#im rambling bullshit again on someone elses post im sorry

[boarcide]

Anon mentioned the panel of Akutagawa holding his friend's frozen corpse, and I can see why. The one hand against their pulse and the other one holding their shoulder almost looks like a hug. Like he's carefully holding them close, probably already aware they've passed in their sleep rather than trying to shake them awake in desperation. It's far from animalistic--it's tender. It's human. And I think when holding a dead loved one with your hands, with the understanding that your friend died next to you while you both slept, that you were in a close proximity to death itself--the only logical way you can confront that is by through a disconnect from grief. I don't think anger, or sadness, or even a clinical detachment would allow you to hold somebody like that. It's love and it's grief even if it's all forcibly shoved down because he has other people to take care of.

I have so many thoughts about how Akutagawa was so painfully tender with not just Gin but with the friends he cared about. In the events up until they got ambushed and killed, Akutagawa had shown his affection and care in the only way he knew how; making sure they stayed safe by any means necessary. He maimed an adult because the adult held his friends hostage with a knife to his neck and threatened the others. He sat away from the fire they made so that the rest of the group could huddle closer for warmth. He made them pack up quickly so they could leave soon because it put them at risk to be caught--the mission he did with Kunikida revolving around Child Trafficking and the fact that he knew exactly what to look out for helps further imply he kept them safe from child traffickers. While violence as a first instinct makes you no more than an animal, I don't think there is anything more human than ensuring the safety and comfort of those you care for, especially above your own.

This entire thing about Akutagawa's perception of himself is more tragic when you think of this the exact same time you realize that the same people he took care of may have contributed to his belief of being less than human:

"He lived with them, eight or so companions in the same circumstances as he, in the fields.

They spoke ill of him, the boys and girls of his own age who were also his companions. Behind their hands, they whispered thus..."he has no feelings."

"...Many of the adults also murmured, "That devil's child has no heart."

I say that because Akutagawa makes a direct comparison between having emotions and being human.

"I feel hatred

I am no longer a dog.

I have become a human being, with feelings of my own."

Because BEAST only starts with Akutagawa's life at 14, when he meets Dazai--because the rest of it are just a glimpse, a summary to his rampage-- we don't actually know a lot about him. We don't know much of anything other than the brief glimpses that are revealed to us. Akutagawa was still a child. I'm sure it's not just a one time occurrence. I'm sure he's internalized the idea that he's somehow more akin to a dog or a beast because it's been hammered into him that he is anything but human. Children are rather perceptive but I doubt any adult bothered hiding their disdain of him. I doubt he came to the conclusion that he's like a dog because he can't emote or feel emotions like others do by himself.

The very opening in BEAST and the implications of The Heartless Cur about Akutagawa constantly stuck in a dissociated state as a child in the slums does incomprehensible levels of damage to my brain. Living in a state where you're always starving, always fighting for scraps, being beaten by adults, waking up next to dead friends, having to maim or potentially kill at such an early age, escaping from traffickers so often, etc. are all so horrific that it's no wonder why he was called a child without emotions. Having to experience the grief, pain, and terror as it comes and goes in his situation would be a kind of hell that would be impossible to survive. Part of his brain probably shut itself off to avoid any more pain and distress. I have so many thoughts about it. There is something extremely heartbreaking about how despite living completely dissociated from his emotions, and possibly pain --to the point that he stared off into empty space while being beaten, or couldn't even express enjoyment at warm meals-- his priority had always been taking care of and protecting Gin and his friends. The one panels where he (gently, i have to mention) holds his friend that had frozen to death in their sleep, and him cutting a man's arm off for harming his friends imply that he either had the responsibility or took it upon himself to deal with the difficult and dangerous stuff. I am in the trenches losing the idgaf war

Akutagawa, upon feeling rage and hatred for the first time, thinks, "I've gained the ability to feel. Therefore, I'm no longer a heartless cur." Implies that he probably didn't see himself as anymore human than anybody other adult, which, considering that is all he had been called, he probably internalized. His friends were capable of smiling and experiencing joy with each other and also capable of experiencing sadness too. Did he ever look at his friends having fun and think something was wrong with him to be unable to feel anything or express it if he did? How did he feel looking at his sister--his other half, the most important person - while trying his best to take care of her and be the best for her while not being all there? How does it affect him now? So many questions and I'm going insane about it. Sorry for dumping this onto you but I needed a victim

