#im just tired. and its not fun. for me to even exist. and its not fun to watch me exist | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shinkai-kaiju · 3 months

Text

this game's flags are held together with fuckin hot glue and a dream is2g

#im gonna be spoiling rogue trader in the tags dw about it #remind me to make my flags CONSISTENT ACROSS THE BOARD.#when i build a game. this is wretched #trnya figure out why a dialogue option wont proc n it looks like it's been changed so thst it doesnt exist but more importantly #it was glitched before so that doing cerysin things invoked the opposite effect. but its been fixed. but i have not seen ANYONE say #anything about it. so anyways you no longer have to uno-reverse marazhai. in case you were wondering #idk if i actually wanna romance him i think i just like tormenting my followers #and having him around makes things funnier by the second #but if not him. jae is calling to me.....#yrliet has also won my heart i wuv her shes just vibin...#also quinn if yr reading these i did the quests in act 2 #definitely worth it. i smell trouble on the horizon and i cant wait to see what it is #havin a lot of fun even thiugh the pst 12 hours have been 'IM SO TIRED. NO MORE ELVES. NO MORE.#despite hating running around act 3 i think i have a newfound appreciation for the haemonculus. theyre like weirder fabius biles to me

5 notes · View notes

quarklynx · 28 days

Text

Casually flirting with the idea of fucking around and getting a master's degree. The time will pass anyway, right?

#lynx thinks #oh nooooooooooooooooo #nooooo i can feel the urge to be crazy and act on my hubris #ive just been talking to the grad students in the theater program and theyre taking like 9 credits a semester #and its all stuff that seems interesting or fun or at the very least useful unlike my undergrad degree #and im like... i can already sew as well as if not better than these grad students. i can for sure draw better for any designs i come up w #heck i can draw better than the current head costume designer faculty member for the university #so the little overcommitting gremlin in my brain is like ''yoi could totally do it. do it.''#and the other part of me is like ''im already so tired just from working again after needing to recover from burnout. how would i even?#so I'm sitting here Thinking about it...#a masters degree in theater might be better for finding work at a pre-existing institution than just a bachelors in art #and it might be better than a masters in art too #I'd have to stop taking commissions completely probably if i did it for the sake if time #but if i somehow got an assistantship position? then maybe?? i could do it?#oooooooh i hrm so hard y'all #its only been a week since moving and ao much is still in boxes. im only working part time but I'm tired now so much #idk if its just because my stamina levels have atrophied or what but im so. tired. these days #and by these days i mean in the last week.#maybe a week isn't long enough of a sample to work from.#im hoping my energy levels will even out a bit but with the time zone change and the fact that I'm almost 30 I'm not sure if it will?#so thats worrying #i actually kind of see why people seem to drink coffee every day now #I've definitely been eating a lot more normally since i started. both in timing and quantity #i still have projects of my own to work on i cant afford to be so eepy orz

3 notes · View notes

toastsnaffler · 4 months

Text

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out #not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her #like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool #it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun #i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again #but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too #to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together #thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all #like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad #and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do #and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends #im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for #but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen #to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it #i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and #decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen #and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree #but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most #and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen #and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway #so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me #which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its #crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it #idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her #i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of #resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different #and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has

2 notes · View notes

mechawolfie · 9 months

Text

i dont like when all the fears of the day ball into one big Ball Of Sad at night. not fun.

#smudgy.txt #.vent #idk whats wrong i was coping so well today (avoiding thinking abt my problems by #focusing on character writing instead)#its so frustrating when u just dont know what else to do. so u just.. do nothing.#but that doesnt make it go away!!!! grr!!!!!#u know what else is fucking frustrating. the 'my friends dont like me' feeling #not going away even when u have fun w ur friends. its not FAIR #its not fair knowing for a fact there is nothing uniquely wrong w u #yet at the end of the day u cry thinking abt all the ways ur existence was a fuck up #its not fair knowing ur allowed to hurt but feeling like a lazy pos for it anyway #ive spent so many days locked up in this room BECAUSE LEAVING IT MAKES ME FEEL #REALLY BAD!!!!!!! AND IM TRYING TO FUCKING GET EVEN A CRUMB OF ENERGY!!!!!!!#and i feel soooo terrible horrible like a wretched person for it #and itll just never end. itll never end. lord i am so tired

4 notes · View notes

sprinklethetangerine · 5 months

Text

I think this is a pretty reasonable situation to cry in, right?

