#im a creature

[vitasomething]

thoughts and rambles on fursonas, sexuality, my "politicalness", identity and just who, how and what i am in general.

firstly i rlly dont expect ANYONE to EVER read this WHOLE thingg, i rlly rlly just need to ramble and get things of my chest awawawa my friend @hifi-walkman finds it rlly interesting how my current fursona i use tha most (her names are pix, pixie, pixel, and port. pixie cuz it reminds of night, stars, and sounds silly. pixel cuz puter stuff is pawesome, and port cuz its also a computery name, plus the Playstation portable/psp exists and i get called a ps vita all the time and the psp is like a smaller ps vita and shes like smaller part of me :3) is asexual, even tho like myself irl the lowest common demonminoator is like bi with a strong preference for guys (its a lot more complex than that i cant explain it thooo)

i had a suuper long and thoughtful discussion abt it w/ them, they like know ALOT abt ace identity and are very thoughtful and introspective, its genuinely wonderful having conversations with them.

they helped me figure out that like the part of my identiy that is pixie, that im personifying with my fursona, that part of me is actually ace. like i AM on the ace spectrum.

they explained to me like essentially that im aceflux or something, cuz that word means i view this part of myself as very incompatible w/ sexuality. (which is very true) like pixie isnt a sexual being AT ALL to me and she is ltierally a part of me, the *part* of me that she represents *is* ace.

funnily enough even tho pix is kinda the silly little creature dum dum side of me, she also very much is the super thoughtful, deep and philosophical part of me.

like you'd expect shed be the one doing the slogans and chants and being the one who does the action instead of the thinking, cuz shes very much a little bit stupid and slow (cuz my brain is VERY stupid and sloooowwwww as hell and oblivious sometimes) but actually shes the part of me whos like very engaged in anarchist theory and in general the history and theory of leftist philosophies and ideologies!!

she also is a bunch of very deep character traits of mine which u could describe as flaws. she is my forgetfulness, clumsyness, obliviousness, shes my social cluelessness, and two very important ones is that she is my rambliness and my habit to deeply overthink alot of things in very complex ways (literally what im doing right noww blahhh awawawa), and she is the interplay between all those things, and she also is how these things interact with other parts of me.

for example, when i send someone a huuuuuggee complex message that keeps going on and on and ooonnn where i psychoanalyze another person and justify (mostly to myself) why i think they're a bad person and why i dont like them, that is a very pix thing to do, that is what she represents. or a huge 2000 character ramble abt religion and why i think it exists and how im not religious but if i were id be a strong believer in taoism (not hippie taoism or the weird medieval semen retention taoism thoo). (holy shitttt, see im doing it again!! i ramble way too fucking much!! awawawawawaa).

like a different friend of mine who i love literally told me once abt how im very difficult to have a conversation with sometimes because i often send huge text walls and are veeerrryyy bad at changing topics and like taking hints that arent super explicit, and how i come across kinda mean sometimes because reading the tone from some of my messages is very diffulct and i often use the wrong words and phrases than what i rlly mean, often things that have waaay stronger or very opposite meanings. like one time i described my relationship to a person as "troubled", when i rlly meant "i rlly rlly like them alot, but im not sure if romantically or not"

all those things are like a interplay of my ramblyness, my overthinking, my pacickyness and also my social cluelessness.

i also independantly went on similar huge rambles abt how much i dislike hippies, how much i dislike fujoshis, how much i despise the missuse of the word "breakcore" and the whole genre of sad anime girl EDM created by [PURPLE SEWER WOMAN WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED] and the endless army of her clones, and also how much i dislike tankies or marxist leninists or whatever they wanna call themselves. i even literally currently have a HUGE post in my drafts abt just how odd online discussions around the morality of incest are which i will prolly NEVER post.

often times i intectualized my dislike of things too such a strong degree, mostly just to validate myself than to explain anything.

and like, i do have valid intelectual reasons to dislike these things.

like i think hippies are weird individualist cosplayers. i think fujoshi culture is fetishistic and homophobic. i think tankies have very very very terrible politics for so many reasons. but the way i validate and intelectualize it to myself just goes on and on and on and on and ooonnn, and its like soo much judgement abt *them* and so much less abt *their beliefs*, often it is just a way for me to justify disliking someone for their beliefs to myself.