Anon, have mercy on me

I think that Gin is such an important part of Ryuunosuke's character exactly for that. It is impossible to transcend from it– if you forget about her, you're just failing to comprehend Ryuunosuke. Gin is literally the only factor that keeps Ryuunosuke human. We see him lash out and we see him howl and we see him being beaten up and we see him act with not an ounce of reason; for most of the story, we see nothing of Ryuunosuke but a rabid animal. But I think the moment he shows to truly care about Gin, that's the moment the reader starts perceiving him as human, as well as the moment we start feeling sympathy for him. Unexpectedly and unpredictably, he shows a side of him that isn't violent and bestial, a side of him that is caring, that is loving towards a family member, something that is easy to relate to; then, even him can be human. Even in the slums, even when everything else of him seems numb and detached and heartless, he still cared for his family first. He still made flowers with his ability and retaliated against anyone who mistreated his siblings. When one of his friends got hurt, he carried them on his back. When a dog killed his friend, he mercilessly slaughtered all the dogs in the vicinity. What's that, if not the only way someone who never knew anything but violence and pain has left to express love?

Of course Ryuunosuke had internalized his being not human, of course he believes that. Of course he's the first who considers himself a dog. But that's what makes Ryuunosuke's character development so meaningful, isn't it? Isn't that true that it wouldn't result as impactful if such a strong ability to hate and such a strong ability to love didn't come from a place of true incapacity to feel? It is, alright, a simplistic perspective, but Ryuunosuke's story really is the succession of quests that have him gain emotions, and with every new one he becomes a little more human, till he's reached the fulfillment of his being. Maybe love really is the ultimate thing that makes us human.

[space-payacho]

I agree with your post talking about Miguel O'Hara and Reader fics.

I love them dearly, but I wish we could've seen more that touches on what actually happens in the movie. I actually have a story idea that touches it.

Its about a Spiderwoman who is also a variant of Miguel's wife (I know we don't see the Spouse in the film so I'm adding this). Miguel comes to her after experiencing her 'Uncle Ben' canon event. But here's where I hope to make it interesting. The canon event of her uncle ben figure isn't as tragic as with the other spiders. They were close, but they weren't that close, and this one died to a heart attack rather than trying to stop a burglar. But Miguel took her in on a technicality because she did go through that, so its enough for him. Why would he do this? Cause I imagine he isn't fully ready to let go of the dream of having a family. So he takes her in the spider society and over time they connect and go on missions. There's a bond growing and Miguel wants to develop it to something more, that at least he can have love in his life again. Love could have bloomed between them.

Then the film happens, and from afar She overhears the canon events and what he called and did to Miles. What he regarded him as and how far he'll take it to ensure the status quo. That OC is not the same after hearing all that, and when Miguel returns, he notices she's quieter and hears her request to stay behind to ensure everything else runs smoothly after what happened.

After he leaves with his team, that wife looks more into Miguel and learns what happened to his family, or rather his variant's family and not only notices how flawed his canon event theory is, but also plans to ensure her canon event of losing a police captain close to her is guaranteed to 'protect' her universe and her.

So, she joins Gwen's team to rescue Miles. I hope when the film comes out we could see how it goes, but if sometime later Miguel returns and notices her not only gone, but with Gwen's team to rescue miles and his dad... I can't imagine what he do to them after seeing what he did to Miles.

Sorry for the very long ramble!

dont be sorry for that ramble anon, yasss someone speaks my language! i got an oc is is somewhat in the same situation as yours.

she's a peter parker's daughter and her main thing was losing him but a variant of miguel o'hara too when she was a teenager. im still working the details for this au but her normal timeline with miguel was made waay before spiderverse came out.

miguel found her and for some reason took her in. she's aware he's different than her original miguel but sticks around cause she's got nothing else.

oh and from the beginning she did not buy his canon event bullshit.

cause i personally believe thats something he pulled out of his ass to justify some shit he's done.

so of course shit hits the fan with miles, she was already working behind the scenes against him and also bails to help gwen.

[mrskurono]

hello i am back once again but with this

https://twitter.com/nonlovso/status/1374142549519122436?s=21

(the op elaborates more in the replies + the embedded one on atsumu) in case u can’t see it -> https://twitter.com/nonlovso/status/1374155371145756679?s=21

i love reading these types of tweets, just people talking about the character in canon, analysing what furudate was trying to depict when he wrote these characters. also the phrase “monsters can only thrive among monsters” ???? fuckjng love that, so much to unpack tbh.

idk i just rlly want to see these characters thru the eyes of the author. it’s hard for us readers when 1) we don’t know the thought processes behind the making of each character, and 2) many characters we only see on the volleyball court. but people act differently in different situations. i know it’s a pipe dream but i always hope for more canon haikyuu content outside of volleyball, just regular slice of life content, just teens being teens (i know haikyuu-buu exists but it’s not confirmed to be canon so 💀)

- 🪢 sorry this become somewhat of a rant. this has been on my mind ever since i started liking suna, i couldn’t find posts / tweets like this for suna so i rlly struggled trying to fully understand him (which irritated me bc it felt like he was a one dimensional character 😡)

The amount of nerdy that I am I LOVE shit like this.

