#if i keep doing what i'm doing rn maybe i'll start feeling passionate about it later

[wheel-within-a-wheel]

(2/2): What motivates you to succeed?

a wonderful woman who always cheers me on, her name is Mrs. diluc33rpm

[leonsdoll]

puhlease PLEASE a hazel callahan fic takşng place after the movie when hazel thought the kiss was special but PJ is treating her the same so hazel tries to make PJ jealous with y/n but they actually start having feelings (at first passionate) towards each other????????

FEELING'S AREN'T FAKE

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plot: fake dating never works but sometimes it does just in different ways

warnings: light angst, nothing too serious, r is a cheerleader but that doesn't really affect the story!

word count: 1.8k

notes: sorry this took so long to get out but I'm a little burnt out rn! hope you like this anon🫶🏼

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after hazel and PJs kiss, hazel thought that something was there, she tried hanging out more with PJ, but she would just pushed away and end up getting hurt. one lonely night hazel had the bright idea that maybe she could try and make PJ jealous, of course it was a dumb idea but at this point it was all she had.

she opened your contact and sent you a short message proposing the plan

'hey I know it's late but I'm trying to make PJ jealous so I was thinking we could fake date for a while, you down?'

of course she rewrote the message a couple times but when she got it down she nervously pressed send. a half hour later she got your confirmation

'sure, make it simple please I don't wanna waste too much if me time on this'

she smiled at your message excited for tomorrow, trying to go to bed all she could think about was PJ, how she would finally get to be with her, after years of waiting.

you sat on your bed and typed on your computer trying to finish up an essay do tomorrow, but you kept getting distracted by the thought of fake dating hazel, after a long 40 minutes of homework you closed your computer and put on some comfortable clothes. laying in bed you turned over and shut your eyes all of your thoughts just being about hazel

you walked onto school campus and saw hazel sitting on a bench reading something in a small book, 'i wonder what she's reading' you furrowed your brows and started walked over to her, 'hey!' you shouted to her, she quickly looked up and waved at you, you sat down next to her and she closed her little book, 'whatcha reading?' you questioned, 'uhm...she drives me crazy' you nodded, 'okay so what's the plan stan' she chuckled at your lame attempt of a joke and turned her head to you.

'so were just gonna act like we're dating, so hug and flirt and hold hands, all that gross shit, and hopefully PJ will get jealous' she said with a look on her face insinuating she was a very proud of her plan, you nodded and stood back up, 'sounds great to me, I gotta get to class so I'll see you later' you waved and grabbed your bag, 'wait!' hazel said a little too loud, you perked your head up at her, 'shouldn't we go in...together?' she suggested in a nervous tone

'oh shit yeah you're right' you stuck out your hand for her to grab on to, she took your hand and you started walking side by side, you entered the hall and people already turned they're heads to look at you two, I mean it is pretty weird seeing a cheerleader and a total nobody date, you got to hazel's locker and you leaned against against the a near wall, out of the corner of your eyes you saw PJ and Josie walking towards you

'pj and Josie are coming over here' you whispered to hazel, she turned around and shut her locker, a couple seconds later they stood right in front of you, the weird thing is that you had never actually talked to them, so now that you "dating" they're friend you would have to, talking to the girl your crush fake girlfriend is in love with was not on your bucket list. as they started talking you zoned out mid conversation, they talk about such boring stuff, how were you supposed to keep up?

next thing you heard was the loud bell ring, you saw that they had left and now it was just you and hazel, and of course the swarm of students late to class. hazel unexpectedly grabbed your hand and led you through the crowd, you both got to class in time, kinda. the boring school hours past by fast and as soon as you knew it was lunch, you thought you would sit down with your friends like you do everyday, but that was before you were pulled to a table in the corner of the cafeteria with hazel and the rest of the fight club.

as they talked you felt hazel's hand snake around your waist, you felt you face get hot but you continued eating, after an excruciating hour of listening to them talk as hazel moved her hand from your waist, to hips your to shoulder to your thigh, it was finally time to leave you packed everything up and sped out of the cafeteria, hazel catched up to you and walked with you out of school. you both sat down at the same bench from this morning

