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voidselfshipp · 3 years

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For the years to come

Cw: coping, using food to cope, beer ment, ask to tag.

Ok to rb.

Summary: my fix it fic bcs Marvel did me boy so dirty .

When she first met him, it was right after the disaster of New York

She was sitting on the starks tower balcony near the heliport.

Looking down at the world below, it was quite windy that day, and when she shivered he put his cape on her.

--cold miss stark?--stark thor, patting her back.

-- A bit, thank you though-- said jerico,smiling at him.

Then,after Jane broke up with him, she was there to comfort him, and their friendshipp grew with every passing day.

--yknow-- said Clint,-- I bet jerico could lift that hammer-- it was during a party that thor just wanted to mess around with the team.

--oh shut it barton -- said jerico.

--oh come on its worth a try!-- added the god of thunder pulling his friend closer to him.

--nope, just like nat said thats not a question I need answered

When the ultron mess happened, he was the first one to tell her to go somewhere safe.

-- I cant Belive im saying this-- Tony stark said-- but I agree with pointbreak here, youll be safe somewhere else

So she was sent away.

Jerico waited happily for his return to the earth, bringing his people here with him.

What followed was a slaughter.

And now here he was in New asgard.

--i dont even think the beers gonna do it-- said rocket.

-- I dont want to resort to this..-- said hulk.

--resort to what?

Thor almost spits his beer when he sees her again, he hugs jerico tightly, and he sighs,sniffing.

--jerico...what?--he tears up-- I dont want you to see me like this

Jer sighed, hugging him again-- youre the same thor that gave me his cape when I felt cold, thats what matters

The god of thunder looked at hulk and rocket-- im in then...

Tony, for his daughters safe keeping forbid her to help with the time travel, so she anxiously waited...and Waited.

--Dad!-- shouted Morgan hugging Tony, followed by jerico.

--And uncle thor!

Jer almost cries when he sees him, she hugs him tightly,and he hugs back.

--im back-- he whispered to her.

And even though he said he was going to go to space with the guardians, a part of him never left her.

--Peter I told you, Moms making dinner and she said theres a special guest coming, want me to pick you up?...okay...okay see you in ten , bye take care

--hey-- said pepper as jerico cut the call-- I promise its going to be okay

--why wont you tell me who it is?-- she asked to his mother.

-- because its a surprise, now go help dad set the table okay?

--yes mom

Twenty minutes later he arrived,if it Wasnt because she was too shocked she wouldve at least gasped.

-- thor! Oh thank god youre back!--she hugged her friend tightly as she could, he hugged back-- howd it go?

The Man laughed-- let me tell you about my great stories during dinner my friend, its been too long

During dinner, the god of thunder talked about his adventures with the guardians, skipping the Gore and gruesome details for Morgans well being.

And since then hes been staying at the compound.

--Thor! Wake up!-- jerico said banging on the door of her friend.

--Five more minutes!

--its your first day of getting better come on

Theres a silence that lasts some seconds before she hears him get out of bed and dressed.

--once, you helped me-- said she handing him some dumbells-- let me help you, youre my friend and I want you to be happy

-- I am happy!

--youre using food to cope, since loki came back from lord knows where, youve been eating more, doctors orders is a clean diet, workout and Friends support

-- your earth doctors dont know about asgardians

-- do they not now?-- she quipped patting his arm-- come on we got work to do

The first week was hard to get trough, the second it started well.

--thank you for helping me with my hair jerico-- said thor, handing his friend the shampoo.

-- hey Man whenever you need me-- answered the human cleaning her Friends hair.

He wont tell why he let her help him, after all that happened he couldnt loose her, she was his closest friend, she was there when the world was rough, and stuck with him through it all.

But the feelings he had for here went far more than that , but would she even like him?.

He didnt know the answer to It, but if he did he would be surprised.

-- hey...youre quiet, you okay?-- asked jer.

-- no no im fine, just thinking

-- bout what? If its not too personal

--well, I didnt think itd go like this -- said the Man cleaning his beard-- when I first met you all those years ago, I was in love with you, the more years went on and things that happened I realized that the feelings I had for you were there, I never thought id say it, I was scared for the first time, of course this whole thing was a little bit more romantic in my mind,but here we are

Jerico smiled kissing his cheek-- finish taking a bath so we can have a proper declaration okay?

The Man nodds smiling.

After he bathed and changed he let her in his room again.

--i love you-- he said hugging her tightly like they did all those times before.

--me too-- she answered kissing him, he kissed back pressing his face on her neck.

-- what would I do without you...-- he whispered tightening his hug.

--dont ponder on that, focus on today, and those Killer Abs you got going on!

He laughed rather loudly, and looked at her-- I got them thanks to you, my dear

He kisses her cheek and smiles-- well, how about some food? After todays workout im starving

-- hmm I could use some food too, do you think our secret supply is still intact?

Both walk down the stairs to the kitchen

Deadly serious he goes--it better be

Both laugh and thor kisses jerico-- though if we have time, we should Cook togheter

--we should...I Like that idea

Thankfully the kitchen was Emtpy, and though the god of thunder didnt mind company, the lack of it made everything a bit more romantic, and special, just the two of them

-- for the years to come-- he said raising his beer glass.

-- for the years to come-- said she clinking her glass with soda with his.

As they Ate toghetet they watched a movie.

For the years to come indeed.

#cw beer #tw beer #cw alcohol ment #tw alcohol ment #cw using food to cope #tw using food to cope #cw food ment #tw food ment #ask to tag #f/o fic #thor tag pending

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and-i-uh · 4 years

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6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

#actually autistic #autism #autism acceptance #special interest #ask #spin #spins #autistic

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ts-2020-olympics · 5 years

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EPISODE 1 - “My Legs Were Not Qwoperating” - Kathy (Part 1)

One world ! 24 other players ! I

I'm too old to be here but... it's happening! I made it on Tumblr Survivor mom! Determined to not be first boot!

Also I'm aligning with Jordan Pines because I love chaos and these newbies won't know what hit them

Well this is certainly something. I'm going to try out seeing who pms me without me saying anything. I'll pick up the activity tomorrow, so it doesn't really affect me, let's see if anyone takes the initiative so I don't have to. If I get dragged into a majority alliance then that's cool. I don't think that this group is great in terms of teamwork as of yet, but we'll see. There's so many tribes our chances of going to tribal are pretty slim, even if we suck. We're kindof underdogs, so sucking might not be excusable.

First day of surviving the Survivor survivorship...survivor. These forms are going to take some time to get used to, but I'll manage. Got conversations from Beck and Sammy so far - might scope the field, see what's out there. Or, I can lay low and do what I need to do for my team until merge hits.

i actually really like the people on my tribe and i'm excited because i have hopes for us. i've also made some nice friends so far and i'm hoping that pays off later but even if it doesn't i'm glad my first day in a skype survivor org has been positive! woo!

