#im too afraid to ask for help
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btw if i'm ever rambling about math on here and you have questions about it, you are ALWAYS welcome to ask. always. everyone has a different level of math education they're working from & math has a lot of technical terms & frankly i just forget stuff a lot so my rambling might not be all that coherent to begin with.
worst case is idk how to answer your question. more likely you will get some sort of explanation because it means i get to ramble more.
#helpfulness and timeliness of the explanation are not guaranteed but i will do my best#also i know ''there are no stupid questions'' is SUCH a cliche but like#i like math. if i can help someone understand the math i like a little bit better im happy. just ask whatever#''what does this word mean?'' ''how did you get from this step to that step?'' ''how do you know that?''#''i never learned what a factor was and at this point i'm too afraid to ask'' ''is zero an even number?''#i dont feel qualified to answer general math questions but if it's related to something im already talking about ur good#or just if you think it might be related#i mean general math questions are ok too it's just theres a much higher chance i wont have a good answer#because a lot of the stuff people tend to ask about is stuff i dont know all that well#i find infinity confusing. ive forgotten a lot of calculus and geometry. etc.#numbers do not lie
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struggling again with extreme artblock and general demotivation (as in nothing seems fun or appealing and you sit around staring at nothing doing nothing bc apparently no matter what i do whether drawing or not drawing i end up like this now)
i started to watch skitties totk video (again) and wrote a big post about how much i hate how the gorons are treated there but saved it as a draft like i have been doing with several rants now in order to not spam people with it over and over
but it does end up feeling like talking to a wall and just kinda .. increasing this looming feeling of extreme loneliness i have been fighting with for .... since i left school really..
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know i know this is my own doing#i never go out and have enormous trouble keeping in contact with people or answering messages#i never ever mean it mean#it feels like my battery is never above 10% charged no matter what i do#and answering messages often takes too much#which just makes this whole problem worse#its like a spiral making everything worse and idk how to fight it#maybe meds would help me#but if i have trouble even answering an ask i cant try to start the process of getting diagnosed with whatever hundreds of things-#-that are wrong with me#also being afraid of being put under surveillance or something for it doesnt help either#also fearing wrong meds doing wrong things bc i am weird#also afraid of not taking any meds bc that can reduce your lifespan if you are weird like me or something#which ........................... adds dread and guilt and doesnt help either#sometimes i wonder how i am evn still alive#the only reasons why are probably -luck- and being too much of a coward to end it all back when i was at the worst point of my life#bc i am not strong or resilient and getting through the worst .. so far .. hasnt made me stronger- just weaker and more pathetic#idk why im rambling all this in the tags- it must be exhausting to read .. i know it is#ill just go back to staring at a wall
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on the one side i think its good that i dont stress myself out too much for exams, especially if i fail. on the other hand, maybe ive normalized failing exams a bit too much, personally.
#not to be like this AGAIN but the pandemic severely fucked w me#in the sense that at that time i started failing all my exams. and its been nonstop from there#its been 4 yrs and idk how to free myself of this mindset. my studying habits have become basically nonexistent#(until the day before the exam where i cram a semester's worth (or try to) of studying)#ive tried asking my parents for help but my mom just told me to not be like that. so that didnt help much if im honest#and im too embarassed to admit it to others actually. like that was one (1) time i tried w my parents and im not trying that again lmao#but like. the dorm workers.... idk if its bc im technically an adult (even tho i dont feel like one at all) or bc im in uni or what#but when i talk abt my studies they always think i have it under control. and the dorm director too (hes literally a psychologist and#ive gone to him for other problems ive had). they all tell me the same thing#atp idk what it is that i need but i just wanna be done w it. especially my study yrs#im afraid that i will still have to do a masters degree tho so i can 'properly' work. master habilitante and whatnot#z xarre
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🗡 mad cowboy disease....
