#im too scared to weigh myself again

[officialbillhader]

I wonder why ive gained weight so i try to eat a little less and exercise a little more but then i dont exercise enough and eat too big a dinner. Like yeah dumbass. Stop doing that

[munch-mumbles]

farts

[fallingformatt]

“IM NOT THAT SCARY AFTER ALL” C.S.

dealer Chris x fem!reader

summary: what happens when you go to the beach with your dealer in the middle of the night?

warnings: smut! 18+ unprotected sex, mentions weed

word count: 1.9k

a/n: heyy everyone my name is lily and this is my first fic, please don’t be hard on me. Leave suggestions or requests! Hope you enjoy

➽───────────────❥

I kept tossing and turning in my bed, I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me it was so hot in my room that even only wearing my oversized t-shirt that barely covers my ass and a thong I was still too hot to fall asleep. I picked up my phone to check the time. "Fuck" I said under my breath as the phone screen read 2:37 AM "Well there is only one thing that can help me," I said to myself as I swiftly hopped out of my bed, rushing to my vanity. I pulled out my pink 'makeup bag' which really wasn't a makeup bag but a special bag that holds weed for when I want to smoke and that's the beauty of it, my parents would never think to look in my makeup bag that is placed on my vanity, hiding in plain sight.

I pull on the zipper revealing the contents of the bag: some papers a lighter and a small tin container "Bingo" I say to myself getting excited to smoke. I opened the container and was left shocked. It was empty not even a little left for me to smoke. I sighed as I knew what my two options were. Option one go back to bed and try to fall asleep in this hell-like heat or option two message my dealer who I'm scared of. I try to see him as rarely as possible. Chris is so hot but also hella scary and always seems cold and distant so I always kept it short and always buy enough to last me at least a month. I weighed out my options and decided that there was no way that I was falling asleep without smoking so I grabbed my phone.

"hey r u still up?" I texted him and waited for an answer hoping he was still up so I could get my weed.

"yeah i'm still up, need something ma?" he answered. He always called me ma or princess which I found weird but never dared to say anything about it.

"can I buy my usual? im all out" I text right back happy that he's still awake

"sure ma gonna be there in five" he answers

I quickly go out of my room and check if my parents are asleep. I go down the stairs and quickly sneak out of the backdoor as I usually do since it's the furthest from my parents room and they wouldn't hear the door opening or closing. I go around my house and he's already at my front door waiting in his car. I quickly get in the car. "hey ma I like what ur wearing" he says smirking. I look down and realize I forgot to put on shorts or pants and now I'm sitting in his car bare ass on the seat as my shirt raised up a bit while sitting down. "well I rushed outside and it's really hot outside" I said quietly. "Do you have my weed?" I continued right after. "Of course I do ma, here," he said and pushed a baggie with weed in my hand. My eyes lit up seeing my goods and a smile creeps on my face as I reach out my hand with cash "Damn, you're so excited over some weed. You know it's not good to do drugs right?" he says in a cold tone taking my money. "Well, this weed is the only way I'm falling asleep in this weather. Besides you should want people to buy weed it's how you earn your money" I say back. "Do you wanna go somewhere cooler?" Chris asks. " Well I don't know, my parents are asleep" I answer. "Exactly they won't even know you left the house," he says smirking again. "You've got a point, sure let's go," I say.

This interaction was a bit different than all other ones. He didn't seem as cold as usual but maybe I'm just imagining things.

We have been driving for at least 10 minutes now and I'm sitting on my side both my legs horizontally on the car seat as I look through the window listening to the music that's quietly playing in the car. "Where are we going? You never told me" I ask as I turn my head. I saw Chris looking at my ass as it was fully visible in the position I'm sitting in. "We're almost there" his eyes quickly shot to the road as he answered. "Were you looking at my ass?" I say changing my sitting position. "Well ur the one who's not wearing any pants" he scoffs coldly. "I didn't know we would go somewhere" I quickly answer. "We're here," Chris says and I look outside the window. We are at the beach, the moon is shining and the waves look so calming. We both get out of the car and head to the shore.

We find a good spot and sit down. We are the only ones here no people in sight, just me and him. Well if I think about it he could kill me and no one would ever know, the thought of that made me uneasy. "You good ma?" he asks "Yeah I'm fine" I answer looking at the pretty waves as the warm breeze hits my skin. "This feels so nice," I say quietly. "It does, do you want to smoke?" he asks holding a joint that he had just rolled in between his fingers "You bet I do" I answer and he puts the joint in between my lips and lights it. I take a puff and let the smoke out. We finish the joint and sit for a bit.

I look at Chris and notice his beautiful features in the moonlight, my gaze moving from his hair to his lips, as my eyes travel down further my eyes fall to his crotch and I feel my panties dampen. He turns his head looking at me and his clear blue eyes with a hint of red surrounding them meet mine. "what's up ma?" he asks not breaking the eye contact. "You know, you're not as scary as I thought," I say looking down at my fingers and playing with the sand beneath me. "Why do you think I'm scary, do you think I'm going to kill you or something" he shoots back a question. "That thought did cross my mind if I'm being honest. You're always so cold towards me" I say and he chuckles at my confession. "I would never kill such a pretty lady. I always love seeing you ma" he says and a smile appears on my face.

"You wanna go for a swim?" he asks "I don't have a swimsuit" I answer "Neither do I, let's go anyway, cmon ma don't be shy," Chris says looking at me shooting me a quick smirk before standing up and pulling down his shorts and his shirt running towards the waves. I get up and pull off my t-shirt throwing it into the sand and covering my bare chest with my hands as I have no bra on.