Which you know what is interesting is the way each can be laid out for each characters struggle with loneliness and how Sakusa’s is clearly the easiest to identify and yet people chastise him almost the most (Have y’all ever met only children? They can be a little weird and I’m married to one ok so I get it) But ironically Bokuto is one I never thought about (though I’ve thought in depth over Akaashi’s bc he latches to the 3rd yrs and then gets physically left alone) 

Bokuto’s loneliness is weird bc of course when Furudate let out who has siblings (which I got way too nerdy about that bc the family dynamics were real obvious after Furudate gave us siblings to characters) Bokuto is the youngest among three and anyone who’s ever had/known three kids is the baby is almost always the golden child in some way. On purpose or not. Like how much older are the sisters? Are they close? Did they baby Bokuto and that’s why he’s so focused on the team? (bc he needs someone to not really “take care” of him but at least guide his emotions at least) We see Oikawa’s sister is obviously old enough for him to have nephew that old so clearly they weren’t raised too much together (age gap) But Bokuto being the baby among two older siblings (female) in an Asian family really would speak to his need for attention bc he’s 1. The baby and 2. The only male child. Not faulting Bokuto at all bc like, he could really be a dick but he’s not. Which makes me feel like the sisters are closer in age bc if you’ve ever had siblings you know your ego gets to be in check no matter what. Bokuto’s loneliness is just something fun to pick apart bc it’s not exactly loneliness (or at least I don’t see it that way) like out of all of them he’s def seeking validation more than anything it feels like. Anyways- Sorry I’m rambling I like character analysis way too much XD

But god yes the lack of content outside the volleyball realm drives me crazy. Especially post high school in that short 5 year span before MSBY v Schweiden. Which this is my total bias talking but I constantly want to know when and how it happened that Kageyama just, mellowed out. He’s reintroduced not even really with a scowl. Totally unphased by the dumbshit Hoshiumi does, he’s surrounded by little kids (which I still wanna know when kids started to like him bc he’s the only one seen with a lot of younger fans repeatedly) and he smiles like a lot. Growth from the MSBY team always circles back (for me at least) for the four of them being together and growing like that. But Schweiden doesn’t have that substitute brother feel? I mean I think Kageyama and Ushijima get along real well (simpletons) but what about the other teammates? (Hoshiumi still has feral vibes that never leave I love him for that) But Kageyama was with them graduation on basically so who helped him mellow out? Who had such an impact on him that Kageyama kinda relaxed back into his interested, wide eyed and calm middle schooler self who was just enjoying playing volleyball. Like, Furudate??? You can’t just give me my man vibing being sweet and dealing with Hoshiumi’s bullshit and not tell me when it happened?? Was it personal life growth?? Was it the team?? FuruDATE GIVE ME ANSWERS

No one ever really points this out (or at least I haven’t seen it) but the two panels we get of Suna timeskip he’s smiling. I don’t know why but I just feel like that speaks to his character a lot. That he’s actually really a happy individual he just hated high school. He was in the lowest academic class, he loved volleyball but hated any variation of the twins and Kita and he was good at what he did but never really shined over having to deal with everything else. Which I mean he’s def not a spotlight kinda guy but even when they’re watching past games for prep Ukai has to point out Suna is the main point getted for Inarizaki (bc everyone is focused on the twins) I dont know...I just kinda find Suna interesting bc he’s seen as almost mean but timeskip Suna is smiling, chatty with Komori and good enough to be in the top leagues. He always struck me as one of those kids who hated school but was incredibly smart. Which is why I probably liked canon Suna a lot quicker than whatever the fuck the fandom depicts him as. (not to mention the being the older sibling so anyone who’s older knows you tend to be the emotionally calm one to not stir the pot and keep things calm at home which would really explain Suna’s deadpan look a lot just from personal experience as the eldest child)

See now you made me go off, this was supposed to be short but I passed out last night before I could do anything XD Now everyone knows Im a nerd :l

[lavendertrash39]

HERE WE GO FOLKS, TIME FOR SOME HORRIBLE GRAMMAR AND RAMBLING.

