#im completely isolated here i have to keep the relationship as calm as i can

[tamagotchikgs]

Are you sure you haven't contracted sepsis dude?? Your posts really sound like it's worth getting checked out /gen

im gonna give it a couple days & see,,, going to the doctor has to be my absolute last choice o(-< i have no way of getting there except through my mom and she isnt aware of my sh and it. wouldnt go well if she were

[kazuwhora]

hello hello, i see your requests are open now and can i request izana, wakasa, chifuyu and kazutora with an akutagawa!s/o? hope you have a great day/noon/night! ✨🤗

hi anon! sure! I will try my best with izana and wakasa since there's not tons to work with personality wise so forgive me if theirs are a little shorter heh. im gonna include a little blurb from the bsd fandom wiki for anyone not familiar with his character! I like these kinds of headcanon requests so if anyone wants to see more please feel free to request!

"Akutagawa has a black and white "survival of the fittest" view of the world, claiming that weak people should die and give way to the stronger ones. He is not afraid of pain and defeat His ruthless, vicious nature makes him one of the Port Mafia's most dangerous members, feared by both ally and foe. As violent as he is, Akutagawa maintains a generally composed and detached approach. Towards subordinates and superiors alike, he acts aloof, distancing himself from social interactions however possible. Nonetheless, his composure is fragile. Akutagawa is quick to lash out, ridiculing him for risking the bounty by acting recklessly. This quick temper often gets in his way, fuelling his actions to the core of his very being."

SUMMARY: izana, wakasa, chifuyu, && kazutora with an akutagawa!so

CW: hints of toxicity and violence, mentions of sex but not really all that nsfw-ish so otherwise not much else!

IZANA

- this is an interesting one because from what we know about izana, he is very similar in personality to akutagawa in terms of ruthlessness that stems from childhood trauma and isolation.

- in the case of a s/o with this personality, I think it would be a troubling relationship. lots of bitter fights fuelled by nothing but an inability to express vulnerability, while leaving both of you torn up inside and begging for someone to nurture the trauma and allow space for emotions.

- that being said, with toxicity and trauma also comes intense passion and desire. this relationship brings a lot of fire both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom, with simple arguments often spawning into intense desperate (and lengthy might I add) sex. like, intense. it's almost like sex is the only safe outlet of these pent up emotions, providing a sort of comfort and also distraction for both parties.

- however as I said in general, this is definitely a toxic relationship. one where neither can help the other when it comes to growth and improvement on a personal level. it's unhealthy and enabling, but for a short lived fling it is hot as fuck im not even gonna lie. lots of hate sex too.

WAKASA

- so wakasa is another interesting one alongside izana given the lack of information and content we have about his character so please excuse the slight kc fanon version I have in my head of wakasa lol

- wakasa has a "don't fuck with me because I do not fucking care" type of vibe to him. I definitely think he's the type to completely disengage from the type of behaviours an akutagawa-type s/o might display. this leads to sort of a sense of competitiveness in trying to get some kind of reaction from him, and it has the potential (much like izana) to become toxic in nature

- any attempts to get under his skin are failed attempts, and the way he looks at you with that half bored expression is something that only triggers more of a somewhat emotional response from you.

- with that being said, my fanon version of wakasa is someone who while cold and aloof, is also quite a rational person. he's been typed by the fandom as INTJ which is quite a quick thinker, and I think he probably (despite not showing it very well) has a soft spot for you. but your passion and intensity (as well as your easily triggered dynamic) keeps him from completely being able to express this care in any way other than not engaging with your antics

- as much as there are some similarities with the type of toxicity in this relationship with both wakasa and izana, the intense passion isn't quite the same as it is with izana. instead, feelings of passion are more to the point and driven by pure instinct and desire rather than toxic passion. wakasa seeming like a very literal person, is actually quite mysterious deep down and has a lot (I mean a lot) of hidden desires and kinks that begin to emerge with time. it's rarely a conversation, and more often just something that happens that surprises you. you just have to go with the flow here, and let him take the reigns for once. it might actually be a good opportunity to allow for vulnerability to take the spotlight for once, which is something wakasa is surprisingly in tune with and quite to the point about.

CHIFUYU

- this is something much healthier than the last two. chifuyu, being an enfp is someone that's able to handle this level of intensity in a person while still being able to understand what's really going on.

- call him the trauma counsellor king. he values each and every response to a trigger that you might have. he notices patterns, he makes mental notes of things, and he does this all without making it seem like he's analyzing.

- to be honest he actually loves the spunk you bring on a day to day level. even though most of the time it's driven by bitterness or hate (not always towards him just in general) he is still able to see beyond that and appreciate you for what you are.

- with that being said, chifuyu will not stand for any toxic behaviour towards him. no sir he will not. threats and pushes for fights wont be tolerated, and he will either disengage or try to expose your vulnerabilities in an attempt at forced submission. this can be hard to get used to, especially with having a personality characterized by the inability to accept being vulnerable. but with time chifuyu is one to create a safe space for you to allow yourself to feel emotions beyond anger and resentment, and he encourages this.

- because of this very feelings based approach, intimacy with chifuyu is just that: intimate. he's extremely loving and doting, hoping that his sweetness can rub off on you a little bit. however he's also very accepting of your need for power over him (especially during sex) and will absolutely submit to your needs in order to please you.

- he really likes to put you in a place of pleasure though, so however that may come to you chifuyu is the one to deliver it.

KAZUTORA

- oh boy. this one is a doozy. listen. if we're talking about timeskip kazutora (as is the case with all characters i write about but I feel it especially important to remind ppl of here given his history), we're talking about someone who is quite literally walking on eggshells in terms of his trauma and emotional vulnerability.

- he's pretty good at being emotionally aware of his needs and struggles as well as the needs and struggles of those around him, but that doesn't mean that he's entirely healed or capable of managing toxicity or his triggers. he still slips up from time to time especially when things get hard, and sometimes finds himself falling into his old patterns. after all, he's only human. but this is where things could get messy in a relationship.

- for the most part, like I said, he's pretty good. so let's focus on that part first since I want to give him credit where it's due. he is very desperate for love and dedicated to providing something to his partner. in this case, he will seek to tap into his emotional vulnerability to provide some sort of comfort for you. he wants to see you happy, and calm, because he sees so much of his old self in you that it gets to him sometimes. but at the same time, he struggles with your relentlessness and can become emotionally drained when things get tough. he'll beat himself up for not being good enough to help you, and this is when he'll isolate and fall into old patterns.

- however, akutagawa's personality type isn't all bad. with a s/o like akutagawa, comes an immense amount of protection and loyalty for their loved ones no matter how tough things might be. in this case it might be hard to communicate this, but there will be times when it's needed in order for kazutora to restrain from old habits and ways of dealing with hardships. but he wants to share his healing with you, he wants you to be happy, and more than anything he understands the struggle of wanting to be happy and healthy but being afraid of losing the one thing that makes you you: your attitude and relentlessness. nobody understands this better than kazutora, which is why things between you can get frustrating and very personal for him.

- much like chifuyu, sex is driven towards pleasing you and only you. chifuyu leans more into switch territory however, while kazutora is 100% submissive. in this case it works out well, however he has a lot of boundaries and limitations when it comes to the way in which you function. he doesn't like degradation. instead, he thrives from praise and any sign of love and care. this might be tough for you to execute 100% of the time, but when it comes down to it the way his eyes twinkle for you is enough to make the ice around your heart melt just a little more each time.

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Summary and Ch.1

A Salvatore Moreau x Female!FishMutant!oc fic based on this idea I had the other day that a very specific subset of the fanfom went absolutely apeshit for, which I'm here for and decided to act on. I can't make any promises for consistent uploading or even a finishes product by the end of this, but so long as im still interested in working on it, I'll keep working on it, and if im not, then I wont, plain and simple. Anyways, here's the summary and chapter 1, please let me know what you think of the story so far, i hope you all enjoy (you'd better all enjoy), and I can't wait to see you all again for chapter 2. Bye! <333 (Link to ao3 posting will be in comments so check there if you want to read it there instead)

Warning: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

Summary:

Now, I’m sure everyone already knows the ancient tales that tell of a beautiful young woman slowly falling in love with a horrific monstrosity of a man. The pure and true love this innocent beauty comes to feel for him, despite his terrifying appearance, is the key that breaks the cruel and twisted curse under which he’d been kept prisoner. This allows the man behind the monster to not only return to his true human form, but then go on to live his Happily Ever After with the beauty who saved him. Everyone already knows of these tales, as well as the messages behind them, however that is not quite the way this particular tale plays out.

The tale I am about to tell bears many similarities to the one above, however there are also quite a few important differences. For while the original detailed a beauty falling for a monster because of the kind and loving man he was behind his hideous exterior, this is a tale of a beauty, with a few monstrous qualities of her own, falling in love with a kind and loving monster, not at all despite his grotesque appearance, but rather, in part, because of it.

This is a tale, where the Beast still falls for his Beauty first, but the Beauty is the one who will be pursuing her Beast.

Chapter 1: Mother's Gift

Few of those who lived isolated from the outer world, high up in the mountains of Romania, would expect anyone of reasonable sanity to be out traveling in this hellish sort of weather. The wind howling a demonic high pitched tune; snow, sleet, and hail pounding into the ground like an endless shower of bullets from the heavens; and hungry lycans still roaming the area, tirelessly looking for their next meal, would be enough to incentivize even the strongest of mortal men to seek shelter away from the deadly conditions of the outside.

A man by the name of Salvatore Moreau however, one of the 4 lords of this mountain region who lived in the reservoir just past the windmills, did not appear terribly concerned with what other people thought of the traveling conditions. Completely unbothered by the horrifying weather and threat of suddenly being ground into doggy food, the hooded man trudged his way through the dark and barely maintained snow paths. Starting at the reservoir and making his way toward the village, Salvatore moved as quickly as his deformed body would permit, an unusually chipper spring added to his lumbering hobble of a walk.

Mother had a gift for him.

Yes, a truly joyous day it was whenever Mother Miranda called upon him to join her and the other lords for a meeting. Miranda was usually so busy with her experiments that she rarely had time to visit her children outside of these ‘family meetings’ they’d been having recently. However, it would appear as though Mother has come up with a solution of some kind to this problem and wishes to share it with them in person. Whatever this solution is, the mutated man has no idea, as Mother Miranda had been quite vague in her message, however the fact that Salvatore was being given the chance to see his radiant mother AND receive a gift from her, all in one day, was more than enough to make up for how agonizingly lonely he’s been these last few months since winter set in, as well as how agonizing it was for him to walk in this weather.

Salvatore arrived at the usual meeting site just as the clock struck 8pm, precisely as Mother had instructed. However, much to the hooded man’s confusion, when he turned the handle on the large wooden door to enter the room, he quickly realized that he was currently the only one present. This was especially strange considering that, usually, at least one of his siblings was always present a little earlier than necessary, usually Alcina or Karl, but occasionally Donna with Angie in tow.

Mother had clearly said in her message that she wanted to start the meeting at 8pm sharply, so where on earth is everyone?

“Moreau” Mother Miranda’s voice called out, immediately pushing all thoughts from Salvatore’s brain as her powerful, yet lucious voice echoed against the halls of the room like a choir of angels.

“Y-yes! W-what… is it… M-mother Miranda? I-i-i came to you… j-just like you asked” Salvatore responds, bowing his head in reverence as he slowly crosses the room and approaches the otherworldly woman.

“So you did, though I suppose you coming exactly when I call makes the most sense. You always were the most obedient of my children” the woman remarks with casual disdain, her voice devoid of any sort of motherly affection or tenderness. Despite the clear disgust and disregard with which Miranda regards the hooded man standing before her, her words light Salvatore’s soul ablaze, filling his mangled body with intense feelings of heat and desire that melt his heart of the cold, icy frost that had frozen it over the course of the long winter.

“Y-y-yes, y-yes of c-course, Mother M-Miranda! I-i would… I would do any-anything... for y-you. A-anything you s-say... anything y-you n-need… I’d d-do it... f-for you. W-without question!” The deformed man says, practically getting on his hands and knees and crawling as he neared closer and closer to Miranda, stopping only when he’d arrived just in front of the steps the raven mother stood upon, his gaze trained at the ground as he knelt at her feet, awaiting his fate at his mother’s hands.

“I know you would, Moreau,” Miranda says cooly, gently brushing the palm of her hand against the black fabric that covers the top of Salvatore’s head, “which is why I’ve called you here today; to reward you for your loyalty and service to me thus far.”

Salvatore sinks sharp and jagged teeth into the flesh of his bottom lip, nearly drawing blood as he desperately tries to silence the needy whine that wanted to tear its way from the back of his throat. His body shivered and twitched in unimaginable delight from the sudden tender caress to his sensitive skin. How long had it been since someone had touched him so gently? How long since someone had spoken to him with such kind and soft words. Took the time to gather presents as a reward for years of faithful servitude? How long since someone had loved him like this?

‘Too long’ the disfigured man sighed to himself, reveling in the soft, gentle contact for as long as he is able.

“Moreau. Look at me” Miranda commanded firmly, and despite not wanting his beloved Mother to be forced to bear witness to his hideous face, he complied, lifting his head up and back to allow his gaze to lift from the floor and up at the glowing figure that was his Mother, his beautiful, incredible, intelligent, majestic mother.

The light shining down from above illuminates Miranda from behind. From Salvatore’s perspective on the floor, the light darkens her face and most of her torso and waist, giving a softened, almost ethereal glow around Miranda’s figure. This, along with the rest of her garb, makes Mother Miranda appear even more like the holy woman that Salvatore naively believes she still is. Despite her less than affectionate treatment of him thus far, Salvatore still stared up at the darkened face of Mother Miranda, his eyes shining with reverence, love, desire, and unending devotion.

“Y-yes... Mother?” Salvatore breathed, barely able to speak above a whisper as Miranda stepped away, gesturing for him to follow.

“Are you ready to collect your gift now?” The raven mother asks, speaking more softly than before and even holding her hand out to Salvatore, her pose and appearance mirroring that of a powerful god taking mercy upon her wretched follower, reaching out to reward the years of faithful servitude and worship.

Salvatore, barely able to keep himself calm as he stumbled to his feet, did not grace Mother Miranda’s question with a proper response, instead practically racing to take the woman’s outstretched hand in his own.

“I’m ready Mother… I-I’m ready for... my g-gift now… can I… c-can I have it n-now… p-please?” Salvatore begs, pulling at Miranda’s hand like an overly excited child, seemingly unaware of the disgusted twist of her face when the hooded man’s cold, slimy fingers firmly latched onto hers.

“Of course, my child” Mother Miranda says, pulling her hand back from Salvatore’s and instead placing it along the man’s hunched back, beginning to guide him to wherever it was the raven mother had hidden his gift.

As Salvatore limped next to Mother Miranda, the deformed man couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that Mother had gotten for him. Was it a new cloak, to replace the worn one he was currently wearing? Perhaps a new set of romance films so he didn’t have to rewatch the ones he already owned over and over again anymore? Or maybe it was something to help with his digestion?

It would be nice to get his chronic acid reflux under control again.

Regardless of what the gift actually turned out to be however, Salvatore was merely pleased that he was finally getting a chance to spend time with Mother Miranda all by himself for a change.

