#ill take any excuse i can get to bring it up lol

[thot-writes]

i just posted art of my werewolf tav & astarion so y’know what?? take this fic to go along w it. what would astarion/the gang do if u were a lil werewolf (i did not mean for it to get this long lol)

your vampire not-quite-boyfriend + the gang find out you’re a cheeky little pup (act i post-grove);

Lycanthropy wasn’t something you were born into like some. No, like most others bearing the curse you were infected with it. The transformation process was an excruciating, torturous one that is still branded into your very bones.

The bloodlust festers in you, day and night, like a splinter that’s burrowed too deep for you to dig out. It calls for you to rip, tear, dominate— kill. But you can suppress it. Mostly. You refuse to be one of the many werewolves that is controlled only by their base instincts.

But every full moon the beast blood takes you completely, and you have no choice but to transform. You never remember the night after you’ve turned back. Only brief snippets of red, pain, and fur.

Despite not tracking the stars, you can normally tell when a full moon’s coming because your body begins to ache, preparing itself to split open to birth the savage wolf that slumbers within. Usually you’d start your preparations to restrain yourself, to limit the carnage as much as possible.

But these aren’t usual times.

Three weeks ago you were captured from your home by mind flayers and infected with a tadpole, your entire world turned inside out with stranger things happening every day.

You now travel with a Sharran, a githyanki, two ticking time-bombs, a warlock, and a vampire.

One of their spawn, at least. It’s a good thing that in Faerûn, vampires and lycanthropes tend to be neutral towards each other — unlike what the romance novels would have you believe. Otherwise it’d make the regular sex you’re having with Astarion quite awkward.

You’d think that knowing all the sordid details about your travelling companions would bid you to confess your lycanthropy, but you could never find a way to bring it up.

Or, more accurately, you could bring it up you just didn’t want to. Not necessarily out of trauma, just convenience on your part. Confessing lycanthropy normally comes with questions, and the way you were turned is… kind of embarrassing, so you’re never keen to retell it.

But tonight, the moon will tell everyone for you. if you don’t get out in time.

The whole day your blood hammered in your flesh, your head splitting apart in a horrific headache and your bones feeling as if they could break and reshape at any moment. You lied to your companions, insisted you must’ve just drank too much last night at camp, and they bought it. Kind of. You hope.

You retired early for the day and whilst the others lounge about the camp you’re near biting your fingers off in uneasy anticipation of what’s to come. You need an excuse— any excuse to get the fuck out of here before the moon fully rises. You think you have an hour at most before you’re no longer you.

“My, but you’ve been looking ill all day, [Name]. I don’t recall you drinking that much last night.”

You almost jump out of your skin. Your heightened senses of smell and hearing usually help in preventing unpleasant surprises, but not today, not when you’re so on-edge. It was Astarion’s lilted voice that called from behind you. A sweet tune you’re all-too-happy to hear, in regular circumstances.

He gazes at you with that hard-to-read gleam in his eyes. The kind of gleam where you’re not sure if it’s because he knows something, is hiding something, or wants to tease you. You manage a shaky smile in response.

“You weren’t with me the whole night, Astarion. We slept separately,” you attempt.

“That night anyway,” he adds with a pretty little grin on his lips. You notice his gaze flickering over your body. “So you’re saying after I drank from you, you… what? Went back to your tent for some late-night binge drinking? Not that I’m surprised, you seem the type, but even still. Your hangover looks particularly… aggressive.”

You throw your hands up in an exaggerated shrug. “What, are you gonna throw an intervention for me? Gonna beat me up? Write me a letter about how much my drinking affects you?”

He chuckles. “Oh please, as if I care that much. I’m just saying that you seem a little sicker than alcohol would leave you.” He gasps, then presses a hand to his face. “What if you were poisoned? By someone in this very camp? How scandalous! My money’s on the gith.”

“If I was poisoned my money’s on you bitch.”

A grin. He always seems to smile so much in your presence. You wonder how much is real. You wonder if you’re overthinking it, or if you smile just as much as he does.

You’re ripped away from your thoughts as a terrible pain grips you. It takes all your strength not to double over right there— you’ve already drawn too much scrutiny, you don’t want more. You squeeze your eyes shut and hold your trembling hands still as the curse makes itself known. The pain you experience in transforming is what you’d imagine childbirth to be — if you gave birth to a baby out of every pore. You’ve only had this curse a scant few years, how have people managed to live entire lives with it?

Astarion notices your struggle. He tilts his head and looks on. “You really do seem like you’ve been poisoned. Or at least I hope that’s all it is. If you’re sick then I’m afraid you’ll be sleeping alone for a while longer yet, pup. I don’t want… whatever that is.”

You grit your teeth to prevent a cry. “I’m fi—iine!” you grunt. The pain lapses for a moment, this is your chance to leave. “I just— I have—uhh— really bad diarrhoea!”

“What?”

You make a show of holding your stomach and slouching. “Oh man it’s soooo bad right now, I’m probably gonna be shitting up a storm in the forest all night!”

“Gods above, please… spare me the details. Just go.” Astarion waves you off and grimaces at the mental image you’ve conjured for him.

“Okay, I better go have violent diarrhoea everywhere in the forest now— don’t follow me! Don’t look for me! Don’t let anyone look for me! I gotta go, goodnight! Don’t look for me!”

You give him no time to answer as you sprint into the wilderness. Your heart is hammering and your pulse quickening. You feel you only have a few more minutes until…

A scream escapes you before you can stop it, your skin is starting to bulge and split, revealing [colour] fur beneath it. No— not now, you’re still too close to camp— just hold on a little longer.

You gather all the strength you have, which is more than usual with the wolf so near, and run.

-

You’re deep in the wild now. Your screams are more frequent, your body produces sickening crunching sounds as the wolf starts its escape. You collapse to the forest floor, writhing in abject agony as your body tears itself apart. Transforming like this only ever takes a few minutes, but it always feels so infinitely long.

Soon your cries morph into a pained howl, and the birthing process is complete. Your mind has now been banished to the darkest recesses of you, and in its place is a beast.

It’s a blur each time you’re turned like this. When it’s of your own volition the process is simpler, quicker— though no less painful. You can maintain control if you focus hard enough. But the forced transformations are a different experience entirely. There is no control, only hunger. Only fangs, claws, and a deep, insatiable yearning for prey.

Astarion did as you asked. He didn’t search for you, not even when he heard that first scream. The thought of walking in on you… projectile excreting was enough of a deterrent to stay his curiosity.

But hours have passed since then. He couldn’t hear you, there was only quiet. When Gale asked where you were, he simply said you had taken ill. But now Astarion was the only one left awake, and there was still no sign of you.

You had been acting off all day. He didn’t believe it was simply a hangover, he’d seen many in his lifetime but they never caused anyone to disappear into the woods. As far as he knew.

But then… what was this odd subtle tightness settling in his chest? The thought that maybe something had happened to you, and you were no longer safe?

Could it possibly be that he was… worried about you?

He shakes his head. No, of course not. You’re nothing more than a target, a meat shield for if and when things go wrong. He didn’t have any feelings towards you, and certainly not enough to worry.

Astarion stays awake. Not for you, of course— perish the thought— he just wanted to get more reading done. Obviously.

Another hour passes.

Then one more.

Still nothing.

He’s coursing with anxious energy now and gets to his feet. What if you’d been turned into a mindflayer? What would that mean for the rest of them? Because of course it was his own well-being he was concerned for— definitely not yours!

He goes to the tent nearest to him, Lae’zel’s, and shakes her awake.

She grunts and sits up. “Chk, what is it Astarion? Why have you disturbed me?”

