#ill reblog this again a few times tomorrow etc

[reinemichele]

Okay well um . I started writing this post and it started to get too long and go off topic so I'm going to put the more relevant info in this post and then finish typing the other post tomorrow probably and you can read that for more hashtag erin lore

Tw for discussion of animal death/illness, cancer, and (unintentional) disordered eating; no one is obligated to read this. It'll also probably get pretty long. Again, don't feel like you need to read this if these are upsetting topics for you

Uhhh how do I start this . Um, it's been a bad week. I don't think I've had a worse new years; even when my dad died it had been earlier in the year so we were more numb to the fact he wasn't there.

For the first few days I couldn't eat anything more than toast or crackers and I'd start crying when I tried to eat. I don't really know what the physiological connection is there, but I have to assume there is one. I was having to take my PRN anxiety meds multiple times a day because I was getting so upset I'd get nauseous and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I'm doing better now; today's the first day I felt like I wanted to eat willingly and not out of obligation, I haven't cried yet, and I haven't needed my anxiety meds.

But the day after my cat died, we found a tumor on my dog's stomach. It sounds like I'm making this up for attention on the internet, but it wasn't there before this day. Cosmic irony, god's ire, greek tragedy, etc etc.

My dog is 15, so all of us are against any surgery or chemotherapy, even if we could afford it. My mom works in hospice, so just take my word for it when I say all of us know how much pain and suffering and loss of quality of life that (invasive) surgery and chemotherapy causes for people.

So we just spent the day trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. We rearranged pillows and blankets, helped her move, tried offering her Literally every piece of food that was safe for dogs that we have (cat food, dog food, chicken, roast beef, turkey, ham, cheese, etc), sat down towels when she refused to go potty outside.

I made the decision to not talk about this on here for several reasons. I didn't want to contribute to people feeling sad or guilty over NYE, when there's already so many sources of despair and disillusionment in the world. I didn't want to receive pity; something I've hated feeling since my dad died when I was little. I didn't want empty platitudes of toxic positivity insisting that things would turn around and good things will start happening to me, and I didn't want to be the asshole who wasn't grateful for those empty platitudes. Most of all, I didn't want people to change how they treat/interact with me because they knew. I didn't want to be treated like I'm fragile or need special treatment. (If it needs saying, I still don't want to be treated like that.) I wanted to cry in my bedroom, and then reblog silly posts like nothing was wrong.

It's been a few days since the 30th, obviously. She's having less trouble walking, wags her tail when she sees us again, after a few (absolutely heartbreaking) days of not moving her tail at all. Her appetite is slowly coming back, she ate a little tuna and cat food.

But... the tumor has grown already, in just these few days, and she keeps licking at it, so it's sore and raw. My mom and brother don't want to put her to sleep because she's been improving. I obviously do not want to lose her; she's my baby and my sister and my mother all in one. She was the first pet we got that I picked out. When I leave the bathroom door open, she sits with her back facing the bathroom, guarding me.

But I don't want her to suffer. I don't want this to get worse. I want her to be able to go out with dignity and some quality of life. I don't want her to not have any quality of life left by the time we decide to stop being selfish and let her go.

Two of my friends sent me some money to help cover the cost of putting her to sleep. It was very very kind, and I can't put into words how much I'm grateful for my friends for every act of kindness and love they do for me.

I don't really know how to end this, because I still don't know what we're going to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not solely my decision and I want to respect my mom and brother's feelings. I just know that holding all this in and not talking about it was starting to be... Not Good, as much as I did want to just Be Another Random Guy on tumblr, being annoying about my hyperfixations.

If you've read any or all of this, thank you. Please don't treat me differently because of any of this, and let me post my silly little things like nothing's wrong. That's what's helped me keep it together.

Oh, and it's my birthday on the 10th. I don't want to get into it now (my birthday woes can be its own separate erin lore post too), but every year something bad happens around my birthday, so this is this year's Incident. The only socially acceptable thing I can think to say is a sarcastic yayyyyy consistency <3333.

[destinationtoast]

In case it helps anyone to know -- if you struggle, you are not alone.

I think many people who who've followed me or known me for a long time probably think I have my shit pretty together. And in a lot of ways, my life is great, and I have done some cool stuff. But despite that, I struggle with mental health, and my brain is sometimes a terrible place to live. I've spent a bunch of time recently:

Feeling incompetent and like a complete imposter

Feeling like a failure and a disappointment

Feeling like I'll never be able to do any job well and will end up penniless and without healthcare (but still with chronic pain) and an enormous burden to everyone

Feeling like a waste of resources -- "I have so much privilege, and so many advantages, and I squander them by being useless and by not even enjoying my life"

Feeling like I'll never enjoy anything again

Feeling like life will never be anything except stress and despair

Lying awake feeling all my muscles clenched and my heart racing

Having a tremendously hard time getting out of bed

Having an even harder time attending work meetings or doing work

Not being able to eat much and experiencing nausea and digestive issues (where usually I tend to eat larger amounts than usual in response to stress, occasionally it flips and I have to force myself to eat)

Crying unpredictably, e.g. while doing dishes, and having to awkwardly explain to housemates

Feeling numb and impatient and distracted while trying to read/watch TV/browse Tumblr

Feeling So. Much. Guilt. And. Shame. Just constantly.

This is all in spite of the fact that (a) I have substantial and even recent evidence to the contrary about a lot of this stuff (e.g. I got feedback at work not that long ago that I was doing really well and could consider going up for promotion soon). And (b) I've had intense episodes of anxiety in the past and then gotten better, so I have plenty of examples of how these intense feelings don't necessarily predict the future.

Despite all this data, and despite my loved ones telling me wonderful, helpful things, I have spent a lot of time feeling viscerally quite horrible over the past few weeks (as well as for much longer stretches, at times in the past). And parts of my brain have compellingly argued that this will probably last forever.

I've dug myself partially out by talking to a doctor (though I realize healthcare is a privilege not everyone has, though we all should) and getting a short term Rx to help me relax at night enough to sleep. And signing up for therapy again. And discussing longer term possible changes to my meds (I'm on an antidepressant that had been working well till recently). And doing simple breathing exercises. And forcing myself to go do some small amount of work -- especially to make progress on a couple of the things i was most dreading, or to ask others for help with them. And forcing myself to eat and go for walks. And spending time petting kitties. And admitting to my closest peeps that I am struggling, and getting them to say that they'll still like me even if I lose my job. And remembering all those past episodes of anxiety and depression (as well as panicky bad drug trips) that I was sure would last forever at the time, but didn't. And realizing that life is long, and there are many ways to survive and find joy in this world -- and even if I thoroughly fuck up one path, there are other things to try.

I also had to do a big hard thing at work this week that was very stressful (definitely the dread of this has been one contributing factor in my recent spiral). Afterwards, I immediately felt drenched in relief, and feelings of interest and joy and hunger have started to flood back into my life again. "HAHA JUST KIDDING," the unhelpful parts of my brain suddenly said. I still would like to get to a much more stable place mentally, and I'm going to continue to work toward that, and to develop my toolbox for coping. But the sudden easing of some of the terrible sensations feels miraculous, and I'm grateful, and amazed at how fast my internal state can change. And even if maybe it turns out I feel worse again tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy today and try to remember that I did so.

So. If you're struggling, I empathize so much. And it's worth trying to keep in mind that:

Strong feelings of incompetence and/or certainty that the future will suck don't stem from reality. Our brains+bodies sometimes make us feel these things strongly even when actual evidence says otherwise.

