#im literally about to start crying at 1:30am

[wolvisms]

okay so the essay has (obviously) been completed and submitted but apparently i’ve lost the ability to write anything fictional and i’m really upset about it

also. cannot wait to finish this stupid essay (it’s due tomorrow and i still have yet to start it💅🏽) and actually try to start writing fics and stuff. i’ve missed writing sooooo much

[ashstar1111]

babysitting storytime?? not a good one tho lol

its kinda long so be aware. also, sorry for any spelling/grammer mistakes, english isnt my first language.

ok so BACKROUND: theres this couple + two daughters (7 and 5 y/o) who lives two floors below me & my family, and both the parents had to work and they needed someonw to watch their girls from 8am to almost 5pm (so about 9h). 

Usually my little sis babysits for them but she had plans + she didnt feel like shes ready to babysit for so long (its the first family shes babysitting for), so she offered me the job. and me, being me, took it without thinking twice (spoiler alart, BIG MISTAKE).

so i wake up in the morning and i feel really ill, i almost threw up a few times and my stomach really hurts, but i dont have much time to worry about it so i suck it up like a big kid, drink my coffe, take the dog for a walk, come home, finish my coffe, and go to their house. 

so, get to these girls apartment at 8am sharp, and everything is fine for the first few hours, they’re snacking some chips and drinking WAY to much chocolate milk, as well as watching wired youtubes on the tv, they were honestly very well behaved at the begining tbh, so i just let them be. 

at like 11:30am they started being hungry and they asked me for some fruites, so i was like “okay :)” and went to cut some fruites and stuff for them. i cut them a peach and washed them two different types of grapes, put it all on a plate and brought it to them.

then, they said they want corn schnitzel and i was like, “okay, well you can eat the fruites while i make u some” and went to the kitchen. what i didnt know was that they were starting to play with the fruits instead of eating them, so i came back to find the grapes, still uneaten, but covered in green liquid sope (???), and one (1) pice of peach was eaten. thats it. no girls.

at this point its about 12:45pm and they’re not in the living room where i left them. why? because APPARENTALLY, they decided that braking into their parents room (which was locked, btw, dont ask me how tf they got in) to steal some Mentos, was the best thing to do after murdering fruites.

i caught them right before they found the Mentos, and brought them to the dining table to eat the schnitzel they asked for. after they ate they decided to play a game called “trying to get into mom and dad’s room to steal stuff”, and i had to literally STAND AND GAURD THE DOOR TO MAKE SURE THEY WERENT STEALING SHIT. 

then, as they relized that I was the main problem, they decided to start trowing things at me. moestly shoes and crayons and markers and dolls. i asked them to stop multipul times and tryed to talk to them like big girls, until they decided to take it one step forwared, and throw a PAIR OF SCISSURES directly at me. 

it didnt hit me bc i moved, and then i yelled at them that they’re not supposed to be throwing sharp stuff like that, especially not at people. they didnt give TWO SHITS, and their way of showing me that was to throw the scissures at me AGAIN.

at that point i kinda gave up, maybe bc i was tired, maybe bc i was feeling kinda ill, maybe bc i was hungry, or maybe bc ive had enough stuff thrown at me a this point. fuck knows, the point is, i fucking had it.

i got away from the door and yelled at them that i hope they treat the next babysitter to watch them better than that (bc FUCK IT im not going back in there, especially not for enother 9 fucking houres.) and that ill be telling their mom everything. 

they obviusly were like “yeah we dont really care”. and when im telling u i was so close to snapping, i mean i was SO FUCKING CLOSE. so, i did what every reasonable adult would have done, and i sat on the couch in the living room and had a silent meltdown while the girls i was supposed to be watching were stealing cendy from their parents :).

after about 15 muinets (so it was about 2pm) of silently crying, they came to apologize to me, but i was so fucking angry (i still am and its 10pm) that all i did was telling them that i dont want their apology, and again, that i hope they would treat the next babysitter better, and then i got up and went to the kitchen floor to text heir mom.

long story short: their mom called me and scolded them that it wasnt ok and shit, but im still angry (both that they think they have the right to throw a pair of scissures at me, and that they actually made me scared. the rest of the babysitting they behaved and shit so i hid in the bathroom, bc i was shaking (im still a bit shaky for some reason) and honestly i didnt feel like i could face them).

[unimportantweirdo]

aw fuck i've made myself smad

[gandalf-theslay]

I cant believe I gave up the best relationship I ever had, for this

What the fuck was I thinking??

[firstknightss]

GWAINCELOT ESSAY THREE???

[commentary voice] ah yes and this gwaincelot essay.... which turned into a fic was inspired by @nextstopparis and @little-ligi

GWAINE TEACHING LANCELOT HOW TO READ. and thats how they actually CONFESS.

imagine gwaine seeing lancelot trip up reading leon’s plan for the day, seeing him trying to understand it. and gwaines, hes a little in love. Hes. Hes a little hit with feelings for this Noble (tm) knight. So OF COURSE he CANT EMOTION and he tries to show his affection for lancelot without yknow being in ‘loVE’

he comes over with his swishy hair and bantery tone like “oooOhHh LANCELOT! Lancey! Hey! Hello! Can’t read leon’s goddamn awful handwriting huh?”

And Lancelots embarrassed and flushes red and gwaine thinks hes Fucked Up (and he really doesn’t want to fuck this up, this is the first time he’s actually felt emotions this deep for someone) and tries to fix it panickedly, like the Anxiety Clown He Is.

He keeps on saying sorry and apologising, and Lancelot, the EVER CALM KNIGHT GUY, goes “it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s nothing to do with you...” and then he hesitates. He HESITATES. “....it’s just that...” and then he BITES HIS LIP and gwaine thinks he might just faint there and then, “...i cant read.”

and now it hits him, gwaine, gwaine, who thought literacy was something trash and something he didn’t really need, realises how important it is. and so, yknow because hes kind of wrapped in those Emotions (tm), he pulls lancelot’s sleeve after practice, when they’re alone in the changing room. (and if lancelot wasn’t so tired and miserable, he would have easily seen gwaine BLUSH)

And he, shyly asks if lancelot wouldnt mind being tutored by him.

Now Lancelot is OVERJOYED, and he’s borderline CRYING because lancelot, poor old village boy lancelot who’d been kicked out of the knights of camelot, and had to become a MERCENARY and fight for masters who didn’t care for him, has NEVER HAD someone literally CARE about him so much. (Apart from Merlin. He loves merlin <3)

so now imagine lancelot waking up an hour early the next morning, and showing up into gwaine’s room. He knows gwaine literally doesnt sleep with a lock, so he just barges in, and starts shaking gwaine.

Now GWAINE sleeps like a Log (had so much shit going on irl, time to sleep it away) and when he opens his bleary eyes, seeing lancelot in one of his stupid v neck shirts over him, hes like “....h...helo??”

and lancelot’s all like. “We- werent YOU gonna give me reading lessons.” And gwaine nods, yawning (and in that moment lancelot thinks gwaine looks unimaginably cute, so cute that he wants to literally ruffle gwaine’s hair and run his hands through how silky and brown it is.)

THEN gwaine pulls on the dont care-ish mask, and makes his arms into a pillow under his head, as he leans against the wall behind his bed, in some kind of somewhat???flirty??? manner??? [i dont...i dont know what hes trying to do. On the other hand! Not does Lancelot :) ]

Lancelot, does not realise this is gwaine’s poor attempt at flirting - since he’s seen gwaine ACTUALLY flirting and this is like. Nothing. And its also poorly executed. Which is NOTHING like gwaine.

So he pulls gwaine’s arm, and half hauls him out of bed.

As gwaine’s head crashes into lancelot’s stomach, he can smell lancelot’s clothes. They smell of flowers, and cotton and everything so natural and gwaine, who literally smells of wine, and wood and Tavern. (And aftershave, or the 500AD equivalent)

[see here, see im trying to bring themes of dionysis okay. OkayyyyyyyyY. yours truly likes looking at greek mythology. And both these two complete dionysis]

Gwaine, in his sleepy stupor, nestles his head on Lancelot’s hip, who gives a sigh and stands there. One hand clutching gwaine’s, leaving the other free.....

....to rake through his soft, flowy brown hair. And twirl his fingers through its waves, and Gwaine cuddles in further.

And since Lancelot left the door open, Leon (the other bitch who wakes up at 4am to do idk nothing) sees them two...like that, illuminated by the SUNLIGHT behind them, and smiles a little.

And then he trips over the stairs, the moment is lost.

Gwaine and Lancelot pull away at the same time, and gwaine’s face turns back to “ha ha im a Jerk (tm)” and if he wasnt too busy trying to hide how flustered he was, he’d see Lancelot looking at him the way he used to look at GWEN.

They both blink and look at each other, understandingly, neither of them to speak of this again.

And then Gwaine drags himself out of bed, and Lancelot raises his eyebrows as he watches him (totally not checking him out) haul out a book from his cupboard.

Gwaine’s too sleepy for this, he keeps yawning and rubbing his eyes (looking like a cat, Lancelot notes) and Lancelot takes a deep breath, his eyes understanding.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“Lancelot, I love..” he bites his tongue, cursing his half asleep mind “..doing this, and love hanging out with you...I just cant stay up this early.”

Reading lessons, from now on, are at 1:30am-whenever Gwaine and Lancelot stop rambling about Odysseus and Circe and Telemachus

[i dont know any other ancient books apart from like. Ancient greek/Roman ones. So i guess. Its not historically accurate,,,,BUUIT this is a fanfic for a pair who had like no scenes together SO i think i can take some ✨creative liberties✨]

Lancelot has heard of the journey of Aneas from travelling bards, singing songs in his native old english. Gwaine’s eyes are quick at latin, and he learnt the flaws of Romulus and Remus in his pure latin. Gwaine’s a good teacher, and lancelot is a quick study, and it’s not long before they’re arguing over which Goddess caused the most harm in the Illiad.

Gwaine’s never met someone who he could reveal that he loved reading to, he loved doing.

Lancelot’s never met someone who he could tell he couldn’t read, and ask if they could teach him, love learning.

They make it work.

The other knights notice, of course they notice. Percival notices how Lancelot stumbles into the Gwaine’s room at night, bright eyed. Elyan notices Lancelot and Gwaine’s voices from Gwaine’s room opposite him; sometimes slow, Gwaine speaking slowly and Lancelot following; sometimes heated and passionate.

(They’re arguing. They’re arguing about how to pronounce Minerva)

Merlin finds the two, in the early hours of the morning - when the birds are figuring what song they sing today - on Gwaine’s bed.

Gwaine leaned against the bedframe, his trousered legs splayed over the sheets. Loosely braided, long brown hair fell over his closed eyelids, his mouth in a small smile.

And Merlin follows his arm draped over Lancelot, snuggled beside him, his head on his broad shoulder, every breath of wind pushing against curly black hair, making it almost /bounce/. His eyes are covered by the other man’s hair, and he looks...content. More content than Merlin has ever seen him.

He slips out as quietly as he came in, and smirks, hes gotta tell arthur they finally got their shit together oh GOD

Its no surprise to anyone but them, when Arthur pulls Lancelot out of training, and into his chambers.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone Lancelot.” He starts, his face geniune, his voice giving away hints of relief. (He thought he was never going to see his knight smile again after all the ordeals that had happened to him)

“Oh...” Lancelot’s heart sinks, “...how did you find out, Sire?”

