#im reading so many medical journals

[dfortrafalgar]

I'm Losing You... (But We're Filling the Cracks)

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem. But sometimes, you just need a little bit of love... and a little bit of science.

Warnings: read chapter 1 for warnings

(also it's far too late in the game for me to be asking this but can someone help me figure out why everyone's blogs outside of the first five people in the tag list dont show up. ive been on tumblr since like 2014 and still cannot figure this stuff out im sobbing)

Taglist: @phsycochan | @mirillua | @augustanna | @chaixsherlock | @whore-of-many-hot-men | @nerdisthenewcool | @lilypadmomentum | @1dkneo | @kitsunechan707

Chapter 28

[Prev] [Next]

Your maternity leave had started early, not helped by how active one of your babies was at the crack of dawn.  Every morning when you woke up to the sound of your alarm and rolled over to hoist yourself out of bed, you felt a kick against your abdomen.  When you stood up, you felt that familiar fluttering sensation.  One morning, you slept in only a few minutes longer than you normally did, and were punished with a small shove against your bladder that had you involuntarily unloading your urine into your pajama bottoms.

That one made you cry, Law keeping his chuckles to himself as he helped you clean up in the bathroom.

“Stop berating them through my stomach,” you sobbed.  “I just pissed my pants.”

Your husband had answered you with a soft kiss to your swollen skin as he bent down to pick up your soiled clothing and bring them to your washing machine.  “It happens, darling.  It wasn’t your fault.”

Needless to say, it had been an emotional third trimester thus far.

On a Friday evening, you were sitting reclined against the arm of your couch, a book resting on your belly as you munched on some apple slices when Law came bursting through the door.  He was frantic to kick off his shoes and shrug off his lab coat, hanging it on the hooks in the entryway before scrambling into the living room and plopping himself down next to you.  He was holding a notebook in his hand.

“Hello to you, too,” you stated sarcastically, placing a paper bookmark in your novel to mark your spot and adjusting yourself on the couch to sit with your legs crossed under you.

“I was busy on my break today,” Law stated matter-of-factly, flipping through the wrinkled notebook with a fervor.  When he found the page he was looking for, he folded the journal in half and held out the exposed page to face you.

A bunch of squares and barely legible writing covered the lined paper.  You squinted.  “I have no idea what I’m looking at, babe.”

Law rarely had moments where he got so excited that he couldn’t speak, but this was clearly one of those moments.  He would forget that other people didn’t have over 20 years of medical training going back to the age of five.  “Sorry, sorry.”  He turned the notebook back toward him, using his finger to point out what he had scribbled down.  “These are genetic predictions.  It’s estimated that about 50% of fraternal twins will be opposite genders, so a boy and a girl.  Which means about 25% will be both boys, and about 25% will be both girls.”  He moved his finger from one scribble to another.  “I have black hair, which I’m assuming to be the dominant gene among the two of us.  However, I’m also a carrier for brown hair, because my mother and sister both were brunettes.  Accounting for your hair color, I’m estimating that it’s a 75% chance that both of our babies will have black hair.  At least one of our babies will have my eye color, but I believe your eyes are the dominant trait.  I remember you saying at one point that someone in your family had curly hair, right?  I’m estimating a 25% chance that at least one of our kids will have curly hair.  If both of our babies are boys, the chances are 75% that they’ll be colorblind, and 25% that only one of them will be colorblind.  If both are girls, it’s a 75% chance that both of them will be carriers for the colorblind gene, 25% that only one of them will be.  But again, this is all approximations.  So then I started thinking about more technical stuff.  I have B+ blood, but I couldn’t remember what your blood type was, so we have to go off of the Rh factor, which is dominant with positive Rh, which means that at least one of our babies will have Rh positive blood, likely both.  Male pattern baldness is also a dominant trait in most families, but I’m 26 and still have a full head of hair, so hopefully if we have a boy, he won’t have to worry about hair loss.  Funnily enough, I learned today that having six fingers on one or both hands can actually be a dominant allele in some genetic lines, but neither of our family members have had any form of polydactyly that I can recall.  Just an interesting thought.  Anyway–”

Your shoulders were shaking with your laughter.  “Law, slow down!  Breathe!”  Your hands reached forward to grab his shoulders to settle his excited rambling, his face slowly losing color as he was speaking more than he was absorbing oxygen.

You watched as your husband took a long gulp of hair in before blowing it out slowly.  “Sorry.  I got excited.”

“Don’t apologize, you’re adorable,” you replied, stroking your hand along his cheek.  “How long did it take you to write all that down?”

Law glanced one more time at his notebook before closing it and discarding it on the coffee table.  “About 15 minutes.”

You snorted.  “I hope intelligence is a dominant trait so that both of our kids will be as smart as you.”

“You’re smart too,” he argued back, his voice light and content.

“Not ‘scribble down multiple punnett squares in 15 minutes’ smart,” you countered.  “Have you eaten anything yet?”

He shook his head, stretching his arms behind his back.  “Nope, I came straight home.  I was too excited to show you that.”

You grinned, struggling to lean forward to kiss the tip of his nose.  He assisted you by leaning forward on his own legs, pressing his forehead to yours.

“How have you been feeling?” he asked suddenly, diverting the topic.  One of his hands came to rest on the crest of your belly, petting the taught skin through your shirt.

“Tired,” you replied.  “It’s hard to stand up.  Robin said both babies are probably around 2 or 3 pounds by now, but honestly it feels like I’m carrying lead weights when I stand.  I feel like a turtle.”

“Any more movement?” he asked, scooting over the cushions to be closer to you, wrapping one of his arms around your shoulders to pull you into him.  You gladly followed his gesture, dropping your head into his neck.

“One of them moves in the morning still, the other likes to kick when I go to bed.  The only reason I’ve been able to tell is because I feel them on different sides,” you groaned.  “I don’t know what it looks like with them folded up in there, but they haven’t made it easy on me.”

Law hummed in response, his free hand stroking your belly.  The feeling of his palm against your bump felt more soothing than the finest lotion.  “I’m just glad that they’re both okay… not like I’m thrilled that you’re in pain, obviously, but…”

“No, trust me, I am too,” you sighed, closing your eyes.  “I’ve made it this long now, and both of them are still alive.  And pretty soon…”

Your husband knew exactly what you were going to say when your voice trailed off.  It was a subject the two of you had been tip-toeing around for quite some time.

The birth.

“That’s the one thing that’s still scaring me,” you admitted.  “I’m already high risk, and anything could go wrong.  I might have to be ripped open while awake to get them out.  I might die, even.”

Law felt his chest clench.  “Don’t say that, you won’t die.”

“But we don’t know that,” you sighed, your voice growing more nervous by the second.

“No, you won’t die,” he replied firmly.

You felt mildly guilty for broaching the subject.  You knew how difficult it was for him to even think about the slim chance of losing his family again, not when he had come so far and achieved so much with you.  You leaned your head upward to kiss the soft skin of his neck, his sideburns tickling your forehead.  You felt his arm around your shoulder pull you even closer to him, his breaths shallow.

“I’m sorry…” you muttered.

“Don’t be,” he responded quickly.  “I mean it.  You have nothing to be sorry for.”

His hand dropped from your belly to grasp your own, tilting his head down to meet your own as his lips gently pressed against yours.  Your eyes slipped closed, leaning into his tender kiss and wrapping your free arm around his torso.  The size of your belly made it hard to be flush against him, but you made do.  After all, you would have to get used to cuddling with two babies soon enough.

You pulled away from his lips.  “Hey, so how’s the studying been?  For that surgery?”

Law groaned, not at you, but at the mere thought of the looming procedure that had been bearing on his mind for the past eight weeks.  “I feel like I’m back in med school, that’s for sure.  I feel ready for it, but at the same time I can never be too prepared.  It’s going to be… a lot.”

Dual heart-lung transplants were very, very rare, and used for the most severe of cases.  The procedure had never been performed at Law’s hospital before.  Single heart transplants had been done, and a few lung transplants, but never at the same time.  Law’s cardiac ward was specifically chosen for the operation because of the young doctor’s expertise in the field.  The patient’s life was quite literally in Law’s hands.