I start running towards the ocean as well, seeing Chris already in the water fully swimming. I swim to him and he looks at me staring me down, till he glances at my boobs and licks his lips. "Kiss me," he demands with a lustful voice. He takes my hand and pulls me closer until our bodies meet pushing his lips onto mine unexpectedly. His tongue exploring my mouth before breaking the kiss. He moves to kissing my neck sucking on it leaving a mark. I tilt my head back and let out a quiet moan as he hits my sweet spot. "Oh you like that don't you ma," he says and moves to kiss my collarbones leaving a trail of kisses till he gets to my breasts nibbling on my nipple. "Oh fuck" I moan. "Tell me what you want, and I'm gonna give it to you princess," Chris says in a deep voice. "I want you" I manage to say. He grabs my hand and starts running towards the shore as I'm following him. We get to the shore where our clothes are.

I lay down and he crawls in between my legs his chain dangling above my face his eyes full of lust staring at my lips before smashing his lips on mine once again as we share a passionate kiss. He pulls down my thong not breaking the kiss, doing the same for his boxers. As we deepen the kiss his fingers move up and down my heat before slamming them into me. I throw my head back as a loud moan leaves my lips. "Oh fuuck Chris" I moan out loud as he continues to thrust his fingers into me at a rapid pace. "Tell me what you want," Chris says as his voice grows deep "I-I nee-" I try to say but can't finish the sentence. Chris suddenly pulls his fingers out of me and my eyes shoot open in frustration "Full sentences princess. Tell me what you want" he says his eyes darkening with arousal "I need- I need you in me Chris" I manage to squeeze out as my hips buck up yarning for him. His thumb presses against my lips before I open my mouth sucking on it. Without any warning, he pushes deeply into me causing me to let out a scream-like moan, tears forming in my eyes. Without letting me adjust he starts pounding into me his tip kissing my g-spot "Oh my god Chris you're so big" I moan as I throw my head back. He pounds deeply into me keeping the same rhythm hitting my g-spot with every thrust "Look at me" he says but I keep my eyes shut. "I said look at me princess," his voice getting deeper than before as he grabbed my jaw, and our eyes met. "Look at you, taking me so good princess," he says as he pushes his lips on mine my hand travels to his wet hair lightly pulling it and he places his hand on my thigh, our bodies sticking to each other like glue.

He continues to thrust deep and hard as my moans slip against his lips, my hands traveling to his back. He breaks the kiss and throws his head back, rolling his eyes and letting out an animalistic growl I feel my climax coming. "I- I- I'm close don't stop please don't stop Chris" I cry out as I arch my back, digging my nails into his back leaving scratch marks, bucking up my hips to feel him even deeper. Chris lets out a moan as his thrusts become more aggressive and faster. I dig my nails into the sand holding on to anything I can "I'm so close I'm gonna cum" I moan out as I feel my walls tightening around his cock. Chris hearing that thrusts in me harder than ever making me almost scream out in pleasure. His breathing became hitched as he trusted a few more times before cumming letting out a loud moan, leading to the knot in my stomach to unravel, I let out a pornographic-like moan as my orgasm took over me.

As we both came down from our highs, he pulled his dick out of me kissing me before laying in the sand next to me. He turned his head to look at me and said "Come here ma" and pulled me closer as I laid my head on his chest. We watched as the sun started to come up "See I'm not so scary after all" Chris said with a chuckle. "We should do this again" he continued and I nodded my head in agreement. "Common let's get you home," he said and we got dressed heading for his car.

[st4rgzer]

now playing…SO LONG, LONDON (spencer reid)

summary: spencer realizes how much damage he had been causing you.

genre: angst with fluffy ending

cw!: idk relationship problems?😭 also use of y/n and y/l/n (your last name)

a/n: so since y’all wanted a happy ending version! here it is, it isn’t quite like the song but yeah, you guys get the point. masterlist

tension protruded eagerly from the silent room. it was dim, you had left some candles lit but that was it. your cheeks were wet and hot. but somehow you still felt an adamant numbing sensation of coldness. your weary bones hugged your knees, sniffles breaking through the silence.

“how long did you think i could’ve held on” you muttered through your broken voice.

“what?” he lifted his head from in between his legs where he had his hands pressed to the back of his neck.

“how long did you think i could’ve held on to you? were you just going to let me destroy myself, give everything i had just for you to crack a smile?” you spoke loudly now, sharp words that stung as spencer heard every one of them.

he didn’t respond. instead, he just listened. he knew the last thing you wanted from him right now was for him tp talk back, so he let you talk.

“fuck, even my friends said it was not right to be scared! not of you, but of how quickly your temperament can change from one moment to another. every breath that i take feels like im stealing it from you, like- like when i do finally get to do so, its short and doesn’t last long until i have to hold my breath again.”

“do you resent me, spencer? is that what this is? you left the BAU after you got back from prison, and i thought it was to settle down, make me your wife. but you never wanted this, did you?” spencers head perked up. his demeaner changed. he went from attentive and remorseful to stern.

“do not say that. “ he pointed a finger at you “y/n y/l/n don’t you, for a second, think i regret any minute i’ve ever spent with you, i regret a lot of things in my life but meeting you, loving you? i’ve never thought twice about that. you are my number one priority in this life, and im sorry i couldn’t give you everything you wanted, at least not right now. but i promise, i swear on my life, if that even means anything, that i’m going to get better. and i know actions speak more than words, but please, please hold on. i’m not going to insist you stay here with me, but just promise you’ll come back when you’re ready? i love you, y/n, and i hate myself for even thinking that i hurt you.” his tone was indulgent, pleading almost. he had stood up and waved his hands frantically as he punctuated each word, meaning every one. his frazzled hair and big brown eyes kept you at bay.

for a few minutes there was silence as you quietly digested his words.