That means anxiety/depression is like a bad drug trip. It feels very real, but you're likely to feel at least somewhat differently -- and sometimes substantially better -- if you can hang in there a while.

Just because your brain may be lying to you doesn't mean the resulting struggle isn't real. It's legit hard sometimes to do the basics of survival -- Eat. Sleep. Move the minimal amount needed to get food & water, go to the bathroom, etc. When you're finding those things hard, you're ill. And you deserve time off and self care and a trip to the doctor, if you can manage any of that. If you can't? If you're taking care of others/working or going to school/doing anything else on top of being ill? You're a superhero. I hope you can get others to help take some of your duties for a bit, or to help you book a doctor's/therapist's appointment, or to at least listen and sympathize and send you cute animal pics or memes.

Other people who may appear to have their shit together may not. Many of them are going through big struggles of their own.

The pandemic & state of the world right now are making things much harder for so many people. My doctor (general practitioner) told me that nobody she's seen in the past year is doing that great mentally, and the number of people having acute mental health issues has skyrocketed. Be as kind and forgiving toward yourself as you can manage (in general, and even more so now).

Good luck. Hang in there as best you can. I'm rooting for you. 💗

(Feel free to reblog or to reply, but I may not have energy to respond to comments... responding is hard right now.)

[mortedeveles]

Raindrops.

SUMMARY: You’ve been living in Japan for a couple of years, managing a small coffee shop and tending to your ill mother. Despite the obstacles and tragedies you’ve encountered in your life, everything begins to go smoothly, until a tall and bleeding man passes out in your coffee shop as you’re about to close.

Copyright © 2020 by Roque. The story plotline and some other elements belong to me, but all the My Hero Academia characters belong to Kohei Horikoshi.  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means.

PAIRING: Dabi x GN!reader

THEMES: fluff, then angst, etc. [ONESHOT]

REQUESTED

-prompt: ‘’Stop lying to me and tell me the truth!’’

(i made Dabi as Touya Todoroki in this, i hope you don’t mind!) 

TW: Mentions of blood, cursing, sexual themes, etc. 

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

a/n: ahhh! this is my first time writing for Dabi,, i hope it’s okay. anyways, this is the longest fic i’ve ever written! (7.7K words or so!) not all requests will be this long, i was just inspired with this one lol. i hope it’s to your taste @awkward-yaoyorozo ! thanks for requesting! as always, please leave a like, reblog, follow and/or comment if you enjoyed! xx 

You met Dabi on a cold and lonely day.

For you, it was any other day- working at your small, dingy coffee shop. You had received plenty of customers today, and didn’t encounter any major assholes or have incidents to clean. 

Humming under your breath, you began to clean the tables and lock everything up- it was time to head back home. Your other two co-workers, Daisuke and Nozomi had finished up their shift and quickly left.

A couple of years ago, you wouldn't have imagined living in a small, lonely town in Japan with your mother Ainu, and yet, here you were.

Your life took a sudden twist when you were back in your home country, (C/N), living peacefully with your parents. It was bliss- it was the only life you had ever known. But that peaceful life you led for about seventeen years was quickly over- because as unfortunate as it sounded, your parents fell out of love- and they couldn’t stand each other anymore- the tension in the house would only become worst, day by day, listening to them scream, shout and sob. They never heard your sobbing. 

They eventually got a divorce and from that moment, your life would never be the same.

It was decided that you were to live with your mother- which meant returning to Japan and starting a new life. There had been a lot of crying and refusal on your part, but it wasn't your choice.

Your mother had taught you some Japanese as a child, so there weren’t any major struggles when finishing high school.

And now, a few years after, you had been studying in college, working a part job and opened a small coffee shop (those years were hell, you never had any free time)- but was quickly forced to drop out of college to tend to your now ill mother.

It wasn't a very conventional life but you were grateful for what you had and found pleasure and solace in working at your small coffee shop. Though many things that you had cherished in your life were gone, you were grateful that your coffee shop had enough business and produced enough money that you could quit your other part-time job and completely focus on the cafe

The tinker of the doorbell made you raise your head and snap out of your thoughts. A tired sigh escaped you.

''We're closed,'' you tried your best to sound polite and kind, worn out from working all day. ''Please come again tomorrow.''

All you received in response was a loud grunt. Your eyes raked over the mysterious figure and you felt your heart drop. A... robber? The tall figure wore a black hoodie, black jeans- everything was black, even his hairs and you caught a glimpse of icy blue eyes. His movements were slow and feverish.

So far, your store hadn't been robbed or harmed and you really, really hoped today wouldn't be the day that it changed.

''Um...'' the figure stared intensely at you, making you swallow nervously. ''Can I help you?''

The figure remained silent and you clenched your fists, sneaking a hand behind to grab your phone. If anything happened, you had to make sure you were ready to call the authorities. 

Before you could question the stranger again, he swayed to the left and dropped on the floor. A gasp escaped your lips and you quickly rushed forward. 

''Excuse me?'' you quickly spoke, shaking their shoulders. The movement made their hoodie fall off and your eyes widened in shock.

The stranger- the man looked quite...strange.

He had black spiky hair, and parts of his skin had been burned and were held together with staples. You winced at the thought and tried to pull the strange man up, but he was quite heavy for you to manage.

Poor soul... was the first thing you thought when you saw his face. No one deserved this fate.

Despite your struggles and grunts of annoyance, you managed to lay him down on one of the wooden tables and began to examine his entire body. He was tall and lanky and burnt skin peeked under his sleeves, but something else quickly caught your attention.

There was blood oozing from his sides. He was bleeding. Goosebumps traveled on your skin at the sight.

''Oh god,'' you nearly whimpered. With trembling hands, you reached out for your phone. He needed medical assistance.

But the moment you unlocked your phone, it was thrown to the side and your wrist was caught in a vice grip.

Gasping, you nearly stumbled backward. The stranger was barely conscious, but you could see the venomous look in his eyes. It sent a shiver down your spine.

''Don't you dare call for help,'' he growled. As soon as he was done speaking, his head lolled to the side. He passed out, again.

What to do... what to do? You felt helpless as you stared at the bleeding man. He didn't want you to call for help and a feeling of dread squeezed your heart.

If he didn't want help then at least you would...try to patch him up. Hopefully, he wouldn't try to murder you afterward. 

You quickly ran over to your counter and slipped into the staff room, searching for a health kit with desperation. Once you grasped it in your hands, you raced back to the stranger and got to work. You weren't an expert by any means- a newbie at most,- but tending to your ill mother had helped you gain some experience.

Your hands flew over his wound, disinfecting, cleaning, and doing whatever was necessary to stop the bleeding. When you felt your hands and legs tremble, you decided it would be enough. 

Staggering several times, you pulled him off the table and sat him at a corner booth- hidden from view and sighed.

What mess had you just gotten yourself into?

                                ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Your soft heart and morals trapped you into this situation- spending the night in the same booth- in front of the stranger. A few old blankets were tucked in the staff room and you had draped one over the stranger and another on yourself. Despite the need you had to help him out- you were still wary of him and slept with your phone clutched in your hands.

The loud ringing of your phone alarm woke you up. Slowly, you opened your eyes, and groggily sat up. When you finally focused your eyesight, the first thing you noticed was that the stranger was gone. His blanket was in his spot.

You quickly stood up, fearing the worst. He hadn't killed you- but did he steal from your shop? As you raced to the counter, you cursed under your breath.

''How could you be so stupid?!" you muttered as you unlocked the box where you held the money. You braced yourself- body tensing as you opened it, expecting to see it empty.