A small smirk flashed on his face.  “I started wearing gloves in that patient’s room with his family.  I don’t want them to see the tattoos on my fingers.”

“Do you not wear gloves for any other patients?” you asked with a small giggle.  

“No, I do, when performing treatments.  When I’m on rounds, I just stick my hands in my pockets,” he explained.  He had one dimple on his cheek that showed up when he smiled.  You couldn’t help but peck a quick kiss to it.  His stomach suddenly grumbled, startling the two of you.

“You stay right here, I’ll make us some dinner,” he said, making a move to stand up.

“Pancakes,” you demanded with your own mischievous smirk.

“We had pancakes a week ago,” he replied with a smile.

“And?”

Law leaned down for one last kiss on the crown of your head.  “Alright.  Pancakes it is.”

—

Your pregnancy journal had gone from an anxious possession that you worried would jynx your good luck to a vice that you crawled back to whenever you were bored.  The pages were filled with the ink from your pen as you used the prompts to delve into some of the thoughts you kept to yourself, your feelings about your body, your babies, your relationships, the hopes and dreams and the worries and troubles you tried not to stress about.  You kept track of the gifts you had received, the words of advice from your doctor, and the unprovoked comments from elderly ladies at the supermarket who liked to comment about how cute of a couple you were when you shopped for food with your husband.

The grouchy, black-haired surgeon with bags under his eyes and a resting bitch face, and you, his slightly shorter, glowing wife with a very large pregnant belly and a polite, shining smile on her face.  You were truly a match made in heaven, one might say.

Law had been busier and busier in the weeks getting closer to your due date.  As the weather got colder, the holidays came and went, and the new year began, he was diving more and more into his studies preparing for what was easily the largest, most intense, and most serious surgery of his professional career.  Some might assume that you would get tired of the neglect, growing frustrated that he wasn’t around to spend time with you in your third trimester, but in reality, you couldn’t be more proud.

The sight of him hunched over your kitchen table surrounded by old textbooks and papers was an image straight out of your college days, where you’d let yourself into his single dorm room close to midnight and find him on his floor in the dim lighting surrounded on all sides by professional journals, research papers, and textbooks from every esteemed surgeon in his field.  You’d sit down next to him and diligently push french fries against his lips as his eyes stayed glued to his studies, rewarding you during his sparse downtime with awkward kisses that tasted like salt and firm yet shaky hands that were obsessed with traveling up and down your body.  

The only difference now was that Law was that professional in his field, that he was in an apartment, and that you both had rings on your fingers.  The french fries stayed the same, but he at least had a piece of mind to feed himself while you watched from the couch and giggled.  Every once in a while, he would lean back against his seat and pop his spine with a satisfied groan, toss you a fond look across the room, and go back to reading.  Sometimes, you would stand behind him and rub his stiff shoulders, encouraging him to stand up and stretch his legs just as he would do to you to ensure you remained strong during the final weeks of your pregnancy.

The only thing weighing on your mind was the panging worry that he would be in the middle of this massive procedure when you went into labor.  You were both informed by your doctor that most twins would be delivered either naturally or induced at around 36 weeks, almost a month before single babies were usually born, and with your due date at 38 weeks being in the middle of May, you had a nagging feeling in your head that he would miss it.

You both tried to hold onto hope that your babies would be delivered any other day that month.  He would be gone for only a day, a full 24 hours, in total the day of the surgery.  What were the odds that your babies would be born on that specific day?  Slim, to say the least.

At around 32 weeks, it was getting hard for you to stand up.  Your movements were slow and labored, and you were spending most of your days in your apartment either on your couch or in your bed, standing up when instructed by Law, or Shachi and Penguin when he was at work, to walk laps around your home.  The fear of blood clots forming in your legs and traveling to your lungs, as described by your lovely husband in far too much detail, was enough to make you more determined to keep the blood pumping in your body.

“Alright, ready?” Law stated, standing behind you in the kitchen as you slowly made your way through a pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

“Ready,” you stated back, your eyes focused on washing the silverware in your hands.

His inked hands traveled around your torso and under your belly, lifting up against the bottom of your bump.  The sudden relief of having the weight lifted off of your back made an almost erotic moan leave your lips, your grip on the silverware releasing slightly as the tension in your entire body flooded from your veins like a broken dam.

“Feel good?” he asked from behind you with a smirk, his chin resting on the crown of your head.

“Oh my god,” you groaned.  “I saw a lot of posts that said that it feels good, but I didn’t think it would feel this good.  I wish you could do that constantly.”

Sparse kisses were placed to the back of your head as his hands slowly released their pressure against the bottom of your bump, leaving your back aching once more as your body was forced to bear the brunt of the weight in your abdomen.  You stifled a whimper as you were forced to hold what felt like 50 extra pounds on your own again, but Law’s lingering presence behind you with his hands resting idly on your belly soothed your aches subconsciously.

“Busy spring, huh?” he asked, filling the room where the only other sound was the sloshing from your dish washing.

You hummed in response, rinsing your hands and turning off the tap, drying your hands on a towel that lay on the counter beside you.  “You could say that.”  You turned around to lean against the counter, Law’s hands remaining on your body as you rotated.  He leaned forward to capture your lips in his, you rewarding him with a smile.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be more physical with you…” you sighed.

Law pulled away.  “Why are you sorry for that?”

You shrugged.  “You seem like you’ve been a lot more handsy with me lately, and I can’t reciprocate.  And I’m probably not going to be able to reciprocate for a while after I give birth.”

Your husband chuckled, planting chaste kisses across your cheeks.  “I’m not ‘being handsy with you’ because I want anything.  I’m ‘being handsy’ because I want you to be happy and comfortable.  I’m not expecting anything in return.  And by the way,” he pulled away to stare into your worried eyes.  “I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking about your post-birth body being somehow inferior to how you were before pregnancy, I know it.”

You averted your gaze, your lips pinching together.

“And I know you don’t like the stretch marks on your belly,” he added.

“Where are you going with this?” you asked, your voice quiet.

“Because I’m going to remind you every day how beautiful you are.  Always.  Even the changes that come with having a child.  You’re always going to be beautiful to me.  I’ll never be repulsed by your stretch marks or wrinkled skin or cellulite like you think I’m going to be.  The person standing in front of me is a beautiful woman who has given me a life worth living, and I’m going to cherish her and support her through everything.”

Your eyes darted toward his neck, where his glass necklace still sat between his collarbones.  He religiously wore it every single day, only taking it off to shower, sleep, and perform surgeries.  Likewise, you never removed your glass ring.  Hot tears began to form in your eyes, but your lips curled into a smile.  Your expression fought for dominance over being happy or sad, and what resulted was a shaky grin, furrowed eyebrows, and watery eyes.

“What did I do to deserve you?” you asked, letting a few lose tears escape the corners of your eyes.

Your husband kissed the damp streaks that your tears left behind on your cheeks.  “You fed me french fries on the floor of my dorm room in college.  I think that’s when I knew you were going to be my wife one day.”

A bubbly laugh left your throat as your hands gripped his shoulders for stability.  “I think I knew when you found me out behind my dorm building that night.”

Law leaned in to kiss you one more time, but a sudden gasp left your lips as your entire body tensed up.  A stinging cramping sensation rippled across your abdomen, lingering in your muscles.  It lasted about 30 seconds, where your shaking hands clenched the cotton of Law’s shirt, his eyes wide and frenzied as his hands supported your upright posture, before the pain finally dissipated into a mild buzz, then nothing at all.

You stared into Law’s eyes.  “Can you help me sit down?”

[sniffanimal]

I think one thing to remember about (some presentations of) ADHD is that it isn't always a literal internal dialogue of "That task is overwhelming/too hard/too many steps/unrewarding so I won't do it". For me, it's more like the idea of doing that task slides off my brain like butter in a hot pan. I will look at an overwhelming task and before I even finish the thought of "I should do that" my brain shakes like an etch a sketch and I've already forgotten it.

This particularly pissed my mom off when I was a kid because it's hard for me to see a sink full of dishes and associate that with "I need to do dishes", or she'd tell me to vacuum but because I wasn't immediately looking at a vacuum, I'd forget to do it. ADHD was weirdly very quiet for me, because I just wouldn't see things that overwhelmed me!

