#ill take pictures if i remember
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not to sound like a corporate shill but the Plane Company seems like a cool place to work because i Like Airplanes
#misc#i mean boeing fyi#ive talked to current boeing and ex boeing employees in casual settings and they were all happy to tell me about their work but when i got#testomonials in a more professional setting i had one boeing employee tell me that she wanted to talk to ME about my aviation bg because she#was very curious about certain aspects of my job because it crossed over into her work and anyways it was very flattering. i have to email#her back eventually but i hope she does follow through because that sounds fun#i was cleaning out our offices and found boeing 787 stickers we got and i took one and its on my wader bottle#i also found a random token from alaska airlines aviation day 2019 there was just like a random Bag of them. so i took one of those too LOL#ill take pictures if i remember#ive seen videos and had the factory floor described to me by someone who used to work on it and the scale of the entire operation is like.#baffling to me
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they make me so sick i'm sick i'm violently ill <333 (pee and ketchup sketchdump i mentioned the other day. thumbs up emoji)
#butterfly soup#butterfly soup 2#ppkm#erm I feel like i have to explain all of these. um#the first one! little doodle from my cold pancakes fic. i just . think it's neat. do you like akarsha's sweatshirt design#me when I'm a product designer#the second. scene from the game but from memory . does it actually go like this! I can't remember! but in my head. something like that#the third one! i just was. doodling and re-drew one of the cg's from the epilogue. and they make me ill. what if I died. what if huh.#the fourth! why does it look like adult ppkm taking bad engagement pictures in the macy's department store! idk! probably because it is.???#i LOVE writing the worlds longest tags. something is very wrong with me#I have WORK to do. i am supposed to be submitting plushie revisions rn. instead! ppkm posting.#stay turned for more purple. sorry that everything is purple it's just that I like purple#sketchbook#me when i forget to add the relevant tags. oops#roi draws
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absolutely no one asked but my hair is getting so long and every single day i bask in the feeling of having long hair again. like it’s been over a year since i had hair this long that’s crazy!!!!! it’s like mid back length !!!!!!! is that not INSANE
#also i know exactly how long its been since i last cut my hair bc its also around when my girlfriend and i got together <3333#today is 1 year and 5 months since we started dating yes i am neurotic. yes she knows this#i love her so much !!!!!! and every time i tell her this she calls me cringe which is how u know shes a keeper#personal lore#if i remember ill take a picture of my hair when its dry and post it#i need to share with the class chronic oversharer moment
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grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA
#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this#everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad#because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably#i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed#looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this#i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it#but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now#and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too#if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want#but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross#i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance#every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty#there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this#i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at#and i want to like hide forever but i can’t#it’s so hard to function like this#i hate everything about me so much#someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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ill answer ur asks soon my lovelies thank u sm for sending them in<3
another rant in tags im so sorry tw death again
#i am just trying to grapple with my grief rn#n sorry for yapping about it here but in my little pea brain spitting it out onto tumblr is gentler on me than talking to people#because talking is too hard#but just throwing it out is cathartic#but anyway. i am Struggling and the grief is crushing#but ill pull through eventually#it just seems cruel and absurd that the world Didnt Stop#it really feels like it should have#the death of someone under the age of 25 feels so insane to me. im angry at the universe for not just. straight up pausing everything#and each time i forget about it n remember again it hurts the same as when i found out#today i thought i saw him out on the street and for a brief second i hoped maybe it all never happened#but it was just someone similar to him#i cant get myself to put on his album or look at at any pictures#he was supposed to be playing a show saturday#he had so much potential#his band was Just starting to take off#im fucking distraught#it’s just Not Fair and was So Preventable#im furious and although we didnt used to speak much recently i can feel the gap he left in our lives
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i love looking at maximalist rooms on pinterest for inspo for my own room but every time i do it just reminds me of my mom and i finding pictures of my maximalist color vomit nightmare of a childhood bedroom and her saying she was crazy manic when she decorated it 😭
#i loved it when i was little but looking at the pictures now its def overstimulating#like the rooms on pinterest usually have a color scheme. but my childhood bedroom's color scheme was chaos.#the pics are in a huge tub full of photos and it would take me forever to find them but if i ever dig through them again ill try to remember#to update this post lol
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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th-them... <3<3<3!!!