#ughhhhh #you know what becausd i hate myself (not really dw) this isnt gonna be a vaguepost #if youre reading the tags buckle the fuck up #so last week and the week before were spring break for me #and the week before was jjst full of studying and exam stress to the point where i couldnt attend my archery lessons #cause all i was doing at that time was either studying or feeling like shit for not studying #but when spring break hit actually THE VERY SECOND it arrived I had to go to another city about two hours away to visjt family #and guess what? I STAYED THERE FOR ALMOST THE WHOLE ENTIRE SPRING FUCKING BREAK #so i couldnt even do most of the shit i wanted to #and even there i couldnt enjoy my time #why? because ALL I DID was study. my cousin tutors me and I was failing these 3 specific subjects #so she was helping me withtgem and she wouldnt leave me be #and when my (undiagnosed) adhd made me shit at focusing and my mind keot wantering and i kept looking away because i was understimulated #i got shouted at which was not very fun #whats worse is she did it in front of people. literally in public.#then we come back home THANKFULLY and she comes with us. because of course.#and now all my time all of it except for one or two hours of the day is just studying #the only free time i have is when she sleeps #and school. literally never in my life have i been happy to go to school and yet id rather be there than here.#but what choice do i really have #its either this or fail the exams #it gets worse. on thursday i was really tired from school. i came back and PASSED OUT #and by passed out I mean PASSED OUT #idk if it was cause it was hot outside or school just drained my energy but i could barely exist at that point #then my cousin finds me on the couch sweaty and basically dying #what does she do? she wakes me up like “alright time to study”#so yesterday i did charity work and it involved carrying a lot of heavy boxes and stuff so i naturally came back drained and tired and she #STILL WANTED ME TO STUDY so the second we got back I just slept and i was practically comatose so she coukdnt even wake me up #i slept for 11 hours and woke up to MORE STUDYING HURRAY and then at 5 i went to archery class and we got back at 8 and she WONT STOP #i just want to go home. im so tired. physically and mentally and emotionally. i just wanna go fucking home.

2 notes · View notes

dapper-nahrwhale · 1 year

Text

Hmmm. Having a predicament and I am curious to see what I should do cuz like:

So one of my players will not be available to play in the next session of our fairy tale ttrpg game. Not a big problem, but we have had this planned for weeks as it was one of the only times all 6 people are avalible to play. Now, we could just catch them up later.

But last session I thought it was about time to reveal some big plot things to the players (ie their world is not real, they are characters in a book, the world has just been destroyed and now they have to figure out what to do next as a group, they believe everyone they know to be dead, they arent but they dont know that yet, there are wars going on abt things they dont even know abt yet). And we couldn't play the week after the big stuff, so now we can finally play.

But I dont want to leave anyone out of these big things, as I am going to be revealing even more stuff abt how the world works now and going thru some individual character story arcs with them. I could just put off doing those things till later, not that big a problem usually. But I have also been doing that since the very first session.

And also everyone is really really eager and wanting to play again, and this is not the first time someone has had to miss a game, actually we havent had all 6 players there for a session together since the first one, and that was 5 months ago. Every other time I put off revealing the big things, but now I already did, and cant really put any more filler in it for them (and last session when the world got destroyed, I had anticipated all players to be there, and 2 couldn't make it at the last minute and I went through with my plans anyways, and caught up the others later in individual sessions. And that worked out well enough, it was just alot to do, and now that things are more serious I anticipate ill be doing that for everyone who misses a session, because things are going to be moving at a much faster pace now.)

And I am also very very tired of planning out things for them, and then having half the players be there, and having to come up with new things and not being able to continue or create any bigger plot points, and now seeing as we are in the bigger plot things going on, I kinda really would like everyone to be there from now on. But also. I do not anticipate being able to get everyone there for any session, as it has been an impossible feat for the entire campaign.

I AM going to be consulting with the group to see what they would like to do as a whole, but you know. I am curious to see what other people would do tbh.

