#ill think hey im kinda lonely

[legaylity]

Bad news I'm considering getting a dating app. Time to go hang out with my parents for a weekend so I swear off other people for another month!

[skyeateyourdonuts]

dangerrrrrr

[askuemki]

cuz im kinda bored and sick ill torture myself with writing a fic (also happy late easter)

The Other Way Around

Valeria x fem!reader

Usually she takes care of you, but shit hit the floor when she got her period. In the past, it's been manageable enough. No clue what changed exactly... (womp womp)

General warnings/info idk 888 words 2nd person Pronouns Fluff(?) Blood (sort of) & google translated spanish

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You just came back from shopping in the small farmers market in Las Alamas. Despite all of the crimes and spilled blood, it's been standing strong—something you appreciate. The door swayed open, to what you expected to be a sleepy home.

Moaning howled from upstairs.

Your brows creased, staring at the small hole leading into what could lead into a hell of a situation. It had been just you and a few soldiers residing in the home. Your lover had been a workhorse for the past month or two now. A thunderous wail fractured your line of thought. Maybe the quiet wasn't so lonely after all.

Strolling over to the kitchen, you were sensible enough to put refrigerated items away. The rest of the clutter can flump on the counter. Now, time to deal with whatever sex-crazed soldier was upstairs. Your thundering steps sung a chorus with the groans, turning from hall to hall. At the door, your hand launched for the knob. It hurled open, bashing into something. A figure stumbled, flinging back like a stick in the dirt. There was an odd absence of a counterpart...

The counterpart was you, dumbass!

A frown contorted your face as you reached out to your spouse. "...Valeria? God, I'm so, so sorry..." You uttered her name as if she were holy. (It's partly true, for you at least.) Her softened gaze flickered to you when your hands stroke her frizzled hair. "I'm fine, Cariño," she wheezed. Valeria was perched over the sink, clutching her abdomen. Her mewls in anguish disrupted your thoughts...Fuck! Your partner was better at this then you were, the whole contingence thing.

"Please don't play stupid with me..."

" I'm fine, really—I just need some time."

Your head shook at Valeria's languish. Drawing the cabinet open beneath the both of you, scavenging for some pads, pain medication, and some lotion. Valeria slumped onto the toilet, bunching her torso downwards. Before fetching some other necessities, you shrunk onto your knees, in front of Valeria. "Hey..." you lured her hair away from her face, before your hands lowered to her cheeks.

"Think you can take the Ibuprofen before I come back?"

She lowly nodded as you set the medication near her, loosening the lid enough for easy access. Sure, there were other things to get, but you can't help to dote on her a little. Rubbing her lower back, your lips pressed into her neck. A mumbling sigh swept from Valeria's lips into your shoulder. One of your hands slid from her back, and to her abdomen. It was a bit harder to tug your digits in, but Valeria shifted enough to help you. For a while, it was like this, your palm on her thigh, knuckles massaging her stomach.

"Consigue lo que necesitas, amor." (Get what you need, Love.)

"But I don't want to leave you alone," you grumbled as an excuse, your lips were on her collarbone, taking in the smooth bumps she blessed you with.

"I can see that, esposa. It's OK, I'm strong enough to handle this."

"... But I miss you."

You feel the hesitance as Valeria tugged you away. She strained to reach the medication, taking the pills. You saw her head nudging towards the doorway as you heaved upwards. A nod in return, you begrudgingly dragged yourself out. You return with a heating pad, some hand towels... "I need some shorts..."

An understanding nod, you fetched some clothes, and one of the paper grocery bags from the kitchen.

"Some water, please." And some water...

"Some blankets?" And some blankets... You were panting after sprinting back and forward, seeing your lover had moved from the bathroom; she was lenient enough to put back most of the things you got... Except the bloody underwear and shorts. A grumble huffed from your lips, washing the garments. Your hands grew sore, bloodied and dry, kneading the fabrics within themselves. Hanging them up on a rack, your legs ached with sleep. Now hauling yourself to your shared bedroom, your gaze flickered to your wife. She was sprawled out in bed, a damp towel laying on her head. The heating pad you gave her was set on her stomach, as well as her nightstand littered with some bottles of water and medication. You never ended up using the lotion for Valeria, but that was fine. Her eyes were closed, entangled in the sheets. Your cheeks swelled with warmth; a smile teased your lips. Strolling to the bed, you sat on the plush comforter. "You don't need that much medication," you faintly advised, busying your hands by rubbing her calves. "Hmph... I'm lazy to put it back." You heard a light chuckle whisk towards you, Valeria's legs wrapped you in a clutch, tugging you towards her. Careful not to sweep off what Valeria had on her in the moment, you laid on your side. Luckily you weren't in her leg-clutch for too long; it would have been awkward enough. You were held close instead, a thought igniting in your head. She was home, finally home! You were back in your lover's arms—maybe it should be the other way around—but relief sprout like fireworks. You were free to continue to dote on her, but sleep drew near. Your lids weighed you down, nuzzling into her side. "Bonita...Mind making dinner?"