Arthur blinks, taking in the change of mood in Lancelot, maybe it wasn’t anything important, maybe they were trying to keep it casual, hell they didnt want the king knowing.

“I- uh, I just noticed...” Goddamnit Merlin, and Goddamn his need to tell him everything he saw. (Merlin had advised him not to do this, as they sat on his bed after a long night. This was really his fault.)

Lancelot pales, and he places his hands down on the table beside him, palms slapping stone as he did so.

“Well, I guess I should tell you the whole truth then,” his voice is quiet, and Arthur steps closer, “Sire I am not of Noble birth, and was born in a village - as you know.”

Arthur nods, his arms crossed, but his Kingly Bravado fell away at the sight of his knight, and one of his closest friends, being this vulnerable.

“Yes I know, but what does this ha-“

“And we children in the village we-“ he falters, “-we were never taught to read.”

“Yes, no I understand, I-“ he pauses, Lancelot’s words hitting him a bit too late, this was about literacy?

This, this whole conversation was about literacy?

Not being gay?

Merlin was going to have a field day

“Sire?”

“I understand Lancelot, and is this why you feel a little out of place with the other knights?” He carries it on, with a smile, he has a few questions to ask merlin.

“Yes, and that’s why I asked Gwaine to tutor me from time to time, although, the sessions carry through late into the night, which may have been affecting my performance at practice. I’ll have you know that this is a temporary th-“

“It’s fine Lancelot,” Arthur places a hand on his shoulder, “You are still exceptional at practice,”

“Thank you Sire,” Lancelot twinkles.

✨

“Theyre, theyre not together?” Merlin cant stop laughing, tears streaming down his face, “theyre not TOGETHER?? oh my God arthur what did you DO”

They sit together on Arthur’s bed, drinking wine from stemless cups together, with Arthur recounting the events of the day; red faced.

“I mean, it was your idea Merlin.”

“I just saw them, and I assumed...I didnt...I didnt think youd ASK them.”

“What do you think I’d do then?? Let them be on their merry way.”

“Yes!”

✨

“Do you like me?” Gwaine asks, unexpectedly, one night, the moon vibrant against the loud sea.

“You’re...tolerable...” Lancelot says, a smile tugging at his lips, as the silver moonlight falls against his hair, a halo around him.

✨

The knights give them the look every morning, as the two of them stumbled out of the same room, more frequently than ever.

Sometimes Lancelot would throw on Gwaine’s shirt, when he’d crumpled his own beyond repair. Sometimes Gwaine would put some of Lancelot’s hair oil on, when his hair was frizzy.

They gave each other knowing looks when Gwaine and Lancelot started whispering and giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.

✨

And then Stupid gwaine had to go get fucking stabbed, and their delicate dance was like trying to waltz through a minefield.

Lancelot clutches onto Gwaine’s arm as Merlin feels his forehead with shaking hands.

“He’s burning up.”

“Infection...?” Lancelot sounds broken, and nods, fumbling with his pack to find some bandages.

It was just a simple quest; a save the day, get the girl, do various harmless shenanigans type of quest.

He’d half expected Gwaine to get the girl, and he cant help but give out a half choked laugh. Gwaine had no idea what hit him when she turned out to be the evil one all along.

He tries to forget that Gwaine showed no interest in her, he tries to forget that Gwaine’s been less frequent at the Tavern, he tries to forget that he hasn’t seen Gwaine with anyone since months now.

Gwaine, his beautiful Gwaine was lying on his lap, hot red blood rushing from his side, staining his polished chainmail with dark, sticky blood.

He’s been out for nearly an hour now, and Lancelot remembers carrying him, through the entire forest, forgetting his sword and his helmet and just grabbing Gwaine and getting the shit out of there.

Gwaine’s lack of self preservation was really rubbing off on Lancelot nowadays.

Merlin watches as Lancelot holds back tears, his own eyes stinging. Gwaine can’t die like this, he can’t die like this....

“hælan beorn adl”

Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and Lancelot could feel warmth coming back into the fingers he was grabbing.

He was coming back.

And then the weight of everything hits him.

He was in Fucking Love.

✨

“Hey.” Gwaine’s voice is rough from disuse, but Lancelot nearly sobs when he hears the voice.

“Don’t fucking do that to me again, amor meus.” He puts his head down on Gwaine’s chest; finding the hammering of his heart calming.

He shimmies onto Merlin’s bed, which Gwaine had been lying in for the past few days.

“Did you mean, ami meus?” Gwaine sounds tired, too tired to be awake.

“Huh? Did i say something else?” Lancelot decides to play dumb, a sparkle in his eyes,

“I thought I heard amor meus,” Gwaine pushes his nose into Lancelot’s hair, taking in the wonderful smell of coconut.

“Well then, at least your hearing’s okay, amor meus.”

Gwaine gulped, and was sure Lancelot could hear his loud swallow.

“Lancelot, I hope this isnt a big joke with me teachin you latin and all,” Gwaine’s voice is a little wobbly from the slee deprivation and the magic and the pain numbers, “because I’ll have you know that I really love you, and I cant go on like this any longer,”

“Its okay Gwaine, I learnt latin from the man I love, of course it’s not a joke.”

“The man you love? Who’s tha-“

Realisation hits him like a brick.

Oh.

Oh.

“Me?” His voice cracks, and Lancelot looks up, a smirk on his face.

“Of course dumbass.”

“Like I’m meant to know that,” Gwaine tries to keep his dont care-ish aura, but they both know he’s too exhausted to keep that up.

“mmm?”

Gwaine kisses him on the nose, and he wraps himself around him.

And thats how Merlin finds them later that day, eyes blinking as he stood there.

✨

“I’m glad you’ve found someone, Lancelot.” Arthur coughs.

“Is that what that whole talk was about???”

“Answer the question.” His words sound harsh, but he’s barely hiding a smile.

“I’m glad too, I’m Glad I found Gwaine too.” Lancelot blushes, turning to gwaine.

“Why are you asking anyway, Princess?”

“Oh just, making sure this time.”

[yntcdtyler]

so here’s my lover secret session’s story... 02/08/2019 london 🏹🇬🇧

i got my dm on twitter on july 16th at 5:15pm and i looked at it thinking someone was trying to boo boo the fool me and it was really gonna say something like “stream ME!” so i opened it not thinking much of it and my heart literally SANK when i saw it was actually REAL. i got the phone call 4 days after from a girl called sara who was from Taylor Nation, she told me everything and i was literally in the storage room in work crying.

so it’s finally august 2nd.. i got up at 5am cause i literally had 4 different trains and 2 ubers to catch, when i finally got to my hotel it was around 11am, i checked in and got ready and went to the meeting point. i was literally the first one there so i panicked thinking i was at the wrong place but more people started to show up and immediately everyone formed little friendship groups who they seemed to have stayed with the whole day which was insane. i met lisa and emma which i’d recognised from twitter because we’d been following each other for so long and then georgia, evie & shiv all came over and we all just bonded and instantly became friends and realised we we’re the brits of the group, there were SO many international fans and it was amazing seeing people come from all over the world! our group was first on the bus and i’m not sure why but we were literally all crying like wtf was going on?? we drove past a few ambulances thinking ‘that’s gonna be our ride home after tonight’ cause at this point i’m like dying and then we finally got to THE HOUSE.

we all go inside, the ME! playlist was on, there was a huge moose head on the wall which we all became really intrigued by, a huge mirror to see ourselves ugly crying, there was food & drinks and little m&m’s with ‘lover’ and hearts on them and i have no idea what was going on in my mind at this point, like i didn’t know what to expect.

so then we all go to the living room we’re there was a bunch of cushions on the floor and a chair and speakers in front of us and i KNEW what was about to go down lads, it’s about to happen, we’re about to hear lover and i just wasn’t ready and i was sat THERE in front of the chair and a few minutes later... SHE COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THIS DOOR LOOKING LIKE LIKE AN ACTUAL GODDESS THAT JUST STEPPED OUT OF HEAVEN AND I DEAD ASS DIED RIGHT THERE THINKING ABOUT THAT AMBULANCE I SAW EARLIER ON CAUSE SHE JUST WASNT REAL. so she’s like “welcome to the lover secret sessions” and the noise that came out me was actually not human at all. she played half the album the first and kept apologising for ranting and going off topic which was so funny, she’s so adorable i was literally in awe. then was like “we’re gonna take a break so you can all go the bathroom, have a drink and stretch your legs” and then mentions she’s made us treats and everyone’s like OMG and she’s literally like “it’s just rice crispy treats i dyed in heart shapes” and it was just the funniest thing bc she’s just so sarcastic but they were the cutest things and just knowing she spent time making them was honestly insane. like i ate a rice crispy heart treat..made by taylor swift? sounds fake. so then as she’s passing them around, she’s goes into the garden and starts talking to everyone and thanking people’s parents and let everyone on her trampoline and just shouts “THESE ARE MY KIDS” with a glass of wine in her hand and it was such a taylor swift moment. it was just surreal like wtf? imagine bouncing on taylor swifts trampoline? i would’ve went on it but i wasn’t about to break my neck before listening to the rest of the album x

okay so we go back in to listen to the rest of the album and throughout the whole album listening part, i just kept crying and she kept looking at me and smiling and singing and i was just bloody in shock. there was one point during a song we’re me and georgia we’re holding onto each other crying and she just looks at us and tilts her head and gives us the most warming smile. right there we both died together it was unreal. but the album HOLY SHIT every song was INSANE. i found it so hard to pick a favourite so i have 3, this album is literally her BEST, and this coming from a speak now stan🤝 i was just the happiest i’ve ever been, it just seemed like a dream. seeing her sat there in front of me so happy and in such a good place, feeling so proud of this album and these songs just made my heart feel so full. what i was feeling in that moment is unexplainable. just pure happiness like i knew life doesn’t get any better than this... right it’s time for the meet and greets and everyone goes back in to the other room whilst they got ready and people started queuing then to go in and meet her, she spent so much time with every single person and seeing everyone’s faces coming out that room was so magical. the event was supposed to be over at 11pm and it’s literally 1:30am when it was my time to meet her. she’d literally been meeting people for HOURS and is 2 and half hours past the end time and she didn’t even mind. everyone was so eager to go inside that me and the girls decided to wait till the end.