#‡ ooc#high noon tbt.#thinking of Them while walking to the shops... on my own little quest...#there may be typos but ignore them#listened through mars hn yone playlist i loved watching the 2 hr movie in my head#listening through my hn playlost now maybe ill make tals a spotofy thing too for easier listening....#got so many little scenes in my head#talon munching any lil bug/lizard critter they catch. whether they actually Need to eat is unspecified#but you know. probably. anyway thinking evilly at how i can describe their meals as either tantalising or DISGusting#talon being afraid of ending up an almalgam of feathers and sludge but ove talked abt that before#need to write more talon monologues or story times#reminiscing now. will add more later#talon trying their best to get through a Normal Human interaction on a bar or smth tryong to hide what they are and keep their hat low but-#and theres always a but- someone either catches a glimpse of theor face n compliments them or gets in theor way like 'hey-' or they catch#a glance at feathers or brimstone....#talon getting chased to be put in one of those carnie 'strange encounters' shows... they either do get caught or...#get rid of their would-be captors#time for more thoughts. i need to design talons demonic form and maybe even what their gradual corruption looked like 🤔#i also need to decide on a few factors abt how im treating their cape as tendrils instead... like if they naturally had 5 or lost one...#and how much control over individual segments they have#thinkin abt talon getting in trouble but not like. threat of death danger maybe a malevolent third party who wants them for something else#be it their blood or feathers or smth like that. maybe even after REDACTED and they get a bounty set by the sulfur king for REDACTED reason#to be brought back alive and hunters go after em......#oh. who can a demon slash half angel turn to in these trying times... 🥺😔 not that they want to rely on anyone#talon would rather die than rely on another creature for help. im kidding. :] or am i#thinking abt the thing i said to mars like. after their travels together talon tries to keep their distance from rell and yone but.#fate or something worse keeps bringing them back together. i said it better beforehand but anyway.#if its during this time of being hunted and they cross ways i can imagine talon not staying long at all or just turning 180 at the sight#part the fear the other two will join this hunt as well. the other part is that theyll be in danger if talon asks for help...#nor do they want to owe a debt to these two ough 😒
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UUUUGHGGHGHGHGH,,,,
#One my friend says that's what I look like when I talk about my hyperfixation.#They said I sounded like a maniac in one moment :[#I'll have to ask my other friends if I'm not boring them with my yapping-#-where I'm running from one detail to another trying to explain to them what I'm into#and also ask how I look when I talk about them.#And sorry about this post I'll make some normal art soon. I promise!!#I don't really hyperfix often. I can only remember the fnaf times that didn't leave me for years and now I fine....#...ok that fandom still haunts me and I can't stop watching what happens there.... but AHEM#And I never thought I'd hyperfix on anything again.#I thought I was finally free.#but now something's gone very wrong I don't know if it's normal. maybe I need help#I'm afraid it'll get to the point where I'll start telling my dad about it because it's going to be really weird.#now its funny to me because I thought I was only gonna post art on tumblr but ehehehEHEHEHAEHHASHAHFAHHAS#I think I'm getting off topic SO BYE.#.... and also there are TOO many tags IM SORRY#folli's though#< - yeah this tag can be here#shitpost#digital art#doodle#ms paint#art#hyperfixation
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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y'all i slept for 21+ hours uninterrupted? haven't done that in a a while.