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Pet Name Translations:

Cariño - My dear Esposa - Wife Bonita - Pretty

[oatflatwhite]

Absolutely feel free to not answer but I was wondering how you grew more comfortable being aro/ace? I’m 22 and ace (maybe aro too idk) and I recently ended an on again off again relationship and I am questioning if I ever felt anything towards him in the first place. Im kinda scared bc I love romance but idk if I’ll ever experience it? I wish I was as secure as you seem to be. Thank u in advance 🙂

hey anon :) thank you for reaching out! it's a really hard feeling to come to grips with so i hope i can help in at least a small way.

id'ing as aroace has been quite the journey for me. i've known i was ace for the longest time, but there was a period of several years where i denied even that (thanks 2016 tumblr discourse). eventually i realised that certain feelings would just never happen to me and that was ok - because i could still have romance, right? well!

i think it was around 2021 i kind of thought hold on. i've lived 23 years on this goddamn earth and don't think i've ever had a real romantic feeling/urge for someone who wasn't a fictional character/someone i didn't "force" myself to like because everyone in high school has crushes, right? so i thought about it and just went oh. oh! and it almost felt as though a weight came off my shoulders. like, yes, i was fucking bummed to realise i would probably never fall in storybook love. but there was this sense of a burden i could unshoulder because suddenly i wasn't beholden to the need to find that love, you know? i could just. be me. and even though it might make me sad sometimes, it's enough.

since then i've been up and down about it, absolutely. i even had a brief period last year where i convinced myself i actually did like this guy in real life! through a comedy of errors i realised that romance in my head was fine but any kind of real life interaction in that vein made me sick to my stomach fr lol. (for real! he had to drive me home in my own goddamn car bc i felt so ill.) i still get upset about it sometimes too. i mean, all i write is romance. i read and watch a lot of romance too. romance is every fucking where and it is so ingrained to be a part of everyone's lives that to try and distance yourself from it in order to feel more comfortable not feeling it is. virtually impossible.

where i am right now, 26 years old, 10 years into my ace journey and about 3 into my aro one, is here: i like my life. i love my friends. i can't force myself into a feeling that i will never have. and maybe at times i will be lonely and sad about it, but building a community has helped so much. whether that's with other aro/ace people, or just your friends or family or anyone else you trust with this. because romantic love =/= personal fulfilment, happiness, success. we've just been told it does. it just takes work to make yourself believe otherwise.

and it's ok to be sad about it. but even if you feel lonely, you're not alone.

also, because i'm nothing if not a girl who loves a bibliography, i would recommend checking out these sources:

loveless by alice oseman

ace: what asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex by angela chen

this essay by k.a. cook

and pinging a couple blogs with some good aro resources, though i'm sure there's more out there! @aroworlds @arowitharrows

[zhongrin]

OKAY so,, this is sorta kinda a little thing I thought of after Fontaine's whole quest and having experienced Neuvillette SLOWLY.

Like I said, the Iudex is a man of lonesome, mysterious and yet attractive allure. So it's inevitable to find your gaze quickly catching onto the form drenched in the pouring rain outside- no doubt just the bad weather that's been tormenting Fontaine every now and then after Furina's descent as the God of Hydro. Perhaps it was due to the mourning the loss of a God, though you know not of the forces behind the rain.

In any case, the form of the man glowed but not particularly in an alienlike way, no. Instead, it was due to the man's white hair that stood out in the grey atmosphere... and also the fact that he was wearing formal attire out in the heavy storm. You noticed many passerbys - Melusines and people - simply turned a blind eye to this strange phenomenon.

Hey, haven't you heard of this same scenario from Wriothesley?

The chill of the rain snuck up onto you, so without pondering for much longer, you rushed out with another umbrella, hoping to shield Fontaine's Chief of Justice from the unforgiving torrent. He was pleasantly surprised, you think, judging from the raise of his brows and the refocusing of his pupils, but who were you to decipher each and every twitch of his facial expressions?

"Monsieur, it would be bad if our one and only judge were to fall ill in this rain," you said, softly, kindly- you wondered if your voice was a lot louder than the crying of the skies, for the injustice that you did not know yourself. "Please accept this umbrella. If not for yourself, then for the Melusines that handed me this. They worry for you much like the staff in the Palais."

At first, you thought that the revered judge of Fontaine had turned to stone, or something like that. His eyes fell to your hands - if they were trembling from either the cold or just the nerves from speaking to him, he couldn't tell. But you were only human, unable to withstand the freezing temperature from both the rain that stuck to your clothes and the heat loss that comes from the adrenaline. For that, he removed the thoughts that were unnecessary - it is because you are human that you care for another, even if he was immune to the cold, and bowed his head wordlessly, politely so.

"Thank you," apologetic, his words voiced. For being the reason that you had to brave the storm just to save him from his troubles that rained down and weighed his clothes. Yet it is the very same downpour that soothed his being, bringing him back to his element. His eyes tracked back to your face as he retrieved the opened umbrella from you, as if searching for an answer that satisfied a lonely part of him.

Flustered, for what you didn't know, you smiled crookedly. "Monsieur, if you'd like to stay out for a little longer... If that's what you want, don't let me stop you." And perhaps that was the first time he heard that, because he reacted as if it was the first time it was said in his company. You continued, "the rain washes away my worries, even though my concerns are trivial and minor compared to those of higher ranks. Perhaps all you need is something- someone out there to carry your burdens for you. Y'know, let every droplet take your burdens away and cleanse your mind."