so evie had just come out and now it’s my turn. i almost fainted, i was so dizzy and nervous and WHEN I TELL U I WAS PETRIFIED TO GO INSIDE, I ACTUALLY MEAN IT BECAUSE I WAS STOOD OUTSIDE THE DOOR REFUSING TO GO IN FOR ABOUT A MINUTE CAUSE I COULD JUST SEE HER STOOD THERE AND I WASN’T READY BECAUSE LIKE I’VE DREAMT ABOUT THIS MOMENT SINCE FOREVER. emma and lisa we’re stood there laughing trying to force me inside as well as a girl from TN. took me a good minute but i finally walked in, i walk over to her trying not to cry AGAIN and she’s stood there smiling at me and she says to me “it’s tyler isn’t it?” and i was like JDJSKDJD “yeah 😭😭😭😭” cause i didn’t think she knew who i was and i was just randomly picked by TN??? she then pulled me in for the biggest hug and i just felt like this is it, i’m gonna bloody pass out. I TOLD HER THAT WAITING IN THAT QUEUE TO MEET HER WAS LIKE WAITING FOR THE ELECTRIC CHAIR and i was like why tf did i just say that omg but she laughed and was like “omg hahaha it’s like waiting for the electric chair that’s so funny” then i gave her the lover necklace i’d gotten made for her so we had matching and she kept saying how much she loved and how beautiful it was. then said “i love your necklace” with a little smirk because i was wearing her ‘TS’ initial necklace and my heart just went HDAJHDJDDH. then she asked did i enjoy the day and i was like of course??? it was so amazing i couldn’t stop crying and she was like “aw i had so much fun, i love doing these” and then she asked how i’d gotten here and i told her that i had to take 4 trains and she looked so shocked and thanked me for doing that and asked if i was travelling afterwards and i told her i had a hotel and she goes “omg good, PLEASE don’t talk to any strangers” and i’m just like YEAH OF COURSE ANYTHING FOR U MISS SWIFT :’)))) i hugged her about 3 more times and i asked her about tour, and how she found me and she said she’d found me on tumblr and literally said “its tylovestaylor right?” and i was just like WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. IM SCARED. cause i barely use tumblr because i’m the only one who reblogs myself??? and i’d gotten my dm on twitter so my mind was like wtf is going on right now?? i told her i changed my url and she said she’d follow me 🥺 then says “so do you wanna like... take a picture together or something?” YEAH OF COURSE, IM A BIT OF A MESS RN BUT ABSOLUTELY. she asks what i wanted to do for the photo like stand, sit, go near the piano? and i told her to choose because my mind was just all over the place and she says to me “i think one sitting down with our legs crossed over acting all (then does some pose) and stuff” i just couldn’t believe what was actually happening. we sit down next to each other and she grabs my hand and i’m just holding her and the photographer takes the photo and she tells me to have a look to see if i like it and i said i looked so bad and she goes “ITS SO CUTE, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND PHOTOGENIC” then the photographer told me i was really photogenic and tay goes “SEE SHE EVEN SAID IT” did taylor swift..who invented photos and beauty... just call me beautiful and photogenic? surely not. so we took one more pic and she said she loved it so i loved it😭😭😭 we got up and hugged again and i just kept saying i love you and she told me i was beautiful and i was like SO ARE U???? and then i told her that i still don’t believe she’s real and she laughed. we hugged again i told her i loved her as i was walking out she shouts “please get home safely” and i said “have a safe flight wherever you’re going next” at the same time and she laughed and was like “OMG THANKYOU?” and i walked out and the emotions i was going through oh my god. i’d just met my favourite person in the entire world? like never in a million years did i think i’d ever meet her let alone get handpicked for secret sessions. i was in so much shock like it wasn’t real. that never happened? i’m still in shock now and literally crying writing this. she was so lovely and welcoming and spoke to me like she’d known me forever.

AND AFTER ALL THAT, SHE DECIDES SHE WANTS ME LITERALLY DEAD AND LIKES MY POST ON HERE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. RIGHT AFTER I’D MET HER.

i couldn’t get over how beautiful she is, inside and out like i already knew that but seeing her in real life is so different, she’s literally flawless and so cute and delicate and i’ll literally die for this woman. thankyou so much, from the bottom of my heart @taylorswift for choosing me out of 100m+ fans, i’ll never understand why i was chosen but i can’t explain how grateful i am. it was by far the best day i’ve ever had in my 18 years of being alive, nothing will ever come close to that moment. i cant wait for everyone else to hear this album, i miss you and your hugs already and i forgot to tell you because my mind was blank but i’m insanely proud of you and will support you forever. promise.

[lokibannerpool]

Update on the Mun

so i have been lurking on here for a while, not really doing any drafts or replies. I’m not abandoning this blog and these muses, I just haven’t had the motivation lately to be active on this account. I have been active on my other blogs for the most part. you can find me on @forcedintoperfection @thevirginandthefool @worldsfastestpredator @strongestcullen  @zorii-unknown and/or @brokenprincessofasgard  

Now for the shitstorm that is my life right now.

If you’re basically homeless and you know it clap your hands  *clap clap*

So we (by we I mean my mom, little brother and I) finally got evicted for reals like around Feburary-ish. My mom’s bright idea for temporary living was to move in with the worst person possible, her crazy ass aunt (on my grandpa’s side). 

Not only was the move stressful, but living here is terrible, and most of that is because my mother’s aunt (i have disowned her so no she’s not my great aunt) is doing everything in her power to make us feel unwelcome. Before I go into details, let me point out that my brother refused to come stay here because he has never felt welcome in this house, so he’s staying with family from our grandmother’s side (still crazy, but slightly more reasonable). And although I technically still have a room there, I did not stay because they hate animals and the great aunt that lives there once told me that if she could make it up the stairs to our old apartment she’d kill my cats. Later she denied it, but yeah... that’s the kind of crazy on that side’ of the family.

I was going to take my cats and live in a hotel from paycheck to paycheck. i had done the math and i could afford 7 days from one paycheck if i literally didn’t buy anything else, and the hotel had free breakfast i didn’t have to worry about food at least if i could save some of the breakfast for lunch then probably do dinner at a family member’s house. (yeah not the best plan but for me if I’m giving up my cats to a shelter I’m giving up on life. plus hotel accepted animals and was legit cheaper than a putting them in a pet hotel which would have been 22 a night per cat... i have 5 cats and a part time job) BUT low and behold my mother pulls some strings with the aunt (only after catching me crying on eviction day because I didn’t know what to do with my babies) and suddenly I can keep the cats as long as they stay in the basement. Not ideal, but more affordable for me so I take it.

Now back to the hell house I’m trapped in.

1) It took a while to move everything in, but I think we were almost full settled in by a Friday or Saturday night. On the Monday (which was like day 3 of living there) my mother’s aunt not only called me repeatedly on my phone, she kept yelling my name from the first floor. When I finally become conscious enough to go see what she wants, she is telling me that I sleep too much, It’s ridiculous how much I sleep, I need to go get a job, I’m not going to sleep my life away in HER house, yada yada, then she goes on about how by my age she was living on her own and paying off her own car (both were confirmed to be lies by sources that were alive at that time. crazy bitch was still sleeping in the bed with her mother at 22).. Now maybe you think that’s not so bad? but I forgot to mention one little detail. 

It was only 8:10 AM  and I had class at 10 am.

My alarm clock was literally set to go off 20 minutes from that time. Not only was it early as fuck, but I had a class to go to so it wasn’t like i was going to be staying in the house all day. SHE KNEW I HAD CLASS, THAT WAS WHAT PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. I had literally been discussing my classes with her for weeks prior to even moving in with her. Another thing that interested me was how she conveniently waited until my mother had left to start harassing me. anyway, so i get dressed because im mad as hell by this point, and i get ready to leave in under 15 minutes so we’re around 8:30am by this point. When I get downstairs she is demanding that I come into her room, and against my better judgement I do but I’m in no mood to talk. She takes one look at my face and asks me “why are you pissed off?”  As if she didn’t know why. I don’t want to curse her out because I wasn’t raised to do things like that so i keep my mouth shut. She keeps trying to get me to talk, and at this point angry tears that I have been trying so hard to hold back are falling and she tells me I’m being dramatic and I’m over reacting. I tell her I have to go to class more than once and she’s still demanding that I sit and talk with her, so I just walk out.    She calls my phone more than once but I don’t answer because I am a) driving and b) still mad as hell. she leaves voicemails. 1 saying that im being overreacting and stuff. the second comes a few hours later with a fake apology after she apparently talked to my mother. I later find out that she lied to my mom and told her that she forgot I had school, yet when I was not trying to talk to her she was telling me i had 2 hours before i had to be in class.. so yeah and that was only the start of day 3 of living there.

2) Fast forward a few days because in this family, we apparently just go on like nothing happened after conflicts like this. My mom comes to me in the morning and warns me that the aunt had threatened to call the human society to take my cats away because I ‘don’t spend enough time with them’. Which pissed off my mom as much as me because she’s seen what I’ve done for these cats in the past 2 years. (especially with Brenda, who is a rescue stray I took in after she was covered in tape by strangers and either dropped at our door or she limped her way up the stairs to us for help, and the two litters of kittens she had in our apartment) 

The aunt confronts me about this after I come down to feed them by asking me “do you really want the cats” and then telling me not to get an attitude when I say “of course I do” rather defensively. She tells me the b.s. she told my mom to which i point out that we literally just got here, i have classes 5 days a week and work 7 days a week. Plus, she’s usually sleep when I come in after work so she doesn’t see me dragging my aching body (still sore from doing the brunt of the moving) down to the basement to replace the food and water and spend time with them before I go to bed and I would literally be sleeping down there if it wasn’t for my mom nagging me about my health (which tbh comes second to the cats in my opinion but she disagrees). She doesn’t seem all that convinced, and my anxiety was through the roof for the longest because i wasn’t sure if i was going to come back to a cat-less basement after work. 

My therapist has been having an earful btw. Literally the week before I knew we were being evicted I spent most of a session trying to find something to talk to her about and now I have at least one new problem ever week. 

3) This woman has no respect for me or my mother. She’s verbally attacked my mother and berated her more than once. (today included) and at one point accused my mom of using her father for money(who died only 2 years prior, and who is the only one who took responsibility for making all the funeral arrangements and is still struggling to pay that bill because no one else wanted to help). This is sidetracking a little, but my mom did a lot for my grandfather. Brought his medical supplies with a loan she had taken out from her job, literally came to wash him up multiple times because his in house nurse wasn’t doing it, and pretty much ran every errand he asked for her and if she couldn’t do it she had me do it for her... so yeah to say she was using him was really fucked up and it really hurt my mom.

3.5) One morning (last week) i literally caught her and her ‘tenant’ (aka her brother’s ex girlfriend who he left for his wife 2 years ago and refuses to leave his family’s home) talking shit about me and my mom. How we’re dirty,  my mom walks too loud, complaining about us having mini conversations late at night (which only happened once), calling my mom fat, and saying that she’s not  ‘dainty’ and ‘feminine’ enough and they don’t know how she kept a man for so long... really just talking trash while im standing at the top of the stairs listening. I wait until they finish to say anything and they’re not even ashamed or apologetic. The aunt literally says “good. now you can tell your mom what i said” after  i said i heard just about all of it. She seemed offended when I refused to be her messenger. She then tried to talk shit about my mom to me, going as far to tell me that my mother a ‘fat slob’. And because I don’t want to be kicked out before we find a place, I have to bite my tongue and just walk away while she purposely baits me and tells me to ‘speak my mind’. 

There is so much more I could write about, like how she (a woman who has never had a cat in her life) is always telling me how to take care of my cats like I don’t know what I’m doing, yet she’s basing this all off the dog she had (but didn’t really want or take care of) over 10 years ago.  Or how she likes to try to provoke me or my mom (but mostly me because I’m the easier target I guess) whenever she’s bored. The fact that she forced cable boxes on us, then demanded my mom pay her $400 for the installation of the cable despite us both making it very clear we didn’t want it. How she’s always trying to say someone is trying to use her as if my mom isn’t paying $800 a month for two little ass rooms and a bathroom/kitchen we have to share with two other people And sooo much more. 