I'm now an adult who has lived on my own (/with another ADHD roommate) for 8 years now, been through therapy, and am medicated, so under the readmore I'll put some ways I combat this clear-cache process my brain does.

(obligatory im not a therapist or a doctor or anything so make sure you're consulting with those folks before doing anything major with your life. I have ADHD and have been treated for it, as well as I teach kids how to manage their neurodiversity as a job)

"I just can't remember to do something that I need to do regularly." This sucks to hear, but the answer really is routines. Routines are essential for helping manage sanity and overwhelm and keeping your house in order. And I know, firsthand, that ADHDers struggle with forming routines, but here's my major tips: scaffold. Scaffolding, or chaining, or stacking or any other name refers to picking something you already do at a set time (it's easiest if it's something you HAVE to do, like go to work or wake up in the morning, etc), and pairing your new routine task with that. And also its important to only try adding one thing to a routine at a time. Don't try to start showering, brushing your teeth, packing tomorrow's lunch, setting out clothes for the morning, reading, journalling, and doing yoga before bed all at once. Start with just brushing your teeth before you go to bed every day for like 2 weeks. Once you're solid on doing that, start adding in something else! People kinda hate on the book bc it's full of platitudes but I really liked a lot of the stuff in Atomic Habits by James Clear for setting new habits.

"I can't remember to do something that I don't need to do regularly. It's hard because I can't work it into a routine." It is not a shameful thing to need to make different visual or physical reminder for when you need to do things. Two things I particularly struggle with is turning the A/C off when I leave a room, or turning the oven off when I'm done using it. For the former, I have a small card I laminated that says 'turn off heat' that I velcro to the thermostat. When I turn the A/C on, I take the card and put it in my pocket or on my shirt or hair or somewhere where I will have it with me so that I can see the card later and remember to turn it off. For the latter, I have a necklace that I put a little tag on it that says 'OVEN' on it. When I turn the oven on, I put the necklace on, and it stays on until I turn the oven off and can take the necklace off. Try creating environmental things that work for you! I've seen people put their meds next to the canned cat food because their cats would remind them to feed them, and they would see their meds then and remember to take them!

"My working memory is really poor, I forget what I was doing in the middle of doing it." This is a kind of hard one to work on without just actively doing things in your life, but something I find that kinda helps me is doing puzzles! I'm not a big jigsaw puzzle person, but I love sudoku, pictogram, and crosswords (and some of the other things like wordle etc.) Logic puzzles are another good way to work on needing to hold something in your working memory. Puzzle video games like Portal are also good for exercising your working memory. Working memory is a bit like a muscle, and needs to be stretched to hone as a skill. When you're in the middle of one task, and another one comes up, having a pen and paper ALWAYS handy makes it easy to jot down a reminder about something you need to do later. This is often called a 'parking lot', and works well for me!

Closing notes: 2 other books to check out are How to ADHD by jessica mccabe, and The Anti-planner by Dani Donovan. The former is extremely good for an overview of what living with ADHD and working with your brain is like, and the latter is actionable activities to help with breaking tasks into more manageable formats.

[bughideout]

Academic weapon day 2 ꩜⋆.°⭑

Didn't get to do much today because my joints absolutely hated me today and decided to make my life a living hell, but oh well

sleep:

I slept a good 9 hours! This time as I am writing it is not midnight, it is 21:40. So I am going to try to read to get to bed earlier. not much else to say, I woke up a couple of times during the night but fell asleep very quickly.

routine:

I did my morning stretches when I woke up and had coffee, caffe au laut i think its called its this nescafe coffee pod that I like. it's not bitter but still has a lot of caffiene which I need in the morning. I ate bread with butter, cheese and ham again.

body:

Taken my medication, wore my joint supports through the majority of the day to relieve some pain and to keep the pain from getting worse. Though what sucks about that is that its summer, its warm, wearing my joint supports makes me warmer which makes me sweat. And im unfortunate enough to have a water allergy so ive been itchy all day. Did my stretches, havent gotten to move as much as i would like.

reading:

I started a new book today since i finished the plague yesterday. I started on "the unbearable lightness of being" and so far I think it's okay, im only 15 pages in so no strong feelings. I haven't gotten to read as much as I would like today but I am going to read after ive finished writing this thing.

reflection:

Not many reflections today, i spent two whole journal pages writing about the brothers karamazov, but thats as far as that went.

[rollercoasterwords]

wsg rae

so like basically im a trans guy pre-t and im trying to explain to my girlfriend what a tcock is, and i cant find any like. actual informational diagrams there's only porn, which is notoriously bad at teaching people about anatomy. do tou have/can you find any anatomy-ish pictures to help me explain it to her?

M asking bc u study gender pls help me

i am definitely not an hrt expert & did not have anything immediately on hand but did a bit of poking around and in my 30 min search this article from folx was the best like. medical overview i could find. there r some diagrams etc but no actual photos so! might be helpful if ur just trying 2 generally explain 2 ur gf. transreads.org is also a database of great free resources, though i haven’t spent as much time searching through their medical articles, but might be a good place 2 start searching. also found this book which is like a guide to physical transition written by a transmasculine person which looks like it may be informative & came up in keyword searches for “bottom growth” (obv i have not read it myself tho & cannot personally vouch 4 how helpful it might be etc).

in terms of searching urself if ur looking 4 medical/anatomical diagrams my biggest pieces of advice would be to choose a more academic database 2 search in (even just using google scholar instead of regular google) & pay attention to what terms/keywords ur searching. terms like bottom growth, tcock, etc r used more colloquially in trans spaces but a lot of medical journals won’t be using those terms unless they’re specifically talking abt like. the ways that trans people talk abt themselves lol bc most of these researchers r not trans. so those terms can be helpful, on the one hand, for trying to find resources created by trans people, but on the other hand may be more likely to pull up porn or just to not return many/any results if ur searching in an academic database. but also as i said i am not an expert in this subject nor am i particularly adept at finding medical diagrams so!! if anyone following this blog has any tips & trick & resources 2 share pls do…

[local-apollo-kid]

Shadow 3-07 Thoughts! :D

So I'm about to lore dump. Buckle in for the ride if you're gonna read this.

General Information

3-07's real name is Alex Griffith, born in Australia. Their family is of Welsh origin, but they are quite disconnected from the culture as it is far back in the family tree.

They are roughly 5'9" and have (very obviously dyed) red hair. They have hazel eyes and slightly tan skin but are still pretty pale.

LORE

Just little things I've had about them in my notes app

1.

They have had several crappy relationships. They would have given the world for those people but they never got treated right. Their were no affection in the relationships. Alex was just for the props of having a 'girlfriend'. They have trust issues because of this, afraid the next time them date someone, they'll leave them because they aren't 'cool' anymore.

2.

They really like building and inventing things. They made this cool type of harmless fire that they use to cauterise wounds when they work.

3.

They always like having heart to heart talks with the people they trust. Even then, it's hard to be honest, so they just work and work until it spills out eventually

4.

The place they had their first kiss was an airport after their first mission with Shadow Company. They got so excited to see their childhood best friend that they kissed them out of impulse. They dated for a little while but eneded it on good terms and are still friends.

5.

Alex smokes. They don't do it very often because of lung health and stuff, but if they need time away, they go to the roof of the base and have a cigarette. Sometimes, someone joins them. Once Graves even joined them.

6.

They adore thunderstorms. Whenever they hear the pitter patter of rain starting, they race up to the roof and get soaked before trudging back down and having a hot shower. It refreshing.

7.

Their callsign is Reaper. The Shadows nicknamed them this because they're a medic and are 'in close relations with the Grim Reaper'... and definitely not because they are absolutely feral when fighting.

8.

The Shadows have made (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Öyster Cult Alex's theme song.

9.

They know French. Not because they need to or anything. They just find it funny to break out randomly into angry French.

10.

They have a wall in their room just covered in about $200 worth of polaroids of the Shadows and them.

11.

During the time Shadow Comapny worked with Ghost & Soap, them and Soap hit it off and started babbling to each other about stupid things at, like, the speed of light cause... ADHD. They mainly talked about sketching and journaling.

12.

