#imissallofyou

[jorvikmystic]

“Hello?” I whisper into the phone “Are you there?” I asked knowing the answer.  Everyday I continue to call your number on my phone for a moment to listen to your voice once again. I attempt to continue the normal routine stopping myself and wishing you never had to go. 

I am not ready to say goodbye.  Yet if all I have are these memories  I will hold on to every single one of them close to my heart where you always will be. 

[djlaine]

How’s that quarantine hair looking for all you fine folx? #spring2020 #needthathaircutasap #lettheflowgo #besafeoutthere #imissallofyou (at The Blockhouse Nashville) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_22dfZhlvz4hr1ePwnoPjoZax-9pDSQt1q7QA0/?igshid=s3yoysvsw2fm

[chiarabacchiega]

𝘘 𝘶 𝘢 𝘯 𝘥 𝘰 ? 💗🌼🎡🌌🌊 #vorreivorrei ... 💭 #vorreiviverecosì #vorreiesserelì #vorreifossesemprecosì 🌻 #imissallofyou 💗 (presso Singita miracle beach) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-ez3evKI7O/?igshid=k1kz373a2uh7

[nightsongalchemy]

Wow! It’s been a long time since I’ve done any sort of health update. I actually started to write this post *months* ago, but honestly between all the ups and downs of life, I was either too busy, depressed, or chronically ill to be up for sharing. Roller coaster! Whoo!🎢

Catching Covid last year for three and half months really set me back health wise, as it has for a lot of our chronically ill friends. With severe allergies and a sinus/ear/throat infection immediately following; I developed damage in my throat. Talking and singing became VERY painful. After playing a couple of gigs last summer that ended in tears from the amount of pain I was enduring, I was forced to stop singing for awhile. 😔

After ANOTHER sinus/ear/throat infection that followed yet another bad allergy attack then in September - I broke. I couldn’t speak at all for about three weeks. Unfortunately, this second infection made the issues in my throat SO MUCH WORSE. Talking on a regular basis became unbearably painful without even bringing singing into the mix. The damage was now set up to be long term… 😞

After all of this, I sank into yet another dark depression. Singing was the only creative passion I had left after my disabilities wouldn’t allow me to do all the other things I love; playing the harp, tattooing, drawing, or painting on any kind of consistent bases. Many evenings and nights I wished I had a friend who could hold and cuddle me tenderly saying things like, “This is so fucked up, and this isn’t fair. You don’t deserve any of this you poor, sweet girl.” 😞

Shortly after, one of the many hands surgeons I’ve seen over the years ordered an MRI for my thumb after telling me surgery wasn’t going to be an option for my tendinitis. “I’m afraid it's going to make it worse.” He couldn’t offer any sort of answer or hope for the situation. “At least we can see if we’re missing anything with your thumb.” 🙁

The MRI was a nightmare... I came out of it with my arm practically twisted and ripped out of its socket while enduring multiple seizures due to the excruciating pain. (Pain that had nothing to do with my hand!?) It’s been eight months since that MRI, and I’m still suffering with pain under my right shoulder blade and socket. When its flared up I’ll get nerve pain that runs down my arm into my fingers. About a week ago I was diagnosed with bursitis due to the MRI injury. Sweet baby Jesus… 😩

Honestly, after that, there was only a dim flicker of a light left where the fire in my heart and soul used to be. Between the Mirena IUD causing a Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, Stage-4 Epstein Barr Virus (Fibromyalgia,) and a plethora of other un-healing injuries, traumas, symptoms, and conditions I finally broke. Not being completely consumed by the numbness and dark was nearly impossible, and I could only faintly remember a time when I was always positive, smiling, and filled with cheer and love. Beaten, chewed up, and spit out, I was traumatized over and over again. I felt like just as I would start to get better, something else would beat me down. I wanted to die. 😢

Now, I’m not going to lie, things are still hard. I still suffer daily with chronic pain, etc., but after a long plateau, there have finally been some good forward movements with my health.

I’ve been slowly regaining the ability to digitally draw and paint! :’) This was how I was able to create that beautiful little winter solstice night elf illustration back in December and the poster for the Faerie Garden Party. Now, after months of slowly working on it bit by bit, I’m happy to share this symbolic painting, “Loosing Hope.” I started this while I was in one of the deepest parts of my depression last year. Each break symbolic of the physical pain and various injuries, my inner light escapes through all the cracks.

Sadly, it takes me INCREDIBLY longer to create and finish a piece with the limitations of the chronic joint pain, tendinitis, and fibro, some days I can’t even draw at all since things get flared up so easily… but even though my abilities are very much more limited then they were before, my heart still cries for me to be an artist, so I will continue to fight to do what I love. I’ll keep following my dreams, and I’m incredibly grateful for what I can do… I sincerely just wish the pain would fully heal.