Fuck this complicated ass first challenge

youtube

Hello! Guess whose back? It me! Anyway, it’s been a fun first night. Things are going okay. I am worried a little bit about the One World mess, I don’t want to come off too social right now but at the same time I need to secure a good place. So here is the breakdown analysis of my tribe: Chris Stoner: hello ???? I didn’t know they let stoners into the Olympics, didn’t we drug test? I haven’t spoken to him much but we did play Crossroads together although not really together. Anyway, fun to see him. Don’t know if I’d work with him but I guess that’s to be determined. Karen: KARENNNNN! I wasn’t expecting to see them here but now that it’s happening I am very glad to have someone who I have worked with before around, and a solid foundation of working together. Right away I felt like I had someone who had my back and I hope I’m not misreading that, because Karen and I always seem to work together until a certain point. Hopefully we can work together longer than usual this time! Kevin: uhhh soooooo love Kevin but we don’t have the best track record? He was in Circle with me we had a little fight where I may have called him a racist for being mad at Asya anyway it SEEMS as though that’s not an issue anymore and I think we might be able to work something out. I don’t wanna have to vote Kevin out before Stoner or Tommy. Tommy: ok no offense to this man but he is so hard to talk to so far. Every conversation feels flat and even though we are talking about subjects I could go on about for a while, it feels like the convos are going nowhere. I feel like there’s a sort of slight bond between Karen, Kevin and I but then Tommy and Stoner are kind of...hopefully who they’d want to kill off first, I’m probably wildly misreading every situation rn. Outside of my tribe I’ve talked to Juls who I am going to take under my wing as my daughter and she will win this season if I don’t get to! I love her so much she reminds me of my old school Skype babies and I feel like a cool mom when I talk to her I’ve also talked to beck briefly, KING love him bc he’s dating Asya and I don’t necessarily want to bond based on that. I also know beck is a good as game player bc I’ve watched him play so......I’m gonna be nice and observant and maybe we can establish a threat/threat symbiotic relationship. I also talked to Jacob C. who I love so much and he and I have been comparing some notes. He’s already told me Sammy has an idol that he can only use for three rounds so heh heh heh. OH SPEAKING OF SAMMY I love that man he’s such a doll and I really hope we can work together if I get far. At this point I love this cast but I really feel like I am not gonna vibe with the newbies, they’re like very....quiet in the PM’s but loud in the one world chat? I find that backwards. I’m hoping the newbies I do like will be able to get rid of the newbies I don’t like so that when we merge the newbies I do like will help me get rid of the returnees I don’t wanna work with. That’s what we are manifesting, 2020 vision yeehaw.

Showmance, eh? I might play dumb, surprise them all later? I could play the role of disposable pawn while possibly orchestrating things behind the shadows. Could be a long, long shot, but it could work.

AAAAHHHHH IM HERE HI MOM IM ON TV IM SO EXCITED AND I CANT WAIT FOR EVERYTHING IM ALSO SCARED AS FUCK CUS EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THESE THINGS WORK AND I DONT

omg okay this is all so crazy i love it i can’t stop shaking AAAAHHH dhdkshHSJDHEVSJbokayOKAY so like i LOOOVE my tribe we’re the fuckin best tribe here cus we’re all so cool like we’re the FRIENDSHIP tribe and being able to make friends is a useful skill in this game like no offense but being the “dominant” tribe or “champions” tribe or whatever tbh it’s pretty unskinny bc that’s a target on you forever whereas my tribe we’re all friendly and trusting!! 💖💞 xoxo lets hold hands all the way to finale and have fun! 🌈✨

okay i forgot to talk about strategy lol anyways yeah I looOOOVve everyone on my tribe and that’s great but also sucks because there’s only 5 of us, it just takes 3 votes to send you out so I wish there was some oblivious cocky dick on our tribe we all could hate so we’d have an easy first vote like that guy Billy.. why is he on the respect tribe¿? anyways i love everyone but I think Will and I are becoming the closest we talked for a lil while last night yknow things got a little steamy 🥰😩 (you’ll have to pay for ts all access for that footage 😘) we bonded really well and I think for this first vote if we lose, Will and I are definitely gonna be voting together.

Alright, so here we are at the 2020 Olympics. I came in as a last minute replacement, so I feel like I have to prove myself more than some others who applied weeks before hand and made the cut. As well, got some past players, and past winners, which makes the competition stakes that much greater this season. Then, to top it all off, at the One World style camp, so can talk to everyone which is definitely a nice touch. Now, regards to my tribe, I honestly like the people on my tribe, and find that we're going to be a solid crew. Here is my actual impressions on my tribe mates thus far though: Beck - Probably one I recognize most, just due to being in a discord org vl with her, definitely seems like a friendly gal, and when time is right, I feel she could end up being my closest ally on the tribe Ben - Probably one so far who I have talked the most too, and I feel like we're connecting alright thus far, so going to keep building up a bond with him and his route could end up being as my first ally of these Olympics. Kathy - Haven't spoken one on one with her yet, just in the tribe chat somewhat and main chat, which she definitely seems like a cool person, and hoping to get to know her a bit better, but terms of this game, hard to say if we'll be on same side or not. Bailey - Speaking with her a little, but kind of same lines as Kathy currently with her, just not sure if Bailey will end up being an ally who will be with me, or someone who will be against me. Overall, time will tell how this game goes, but hopefully it goes well for me and I come out with at least something worth while.

HOLY SHIT I FOUND AN ADVANTAGE OH MY GOD!!!!! I GOT AN ADVANTAGE ON DAY FUCKIN TWO OF MY FIRST SURVIVOR EVERR HOLY SHIT!!!! okay so it says i can get an extra vote IF at the next tribal i decide to NOT vote and save that vote for later so i’d have an extra vote. Now the hard part is making my first tribal an easy vote so i can save my own.. hopefully i’ll be able to do this! i’m so scared ohmygod

okay i’m in a serious predicament... so I may not vote at the next tribal meaning there’s only 4 votes. While looking at the cast reveal i discovered something.. Nik is a drag queen, Eve also does drag as well... what if they applied together from some drag community or are bonding because of that. That’s 2 votes together already on a tribe of five.. that’s dangerous especially when I’m not allied with either of them! If they vote together and i don’t vote... they’d have half the votes already and may get rid of my ally Will! I’m hoping to god they don’t know each other but if they are aligned then Will or I could be out! I want this advantage but i don’t know if i can take it.... fuuUUUUCK

I’m really enjoying my tribe and I think that the people in this game are super awesome! However with that being said, I can definitely see who could potentially be an issue down the line and I’m keeping my eyes peeled for them!

whoa. this game is a lot. I managed to message everyone on day one because I just rely on my social abilities. I tried to be as relatable as possible to everyone but literally some people were dead fish. Some newbies have asked me for advice already and they said returners are intimidating so I said "I mean only the returners that won" hahah and they were like "oh yeah so true" sorry I threw y'all under the bus. But ummm kathy is playing and we are from the same hometown so I am hoping we end up on same tribe sometime soon. I love juls too!! OH AND JACOB IS MY RIDE OR DIE. we had a tribe call and I was so uncomfortable because I felt like I had nothing to add to the conversation. my fav 2 on my tribe are Jacob and Caeleb tho! umm okay last thing I searched for the idol....AND BIH ON DA FIRST TRY I GOT ONE BLSFSI only good for next three tribals I attend tho. I told Jacob. it was in a yellow condom. okay sorry this was very choppy I just wanted to get it all out.