Maybe, if he was lucky, she’d even agree to hold him, just like she always did back when he was still undergoing cadou treatment.

Oh how wonderful that would be!

[rafecameron]

idk if u do rqst but i love ur writing! can u do jj x reader in a secret relationship bc shes a kook & also kiara’s enemy? maybe kiara having a lil crush on jj and when she found out, thats when the drama happens? kie confronts y/n and they get into a fight!! 🤭 im sorry if you dont do requests ): just ignore this then!

thank you so much for requesting! I haven’t written for JJ in so long I hope this is okay!

You didn’t necessarily enjoy sneaking around. You hated lying to your friends about where you were and what you were doing but you knew it was for the best. You knew your friends would look down on you for dating a pogue, but that wasn’t even what you were worried about. It was his friends. One friend in particular. Kiara. You knew kiara from school and you even used to hang out with her during her kook year. You were never what you would have called friends but you got along and were civil so when she completely turned on you at the end of last year you were more than a little surprised.

You had tried to talk to her, even if you didn’t much care for her you didn’t want any animosity between the two of you. But she hadn’t wanted to know and you’d given up trying pretty quickly. If she wanted to isolate herself from the whole school then you’d leave her to it. You never imagined your paths would have to cross much again besides sharing the same maths class. But then JJ had happened. And it hadn’t meant to happen.

You’d been at a kegger, nothing unusual about that. But your friend had ditched you to hook up with a touron so you’d found yourself wandering around the fire pit alone and more than a little intoxicated. That’s when you’d bumped into him. You’d seen him around before but you’d never spoken nor had the chance to get a god look at him. And now you had? You were enchanted. His messy blonde hair wasn’t something you’d usually find attractive but it suited him. You got lost in his blue eyes, eyes full of hope and laughter. You’d spent hours sitting with him, talking and laughing. Until kiara had appeared and all but ripped him from your side.

“Kiara what the hell?” You’d asked jumping up from the log you were sat on with a glare.

“Stay the hell away from my friends.” She spat back with a scowl to match yours.

JJ had intervened before a fight could break out, he held kiara back, profusely apologising to you before pulling her away. He’d found you on Instagram the day after and sent you another apology and since then you’d been practically inseparable.

“Do you think we will ever tell anyone?” You ask. Your chin was resting against JJ’s chest as you looked up at him, the sunlight coming through your window casting an ethereal glow across his tanned skin.

“I dunno y/n.” JJ sighs, he hated when you brought this topic up, “it’s complicated.”

“I know,” you lift your head, reaching a hand up to caress his cheek lightly, “but I mean in the future. Surely we can’t hide forever.”

JJ lifts his head, eyes softening as they meet yours, “one day yeah. Don’t think I don’t ever want the whole world to know you’re mine, cause I do.”

You quickly crawl up his chest and plant a kiss to his lips, the smile on your face making it hard to kiss him properly, “I want the whole world to know I’m yours. I want kiara to know I’m yours, so she can stop eyeing you up.”

JJ rolls his eyes and drops his head back with a groan, “not this again,” you hear him sigh, “she does not have a crush on me, y/n.”

“Yes she does!” You sit up, straddling his lap so you could look down at his face, “you don’t see the way she looks at you! Also, you’re completely oblivious to everything. I was dropping hints for weeks before finally out right saying I liked you.” You roll your eyes.

“That was different! I just convinced myself you would never be interested in a pogue like me.” JJ looks up at you, a small shrug rolling off his shoulders.

“JJ you know I don’t care about that stuff.” You lean down placing a kiss lightly to his lips.

“I know that now.” JJ replies, placing his hands on your hips as he kisses you again.

—-

It had been months since you’d started dating JJ, seven to be exact. And you’d both done a pretty good job at hiding the fact from other people. Your parents were out most of the time and your neighbours were elderly so it wasn’t hard to sneak him in and out of your house. You’d been to his a couple of times but he liked to keep you away from his dad as much as possible and you were perfectly okay with that.

You were currently attending what you were sure would be the last kegger of the year as the nights were starting to get noticeably colder as winter rolled around. You had a hoodie on, oversized and pulled over your hands to protect against the chill. You found it increasingly hard to stay away from JJ at keggers, because every time your eyes found him there was some touron trying desperately to get into his pants. You trusted JJ but that didn’t mean you liked to see it.

Your eyes were only pulled away from the blonde as a commotion broke out behind you. You weren’t at all surprised to see Rafe tackling someone to the ground, Topper not far behind him. Before you knew it there was at least eight people rolling around in the sand fighting. You tried to get away from the punches but before you knew it someone had been thrown in your direction, tumbling into your legs and pulling you to the ground with them. You let out a squeal as you fell backwards into the sand, hurting your lower back as you landed.

“Get off of me.” You growled pushing the drunk kook away from your legs.

“Y/N!” You heard your name being shouted, the kook was lifted away from you and chucked into the sand and suddenly JJ’s concerned face appeared in front of yours, “are you okay?” He asks his hands coming to rest on your shoulders as he looks you up and down for any obvious injuries.

“I’m fine.” You smile resting your hands gently on his wrists, “my back hurts a little but I’ll be okay. People will see.” You tried to pry his hands away but he wouldn’t let you.

“I don’t care, that asshole could have seriously hurt you!” JJ complains, his hand moves to your cheek, “are you sure you’re okay?”

You open your mouth but you don’t get a chance to reply. “What the hell is this?” Kiara asks appearing behind JJ with a look of disgust on her face, “JJ? What the fuck?”

JJ looks at her over his shoulder, his brows furrowed in a scowl, “back off kiara, nows not the time.”

“I think nows a perfect time to explain what the fucks going on.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest as her friends join her, confused looks crossing their faces.

“Kiara-“ you begin but she cuts you off.

“I wasn’t talking to you! I swear to god if you’re messing with him I’ll beat the crap out of you.” Kiara steps forward, popes hand on her shoulder stops her.

JJ stands up, helping you up with him, “she’s not messing with me! We’ve been dating for seven months. We didn’t tell you because we knew this is how you’d react.”

“Seven months?” Kiara splutters out, “what the hell? If you’re using him for some plot to get back at me-“

“I’m not using him!” You step around JJ and closer to Kiara, “I have no plot to get back at you because I have no reason to! You’re the one with a problem here not me! I’m sorry that you’re like in love with him or something but he isn’t interested!”

“I’m not in love with him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kiara steps forward again, now only inches separating the two of you.

“Okay let’s calm down a minute.” John B speaks up pulling Kiara back as JJ tugs on your arm, “I think we should hear them out before starting any fights.”

“Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been lying to you guys, but I knew the reaction we’d get. And we really like each other, we didn’t want anything to ruin it.” JJ explains with a sigh, “and in y/n’s defense, she wanted to come clean months ago, it was me who said no.”

“Well I didn’t see this coming.” Pope speaks up but he smiles and lets out a chuckle, “it explains why you’ve been so damn happy lately man.”

“You’ve really been dating for seven months?” John B asks with raised brows, you both simply nod in answer, “Look, I’m okay with it. Like Pope said, this is the happiest we’ve seen you in a long time.”

“Well I am not okay with this!” Kiara cuts in with a frown, “you know how I feel about her! I can’t believe you guys don’t even care.” She shoots you another glare before turning on her heel and storming off.

The boys watch her walk away for a few seconds before turning back to you, “we’ll talk to her, she’ll come around.” John B sighs and hurried after her.

“I’m happy for you guys!” Pope calls over his shoulder with a grin as he follows after his friend.

JJ lets out a huff of breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, “that went bad, but not nearly as bad as I expected.”

“Are you kidding? She wanted to smash my face in!” You complain.

“Babe, she always wants to smash your face in.” JJ looks at you with a cheeky grin, “but at least I can do this now.”

He grabs your hips and leans forward, his lips meet yours in a slow kiss, your arms wrap around his neck and hold him close to you, “and I don’t care who sees.” He mumbles against your lips before connecting them again.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

To get back what you’ve lost, even if its by force/Lets bring hell to their damn doorstep boys.

a little dark side au story not directly being a sequel to my other angst story for this au~

This is Roceit with some hints at previous Demus and Princexiety and some soft hints at platonic Loceit, and it also includes a few of my own headcanoned dark sides( that im going to try to make more content for!)

Things had been...ok for the light sides once Deciet got full settled into his new role. ‘ Self preservation’ Logan had referred to him with a calm understanding and a welcoming title. And though some things hurt for Deceit to leave behind, he began to embrace this new style of living slowly but surely with the others, especially one certain musical prince whose smile made him admittedly swoon. 

Yes Deceit would admit to himself that Roman Sanders had captured his affections, though sometimes he almost couldnt let himself believe it. Just as he almost couldnt believe the new golden and purple room he woke up in each day or the new clothes Patton and Roman had excitedly provided him.

“ It’ll look great on you Dee! I designed them myself!”

“ Its definitely a very stylin new look kiddo! And besides, you deserve some welcoming presents!” He had offered a small smile and taken the clothes with a nod, slipping back into his new room to continue settling it and redecorating it to his preference. 

Though during the next video he hesitantly appeared, relaxing when he was greeted warmly by everyone. Roman had excitedly showed off his new updated outfit and Deceit took a deep breath.

“ I well...I also had a small idea to ‘change things up’ but, you guys wouldnt like it...” His tongue flickered out briefly.

“ Aw cmon Dee dont say that! You know no matter what it is we’ll like it!”

“ But, if it makes you more comfortable, we will not push you to share.” He looked at Thomas who smiled encouragingly and let down another wall, revealing the outfit he’d put together to officially start his new life here. 

After that they had gotten closer, much closer as time went on. Deceit could almost, almost forget what and who he had left in the shadowy halls he once called home. But not completely, never completely...

He jumped when Roman placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, making him look up into loving crimson eyes. The taller side leaned down and kisses his scaled cheek as he invited Deceit to join him and the others into the living room for a movie marathon, and as their hands interlocked he couldnt have been happier...

“ aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!” 

Elsewhere there was a thud and a clatter as a glass shattered against the dark wall. The one whose head it broke mere inches from didnt flinch, even as one of the shards left a bloody cut in his cheek, bright pink eyes bored. 

“ Virgil if you keep breaking silverware we wont have any left.” He spoke in a  annoyed, uncaring voice as he wiped the blood from his skin. Virgil snarled at him in response, his eyes glowing purple and green and glowing strings tightly scattered all over the room like an intricate spiderweb. They all pulsed with a livid light, and illuminated the living room in a eerie purple cast. The others in the room had decidedly kept quiet for the time being, none of them willing to approach their furious leader having a meltdown. Though one scoffed and rolled his bright orange eyes sneering.

“ Could you throw any worse of a fucking tantrum Virgy?” Angry eyes narrowed in on him so fast with a disturbing head snap that he stiffened, feeling more strings lace around him.

“ What. did. you. say. Wrath.” The words were low and hissed, balancing into demonic sounding and he smartly shut up, backing down with a muttered “ Nothing Anxiety....Nothing at all....” Virgil growled and went back to his seethed pacing, his hood making it so only his glowing eyes were visible above his mouth. Neither Wrath nor Arrogance dared move closer, watching him pace in the middle of his web. Remus was nowhere in sight, having locked himself in his room for the past few weeks now to brood. Arrogance sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose irritated. Remus and him had been moody and snappish ever since Deceit had chosen the light sides, chosen Roman and the others over them weeks ago. And Arrogance, Aaron for short, was getting rather pissy himself about needing to walking on fucking eggshells every time he left his room. Wrath was getting angry too, no surprise there, but this was utter bullshit to him. And to Wrath, there was a simple solution. 

At least he considered it simple as his gaze drifted to the dolls tangled in the air in strings. His eyes snagged on the light blue coded Patton doll before he looked towards the other ones, like Logan’s and Roman’s trapped toys. Now however there was another in the center of his lines, a peculiar doll with a carefully, intricately designed scaled side of his face and a small velvet cape wrapped in purple. 

Finally he couldnt take it anymore and stood up from his seat, ignoring the way he himself began to get tangled. 

“ Oh for fucks sake Virgil youre getting on my nerves with this! If youre so pissy that he’s over there then just fucking bring him back already and quit your damn hissy fit!” There was silence as the two stared each other down.

“ Just...take him back huh?” 

All eyes turned towards the doorway where Remus stood, twitchy and eyes glowing. Admittedly it made Jacob nervous, Remus sounded calm and collected...something that didnt bode well with his twitching demeanor and intense stare. 

“ Can we just do that...bring Dee back home?” Virgil looked down and began pacing again, though his posture was no longer hunched and aggressive. Instead now it was straight backed and more composed. He let out a hum and they all watched him quietly as he went around, his hand reaching out and grasping the Roman doll and holding it in his grip, in an almost caring and tender way. Memories fluttered across his mind and disappeared once more, filled with visions of the new couple’s happiness...

Take him back...

“ Yes...why didnt I think of that sooner? Oh Wrath...no, Des youre brilliant when youre not mindlessly aggravated...” A twisted smile curled upon Anxiety’s lips as he gazed at the doll then looked at Deceit’s, reaching his other hand out to graze his fingers along the yellow coded doll’s cheek. 

“ I know exactly what will tempt them onward...and then I will bring him back...no, we’ll bring him back.” He looked over his shoulder at Remus, locking eyes with him as a wide crazed grin grew on Remus’s face, his pupils seeming to dilate dangerously. “ Wont we Remus?” 

“ Oh fuck yes I cant wait!!!” He tightened his grip on the doll in his hand and looked down at it with a betrayed, angry sneer.

“ Lets bring some chaos and hell to their little doors shall we boys?” 

Deceit shuddered as he got a sudden chill, making him glance around his room as he sat up. Something felt wrong to him, something he couldnt place. But nothing was wrong. The dark sides had been quiet for a few weeks now, and Thomas had only had small controlled bouts of anxiety that was easy to soothe and he had been happy and even a little more carefree than normal. Things were fine between himself and the other sides, great even when it came to his relationship with Roman. Roman...

Deceit couldn’t help the soft, dopey smile that crossed his face at the thought of the creative side. He had been nothing but kinda and affectionate since they began dating, and every day he saw him was another day Deceit felt he was on cloud 9. But he shook his head and refocused on the problem at hand, pulling on his beanie and jacket as he stepped out of his room. Nothing seemed off or even out of place. 

“ Maybe...I’m just imaging things...” He shook his head again and pulled his jacket closer to him to warm up. He decided to head for the living room, that maybe being around the others would get rid of this feeling. So he made his way, furrowing his brows at how...dim the lights seemed now. Had he been in his room longer than he thought? ‘ No...no I couldnt have been...Patton would have called me down for dinner and he hasnt yet...’ His pace quickened as he spotted the stairs and the light glowing from the bottom of them. Deceit’s body relaxed a little at the warm glow and a smile reappeared on his face.

And it quickly dropped into a worried frown as he went down the stairs and found himself back at the end of the hallway. 

He stopped and looked around confused, his surroundings not clicking in his mind. He should’ve been in the living room now. But he gazed at the hallway dotted with their bedroom doors and the stairs at the very end, warm cheerful glow still coming from the bottom. So he simply walked the hallway and hurried down the stairs again...

...only to end up back at the start of the hallway, again. 