He needed no more convincing, and so stay in the rain a little longer, he did.

SCREAMING CRYING YELLING IM TOTALLY SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS IM NOT SIMPING AT ALL IM NOT ENDEARED IM SO NORMAL

es why are you giving me a five-course meal out of the blue like this what do i do with this where do i pay i don't deserve this masterpiece haugsdlfjlajsdulalskd AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[nerves-nebula]

ouhghhh rant about somethin that's annoying me that then kinda spirals at the end

my roommate will describe things about her friends and i'm like how do you stand these people. apparently they "have fun" and have "mutual interests" but that's not good enough for me.

"he doesn't believe subconscious bias exists so he thinks he's always being objective" insufferable

"he can't conceive of a situation where his feelings are hurt and no one is to blame. someone always has to be in the wrong" insufferable

"he seems to come from a culture where just deciding to hate things is celebrated so his opinions don't sound like his own they sound like he's performing for a larger culture war or something" insufferable

it's like. damn that's wild. hey are any of your friends cool and genuine or are you fighting an uphill battle to fix all of them. there's only one i like so far.

i know my standards for friendship are way too high which is why i'm lonely, and i also know I'm completely incapable of being friends with a lot of mentally ill people because if you're a bitch to me I'm dropping you unless you apologize like, within the week, and even then It's gonna take a long time for me to trust you again- if ever.

like i believe these people deserve friends and relationships but i wish i was nowhere near them because i hate hearing about all the awful shit they put my roommate through.

and it's like. in some ways this is bad for me. i know im being inflexible, and i know it fosters a fear in me that i am just as disposable to others as they can be to me, but i also don't ever want to be stuck in a situation where i'm on the receiving end of someone's cruel rant caused by a breakdown.

i know loving means opening yourself up and being vulnerable but there's a certain kind of pointless cruelty that I'm not willing to put up with.

i would do anything for my close friends, and i hope that makes up for the fact that most people (some of which might be fine) won't ever make it to that level of closeness.

[violetwitch12087]

You and cooper hang out his mom crashes yall go to the hospital and cooper gets yelled at for drinking beer but its a misunderstanding and turns out you and cooper have gone through a lot

You're Lonely

Me and cooper decided to hang out today at my house and hes been at my house literally never so he was a little stoked a bit but it all turned okay

Me and him are on my bed with his arm wrapped around me drinking a couple beers talking a bit and making out occasionally i love his soft lips pressed up on mine making me smile it just fills my stomach with butterflies

After me and cooper talk a bit i lean in about to kiss his soft plump lips i love so much when his phone rings and i pause before sighing "sucks" cooper says before answering the call "shello" he says making me smile a bit but it quickly drops after i realize something is wrong

He hangs up the call after thanking his friend and turns to me "i gotta go" he says and i look confused "are you okay? What happened" i say grabbing his hand gently "my uh mom just got in a crash shes in the hospital" he says and my eyes go a bit wide "come on ill get my brother to drive us" i say quickly standing up throwing on a sweater since the outfit im wearing is kinda a surprise for cooper yk? Not too revealing but it sure did catch his breath

I run upstairs to my brothers room "hey me and cooper need you to drive us to the hospital something happened with his mom" i say and his eyes dart at me before he nods okay acting weird

We go downstairs and i grab cooper and we start walking outside before my brother pauses causing me and cooper to stop in our tracks "Look I'm really messed up right now I wasn't expecting a big emergency and it's kinda freaking me out" he says and i roll my eyes "okay he cant drive i wanna go to the hospital not TO the hospital" cooper says "fine ill drive give me the keys" i say grabbing the keys "you sure?" Cooper asks and i nod "yeah i have been taking care of him since i was like 12" i say "damn y/n whats the big deal" my brother says "im tired, so tired" i say getting into the car and cooper literally crawls on top of the car to get to the other side so i had to hold back my laugh a bit

Its late and im driving down the road when someone honks at me making me more nervous "you did say you know how to drive right?" Cooper asks "shh im concentrating okay?" i say "sorry" cooper says making me feel a little bad and i sigh "its okay" i say softly and he sighs leaning back into the seat "your moms gonna be okay" i say "ive had like a sixth sense thing ever since the happy pills" i say looking over at him a bit him smiling "im not lying" i laugh "no i believe you" he says smiling

"You know im actually glad we didnt get Mongolian tonight" cooper says referring to when i pulled out the weed and initially ditched it "yeah, yeah me too" i say nodding my head focusing on the road i turn my head to look at cooper whos already looking at me with his pretty brown eyes making my stomach turn before he looks away back at the road causing me to look back at the road

Me and cooper arrive at the hospital and i have a bad feeling about me leaving so i go with cooper inside and i stay outside of his moms room and just kind wander around as cooper goes and talks with his mom after a moment i think i was just tripping when i hear cooper and his dad arguing

"How many?" Coopers dad jackson asks cooper holding coopers arm tightly "what" cooper asks "how many did you have" jackson says "what what arw you talking about"cooper says "cooper i can smell the beer" jackson says making cooper realize "like 2 but they werent that good so-" cooper says but gets cut off "where?" Jackson asks and cooper sighs "y/ns house but her parents are okay with it and-" cooper says "her parents are okay with it?!" Jackson says his voice a little high