This tribe seems to be working fine together, while I'm still terrified of losing, I think we stand a fighting shot. This cool little band of misfits would be a cool sight. I've kept my quiet for the first day, time to ramp things up just a tad. I've talked to Landen and I feel pretty alright about him, and given this tribe is as small as my will to life after playing QWOP, we only need one more! Landen's probably talking to everyone, so I just need to seal the deal with him. I think my challenge performance will suffice for being enough to keep me around, but I need a bit of a backup just in case. If we go to tribal, there's not a "stay UTR" option. It's either I'm in an alliance and I'm calling some shots, or I'm being (in)directly blindsided. But, I picked my strong suit in flash games for a reason fellas. The one world chat has quite a bit of activity. I'm quite and that's fine, if we swap I can readjust. If we go to tribal I'm sure I'll become just a tad more popular along with the other 9 that go. tldr:I'm winning duh

Ayo, tribe energy looking DOPE AS HELL BAY BAY! We all seem to be getting along pretty well, seeing as our communication during this challenge is pretty dope! No bad personalities in sight. I gotta wonder though, how nervous do I have to be? I know for a damn fact if I start talking more to these people they gon' be fallin' as hard as underage kids seeing the hottest girl in school enter their club. Thing is though, I'm fresh meat coming into this, so any pre existing relationships in this game are like dust mites to me. Can't see em' but GOD DAMN they annoy me. Nonetheless, I gotta work my magic in case we go to Tribal. I ain't letting anybody take out a rookie, especially a rookie who has somethin' to prove, and someone who at his best is the damn king of the world. See me work bay bay!

#zestypowerfuluniqueflavorfulhealthy #confessionals

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boyfriem-moved · 6 years

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Tell me about your ocs!!

oh boy WILL I EVER (below the cut bc im probably gonna ramble forever sjhdlhfsjd sorry)

so the ocs i was shitposting abt in that last post are my dumbass 12 year old ocs who were inspired by seraph of the end and the mortal instruments so it was uh,,,,,,,, a whole ass trainwreck but i love them and every time i tried to make them interesting i ended up changing everything about them so like last year i decided i would keep as much the same as i wanted about them and just fully embrace the mary sue dumbness of it and go absolutely wild

so! the state of the world at this point is that most of humanity is dead and the world is overun with demons and seraphim and some Whole Ass Biblical Angels and also vampires i guess bc Fuck You Vampires Are Cool. most living humans travel around in packs, general apocalypse bullshit yknow anyways all that’s boring onto the characters

rowan is my twelve year old self’s self insert and their main personality trait is that they have an eyepatch and own a scythe and i love them to death. they’re self sufficient and perpetually annoyed and super gay and pretend to have no feelings but are actually super high strung and constantly worried about their friends. also they have an edgy cloak and bright red hair and did i mention the eyepatch and the scythe they’re the world’s edgiest bitch and i love them

picture (sry for the old art it’s from like last december oof)

mal was pretty much nothing except rowan’s comphet boyfriend when i was younger so naturally i gave him the world’s most undeserved makeover and now he’s just a whole entire rowdy boy. imagine if the kid at your middle school who was obsessed with yugioh, instead of switching to magic the gathering when they got to high school, switched to kinning god and fistfighting demons. HIS dumbass origin story is that he was so scared of death that he made a deal with a demon named malachi (not its real name, the demons and seraphim are so terribly inhuman that human ears can’t hear their names, so they pick their own names somewhere within the range of “jeff” to “ylllmar the destroyer”) and then decided “hey as long as i have your power i basically AM you”, and now refuses to be called by his human name (james) because he’s so Dedicated To The Kin. (he’s such an asshole that he once told someone not to deadname him when they used his proper name. that someone being rowan. who is actually trans. they were not amused)

picture (again: old (from november 2017 i think)) (also don’t worry he’s fine)

jem is probably my favorite (not 2 pick favorites but it’s her). she has all the confidence of mal, who’s so strong that he’s All But Immortal, except she’s 15 and 5 feet tall and couldn’t fight someone if her life depended on it. rowan considers her their mortal enemy, but they’re really something closer to girlfriends (although really it’s not that far of a leap from one to the other). she’s nosy and fearless and when she was like 13 she pretended to be a vampire to survive, joined a vampire girl gang, became the leader of said girl gang, then revealed that she was a human, but they all loved her so much that they just kinda said “fuck it” and now she has a horde of vampires to protect her wherever she goes. she’s The Ultimate Femme. wants immortality but doesn’t want it now because she doesn’t want to live in the body of a 16 year old for the rest of her life, so she’s waiting until her twenties to let one of the vampires turn her. in the meantime, she wears red contact lenses (vampires don’t have red eyes. it’s just a Her Thing) and every one of her outfits has enough frills and ruffles to smother her in lace.

i dont have a readily available drawing of her but uh? yknow that girl from kill la kill (not to bring up kill la kill in the year of our lord 2019 i am SO SORRY)

this one. that’s what she looks like kinda

i can’t tell if this ask if ungodly long or if it’s just the pictures or both (probably both) but aNYWAYS

my favorite beside jem is angel, aka the world’s dumbest bitch. his deal is that he’s a seraphim who was beaten up by his brothers for being a little bitch so he decided he’d go find a human to hang out with instead. so he put on the world’s most unconvincing human disguise (when i say seraphim i AM imagining glowing wheels of fire and eyes but they can shapeshift in this story bc uh. my world my rules) and went to find a human. and human. and he found little 12 year old rowan, said “this’ll do”, handed them a scythe, and they’ve been a dream team ever since. he’s fascinated with humans in the way that people are fascinated with their pets, which is kinda weird bc rowan is 100% the babysitter in this situation. he likes killing things, learning about human culture, rowan, and...that’s pretty much it. he and jem get along well because he’s like an overenthusiastic person and she’s the only one with the boundless energy to endulge him.

again, no picture i’ve made myself, but i DID find the picture i ripped off google images a million years ago and used as his face (i promise you he looks nothing like that now...also i didn’t remember it looking like it had been deep fried jesus)

other noteworthy characters include:

- mal’s pet demon who’s usually either a cat or a bird, both with WAY too many eyes, but sometimes takes the form of a little girl. her name is sara and her hobbies include mocking mal and biting people

- one random nameless demon who masqueraded as a middle school math teacher before the apocalypse which doesn’t matter one fucking bit except for the fact that when i was 12 i named him after my real middle school math teacher (i guess just bc i didn’t have name ideas?). which was all fine and good until my mom emailed him the story and i had to talk to him about how i’d written a short story where i inserted him as a demon

- mika, the second in command of jem’s (almost) all vampire girl gang, her ex girlfriend and the butch to her femme

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spartalabouche · 6 years

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now heres just a collection of all the random dreams i could find (eight of em)

1. i was like sitting in a little shallow pool and i was just hangin out with someone else and i was like aw cute a litrle fake jellyfish and it brushed me and i was like hm that kinda hurts weird and i touched like three others bc i thought they were cool and then when i got up they were like UMM please go to a doctor. where i had touched the jellyfish had swollen and then like Burst open and it was these big ugly gashes and i like limped along and got them stitched up at a doctor but couldnt rly walk too well for a little while i kind of had to drag my leg behind me that was def the worst one it was on the back of my calf and if i moved it too much it would tear open again and start BLEEDING everywhere i cant remember what else happened but eventually it healed and i did something else