"they believe a thing, and i believe that is a wrong thing to believe for x y reason, therefore i dont like them", is not enough to myself. like i have to find a character flaw to have my dislike feel valid, and alot of if not most of the time that character flaw will just be hypocrisy. because thats something i can tie their beliefs too while also being something seperate than the beliefs themselves.

uhhh, to go back to what i was originally trying to say. these all things, they're all a part of me, like i think of them as flaws but they are a part of me. and that part of me is pix. she is all of these things, but shes also creative, silly, thoughtful, a tinkerer, a artist, positive, introspective, goofy, friendly and fun. shes the me that loves linux and programming and nerdy things and aaaa!! and her counterpart .that works against (but also sometimes with) alot of the flaws that pix represents, is nix

(zeir name is a reference to the nix package manager, but also cuz nyx/nix is the greek goddess of the night. also it rhymes w/ pix tehehe. zey use zey/zem neopronouns mostly. imagine they/them but with a thick south-german accent :3)

zey are a rlly punk and big epic fruitbat fursona, and zey represent things like a very different part of my sexuality.

(specifically like crass or kinky parts of me, also the easiest way i can describe zem is as a bisexual lesbian, even tho like the whole me has way more of a prefrence for guyss, i dunno its very very difficult to describe my sexual identity.)

also zey are things like tendenciy to do snap-judgements of ppl, my habit of sometimes doing very simplistic comparisons. zey are also alot more argumentative and assertive, and zey believe strongly in standing zeir ground. however both nix AND pix also are an aversion to conflict.

Pixie usually runs away from any conflict, whereas nix shuts down the conversation when zey believe themselves to be in the right as any heated argument that isnt a personal conversation wont rlly get any far with convincing anybody.

but at the same time zey are the part of me that falls for ragebait, like the part of me that often gets this feeling of "rightous rage" when theres something i intensely disagree with that fuels me to want to have a rant abt it.

like zey are both my negative reaction to things i despise, but also another behaviour of mine that is a different reaction to these things.

because, rlly this is all negative, but what zey rlly represent is alot of my deep core values, which guide how i am as a person.

zey are the part of me that has this very simplistic but very deep cutting hope and love for humanity that i cant get out of me, no matter how nihilistic i try to be. zey are my will to do the right thing and follow my principles. zey are the reason i nearly jumped after our dog to save her when she almost fell from a bridge into a river. zey are the reason im on my way to work in animal care. zey are like, the manifestation of my raw fuckibg antifascism, of how i deeply and inherintly despise capitalism and the state and why i believe any hierarchical power is inherintly opressive and evil. zey are like the type of me that goes "hey fuck u, refusing to use someones pronouns by just calling them by they/them instead is also misgendering and fucking transphobic"

essentially zey are my core values, specifically zey are the rawness and simpleness of my core values. but zey also represent a difficulity with nuance, my desire to have a simple easy thing that i can describe the word with. zey also are my argumentativeness and how conflicts arise when i believe something is in contradiction with my core values. zey are my belief that every human is worthy of love and a happy life, but also my desire to label ppl as either bad or good. and zey're like the conflicts between all of these parts of me. basically zey're like my "politicalness", but also the reasons for my "politicalness", and zeyre also crass and loudly and openly themselves, and everyone whos not okay w/ that can go fuck themselves. zeyre like kinda the conflict and tension in my brain of my beliefs and thoughts and also the society and the world at large being everchanging and fluid, and the desire to kinda have a single way these things are is that isnt just a complex uncomprehendable chaos of systems..

nix is still very much more of a concept to me than pixie, like ive only drawn zem a few times..

plus port is just so many parts of me that make me happy and make me feel like myself when i represent myself online with her. shes just so pawesome and silly. even my obliviousness and forgetfulness and clumsyness that she represents im so proud of if im being honest.

maybe in the future i'll be different, maybe i'll think its more important to highlifgt the part of me that is nix, to represent and see myself through zem more.

