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littleracha · 1 year

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im currently traveling a total of 19 hours by car, only stopping for the night 😵‍💫

im so sleep deprived and achey (sickly person here) and can only think about binsung taking care of reader in this same situation :( im so soft and sad. could you write something similar please?

Oh, little duckie! That must have felt awful. I am currently on vacation and doing the same thing, so I understand completely.

Please rest up hun! Lots of water and remember to eat.

Sweet Baby Otter

Cg!Changbin & CG!Han x Little!Reader

The boys were finally on vacation! They worked hard to debut 5-star and worked long nights away from home to give their everything to the fans. However Changbin and Han both missed their biggest fan, their little one back at home.

You told them when starting this relationship that you understood they were idols. It wasn't news to you that there were going to be many days and nights where you were by yourself. You ensured them that you would be okay, that you would be brave without Dada and Mama. However, being brave can be so taxing, your little and big hearts missed them every night. Regressing was getting to be difficult because it just made you feel worse. You never told them though, they could never know.

You were fast asleep in your bedroom. In a chokehold was the otter stuffed animal they gifted you, his name was Otto. Soon enough you felt Otto being removed from your arms and you being gently lifted into the air. You woke up with fright and yelled for your Mama and Dada.

"Shhhh baby, oh sweetheart we are right here" Jisung tried to calm you down before a panic attack broke out. "Mama is right here sweetie, and Dada is holding you, look." You looked down to see Binnie's smiling face. "Hello little one, Dada missed you so much!" He said as he began to smother your face in kisses, making you squeal in laughter.

"Dada Stop, icky!" You cried out but both your caregivers knew you were loving it.

"Yeah Bin, stop torturing our little one. If she dies now she won't get to go on our trip" Han said with a twinkle in his eyes. He loved how you instantly perked up at the word trip.

"Where Mama? Where we go?"

"Well Mama and Dada have the week off so we were going to go camping at the beach!" Han said as he squished your puffy morning face. Changbin could barely hold you as you wiggled with joy and excitement.

"Otto go to?" you asked with eyes as big as the moon.

"Yes little otter, Otto gets to go!" Changbin answered.

The first half of the car ride was fine. You were full of excitement and the boys were loving it but after lunch and a mandatory nap, you were beginning to feel bad again. The trip to the beach was much longer than you expected. Your legs were going numb, being in the back was making you sick, the a/c was both too much and not enough and to make it all worse you really had to potty.

Binnie noticed you were awake in his mirror and greeted you. "Good afternoon sleepy sunshine, how was your nap baby?"

"It was fine" you answered in a grumbly tone, which caught the attention of Han now as well. He and Binnie shared a worrying glance before he spoke.

"Just fine sweetie? Do you want Mama to put you back down for another one? Maybe you just didn't get enough sleep." Your heart broke at how concerned he was but you couldn't help but feel irritated.

"No, I slept enough Han, it's nothing" Han?!?! Not Mama? Not Sungie? Not even Hannie? But Han? Now they were both worried.

"Baby what's wrong, you can tell us." Binnie tried to reason with you but you couldn't tell them, you wouldn't tell them. They would blame themselves and you didn't want that.

"Guys I'm fine okay? Just a little car sick that's all" the collected coo they let out bothered you.

"Honey, we could pull over"

"No please keep going"

"but if you are sic--" "I SAID I'M FINE OKAY!"

With that Changbin pulled the car over. You instantly went from annoyed to scared. You never made them mad before. Maybe a small time out here or there but never mad. What was he going to do? Tears began to well up in your eyes.

Your door was opened and stood outside were your caregivers. Changbin reached in and unlatched your seatbelt, pulling you into his arms. He didn't say anything as he rocked you. A warm hand snaked up your back and rubbed smooth circles. Han spoke softly.

"Baby we don't yell, even if we are feeling fussy" He placed a small kiss on your temple. "Tell Mama and Dada what is making our perfect angel feel yucky."

"Just sick Mama" The whole thing made you slip again. You slipped so easily with them. You missed them.

"Sweetheart we know it's more than that. Did I make you upset, did Dada upset you, little one" It was Binnie's turn to speak and you heard the hurt in his voice.

"NO DADA!" You were quick to correct him which earned you a calming shush from both of them. "I no feels good"

"Where baby? Here?" Mama pointed to your belly.

"And here Mama" You pointed to your head.

"Is our baby not feeling good in their own head?" all you could do was nod. "Oh my sweet baby, what is your mean head saying to you?"

"It says it misses yous and that it no regress because can't do it byself. It also no likes being sick and feels like pukey. And and and it tired and wants to sleep but road bad. It wants to be at beach with Dada and Mama and not alones in back of car." You finally let it all out with a sob into Changbin's shirt. You felt alone, even with them right now you felt all alone.

"Baby oh honey, sweetie look at Dada please." You looked up at Changbin with wet eyes, he wiped them as he spoke. "Our sweet little baby, Dada, and Mama missed you so much. We missed holding our baby and playing with you. Did you think we were ignoring you by putting you down for a nap? We would never baby. We knew the trip was long and that you were probably going to not feel well so we wanted you to sleep through it. We are so sorry little one." Once he was done speaking Han reappeared, you hadn't even noticed he left.

"Here you go sweetie" He handed you Otto and a paci. When you smiled back up with a soft thank you, Han's heart melted. "Mama is going to sit in the back with you okay? We can cuddle and play games the rest of the way! How does that sound little otter?"

"I like that Mama"

With that you all loaded back into the car, dry from tears and ready to hit the road. Soon rocks and trees turned into ocean. Your game of 'I Spy' ended as you got excited. You pointed out all the pretty things to Mama and Dada while they told you what they were. Changbin pulled up the campsite and checked you all in. Once set up, Mama and Dada walked you down to the water to watch the sunset. You all sat there for a while after and enjoyed the company. Soft snores sounded from between the two of them. Your sleeping state was so precious, you looked so warn out yet so peaceful. Han picked up your now sand-covered paci and cooed.

"Our sweet baby otter"

#kpop agere #age regression #stray kids age regression #kpop age regression #agere #stray kids agere #skz agere #skz age regression #stray kids

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v-anrouge · 3 months

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Addressing and apologizing for the mistreatment and harassment i caused for @twstchatterbox

Long post under cut.

i’ve recently reached out to someone i have hurt a lot continuously due to my own selfishness; Rubia. i’d like to apologize to her. to make things brief we dated a system's alters and would all talk to each other multiple times a day because of it. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day Rubia reached out to me with a text warning me about the fact she'd be taking a mental health break due to her social battery being low, of course seeing that my first thought was panic and that surely ive done something terrible, despite her attempts to assure me that it wasn't the case. i blocked her because seeing her hurt me, and i was convinced i was right in the situation, and that Rubia was some heartless monster. i have gone out of my way for about two years now to spread rumors about her, participated in a hate club, went out of my way to ruin her friendships and isolate her, I was ruining her social life and it made me happy. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore because this is all my fault and I was disgusting.

I know i already sent you an apology but ill gladly do it again, even if you do not forgive me, because it's a totally understandable thing to do. Back when this happened all i could think of was myself, how sad i was how hurt i was and looking back on it i really feel just disgusted with myself and how i dared play victim when your note clearly showed you were not okay mentally, instead of being a good friend and wishing you a good recovery, i immediately treated you like you had betrayed me and completely disregarded everything you told me in that note. None of what happened was your fault, clearly if i had been cut off it was because i was also doing damage, and instead of apologizing i decided to treat you rudely, and i really truly do regret my actions. It's even more disgusting to take in the fact i continuously painted you as a terrible person when i check the way i answered to you reaching out and trying to be friends again, instead of asking for an explanation instead.

In the server i was in had two people who also constantly insulted and painted Rubia as a monster, one of them being the person she considered her internet little sibling at the time; hikaru and the other one is our ex, which id rather not mention. In that server we'd constantly talk about Rubia in a negative way that only served to make us dehumanize her even more, it started at first with simple venting made by hikaru because of the way they felt betrayed and hurt by being abandoned when they genuinely considered themselves siblings, then i joined in where we'd blame and insult Rubia for cutting us off completely ignoring the reasoning behind her decision, the system, who created the server then joined in, at first only expressing how they felt rubia didn't see them as a system but rather just as the alter she dated, painting their relationship as abusive and saying Rubia was causing the alter to almost go dormant. with our constant slander i only started to hate and see rubia in an even more negative light, which only made the way i talked about her with my friends worse. In these almost two years, ive demonized rubia in many ways, all because i was desperate to seem valid, ive hurt her in ways i know i will never be able to make up for, and any backlash i receive for this is more than deserved. Im posting publicly with her permission and supervision both out of respect for her, but also so you all can see the type of person i am, you can all feel free to block me and cut me off if you see fit, it was my own actions that brought this after all. And to Rubia; i know no matter how many times i say this that it'll never fix the ways i hurt your social life, but im truly sorry, i hope that one day you're able to get help and heal from the damage i've caused.

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musedblues · 1 year

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Another Little Piece

a/n: im supposed to be writing a completely different story but i literally dreamed this monstrosity up after too much nyquil. sorry it's so sad that's my brand i guess.

///

Ever since Eddie came back, he'd felt further away than before.

Maybe it was how you'd reacted to the news. When your beloved metal headed lover showed up at your door after having gone on the run for the police, dirty and tired and all scratched up; you sat in stunned silence as he explained to you everything that had happened in deadly detail.

Eddie explained to you why he'd run away from home the night the cheerleader wound up dead in Wayne's living room. He told you how Dustin and Steve and company had found him and how Eddie wound up in the upside down. He explained the upside down to you. He showed you his scars. He cried and you sat in stunned silence. You thought he'd died. You were busy planning a funeral. But then he was back and talking a mile a minute about something you could barely comprehend.