2. it was kind of all over the place at first i was like in a classroom ans there was an earth quake and i was like aw fuck and i hid under a desk and then my teacher was like you need your parents to sign this paper so you can bring your cat to school and i was like ok and i left. and then i went to a con and like there was this competition where like u throw this thing ans it launchws like ? balls? into a wall? and i tried very hard but i was too weak to throw it and ppl were like LOL U CANT THROW and i was sad and then i walked around and looked at stuffed animals and then i left and then i went to school the next day and some ppl like picked me up so i couldnt get away and punched me and i was like fuck you and kicked them in the dick and then went in my group chat and was like lol guys i just got punched in the face and then i went to class and something else happened i cant eemember and then i woke up

3. i had a dream some kids found my possom (this was right after i found that dead possom in the woods and i took it) that skmehow got into a big open field and they were like touching it with their hands and i was like UR GONNA GET A DISEASE AND ALSO DONT TOUCH MY BABY U BASTARDS and then one of the people that were touching it was like thats weird wanna be friends and then we were friends and we lived togethwr for some reason

4. i had nightmares within a dream last night except it wasnt really scary like a dream within a dream but dream me was having nightmares.and when i woke up i couldnt see or hear very well . only simple words. it didnt really scare me or anything i thought it was just because i was really tired and i went in my group chat and something was happening and i was like hey im here i just cant really see anything right now and i spent the whole dream kind of fumbling around trying to wait for my eyesight to come back but i kept falling asleep and i couldnt stay awake long enough for it to come back completely. very relieved when i woke up for real and could see fine

5. i think in my dream last night there was an avalanche and a bunch of dogs were just swimming in the snow and the dogs were the only ones who didnt get hurt or die. i got trapped in a little hotel kind of thing and there was snow everywhere and dogs running in. wild

6. in my dream it was like some weird futuristic thing where like maybe it was overpopulated or something but everyone had an assigned death date and u couldnt Escape it unless u broke the law and like when it started thwre would be numbers above ur head it starts six minutes from ur death and then counts down and like i couldnt figure out how to break the law so i was just like yknow what ill just not look and have it take me by surprise because its terrible to have to know when itll happen and then suddeny some BITCH COMES IP AND IS LIKE oh you have four minutes left and im like SHHHHUT THE FUCK UP I DIDNT WANNA KNOW!!!!! so im like fuck it whatever ill try to break the law and like 30 seconds before i am massacred with some space rock heading toward my face i fling myself into the River Void that this place has an i just sort of float there and no one ever got out of there so everyone assumes you die in thwre but i didnt die i just floated and saw like some girl fly by trying to fight aome sort of dragon and then i made some coffee in the void river and woke up

7. this morning i had a dream someone got me pregnant but id never had sex and the closest thing was someone May have fingered me but i wasnt sure and my mom was like WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT!!! and i was like IDONT KNOW!!!!!!!!! D:

8. i had a dream that i was in some sort of game thing ig? but i didnt rly know i was in a game but in the game i took whitefang to see this whale minigame thing i cant remember what the minigame was but i know it had to do with whales and she was very excited. also in my dream i found an alien dildo and like sent it off in the mail to someone ? that was weird

also in general ive still been having dreams where i cant or have a really hard time walking. cannot for the life of me figure out why

#gekkering #dont rb #txt #like if u read #theyre mostly funny or interesting i think #dream diary

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a-pretty-nerd · 7 years

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It Feels so wrong, but SO RIGHT: Part 5

Rodrick Heffley x reader story

A/N: I’m sorry this took so long. I have been lazy with my entries latley, and its only because of person events going on in my life. I apologize. I have been getting so many requests for more Rodrick, specifically more of this story, and I am happy to! As always, enjoy, and don’t be afraid to make requests! ❤

Warning: Angst, jealousy, makeup sex, etc.

P.S. This posted early, and then when I tried to finish it, it deleted. Fml.

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It was an average day for you at this point, sitting with Rodrick ar lunch. Enjoying your homemade meal you made for yourself eariler that day. Often times sharing a few things with Rodrick, who adored your cooking by the way. You were no kitchen wizard, but then again, Rodrick was easy to please. Not only that, but Rodrick adored you to death. Sometimes you would catch him staring at you from across the classroom, or even while he was sitting right next to you. You couldn’t help but blush, and smile.

On this day in particular, a friday, you were seated, with Rodrick’s head laying in your lap. He was chatting with his friends, now your friends, the other band members. You exited the conversation for a moment, only to look up for a moment. Walking across the cafeteria, a familiar silhouette clicked across the tile. Those heels, deafening, that walk, nauseating, that body, threatening. You tensed up, you watched her as she walked by. For a brief moment those piercing blue eyes stared into yours. Blue like the ocean, or perhaps a large lake. Either way, they could drown you. She glared at you for a moment before flicking her golden hair and walking off. Heather Hills was the most retched being you had ever laid eyes on. From the beginning, she hated your guts, and you hated hers in return. Memories of a little Y/N crying in the playground, alone, and scared, were all because of her. She was a down right bitch, and yet the world seemed to adore her. Even Rodrick, had once had a crush on her. The thought of Heather and your Rodrick made you ill. Perhaps you could live without him, but the idea that he would ever choose her over you, was soul crushing.

“What do you think babe?” Rodrick’s voice pierced your train of thought.

“What?” You looked down at him, while he gazed up at you.

“Party tonight, at David’s. You up for it?” He gave a smile, and raised his brow.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Sounds fun.”

“Its gonna be bangin’ his parents are out for the whole week, and we are gonna raaaaage!” On of the band members shouted with glee. You laughed, and tried to kick your previous thoughts to the back of your brain. The rest of the day went on as usual, and sure enough the final bell rung and you left the school with Rodrick. You walked hand in hand into the parking lot, he looked over and watched you. You were quieter than usual, you were deep in thought.

“You okay?” He asked, giving your hand a small squeeze.

“Oh, yeah Im fine. What time is that party again?

“Around 6, I think. Ill pick you up around then, is thag cool?”

“Yeah, yeah that works fine.” You were still having a hard time shaking these thoughts from your head, you were off today. Rodrick looked around for a moment, and then back to you, concerned.

“You sure you’re okay”

“Yes, Rodrick, I’m okay. I promise.”

“Okay, just checking.” He kissed you on the cheek and let of your hand as he walked away. “I’ll see you later hot stuff!”

“See ya!”

You got home, you did your homework, the usual. All while still in a thought provoked haze. You looked up at the clock, 5:30. Shit. You only had half an hour to get ready. You couldn’t exactly go in your usual get up, which was mostly wore purley to please your parents. You had to be trim and relativley proper. You had to be the smart girl, the girl with good grades. Rodrick, however, brought out this other side of you. You squirmed for a moment, just thinking about your first time with Rodrick, the first of many. You stood, and went to get ready when a loud knock on your bedroom door shook you from your state of mind.

“C-Come in!” You stuttered. Your mother stepped in.

“Dinners ready.”