They weren't there when the massacre at Las Almas/Alone mission happened. They only know that something happened and they can't talk to Soap or Ghost anymore because they're enemies.

13.

They've broken so many bones omg. Leg, arm, collarbone, fingers. SO MANY

14.

IM ENÐING IT HERE BECAUSE GOD KNOWS ID GO ON A RANT FOR, LIKE, 1000 WORDS ABOUT ALEX.

Their parents weren't very... present. They took care of their 2 siblings from a young age and almost cry if anyone jokingly calls them a mama's boy when they talk about the (few) fond memories they have of their mother.

15.

They have been struck by lighting. I will not elaborate.

[popcornforone]

You’ve Not Lived, Until You Feel Alive

Chapter 2 of Is That All Mr Gutierrez series

Master List

Chapter 1

Thanks for the love for chapter 1 peoples, I know it was a little different to what I usually write but I need to character builds in this one. When we get to the smut it will be exactly what you all want.

Synopsis: Time has now passed & its 10 years since you had your first kiss with Javi. A lot has changed, & you’ve both grown, but your therapist is asking you to write a secure blog only they can see to get you to believe in yourself once again.

Word count:2500

Warnings: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18! THIS IS A VERY TRAUMATIC CHAPTER! I know this will not be for some of you, it gets dark, but I needed it too, I have to break the reader before they get to have fun. Death, murder, suicidal thoughts, violence, terrorists, cancer, shooting, blood, pain & suffering, angst, agony, anger, PTSD, mental health, nightmares. Pining, wanting, unrequited love not being returned, break ups, loss, sorrow. This chapter is done in a blog, journal format.

Again I am sorry if this is triggering or too much, but I needed to do this to character build. If you want to skip to chapter 3 that’s fine, it will be published soon.

Thanks for understanding peoples, it means a lot, & thanks for reading it’s always appreciated. Don’t worry the smut is on its way, I promise.

Secure therapy Blog post 18

I almost didn’t publish this. I really didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I had to say after the events but my therapist said I should just write when the day happened. Writings my therapy, it’s my creative outlet.

But today was the day the unimaginable thing happened….

My dad passed away & im not sure I can go on.

My dads been unwell for a while. We knew it was cancer & it disappeared about 4 years ago but then it came back, & it was incurable.

Nothing the doctors said… there’s nothing we can do… he’s got 6 months… go make memories with him… so that’s what my mum

& I have done.

My mum to have to go through another loss in her life. Another heartbreak, another good bye. I’m not ready to post about the other heart break yet, but I will do one day. It not mine that happened I don’t recall it.

But we have spent the last 18 months with my dad having the best time in the world. The Gutierrez wedding in Cuba for Javis older sister Luna was so much fun, my dads face as I danced with Javi after few too many drinks, thinking of what I could have had with Javi from my time as a teenager crushing on him. It was like time had frozen. My head buried into Javis neck, inhaling his scent for old time sake. The way his hand stroked my back, making me want more. Trying not to think that his fiancé was looking right at us. She knows I’m just his assistant & look after the legitimate side of the business. She has no idea the feelings I have hidden away from her soon to be husband. A pipe dream I had 10 years ago when I wrote my teenage diary.

But then we got home & dad took a downward turn. & he told me to be brave & go after my dreams & to always be true to myself.

When he was still with us after the 6 months the doctor originally told us, we took each day as a blessing. I don’t believe in god, but I know my dad does. Every night I asked my dads god for one more day with him. & obviously I asked for one too many.

Watching him pass was heartbreaking & but also soothing. He was no longer in pain. & what he did medically for the world to help & try & find a cure still astounds me. My dad went through awake brain surgery to see what happened when it was operated on & how it affects the body. He was so brave. If that procedure saves one life, my dads pain & death won’t have been for nothing.

The Gutierrez’ have told me to take as much time as I need. Javi has sent around a vase of black orchids, my favourite, he always says he sees my inner goth whenever he looks at them. He’s said the business can wait & that he can look after himself for a few days, but I am already missing that dimple & cheeky smile. Even now he has a calming influence on me. It’s just him, it’s just J. He will always be there for me. & yes it’s weird that one of my closest friends in the world is a drug lord & part of the mafia, but we run the legitimate side of the family empire. We run it well. & Javi knows a day will come when he has to run all of it. He’s not looking forward to that but he knows it’s his destiny. He & Sofia will raise an amazing family & have a fantastic life & I will watch by the side, maybe with a family of my own, watching them be happy & be glad I have a small part in their life.

My dad told me to be happy. & that’s what I’m going to do… be happy.

He wouldn’t want me to mope around & wait for life to happen.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

We will have the funeral, Javi Senior has said we can have the wake at their mansion, no need for us to have it in our hotel.

But then I think I need to take that gap year I’ve always promised I would do.

I want to see more of the world than just Spain & England. I want to experience life. I want to feel alive. That’s what my dad always said, you’ve not lived until you feel alive.

Dad I miss you.

I miss your smile.

Your kind eyes.

Your bad jokes.

& I miss that you will never walk me down the aisle or watch me grown into a woman. I know I am a woman but I have so many life experiences to come & you won’t be there to watch me grow & fail. Become proud of myself & who I become.

I love you dad…

I’m not sure I can do this without you…

Secure therapy Blog post 26

I’ve put this off

Everyone’s told me to type

Everyone asked me if I’m okay

I say I am

But I’m not

So here goes

4 months ago I nearly died…

even typing that feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulder

It was horrible

I should not be here

I can still feel the heat when I drop off to sleep

The dreams & nightmares are so vivid

Every day awake was already struggle & now my peaceful sleep is full of flashbacks of horrors or my worst nightmares

It’s pain like nothing else

I was in Rome, after seeing the opera, just on my own. I needed from space from mum, work & Javi. His break up was hurting him a lot & he’d been making rash impulsive decisions. It’s most unlike him. So I suggested I went away for a week, have some me time & so he can get over Sophia. The last thing we both needed was to be moody in each others presence.

So I flew to Rome, did all the sights & went shopping, hooked up with some guys & stayed in a nice hotel & went to the opera.

Then at 3am as I slept in bed I felt warm, it was September so the weather is to be expected. & then I heard the noise, & smelt the ash. A car had exploded outside our hotel & the front of the building had caught on fire. I grabbed my phone & keys & headed to the fire escape.

I could feel the heat surround me, my lungs desperately needing air, as this ash fog just coated my throat. I remember seeing some people pass out, lots of screaming & items on the floor that I did not register. I knew I had to make it out, I had to see everyone I cared for one last time

I know that in the last 18 months since my dad passed I’ve felt helpless & suicidal at times but I’ve always found strength & love from others, it’s got me though it. I needed to get out in one piece. I needed to be with everyone even if it is just to say goodbye.

But then I got to the lobby to make my way to the exit. This was not just a car crashing & exploding, this was a massacre. This was an attack on the hotel & its guests. Bodys burnt in front of my eyes, some people bleeding out, bullets & weapons across the floor. Death stood between me & my exit. How I had got to this part of the hotel still alive & not in pain was a miracle already. As I stepped across the lobby heading for the exit, I could just hear my dads voice like he was there going, you’re doing so well sweetheart, you’re almost safe, you can make it. A few more steps & the horrors will be over. You can almost smell the fresh night air, keep going.

Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe he was reaching out to me but I knew I had to make it across & get tho the exit. It took me a while but I stumbled eventually through the exit & gasped as the nights air filled my lungs.

But then the horror continued… but I have no recollection of it. All I remember is the high piecing screech & suddenly feeling warm as something hit me. Blood trickling & seeping through my sleep shorts. I had been shot. I know I blacked out but there was just one thing running through my mind before my face crashed into the hard cold concrete path. That i would was never get to apologise to Javi for telling him to man up after the break up, for not telling him that I knew Sofia was having an affair sooner, & for not telling him that he has been my true love from the moment I met him, aged 13.

27 of us survived the hotel siege. My mum said I had a face Picasso would have been proud to paint when I woke up. She was crying but her humour got me through it. She’s had so so much loss in her life. Losing me would have hurt the most, she’d have no one. We agreed one step at a time, keep things slow, but I keep having these nightmares from the day. I now know it was the police who shot me by accident thinking I was apart if the group storming the hotel & I am being compensated, I mean it is there job to protect everyone & not take any risks. But I was in my jammies how many terrorist siege a hotel in pjs?

