#im genuinly so so tired.

[urlocalsadkid-l]

tw

it’s getting really bad again. i just can’t stand to be around right now. the want to die has gone down a bit.

it’s more of a ‘i could really go for a nap right now’ or ‘i really don’t want to be around people, i’m going to sit in my room’ when things used to be ‘jesus i dropped my drink i’m such a screw up i need to just die already’ and ‘if i spend one more moment around these fuck-faces someone’s going to end up dead (whether it be me or one of them’

is this improvement? i’m not sure.

i mean i still do want to die, but as a whole not at a random mistake a made, you know? like i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up, or someone break into the house and kill me while i’m home alone, or when i’m at school somebody shoving me a little too hard and i hit my head. just the ‘as a whole’ stuff.

i honestly just think i’m tired.

you know, my birthday is coming up. it’s monday. i wanted to be dead by my birthday. the last few months i’ve gone to bed and hoped and hoped and hoped that i would never wake up, i don’t want to make it to this day. i hate celebrating my birthday. i guess all we are doing this year is having a dinner on the 13th. which isn’t too much. on my real birthday, my mother has a show. she feels really bad about it, but honestly i’m glad. i’ll be able to spend the day by myself (we also have the day off of school.). i don’t have to people at all. technically i don’t even have to respond to peoples texts. i don’t have to do anything.

i’ve only hurt myself once in the new year and that was on the first day. seven days clean. am i proud of what i did? no. am i proud that i haven’t relapsed in these seven days? yes, very proud honestly.

[smokbeast]

so much

[denzartriste]

Actually explaining things in the animorph au because honestly i feel like anyone who does research about this stuff on their own would be confused and also im better than any wiki's /j

Fundy, Tommy, Tech, and Foolish all have the power to morph. Morphing in this context means someone who has been given the technology too absorbs an animals dna (by touching the animal. I say animal but it can be any species, including their own apparently??? Book 12 opened up so many possibilities im refusing to think about), they can then morph into that animal/species. They get the animal's brain and their own fighting for control - some brains are easier to control than others. For example, a lizard brain will see a spider and want to eat it. A bug brain will probably see a spider and want to avoid it, morphers work with the insticts or against them, depends on their goal. (also once they absorb dna they can morph at any time. They also have two hour period where they can be in it, if they dont change back before two hours they get stuck in their morph. Techno in the au panicked, tried to morph back to human, and got stuck in between boar and human.)

^ Fundy and Tommy are humans, so the way they got the technology to morph is harder to figure out than how Foolish, an Andalite, got it.

Speaking of Andalites! If you need a visual reference looking up "Elfangor animorphs" will give you it, but im more explaining what the hell Andalites are. They are a pretty 'advanced' species, with advanced technology and the technology to morph - That's there thing, morphing. Also they can always tell what time it is, which is neat. Character wise: They would rather be dead then captured, they highly hate the Yeerks, have sympathy for the Hork-Bajir, and also are a bit of bitches. Im right they are im not getting into it but holy hell they are - anyways other than that they are pretty similar to regular humans, oh but also! huge honour thing going on. If someone in their family dies or whatever because of someone, they have a duty to kill that person once they come of age. Also they have a rule of not sharing their tech with anyone (the human morphers- or animorphs- got their ability from someone who did not follow that rule.)

Next important animorph species to talk about, Hork-Bajir! That's what Sam is, but please dont use him as a refrence to what they look like lmao. This is also my interpretation of them physically, because i dont agree with the actual thing they look like: So many blades in their bodies. Arms? Yeah those have blades. Legs? Blades! I imagine it as being farming scyth looking, because they are a peacful species so thats my thought for why they have bodies that can easily be used as weapons. Also, they have some scales and coarse moss looking fur - moss part is not accurate to the books but you dont know that. Maybe it is. Also the hork-bajir as a species is fully controlled by yeerks. (Which is why a lot of people in my au think Sam is a controller)

Speaking of controllers! (im so good at segways) Controllers is a term for someone who is being controlled by a Yeerk. Phrased as [species] Controller. Example: Human Controller, Hork-Bajir Controller, Andalite Controller, ect

Yeerks are the evil guys tm. Little slugs that wrap around someone's brain to control them, when they control someone the person is also fully concious, able to communicate with the Yeerk, theoretically able to gain control back for a moment or two, and feel the Yeerk looking through their memories. On the flip side, the person can also look into the Yeerks memories. And Yeerks memories kinda become one with their hosts/part hosts. Very neat. One of their big weaknesses is needing to feed on gamma rays (what is that? could not tell you i forgot. They feed through it by swimming in a pool/pod thing though) once every three days. They have to leave their hosts to do that. They also have a hiercy of vissers - higher the number, the most important. Sub vissers are below vissers but again, higher the number the more important. They also have a concil but its not important honestly. Also, the reason they're taking over the galaxy is bc Andalites gave them some technology once (thats why they dont do that anymore)

Also im just gonna say real quick because i might make charlie this possibly: Gedds are the first species the Yeerks controlled, i dont know too much about them honestly.