'so did I do good as a fake girlfriend?' she questioned with a cocky grin on her face, you rolled your eyes and turned your head to face her, sure having her as your fake girlfriend was gonna be nice but what if you catched even more feelings? what if her and PJ actually get together and you're just left alone again. 'you did pretty good' you said leaning against the back of the bench, you smiled and immediately started talking about the rest of the plan.

it has been 2 weeks of the fake dating and it really seemed like PJ didn't care, but tonight there was a big party at Isabel's, hazel thought it was perfect opportunity to make PJ "jealous". you decided to get ready together like a cute couple,hazel wore some simple baggy jeans and a white t-shirt, she almost looked like a frat guy, you chose what you usually wear to party's, nothing to flashy but nothing too simple.

when you got there it was loud and already smelled like BO and alcohol, you sat down on a couch with hazel by your side, she put her arm around your shoulder and you stiffed up, still not used to her touch. almost the whole party you say right there, getting up a couple time's to go to the bathroom, when the party died down, Isabel came out from the kitchen with an empty beer bottle, 'what are we 12!' PJ shouted, you chuckled and sat down next to Josie I'm the big circle of people

Isabel spinned the bottle and it landed on Josie, you could see Isabel blush and Josie had a nervous look on her face as they entered the small downstairs bathroom, after was felt like a life time someone yelled, 'seven minutes is up' you heard the door unlock before Isabel came out with a very visible hickey on her neck, some people gasped and others laughed, they sat back down and now it was Pj's turn, she spinned the empty bottle and it landed on, hazel.

hazel tired to hide her smile and she looked over to you, 'aren't you guys dating?' PJ looked at hazel then you, you opened your mouth to say maybe it was better if she re spinned, but before you could hazel spoke up, 'no it's okay, I mean it's just a dumb kids game right?' hazel looked at you trying to indicate that she really wanted to do this, you looked at the ground for a second before agreeing with her, some guy patted your shoulder and called you a 'chill girlfriend' you let out your best fake laugh and put your knees to your chest

meanwhile the scene of hazel and PJ in the bathroom was to say the least very awkward, 'so do we kiss?' hazel anxiously asked, PJ nodded and moved closer to her trying to make things more natural, hazel cupped PJs face and brought her lips to hers, she finally kissed PJ, after years of waiting she finally did it and she felt, nothing. absolutely nothing, she bearly even kissed back, you got up and told your friends you needed a drink and somehow they believed you, you walked into the kitchen grabbed your purse and left that god awful party, you didn't even think about saying goodbye because if you did you would have to watch them come out of that bathroom and see the start of they're relationship

hazel unlocked the door early and people were confused, 'you have to do seven minutes not three!' Sylvie shouted and people agreed, hazel noticed you weren't there and got worried, 'c'mon guys we're not middle schoolers and where's my girlfriend?' she shouted back, 'oh I think she left' some guy slurred clearly intoxicated, hazel grabbed her phone and said goodbye to everyone and that she was going to find you. what she didn't know was that you were already home by the time she had left, she urgently called you trying to understand where you were so you could talk

after 5 missed calls you finally picked up, 'where are you?' she said through the phone, 'home' you responded dryly, she let out a sigh of relief and started walking to your house still on the phone with you, 'why did you leave?' you thought about actually telling her why but the you remembered you actually dating, 'i was tired' she scoffed as she finally saw your house through the dark, 'open your front door please' she stood waiting impatiently for you, 'are you outside my house?'

you said walking down your stairs, 'yes just please open up it's cold' she hung up, you put your phone down and opened up your front door, you looked hazel up and down and saw no hickey, weird. you moved from the door and she stepped in, she shut the door behind her, you quickly grabbed her hand and took her to your room, she had never actually been in your room, you had been at her house but she'd never been to yours, you closed the door and say down on your bed next to her

'so why do you wanna talk haze?' she sighed and looked you straight in your eyes, 'i don't think I like PJ' she confessed, your eyes widened, had you done this whole plan for nothing, had you hurt yourself...for nothing? 'okay then who do you like? I'm not going to go through this plan another time just with a different person, I really hope you know that' you said in a frustrated tone, she moved closer to you and put her hand on your thigh, 'what the fuck was she doing?' you questioned to yourself

she just responded by crashing her lips with yours, at first you were taken aback, very taken aback, but then you felt how soft her lips were and how passionate and pure this moment was, you quickly kissed back and moved yourself closer to her, she dragged out the kiss for a couple more seconds before pulled away. you couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation, she laughed with you and pulled you into a tight hug.