I’ve ended up self harming for the first time in about two-ish years while staying here. My suicidal thoughts are  happening very often and honestly I’ve turned to drinking my feelings away when I’m not cutting them away. I’ve literally been so stressed that my period disappeared for like 3 months (no im not pregnant. gotta be sexually active to get pregnant so yes its stress) and I’m pretty sure I’m developing some sort of repressed anger issues that I should probably mention to my therapist but I keep forgetting. 

So that’s pretty much what’s been going on in my life lately. 

And I don’t know how to end this so... there

[shelbywanders]

My Labor & Delivery Story!

I had plans to get induced on Oct 24th, 2018. I was 39 weeks and 1 day and so ready for our little girl to be here. I was over being pregnant, I had been since like 20 weeks. I had morning sickness (more like all day sickness) all the way up until the day I gave birth. I had gestational diabetes, so I had to watch everything that I ate, and I had NST’s (non-stress tests) 2x a week for almost 10 weeks. I also had issues with my blood pressure, but thankfully it never progressed into preeclampsia. Needless to say, I was counting down the hours until my induction. 

We arrived at 7am. We got to our room, and I got into my lovely hospital gown, and we started the admissions process. Nothing really happened for the first hour, we just signed a bunch of papers and talked about the induction process. 

At 8:30am, I was 4cm dilated & 50% effaced. My doctor stripped my membranes in hopes to get the ball rolling on my own before even starting the Pitocin. At 9:15am, Cervidil (a pill that helps dilate the cervix) was inserted. I had to wait an hour for the pill to dissolve before doing anything, but once the hour was up, I was able to walk around finally. We circled the maternity floor countless times. My little brothers walked with me and had fun flirting with all the cute nurses! 

About an hour after walking around, we go back into our room and they started me on Pitocin around 2pm. I was 5 cm dilated after walking around! Shortly after I started having minor contractions but I couldn’t feel them much at first. It just felt like tightening in my back but it wasn’t painful yet. Around 3 I was checked again, and I was 6cm dilated now. She decided to break my water to get things going. After having my water broken, she noticed that Adeline’s head wasn’t fully facing down, so I got to have some fun laying on my side with the peanut ball to try to get her to turn all the way down. About an hour passed and my contractions started to get intense. I wasn’t getting any relief from them, they just kept coming and coming. On top of all that I had the shakes bad! Nobody warned me that this was common. I couldn’t stop shivering. I finally decided that it was time for the epidural, so they called the anesthesiologist.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

The anesthesiologist came in and explained to me what he was going to do and that it shouldn’t take but a few minutes. I had to sit up at the edge of the bed and stay still. He starts to put the numbing agent in and all is fine. Then, as he’s doing what he’s doing, I realize that it’s taking him a long time. He told me he was going to have to move up a spot because my ligaments are thick and he couldn’t get the catheter in. I suddenly got this intense pressure build up from my back up into my neck and into my brain. It basically felt like my head was going to explode. I could hear liquid in my ears as well. I screamed out to him to stop because I knew this wasn’t normal and it hurt like hell. I explained to him what happened, but he was dumbfounded. Now I’m crying because I’m in a tremendous amount of pain and I’m freaked out because I feel like he just messed something up. It’s been almost 30 minutes now, and I still have to sit still through intense contractions. He finally gets it in and I’m able to have some relief for a couple of hours. It was a terrible experience and to this day I am having issues with having headaches. I actually have an MRI and MRA scheduled tomorrow in hopes we can figure out what is wrong. It’s been four months of having these daily headaches, and I am just praying they figure out what’s wrong so that I can get some relief.

Anyway, after the epidural, I’m able to rest a bit. I still feel pressure with my contractions, but the pain isn’t as severe. My contractions started to get more intense, it’s a little TMI, but it felt like I had to take the biggest poop of my life! I kept thinking, I HAVE TO GO! I decided to tell my nurse about the pressure I was feeling, and she checked me. “Whoa, baby’s head is right there!” I was 10 cm dilated, and my little girl was coming! I remember feeling super anxious. I took many deep breaths because I was honestly terrified. The room filled with excitement as we waited for my doctor to come down. It was time to push! 

The doctor came in, and we got ready to push. We waited for a contraction to come, which I knew when it was coming because at this point my epidural was basically nonexistent. Everyone started telling me to push and so I did! I pushed through only one contraction and for only about three minutes until she came flying out at 8:10pm. Literally. If my doctor hadn’t of been 36 weeks pregnant and had a big belly, I’m pretty sure she would have dropped my baby! She came out head first but did a somersault because of how fast I pushed her out, and the doctor caught her in a football hold. I have this fantastic picture from when she came out! Peep my mother’s reaction in the background! 

Hearing her first cry was like the most beautiful song I had ever heard. A sense of relief came over me. She was okay. My baby was here, and she was okay. They handed her to me, and she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Chris cut the cord, and he kissed me. He was glowing with happiness. Shortly after she latched and nursed for the first time. It was the most amazing experience. Her latch was so perfect, and she held onto her daddy’s fingers the whole time. We had one hour where it was just us doing skin to skin. They didn’t do any of the routine newborn stuff until after that bonding time. I thought it was so special. 

Finally, after 9 long months of pain and complications and doctor appointments, we had our baby girl with us. She was the most beautiful baby and looked exactly like her daddy! 

Adeline Mae Gspandl. 6 lbs 8 oz, 19 3/4 in. 10/24/18. 

[jksfucker-remade]

behind closed doors. (pt.1)

➳ coffeeshop and college au

pairing: taehyung x reader

genre: angst, fluff (not rly sure tbh)

warning: just curse words ;) and makeout sessions i guess? 

word count: 1k 

➤ summary: when you become more curious about a college mates personal life

➤ authors note: its been so long since i wrote dont bully me as im gonna go back to writing lovelies !!! 

You walk into Min Cafe when you hear the bell ring at the top as you walk in. Immediately you see Taehyung who turned around to see you, you see continue to look at him as you made your way over to the register countertop. Before you do, you see that it’s 7:30am, class starts at 8:30am. Waiting in line, you catch up on social media and watch other people’s stories.

“NEXT!” You hear Taehyung yell in order to get your attention.

“The usual?” Taehyung says bluntly.

“Uh, yes please.” You say as you get your card out your bag.

“3 dollars and 4 cents.” He says as he takes the card you handed to him. He swipes your card, “It’s declining” He says with a straight face while he looks into your soul.

“What? It can’t be.”

“But, it is.” Taehyung said not giving any fucks.

“You know what, here’s 5 dollars. Keep the change.” You say as you gently handed him the bill with a smile.

“Ma’am, I’m not allowed to keep change!” Taehyung said hesitating.

“Look, just keep it. I hate carrying coins!” You said nicely.

He shrugged and went to make your coffee.

“THE 578 TRAIN IS ONE STATION AWAY” You hear as you suck the last bit of coffee from your straw. You walk over to the trash can to throw out your empty container and wait until the train comes.

“I really hate public transport.” You say to yourself as you check the time making sure you weren’t going to be late for class.

“THE 578 TRAIN IS NOW HERE. PLEASE STAND BEHIND YELLOW PLATFORM EDGE!” You look to your left to make sure the train is coming and you step back. You could hear the train tracks scraping against the ground metal so you make a face to yourself acting as if the sound would go away.

The door opens and you cautiously walk in. Searching for a seat, you gave up trying to find one. Once the train door closes, you rest against the sliding train doors even when it clearly says “DO NOT REST YOUR BACK ON THE DOORS!” and hold onto the nearest pole. Already the trains are slow as its rush hour, everyone is trying to get to either work or school

You finally get out of the train and go up the stairs to go on ground level. The walk to your college is about a minute or two depending on how slow you are actually walking.

sdefrg

You walk in late and see everyone sitting down. You look at the time and its almost 9am.

“Join us Y/N! Why were you late?” Your professor says while flashing a wide smile to you. You look up,

“Uh I actually overslept!” You nod and make your way to your sit, not too in the front, and not too in the back.

Almost dazing off 10 minutes into class, you hear the door open and immediately open your eyes from the sound.

“Taehyung! Why are you so late?” Your professor said coldly to Taehyung.

“Oh, actually I overslept.” He says with his eyes intense.

“Funny.. because that’s what Y/N over here said when she was late…”

You looked at him confused, you didn’t know why he lied about working or even used the same excuse as you.

“Just go over to your seat!” The professor says pissed.

Taehyung makes his way over to your seat, but only looking at you. You pull away from the contact once you feel how awkward it got. At this point, everyone is looking at you and Taehyung’s awkwardness. You look around confused. Taehyung chuckles and you swiftly turn to look at him. He coughs and makes a straight face once you even turned to his direction. At that instant, all you heard was silence.

“Okay, enough is enough. Back to what I was saying..” You easily zone out from your professor’s monotoned voice.

About 40 minutes later, class ends and it’s your lucky day since you only had once class today.

You pack up and suddenly your phone lights up,

“Y/N! Aren’t you going to leave? Stop smiling and texting your boyfriend.” Your professor tells you.

“Uh sorry. I was texting my sister…”

“Oh, is that so?”

You nod and throw your bag over your shoulder and walk out all excited.

You walk out and happily run to your train station.

You finally get out the station and run home. You unlock the door and see your sister looking into the fridge. You gave her a copy of your key in case something happens and she has done the same with her house.

“OMG!!!” Your sister yells as she runs over to hug you.

“JI HYUN !!!” You scream once she holds onto you.

You and Ji-Hyun find some time to sit down and update each other on how you guys are doing.

Once you guys laugh and cry at the same time. You both realize its already midnight by the time you guys finished talking.

“Before I went to talk to you, I was hungry…” Ji-Hyun says while looking down at her growling stomach

“Mm, uh since it’s midnight.. The only thing open now is Fast Food!”

“I’m good with that! If your down for it?” Ji-Hyun says shrugging.

“Yeah, let’s do it!”

You both get ready in oversized hoodies and sweats and head out. You close the door behind you,

“So, any crushes?” You say while you lock the door with your key.

Ji-Hyun smirks and grabs your arm royal style and walks with you.

“Actually, I admire this one guy.” Ji-Hyun says quietly.

You stop in your tracks, “WHAT?”

“YOU ASKED !!! I actually found him on social media haha!” Ji-Hyun says laughing.

You guys laugh and make your way to mcdonalds. Before you do, you see a huge tower that shows its 2am.

“Woah, I’m surprised we didn’t get kidnapped or mugged yet. Especially at this time of night.” Ji-Hyun says surprised.

“I mean, everyone literally knows everyone and our neighborhood isn’t sus… you know.” You say as Ji-Hyun nods in agreement.

You open the door to McDonalds, the moment you walk in your face drops…

[offshore-writes-blog]

searching for a roommate: maybe also love

gif originally posted by marksseunie

soulmates!au  (part 1/?)

genre: lots of angsttttt

pairing: Mark x OC

inspired by prompt: (i’ll add the link of the list when i find it)

8. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.”