Seeing Javi when I got back here on the island was perfect. All our anger & frustration with each other had gone. We hugged & cried & promised to never be mean or hide anything from each other again. & then he broke my heart just before I went to tell him how I really felt about him & that he helped get me through that night & how he was the last thing I thought of before I blacked out. He said I was his best friend & he knew we would always have each others back.

It still hurts much like the wound in my leg. It hurt deep. But if Javi just wants us to be just friends I can cope with that. I just want Javi to be happy that’s all. I want to watch him grow & flourish & live his best life. I want the world for Javi & if that means I’m just a friend, I hope I can deal with it.

I’m so glad I have a secure server to type on.

This has really helped me today, & so has looking back at all my old posts. Therapy has really made me not feel guilty, that I’m here & those people aren’t. Survivors guilt is real & it’s painful. I do still wish at times that I didn’t make it out but my dad was the voice in my head telling me to keep going & that I am strong. My mum will always have my back. & I know I can trust Javi to support me in everything as a friend, even if that’s all it is. But I do wish it was something more…

Secure therapy Blog post 32

It’s been a while… it really has

My therapist told me to write

She told be to be honest

She told me she would read this

She told me to say it

I am worth something

I am not defined by my recent trauma

& I am valid in my pain

Last week was not only the 2 year anniversary of my dads death but also the day I received my compensation for being shot & the findings report from the massacre were released on the same day, it hit me like a train & i seriously considered with all the emotions & conflict inside me, if my life actually mattered

My mums back in London, to complete the renovation of the new dinning room & kitchen of our hotel there, my best friend is on her honeymoon, & no offence to you my therapist, but I knew what you were going to say. I wanted something else or someone else to validate me.

I’ve been staying at Javis on Saturdays recently, he says that’s when he misses company the most & he usually has meetings or church on Sunday mornings. So I was just standing in the kitchen cooking us dinner, when everything just over came me, the knife in my hand looking so sharp & inviting, would anyone really miss me if I killed myself right now…

I didn’t even know Javi had entered the kitchen, but I knew the second I came out of my paused trance that the tingling sensation Within me was from his hand removing the knife from mine, putting it out of my reach. His other hand stroking my back going up & down my spine. I felt like I was actually breathing & being seen for the first time in almost 2 years.

& that’s when one of my favourite songs came on the playlist i was listening too. & I just rocked with Javi in silence, his arms tightly around me waist, squeezing the pain out of me but also filling me with love & purpose… the moment I finally turned my head to see him & his big puppy dog eyes, the lyrics sang “when nobody understands you, well I do” played. We both just softly smiled at each other no words being said.

When the song ended he asked me if I felt better & that I was always welcome & safe in his house or his parents villa if I need some space & didn’t want to go back to the hotel. I told him I knew that, he told me because that’s what best friends do we say nothing & we just understand don’t we…

I should have told him there & then that I was now sure I wanted more but the moment was so pure & perfect & gave me purpose again, that I didn’t want to ruin it with heart break for me if he rejected me. I couldn’t cope with that, not right now. So I’ll continue continuing on

I know my place

& I know Javi will always be there for me…

Chapter Three

[sickly-sapphic]

1-35your evil:)

First of all *you're Second of all maybe this was my plan all along

What is your nickname? Willa IS a nickname - it's derived from my last name. Apart from that I have 7 nicknames.

When is your birthday? 6th of August!! Just had it - and it ended up being a weeklong event :D

What was your longest relationship? My current one, which is almost a year and a half.

What is your favorite book? Loveless by Alice Oseman

What is something you're insecure about? Hmmm, my weight/size. Been bullied for it since I was like 4 😭

5 Male celebrity crushes I don't get crushes, I tried to answer but everytime I was just listing guys I know

5 Female celebrity crushes Again I dont get crushes but I will never turn down a movie with Florence Pugh

What is your dream job? I simply don't dream of labour. I would like to run a queer cafe that doubles with free sex ed info. I also wouldnt mind doing ASMR as a career I just don't have the tools really.

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment? Uhmm, being happy.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe? There was a few years where I was somewhere on the goth/emo spectrum. I don't think it's particularly shocking but I've very quickly gotten a reputation for being a pink princess so...

What were your highs and lows for this last month? Highs - I got a huge plushie the size of my body, heartstopper s2, shopping spree, the Barbie movie Lows - a whole heap of medical shit relating to me and ppl im close with, depressive episodes, burying my cat

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit? I'm honestly not a travel person, I guess I wouldn't mind diving somewhere though.

How do you de-stress? Yoga, sunbathing, baking, crochet, gay things, making art, and reading.

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr? Gratitude Journal, PocketLove and MyPossibleSelf. Social media wise I don't mind Pinterest and Insta but there are almost always things I don't wanna see showing up on my dash.

Describe yourself in one sentence. Hot<3

What do you think makes you attractive? Stomach, thighs and shoulders. I've also been told my worldview is v attractive.

What is something you're really good at? Self love babey.

What is something you're really bad at? Baking red velvet cake.

A time that you told a lie. I lie when asked if there's anything that could prevent me from doing xyz.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know? Nico Di Angelo smells like stone after rain.

Who knows you the best? My boyfriend.

What is your most prized possession? My phone - it has hundreds of photos I wouldnt be able to replace, poetry, songwriting, journalling and its how I stay in contact with long-distance friends and old school/work friends.

What is your longest friendship? Man idk. Friendships often dip, almost all of my friends have had a few years where we weren't friend inbetween things.

When did you first feel like an adult? I felt like an adult before I was ever allowed to feel like a kid so like. always.

Do you/ Have you played any sports? So many! Soccer, touch football, dance (various types), figure skating, I tried boxing once, karate. Currently I don't play sports, I'm more of a yoga, pilates and skateboarding kinda guy.

How are you feeling right now? Kinda in-between. Don't feel completely zoned in-

Are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, because there's about a thousand kinds of love.

Favorite song lyrics right now? "sexy girl come and lay with meeee, im frustrated and its sexually" from Sexy Drug - Falling in Reverse. It's such a good song to scream the lyrics to

What does self care look like for you? It entirely depends on the day - it can be watching a film, going on a walk, buying a little treat, dressing up fancy or some form of working out.

Describe yourself with 3 singers. Taylor Swift, Melanie Martinez, Doja Cat.

What makes you nervous? Pretty people.

What’s a pet peeve you have? People that are mean to be funny.

What will always make you cry? Show Me Going from Brooklyn Nine Nine, also Grimace being sad and never wanting to have a birthday again bc of the grimace shake trend :[ Tearing up rn thinking about it.

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people? It's literally never the same impression. I feel like shy and quiet is probably the main one but sometimes it'll be loud and chaotic, charmismatic and funny, I've also gotten told I'm confident a lot which is wild.

[systems-overloaded]

this is the trend afaik, about things in common with different alters (we have DID) that have different levels of speech and lanaguges comprehension.

(and then i have a question for nonverbal/semiverbal autistic people who might be reading this at the end, if they happen to see this? there is also a simplified question at the very end as well!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

parts with little to no speech:

- their thoughts are as vibes and emotions mainly

- they cannot visualize, they just exist, and experience life through sensations as they come and as they go. they dont really "create thoughts", they just are, they exist and experience.

- theyre the happiest, have no trauma memories, or understanding of the concepts of trauma

- they dont front frequently because they need to feel totally safe, but theyre very happy and calm.

- (my assumption is they mightve formed pre-language learning, but i have no idea for sure. communicating with them, can be a bit hard to understand. they are more than just fragments though, but its hard to explain, they do have opinions, desires, autonomy, but its different in a way? idk)

parts that struggle with speech:

- generally happier and "normal" parts

- less intelligence, less reading comprehension and vocabulary. (theres a big range, but some would probably be considered intellectually disabled if they were a singlet)

- most of their thoughts are simple words put together (like, "want soup. warm. please soup?" instead of "hmm i want some warm soup")

- they are much more grounded into the body, exist within the body

- they do experience distress when fronting in the body, specifically due to nervous system dysregulation and sensory overwhelms.