#im just. so sick of having people miss sessions. idk if i should just start rescheduling it.#but. if we start rescheduling it every time someone will miss a session. then we wont play again.#because seruously we havent had the full group there since session 0. work schedules always get in the way. but this time isnt a work thing.#b.text #just.... aghk. i cant move on with any plot things that involve all players to be present because we have never had all of them there.#>:((((( frustrating. you see my predicament now #is this partially me venting abt this? maybe so. because i am just. so sick of this hapoening every single time.#every single session i anticipate all players there. and it doesnt happen #and i have to rewrite my plans last minute. and now its even more serious because missing a game now #when like. i am finally getting to the parts i have been planning to get to since we came up with the game idea. its just soooo.#aghk.#this a frustrating thing to happen every once in a while. and it happens evry single week #this is also my first gamethat has lasted longer than like. 3 sessions #fun fact! i have never been part of a campaign thats lasted this long #allof them fall aprt after the first few sessions due to ta da scheduling!!!!!#afgghhhggg. very tired of this thing. i was gonna have them all go thru the stories they came from #and figure out some stuff. then the war between the ink and eraser. and that its really abt following ypur destiny with no agency #and destorying the very fact destiny exists by erasing everything. and more meta stuff like that.#its very ever after high inspired tbh..#tbh this whole thing really makes me feel as though they dont get how much work i put into these things for them to have fun and they do #i just. do not have fun with it very much. i want to get to the big plot meta destiny book fairy tale things so bad!#and every time i plan stuff. i cant do it cuz people are missing. so. like. aghaak.#the most the players will engage with the story and plot is like. to date npcs. which idc abt doing at all. but #that is ALL we have been doing. well that and like. pther stuff idk im jist so annoyed abt this aaa.#like. they just dont remember most of the plot stuff thats happened. or they will literally walk away from the game to do other stuff #the moment its not abt their character they stop listening. or theyre playing video games while playing this game.#and they dont remember the whole session. like. agh. i just want to get to the fun part.#alao it just started storming really scary bad so.#ok im doneeeee. fine #i really love this game so i dont want to not play it but. dam is it annoying every week. and im tired of is so.

4 notes · View notes

playingonedchess · 20 days

Text

how is it that i can feel nostalgic about the time i was sitting on the pavement under an overpass in a foreign country crying because something didnt go my way and gave me a bit of a largish bill but clearly really cause there must be something wrong with me

#this post started out being about nostalgia being for the past not just fun stuff but then it turned into what the fuck is wrong with me #nah like i dont actually cry in public or anything #there was no one around and i had my hood up #also when its strangers in a foreign country youll never ser again who dont notice your existence that princippal becomes less important #and yes it wasnt actually that much of a big deal im just stingey and think it was unreasonable and it wasnt my fault #only it actually sort of was if id actually bothered to use google and translate or actually ask someone and if id been less stingey in #the first place there wouldnt have been a misunderstanding and i wouldnt have got in trouble #but yes the point is the fact that i was cyring about it was a total overreaction and completely pathetic #even though cyring in privates like actually fine and this was basically private its still pathetic #i can say it was general stresses or whatever i guess which is probably true i dont know why else id do it #except that im a stupid pathetic self pitying loser thatll jump on any chance to feel sorry for myself #i suppose since i dont have much of a life i never feel emotions much any more cause theres nothing happening to make me feel them #so considering that it does make more sense and doesnt sound so bad #well whatever reason in general i dont think its a normal or balanced reaction #but thats how it works isnt it lots of small things build up and you ignore them but eventually something tips you over the edge #and i get pissed off or very very occassionally might cry about it #maybe it isnt even that unbalanced when i put it like that #or maybe im just justifying it cause i cant admit i really am that pathetic #but anyway the nostalgias more fun to think about #even though it was only a few months or so ago #maybe its cause i feel like i have to grasp onto any past i have at all to show i have an existence so i feel like i have an identity #or whatever im too tired its like 2am #am i actually going to post this #i shouldnt #not that being pathetic on the internet where theres such a minute chance some random stranger might see it makes any difference

0 notes

29121996 · 2 months

Text

.