However, much to your surprise, the fat rolls of money were still there, intact.

''Huh.'' a small smile crawled on your lips. Quickly glancing around the entire shop, the smile grew wider when you saw that everything was intact.

The staff room window was slightly open- you assumed that the stranger from last night had slipped out through there.

Despite how bizarre last night had been, you focused on the positive and felt grateful that everything was in order- even if the man left without thanking you.

It was five in the morning and you began to open everything for service when you noticed the dry bloodstain on the table the man had laid on.

''Oh no,'' you murmured. You quickly raced to the staff room and draped a cloth over the entire table, praying that no one would peek under the covers. Now that would be hard to explain.

Once you had organized everything for service, you unlocked the doors and in a few minutes, the doorbell tinkled. It was Daisuke and Nozomi, smiling politely. They murmured their greetings and the three of you began to work.

Even though your coffee shop was pretty small, it was very exhausting managing it, even with two helpers. A small part of you hoped to see the scarred man from last night and that he would thank you, but he never showed up. You decided to shrug it off and before you knew it, the day was over.

When you were cleaning up again, the bell tinkered. An annoyed sigh escaped you. Not again... You already stayed up last night and your eyes felt weary and ready to snap close at any time.

''We're closed...'' your voice faltered when you noticed the figure. It was the same man from last night. 

''Are you an idiot?'' he snapped. He didn't look particularly mad, his icy blue eyes were calm and his posture was relaxed. But his words were blunt and rude. 

''Excuse me?'' you couldn't help the anger that began to bubble in your stomach. You tended to the guy yesterday, didn't even get thanked and now that he's back, the first thing he does is insult you? Not on your watch. 

''You heard me. A strange, dark, and tall figure marches into your store, bleeding out and the first thing you do is patch them up? If you do that with every stranger, you're going to be killed, sweetheart.'' there's a playful look in his eyes, but his words are drawn out lazily and his lips are pulled in a firm line.

Scoffing, you lower your gaze and continue to scrub at the dirty tables. ''I think you should be thanking me, not reprimanding me for helping you,'' your lighthearted attitude is quickly gone and you scowl as you speak.

A grin tugs at his lips and you avert your eyes, feeling your face warm. You've never seen someone like him- appearance-wise- and for some reason, his looks make your heart race. You think he looks beautiful, exotic. Tempting.

''You're a feisty one, ain't 'cha?'' he strides over to you, hands in his pockets. You nervously step back and back into the counter. He's much taller than you- looming over you with a small smirk.

''Thanks, honeybuns.'' your cheeks burn at the nickname and you clench your fists at your sides. 

You stare at his face- trying to decipher his expression- but it’s unsettling, his expression is too perfect- as if he had practiced it a million times. He looks passive but his words are playful and teasing.

He's silent for a couple of moments, raking his eyes over your face but quickly steps back and begins to walk out of the cafe.

''See you later, sweetheart.'' He waves at you without turning around and closes the door behind him. 

Once he's out of the shop, you feel your legs slightly trembling. Licking your lips, you clear your head and continue to close the shop as fast as possible.

                                     ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

The strange man is on your mind for days- how his blue eyes look like ice- dangerously cold and sharp. And even though staples and piercings are scattered on his face, they remind you of abstract sculpture- unusual but beautiful. The final touch that would change a good artwork into amazing artwork. 

Being near him makes you reminisce of the past- of better times. He's walking nostalgia. 

Sometimes you would daydream and think about spreading paint across his staples, painting beautiful swirls of blue. However, these daydreams were usually cut short by a new client or one of your co-workers.

Today was Thursday, which meant that you had to visit your mother Ainu at the hospital.

You made sure to inform your co-workers that you would arrive late today and spent an hour or two with your mother. After the visit, you felt your shoulders lighter. Visiting your mother to make sure she was still breathing helped you calm down. 

Once you arrived at the coffee shop, the next couple of hours were busy and flew by quickly- you didn't even realize it was night time until Daisuke and Nozomi informed you that their shifts were over and left you alone in the cafe.

The moonlight seeped inside your small shop and there were still a few couple of customers in the shop. You tended to their needs and stood behind the counter. The soft ringing of the bell told you that a new customer had just entered- but you were too busy at the moment closing one of the display slides. You heard footsteps approaching and while you tidied up some dessert displays, you greeted the customer without looking up.

''Hi! Welcome to Raindrops Cafe. What can I get you?'' 

A soft chuckle that sounded familiar made you freeze.

''So polite. I'll have a black coffee.'' you could hear the smugness in the man's voice. 

You snapped your head towards him and fought down a smile. The same scarred man is standing in front of you, wearing a black hoodie over his head. 

''We meet again,'' you smile. ''Okay, I'll work on it. It'll be 320 yen, sir. Do you want a mug or a cup to go?'' 

''A mug,'' he responds and nods as he fumbles in his pockets until he pulls out the exact amount. You quickly reach out for it, trying to ignore how your fingers brushed against his. 

Being so close to him feels pleasant- there’s a feeling of safety and comfort when he’s near- even though his appearance says otherwise. Still, you're not the one to judge. He probably has enough with the stares of others. 

''I passed by earlier,'' he says. ''But the other workers told me you weren't here.''

You avert your gaze and nod, staring at the register. 

''Yeah, I um...,'' you pause. Are you about to tell him- a man that you've only seen twice- your life story? You hesitate. ''I went to visit my mom today.'' you make sure to sound distant so he doesn't press more. 

Talking about your mother was a sensitive topic. It reopened old wounds. 

He nods silently. You swallow and turn around. Once you start the coffee machine, you walk over to the counter.

''It'll be out in a bit,'' you nod to the machine. ''You can sit down while you wait. I'll call you out when it's ready. Your name is...?'' you raise an eyebrow and wait for an answer.

He's silent for a couple of moments as if he can't recall his name.

''Dabi,'' his voice is significantly lower. ''My name is Dabi.''

He looks wary afterward and you simply nod, writing down the name on a sticker, placing it on a mug. Dabi stares at you, almost in caution- as if he's waiting for something to happen.

''That name sounds familiar,'' you hum and tap your fingers on the counter. You don't notice how his body slightly tenses. ''Are you a public figure, Mr. Dabi?'' you ask with a teasing grin. 

''I think I've heard it on the news, but I rarely watch it. Don't get enough time.''

He's silent for a couple of moments and you turn around just in time to check the coffee. When you return to the counter, Dabi's gone. Your eyes dart around until you spot him in the same corner booth from a few days ago and when your eyes meet his, he shoots you a lazy smile.

His smiles make your stomach twist, not in a bad way, but in the way that makes you want more of him. 

The coffee is ready to be served in a few minutes- and you wait patiently. Once it's ready, you pour it into the mug and place it on a small plate. 

You ring the bell on the counter and call out for him.

''An order for Dabi!'' he quickly rises from his seat. You take a glance around the shop- all of your customers minus Dabi are gone. You hadn't even noticed that they left. 

Shooting a glance at the clock, you notice that it's barely nine o'clock, and you still have half an hour to spare. You hand over the mug to Dabi who quietly thanks you.

After cleaning tables and closing everything up, you stand at the Dabi's booth. His mug is empty but he's still in the cafe, staring outside the window. He looks troubled- eyebrows furrowed together.

''Mind if I sit with you?'' his head jerks up. Dabi nods and you smile, sliding into the seat in front of him.

''So,'' you start. ''What brings you to Raindrops again?''

Dabi smirks and his fingers toy with the mug. 