"Did you have any intention to show up to ur moms party today or were you gonna stay at y/ns at drink beer all day?" Jackson says "just chill out a little bit" cooper says in a feeling i can describe but ive felt before "chill out?! Do you have any idea what ur mothers been through today?" Jackson says and cooper sighs "whats going through your head coop" jackson asks cooper "do you have any idea what i didnt do?" Cooper asks looking up at his dad "thats it thats what you got?" Jackson says and cooper nods "yeah" he says softly and kinda snarky "you're gonna tell me everything you didnt do? Good you didnt smoke any crack or beat up any homeless people coop bravo im proud of you" jackson says clapping his hands loudly

"I knew you'd understand" cooper says in disbelief before hes about to start walking away down the hallway where i am "and there you go walking away when things get tough" jackson says pointing at cooper and cooper turns around "and there you are not coming after me" cooper says before he turns around and walks down the hallway and turns the corner to see me and i look at him sympathetically before i grab his hand softly and we walk out of the hospital and to the car

We get in and i start driving again back to my house i grab coopers hand softly again making sure i dont crash the car i know hes hurt he just does a hell of a job not showing it sometimes but if he was ever hurt and i saw him i would know cause thats how much i love him

Me and cooper walk into the kitchen and i grab some empty beer cans throwing them into the sink before leaning against the counter looking at cooper whos faced away from me "hey, you okay?" I ask softly and genuine "i just walked away from my mom whos in the hospital after losing her baby i dont know if okay is the right word to describe me" cooper says turning around to look at me when we hear banging and yelling upstairs i sigh "whats he doing?" Cooper asks referring to my brother looking really cute in the moment "hes totally messed up gonna make himself go to bed" i say "sure he had social opportunities on a friday night" cooper says

"Just coveted to think time" cooper says "please hes a mentally stunted bag of crap i can drag behind me" i say scoffing a bit before we hear a loud bang and silence "nighty night dumbass" i breathe out harshly after a moment cooper speaks "you're lonely" cooper states and i scoff softly "is that why im a slut?" I ask "i didnt said that" cooper says before he pauses "i should go" he says and i nod hopping off the counter "yeah you should ill take you" i say "i wanna go with you" i add softly looking away from cooper "because you're lonely?" Cooper asks

I nod softly kinda "what if i am" i ask and he thinks for a moment before walking over to me and he wraps his arms around me making me do the same my hand rubbing his back slightly "woah" i say "woah" cooper copies "this doesnt suck" i say "nah" he says softly and i sink more into the hug putting my face in the crook of his neck giving his neck a quick kiss softly his warm body making me feel like i actually matter for once

After a while we finally pull away and i smile softly at him before i grab his hand and we walk over to the couch i sit down making him sit down next to me and i cuddle up to him a bit after a while we hear a knock on my front door i open it and see coopers dad "is my son cooper here?" He asks and i nod before cooper comes into frame

"I am so sorry" jackson says as he pulls cooper into a hug "i need you at home with me okay coop?" Jackson says "yeah, yeah man" cooper says pulling away from the hug and turning to me "are uh, are you gonna be okay?" Cooper asks and i nod softly but i know i wont be "yeah" i say lying but cooper stays looking at me almost pleading or unsure what to do "would you like to come home with us?" Jackson asks "yeah" i say softly nodding at jackson "I'd like that" i say

"Nice" cooper says to his dad "really?" Jackson says "yeah" cooper says softly before his dad walks out the door as coopers about to walk out to follow his dad i grab him gently "hey, you have no idea how lucky you are cooper" i say looking up at him "dont forget that" i say and he looks up from me and we walk outside to the car and coopers dad drives us to his house

We get to coopers house and make sundaes just having fun for the reat of the night i love cooper so much more than i will know...

********************

This episode was pretty sad tbh but anyways im bored kinda high and idk i need money and im bored sooo yeahhh anyways i love you *mwah mwah mwah* bye my love

[canneddolts]

hello

i need to talk abt my stupid playlist

ignore that its youtube i dont like spotify. its songs that remind me of the half lifers so not really a character playlist but i have Reasons that id like to expadn on (under the cut its so long)

goinog from bottom to top oldest to newest (ill probably edit this later on..muhahaha) (PS every barney here is blue shift exclusive idk a thing abt hl2 guy...)

more than a feeling: i found my first ever boston song on guitar hero arcade and i feel like gordon would be rly into guitar hero. this is repeated many times. also it j reminds me of them

dont you forget abt me: ok im starting to kinda hate this song but it was the original them song too......i forgot why (it was also in one of my gmods i think)

take a chance on me: i posted this stupid barney image to this song & it stuck so much also PLEASE banrey JUST ONE CHANCE GIVE M

ok next 3 (true & the sun always shines on tv & i want to know what love is) theyre all just them songs too.....i posted them to those songs too when i was Just Getting Into Halflifing and idk

OH ALSO ALSO the sun shines on tv reminds me of the truman show & i saw a lot of parallels btwn him and gordons whole Thing so therefore. gordon song. ALSO I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UUUGHGHHHHH its so pretty and so good and such a good story and AARGH

mud on the tires: dont look at m

italian medley: I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!????!?