(naomi is not licking her!!! shes sticking her tounge out, i was just too lazy to fix it; she´s not a gross germ gremlin; just a brat lmao)
#okayy; count this as a de stress doodle i should absolutely left for later#ya girl is still taking abyssmal descitions after yesterday´s incident </3#anyways; thinking abt them <3 the siblings ever <3#false prophecy child; kid who spent about 8 years straignt alone trying not to die; and chaos gremlin#that is an incredible over simplification of their lives lmao#all 3 are related but its funky; nao and akira are literal blood siblings but havent seen each other in years; nao barely remembers him :(#meanwhile nyx goes into the picture bc their dad picked her up after she ended up in egarim (mirror dimension)#oh theres so much to unpack here abt their designs but ill leave that for another day#unless im asked? 👀please ask me abt my ocs 👀#<- that is a trap; i will not shut up if anyone gives me a reason to start#my art#my ocs#naomi#akira#nyx#huh this doesnt even belong to a specific story#epilogue#i guess...#oh also forgot to mention nyx is related to them bc she´s from the past and comes from the same clan as their mom :>
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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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Old sketch #1
#please ignore the weird lighting i was taking these pictures in my basement with a headlamp#my artwork#merely a doodle#anyway I remember knowing this guy fucked#and aside from the rough hands i still enjoy it#i drew a lot of robots and twisted creatures when i was younger#maybe ill remake this#also many of these are circa 2020#maybe some are 2019#gears past#< old art tag that i apparently made ages ago
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Hope and self-healing
#mp100#inktober#inktober 2022#serizawa katsuya#katsuya serizawa#mob psycho 100#tarot#i missed a spot sshhhh#next time ill try to remember to take a picture before inking#how do you guys come up with captions ;u;#txt
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guys im so excited to go to japan bc im gonna visit Nikko, which is where I set reader’s hometown in ‘where the panther killed the stag’ bc i saw pictures of how GORGEOUS it was and im SOOOO fucking excited im like rolling and screaming
#i am excited for other reasons#but i just realized that ill get to go there specifically#and i remember vividly when i was researching it and writing about nikko.. how beautiful i thought it was#and how i'd love to visit someday#and now i actually get to go oh my GOOODDD#gonna take pictures at the places i mentioned#WOOOO
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Theres something very haunting about looking exactly like the man who caused most of your traumas
#i didnt take into account that looking though my sisters facebook will probably lead to seeing pictures of my father again#i feel sick#we have the same smile#how am i supposed to cope with that? yes i am me but everytime i smile i remember i look like a carbon copy of him#i dont want to smile anymore#what am i supposed to do#hey at least ill never smoke lmao#well never again#this sucks so much#it was a horrible idea to look at those pics#delete later#cake rants#vent
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LOOK AT MY LOVELIES AUGH!!!!
#bad picture bc the pins are holo so :/ my b ig#oml the postcards are so cute..... i didnt know id get them and AUGH <3333#the lil side pictures on em are tearable <3 idk if i wanna do that but =w=bb#i already have qiao ling's side picture just printed on 2x a4 on my door but <33#kinda sad i didnt get lu guang but what can ya do <3#qiao ling is soso pretty aswell.....#darling im sorry i have to google your name still ill remember next time T-T#augh this is so exciting oml.....#the pins are pretty big aswell!! its so cool <3#sillyposting#and i got a message from customs that i have to pay a fee but that does mean that my rin keychain will arrive soon!!! YAYYAYYAY#i love buying things <3#anyway ill put lu guang and cheng xiaoshi on my main backpack and qiao ling on my lil bag which i mostly take to work <3#augh theyre so cool......#link click my beloved.....
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oh my fucking god im still laughing at "mine was hot" i cant fucking breathe
#snap chats#NOT BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT BUT BECAUSE ITS SO TRUE#PLEASE THAT VIDEO GAVE ME TUBERCULOSIS MY CHEST HURTS#ITS STILL FUNNY TO ME I CANTTT theyre just like me fr !!!!!#they found a chance to talk about mine and then immediately just went on to talk about how attractive he was#unprompted unwarranted 'yeah he had sex appeal'#he depressed ass had SO much sex appeal its cause he wasnt even trying bro#he wasnt even trying to be sexy he just was. him and his deranged lil self#this is why i cant play ishin or y3 longer than ten minutes cause i k now mine's in those games#and im just gonna froth at the mouth and do nothing but look at him#i cant look at anything mine related cause then he just takes over my brain its so bad everyone dont look at me#he has a vice grip on my dome do not put him in front of me do not mention him to me i wont be normal the rest of the day#gonna go stare at my framed picture of mine for an hour now bye everyone ill remember you all in therapy
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