I think that's it - currently Purpled and Charlie arent animorph aliens but again, charlie's up for change (Purpled isnt he's very perfect)

[femmefaggot]

ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"

a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.

I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize

I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.

I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.

not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.

I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you

if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

[dearimasu]

MY INTEREST IN MOB PSYCHO IS FADING!!! YESSS!! YESSS!!

[r4zzberry]

do u guyz also scroll thru ur old art and look at the comments/notes people left ech time u feel like drawing or am i weird

oh lords sorry 80% of this post is me rambling in the tags 😰

[strawberri-syrup]

baby me did not know what the FUCK i wanted to do! probably a pro soccer player which is silly because i am very much disabled

if we lived in a world where u had to do the career u were first interested in as a child what would u be doing, id be a firefighter

[mewhenifreakit]

curled up by the fire, tail waggin

[lonelyworld]

.

[star-mum]

absolutely humiliating having a mATH TEST IN THIS COURSE

[zeloinator]

To the 2 new actual followers I’ve gotten recently; kissing you, kissing you, kissing you

[fraudulent-cheese]

I think im actually going to change who wins in my team escope tdwt au?

Originally Noah was going to win and alenoah was gonna be the final 2, but it felt both like a disservice to Heather's character who does have development over the course of the season and it wasn't super compelling to me (she's way more invested in the competition than Noah is + my personal agenda of making Alejandro loose the competition in every single AU i write) + Noah winning just not making for a satisfying ending

Heather in this AU would end up in a similar "previous antagonist becomes antihero due to a bigger vilain popping up" position as she does in canon, but it's combined with her making a genuine friend on the show in Harold; she's shown in the best light she's ever been shown on the show and while a good chunk of the audience is supporting Noah for the finale, she still has a decent crowd of supporters.

It's also my personnal mission to make Alejandro loose in every Total Drama AU i write apparently, and him loosing the tie-breaker is perfect for angst. Also i've seen my fair share of tdwt alenoah rewrites and none of them have included both in the final 3 tie-breaker so it would be fun to explore, with Noah only standing a chance against Alejandro thanks to his dodging ability and wanting to put an end to their endless pining...

It could go two ways - either Noah wins the Tie-Breaker or Alejandro wins the tie-breaker.

Noah at this point in the competition is sure of three things:

Alejandro's a very competitive guy, with a flare for the dramatics

Him and Noah have had been semi-friendly semi-fighting all competition, with it dipping more into a rivalry as of late (the thing keeping him trying after Eva's elimination)

And based on both of these facts:

Alejandro's most likely looking for a dramatic victory over him. Noah's not willing to give him that.

So, mid-spar, Noah's trying to solve this conflict once and for all - Not his brightest idea, but he's joined Total Drama so he's made worse decisions - and opts to be genuine while dodging Alejandro's hits. His earnestness does break through eventually, and confesses to him. They're both standing near the edge of the fighting platform, and are both tired as hell from the previous challenge.

That is the only reason Noah considers as the one behind Alejandro leaning in and kissing him.

After this is where the ending would diverge depending on who ends up in the final two: Alejandro would win by Noah falling into the water right afterwards on his own accord, and Noah would win by tricking Alejandro into falling into the shark infested water.

either making it to the final 2 doesn't change the outcome of Heather winning in the end, but it would change the banter and Helpers; Heather would pick Sierra (who got over Heather booting her back in Paris because she's "a sucker for redemption arcs") and Leshawna (who's friendly with her in this AU) while the boys would pick a combination of the third placer + one of their closest friendship on the show (Courtney and Noah for Alejandro, Alejandro and Izzy for Noah). Heather still ends up in the cage trap and is genuinly pissed at this, but Harold and Leshawna (through the power of friendship) snap her out of it with a similar line as in canon (that she's a better person now and either 1. more deserving of the win for them if she's against Noah or 2. the 'good guy' if she's going against Alejandro) and manages to climb up the volcano.

If Heather's against Noah, she catches up to him due to his garbage athletisism and if it's Alejandro, it's the cast catching onto his distaste of the "Al" nickname and using it against him (probably Owen and Izzy, the latter joining in for shits and giggles). If it's against Noah it'll be a roundabout way of having a friendship finale, it's just the good guy with friends vs the less good guy who's gotten better thanks to friendship and self reflection, and if it's Alejandro and Heather it's just bad guy vs good guy, more like in canon :p they could have a stupid dramatic swordfight with the dummies that Alejandro looses like an idiot and it gets him slipping to the volcano's base (because it would be a funny visual).