cant fight this feeling: i heard it on the radio during driving lessons while i was at the Point where everything reminded me of barney. so..i could do some deep analysis (same w half this playlist but i feel silly doing so)

bulls on parade: bwaowo ptch waowao THE MICROPHONE EXPLODE (i had a video idea w gordon) (ALSO another guitar hero song for mr freeman)

owner of a lonely heart: they are losers

call me: guh. i like this song

ogrodu serce: again.....i heard it on the radio in my barney stage. i also hc'd him with a super thick southern polish accent for a while (?) i was gonna put oczy zielone bc Ha! Gordon freeman green eyes but i dont like that song

007 WOAH why were the numbers so big??!!!: i really haveno idea....something something security guard

somebodys watching me: THAT ONE FUCKING HALF LIFE FANART ILL REBLOG IT AGAINAGAINAGAINAGAIN AFTER THIS POST I LOVE IT SO BAD!!!!!!! its so good and so ppgpfhddbdhbbhjbhjbhjvbhjdbhjbhj AAAAGH i like thsi song too but its always gonna remind me of mr freeman

unwritten: dude Idk. barney though

arthur intro idk: the video w gman singing it to alyx....so real so true idk much abt her but im getting hl2 from the library soon MUUAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA (this is one of the half life specific songs)

just the way you are: hey you guys remember the video of barney;s va as the gecko singing dont goooo changinnnah. its also a gordon song bc it was in my gordon stasis gmod vid

the picard video: barney has a star wars voiceline ("Have you seen the new IG-88?" (the droid)) and i think hed like sci fi in general....idk anything abt either franchises though spare me

out of touch: i had a vision of them luckystar dancing to this song while eating cereal

lay all your love on me: i like this song & barney is very abba fan to me

even the nights are better: again again...i heard it on the radio

waiting for tonight: this video of the american idol gba game was stuck in my head for days & i feel like barney would be a bad singer. his voice acter is super good at singing cough go to mike shapiro soundcloud NOW cough so i think the opposite would be funny

escape (the pina colada song): barney.. if you like pina coladaaas

baby come back: uuurrggggh gordon freeman 20 year stasis uuurrrr

cheri cheri lady: another gman singing this video also i like this song!!!!!

the sign: real

[meat-pvppet]

Hiii hey helloooo really happy i found you! Im in love with your art, its so good! I wanted to learn about your ocs through that one post. Would love to get an answer for every single one, but to spare your time and fingers: alone, desire, future

I love Chasm and Tara so much you have no idea

YESSSS I GET TO TALK ABOUT MY GOOBERS HI HELLO ANON I LOVE YOU /plat

ok for this ill do both chasm and tara cuz theyre my little gabagoos and yes yes yes

ask game

CHASM

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

Chasms alone most of the time so he's gotten kinda used to it, but he still has bouts of time where it gets to him, yknow?

Of course, hes never been truly truly alone cuz of Bridge, but generally speaking he gets really introspective about himself and how he interacts with others

how he wishes he could be more outgoing and expressive

hes tried that before though and its simply too draining to him

and it doesnt feel real cuz hes just acting and he knows it

so what would be the point?

he tries to distract himself as much as he can when he starts spiraling like this by doing maintenance on his guns, ship, sparrow, himself

read a little

do some organizing

anything to get him out of his own head

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

peace

whether that be peace in his own mind or across sol

he just wants all the fighting to stop

for the conflict to end

hes not even sure if he'll make it out of the next world-ending scenario that hes gonna get thrust into

or if his daughter will survive

he doesnt really talk about how he yearns for a day where a threat isnt looming over his shoulder every second of his existence

a day where he can freely relax with his daughter without wondering whether or not he'll get to see her again

or who will take care of her when hes gone

is that cuz he wants to keep up appearances? no

its cuz he knows everyone probably wants that too

no need to state the obvious

to fulfill it, to him, theres not much he can do than continue on as he is

continue on as a war machine

fight for his and all of humanity's peace

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

i think itd be either he dies, leaving tara alone to fend for herself

or she dies

one he can try to avoid but he can never guarantee

the other is unfortunately inevitable

teehee mortal daughter immortal father moment

TARA

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

tara isnt usually alone since she'll be online talking with friends or (on the rare occasion) out n about with them or playing gigs

when she is alone she ends up alot like chasm a little

quiet and stone faced

she gets pretty lonely whenever shes not around other people, but sometimes she just doesnt wanna be around other people at the same time

so she'll rot in bed for a while

or play guitar

or do whatever to entertain herself

she kinda suffers from chronic loneliness much like her dad so yeag

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

same with chasm id think

she could wish and pray and hope for this but theres not much she can do about it

other than spread peace and love through her music of course but she wishes she could be more proactive about it

like her dad

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

probably also losing chasm tbh

she already had the wake up call that chasm isnt actually immortal fully from the red war and him losing his light

so she knows he can die

and by the nature of being a guardian, he could die

and it would be a very violent death

[sinkableruby]

hey talk about Monogatari ships

YAHOO <- said like mario

although i do want to say that i dont really do many ships either so my ideas may not be sparkling... nevertheless it is a fun ask and i want to do it

i will try to keep big spoilers out of it for once!