''I wanted to see you again, sweet cheeks.'' 

Your cheeks are burning, but you muster up enough confidence for a retort.

''Sweetcheeks? That's new. I think I'm more fond of honeybuns,'' you wink playfully and he grins.

''Noted. I'll make sure to use honeybuns more often.'' a small giggle escapes you.

''The nicknames are nice and all, but what's your name?'' his gaze is intense. You smile as you respond.

''My name is Y/N.'' 

Dabi hums. ''Y/N. I like it.''

You spend a couple of minutes chatting- mainly he's asking short questions and you're answering, but you don't mind- and when you glance at the clock you quickly rise from the booth.

''I have to close the shop now,'' your voice is soft. ''I enjoyed talking to you, Dabi.'' 

He nods in understanding. The two of you walk outside and you lock everything as you leave. 

''Well, this it. I'll see you another day...?'' you hope that he'll agree. 

Dabi shrugs. He doesn't seem very fond of commitments, you think. 

''I'll see when I swing by,'' he pauses, and his gaze shifts to your surroundings. You live in a fairly safe neighborhood and the majority of the citizens here are seniors and elderly people, so there are rarely people out at night.

''Do you want me to walk you home?'' his tone is cool and careless- but you can tell he's concerned. It makes you smile softly.

''No, it's okay. Thank you, though.'' he nods.

''Well then, good night, Dabi,'' you smile shyly and wave at him for one last time before walking home.��

Once you've stripped down to nothing but a long t-shirt and underwear, snug under your blankets, you close your eyes. When you close them, he's all you can see. His beautiful eyes, his teasing smirks, and how his voice is always so cool and relaxed.

You bury your face in a pillow and rub your thighs together.

Dabi is all you can think about.

                                   ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Over the next few months, Dabi's visits are more frequent- though you notice that he usually visits at night time or when you're closing the shop. Some days he walks you home and you talk about anything- from your day or how the cafe is holding up- and he listens dutifully. Dabi is a good listener.

Every time you see him, you can feel you feel lighter- like if you're no longer dragging your feet across the floor and instead you're practically floating- being with Dabi makes you feel at peace.

From his constant visits, you've noticed that Dabi is very private with his personal life, but you don't mind. Not everyone is as talkative and open as you. 

He stiffens whenever you mention your father or ask about his own- so you avoid the subject. 

Dabi makes you feel things- you like him- and you're certain that he feels the same way. His lingering gazes on you, the way he smiles, and how his touches linger on your waist confirm your suspicions. So the next time he strolls into the cafe and orders his usual- this time for the go- you make sure to write down your number with a smile. 

Today he seems to be in a rush- his eyes are darting everywhere and he's more distant and usual, you barely make some talk with him before he's out the door- and you wonder if it was a good idea to give him your number.

Your phone doesn't ring until you're crawling onto your bed and you quickly open the message.

Unknown: this you, sweetcheeks? I was wondering when you were going to give me your number

Biting your lip to suppress a giggle, you quickly respond.

Y/N: You haven't made a move yet, so I decided I would

Dabi doesn't reply for a while and your thoughts slowly turn negative and insecure. Was that too forward? Maybe you had been misreading his signs and he wasn't interested in you?

He doesn't reply for a while and you decide against staying up and wallowing in self-pity, so you place your phone aside and quickly fall asleep.

The next morning, you wake up from your phone vibrating like crazy. You have a phone call-its from Dabi.

''Hello?'' you greet groggily, propping yourself up on your elbows.

''Morning, sweetheart,'' hearing Dabi's voice first thing in the morning makes you smile sleepily. ''Did I wake you up?''

''No, no, it's okay,'' you murmur. There's some commotion on the other side of the line- as if Dabi's in a bar. You can hear the chattering and clinking of drinks.

''M' sorry I took long to respond to your message,'' you can hear footsteps- he's walking away. ''I was busy and I didn't see your message until well, right now.''

You laugh throatily and twirl your hair around your finger. ''It's okay,'' your insecurities begin to vanish. ''So? What do you think?''

Dabi hums lowly and it makes you clench your thighs unconsciously. 

''It's a date. Meet me at the cafe at ten o'clock,'' Dabi responds and you grin.

''What are we going to do?'' you can't help but feel giddy. You've done it- you're going on a date with Dabi- the guy you've been pining after for months.

Dabi chuckles. ''It's a surprise. You'll see. I-,'' he's interrupted by loud shouting in the background and you hear him sigh in annoyance.

''Look, I gotta go. Something came up,'' you nod, still basking in the happiness from earlier. ''Okay. See you tonight, honeybuns.''

You murmur a quiet 'bye' and once he ends the call, you fall back onto your bed, a wide smile on your lips. 

                                                    ▬▬

Once it's ten o'clock, you find yourself waiting patiently in front of your closed cafe. Since it was a date- you decided to dress up a bit more. 

A few minutes passed by and you spotted Dabi approaching you, wearing a black leather jacket, black ripped jeans, and black combat boots. He looks mouthwatering.  

You smile when he waves at you. He reaches for your hand and your heart bursts- he's initiating the physical contact. His fingers are long and slender.

''So,'' you start. ''Where are you taking me, Dabi?''

He grins in response and remains silent. Dabi leads you to a car that looks rather expensive- and you suppress the desire to ask where he got it from- he's rather private and you don't think he'll appreciate your question.

''Get in, sweetheart,'' he smirks before sliding into the driver seat and you quickly slip into the car. Once the two of you are seated, Dabi turns on the engine, and the car roars to life.

The first few minutes are quiet but comfortable and you don't speak up until you notice that your surroundings are becoming more unfamiliar by the moment.

''Dabi,'' you start slowly. ''Where are we going?'' 

Dabi glances at you and he smiles- it’s not a teasing or mischievous smile- a pure, refreshing smile and you feel yourself relax into your seat. 

''What did I say? It won't be a surprise if I tell you,'' you laugh briefly and shrug.

''Just wanna make sure you're not leading me into a forest to kidnap me.''

Dabi chuckles and you feel less tense by the minute- you've known for him for weeks and he's never displayed any intentions of harming you,- there's nothing to worry about.

After a few more minutes, Dabi pulls up at the entrance of a forest- and your heart stops for a second.

Dabi notices how you tense and your expression briefly falters and slips his hand into yours.

''Don't worry,'' he smirks at your uneasiness. ''There's something here I wanted you to see.''

You nod and the two of you quickly slip out of the car and he leads you into the forest, trudging forward until you spotlight. A few lamps are surrounding a warm blanket- and there's a box with two glasses next to it. 

''Dabi...?'' you drop your hand in shock and stare with wide eyes at the scene. It's simple and small, but it makes your heart burst with joy.

''No one's ever done something like this for me,'' and before Dabi can react, you throw your arms around him. He quickly responds and wraps his arms around you as well.

''Thank you,'' your words are muffled but Dabi nods in understanding. You quickly regain your composure and your date begins. 

Dabi brought hamburgers and fries- you had briefly mentioned before that they were your favorite- and wine. The two of you chat about everything as you eat and once you both feel full, you lay down and stare at the sky, hands brushing against each other.

''Wow,'' the sight leaves you breathless. You slip your hand into Dabi’s. ''Seeing the sky without any traffic lights is so different. The stars are so beautiful,''

Dabi's silent for a while and while you're too busy gazing at the stars- he's busy staring at your face, studying each of your features. 

Your gaze never drifts away-until you feel a small droplet of water spill on your cheeks. Brushing it away without hesitation, you focus your gaze on Dabi and smile tenderly.