This is what I think Imposter Factory is going to be like (also feel free to drop your theories below :P)

SO, I discussed in a post about how in the trailer it says “end of a world” and not “end of the world” and thinking that that world was Neil’s machine. We see at the end of the teaser trailer Eva gets a call (I think from Roxie) and it cuts off after she says “NEIL WHAT?” or something like that. I think that the interaction went somewhat like Roxie rambling about the fact that something’s wrong with Neil having to do with a Sigcorp Machine. That is THAT world. They are unable to enter into it, so they must destroy it without hurting him. Now, to the name.  Strange isn’t it? Imposter Factory, well (I can't remember the username) someone said on Youtube that they thought that the girl and Quincy could be Johnny and Faye, Johnny not looking the same because of a Hazy memory. Faye not looking the same because either same reasons or she’s a master of disguise. That goes into italics. You know these things that make you sound really calming or suspicious hehe. Well in the description of Imposter factory, it always says Quincy, not just Quincy. This could imply that Quincy is not indeed Quincy. He is an imposter of Johnny, and the girl is an imposter of Faye.

Okay quick break between this so I don’t have to be consistent because this is basically a bunch of jumbled ideas written down: you know the tape recorder? Well I’ve seen many things that say that it’s so he can tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Why did I put reality in bold? Lol I’m having fun with weird formatting, but also because A reality without me. In that, we hear the sounds that came with the tape recorder and if you heard those three annoying off key notes then they weren’t annoying, its one of the main patterns of notes in Bestest Detectives. There also could be a thing where he starts having trouble knowing if he’s in a machine or not, which could actually make him probably more emotional during the cases. 

Alrighty more out of context-ness. Did you notice the other person besides the girl on the cover art for Imposter Factory? I didn’t until I read a post about it. It looks like a guy’s shillouette (I can’t spell the word I’m sorry). That person in the background could be Quincy, but what if it was Neil? It seems like a dark area, maybe Eva and Roxie tried to get in contact with Neil through Faye. So she takes him to a secluded dark area to try to tell him that this place isn’t real and try to make him remember. Maybe even bringing out the tape recorder, and playing the audio files from the Christmas Party we saw him taking. 

Okay, so I’ve been trying to get one of my friends into this fandom for a while and she watched it and wasn't a fan, but she still enjoys hearing me talk about it and when I showed her art (lol she said she wished it focussed on Neil and Eva more instead of Johnny and River or Colin and his crew of emotional instability). Whenever I was freaking out about a reality without me and I noticed how it said IF for the initials. She then came up with the idea of IF Neil never died, which plays along with that time machine thing that Quincy finds in the bathroom (which actually could be Neil’s machine now that I think of it). So it goes into this reality where Neil never died and Eva and him get married. Then it’s the end of that world, and a reality without me plays because she has to live in a world without him. Then again, that doesn’t really touch on the almost ENTIRETY of Minisode two with the two Evas and all that. Basically, I think it’s going to be focused on the IF since y’know that's what's highlighted, and it’ll use the time machine (or Neil’s machine) and a lot of bullshit happens. 

Something else is the fact that there's people seen at Neil and Eva’s wedding killed by presumably long cat (he was too long to be trusted), there's the two Evas, there's the fact Kan Gao said “the only way to not spoil this story is to mislead” when he posted to chase a murderer, and finally, there's the weird naked Neil sprites Kan Gao posted saying “doing some important work”

I really don’t know about the last one it was posted like A YEAR ago and uh yeah long cat seems like something Neil would create. Oh can we talk about the fact that there's only Sigcorp employees and those like 2 other people I think at the wedding. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if Neil’s family didn’t come (maybe his mom did...? idk I have a lot of theories) but Eva’s? Like AT LEAST her sister would come, and she seems to be close with her family. It just throws me off a bit.  OKAY I GOTTA DO HOMEWORK ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS I WILL TRY TO ANSWER BUT IM LOW KEY FAILING SCHOOL BYEEEE

IM ADDING TO IT A DAY LATER

(I’m so sorry this is so long)

Okay so I talked about the fact that that theory basically explains nothing having to do with Minisode two besides the brief mention of the tape recorder, but I think I got something. What if Quincy for some reason is one of the workers at the wedding after party Neil and Eva have, so the time machine is Neil’s machine. I talked about that already, but what if that little cut of Eva in that one machine at the end of the Minisode is her using his ‘time machine’ to go to a time IF Neil never died. Then there's also something about Faye being in Neil’s memories at one point because we see her dress straps on that motorcycle scene in FP and you hear the sound of a memory reset and Neil forget something he just said which is creepy af, so idk about that.

I don't know this is such a confusing game series and I have no idea what’s going to happen.