The volcano still explodes at the end, but i don't know if i want the "alejandro gets partially burnt" ending or "everyone (but the million dollars) is fine" ending yet. idk

[trafficblr-confessions]

Something I dont get with Pearl ships is that

There has been people shipping gempearl or pearleo for so long, and theyre popular ships ive seen a lot and most people dont say anything

Now that Pearl and Gem changed their boundaries about shipping everyone is glad that they can ship shiny duo without breaking boundaries, even tho most people did anyways before

Oh but if I wanna ship a not f/f ship with pearl in it? Oh then its back to "shipping pearl is weird" (i dont say m/f cause actually i just like transmasc c!pearl and prefer having silly little m/m ships with her character cause. Im a trans guy myself. But even then, seriously, as a gay person, many straight ships can be quite nice and wont hurt anybody)

And also? Honestly people would riot if they found out I see Gem and Pearl as completely platonic and even familial. Not to say i dont like f/f ships with Pearl, i do like Pearleo even if it aint my to go ship. But I do think there is such a huge bias and people pick and chose.

Yes, women and men can be friends without dating, but so can women and women and men and men, people rlly taking stuff to the whole other extreme. I honestly think often times people just wanna ship the men together and dont want the few women in the series to interfere so they just pair them off together. Idfk.

Shipping is a silly thing, but im seriously tired of how hypocritical people are when deciding when you can or cant ship Pearl. The awnser? Always, stop policing what other people do simply because you dont like it, if theyre not genuinly harming anyone, why should you stop them? Do you hate fun??

.

[whotfletamothhyperfx]

Venting

TLDR: I’m not gonna be posting for a while sorry

I don’t know how much longer it’s gonna be until I have a total and utter meltdown/ breakdown whatever the worst one is cause it’s gonna happen soon. I just can’t deal with all this shit put onto me anymore, I already have enough to worry about with my exams but now I’ve got to worry about the fact I’m criminally underweight to the point that my shoulder blade got caught on my ribs and now Im in pain everyday of my life, I’ve got to deal with the fact my parents are having to pay for a private doctor that costs them hundreds per meetings. There’s a chance this might be permanent if I have it too long and I have no idea what to do if it’s already permanent, I’ll have chronic pain for the rest of my life. I can’t hold my arms above my head for even a minute without being exhausted,

I’ve got to deal with fact I’m pretty sure I’m depressed I just can’t feel anything anymore, and whenever I do feel stuff I’m sad or angry and I just can’t feel happy anymore. Every-time I do feel the slightest bit happy something comes and tears it away in literally minutes. Sleeping is all I do and eating makes me feel sick.

I can’t even let myself enjoy the things I do have because everything comes with the slightest bit of guilt. I buy books and I’m so tired I can’t pick them up. I buy games and I can’t leave my bed anymore. I can’t do a single thing without feeling guilty. I have to get my breakfasts carried to my room or I won’t eat until dinner and even then that’s all I eat. My parents are having to put protein powder like the things athletes take or I’m gonna end up more hurt. It’s never been this bad before.

I don’t have a single good thing happening in my life but still I’m forcing myself to act happy around people and I don’t even know why, I literally deleted this before because i thought it might be “too depressing��� to post but ya know what? It’s my blog if I wanna scream to the void then it’s my void to scream into ya know? It’s funny that this is genuinly the only place I have to go. I can’t go to my parents, I can’t go to my friends. I don’t even know if I have friends anymore. I’m pretty sure my best friend is mad at me but I’m giving her space so I hope she isn’t mad at me

I love my parents, they’re trying so hard and I know they love me but god every time they talk to me it feels like something they say always ends up making me feel worse and I don’t even know why. Most of the time it’s just harmless jokes I spend the next weeks thinking of.

I’m so tired of just dealing with everything, I’ve not left my bed in weeks, my rooms a mess, I can’t eat and now I only sleep and draw. It’s all I do and I’m so stressed and tired and I just want to scream at someone and the notes app is getting to full of my angry thoughts so this is just me kinda hoping it’ll give me a rest. I’m really fucking tired.

So yeah if you read this far I probably won’t post for a while, I don’t have the energy.

[ghostlyfeelings]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

aw thank you whoever sent me this, that's so kind 🫶

im very passionate about my friends & their happiness because those are my chosen family and they deserve the best of the best in all aspects of life

my pets (all animals really) but my pets i would quite literally die for. they save my life everyday and give me a reason to keep fighting. i genuinly wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them (my pets) but all animals deserve love and respect and i want to smooch every single one on the forehead

women's rights/safety/respect because growing up as a girl, you realize real quick that your feelings/needs/boundaries are put on the back burner and not respected early on and quite frankly i am tired of it. women should be able to walk home at night and not be afraid of being attacked/killed PERIOD. (i could go on and on about this one but i think we all get the point here)

mental health/addiction. not only having personal experience but being around it growing up. the ignorance and stigma that still surrounds these things is absurd to me. the shame that comes with it all because of other people's judgements is awful. the fact that there is still people who think you can just "think happy thoughts" or stop using easy peasy like please do some research and listen to people's stories that actually experience these things and learn compassion!

anyway lol i went off abit there but thank you for sending this. mwuah 💋🫶