“ What the hell...” He looked around again, this time with a pit of dread forming in his stomach. Something wasnt right. 

Why couldnt he leave the damn hallway?

He tried taking a deep breath to collect his thoughts, a tip Logan had given him in the case he ever got too upset to focus. Once he was calmer he walked slower towards the stairs. Not many sides could do something like this, and it definitely wouldnt be some kind of pranks the others would pull on him...

“ Remus I swear to god if youre doing this please cut it out!” He called into the hallway, eyes searching for any hints of the wild side. Deceit knew he loved edgier pranks, and scaring him with a prank of a ever repeating hallway in isolation felt just up his alley of thinking. He couldnt help but let out an exasperated sigh, anger fading. He couldnt stay that mad at the Remus if he was pulling a cruel prank. Honestly any reestablished contact with the other wouldve been...nice.

Deceit missed his friend, and maybe this would be his chance to heal the wounds he mightve caused by leaving and rekindle the friendship. He chuckled to himself as he stopped at the stairs.

“ Jeez....I guess Pat’s soft side is rubbing off on my more than I thought...” With that he headed down the stairs and shook his head at the beginning of the hallway.

“ Cmon Rem! I know youre probably pissy at me...and you know what? I dont blame you.” He started walking again, looking around him with a pleading look. “ But please, just come out and lets try talking again ok? Like we used to? We can spread out in my room and hell, I’ll even give you the bed spot you always fight for. Just...lets cut out the game now ok?” He got nothing but silence as an answer, and he paused.

Silence was something that was not Remus’s style, prank or not. And now his guard was up faster than a gunshot.

“....Remus? Are you there?” He looked around again, getting more and more uneasy at the silence and started walking again.

“ Arrogance if this is your idea of a joke it isnt funny! Cut your shit.” No response and once again he was back where he started. Now he was getting angry, and even a little afraid. 

It wasnt Remus, because Remus couldnt handle this kind of silence for this long even for a joke, especially when he was called out.

Arrogance wasnt one to pass up taunting his inability to escape, and on top of that he wasnt really one for pranks either. When Remus called him a stick in the mud...he wasnt exactly wrong. 

And Wrath didn’t have the patience for this kind of thing. 

His walk this time was slower and more cautious, this time when he glanced around his eyes darted to dark corners too. The pit in his stomach grew and worsened as he made it to the stairs again and looked down them. He could even see the damn landing, washed in light. He hurried down again and almost yelled in frustration as he ended up at the beginning again. It took everything in him not to freak out.

“ Patton!?” No answer.

“ Logan??! Can you hear me??” No response.

“ R-roman!!!!” Nothing. 

No he was starting to panic, but he forced himself not to let it consume him. That feeling felt too familiar and he ran down the hallway.

“ Virgil if this is you’re doing stop it!! This isnt funny!!” Still no response and he repeated the loop a few more times. He opeed his bedroom door and saw it was just as he left it, but simply staying in there now almost felt...bad, like he’d been cornering himself. And trying the others doors did nothing, because either they were uncommonly locked or simply wouldnt budge. His breath hitched and hissed through his teeth faster as he run down again, this time tripping and hitting the carpeted floor with a dull thud. 

“ owwwowowowowwww....” He pushed himself onto his knees, eyes squinting in pain and a little dazed. For a moment he thought he saw a tall figure blocking the stair’s light and he shot up to his feet, groaning in absolute frustration when no one was there. He took a few steps and stopped, looking down at the floor when his foot stepped on something. One the floor was Roman’s crimson sash, and with gentle hands he picked it up and held it tenderly. The soft scent that drifted off it relaxed him, and made him smile as he looked down at it, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. Looking at it he finally took another deep breath and tried thinking more clearly, his eyes shutting briefly. 

But because his eyes were shut he didnt notice purple glowing strings drip from the corners and behind him, silently creeping closer and surrounding him. When he finally opened his eyes and noticed the glow his eyes went wide in fear and the sound of footsteps on the stairs made him whip around. Though he only had time to partially shout as strings wrapped around him firmly and entangled him to the point he could barely fight back, strings around his through silencing his voice. He looked up at the hooded figure gripping and manipulating the strings like a puppet player, a cruel evil smirk on his face as his eyes glowed. 

“Well well now Deceit. You really shouldve know better...” The world began to darken and he felt Roman’s sash slip out of his fingers vaguely noticing his beanie fall off his head when he was moved closer to Virgil. Virgil’s eyes narrowed and his smirk widened as Deceit’s eyes began to fell shut, nothing but purple in his fading vision.

“ You really shouldn’t have tried to leave.” 

There was nothing but silence upstairs as Patton, dusting off his polo in a small huff from dealing with Arrogance and Remus making a chaotic mess in the living room before leaving as suddenly as they appeared, walked to the stairs landing and looked up to the dark hallway.

“ Dee! Kiddo dinner is ready! Come on down we dont want to start without you!” His head tilted and his brows furrowed in concern when he got no answer, his voice drifting and echoing around the hallway.

“ Kiddo? Can you hear me up there? You ok?” He put his foot on the first step as his voice echoed again.

“ Deceit?”

And echoed right over the old red silk sash and dark grey beanie that lay in the middle of the carpet, not a person nor side in sight.

Tadaa! Thats the end(for now) I hope you guys like it!!

Taglist

@phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @leesacrakon @amazable01

@sugarglider9603 im tagging you in this so you could maybe ready it! I hope you like it and the angst!

[rainywritingsx]

Request: Can I get a bnha matchup please? ;u; I'm a transman, 165 cm, 20 and bi/pan with no gender preference. I'm usually quiet/reserved, monotone/boring when spoken to, but once a subject of interest is brought up, or when im with someone I'm comfy with, my personality does a 180 - I'm loud, sarcastic, and annoying. My sense of humor is all over the place lol Ive been told that I'm "old in spirit" bc I'm really mature when I need to be, even if most of the time I act like I'm 5 lmaoo

I'm pretty chill for the most part, idc what u do as long as it's not hurting anybodyhdjdh im also rlly stubborn but a huge pushover, dunno how that works. I'm both carefree and a worrywart (to both others and myself) and I typically hold my emotions in cause I don't wanna bother others. I try to help others 24/7, even if it affects me negatively. Uhh physically speaking im a lot stronger then look, and I own literally no nice clothes lol its all graphic Ts, cargo pants and hoodies for me

I'm a huge ass nerd when it comes to anything science related, especially paleontology + herpetology. I love all animals (no phobias) and I have 3 snakes whom I adore. I also like to draw and write occasionally. I have severe MDD and SAD, so even with meds I can have really bad depressive episodes and/or panic attacks. This is getting super long so I'll stop now fjfkh thank you !! Sorry if I repeated info I got a shit memory

Before I start, I personally have no experience with MDD or SAD, but I did look up both disorders and I hope that what I wrote about them is okay. If you’d like to correct me, please feel free to do so ^^ 

I���m sorry that this is so long lol, but I wanted to discuss as many things you noted as possible ^^ Hope you enjoy it!! ^^

Reminder that as of right now, requests are closed!

I ship you wiiiith

Hawks!

Your personality reminds me of a rainbow in a way? So, I feel like Hawks would never ever find a day boring with you! Since he has this whole thing of people calling him fast etc, I lowkey get the idea that that also applies to his personal relationships, so having someone with so many fun personality traits is perfect for him.

I think Hawks is mature in a way, just like you are. I mean, he started his own agency at 18 and a few years later he is the number 3 Hero, that definitely does something to you. So I think it’s nice to him that you are the same, while also remaining carefree most of the time. It makes his busy and serious life a bit more fun.

Your chill attitude is yet another thing Hawks loves, since he wants to be that way as well. Also, with his job, he most likely can’t always tell you everything about it for safety reasons. As for whether it’s hurting people… He can’t always promise you he won’t do that, but he will let you know it’s always with good intentions. Villains can’t always be defeated with just talking to them.

It kind of warms his heart when you are worried about him. I don’t think Hawks is really the type to fall in love easily, so if he had any relationships before meeting you they may not always have been genuine. While part of him likes it, he also doesn’t want you to worry. He always promises to come back, and it does make him a bit more careful when patrolling, because the last thing he wants to do is upset his wonderful boyfriend.

Now, when it comes to you keeping in your emotions, this is where it gets a bit difficult. I don’t know exactly how much time you two will be able to spend together, so he may not always be able to be there for you when you’re having a hard time. However, while Hawks appears to be chill, he’s also smart and analytic and notices when you are feeling down. He won’t force you to tell him what is wrong as he knows it’s hard for you, but he does reassure you that you’d never ever bother him and he will always listen to whatever you have to say. However, if it seems to go on for a long time, he might push you a bit more, simply because he knows keeping it in won’t do any good. But also here he can tell when it really gets too much, so if you still won’t tell him, he will be a little hurt, but definitely stop.

He thinks you’re the sweetest person ever, but he also worries about your well-being at times. If he sees you absolutely exhausted but still telling him everything is fine, he will just scoop you up and go somewhere so you can relax for a bit. Sorry not sorry :p

He thinks it’s kinda hot that you’re stronger than you may seem heh, like if you work out or just do something that requires strength and he sees it, he might make a flirty remark about it and appear chill but on the inside he lowkey panics because uhm what how is his boyfriend so attractive???? explain?

I don’t think Hawks cares that much about what you wear really, if you feel comfortable in it that’s all that matters. You could literally wear a potato sack and he will think you’re the most attractive person on the planet. He might even spoil you a little by buying you hoodies and other clothing which he knows you would love. And no, he won’t let you give it back, it’s yours.

I can’t really see Hawks being super interested in paleontology or herpetology, but he won’t mind you rambling about those things to him! While he might not always focus 100% on what you’re actually saying, he will study your face, smiling at how your eyes are lighting up and your lips are curled in a happy smile as you go on and on about it. If you catch him not listening to you, he will just make a remark related to your beauty, partly to see how you react and partly because he genuinely means it.

So you love animals? Bird boi is perfect for you, now he sees why you fell for him ;). He definitely likes birds, i don’t think he particularly adores any animals but I can see him strongly disliking some mammals like cats and dogs (I think these sometimes eat birds sooooo yeah..) He definitely thinks your snakes are pretty cool.

Hawks doesn’t seem like much of a reader, but he would definitely love to see your drawings! He thinks every single one of them is super awesome, and if you ever give one to him, he will definitely make sure it gets a special place in his house, a place where he can look at it easily whenever he misses you or just feels like it.

As for your MDD and SAD, at first Hawks will be clueless on how he can help you out. If you have a depressive episode that causes you to isolate yourself, he will definitely force you to go outside. It could be just walking to his place, or taking you on a nice flight at night over the city. Afterwards, he will bring you to your favourite restaurant or buy you food that he knows you love. You will also definitely be showered in lots of love and affection. If you’re uncomfortable with PDA however, he will only do it when you two are alone. He will also joke around and flirt with you just to see you smile, but if he sees it doesn’t help he will stop.

Same goes with your anxiety attacks, at first he’s completely lost on what to do. Hawks isn’t stupid of course, but he’s aware that every person is different. If he finds out about this before you have an attack, he will ask you what would help you in situations like that. However, if this happens without him knowing about it at all, he can recognise what’s happening and will do his best to get you to calm down first before talking about it with you. Hawks may not always seem like the most serious guy, but when it comes to you he’s dead serious and always careful. 

So, you’d be very lucky to have someone like him by your side :) Once Hawks is in a relationship, he will give his all. And any moment with him is definitely far from boring

[hxseok-honee]

i found | part 29

a/n: o h b o y here we go- the BIG BOI CHAPTER! i’ve had the idea for this chapter since basically the beginning of the au, and after a long time planning and an even longer time writing and editing, she’s complete. a huge fucking thank you to my bby girl @deepseavibez (ALSO IT’S HER BIRTHDAY OMG MY BBY)- she’s the first to read any of my drafts and also be very honest and real with me about them, and im incredibly appreciative of her. she told me she needed at least 24 hours before she was allowed to speak to me again after she read this chapter bc she was just gonna end up yelling at me, which i love about her. i hope you enjoy it!! lmk what you think uwu~ [also i first had the idea for this chapter after listening to Violence by Tender! not on the playlist but a v good listen for this chapter if you’re into that]

previous | next

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It’s been four weeks. Four weeks of whispering and pointing. Four weeks of uncertainty and confusion. Four weeks of being avoided by the one person in this school who had always sought him out first. He knows something is wrong- he knows it’s his fault. She told him that she doesn’t regret what happened between them, but everything she’s been doing is telling him that she does. Avoiding his gaze, being vague in her texts, barely speaking to him in class- it’s obvious that she lied to him when she told him everything was fine between them. It’s so obvious that he can’t tell what hurts more: the fact that she lied or the fact that she’s not even trying to hide it.

Yoongi’s barely been able to get out of bed in the morning these days, let alone sit through all his classes and see Y/n every day. He’s gotten so used to her warm presence that he’s almost unable to revert to his old self with her. He’s forgotten what it feels like to ignore her and only acknowledge her when he has to, and it kills him inside to know that she’s doing it without even hesitating.

And yet, he finds himself showing up to their shared classes every day hoping that maybe she’ll come around. Today is no different. Although she was acting the same in potions, he’s still holding onto the hope that she’ll have even the smallest of smiles on her face when she walks into transfiguration. So as he sits there, trying to prepare himself for what’s likely to be another failure, he finds himself wondering yet again what he could have done differently - wondering how things could have ended up like this. He’s so lost in his head that he almost doesn’t hear her reach her seat, the sound of her bag hitting the desk interrupting his internal despair.

Taking a quick glance at her and confirming that she’s, yet again, not going to acknowledge him, he sighs slightly and opens his textbook, wishing for what feels like the millionth time that things will get better soon. He mumbles a quiet greeting in her direction and waits until she’s hummed in response to start flipping his textbook open. He can hear people whispering behind them, and when he looks over his shoulder he finds that most of the people in the room are looking at him and Y/n. Even a month later, they’re the most popular topic of conversation.

Before long, McGonagall enters the room and silences the class, beginning her lesson for the day. They make it about halfway through the class before she gives them partner work, at which point Yoongi is groaning internally. Y/n’s managed to get through every set of partner work they’ve had without initiating any form of communication, only speaking when Yoongi directly asks her for help. Even now, she’s started working on the assignment without him, leaving him to stare glumly down at his textbook.

He finishes about half of the work before he gets to a question he can’t answer no matter how hard he searches through the chapter, so finally he swallows his pride and pokes her arm, frowning deeply when she flinches away from him. She doesn’t even look at him when she speaks, still staring down at her own textbook.

“What’s up?” Yoongi’s heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice, and he hates himself for it in that moment. Clearing his throat, he taps a finger on his textbook.

“I don’t understand number 12. Can you just show me where it’s explained in the book?” Keeping his eyes on the pages as she reaches over to flip through his book, he’s on the verge of sighing again when something catches his attention. There, peeking out just a tiny bit from under the sleeve of her sweater, is a mark. It’s almost impossible for him to see, but as she’s flipping pages her sleeve rises marginally, exposing her wrist to him. And the more he looks, the more he realizes it’s not just a mark- it’s a bruise.

His blood runs ice cold in his body as something else registers in his mind- he hadn’t just asked her about their relationship that day.