“do you mean that?” you whispered, fragile, as you looked up at him.

he nodded his head, looking away and blinking a few times. trying to hold in the tears that painfully pricked his waterline.

you sighed, attempting to weigh the pro’s and con’s of the situation, but you loved him. a mental list of the good and the bad wasn’t going to decide the fate of your life. in every relationship there’s hell in heaven, eventually, happiness comes back. all you knew was that this man encapsulated your whole being with nothing more than love and affection, so you knew that this was nothing but a small dent in the glass case that encased the rose that was your love.

you opened your arms, he hesitantly got down to your level. you held him tightly, as if the weight of the wind was to carry him away at any moment. he buried his head in qthe crook of your neck, sniffling as he let out soft sobs, and whispers of apologies.

eventually, the tears ceased. and you both laid there, enveloped. consumed by each other, hands caught in spencers hair from raking through it, as sleep caught onto you. spencer kissed the bridge of your nose gently.

“i love you”

“i love you too”

a/n: guys idk how to feel about this one, this might have been my least favorite so far😭

taglist: @ilovesadiesink @sp3ncelle @lvtilzs @bunnylov-3-r @bellasprettywords

*comment to be added*

[stonerskinny]

i’m so upset with myself. i don’t know what i weigh because im too scared to check. i don’t believe that i deserve recovery but i am at my fucking limit with this shit i am so tired and i feel so disgusting all the time and i’ve missed more work than i should have from being sick because i’ve actually been so depressed that i can barely get out of bed. i don’t think this shit will be sustainable through the end of the year but i don’t see any other option. all i can think about is quitting my job and spending all of my money on drugs and just getting high for a while and then offing myself. it’s literally almost all i think about. all day long. i dream about it. i am absolutely fixated on the idea that i cannot continue.

let me walk you through my days. i wake up and get upset immediately because i am still alive. then i think about the fact that my birthday is in t-minus 10 fucking days, and i’m still in the mid 250s when i should be hitting 240 by my birthday at LEAST but ive plateaued for the last month. then i decide i do not deserve to eat, and then i get high and say fuck it and order food to b/p. and then i get higher and doom scroll for hours and debate cleaning but find some excuse (today, it’s that i can’t take out the trash rn because it’s pouring rain, which at least is more valid than usual). and then i debate unaliving until i remember that i promised bestie i would not do that while she was in res, so then i cry about the fact that i can’t do it. and then i get high again and b/p again and then facetime my other bestie until we fall asleep. and then i wake up and get upset because im alive and the whole cycle repeats.

my mental health has declined so intensely over the last week and a half or so and i just don’t know what to do about it. therapist is no longer dangling the idea of res over my head because she’s realizing i am noooooot open to it and thus it will not work. which i am grateful for. but also, can i confess something? i am kind of starting to open up to the idea of it. a little bit. a teeny tiny bit. and i don’t think it will work and i don’t think it will be worth my time but i am starting to wonder if that could be wrong, maybe, and that it could actually be different this time because i just don’t want to do this anymore.

[skinniqueen773]

these past few days has just been binging and binging over and over again and everytime i workout and go to the gym to burn the cals i just end up binging again omfgg im way too scared to weigh myself rn

[scaryskinny]

june 8, 2024

i have made the executive decision to not weigh myself today, and do it tmr morning, why? Cause I'm too scared to know what the scale says today.

This morning my bf made me breakfast and i ate every.single.bite.

im not proud, and im too scared to weigh myself because in know its gonna read me back "you failed you pig."

So here i go again, "yummy chocolate", water, and hopes and prayers that tmr morning the scale says 143>

BTW! I found a new discovery, Lychees (a type of fruit) only have 6 calories, each! So you can eat 4 and only eat 24 calories! thats insaine so of course i bought some, just some piece of knowledge i thought i should share :)

Report my weight tmr..... well see if tmr is gonna be a good day or bad .

[just-ice-water-plz2]

💜💜my **personal** reasons to💜💜 🖤 🖤get skinnier🖤🖤 💜

⚠️TW TOXIC⚠️

*** friendly reminder: Summer/June is only 50 days away.***

**notice I said personal reasons meaning only pertaining to me myself and I <3**

🖤to see how jealous my friends get when they see how skinny I am. Remember when she said she was jealous of my legs?! Don’t you want that again?!

💜feeling so pretty and put together no matter what clothes I’m wearing.

🖤to wear my clothes and not have the clothes wear me. I am the main statement piece to every outfit.

💜to make people so envious when they see me enjoying treats and so people think I’m one of those “natural skinny” girls.

🖤to make my bf worry about me.

💜to be noticeably skinnier the next time he holds me.

🖤to look so fragile that people are scared I might break or blow away in the wind.

💜how good it feels knowing I’m underweight. I need to be more underweight. Being a healthy weight is disgusting.

🖤noticing how much women (especially older women) stare at me in envy when I’m just shopping and going about my day in a cute little outfit.

💜to pick the smallest size possible when ordering or trying on clothes

🖤everything looks better skinny

💜to see how people react when they’re in my presence. They’re astounded.

🖤hearing that family members are talking behind my back calling me an0r3xic. They’re just jealous.

💜when a family member says “enjoy your body while you have it. I was skinny at your age too” and now they’re overweight, single with 5 children. I will NEVER look like her. Ever.

🖤being the skinniest person in my friend group

💜the haters want me to gain. Why am I letting them win and feel that satisfaction of seeing me gain. Disgusting. I need to prove them super wrong and be so smoking hot and skinny this summer 💋💋.

🖤 hearing my sister tell me how jealous she is that im so tall and we“naturally skinny” **is anybody really naturally skinny?**

💜seeing how everyone turns their head to look at me at work. Motivates me to look cute at work too.