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

You've mentioned before that the Fae hierarchy is complicated and hard to explain but can you explain? I think you have but I can't find the post. Just like, is there one main ruler and then other people who work under them or co-rulers like what's it like? Sorry if you already answered a question like this.

okay so im gonna try, let me know if this borders on Fucking Nonsensical and i’ll try to rephrase it. also its going under a cut because its 1) long af, and 2) literally just me rambling about fae legal minutiae, i’m fairly certain its deeply boring tbh

the courts are like whole bunch of concentric and sometimes interlocking circles of various sizes. the whole enchanted forest, and all the fae in it (including the solitaries) are one CourtTM. this is usually what humans are referring to when they say “The Court,” and that’s what Virgil as Lord of the Forest, is in charge of - the whole shebang.

Splitting The CourtTM in half gives you Seelie (further divided in half into Springs and Summers) and Unseelie (further divided in half into Autumn and Winter)

This is where it starts to get complicated. 

The gentry are like the nobility, but it’s not quite an inherited-title thing, in the way it is for human nobilty. The most powerful fae in a given circle is the one who’s in charge, and gentry are (usually) the most powerful type of fae.

So, Virgil is the (sort of) the most powerful fae in the whole forest, the most powerful Unseelie, and the most powerful Winter, which makes him simultaneous the head of the Wickhills court, the Unseelie court, and the Winter court.

(I say sort of, because technically the head of all three of those courts is actually Virgil’s mother, but seeing as she is too eldritch to 1) do any actual governing - hence the reason she made Virgil to begin with - or 2) communicate successfully with anyone except Virgil, we’re just gonna cut out the middle man and say it’s Virgil)

And then whoever is the most powerful Autumn is the head of the Autumn court, but they also answer to Virgil since he’s head of the Unseelie court. Whoever is the most powerful Seelie is second to Virgil-as-head-of-The-Whole-Court, but outranks the head of the Autumn court, because theyre the next concentric circle up 

(god i hope this is making sense)

then we get to the interlocking circles. all the sprites have their own court, for example. BUT sprites can be any season. So they all answer to the head of the sprites (whatever season that sprite is) but some of them are also answering to the Spring court, and some the Summer, so on and so forth. The sprites are also further divided into pixies, nixies, imp, gremlins, so on and so forth

Now, I say usually for gentry being the most powerful type of fae - which is true, but isn’t the case 100% of the time. The issue is that the vast majority of gentry are kind of a bunch of pretentious, self-absorbed assholes, and will get very pissy if anyone points out that there are, in fact, some wild fae who are more powerful than them.

AND you can, if you like, refuse - if the most powerful Autumn up and decides theyre done with this bullshit and want to fuck off into the woods, they can hand it over to the next strongest Autumn and do so. It’s kind of like deputizing, in that if they come back and decide they want their title again, it’s still their, but once they say “you’re in charge” that deputy has full authority - Virgil is technically his mother’s “deputy” in this analogy.

(Virgil could theoretically do this as well, but 1) he has things like A Sense Of Responsibility and doesnt trust anybody else with the forest for love or money, 2) since his mother is more powerful than him she could just take it back from whoever he deputized and she would probably kill them even if she didnt mean to and 3) she would absolutely mean to, because his Mother would pitch a fit)

OKAY, hopefully that made sense, now we get to the second aspect of this whole shebang - things that are dependent on familial inheritance.

Stuff like personal property or territory, as well as debts and gifts both magical and mundane.

Heirs are chosen based on season, and earliness-of-season. The line of inheritance goes from you your children who are your same season, from earliest birthday to latest, your children who are your same seelie/unseelie court but not the same season, the non-opposite season, and then the opposite season last

So a Spring for example, goes (all of them earliest to latest in the season) Springs, Summers, Winters, Autumns.

(so if a Spring had a very powerful Autumn child, and a very weak Spring child, and then died, the child who inherits their stuff is the Spring)

This also means that if there’s more than one parent involved and theyre of different seasons, the children inherit things from different parents in different orders. (The Spring mother’s heir is the Spring child, but the Winter parent’s heir is the Autumn)

if you don’t have children, it goes to your siblings (same order) and if you don’t have those either, things start to get dicey, especially with magical shit being inherited. If it’s a debt, it has to go somewhere, and it’s likely to start flailing all over your (usually matrilineal) family line trying to find someone to stick to.