100. ”You’re my soulmate?!”

note: i haven’t proofread this im sorry. another part is coming soooooon. forreal though. 

they say that your soulmate and you sometimes have the same birthmark on your body or some inscription just appears onto your skin one day; the exact same as your soulmate. but i’m convinced that soulmates don’t have to romantic. they really don’t. i think my friend ray is my soulmate. he’s funny and so smart. he’s also so gay. like makes out with his boyfriend in front of me; hinting that i should leave our apartment. he can literally read my mind; how could that be? we’ve been friends for years. we’ve been through everything.

when he’d come out to me the day we’d both come back to our hometown after a semester at our separate universities; we spent the night crying; him at being free and me because he was finally feeling like himself. he’s seen me through every speed bump in my life and still loves me. so like? isn’t that what soulmates are??

i tread quietly into our shared apartment; hoping that ray and his boyfriend (ed) are asleep or at least out of the living room. yeah, so we’re in a big city now but the rent is crazy; despite somewhat promising careers; we can’t afford an apartment without each other.  

letting out a sigh of relief, i put my bag down onto the couch. the apartment’s empty like they hadn’t just wordlessly told me to get the fuck out of here two hours ago. i’d gone to a local coffee shop; to get some writing done. (im a journalist but what i really want to do is write a goddamn book; about anything that makes me heart ring)

the next morning, i wake up to an empty apartment again; strange. assuming that ray’s slept over at ed’s place, i start my morning routine; a quick workout and heading into the shower. i’m not called in today so i can actually have breakfast today. normally, i’d be out the door at 5:30am for the 7am news or outdoor braving the weather to prove to the entire city; that YES it is bad out there; please stay at home.

i’m in the middle of humming to myself as i clean the apartment. although we’re not that messy, we could be cleaner. i hear the keys jingle at the door and look up expectedly to see ray, of course. “hey!” i greet; pausing the music on the speakers from my phone.

“hey…” closing the door behind him, he puts the keys down by the table at the door. lips pressing into a thin line, he walks up behind the couch.  

uh oh. this is trouble. i let go of the broom and watch him; waiting for him to say something. only the couch between us; shaking my head slightly at him to say hellooo? speak now

“ed and i were talking last night …”

“just talking?” i raise an eyebrow and he chuckles softly but continues

“we were talking. and it was like really romantic.” he pauses and looks at me again; trying to read my face i know it. but i dont know what he wants to see because I'm just listening to him intently. “we’ve been together for almost a year now, arista.”

is this going where i think this is going? i wanna be happy for ray. i really do. but my breath gets caught up in my throat. like i can barely get another breath in. so he’s moving out. and i’m going to be alone.

his brows are furrowed now, reading my face. “ari, please.” he pouts, coming over to me; pulling me into him. “look, we want to move in together.” he finally says it but he already knows i know. “and we don’t have a definite date, alright? there’s no way i’m going to just leave you.” i nod and pull away; trying to not look so pathetic.

“it’s fine.” it’s not. i nod but i know he knows i'm not. but if i say i’m fine maybe he’ll feel less guilty.

ed is ray’s soulmate. they both have the same birthmark on their left arm right below their elbow and to further confirm it, they also have another shared inscription on the crook of their necks; just a number; 15. ed’d been wearing a number 15 jersey when ray saw him at our local coffee shop. ed’d played lacrosse at uni so he still wears it when he’s feeling not so good. that day he’d been getting coffee after binge-drinking the night before over an ex. it’s like meant to be. i remember ed pausing as he entered the shop with me. like he could just sense his soulmate was there.  

to be fair, he and i also shared a birthmark. on the bottom of our feet, it’s shaped like a heart but it’s faded more and more as the years went by. but it doesn’t bother us. we’re best friends till we get to the other side of life; really. so i really believe soulmates aren’t just romantic.

“guys, this is it.” i announce, coming out my room with my laptop in my arms. “this city is full of creeps and i’ll never find a roommate.” i hear the two of them sort of pause their conversation and chuckle at me. plopping down between ed and ray on the couch. “look at this!” i gesture to my screen. i’d posted an online listing about a roommate but so far, everyone i’ve contacted have been dodgy. they didn’t want to give their job descriptions or thought i was being distrustful when i suggested an interview.

“you’ll find someone.” ed tried comforting me awkwardly; patting my back as ray rested his head on my shoulder.

god i wish i could be mad at the two of them. how dare they be so in love!! they were being awfully nice about only moving in till i found a new roommate.

//

it’s fucking storming outside. the wind is crazy. and now i have to act like i didn’t just spend 20 hours straight writing up an article and head out to report the fucking weather.

it’s 4am when i get the call. i’d only gone to sleep 2 hours ago. begrudgingly i leave the comfort of my bed and start getting dressed.

it’s 5:30 when me and the camera crew are at the ferry pier; where the wind is the strongest and most obvious.

“you look like absolute hell.” i hear one of the cameraperson comment about me. we’ve worked together for years now so we have some rapport and honestly, i don’t disagree. i still scoff and raise my finger at him.

they’re putting some make up on me inside the van now. i even have to change inside this tiny van so it’s just me and the mary; one of the crew. she helps out with everything behind-the-scenes.

“hey hey hey, what’s that?” she quickly points down as i sit topless with only my bra on. i look down to myself; seeing as her finger’s pointing on the top of left boob.

“what?” i say and look closer; she does too. “what is it?”

“is that a mark?”

“i’ve never seen that.” i comment quietly.

“it’s shaped like a heart.” mary comments and smiles too cutely at me; teasing me. “it’s a soulmate thing!!” she finally exclaims as it registers to her the same moment it registers to me.

is this a soulmate mark?

i don’t really think about the mark again. i have a lot on my plate. a job and searching for a roommate that isn’t going to kill me in this big city.

////

but one night, we’re letting loose. one of my friends grace is hosting a big party. she’s dating his hotshot up-and-coming stylist-turned-model guy who goes by the name bambam. immediately, i hear the dude’s name and i’m intrigued. i get my hottest (and probably sluttiest) ensemble and head to the club they’re holding the party. i can’t remember what the party’s for but i remember being invited so i go with ray and ed.

the club exudes really expensive and mysterious vibes. god i cannot even imagine the price of these drinks. thank god we’re here for a party. i note to myself. through the sea of people, i make it to grace. she has a gorgeous figure beside her, who i assume is bambam. we hug briefly before she introduces us to him.

ray, ed and i share pleasantries with the couple and they gesture over to another private area. ooooh so this is where it gets interesting. the private area  i see a booth and vaguely recognise the faces and head over. i finally recognise jackson and jaebum. i know through mutual friends and we have spent a couple of wasted nights so.

“arista!” jackson shouts and we hug each other tightly. “god where have you been?” he asks, looking at me after pulling away. he gives a little nod to ray and ed too; giving lil bro hugs.

“i’ve been busy with work.” i finally say, still kind of hovering over the round booth; making my way to jaebum while ray and ed sit beside jackson. jaebum and i hug briefly and he gives me this look. “what?” i say as he moves a little and lets me sit inside the booth on his other side just between him and jackson; while the other is occupied by a face i don’t recognise.

“you act like we don’t have jobs.” he teases with a little smirk. i smack him and click my tongue. “but seriously, where have you been?”

“well, ray’s leaving me.” i announce dramatically and all eyes land on him. “i’ve been trying to look for a roommate who’s not going to kill me or grope me.” i explain and the rest of the table laughs a little. suddenly my eyes land on a few faces i’ve never seen. “i’m sorry we’re being rude.” i say. “i’m grace’s friend, arista.” i extend my hand over to the guy on jaebum’s other side.

“mark.” he speaks and his voice sounds smooth. like really smooooth. strong but also soft? i try not to show that i’m into his voice and look over to see another girl beside him.

“jennie.” she smiles at me and my breath is taken away. she’s beautiful. both mark and her. actually everyone on this table except me. thank god my outfit looks hot and is compensating for my lack of actual natural beauty.

“you are gorgeous.” i blurt out, kind of losing myself in her eyes. wow. girls are amazing. “sorry.” i say almost immediately and jennie smiles shyly but something about her aura tells me she’s confident. like she’s kind of a force to be reckon with.

“is this why all the blind dates haven’t worked out?” jackson finally says. “we’ve been setting you up with guys.” he nudges me, laughing.

“they don’t work out because you set me up with guys who are exactly like you and it makes me think of you.” i roll my eyes, sipping his drink.

“you think of jackson on your dates?” jennie teases now. “maybe you two should…” she adds with a few blinks, smiling mischievously.

everyone at the table groans except mark and jennie. the two of us look at us with amusement and i notice mark finally smile a little wider. our eyes meet and i feel my heart stop but look away.

“jennie, don’t get us started.” ray finally says. “these two…”

“let’s not talk about this before i’m at least 20% tipsy.” i run my fingers through my hair; already having a hard time having to explain what weird things jackson and i have done.

we’ve never dated. i’ve literally had a crush on jaebum since the three of us started partying together. jackson’s been nothing to kind to me. everyone thinks he’s this joker who’s wild and just funny. he is wild and funny but he’s a hard-worker and so compassionate about people in his life. he took me home when i saw jaebum hook up with girls on our many nights of partying. and people just didn’t believe that we didn’t fuck. so it was just easier to not deny or really say why we always end up together after a night of drinking.

after a couple of hours later?? time is an illusion i don’t even know but grace and bambam finally join us. (probably having entertained the other 100 of their guests) we’re all a couple of rounds in with our drinks when they do join us. i’m being a little too giggly now. but i can’t control it.

“as the only people in a serious committed relationship,” ray pauses and looks at grace. “no offence.” he continues. “ray and i have decide we will not participating in this round of dare or dare.” the whole table groans at them feigning annoyance.

grace whines a little but the two of them stand firm. they leave for the dance floor; giggly too. they’re totally go bang somewhere, i acknowledge in my head. but i guess i said it out loud because everyone’s laughing.

“alright alright alright.” bambam finally says as he and grace take up where ray and ed had been sitting. “let’s get started.”

// 

i think it’s form of ptsd because i’ve completely blacked out what happened last night. after ed and ray left. i don’t remember a single thing. but i’m home. thank god. i'm still in my clothes from last night. this navy sparkly body-hugging dress seems ridiculous now as the daylight seeps through my curtains.

what the fuck happened i wonder as my head’s pounding. i walk out to see jackson and ray at our breakfast bar.

“well good morning drama queen.” ray greets with an amused expression; seeing me walk out my room and jackson also turns his head to see me.

“oh no what did i do.” i'm limping.

“what didn’t you do?” jackson teases as he chews.

“seriously tell me.” i nod, with my head down, looking at the kitchen counter.

//

“i dare you to kiss the person who you want the most. at. this. table.” jennie yells through the music to me. my heart’s beating fast. a dare’s a dare. the drinks help me brave this. i turn to face jaebum who’s just watching like the rest at the table; amused. then i look around the table like i’m thinking about it. but i already know i want to kiss jaebum. my eyes go to stranger mark. his lips are pursed as he watches me a little too intensely. even in my inebriated state i know mark’s intensely looking at me. i wonder if it’s because i feel spellbound whenever i look at him.

“hurry!!!” bambam yells and I'm pulled back into the game.

grace and jackson throw me a knowing look. but they know I'm a bit too prideful to lose the game. so i face jaebum again and pull him by his shirt collar. i want to kiss him so bad. i look at him and his eyes widen a little and his usual smirk is misplaced from his face. then i let go.

“i give up.” i shrug. this is the first time i’ve given up on a dare. i’ve possibly made an acquaintance bust in their pants by riding their thigh but kissing jaebum? i can’t do that. when you forfeit a dare, you’re out of the game. something in me snaps and i get teary eyed and leave the table, pushing past jaebum and mark. this is so so soso embarrassing.

i avoid the booth for the rest of the night. jackson and grace find me in the toilet sobbing. why am i even crying? god.