🖤I just want to be the definition of a dainty, fragile, gorgeous women.

💜when my friend says she wants to be skinny like me.

🖤people telling me I should be a model bcuz I’m so tall and skinny. I need to stop gaining and get back into my skinny grinding era. I’m working on it I swear 😭

💜being skinny is a lifestyle.

🖤**unfriendly reminder** she’s still skinnier than you. Why are you eating for an entire family of 4??! Stop gaining it’s not f***ing cute 😐

💜life is just worth living when you’re skinny. I want to go out and show off my hard work not hide in my house covering my fat rolls. Never again.

🖤knowing how much more attractive being skinny makes you. I was average before but now I’m skinny and gorgeous.

💜knowing I make someone feel bad about their body just by existing in the same room as them. I can tell by people’s reactions when they’re insecure bcuz I’m all dressed up and skinny.

🖤to not be insecure. I was so insecure when I was fat but now I’m skinny so what is there to be insecure about? Except now you’ve gained so apparently there’s a lot to feel bad about.

💜to have a “cheat day” that’s still in a cal deficit bcuz my stomach has shrunk so much I can barley eat without feeling stuffed.

🖤I just love the feeling of knowing I am the one making others jealous instead of me being the jealous one. most of the time. Why not all the time?

💜to wear a bikini this summer and only seeing everyone else’s fat rolls. Not a single one in sight on me. Not if you keep eating like this.

🖤people treat skinnier people better. I know from experience. I love it, it makes me feel so special.

💜if these are my “best years” in life I will have the best body to match these “best years”. And I will have an amazing body still as I age. I will never “let myself go.” Disgusting.

🖤to make my one friend who also has an ed jealous. She always makes me jealous telling me how she only weighs 97lbs. I want to make her jealous. I’m taller than her by a few inches so I definitely can get skinnier than her without going so low. So why haven’t you done it yet?

💜bcuz my so called “best friends” were talking bad about me behind my back so the best revenge is to be the skinniest and hottest one in the group. Talk shit about that you f**king b***h. I always over dress everywhere and get the most compliments as revenge. I have other more real friends who would never.

🖤to make my “friends” even more jealous. I know that’s why they’re talking about me bcuz I’m glowing up so hard right now and they simply cannot handle it. I need to glow up more. I want to see them seeth with jealousy just with my existence.

💜to feel my bones more. I miss feeling my bones like I used to.

🖤to feel how you felt at your LW. Wasn’t that amazing and so thrilling to see the scale say “104lbs.” Why did you stop there? You must get started on losing the f***ing 13+lbs you gained. Gross.

💜 i <3 b e i n g s k i n n y💜

[honeybadger-69]

Just thought I'd get this out there, I've started writing in a secret note app on my phone about things I want to happen or come into existence and truely belive that when I write this stuff it comes true if anyone has any ideas or comments please let me know no hate or Diss thanks enjoy♡

MY SUBCONSCIOUS

Priority high

I'm aligned with my subconscious and working together it's helping me do everything and putting it all together for me at an expert level and sorting things out if they happen or making sure they don't happen and it's looking after me like it's showing care I'm in control of my subconscious being able to truely manifest and my thoughts about what im doing is spot on and in control and my thoughts and my head and my body and my mind is all being expertly helped and sorted by my subconscious it's actively helping me and working towards a successfull outcome and it's safe from anyone else interfering or changing it or putting bad thoughts into it or creating it to be an invisionment and it's working fully and using all of itself to achieve anything is possible and things are working always state of being and anything I could ever dream of or belive is becoming a reality for me and I'm in control of my dream and reality and it's not a mess and it's the best time and no one hates it everyone is sorted that needs to be and if I end up being the world properly again my subconscious will fully support me to be the best it can be and keep everyone happy and myself happy and entertained by the absolute weird skill of the world happening around me

SMOKING A PIPE

Priority high

when I smoke the pipe I smoke it properly all the way so it's the most effective and what the ice does is it's going to make me smarter thinking faster thinking more creative things will come to me naturally magic will happen because of it it will make me process things faster problems solve really easy fix things with ease upgrade me and all my things I have and do it alot so it's really strong it will be in my system and activate the ice cells in me making the ice become more than it was and really feeling it in my system and getting me up and stimulation my central nervous system properly

MY ALIVE AND ALL ABOUT IT

priority high

I'm alive. there's no doubt about that and I'm fixed from any injury I thought I had or was shown and my alive is stronger than ever and holding me up and continuously going and supporting me and keeping me safe and not scared I'm also not feeling any dead or attached to anything that's going to make me feel otherwise me being alive is important and it's kept safe and will survive anything humanly possible and extraordinary possible it's also smarter than it ever was and will survive and keep up and safe and hidden and will help me do everything I need to like eating walking standing doing all done properly and it can also upgrade/supe up to save itself or me and it's the power and effort of something out of this world and the smartness of it is with out a doubt the best it can be and it's not anyone else or any invisionments and it's the same as myself and the self of me that will never change and my heart is in the correct and safe place and never leaves me and stays strong and alive and doesn't run out or stop ever and can do anything that is physical possible to succeed and does

MY NOTES

priority high

no one can change them they are permanent and can't get effected by anything and they are all legit like how I got them and it is always legit

and it's not effected by my thoughts or blocked by any of limitations i might have it will just happen that's it real life and in the flesh and through and can't be changed