So debts can sometimes be the (very unpleasant) fae equivalent of “my great uncle so-and-so who i never even met left me a house on the lake”

[koukoupepia]

i posted this on twitter but i might as well post this here too, somewhat aimless rambling about the destiny trio in kh3 and how it did them dirty under the cut. beware, its kind of long. kh3 spoilers, obviously

this isn't my thoughts on kh3 as a whole, its more of a kairi/destiny trio rant. this isnt entirely coherent either. god ok im sorry for all the kh3 talk but i dont know how long its going to take me to stop being pissed about what happened with kairi when for a long time they were building her up to be a character who Does Stuff now. she gets her keyblade in kh2! it was revealed she's be joining the 7 guardians in the ddd secret ending! she's talking to yen sid with riku at the end of 0.2! and when we were let down i saw people saying "well, what did you expect? it's square." like its not common knowledge kh doesnt have the best writing but i dont thing its unrealistic to have expected better than THAT. a cardboard cutout who got fridged for manpain. like kairi wasnt always the best character, certainly wasnt very well treated, but i cant believe that fucking kh2 treated her better than kh3 did.

anyway i keep thinking about how it makes me sad that the destiny trio is really not a trio, but also that their relationship progression... doesnt make a lot of sense. when info came out about kh3 having a theme of relationships changing, i wondered if they were actually going to be leaning away from the romance angle (still too much to ask for, but god.) i wondered if sora and kairi were going to realize they weren't as close as they used to be, since they have spent SO much time apart with no contact. and sora and riku continue to be very tight, because every game since kh2 has woven them together like the tightest knit sweater. i like the idea that sora & kairi have puppy crushes on each other in the early games - -in kh1 theyre very sweet. i wouldve been happy with canon sokai if their friendship continued to be as sweet as that. it's kind of interesting how in kh2, when sora sees sally and jack dancing, he imagines himself and kairi dancing together, but it's his current self and a younger kairi, because it's how he last remembers her. at that point he still feels closest to kairi and his relationship with riku is strained.

kh2 changes the dynamic when sora and riku finally reunite and they make up in a very healthy way (catch me crying about the scene on the dark margin, ive never seen two characters mend their relationship in a way that made me cry that much.) sora leaves the islands again, but the scene where kairi regifts the charm she made him after he gives it back is important because it shows that they both have faith that they'll continue to be friends no matter how far apart they are, and they'll find each other again. by Days you see the utter dedication that riku has to sora, he basically treats living a waking nightmare with the single goal to make sure sora wakes up safely as atonement. sora doesnt know the extent of this but you, the audience, do. the series REALLY emphasizes their relationship and their closeness and their dedication to each other, how they support each other in the ways they need. re:coded has the journal decide that riku was the best form to take to protect information about sora's journey. ddd shows riku as the only one fit to dive into sora's heart to wake him up. (and as of kh3 we know that dives to the heart exist in a place where the line between sleep and death is very thin -- aka, riku really risked his whole ass life AGAIN for a CHANCE to wake sora up.) when riku is told he passed the mark of mastery, sora is too busy being happy for him to feel sad for himself.

the relationship between riku and kairi.... is very minimal. but i think it's interesting that in kh1 when maleficent manipulates riku's feelings of jealousy to draw him further into the darkness, he thinks "oh god i have to get kairi. sora can't abandon her, too." i like that in kh2, kairi is able to tell that it's him immediately and she refuses to let him walk away without reuniting him without sora. in kh3 they dont interact at all, its weird as hell. it's like they dont know each other and kairi is sora's friend only.

i was disappointed at the minimal interaction between riku and sora in kh3, and i know that it's partially because this is the first game where their individual goals and motivations dont revolve around each other somehow (sora's goals in this game are all over the place in a bad way but that's a different post) but i was really hoping for a good chat and/or heartfelt moment between them like almost every other game has, since their relationship is probably the backbone of the series. one of the things that irked me about how they treated kairi is that sora actually thinks about riku on multiple occasions throughout the game and wants to talk to him, and the part where he thinks about how riku thought he had to push him away to protect him re: elsa was an "oh shit they really did go there" moment for me. on the other hand sora did not think of or mention kairi even once before their first conversation -- they didnt even have him wonder how she was doing, or wish he could call her, or have anything remind him of her. between the end of kh2 and ddd he and kairi dont interact or contact each other once, because nomura only cares to stick kairi where she can be a romantic prize for sora and doesnt treat her like theyre actually friends.