Drip. Another one falls on your back. Exasperated, you brush it off until you realize that it's raining. 

Drip. Drip. The raindrops are quickly falling and Dabi curses. He quickly pulls you forward and the two of you race to the car- you can worry about the blanket and lamps later- but you stop him halfway. He glances back at you and frowns. His spiky black hair is dripping wet and quickly lost its shape and you're sure you don't look any better.

''Don't be so rash,'' you smile and wrap your arms around your neck. ''Don't you want to appreciate the rain?''

Dabi chuckles and pulls you closer. ''This feels like a fucking cheesy movie,'' his words are blunt but there's a smile on his face.

''Who says it isn't?'' with a smirk, Dabi pulls you forward and presses his lips against yours.

It's a moment that is still lively and vivid in your memories- kissing Dabi under the rain.

The two of you had quickly rushed off to the car after the first and intense kiss, mainly because you were fearful of catching a cold. 

After the date, you were in a good mood for days and kept texting with Dabi. The more you talked with him, the more you realized he was an interesting character. 

You spent months in bliss- even your co-workers noticed the change in your demeanor and would occasionally send you a knowing smile or smirk. 

Your dates with Dabi weren't that frequent- not that you minded,- since his job forced him to be constantly busy. Instead, you kept in touch through texting and sometimes he would drop by your cafe and walk you home.

Sometimes your insecurities would get the worse of you- but Dabi was quick to flush them down. When your mother Ainu passed away in the hospital due to old age- you had broken down in tears and felt numb for several days. He couldn't be with you the whole week, but he made sure to bring you food, help you clean up and feed you. Dabi was there for you. That week was very difficult for you and Dabi didn’t care. He rode it out with you. 

When you went out on dates with Dabi, he was usually the one to propose them and would never tell you what he had planned- it was always a surprise.  

On the fifth date, there was a silent agreement between the two of you- you've danced around each other for long enough and when Dabi walks you home, you tug him into your apartment- and he's happy to comply with your wishes. Your lust and need are far too big to be left ignored.

                                  ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Dabi's arms are under his head and you can feel your inner thighs ache from your previous activities. You're both cleaned up and returned to bed, basking in the afterglow of sex.

His body is warm to the touch and you snuggle into his chest. His arm wraps around your waist and pulls you closer.

''Can I ask you something?'' his voice is casual but you perk up at his voice.

''Of course, you can,'' you murmur and softly trace your fingers on his arms.

''Is there anything you want to do in your life? Like, a dream of a sort?'' his question leaves you silent for a moment, thinking about an honest answer.

You nervously play with your fingers. You've been working on accomplish a certain dream, but was afraid of how he would react, so you never mentioned it. 

''Well... there is this one thing I want to do,'' you meet his gaze. ''Promise you won't laugh?'' 

Dabi scoffs. His grip around you tightens. ''Why would I make fun of you? What is it?''

''Um...well, I want to close the cafe and with the savings, I'm earning, open a cat cafe.''

You close your eyes, expecting him to burst out laughing. Out of all the ambitions you could have in life- yours was quite simple. Opening a cat cafe had always been your life dream. Cats were your favorite animal and you would've had one if your landlord had allowed it. He hated animals. 

''I like that idea.'' Dabi's low voice makes you look up. He's looking down at you, tangling his fingers in your hair.

''Really?'' there's a soft smile playing on your lips. Dabi could be blunt or rude and you weren’t going to lie- he had some rough edges around his personality, but he was one of the most thoughtful and kind guys you had ever met. 

''Have you thought of a name for the cat cafe? Or are you keeping the name Raindrops?'' 

You shake your head and click your tongue.

''No, I don't want the keep the name Raindrops. It's going to be a new shop so it's like a new start for me, ya know?'' A fresh start, Dabi thinks. A fresh start for you without him? His mouth feels bitter at the thought.

''So I've been thinking of names, but I haven't liked any.''

Dabi nods. An idea pops into his head and he blurts it out.

''You know, you could name it after your mom. Ainu has a nice ring to it,'' he makes sure to lower his voice. 

You stiffen. It's been a few weeks since your mother passed away and mentioning her still makes you feel disorientated. But hearing Dabi's suggestion makes your heart warm.

You slowly relax and tighten your arms around him.

''I love it.''

                                                  ▬▬

Your relationship with Dabi was strong and passionate- you understood each other. The two of you rarely argued- you always communicated. Needless to say, your relationship wasn't perfect. There were some rocky situations and bad moments you two would encounter, but would always handle them together.

''Why are you with me?''

Dabi's question makes you frown and sit up. You stroke his cheek but he flinches at your touch.

Your heart feels heavy. 

''What on earth are you talking about, Dabi?'' you murmur. He averts his gaze from you. ''I'm with you because, I, I love you,''

Dabi's eyes perk up at your words. It's the first time you've told him that you love him and it took him by surprise.

Without another word, Dabi pulls you into his arms and you squeal in surprise. You don't notice that he didn't reply with his own 'I love you.'

You're too busy in basking in the affection and touches of Dabi. There's a bright smile on your face as the two of you exchange kisses- your life is perfect- you feel so happy it feels intoxicating, Dabi is the best boyfriend you could ask for, the cafe is running smoothly- better than you would expect- and soon enough, you would have enough to open the cat cafe.

It seems that everything fell apart after that night. 

                               ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

In the next few weeks, Dabi's visits and messages are declining and you can't help but feel distraught at the change.

Everything was okay. What happened?

The first time you noticed things were changing was when you invited him on a small walk to the cemetery and the library afterward. You wanted to visit your mother and leave her some flowers.

He had agreed to accompany you and you were to meet him at the local bus stop and you waited an hour there. Dabi never showed up.

He apologized the next time you met and you quickly forgave him, hoping it would be a one-time thing. Except it wasn't. Dabi began to cancel on your meetings or straight out reject them. You would never forget the feeling of sitting in a coffee shop, hopeful that Dabi would show up- even if an hour had passed by-, receiving looks of pity from the workers. 

You began to approach your limit one day at work. Your co-worker Daisuke, was watching the news intently on his phone. When he noticed you staring, he beckoned you to watch the news with him. It was live news, reporting a villain attack on an area that was at least an hour away from the cafe. Living on the outskirts of Japan included fewer villain attacks and you weren't up to date with the news.

The news reporter stated that the villains were the League of Villains. You felt distraught and confused since you had never heard of them before. Managing a cafe was a busy life and ate up most of your time. 

You stifled a gasp when you saw a wall of bright blue flames lick at a building. Their color was strangely familiar-icy blue, just like Dabi's eyes.

The news reporter's voice became louder and more anxious by the moment and your blood ran cold when you spotted an arm. A scarred arm. Parts of it were burnt and held together with staples.

Is that...Dabi?

The thought had been on your mind all day and it didn't help that Dabi had ignored you for the entire week and you had gone to bed frustrated and worried. Where was he? Was he okay? Was Dabi injured, unable to contact you, or was he simply safe and decided he had enough of you? Both options made your heart ache painfully. Today had been a stressful day- you were at your limit. 

You had been drifting in and out of sleep when you heard the apartment door swing open and loud footsteps enter the living room. As if you had been thrown into a cage of ice, your entire body froze and goosebumps rose on your arms.

Dabi? A thief? Or worst...a villain?

Slowly, you reached under your bed and blindly snatch your silver baseball bat- Dabi had given it to you with the words 'stay safe.' You tiptoed out of your bedroom and froze at the tall and dark intimidating figure that was strangely familiar. 

The figure switched on the lights and confirmed your suspicions. 