MY SHADOW

priority high

my shadow weighs a ton it's by my side protecting me with expert skills and expertise and the absolute knowing and will power that it has and the old edit still kicks around too but my shadow is sacred and has ultra power powerfully enough to tip a cow to make someone go boo to restore me back to health and protect me from anything and it has complete control of its power and it's always full and if it gets used it fill up instantly the shadow is fast faster than normal and can use skills like that that is has to help me or supe me up or get me out of a trouble and my shadow never loses it has the best win there ever was invented in the intiety of the all and everything and has complete understanding and and can fully understand his power that never leaves him and he becomes one with it and it's not anyone or an invisionment and is the best protector from anything and the best helper that ever existed

so for starters I fix myself from all my injury or connectivity to the rinse and fix up from any of it just remove it or change it to not show (to help me know I'm rinsed kind of thing easy to handle) once that's all fixed and I'm alright to become alive again I imagine myself be able to and actually doing it is supping up or fixing up from this and completing a process to get me alive again aswell as me doing things to do that as well like my head and heart and mind and soul I do this restore all my stuff that's important all the way back to full health and myself still everything there is about me that would of got affected and begin to beat and feel my love heart/ heart same thing you know what j mean not a secondary heart or somthing like that working again instead of being told not to beat or something random like that because I'm not actually dead I just have to seem like I am that's also part of the process helping me understand the rinse or not through convincing and then to get my subconscious trained into getting alive and up easily through trying again and again different things still making sure my hearts beating and is working telling myself I'm alright this whole time then checking inside myself for anyways to help be smart and correct and on point with this process and I start by getting up and noticing a feeling of my head like it's rinsed from the injury and I tank it by getting that stuff that can sorted then after I do that and feel my heart get up then move on to going into a process like you come alive and feel like you have woken up from a nightmare remember it's important to not feel like you've woken up as someone else or you might not be yourself and once that process goes through I had a bit of scarcitues like I remember like my alive has been sleeping this whole time and it's been unaware of anything apart from when I was scared and pretend rinsed off and now it's like it's straight back to that so that's when you know you've come alive again but a different approach now to just calm down from that even if you have to fake rinse again little bit cause there someone else almost feelingvlike they are scared and shit not ment to be real and now I'm alive just need to get up/do that process again alot smoother and wake up from the moment where ij now since my heart/alive isn't in sleep mode anymore and is learning and defending and preparing naturally so I just get my self into a process started (when this process happens your heart fixes up your body and all your stuff and emotions and essence and aliveness about you that's missing fix up and is there again and so much more like a good feeling and you feel fixed and alive) by feeling alive breathing safe heart beating head thinking emotions high and lifforce lifeforcing and completer the whole process but in a much nicer way and can feel things again like the first time I tried the process but it's alot safer and I start to control my heart and my head and thoughts fix up and my body isn't weak or uncoordinated or heavy or disconnected and I'm not loose or too tight but I'm just right as what j need to be to be fixed alive save and stay alive and up just like that.

BECOMING ALIVE AGAIN FROM BEING MADE TO BELIVE I WAS DEAD

priority high

so for starters I fix myself from all my injury or connectivity to the rinse and fix up from any of it just remove it or change it to not show (to help me know I'm rinsed kind of thing easy to handle) once that's all fixed and I'm alright to become alive again I imagine myself be able to and actually doing it is supping up or fixing up from this and completing a process to get me alive again aswell as me doing things to do that as well like my head and heart and mind and soul I do this restore all my stuff that's important all the way back to full health and myself still everything there is about me that would of got affected and begin to beat and feel my love heart/ heart same thing you know what j mean not a secondary heart or somthing like that working again instead of being told not to beat or something random like that because I'm not actually dead I just have to seem like I am that's also part of the process helping me understand the rinse or not through convincing and then to get my subconscious trained into getting alive and up easily through trying again and again different things still making sure my hearts beating and is working telling myself I'm alright this whole time then checking inside myself for anyways to help be smart and correct and on point with this process and I start by getting up and noticing a feeling of my head like it's rinsed from the injury and I tank it by getting that stuff that can sorted then after I do that and feel my heart get up then move on to going into a process like you come alive and feel like you have woken up from a nightmare remember it's important to not feel like you've woken up as someone else or you might not be yourself and once that process goes through I had a bit of scarcitues like I remember like my alive has been sleeping this whole time and it's been unaware of anything apart from when I was scared and pretend rinsed off and now it's like it's straight back to that so that's when you know you've come alive again but a different approach now to just calm down from that even if you have to fake rinse again little bit cause there someone else almost feelingvlike they are scared and shit not ment to be real and now I'm alive just need to get up/do that process again alot smoother and wake up from the moment where ij now since my heart/alive isn't in sleep mode anymore and is learning and defending and preparing naturally so I just get my self into a process started (when this process happens your heart fixes up your body and all your stuff and emotions and essence and aliveness about you that's missing fix up and is there again and so much more like a good feeling and you feel fixed and alive) by feeling alive breathing safe heart beating head thinking emotions high and lifforce lifeforcing and completer the whole process but in a much nicer way and can feel things again like the first time I tried the process but it's alot safer and I start to control my heart and my head and thoughts fix up and my body isn't weak or uncoordinated or heavy or disconnected and I'm not loose or too tight but I'm just right as what j need to be to be fixed alive save and stay alive and up just like that.

MY SIZE SHAPE AND SPOT

priority high

my size is small that I'm use to without changing my shape too much and away from anything effecting me my shape is fixed with something like the new thing i put there that shape where I am and spot where I can see myself always but it's hidden from anyone doing anything to me or looking at me or changing me and I'm fixed like my face is skinny/small when I see it but it's in control not losing the big and I'm like how my hands where like smaller and bone like

[moon-sweets0-0]

I finally weighed myself after being too scared to, and I'm so glad Im back on track, I'm only two pounds away from my Lw , which is so much better then it was cause I know for a fact I was like so bloated before and now my clothes are getting loose again. I'm never letting myself feel so disgusting again, it was horrible!! June is my month.