“did you see his fucking face?” i say through my tears. “like me wanting to kiss him was so absurd and bizarre.”

“babe, no.” grace hugs me. “he was just surprised. ‘cause you and jackson are so tight.”

“yeah, grace’s right.” jackson croaks and pats my head. “c’mon, you don’t wanna waste your night in here.” he says and that makes me smile.

i’m drunker than i’d been an hour ago. i'm in the middle of dance floor now with ray and ed; the losers of the dare and dare. although i feel a pair of hands on me, i just keep dancing. i kind of want it to stay. i just want to not remember that jaebum doesn’t like me and will never see me that way.

the next thing i know, i’m being scolded by jaebum outside the club. after he’s pulled me out the toilet after seeing me in a very compromising position.

“arista, could you try to be more responsible?” he says with exasperation. “you don’t even know that guy. what’s going on with you tonight?” he softens at the last part.

“i am responsible!” i whine, pushing him. “people hook up at clubs all the time.” i yell. “i’ve seen you do it! right in front of me a hundred times.” i’m yelling but my voice cracks at the last time.

“people do it. i do it. but you don’t do it, arista. i know you.”

“what the fuck do you know?” i push past him, annoyed. i can’t even gage how angry he is because of how intoxicated i am.

“arista, you’re not going back in. i’m taking you home.”

“look, i’m going to screw that guy’s brains out then we can go.” i say mindlessly. god drunk arista is that bitch.

jaebum grips onto my wrist. “arista.” his voice is low, trying to hold in his anger.

i jerk my head around to see him. his nostrils are flaring a bit i remember thinking he looked beautiful. his hair’s a bit of a mess after a long night. his chin’s pointing out now; he’s mad. even drunk me knows that’s a sign on his face of anger boiling. but i can’t help it. i giggle.

“you’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.” my voice comes out differently. but i feel a small smile on my face. my hands want to touch his face but he’s holding one of my hands already.

he drops my hand and looks at me incredulously. he wants to laugh. “god, you are so drunk.” he still doesn’t believe that i like him. just because i'm drunk.

ray comes out the club just in time. before i can fuck the situation up even more. “it’s okay jae, i can handle this drama queen.” he breathes with an easy smile; like i hadn’t just been pouring my feelings to him.

//

ray and jackson console me rest of the day. so my life’s kind of messy now. at least i have a job i love. i spend the entire day ignoring my phone. if i was a mess like that in real life i don’t even want to see who i texted what to.

//

it’s a couple of nights later. i’m finally home from work. the apartment’s empty and i anticipate that this is how it’s going to be the rest of my life. eventually, i’ll make ray move out (even though he says he will wait for me to find a roommate but it’s been a month of searching and still nada) and i’ll live alone being broke because this apartment is too expensive but also too comfortable to leave.

when the door bell rings, i’m in the kitchen cooking, stretching my neck to watch the tv from there. who is that? i try to remember if i’d ordered anything recently. and as i look out the peep hole, i'm startled.

it’s mark.

[artistlove17]

Me with my parents 110% I've finally gotten fed up with my dad. I went over there to pick up my Stepsister and while I was there I dropped off his credit card (that he had given me to get gas and food). I'm cutting myself off because I'm tired of him feeling as if he can hold anything over my head. It's just annoying as all hell to have your parents act like total jackasses and lie to your face before turning around and pretending to be these perfect people. My dad and stepmom sat and told my stepsiblings that they didn't have the money to take them to see their family last summer... And then LITERALLY 2 weeks later my stepmom went and got a brand new 2017 model car... Traded in her car for it and started making those expensive ass payments. She even made a comment about how it was costing her more than her other car (which was also new and perfectly fine!) And all I could think was "So.. you can spend thousands of dollars on a new car that you didn't even NEED. But you can't afford to buy two plane tickets or provide gas money to send your kids to visit their grandmother and brother two states over!?" Then my dad is always... ALWAYS... asking when I'm going to get a job, where I'm trying to get a job, if I'm trying to get a job. (I have been applying and no one will hire me because I have no experience!) I'm in college. My classes go from 7:30am to 3:30pm... And that doesn't include the 2-4 hours of studying/homework I have to do afterwards. I literally don't have TIME for a job. But he always claims "a lot of people work while they're in school!" IM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!! I can't stay focused all day at school... Have time to study so I can keep my grades up... Then spend at least 5-8 hours working a job! There is only 24 hours in a day... How the actual hell am I expected to do that!? 8 hours of school + 2 hours of studying/homework + 5-8 hours at work. That's 15-18 (maybe more depending on homework and job) hours being on my feet, using my brain, and getting shit done. That leaves me around 8 or 9 hours to also go home and do my laundry (and any other chores I need to do) and shower and sleep. That leaves me NO time to myself. No time to take a break and do what I need to do to even be mentally stable. I'm already struggling as it is. I have PCOS. I'm constantly in pain. I battle anxiety and depression every fucking day of my life. I deal with constantly being sick. Then I have to deal with life stresses and situations. Having my dad constantly asking when I'm going to get a job seriously pisses me off and stresses me out even more. The ONLY thing he pays for me is my car insurance, and I don't even know if he is still paying that! My card is out of date and he hasn't given me a new one so I don't know if he's even paid it!! Yet here he is, talking down to me and acting like NOTHING I do is ever good enough. I always have to do more. I'm apparently supposed to run myself into the damn dirt! Is that what will make him happy!? For me to try so hard I end up failing at everything?? Or for me to finally drive myself off the fucking cliff I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of!? Then he wants to start arguments on fucking Facebook like a damn child!? He literally HAD to comment on my post about this crazy lady who was arguing with me when she had no idea what she was talking about and part of my post was "she literally could have figured it out with one Google search" and he HAD to start in with his old person rant. Claiming MY generation is the problem and we hate all the older people and went on and on about how we can't trust the internet and "you learn more from life experience." WHAT FUCKING LIFE EXPERIENCE!?!? ALL HE DOES IS EAT, SLEEP, SHIT, GO TO WORK, AND FUCKING REPEAT!! He doesn't go outside of this state more than maybe once a year... And he only goes one state over, which isn't saying much seeing as we LIVE on the fucking border!! The state line is literally 7 minutes from my house!!! And he acts like he's been around the world and done SO MUCH with his life... HE HASNT EVEN BEEN OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES!!! Then he ended his immature little rant with "I'm just stating the facts!" When NO BITCH YOU WERE STATING YOUR DUMBASS OPINION!!!! I AM the one who has been all over the country! I flew to the complete other side of the United States to be with my best friend after she tried to commit suicide!! 👏LIFE EXPERIENCE!! 👏 And what I was even talking about in my post was RESEARCH! Which means reading and searching and studying to figure out all sides of the story. So you can be INFORMED and knowledgeable about what you're speaking on. Studying scholarly articles for HOURS ON END so you know as much as possible about what you're talking about. Watching documentaries and travelling to places you're trying to learn about. THATS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. And he literally started an argument about it... Pretty much calling me stupid and acting like he is this all knowing and great individual who knows SOOOO much about everything. Literally tried to tell me that I was dumb for trying to RESEARCH and STUDY things and claimed "You'll learn more from life experience!!" WHAT LIFE EXPERIENCE!? IM IN COLLEGE! HE WORKS IN A FUCKING FACTORY!!! Does he mean him abondonig me when I was a baby!? How he LET my stepfather beat me with a belt until I was black and blue and covered in welts!? I was so fucked up from my back to my thighs that my Grandmother threatened my stedads life with a fucking butcher knife!! She told him she'd "deMAN" him if he ever touched me again. Yet when I called my father begging and crying for him to come get me.. he told me to suck it up and said it "was just a wooping" and that I'd "get over it by tomorrow." When NO. What happened was, I wasn't able to sit properly for a fucking week! I was a child who was scared out of her mind and hurt. That's my "life experience" thanks to him. Even when I was still in high school he tried to do that shit. Would talk about how "high" his test scores were and tried to make it seem like I was stupid compared to him... When I was the one getting scholarships and ACTUALLY going to college!! While all he's EVER done is work in a fucking factory!! And I understand there are different "kinds" of smart, like book smart vs street smart. HE IS NEITHER AND I AM BOTH!! AND IM SICK OF HIM ACTING LIKE IM SOME STUPID AND NAIVE LITTLE GIRL!! He is the idiot. He is the one with literally no fucking common sense. All he did my entire childhood was smoke pot with his BLACK friends... And then got pissed when he found out I fucked a black guy! Got pissed when he found out my Stepsister hangs out with black guys (and has probably slept with a couple herself)! How the fuck are you going to be racist and judge people after YEARS of you BEING one of those people you now get pissed at!? I hate racism anyway, it's fucking stupid, but I hate even more when someone is a fucking hypocrite! Luckily for him he hasn't said shit about me being bisexual to my face. I'd probably knock his damn teeth out his mouth if he did.... That's how fucking fed up I am. Hell, my mom doesn't even know because I already hear enough homophobic shit from her. And then they both wonder why I never visit. Why I never call or text. Because it's ALWAYS drama and bullshit with them!!! They don't know shit about my depression. They don't know shit about my anxiety. They don't know shit about my eating disorder. My dad acts like my PCOS diagnosis is a joke and that it's some fake disease I made up! Which is fucking stupid seeing as it affects literally 1 in 6 women!! That means statistically me and at least one other girl in each of my classes have it! There are whole pages and articles and books about it! There's a movement right now to raise awareness and money for PCOS! We have our own ribbon and our color is teal! IT'S NOT JUST SOME SHIT I MADE UP FOR PITY!! I'm just so goddamn sick of it all. So. Goddamn. Sick.

[lovelyyyoongi]

Oh. My. God. I want to write something about your last post but I'm just so speechless right now. Reading this took me an entire hour and just, wow. It's been a long time since reading something that made me feel the way this did, and I'm not kidding. I was SO invested while reading and I reeeaally got into it, usually when I read something I always try to put myself into the characters point of view so I also did it this time and when I realized that it was Y/N's Birthday and Jungkook just-

forgot about it I actually got SO mad like I WAS RAGING ON THE INSIDE, and when Y/N told him to get out I felt how heartbroken she might be and I actually started crying a little (yes I get very emotional very quickly) and alsjdflj I didn’t cry because of reading something IN AGES and throughout this I was literally on an emotional roLLERCOASTER. I also had the PERFECT atmosphere because umm, I started reading at 1:30am (it’s nearly 3am now) and just sljdfjjsk I seriously think this is-

the best thing you've written so far and I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT REALLY TOUCHED ME AND SEE, IN MY LAST ASK I SAID I WAS EXCITED FOR WHATEVER YOU'D POST NEXT AND THIS JUST TOPPED EVERYTHING AAAHH, YOU'RE SO AMAZING -🌟 (last one from my spam)

AKDJSK THANK YOU SO MUCH!! This was the first time writing something more than 5k words and it took sooo long! Nearly an hour? ajdjsk thank you for taking the time to read it! I really appreciate it! WOWOW IM SO GLAD YOU WERE ABLE TO OUT YOURSELF IN THE STORY! 

Honestly,,, i felt it too:((((( The angst got to me and I was mad at Jungkook too asldkjsad;;;oh no bb!! don’t cry !!! D: OLAKJSDS GO TO SLEEP LOVE!!