#i did take extra trazodone bc taking it the first time is what triggered immediate vomitting lol i guess it still managed to take effect#i didnt even think it had time to reach my stomach or anything that's wild#unless i just slept that long bc i was so ill#that happens too#tyrell knew i was asleep that whole time and she didnt let arlo out give him food or anything :(((#he just held it im so sad#i know she cant feed him his food bc he wont let her but she could have brought him human snacks or dog treats from outside of the room :(#i know helping with their dogs is how i earn my keep since i dont help with the mortgage but like#he's a libing creature and his parent is essentially comatose how could you just leave him to hold it for nearly an entire day :(#he's too polite to wake me even if i were wakeable#is it reasonable to be upset about that?#we function as a family not as roommates#arlo is very often left out of familial things#keep in mind though arlo chomps tyrell sometimes#but not when shes letting him outside and stuff its only if like#like she cant put a cone on him#but she can do normal things like bringing him outside and stuff and she says shes not afraid of him#and has admitted that it's been her fault for the chomps bc she wasnt watching for the signals#what im saying is its not dangerous for her to let him out and she is not afraid to do so#she does when i ask her to when im very ill#but i couldnt ask while unconscious
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im on mission 27 out of whatever the fuck in final shape and i like. literally just love my ghost. i love him. and therefore i wanna look aat fanart BUT I CANT CAUSE THEN ILL GET SPOILED. AND IM SO SO SO CLOSE. SO CLOSE. and i already went to the helm to see if i can get better guns from this one engram and it said dont do that so now im like OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IM. SO SCARED
#also i feel like. for some gd reason tis campiagn is so mmuch harder than previous ones im doing it all solo and like#never have i died this much and WHYYYYYYY are there ultiple boss battles essentially permission IM ON NORMAL MODE IM NOT A GOOD GAMER#HOW TEH FUCKK#i love the strike i was like FINALLY IM NOT GONNA FUCKIN DIE AND HAVE TO RESTART 😭😭😭😭😭#i have one friend who plays and im too afraid to ask him for help cause im so bad and hes already done on legendary#and also ive never done the fireteamm finder and im SCARED#OKAY ANYWAY THO. I LOVE GHOST#final shape#destiny 2#i dontttt think this is spoilers but ill tag it just in case#destiny spoilers#final shape spoilers#whirlywhat
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#bo posting#vent#im self isolating#but i think i want to be alone#but i also dont#but the kind of company i want i cant have#intrusive thoughts about ny relationships are getting overwhelmingly#in too afraid to ask for anything#feels like if i do ill make things worse somehow#like im being a bad or inconsiderate person#but not avoiding things also makes me bad and inconsiderate#that im being a coward and should just deal with whatever outcome. even ifvits negative and nothing changes or gets done#and if i upset people it is my fault. and avoiding it is only prolonging that. ill upset someone no matter what i do#i just dont feel safe being a person with needs and emotions that affect others#that feels like it sounds sarcastic but im anxious and sad nd i dont understand how to help myself or what to do#and thrn we come full circle to why i cant ask for help
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my parents will do absolutely everything for my sister, cater to her every need, and then chastise her for not being able to do things on her own, and they'll ignore my every concern and then chastise me for not asking for help
#ive been asking for help for eight years dickheads#i give up#i know they'll never do anything for me unless it aligns with their own motives#tw sh >#and yeah whatever maybe this is about my dad telling me to my face that the only reason im in therapy now id because i used to cut myself#when i clearly stated i wanted to go for an autism diagnosis#he thinks theres something wrong with me and fuck it hes probably right#because ive never had better odds than i do right now#and im still relapsing#and im too afraid to tell anyone bcs i dont wanna be like the girls i used to know who'd pretend to kill themselves every other week for fun#and the screwed up part is im more afraid of my parents finding out than the fact that im actually relapsing#bcs i was in a terrible place and i wanted to kill myself every day two years ago#but my parents finding out i cut myself was worse than anything i ever went through before#the blame the guilt tripping the endless doctor and therapy appointments#the punishment for daring to be hurt the gaslighting#its been two years and im still not allowed to close my door#if they found out im relapsing i wouldnt be allowed to leave the house until i was 20#alex says shit#vent
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even if I find ppl a little annoying I'm happy to make Alliances like my upstairs neighbor is not the Best Friend Candidate I was hoping for but I wanna do something fun together because she can feed my cats when I'm away. I want to have a life where iI have people I can ask small favors of and they can ask me favors too
#i use to have my sister do it but it's much easier for the neighbor since shes right there and my sister just moved a little further away#but like one time I went to the zoo with my sister and she was saying she would like her future kids to come to the zoo with me#and then insisted she would be there too and NOT ask me to babysit??#like I've worked with kids I like them and I want us to b able to ask each other favors...#i think shes been watching tiktoks about how you shouldnt ask your friends to help you move or something#like are you afraid im gonna give them bad ideas because youre becoming more conservative#tayne newsletter
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Welcome
I would be truly grateful if you could help me with a donation in order to save my children and my family from the dangers of war and death in Gaza and escape to a safe place
Please Share Or Replog Or Donate For My Family 🙏
https://gofund.me/0511f253
please donate or share!