'i love you' she mumbled into your shoulder, you sighed and kissed the side her neck, 'i love you too' you mumbled back.

[bandzboy]

I've been a stay for 6 years, I've seen all the bad and the good things, and skz have been a really important part of my life. With everything that was going on, I decided to take a break from skz until this whole lose my breath era was over. Now I wanted to come back for their new album, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. It's been months yet nothing has changed, they haven't apologized or addressed any of the concerns, they are still working with zionists. Their lyrics seems so meaningless now, this is from their new song "Head above the clouds, stand tall for the hell of it. Tower over crowds, don't pause 'cause I'm lovin' it. Heavy and I'm proud, backbone never suffering". In the past I would loved this song, but now them saying this while being silent about a genocide and happily working with zionists, just feels wrong. I know that one person leaving won't change anything, but I don't think I can support them anymore. As much as it hurts, it's time to admit that they really don't stand for what they used to.

anon i'm honestly on the same boat as you and tbh your feelings are valid if you decide to unstan it's truly okay bc i get you! truly i've been following everything going on and it's insanely sad that so many stays have been trying their hardest to make them know but all we get is silence. it doesn't help that jype is also trying to silence people too but you know it just sucks because there's no way they haven't seen it at this point there's no way they don't know their fandom is so divided over this ever since the lmb release. i wanna believe they are good people but it just so crazy they keep being tied to zionists or hanging out with them and it feels like a slap in the face every time i am not gonna lie and unfortunately, they aren't the only group that is silent rn and it truly makes me question all the people i stan at the moment and what their intentions are... like i truly sit here and think to myself what the really reality is! i can't be excited about things anymore because of how everything is looking rn. i knew i wasn't gonna tune in for this next skz comeback when the lmb fiasco happened because unfortunately it tainted everything for me and it's sad! i don't know what i'll exactly do either but since i'm so dead set on making things right and to keep pushing it i am sticking around for that because my interest in kpop is kinda slowly going away and it's sad. even tho i want idols to have better working rights and it's something that i will always bring up and, i'm very passionate about you could say, it's hard for me to stay knowing that these people are so comfortable being silent and it hurts to know this was probably the plan all along. the way when people started to bring up celebrities speaking up, people were already not including kpop idols with everyone else like... the group of people that should speak up and i think that was the moment that i realized how wrong everything is like how we expect them to essentially do nothing and not gaf about anything and that's messed up ESPECIALLY coming from groups like skz that have lyrics that are very much about rebellion and fighting back oppressive things and so on and it makes you really think that yeah maybe this whole shit was just a concept to them and they don't bring that into their real life. it just sucks atp i'm just venting i could go on because i have SO MUCH TO SAY i'm just now realizing i've been bottling this all up almost but yeah all of this to say that i truly truly get it and just know you aren't alone when it comes to feeling like this towards groups you stan because it's happening to a lot of people atm

[icedmetaltea]

Welp I just found out I have $700 I have to pay before May 11 for school bc apparently I withdrew after the refund date. I've done that before and never had a fee so idk wtf happened but I made some calls and they said since it wasn't the end of the semester it wasn't even the full amount so it'd probably be higher...

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. This is already after I got denied for ebt twice since I can't work so not only do I have to worry about feeding myself but now I have to worry about going into debt

I can't even begin trying to get on ssi til I can get set up with a doctor and even then I don't know if I'll be eligible bc mental illnesses from what I hear aren't usually "disabled" enough and even if I am it could take months for it to process- if it's even accepted

(tw for suicidal thought stuff)

Suicide is reaaaaaaally starting to feel like a viable option. I've been telling myself it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem but like... my problems aren't temporary. They just keep coming and they just keep getting bigger. Even if they pass, what do I have to live for? All my dreams have fallen through the cracks.

I would never be able to finish college (I'm never signing up for another college class so they can fuck me over again, that's for sure) and even if I did I have no real passions

I'm not strong or smart or attractive or talented. I'm just a burden, a waste of space, someone that will always rely on others... and my parents will die one day, they won't be able to pay for the apartment anymore, I'll go homeless (like maybe my sister could take me in but even she's on ebt these days, the economy is so fucked)

It's not like the world is going to get better anytime soon anyway... it's this or wait for climate change and/or capitalism to kill me off. My dad died of a heart attack mainly due to the stress of work, even if I somehow got my anxiety under control enough to work I'd probably die the same way. What's the point? To be a minimum wage slave the rest of my life? When half the population of my country hates me for being poor? Do you even know how many people don't even think anxiety is real???