- they do not hold memories or emotions of the major or minor traumas that happened to us.

- they do not tend to have anxiety or racing thoughts.

- their brain is very quiet, no background chatter or multiple streams of consciousness.

- theyre typically unable to visualize in their brain.

- afaik, for the majority with prominent speech difficulties, they cannot sing. (there might be a couple who can sing without issues, like how some with a stutter can sing without, im unsure how many can sing though.)

- due to being grounded into the body and its signals, our physical capabilities are much less. cannot push through pain, cannot do things others can.

the parts that have better speech (but afaik still have some difficulty with the motor aspect, although its minimal, i think. i have blackout amnesia to these parts. but this is to the best of our knowledge, correct.):

- higher intelligence, very smart. (interested and /understand/ concepts like genetics, medical research journals, quantum physics (to a certain extent), and learning other lanaguges.)

- tend to be extremely anxious, scared, even "paranoid" (though its legitimate based off trauma memories)

- they can visualize in their mind, with extreme vivid details.

- their thoughts are fast, with alot of parts talking in the background all the time, as well as just multiple trains of thought, and memes/songs/etc playing in the background.

- they have more knowledge about the things that happened to us, even if they dont always have access to direct memories (some do, some dont)

- they are extremely dissociated from the body. they exist above the body, sometimes experienced literally.

- they have more phsyical capabilities, because they do not feel pain at all until it gets to extreme levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so my question for those who are nonverbal/semiverbal: id love feedback about what to call this? my speech issues are not simply verbal shutdowns or speech loss episodes induced by stress. id initially assumed that parts who were more traumatized would have less speech, but its actually the opposite for me. (personally i theorize that maybe the more traumatized parts are either way too disconnected from the body to be aware of how hard it is, how much difficulty speech takes. or they have more speech abilities, and maybe even intelligence, because they felt it was so important to be able to talk, and communicate one day about the things that were happening to us. so a bunch of energy was pushed towards speech abilities and brain abilities for those parts? im unsure, this is a guess. the other thing is they mightve been abused and forced to talk better, so they could appear "normal" and not be a stain in the churches reputation.)

a little of (non-trauma) history though:

i didnt say my first word until i was 5 years old, i had a significant speech delay. and id then gone through speech therapy and never actually finished, but the school wouldn't pay for more. i was an extremely quiet kid according to my mom. i would barely speak but i appeared happy and content she said. i did have desires to communicate, and would talk some, tell her about my day at school etc. but mostly i was pretty silent, in school especially. got in trouble for not doing "participation", of repeating things out loud, reading out loud, presentations. i just couldnt and i couldnt explain so id get in trouble.

but as a whole its fact that there are alters that can speak out full sentences and have a full conversation (like a drs appointment). i do not know if how much difficulty they have even matters, because they are still capable of it.

afaik, the majority cannot do that, they cannot have a full conversation like that. not without severe difficulty and/or pain, and then some cannot at all, cant even try.

what should i be calling this experience? would saying im semiverbal be okay? or no? because sometimes i seem to have alters than might be fully verbal? i know not to call myself (or my alters) nonverbal when talking to others (in personal journals i do classify different alters as semiverbal or nonverbal.) but with others, i say things like "i cant talk" or "im mute", or "talking is hard for me right now", etc.

no matter a label, im learning to use an AAC app and learning some ASL (though i struggle with moving hands/fingers right. like clumsy and slow, and some shapes impossible :c ). in the past, those who could push, do push. they push so much and hurt themsleves for other peoples conveniences, and its never acknowledged, and often those words arent even understood/heard/recieved. we have to repeat ourselves multiple times, and say it louder multiple times too. its so taxing, its exhausting (mentally and physically), and it basically causes actual pain.

its like, theres this brain and body disconnect, and my mouth, my tongue, and my jaw are all separate parts that im trying to consciously move, and im trying to get them to move through molasses, and they have a lag in response, if i can even get them to create the shapes i want. and with the pain, its like...knives/nails scrapping/slicing all the nerves/veins in my body.

but im trying to learn to do whats best for me, and what keeps me the healthiest and the happiest. and i think unpacking internalized ableism around using something like an AAC device is something thatll lead me there (to better health and happiness).