“[Name] still hasn’t returned, and dawn’s almost here,” he answers. His voice is a little shaky, but it’s probably because he’s a bit cold. “We should try to find them.”

Lae’zel nods curtly and begins to rise. She slings her sword over her back and says to Astarion, “Wake the others. If [Name] has become ghaik, we will need to put them down.”

A knot forms in his stomach as he turns to rouse the others. He finds himself hoping you haven’t been transformed— then quickly catches himself and buries the feeling.

He wakes them and explains the situation, and the group splits off into pairs to search for you; Wyll and Karlach, Shadowheart and Gale, Lae’zel and Astarion.

One would think someone with your supposed illness would be leaving… traces. But there’s nothing. It was almost like you’d just vanished— until Karlach had found your clothes. There was no blood on them, no damage, no filth (at least no more than usual).

The search continues.

Dawn isn’t far. Just a little longer.

As Astarion and Lae’zel scout together, he catches a whiff of blood in the distance. Animal blood, certainly. But it seems like… a lot. He notifies Lae’zel and they follow the scent, only to come across a mauled boar carcass. It’s practically been reduced to a puddle with how much carnage was heaved upon it, and what’s more…

There’s massive paw prints in the dirt. Soaked in the blood of the boar. Could this creature have hunted you? Is that why you never returned?

They alert the others and follow the tracks, along the way finding great claw marks in the trunks of the trees, various piles of viscera from unfortunate beasts, and small patches of fur. Fur the exact same colour as your hair…

The tracks lead to a small clearing in the forest, and in the middle of said clearing is… you.

Well, not you-you, but the hunkering direwolf-humanoid you turned into.

You’re crouched down, curled into a ball as your mind rends itself in twain. As dawn approaches, so too do your senses begin to return, but the wolf is not ready to relinquish control — it never is. The two of you battle for dominance in a silent struggle, ignorant to the group surrounding you from the trees.

Your werewolf self is a grotesque, fearsome thing, even as you’re lurching in pain. Your fur is an exact match of your natural hair colour, as are your eyes, even though in this form they’re clouded in rage and hunger. If you were stood upright, they’d see how you reached just over nine feet tall, how your hands and paws were lined with razor-sharp claws. Even as pathetic as you are in your current state, you’re still no creature to be trifled with.

Shadowheart steels herself as Lae’zel raises her sword high, prepared to strike you while you’re distracted.

“Abomination,” she spits, venom heavy on her tongue. “Lurk in these woods no longer, you die by my hand.”

She brings the blade down in a wide crescent motion, and you barely move out of the way in time. She’s managed to cut you, but you’re lucky to have missed the brunt of the attack.

You leap away from Lae’zel only to move into Karlach’s range of attack. She strikes you with her battleaxe and you roar as it slices into the skin of your back. Your wound quickly heals, and you spin around to swing a clawed hand in her direction. Your fist meets her side, and she’s flung feet away.

The group— your group— begins their surprisingly well-orchestrated assault, and it becomes clear that, as strong as you are, you cannot hold out for long. Not against all of them. Probably not even against half of them.

But the gods sometimes grant small mercies. The sun finally breaks, the Dawnlord’s radiance has weakened the wolf’s chokehold on you, and you stumble backwards. Your body begins to rapidly decay and break apart, and the others step back and watch the spectacle cautiously.

In less than a minute, the vicious wolf you were has become naught but gore, and underneath is your naked body, soaked in blood.

“What the fuck— [Name]?! I’m not seeing things am I? Tell me I’m not seeing things!” Karlach exclaims, suddenly overcome with guilt at having tried to kill you.

Gale watches in resignation as you limp, holding your beaten and broken body. “You’re not. That’s our [Name], alright. A lycanthrope... What a shock.” Because of course the group can’t have one normal person, can it?

Astarion is simultaneously the most and least surprised at this revelation. “So you’re telling me this entire time I’ve been sleeping with a werewolf? Ugh, there’s a joke about giving a dog a bone in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to think of it.”

You collapse, exhaustion claiming your mind after a long, blood-filled night.

-

When you awake a couple hours later, you find you’re tucked in your bedroll, wounds tended to and dressed once again. How did you get here, you wonder? You leave your tent to find your friends waiting around in a circle by the long-dead fire.

Astarion’s the first to notice you. “Ah, darling, you’re finally awake! I don’t suppose you’d be up for a little chat, would you? I believe we’re owed an explanation.”

You freeze. An explanation for what? Did they find you and take you back here? Do they know what you are?

You don’t have to wait long for an answer.

“After everything we’ve been through, travelling together these last few weeks, I’d have thought we developed enough trust between us. But apparently not.” Gale pauses, then looks you in the eyes. “Why did you hide what you are from us?”

“This fuckin’ world is so fucked up,” you say, folding your arms and scrunching your face. “We got two people with bombs in their chests and a guy who drinks blood but because I turn into a rabid dog once a month I’m the bad guy, really?”

“We’re not saying you’re a bad guy, we’re wondering why you didn’t trust us!” Karlach protests. “We’re supposed to be friends aren’t we?”

You frown a little and slump your shoulders. “We are friends. But we’re already dealing with sooo much bullshit I just thought it’d be better if I dealt with it myself, y’know. I mean it’s not like you can help me with it anyway, cures are hard to find and lycanthropy isn’t as bad as tadpoles and orbs and devils.”

“I’m fine with your condition [Name], so long as you don’t transform in front of me, that is,” Shadowheart chimes. “But aside from that… that wolf form seemed quite formidable. Perhaps we can make use of it, now that we know.”

Astarion claps his hands excitedly. “Oh yes! I’d love to see that! Werewolves can be quite vicious you know, always good fun to see the hounds on a hunt.”

Shadowheart turns to him. “You’re not mad that your lover’s a werewolf, Astarion? I’d have thought you’d be more upset, as a vampire and all.”

He rests a hand on his hip and half heartedly inspects his nails. “Oh please, werewolves and vampires are just as likely to be allies as they are to be enemies. Cazador has had so many wolf pets over the years, I suppose it was only a matter of time until I got my own.”

“You’ve got it ass-backwards Astarion, if anything you’re my pet vampire,” you tease.

“How dare you! Here I thought puppies were supposed to be cute and obedient,” he cries in mock offence.

“Says the one who gets on all fours for a dog—”

Gale clears his throat loudly and claps his hands. “Ahem! Alright, now that that’s settled, I hope there won’t be anymore surprise revelations about the members of our group. Gods know we have more than enough of them to last a lifetime. Shall we get on? We have a long day ahead.”

It’s of a great relief to you that they didn’t ask too many questions, though you somehow suspect you’ll be telling them the humiliating story of your infection someday soon. In such a short time, you’ve grown fond of your new friends, and even fonder for a certain vampire…

And you’re sure you have a long, long road ahead of you yet.

[y0ur-loca1-lyr3]

Alastor when falling in love/dating headcanons

A/N; my first time trying headcanons lol, hope I did well!

Falling in love

Let’s be honest, Alastor rarely actually likes most beings as a friend, let alone as a romantic partner

But when he does for either scenario, he has to notice that person as more than just some pawn for entertainment

Maybe you’re more socially intelligent, maybe you have more power, maybe you’re closer to Charlie, maybe all of those

But there has to be something that makes him see you as a threat to his power, or his control

Because of this when you first enter the hotel, he’s going to try to upstage you

If he can find a flaw about you, he’ll utilize that to the max

Think how he acted around Lucifer in ‘Dad beat Dad’

But when he notices you’re not going to be intimidated by him he starts to grow angry

If you really wanna ruffle his feathers just ask “uhm…who are you..?”