[angelicasdigitaldiary]

10.15.2024

Little check in:

Hello! 🤍 how are you?

Today was a good day for me overall, even if things didn’t go exactly as planned. I was able to get some things done. But my top priority was REST. Especially since this past month was incredibly busy. So today I gave myself permission to not think or look at anything school-related. I watched Netflix, this Colombian series I’m obsessed with, called “Klass95.”

I danced and sang to salsa song alone in my room as I cleaned, I had a virtual therapy session and I reached out to a few friends of mine to plan to meet these upcoming days now that midterms are over.

As my day draws to an end and I’m lying in my bed, I’m noticing my chest and my heart are feeling a bit heavy. I’m feeling a bit lonely if I can be completely honest. For some reason, I’m thinking “I have so much joy in me, but no one to share it with.” Particularly, someone special.

It’s been almost 2 years and a half that I’ve been single. And while I don’t have any plans to date soon, and apps for me, are done for good. I have been reflecting a lot on the qualities and characteristics I want my future partner to have. As well as exploring my own values. And it’s a scary thing to think about. Still. At the thought of loving another human being while I’m learning to let go of my past. And the thing I come to the conclusion is that perhaps I can’t ever really let go of my past. Because it’s part of my life story, my history what’s made me, me. And brought me to where I am today.

I can only hope, that in the future, I’d be able to find someone who accepts me, for me. Not some dream or ideal version of me. But all of me. My ups and downs. My sadness and my joy. My mistakes and my growth.

That includes my past. I don’t want to drag on. Because truly my heart is anxious thinking about it. I’m scared honestly of getting my heart broken again. I don’t want it to happen. Watch someone fall out of love with me. And to hold on to hope and a dream that will never happen or exist. I want to stay grounded in the present.

So while I lie here, I’ll read my book and think of all the ways I can love myself and all the things I love about myself. It’s beautiful for someone to look at you and hear all the things they love about you. But I can’t just wait for that to happen. I deserve and should love myself too!

And I shall ask myself, what would make me happy? Bring me joy? What do I look for out of this life? What do I want my days to feel like?

It’s a lot to ask. And I shouldn’t expect myself to have all the answers. To end this, I remind myself I’m here today. And that’s all that matters. Whatever that looks like, wether working, resting, seeing friends, or eating, I’m trying my best to move forward in my life while those answers find me.

Because frankly, and if I can be vulnerable, I lost the sense of my life when two important people walked out of my life, 2/3 years ago. They defined my world and were my whole world. And it still hurts. I won’t lie. Maybe that’s why my chest feels heavy. Because I remember how that felt. The feeling of someone who loved you and you loved deeply choosing another life without you in it. It made me feel very insecure and ashamed and made me carry a guilt that would weigh me down into a depression. That I’m still working on overcoming, or learning to cope I should say.

I’ll reminded myself, “I’m human. I can make mistakes and learn from them. I can express my hurt without feeling ashamed for them. My needs do matter. My dreams and idea of joy matters too.” And most importantly, “I deserve to feel loved. Whether that’s from myself or others. I deserve to be seen and listened to when I have something to say. I deserve” and this is for everyone who might need to hear this “we deserve to take up space in this world.” And we deserve to feel safe.”

Im tearing up right now. I think im still a bit in disbelief that that person that I loved and wanted a future with, and who claimed that they loved me too, even after we broke up and looked at me in the eyes as he said it, can just be so okay, with not knowing how I am right now. Be okay with me just moving on to someone else. Or be okay with just being friends.

Because I can painfully and with tears in my eyes say to you, I never did. I promise all of you, anyone who is reading this, I never wanted to be just his friends or want to be with anyone else other than him. As my letter for our last valentines said, “I want(ed) to love (him) until my memory fades.” I wanted to love him every season. Every minute of my days. And be there for him in every way.

And it’s been so hard. So incredibly difficult every day. To rebuild a life from zero. To go backwards in fact. To go back to university and finish the degree I couldn’t back then. And to do it all alone and have no clue or be scared of what awaits for me in the future. Because I don’t know and I don’t have a plan and I’ve always had a path and a vision, or a clear goal until those two people walked out of my life and left my heart on the floor.

I’ve been trying to pick up those pieces and glue them back together. Day by day. And I’ve had thoughts of no longer wanting to be here. Because some days, it truly all feels like too much and the pain just so unbearable to hold, and leaves me feeling hopeless and like a burden.

But as I find a way to conclude this, as I honestly don’t know how, because I don’t want to end this off on a negative note. Trying to think of something positive.

All that comes up for me is no one reading this deserve going to sleep confused on their worth and value, questioning whether the person we love, loves us back the same way.

Because love sees you. Love wants to hear you. How your day’s been. What are you dreams? What’s worrying you or bringing you pain? Love helps you. Love believes in you. Love touches your heart. And reaches for you when you don’t want to be reached. Love finds you, even when you try to hide. Love tells you to stay. Love shows you why life is beautiful and more so beautiful because you’re here.

And I deserve to find a love like that for me. That cares for me, that chooses me and accepts my humanness. That doesn’t make me feel like I’m too much or incapable. That doesn’t put me down. Or makes me question my worth or value.

And meanwhile I patiently wait, I shall love myself from now on, starting right now. I just served my self a glass of hot water as my room is cold. (Your reminder to drink water if you haven’t.) I deserve rest. I deserve to sleep. And I deserve to know tomorrow will be another day and I deserve to be there. I deserve to see a tomorrow and to keep trying despite these heavy feelings.