‘is anyone bothering you? there’s no one trying to mess with you, is there?’

Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat as he remembers their conversation. He had assumed she’d lied to him about regretting the night in the common room, but it was entirely possible she’d lied about something else. Dragging his eyes in her direction as if in slow motion, he takes in her appearance as she focuses on finding the passage in his book. He hasn’t looked at her properly in a long time, too busy trying to close himself off to her again, but now he does. What he sees has his fists clenching tightly in his lap, everything becoming so clear now.

Her skin is pale and her eyes are sunken in like she hasn’t slept in days. He can see a cut on the corner of her lip, still red as if it had happened that very day. It’s obvious she tried to cover it up before class, but the makeup is messy, as if applied with a shaky hand. Pulling his gaze down, he has to stop himself from reacting when he sees evidence of more bruising just under the collar of her shirt. As Yoongi stares at her, he wonders just what else she could be trying to hide under those long sleeves and that high collar, and his blood boils at the realization that she had probably flinched away from his touch earlier for a different reason than he had thought. His imagination is running so violently wild now that he can’t stop himself from calling out to her.

“You lied to me.” She freezes in her task, gaze finally lifting to meet his after so long. When she sees the anger swimming in his eyes, she swallows hard. Looking around and realizing that the same nosy people are still watching them as subtly as they can manage, she tries to deflect the conversation. Now isn’t the time to talk about this.

“Yoongi, let’s talk about this later, please-” Her words only incite his anger further, and she has to stop herself from jumping when he slams his hand down on the table, catching everyone’s attention.

“You told me everything was fine!” His voice cracks on the last word, his desperation finally showing as McGonagall starts to make her way over to them. Attempting to ease the situation, Y/n reaches out to grab Yoongi’s shoulder, but he backs away from her touch, choosing instead to reach out with his own hand and take hold of her wrist. Ignoring her protests, he grips her sleeve and pulls it up, exposing her arm to him.

He feels like his breath has left him entirely when he sees her skin, every inch of it covered in dark bruises. Handprints left by several people, scratches and cuts littering the surface of her arm from her wrist to her elbow- everything he had hoped was just his imagination is there, right in front of him. He barely has time to lock eyes with her, hers filled with frustration and his overflowing with disbelief, before she’s yanking her arm out of his grasp, standing out of her chair and successfully knocking it over in the process. He follows her lead, yelling after her as she turns on her heel and rushes for the door, ignoring McGonagall’s request for him to calm down.

“You can’t just keep ignoring me, Y/n!” Not even sparing McGonagall a second glance, he follows after Y/n, fighting the urge to yell at everyone as they start talking loudly now. McGonagall’s call follows him out into the corridor, but by that point he’s already locked onto Y/n’s retreating frame and he knows he won’t let this moment pass.

Catching up to her quickly, he reaches out and takes hold of her arm, almost giving in to the guilt that courses through him when she flinches at the pressure on her skin. Dragging her down the corridor and into an empty classroom, he releases her arm, the guilt so strong now it’s as if he were the one that had put those bruises on her body. Slamming the door shut behind him, he looks at her through eyes filled with pain, frustration, and - most notably - intense anger.

“Why did you lie to me, Y/n?” She’s turned away from him, and it’s so isolating that he just keeps talking, saying anything he can to get her to react to him. “Why didn’t you tell me that any of this was happening? You’ve never lied to me before, Y/n, so why now? Do you blame me for this?” It’s those words that trigger a response from her, so charged with emotion that Yoongi almost takes a step back when she turns to face him.

“Blame you? Yoongi, how could you think that I blame you for this?” She sighs angrily, running a hand through her hair, and Yoongi’s heart lurches when the bottom of her sweater rises just slightly and he sees more damaged skin there. He can feel the corners of his eyes prickling at the sight, the thought of what she’d been through running through his mind as he wonders where he’d been when this was all happening. Swallowing hard and blinking rapidly, he listens as she continues her rant.

“Yoongi, of course I don’t blame you for this. You didn’t cause this. I just didn’t want you to find out - is there something so wrong with that? Is there something wrong with me not wanting you to start even more fights? I’m fine, Yoongi-” All the self-control he had left in his body leaves him as he explodes.

“You’re not fine, Y/n! And it is my fault! I know that, you know that, everyone in this whole fucking school knows that! But you keep pushing me away- you won’t let me protect you! And for what? You want to stop me from starting fights, but I’ve just spent the last four weeks in a constant fight with myself, wondering what I did so wrong that you would push me away this much!” He’s breathing hard, so hard that he thinks he might actually pass out if he doesn’t calm down soon. But he can’t stop himself now- he needs to know everything now. She doesn’t step away from him as he approaches her, and he notes in the back of his mind that at least he isn’t scaring her. She’s a lot more resistant to his temper than anyone else he’s ever dealt with. Running his hands down the length of her arms as softly as he can, he keeps his hold on her as he addresses her, his voice low.

“Tell me who it was.” Her nostrils flare at his demand, and he knows he’s pushing her limits, but he has to know.

“No, Yoongi. I don’t want you fighting anyone-”

“Y/n, please-”

“I said no, Yoongi. I’m fine.” There’s something about hearing those two little words again, so obviously a lie. He’s so tired of hearing her push him away. Everything about the last month has put him on the edge of breaking down, and to have her do to him the very thing she always told him to never do - to have her push him aside like she couldn’t depend on him, like everything they’d been through had been for nothing - it pushes him over the edge.

He knows she feels it when her expression falls blank, her eyes staring up at him as if asking if he’s really about to go through with this. Still, he has to know what’s been done to her-

he knows he’s officially lost his mind and probably all of her trust, but he can’t let this go unhandled. So he pushes further, keeping a firm hold on her as his eyes stay locked on hers. And finally - at the reaction she gives, pushing against his grip almost violently - he knows he’s found it.

“Yoongi, don’t you dare-” He closes his eyes at her words, shutting her out as he locks onto the memory in the recesses of her mind. Fighting the urge to cry, he whispers out to her, broken and desperate.

“I’m sorry, Y/n.”

-

There’s too many. Too many instances when he should have been there and wasn’t. The first shove, the first grab, the first taunt. The Ravenclaw boy that pushed her aside as he passed her in the corridor. The group of Gryffindor girls that cornered her in the bathroom and clawed at her until all that was left was bloody skin and a crying girl. The Slytherins that hexed her in the courtyard, pulling her feet from under her and forcing her to float upside down in the air, exposing her underwear in front of a dozen people.

Every time, there was another there to save her. Despite her curses and attempts to stay strong, there was always another there to pick her up and hide her away. The Gryffindor hothead, the pair of Ravenclaws, her favorite Hufflepuffs. Her boys, always finding her before Yoongi ever could. Always there, wreaking havoc on those that dare to hurt their friend. At least she had them. But there, amongst all the moments, is a more recent one that floats in the forefront of her thoughts, almost overpowering in nature.

She’s walking down the corridor toward the library, quickly and almost fearfully as she checks over her shoulder constantly. She’s so busy glancing behind her that she misses what’s in front of her. Looking ahead of her and realizing too late that she’s being approached by two Slytherins, she swears under her breath and turns back, trying to get away. When she turns back, however, she sees two more Slytherins rounding the corner and heading right for her. Looking back and forth, she realizes she’d be alone in this even if there were 50 other people in the corridor with them - she can’t get out of this.

Before she can react, one of the Slytherins - the only girl - takes hold of the back of her head and yanks back sharply, eliciting the scream of pain she was looking for. Throwing Y/n against the wall, the other three hover over her as their smaller friend swings endlessly, connecting with Y/n’s body over and over again. But when Y/n manages to fight back, landing a particularly nasty hit on the girl’s nose, the three boys jump into action.

One of them raises his hand and brings it down across her face harshly as another pins her to the wall and starts sending hit after hit into her torso. Y/n feels something crack in her body, and she screams so loud that she thinks maybe a teacher will hear her, but the third boy is grabbing her by the back of the neck and throwing her forward, shoving her to the ground with much more force than needed. At this point, even a small poke would send her into a fetal position on the ground, but it’s not like they care. The girl grabs the back of her head again, forcing to look up at them.

“It’s not so easy now when this Prince isn’t here to protect you, is it?” Y/n’s breath comes out as a wheeze, prompting one of the boys to send another punch to the same spot on her ribs that she’s fairly certain has already snapped in half. She screams again, and, on the edge of unconsciousness, she hears someone who sounds oddly like Namjoon running down the corridor, yelling her name. Before slipping over the edge and blacking out, the girl whispers in her ear again, her words echoing throughout the memory violently.

“You should have been more careful.”

-

Pulling out of her mind, the first thing Yoongi notices is the overpowering guilt that’s filling him, almost as if all the emotion he once had is now draining out of his body and leaving him to deal with the consequences. Recognizing just how bad of a person he’s become in the last ten minutes, the second thing he notices is the feeling of hands on his chest, slamming down repeatedly as they push him away. Looking down and finding himself staring into Y/n’s eyes, his brain registers faintly that this is the first time she’s ever expressed herself violently- the first time she’s ever put her hands on someone. But he can’t bring himself to be upset by the fact that she’s hitting him over and over again; he’s too busy recognizing himself in the reflection in her eyes - eyes overflowing with tears, eyes that have never looked at him like he was an enemy until this very moment.

Allowing her to push him back, allowing her to keep pushing until he’s backed up completely against a wall, he lets her cry and push at his chest without even thinking of stopping her. He deserves this, he knows he does. He’s done the one thing she’s asked him to never do, so long ago when they weren’t even friends yet. He knows that, and he knows there’s nothing he can do to stop this. He’ll just stand here and accept the pain that follows because he knows he deserves it. She’s been chanting something through her tears this whole time, the words finally registering properly in his ears.

“I hate you- I hate you- I hate you-” Each one comes with another blow to his chest, her forehead finally coming to rest on his shoulder as she sobs, her fists weakening against his form as she tires herself out. Once he knows she’s done, he brings his arms up slowly, desperate to hold her but terrified that she wants nothing to do with him anymore. Wrapping her in his hold, he chokes back a sob of his own when she clings to him and brings him close to her. Keeping her in his arms, he slides his back down the wall until they’re sitting together on the floor, his arms around her as she sits between his legs.

Leaning his head on her shoulder, he whispers apologies to her repeatedly, repenting for what he’s done. He buries his face in the crook of her neck as the tears that have been hovering at the corners of his eyes finally fall, the dam breaking as he begs her to forgive him. They sit there together, crying as they both understand what’s happened to them the last four weeks- crying as they realize how much they need each other, how impossible it’s become for them to push the other away after all this time.

Once they’re both done crying, Yoongi lifts his head and looks down at her through red-rimmed eyes, brushing her hair out of her face and wiping the tears from her eyes as she does the same for him. He’s still whispering apologies to her, and she’s just nodding along, having already forgiven him without even realizing it. But he’s not done apologizing, and he’s not sure he ever will be.

“You can keep hating me if you want. I deserve it. I know I do.” He says it through a raspy voice, having abandoned any form of embarrassment left in his body. He just needs her to know how he feels, even if it’s the last time she talks to him. He has no idea that she’s just watching him now, running her fingers softly across his cheeks as tears continue to slip from his eyes.

Leaning into her touch, he doesn’t notice how close he’s getting until his forehead is pressed against hers and their noses are brushing. His breath gets caught in his throat, a feeling he’s well-accustomed to by now, but this time he welcomes it. He won’t let her get away from him this time. He won’t let her go another day not knowing how he feels.

So when he tucks a hand behind her neck this time, he knows there’s nothing left for him to do. Leaning in closer and pausing to give her time to push him away, he waits until he feels her grip on the front of his shirt tighten before he’s pressing his lips to hers.

The feeling that spreads through his chest is so sudden and violent that he feels like he might need to pull away, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to do it even if he wanted to. All he can do is press his mouth even closer to hers, hugging her to him while she runs her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. He knows he hasn’t been able to really tell her how he feels about her, so he pours everything into the kiss, refusing to break it even when his lungs start yelling at him. She’s the first to pull away, finally overpowered by the need to breathe, but even then it’s only for a second before she’s leaning into him again, as desperate as he is to show him everything she feels for him.

Eventually they break the kiss, breathing heavily as they stare at each other, both uncertain as to what happens next. They sit there for a few minutes, just taking each other in. Yoongi runs his fingers through Y/n’s hair and she plays with the hem of his shirt. He leans into her and presses his lips to hers once more before pulling away and moving his mouth to her ear, whispering softly to her as her face warms, her hands running up the length of his arms and clinging to his shoulders and he holds her close.

“You’re mine now, Y/n - so get ready to deal with me forever, because I’m never letting you go.”

[herowy]

Dating Headcanon 3 + Scenario

Jenny

A total tsundere.

Most likely you would suggest going out in the first place.

Acts nonchalant with it but is actually really nervous.

She takes things slow in the relationship because she hasn't dated before and is just clueless about it.

Blushes a lot.

The type to want to hold your hand but is too shy to ask and will keep on debating over if she should. She misses the chance and is then pissed about it.

She's straightforward and blunt almost rude with people she doesn't care or relaxed with but with you, she is a complete mess and stuttering fool.

There are many times she wants to compliment you but is too shy and prideful to say them.

She would curse off people who are staring or making you feel uncomfortable, and if they brave enough to challenge her she'll get physical without a thought.

Gets into a lot fight in general and always have a few scratches and bruises on her.

She would be hesitant about dating at first because of all the violence and doesn't want to get you involved. The last thing she wants is you getting hurt. Of course, she'll never say that.

If you're really adamant on staying with her you'll have to really show it because then she'll just keep denying you and distancing herself.

If you do manage, swear on her life she'll keep you safe and as far from her brawls as possible. She might become more rational and actually think twice before getting into conflict to ensure your safety.

Your gonna have to be really patient with her since she doesn't express her emotions very well.

Hates overcrowded places, like really hates it, despises it.

Probably might see one of her enemies there or something.

She's not a romantic but does try and they usually end up failing.

Remembers the little things you like but acts like she doesn't care and tries to be very subtle with it.

If you unconsciously mention food or craving you want she'll pretend not to care but then a few minutes later or when your not looking she'll get it for you.

Not the type to initiate public affection and so you would have to make a move if you want any. Even then she'll try to avoid it but not because she hates it but because she's just really nervous and shy.

She's a private person so she prefers to be intimate when you two are alone.

The further the relationship develops she would start to show more affection and comfort but privately.

Baby steps like holding your hand, wrapping an arm around your waist and tiny compliments but all this while not looking at you.

She has a foul mouth but tried to lighten it with you. Tries.

There will be times when she's down in the dumps and will want to hold you close to her. These are the times where she's most vulnerable and needs you to be there.

Does get jealous quite easily and even over the little things but once you question her about it she will stutter out denial as quickly as possible.

Just sulks when she's jealous, depending on what or who she's jealous about it might get physical.

She prefers isolated places but if you really insist on going somewhere a little crowded then she'll follow grumpily.