Not even in a polite way, just in a rude judgmental way

Oh, that makes his blood boil

When he’s not around you, at first he’s trying to get rid of you, take away the threat

But then you leave for a long period of time without notice to anyone but husk

And not even sober husk

So basically nobody really knows where the hell you went (pun intended)

The first maybe hour or two Alastor was like “good riddance”

But then for some damn reason he started to miss you

If you’re gone for more than one day, his mood actually visibly changes

Sure he’s still smiling, but he’s still a bit less motivated to do things

And he’s probably having troubles with coming up with ideas for his radio broadcast

Then you come back and he’s back to normal

It’s like his subconscious went “oh, cool :D”

But now that brings up another obstacle for him

As established before he wants any threats out of his way, but he somehow has grown attached to you?

This wasn’t what he wanted, no not at all

Now what was he supposed to do?

Even worse is the realization that he still has humanity

Humanity is weakness

And if some like say… Vox found out about this?

He’d be royally fucked

It takes a looong while for him to figure out that A. It was love, and B. Come to terms with that

Lots of avoidance and back handed comments

If you sat at the bar? He’d leave

If you tried to compliment him, you’d only get a short “Hm.”

If you invited him to talk with you, even just to get to know him he’d make an excuse

And if Charlie attempts to force him he will refuse/ escape in some way

Blowing up and asking him what his problem is won’t help either

He’ll sit there with a patient smile with petty thoughts, and justifications for his actions running through his head as he tried to appear unfazed

Until someone interrupts/ ends the conversation or you just give up and leave

He’ll leave while rolling his eyes slightly, muttering about how sensitive people are these days

Once he does finally come to terms with it, he’s less hostile around you

Don’t get me wrong he still avoids you like the plague because you’re his only weakness

But he’s kinder to you when he does interact with you

Maybe he’ll offer to pay for your drink before leaving

He might even leave a little box of homemade chocolates at your door, or give you some ‘leftover’ Jambalaya he made specifically for you to try

Little favors like that

Dating

It’s never really said aloud that the two of you are dating

It just was sort of agreed upon silently between the two of you

One day he invited you via letter to come skygaze with him at his radio tower

At first you’re kind of suspicious that he has an ulterior motive

But when you get there and you’re invited to sit beside Alastor, you realize he just wanted to see you. Why? You didn’t know, but at least his intentions weren’t ill

Then he crossed his pinky with yours

Nothing grand like kissing, he’s not too fond of physical affection

But just a small bit of contact

If you choose to interlock your pinky with his, internally he’ll lose his mind

It’s like confirmation that you feel the same way without verbally saying it

Since then everyone just sort of knew at the very least he cared a bit more about you

He’d frequently talk with you

Like how most people would interact with good friends

Except he gets a little more protective of you

There’ll be a shadow that follows you everywhere

Sometimes the shadow will tease a bit

Maybe pick up a piece of hair and then put back in place quick, or maybe brush against your arm, nothing harmful, really

Since he doesn’t really show his love through physical affection, he shows it through gifts or acts of service

Mainly acts of service

You’ll often go back to your room after a hard day to find your bed made and your pillows fluffed with a new stuffed animal on your bed

His favorite way to show his affection physically is by your hand

He won’t really hold your hand outright, but he’ll usually gently kiss it after saying something romantic

Maybe if your sitting at the bar, talking with Husk he will

When he’s feeling especially happy, or romantic, or he somehow got wasted, he’ll give you a peck on the lips, but that’s about the only time you two really kiss

He will cuddle if you ask to but otherwise he doesn’t really do cuddling

The first time you tell him you love him, even just as a quick goodbye, he’ll melt on the inside

If you look close enough you can see his eyes soften a tad bit

He’ll probably say “you too” if the both of you are in public, or something along those lines, but if you’re in private, maybe cuddling or as he’s comforting you for some reason

He’ll say it softly, and then most likely give you a small head pat, or if he’s getting really sentimental, he’ll give you a peck on the forehead

All in all, he does love you, he just sort of shows it in his own way that he’s comfortable with <3

[d4rkpluto]

i've returned to post about a particular subject i've been fighting to or not to post, because i used to consider this person the closest person in my life and i even considered her as a best friend and a sister.

and we have fallen out and apologised to each other many times, but perhaps whenever we argued it was life telling me that she is not supposed to be in my circle. and you could be wondering why am i bringing this up and telling tumblr this but im telling tumblr this to be aware of @couerardent and her scamming behaviour.

couerardent also known as MYSTIICWINTER OR MYSTICWIINTER.

talk about WORSE SERVICE I HAVE EVER GOTTEN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[other people have come to me and spoke about how bad her services were, but i tried to overlook it because i really cared for her, lessoned learn]

i have always been empathetic towards ardent and her money situation, but there are moments when excuses turn into reasons to not do something. on august, i sent alex money because she needed it, but she also said in return she will give me 4 packs she usually gives her clients and she told me she would give me my money back.

first pack is "tell me your story."

second and other packs she hadnt told me what they were but she informed me that i'll be receiving them weekly since august, and now its november.

at first i was empathetic, since i used to be close to ardent, i knew she went through a lot of stuff at home, so i was patient. until august turned into september, and september turned into october and then october turned into novemeber.

and slowly i became annoyed, [as i should] because her services arent even long or good, as someone who gives chart readings to other people that consists more than fourteen pages, the effort to write that would take long, but ardent doesnt even give five pages for her services, three at most, so why is it taking her so long?

previously, she has joked to me about scamming other people, but would put the blame on them and not want to take accountability until they start using threats to expose her, i think she deleted the making fun of scamming them but here is some of it:

and when i would message her for updates about my reading because it'll take months, she would ignore me and even change her pfp on tumblr or discord, until i reach out to her on more platforms to get her attention.

and what would annoy me even more is that she would talk about how she never has something to do or would focus on other stuff knowing she needs to get my reading done lmao and this would be like 1-2 months after i was supposed to receive any of it lol.

worrying about the layout for almost 3 months PLEASE.

i have received 1/4 readings, and that was now almost 2-3 weeks ago, we should've been on my 2nd or 3rd reading by now, the only reason i have received 1 reading is because i did threaten to expose her if she didnt send the money or reading my way, because even i had some issues because living in london has gotten really difficult and i have been trying to support my family as much as i can, but im doing better right now.

its all about the principle. and she has none of that. and even attempted to victimise herself and behave like she was in distress whenever she got called out about her behaviour.

she lost track of time, the time being 3-4 months lol.

and when i was speaking to her she ignored me for a bit again ha, it was almost comedic. for almost two weeks she didnt try and check what i was speaking about.

she has gotten ill, but this was still months after.

and i have remembered, she has used much of her earned money to fund for her nose job but also uni, but during the moments it was best to pay me back was at the job she said paid her well, she informed me that when she gets paid by her job she'll pay me back, and she never did and ended up quitting the job.