There he was, looking like if he hadn't slept for days, your boyfriend Dabi staggered onto the couch.

''Dabi!'' you immediately cried out and rushed towards him. ''Are you okay?!" your eyes raked over his body and relaxed when you didn't see any visible injuries. Dabi grunted and you sat down next to him, unsure what to do with yourself.

''M' just fine. Just need some sleep,'' he didn't spare you another glance before walking towards your bedroom.

''Dabi...?'' you walked behind him. He didn't reply and continued to trudge towards your bed.

''Dabi!''

He was sitting on your bed and scowled. ''What?!" 

You clenched your fists. He didn't deserve the right to be mad- he had ignored you for a week without a word.

''You don't get to be mad,'' you whispered with a tremble in your voice. ''You've ignored me for a week and now you show up in the middle of the night like nothing?''

Dabi groaned and kicked off his boots. ''Calm down, Y/N. I told you when we started dating that I won't be here all the time.''

You sigh and pinch your nose. ''That's not the point. I don't mind- it's your life, but it wouldn't kill you to let me know. You've stood me up four times,'' your voice quivers and regret washes over Dabi's face.

''I'm sorry,'' he mutters. ''I had some business to do. I'll make it up to you, I promise.''

His words make you scoff. Dabi had said the same thing the last three times.

''What's going to be your next excuse, Dabi?'' you sneer. ''Busy with your job? A sick brother? If you don't love me anymore, then don't be a coward and tell me!'' you cry out. ''Stop lying to me and tell me the truth! I hate being left in the dark.'' 

Dabi's silent. You pinch your nose and climb into the other side of the bed- you’ll deal with him tomorrow- but Dabi grabs you and holds you tight as if he's afraid you'll vanish into thin air. His perfume and strong arms lull you to sleep. And the last thing you hear is his whispered apologies. 

                                   ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

On days like these, you wonder where it all went wrong. Maybe it was when you laid in Dabi's arms after two intense rounds of intercourse, thinking about how perfect your life was. You shouldn't have said it- the universe must've heard you and saw how lucky you were- and decided no one could be that fortunate. 

After yesterday's argument, Dabi had left. He was gone when you woke up, but his warmth lingered in your bed. You curled up into a ball and cried for hours.

Sunday's never sat well with you- they made your mouth dry. Something about them made you feel that everything was going to end quickly and that something new and dangerous would begin.

Today was your day off and you decided to keep your mind off Dabi. You visited the cemetery, ice cream parlor, and the library, but they all reminded him of you. The darkness and melancholy the cemetery held reminded you of Dabi when he felt unwell. The blueberry ice cream reminded you of the frosty blue shade of breathtaking eyes. And the peaceful silence of the library was similar to that time you stargazed with him.

You spent another two weeks without another word from him. Everything was going badly- for some mysterious reason, the sales of the cafe began to plummet and your dreams of opening a cat cafe were farther from your reach.

On a Wednesday, you received a text message from your boyfriend.

Dabi: Can we talk? I'm free at 8 PM.

Your melancholic mood slightly decreased. He was willing to communicate with you, that was a good sign, right? Maybe you could talk about your problems and everything would be fine, right?

Once you stepped into the apartment, you were the first one to speak. After being left in the dark for so long, it was your turn to talk.

''You know, I realized something a few weeks ago,'' you slip off your coat and feel Dabi's eyes on your body.

''I barely know a thing about you,'' you laugh dryly and lean on the wall.

''I've told you so much about me, Dabi. Why can't you tell me about you?''

His silence aggravates you. Even you can feel it- your relationship is tearing apart at the edges.

''Dabi...'' you sit down next to him and squeeze his shoulder comfortingly. 

''I love you.'' He doesn't react at your words. Your throat feels dry and impossibly small. 

''I'm a villain, Y/N.'' 

He's staring directly at you, emotionless but his fists are clenched on his knees. Dabi's confession feels like a punch to your stomach. You've had your suspicions before but they weren't enough to pique your interest. All the nights he had to leave, the days he wouldn't even show up, all because he was...

A villain.

''We're over.''

You're stunned. All the warmth in your body abandons you and you swear you can hear your heart cracking.

''What...?'' tears began to gather in your eyes. He can't be serious.

Dabi stood up but you're quick to grab his hand.

''Dabi, wait!'' he freezes at your words. ''I don't care, okay?!'' you stand in front of him and clutch his scarred face in your hands.

''I don't care, because I know you're so much more than a villain. You're my Dabi, the only one who's been here for me no matter what. I love you,'' you whisper weakly.

Dabi averts his gaze to the ground. The fact that he won't meet your gaze is making you feel anxious. 

''I know you love me, Dabi,'' you sound confident but you can feel your confidence crumble on the inside. ''Don't you love me? We can get through this, together.''

He's silent and his silence feeds your insecurities. They're crawling out of dark pits and seizing control over your thoughts. Dabi is still silent as he pulls away from your touch and begins to walk away.

''Dabi!'' you yell, pain and agony blurring into your words. ''Don't be a coward and end things this way!''

He spurs around, ice blue eyes narrowed and his arms are trembling.

''It's over,'' he repeats. But you're not letting him go easily. 

''Don't leave me!'' you exclaim and clench your fists. 

''I'm a villain, Y/N!" Dabi roars. ''You can't be with someone like me!''

''I don't care!'' you cry out with despair and clutch his wrist. ''I don't give a shit that you're a villain, Dabi! I love you! You could have the most miserable life in the world or be the devil- I don't care! I love you, Dabi, and I'll always be at your side. I'll follow you through heaven and hell.'' your face is moist with tears and they're blurring your eyesight. 

''I love you, Dabi,'' your fingers are trembling. 

''I can't stay with you. I'm sorry.'' his words rip your heart in two. You've screamed and begged- it's not enough. It never will be.

''Okay,'' you whisper shakily. ''Can you just do something for me? For old time's sakes?'' 

Dabi looks wary but nods. You swallow thickly and tug him closer for one last kiss, showing your pain and love for him through the tender touches.

Once you pull away, you're breathless. Dabi's eyes are locked onto yours. He gently pulls away. And you muster enough energy to repeat the last three words.

''I love you.''

Dabi walks towards your door and closes the door behind him. You crumple to the floor with one thought in your mind. 

He's never said it back.

                              ▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Dabi has never felt this bad. The pain that makes his heart throb is unbearable. He's never felt this way- not even when his father would beat him to a pulp or burn him until he was on his knees, screaming until his throat felt raw.

He was being delusional- thinking he could scurry back to you whenever he wanted- but the reality was that he was a villain, and villains don't have time for distractions.

The two of you simply don't fit together, he thinks bitterly. He's a wicked, fearless villain and you're a cute civilian that runs a homey cafe. It would've never worked.

Dabi is a harsh and ruthless blizzard- the type that you encounter on a dreadful day and brings nothing but death and sickness. A blizzard that tears apart families, innocent lives, and destroys love in his cold and deadly grip. He ruins everything.

You're the snow that falls in the beginnings of winter,- beautiful, fragile, and mesmerizing. You bring joy and happiness with so much grace that leaves him speechless. You're too fragile for his destructive life. 

The League of Villains is preparing for an attack- he had to end things before you were targeted.

It was never supposed to be this way, he was never supposed to visit you for the second time, or the third, or the fourth. 

But he was drawn to you, like a moth drawn to a flame. Burning both of you in the process.

Dabi should’ve known- he’s always been wary of commitments. He knows what they imply. And yet, he blindly fell in love with you- despite knowing how it would it end. Your relationship would crash and burn. Sizzling with bitter heat, branding the two of you with new scars.