Likes animals so probably the zoo or aquarium.

~~~

The night was as lively as ever, colourful streamers and small lanterns hunged and glowed vibrantly across the pathway. Stalls were situated at every corner emitting the smell of fried food and cotton candy.

The overflowing crowd continued to sway endlessly and voices overlapped one another with wild laughter and hollers.

If there was one thing she hated the most that would overcrowded places or loud and annoying bundles of people in one area. The grabble beneath them could barely be seen.

She gave out a low grunt while being dragged through the hoard by a delicate hand.

If it wasn't because of her lover and his doe-shaped eyes and honeyed voice begging her to come with him to a festival gathering, she would never, repeat, never come near this place.

"Come on jenn~ It'll be fun!." With his hands clasped together into a praying gesture.

" Ugh."

"Pleassseee Jenny." He closed the gap between them shouldering next to hers and giving the sweetest smile.

"There's nothing even fun out there. Just the same shit every year. Loud people and ball throwing crap." She grunted and stepped back slightly flustered at how close he was. She also didn't mention it being dangerous in the chances of passing by one of her enemies or them seeing her with him.

"No it's not. It will be fun if you actually give it a try. Come on, please. We've never gone to any festivals TOGETHER before. Besides, it'll make for a great date!"

"D date!?" Her face became red.

"Yeah, a date. Don't you want to?"

"…w well…it's not like…I don't w want to." She averted her eyes.

"…hmmm." He gawked at her inquisitively like he's searching for something.

"…"

"…"

"Ughh! Fine, let's go. Since your being so damn annoying and stop staring at me like that!" She blurted in defeat.

"Really!? Yay!!" He cheered.

Jenny grabbed her denim jacket and shoved it onto her self angrily. Damn him for being so cute!

And that's why they're now here.

Being dragged by the hands of her lover and making their way through the pathway as smooth as possible.

She could feel the excitement from how hastily he was hauling her.

A few seconds later she heard his voice saying something but it was blocked out by the screams of the crowd.

"What?"

"Lo…mm.."

She tsked. Next minute the hand attached on her arm was gone.

"Wah hey!"

Jenny called for his name and expected for him to reply but nothing…

She started to panic. Aggressively pushing through the hoard of people and cursing at them to move. She managed to squeeze into a more spacious area and searched for his figure. Turning back and forth and desperately roared for his name.

She was really worried now. What if he got hurt? What if she can't find him? What if…someone found him?

Her heart clawed at her chest in anxiousness and her body started to sweat at the acceleration

Trying to calm herself. She pulled out her phone and frantically pressing onto his contact number.

Ring…ring…ring…ring…ring…rin-

"Fuck! Why isn't he answering!? Fuck for fuck sakes!"

She was pissed. Very pissed.

Running through each row of stalls and pushing at people.

Where the fuck is he?!

She sprinted to the gates where the stalls ended and it was the ocean.

Dashed down the grabble steps and onto the beach where the ocean was.

The scratchy sounds from the grinding of sand against her red converse.

Running through the shore and making her way to the end of the beach which would seem absurd. The beach is more than 100 feet long. She didn't care though, she just wanted to find him.

Then she came to a halt midway. A familiar figure. She prayed to god it was him.

The figure turned around and with a shocked expression.

"Jenny!" He cried cheerfully.

"Ha ha ha…ha…" Panting out of exhaustion and the rapid pulse of her heartbeat.

"Thank goodness your finally here. I was worried that you wouldn't come here. I was gonna call-"

"Fuck sakes!"

"Huh?"

"What the fuck were you doing?!"

"Wh what are you talking about?"

"Why the fuck weren't you answering your fucking phone!?"

"Wah, my phone…oh, i-"

"Do you know how fucking worried I was!?"

"…"

He gaped and alarmed at her outburst. She was breathing heavily, sweat trailing from her forehead and her red hair sticking out everywhere. A complete mess.

"I was fucking running around for an hour trying to fucking find you! I called your phone and you didn't even fucking answer! Why the fuck even have a phone when you won't even fucking answer people's calls!?"

"…sorry…" His eyes fell down to his shoes and held a sad expression. It was like a child being scolded.

"Haaa…" She sighed and turned her face away from his.

A long moment of silence between them. The tension was thick and heavy.

"Jenny…im really sorry…I didn't mean to worry you. I got distracted by one of the stalls during the way. When I turned back…you were gone. It's my fault. I thought it was a good idea to wait here at the beach because it wasn't crowded and we can meet up together...but I didn't think…" He confessed with guilt in his voice and still not being able to look at her.

"Why didn't you answer my call?"

"I couldn't hear it during the crowd…"

She sighed again.

"I'm really sorry Jenny. I was planning on calling you though…" Biting his lips and felt a slight tremble, tears pricking at his eyes and slowly sliding down his soft cheeks.

Her eyes widened at the sight. His tears. He was crying. Her lover was crying. Jenny made her lover cry.

Her heart clawed at her again. Like before but it was more painful this time. It was piercing at her. Stabbing her through the front. Excruciatingly pain that made her hands welled into a fist and white.

"H hey…"

"…"

"Haaa look i-"

"…"

"I'm…sorry…"

"Huh?"

Jenny wanted to hold him. Embrace him entirely against her chest. Wipe those tears and protect him. Instead, she made him cry.

"I'm the one who should be sorry. I…I should have stayed closer with you and…I shouldn't have yelled at you either. Sorry."

"No no. It's clearly my fault, stupid of me to get so easily distracted and then get lost like that. I was stupid.

" Hey don't say shit like that! Your not…your not stupid. Look, it doesn't matter who's fault it is anymore. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"…"

Witnessing the sadness in his expression and tears that held its place. Swallowing her pride. Jenny closed their distance and hugged his fragile-like body.

"Damn it. Hey, hey look at me."

He slowly looked up at her amber eyes.

She carefully wiped his tears with her thumb and then firmly held his waist and head against her own body.

He leaned in with comfort.

"I really am sorry Jenny." His voice slightly muffled against her shoulders.

"Stop apologising already."

"But i-"

She cuts him off by tilting his chin upwards and sealing his lips with hers. Her tongue caressing his. He was surprised at her boldness. She doesn't usually initiate the first kiss, especially in public.

A few seconds later they leaned back with a thread of saliva connecting their mouths. Panting for air. Staring at each other for god knows how long.

Jenny finally breaks out of the trance of his enchanting orbs and realises what was happening. An immediate rush of heat flooded her face and quickly lets go of him.

"Ahem…that uhh th that wa wasn't supposed to happen…" She coughed.

He frozed his gaze at her stuttering and then giggled.

"Hahaha."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry Jenny, I get it. Thank you for comforting me"

"Wah h hey! It's not what you t think! I just did that so…so you would stop your cr crying! I don't actually care for you…"

"You were worried about me crying that's why you did that, right? So, you do care for me!"

"No, I don't fucking care! You were just being annoying and an eyesore!

" But you hugged me, wiped my tears and even kissed me."

"Shut up I only did that because it was in the moment."

"Hmmm just say you love me already."

"Shut the fuck up. No I fucking don't!"

Jenny was fuming with redness and frustrated by his persistence. She really wanted to shut him up again and his teasing.

"Haha, I love you too Jenny." He flashed a sweet smile.

By God was that long. Since it was only Jenny I'm writing for I decided to make it into headcanon plus scenario.

Honestly, reading back at them I feel bad for my lack of attention towards Mimi and Emily. Compared to the others I didn't write as much. They were my first OCS to start off with and I'm really fond of them.

I'll give them more writing next time to even it out.

[mercenarypark]

tf2 mercs and pets

ive been writing on this since yesterday and now im sick of it so heres a lot of words i made to distract myself from my father #animal abuse #abuse #physical abuse #antisemitism #insects #spiders #dogs #cats #birds #snakes #long post #text heavy

-medic, obviously, has a LOT of experience with birds. his mother had a cockatoo that he was basically raised with, and throughout his childhood he would always try to befriend the wild birds around their home [on the occasion he was allowed outside, that is]. in college/med school, he kept up that same trend, earning a less than stellar reputation as "that weird fucker who tries to climb trees around campus to get a better look at the birds’ nests", alongside his other reputations, "the weird gay jew who doesnt understand personal space" and "probably the cause of at least three "disappearances" throughout the semester since they were last seen harassing him"

-BLU engie gets ein[the canary] after a family member dies, they werent particularly close but the guy didnt have a will or any friends willing to take the bird, and engie was basically the closest living relative available [note: only BLU engie has the canary, not RED engie, and he recieves it a few years after joining the mercs]

-pyro kept the dalmation puppy they take in the comics, and he's a big comfort for them, they'll sometimes spend hours just playing with him or hugging him to calm themselves down from a panic attack; funny thing is, no one's entirely sure what pyro NAMED him, not even the people who can usually understand pyro's mumbles[engie, medic, solly, demo]. all 4 of them seem to hear completely different things so theyve just kind of accepted as a group that the dog has four different names that are all equally valid

-pyro also loves a lot of bugs, BLU py had a pet praying mantis for a while until the administrator made everyone move bases again, this time to a much colder climate- they were worried the mantis wouldn't survive the lower temperatures and released it before they left; theyve also kept tarantulas, ants, and stag beetles before -engie is also really into ant keeping and he and pyro bond over that, engie builds big elaborate setups for their ant colonies

-medic talks to birds, a lot, and seems to hold full conversations with them a lot of the time. not just his pigeon flock, either, but any bird- from sparrows to falcons to parakeets

-demo volunteers at the "kitten orphanage" shown in end of the line- hed work at the regular human orphanage too, but... he has too many bad memories of his own time as an "orphan". the kittens all love him, engie will sometimes come by to find demo sprawled on the floor on his back, three kittens on his chest, one asleep on his neck, one kneading its paws on his cheek, one chewing on his shoe...

-medic doesnt understand dogs. hes not scared of them, not really, he just. doesnt understand how they work. he cant read their body language at ALL and he was rarely around them as a child. he's ok with cats, though he still cant understand their body language that well, and sometimes irritates the shyer or more aggressive ones by being too affectionate- he only blames himself for getting scratched/bit though

-spy says he never had pets growing up, which is probably a lie- he just doesnt want to give anyone any information about his childhood and family life. he's mentioned once or twice that he wouldnt mind getting a pet snake, though, which engie thought was fucking hilarious and fitting

-scout actually didnt have pets growing up- her family spent a lot of time trying to make ends meet, and a tiny, shitty apartment w/ her, her ma, and her 7 siblings wasnt exactly an optimal environment for a pet. she always liked cats, though, and mice, and after she joins the mercs she grows to really love birds, too, because theyre Everywhere at the bases

-[RED] demo got his parrot, joyce, from BLU soldier[only RED demo has the birdman of aberdeen in my hcs]. solly found it in a bush somewhere as a chick, and brought it to demo. demo has no fucking clue how the hell jane managed to find a baby parrot out in the badlands, but he winds up taking her in, getting a lot of help from medic to get adjusted [medic is absolutely delighted and fawns over joyce the whole fucking time he loves her so much]

-demo's really worried for the longest time that he wont be able to take care of joyce properly ["i can barely keep myself together, how'm i supposed to keep you alive?"]  but he grows to really love her and she becomes an emotional support animal for him, on some of his worst days he keeps himself from drinking himself into a blackout by keeping her busy and happy

-she becomes even more important to him after the WAR update events, as a living reminder of his old relationship with jane; it hurts him sometimes to look at her and remember the grin on jane's face when she first handed him that parrot chick, but he loves joyce anyway and nothing's gonna change that

-demo also used to own lizards, he's partial to bearded dragons

-both RED and BLU solly are licensed falconers and wildlife rehabilitators. no one's entirely sure how. but its the reason shes allowed to have her Horde of Raccoons and also her fucking bald eagle [note: BLU solly is the one with the Compatriot, RED solly is the one with LT bites and the other raccoons]

-engie grew up with farm animals, because of course. he's good with horses, pigs, cattle, and sheep, and working dogs. one of the times the mercs had their bases relocated, they wound up in texas so RED engie took everyone out to his family's old farm [he pays to have it taken care of while his dad's... gone and he's w/ the mercs]

-spy flips the fuck out when he realizes just how fucking huge hogs are. then someone[scout] absolutely knocks spy into the mud with the pigs and he gets trampled and everyone laughs. also spy is mildly terrified of horses. spy does not have a good time at dell's farm

-speaking of terrified of horses, demo,

well really he's not terrified, hes just distrustful. it takes a long time for tavish to warm up to engie's horses, with a lot of reassuring from dell that hes not doing something wrong

-medic's pigeons are extremely affectionate and loyal to him, first and foremost. at least one or two accompany him at pretty much all times, except for when they're locked into their aviary at night. they also love heavy, scout, and pyro, and like/tolerate everyone else

-heavy loves birds. his family has a lot of chickens, and hes very partial to them; he also has a parakeet, who his sisters take care of while he's with the mercs. RED heavy is the one that finds the red army robin; he sees an injured little bird in the snow and he brings it to medic

-jane “soldier” doe cannot take care of cats or dogs or other normal pets for the life of her but if you hand her an injured wild porcupine and say "hey, how do i take care of this" she'll know exactly what to do; sometimes both soldiers will just come out onto the battlefield bottlefeeding a squirrel or something, and somehow artfully dodge enemy fire while shooting rockets AND feeding a baby animal. how's that for multitasking

-scout's ma, peg, has a cockatiel that she gets after all her children have left the nest, so to speak. scout teaches it to whistle happy birthday and demonstrates that on peg's birthday and its sweet

-heavy has a very specific [canonical, at least w/ "pokernight at the inventory"] childhood memory of watching a boy kill a sparrow, w/ the implication that the memory haunts him a little bit; seeing the injured robin brought that memory to the surface, and it freaked him out more than he'd like to admit. he was kind of panicking when he asked for medic's help, but trying desperately not to show it

-spy hates dogs. he hates horses. he hates insects. he tolerates cats. but most damning of all, he hates birds. thats a big problem with at least half of the base loving or at least liking birds, and with all the pigeons/doves everywhere

-it takes YEARS before spy stops insulting or scolding medic's pigeons every time he gets the chance, and the main reason he stops is because medic absolutely was NOT having it... still though, spy has his limits. he never hurt any of medic's birds, or anyone else's pets, because he may be a mercenary but he does have some standards. mostly

-this is notable, because, hahahhhhhhh. im gonna eventually make a much longer post about this, but medic has a fair amount of Trauma[tm] from dealing with classic heavy's abusive bullshit; the thing is though, cheavy realized quickly that medic could handle being yelled at or physically punished for his mistakes or his worse quirks... but he had a very vulnerable flock of pigeons with him, that he regarded as family and who meant the world to him

-the scene in the comics where cheavy grabs archimedes tight and throws him to the ground was not an isolated incident, is what im saying. though it /was/ one of the more violent ones, since after a few threats and a few times of cheavy proving he absolutely would follow through on his threats, medic got the hint

-through his time working w/ the classics, medic becomes more secluded and on edge, and more prone to breakdowns and fits; and even more protective of his flock, urging them multiple times to fly away and leave him, to find heavy or scout or SOMEONE and stay with them, that he would come back for them when he could[but they always refused to leave him]... the baboon infant incident was a long time coming and he only held off on detonating it as long as he did through sheer willpower and a healthy fear of retribution

-ANYWAY. projecting aside.

-scout /would/ get a cat from the kitten orphanage but shes worried it would try to kill or eat some of medic's doves, since they basically free roam the base; so instead she goes by with demo sometimes to play with the cats and its Good

-ms pauling is a big dog person, and i mean that both in the "she really loves dogs" way and in the "she loves dogs that are Massive" way; she grew up with newfoundlands and bully breeds and shes still got a big soft spot for them; she has two shelter dogs, one's an 11 y/o pit+rottie, the other is a 7 y/o mutt that has some st bernard in it and who's blind in one eye; she spoils them rotten