“Oh um, I’m not feeling very well. I know it’s early, but I don’t want to risk it.” Your mother nodded, appearing to be fooled by your lie.

“Gonna see the boy again?” She gave a smile. You tried to lie again but she was too quick. “Alright, just be safe. I’ll tell your father you’re, ‘sick’. Have fun. Use protection!”

“Mom!” And with that she left you to your own devises. Half an hour went by fast, and before you knew it, you got the text from Rodrick that he was out front. You had to rush out of your window, and sneak across your lawn to his van.

“Hey cutie!” He leaned over and gave you a kiss before starting the car, and driving away. “You feeling better?”

“What?”

“Earlier, you seemed off.”

“I told you, I was fine then, Im fine now.”

“Okay, okay! I was just asking.” The rest of the car ride was filled with music, and a joke here and there. Something about it helped settle everything going on in your mind. It put all your worries aside. When you arrived at the party, hand in hand, Rodrick was loudly greeted by some friends. You chatted along side your extrovert boyfriend, all while holding his hand as if he were a security blanket. Some time passed, things were going great. Even better when Rodrick pulled you onto the dance floor, and started goofing around. He had this incredibly way of making you laugh. You regreted never giving him a chance before the whole tutoring thing.

“I’m gonna grab a drink, do you want anything!?” You had to yell over the music.

“Sure!” So you turned towards the kitchen to fill a red cup. You had just taken one in hand when you heard it. That sound. The familiar click clack of those retched heels. You snapped to attention, her figure stood, leaning against a wall with her friend. Acting too cool, and utterly bored with the whole situation. You tried to ignore her, filling your cups with drinks. You turned to go back to Rodrick, but when you looked up, as if by some evil sorcery she was there. Talking to Rodrick. She didn’t even like Rodrick, you knew that much, what the hell was she doing…flirting with him?

“Hey! Aren’t you that guys from that band?” Her voice was like nails against chalk board.

“Uh, Löded Diaper. Yeah, we played at your birthday party last year. Don’t you, remember?” He was clearly nervously, and visibly blushing. He had even stuck a hand behind his head and was leaning against a wall.

“Oh my god! Thats right! You played my favorite song!” She leaned in closer, reached out with her bright pink claws and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Yknow, I never got to repay you for that.” She purred. Rodrick nodded, nervous, and shifted away. He arm sliding off of him.

“I mean-” Rodrick stopped mid sentence, the loud crashing sound shook him from his train of thought. He watched you storm off up the stairs of the house having dropped your drinks. His heart sunk, he had been in a similar situation with you before. He cursed Heather for this again. “Y/N, wait!” He yelled after you. He searched for you, but you were too fast. You had hidden in what you could assume was a family room. There were others there, but it was empty enough to sulk. You sat down on the empty couch, and hid your face in your hands. That bitch, how could you be so stupid? Rodrick has had a crush on her since god knows when, and you actually thought you had a chance of-

“Hey, Y/N. You okay?” You heard a boy’s voice ask. You looked up to see a familiar face sit down next to you. A fellow classmate. Someone you were acquaintances with at most.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You lied, again.

“Is it that Rodrick guy?”

“What?”

“Look Y/N. If that guy isn’t treating you right, it wouldn’t surprise me.” You were just so confused. “You deserve better, you can do better.” He placed a hand on your knee. You stared at him wide eyed, hoping he would get the hint and leave. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rodrick’s voice rang in your ears. He stood above the two of you, and swatted the boy’s hand away from your knee. “Get out of here, creep.” He pulled the guy up, and shoved him gently to the side. The boy gave this begrudgingly fustrated look, and leaned in.

“If you need anything-”

“Fuck off!” You shouted at him, and he scattered like a roach. Rodrick sat.

“Are you okay? Is this about Heather, because!”

“Of course it’s about Heather! Why wouldn’t it be? She was all over you!”

“Im sorry Y/N, she came on to me.”

“I know she did! That’s why Im pissed, you know how I feel about her. And you, you’ve had a crush on her for forever! I mean, what chance do I have if that bimbo is throwing herself at you?”

“Okay, yeah. I used to have a crush on her, but that before you. Look, I may not be the smartest guy, but I’ve made up my mind. You are my girlfriend, and I love you. I don’t want anybody else.” You watched his face, he was dead serious.“

"I love you Rodrick.” You smiled, and he kissed you. A tender kiss while he held you close. A kiss that was deepened by Rodrick pulling you closer, and closer until you were practically in his lap. Your hands ran through his hair as his hands ran up and down your sides. A full on, make out session broke out. Pretty soon Rodrick’s tounge was wondering your mouth, and his hands were proudly placed on your ass. They squeezed and needed affectionately as he leaned forward to continue the kiss. Before you knew it, Rodrick’s erection was bulging through his jeans, needy, he rubbed you against it. Swaying your hips back and forth. If it wasn’t for you, he would have probably fucked you right then and there. You got off his lap, and with a small whimper he looked at you with that lust filled gaze. He stood, and pulled you out of the room, and down the hall to some random room he found. Luckily, there was no other couple. Rodrick quickly shut the door behind him, and shed his shirt and other clothes before taking off yours. The rest was a blur as you layed down on the bed, and spread your legs for him.

“Fuck, Y/N.” He whispered between heated kisses. He lined himseld up, and pushed into you. You gasped as his cock started to thrust in and out, in and out. Slowly, until Rodrick became more and more needy, and started slamming his cock in you. He held your hips, and when you arched you back in pleasure, he went wild. He left hickeys and kisses all over your body. As if marking you as his own. He grunted, and huffed as you moaned loudly with pleasure corsing through you. You came with ease, as you normally did with Rodrick, who moaned loudly when he felt you convulse around him. He drove in as deep as he could, hitting against your cervix. His thrusts quickly becoming erratic, and unstable. He was losing his mind with you, and he hunched over your body, kissing your deeply as the two of you came. You felt his cum flood you, and you moaned. The two of you had to take a moment, panting. He kissed your neck and affectionately and moaned your named. You quickly realized exactly where you were, and you bounced into action. Throwing your clothes on before the two of you were caught. Rodrick did as he was ordered.

“Hurry up! I don’t wanna get caught.” You said in a hushed tone. He gave you this content little smile, and once completely clothed, kissed your cheek as you left the room to continue the party.

“Hey! Where were you two?” A friend cried in excitement.

“We got lost.” Rodrick lied, and the rest of the night went off without a hitch. All the while, you had to walk, and talk while you felt Rodrick’s pervious load slowly fall out of you and into your panties. The feeling of it, sent a shiver down your spine, and if you were honest, turned you on a little more than it should have.

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Ahhh! It feels good to be back! Sorry I’ve been away for so long! As always, I am now accepting for requests, as backed up as they may be! ❤

#rodrick heffley #rodrick heffley x reader #rodrick heffley x reader smut #doawk smut

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mousepatrol · 7 years

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8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye

#strong blogs #8.8.17

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cas-tellation · 7 years

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Not what you thought (I’m sorry, I didn’t know.)

Dan's ready to start his new life, as a boy. As Dan instead of Yazi. He's going to a new school in Manchester, where everybody knows him as Dan. Everything's going fine, except for when Nichole texts him and his binder is too tight and when dysphoria hits him like a fucking train. Oh, and there's that kid that sits with him behind the school at lunchtime and brings him food.