i havent even mentioned how me being a cat therian plays into this all. or my neurodivergency. (honestly i feel like my neurodivergency is a biiieeeg part of thiss).. also like my extremely complex feelings towards my own gender, or my deep trauma that left me dissasociated and depersonalized for the majority of my childhood, that i rlly dont wanna get into honestly.

i dont knowwww blaah-

if anything ive kinda realized that i will NEVER, even w/ infinite time, be able to put into words who and what and how i am and exist in this world. i can make personifications that are "low resolution" parts of me, but i cannot ever express *me* fully-

also this doesnt even take into account the deep effect living under capitalism has on how ppl view and identify themselves and express that identity

i dont consider myself a system, like i do strongy believe there is a whole *me*, like i dont think of myself in seperate fragments which are all simultaneously fully me.

i feel more like the whole me is just so big and complex and intangible, and my fursonas and how i personify and separate sometimes seemingly incompatible parts of me are just tools to help me express and understand myself. theyre more like magnifying glasses a specific section of the big whole *me* more apparent.

blehhhh, awawawawawaaaa

i dont blame ANYBODY for like not reading ANY of this. honestly im writing this for myself more than anything rlly asdfgh

im am gay, im am the worlds silliest little creature, im a dumb friggin furry!! i'm pixie, i'm pix, i'm pixel, i'm port, i'm nix, i'm vita, and most importantly I AM SOMETHING!!! when i refer to myself, im referring to something.

im not a empty void of attributes, i am something!! otherwise i couldnt be reffering to myself right now!! thas what the something in my username is abt, thats WHY im vitasomething!!

i may not ever know fully what that something that i am is, its like a jungle that goes on forever and has soooo many fun things to learn and understand abt it, more than we could ever know. but i LIVE to explore this jungle!! i LIVE to understand it!! i LIVE to categorize every single bug, map out every single waterstream, identify every single tree!! its FUN!!

mreow :3

[irbcallmefynn]

I have no thoughts tonight my head is just creature rn. creature brain. i should be treated as such

[marioguy28]

That's it (extends limbs)

[r0tt1ng-cl0wnz]

I got those headphones with elf ears on 'em today because my friend put it in a shared pintrest board and I HAD to get it.

Today has been a big,,, ear n tail shift day. These elf ears make me feel slay :o)))

[kittygirlpaw]

Hey cutes and moots, coming at u LIVE right now accelerating to an impossible speed and red shifting to tell u meowmow MOW ruff mrow bowwow mewmreow BARK BARK BARK--

[candycane969]

Im really happy knowing there are more bisexuals with complicated gender identitys

as a bisexual with a complicated gender identity, i just think that's so sexy and intellectual of me actually. if you are also a bisexual with a complicated gender identity just know we should be sharing a nomination for a nobel prize rn.

[monstermonger]

The Ruins of Eden

[laur-rants]

I love when my borzoi does the thing

[cuttle-creatures]

Compilation of tonight's fun.

[4thestars-sun-n-moon]

Moon sensing stars heart beat when they first met,and assuming it's fear: scared?

Star, horribly attracted: oh Jesus fucking Christ why are you hot

[magentasnail]

haven't drawn the little creature in a while, but this sound was stuck in my head so I had to

[time-woods]

guy doesnt know what pins n needles are

( part1-2/? ?)

(start) (<next part>)

[vmkhoneyy]

“People are inherently terrible” no!!! Have you ever seen a child wait for their friend while they tie their shoelaces? Have you ever known someone who would bring hurt squirrels and rabbits and mice to the nearest vet just so it doesn’t suffer? Have you seen someone grieve? Have you ever read something that hit your heart like a freight train? Have you looked at the stars and felt an unexplainable joy? Have you ever baked bread? Have you shared a meal with a friend? Have you not seen it? All the love? All the good? I know it’s hard to see sometimes, I know there’s pain everywhere. But look, there’s a child helping another up after a hard fall. Look, there’s someone giving their umbrella to a stranger. Look, there’s someone admiring the spring flowers. Look, there’s good, there’s good, there’s good. Look!!!!

[fury161]

my friends

[panthermouthh]

“Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust?”