[the unfairness i was speaking about is how uni her country dont do student finances, she's from romania, because they do in the uk it was just a surprise].

i asked her recently on how i was supposed to receive a reading but she didnt reply but change her pfp on whatsapp and discord, again.

if there is any confused people comment please because i did this half asleep lmao

[makoodles]

(okay i know youre sick so pls rest up!!) as kind of a comfort hc prompt thing, how do u think any of the boys would act when youre sick? like if they would bring gifts or fret or etc. feel like all of them would lose their minds

thank you my loveeeee i definitely need this today lol

🍓 jake is gonna be the most sensible, i think. he was a human once, he knows how this shit goes. he'll be sympathetic for sure, cooing and stroking your hair. he's also the most willing to indulge in a blend of human and na'vi medicine to help you get better. can't cook for shit, but he'll try to make a nice soup to make you feel better. luckily for you, mo'at slaps at him and takes over. he'll actually really enjoy taking care of you; his own duties as olo'eyktan can be stressful, so don't be too surprised if he takes this as an excuse to lay out next to you and nuzzle into the top of your head. all in the name of helping you feel better, of course

🍓 tsu'tey is gonna be damn near insufferable. human illnesses are so far out of his realm of experience, and he hates it so much. this man is stressed the entire time you're unwell. definitely takes your illness personally - human immune systems are so weak, and they're not something that he can tangibly fix. it drives him crazy. he'll do whatever you want during this time tho. he's gonna be so damn attentive, willing to do whatever you ask. he'll be spoon-feeding you, he'll carry you to and from the bathroom (your protests fall on deaf ears; he's helping you). his visits to mo'at border on harassment, so you'd better hope you recover quickly or the tsahik might just beat your man down. when you do get better, he takes it as a point of pride - it must have been all his tender care, after all

🍓 tonowari is an angel. i want this man caring for me all the time, not just when i'm sick. he's just so damn soft; both in manner, and physically. he's just a big daddy at heart (daddy is a state of mind), and caregiving comes naturally to him. he's only too happy to provide cold compresses if you have a fever, or whatever medicine you need. and that lovely wide chest and soft muscled belly is just so wonderful to lay your head upon as he offers soft forehead kisses.

🍓 quaritch is not a soft man. no cuddles or kisses or any of that shit for this guy. he ain't getting sick, not with that billion dollar body of his. he's got shit to do, and he doesn't have time to be playing nurse. he's vocal about the fact that he's not gonna be roped into taking care of you too, but his actions... don't always match up with his words. he'll be complaining about how goddamn irritating it is that you're sick, but his big hands are so gentle when they brush your hair back, so cognizant of their new strength. he'll loudly declare that he's so busy, he doesn't have time for any of this nursemaid shit, but when you wake up from your little naps you'll always find soup or toast or tea on the bedside table. he's grumpy about it, and definitely not as sympathetic as the others above, but he'll care in his own way

[mywitchyblog]

weird how a lot of anti-race changers have the automatic defensive saying of “We didn’t choose to be poc! We don’t have an escape from racism!”

yes you do. It’s called permashifting. You can literally permashift to a parallel reality where racism doesn’t exist.

Manifesting. If we can “manifest anything”, then you can just manifest racism away.

you claim to believe we are “limitless” and “all-powerful”, but for some reason you don’t think that’s true when it comes to things like getting rid of racism?

Maybe instead of asking why someone would want to experience being another race, you should question why you don’t wanna get rid of racism when you claim to despise it and how you’re using it to always play the victim.

(While yes, racism is a very horrible thing, that does not excuse you using it to victimize yourself all the time. Also no, just because you’re a poc and someone is rude to you or dislikes you that does not mean it’s racism.)

Clock it, anon.

For the record, I am a POC, and I am not opposed to race-changing.

A lot of the time, when people ask why someone would want to experience being another race, the question itself is fallacious. Why? Because it often assumes ill intent—like fetishizing or sexualizing that race—without any evidence. This is a classic example of a loaded question fallacy. The loaded question fallacy occurs when a question is posed in such a way that it assumes something negative or controversial as a given, without allowing for neutral answers. In this case, people are assuming that wanting to shift into another race must stem from problematic motives, like fetishization, rather than from curiosity or genuine interest.

The reality is, simple curiosity is often the answer—just the desire to experience something different. And let’s be real here: that’s the entire premise behind reality shifting. Everyone is shifting to experience something different from what they do in their current reality. So why is it that shifting into another race automatically raises red flags, while shifting into other identities, species, or even fictional races, doesn't?

This brings us to another fallacy: special pleading. This fallacy happens when people create an arbitrary exception for something they are involved in while criticizing others for similar actions. For example, they might argue that race-shifting is wrong, but it’s somehow “different” or “okay” when they shift into a fictional race or species. The logic simply doesn’t hold up. It’s an inconsistent standard, and that’s why I call it out as hypocrisy.

I’ve said this before in many of my posts on the subject, but this is something that requires a nuanced approach. It’s not black and white, and it definitely isn’t always about ill intentions. There’s a wide spectrum of reasons someone might want to explore shifting into a different race, and dismissing all of them under one negative assumption is not only unfair but fallacious.

Let me say this clearly: I will never take an anti-race changer seriously when they endorse or do the same thing themselves, like shifting into a different species or a “fictional” race. If you’re comfortable shifting into elves, Na'vi, or other fantasy species, then you should also be comfortable acknowledging that shifting into a BIPOC identity isn’t inherently problematic. It’s the same damn thing: both involve exploring different identities and cultures. You can’t just create special rules for yourself while condemning others. That’s hypocrisy, and it’s exhausting.

"Also no, just because you’re a poc and someone is rude to you or dislikes you that does not mean it’s racism" Lol-Good thing i specified that i am POC because i know for a fact that if i did not precised that fact in my race changing essay, people wouldve accused me of being racist because i debunk their arguments and expose their hypocrisy and they cant even do anything beside asking me if i wrote it using chat GPT.

[identitycrysys]

OH BTW SINCE THE OTHERS ACTUALLY NEED AN EXCUSE TO GO

Mage and Ziffer i mean ziffer i mean zipper i mean ziffer i mean Zypher went back to game. Neptune was dragged along sorry he comes back every once in a while BECAUSE HE STILL HAS A JOB. sorry chronically online guy. also sorry vamp and cerb ur husband and wife are gone. Lantern gets a break

(,,,,,,,Yes he brought the flowers)

____________________________

Avian is. Probably in the hospital. If that exists (im so sorry avy you’re going to have to befriend Pyx instead)

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Alchemist went back to the cave since Dialtone finally moved back to his cabin and it doesn’t take such a long walk to get there and back. Cloud is htere too. Sorry dialtone. Atleast there’s a lower chance of a fire AHAHA haha hahaa. ha. (looks left, looks right)

____________________________

Anger is just. Locking herself in her room for some reason. Sorry sunshine your gf is . Not happy

,,,,,Not for any reason in particular! Not for any reason in parti

____________________________

Bow’s(the cooler one) bothering his wife. No need to go deeper on this

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Skeleton’s going through the Horrors. None of you will get any context. Other than he remembered something. lol (GLARES AT SOUP)

Oh yeah and thanks to SOMEONE IN MY DMS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE he now has the snas head !! Feiar is going to love this when he comes back i justf know it

,,,,for the room thingy, (hi soup) you get to choose whatever room you want them to stay in if you want to skip that interaction because i’m pretty sure by the time i come back zombie has FUCKING LOST IT so!!

room from 100 bc or something. the two or ATLEAST SKELETON dusted everything off. good as new !!!!!! (ignore the rats) (the breadbox is still there)

. empty room. Atleast one of them tried to bring furniture. ther es is only one bed. sorry zombie. skeleton is kinda restless when eep. that or skel won’t sleep at all

The. Other one. You don’t get to pick this. Skeleton visits it sometimes A LOT

you dont have to skip it if you don’t want to

@zombie-an0n just in case you DON’T see this

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Drama is. Having a depressive episode probably. Sorrh mimic

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Moon’s sleeping her ass off . Sorry sun your platonic gf is taking another unnecessary break

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Surfer and his brother i mean brother i mean totally uncool guy he is not related to are just. Chilling

,,,,,,Surfer is being forced to do farm work. Do with that what you will

(someone else is going to be in control of the two now)