"Oh God, do you think I've lost my mind?" Eddie tried to laugh, but you could tell he was really worried in his asking. And because you were stunned, you waited one second too long to respond. And even though your answer was no, that beat of silence caused Eddies face to turn irrevocably twisted into an expression of upset you couldn't bear to see. You assured him over and over, once you got the words out, that you believed him. That you were sorry you weren't there with him. That you'd always been on his side through frenzy that erupted through Hawkins.

Or maybe it was the way you'd tried to make him feel normal again. You made plans and insisted on going out with Eddie as often as possible. Plans he'd never want to follow through. Maybe it was the night you kept asking too many questions, trying to understand better what he'd gone through. Maybe it was just the fact that what Eddie had gone through shifted something within him that couldn't be nudged back with good intentions.

It was the first day of Spring when you woke up to find him gone; again. Unlike the night he disappeared on the run from what killed Chrissy; he was prepared this time. Your shared drawers were disheveled, his clothes missing. His guitar gone from the stand in the corner. Your heart vanished, all the same. You ran from room to room as if you'd find him, ending up outside hoping the bike tire tracks out of the drive would give away the direction he'd fled. No matter, you'd lost Eddie.

But you weren't about to let him get away with it again. And this time, with a better idea of where to go looking, you took off into town.

The first stop was Wayne's place. When he finally answered your pounding at his door, he looked just as worried as you felt. But he'd gotten good at being reasonable. After telling Wayne that Eddie vanished with all his things, and learning your man hadn't ended up at his uncles, you both decided not to panic. Wayne told you to keep looking around town, and if you both had too, you'd figure out the next step when night fell. You thanked the elder fellow for keeping you calm and laying out a loose plan to follow.

And so your search went on. You stopped at the record store, the guitar shop, the convenience store, the school, all of his bandmates homes and his old hiding places. Every place you went looking for Eddie disappointed you. The weather seemed to turn chilly as the sun sank low in the sky. The breeze cut your face as you paced through town. As you sat waiting for your car to warm, you realized your nose wasn't running from the cold but from the tears you could no longer keep contained.

So you sat in the old mall parking lot and cried until your throat went dry. And then you drove back to Wayne. You didn't want to. You didn't want a new plan. You didn't want to keep looking or figure out a next step. You wanted your boyfriend back and better. And when you found Wayne waiting on the steps of his home, you realized nothing was quite the same at all. It hadn't been and it wasn't about to be.

"What are you doing?" You asked with a sniffle, halting your approach in the gravel pathway as Wayne looked up, his elbows on his knees, a cigarette burning between his fingers.

"He's here. He's safe. You don't need to worry." The man nodded, matter of factly. You breathed a sigh of relief, moving to race inside, to dote over the man you'd been missing for longer than a day. But before you could break out into your intended sprint, Wayne stopped you.

"But, darlin', he don't wanna see you right now." Wayne was slow to stand, looking regretful as he held a hand out to signal you to stay right where you were. You thought you're heart had up and gone when Eddie did, this morning. But it was still beating somewhere inside you, you realized, when it ached in a way it never had before.

"Wha- well, why not?" You stuttered, looking toward the windows, hoping if you caught a glimpse of Eddie you could get him to come out, or let you in.

"Look I don't know." Wayne spoke, stepping down to approach you now. "I don't like not lettin' ya in but he'- I don't know, he just needs more time I think."

"It's been months." You cried, voice dull as the voice around your throat grew tighter.

"I know." Wayne frowned, seemingly just as unhappy about this situation as you. "I know. Look kid, just come back in a day or two. I'll do my best to talk some sense into him, deal?"

You listened, letting your hands cover your face as you cried yet again. Wayne stood there a while longer, promising he'd do what he could to help. And you knew he would.

///

The knocking at your door stirred you from your slumber. A shot of hopeful adrenaline coursed through your system, could it be Eddie? No, you realized, as sadness numbed you. Eddie wouldn't knock. He would barge in and jump on the bed or kiss you awake. But a false hope ached at your core, because things had been so different since he'd gotten back. Maybe, just maybe, he was a knocker now?

Steve Harrington was the last person you'd expected to see on your doorstep. You'd never known him, you'd never cared to. So, when you found out Eddie's adventure away featured the infamous jock, you'd been more surprised by that fact than most anything else.

"Is Eddie here?" Steve wondered right away.

"No, but you are. Weird right?" You noted the quizzical quirk that appeared on Steves face as he sighed and decidedly told you why he'd shown up.

"Look, during the... the thing that happened, Eddie and I talked. He helped me realize some stuff and I just really could use more of his input. Could you let him know I stopped by?"

You bit your lip to cease the tears that threated to sting the backs of your eyes.

"Look, he's staying with Wayne. You'd have better luck stopping by there. I don't know when I'll be seeing him again."

"Wait what?" Steve waved a hand, confusion engulfing his features.

"I dunno." You shrugged and shifted your weight as you stood in the doorway. "I woke up on two days ago and he was gone." You'd stopped by the trailer like Wayne instructed, last night, and it went almost exactly like the one before. You were turned away with little to know information and an invitation to try again some other time. Steve stared at you, his befuddled expression unchanging.

"Okay, let me use your phone." Steve barged his way past you, inside your home. You watched with a slacked jaw as the guy headed right for the receiver on the stand by the sofa.

"Waynes number." Steve demanded, and because you were so caught off guard by his unexpected company and actions, you told him. After a beat of silence, waiting for someone to pick up the other line, Steve smiled with a hand on his hip.

"Hey, Edwardoooo!" Steve gave you a thumbs up, like a plan you'd worked on together had come together. Your heart dropped when you realized Eddie had picked up, and was listening to Steves call. Why did he get to talk to him? Why were you being left in the dark?

"Listen man, meet me at the diner? It's an emergency." Steve plead, and after another beat of silence, he nodded. Then he put the receiver down and told you to grab a jacket. You were both going to the dinner.

"Thanks." You muttered, confused, pissed, hopeful.

This wasn't how you pictured spending your year. You'd planned to watch Eddie graduate and to by a little piece of land and start a new job. You planned to help Eddies band get gigs in the shitty bars across town. You were fully unprepared for these new plans. For such lingering hurt and worry to haunt the outlines of your every waking moment. You were fully unprepared to hold small talk with Steve Harrington from the passenger seat of his car. You were fully unprepared to try and win Eddie back. You were fully unprepared to have lost him once, let alone all over again.

Steve bought you a coffee and started rambling about Nancy, and before you knew it he was asking you for the advice he'd sought after Eddie for. Inside, you scoffed. Outside, you listened and tried to offer the best answers you could to the guy's dilemma. Should he risk it all and publicly express his undying love for his high school sweetheart? Or should he let her go off with the man she'd been in a long-distance relationship with for longer than anyone had expected? You didn't know.

But your opinion on his quandary didn't matter anymore. Because Eddie was walking in. His eyes squinted as he searched the eatery for the man who'd called him here. He looked tired, he looked like the man you'd loved the most of all. He looked right at you.

When Eddies eyes locked with yours, for one moment, your heart soared. You sat up a little straighter, you began to open your mouth to call him over. But he spun around and hurried out of that dumpy diner faster than he'd waltzed in. Leaving Steve disappointed. Leaving you irate. Enough was enough.

"Maybe you two need my input more than I need yours..." Steve wondered aloud, watching you struggle to contain your hurt. He'd watched the whole thing play out, seemingly more confused than before. "I think you should let me take you over to Waynes. Don't ask to see him. Make him talk. He's running away from his problems again. But you don't have to let him keep at it."

You sniffled back tears as a fiercer hotter anger swelled with in you, and nodded, agreeing to Steves plan. You hadn't expected Steve Harrington to show up at your door or save the day. You'd thank him later.

///

Wayne opened the door, sad eyes flashing with shock when you stormed past him, apologizing with each step. He moved instantly to let you through, and you noticed out of the corner of your eye as the guy grabbed a hat and let the door shut on his way out.

Your march through the trailer ended when you reached Eddies opened doorway. He was slumped in a chair, head rested on a fist, a cassette blaring from his radio. He didn't look at you. Instead, he let both of his hands cover his face as you started to yell.

"Tell me you don't love me anymore. Tell me you're moving out, tell me what's wrong. Say something. But don't just fucking disappear again. I cannot take it again Eddie."

"I do love you!" He shouted back, uncovering his features, eyes leaking instant tears. You'd never seen him so distraught. Not when his car broke down on the way to a Metallica show. Not when he got back from the upside down. His heartbreak was never so apparent as it was now.

"Then what the fuck is wrong!" You demanded to know, throwing your hands in the air as the man you loved rose from the seat he'd occupied.

"I wake up from those crazy fucking nightmares and I see that you're not sleeping. I stay home from all those stupid parties that I know you want to go to, and you stay at home with me. I can't eat the dinner you make because I can't keep it down. I'm in the fucking way. I'm in your way. And I don't know how to get over all the shit that happened. But I do know I can't fucking live with myself if I keep dragging you down with me."

"Shit Eddie, I'd rather never sleep again so long as I knew we got to share a bed each night!" You pointed as he paced before you. Then Eddie stepped an inch away to let his grasp engulf the sides of your face. His hold on you was delicately gentle, his response was manic.

"That's romantic but it's bullshit." He hissed, his glossy eyes widening under a furrowed brow. "I'm gonna fuck this up eventually. You're gonna get sick of me screaming in my sleep. You're gonna tell me I'm wasting perfectly good food. You're gonna start going to all all those parties without me and come home to find out I still can't move on. I don't want us to end like that. So I'm ending things on my own terms, get it?"

"No, I don't fucking get it!" You cried, reaching for the man's arms and softly shoving his hands away from your face. "You don't just get to decide the future. You don't just get to decide what I think or what I might get sick of! You sure as fuck don't get to just leave. I know you don't want that. And I know you know I don't either. And that should be enough for now."

"So this is what you want? Because this is what it's like now." Eddie frowned, gesturing at the space between the two of you. Acknowledging the fight, the confusion, the hurt.