I doubt anyone may read this, but if you so happen to, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being here. I’m so happy you’re here. We will get to tomorrow together okay? You’re not alone. I’m sending you all my love. And I hope you rest well too! Sweet dreams 🤍

-Angelica

[puddingseikkx]

i just wanna disappear and then come back a skinny legend my health problems rn are kinda wow! but idc ima keep going bc it’s embarrassing im getting worse physically at this weight and not at a lower weight i havent weighed myself in almost a month so i have no clue what i am rn but ik damn well i gained and imm slowly working my way back down my intake and i just need my honeymoon phase to hit once again im trying to not purg3 using lax anymore so its been pretty difficult but i hate my body sm rn its humiliating i look fatter than ever istg if i hit a new hw i will actually kms im scared to weight myself but ik i have to do so sooner or later maybe ill do it when im fasting again because im wayy too scared to check rn and im competitive with my older sibling atm bc hes been also starving and worrying abt calories and stuff too so im trying to eat less than him calorie wise and im keeping track of his calories and stuff i couldnt gym today either and i feel like shit for it hopefully i lose all the weight i need to lose before the date i need to be skinnier by

[kingdeku-queentoga]

Aoyama has been conflicted for the past week as he tried to settle the guilt that been slowly eating at him, weighing down on his chest and thoughts, a guilt caused by his own weakness, but nothing he did had worked as he knew he'll ultimately have to see it head-on if he ever wanted to free himself.

Aoyama found himself on the rooftop of the school dorm, glancing up at the dark sky, before letting out a sigh as he pulled out his phone and sent a quick message to midoriya, telling him he needed to speak to him right now and that he was on the dorm rooftop, his heart beating faster as he pressed send, waiting for midoriya.

A few minutes had passed before midoriya had arrived, looking around then at aoyama "hey aoyama, what's up?" He questioned as he was confused, walking next to him, seeing that he was tense "is something wrong?"

Aoyama took a deep breath as he looked at midoriya "midoriya I been thinking about this for awhile now and I need to tell you that... I am sorry..." He told him, making midoriya confused.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?" Midoriya asked as he didn't understand what aoyama was talking about, as his eyes widened in alarm "d-did you betray the school again!?" He asked worried but saw aoyama shaking his head.

Aoyama looked down at the ground, squeezing his fists tightly before he had looked at midoriya and started to get everything off his chest "I'm sorry I never stood up for you! I'm sorry that I didn't stop you from feeling alone, for never acknowledging you or your hard work, for not speaking up when the others had talked about you, laughing as well when they made fun of you!" he confessed as tears started to run down his face but he kept going as he couldn't stop now even if he wanted too "I knew what you were going through better than anyone else, to be quirkless, to be weak, wanting to be a hero, to prove your worth even when everyone else doubts you! I knew all that but still said and did nothing because I was scared of being targeted myself! I-im sorry midoriya... I'm so sorry" he broke down crying as he tried to wipe his tears but they wouldn't stop running.

Midoriya listened in awe, tears started to form which he tried to hold back "aoyama... Thank you..." He told him, placing a hand on aoyama shoulder, making him look at him "Even though it wasn't immediate, you WERE there for me... Do you remember the cheese? When you told me you also had trouble controlling your quirk? You helped me not feel alone, letting me know I wasn't the only one who was struggling... So thank you, aoyama"

Aoyama shook his head "n-no, midoriya..." He cried quietly but midoriya had simply squeezed his shoulder a bit.

"yes, aoyama" midoriya smiled at him "thank you... And if that is not good enough, if you want to make it up to me, then don't forget those moments of weakness and grow from them, stand up for someone who is in the same boat as well... let's keep helping each other shine brightly together, okay?"

More tears fell but aoyama wiped his tears as he nodded, giving midoriya a smile "yes, I won't leave you or anyone else behind ever again, I swear we'll shine brightly together!" He laughed as he hugged midoriya tightly, who smiled and hugged him back

[down2theb0ne]

i’ve been eating way more than normal for the last week and i am ,,,, no longer 111😒😵‍💫 i’ve been too scared to weigh myself but i’ll see what i look like again this time next week cuz hopefully a lot of it is just water weight :// gonna go drink some green tea to kill this sweet craving i have

once i’m back down to 111 i need to post pics 😭

edit: i bit the bullet n weighed myself today and im 115? guess im not too mad teehee

[haveihitanerve]

Don't Jump

“Damian!” Damian could hear his oldest brothers call of relief, could hear the sounds of him and Jason and Tim coming closer, but couldn’t bring himself to care. The water was mesmerizing. Swirling so quickly and breathtakingly under his dangling feet. He wanted to lean forward, to touch it, to join it. “Damian!” That was Todd’s voice, and he now sounded scared. “Why you sitting on the railing Dames?” He could hear Tim ask, fear and concern embedded in his voice. “Its nice.” damian answered back. “O-k.” Tim said. He knew his brothers were exchanging glances, communicating in that way only the bat fam could, but he couldn't bring himself to care, to look up and see what they were saying. The water was just too beautiful. Too mesmerizing. Too dangerous. “Hey chum, can I ask why you're sitting here?” Dick asked, taking the lead. He leaned against the rail a ways away from him, trying to be casual and not spook him. Jason casually leaned from the other side and tim stood next to dick, foot tapping anxiously. They didn't need to worry. Damian wasn't going to jump. Well, at least he hadn't planned on it when he had first sat down. But now he wasn't so sure. Dick cleared his throat and Damian remembered he had asked a question. “Oh. I don't know. I was done with patrol and decided to sit here.” Dick nodded as though that made perfect sense, but he could see jason inching closer e v e r  so slightly. Damian's hands gripped the bar tightly. They were silent for a bit, and damian let himself enjoy his brothers company. That silent, peacefulness they always gave him. 