ill mostly leave aside canon i think

ships i like:

sodachi/tsubasa: this ones a shout out to you. but also. it is very good... i always think of that idea of them bonding over cooking. not only would they be good for each other with each able to provide the kind of support they'd both need, but i think they'd understand each other too. its good 😌

hitagi/ougi: i dont think i would like this one seriously but its just really funny to imagine. araragi crying in the background, ougi being so confused... its so fucking funny

hitagi/tsubasa: i know this one doesnt work bc like the whole point is that its unrequited and all... but i still think its cute. two best friends and they're gay for each other? that's wonderful. i love it.

koyomi/shinobu: weirdly i do like it. wouldnt say i necessarily like it more than the canon koyomi/hitagi but theres something i can appreciate about how theyre stuck immutably together, bonded forever... once koyomi gets older we dont know how his lifespans gonna work, so theres something there about being lonely and solitary in the world except for just one person who you'll always be with whether you like it or not. it's not exactly a sweet or romantic type thing but its more like a 'you're all i have' melancholy sort of thing.... and thats interesting to me

tsukihi/nadeko: the classic i love this one yeah. i dont even think it'd be a super healthy relationship given how tsukihi is.... tsukihi. but thinking about how nadeko has been pining over her for so long i think itd be interesting, especially considering tsukihi would definitely not be as infatuated with nadeko as nadeko would be with her. and nadeko would have to put up with so much for it... they'd probably break up like every other week because of tsukihi's fickleness, or like have whole periods where they dont talk and nadeko thinks theyve broken up or are fighting and tsukihis just being tsukihi. 'the things nadeko does for love' is basically how i think of it. maybe she'd be better off just moving on... poor nadeko. not very good luck when it comes to love...

suruga/higasa: ok i said i wouldnt talk about spoilers so i wont talk about this one much. but i think they'd be cute together. i like how higasa sees through suruga. i think itd be super cute if she was teasing her out of like a crush. they should kiss

also any like specialist/specialist stuff i'd probably like, just bc we get so little of those guys that its cool to play around with their dynamics. maybe like yozuru/tadatsuru for like a kinda rarepair rivalry dynamic... i could see them as a divorced couple maybe. but really just. any of them. hell maybe theyre even a polycule who knows.

and also rouka/suruga is good but i dont really have any thoughts on it per se, i just like it a lot. its complex... its bittersweet... ya feel

ships i dont like:

koyomi/tsubasa: yeah p much everyone's talked about why this would never work. i might almost like it for like, the angst it would bring but i think it doesnt quite reach there either so its just meh.

koyomi/ougi: m..m... dont like it.. dont like it. i think their relationship is so much more interesting the way it already is so i dont really feel the need to see them in a romantic one yk. i dont think it would be good for either of them either... they will just stagnate if they stick around each other. and also this is like maybe not so applicable bc anything is possible in the ship world but. these two just would never. they dont see each other like that yk. if im looking from an analysis lens here, the camera which is mostly under koyomi's perspective that licks and slobbers over all the girls never does that for ougi. despite him thinking shes like "bewitching" (appearance wise but also probably in the other sense too lol) or w/e. i could write more about this and the harm i think it would do but it'd get spoilery and become a dissertation so ill leave it at this. ummm... dont like it. :p

deishuu/hitagi: ok i see people talking about this one a lot so i just have to put my foot down.. i think its meh. i think its whatever. i think kaiki is not and was not interested in her, and just saw her as a brat who was infatuated with him. and while i do think its possible or maybe even probable that hitagi was infatuated with him while he was scamming her bc she saw him as a savior... i dont think the infatuation would have been that strong. maybe just a little crush, but nothing serious. i wouldnt go so far as to call it love yk, if those feelings were there... and on the idea of that 'if,' i also think its way more interesting if kaiki only THINKS hitagi was infatuated with him when really she never was because it shows the flaw in his perception. like thats the kinda perspective cool thing i like in the monogatari series... thats why i like how its so vague in canon too. the ambiguity makes this dynamic interesting imo

suruga/karen: kind of dont have strong feelings about this one but i cant really see it. i dont think they'd be the right dynamic for each other and it'd become awkward...

ok thats all i can think of for now thanks for sending the ask >:3

[spacepatrolhana]

ignoring the hellfire on twt for the p4 thread on the characters motivations and how in general newer atlus acts around lgbt characters... (theyre lowkey rly right but im not gonna say anything more than that lol)

heres a small thread on how i want aitau to be written for each character arc

adachi: its honestly practically the same as the ultimax story “bonds are not that bad i love my stupid little friends”

nami: i already wrote her to feel trapped and envious of adachi in inaba, i want her to move out and realize that “hey, no one was trapping me in this town, it was rly just me and i should make the effort to get out”

ryotaro: kinda simple to be honest its mentioned he wants to be a better son for nanako, trying not to get into fights and making it easier for nanako to not worry about him. also just realizing that nanako does care for him, its just the struggles she faces at work that leads her to spend less time with ryotaro

namatame: mayumi’s death wasnt his fault, and she’d want him to be happy and continue his dream in being a politician n whatnot