(also hi to you know who. you may give others the username if you want to. ill probably have the surfer design by then if my lazy ass don’t catch me)

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characters that DON’T have accounts that I can remember off the top of my head i think

Therapist is. Just fucking around in Sarah’s palace. So is crowneater

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Laine (worst name i think i’ve ever given a character ever sorry lai)fell into the lake. He lives there now. Waterboy

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Robber & Rational (no, not reason. hitting you with a rolled up newspaper lily) are. Also chilling. ,,,,,,,,,Someone’s being forced to take their meds sorry robber,,,, Least Pam gets a break

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Affie (used to have account) is busy. Making gifts for no one ever. She just makes them and has them stay there. Whoever visits her is welcome

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Durian(IM SO SORRY I NAMED YOU AFTER A STINKY CANCER FRUIT) is worrying about why he can’t leave. No need to look into this. No need t

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Jinx. Already said this. Stuck in his room again LOL LOL L BOZO

________________________________________________________

CHARACTERS MENTIONED THAT AREN’T MINE

sorry for the tags lol

@sh4tt3rg1rl vamp, cerb, sun somewhere, dialtone

@theautumnaldemon or @/mod-autumn (forgot pyx tag)- Pyxel , Pam and Stranger (if I mentioned them anywhere)

@courtjesterrr sunshine, mimic, some other irrelevant guy

tagging you for another reason but don’t tell anyone that wink wink wink smirk wink

@crazy-into-you sarah, arrows

@zombie-anon zombie. i can’t remember if i named someone else sorry

im like 100% sure i missed someone else sorrh for not tagging you

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I LOVE YOU ALL !!!

[sodabranch]

Halo here, still waiting for the next time their irl friends are up to play Lethal Company together... Justice time!

1. One thing that would suck about the Company is that I doubt it you get time off for illness/injuries. So imagine the dilemma of Justice having to leave to look after the employees heading to the bunker, but also being worried about the one needing to be left to rest on the ship.

Other than the issue of the employee being unable to react timely to an enemy lurking near the ship, I see Justice's past experiences worsening their mental conflict. They were always there, when the master or someone in the household got sick, so leaving them feels unnatural.

And what if it's something they can't simply recover from? Earning a disability is bound to be as easy as death itself, on the job.

2. Okay, this one isn't a Justice specific one. I was thinking, man, even the freakiest and erratic of nutcracker OCs will find a human out there who thinks they're really cool! Suddenly, an idea popped into my head.

Because the nutcrackers have parasites, making them semi living, what if one could apply a freaking soulmate AU to it?!

3. Justice, in the past, waiting for the master to come home from work, but they're coming home late. How would Justice react? I could imagine it thinking about how it can't just make a phone call.

Sure, you could easily turn the idea into angst, but I see it that the master simply had overtime, and eventually came home just fine. But Justice is a bit angy they never warned it, because it was worried...

4. The employees and Justice were gathering scrap from a mansion. Everyone is back inside the ship, confident that Justice will soon return safely. In the midst in the snowstorm, they see its approaching silhouette, but something about it is different? Oh, that's right, it's carrying scrap, too. But what?

As Justice steps inside, they see it's a—

Oh no, it's a somehow decently preserved and clean puffy dress?! Justice is irradiating excitement; isn't this fitting for a partner to wear for a waltz? The employees, on the other hand, are thinking 'Oh crap, it's gonna make one of US wear it!' They then push the one who they know Justice sees as the master to the front of the group, like a sort of sacrificial offering to wear the dress.

~ Halo

Oh, I'm also waiting for my friends to have a free night so we can play Lethal together and totally suffer the consequences of our own actions...

I just arrived home a moment ago so brace yourself:

Aaaand no, I also doubt the Company would be so kind to offer you some time off or even compensation lol. Once you're away from Gordion you're on your own, buddy;; better read the fine print.

Justice would be torn between staying with them or helping the team. On one side, it would be able to provide care for the injuried person, aiding them on their needs and staying guard in case any entity was to take advantage of their state; on the other side, there's no way it is going to abandon the team!!! four people is still better than three. Yes, of course it believes that the team can totally fend for themselves!! but maybe just maybe,,, what if some monster sneaks up on them and it can't do anything, then what!

In the amidst of this mental dilemma, Justice settles on giving the crewmate a walkie and gestures for them to use it if something were to happen, then helps tucking them in the uncomfortable bunk bed (to much of Justice's dismay. It really has ought to look for a way for them to rest more comfortably...), and there's no way it is going to forget the "healing kiss" to the forehead before heading out with the rest of the crew. Then maybe it would keep checking on them from time to time, excusing itself to "bring some scrap back to the ship".

Oof I let myself get invested in that one,,,

AND UMGMMGGMMGMG, SOULMATE AU???? ON MY BLOG?? MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK- I REALLY need to think of a way to make this real???? I never thought of it as a possibiity, but you're kinda so right? Preach.

Asdhsdhd also choking up from thinking of Justice waiting by the door to see if their master makes it home safely...

At the start, it would be a bit confused, they were supposed to arrive some time ago! Well, could have been a slight delay, but that doesn't erase the nagging thought telling it something might have happened. What if they got injured on their way back? What if someone did something? What if this? What if- Enough for now, it should think more rationally than that. So naturally, Justice decides to busy itself with some cleaning while it waits... Only for more minutes to pass and for it to start growing more and more worried. Now without any tasks to do while it waits it just sits motionless on the entryway, expecting to see them any second now...

And it's not until the sound of keys turning and the door creaking open that it can rest, seeing the face of their master and mentally restraining itself from running up and hugging them. For now, it is glad it got to see their face for another day.

AAAAAAA THE LAST ONE THE LAST ONE

Just just imagine,, while exploring this mansion, Justice finds itself in some sort of bedroom. Rummaging through it, it wasn't long before something caught it's attention: a perfectly preserved dress stored inside some sort of garment bag... The sight alone brought back so many memories of packed ballrooms and the many dances that took place, most of which Justice had to spectate. As a guard, it was supposed to watch over the people, never let in the fun.

So it guesses the crew won't have much trouble when it brings the beautiful garment back to the ship!! One of them even stepping forward, how sweet!

and im cutting it here because it may be getting too long :9 but I have so many new ideas giggles*

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

I love the idea that Nobby likes James; even sorta respects him! What about Nobby and Gordon? I bet Nobby isnt so impressed by bossy big blue babey Gord

Oop, started to respond and then saved this to drafts. And then I forgot about it. Sorry.

I didn't want to answer at once, though, because when I received this we were only about two-thirds of the way through Springtime, and I thought it would be better to talk about this after the story was over.

Because now you've had a chance to see Nobby bossing someone else around mercilessly — and then, on a dime, going into utter, catastrophizing meltdown the minute he himself suffers a mild indignity.

So I hope it makes sense when I say that Nobby and Gordon have some similarities!

Another is that Nobby actually was, in his youngest years, a similar sort of all-important savior-of-the-railway company flagship. His domain was much smaller than Gordon's, of course, but he had the same absolute primacy and pride. And much like the youngest Gordon it's really not that Nobby was a bad sort, but a fellow engine trying to make him see sense when he was on his high horse was just a fool's errand. (Nobby was a lot more respectful of human authority in those early years... which you may consider to make the situation better or worse, lol. He definitely had—and still has!—more of a temper than Gordon, though, and can be way pettier. The counterbalance is that he has higher ideals and a better ability to relate to other engines.)

A final thing they have in common is that they conceive of and hatch rather daring ideas. Leadership qualities run strong in them both.