“Do you ever think about it?” Damian was surprised to hear himself speak. The other three jumped as though just now remembering why they were here. “Think about what dam?” Jason asked, tilting his head in his baby brothers direction. Damian shrugged. “Think about jumping.” The others exchanged worried looks. Damian ignored them. “Do you?” Tim asked finally, hesitantly. Damian weighed the answer in his head. His pause seemed to scare them and Tim took a step closer. “Do you?” he pushed. Damian shrugged again. “Sometimes.” he admitted. “I take a jump and just think about how easy it would be to not grapple. To just let myself fall.” Dick sidled closer. “But you never do.” Damian shook his head. “No. I guess not.” “don't.” jason said suddenly. He and damian had always had a rocky relationship. Not unfriendly, just a bit more aggressive than a usually sibling bond. Damian finally looked away from the river to stare at his brother. “Don't what?” “don't not grapple.” Jason said. He stared at Damian with an intensity he only used when trying to crack really hard cases. “I would miss you.” “me too.” Dick and Tim were quick to parrot. “We would miss you.” tim pushed. “Lots of people would miss you.” Dick added. Damian could only nod. He knew that. Logically, he knew that. He was past the point now where he doubted their affection. Where he thought his fathers look of concern was because he thought Damian was weak and not because he loved and worried for him. When he had thought his siblings had asked him to hang out out of pity because they knew bruce would kick him out soon. No. he was over that. But still, hearing it, hearing it said out loud. It was better than damian would have imagined. “Yeah.” he nodded and found tears running down his cheeks. He sniffed. “Okay.” His brothers relaxed marginally. “Now can you please get down Dames? You're scaring the shit out of me.” Damian almost laughed. His eldest brother never cussed. Instead he nodded. “You all worry too much. Im fine. I was trained by assassins after all-” but his foot slipped swinging over the railing. Dicks eyes went wide and Jason let out a shout but they were all too late, their hands grasping empty air as Damian plummeted towards that beautiful, dangerous water. But then there was an arm around him. A large, muscular arm. An arm with more muscle than any of his brothers combined, no matter how much they worked out. “Father.” damian whispered. “I've got you Princling.” Bruce muttered, one hand grasping the railing, the other wrapped around damian’s waist, pulling him close. “I've got you.” “dad!” Dick and tim and jason grabbed their father and pulled him over and bruce sank to the floor, cradling his youngest to his chest. “Please don't ever do that again baby.” Bruce whispered, pressing kiss after kiss after kiss to damian’s curly head. “Please.” his voice cracked. “It scared me so bad Prince. Please. I would have missed you soo much. So much.” Damian just nodded, curling closer. “I know.” he whispered. “Im sorry.” his brothers arms were wrapping around him, dick and jason and tims concerned faces peeking down at him and damian wonders how stupid he must have been as a younger child. How utterly blind he must have been to not have seen this pure, unbridled love they all held for him. Damian swore to himself, bundled in the strong and steady arms of his father and brothers, that he would never be that stupid, that blind ever again. And that he would never doubt the whispered ‘i love you’ s his family sent his way. He would treasure every one. 

[iheartchv]

Hey, I'm 18, btw. Could I request a COD match-up?

I'm a native Russian speaker . Im learning 5 different languages (Swedish, German, Spanish, Polish, and English). My height is 5"2(156,6/157cm), and i weigh 40kg. Pale and have eyebags. Freezing 24/ Dark blond, short (chin length with blond locs) hair, and i have blue-gray eyes.

Have scoliosis and osteochandrosis, and astigmatism (wearing contact lenses). Give no fucks. Calm and stealthy as fuck (yes, I'm THAT silent that I scare the shit out of my parents. They call me ghost, mhm. ) I'm studying a landscape design in college. I'm a spender.

Energetic at night times only (23:00-06:30 am.) Sleep deprived and have an eating disorder (i HATE eating). Addicted to RedBull. INTJ. I LOVE to listen to music l have my headphones in 24/7. Love drawing (digital only), horror movies. No friends.

Srry for my English.

🤔 I match you with...

Alex Keller

I feel like Alex would be your match

Of course he'd try to be your friend at first

He would probably meet you while he was undercover for a mission

He saw someone following right behind you as soon as you walked by them

He followed, making sure not to raise suspicion to your pursuer

Needless to say he beat the crap out of the thug following you

"You okay there?" He'd ask you

You nodded. "I could've handled it myself though"

"Really?" He'd raise an eye brow and a tiny side smirk on his lips

"Can I walk you home?"

Sure he was getting sidetracked from his main objective, but he couldn't leave you to try and fend off that creep

On the wall home he decided to try to small talk with you, trying to make you feel more at ease

There was something about you that seeemed to pull his thoughts from anything but you

You were in the back of his mind, and couldn't stop thinking about you

He had to see you again, but now was too soon

Instead, he paid for a room nearby to stay in while he was still undercover

For a few weeks or months, he didn't know how long he was going to stay

Alex met you on a subway later on, seeing you with headphones on, listening to music

He sat beside you, wondering how he should approach this...

He tapped you

"Hey"

He put on a small smile

"How are you?"

You pulled an earphone away from one of your ears and were startled but recognized who he was

"Fine. Thanks again for helping me out the other day."

"No problem. What're you listening to?"

He was doing what he could to keep a conversation going between you and him

And the more you talked, the more he was fascinated with you

He handed you a small piece of paper with the number and info for the place he was staying at

"You can call me if you need me anytime"

You tucked the paper in your pocket and thanked him

Well, you didn't call him, but he did come to your rescue when you and many others got held hostage

You couldn't believe that Alex was a military man, undercover

You saw him a different light bow as you saw him in action

Your heart felt warm and fuzzy

And even more so as he held you in his arms, carrying you to safety

After that, you two became close friends, keeping in touch even from across the world