"Yes." You rang, voice still raised, desperate for your point to become clear.

"I'm gonna ruin your life. I'm gonna be a bitch. I don't know what else." Eddie warned in a whimper, seemingly exhausted. He probably wasn't sleeping well here, either. Not in the home he'd fled that housed such trauma.

"Sure, maybe." You pointed, eyes piercing into his. "But I'm choosing that. I'm begging you to let me deal with whatever happens. Now..." You shuddered a deeply held breath and tried to lower your tone, speaking up again more gently, "I'm gonna go make some tea, and then I'm going home. I want you to come with me. I want you to pack up all your shit and come with me. But if you don't, and I leave by myself, I'll be back in the morning. I won't stop coming back here until we work this out."

Eddie stood silent, watching you speak. You declared your final statement and watched him begin to decide his next move. After you'd announced your intentions, you stormed out of the room and put the kettle on. Try as you might to hear a bag unzip or a closet door shut, Eddies cassette drowned out any other noise.

You sipped your tea, trying to make it last as long as you could. Trying to give him as much time as possible. But the longer the clock ticked, the more your hopes crashed further to the floor. He wasn't coming out of that room. He wasn't coming back with you.

You abandoned your borrowed mug and slipped past Wayne as he arrived back, a million questions in his gaze. You couldn't meet his eye, however, and mumbled something about seeing him around.

You wished Steve had waited up to give you a lift home. You wished you lived on the same side of town, that the night air wasn't so cold. You wished you knew how to get to the upside down. You wished you'd gone there with Eddie, that you knew exactly what he went through. There was nothing more you could do or say, nothing that you hadn't already tried. Maybe Eddie was right. Maybe the pair of you couldn't make this work, even if that's what you both wanted.

"Hey, wait up."

You stalled, turning to find someone standing at the bend of the dirt path you were near the end of. Eddie was there, guitar slung over his back, bag in hand. You let your gaze sweep across the expanse of his figure, lean and scared. His features wrought; his hair frizzy. And you fell a little more in love; knowing that even through terse shared words and the uncertainty of the days ahead, love still kept the pair of you tethered. That even if you couldn't make it work, that he was about to let you try.

Eddie stepped deeper into the night, closer to you. He grinned when you took his bag in your hands and told him you loved him as you started to share the long walk back home together. And that was enough for now.

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x female reader

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pastelpousay · 1 month

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Hi again…I’m sure we all know what the hell this is for 😭💀

Sorry ik I keep coming on here about my stupid personal problems but lowk I think I might take another break I still wanna draw and write and stuff but that junior year depression hit me so hard I literally can’t rn 💀 I feel so isolated and alone and I feel like my friends hate me ( except for like one but still I don’t even get to see them cuz we have no classes together anymore.) I’ll still post art when I feel like it but I think the depression actually hit me so hard I don’t even care about how many people like my art anymore 💀 that’s saying a lot and school is not a help- I’ve felt like this for a while even before school but like at least I can write it off now I can’t and it’s literally only the second week 💀💀😭 this shit is sad as fuck.

So yea I might just go offline I hope to come back on here and I may like stuff every now and again and check in on some people but other than that idk I just feel so unmotivated I haven’t done much of any digital and the ones I did I hate or I just don’t feel like working on them, like I legitimately feel awful 😭 Hades and Rina is my only comfort it makes me so happy I love talking about them idk why I made it feel like such a job when literally no one gives a fuck about this shit but me. It’s why all my friends hate me, why everyone thinks I’m weird. And literally I already know no one in my school fucks with me they legit look at ppl like they’re some science experiment. This is basically a fucking repeat of last time but yea. I literally can’t it’s about to be my birthday and I feel so ass I’ll post for my birthday but that’s it I can’t do this anymore I love Hadina with all my might I want them to be real I wish they were I don’t understand why I have to here at school practically completely isolated I feel like I don’t have anyone anymore, like I don’t even feel important whatd the point do I even matter at all?? Like what if people just pity me or something idek why I care I feel so stupid saying this but I need to get it out and I can’t go to my friends because 1. I feel like most of them don’t like me 2. I’m so sick of them trying to reason with me I’m grateful for the help but it’s the same every time it feels insincere or like they don’t even care anymore. It lowkey might be karma but yea.

Sorry for the vent I don’t even know if I’ll leave I’m literally so desperate but I don’t even care. I miss when i started this blog when I was actually having fun and stuff now it just feels like I’m working I don’t want to do that it sucks all the fun out. I never complete any writing or anything and this is why. I hate school I hate everything about it.

OAKY AGAIN SORRY FOR THE VENT IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO STUPID

#this is dumb #THIS IS VERY DUMB #personal vent #vent post #vent #personal rant #I actually hate school #last year it wasn’t this bad #SOPHMORE YEAR WAS SO FUNNN #I dunno what happened this year #we’re two weeks in and look at me #i might fail again if this feeling keeps up I feel so alone and it feels like the staff intentionally fucked up everyone’s schedule #which is dumb asf #why do I have all teh annoying ppl in my class but not my friends?? like what #I don’t get it #like they have friends but I’m all alone #like I basically spend the entire day alone or with people I don’t want to talk to #i hate it here #I hate school so much #I literally don’t know why I wanted to go back #no one should feel this short on their birthday or this close too it #like I feel like I wanna die bro #like why am I feeling this immense dread rn it feels so unnecessary

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unlimitedtrees · 1 year

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nearly all of the character designs from 'UNITRES Dreams'

(once again, this post didnt have a “read more” part in da original cohost post, so im putting it here... click more if U Dare !!)

so, trying to get back into making art again, i decided to draw brand new references of all the character designs from my game, UNITRES Dreams. cus why not. anyways these references arent Perfect.. some of em ive made better reference sheets before (while for this i just wanted to draw em all together with a sort of consistent color style and their current, up-to-date designs) and also i didnt get to draw Every character as it is Too Much and i am Too Lazy to draw all of the enemies and boss designs ... so ive just included the enemy and boss sprites for now.. but ill probably draw new art for them sometime.

Anyways. let me tell ya a bit about making Character Designs for this game. as ive talked a bit about in my post about making Character Sprites , making stuff for the game is hard because i am pretty much the Only person working on the game and i have to split my time working on the sprites between working on Every Other Aspect Of The Game , meaning i dont get to spend as much time making the artwork as detailed and polished as id want to.

and the same thing goes for making the Character Designs. sadly, i didnt get to make as many Actual Characters as i wanted (you can tell which are the Actual Characters as theyre the ones i Actually Redrew Here). when the project started, i only really had the Main Three Playable Characters in mind.. in fact most of the other Actual Characters didnt even Exist until the Very Very End of development.. which is the part im sad about. i just didnt have enough time to think about adding any complex new characters or figure out how i would Make a new character design . Which leads me to the Other Characters... which includes Most (but not All) of the Bosses and Enemies. Their designs are well , Basic . their designs werent really thoughtout ;they were created to serve a single purpose: to be made quickly so that the game could Have enemies and bosses. if i were remaking this game now, id probably remove or even completely Redo a Ton of the enemy designs (except the post-UNITRES Dreams enemies ... im kind of proud of them Lol !!)

thats just how things were. i didnt have enough time to focus on making character designs, so i didnt get to make a Ton of them and i had to make them Fast . in fact, early on in development, i hadnt really had much experience making character designs (as , before UNITRES, i didnt really make too many Original Characters for my games before), so i struggled experimenting and making characters for a lot of its development. And The Designs themselves .. a lot of them (even the ones i like) are pretty simple. Most characters are comprised of simple shapes and details , making them easy to draw and animate. and a lot of the early designs used Very Few Colors , which made drawing them quicker.

Despite All Of This , However, i am actually pretty proud of a lot of the designs ive made for this game (Especially the ones with the fancy new drawings i made here ..). while theyre simple, and while i wish i couldve made More characters with more unique designs , i really like the designs i got to make for this game ,with some of em being my favorite to draw even when im bored .. and i just felt like id talk about em.

And Well , Im Gonna Talk About Em !! click da 'read more' thingy if u want to Read More ..

the Main three characterz

"trees"

so first off , let me talk about "trees". before i can get into their Actual Design , let me tell u a bit of history so u can understand why theyre designed the way they are.

So . around November 6, 2018 , before UNITRES was really a thing , i designed the very first version of Trees that u can see above. while i didnt know what the game was going to Be , i had a Basic idea of what i wanted the Character to be from the very beginning. you see, Trees (the character) ,while having the same name as me , is Technically Not a self insert , Kind Of . I designed this character near the beginning of when i started entering a Very Low Point mentally in my life (which involves some personal stuff im not going to get into , Aswell as this point happening Around when Among the Others released) and i thought Very Negatively of myself . And So , this character is sort of an exaggerated version of the negative thoughts i had about myself at the time .

the main characteristics of the character was they Did Not Show Their True Emotions , instead bottling up their feelings and showing a very Fake , happy version of themself. theyre also kind of Fucked Up in the head and try to hide it . anyways theres more stuff going on with them that you can probably extract from both the games and the old descriptions in this concept art , but i wanna leave that as a surprise for when i get to make my next game. There Are some outdated things from the descriptions in the concept art , such as an idea where Trees would be Always Facing Forward , hiding away their backside. And Also , you may notice theyre referred to as "it" and "his" in this , which has well. Changed . teehee.

as for The Design Itself , i wasnt really sure what i wanted to go for at first. this character was actually one of the Few first Actual Character Designs i made at that point , so i didnt really have any idea on what to do. One day , i thought up of a Little Bear Looking character , and i tried drawing that character .. only for it to Sort Of look like a little fox-like character. and i imagined this character emoting mainly by very subtle details , such as the Hat and Ears changing shapes based on their emotions ..