then the actual first scene they have together is so damn jarring. this was 24 hours into my playthrough of a game that took me ~30 hours to complete. theyre on their usual spot on the paopu tree, kairi points out that riku is by himself, which is not ooc for riku, but when they have her use that moment to pull out a paopu fruit and go "heysoraiwannabetogetherforeversoletssharethese" my reaction was "where did this come from suddenly and why is it happening so fast." theres NO buildup to this scene whatsoever. and then sora's attitude completely changes after that in a really weird way, like kairi is suddenly the Thing That Matters Most when he's never ever acted like one friend meant more to him than another. nomura if you revisited your damn games you'd know sora loves everyone intensely and indiscriminately. when everyone fucking "dies" in front of sora and he's following a light that he calls riku's name to and it turns out to be! surprise! it's kairi for some reason! when i think about it, it hurts a little but i don't know why. i like that she did actually find a way to protect him, but i dont like that it had to be this weird deus ex machina that has no explanation (is this part of kairi's unexplained powers? is this just a plot device?? who knows.)

dont FUCKING get me started on xemnas kidnapping kairi in front of sora and xehanort killing her in front of him in a scene that reduced my enjoyment of the game by a solid 25% because it's BULLSHIT and FRIDGING WOMEN FOR MANPAIN IS SO ORIGINAL AND NOT CHOCK-FULL O' MISOGYNY.

sora saying kairi's the reason for his whole journey is blatantly not true (ATTENTION NOMURA REVISIT YOUR FUCKING WRITING) so he should go look for her alone while riku is standing right fucking there and riku just. lets him go??? like kairi's not his friend too??? what the fuck??? the last scene where it pans up the paopu tree to kairi and sora holding hands and sora fades away while everyone else, including riku, is just having a good time???? what the fuck???? you know sora /would/ drop everything to go save a friend but i dont like that suddenly he acts like kairi outweighs every other person in his life simply because theres some romantic interest there. with someone he was never written to have an actual relationship with. in a game about friendship. and like, shipping aside, sora and riku have one of the most SOLID friendships ive seen in any media and riku just gets ejected out of his own damn trio because of a hamfisted romance AAAAA

in conclusion: Not My Destiny Trio

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[first-only]

Do you have any advice for somebody who wants to reveal the fact that they are problematic on their main, but is really scared to do so?

I want to just live my truth and not care anymore, but the thought of losing people who I thought were my friends, and the thought of receiving a lot of harassment, scares me a lot. It's not like I'm completely pure on my main, I mean my AO3 is literally filled with incest, but it is possible that a lot of people who follow me haven't caught on yet. I know I shouldn't care about anti's clout, but this is the only place where I actually get complements on my art (even if they're not that many) and it's hard to have to possibly say goodbye to those praises and interactions.

But I'm just tired. I have so much stuff I want to post, that I'm scared to. There's a big twincest Au I have, that I really want to draw and write for! But I've put it off for so long in fear of what people will think of me.

I know their opinions don't matter, and I do know a couple of my friends who are secretly just as problematic as me and wont leave. I just, I dunno, I'm scared, antis and current fandom scare me a lot

Sorry if this was a bit rambly

I dont really think the people who would harass and call you out are real friends. And honestly, i dont think their compliments really... matter? Like i understand that getting positive feedback on your art feels amazing, and im probably the minority in that, but honestly? I would rather get no response than compliments from people whose opinions dont matter to me, or i actively try to avoid seeing even a glimpse of their takes. How did that saying go.. dont take criticism from people who you wouldnt ask advice from?

As for being scared of negative attention, I just block liberally and either insta delete or troll-answer bait-y asks. I feel like the anti/harassment threat is.. a tiny bit overfeared by some people. Yes, of course some people get a lot of hate and bait but usually you get a few asks, block them, and never hear it again until you have to block someone else a month later and thats the last of it. Yes some people get a /lot/ of attention but they're usually popular or are targeted specifically by someone (often on personal accounts rather than just being internet randos to each other)

If you want to reveal that you dont buy into anti bullshit gently, i'd rec just reblogging a few anti-harassment posts. Then maybe a few of a ship thats on the edge of "problematic." Then maybe a popular think-about-it anti-purity culture post (gaud has one thats very well and gently put). I mean i guess thats the safest route to like.... serving it slowly and letting people jump ship at their level of comfort? I mean, personally i would just post them twins fucking and enjoy the idea of people outraging (with the finger on the block button lol) but if you're not comfortable with that, maybe a soft boil would be easier.

And please remember, anti side is /not/ the default. It's /not/ the majority. I would personally not even call it 'real' fandom, its just the like plato's allegory of the cave of fandom, where the normies (for lack of a better term) saw us having fun and decided to join but then try and trample on our culture.