A/N; here’s the first chapter of my new fic :)

Updates every Tuesday.

Masterlist -- Next chapter

Dan takes a deep breath. Last month's events play through his already-too-full mind, swirling together and making tears sting the corner of his eyes. Not sad, no. More like, just overwhelmed. To the extent of crying. In short, he was a mess. He takes another deep breath to stop a sob from escaping his chest, rolling onto his front, a whimper muffled by his pillow.

Boxes litter the floor around him, still having to be properly unpacked. A few Muse posers poke out of one that he had opened earlier, though he hadn’t actually found the will to take all the trivial bits and pieces from his old life and spread them and the memories that they held all over this fresh, new, clean start. His Dad had helped him set up the bed, and his mother had spoken about re-painting the walls, the pale pink paint that the room currently held was flaking off. Besides, it was pink. After the bed had been assembled, his Dad had said something about getting the wardrobe and desk up the stairs the next day, in order to put them into Dan’s new room.

A fresh start.

The first night, and tears are already on the pillow and maybe it’s overwhelmingness of maybe it’s homesickness even though this is his new home. This is his fresh start.

He hears a soft knock on his half-open door, and halfheartedly sits up, offering his Mum a little smile, leaning against her side when she sits on the edge of his bed.

“I’m okay.” Dan says, in lieu of the tears that still raced down his pale cheeks.

“Then why the tears, love?” She wraps an arm around Dan’s shoulders and hugs her son.

“I’m happy.” He confesses.

Even her chin trembles at this. She says, “Oh, Dan.” Because s he can’t remember the last time that Dan had said that. Years ago, most likely. Before soft white lines specked across his wrists and thighs and stomach, barely visible now. Before a night spent at a hospital, getting his stomach pumped after a badly-ended party at a friend’s house. Before she had asked him, “Why, Yazi, why are you doing this to yourself?” To which he had broken down and said, “Because I hate myself and I feel gross all the time and I think I might be a boy and it’s killing me!” He hadn’t been able to breath after he said that. Some said that when they told someone about how they were feeling, it was like a weight had been lifted off their chest.

Not Dan. It had felt like he was drowning, suffocating under too many emotions. the next day, according to his parents, he had passed out in his room, in a pool of blood. He didn’t wake up until hours later, in a hospital, more thick bandages wrapped around his wrists and a therapist talking to his parents.

He had been scared, of course. Not knowing what was happening and not recalling the exact words that he had said before. He wanted to go home but they wouldn’t let him. He had stayed at the hospital for weeks. They made him talk to therapists, talk to his parents, talk to doctors, all in trying to figure out what would happen in the future.

‘Are you going to try and do it again?’, ‘Do you feel like you need to get drunk or high?’, ‘Do you regret it?’, ‘What would you like us to do?’, ‘Can you tell me how you feel, Yazi?’

‘No. Yes, I don’t know yet.’, ‘Yes, I do.’, ‘For other people, yes.’, ‘I don’t know.’, ‘I don’t know, don’t call me Yazi.’

They had settled on Dan in the end. Daniel James Howell. Dan thought that it sounded good. Masculine and strong. A new name, a new house, new school, hopefully new friends. A new start.

Three months after everything had happened, yet it still seems as if everything’s moving too fast.

His mom tells him that she’s happy, too.

She tells him that she thinks that this will work.

She tells him that she loves him.

And then, she leaves and Dan is left alone with his thoughts again. He flops back onto his bed, his hands resting on his stomach. He decided to try talking to his parents about going on testosterone tomorrow at breakfast. That is, if he could pluck up his courage. Even after all the therapy and endless pushes from other people to just talk to them about how he feels; he’s still constantly struggling to open up.

His parents tell him that they understand, and how this is hard for them too, but they support him and will do everything that they can do to help him, but what they don’t get is that a huge part of this is something that Dan has to deal with on his own. They can’t fix everything, no matter how much they’d like to.

The binder is hurting his back more than he’d like to admit. His parents had gotten it for him as a ‘you’re out of the hospital which means that you’re not going to try to kill yourself again yay we love you son’ gift. Still, Dan had been overjoyed. Very obviously, it made him feel more valid. Like his parents accepted that being trans was a thing that he actually was, and not just some weird teen ‘phase’ or trend.

He runs his hands under his T-shirt, feeling the flatness of his chest, slight happiness trailing through his body. Back down, to the curve of his waist that’s too feminine and brings the dysphoria back. Hips that are too wide. Fingers slim and slender. Torso too narrow. Face too angular and eyelashes too thick.

He pinches at his skin, pulling a bit of it away from his body and then letting it go, the fat instantly going back into place. A glare makes it’s way onto his face.

The room feels too small.

His chest hurts and it feels to tight and why can’t he breath where did the air go?

He gasps, fighting for breath and then launching himself out of bed, to the window. Fumbling with the lock before pushing it open, letting the cold autumn air press against his too-warm body.

He squeezes his eyes shut and keeps telling himself that this is all happening just because he’s overwhelmed. That’s it; just overwhelmed and homesick for his old house back in London.

He pulls himself up to the windowsill, letting his feet dangle down into the empty space outside, cold swirling around him, offering comfort of sorts. If his mom saw him now, she’d yell at him to get down, saying something about how she didn’t go through all of this just for him to break his neck whilst falling two stories down from a window. He ignores her non-existent nagging, focusing instead on the sharp window frame cutting into the back of his thighs.

He tells himself that he shouldn’t like the discomfort that it’s making him feel, but likes it anyway.

He ignores the slight bruising on his rib cage when he puts his binder back on after a shower. In the past, if he had a bruise, he would press his fingers against it, letting the dull ache feel considerably sharper. But he doesn’t touch the bruises on his rib cage. Doesn’t stare at his naked body in the mirror, picking out all of the things that he hates about himself, either. He tells himself that these are steps forward, however small they may seem. He tells himself that he’s happier, pushing the lingering thoughts of how he still craved to do the things that everyone had told him were wrong.

He paints a smile on his face before he goes around the corner to the kitchen, taking a deep breath despite the binder’s restrictions.

Just overwhelmed, but he can get through this. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

Nichole texts him just as he’s shoving a forkful of syrup-drenched pancake into his mouth. He chokes on the food, coughing it out all over his plate, his eyes watering. His Mum frowns at him, and he shoots her a slightly-apologetic looking smile, before grabbing his phone off the table.

Nic: Maven said that Tris said that you moved wtf.

Dan: Sorry for not telling you yikes my bad.

Nic: Tf happened.

Nic: Don’t ignore me you little shit im ur best friend why didn’t you tell me?

Dan: It’s a long story.

Nic: Well, I’ve got time. Tell me.

Dan: Im trans. A boy. Yknow how bad the drinking and drugs got, and the selfharm you know about that, too. My parents found out. In the hospital for ages and now in manchester. A new start, apparently.

Dan’s hands are shaking as he types. But only a little.

Nic: And you didn’t tell me, why?

Dan: I should have. I’ve been a mess.

Nic: A mess is an understatement, kid. I haven’t heard from you in ages.