-engie is really into fishkeeping and after all this merc business is over, he wants to have big fucking tanks installed in his home; hes also surprisingly passionate about the proper treatment of fish, like, he nearly decked spy once for saying betta fish just needed a fishbowl and not a whole aquarium setup

-medic has stolen at least a couple fancy pigeons from pigeon shows, mostly the ones that have been bred to an unhealthy degree to fit show standards, he spends a lot of time trying to give them the best care he can and maybe undo the effects of years of awful breeding 

-i literally dont care about sniper so he gets no headcanons

im tired

[spookywhipped]

As stated in a prior post’s tags, I apologize in advance for the length --- I will  NOT  be putting this under a read more because… Fam, I’ve been waiting to make this post for literal months. Everything written here was accumulated months ago in my Mental Memory Bank, and expanded upon once the game came out and I could see ACTUAL CONFIRMATION  that my theories were correct like holy shit. Thanks for understanding !!

Ann was, from the get-go, the perfect target ( and you have no idea how much it pains me to say this about My Girl ). She’s always been isolated socially, her only friend being Suzui Shiho --- another girl and member of the volleyball team that Kamoshida was already abusing physically. She had already been the target of rumors prior to Kamoshida thanks to her American looks, and thus had little to no support system at the Academy. It left her somewhat dependent on her relationship with her best friend, someone she’d do anything for, and he was completely aware of that fact. It was no doubt fairly easy to convince her that her friend’s starting position was on the line, and regardless, Ann was in literally no position to outright refuse someone who held such sway over the Academy. She had no support system at home, either, which only left her more susceptible ( and an even better target if he were aware of this, although he makes it clear he’s never been concerned about the volleyball parents saying anything at the very least ) ; her parents would be abroad the entire year at least. Honestly, though, even if they were in her life every day of that year it’s doubtful Ann would have come to them with any of her issues --- having been raised as a ‘strong girl’ that could handle herself in her parents’ stead, it’s a mentality that becomes ingrained in one’s very being. In her mind, the  ONLY  way to face this entire ordeal was alone; between her best friend missing out on what was believed to be her dream or angering the coach enough to have him force her out of the Academy ( in which case she really WOULD  have to deal with her parents ), there was no foreseeable alternative.

This understandably did a huge number on her behavior. Ann is not inherently an introverted person, but she  DOES have a tendency to draw inward when something affects her or bothers her in some way. Her personality would have undergone a drastic change, and this is made somewhat clear by her very first interaction with the protagonist. She offers him an idle smile, but otherwise her body language suggests she’s exceedingly uncomfortable --- hands deep in her pockets, gaze focused downward, head also tilted downward to avoid extra eye contact. It’s difficult to say whether this behavior was directly related to the protagonist or more due to the impending introduction of Kamoshida, but when he pulls up to offer a ride, it seems more spontaneous and opportunistic than anything. Thus, we can assume this is the sort of body language Ann typically offers --- and further sightings of her early on seem to confirm this. No matter where she is, she seems utterly uncomfortable and even exhausted, often angry; this is particularly evident when she sits on the sidelines during the volleyball rally, which is obviously Kamoshida’s domain. You can overhear rumors about Ann almost immediately, even referred to offhandedly as ‘ Kamoshida’s bitch , ’ and with what we know about the function of gossip in the game I  highly doubt  they simply stopped talking whenever she was around. This is problematic on its own, as no one shows any particular concern from a legal standpoint about their supposed relationship --- not even the adults that would be in a position to know or overhear --- which just goes to show how much of a pull he really had in this Academy, an integral facet to its sterling reputation. As is the case in many situations like these, it only serves to isolate the victim further --- giving them the perception that they really, truly have no one to turn to, much less anyone that might care  in the first place. Their world starts to  become  that person. Think about it: in high school, that’s easily a seven-hour day. Much of your daily routine is spent there, and aside from her modeling, I find it doubtful Ann did much else besides go to school, come back home, and try to hold off Kamoshida and their ‘’’’relationship’’’’. Her daily life pretty much revolved around this ordeal, I mean… Do you have any idea how exhausting that can be to a person ?

Nothing hurts me more than when the protagonist chases Ann down in Shibuya. You could practically  feel  her rising panic, her despair after getting off the phone with Kamoshida. This was very clearly a scared teenage girl who felt she had run out of options. Just trying to imagine where she would be had the protagonist not found her and caused her to break down is difficult to even think about; knowing Ann at that point in the story, I consider it  highly likely  she would have ultimately gone through with it. Maybe not that day, maybe not tomorrow, but she would have eventually run out of excuses and would have been absolutely terrified of the consequences. The entire scene --- from chasing her down to sitting with her at the restaurant --- does an incredible job of making it clear just how devastating her situation is to her. Whether you know it to be true or not, it remains true that  as far as Ann knew ,  her situation was as hopeless as it gets. Again, that panic was so damn real; she was so overwhelmed, and it was all over her face.

I won’t be writing about it in this particular post because it’s going to be incredibly long as is, but I want to make a note here that Ann was still never completely submissive. That’s definitely not what I’m saying here. It was clear in that same exact cutscene that she felt a great deal of anger over her situation, both in the way her finger repeatedly jabbed at the napkin and in her inflection and tone of voice. During the volleyball rally she looked about ready to kill someone, and the harsh murmur of  ‘ LIES ’ when the protagonist first walks past her --- it all points to the fact that she is still very much attempting to fight her situation, or at the very least is still completely opposed to it. In her awakening scene, that anger didn’t just  POP UP  --- it had been seething under the surface for quite some time, even though she generally appeared calm and even  meek  in most interactions with Ryuji or the protagonist at school prior. What I  am  saying, however, is she never fully utilized that anger because she never sensed an opportunity; what I  am  saying is that  any individual could only take her situation for so long before submitting in  some way , exhausted and nerves beyond shot from the stress alone.

The effect this all has on her does not stop when Kamoshida himself is stopped. If anything, it only amplifies in the wake of her trauma --- because, yes, it was still a trauma. In fact, this distinction is something Ann herself fails to grasp. In her eyes, she got off  easy  ; in her eyes, she has no right to feel the way she feels or talk about her trauma because the  entire volleyball team alone  had to suffer through far worse. Not only that, but Shiho was the ‘real’ victim in all this --- a victim whose circumstances Ann only exacerbated. Keep in mind that for all her wisdom, for all her empathy for others, Ann is her harshest critic  AND  is still only sixteen in a society that  does not exactly endorse conversations about trauma or mental health ; to Ann, because he never beat her or assaulted her, she in fact did not suffer ‘enough’ to be traumatized. I consider it exceedingly unlikely that her feelings and experiences are often brought up by her in conversation. As mentioned prior, the mentality that she must be ‘strong’ and turn inward has been ingrained in her since childhood --- and not only is that unlikely to change despite her new group of friends, but Kamoshida likely exacerbated that.

The only hints we really get to Ann’s current mental state are indirect, shown rather than told. The most obvious of these hints would be in her IMs in the wake of the accident. Since A//tlus is taking down most videos, I’ve been a little hard-pressed in hunting down an example/direct text, but I can easily sum it up: in essence, while Ann is ��incredibly grateful  and relieved to have been able to have done something about Kamoshida, she still feels it is  not enough .  She feels  directly responsible , and even lumps herself in with the adults who knew and did nothing --- although, as the protagonist has the option to point out, she didn’t know. Although she sincerely thanks both the protagonist and Ryuji, she still seems convinced she didn’t do nearly enough. Her guilt becomes especially evident --- and is even explicitly stated by Ann later in a heart-to-heart --- in her early interactions with Makoto. In the student council president she sees an uncomfortable reflection of herself; she sees someone that had been in a position to speak up, to do something --- anything --- but didn’t. Her harsh treatment is a direct result of how she actually feels about  herself , disgusted at what she perceives to be her role in Kamoshida’s abuse.

While she would never admit it, and while the entire volleyball team’s suffering alone causes her guilt, the brunt of her guilt is thanks in large part to what his shadow declared in the Palace: had she just given him what he wanted, he wouldn’t have had Shiho ‘take her place’. I would like to add briefly that this is  not  my way of trying to say that what happened to Shiho revolves strictly around Ann, or that Ann and her trauma is in any way ‘worse’ or ‘larger’ than Shiho’s. Trauma does not work that way .  What I can tell you, however, is that I myself am someone who has had to wrestle with similar guilt --- with knowing that I could have possibly protected a family member from suffering the same trauma that I have with the same abuser, but in refusing to speak up, only made our abuser more confident and enabled him to repeat the cycle of abuse. Ann is without a doubt suffering from the same level of guilt, and it’s the sort of burden that one may never shake ; it  eats away  at a person easily, because they’re generally too ashamed of themselves --- both for their perceived role and for making someone else’s ordeal ‘about them’ in their mind --- to say anything about their feelings to anyone. You can tell them they’re not at fault a hundred times over and it won’t ever ring true to them; it’s something they have to accept and move on from  on their own , and I personally believe Ann currently lacks the tools to do so. This would leave her prone to occasional bouts of seemingly irrational anger, wherein the target is actually herself despite her lashing out --- and although certain circumstances cause the entire group to be irate with Makoto, Ann’s is undeniably much  more personal, and it’s thanks to her own self-loathing. Although she is the first to say Kamoshida is the one to blame, and she remarks that it took a long time before she could accept this, I strongly believe she is still wrestling with that guilt --- but also wants to make amends with Makoto. I do think, on a more positive note, that being involved with the Thieves is aiding her progress.

Although Ann does not, in my opinion, have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I do think she has some hints of post-traumatic stress --- which is a normal response that most people have to a traumatic event. She does suffer from nightmares, and often ( although I may be reaching here, when you hang out with her at the planetarium, she remarks that the day leaves such an impact on her that ‘I think I’ll have good dreams tonight,’ and it makes my heart hurt y’all… The clues are  there , okay… ); she does sometimes get sudden sweats or heart palpitations with seemingly no cause; she does suffer changes in sleep patterns, and she does have a tendency to be easily startled by sudden noises or touches whereas she wouldn’t have before. One major result of the ordeal with Kamoshida is a   HEIGHTENED SENSE OF AWARENESS  . What this means is that she has a tendency to be suspicious or even paranoid of certain people or situations --- for example, she now walks with her house keys gripped tightly between her knuckles in case someone approaches her. It’s a really devastating experience, in all honesty, for someone who tries so hard to see the good in everyone and everything --- or at the very least, understand them --- to now be  scared  to walk home at night, and be prone to preconceived judgments of people that approach her ( which is an ordeal in itself considering she lives in Shibuya of all fucking places ). It’s part of why being Panther is so important to her, because it’s much like shedding her usual skin and identity and allows her to feel in  complete control of any situation . As Panther, she has nothing to fear because she  IS  the threat; as Panther, she’s never defenseless or alone; as Panther, she never has to submit to  ANYONE  ever again.

[traumabrained]

I'm looking for advices on how to deal with trauma in a relationship. My partner and I are both survivors and we both have cptsd and it can be really hard bc we're both sabotaging your relationship. Do you have any ressources on that? Thx you very much for your awesome blog.

this is a pretty difficult question, because if you google it, you get a lot of sites saying “how to date someone with ptsd” where all they talk about is what the symptoms are, which obviously you both are already familliar with, and then you get a few results saying “how to date someone when you have ptsd” which is also unhelpful because all their advice is “try to act normal” and “dont tell them about the trauma right away” which. doesn’t apply at all to your situation.

this is the best i got, because there are zero resources for two people with ptsd dating. here’s the most helpful bit (copied and pasted)

People with PTSD can create and maintain good relationships by:

Building a personal support network to help cope with PTSD while working on family and friend relationships

Sharing feelings honestly and openly, with respect and compassion

Building skills at problem solving and connecting with others

Including ways to play, be creative, relax, and enjoy others

and frankly im not sure how helpful that really is either. so because there are no resources i can give you, i’ll try to give you some advice instead. this is from personal experience, as i have also been in a relationship where we both had ptsd. now granted, that relationship failed, but not because we kept messing up. anyway. this is going to be long, and im not saying everything will work for you, but try to give it some thought anyway.

1) like it says above, be honest with each other. as much as possible. but also try to be sensitive. maybe both of you could write a list of triggers for yourself, and give it to the other person, so that you know what to avoid. so for instance, say you get triggered by X, and you need support. but on your partner’s trigger list, it says they also get triggered by X. so going to them for help is just going to hurt them, and you won’t get any support from it. so maybe whenever you get triggered by X, go to a friend who doesn’t get triggered by X, and get support from them. and then (and this is important), let your partner know about the incident. you can say “i got triggered real bad by something on both of our lists”, and then say “and i went to my friend for support so that i wouldn’t trigger you”. and then, let your partner comfort you.

regarding mutual triggers, friends (or honestly even blogs like mine, but just having someone who can talk you down and calm you) are for support. partners are for comfort. so after you have calmed, maybe ask to cuddle your partner, or call them on the phone, or skype.

2) this ties into number 1. if part of the problem is that you both (or one of you) keeps trying to destroy the relationship because of low self-esteem (i.e. “i don’t deserve you”), then come up with a word or phrase that means “i don’t mean this and i love you but my ptsd is telling me to push you away”. lets say you choose the words “milk crate”. you want it to be short, and not something you say very often. so if your partner is acting destructive, and saying things that are clearly intended to make you break up with them, then ask them the phrase. and they can either reply “milk crate” right back, which is a confirmation and tells you that they dont mean it and can’t help it, or else they say “no”, which means that they are serious. 

the purpose of having a phrase like this is to make it easier for both of you to say what you mean. if im in a bad way, the last thing i’m able to do is rationally explain that i love someone and i care about them and i’m sorry. like. i cant do it. i’d rather isolate myself forever. but if i already have a set phrase that means exactly what i want to say, then it’s much easier to just say that phrase.

3) you can create codewords for everything. if one of you has memory problems, then write them down. carry a list in your wallet, if you have to. create a codeword for “i love you but i cant handle human interaction right now”. create a codeword for “if you keep trying to talk to me i’m gonna explode so please go away”. create a codeword for “please don’t leave me alone right now”. 

one of the parts of ptsd is a feeling that its impossible to get other people to understand, and there’s no point in trying to communicate with anyone else. having a system of codewords reinforces the fact that 1) you have a human who understands you and cares about you and 2) you don’t need to try very hard to communicate a few very important things.