Of course, none of this means that Nobby will recognize these similarities. Or that they will in any way dispose him to think kindly of the infant galloping sausage.

Hmm, I reserve the right for this to change as I write, but in general I just think Nobby doesn't at first take much notice of Gordon particularly (heresy, I know!). In the same era Gordon is arriving, so are several absurdly large new Sodor engines and to him they are all ill-mannered whelps.

He doesn't get as steamed up about any of them as much you might think, though, because they are fundamentally Not His Problem. His railway is undergoing Grouping at the time — he has bigger fish to fry. Anyway, if any of his lot were a fourth as rude as the Big Blue Bastards, he'd tear them to shreds, but that's because he knows they were taught better and he expects more from them. Nobby kind of regards Gordon in the at first as a sort of orphan. Not in the sense he pities him but that he kind of half despises him as a poorly brought-up urchin and half thinks it's a shame that no one did better by him.

Nobby has definitely at times told Edward, when Edward has the dubious fortune of bringing a train over the bridge, that he must really tell that Gresley to do this or not do that or to act in such-a-such way.

At which point you can imagine Edward just staring at him with weary disbelief. Nobby, you don't tell Gordon things... it's a waste of good steam.

Nobby thinks this is making excuses, lol. To his mind it's entirely Edward's responsibility to Coppernob all those lost boys into respectable engines. Put your frames into it, son.

[atom-writings]

Hello can you pls do Arthur with a chronically ill S/O? Preferably GN ; ___ ; I feel like my health is just getting worse and worse like between pain and shortness of breath I just want to be taken care of, I feel Arthur would be the perfect boyfriend for that lol

(HWS England x Reader) Chronically Ill S/O

(Gender Neutral) Headcanons ~ A/N omg im sorry anon i hope it lessens up soon ):

Trigger Warning: None, just fluff!

You’re very right, he would be the perfect boyfriend for that!

I’ll just start by saying that Arthur is a very low-energy person (at least around his S/O.) He would never push his partner to do anything high effort, and he doesn’t mind doing the household chores. He’s been living on his own for centuries, so him needing your help with anything is a rare occurrence already.

But he’d never brush off your sickness. No matter how tired or stressed he is, he makes sure you’re alright first. For a while during war times, he would work as a nurse. So he knows what people look like when they’re suffering. He can tell… you’re one of those people.

(And because of that knowledge, you can totally trust him to deal with your meds for you. Plus any minor injuries? He’s on it.)

You’ll basically never have to tell him when something is wrong. The longer you’re together, the more in tune he is with your health. He’ll notice when your breaths become harder, when your steps become slower, and when you struggle to speak through the pain. And when that happens, he’s immediately yanking you out of that situation. 

When you’re in public, he usually brings a few things to help. Whether that be an inhaler, pain meds, just water, whatever. He’ll always make time to be with you while you recover.  Plus, he’s very good at coming up with excuses for leaving situations. Sometimes too good. Has he been using those on you? (He hasn’t. Don’t worry.)

And on days that you’re completely knocked out by your illness, he’s completely content to just sit in bed next to you. It’s quite nice, actually. He’ll bring you food whenever you need it which, the quality is questionable, but it’s better than nothing. Which is probably what you would’ve ended up eating if it weren’t for him. And if you ask, he’ll read you some of the book that he was occupied with all day. And with that accent? If your breath wasn’t already taken away by your sickness, that would’ve done it instead.

Did I mention he is very much willing to wield his authority to get doctors to take you seriously? Because pretty quickly he’s gonna demand to join you in some appointments just to tell those doctors off for trying to minimise your pain. You think it’s too risky to prescribe something that’s perfectly safe? Sure, only if you want some thousand-year-old twink getting your entire business shut down, under orders directly from the crown!

No matter what need, no matter how much your health deteriorates, Arthur is going to be by your side supporting you through all of it. You’re not the first sick lover he’s had, you know? It doesn’t affect his view of you in the slightest. You’ll never be a burden or an annoyance to him. He loves you just as much as he would any “typically healthy” partner.

[voiceofsword]

I'm gonna set up a little tent in your inbox sorry it's cosy here :)

I still think about this so much like what does he mean by this. The shipper brain in me just sees it as rinniki real but I doubt they had that intention like????

Also when he and mayoi talk and niki denies seeing rinne as family only to proceed defending him by claiming he's human like everyone else and he's just shown his "total bastard side" to everyone (but niki knows his true side because he trusts him enough. kinda 🏳️‍🌈)

I've just kinda rambled in your inbox but if you wanna add anything (or delete my ask fair lol) feel free ^^

omg why would i delete this u guys know i love any excuse to talk about them

ill put this under a cut bc screenshots, dont wanna clog ppls dashes !!

my shipper brain AGREES and in large part i think its intentional (not romantically? probably. will i see it that way? well 😏) because these two guys find it impossible to be open about how much the other means to them.. and through that weird tsun-ness it becomes obvious that they're both tiptoeing around it, so much so that when they do, it makes it even More apparent to everyone that something is up... but they both think they're very good at hiding it.

i think niki is especially a worse offender of this bc admitting rinne's just as important to him as it is the other way around is an IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE.. like with kohaku there hes like ew rinnes so gross his face makes me sick and not want to eat. hes definitely exaggerating here... what are u overcompensating for. ehem

but niki's love language is literally acts of service, and, well, it's pretty obvious how often he manifests this towards rinne

and in the mayoi conversation you mentioned it's SOOO.. when mayoi mentions that c:b are going to be their coperformers, when niki starts talking about rinne in response, it's almost like.. he's thanking them? bc to him he couldnt care less if they're invited on stage again. but rinne's the first thing he brings up because he knows how much it means to him, and that if anyone deserves a second chance, it's him:

after mayoi says this, niki goes hell no but regardless his next lines all sound really fond:

and i think the underlying sentiment here is that niki thinks rinne deserves the world. that even though hes sometimes an asshole, that beneath it all he's still a Good Person, and niki would give anything to make other people see that. it's not an explicit declaration of love but reading between the lines, hes pouring his heart out to mayoi like, hey i really love this guy. and even tho its not put into words, not properly, anyway, mayoi himself can see it

(especially taking into account that immediately afterwards he asks mayoi for a favor (that would benefit rinne, in the end))

just like him regularly feeding rinne (although sometimes rinne doesn't give him a choice — on several instances where rinne comes up to him like 'im hungry make me food', nikis like 'oh i cant Not feed you. youre being annoying but i cant have you be hungry', bc to him that's how he shows he cares, about rinne or about anyone), insisting that he'll go back home with him, and always, without fail, getting roped into his schemes and ending up enjoying it, bc time he spends with rinne is ultimately time spent with his best friend.

so yeah nikis a little 🏳️‍🌈 ur right

[comradeboyhalo]

I feel like the issue with comparing the QSMP to DnD is that the islanders would all be different levels, but the writers have to handle everything as if they are the same level. BBH was able to take on 3 eye works and even kill one solo, meanwhile the morning crew got their behinds handed to them by a group of lesser ratio. How do you balance combat for BBH the level 10 Warlock alongside Fit the level 3 Paladin?

yess youre definitely right! ive been thinking about this too, cause i think the dnd approach is necessary for the storytelling (i.e the idea of a loose plot map that the players stitch together), but combat is a different matter. also now im just going to start thinking out loud so please dont take any of what i say below seriously LOL you gave me an excuse to ramble!