Anyways , later that month , i drew the very first sprite of Trees , which ended up being used as the Idle sprite for the UNITRES tech demo. i wont be sharing What that sprite was originally for , as im saving it for Something , but i Will show you Trees' sprite evolution:

from left-to-right , it starts with the very first Trees sprite. Then there's the first revision, which was done when UNITRES Dreams started development. Then there's the second revision , done for the Newgrounds update in 2021. And finally, there's the TREES' ADVENTURE version, which is the current version of the sprite.

with the first version, the sprite is Pretty Close to the first concept art. However , iremoved the blue part in the tail as i couldnt get it to look good in sprite form (or i just forgot to include it.. idont remember). I also removed some details , such as the little hair and the red blush, as i couldnt really include them on such a small sprite.

Anyways , so how did the design mutate into the current design ? Well , over time , i ended up drawing their ears and tail Longer , and ended up giving them longer and longer limbs (as it was Hard to animate them with the tiny limbs they had). Eventually , it got to the point where i decided to just redo the sprites to make em consistent with how i was drawing them , and thats how i got the second revision.

But Then , i started consuming media Other Than Sonic ! i think the main thing that infected my brain was Spinel from Steven Universe ... while Trees' design Did have a bit of the sort of rubberhose , silly limbs before (along with a Bit of contorting their form , as u can see with the expressions in the original concept) , when i saw the steven universe movie , i saw spinel and was Immediately like " Oh My Goodness Gracious . I Need To Make My Character As Silly As Her". And so , I leaned more into the silly , stretchy limbs . You can see this in the following sprites:

Anyways , as i kept drawing them and consuming more Non Sonic media , i ended up experimenting more with their design and adding some small elements from my inspirations .. one of the other main inspirations was Wander Over Yonder ,where i decided to draw Trees' hat to be more Silly and Big , like Wander's hat. i also ended up perfecting how i drew Trees , giving them more Sharp lines , Bigger and Sillier "hands" and "feet" , making their tail Huge , and just giving them a nice silhouette that i like . By the time of the Newgrounds update , i realized Trees' sprites were kind of Outdated , so i ended up redrawing Most of their sprites , and ended up with the version you can see in the current version of UNITRES Dreams ..

And well , Im Really Really proud of how their designed turned out . I Like to draw them a lot. and i think the way their design evolved has ended up fitting with their Actual Character really well .. the sort of Round , Soft elements such as their Big , Blobby hands/feet and their cute , silly face make them look , on the surface , cute and Silly . But then you have the more Sharp lines and elements , such as with their head and tail which i think makes their character have a bit of depth .. if that makes sense .

Idk . im not good at words or describing things . i just think their design now works really well with what i want to go for . and hey , a lot of my friends have drawn them and have drawn them Really Really Well .. i particularly like how people interpret their design .. with some people leaning into the more Soft , cute elements of their design , while some have drawn them Really Really accurately .. its really cool and im thankful for everyone whos drawn them before ..

Last Thing ill mention about their design (and i guess this goes for Most of the other designs) : Most of the characters in UNITRES aren't really supposed to be any Specific Species . Theyre all just sort of weird , ailen-like characters who do not abide to any sort of rules or reality or whatever. Trees is just Trees ; they're not supposed to be a Fox or any sort of Real animal or species or whatever, and that goes for every other character.

??????

so here's the very first designs of ?????? , who for now ill unofficially refer to as The Pink Character. When i first started development on UNITRES , i Knew i wanted there to be Three main characters: Trees, and two mysterious characters. and when i started work on UNITRES Dreams (back when it was known as UNITRES - BRAND NEW WORLD Edition) , i needed to create designs for them .. However , at this point i was still learning how to Properly Make Character Designs , and so i created the first sketch above ,and then created their first sprites , which . Well. I Ended Up Not Liking Their Design Very Much !

So . The whole point of this character is that they dont really know their own identity , with them not even having a Real Name . Their design was Supposed to be sort of Ambiguous .. However i was Not Sure what to do for their design . i wanted to make it so you couldnt really tell what their gender was (as originally , they were a girl ... but they do not have No Gender anymore) . However , when people first started testing the game , they just . thought they were a guy.

anyways . i just Did Not Like This Design . they didnt really have a Clear Silhouette .. they just didnt look like an appealing or memorable design to me. and i also i didnt like their color palette. So . when the game became UNITRES Dreams , i decided to completely redo their design . And Well ..

This is the first drawing of the new design. At First , i wasnt sure about their design , with things such as them being Pink and Having A Skirt, i was worried about Some People immediately being like "Oh , Theyre A Girl !".. but you know what ? Ive grown Very Very Attached to this design .. i think theyre both Cute and Recognizable , while still fitting the sort of character i was going for . Their sillouette , while not as Recognizable as the other characters , has enough goin on to where i think it is a bit recogniable and easy to read while still giving them a sort of Mystery regarding their identity .. if that makes sense . And their more monochrome palette compared to every other character helps sell that , i think .

i think theres probably some people out there who see this character as a girl , but i think theyre a good Non Gender Having character design . just cus theyre pink doesnt mean they gotta have Gender ! anyways , i love them. theyre my silly little strange creature. i hope you love them too .. there is so much i want to explore with this character in a future game .. and i think their new design has really stuck with me.

???

So , ??? , who i will refer to unofficially as The Blue Character, is supposed to Sort Of be the opposite of Trees (the character). they're Very Tired and Chill , not really too crazy or anythin. and i wanted their design to illustrate that, and well , out of every design ive made , theirs was pretty much perfect from the very moment i created them.

I dont know if i have any old concept of them on hand, but i Do have both the original sprites ,aswell as the newer ones which are pretty much the same as the old sprites , but more polished and with redone colors..

And, well. Yea . they didnt really change much ! The only aspects that changed was that i removed like , Two details that i felt cluttered up the sprites too much , that being the little Tired Eyebag/ whatever its called line beneath their eyes, along with the little Red Dot that was on their boots. Other than that , their design was pretty much Perfect. they were also pretty easy to make , as , with them being a sort of Opposite version of Trees , theyre pretty much based off Trees' design , except with a bunch of differences to make them feel like their own character (such as different body/head shape , a big silly hat , and Actual Boots).

there's nothing much for me to say about them. they're perfect.

the really gay ones

suzy, wavey, and their little Shine Catcher

Alright . so before i can explain These characters , u need a little bit of History .

So. when UNITRES - BRAND NEW WORLD Edition was "finished" , i went on to help with RRThiel and his game, MEGA MAN PERFECT BLUE. as you can see here, i worked on various backgrounds and tilesets for the game. Anyways , at one point , ithought itd be cool to remake the Intro Stage in UNITRES , as a sort of tribute to the game and also as a little extra thing for the new update i was planning on making (which ended up becoming UNITRES Dreams).

at first, this was Just going to be two levels based off the Intro Stage from Perfect Blue , However , later in MMPB's development , one of the backgrounds I did for one of the levels ended up being Completely Redone by other people on the team ,as my background didnt really fit the game's style .. However , i still really liked this background .. so I decided to reuse it for a new level in UNITRES , with it also being a tribute to the level in MMPB (though its a lot more loose compared to the Intro Stage level , Lol).

This level ended up becoming Greenhouse Frenzy in UNITRES , and i ended up turning what once was just going to be a two level bonus into an entirely new campaign with its own story in UNITRES Dreams. and with it being a whole new campaign , i wanted there to be New Bosses and New Enemies ..

So , for Greenhouse Frenzy - Section 1 , I was planning on a new boss ... and this boss was going to be ... Mr. Sauceman !

You See , for UNITRES Dreams i wanted to go Hard with including all sorts of little tributes to my friends and the people who helped with the game . Mr. Sauceman , being one of the composers of the game , let me use his character from the game hes working on as a boss in the game , and i thought itd be nice to have him be in Greenhouse Frenzy ,since that level is pretty much a big tribute anywayz.

So , Originally , i wanted the Sauceman boss to start out with a little Fake Out . You See, the MMPB level that Greenhouse Frenzy is based off has a robot master that i asked RRThiel if i could use for the level , but he said no. So , I decided for this boss that i would create a silly character Inspired by the robot master from the MMPB as a silly little joke , but then Mr. Sauceman shows up and that character explodes . And So , I Designed Suzy , a character who , while inspired a bit by the character MMPB , was made to be a bit different and also to be used for a silly little fake-out intro and to die in 5 seconds . You can see this on the reference sheet , where she didnt even have a name and is just referred to as "GF2 Fakeboss".

However . Two Things Happened : 1) I Grew Kind Of Attached To This Little character I Designed , And 2) I Ran Out Of Time. i couldnt implement the fakeout that i had planned ... and i didnt have a boss fight for Greenhouse Frenzy - Section 1.... So. I decided to just. Make her the boss fight of GF1. it just made sense ! i Originally had planned a boss fight based on the Magik Master boss from Chaotic Carnival , but reusing the character design for the silly fakeout ended up being quicker , and so she ended up being an Actual Character in the game.

And Then There's Wavey . she is a robot. i originally designed her as an enemy for the Intro Stage tribute level (a.k.a , Perfect City) , as i wanted it to have its own enemy. Her design is also Some What inspired by one of the robot masters from MMPB , though not as much as Suzy's is.

Anyways , despite Suzy and Wavey being inspired by characters from MMPB , i wanted them to be different and have their own sort of Character . And well .. their actual Personalities are different to the ones from MMPB , at least . In UNITRES Dreams , there is a hidden "Storybook" mode , which contains various stories which add a bit of Worldbuilding into the game .. and one of the stories details Suzy and Wavey . Basically , Suzy is a lonely gardener , who lives alone on her own strange little planet , who then travels across the galaxy to the Perfect City , where she ends up meeting Wavey , a military robot who Suzy becomes fascinated with ..

Anyways . my writing aint exactly the best , and i Refuse to go and reread the stuff i wrote for the storybook mode in unitres . but i tried my best to make suzy and wavey their Own sort of characters , having their own identity compared to the characters theyre based on. Oh , and by the way , suzy and wavey are gay LOL !! and they have a little baby plant that they raise . this is also told in the storybook but i unfortuately didnt get to explore this Much outside of that in the game... though there Is a secret you can find in one of the levels.