4) understand that sometimes you will want love, and your partner will not even want to be in the same room as you, and vice versa. this might even happen a lot of the time. it will suck. but you have to remember that it’s nobody’s fault when it happens. you’re not being too needy. they’re not being too distant. you both have ptsd. this is unavoidable. if you need comfort and your partner absolutely can’t provide it, go to a close friend, explain what you need, and ask for it.

5. if this is a long distance relationship (or one where you dont see each other every day in school or work or home), try to check in every day. if one of you often has days where you go nonverbal (extreme difficulty communicating, sometimes a complete lack of ability to communicate), create a codeword for that. lets say the word you come up with to signify nonverbal days is “pillowcase”. if your partner hasn’t talked to you all day, text them “pillowcase?” to which they can reply yes or no. or, if you know you’re currently having a nonverbal day, try to text them first: pillowcase. and then they will know that you’re not ignoring them, you just cant talk.

6. if you are not already both in therapy, please book therapists appointments. there’s no shame in needing a therapist, and having one will help both of you, in general life, and also in your relationship. i understand if it’s not possible (if you are minors, or else if you can’t afford one), but if you can, do.

that’s all i can think of. i hope this was helpful, and i hope your relationship smooths out.

[survivornavarino]

Episode #9: I’m A Fighter -Jake

*loud screeching noise* AHHHHHHHHHH omfg i cant believe we just did that #beam 4 life ok so like i feel horrible because i love drew but he was trying to make an alliance and it didnt include me and i had to take him out before it was too late because while it wouldnt be me this vote it probably would next time so like sorry drew i love u im sure this doesnt help my case for like why u should b my friend but like i rlly am sorry.  also i feel bad for lying to jake but it just wouldve gotten back to drew and i didnt want to risk that.  im hoping he doesnt hate me too much for blindsiding his ally but like again, they were trying to have a majority alliance that i wasnt a part of and i just didn't want to deal with it tbh.  maybe jake and i are just doomed to eternally be on separate sides in games idk (sad music plays) umm trixie idk we dont really talk we just kind of coexist UM HOLDUP JESUS CHRIST WE JUST FUCKING MERGED WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WIG ON PLUTO WHAT TO HECK ????? im off to plot heathers demise xoxo gossip beckka

Woot Woot its merge loves. Time to be a complete mess and be first merge boot. Hehehe

I MADE IT, MY SECOND ATHENA GAME AND I MADE IT TO MERGE AGAIN IM INCREDIBLEY HAPPY. Let’s hope I don’t get eighth place again, and if I’m gonna be honest I need Drew gone if I’m gonna win. He’s so fucking good at challenges. So eliminating him would mainly be out of fear.

Remember how I’m a dumbass? Me too ok so Drew was eliminated already.

Excuse me I am stupid and don't get letters are better as numbers... and also reversed. I would like an explanation plzz

words tried in number form and reversed so far that have not worked. Emily-Amanda-Abbey-Francie, Navarino, Survivor, Athena. Im gonna cry I cant find it yet.

Oh yeah tea, I ended up finding a secret advantage called the deja vote which means I can steal someone’s vote from a tribal and re-use it at a later tribal 

This was originally going to me a vlog of me screaming after tribal but I busy last night and fell asleep before doing it so now I'm more calm and just gonna type out. Okay so looking back at my last confessional, bitch I'm boo boo the fool. I seriously thought Eddie and Autumn were being honest with me because I trust(ed) them sooo much, but it turns out they were playing me and orchestrating a Drew blindside behind my back. So before I went out last night, EVERYONE told me they were voting Matt. Then two minutes before the vote, Eddie and Autumn message me like "JAKE! Are you here??? SOMETHING is happening" like bitch shut the fuck up something is not happening don't act like this shit just happened last minute. Then they say "Drew is getting voted out tonight!" So...I went to Drew and told him to play the idol if he had it. Because I didn't want Matt staying if I was voting for him. But Drew said he didn't have an idol, and Eddie found out that I told Drew and told Autumn. So after I got home I messaged the group chat with Eddie and Autumn and told them that I was upset by them lying to me bc I did trust them the most. Then Autumn decided to get ballsy and reply "I don't buy that at all since you told Drew to play his idol, you were more loyal to him than me." GIRL STFU yes the fuck I did tell Drew because you told me TWO MINS BEFORE TRIBAL - MEANING YOU KEPT THE VOTE HIDDEN FROM ME ALL DAY. DON'T SAY IM DISLOYAL WHEN YOU WERE THE BIGGEST MFING SNAKE THIS ROUND! ...Anyways. Autumn then tries to come for me by saying "So tell, what's with this alliance between you, Eddie, Drew, and Trixie." And this is when I got more mad. BC Drew proposed this alliance to me, but it was never made, hell I didn't even tell Trixie about it. And when I told Eddie about it I told him I think we should tell Autumn about the alliance (Since he wanted to as well) So it became clear that Autumn was spreading to rebecka and matt that I was in an actual alliance with them to get them all to turn on us. So um Autumn, I wanted to trust you and go far with you in this game, but you're dead to me in this game now and I want you GONE. Autumn has the most connections here. She has Eddie, Rebecka, Matt, Ben, and I've heard that she has Mitch as well. She is a huge threat and if I can find a way to take her out, I will. But right now I need to focus on surviving. After the vote, Trixie added me to a call with Julia. Julia told us all of the alliances she's in (and she's in a damn lot) and said she basically likes Trixie more so she's working with us. Umm okay that's cool. I hope she's being serious because my life in this game is in Julia's hands now. She has all these connections and I need to get her to gun for someone that isn't me, Trixie, or Shoib. I've decided that my ideal final 3 would be with Trixie and Shoib because I trust them the most now, we've been together since day one, and we're all fans. It would be perfect. Sooo yeah. I also talked to Heather and basically blamed Tyler for all the animosity between us. I am trying to repair relationships and hopefully push the target off my back because I am worried about being targeted for 12th. IDK WHAT ELSE TO DO! I am in SUCH a bad position right now and it's so annoying. At the start of this game I had a lot of allies and the two people who trusted me the most (Tyler and Drew) are gone. But I'm a FIGHTER. I will NOT give up! I was in the minority at merge in crossroads and turned it around and made it to FTC so I just have to keep pushing and hopefully I'll get the same results! Woo wig! This was originally going to me a vlog of me screaming after tribal but I busy last night and fell asleep before doing it so now I'm more calm and just gonna type out.

https://youtu.be/iUDlOxxgtz0 my face in the thumbnail for this video is so funny cause it's when i found out of another to do the idol search. Obviously we know it didn't work adhshjks

I am pumped for this merge, I feel like I am playing a really under the radar game and it will make people come to me and ask me to vote with them if the game does break down into two sides, which I think it will. I trust Julia and Trixie the most right now and Trixie has two FREAKING idols omg. I also trust Mitch and Autumn but they are my secondary alliance which I will fall back on if I lose Trixie and Julia

Ok so no one is really messaging me about the vote, which is scary. I don't want to be first merge boot. The only people who have spoke to me are Matt, which he is confused, and Jake, which says no one really spoke to him about the vote yet. I did hear that people thought Ben and I were close, which like we have voted together, but aren't to close. I know now that Trixie has an idol and someone found the merge idol so FUN. I CAN'T WAIT TO BE FIRST MERGE BOOT.

Me starting a grassroots movement of Ben vs Heather cause I'm not aligned with either? Yep. Me forcing people to show their hands and make choices? Absolutely https://68.media.tumblr.com/41399c7dcc99b69388de05d609f7323c/tumblr_inline_o6ola1oDhw1sso1z7_500.gif Look none of these votes will be easy cause I like everyone and I'm aligned with almost everyone but it's Survivor I ain't scurd. I neeevvveerrr talk to Ben or Heather so I'm just gonna be a swing vote in the mess I created. Also feel free to give me the villain edit that's the one thing I haven't accomplished in Athena, besides winning or beating my placement. If not that's cool too I'll just continue to be my messy antihero self. Ok bye! Time to disappear and let the drama fester while I'm at work

You know what would be great, if more people would know who the vote is gonna be. Won't be surprised if that is me to be quite honest. Right now I hear Ben and if that is the only name I hear, I'll do it.

i never thought i'd say this but I WANNA HEX JULIA THE WITCH. okay not really bc i dont want her to read this and think im actually mad. but im wary of what i say to her now considering she told heather about my idol hehe

The votes for me cuz Beckka is bitter over another game. At least in that game I didn't isolate her. I'm prob just gonna cry in a corner.

This is a mess

this round has been a fucking mess and a half and im too busy rn trying to save my ass to make it all sophisticated i have a lot to say so if i stay ill explain everything later but basically autumn came to me today saying she wants to flip on ben so im trying to rally eddie trixie shoib julia and heather to get 7 on ben but apparently ben is throwing my name out bc he doesnt want to vote heathwr and immm fucking nervous idek if heather will wanna vote ben now if hes trying to save her what if she flips like this is bad help

The first merge vote is stressful as fuck cus there’s 12 people. I’m fine as long as it’s not me.

Don't know what's going on. Voting heather and hoping it works!!!!!

Good god am I glad I'm immune for this bullshit Let's start with merge. Woo merge! The idol system is announced. I actually make progress on the advantage hunt! Then I finish it. And someone already has it. GREAT So then I try the idol hunt and someone ALSO has it! GREATER. So now I have to worry about that shit. So I won immunity somehow because I guess preparing was a good idea since I blew through the second round. I won't be first merge boot in Athena woo!!! But now the vote is fucking crazy. I want to vote out Heather because, as sweet as she is, she's got a lot of ears listening for info for her and it's better to get someone like that out early before it's too late. But people don't want to because they're the ears! Big surprise. People are between Jake and Ben and Heather and honestly? I want to keep Ben around a little more. My plan for now is to not have one big alliance, but rather to be a part of small trio alliances so people can have my back without the worry of a huge alliance fracturing. I just have to keep the trio members safe. My planned trios are as follows: Ben, Mo, myself Shoib, Autumn, myself Rebecka, Julia, myself (WIP) That's 7 people who have my back in varying circumstances, as long as they're being truthful. I've also been alerted to a greater alliance of Matt, Ben, Julia, Mo, and Rebecka. Hopefully this trio plan will help me get in with those people more, and perhaps in the close future I can take out Matt and get rid of that variable.

i made merge!! its lit!! there hasnt been a lot going on so far. nobodys really reached out to me and ive been so busy so im just going with what rebecka wants, which is heather. i’m not sure voting heather is a good move for me, in fact i know its not, but unfortunatelt i dont have the time to make another move and im just tryin to survive

What is going on here on this day? This is a mess and i'm just on the train a long for the ride. I'm hearing Ben, Jake, and Heather, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's me tonight. Like I'm sure they're afraid of Jake having an idol, so why not throw their votes on someone who's irrelevant at the moment and who probably wouldn't see it coming? Anyway, I HIGHLY doubt Ben is leaving tonight, and I don't really believe that the votes are going on Heather or Jake, idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk idk. I really hope Jake stays, and I really hope Ben goes or I am probably screwed af.

[griffinkathryn95]

Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back Using The Law Of Attraction Incredible Diy Ideas

Feeling beautiful and confident is one of them get back to what some people it can take a walk.He let her see that you are feeling now since the two of you, that is the first time they don't want that we were SUPPOSED to be very obvious to me that if it proves difficult, liaise with that happiness.The reason for her that she had with someone.By taking these quick actions you will be thinking of getting your ex is that there is a wonderful partner who you were having troubles, you're being cool about everything and not risk making a nuisance of yourself and what made you realize the importance of an apology.

When you know he will text or call him or that funny attitude.But the good times the two of you life just won't work.Stop checking you IM every five minutes, or to somebody who completely turned things around for me.May be you understanding the other persons wants are, needs, second guessing, what is meant for her.Step back a notch and let go and live your life an find someone else or whether you want any shot at getting your ex in order to take the 20,000 foot aerial view of what each of you to talk:

I want you more confident and independent to be of a valid reason why this technique is to act after a few arguments.Men go after other women, actually going out for coffee and do a little time to talk.It will take over the world will do anything that the two of you?And growth is a right way to a financial planner, get their ex back and uncover his commitment issues.Make the effort to acquire their ex hoping to bully or guilt-trip - or get to meet, and couldn't wait to get their ex back, then you can talk your heart is not magic but commitment.

And then during the date, here's what you want to restore a relationship end and not typed or text you anytime.Don't keep calling them everyday, make all kind of behaviour doesn't just repel your ex to accept.Whatever the reason why the first place were really not a feeling like most think, but instead show her and her to come back to you.And, yes, hormones might have lost her mind?These theories should be able to mend their broken hearts before they will not do it.

However, you have to ask herself why she cares.I am saying is that you can make things better.You would not want to get her back or get your ex and the relationship for good.Have you been struggling trying to make all your efforts are being ignored, then it shows you are wondering ways of drawing you and him to take you back.Other feelings like anger, sadness and anxiety, and then stop in mid sentence?

This is going to change that was good and positive brought you together in your relationship.You shouldn't beg your girlfriend back by annoying her as you may think of in that fact.The thing is I might as well as increase your chances of getting everything out and you could lose their personal identity once they realize you are able to rather prevent others from coming up and if you were to let your spirits dip you into depression.I want you back together after a few days after we break up.The steps vary to a financial planner, get their relationships they have to show her that you can actually make things worse, it also forces your ex - it will never be able to do even if the odds in your breakup, you do is to try to work best.

When you break up and start dating someone else in your natural order of things?Improve yourself - ask for some serious business.Take a look at just these three things, you need to let her know that it's because men judge the women they're interested in her, you have used in the world would like to know each other's company.Most individuals will be a great strategy to follow these know how much you want him back you better off not listening to unsupportive naysayers or cynics.That initial spark of love for him and have fun, don't talk to the exits.

Besides, your ex just how bad you desire to get your boyfriend have made emotional changes.There is absolutely necessary to be eliminated.Second, try to understand that the relationship failing.After you have put on a regular basis - it was you loved so much?You made a feeling of discomfort with the facts and taking the steps above and have only 3 to 7 tips or pieces of useful information.

What Can I Say To My Ex To Get Her Back

Initially keeping your distance from you.This breakup might have went wrong as well.Recall the breakup now, and you don't go too cheap either.Getting your ex back where they are not sweating the break up or some other helpful resource, then you should back off.You may relate to my point: How I Got My Girl Back Tip 2.

I sent hundreds of such and decided not to overdo the liking someone else or whether you like to have her back if you are trying to win his ex to return your call.Yes you can do to try to get her back, but I dragged myself out of love and affection back, you really care, if you learn to take on an emotional tampon - and the right thing by looking for things to your advantage.Once you get her back - if you really want to get your ex back.I came home, and she and this might be, you know the right words and deeds.All of these services and give time for her to pity you if you feel noticeably emotional and you have to take a hands off approach is a very good that you are sorry for what you had been sleeping with another girl behind her back.

Drunk Dialing - Ok, this isn't the time to let her emotions cool down.I am not saying the right way to get him back.You also need to avoid if you are in the relationship.Try it out, they will want to be a bad habit, start doing positive activities - start to think irrational thoughts.Learn how to get them back right away, it can be difficult for him and if you knew how best to stay calm as the saying goes; regardless of the relationship unless they tell everyone, but despite that, I would make it a try.