overall i also dont really think its the actual combat that needs tweaking. its really more that the players need ground rules of what commands/godmodding the admins can do, or whether or not egg admins are teleporting themselves back ooc. there just needs to be communication about whether or not these fights are winnable, cause players need to have some agency and not feel demotivated, especially seeing some of the reactions from fit/bagi/tubbo. i want players to feel regret, i dont want them to chalk it all up to "oh the admins are just op". there shouldnt be a meta explanation like that, yknow? but ill also talk about fight balancing cause now im curious and want to brainstorm :D

to be fair, bad was only able to take down the eye workers because he started throwing mines, and thats something he's only able to do solo. if mines are out, then it just comes down to him tanking all the hits, because no weapon of his can do enough damage to kill them. qsmp already is doing some type of balancing with the enchanted stick: in that case, the worker who deals the most could focus on bad and burn through his totems while the rest deal with weaker islanders. i also think confusion is a really useful tool, which is why the mobs during code attacks were so scary with the blindness/weakness effects. the best "choreographed" code fights happened when there were waves of mobs, and the code attacked intermittently. this gives weaker players something killable to focus on and giving stronger players a bigger enemy (the npc) if need be, while also automatically hindering their fighting because of crossfire and effects. bad is a lot more cautious with his hits in group battles too.

i think the bigger issue is that armor is so strong on the server that you need crazy good weapons to make a dent. but no one has crazy good weapons except for the admins and etoiles. to get anywhere, the islanders need really creative ways to deal damage while not contributing to crossfire. and this stacks up the odds against all the islanders, whether theyre strong fighters or not. if its doable, the players need to know that its doable, cause rn even bad's idea with reinforced cobwebs was shot down when bagi told him they could just break it in creative mode. which brings me back to my first point. COMMUNICATE SOME GROUND RULES!

but anyways everything im saying is pointless cause i dont know what the lore reasons are 😭. i dont know what the story goals are rn so i cant offer up any good ideas. i really hope that the goal isn't to kill eggs, because i honestly think the qsmp has proven pre-purgatory that we don't need egg-centric storylines to keep the plot rolling. i think a lot of fun fights (and even deaths) can still happen without it feeling forced on the player and viewer end.

[videostak]

ya theyre leaving at like 10 rn i am not going to that 6am swap meet. fuck my life ugh... like obv gonna be waken in the middle of the night when they get back ._. srsly can they be considerate of my life for fucking once. like knowing that i do this for work and is my only source of money and then to do something like that on a total whim and try to downplay how it will affect my sleep and morning tomorrow is srlsy making me so pissed.. like the amount of effort i and to an extent my sister will go to to be considerate of others just to have her do shit like this is so infuriating. like literally my job for a record store that needs inventory desperately and i cant fucking go cause of my asshole inconsiderate mom. reaaaaallly great. i mean best case scenario i can drive up to the estate sale tahts supposed to be at 8. id have to leave at liiiike idk 6:30. so probably not that too. should try to go to the other 8:00 swap meet too or the yard sale but starting to feel real uncomfortable abt going to the swap meet cause of all the stuff around that. so annoying for me to plan all this out just for her to shit all over it cause she wants an excuse to get drunk and trauma dump to her cousin and make to put her cousin in a super awkward weird position. sucha  genuinely awful person ugh.... i mean idk i should goo tomorrow but like really dont kno if ill be able to get up in time. idk i think ill still push rly hard ill try to get a coffee tomorrow at mcdonalds and stuf but like idk just so fucking annoyed rn like dude this is literally my job right now that A LOT of things are riding on have some fucking respect and learn when ur making things much more difficult for ppl. what annoys me so much is when i told her that i wouldnt be able to go tomorrow if she went out as late as shes planning to she just tried to go supportingly “ok we’re gonna go at 10 and tomorrow u can go wherever u want and dont worry about it :)” while just ignoring what i said. lol. something abt idk if all parents are like this or if most are but like that level of being so in denial abt everything that u just respond to any attempt at talking things out with this very fake positivity vibe is so awful. like she does it so much whenever something comes up thats a problem and its so annoying. she did it thursday too when i wasnt sure if i was gonna be able to go cause of my dads dog and she ignored what we said and cut us off and went dont worry ill handle it all :) even tho it was like not even clear what she would be “handling” cause she just wanted to get us to stop talking abt it.  like not even aware of how my dad lets the dog in without warning and how the cats and the dog need to be watched cause he’ll start playing rough. like idk what to even do when ppl genuinely just do not listen to anything u tell them at all. theres no reason for me to tell her something before hand cause she’ll just do whatever the fuck she originally intended to and then try to “discuss” it or apologize after even if youve already had a what u thought was productive conversation days before abt it. like on the first weekend i drove to the swap meet i had told her before i was gonna let the dogs in the back right i went to let her kno beforehand and she agreed there was no argument no even hint at there being a disagreement so i thought things were good and then when i actually was gonna leave she was like no dont let them out theyll bark its too early and i had to get my sister to get her to agree to let them out. like srlsy sooo annoying same thing happens A LOT when having to schedule things shell be in complete agreeance and then when the time comes to do smthn she will like bring up something out of nowhere that she def knew b4 hand  but was just waiting to bring up last second. like she’ll say we should schedule smthn for the vet on a day and then reveal that the vets actually closed that day when that day actually comes etc. or will lie and say it is. like i need to take the cats to the vet soon cause cassettes worms are still present and dendy needs to get neutered and she said she’d call monday even tho its smthn shes already been lagging on for a long time so im just like waiting to see what excuse she’ll bring up then or if she actually does intend to call. like she could bring up an excuse or just spend the whole day in her room and ignore it when i bring it up. ughhh well i will try to go tomorrow i think. i mean im gonna shave and shower just incase i do. i dont think ill wear shorts tho not rly feeling it atm since i could be nervous if i do go to the yard sale. but willl rly have to see

[caubool]

Messages from Discord server "ESU Paranormal Society" #general 20/10/20XX 2:34 PM EST SaintsofGames: Does anyone have ideas for what we're doing for our Halloween special yet? :3: I still think we should go with the haunted maid cafe SaintsofGames: O_o rnbowsheep: tbh I agree with Ant :3: Yay!! Lemon Boy: i also agree with ant! we gaming: yeah SaintsofGames: Guys… SaintsofGames: We can't just go to a maid cafe and walk around with EMF readers rnbowsheep: we could if were not cowards SaintsofGames: Or any of out other equipment like cameras and mics and backpacks SaintsofGames: Hey :( :3: Unless you have a better idea… :3: Maid cafe could pull in a lot of viewers Lemon Boy: & it could also be a ton of fun!! Lemon Boy: genuinely when was the last time we got to relax on the job we gaming: yeah rnbowsheep: see??? rnbowsheep: weve got midterms right now Bad its not the end of the world if we pick something easy for a change SaintsofGames: But we're ghost hunters! Lemon Boy: ghost hunters still get burnout :(

:3: I know you want halloween to be special but maybe something silly would be a nice change of pace? SaintsofGames: Skeppy, what do you think? :P: huh rnbowsheep: about our halloween special :P: oh that :P: actually :P: i may :P: or may not :P: have something :P: ~interesting~ Lemon Boy: what is it 0: ? :3: Can it beat maid cafe? :P: 100% :P: behold :P: drew p wiener convenience store SaintsofGames: That's not funny SaintsofGames: And also language Skeppy ^_^ rnbowsheep: im surprised youre not interested Bad :3: If anyone is genuinely interested in droopy wieners that's their own problem we gaming: yeah :3: Thanks Punz Lemon Boy: sometimes things just droop! Lemon Boy: though the fact that its a convenience store drooping is not all that inspiring :P: im dead serious SaintsofGames: There's no way that's a real store :P: im :P: dead :P: serious :3: It can't hurt to look into it at least?