On another good health note, my seizures are slowly becoming even less frequent still and all my digestive issues have been getting better too!!! I saw the most improvement when I finally was able to go completely radical fat free on my #medicalmediumprotocols

Although my throat and voice are still on the mend, I was very grateful that it was just well enough that I could sing at the Faerie Garden Party in Berkeley Springs, WV this past weekend. I hope it continues to heal so I can sing all the time again on day. :’)

I feel so blessed that there have been laughs and good times along the way, such as when Robbie and I had our engagement photo shoot last October (I’m so excited to share the photos!) or when we traveled to #Moresca in New York together to pick out some garb for our future wedding reception. The “Bringing in the May” art show and the Faerie Garden Party in Berkeley Springs, WV were absolutely amazing memories as well! 🥰

I work as hard as I can every day to continue to run my business, follow all my Medical Medium protocols perfectly, keep my band moving forward, and take care of my home and family. I sing and work as much as I can before the pain makes me stop. Every day I’m doing the very best I can to keep my hope for healing and restoration alive. I still get depressed, but I’m still healing. I’m not at the finish line yet, so I still get really sad, but I’ll continue to fight. I still haven’t given up, even though I’ve been enduring for years. Thank you to all the precious friends who have supported me through all of this. I don’t know if I would still be here without you. Thank you for taking the time to check in and read my stories. I love all of you and miss you so much. Thank you.❤️

#whowantstocuddle #imissallofyou #learningcompassionthehardway #healthwarrior #healingchonicillness #fibromyalgia #medicalmedium

#drawnwithlove #paintedwithlove #art #pennsylvaniaillustrator #pennsylvaniaartist #fantasyillustration #fantasyart #nightelf #elf #mangaillustration #digitalpainting #animeelf #manga #mangasketch #mangaart #digitalart #artistofinstagram #anime #animeart #healingwithart #healthwarrior #waccom #clipstudiopaint #elvenspirit #fantaastart

[islandgirlgetsfitblog]

I love💖❤ you mommy, I am thinking of you smiling 😊I’m grateful for all the #memories I remember 🙏🏽 And the ones I don't #thelittlethings #iloveyoumom #iloveyouauntie #iloveyougrandma #imissallofyou https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn85AvFghF_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1sfnlu4cbybhu

[bearteaparty]

My cutiepies i miss all of you ❤ #nutsaboutwinnie #lakidsland #preschool #children #throwbackfriday #happyholidays #imissallofyou

[riadark]

Fifty Shades Of Melancholy

On a day like today where the weather is gloomy and looming over my mood, it is good to know that I can eat some of my homemade cauliflower and local farmer pasture raised eggs quiche, go to my gym and get my sweat on, drink some green matcha tea while producing another segment for my show and sit in a warm home waiting for my kids to come back in order to snap out of it. Many are not so lucky, and this sadness lords over them. 

Can you imagine being unable to shake it off? To live your day to day with this sinking depression? I can now. It is painful. I didn’t used to understand that. Even as a clinician, intellectually I knew about the chemical imbalance, but I still was all about-- work out, take a walk, practice meditation and gratitude, volunteer, rescue an animal, plant a garden, eat the right foods, watch some stand up comedy, have sex, yada yada. And I do all that, and even I get days where it is tough not to think in a negative fashion.

So what changed in my thinking about depression? Yet another person has taken their own life. And I don’t want to be a part of anyone feeling as if there is something wrong with them. Instead, I want to be a pillar of support. Part of that mission is the work that I do now, but I will be louder, stronger, and more vigilant with my care. 

Apology Day Twenty- I am sorry Ria that you lost so many and that you felt helpless to do anything about it. Not going to let that happen again.

[hibarimatcha]

Before it's full of polaroids #imissallofyou #fujifilm

[glencrazyg-blog]

What is happiness without someone you can share with..? #hehe #imissallofyou

[hibarimatcha]

Before it's full of polaroids #fujifilm #imissallofyou

[theycallmemav]

Why won't you vacate my mind?!

Im so sore from the thoughts.

So many aches from restraint.

All these things I want to say,

but they won't change a thing.

I wish that I could tell you how I feel,

it gets unbearable.

Just to feel like i'm inferior,

hurts more than imaginable.

To know that I can't live up to your image of perfection,

makes me wish that i knew the right direction.

To think you used to give me my emotional attention.

I bet you all thought I was gonna say erections,,,

Our minds would think alike if i'm being straight honest.

From the moment we met, to the moments spent apart.

My mind recorded and replays all those memories inside my mind.

I just wish I could have you to come home to, and hold at night...

But then I see her and wonder what I see in you.