#im gonna say smth and no one is allowed to say a fucking Word. i need to . type this out bc i cant Say It Out Loud #but . it is slighrly disgusting and patheyic (imo) and just . huh .#anyway . the tightening in evety inch of my body at the idea that . i might not get what i want (*) . but that even if i dont get that #ill get Something somewhat better n its just .#hard to swallow. bc im so tired for settling for what i dont want .#like letting go of shit ivrlly want for smth thats supposedly better for me #letting did not look like a real word just then what the fuck man #anyway . it is awful bc like . having so many realisations n realising that . ive forgiven a lot less and a lot worse .#n its a whole thing i cant get into bc im figuring out what exactly . thst sys abt me and where it stems from #it feels Okay . like its coming grom a Good Place. n not one of low seld worth #but like . having to possibly actually settle for less than what i actually want . is awful bc i dont like doing that and im tjred of doing #that. even if its good / better for me?#i cannot think of any other situstion simular rn other than yhe job fuckery. but . never wity a person #have i felt like this. n i dont know where or why its a Thibg. butcit is. ajd i dont know why hes fucking different.#but so much is out of my control !!!! and idk what to do anymore except just . keep pretendinf he doesnt exist #and moving like i did in high school: just zignoring how i feel bc i see the fucker constantly #it genuinely does parallel to hs rn how do i keep .#but also how is this a conpletely new situstion ive Never Exprrienced. how is this haopening to me.#i keep thinkibg abt the letter j wroye to my 21st (on my 18th) n i havent opened it #bc i missed opening it actually on my 21st. so i decided to live out actually being 21 before i #opebed the letter just to see how much had actually changed.#gonna open it aroubd my birthday. im terrified. bc i reread that letter 5x vefore wrappibg it uo. and ive thought abt it Constantly #to rmber its contents bc im Obsessed with it somehowm butbi still dont know .#i plan tocwritr another for my 25th. n 27th thrn again my 30th.#theyre fun lil time capsules . n its nice . i used to do 6montg to yearly ones but . shit got so bad i did Not wanna keep writing abt it .#so . this Will be fun . it was the 1st attemot at that too like . its why i started the 6mth letters bc i wanted to see the gradual sgifts #n reread them on my 21st but life had other plans apparently.#anyway.

0 notes

bungusofficial · 4 months

Note

mutual how are you so good at getting into arguments with people who agree with you

probably bc i only respond to people who cant write or read

"rape play can be consented to" and "rape can be consented to" are VERY different sentences. n like honestly i shouldnt even have bothered.

if you have such a fundamental misunderstanding of the english language i wont waste my time trying to communicate with you. when every word means something different its not really english anymore is it. if everything u say is so divorced from the english language that i need to ask you to repeat and translate everything i dont think im at fault here

i might just cut contact w anyone in the community because everything i say is misunderstood and misrepresented and not taken seriously if im not sucking up to people.

and so many words have new double-meanings and im led to think i disagree with ppl because theyre fucking incapable of writing a coherent sentence. and then its my fault somehow.

and its not like 'transid' or paraphilia dont exist outside of the radqueer community. everyone wants to change things about themselves. everyone changes. people are into weird shit and have mental disorders. i dont have a problem with peoples experiences.

n if rqs put any effort into what they say (or even didnt blame me for assuming that a word doesnt have any new secret meaning) id treat it the same as the mogai or liom community. whatever. kinda fun. sometimes theres a relatable label

.delete later

#i do have a deep insecurity about being stupid and always confused and people not understanding anything i say #ableist shit #but i also dont see anything wrong with how i talk from my perspective #i dont know why whatever is wrong with me is wrong with me #other autists dont like or understand me #but like. even if theres something fundamentally wrong with me im not gonna bend over backwards and make myself palatable you anyone.#i dont give a shit really. no one has to like or understand me ig #also. 'where do you guys find animal rape porn?'. im not hanging out near a community where thats as common as it is and people you reblog #from like that shit.#im aware that 'not all of us' and 'theres bad apples everywhere' but thw queer community doesnt have a Huge chunk that believes in #legalizing rape.#and i dont think id hang out in any other community that does.#also #not as bad obviously but so many people being pathetic. identities for when youre trans but have internallized so much transphobia tha #t youre calling yourself cis now #you have intrusive thoughts so now you say youre transharmful.#its a whole lot of letting outside factors control your identity which is just miserable to look at for me #and not a vibe i wanna be around #sometimes theres straight up bigotry 'afab 4 afab because duhh afab means pussy. and transsexuals dont exist' or treating birth assignment #as a gender #you see that in the regular queer community too i just feel like complaining #im just tired of this. every day i log on to tumblr and see a rq post and go 'wow/damn these people are extremely annoying and detached #from the english language'.#fucking. even transgender in a transid context has a different meaning #ppl say transgender isnt a transid and like. theyre right and theyre also wrong.#transgender(transid version) isnt the fucking same as transgender(queer community)#and this isnt me being genuine but lets have some fun with radqueer etymology and twist transgender even further. trans- in a transid #context means (change) with intent.#i did not choose my gender with intent..therefore actually i am a cisgender male.#so if i do end up fucking blocking you then you know why

1 note · View note

a-caterpillars-world · 5 months

Text

tavros........... im done reading for today cuz fuck going through another video game session but Goddamn. as much as him and vriska being a couple upsets me (because frankly he deserves better than this) i cant say i didnt see it coming.... now its just a matter of time before shit hits the fan (AND THANKS TO SOME ASSHOLE THAT DECIDED TO DROP A LOVELY GIANT SPOILER ON MY POST I THINK I HAVE A HUNCH AS TO HOW)

#homestuck liveblog #i did meet rufioh though. the fact that hes real is fun but oh my God maybe im just wiped but i cannot stand him #i thought we were done with using slurs to be funny hussie. im so tired #this character couldve been so cool. idk maybe ill soften to him tomorrow but right now two is tired and a little pissed #everything that makes tavros charming is completely lost on rufioh like its like im staring into a character funhouse mirror #tavros is fun because of how Sincere he is about everything that makes him ''embarrassing'' to others #hes a complete open book about his insecurities and what the rufio persona actually means to him and Even If Its A Bit thats fun to me #but making rufioh a real guy whos also a complete tool is just. mghhhh i dont like it. what is the point #its another domino in the chain of ''traits that exist to tell you that this character is a bit and not a person'' and its so frustrating #i mean thats on me for getting my hopes up ig #I Want Tavros To Have Development says two. a finger on the monkeys paw curls #anyways reminder for tomorrow two youre on page 7298

1 note · View note

the-acid-pear · 9 months

Text

I'm sooo frustrated with my dad atm. I'm exhausted in general as previously mentioned but my dad's refusal to solve anything which directly affects me because I depend on him. Like I'm fucking disabled that's the thing and the more I'll stay the same if I'm not given the tools and help and etc I need.

#luly talks #takes a dramatically long drag from my cigar this relationship is driving me to madness this relationship is making me feel unlovable #because i need people i depend on people to exist but he treats me needing help as an annoyance it's very shitty!!!#and this is the main and only face to face relationship i have so OF COURSE it affects me OF COURSE it affects me to know i can rely on my #family for even the most important of things!!!#might have come to this realization thru conversation with a certain Blondie for the record very important stuff #on top of this tho like today i just ate an egg half an onion and like #a quarter of an eggplant. because he ate all the noodles and i am TOO FUCKING TIRED TO COOK #LIKE THAT'S THE THING THE MORE THE ISSUE GOES ON FOR THE WORST IT'LL GET #issue being: my back is in shambles #and like after i ate that bc he said last night there's 4 eggplants left for you tomorrow (!!!) i TOOK HIS WORD #BECAUSE HE SAID THAT #and at 1 pm he calls me because i didnt COOK FOR HIM #LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY FRUSTRATION?!#I'VE BEEN COOKING ALMOST EVERY DAY NOW AND its going from this fun creative endeavor to a task I'm not even thanked for!!#like im not talking cooking some noodles frying some milanesas I'm talking standing there UP TO A WHOLE HOUR COOKING #and i don't even have a matress i can sleep in that won't double my back pain!!!#I'm soooooo tired i feel sooooooo lonely

0 notes

afternines · 1 year

Text

.

#am i selfish for wanting people to care about me? am i arrogant for thinking im worth caring for?#i dont fucking get it #am i just unlikeable???#i keep trying so hard to be interesting #to be someone people have fun talking to #and no fucking looks at me #i dont exist!!!!!#wtf am i doing wrong??#why wont anyone care about me???#im so angry im so close to just snapping at everyone #and i wont allow myself to actually snap. because people wont understand. theyll think its misplaced anger #and ill actually make myself the villain #(if im not already)#but im so fucking tired #can someone for godsake just tell me what im doing wrong #what is so wrong about me #am i too boring? too dumb? do i make people uncomfortable?#i know i shouldnt expect anything from the internet but this is the only place i could find a community i could enjoy #and even here i am not welcome #why does no one fucking care #its not fair #what did i do to deserve this #i wanna be important too #i wanna make people laugh and i want people to look at my art and i want people to like my tweets #its so fucking dumb #but i wanna exist too #i dont want to speaking to walls constantly #it fucking hurts

0 notes

toastsnaffler · 4 months

Text

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(