So. what do i think of these characters and their designs ? Well. Honestly. Im Not Sure . when i designed them both , i still wasnt Totally comfortable with character designs as i am now , and honestly . theyre not my Favorite designs . Wavey in particular is just . Well . Shes Just Metal Sonic in A Hat . she has her own little differences , but i cant lie . i probably coulda done better with her design . and suzy i think hasnt aged as well either . Idk. Also. In Case You Cant Tell , I am BAD with coming up with names . I Genuinely cant do it. i came up with both of their names on a Whim . i justdidnt know what to call them and i was running out of time LOL !!

anyways. last things ill mention are : the plant is a species known as Shine Catchers, which appear as enemies in Greenhouse Frenzy. Oh , and also , here's some concept art of them Lol !!

(oh , and i also forgot to mention: originally , suzy had green dots on her "hair", but i didnt know how to properly draw them on the sprites , so i left it out)

the Silly ones (a.k.a my favorite ones)

Millie

So . Millie is the most self-indulgent design Ive created .

Here's how it went: one December day in 2020 , I was sitting around bored as hell , when all of a sudden , the Silly Brained part of me Saw an idea pop up: A Tall , Hot , Cute Clown Man . And Instantly , I KNEW I had to draw him . But I Was in the middle of a Zoom call ... So . I opened up IbisPaint on my old Android phone , and drew the First sketch with my fingers that you can see above . And Instantly I Knew : I Had Done It . I Made Perfection .

More ideas grew , and i realized : I Could Do Something With This ! So , later , I came up with a whole reference sheet for him , and started planning on something: I was going to make More characters for UNITRES Dreams . You see , at the time , I was working on the v3.0.0 update for the game. This was Very Very late in development , before i even Planned there being a Newgrounds version (and before ninjamuffin convinced me to Make the newgrounds version LOL !!). Anyways. for so long , iwas disappointed that i didnt get to make a whole lot of original characters for the game .Most of the characters were either Enemies or Bosses. there was Barely any NPCs (aside from the guest character apperances).

i Also Realized: Chaotic Carnival , one of the most Important levels in the game , needed More love . So. I decided i was going to make new NPCs just for it , so that the level could feel even More alive and lived in. And that's when i created the Silly Trio , which started with Millie.

As for Millie's design , there isn't much for me to say. he is perfect. i love him and he is one of my favorite things ive designed. Yes , it Is self indulgent . Yes , i Do Want Him Carnally . teehee. Anyways , after designing Millie , i knew i had to design more characters .. which leads me to..

Goldian and Ellie

Goldian is a tall , polygonal magician man. He is in love with Millie. They are canonically dating.

Ellie is a bunny-like clown girl. She likes to entertain people with magic. I think she might be asexual , but i wasnt very sure when i created her.

Anyways. there isnt much for me to say. i Could get into some of the Character Lore perhaps . Millie , Goldian , and Ellie are all characters with troubled pasts.. they all had to run away from their homes due to circumstances , and they managed to find the mythical Chaotic Carnival, where they all met and decided to become entertainers. It gives them purpose , to see people happy. And they work under the Magik Master , a strange magician who has the ability to bend reality at will. They're all like a sort of Found Family .

that's all ill say about them. theres so much more i want to do with them in the future... i love these characters so much. theyre my favorite designs ever.

Oh ! Iforgot to mention . these characters (including millie) names also suck LOL ! Im not good with coming up with names !! all their names i came up with at the last minute

All The Other Characters I Forgot To Mention

the magik master

nothing much to say about them. theyre one of the first bosses i created, and i Kind Of like their design still , though i might consider redoing it so it fits with the rest of The Silly Ones ..

vie

nothing much to say about Vie . she's a flower girl, who spreads flowers to every level in the game. she got the flowers from the Suzy's Greenhouse ..

Misc. Concept Art

#TreesThinks #UNITRES #UNITRES Dreams #art #artists on tumblr #character design #characterdesign #gamedev #game dev #game development #indiegame #indie game #indie dev #indiedev #indie development

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no-lavender · 3 months

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Okay thoughts are in order let’s talk about love islands episode!!! Spoilers below :3

Okay first off i’m so glad to see these girls get angry for the disrespect they got out through and be pissed off at the guys because they deserve every inch of that anger. Seeing Kaylor talk shit about aaron and thank god was so fucking funny like she dodged a bullet for real LMAOO!!! Seeing serena complete cut kordell off and not giving him the time was so wonderful to see. I also loved seeing all the girls support each other and be there for one another. Seeing liv and leah sleep outside and comfort Kaylor and Serena after everything was so sweet. You can tell how much they love and care for their friends.

No because the switch up of aaron on the last day of casa was crazy. Doing all this shit with daniela just for in the end to not recouple with her and tell her you can’t be with her is evil. Also rob shooting his shot with her was so funny to watch because i fear that man cannot hold a conversation. It was so awkward watching that 😭 The thing that pissed me off the most with seeing the boys in casa is i think um kendall, not too sure about that, saying “forgive and forget” LIKE NO. You cannot fucking forget this shit and forgive it. These girls were so hurt by the guys reactions i do not want any of them to forgive the guys. They do not deserve a single ounce of their time. The girls deserve better than those guys!!! bring in more bombshells for them pleaseeee…

Recoupling…. I knew liv would chose that guy, i feel like they did hit it off but i don’t see them lasting unfortunately LMAO. I’m not surprised at all to see Kendall and Nicole stay loyal to each other. I knew that was going to happen. Though i do wish Nicole brings him aside to chat about what he was saying in Casa especially about Kaylor because it was not right and fucking disrespectful.

ohhh don’t even get me started about leah’s decision to stay loyal. She knew that man would recouple with another girl but still stayed loyal. in my opinion it was not smart, but i do see why she would want to stay loyal. She was holding out hope Miguel would like their connection they had just as much as she did. And oh my god what Miguel was saying when Ariana asked how he felt about Leah staying loyal is crazy. That man was just saying shit and i feel so bad for Sierra for standing here and hearing him say this. You can tell she felt a little uncomfortable hearing that explanation but dam i think anyone would. I really fucking wished in the end though she picked iggy. He seemed like such a good guy and got along with her so well. I’m so sad to see him go

Kenny… Kenny kenny kenny. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU!!! I genuinely thought he would stay loyal to JaNa and he fucking disappointed me. My jaw fucking dropped seeing him walk out recoupled. I felt so bad for JaNa because it seemed she really liked Kenny so much and to see him do this is heartbreaking. She has been screwed over by so many guys in this villa and I really hope she can find someone that really likes her. Even if she had the two guys from the villa i can see why she didn’t pick them. But god i still feel absolutely terrible for her. I also feel bad for the girl he coupled with because his explanation was also shitty and she looked uncomfortable too hearing that he thought he had a stronger connection with JaNa, like i would be crushed. Even with him saying that doesn’t make up for what he did and made her feel. It’s heartbreaking really.

Kaylor stood on business and i’m so happy for her. I’m sad she didn’t choose to recouple with any of the guys because that one guy did show a lot of interest in her, but i understand her reasoning as why she wouldn’t. If it feels too soon, it feels too soon and i respect that so much for her. I’m so happy to see her call out Kendall for his comments and how much it hurt her. Im so happy to see that he’s getting dragged into this too because the encouraging of this behavior was crazy!!! Though, Kendall needs to say a lot more than just “sorry” have an actual conversation and apology to Kaylor😭 Seeing Kaylor get upset and asking Aaron to explain was amazing! Like yes!! you deserve and explaination babes and don’t let him bring you down through it! I fear that he’s just going to lie about everything that happened and downplay everything that happened in casa with the way he was asking “What was in the video” Like no you explain first like what are you trying to hide??? He was just trying to see how he can downplay the situation and it was pissing me off. So glad Kaylor didn’t fully explain because it would make Aaron try his best to get out of the situation. So glad to see Kaylor put herself first but i’m so sad to see her chose to be single.

I will admit it was so fucking funny to see aaron cheering when he saw Kaylor alone and the girls laughing. Like bro… she’s not there for you LMAO

SERENA!!! my girl fucking stood on shit like kaylor and did not let Kordell disrespect her. I was so happy to see her call out Kordell and make fun of him because after all the disrespect and what he did it was fucking amazing to see. She meant it when she said she was over it! I’m just so happy to see him put in his place. Also the way he was downplaying what happened in bed when she literally saw the video is crazy? Like there is proof man… you’re not winning this argument!!! Once again so funny to see Serena just repeatedly make fun of him and ohhh THE MIDDLE FINGER SHE GAVE TO HIM!!!! She ate that up and it was so deserved. Really all i have to say because Serena really did amazing just shitting on Kordell LMAO Though unfortunately during this we were cursed with seeing robs eye roll which sucked… 😭

It was so funny seeing Rob walk in with Daniela and seeing all the girls get confused and be shocked when they realized. Like i cannot imagine what’s going through their heads at that moment because i would be so confused!!! Especially after the video. Also liv saying “And you were concerned about them sharing the same toothbrush” WAS SOOO FUNNY! i burst out laughing like oh my god

I felt so bad for the casa boys because they were just awkwardly there and not getting chosen like ☹️

It was so amazing to see the girls in the villa have each others back against these men and let them know they can’t get away with this shit. I can’t wait for sundays episode to see these men cry and see the consequences of what they did. I’m glad they know they just can’t disrespect these girls and get away with it!!!