#sorry for not responding to this#i get iffy upon answering these asks bc i just feel like ill probably clog up my followers dashbosrds I'm afraid....#idk im a bit too gullible. but i guess I'll start responding to these more often since I still feel bad for not responding#free palestine#free gaza#fuck israel#please spread#please boost#fundrasier#please help#im not Able to donate but im sure somebody else can!
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feeling like such a loser lately and like is it the winter or is the introversion or is it the disability???
#for a while now its been so hard for me to discern if social stuff is hard because im ND or because im an introvert#theoretically i love parties but im horrible at them on my own#i dont know what to say or how to start conversations#i desperately want to mingle and talk to people and have a god time but idk how to start that interaction#esp because i dont love talking about my work/home life (bc it makes me feel like a loser!) so i dont want to ask people about their work#in case they reciprocate and ask me about mine#also the masking#the masking is exhausting#!#the ND masking not covid masking!!#im afraid ill have nothing to add to a conversation#im afraid when i do speak up that ill ramble about something no one cares about or talk fkr too long or being jn skmething that feels like#non sequitur and ill watch peoples eyes glaze over as they scan the room for others to talk with#i have no social anxiety about like asking for help or directions or “hey where did you get that pizza it smells so good”#or “omg i love your outfit!!!”#but in a room full of people who sort of know each ither#or like p much any space where there are clumps of people talking and im not in any of them?#i feel like a bother and incompetent#i crawled out from under my rock for my only social engagement this month and theyre on their 3rd of the day and loving it#hoping eventually i wont feel the need tk mask so much. i know that makes things so much harder#=
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out of curiosity, does anyone else consider the Brigadier to be a companion?
#rambles#doctor who#classic doctor who#brigadier lethbridge stewart#do i make this a poll?#idk how to make a poll and at this point im too afraid to ask#i've always considered him one#but not a traditional companion ig#he never travels in the tardis whilst working at UNIT - but neither does Liz and she's defo a companion#sara kingdom is a companion yet she only appeared in one story so being a companion isnt to do with the number of episodes#he's always there to help the Doctor and aid him (and further the plot with questions or arguing)#but he kinda does his own thing and doesn't always follow the doctor blindly like some companions do#he's not an audience stand-in like some companions - he's an authority figure and someone who's meant to clash with the doctor#but idk - i guess it's brig's willingness to help/aid the doctor and the two's bond and the amount of screen time brig has that all adds up#to him being a companion in my mind#in some dr who books he's listed as a companion#other times he isnt#(and is often his own thing - or labelled a recurring character)#im just really curious to see what others think
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Now I just feel sick to my stomach... like thinking what if I get top surgery and it doesn't fix me? Obviously it's not going to fix me, why would I even think that. It's something I've wanted so badly for so long that I don't know what's going to happen afterwards. I have problems unrelated to this and they aren't going away any time soon.
I just already feel bad, like I don't deserve this. I didn't earn this. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and excited and satisfied about it/after it... but what if I'm not? I'm not scared that I'm making a mistake or that this isn't something I want- I'm fully certain that is- I'm just scared that there's something inherently broken inside of me. Something that I don't deserve to complain about. Something that I don't deserve to involve other people in.
I feel like I should just be grateful but what if I can't be? Is that justified or am I a bad person? I know that I want this more than I think I've ever wanted any single thing for myself... but what if it isn't even worth it? What if nothing ever is
#sorry depression posting because im kind of freaked out#i dont know how to function like this#its like idk do any of you have anxiety about receiving gifts? well this is really fucking big gift#i dont want to say anything negative about it even if thats me asking for help because what if people think im ungrateful#im so very grateful. but im scared. and i need help#i dont know how to react and im afraid ill react wrong and my girlfriend will regret doing this for me#and theres no way to undo it so then she would just feel resentful about me. especially everytime she sees my chest#that would break my heart. i would awful too#i need this to be okay
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mmmmmmmmmmi think jn going to die maybe
#🌀.txt#not entirely serious but um. i lost the last pen of insulin i have and im too afraid to ask for help to get more#and i already feel incredibly ill. so#negative
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