                                                        ▬▬      

He feels bitterness coil around his heart as he stares into the window of the cat cafe. It’s been a bit over a year since he’s seen you. There's a brunette speaking to you and you're smiling brightly- like when you were in his arms- and he feels jealously boil in his veins. The brunette is dressed as a normal civilian- he's perfect for you.

He's quick to shake such negative thoughts and instead, appreciates the sight of you. You look healthy and well- there are no eye bags under your eyes, no tears running down your cheeks-, your soft hair is carefully brushed and well kept. You look as beautiful as the first time he met you- he can still feel the loud beating in his heart- he’s speechless.

Despite his jealousy, he feels happy for you. You're running a successful and beautiful cat cafe- you have everything you want and he wishes nothing but the best for you.

Even if you aren't in his arms, he thinks.

He focuses on the bold sign that hangs outside of the store: Ainu: Cat Cafe. His heart blooms with pleasure and precious memories flood his mind. When the two of you were lying in bed, hands intertwined. 

Dabi still remembers when he suggested that you should name the cat cafe after your mother and how you looked at him so tenderly- as if he wasn't a villain who had murdered millions and instead someone worthy of your love and attention- and kissed him like it was the last time. 

You've made him soft- he's a virile villain- and Dabi isn't sure if he'll ever get over you. Your time together has left a large and noticeable print over his heart.

You're smiling brightly and that's all Dabi needs to see. You're happy and safe- even if the price was breaking his heart and your own in the process. 

His gaze hardens as he diverts his attention from you- Dabi knows everything will go back to normal- without you. And for a second, a bitter smile graces his lips. You aren't his anymore, your love story was nothing but tragedy and pain but your endless love and support will always burn bright inside his tainted soul. 

soo,, what do you think? did i do dabi justice? have a good day!! xx 

[sage-nebula]

((do NOT reblog))

Lately I’ve been thinking that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I’ve been tired—like, extremely so—for . . . maybe a year now? If not longer. It feels like it settled in shortly after I started my new job back in March of 2019, so in that case it’d be more like a year and nine months, but it’s hard to say for sure. I thought for a long time that it was because of my new job, because I have to wake up early in the morning for it and my delayed sleep phase disorder means that I’m running on a lower than average hours of sleep each night during the week. But lately I think it’s more than that.

See, the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. Even if I get the suggested nine hours a night, I’m still dozing off a little after waking up, like a couple hours later. Even if I get twelve, thirteen, or fourteen hours of sleep in a night, sure enough I’ll be dozing off again a few hours after waking up. I have no energy to do anything on the weekends. Even if I get the aforementioned thirteen hours of sleep Friday going into Saturday, on Saturday I still feel so drained that doing a load of laundry leaves me feeling completely wiped out. This causes mess to pile up in my house, because I just don’t have the energy to get it done, because I only start to feel normal by Sunday night (and even then it’s like barely normal) but then the work week starts again. I had a four day weekend this weekend thanks to the Christmas holiday, and I spent both Thursday and Friday with no energy to do anything at all. Even when I didn’t feel sleepy, I felt so drained of energy that just laying there felt like the most that I could do. Today I’ve felt a bit better, but still recuperating. Tomorrow, my last day off, is the only day I think I’ll have the energy to actually do stuff and get my house in order. But then the work week starts again, and so does the cycle anew.

And the thing is, this isn’t normal. I didn’t used to be like this. Even when I was only getting like five hours of sleep a night, I’d just need a day or so of rest and then I’d be back at 100%. But now it’s like I’m slow charging, and it’s never enough because I don’t have time for it to be enough. One or two days of sustained activity is enough so that my body wants to shut down for like a week. And it’s not sustainable! It’s very hard to live like this! I can’t keep my house clean or do basically anything else because I feel so drained. This is also why I haven’t written anything of substance in so long; even though writing isn’t a physical activity (aside from the physical activity of typing), it still takes energy, and that’s energy that I just haven’t had. My battery is constantly in the red, yellow at best, and I don’t know what to do about it.

About four or five months ago, when I told my doctor about this, he gave me Antidepressant #2 in an effort to help it. That seemed to work for like, a day or two . . . then I went right back to falling asleep at my desk at work no matter how much I slept the night before. I recently asked him to up the dosage to see if that would help, and he agreed*, but then I discovered that upping the dosage gives me tinnitus, and people on the internet say that after they kept using it despite the tinnitus it got to the point where the tinnitus never went away even after they stopped the medication, so. I’ve decided to stop taking that one and I’m going to try to wean myself off it. I’ll talk to him about that on Monday.

(*He said that he didn’t think that it would help and suggested that I exercise to get more energy instead. Of course, the fatal flaw of that plan is that I don’t have the energy needed to exercise in the first place. Plus, my legs are such shit that even things like jump rope cause my right ankle and left shin to be fucked up for days afterward. He suggested I try yoga, since that’s a low impact exercise, and I’ve got myself a mat to give it a shot, but I don’t have much optimism about it making much of a difference.)

I looked up Chronic Fatigue Syndrome online and it honestly does sound like it fits. I’m constantly exhausted, I have daily headaches (which could be down to my genetics since I do have genetic migraines but still), I often have muscle pain in various parts of my body, etc. But at the same time I’m not sure if it’s actually that or if I’m just overreacting. Like I don’t know what the threshold is, or if I’m like, I don’t know . . . what if I’m just lazy? I don’t think I am, because there are things I genuinely wish I could do that I just don’t have the energy to do. I wish I could take my dog on hikes and long walks. Pre-pandemic, I wanted to do things like go to the art museum or the science center or the zoo. I’d like to do rock climbing, provided my legs could handle that, and so on. But even before the pandemic, I never had the energy on the weekends to actually go out and do those things. I’d want to! But then I’d feel so dead that I couldn’t even get out of bed before late afternoon / evening, much less actually go out to do things. Don’t get me wrong, I do take my dog on short walks at least once a day, usually multiple times a day, because I’d never neglect her needs like that. But it’s not the same as being able to take her out to a trail and explore new areas that would surely be more interesting to her nose than just our neighborhood.

So I don’t think I’m lazy, because I want to do these things, and even smaller things, like I wish that my house could be clean and that I could make all these interior decorating renovations to it, but I just don’t have the energy. But I still don’t know if it’s actually bad enough to be considered Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still don’t know if I’m overreacting. What if this is a level of exhaustion that everyone has, but unlike me they can push through it? What if this is just part of Being Thirty and I’m just too weak to handle it? It’s like how I didn’t know if the pain I felt during my period was normal or not, and I still don’t actually. My gyno gave me the birth control implant to drive my periods down just because I asked for it, she didn’t actually diagnose me with any illness like endometriosis or anything like that. Sure, it felt like machetes were being shoved up into me every month to the point where I’d become incapacitated and sometimes even cry out in pain and sometimes even throw up due to how bad it was, but it could be that way for everyone, right? Maybe that’s just how it feels to have the lining of your uterus shred itself because it’s mad you didn’t get pregnant that month. How am I supposed to know?

There’s no real point to this post. It’s more that I just wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere. I don’t even know where to go from here, really. I don’t think my doctor takes me seriously enough to look into a diagnosis like this, but also I’ve never had luck finding a doctor that does take me seriously and I don’t really know where to start looking. To be fair, I do have an anxiety disorder and so I grant that my mind does find jumping to the Worst Case Scenario to be an easy one, but also the last doctor I had literally would not listen to me describe my breathing problems to her without dismissing me entirely, so. It’s been rough. Of course, even if I did get a diagnosis, it’s not like there’s a treatment, and definitely not a cure. So even if I do have CFS, what can be done about it? It’s not like knowing will solve the issues that it causes in my life. 