Nic: I didn’t even get to say goodbye??? How’s that fair???

Dan: Sorry.

Nic: Stop apologizing, I get why you did it.

Nic: I just fucking miss you.

Dan: You know I miss you, too.

Nic: I gtg but we need to talk later bye

Dan: Bye.

“No texting at the table.” Dan’s Mum chides just as he puts his phone back down. He swallows thickly and sips at his orange juice.

Through everything, breakfast was the one thing that had always stayed the same. His Mum would always make a huge breakfast, and they would always eat it together. Him, his Mum, and his Dad. Two years ago, Nichole would have joined them too, many times a week. That was, until everything spiraled down into shit.

His parents had told her not to come by their house anymore. They thought that she was the one who was bringing their child down. Backwards, even then, trying to make everything someone else’s fault.

Nichole’s fault that Yazi’s coming home drunk, Nichole’s fault that we have to get Yazi’s stomach pumped, Nichole’s fault that Yazi’s high, Nichole’s fault that Yazi is hurting herself.

Never once, the truth. Never once a ‘Yazi’s like this because she’s sad and we’re blaming other people instead of trying to help.’

Apparently it took a suicide attempt to get their heads outof their asses.

The school is only a ten minute walk away from their new house, but Dan’s parents still insist on driving him. An excuse of; “We have to talk to the principal” was one that Dan couldn’t really brush off that easily.

Dan’s hands shake a bit as he walks up the steps to the intimidating front entrance. His parents are a few paces behind him.

This nervousness isn’t really comparable to any other that he’d felt before. Right now, he’s scared that someone will find out that he’s trans. Maybe his hips are too wide and this eyelashes are too thick and his lips to full and his chest to big. The binder bites into his ribs uncomfortably but he tells himself that this is normal and that everything’s going to be fine.

Dan’s standing in front of the men’s bathroom door. He takes a deep breath, then another. He glances to right towards the girl’s room.

He glares, then pushes open the door.

He did it.

It’s hard to breath. The classroom seems too small and stuffy and his new classmates seem to loud and his chest feels too big even though it’s compressed down so much that it digs into his ribs.

He lifts two fingers up to his neck, pressing them into the skin just below his jawline, feeling his pulse. Like he’s checking to see if he’s really alive.

Thump, thump, thump, his heart goes.

They’re going to see that you’re not cis, his mind goes.

The teacher -- Dan hadn’t bothered trying to remember her name -- is talking about some sort of math equation. He’d look up how to do it on youtube later. Right now, he main priority is trying to stay somewhat sane.

He’s never really felt like this before and therefore doesn’t really know how to deal with it.

Everyone here called him Dan. Or Daniel. Not one ‘Yazi’ had slipped past anybody's lips.

Wasn’t this supposed to make him feel more like himself? Because right now it just confused him even more. Yes, it feels good to hear everybody calling him by his new name. But would they still call him that even if they knew that he was trans?

Lunch is another thing altogether.

In classes, he had a set schedule.

Though he hadn’t really been paying too much attention to the teachers, it seemed as if he had a purpose; to learn. To absorb knowledge that he’d most likely never use again. To ignore the loud cis boys at the back of the class and the equally loud straight girls at the front, to smile in a way that hopefully was kind at the misfits scattered around everywhere - the people that his Mum would want him to be friends with. The people who actually listened. He could promptly ignore the other ones; the Nichole-type people. The ones who smoked behind the school gym when they were bored and got shitfaced on school nights and seldom slept for a full six-hours. He could remember being one of those types of people. Maybe he still was. Maybe that’s why his skin itched when one of their gazes fell on him, silently asking, ‘whom art thou Daniel?’

And then, Lunch.

Dan goes outside. He’s not hungry anyway.

He debated walking down the street a bit to go to the cafe that he had seen on the way there.

As it was, he ended up behind the school, glancing around quickly to see if anybody could see him, then shoving his hands up his shirt and pulling the edges of his binder away from his red skin. It didn’t help much.

He sits there, beside a storage shed, until the bell rings.

Nic: Where are you living now anyway?

Dan: Just outside of manchester.

Nic: You gonna get a northern accent?

Dan: I’d rather die tbh

Nic: So.

Dan: SoO??

Nic: How are you?

Nic: And dont you fuckign dARE pull any of that ‘im fine’ bullshit

Nic: Tell me, Mr.Howell, how are you doing?

Dan: I’m goooooooood

Nic: No ur not tell me how ur really doing you nerd

Dan: Idk

Dan: Emotions are complicated af

“Did you have a good day at school?” Dan’s mum says when her son barges through the front door.

“Yeah it was fine.” Dan grumbles, throwing his bag onto the floor and stomping up the stairs to his room.

“Y’know you could be a bit more grateful,” and then faintly hears his mum call, “We did this all for you, after all.”

He pretends that he didn’t hear her.

Binder on, or binder off? Does the dysphoria win over the pain?

He keeps his binder on.

He paces back and forth in his room. It’s too small for this kind of emotion.

He throws open his window, leaning out of it. Downstairs, he can hear his mum preparing dinner. Minutes later, he was sure that he’d be able to hear his father coming home from work. They’d want to hear how his first day at school had been, “Did you meet any friends?”, “How are your teachers?”, “Did you find your way to your classes on time?”, “What did you eat for lunch?”, “Are you happy there?”

No, fine, yes, nothing, no.

He turns his phone on, his thumb hovering over the ‘Call’ button on Nichole’s contact. He shuts it off and throws it across the room. He needs to be strong and cut her off, isn’t that what his parents wanted him to do? And shouldn’t he pay attention and listen to their wishes after they’d literally uprooted their lives and moved to a new city -- all so that he could start over and be who he really is?

He growls lightly, listening as the front door opens and then banging shut and as if on cue, his father’s bright and loud voice easily resonating up the stairs and to Dan’s little room full of too much but not enough.

He digs into his pocket for earbuds and crosses the room to his phone, plugging them in and turning on the music too loud to hear anything. It can’t drown out his thoughts, but he does try.

The sun fades from the sky quickly.

Dan peels his binder off his body when his mum calls him down for dinner. The red marks it leaves itch when he pulls on a loose hoodie, but he ignores it.

Dan wakes up before the sun’s rays shine over the horizon.

He likes being awake early, it’s peaceful. He turns on some soft music and pushes his window open, letting the cool morning air waft into his room.

He can see every one of his ribs. The mirror is a bit dirty and cracked, distorting his face slightly but showing his toso nearly perfectly. He prods a bit at the skin on his hips, a glare instantly making it’s way onto his face. There’s red marks along his chest, showing where the binder pressed down too hard.

He cups his tits in his hands, digging his fingernails in, so much that it hurts.

He moves his hands up, running them through his short brown hair, pushing it back up into a quiff and jutting his jaw forewards a bit, squaring his shoulders and standing with his legs farther apart.

Masculine? Maybe?

His breasts are still there, his boxers fall flat where there should be a bulge. His eyelashes are thick and his hips are too wide and his stomach too flat and arms to skinny. When he talks, his voice sounds a bit too high. His face is smooth, no stubble.

Feminine? Maybe?

But then again, what defines femininity and masculinity? Does it really all just depend on what you look like?