rnbowsheep: I googled it just now rnbowsheep: its a real place and it has some crazy reviews online Lemon Boy: what kind of reviews?? SaintsofGames: You gotta be memeing… rnbowsheep: people complaining about the food mostly rnbowsheep: and the creepy store owner looking more dead than alive rnbowsheep: apparently its a miracle the store is still up and running rnbowsheep: looks like its rotting from the inside out from the pictures Lemon Boy: woah :3: How on earth did you find out about this Skeppy???? :P: i have my ways SaintsofGames: This is perfect! SaintsofGames: We can stage a small investigation and bring some business to a local store! Lemon Boy: …ill bring my extra sanitization kit lol rnbowsheep: good idea :3: As long as we keep it small and short :3: I really can't put more than 5 hrs/week into the channel right now SaintsofGames: Yeah we'll keep it small! Manageable ^_^ Lemon Boy: no more than 15 mins for the video! we gaming: yeah :P: so were doing this right rnbowsheep: yup rnbowsheep: does thursday work for you guys? Lemon Boy: ive got a shift at the clinic on thursday :( Lemon Boy: can we do friday instead? we gaming: I will take any excuse not to hang out with Dream downtown on a Friday night lets do Friday rnbowsheep: lol friday it is then :3: LOL! :P: perfect SaintsofGames: We're gonna have our best episode yet!

[autumnrory]

god days like today

like. i think it's hard enough being at a friend's events when i feel like i'm not in their life enough compared to the people around me which sure to an extent that's just adulthood but i feel guilty bc i don't have an excuse other than mental illness bc like i am not too busy to keep in touch with people, i'm just BAD at it

and then like, the wedding was good bc i had my other friend there with me but the baby shower last year and the baby's birthday party today i did not and it's like awkward small talk with people i don't know or only interacted with a little at those other events like i cannot rely on my friend who is the hostess or her mom or anyone bc they have to talk to everyone so like when there's no friends there it sucks omg another reason to wish for a partner like that would be someone to bring along to any event and never suffer the awkwardness like at least it's one of those things where a lot of others are clearly feeling the same but i can't bridge that gap either

and the only other person who showed up later that i knew was my high school german teacher who i always liked and he's a taylor fan so once we got talking about how he's seeing her on tour and the album it was like so much better (though omg was he a fan when i was in high school bc WHY did we not talk about it then when i literally had no one to bond with lol some people came around to 1989 and all but literally never had friends who loved her like me anyway) BUT ya know like he asked if everything was the same since we last saw each other at the wedding, which i said yes, and quickly asked how things were at the school and like later he asked if i was taking any fun trips which it's like no i wish though like i had fun girls trips with my mom and sister but that'll probably never happen again now that my sister is married with a kid and i had a couple fun road trips with friends in college but that'll probably never happen again bc who has the time/money so like the majority of what i've ever had are family vacations which were decidedly NOT fun with my dad and his moods but like idk i COULD like trips with the right person/people and i wish i were willing/felt i had enough money to do something on my own i guess even visiting my sister across the state for a weekend this summer or something might be good. i think they asked before the wedding and it just didn't happen and it'd be fun to spend time with my niece and all but idk it still would be preferable to do something alone bc i need ME TIME i need no one i know around me at all whether i like them or not

anyway so it's embarrassing to be like yes i am still living my nepo baby life like at least with friends they'll just ask how's work or whatever bc i think it's obvious i don't wanna talk about this stuff but at the same time more and more over the years as i've become increasingly desperate it's like can someone please ask, can someone offer a kind word, can someone give me a fucking idea what the hell to do to get out of here but ya know. it's all on me i guess but i can't figure any of it out on my own so it's just. embarrassing especially being almost 30 now like skjdkjfs i can't stand talking about my life to anyone strangers or friends because i have nothing worthwhile to show for it

at least it was a short party and all and it IS lovely to see my friend being a mom and a wife and everything but just for me it's like such a long time to stand around awkwardly but i can't constantly look at my phone bc that feels rude and then except for a couple conversations that were more comfortable it's like hellish talking about myself and i'd prefer the standing around awkwardly to that anyway. wish someone would help me escape the horror that is my life

[star-gf]

oh how time has flown - a journal entry

TW: sa, abuse, mental illness

the great thing about tumblr is that it feels like i'm just screaming into the void. which is exactly what i need. no one hears and no one knows. i don't think there's anyone i know irl that still follows this account so that's relieving. if there is, I can't tell because when I open my 'followers,' it's blank entirely. if you're here, i'm sorry lol

–

it's currently 1:11am on a fine october monday morning. i'm sitting on my bed, feverishly typing my feelings away.

lately more than ever, i've been having these flashbacks, some pleasant but most horrifying. and even the pleasant ones tend to bring me down now anyways.

the pleasant ones being over-romanticizations of fond memories like eating at panera with my best friend in high school, spontaneous midnight dutch runs with my ex, and having the best times with my coworkers as a manager at a clothing store.

they're beautiful pieces of my own ancient history.

a total andy bernard moment, right? if only there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

the horrifying ones being memories i've tried so hard to forget. the year long sexual abuse as a minor. the emotionally abusive 3-year long relationship with my ex. the even more traumatic breakup that followed. and many other things i doubt i can bring myself to say aloud.

it seems whether pleasant or other, my memories serve to haunt above all else. they weigh on me with insurmountable pressure.

–

i, for the life of me, cannot seem to move forward in one way or another. you know, if you'd asked me 6 years ago where i'd be now, i would have confidently told you i'd graduated two years prior and was finishing up my teaching credential.

how my tragedy-stricken life had plans of its own...

i promise, i am trying to make the best of my life and take action in any way i can, but 98% of the time i feel frozen.

i googled it, it's called executive dysfunction.

great! i have an unofficial name for it. now what?

i feel so stagnate and confined. i want a good life so bad. i don't know where to go... or maybe i do? i think i know where, i just don't know how to get there.

excuse me, sir. when's your next flight to at peace, in love, and finally free?

i'm dying to get there. dying. i want the happy life! finally! let me have it! please?!

i feel pain in my chest at the thought of getting there.

i want the happy life! finally! let me have it!

–

truthfully, i just want peace. i'm tired of being too anxious to enjoy anything in life.

can't watch netflix because i have to be working. if i'm not working, i'm not worthy of existing.

i am operating from a place of extreme financial guilt, i am aware.

can't play my switch because it's actually my ex-boyfriend's and even looking at it makes me want to cry.

i miss you, link, but our DLC challenges will have to wait another year. my heart must heal.

i miss you too, terrisview (animal crossing village; note that i did not name the island, my ex did). i will come back for you. i will pick your weeds, unearth your fossils, and eat your apples once more. my heart must heal.

can't leave the house because what if someone needs me? what if i'm not here to ease the explosive tension should an outburst erupt?

you remember the last time you left, right? you know it's your responsibility to ensure this household's happiness, right? because even if you absolutely cannot prevent an incident, it's still on you to console, mend, and repair.

i am so tired.

–

this vent is yet another form of executively dysfunctional procrastination. i'm supposed to be writing out IG content for a client... and here i am, enjoying a long overdue cry instead.

i can't wait to get where i am going. i am sick. i am tired. i am doing everything i can and it's still not good enough. fuck, dude.

...

well, it was nice catching up! signing off for now. chat soon!

xoxo, sam

[ask-gary-goodspeed]

Are you afraid of the Lord Commander?

Plus, sometimes fear makes people stronger. Sometimes... Even if it hurts a lot, and even if you never truly stop being scared, it can help you grow. That’s just a part of life, right?