SAKDNDS REALLY? THE BEST THING? IM SO FLATTERED OMG I WAS SO UNCONFIDENT WITH THIS ONE AHHHH

Once again, thank you so much!!! You’re so sweet my lovely star anon!!🙈💕

[vaffanchan]

i was tagged by @bunmyun thanks for the tag 💜💜💜💜

How tall are you?

my id says 161cm but i know that’s a lie i’m actually 159cm lmao

What colour are your eyes?

they change color depending on light (and sometimes my humor) they go from honey brown to dark green and sometimes light green

do you wear contacts and/or glasses?

i wear glasses but recently i’ve been wearing contacts bc i feel more confident 

Do you wear braces?

not anymore, but i had them for 10+ years 

What is your fashion style?

i’m going through a style crisis rn lol my style used to be casual, just a hoodie and a pair of jeans but now i’m kinda switching to a more “elegant” style????? idk 

When were you born?

november 7

How old are you?

19

Do you have any siblings?

one younger brother

What school/ college do you go to?

i’m attending the first year of uni and i’m studying economics and management (don’t know if it’s the right translation lol)

What kind of student are you?

i was pretty good and i actually like studying but now i kind lost the will and i’m doing good but not as good as i could

What are your favorite subjects?

i loved maths and languages

What are your favorite movies?

uhh i don’t really watch movies anymore, but my favorites will always be the ones from the mummy trilogy (and the lion king and dumbo)

What are your favorite pastimes?

right now it’s watching tv series and just chilling but i also like to play the piano and listen to music

Do you have any regrets?

uhhhh i don’t really know??? like yeah there are some things i could have done differently but they’re not really important tbh

What is your dream job?

i would love something in the music field, like booking agents or managers sdkjgfshdgfgk that’s my #1 goal in life

Would you like to get married?

yup

Do you want kids? How many?

uh yeh,,,,,, as many aS I CAN POSSIBLY HAVE

How many countries have you visited?

only the uk but i visited almost all of italy!!!

What was your scariest dream?

i don’t really remember scary dreams bc i tend to block them out but i have really weird dreams sometimes, the last one i can remember was about the last exam i had, i was sitting in front of the professor and she gave me my paper and she said NOTHING she literally said nothing. i didn’t even look at the paper bc i knew i had failed and i woke up in a cold sweat at 5:30am and i started crying so i called my mum and cried on the phone to her lmao

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other?

single and ready to mingle

Put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs:

exo - xoxo

sum 41 - the hell song (12 year old me is jumping around the room)

muse - sunburn

fall out boy - the phoenix (pUT ON YOUR WAR PAINT!!!!!!)

exo - power

ed sheeran - thinking out loud (💜💜💜)

simon and garfunkel - the sound of silence

exo - heaven ch. ver

fall out boy - immortals (big hero 6 feels)

snow patrol - chasing cars (this has so many memories sxhgshjdg)

one direction - olivia (lmao i still don’t know the lyrics to this song)

exo - playboy

the fray - how to save a life

fall out boy - my songs know what you did in the dark (there’s a lot of fob songs im sorry)

trading yesterday - shattered (i love this song too much and makes me cry all the time)

i’m tagging: @xiuminscheeks @milky-waee @hipstaa-pleazz @xiuminniesittybittytiddies and @pufflejongin 💖

[chanelvenus]

92 truths

i got tagged by the babe @beebeecee !! thank uuu

im nt tagging anyone but if u wanna do this go ahead and tag me so i can read it !

THE LAST: 1. Drink: water stay hydrated kids 2. Phone call: my bf when i freaked the fuck out on saturday lmao 3. Text message: my roommate i complained abou howt amazing this one masters program is and how i need around 27000€ 4. Song you listened to: bang yongguk - yamazaki 5. Time you cried: don't drag me but i shed a tear when i said goodbye to my bf last time i visited bcs im not used to not being around him 24/7.......... HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: yah kinda 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nah 8. Been cheated on: god no  9. Lost someone special: no? im blessed 10. Been depressed: nothing diagnosed 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: black pink red IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: oh hell yeah 16. Fallen out of love: not really 17. Laughed until you cried: last week actually 18. Found out someone was talking about you: maybe i don't remember  19. Met someone who changed you: YAH 20. Found out who your friends are: i guess? i really love the friends i have rn 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yah

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i recently cleaned it lmao so everyone 23. Do you have any pets: nah  24. Do you want to change your name: my name is cool ok  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: NOTHING it was lit 26. What time did you wake up: 8:30am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching memes on youtube i think 28. Name something you can’t wait for: having a new job aka €€€ and the new semester !! im gonna have some lit classes  29. When was the last time you saw your mom: mid July  30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: id love to have more cash lol literally all my problems right now are money related 31. What are you listening right now:  ........ german battle rap bye insight job (<3) vs emmax  32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my bank account  34. Most visited Website: youtube Tumblr asos

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: a few 36. Mark/s: ??????? 37. Childhood dream: being a lawyer by e 38. Hair colo(u)r: platinum blonde 39. Long or short hair: shorttttt 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Keanu reeves ! always ! currently its 2017 Keanu but soon it'll change to late 80s again i can feel it 41. What do you like about yourself: i have many different interests so i can talk to all kinds of ppl ?  42. Piercings: ears two holes on each side, wanna get two more tho 43. Bloodtype: ask again when i donated blood in a few weeks  44. Nickname: none really 45. Relationship status: taken  46. Zodiac: LEO 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show:  i like Brooklyn99 ? sex and the city??? 49. Tattoos: im planning a few  50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: at the beginning of august i got nose surgery ?  52. Hair dyed in different color: yah i bleached this shit out of it 53. Sport: used to do swimming badminton n shit 55. Vacation: im planning Paris rn  56. Pair of trainers: i literally collect sneakers what u want from me. my favorites are my reebok insta pump over branded in black/white?? i want airmax 95??  MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: just had toast 58. Drinking: still water 59. I’m about to: eat something chocolate-y and do the dishes 61. Waiting for: the exams to be over, the semester to start ?? 62. Want: money 63. Get married: ya 64. Career: i am a philosophy and art history student do u really think i got any career plans... WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: depends 66. Lips or eyes: lips 67. Shorter or taller: taller 68. Older or younger: both is ok as long as its not too dramatic 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms 71. Sensitive or loud: ???? what 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: what kind of question is this

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nah 75. Drank hard liquor: nooo 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nah 77. Turned someone down: ya 78. Sex in the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: i hope not ? 80. Had your heart broken: kinda??? 81. Been arrested: omg no 82. Cried when someone died: i always cry. 83. Fallen for a friend: yeah DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes a lot sometimes not at all but overall i know ill be fine 85. Miracles: ya 86. Love at first sight: yes :( 87. Santa Claus: hfjskhfkjsdf 88. Kiss in the first date: do u really have to believe in this... 89. Angels: something like that ya OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: i don't do the best friend thing 91. Eyecolor: muddy green 92. Favorite movie: OH BOYYYYY ?? maybe ?? fight club the social network tasm2 ?? BILL AND TED??? the devil wears Prada????? idk !

[lovelydeceitff]

Chapter 4

I don’t ever tell you how I really feel, cause I can’t ever find the words to say what I mean… Just a little bit of your heart is all I want

Shay

It’s only been 3 weeks into the semester and sad to say I’m already over it. Well not completely, I guess you can say I’m more overwhelmed. I’m taking 18 credit hours and I’m trying to get a head of my syllabus before I become lazy. My classes aren’t bad.. it’s just a lot of work. I have a solid 3.0 cumulative right now and I’m trying to raise that as high as I can by the end of the year. Im shocked that my gpa isn’t higher than that being that I’ve had over a 3.2 for like 3 semesters but whatever.

Living with Keith has became a bit stressful too… on top of my job and school work. He gets so stressed and takes it out on me. Right now we’re going through a thing where he’ll give me an attitude for no reason at all. I get him food, he has an attitude. I talk to him, he has an attitude. I’ve been dealing with this for so long I really should be used to it. He gets so stressed with school and work that I just become like a fly that won’t leave him alone. I understand. I try my hardest too. But imagine going through this often. Like at least twice a month, but for days each time. It’s tiring.

It makes me not want to be around him, but since he’s staying with me I have to. Some times I just leave my room and hang with the other people in the building when he lays down for bed so I won’t go to sleep angry. He’s so up and down I never know what to expect with him.

Right now I’m in my room waiting for Keith to tell me to come let him in. Today has actually been better than others. We’ve been texting all day and honestly that could be the reason I’m in a great mood. Keith plays a big part in how I’m feeling for the day unfortunately. If he irritates me, I’ll be annoyed until I can get my mind off how much he pissed me off. But today we’re good.

9:06pm Keith❤️: leaving the rec now, I’ll be downstairs in 5 minutes.

Once I got that text, I hurried up and cleaned the little mess I made trying to get dressed this morning then I went down to let him in. He wasn’t there yet, so I conversed with my coworker who was working the front desk until he arrived.

He knocked on the glass door to signal me that he’s here, I went towards the automatic doors so he can come in.

“Hiiii baby” I happily greeted him as he walked in.

“Hey” Keith said dryly.

See, up and down with him. He was just fine.

We’re waiting on the elevator which is right off the sitting area of the lobby. It’s people down here tonight and for some reason I feel like everyone can sense how awkward we look. Well, how uninterested he looks. I always feel this way even though we aren’t talking very loud and chances are no one is paying us any attention.

“How was your day today?” I asked trying to make some type of small talk to break the ice.

“It was cool.”

We got on the elevator. “Yea mines is going pretty good. You okay?”

“Yup”

We got off the elevator and I keyed into my room. Silence. No words from him. No words from me. Keith began to heat himself up some Ramen noodles and then got the books out of his book bag. I guess that’s what’s wrong, he’s stressed again

“You sure you okay? You must have a lot of homework.” I asked

“Im fine. I just have to revise my paper and turn it in. ” Keith said plainly as he started to eat his food.

“Well let me tell you about my day…”

I began to tell Keith about a situation that happened with my coworker and I. I started off with a what would you do question. But I got silence so I never even was able to actually tell my story. I literally asked what would you do if blah blah? And I got nothing back. Was I talking to a damn wall? Come on now.

“Keith, what would you do?”

Silence. He was eating his noodles while starting up his laptop. He gave me silence as if he started revising his paper and was trying to focus. To stop me from snapping, I just quit everything I was doing and went to shower.

This happens too often for me man. Imagine being so excited to talk to your boyfriend just to get pAid dust. All the time. It really sucks because when we’re good, We’re excellent. Imagine your significant other treating you so awesome and like you’re the queen of his world in front of all your friends. Making you smile and feel all special. Just for you to go upstairs to your room and not get that same energy. Instead you feel like you’re unwanted.

Unwanted. That’s how I’ve felt on way too many occasions. I’m fed up. Keith is so complicated and I hate it.

Before getting in the shower, I opened Twitter just to let out some type of frustration.

@ShiningShay: I’m so tired of this shit man

I scrolled a bit then got into the shower. I immediately started to cry. I’m not emotional from this one incident it’s this one and every time and other thing before it. He keeps coming to MY room and won’t even talk to me. That’s so disrespectful. Act like you love me, then you can get all sour. This particular thing has been going on for a few days. Eventually we’ll be good again, I just don’t know when.