If you post your art someone will like it. A lot of people will love it. There are many many of us freaks and fandom olds who would greatly enjoy to see you free of the mainstream idea of fandom and would love to follow you and have fun together. Even if you lose the antis you will gain the essentials and those bonds will be stronger and not hinge on not saying the 'wrong' word ever.

also like if you post that twincest tag me pls i love me some <3

[mestos]

3AM Ramblings

LMAO well

what you see above there is actually a wip image of a small comic lol, changed the way i draw alpha’s hair yet again but whatcha got to lose, sad part about the comic is that ill prolly never post it on tumblr (or at least, try not to) but itll be up on my pixiv since i’m basically trying to build a log to upload, and i didn’t draw enough over the past few months of m///apl/e due to school. i don’t feel right just uploading 2pics bc ik it could get disappointing opening a photoset and only seeing 2 pics lmaoOOOOOooooo 

trying really hard to get rid of my attention-seeking habits. a long time back, i never actually had a problem with it? like, i was attentionseeking but not to the unhealthy extent i am now. i think making an askblog really ruined me mentally as notes and notifs and numbers suddenly took a huge impact on me? back then, it was just something i observed from afar but now when ive felt the numbers myself thats when it started to get really bad. ive had a bunch of friends tell me off for this - and i’m well aware that skill =/= number of notes/notifs, but its still such a fucking struggle to get rid of the mindset. i still glance by this godforsaken website and all my blog lists wondering if its worth putting time and effort then feeling disappointed and depressed when i see a low number or whatever after I post, and logically speaking that ain’t cool for me to do but I still do it anyway. trying to refrain is going to be one of the methods i try to avoid it, but i just hope i don’t end up lapsing back into the shitty mindset once i do post things again.

aside from that, a lot of my loneliness really stemmed from having no one to scream about my things towards bc HA, i like screaming to someone who understands the feeling towards the media with enthusiasm, and i often wonder if i’m spamming my twitter - i am, no doubt about that - so i really do say sorry to all my mutuals lmao...although i’m in a Avoid M///a//p///l//e/S///////t///o//r//y At All Costs phase rn bc all that dumb game/franchise has ever brought me is salt, despair, bullshit, etc. my favourites are never noticed, i fucking despise freud x zero till i die and that’s all i ever goddamn see (yeah, i said it. i dont give a fuck) , and well. idk. i feel like my skill is so limited bc - even though i enjoy drawing my faves, i feel like its not bringing me anywhere with my improvement, so i’m trying new things/focusing more on my original works. drawing Tiaz is still technically related bc he is a franchise OC, but i dont really associate him with whatever salt bc most of what i associate him with is like, the completely insert-based material. really, his story just contains the lore and not so much the bullshit story that makes me angry in the first place, so i’m cool with that. i really like drawing asta/teria too, i did a vote with my twit account and im pretty pleased to know  that people really like them too?? my friend personally also said they’re her current faves out of my ocs so that makes me soooo so pleased (lbr, teria is super pretty and asta is swag). 

sometimes i really envy people. its weird, because i can do the same thing as them? its so simple. but for some reason i feel like, i can’t at the same time or the chance always escapes me? or that i feel overwhelmingly obnoxious the minute i do something simple like sending a message. i’m also really closed off because i’m highly selective of the things i like, which makes it even harder. plus bc a lot of the time i cater to myself more than others and since i do that im usually in a minority, which makes it more difficult for me to magnetize people towards me. i’m trying though!! i do strike up conversations when i see it... but i always suffer that ‘i can help. but i don’t know how.’ thought which limits me even more??? god, i’m always so hesitant. when i was faced in a situation where someone was suffering i immediately stepped in to help but i didn’t know what to do? i asked questions but i really wasnt- i really didnt know what i couldve done. eventually someone else stepped in with more experience and was able to settle the situation, but the feeling of ‘i couldve helped but i didn’t know how’ just really stuck with me. i feel like i lack the maturity and independence to go out but i’m confused on how to change that? bc those things are built with experience, which means i need to go out and get some experience, but that’s easier said than done lol. i do feel like, sure, one thing i can do to get closer with people is listen to them and ha, i do that! anytime someone needs it, i’m willing to lend an ear or time. but what i do notice is that, while someone needs someone else to listen they also need guidance or advice. i’m aware i cant change the fact that i’m inexperienced in so much that i can’t offer any words of wisdom, but there it is again, the ‘i can help but i don’t know how’ feeling. i don’t want to say shit and i always have felt like ‘you’re saying shit they’ve heard before and you’re just making it worse’ whenever i try to say something reassuring. so i...i really envy people who can step in and create new bonds without these types of thoughts holding them back. i’m trying to get rid of them as best as i could because they sound like excuses don’t they? it sounds like i’ve come up with reasons to avoid interacting with new people. ha, that’s really not the case though...

wow this is long. it is late. i should sleep. did not want to overload my twit with a dumb threat so long ass tumblr post it is.

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.