I don’t know. There’s no point to this. It just really sucks to be fucking physically exhausted all of the goddamn time, especially since sleep does little to help it and I hate sleeping anyway since I have nightmares at least 75% of the time, if not 85%. (It honestly feels more like 85%. Maybe even 90%. It’s very rare that I wake up having not had at least one or two bad dreams that night.) I just want to have energy. I don’t know what that’s so much to ask of my body.

But anyway, DO NOT reblog this, or I’ll just delete it so the cut leads nowhere anyway and also block you, thank you,

[plumbobbunny]

Hi everyone, January was not a great month for me and my buns. Saturday the 6th was a really happy day, it was the day I brought home a new edition to my little family of two bunnies, a little 7.5 week old Netherland dwarf whom I named Arlo. My bonded pair Peanut (neutered male) and Clover (spayed female) are the absolute loves of my life, Peanut is my emotional support animal and this angel came into my life as I was on the verge of committing suicide after battling with multiple chronic illnesses. I’d been planning on getting another bunny for a few months by that time, and was completely prepared and ready for a new edition. That night bringing him home was as normal as any other night, Arlo was in a separate cage and was busy binkying and exploring his new space, my other two babies had no inkling of a new bunny invading their territory. They were too busy cuddling and munching on fresh hay, acting their completely beautiful selves and I went to bed with no suspicion of the chaos that would await me the next day. Waking up at 8:30am I went straight to my bunnies to check on how Arlo went his first night at home, he was completely fine and happy. I then started to greet Peanut and Clover and started to pat Peanut on his head as he was loafing against the bars (they have a three storey cc cage). In that moment I didn’t really notice anything odd, until Peanut tried to get up but fell back down as he was noticeably weak, he couldn’t move his limbs very well. I completely shut down and in a panic ran to wake my mum up so that we could race to the vet. Mum observed him and freaked out as we both watched him try to get up and then end up laying down looking like he was having a seizure, in a frenzy mum grabbed some scissors to cut apart their cage while I was sobbing trying to reach him through their little door, she finally cut it open and I immediately scooped him up and placed him on my bed as I got dressed while my mum rang our local vet. Unfortunately the vet there today knew nothing about rabbits. I sat in the room with him just crying and holding him as my mum and the vet, receptionists etc rang every vet clinic that was open on a Sunday and knew anything about rabbits. Everybody was closed. We had no choice but to drive to a 24 hour vet hospital 20 minutes away and pray that the vet on staff could help. We got there and they took him straight in, the vet luckily had treated rabbits before but couldn’t tell us exactly what was wrong with him. They gave him fluids and took some blood tests and we had to go home and wait for them to call us in a few hours. Honestly the rest of the day is a blur of tears for me, they rang us back and the blood results showed an extremely high level of lactase and high glucose but other than that everything else was normal, she was pretty worried about the high lactase and was going to retest bloods later on after he’d been on fluids and syringing critical care. We range again at 11pm and then 7am the next day. The lactase went down but he was still paralysed. We drove back to the vet to visit him at 10am and I just burst into tears seeing him like that. He looked so much worse 😢 he was completely still except for his mouth spitting out critical care. I stayed with him for over an hour hugging and kissing him but managed to drag myself back out. We then got a call ten minutes later saying that Peanut had passed away after we left, my whole world just came crashing down around me. It felt like my chest was caving in and that a part of me died with him. On top of losing him, I was hit with a $1600 bill for 24 hours of care. I’m 19 years old, I don’t earn that kind of money from disability pensions, I had to borrow from my parents. Watching Clover grieve her soulmate has been the most heartbreaking experience. She no longer lets me touch her or come near her, she was constantly digging or laying in Peanut’s favourite spot. Peanut would’ve been 2 this coming June, and they had been bonded since he was 8 months old. In between grieving for my best friend, I was constantly worried about Clover. She didn’t stop eating but it was the social aspect I was concerned for. She has always been a very skittish bunny. She has never liked it when people came up to her or picked her up since I got her when she was 6-7 weeks old. Peanut brought her out of her shell, he was a very outgoing bunny and loved when people would pat him and cuddle him. Clover was from a backyard breeder and lived in terrible conditions so that could play a part in it, I took Clover and I also took her sister, Oreo, in September 2014. Watching Clover grieve I came up with the idea, a week after Peanuts death, of going into my local RSPCA and adopting a male bunny so that I could try bonding her again since she thrives so much on bunny company. In came Oregano (now known as Bear). He was an overweight albino mini lop and looked completely miserable. I put him on hold and came back and adopted him the next day. Right from the start I knew something wasn’t right, he didn’t eat much of the veggies I gave him (kale, bok choy, fennel, mint etc) and barely ate any hay. However, his stomach was HUGE! I knew that if he was “overweight” he would at the very least be hooking into the veggies. I took him to the vet after waiting a few days to see if he improved. He didn’t. His poops were smaller than Arlo’s, a 10 week old nethie, and he still wasn’t eating right. The vet felt his tummy and agreed with me that something wasn’t right, it was just hard to tell if he was obstructed or not without X-rays, to start him off she gave him a shot of penicillin (just in case), an opioid shot, intravenous fluids, 0.5ml of ranitidine twice a day to get him moving and some critical care for me to syringe feed him. Well, later that night was a complete disaster. As soon as I got home I gave him the medicine and critical care, my nan was holding him and stroking him for 30-45 minutes while I cleaned out his cage, when I put him back in his cage he went over and ate a pellet and then jumped into his litter box when he started moving his head forwards and back, I knew rabbits don’t have a gag reflex so I immediately panicked as he started making dry retching sounds and dribbling out of his mouth. This was one of the scariest moments of my life seeing him like this, I thought he was dying right in front of me, we ended up driving back to the 24 hour vet because it was the only one open at 9pm. By the time we got there he had stopped gagging and his breathing had returned to normal, they put him on oxygen to be safe and listened to his lungs just in case there was anything that went in. He was given the all clear and to continue his medication and speak to my vet tomorrow morning. Two days later I’m panicked and crying at the emergency vet AGAIN but this time with CLOVER!! I felt a large abscess under her chin yesterday and knew immediately it was dental issues. I had been through this before with two previous buns, one being Oreo. She ended up dying at 1.5 years old from dental issues, so I knew there was going to be a risk that it could be genetics and that Clover could be at risk. Shes 4 this year in August but it’s finally caught up to her 😞 there was a 15% increase in emergency consult prices, altogether it was $320, because it was Australia Day and we ended up getting meloxicam and baytril just to keep her comfortable until we saw our normal vet the next day. As I suspected, Clovers teeth are most likely infected and she needs surgery, possibly multiple surgeries, that cost $1500!!!! Clover had the surgery 5 weeks ago and is doing really well but she’s going to need another one very soon and I have no idea what to do and Bear also cost another $155 to get more fluids, meds, glucose test etc, and is and is going to need an X-ray which she said was a few hundred dollars. All up I’m around 4 grand in debt to my family from vet bills. These bunnies keep me going and I have had no other choice but to start a gofundme. I know right now things are tough, but please please please consider donating, no amount is too little or even sharing this would help. These bunnies keep me going and I just want to be the best bunmum I can be for them. Please consider donating no amount is too little and please reblog so I can get the word around ❤️