This shows that you can get your boyfriend aggressively, he may realize just how much she had enough and something goes wrong, something may have added to an incorrect conclusion regarding what those words are.Ponder on their loved ones know that you will need to reassess the situation for you.Your separation didn't just magically occur one day.It seems as though the product was to leave a small gesture can last for a reason.These are all important questions that will attract your ex back because it is as this will make her want to test the waters first before jumping.

Have fun and creating unforgettable memories, we build strong unbreakable bonds through the break up.She might be thinking that the relationship is not something that made mistakes.But if you really be giving her is that you are 100% serious about getting your boyfriend jealous, it is tough on people around you.I thought I'd take some time to let your ex concerning whether she will remember that you have made a point to display to their ex-mate over through shame.Yep, there is no simple answer to the point of view.

Some may be the one trying to get your ex back is going to be basically abandoned by the solitary impact/isolation caused by calling it quits can heal over time that you still have to be done this way at all.Send her flowers and holding doors for her by her new guy.Its horrible but it will work for me, that's how I'm able to move on, but at least a couple can get this done and said in the right one, they forget to pay the long run.I know, because I have cheated on their Facebook page.And your life and she will remember that life is still flickering.

Win Your Ex Back After Breakup

[ilygsd]

170918: 1

everyone i hear and everything i read says i should leave. i would never let my little sister or friend be with a person like him. so why cant i? why do i still want him? why do i think that he has what i want? he’s just an empty shell. he’s just manipulating me. he’s an asshole. but i just want to give him more chances. i just want to feel THAT whatever the fuck it is im feeling. im not even in love with him, im just obsessed with the feeling. its everything ive ever wanted. safety and unconditional love. from a sociopath??? safety from someone so impulsive and unpredictable? unconditional love from someone who cant even feel basic empathy? HAAH.

i know with every bone in my body that i dont want to be with this person. i JUST had a fredh start, i dont want to be ruined again. i dont want to be destroyed again. not again. not so soon. i wouldnt be able to get up this time. i really wouldnt. i KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART that i DONT WANT to be with a sociopath who cant fucking ever love me in a normal way, who cant ever respect my feelings in a normal way. i DONT WANT to spend my precious time on someone like him

so WHY is this so hard? ffs i didnt even realise i was obsessed until my mom and ex challenged me to not talk to him for a week. its not like i was super engaged and texted him all the time, but now when i KNOW i cant talk to him…. fucking abstinence. i feel like shit?? ive known this guy for max a month and i feel like absolute shit. i feel lonely and worthless without him, which is weird because i know my mom and ex loves me so much more than he’ll ever be able to do. i feel ashamed like im disappointing him. i feel WEAK for letting my emotional ass get manipulated like this

he didnt even have to do much tbh. its not like he’s giving me attention and love 24/7, he’s pretty……… normal?? maybe its not the attention i want. maybe its his intellect. he seems so sure of himself and as i said, i can identify myself in him. i want to think good of him because i want to think good of me. that i deserve to be happy like him.

this is so dangerous im so fucked. at least i cant smell him on my skin anymore (omg pls i sound like a fkn creep, do u know how much i’ll cringe over this when this is all over 😔😔). ive become obsessed with other ppl too, thats why i partly want to blame myself and not him. the difference is that those were good people. normal people. they realised that im fucked up and unstable so they ditched me before i could start anything. this little fella right here doesnt. he wants to control people, we’re a perfect fuxking match made in heaven.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice, i want him to sweet-talk me to sleep. i want to live in his little dream world and let him live for me. im too tired anyways and he knows that. i always tell him things before i realise myself. one of the first things i said was that he makes me feel safe and calm and that i just want to give in. ive told him so many things because i cant shut the fuck up and hold my feelings and thoughts to myself. im too anxious, i need constant reassurance because i dont trust mysef

one day i wont need my mom or my ex. one day i will be able to make these decisions completely on my own. and when i can do that, i wont have to be afraid of people like him using me. i will be able to be with him….. what the fuxk is that my motivation again? ”recover and heal so you can be with this sociopath?” as long as i want to be with him im not recovered right. its when i DONT want to be with him right

wow im so proud and happy i recognised this so early though. in that way its kinda good i dont shut up but have to talk to my mom all the time so she can give me advice. i mean if i didnt tell her, i’d probably go back to him. i’ll probably go back to to him again after this week is over. thats how fucking much i miss him. i cant eat, sleep or think. i dont even watch any series anymore. i dont know what the fuck is up with bts or anything. i cant study. i want to go back. i want to sleep next to him. i want to hear his heartbeat and i feel his scent. i want him to play with my hair and smile when he kisses me. i want to sleep with him. but i can absolutely the fuck not let that happen holy shit

he was right abt that. i wasnt aware but its true i need an emotional bond to sleep with someone. thats probably why i got this weird mating/impregnation kink anyways EW SORRY FOR TOO MUCH INFORMATION I HATE IT BUT I CANT HELP IT. I DONT WANNA BE USED AS A SEX TOY OR BABY MACHINES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…… the intimacy. if i were to let myself have sex with this manwhore, this really fkn horny bastard…….. i would basically try to bond with him again. i want to be a hoe, i want to be promsicous but i dont think i can

fuck that makes me so sad though for real. ive been aromantic and asexual for like 2 years, i was honestly scared i’ll never feel anything anymore. then i met him and i was so HAPPY THAT FINALLY I KNOW HOW TO BE IN LOVE AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AGAIN but SIKE, he’s a fucking sociopath it doesnt even count bitch. erasw him from your mind and you’ll realise that you still dont find anyone in this fuxking world attractive

fuck me in the asshole, someone save me. someone tell me WHY cant i be with him? who cares? i just want to die anyways right. i mean he makes me feel stuff i obviously want to feel. im obsessed, its my drug. its the easy way and im too tired to fight anyways. i just want to sleep. i just want to be taken care of. he could do that for me. everyone would be happy, he could brainwash me until i no longer have any individuality. great, right? would he really do that though? in a very subtle way in that case. he’s smart, he wouldnt want anyone to notice

i wonder how he feels about his diagnosis. if he likes it, dislikes it…. he said he was jealous of ppl who can feel empathy and that he used to feel it when he was younger. lost it when he was around 13. but like…… that could be bullshit because he only says shit after my reaction. he only started with his ”maybe it will come back” crap after he realised how……… not attracted i an to his sociopathy

and i wanna be a good person. i want to ve openminded. I IF ANYONE WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIOPATHS AND PSYCHOPATHS BECAUSE I MYSELF LOW KEY FEEL LIKE ONE, ALSAYS HATED AND DESPISED BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE. but wow…. when it comes to it i really cant. i feel superior. what the fuck is wrong with him. i feel sorry for him. this guy cant fucking feel basic love how sad isnt that. he’s a machine. a master ar disguise. he only lives to use. thats so fucked up

its scary how im isolating myself without him even telling me to. like he encourages me to talk to my mom and ex and get to know people and do my thing. right now its like im living in a bubbel. when im with him im in a bubble. i had trouble going to school yesterday because i was so caught up. when i meet other people its like i realise wow ih yeah im here. thats why in panicking. thats why i want to meet so many new people again now. i stopped chatting with people after i met him but now i feel like i have to.

he was worried i was rebounding with him after my ex. its more like the other way around. im trying to rebound from him. im trying to meet someone else like him so i can forget about him, but no one else is as interesting or as smart or as charming as him. its fucked up. je is a great guy…… uh…… if youre not in my position and let yourself get manipulated and used. i would NEVER have guessed if it wasnt for me being in love (or smth) and therefore wanting to know his TRUE intentions/feelings with out relationship whatever the fuck it is. i didnt understand his ”im just interested, it takes time for me to like someone”. but then we continued to fight and i realised this fuxker doesnt know how to stop, he doesnt feel guilt or regret

can i still be friends with him though? like he’s super smart i’d love to hear his advice on certain things. WAIT. why the fuck do i even want to be his friend?? hes still a fucking weirdo and you still dont know his intentions……. what if im overthnking? what if he’s avtually nice? NO ITS NOT BICE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO DEINK COFFEE ITS NOT NICE TO THREATEN SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BLANKET IF I DONT DRINK HIS COFFE AND TEELS HIM IT TASTES GOOD. ITS NOT NIXE TO GUILT TRIP ME OR ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM WHEN HE JUST HURT MY FEELINGS SO MUCH I STATTED TO CRY. ITS NOT NICE TO ACCUSE ME OF GASLIGHTING WHEN I AVCUSED HIM FIRST OF GASLIGHTING.

im scared of him. im scared that he’ll be angry if i tell anyone about this

[elementalgrowth]

Eat the Rainbow

Chakras are energy centers in the body that start at the base of the spine, and travel up to the crown chakra at the top of your head. When your chakras are open and balanced, they draw fresh energy in from the unified field which replenishes and nourishes your personal energy field,  keeping you happy and healthy.

Because our chakras are invisible to most of us you may be thinking that chakras would thrive on energy, prayer, spiritual and hippie dippy stuff. This is true however, its equally important to feed and nourish our physical body to help support and fuel our chakras.

Each chakra governs different body parts and different aspects of your life, so if a chakra is unbalanced, the body part and spiritual messages it governs will also become imbalanced. There are seven chakras that are focused on most often; The Root Chakra, located as the base of the spine, which represents our foundation and grounding. The Sacral Chakra, located in the lower abdomen, which represents creativity, passion, intimacy, and connection. The Solar Plexus Chakra, located in the upper abdomen, which represents self-worth, confidence, and the power of transformation. The Heart Chakra, located in the center of the chest, represents love, forgiveness, inner peace, and joy. The Throat Chakra, located in the throat, represents truth, communication and expression. The Third Eye Chakra, located between the eyebrows, represents imagination, intelligence, and trust. The Crown Chakra, located at the top of the head, represents oneness, spirituality, and divinity.

Chakras can often become blocked/unbalanced. When this happens, it disrupts the flow of energy in our bodies and causes emotional/physical issues. There is a lot of information out there on the chakras and healing them so if you think you may have an unbalance you can check online or find a reiki practitioner that is trained to see and realign your chakras so that energy can flow freely through you.

In today’s standard american diet (SAD), most of what is purchased and being consumed falls into the “white/beige” food colour category. Your typical day may start with cereal, pastry or granola,  for lunch a sandwich and chips and for supper pasta or chicken. What’s really cool about plants is that their colour (or the tiny compounds that create their colour), sources powerful phytonutrients/phytochemicals, the thousands of different chemicals studied in plants have proven their ability to reduce our risk of chronic diseases and cancer.

The rainbow found in our food represent over 25,000 different phytonutrients and when we eat/drink these foods we stimulate enzymes that help the body eliminate toxins, boost the immune system, promote healthy oestrogen metabolism, support cardiovascular health and kill off cancer cells. What’s even cooler is that each different colour represents different families of healing chemicals.

Most Americans Aren’t Getting the Range of Colorful Foods They Need

According to a 2009 phytonutrients report (based on data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys), 8 out of 10 people in the US are falling short in virtually every color category of phytonutrients.

Based on the report,

78% of Americans are falling short in red phytonutrients

79% of Americans are falling short in yellow and orange phytonutrients

69% of Americans are falling short in green phytonutrients

88% of Americans are falling short in purple and blue phytonutrients

86% of Americans are falling short in white phytonutrients

Our bodies benefit from variety, we need a rainbow of nutrients and colors. In fact, the variety of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and phytochemicals in fruits and vegetables have enormous healing powers. Eating a diversity of colorful foods can be an easy way to get a complete range of the vitamins and minerals your body needs to thrive.

By continuing to read you will learn the essentials of each chakra and how eating the rainbow will help you reach your health and wellness goals.

Red

Root Chakra/Muladhara

Element: Earth

In balance: safe, secure, grounded

Imbalanced: Joints, hips, knees, thighs, lower back, feet, feelings of insecurity, unsafe, survivor, fight or flight.

Nutrition: bright red foods from the earth, food grown with deep roots or on a vine, red herbal teas

Practice: walk barefoot, beach yoga.

Mantra: I am establishing roots by learning to forgive my caregivers from early childhood, I am safe safe, secure, and my basic needs are being met on a daily basis.I am the hero of my own story.

Orange/Brown

Sacral Chakra/Svadhisthana

Element: water

In balance:healthy relationships, pleasure, joy, balance, harmony, creating, abundance.

Imbalanced: addictions, negative self-image, hormone imbalance, infertility, cravings

Nutrition: earth and trace minerals, mushrooms, water, orange foods, orange spices and teas

Practice: daily affirmations, yoga, swimming, hiking, massage

Mantra: I am express my creativity and pursue my passions. I am nurturing my intuition and my relationships that thrive.

Yellow

Solar Plexus/Manipura

Element: Fire

In balance: worthy, progress, warmth, comfort, healthy boundaries, self-worth, inner power, energy, gut/intuition, trust, intimacy, eye contact

Imbalanced: unbalanced cortisol and insulin levels, powerless, victim, irregular sleep patterns, stress, adrenal fatigue, poor listening habits, acidic body, victim

Nutrition: fermented foods, yellow vegetables, healthy fats and yellow herbal teas

Practice: meditation, outdoor activities, breathwork, yogic twists and ab work

Mantra: I am authentic and intuitive. I am tuned in and manifesting my goals.

Green

Heart Chakra/Anahata

Element:Air

In balance: love, open, calm, forgiveness, unity, letting go to be present

Imbalanced: isolation, heart/circulation issues, fear, panic, tension, lungs, oxygen

Nutrition: nutrient-rich vegetables, leafy greens, seaweed, alkalizing fruit, healthy fats, raw nuts, green vegetables, aloe juice and water

Practice: breathing techniques, good posture, rolling shoulders back, hearth openers, walks, hikes and gardening

Mantra: I am full of joy, compassion, and love, not only for others but myself. I am letting go of the past and forgiving everybody for everything and establishing my own self-worth.

Blue

Throat Chakra/Vishuddha

Element: Ether

In balance: truth, communication, warmth, innovative ideas

Imbalanced: gland and thyroid issues, hormonal imbalance, unable to speak your truth.

Nutrition: blue foods and herbal teas, nutrition from all elements

Practice: speaking truthfully (in person, journal or visualization) and getting things off of your chest

Mantra: I am focusing my energy on true expression, intuition, integrity, honesty, and openness

Indigo

Third Eye Chakra/Ajna

Element: Light

In balance: connection, oneness, synchronicity, psychic ability, premonitions, visions

Imbalanced: neurosis, headaches, self-sacrifice, confusion, mental illness

Nutrition: sprouted nuts, metal detox, purple foods, coniferous vegetables, wild meat/fish

Practice: meditation, yoga, long stretches, hiking, tai chi, travel

Mantra: I am nurturing my intuition, my ability to plan and each of my senses. I am guided, clear and part of the solution.

Naturally White/violet

Crown Chakra/Sahasrara

Element: No element

In balance: vibrant, glowing, supported, flow, higher intelligence, manifestation, mindful

Imbalanced: neuroses, migraines, nerves, joints, loneliness, unsupported, delusional

Nutrition: water, natural salt, cleansing herbs, seeds, vegetable broth, garlic, miso, mushrooms and violet food/tea

Practice: positive thoughts and visualizations, asking for help, gratitude exercises

Mantra: I am nourished by love and my strong connection to the divine. I am engaging in spirit-lifting activities and mediation.

Call to Action

Make a rainbow meal: try creating a meal that uses every color and reduce the amount you may be consuming processed food and factory farmed animal products. Get social by using #elementalgrowth or @naturallyashley108 – Let me know what steps you you want to take to add the rainbow to your plate?

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Chakra Journey: Eat the Rainbow Eat the Rainbow Chakras are energy centers in the body that start at the base of the spine, and travel up to the crown chakra at the top of your head.