but im unsure about how to describe my experiences. afaik, everyone has /some/ degree of struggling to turn word-thoughts into mouth sounds... but id really like to hear input from people who are nonverbal or semiverbal all the time. thank you for reading if you did, and sorry that its so long.

~~~~~~~

simplified question:

i have DID, so i have multiple alters within my body. to my knowledge, we all have a hard time with making speech. some seem to have less difficulty and can have conversations (like at a dr's appointment), others struggle so much they can maybe force out a couple words, and others cannot create speech at all. we have varying levels of intelligence and varying levels of understanding of speech and language.

i had a significant speech delay, with my first word at 5 years old, and never finished speech therapy because the school stopped paying.

these speech issues are not just situational from stress, they are constant with those alters. every single day, for the majority of my day, we cannot create speech. we can make some speech sometimes, but its not even half and half with when we cannot make sounds at all. and the alters who can speak more, only ever front for maybe an hour or two max, and maybe twice a month.

i know not to call myself nonverbal. but would i be semiverbal? can i call me (this me as a whole person with multiple alters inside) semiverbal? or semispeaking? i want to hear from those who are semiverbal and nonverbal.

[heylinfanclub]

I got a lot of things that get in the way of having a routine. Appointments that are biweekly, appointments that are every month on different days, appointments in general. (Nightmare nightmare nightmare).

But there’s also Friendships. I know I can’t control everythin but. What if a routine makes me less able to contact certain people? Wouldn’t that just SUCK ASS? I could check if my friends have like, schedules (the ones who wORK definitely do), but ahhhh. I mean. Friends who do work seem to manage. I was AT MY BEST when I HAD shit to do all day.

Somethin somethin ‘I have a tendency to leave myself ‘open’ for Anything and the idea of being Busy when SOMEBODY NEEDS/WANTS ME, is horrifying. I’m used to being an On Call Circus/Crisis Monkey. The idea of letting down anybody or Missing Out on Anything, drive me bananas. If anything Happens and IM NOT THERE FOR IT, surely it’s My Fault and I’m Bad.’ (Labeling and control fallacy)

My minor attempt to give myself what I want is an attempt to make a Morning Routine. But ah. I GOT ONE DAY A WEEK (OR MORE) WITH AN APPOINTMENT IN THE MORNING. Interrupts routine, stops it from sinking in, I keep fallin off the routine. But I like my appointments Early, so I’m Medicated.

Hhffff I genuinely miss having a schedule given to me by School and having People Around who remind me to take care of myself at regular intervals. Managing Anything feels impossible 88.888888% of the time. There’s too many things I WANT, NEED AND SHOULD BE DOING. And Shoulds are only okay on things that will KILL YOU if you don’t do them. Of which I will still not schedule or do (dental stuff will kill you; not checking if that’s mold under the sink will kill you; not eating will kill you [to starve is to die!]; not addressing your financial reliance on rental assistance will kill you!)

And all the psyche people say ‘they’re not allowed to tell you what you Should do’. Maybe I need an intervention huh? What then? Tell me what to do, god.

Therapy PowerPoint Slide #33: Necessity of Ego Death???

Idk if I got an ego but I def have a pattern of inactivity. And naht a clue how to address it. Cause of the. Inactivity.

I know it’s executive dysfunction but SOMEHOW other people are functioning!!! What accommodations are they GETTING that I’m not? I’m medicated, I used to fucking bullet journal, I have near endless creative resources, an education in case management, multiple therapists and a case manager…. Is it MONEY? Is it always MONEY? Maybe if my Mental Plate wasn’t full of ‘survival mode’, I could FOCUS. sighhhh.

I got dirty laundry and need to shower. Haven’t eaten and negative appetite (food adverse).

But hey. I did a tarot reading and water colored. Somehow.

[husbandhoshi]

hi it's the prev med school anon!! i'm glad to hear med school's going well, i'm currently in my gap years rn trying to get in some more volunteering & clinical experience & overall life experience before i apply next year :') sorry if you've already talked about this before on your blog but did you go straight into med school from undergrad/uni or did you take some time in between?

i was also curious what kind of clinical experiences you did or your peers did before applying -- i feel like i read a lot about diff clinical opportunities and how each one is great and i guess i'm just curious what's worked for other people :') thank you!! i really appreciate it <3

hi sweetheart!! and that sounds like a good plan :’) i didn’t take a gap year because my parents pushed me not to & i regret it because i feel like i could have had a much stronger application otherwise. it worked out anyway and now im here, but the vast majority of my peers took at least one gap year! i think what helped me was that i had a bunch of interesting extracurriculars (journalism, being an english teacher, restaurant work, alongside all the other clinical stuff). but i think it’s better to pace yourself because you’re only in your early 20s once and i think schools look more favorably on students with some life experience anyway :)

as for clinical experience i was a social worker at my university hospital so i had a unique storytelling angle there. this was through an organization at my school. i also ran community health fairs and i was a medical assistant during the summers! many of my friends were also MAs during their gaps :) i’ve also heard of people doing EMT work to meet that criteria!

i think my application year was unique because of the pandemic though so idk if schools are looking for more unique clinical experiences 💔 hopefully this was helpful anyway!

[rianafying]

i’m on tumblr again about to journal so hard. anyway, i’ve been extremely busy and overwhelmed lately, with school and work. some would say i’m doing better than ever but i would say i am living in an internal prison hell of my own creation and my therapist would say i have a fear of success. she did actually say that. and after reading a couple of articles it makes a lot of sense. i have a huge problem. imposter syndrome and always downplaying my achievements god knows why. well god didn’t tell me but i found out why. it’s scary, being in the spotlight especially after experiencing so much bullying throughout my life. now i’m not scared of the direct bullying but i find myself actively sabotaging my own life. for example: i’m doing this podcast and so i’m researching relevant topics. after i learn about the topics, i feel worthless and like why would i make this podcast, if i know this information surely it’s either useless or wrong or everyone already knows better. i’m scared of putting my hand up and lately i’ve somehow developed crippling social anxiety, which is completely undetectable to the people around me. turns out i’m an introvert. i mean i kinda knew it but it’s been very relevant to finding the perspective that is keeping me alive recently. i’m doing great and somehow i hate it. i want to rip my skin and hair out and it makes no sense. i need to get on some sort of adhd medication at some point in life because raw dogging it is proving to be too exhausting for this poor brain. my assignments have been going kind of really well and yet i feel like i’m flopping harder than ever. no matter what i achieve it feels like the bare minimum and nothing i could do would actually make me happy. what is this hell i have placed myself in. at least i’m not screwing up. but i’m always this close to screwing up. the best i do is not screw up. somebody literally offered me extra money for my work because they liked it so much and i’m here still wondering if i let everyone down. aaaaaaaaaaagahsgshsjskkdjjdks. talking about my fear of success sounds an awful lot like i’m bragging, but i’m done with this part of today’s journal entry so let’s move onto other things that are bothering me.

my cousin and my little sister are both going through hell with their uni applications and as big sister ™️ it is often my responsibility to help them out and i love them so much and i’m so so glad that they value my input so much that they come to me with their problems and have me check their essays and applications. and i love helping people especially the people i love so much but sometimes i really just can’t find the time and i forget to get back to them and it makes me feel awful!!!! but i try my best, they know i try my best and they love me so it’s okay.

number three is that im fucking broke, i do fun work and fun work in the fashion industry pays very little. im often doing very cool projects with student designers or little emerging brands and underground artists and obviously they can’t pay the way big corporations do and im so grateful for whatever they give me and for the opportunity to work with them, but at some point im gonna need to find a steady job. i’ve been talking about this for exactly a year and a half now. a lot of problems in my life will be automatically resolved as soon as i get a job. this summer inshallah.

there’s always so many little things to remember and i do my best to keep track of them by putting them in my calendar and my master to do list and my notebook and anywhere and everywhere literally plastered all over everything. it’s kind of overwhelming but the top things im worries about rn are my business presentation, my collab, my interview, the photoshoot for the social media marketing campaign, the blog posts, the exam, to return some stuff i borrowed from designers and the hair makeup gig. all of this needs to happen before the 12th of december, after which i am fully dedicated to finding and doing fully paid steady work in retail or hospitality.

oh i’m also worried about not sending back the pictures i took for my photoshoot, because i’m not happy with the quality of my work. hahah crippling imposter syndrome and self hatred check!!

and my relatives are visiting me this week in my tiny studio apartment that’s messy (as always) (actually not as always, it’s much cleaner than ever before i’m actually getting better at this). there’s just a few too many things on my mind.

it’s gonna be okay though. things are going well, despite how i feel, despite all the fears i have, despite all the complaining, the reality is that i’m killing it. and i’m gonna listen to my therapist and try to have a goo

[codependencytendencies]

This was supposed to be better than the capitalistic b.s. we are sold but it's still pissing me off so I'm gonna scream into the void. Fuck this assessment.

Physical self care

I eat the same thing every day i don't think about it

Who has the fucking money for prevention or medical care

Fashion is overrated bullshit made up by thin ppl who dont even make shit in my fucking size

I'm disabled. I don't do physical activity. I exist and that's enough.

Hot take, it's not my fucking responsibility to constantly try to think positively about myself in a world that tells me they want me dead. I'll be a fucking realist and not lie to myself about shit.

What is it with these pretentious fucks and massages? Noone is fucking touching me and I'm sick of it being so fucking normalized. I will NEVER get a fucking massage and you can't fucking make me.

Psychological self care

Who the fuck has money for vacations? What even is a "day trip"? Driving is exhausting.

What the fuck is "my own personal psychotherapy" even supposed to mean? If it's just a more pretensious way of saying get a therapist, fuck no. I'm not going back to therapy until therapists stop being dicks who gaslight with cbt and work with cops.

The internet is the only place I can interact with other ppl that I don't hate. Taking breaks is harmful.

Who is this written for? How much reading did the creator of this little list think the average person read for work? Bc I don't know anyone who reads for work honestly.

Do you not notice your own thoughts 24/7? How does that even work?

Engage my intelligence... this is one of those ppl who can turn off their brain to watch trash toxic stuff like reality TV isn't it?

Bold of you to assume I'm an expert in anything

This list is so fucking weird. It's like stuff that I don't even think about or stuff that is not helpful at all.