sayoko: for what i have written right now, i want her to move past the fact that she feels lonely and misses the patients she works with. since ive mentioned her dungeon is a cemetery, since when the patients she works with either well. Dies. or leaves when theyre better, its more of a “hey, it cant be my fault that they die” and “oh im sure theyre grateful for me, i shouldnt see this as a bad thing” probably will work on this more, its a bit shaky i think

hisano: this girl has been cardboard cause i have not even touched on her when i was writing out the characters IN GENERAL since her social link is an problem that happens with older ppl but uhm... her boyfriend would have terminal illness, but with the constant stress (college apps, her bf prob DYING, school), she kinda resents him for it although its not his fault at all. ofc she feels bad for it but she would try to suppress it. but she realizes that she really just needs to have some final stress relief in her life, as she now has the friends to help her through it, and maybe her bf will liveee (honestly i might kill him off during a social link but uh, i dont know)

kitsune (fox): honestly same as teddie but maybe she just wants to be a beacon of helpfulness to everyone in the human world. dunno still a wip

[dracwife]

hii so like in ncis canon mcgee gets held hostage for like 6 months in south america right? and nobody knows where he or gibbs are? does that happen in your ncis verse and if so, how does mickey respond to his boyfriend being gone so long? (@ssozo)

yes i havent gotten to that part in the show but im very aware that it happens 😔 it def still happens and i think about it like. constantly. i dont know all the details since i try to avoid spoilers but. ill give a rundown of my ideas

fun fact this is how i came up with the idea of dina originally but now its just kind of a timeline mess and mickey just nondescript has dina whenever i feel like it. originally it was like "hi mickey is going fucking insane crazy alone" lets get him a dog so he isnt so lonely

so like. mickey definitely blames himself 100000% since yknow. those are like the two most important people to him. he goes absolutely nutso working constantly to try and find them. he like goes crazy overthinking everything doubting himself constantly and like cuts his hair washes the dye out and tries to act ""normal"" to work better but overall it just kinda brings him down even more. the rest of the team and a few others pitch in and get him a puppy in hopes it would distract him, and it works a bit by giving him something to care about but. he still has a lot of trouble getting back to that same level of confidence and idk just that spark he had yknow. he contemplates going back to the special tactics team to be more proactive rather than reactive to crimes and stuff but he cant get the motivation to ever put the transfer request in.

he is super protective though of like tims desk and stuff and he WILL bite if anyone tries to touch it or say anything about he or gibbs being gone. when they finally find them he goes crazy stupid doing everything he can to help and like one of the first things tim says is that he cant tell who had the worse time, him or mickey and its one of the first times mickey really smiles since hes been gone <|3 theres a moment of like clarity there for them both like "holy shit i didnt know how much you really did mean to me and nothing was the same without you all other things aside" and lowkey they get married like shortly after bc what else would you do when u realize someone rlly is the love of your life. plus also hey i think that season was the same year gay marriage got legalized the writers really said gay rights huh. they knew they did it for me

[famouslastwrdz]

its 7am and im still drunk from what i had at 9pm.

i cant write when im drunk we know this, all full of words that dont mean anything to each other, empty sentences in a crowded room of bullshit metaphor making small talk saying oh hows your mother where are those shoes from hey uhhh has anyone mentioned the elephant in this room haha

but still i open my little notes app and put some words down because hey if i cant write then i cant think.

so, i digress. im still drunk but hey at least i stopped puking 2 hours ago. and theres things i want to talk about but im in the corner at this word party and nobody wants to introduce themselves to me so i can start a damn sentence

so, ill go with so again.

so i nearly pass out and im laid on his lap, and he's stroking my hair, and we're under a tree at midnight and he's had a pint and ive had, what, half a bottle of straight vodka and an additional bottle of wine. and whatever painkillers i could find. shhhh on that one, keep it quiet, dont tell tim. not that tim would know or care, in his own lonely drunken stupor in red's spare room.

so you kinda get the gist of my plight there. ya boy was struggling.

so i stand up, and he puts a hand to steady my back, and it stings.

and i sit down on the ground and lean forward, miserablewhisper hey im gonna be sick. and i spit, and then some of the vodka comes up. great! cool. get it out of my system. and then some more comes up. yep, still cool. thats fine. its all liquid, nothing else in my system. nothin but alcohol calories and a dream.

he opens tiktok on the bench he's sat on and i cant speak for spitting and i know its awkward for him but all i want in that moment is for someone to hold my hair back. drunk enough still to admit to crying even when writing this but i dont want to hold my own hair back anymore. i do it every godforsaken day on this planet hunched over on the bathroom floor i dont want to do it anymore. i want someone to just grab my fringe for me, tuck the smaller framing pieces of hair away,  get the length out of my face. i want him to hold my hair back. i just want him to do that instead of messaging coworkers late at night he doesnt even KNOW i purge anymore he doesnt know.

he walks me home, though. and on the way back he asks if im drunk in the brian way or the okay way. and i cant even turn to him, spinning as the world is, but i laugh. what the fuck is the brian way. does he mean the brian way- nancyboytasteinmen? prettyboy wasted with my eyeliner down my face and easy? or the brian way- slowdisease stumbling home with a system full of slowwwww liquid suicide?

i just really hope he means the latter.

so i laugh, again, dry with gerd and dehydration, and i say no its the okay way. of course its not the okay way you blind fucking fool this isnt just social nicety type of drunk i cant see and nothing is real and youre ASKING me if this is okay. look at me. please look at me, take a real fat fucking look, theres sick in my hair because i couldnt raise my arms enough to hold it back and theres makeup down my neck and im actively using you as a crutch and im bleeding. theres blood down my back and its probably making your hand stick to my shirt and it hurts so much i cant reach to bandage it but no this is fine its the okay way. just please, can you look at me. i cant do any of this on my own anymore.

all i wanted is for him to hold my hair back for me and now i get a discord notification at the end of writing this and the lord in heaven can really time it, wow, if it aint a sign then im not a motherfucking believer.

and if youll excuse me, im heading to bed before the world's spinning takes me over.