I hope my girls JaNa, Leah, Serena and Kaylor have new bombshells that come in for them because I’m going to be so heartbroken to see them go! I hate seeing them all vulnerable and single right now and I hope things change. I can’t wait for Sundays episode…

#THIS WAS SO MUCH IM SO SORRY LMAOO #i didn’t reread this so if i messed up anything erm.. lmk

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sunset-bridge · 1 year

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gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

#goro akechi #p5 #sure i guess #ahah the rival life with ocd ocpd and other fun things is so. fun (NOT)#man #this is why i became so attached to him when i was playing... its like. YO THIS guy this guy gets it (becomes obsessed)#im not joking i think goro is probably my favorite character in anything ever. at least now. but like. ive never. felt so much ...for any #fictional guy #man....#love to hear you guys thoughts! as i said i dont dislike if you disagree on something; sometimes i may be seeing things wrong! i want to #know so much and understand my favorite guy ever ^^ hes so much to me. so id love to hear everything!!#after all. i hadnt even considered cptsd before someone brought it up. even tho. i also. have. it. LOL

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raincamp · 1 year

Text

7 - 27 - 23

today has been... a lot. i have a lot to talk about because it really just keeps snowballing, ive had the worst fucking BPD episode today

so i wrote this this morning, expecting to get to actually have a session with my therapist today, since yk, i did finally make an appointment with her referral (for context if you didn't read my last posts, she basically said: no appts until i start addiction counseling bc she can't treat addiction) //

"i've been having the worst and most painful fucking week of my life only for everything to be entirely made up by my imagination, oh how i fucking hate paranoid ideation

as i'm writing this i have about an hour before my therapy appointment— which i was one hundred and ten percent sure was going to be rescheduled, and that i was going to be terminated, because apparently my therapist doesn't like me— and i'm having so many urges to like, hurt myself, or do something to prove that I've been in pain this week because now that i've realized it was all just paraoia my pain no longer feels valid, or justifiable, or even real because of my emotional impermanence making it literally impossible for me to relive the emotions i was experiencing even 5 hours ago.

im partly glad that i only blew up at her once, i think i would be so much more embarrassed had i not. not to say that im not entirely ashamed of my entire reaction to something as small as this, but i also feel like she would've been able to understand how much I've been struggling this week if i had. and since I can't wholly remember how it felt, if it exists in somebody else then it makes it more real. idk. i just want my pain to be validated by her so much."

i was fully ready for her to text me today and be like "oh chill you made an appt see you in an hour" but what i got instead was radio silence. so i checked my appointment portal only to see our standing appointments for the next 3 weeks cancelled.

believe me when i say, my heart fucking dropped, i mean like, it was on the fucking floor, i was hit so hard i couldnt breathe for several minutes.

so, yk, i text her begging for an appointment like the pathetic emotional parasite that i am, and all i get in response is a "we can reschedule once you've attended your intake appointment" so i was like, welp, that sucks bc my intake is next week on a Thursday, so now i have to go two weeks without therapy. absolutely triggered the fuck out of me, i was crying, SOBBING on my floor, it just hurt so fucking much. i felt like i was being ripped apart and sewn crudely back together again, over and over again, everytime i calmed down enough to breathe it would start over again, wave after wave of sadness and shame and abandonment and rage and grief and desperation. i just wanted to stop feeling so much PAIN.

and yk what i did, instead of hurting myself like i nornally would, i texted my therapist like i've been taught to in DBT. she's SUPPOSED to be there to help me when i need it. thats literally in her contract.

mid-sob i typed out a message that was more akin to me begging her to pull me out of a sea of misery and perform CPR on me than professionally asking for help, but i genuinely didnt know what to do, and i STILL don't, because distress tolerance only goes so far, ive been feeling like this, constantly, since our last session.

and she just responded with reminding me that she set the boundary a week ago and we talked about a referral 11 days ago, but she was available for an appointment in two weeks (meaning ANOTHER week without therapy, total: 3) . completely ignoring my plea for help. it felt like she was telling me "hey just a reminder, this is entirely a consequence of your own actions. have fun dealing with it yourself!!"

i have fucking BPD, the only way i KNOW how to deal with anything is by hurting either myself or the people around me. and im THIS close to self destructing and quitting therapy altogether.

i am so fucking pissed at her, idk how she can expect me to survive three weeks without stable treatment. especially after i was hospitalized last month for a suicide attempt?? she knows how much im suffering right now. is keeping a boundary really so important that she can't even help me when im hurting this much?

all i want right now is to scream at her, and im definitely going to, at the very least, be as much of an arse as i can over text, idk, i feel like i deserve to let myself be angry at her. its definitely justified, despite what i said before. theres clear evidence now that I wasn't being paranoid.

i just feel so abandoned by her, physically and emotionally, i feel like i have nobody, i feel like im back to where i was before i started treatment. its so frustrating, and painful. and the fact that this is due to an addiction that i dont have any control over is making me feel even worse.

im trying to figure out why she's doing this, like, she's shown shes competent, i genuinely cant understand how doing this is supposed to help me. how is putting me through this much pain going to help? its making me so unstable. and ik im going to relapse again at some point before i get to see her again.

im trying not to think about it anymore, because everytime i do i start crying again. its to the point where i have a killer headache and my eyes hurt so much from the amount of tears ive spilled.

i fucking hate this disorder so much. nobody but me would be this attached to their therapist. normal people would be able to cope with someone setting boundaries easily. this shouldnt be causing me to feel this way. its not fair. im so exhausted from having to hurt so much all the time, at this point its chronic, its become background noise, its my idle state, and im enraged about it.

i hope good omens season 2 lives up to my expectations.

- andrew

#tumblr diary #journal #tumblr journal #vent #bpd vent #therapy #mental health #bpd #borderline #actually bpd #im not mentally stable #actually mentally ill #borderline personality disorder #mental illness

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ginnsbaker · 1 year

Note

Chapter 13, um hello?!?!?!? HELLO?!?! That ending!!! I’m screaming, crying and throwing up?!?!

First of all, amazing chapter! The flashbacks, had me all over the place, my goodness!! I mean they were so bittersweet as memories often tend to be, especially after having a major rift with the person from those memories.

Second, Yelena, my sweet Yelena, oh so thoughtful and loving to [a slightly] undeserving reader, in my opinion! Has me just stumped! Like the way she carefully crafted a celebration to honor reader with the people reader most cares about and here reader is thinking about Wanda! Like ugh! I just want to fucking scream!! But I also get it and don’t completely blame reader, you get me?! Because thinking of the memories of some of your greatest times in a decade especially after having experienced so many lows is understandable, like the mind will mostly always travel to happier times, so I get why reader would look back to those memories.

Third, Clint revealing that Wanda is seeing a therapist for addicts!! I gasped!! Like, OH. MY. GOD!!!

Fourth, the times that Natasha has felt betrayed by reader always hits me more than like the actual relationship angst (???) and I just hurt! Haha but also I love that Nat is keeping it real and calling reader out on her shit!! Because I know even though Natasha’s portrayed as bad ass and all, she’s always been such a big softie to me who just deeply cares about the people she loves and wants to protect them at all costs! So when she said “if you hurt my sister because of Wanda, I can’t promise you that this won’t come between us.” That low key almost had me crying?! I can’t handle best friend break ups!! Haha but I understand where she’s coming from and I hope reader gets it together!!!

Fifth, reader and Wanda going out to eat and acting like old friends has me so conflicted!! On one hand yay, Wanda and reader!! On another hand, I hate how deceiving it feels for reader to be meeting with Wanda in that way!! Like I get it happened spontaneously, but it also kinda feels like cheating to me, something that destroyed reader in the beginning!! Like, that’s literally why we’re here!! Haha like if it weren’t such a big deal why act nonchalant and lie to Yelena?!? That’s fishy!

Sixth, Vision?!? I hope he’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do because I will literally not know what to do with myself!! (I may be jumping to conclusions, but this story has been angsty so can you blame me?)

Last, like always I apologize for my thoughts maybe being all over the place, my brain thinks faster than my fingers can type! Haha but I just wanted to say this chapter was so fucking good!! Like you literally have me writing a whole ass essay here and I apologize!!! Haha, but you just make me sit here and think, which I find so cool honestly!! And it’s also what’s so great about this story!! I will seriously never tire of saying that!! I know there’s quite a few chapters left and that makes me both happy and sad because this has been such an awesome read, but I’m also excited to reach the finish line and see how it all ends!! Thank you so much for this amazing journey!! I hope you have an amazing week! Stay safe and take care! -💫🥀

I'm in love with your thoughts as always. Thank you so much for writing this long review, it always gets me excited :D

I'm gonna address your comment in reverse.

Vision - i know im dramatic, but i don't want to make it too dramatic that what he has in mind is so scary and something to be worried about. Let's just say as a selfish, immature and spoiled brat, he only thinks about himself and so his "form of revenge" has something in it for him than just making someone suffer.

R and Wanda spending time - I remember an anon telling me that they experience emotional cheating and it didn't count. so this chapter would like to say that IT DEFINITELY COUNTS. R doesn't realize because she's already caught up in having feelings for two people and had been in denial all the time. so she's clinging onto the technicalities of a relationship and what constitutes cheating.