Be curious... this is why I hate so many ppl. If you have to be reminded to be curious I honestly don't understand why you are alive.

Yeah work stays at work but that's just fuck capitalism don't be taken advantage of.

Journaling is such a basic ass thing and after a while it's pointless. I haven't done that since I was like 16. Not to mention it's exhausting. I'm not writing stuff down by hand esp if I'm the only one that's gonna see it. I'll rant out loud in my apartment bc that's at least not a waste of fucking time. Like who even has a thought long enough to write it down like that?

Emotional self care

I.have.no.support.system. that means no fucking ppl to hang out with.

I HAVE NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. Fuck those toxic ppl that gave birth to me and all the fucks related to them. They can go dissolve in the toxic sludge they created.

I am autistic. Rewatching things is kind of required.

Express outrage... ironically that is what I'm doing right now. Again, fuck this assessment

Fuck affirmations. I'm not lying to myself. It's not actually healthy to tell yourself you're a good person. Bc you're not. Nobody is. That's black and white thinking bullshit. I am a person that does good and bad things depending on my capabilities and I know that bc im not a fucking lying allistic that thinks they don't suffer from black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and for me that means i have uncontrollable bouts of crying. There is no allowing myself. Privileged ass person who made this can apparently controlled their crying. How nice for them.

Now here's where the REAL anger starts

Wtf is going on with this whole "spiritual self care" bullshit? Why is it so hard for ppl to grasp that not everyone thinks like them? And they say autistics have a lack of theory of mind.

Causes aren't spiritual. They are opinions and values.

Reflection isn't spiritual, that's just using your fucking brain to analyze yourself, we already covered that, how many reminders do you boring allistic ppl need??

Non material aspects of life? Wtf does that even mean? Am I aware that there are abstract concepts? Yes, social constructs are abstracts, like Religion is a social construct and im not interested, it's boring.

Find spiritual connection or community?? This bullshit is why atheists are so lonely. Yall can't build any community outside religion.

Relationship self care

Partner. No. Fuck that amatonormativity.

Relatives? Fuck those toxic ppl.

What posting on tumblr isn't enough?

Personal correspondence? Did someone forget to upgrade to modern language? Why does this sound like some 19th century person talking about writing a letter to send along the pony express.

There are no people to do things for me. I have been asking for help and there is noone. I hate this fucking state, I have nothing in common with these ppl. There is nothing for me, I don't like any of the things that ppl do here, and they don't have any of the things I like to do.

Literally all I have is my cats, and I had to Pavlov them into loving me.

Workplace self care

Chat with coworkers??? Why the fuck would I want to do that? At best I tolerate ppl enough to do my job. Peers?? There aren't even ppl my own age here. I can go days without talking to anyone at all. support groups at work??? This is some fancy blue state shit isn't it?

Can't balance shit when you don't have shit.

Fuck self care

[bmpmp3]

OH ALSO a couple nights ago i had a dream and like 0% of it was messy and unclear but I DO remember this green man. he was like a lawyer or a doctor

[intersex-support]

would it be valid for me to use the intersex label? im mixed (black and white) and afab, and i dont have a medical diagnosis due to inconclusive testing, racism, but i feel a strong connection with the community and identity. its something that i relate to quite a lot im not sure if i should get into all the details of my experience, but my puberty pretty much consisted of this, and lots of emotions of guilt and questioning with no answers to show for it

- excessive body hair & slightly less excessive facial hair (even for my family, where this is a reoccuring pattern with the black women in it. theyve all pestered me since i was little to get rid of it)

-acne that spread to my chest and back

-highly irregular periods (still a relevant pattern today), to the point where one of them lasted almost 5 months long

-breasts that hardly developed if at all

Hi anon, thank you for sending this in and I'm sorry for taking a bit to get to it.

I can only tell you my personal opinion and I want you to take it with a grain of salt because there's no way I can know what your experience is like, but I would say yes. I would also say that any white person, or any non-Black person for that matter (intersex or not,) who tells you that you can't identify as intersex has no right to say that.

Your description aligns very well with multiple peoples accounts of hyperandrogenism; these are also attributes that my doctors have told me could be hypderandrogenic symptoms, I've read the same in multiple journal articles, and experiences some myself.

I think you would be right to assume that racism plays a factor in diagnosis, it definitely was for me. Self-diagnosis is a hard thing to come to but I think it's often essential for those of us who don't receive adequate care from the medical industry, ultimately it's your choice if you think intersex is fitting for you which it sounds like it does from your ask.

While it's your choice I also want to let you know that it is valid, I'm not going to question you more on this because I think you have probably already gone over so many of them in your head or looked into them on your own, I'm also not looking to discourage you here. If you come to the conclusion that you are intersex and you find strength in that then don't let the medical industry, white people, or anyone else try to tell you that they know better.

If you're not comfortable, don't feel like you are ready, or you don't have enough evidence (evidence for yourself, not others), then you can always say that you are questioning intersex.

I also hope that whatever you decide is best for you helps alleviate any guilt or grief you have held on to from your experience, and always feel free to reach out again <3

[chasingdasunshine]

took this like a week ago after literally falling to my knees bawling my eyes out but i do think this photo really captures the past 1.5 yrs…. mask, single tear, double chin, peace sign, red watery eyes, dirty car, crooked hat…. i’m so excited to be 24 and rid of the negative energy that lasted my whole 23rd year. literally the worst one by far. death(s) in the family, first heart break, unemployment, living at home, losing friends, the literal pandemic.. obvi some positive things happened too (new job, new place, winston, closer to fam) but negative just outweighed it by a lot haha. and really just pushed me so deep into a depression that i didn’t even realize it. i’m literally about to post this same caption on my instagram i swear so i’m trying to post it here so i don’t. who knows what’ll happen. but anyway looking forward to 24 being positive and continuing to develop good habits. kinda sad bc 23 is my favorite number. literally not anymore it reminds me of so much pain and hurt. i am so over being depressed and i want to get back to where i was 3ish years ago. i felt good and happy and ok with being alone. sometimes i feel like i should be taking medication i get so emo. but i am giving myself time. but the goal is only happy tears from now on and giving my energy to people who deserve it. mostly myself because i need that. if anyone i know ever reads this u better keep scrolling and ignore it hahaha. but ya good things coming just need to change my mindset and get over myself basically. stop caring what other people think and just grind. i feel like i haven’t been in this good of an opportunity for growth before and i need to take it. big thing of the year is that i’ve never been so comfortable with my sexuality (lesbian) before and im so proud of myself. telling every new person i meet about it. it’s a journey still obvi but im so open and accepted and loved anyway. from the people that matter that is. strangers/coworkers is fun too and cool to see. im excited to continue to develop relationships with co workers. some of them are the bomb. others not so much lol but the good ones are down ass homies. im excited to make money, travel (solo??), meet new people, date, not date, get tattoos, be a dog mom, be a good friend/daughter/stranger/aunt, learn new recipes, gain weight, lose weight, go to church, find new songs and whatever just experience LIFE. i truly have been missing out since i got dumped and honestly if i am completely honest with myself before that too and just have done a disservice to myself and everyone around me. i learned a lot from that whole experience and i’m glad to have had that but jesus did it have to hurt that bad for that long!!! i’m thankful for the people who stuck around during my valleys and hope they will stick around for the hills too. if u didn’t stick around then no hard feelings and wish u all the best. but honestly i was not a good friend and i understand. i’m working on myself in so many different ways and will be a whole new person coming up soon. hopefully. haha. anyway that’s my last electric journal entry for let’s sayyyyyy at least a month if all goes well lol but the goal is until 2022. word/theme of the year for my bday/the new year is growth/bloom/spontaneity/positive/good vibes/sunshine chasin. wish me luck! & if none of this happens then mind ur business and i probably got depressed and unmotivated again. check in coming soon 👹 (new fav emoji) byeeer

[fairycosmos]

no literally its not even pessimistic its just the truth that life is filled with suffering and then you die. what is the point lol. im so tired of hearing "the point is to make your own point 😊😊" no thanks i actually would just like to stop being alive xoxo. im so utterly miserable. ive wanted to die since i was a literal child too so it's not something i can just change my mindset about it's a fundamental part of my beliefs...like maybe im delusional but i cannot change how i feel about this

seriously! like idk what to do because no matter what i believe, no matter how many epiphanies i try to have through reading and drinking and drugs and letting myself age and journaling and meditation and medication - the fundamental reality and its inevitable suffering never changes :/ i never feel better, or solved. there is just no solution for the human condition, and certainly no solution for the specific makeup of my brain and my past. and listen i’ve said “the point is to make ur own point!” to people a thousand times before and people have said it to me a thousand times before and i believe it, too. i think the problem is that it’s quite literally not a satisfactory answer in the face of such immense pain - but it’s also the only one anyone’s got. and it’s not inherently a bad thing, either, but it doesn’t cure us. i am sorry, love. i definitely hear you and am happy to sit with you in the despair for a while, especially if acknowledging it works more for you than trying to “fix” it does. it’s so unrelentingly difficult, all the time. child you deserved better and so does the you of this moment. nobody will ever understand how hard its been for you, and you have every right to be tired. now, disregard this if you don’t want to hear it but i do believe that despite that, your belief system and the way you view yourself can be changed, though it takes a lot of work and time. and unfortunately i think the end result is often not a great and endless love towards yourself, or a state of pure permanent happiness, but more so a steady coping and a constant sense of coming-to-terms. i mean maybe both, who knows. i hope you stick around to experience something like that, even though i know it’s so much easier said than done. i seriously don’t think it’s as out of reach as it feels in the heaviest moments, even though you’re right - mental illness isn’t something you can “just change” about yourself either. the world is the fuckin worst for expecting you to. but adulthood is a de-conditioning for a lot of us. seeking support and help is an even more unsatisfactory answer than the other one, but it’s also something i hope you don’t write off entirely. i hope you’re able to find the tools and the people you need to make this bearable, one day or even one minute at a time. no matter how long it takes. sending u a lot of love. x

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines