#im just taking creative liberities left and right

[plutoonwheels]

the. its them

My designs for lizzie and pearl!!

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[drashleighreid]

not to be SAPPY on main but these past few months have been so transformative. i have been so lucky and blessed, i have learned so much and received so many wonderful blessings it’s almost unreal. i moved into the most beautiful one bedroom apartment and i live by myself and i couldn’t love it any more?? it’s everything i’ve ever wanted. i have huge windows and i can sit on my couch in the sun and read and watch birds drink the nectar from the flowers in the tree right beside me 😭 i can cook, and listen to music, and walk around in my underwear, and sing, and dance, and invite people over, and decorate how i want, and it’s just so liberating and the most beautiful space and it makes me so happy. i got a new car and its LIT !!!! its almost everything i’ve wanted from a car i love it so much FUCK it literally has ASS warmers for my cold ASS. bless. i made a FILM that has been extremely well received !!!! and im so proud of it. the cast and crew i worked with were the most wonderful, amazing human beings i’ve ever encountered in my life and we’re all really good friends now ??? and we DID that ?? im so excited to enter it into film festivals and to continue working on creative projects !!! ive just met the most wonderful people too ?? so many kind, interesting, warm-hearted, funny people who i’ve connected with on such beautiful levels. people who’ve made me feel so good about myself, and the person that i am. people who have made me feel happy to know them. people who have made me feel so excited to be alive in that moment sharing with them and hearing their stories !!!! all of my relationships with people just feel so much stronger !!! my family in particular, i have never been closer with them before and im so excited to go and spend christmas with them. i’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin and happier to be me. not that its conducive of anything or really important or necessary, but i’ve lost quite a bit of weight this year and i just feel a lot more comfortable in my skin, mostly because it’s linked to the out of control feelings id have when i used to binge eat for comfort, which i don’t do anymore. so feeling more in control of how i take care of myself and my body just makes me feel more beautiful and confident and i love it. i’ve started working out regularly again and am getting back into the fitness classes that i used to teach and im enjoying it so much!!! i feel stronger already and i love taking care of my body. i forgot how much working out and pushing myself physically is a vital part of who i am and what i enjoy. i missed the challenge and i love the environment and who i am. im just !!! so excited for everything and so happy its so magical considering how rough the first half of this year was for me in terms of my self-confidence and the negativity i just felt swamped by and the helplessness i felt in every facet of my life. it just feels like i had one of those turning points where every single area of my life improved so quickly that it left me breathless. but i DID that. im so passionate about things again. im being creative and working on original things, im hanging out with really cool people, ive been reading SO many books recently which has been something thats gone by the wayside for quite a while for me, ive been teaching myself piano and tarot and im excited to try new things and push myself because its just so beautiful to be alive and learn new things im so GRATEFUL ,,, fuck 

i JUST ,,, this is such a long post and im no doubt forgetting things that im just so HAPPY about but DAMN. if you read this thank you and thank you for just existing and i hope good things come to you. i feel like im in such a good place to send positive vibes into the universe and im sending all of mine to u love u thank u 🌻💕💖

[nicotinetalks]

 PREVIOUSLY, ON TOXIC CITY: GALA...

The History of Dertosa Gala has started off grandly! The mayor has been pleasantly surprised by what is now the biggest turnout since 1999, which is in huge thanks to the amount of Toxins attending the event. With the Poisons hired as extra security, the Toxins have been stealing the show with not only their presence but with their undeniable style and overall aura. Many of the Pills in attendance are also in awe of this, especially when for many, it is their first time. 

         ....Perhaps, the city has started to warm up to the sanctions and maybe, the divide is not as apparent as it used to be.

HOWEVER, CURRENTLY...

As swimmingly as the night may be, the elite has something else to say about it. While the new mayor has been an overall joy to the city of Dertosa, his liberal views have made it infinitely harder for the elite to distinguish themselves from the people they dislike the most: Toxins. Pairs, groups, and various individuals of the elite have devised several, yet subtle plans in hopes of sabotaging the already suspicious reputation of the Toxins of Dertosa. They hope, as their plans play out throughout the night, the public’s opinion will turn their heads away from social equality. The elite will do anything to keep the Toxins at the bottom of the food chain, no matter the cost. 

Eyes follow the many guests that arrive this evening... however, there were a few that caught the eyes of the elite: 

“SPIKE THE PUNCH!” - Suggested by the wealthy businessman, Arthur Kingsman, ‘spiking the punch’ has to be this little group's favorite task of the night. They imagine it resulting in exposing Toxins as sloppy alcoholics at the Gala. Mr. Kingsman approaches WINSTON MOREAU ( @handscanheal ) to complete the task for them. What better way to kick things off?

“THE DOMINO EFFECT!” - The trio of Helen, Heather, and Harriet, more known as The Basin’s instigators, are at the head of this one. As members of the exclusive Basin Country Club, these three are infamous for their wealthy husbands and runny mouths. They love trouble, which is why they sought out The Flower Ring’s CYPRESS ( @rebelliumhq  ) to begin turning the gears in their plan. The favor is innocent and direct: to take an expensive brooch cased in a velvet black handbag to ANGEL ( @yourxvngel  ), as they’ve ‘borrowed it and had planned to give it back’. And once it falls in ANGEL’s hands, a note greets her with instructions (and blackmail) to place the item in FRENCHIE’s ( @ofxfrenchie ) possession. No big deal, right? Oh, but the item is stolen, so won’t you look at that? Who would’ve thought the Drinks were no good thieves?

“SNAG THE DATE!” - Call it envy with malicious intent, but Bruce Penn is the mastermind for this. He had been dating Miss Dertosa for months until she left him for another wealthy bachelor: Travis O’Malley. Consumed with jealousy, he hopes to enlist the help of OPIUM ( @cassiopivm ). He had chosen the Drug (knowingly, of course) to break the couple to appease his pain. Playing the pity card, Mr. Penn will tell OPIUM of his heartbreak and ask her to break them up. Little does she know, Travis has been cheating on Miss Dertosa for months and Opium would just prove Bruce’s point once she’s on his arm: Drugs are heartless and selfish and don’t belong in this city.

“SAY NO TO THE DRESS!” - Jealousy consumes a young elite heiress as she watches the dress she chose for Morphine be displayed on the Poison’s leader: NIGHTSHADE ( @nghtshvde ). Furious, she’ll be causing mild scenes throughout the night. STRIKER ( @streiknine ), unbeknownst to him, gives the girl the spiked punch to calm her down. It was as much of a Poison’s duty to secure the building as it was to keep the guests happy. Now an angered drunk, the heiress follows NIGHTSHADE outside, greeting her with a violent act. Fists fly, and that pretty red dress? Ruined! Oh, and looks like the heiress is underage. How can the Alchemist be so unprofessional? Beating on a minor? That is not looking good.

“CAUGHT RED HANDED!” - Melissa Clarke is Dertosa’s own social media star. Popular for her online platform, there’s nothing Ms. Clarke hates more than the attention deterring away from herself. Annoyed by the presence of the Toxins, Ms. Clarke heads to the Import Musem’s vase collection - brought over from all over the country. One tap and the multicolored vase from China falls to the floor in pieces. With the power of persuasion, Ms. Clarke will convince GRAYSON RIDDLE ( @angelofmore ) and HONEYSUCKLE ( @lennon-kensington ) into the vase exhibit, and frame them for the crime. This means Flowers are incapable of keeping their hands to themselves, no surprise there. 

OOC INFORMATION: Please note that elite members asking them to do such things do not seem very suspicious at all to their true intent. Characters chosen should feel surprised, but weirdly open to oblige by their little tasks and orders (unless you’re Angel, then oops!). Members are free to tackle these tasks via self-para, starter, or thread with anyone that you wish! Get creative! For those not selected for this plot drop, please know that this group was randomly chosen! We encourage those not mentioned to plot with those who are as a way of getting involved! We will also be including those not chosen in this plot drop for our next event! If there any questions or concerns, please let us know through our IMs on the main or our character’s accounts!

REMINDER: These are just what the elite expect the outcome to be, but your character can decide whether or not to go with it. If they’re not easily persuaded or are very calculative people, then feel free to reject the task given to them or prove their innocence in your threads/self-paras! The result of these tasks will determine what the population thinks of the sanctions - they either accept them or hate them or anything in between! Once the event ends, we will go over what happened that night to determine the verdict! The fate of the Toxins are in your character’s hands, make it count. Please like this post if you’ve read this far!

[justdungeonmasterthings]

Dungeons and Dragons Black Friday episode!

Your players stumble upon a shop that is having a massive sale on magical items! We’re talking healing potions as low as 10 GP, +3 swords for only 5,000 GP! A rug of flying for the low low price of 15,000 GP! Everything must go! This witch made an error on her order list and bought too much of EVERHTHING and her boss is telling her she has to get rid of it all even if they lose money!

Little do they know it’s all cursed....

The curses don’t take effect for three days. Until then, casting detect magic reveals the items are exactly as they are advertised.

The magic weapons are sentient and cursed and once you attune to them you gain the same curse. If you drink the magic potion after three days it has a random effect which ranges from turning your hair blue to taking 4d8 psychic damage. Consult the wild magic table for sorcerer or pretty much an effects table for ideas. If they took it before the third day they heal but after the third day healing spells and potions don’t work on them and they can’t use their hit dice. That rug of flying? Yeah, 30% chance it’ll drop you after ignoring your commands and flying straight up 100ft. Also it could totally be a rug of smothering, who knows.

That witch is totally a sweet woman who did make an honest mistake but her boss has been replaced by a doppelgänger who’s under the employement of a hag. Once the witch goes home for the evening he lets the hag into the store and she cursed all the items. The witch only realized what was going on when she left her component pouch at work (she’s very absent minded and scatter brained) and came back to find the hag there cursing new items.

She came to find your party to help her. The witch was kind enough to help you resolve immediate effects of the curses but she can’t permantly break them unless they slay the Hag. Worse yet almost everyone in town bought so many items that the town is in havoc. The party has a few options:

1. Assist the witch collecting the magic items from the town. There’s no guarantee that once the hag is dead all the items will be neautralized, so gathering them up will ensure that they can be dispelled permanently after she’s slain. This could lead to conflict with the townsfolk who blame the innocent witch since she was the sales clerk, but it also might prove beneficial because if the town is free of the magic items they might form a mob to hunt down the hag (this will depend on persuasion rolls)

2. Go directly to the store in hopes of stopping her in the shop again. But you underestimated her, she anticipated you might do this and decided to play along. She had the doppelgänger pose as her and have a mini battle with your party where he used magical items to give the impression he’s really the witch. Have your party make a intelligence and perception check both with a DC 15 and they’ll be able to infer that the “hag” isn’t actually casting spells but rather using magic and deduce this is a ruse. If they miss one of the checks they can tell somethings not right but they’re not sure what. If your party has faced hags before give them advantage or lower the DC to 10.

If they figure out it’s a ruse the doppelgänger will immediately drop the act and attempt to flee, heading towards the nearby woods. If they slay him his dying action will be to crawl towards the woods still in the hag form. It’s pretty obvious the real hag is in the woods. If they chose option 1 then they get to the store and it’s deserted as well as cleaned out. As the search the back room they’ll see a figure leaving towards the woods.

Treversing in the woods isn’t an easy task. The path is littered with environmental traps like quick sand, pit falls and rough terrain. Depending on the level of your players you can also throw a few monstrosities their way as guards for the hag: re skin a water weird to be a swamp weird (the water is just green and mucky), throw an ooze their way maybe, some dire wolves or normal wolves but clearly under the hags control, maybe an awakened shrub or blights.

Once they arrive at her lair, make sure she has appropriate lair actions. While hags don’t officially have lair actions Volos guide has a wonderful section on hag lairs but essentially they’re loaded with magical items she can use. Pretty much take any spell you want her to use, put it in an item and reflavor it to be hag like: a broken mirror recreates cloud of daggers as a cloud of shards, using wasp stingers on herself acts as cure wounds, throwing a toad into a couldron will replicate the effects of Darkness etc.

If the players chose option 1 then the doppelgänger is still alive and will assist her. If the players chose option 2 and he escaped he’ll be on the brink of death and she might kill him herself out of spite for his failure. If he died in the battle then obviously he’s not there. If they chose option 1 and succeeded in persuasion rolls convincing the town folk the witch is innocent and the hag is the culprit, they might be able to lend a hand. A hag will always flee if her life is in danger so if she does attempt to flee the lair the towns folk might encircle the lair and prevent her from leaving easily, giving you a chance to catch up. Perhaps one or two of the townsfolk is familiar with the woods and will assist you or even provide back up in a fight. If your players are high enough level consider making the hag a coven of hags for the appropriate CR.

After the battle: if they chose option 2 then there are still cursed (even sentient) items out in the town which may come to play later. Perhaps you’ll revisit the town and one or more of the items corrupted town officials. Be creative but make sure there’s an appropriate consequence for leaving the cursed items behind. If they chose option 1 then make sure the town treats them according to their persuasion rolls: they’re either hostile for attempting to steal their items or assisting the witch who cursed them or they’re grestful for liberating them from the hag and they forgive the witch for her unknowing involvement.

As for loot: some of the items weren’t cursed yet! The witch gives you some as thank you for your help and she uses the rest to rebuild her shop but with her as manager now! She might have to flee the town... but she’s resilient and will help you in the future, and she’ll offer you a discount in the future.

Varient: if you have a PC who’s leaning towards evil and you want to tempt them, this is the perfect opportunity. After the hag had been slain there’s one more magic item that’s still cursed remaining.... you get the sense she herself didn’t curse it and it’s an ancient curse. If they’re not a spell caster then it’s a magical sentient weapon like the sword of Kas or Kravenedge. If they’re spell caster, it’s a book of cursed and jynx. This was how the hag managed to trick everyone, she wasn’t using her own power but following the instructions of the book. The book details how to hid the true intent of a curse for three days so not even a detect magic spell can disclose its nature (im thinking of making homebrew curses and jynx’s besides the traditional Bestow Curse and Hex spells).

[fatouseckcreates]

New country. Same ol me.

I came to Senegal hoping to find myself back where I was in 2016 -  free, creative, anything was possible, troubles to the wind, exploring new territories, taking leaps of faith, going with the flow tuning into my truest self, discovering talents, surrounding myself with love and what I found here in 2019 was muchhhh different. I am different. 

In 2016 I left my cares behind, and in 2019 I took all of them with me, every last one lmao. I took them all with me and wondered why in this magical place where I felt different mentally, physically, emotionally, why I was feeling the same? Had the magic dried up? Did I not say the magic words? Did I forget stomp my right foot and click my heels three times? What? I prepared myself to find a job, saved my money in case of any emergencies, created the expectation for myself that I was going to turn over a new completely liberating chapter of my life. 

After 4 months I’ve chalked up the difference in my experiences to pressure. at 23 going on 24, I was just messing around, having fun, following my heart. At 27, I am trying to figure out my life trajectory and have something substantial to show for my talents. Still trying to prove that I know what Im doing, even when I blindly take the road less travelled. Knowing that everyone had questions and wanted to know exactly what it is I’m doing here and why, at a certain point I thought maybe if i just give an answer that sounds good they will be impressed and I’ll be motivated enough to pursue it for real. The initial pressure I put on myself to become a self made success story that amounted to more than bragging rights of living abroad and a slightly larger wolof vocabulary was multiplied tenfold. I played myself when I decided it would all be simple and straightforward. Here I was, expecting to get on a plane and leave all my mental baggage behind in NY when lo and behold I made space for all of it to come with me. Every last worry. I stopped writing because (get this) I had too much to say and none of it sounded nice or pleasing or matched my blog’s hopeful, bright new world aesthetic. 

Not only did I bring with me my baggage about getting older and meeting expectations for my career, meeting personal financial goals, relationship, family goals, but for the first time ever I attempted to live the bachelorette life, no mom and dad, brothers and sisters just me and two other adults coming and going as we pleased. I hated it lmao. It was quiet, it was boring, it was missing so much. And that’s no shade to my awesome roommates, I just came to realize, wtf am I doing here saying I want to be closer to my Senegal family and spending 5 days a week in my room, watching youtube and Netflix. Every time I visited my family in Parcelles or Rufisque I missed all the voices, the kids, the sounds and smells of cooking, the people coming and going, the neighbors. So when I had the opportunity I ran back to where I felt most at home. Initially it felt like I was giving up on trying to be a “real adult” but eventually I came to peace with the fact that this is the life that feels good and right and comfortable to me. 

Comfortable. That villainous word. Was I supposed to feel comfortable? Or was I supposed to challenge myself? Grow beyond self imposed restrictions and contentment. Theres always more to do, more to give, farther to stretch, but when and where do you go  to find peace after you have stretched yourself beyond your limits. You go home. Parcelles for me was home. Is home. I am home. Still, I cannot let go of all the things I’m “supposed to do”. It’s almost as if knowing the reception I got when I came back from traveling in 2017, now I have to present something bigger, shinier more astounding. I have to be bigger.

This feeling that I need to do more, to be more, have more to show, has always been present. And at times has kept me from creating from a place of depth, and total sincerity. Granted, everything I create comes from my heart, but in my quest for bigger and more astounding, in order for me to dive deep I had to be comfortable. Comfortable not with my career, life, financial goals but comfortable inside of myself. How can I be comfortable when I am worried?

The fact is, that while I will deny it I am often worried. Worried that what i have is not enough, that i don’t know enough, that i am having to make up for being perpetually disadvantaged in some way or another. That i am reaching too far ahead of myself, that i will settle back into unfruitful patterns. Worried that one day I will be old and still only wishing that I had acted on all the bright ideas I came up with while possessed by random stroke of genius. I took these worries with me and have yet to cast them away where they belong. My prayer for 2020 is that I find comfort in every part of my spirit. Even the crevices I’ve never shown light. 

[edwad]

How would you respond to the money/incentive discourse going on with Brett?

i think both parties are sorta talking past each other in that brett is advocating some form of market socialism/social democracy and communists are defending a stateless, moneyless, and classless society where the means of production are held in common. this isnt really an easy debate to have as if we’re talking about the same exact system and simply choosing whether or not to include money after the fact. 

i think on this point, communists tend to have especially weak arguments simply due to the convenient dismissal of money and all economic matters entirely in their end point, since they imagine they’ll solve all of these problems as if by magic and so the dirtier details aren’t important, being unique to less pure systems than theirs. a general ignorance of the economic calculation debate, which brett brought up (and which i sorta addressed recently), means that few if any are able to adequately address these historical issues, but that doesnt necessarily kill their points either. it also doesnt mean the argument is settled and money has won out. i think the question of whether or not this matter has been dealt with “sufficiently” by anyone, communist or otherwise, is going to largely be a matter of opinion. 

brett is essentially correct when he says that meeting everyones needs isnt an incentive structure if its unconditional, but i think we can be more creative in this regard than markets (although he did mention some other ideas, which i agree are generally pretty piss-poor). 

his proposal, if i understand him correctly, that a monetary incentive structure could and should still exist under conditions of a vague socialism has its own set of problems. he suggests that this would function after everyone else’s basic needs have already been met, and that money could still exist to make sure the dirty jobs get done. he echoes adam smith a bit in talking about how self interest can also work for the benefit of the public (brett still calls himself a liberal in the classical sense after all), but what goods would this money buy? luxury goods, presumably, since basic needs have already been met, but what about the historical movement from luxury to necessity, where things like cars and computers become transformed from symbols of wealth and power into every day use-values? at some point the current luxury goods might become commonplace through technological and productive advancement, making them fairly worthless compared to this newer much more powerful or scarce thing that becomes the new standard of luxury. 

in fact, with further automation in production, many if not all of these goods may become cheaper and cheaper to produce until their marginal cost falls close to 0 (something we’re already seeing right now in today’s very capitalist economy), at which point the use of money becomes very different. we’re living in a world where machines can now reproduce themselves, but we dont utilize a lot of this power because it clashes with our ability to maintain a consumer base. we can’t replace workers with machines without affecting the realization of profits. if we can achieve a genuine form of socialism with worker ownership of the means of production, it will be in each worker’s self interest to contribute as little as possible toward these dirty jobs, and through this we will likely find the answer to many of these problems with changes in production, as has generally been the case in the past. but even if we dont, even if we just utilize the technologies we have right now in a more efficient way (and we can imagine that productive advancements in the form of “labor-saving devices” would be discouraged by those seeking more money and not wanting to compete with and be outmoded by machines, in many ways slowing down the economy more than it has to be), the costs of these luxury goods, unless artificially propped up, would likely fall drastically.

in this sense, i think brett’s answer to a lack of incentive in society depends on something that will undergo its own crises and, in the end, introduce the same problem. if things become free– or even nearly free –in a money economy, where is the incentive to do dirty jobs for money? if everything is either provided for free as a necessity or as an easily reproducible product, and nearly everything else can be produced and sold for next to nothing, is anyone going to want to work for even more money, especially if they feel like the work is degrading and not worth their time? 

the answer depends on whether or not needs are met for free and if the money only exists for those that do the extra work, creating a market economy inside of an already existing socialist one. 

if this isnt the case, i.e., if money exists in the entire economy and everyone gets a basic income or something like that but you can get extra if you do dirty work, the issue remains. the incentive problem reemerges when luxury goods become so cheap that theyre accessible to everyone (almost certainly a near-immediate transformation if we assume any meaningful change in production)

but if this is the case, then we have a very confusing-looking socialism where the dirty work will certainly get done (not that it wouldnt otherwise), but there is definitely room for criticism of this type of system, especially regarding its implications. effectively withholding products from everyone except for those willing and able to work for them (done by some entity, the state i presume) in order to ensure that the dirty work gets done is an interesting progressive way to introduce and enforce new hierarchies in society based around access to luxury goods. maybe this could be justified, since poverty would be abolished, universal contentment would overtake the species, etc, but how would this monopoly on distribution conflict with the communal ownership of production? would it be communal ownership at all, or only social ownership through the state? why would i do dirty work when a 3d printer or even a full-scale factory can produce things for next to nothing? would 3d printers and factories be barred from my personal usage in this way? would i be cut off from particular means of production in order to ensure that i dont steal goods meant to be given to those more valuable dirty workers? how would this change my relationship with production? can we even separate production from distribution this cleanly in the first place, attempting to pull the two apart and address problems in each separately? will brett ever stop trying to resurrect john stuart mill? etc etc etc. 

theres a lot of uncertainty in that and i dont think this is a sufficient response to communists, or even austrians for that matter, regarding problems of economic calculation. and this is all without ever even questioning money itself as a means of accumulating and hoarding value, potentially in a way that could reintroduce material inequalities in very non-socialist and reactionary ways. 

these are just some basic problems i spot immediately, and i havent gone into much depth (although others have), but i remain convinced that communism is the best alternative and that any money economy is going to have to carry all the burdens of money with it. in brett’s proposal, it probably becomes a redundant and crisis-ridden medium. he might disagree with me, but he does that a lot so im used to it. i also know hes not terribly interested in debating this, so this is isnt to get some response out of him. ill forever be hated on the tumblr left for having the audacity to think that brett is tolerable, and i think there are more important things than the issue of money, especially since, as i already said, we have two very different end goals in mind. but even for communists interested in transitioning to that end goal, i think this is a discussion we ought to take more seriously than we usually do.

also no one on this website knows what socially necessary labor time is.

[lelou-quotes]

The sociologist Emile Durkheim (1858–1917 CE) coined a special term in the latter part of the 19th century describing something similar to what you’ve identified: a sense of growing alienation from “nature and creativity” combined with a feeling of “purposelessness” produced by a “rat race” existence promoting mindless consumerism instead of virtue or community. The word Durkheim coined is anomie. I found a good working definition of the word (see below):

When a social system is in a state of anomie, common values and common meanings are no longer understood or accepted, and new values and meanings have not developed. According to Durkheim, such a society produces, in many of its members, psychological states characterized by a sense of futility, lack of purpose, and emotional emptiness and despair. Striving is considered useless, because there is no accepted definition of what is desirable.

Durkheim grew up and died occupying two very different worlds: he was born before scientific advances—by Darwin, Lyell, Currie, Maxwell, Freud, Weber, and even Durkheim himself—successfully challenged a traditional, ostensibly religious, narrative that people were taught to believe as true in their churches; it was a romantic narrative placing everyone and everything in its place helping adherents make sense of the world. This worldview, conservative for the most part, was far from perfect but what it lacked in progressivity it made up for in coherence.

By the early 1900s Durkheim and other intellectuals felt a sense of impending dread—expressing itself through a suicidal arms race between Great Britain and Germany and, eventually, through the violence of the Great War itself. This impending sense was accompanied by a breakdown in traditional values and social norms, i.e. the Gilded Age promoted values like self-interest and the profit motive at the expense of higher values like pursuing truth for truth’s sake and seeking the public good.

This is one of the reasons young men greeted the Great War with such enthusiasm. The existentialist philosopher Martin Heidegger said observing war “provides a metaphysical reawakening of the spirit.” Conflict would give a directionless generation purpose; and there were at least three thinkers—France’s Henri Bergson and Germany’s Friedrich Nietzsche and Oswald Spengler—who all wrote extensively on what they deemed was the cultural decline of the West. (Many of those young men whistling tunes on their way to destruction—on both sides of the coming conflict—were carrying copies of Nietzsche’s Ecco Homo in their pockets.) Some say art imitates life: if this is the case, then the novels of Herman Melville and many of Emily Dickinson’s poems indicate a growing sense of despair (particularly echoed in the masses); that is, they were born into a world full of rainbows and creative potential only to later find themselves in mid-life inhabiting a grey one dominated by consumerism, urban decay and natural selection.

I was born in 1971: looking back I think I was taught to possess a healthy respect for authority; I feel like we used to all fundamentally share something akin to a single narrative (the echo chambers of the political “left” and “right” didn’t exist yet and post-modernism and moral relativism were still fringe ideas); most reasonable people didn’t think their personal opinions were more trustworthy than the knowledge of experts; scientific knowledge was considered authoritative, not dismissed out-of-hand as partisan when conclusions didn’t conform to one’s political ideology; people prized flexibility of perspective rather than stubbornness; communities were healthier largely because churches were stronger, and so on and so forth. I sound like a conservative. I am not. If I identify as anything, it’s as a rationalist. All I am trying to say is the world feels different today than it did back in the 1970s.

Things have changed since then: we’ve become increasingly polarized and egoistical, less concerned (if contemporary research in sociology is accurate) with the public good and more with our own personal path to wealth. Science, arguably our best and most trustworthy way of looking at the world, has become a casualty in an increasingly post-truth world: theories like evolution, anthropogenic climate change, the Big Bang, and even vaccines, etc. have all become regarded as “liberal” ideas, instead of reflective of a single shared reality, by the conservative news media. (Conservapedia, the foil to Wikipedia, actually has an article on Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity where relativity is described as a liberal attempt to undermine conservative values.) Anti-intellectualism has produced a climate where pseudo-science—flat earths, Moon landing conspiracies, pyramid creating aliens—flourishes while genuine science critical to the public interest is under constant fire from corporate interests attempting to maintain profits by promoting the status-quo through a combination of propaganda and plausible deniability.

Computers and the Internet certainly existed when I was born; however, we were a long way away from the advent of either Facebook or Twitter and the eventual weaponization of social media. Social media and smartphones, perhaps more than anything else in contemporary culture, displaced a sense of fair play, community, and pride of purpose previously making society—however flawed it was in the 1970s and 80s—cohere. That coherence is gone. I’m not so pessimistic to say there’s no sense of community any longer; however, it’d be naive to suggest communities are not becoming increasingly vulnerable due to shrinking municipal budgets, rural depopulation, austerity measures enacted by provincial, state and federal governments, and a shrinking middle class (eight exceedingly wealthy people control more wealth than the lowest 3.7 billion people on the planet combined).

I’m a secondary school history teacher: I see all these kids with their faces buried in phones sitting on couches with other kids and their faces buried in phones—ten of them sitting together not saying a word to one another; the silence is broken only by the occasional chuckle or swipe. They are plugged in but disconnected. All of them are lonely because the one thing they crave online (a sense of connection and belonging) is nearly impossible to find in either worlds grey or virtual.

Suicide rates in adolescents and young adults is rising in the West. This is in large part due to how much time they spend alone online rather than spending time outside with one another. Related to this, albeit this is just anecdotal, I’ve noticed over my 20 year career more and more kids simply have no idea how to play outside. They can’t take their minds off their silicon obsessions; and collectively speaking, society is stuck in a sort of “Pavlovian despair” where we get rewarded to do precisely what we do not want to do: wake up and check the smartphone; go to work; check smartphone; complete some meaningless tasks that would be completed by someone else anyways; go home; watch a little TV, check email, social media; off to bed, repeat, and get paid.

But what can you do? You have to eat. Yet, you don’t necessarily have to do what you’re currently doing. You can get paid and do something meaningful: for me it’s working with ideas and shaping the thinking of young people. I find my work purposeful when I try to get students to think carefully about what they think about (become aware of their own thoughts) and practice a questioning attitude. There are things I’d love to change about working in education but, in the aggregate, I’m happy and I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. I think I’d be bloody useless, though, if society collapsed and we’d have to all survive through hunting and by our witts…

So, to directly answer your question: yes, there are plenty of people who are unhappy in their job—feeling anomie—who’d rather be just about anywhere else.

https://www.quora.com/My-family-thinks-Im-crazy-for-hating-a-9-5-job-I-want-more-free-time-and-more-outdoor-time-in-my-work-I-feel-like-a-dull-slave-in-the-office-Am-I-the-only-one-hating-9-5-office-jobs

[chipsanddespair]

Clinton Naik

Argh, Im so angry today.

I dont know where this anger came from, but Ive just been cranky all day. I woke up and I just felt bored, and angry because of it, and so complacent and dissatisfied. My whole life, those who are in my life, my body, my bank account, where I stay…just, e v e r y t h i n g made/makes me unhappy. I want it to be better than it is right now. I just wanted some fun activity to wake up and do this Saturday. I wanted a partner to get up with me and motivate me. I wanted a house to myself to wake up and dawdle around in whilst I still woke up. I dont want a dog but I cant let him go. I do everything I can to make sure he is well taken care of still, but at the expense of my own happiness. He is a handful. He is too active and eats anything for any reason. Hes a bulldog but looks like a pitbull, so people judge him by his breed and I can tell they look at us like we are a part of a gang or something and it really pisses me off. It hadnt even reached midday yet and the downward spiral was beginning. I dont have that much money in the bank thanks to my obsessive need to pay back things and not be in debt. Even though Ive set it aside, as in most of what I earned this payday, I still feel snowed under and I will have to use my credit card and thus in turn, pay that back in the future. Earlier I was shown a bit of attitude from Beau about sending him some money to pay back for the times hed paid on my behalf. I thought I sent enough, I cant be sure because I didnt keep track of all the times and what that added up to in the end. Just know this, I have spent well enough on behalf of him too and havent seen compensation for that - it just set me right off to notice this ungrateful trait. I gave what I had left to him. He is the one that quit his job to pursue his passions and cannot control his impulsive preference for fresh cooked food (i.e. take out). This is a personal rant that probably wont make sense. Im not writing it to make sense to anyone. Im just letting whatever needs to come out, come out. Im still pissed off. I dont feel like this relationship works anymore. I dont want to take care of anyone else except myself, maybe I should re home the dog for my well-being. I try my best with him but its just getting too much. It does not help that we live in a small place unsuitable for dogs and we make do with the space we have but its just, no backyard equals poop stops out on the roadside. Anyone reading this would probably judge me, people tend to do that, and I totally get it. I kind of walk the same line as well sometimes. But argh, I just need to complain, pettiness and all. Because Im feeling better as I do it. I had a long phone call today with my Dad. I hadnt spoken to him in ages and it was nice to catch up. I got mad though, he has a knack for not listening. Or you say something and hell say something different as if he wasnt listening. Or hell retell a story hes told a thousand times. I need to be easier on the people who retell me stuff, I just have a big ego and that ego doesnt want to be seen as stupid. Im still mad, but better. I just want to get out of here, I want to drive a thousand miles in one direction and not have to worry about anyone else or any responsibilities. I caught my reflection in the mirror, I exhaled and relaxed my stomach and it spilled out. I look like Im pregnant and my back hurts because of all this weight. Does anyone ever get caught in that pit of despair where they just cant talk. I dont want to cry for help because Im angry at every single person I think Id meet, but I most definitely need some kind of help, or something, I dont know. Conflict is the worst. I need to hold on to hope, and cut this rage in half. Sit down with it for a bit and let it tell me what it needs to. Im not mad at anyone, I truly am not. Im disappointed, maybe, that people cant read my mind, or they arent empaths so they cant understand what I feel and give me what I need. So in turn, I need myself. This is just a slump. A rough patch on the windy road to happiness. They say happiness is a choice, and okay, I choose to be happy now. I have identified my anger, I have identified my dissatisfaction with my current relationship. I have identified that what I am doing now makes me feel somewhat better. I go back and forth still, angry and okay, angry and okay. An annoying song always played on the radio echoes in my head and it only serves to irk me. Is it wrong of me to want the hurricane to come down here and devastate. If it were only me, I would be all for it. No one else would have to get hurt. Im weird like that. I feel like I have such a mundane life that anything like fire drills, floods, tremors, anything that will rip me out of everyday life, those things will liberate me and I will have something else to live for. My basic needs will be more important than my need to go to work and pay bills and expenses. That I will have to survive and experience the thrill of survival rather than crawl through this oppressive corporate world. When I had a freak out like this, mid-January some time, or February. I remember just collapsing in on myself. I couldnt speak, I couldnt feel anything good. I lay down, I wasnt even sleepy, I cried and cried and every emotion was just desolate and I couldnt get up or eat. Beau was there however he could be, but its never quite what I think I need? I appreciate what he does, in all his limited knowledge, but theres something thats missing, compared to someone who has had years in this world and lived an involved and rich life, does that make sense? I need someone, who knows what its like to suffer and have come to terms with their torment, not someone who has known anxiety all his life and not fully reflected upon it. Its not his fault though. Nothing that happens to me is anyones fault, I must remember that. I choose who is in my life, and because of how I have chosen to go about things, I have no one close to me anymore. They are overseas, and available by message but I cant bear to be askedHow are you? How are things? Because I have so little going on right now and I am just not in a mentally healthy space to hear about all the great things others are doing. Does that make me horrible? If it does, Im quite used to being horrible.