Natasha- i would like to apologize as early as now :(

Yelena - i want to take her on a vacation and just pamper her and buy her cocktail drinks to keep her happy. she's the sweetest angel

Again, thank you for sticking with the story :)

#ilgoss asks #💫🥀 anon

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killingsboys · 2 years

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suicide ideation tw

as someone who is actively suicidal, its always so...strange? hard? overwhelming? to see people that have lost someone to suicide.

i often wonder if anyone will miss me once im gone. and i wonder if all those people that died from it would be happier if they had kept going.

its strange bc those individuals meant so so so so so much to people but now they r just a statistic. and its conflicting. like i feel like by reducing it down to "this many people kill themselves every year" we r disrespecting all those human lives. and it makes me feel like people dont actually think human lives are precious and important, at least not as much as they make it sound like they believe.

its overwhelming to see someone who still remembers their friend or their birthday after so many years. it makes me feel guilty for wanting to die bc i dont want to hurt people that i love the most.

its just...conflicting and confusing. im so sorry for your friend. but i think he'd be overjoyed to know that u still remember him and his birthday <3

trigger warnings for suicide, suicidal ideation

i was suicidal for several years and for so much time, the only thing that kept me alive was not wanting to put other people through the pain that i had felt. so please believe me when i say that i understand what you’re saying, anon. for years of my life, i was so alone with my sadness because i felt like expressing it or asking for help would be to admit to this deep selfishness about me - like there is anything about wanting to die that is selfish. it wasn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to you.

i don’t believe in guilt or shame as tactics of suicide prevention, so you aren’t going to find that here. i can’t convince you to want to live, and i wish that i could, but since i can’t, i have no need to make you feel worse. i want to thank you for sending me this message, though, because i know that it couldn’t have been easy but i do believe that we’re all a little better when we say these things and we come to understand them a little better.

i can’t say that every single person who dies by suicide would be happier if they were still alive. but, at the risk of sounding completely corny and unbearable, i can say that they’ll never know if it would have gotten better. I know that suicide is a systemic problem that will never be solved with blasé posts about “checking on your strong friends” and compilations of phone numbers. and i know, logically, that it isn’t really a choice that you make. i’m not going to give you the whole “it gets better” thing because i’m sick to fucking death of it and i can imagine you are, too. but i will tell you that i am 100% sure that people would miss you if you died. i don’t have to know you to know that. even when we feel like nobody cares about us, there is someone who does. every single time.

i also don’t like when deaths by suicide are reduced to statistics, but i will say that every time i see one of those statistics, i think of my friend, and i imagine my pain multiplied all of those times, all of those communities irreversibly changed. to me, and to a lot of people who have lost someone this way i bet, it’s never a jumble of numbers. it is physical, unyielding pain. i don’t believe that there is a lack of compassion or love for other people, i think there is a lack of understanding. it is hard to conceptualize any of it - suicidal ideation, suicide, or the aftermath - without experiencing it. even hard then, often enough.

for the record, i don’t believe suicide prevention is pointless or hokey. i just believe that a lot of people are doing it wrong. the whole “hell” thing, the “coward” thing, it’s all so awful and cruel to people who are already suffering. but again, i don’t need to convince you of this.

i’m sorry this response is so strange and wordy. i don’t want to say the wrong thing, but i’m also not sure there’s exactly a right thing to say. people rarely want to have these conversations and i’m rarely the person they want to go to with it - a lot of people seem to think that the word “suicide” is going to break me in half (it won’t, by the way). all i know is that it’s been nearly nine years and i don’t miss or love my best friend any less for it. i think of him on his birthday and the anniversary of his death and every day between the two. i still message him on facebook sometimes, and i can’t remember what his laugh sounded like, which really hurts me to admit. i don’t say this to make you feel guilty. it isn’t your fault and i don’t want you to feel bad because of something you didn’t ask for in the first place. it’s just the truth. not your fault, not mine, not anybody else’s.

i hope that one day you don’t have this guilt and that you will want to live just for the sake of living. i hope that it really does get better for you, corniness be damned. i hope that you understand that you really are loved, simply by the virtue of being a human being with inherent worth. i love you, and i don’t even know you. i love you because our paths have crossed, however unlikely, and you have had a real impact on my heart. i hope you believe me when i say that.

if you ever want to come back and talk more, about this or anything else, my ask and DMs are always open. come anonymously or not, to talk about grief or guilt or a tv show or anything else on the face of the earth. i am always here, and i mean that, from the bottom of my heart. other people are all we’ve got.

i apologize if i am overly sentimental or ridiculous but i do genuinely believe every word that i have typed here & i hope that they mean something to you 💛

#thank you.#answered #love letters only💛#anonymous #suicide tw

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hyunjining · 2 years

Note

Hello, I dont usually speak on much but as someone whos also been here for an absurdly long time I too understand how you feel haha and just wanted to give a friendly metaphorical pat on the back because it really does fuck me up too sometimes. I guess ive been wanting to talk to Someone about any part of larry for a long time but for me I guess I dont feel much most of the time because im just waiting :/ I really do believe at some point we will get answers and see whether louis and harry do get to be publicly together (or broken up) but either way its knowing that at some point I will be proven Right that keeps me mainly unbothered by the crap we see day to day. Not to say that I dont get the initial "what the actual fuck are his team doing/ who decided this/ why is this happening for the 100th time" when a new stunt or absurdity comes along - this probably applies to the documentary aswell like I know ill groan and feel terrible for half a minute if Babygate is included but I guess I managed to at some point not let it get to me as like a personal problem? I guess and not feel emotionally attached, and I hope that you too could not have it plague you so much, I wish you the best haha and hope that at some point you would be able to continue to enjoy larry even during absurd times.

Sorry if this is like a rant you dont have to post this I guess I just felt bad seeing your post and would throw in some tiny speck of hope haha but yeah its funny cause I dont think ive ever really doubted the idea that I know they were together - obviously we dont know whether its the same now but since I havent really been proven otherwise whos to say im wrong if I were to believe they managed to have a beautiful long term relationship up until now lol but yeah thats all I got for now since I dont want to make it any longer but yeah im sorry you feel that way and I hope you manage to feel even the slightest bit better about this whole ridiculous circus we all managed to be drafted into hahaha

hey, thanks for your message 💕

i’ve definitely learned to detach myself from a lot of things over the years but idk lately it feels like something has changed and i don’t fully understand it? and i’m ok with acknowledging that there are things i’ll never know and that it’s not my life. i’ve always preached that on here. but some of the more recent stunt stuff/public image decisions really don’t make any sense to me in terms of pleasing fans or marketing to a wider audience or protecting their closets. like it all just seems completely nonsensical and unnecessary and it’s not fun to sit by and watch. i’m not gonna act like i’m being forced to be here, that’s totally on me. but idk i’m just sad that this is where we are now.

there is absolutely nothing in this world that could ever convince me that h&l aren’t gay or that they’ve never been together or that louis is a dad but i hate watching their images rapidly devolve for a reason i can’t begin to fathom. i’ve always been able to be dramatic for a minute and then laugh and move on but the feeling of dread has been more and more frequent and i feel like i’m doing myself a disservice by continuing to act like stuff isn’t affecting me. i don’t really know what to do right now, because i’m not happy but i love h&l so much and they’ve been a huge part of my life for so many years and i don’t know how to let that go. i feel like the doc is going to be a decider for me, but then again i have a louis concert in june lmao so who knows man.

anyway that was massively dramatic fkfjfk but thank you for the metaphorical pat on the back and for giving me a reason to vent some more lol

#ask

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kithtaehyung · 1 year

Note

I'm speechless but in a good way! I knew this piece was going to tear my heart into pieces and it did. . and it did! I thought "it's going to be more heartbreaking than forfeit isn't it. ." oh future wine you couldn't be even more correct. Such an outstanding story..

First off: Jungkook scene

I was legit holding my breath throughout the scene, I knew Jungkook was going to do something that makes me put my phone down and exit the room ( and he did! )

Protective brother and boyfriend? hell yes. I was cheering for bro to beat his ass and yn told him to stop and I was like "you're right.. he holds a strong punch.."

Wow wow so many emotions in this scene alone, yns dialogue truly had me moved and pierced my heart many times. Their feelings matter so so much and I completely understand them.

I won't lie my brain stopped working when yn said they still love Jungkook and when they said "not in a way you want me to" I let out the longest breath ever.. don't scare me Ryen! /lh

God.. someone get me a friend like Dom, please? most realistic girlfriend you need! The way she has both yn and Yoongi's back? Hard to find a friend like her!

Second: The beauty between YN and Yoongi

Wow wow Wow. It felt like a punch in the stomach when Yoongi told them they had to wait for a while, I was literally scared for them both and wondered how long it was going to be ( and I got my answer later on :') )

It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms.

And now you’ll be farther apart than stars.

Beautiful lines, truly, almost let a few tears fall just from those lines alone!

This is a little personal, and I've wrote about this many times, but I just love the way you write yn. I was never able to relate to other yns in other writings but this one? This one, this is the one for me. How could I cry so much from their dialogue or story alone? I always asked myself that I realize it's because they're the exact replica of me. An overthinking mess, low self-esteem but confident when they needed to be, considerate of others, apologetic, always too scared to reach out or voice their thoughts, you name it. When they describe people as seasons, I understood them completely, people come and go, or they stay.

And you suddenly know Yoongi is summer.

Endless.

RYEN. did you know what you did to me with 2 lines? ALONE? I literally burst out crying and had to pause for a second because I kept smiling like a maniac! Oh I missed these two so much :')

Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi-

Uhm. Uhm hand in marriage? For both, please! You and every reader is invited to me, Yoongis, and yn's wedding I hope you all show up! The smut scene had me in shambles and when yn told Yoongi to do all of those things? Yeah Yoongi I get it, I do.

THE DESK?? THE DESK?? GUYS THE DES-

Happy God Damn Pride Month To Me.

And back to fluffiness and a sprinkle of sadness: THE RELEASE PARTY! THE CHAMPIONSHIP YES!! GOD ( Ryen ) MAKE THESE TWO HAPPY ( oh wine don't forget the ending .. )

THEY GAGGED ME SO BAD OH MAN I MISS THEM

Last but not least: yn and bro

Their sibling dynamic is just, chefs kiss! Them reminiscing on their past and the part about bro dressing up to look more mature to get food? Adorable but also heartbreaking :(

Screw the goddamn parents!

“Cus I feel… Uhh.” He moves his lips around in thought, as if the next sentence takes strategy to arrange. “I feel like we don’t really talk anymore.”

“…Oh."

clenching my fists I totally get how depressing it is when siblings lose that type of connection or become more distant, especially since they were so close and had each other's back!