He ends up scrunching up a sock and stuffing it down the front of his boxers, securing it in place with a few safety pins. He takes a huge deep breath, and then slips the too-tight binder on over his bruised ribs.

Baggy jeans and an old T-shirt, followed by a sweatshirt. It wasn’t like he was trying to impress anybody. He digs through one of the cardboard boxes that still have yet to be unpacked, finding some matching socks and putting those on as well.

He looks at his reflection again in the full-length mirror. Jutting out his jaw, squaring his shoulders, lifting his chin up, spreading his legs a bit.

He swallows thickly.

Masculine, almost.

As long as you ignored the things that he was hiding.

The atmosphere at the school seems different. Dan brushes it off easily though, internally snapping at himself when fear jolts through him.

He smiles at one of the girls in his class, looking away quickly when she furiously blushes.

He sits behind the school by the shed at lunch again. He doesn’t know anyone well enough to eat with them. He scrolls few a few missed messages from Nichole, telling himself that he’d answer them later.

Killing time has always been one of Dan’s talents. It wasn’t useful for much, except for the fact that he could sit completely still for hours without getting bored. Most people would get all fidgety and want to move around, but he just sits there for the whole duration of the lunch time. An hour later, he goes back to class.

He hasn’t made any friends.

It’s been a week at the new school, and he hasn’t said more than a dozen words to the same person.

When his mum asks him how things are going, he brushes it off with a simple; “It’s fine.”

It is. It is because everyone calls him Dan even though his voice is a little higher than most boys. It is, because nobody offers him a cigarette when they come behind the school smoke. It is, because his parents call him their son.

But, in another way; it’s all wrong. When asked about going on testosterone, or having surgery, his parents had exchanged a look and then said that they’d discuss it in the future. It’s wrong because his binder feels too tight and it’s bruising his ribs too much. It’s wrong because he doesn’t talk to anyone in case they figure out he’s trans.

#trans #transgender #ftm!da #phanfic #phanfiction #dysphoria #suicide mentions #selfharm metions #myfics

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gotincest-blog · 7 years

Text

im gonna answer those questions because im bored (:

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

fairly good I would say.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my mom

03: Do you regret anything?

yes, i regret some things I did in my childhood that hurt others

04: Are you insecure?

Yes I am but pretending to be confident really helps

05: What is your relationship status?

single

06: How do you want to die?

im honestly so scared of dying so I don’t like to think about it

07: What did you last eat?

taco bell

08: Played any sports?

yes. soccer, basketball, softball in elementary school (:

09: Do you bite your nails?

no I pick at them and also pick at my skin and hair more than anything

10: When was your last physical fight?

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten into a physical altercation

11: Do you like someone?

i dont think so right now

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yes and longer

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

no I don’t. I don’t think I’m capable of harboring that feeling

14: Do you miss someone?

yes I miss my bff

15: Have any pets?

Yes! 2 dogs. one is 10 years old the other is 8 months old

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

tired. conflicted, out of control

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

yes and in the shower

18: Are you scared of spiders?

horrified of spiders (:

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

No. things happened because they were meant to and I wouldn’t change my experiences because they give me insight and have helped me grow..but if i could choose moments to re live that would be cool

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

uhh friends house

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

i dont have plans as of right now but i’ll probably hang out with my friends and my family maybe

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

ive wanted to have kids before but with the state of the world where it currently is, not so much anymore. im obsessed with being pregnant though

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

yes, 7. nostril, septum, two holes in each ear lobe and a cartilage piercing

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

english was my best subject in school but i dropped out so yknow...i feel like id also be good with psychology or animal science but the world may never know

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

probably but i dont obsess over it like i used to

26: What are you craving right now?

sleep....cuddles...kisses

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yes

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

yes and ive also cheated ):

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

yes.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

my body and how messy my room is..also the fact im not taking my meds

31: Does somebody love you?

yes! i am very loved

32: What is your favourite color?

greeeeen, but i like wearing black a lot

33: Do you have trust issues?

uhh. no i usually trust people pretty easily even though ive been fucked over so much, but i dont see the point in not giving people chances and forming relationships with trust

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

my last dream involved me having really nice long black hair and also getting a job and going back to high school :O

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

angel

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

idk....probably

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

neither! honestly for me though i think that forgetting doesn’t help. it’s important to remember your experiences so that you can learn and grow and then have the potential to forgive. i think being able to forgive can be really healthy

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

i dont think i ....have ever had a best year of my life. this year isn’t awful though, im spending time with friends, my family is healthy, ive had employment and sex so thats +++

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

i started having sex with people when i was 5 so like, theres no real reference point for that, but my first important relationship that involved kissing and sex happened when i was 12...w someone a lot older ):

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

YES! I WAS PSYCHOTIC DiSSOCIATING IT WAS Fun

51: Favourite food?

mac n cheese hands down, i do like mexican food though

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

yes. i really do.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i watched surgery videos...huh

54: Is cheating ever okay?

this could be taken a few different ways. cheating on a test? sure thats fine. stealing is cheating imo and i dont like stealing/shoplifting even though i’ve stolen before. i dont think its okay, but honestly if youre in poverty and you need food or diapers or clothes for your children/you/your dog or something then i understand. cheating on someone in a relationship? i understand why it happens but no i dont think its okay. if you are interested in other people or you even think you cant trust yourself in that area, address it with your partner first or take a break or break up if youre unhappy enough to do that. but i definitely do understand why it happens, especially considering ive done it before and have had it done to me.

55: Are you mean?

i would say i can be..in the sense that im too honest sometimes and things i say are sometimes difficult to hear but i try to be considerate and fair and i would say over all im pleasant to be around..more so when im medicated though

56: How many people have you fist fought?

i dont think any tbh

57: Do you believe in true love?

i dont know what this means but i do believe that love exists..its just not as selfless as people claim. every body is selfish in pretty much every aspect of life, but selfishness and love for someone arent mutually exclusive.

58: Favourite weather?

probably like 65 degrees, sunny, light breeze, clear sky, late morning/mid afternoon OR 70 degrees nights where its super dark but the air is still and you can be outside in shorts and a t shirt and not be cold and maybe rain..i like rain

59: Do you like the snow?

when it isn’t snowing in may lol. i used to live in constant snow and play in it a lot as a kid so those are some good memories...it can be annoying now but i think its very pretty.

60: Do you wanna get married?

the idea kind of scares me but if i trust and love someone enough to commit like that, yes 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

that word is honestly ruined for me lmao

62: What makes you happy?

animals, people being kind to one another, having money, SPENDING MONEY, food, inside jokes, hugs, kissing, clean socks, showering, relationships working out for other people (IT GIVES ME HOPE AND PEACE OF MIND), gifts, music, swimming, having a clean room, petting my dogs, when i look cute in an outfit, when my hair dries nice, cuddling, getting key tags for na, roadtrips, camping, things that are green, joking around with my family

63: Would you change your name?

no. i like my name. but i have friends who still call me kyle and i really prefer that at least with them..its just more comfortable

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

no...itd be fine

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uh...i dont like ruining friendships with relationships...this has never happened to me so i honestly dont know

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yes! (:

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my brother

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

sam & angel

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

yes.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

my mom

#long post #long #me

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