[bubsub69]

Entry 35

6/12/2023 00:15 Why the hell did i think it would be different. why would we go back to talking regularly after she ghosts me for almost 2 weeks i wish i could just move on, but i neither want to nor can find someone else, i browsed through fetlife and stuff and tried messaging some poeple yesterday but no luck there either… one of the scammers from telegram posted a story about needing a 'favor' and theyll dominate for free… the favor is most likely asking to borrow an account for posting on reddit because of karma requirements because shes posted another story asking that… asking about the favor seems really tempting for some reason, i dont know why im interested in someone that charges and is dishonest, probably because of despair, you know i dont even know why im being anonymous about her its @goddessclaire8 if someone shares this telegram accoung a) she charges and b) is dishonest. you know what fuck it im just gonna ask her to see if thats what she wants.

tomorrow im gonna have test, which means i should stop writing and maybe go over some stuff, but who has the mental capacity for that amirite… im really getting sick of some stuff at college, too many teacher just expecting you to know not explained stuff, but everyone somehow already knows it, maybe theyre not lazy fucks and actually look up relevant stuff and you know learn outside the classroom which i dont really do.

ive been talking to some people online but i still feel really lonely, i dont know if i just want deeper connection or just physical touch, i dont know wtf i want anymore…

dad kind of demanded i go to a therapist but i refused… honestly i dont even know why i did it, maybe a bit of a mix between thinking they wont be useful and they'll share stuff with my parents which means i wont be able to completely open up, tbh i dont want to completely open up to them either, not gonna share that im desperate sub and that im touch starved and stuff, i guess i could keep it to myself and its not like id impact the effectiveness of therapy but who cares stubborn brain wont let me get help, all i need is touch and gf and im fixed, classic solution.

also the discord thing didnt really work out, havent talked there, cant do it. also kinda sucks that most people dont really talk back, its hard to be the one that always starts talking, and ive only kept contact with 2-3 people, some didnt even reply to my heys anymore so i guess i was just too boring as usual. damn just remembered theres someone that would always start and we havent talked in a bit should text him tomorrow. And i guess i should just go to sleep, not being eepy is proabbly gonna do more good than looking at some stuff in a hurry.

maybe J will text me on sunday again… that seems to be the day shes usually free… maybe ill get that video call… i also had to wait a fair bit to talk with D so… i just have to be patient… again… like ive been… for a month………. itll be worth it in the end………………………… i hope

[foggybruise]

Hey, are you still feeling lonely?

Are there any eventful or happy things that happened this week to you?

lemme tell you a little bit about my day:

I got back to my apartment from my classes and brushed my roommate’s cat. He purred very loudly and seemed happy that I was petting him. He’s orange and a little silly guy.

hihi. eh kinda

tbh not rlly, but its only tuesday so im hopeful. the past week has been really hard but i think ill manage

that sounds lovely. i have a handful of cats where im staying at rn and they are all beauties. one loves to sleep in my lap while im at my desk lol

[moss-sprouted]

angry venting lmao dont get mad at me

so tired of people just disrespecting the fact that im sex repulsed lmao

LOVE that people ive known for years can look at a sideblog i made as an outlet for myself after constantly posts none of them even noticed talking about that same thing can just, look at that and go oh huh maybe theyll take their tits out again cause thats all i care about and ill just oogle them instead of asking politely if its okay to follow which youd think someone thats your friend might do when you as a person is very outspoken about being fucking sex repulsed

i honestly shouldnt have even fucking mentioned the name of it here but i thought maybe some new mutuals who have seemed interested would notice and they did and thats nice but god

do i have to plaster in the title of every blog i make hey im sex repulsed i have trauma it makes me uncomfortable when people try to get that out of me rather than it being freely given and honestly makes me uncomfortable when people i know excluding like two people who know who they are constantly hound me for sex especially when im very clear about my boundaries

i know 50% of you followed me cause i used to take my damn tits out more often because i was lonely and mentally ill (which i still am) and thats literally all you cared about but damn could you make it less obvious

i should be allowed to be a little horny or needy in my own time without people thinking that means i want to send them nudes

like if youve seen me naked close your eyes and pretend you do again

i feel so, damn dirty

if you think this is directed at you its probably not

i dont mind if newer mutuals followed me there

i just wish that my boundaries were more respected by people who have known them for so long

i should have not mentioned it and its my fault

i just didnt think anyone would see it because ya'll barely notice im even here half the time

honestly kinda just wanna delete it and start again cause fuck