THE ENDING THE ENDING OH GOD THE ENDING IM SCARED

-🍷

WINEEE omfg this commentary is absolutely stunning! thank you so much for reading and taking the time to write all of this out, i am speechless? but i can't be speechless for long bc we got things to sAY

forfeit broke me emotionally, and so did this one. just in a different way bc things between them have been fleshed out in forfeit<33

I was legit holding my breath throughout the scene, I knew Jungkook was going to do something that makes me put my phone down and exit the room ( and he did! ) Protective brother and boyfriend? hell yes. I was cheering for bro to beat his ass and yn told him to stop and I was like "you're right.. he holds a strong punch.." Wow wow so many emotions in this scene alone, yns dialogue truly had me moved and pierced my heart many times. Their feelings matter so so much and I completely understand them. I won't lie my brain stopped working when yn said they still love Jungkook and when they said "not in a way you want me to" I let out the longest breath ever.. don't scare me Ryen! /lh God.. someone get me a friend like Dom, please? most realistic girlfriend you need! The way she has both yn and Yoongi's back? Hard to find a friend like her!

AHHH the whole beginning took me foreverrrr to finish bc there was a shit ton to juggle and account for! i always need to get into these characters' heads during a scene, while also watching it from a reader perspective. so imagine trying to get through a scene with four people - two of which don't realize they're all part of the same situation dklfjdsjklf it was difficult but we pulled through!

glad the dialogue was good! that's the part that was finished first (which is pretty normal for me) and didn't change much. and DOM BEST DOM BEST!!!!

Second: The beauty between YN and Yoongi Wow wow Wow. It felt like a punch in the stomach when Yoongi told them they had to wait for a while, I was literally scared for them both and wondered how long it was going to be ( and I got my answer later on :') )

it was a HUGE punch to the gut, you're so right :(( especially since we just got through a big talk and don't get time to process!

It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms. And now you’ll be farther apart than stars. Beautiful lines, truly, almost let a few tears fall just from those lines alone!

these are one of the parts that i was crying through so *thumbs up underwater* This is a little personal, and I've wrote about this many times, but I just love the way you write yn. I was never able to relate to other yns in other writings but this one? This one, this is the one for me. How could I cry so much from their dialogue or story alone? I always asked myself that I realize it's because they're the exact replica of me. An overthinking mess, low self-esteem but confident when they needed to be, considerate of others, apologetic, always too scared to reach out or voice their thoughts, you name it. When they describe people as seasons, I understood them completely, people come and go, or they stay.

oh, babe :( this makes me feel touched but also i wanna give you a huge hug. i have always been set on making this series as relatable as possible, and that literally starts with reader. are some people gonna be the exact opposite in every way? of course! not all of us fit the same mold. but from what i've experienced and seen, there's a lot of reader in a lot of us. and i wanna also tell everyone that resonates with reader that you are strong, you can be just as confident. you can be this fucking cool while still overthink like hell and not be sure of a lot of things. believe in yourself and know when you need to start complimenting yourself instead of bringing that inner child down.

And you suddenly know Yoongi is summer. Endless. RYEN. did you know what you did to me with 2 lines? ALONE? I literally burst out crying and had to pause for a second because I kept smiling like a maniac! Oh I missed these two so much :')

I FUCKING CRIED AS SOON AS THESE LINES CAME OUT AND I WAS IN PUBLIC LMAOOOO no joke i was sitting in a damn tea shop. and had to like. tilt my head up and sit back in order to not completely bust out crying. :')))

My favorite thing about yn and Yoongi? They're each other's safe space. The way you instantly see their moods being brighter when they're together and see how they've seen each other at their most vulnerable moments. I'm just- AH. Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi-

GAHHH this is one of my favorite things to portray bc as soon as they got to reunite?? they both laugh. it's the very first thing that happens and honestly i love that so fcking much😭 and him playing the guitar earlier was just too much for me to handle UGHHH

HAPPY GD PRIDE MONTH LMAOOOO the way everyone needs to get in line for reader!!!! move out of the damn way, min!!

And back to fluffiness and a sprinkle of sadness: THE RELEASE PARTY! THE CHAMPIONSHIP YES!! GOD ( Ryen ) MAKE THESE TWO HAPPY ( oh wine don't forget the ending .. ) THEY GAGGED ME SO BAD OH MAN I MISS THEM

so much more to goooooo eheheheh hope you're ready!! i missed them. very very very much. it was so comforting to work on this fr again.

Last but not least: yn and bro Their sibling dynamic is just, chefs kiss! Them reminiscing on their past and the part about bro dressing up to look more mature to get food? Adorable but also heartbreaking :( Screw the goddamn parents!

YES. i love them both and wanna protect them from literally everything ever?? bro really did The Most and i want him to know he's loved!! screw the gd parents!! but that convo was much needed and i'm glad they have each other.

“Cus I feel… Uhh.” He moves his lips around in thought, as if the next sentence takes strategy to arrange. “I feel like we don’t really talk anymore.” “…Oh." clenching my fists I totally get how depressing it is when siblings lose that type of connection or become more distant, especially since they were so close and had each other's back!

i believe in them! and honestly i think bro is just thinking it's much worse than it is (overthinking? could be familiar? lmao) bc he's the one that travels and his protectiveness does cause other things like hiding info. so. he isn't without his flaws and does have his own hurdles to recognize and overcome!

THE ENDING THE ENDING OH GOD THE ENDING IM SCARED

MWAHAHHAHHAHA YOU SHOULD BE OK BYEEEEE

but seriously, thank you for reading, wine! it's always so fun to respond to asks like these :D gave me a bunch to talk about!

#whew y'all have me writing essays i love it #🍷 anon #missed this so much!#asks:3tan #3tan10 #lovely people #*ryenfictalk #mailbox💌#long post

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honeyblve · 1 year

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i had a huge milestone happen yesterday in my health journey and i wanted to vent and document it for myself, kind of like a journal entry, because this is the end of a chapter and beginning of another for me. its kind of a selfish post that nobody else will probably care about but i think it will be nice to have to look back on. im not sure if adding trigger warnings to this post is needed but im going to add them just incase anyone takes the time to read this if you do read this i appreciate it sm.

tw: injury, mistreatment from doctors, mental health issues, su*cide

for the past year ive been dealing with a serious back injury that has wreaked havoc on my life. i had to quit my job and was basically bed ridden for months. its effected my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing in such a horrible and traumatic way. i've seen numerous doctors and tried multiple types of possible solutions with no resolve in my pain, been rejected by a doctor for surgery due to my body type (dont even get me started on that bs. it was fully a him problem and not a me problem), and essentially lost all quality of life. at one point i was so exhausted and overstimulated from all the pain that i didnt see any point in living if the rest of my life was going to be consumed with an unimaginable and unbearable amount of pain. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep, feeling very isolated and alone, taking insane amounts of medicine for a small amount of relief, unable to rest due to pain, and missed out on some very important moments in my life and others around me lives as well. i graduated college earlier this year after 5 years of working full time, going to college full time, and dealing with health issues on top of it and was unable to walk across the stage and celebrate my hard work all because of this injury. i bottled up a lot of the stress and sadness i was experiencing because i didnt want to add another thing on to the list of problems to figure out for myself or my family. which in turn caused me to start having major issues with anxiety and depression. a year in my life that was meant for growth, transition, and finding my footing as a proper adult was completely overtaken. to say it was a hard year is such an understatement but truly the only way i can really put it.

yesterday, i saw a new specialist and was finally approved for surgery after being turned down by another specialist back in september ‘22. a surgery that takes 45 minutes and will almost instantly relieve any pain im experiencing. a surgery that i was told would usually be suggested 6 weeks into experiencing symptoms a year and two months after i started experiencing symptoms. for the first time i was shown my mri results that i had done 9 months ago and explained just how severe the injury in my back is. my jaw was on the floor at how horrible it was. i could finally understand what was happening inside my body. it helped my brain justify everything that ive been experiencing and proved to myself that i wasnt crazy. when i was asked if i wanted to move forward with the surgery it was the first time that i felt like i wasnt just being observed and passed along for someone else to make the decision for me. i finally felt like i was given the opportunity to speak for myself and make a decision for my own body. i wasnt seen based only on my outer appearance or a number on a scale. i was seen as a human being who is experiencing pain 24/7 for over 400 days and needed help. finally my advocacy for myself worked and a doctor is on my side. when he left the room i immediately started sobbing and felt like i could breathe for the first time in what felt like forever.

looking back i think in many ways this year was meant for internal growth. there were a lot of things i had to learn about myself and begin to change. either through therapy or by opening up to family and friends. so even though it was not necessarily growth in the literal world, i grew up a lot within myself. for some reason in all of my circumstances i always feel the need to learn something. maybe its just blind optimism. whatever it is though it helps me put one foot in front of the other. what i learned through all of this is valuing myself and knowing my self worth. i learned how to advocate for myself and not take no for an answer. i learned how strong i am in multiple areas of my life. but i also learned how to accept help and know that i cant do everything by myself. and that doesnt mean that i'm weak.

if anyone reads this i hope that you know its so important to learn to advocate for your wellbeing and dont allow anyone to mistreat you, use you, or demand that you meet their expectations before being treated as a human being. its okay to take a step back and take care of yourself. and when it comes to doctors and medicine, trust. your. body. it knows when something is wrong. doctors are just people and sometimes dont know wtf theyre talking about. they are not all-knowing deities. they dont live in your body. not agreeing with them is not against the law. it is okay to seek out care from someone else. and if you feel stuck with someone who is not listening to you or who doesnt see you as a human being, there are doctors out there that truly love what they do and want to help you. they dont see you as a statistic or a box to check off on a long list of things to do for the day. they truly want to see you thrive and be healthy. sometimes it just takes a little work to find them.

anyways this was much longer than i expected it to be. if you read this far down i am so grateful that you took some time to read this post. it means a lot. and if future me reads this, i hope i've continued to learn how to value myself in all circumstances and not take any of lifes bs.

#gracie’s ramblings #lifes a bitch #personal post #mental health #health #life update

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