I got out of the shower. And just relaxed in my towel for a minute. I didn’t even want to leave the bathroom. I grabbed my phone just to find a text message from Chris.

10:02pm Chris: You okay?

10:07pm Shai: Yea, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.

I really just wanted to tell him everything that’s going on. But, that’s against the code. You don’t tell your relationship problems to another man.

10:07pm Chris: No problem, just checking on you. How’s your relationship going?

This is not an uncommon question for Chris to ask. I was never able to figure out why he asks me this. I think he just wants to make small talk, but sometimes I’m like naw…he wants to know if I’m single.

10:08pm Shai: Going good, hbu? Got yourself a girl yet?

Last semester, our spring semester of sophomore year, he’d come to my room in between our classes and we’d talk about his girl problems. Seriously. His girl problems, his friend problems, and any other thing. He claims he’d come to my room to nap since he moved off campus but this dude never went to sleep. He’d always wanna talk.

I decided to leave the bathroom. Keith and I still said no words to each other, it was still awkward and I kept laughing because of it. Not too long after i made myself comfortable, Keith closed his computer and got in the shower. I always feel like he’s cheating on me when these times come around. Keith honestly doesn’t have much time to cheat and I truly believe he couldn’t. I become the girlfriend that checks her boyfriends phone around times like this. I know, horrible. But can you blame me? If Keith isn’t talking to me, he gotta be talking to somebody but no. He’s never secretive. He’ll leave his phone around me, even ask me to check and respond to messages. He doesn’t do weird things that make me suspect that he’s cheating other than not talk to me.

It doesn't help that Keith is as fine as he is. So I always end up thinking some girl stole his attention from me. Keith and I met through mutual friends but I already knew who he was prior to us meeting. He was literally jaw dropping fine. I seen him and was stuck one day. Yea I don't know how I got him. But the universe wanted us together for whatever reason. It worked out though. Through his rollsrcoaster emotions we made it 1 year and 6 months. We'll make 2 years in March. If we can get to March.

10:24pm Chris: Lol no, no girlfriend. You know that.

10:25 Shai: I was just asking lol remember last semester you was telling me about those girls. You said you was thinking about wifing one.

10:25 Chris: Oh yeah! Wow Shay, that was so long ago. Things changed lol. If I had a girl, you’d know. No doubt.

I probably wouldn’t know. I don’t talk to Chris like that. We made a promise that we’d try to work on our friendship over the summer. We said that when school started we’d talk and hang more. So here we are.

Keith came out of the bathroom and began getting his things together for tomorrow.

“Did you get your paper turned in?” I asked him

“Yes” He said, but this time not as dry.

10:29pm Shai: You’ll get one lol then we’ll see.

I turned my phone on vibrate. I didn’t want to start any arguments on why Chris was texting me. Keith and Chris don’t know each other. They’re two different kind of guys, they’d probably never even run into each other. I don’t mind them knowing each other, Keith does know that Chris and I are friends. I just don’t want him to trip that it’s 10:30 and we’re talking about him not having a girlfriend. Even though the conversation isn’t like that.

Keith got into bed after he finished up his nightly routine. He told me goodnight and rolled over. I continued to play on my phone and text Chris. Homecoming is in 2 and a half weeks so I’m choosing between my final 3 outfits so I can order them. Homecoming came quick this year. September 30. Like wtf. We just started school. How can I focus on school work and what I’m gonna wear to the hoco parties??

I sent pics to my best friends, Ashley and Kammy. We’ve been helping each other so we won’t go out looking busted. Or in the same outfit.

I eventually finished up my convo with Chris. He asked me what I was doing, I lied and told him I was going to sleep. We ended our conversation with a goodnight. I really didn’t wanna keep talking with him. Plus I really did need to go to sleep.

————

I woke up the next morning to Keith calling me to open my door. He went to work and class. So it’s almost 9:30am. I hate being woken up out of my sleep so much. He knows that but, I’ve been doing better. I normally give him a huge attitude when he calls in the morning to open my door. I have no clue how he gets in the building but whatever. He came in and greeted me happily, shockingly. He talked to me about work and then we went back to sleep until it was time for his next class and my first.

I woke up to Keith preparing for his next class, meaning that it’s time for me to wake up. It’s 10:50. My class is at 12. I kissed Keith goodbye and then checked my phone.

10:37am Chris: Goodmorning Shay 😌

I sent him a good morning back while carrying confusion all over my face. I don’t usually get a good morning message from Chris. I thought he was gonna say that he was about to come over and nap before his class or something. Like he used to. But no instead he sent:

10:40am Chris: how’s your morning going?

Since when does this happen? I only get messages like this from Keith. He texts me good morning everyday while he’s at work. Chris must be trying to make sure I’m not sad from yesterday. Matter of fact, that HAS to be why. It is why. That’s how Chris is. Being thoughtful and trying to make sure others are happy.

10:45 Shai: just getting started, I just woke up

10:46 Chris: I forgot you said you start at 12! Well enjoy your day Shay 😌

Let me stop thinking so hard on this…

Time to enjoy my day, as he said.

[sehunsgirl]

EXORDIUM in Newark pt.2

04/25/2017 // ACTUAL CONCERT ( pt.1 )

so, i want to start off by saying that even though the concert was supposed to start at 7:30PM, it didn’t start until 8:30PM. i was, at first, in the middle pit. i was VERY close, about 2nd/3rd row from the barrier. had a pretty okay view i was content at first. remember the line jumpers i told you about last post? ya a group of four of them and TWO of them were IN FRONT OF US, even though i DID NOT SEE THEM when i went to line up at 2:30AM. not only that but i NEVER SEEN THEM UNTIL RIGHT BEFORE LINING UP. 

the other two of them got separated from them i guess and they came and tried getting in front of me and my friend that was with me. we refused to let them. they already line jumped what else do they want you know? they got mad okay. THIS IS ALSO IMPORTANT. they were mad and were steadily pushing up against us as people were filing in. finally the lights went off and the VCR started, i was happy, i was content even tho i was being pushed up against because the two other girls were trying to get in front of me and my friend. 

( this will also be pretty long you are warned ! )

after about the mid point of the opening vcr is when their pushing got really really  bad and i was being SHOVED for no reason. JUST ME??? my friend is a bit stronger than me and she was able to hold her stand there but she was being pushed up against too and we were blocking them. when EXO comes out and they’re performing MAMA, they pushed me to the point i was standing s i d e w a y s . i was NOT facing the stage at this point.

i was having trouble moving, these two girls were still pushing at me and trying to get past me. i couldn’t even MOVE MY FEET. that’s when i started feeling very weird. my stomach was lurching, i couldn’t see exo cause i was forced sideways. listen, i’ve never been claustrophobic but i think it was spurred on. my friend looked at me and asked if i was okay all i could do was shake my head. couldnt move my arms my feet or anything the girls are still SHOVING at me.

Exo started performing monster, and now i cannot BREATHE. i needed water. my friends were trying to help me get water. the girls in front of me noticed, and tried to get the two girls in front of us’ attention to get the security guard that was RIGHT THERE. again, they ignored and pretended not to know.

Thankfully, the security ended up seeing me because now i was in tears you guys. i couldn’t breathe and it triggered an anxiety attack. he gave me a look that i understood was “ are you okay ? “ and i shook my head and made the motion for water and he IMMEDIATELY sprint off and came back seconds later with an already open water bottle and it was handed to me by the girls in front of me ( who were really REALLY sweet ). 

the water didn’t help and i ended up having to push myself OUT of the middle pit and at this point i was HEAVING for air, i was shaking, and i was crying.  the guy selling water seen me and was asking me if i was okay and he moved me to the one of the ladies working there. when i told her what was wrong ( somehow i got it out ), she motioned for this male EMT who literally RAN down the isle to me and took my arm and asked me what was wrong too. 

He then passed me to this really sweet female EMT who held my hand and took me back to the medical bay. for reference of when this is all happening it’s now the 3rd/4th song and they’re performing White Noise. so she sits me down, gives me more water, takes my info and is just really really nice to me. explained to me another girl had the SAME problem. 

she was talking to me to help me calm down. guys, this was the worst anxiety attack i’ve had in FOUR. YEARS. it took me a whole 10 minutes to calm down. by the time i was able to breathe, Artificial Love started playing. the EMT told me she had no idea who they were when she was back there and they were changing. then she found out they were who were performing and she laughed and then she asked me like who my favorite was , how long i’ve been a fan, etc. once i was okay, she told me i could stay at the back of the pit and if i wanted to i could try getting back in but to come back to her if something happened.

i did stay at the back of the pit the entirety of Artificial love. I watched it through the screens and i was okay at least. i was sad i missed White Noise but i was just happy i saw them again so i got over it pretty fast. now i tried to get BACK into the pit with my friend. they would not let me pass even tho they knew who i was so i left and went to the right side of the stage to try and weasel in there and then move left to get to her. i WAS able to get past a few people by telling them you know i just want to get to my friend. and i think they realized i really wasnt trying to push past them and i was getting their attention not trying to shove them so they let me pass. that’s when i met another girl who was pushed OUT of the pit away from her friend and was trying to get back to them too. so me and her stuck together and started helping each other get to the front to see them to try and get there.

that’s when i ended up on the right side of the stage in the pit i was the 3rd row back. we paused a lot to watch exo and enjoy the show every now and then so it took us 2? songs? to get there. ( we didn’t miss as much as it sounds like!! no worries! LMFAO ). after that we agreed to just enjoy the concert together and stay there. and i had a reallly really nice time after that. i made friends with this girl and the people i was around were WAY nicer!

a lot of people were making finger hearts and i wanted mine to get noticed because im ugly like that so when someone came to where they would be standing RIGHT in my line of vision ( honestly... i realized i was in a VERY good spot next to behind right by the barrier. i’ll be honest. ), i would IMMEDIATELY put my finger heart up like before anyone else hIFDJKSDSF. the third time i did it, kyungsoo saw it and literally beamed a smile at me and i was like ;3; .

listen, i probably looked a wreck at that point :( not only was i drying from being DRENCHED all day but i had an anxiety attack and was crying.... rip. so anyway during one of the ments, baekhyun was on the right end and i was right behind this really short girl so i could see right over here and was right in his line of sight.

i started putting my rilakkuma plush to the bottom of my face and making faces at him and he ended up looking over and went :) 

jongin noticed me about twice? kyungsoo twice and baek looked at me quite a number of times. be aware i didn’t film these because this time at the concert, i REALLY wanted to just watch them this time cause last time at EXOluxion i was at the barrier and i spent a lot of time filming. i didnt want to this time. and it was SO worth it. ( i did get some footage tho that i will post! ).

during the encore, the girls in front of me let me move next to the barrier to throw my plushes up there and the girl next to me threw my rilakkuma for me cause i was having trouble holding my fan, the lightstick and both my plushes.

sehun DID NOT pick up my vivi plush because he had two already and a mic so he wasn’t able to, but he DID see him and smiled so he is aware of it and im sure he prolly went back for it. and that’s all that matters to me i don’t need to see him pick up vivi 2.0 with my own eyes. him acknowledging it was enough.

so to be honest... despite the horrid line up and the small hiccup at the beginning for me, i had SO much fun and im so happy i got to see them again!! ♥