POSITIVE. Got to remain positive. Things that are getting me down is: EVERYTHING. BUT, what can I do to fix it?

I am okay for funds. I need to buy me food for the week but I can try and make that a total cost of $50. In that case, I will only have to repay the credit card $100 and that is doable for when the time comes. I will have to pay for gas soon, $60, $160. That is okay. Im taking Beaus rainy day fund for a ticket he racked up using my car and I will also use that for board and pay it back slowly because Im still mad he even dared call my contributionlittle given our circumstances. I will check out the gym tomorrow, have a look around, and when I have the funds, I shall join asap and proceed to go to group fitness classes after work. By the looks of it, the best classes start from Wednesday through to Sunday. Four days of seven is okay! Monday and Tuesday can be swims or dog walks. I need to get my Fitbit charged so I can monitor my calories burned. That being said, before even going food shopping, I need me a caloric diet plan and I will stick to that like no other. Its funny, my biggest personal growths are always from moments between Beau and I that further separate us. I dont know if thats actually good or not but personally I feel motivated to get myself sorted the more he makes me regret wanting to be associated together. That does actually sound really toxic, well see how we are by the years end. I should do a weight loss progress report after this. I need my weight and measurements, do some calculations for calories and then think about what I like eating and fit that into my caloric diet. What I learnt when I was having fun with this last year was that even though 1700 calories is pretty hard to stay at or under, if you go and burn a few 100 at the gym, youre all sorted! You can eat more, you dont feel like youre starving and you get to ride the wave of endorphins because of the exercise - win win!

I feel like theres something missing.

I could tidy the room a bit. I need to buy more tights - they are usually $6 a pair. I think I could get three. $178.

Oh my gosh. I owe a friend a banner designed on photoshop, and because I take a long time to do things, especially creative things since Im not bursting with ideas, that is low key stressing me out because I dont want to let him down. Oh wow, maybe thats why I have such salty feelings :o

I have to set aside some time to do that tomorrow.

On an consistency achievement note, I have been diligently salt water soaking my piercing that was giving me trouble and it looks like its settling down :)

I already feel better. You know what would make it even better, a nice hot shower. Oh yes, I feel way better. Oh hey, and why not stop there, Im going to make me a perfectly tempered hot cup of tea and tune in to a Netflix movie before I say goodnight to my subscription. I feel like rewarding my eyes and brain with the talents of Heath Ledger and his amazing portrayal of the Joker.

So, tonight:

caloric diet to be made

weight and measurements to be taken

tidy room a bit

shower

watch The Dark Knight after cup of tea is made

Tomorrow:

design banner for friend

scope out gym (maybe sign up if they offer something beneficial for me in my circumstance)

check out this yoga/pilates place near house

laundry! clothes, sheets and blankets

give $200 board to landlord

Next three days:

pay off $150 ticket

cancel Netflix

pay car rego $13

Letting out the bad unfiltered helps to clear way for the good. And planning how to get the good gets your mind thinking of how to be productive.

Thank you, blog <3