Well the feeling of slowly being strangled almost every fucking is very fucking real to me, feeling my ribs clamp down on me, a glass pane in front of my eyes whenever I dissociate, it's gotten to the point where half the time these past few weeks I don't even feel like my body is my own. I talk and it feels distant and foreign.

So yea... rn I'm just trying to hold onto small things. Reading a couple nice books while I can. Listening to nice music while I can. Hanging out with my friends while I can. Because I think soon I may have to leave for good

[philanthropicfeline]

"Another suitcase in another hall" - Andrew Lloyd Webber

*TW: I will be discussing adult scenarios and themes that have happened in my life so fair warning cuz this post is pretty dark and I'm tired of being in my body rn*

Look at me in that image. I'm asking for it. I'm begging as the drool, pools in my mouth. Ravish me till I turn blue...

I'm just flesh and bone

All I am is flesh and bone

Nothing more and nothing less

I'm only needed when I'm needed, never wanted, never more

Discarded when they're finished, scraped hollow, left alone

I was made to be used, all I am is flesh and bone

Not good enough for good things, just enough for temporary thrills

But that's okay, my purpose here is clear

I was meant for others, I was meant to be used

I'm surprisingly happy with being a mere object

Tossed around, only to be found by my next user

I will wear and tear, I will bend and fold,

I won't break, I'm already broken

She doesn't say hi, he doesn't say bye, they don't say hello

She's never said hi, he always waves bye, they don't speak at all

I'm so tired, but I can't be tired, all I am is flesh and bone

Flesh and bone, corrupted flesh, burnt bone

No such thing as pain, ash is my home

Why do I keep making mistakes? Why am I so mean?

I hate hating her, I love loving her, I'm tired of her and her moods

I'm not worth the time, I'm a waste of space;

I'm just flesh and bone...

Listening to this song doesn't seem to be a good idea in my current state of mind. It's clear as day that this song is about sex. I can't help but wonder...is sex all I'll ever be good at? Is that all I'll ever amount to? Is there more to me than sex? Maybe it's deeper than that.

I was in a situation once where 3 girls (myself included) were "sharing" the night with one guy. This chap so happened to take my virginity. I was still new at this "play thing" role, but I was certain that I wanted to gain more experience and have fun. I didn't have as much experience with this like the other 2 girls so I agreed that watching and giving pleasure was more suited for me that night. I watched as the three fell into a trance of love and lust and I was enchanted by the display before me. They had so much fun and I was watching from the side with a smile. What a night that was. But why did I feel so lonely?

The girls said goodnight while I was asked to stay behind and sleep over. "Did you have fun?" he asked. It was more than fun, it was like living a scene straight outta the erotica I've been reading for years. "I really did!" I wagged my tail in content, but something still felt off inside me. I wasn't jealous, seeing the passionate blush glazed over the girls faces was beyond beautiful, I just couldn't figure out if there was something else I wanted.

The lights went out, we went to bed and my eyes were almost shut until he turned around abruptly and gave me a fright.

"Omg I didn't make you cum!!" He said with a sad tone. The sad realization that I was somewhat ignored all night started settling in. He turned on the lights and apologized profusely. I didn't need any of that, I didn't feel any wrong doing but I couldn't tell him that something else was bothering me since I couldn't put my finger on it. Then he pet my head and told me I was a good person.

That was it. All I wanted was the affirmation of my humanity. No pet names, no demeaning terms of endearment. Someone said my name and told me that I was a good person. A person. I was a person, I am one.

Sometimes I lose myself and forget that I'm human. Sometimes I like to provoke others to objectify me up till my beaking point and I convince myself that I'm merely a doll made for people to use, abuse, mark, and ruin; why? Because I'm good at it. I have always been good at it. I was raised in a church and I was raised by corporal punishment. The sting of metal and sharp things are not a new concept.

Humiliation, degradation and insults were part of the package growing up, but being seen as a person was such a foreign idea. There are scars that my heart will never reveal to the world, and there are those who I will forgive, but never forget. People are always bad liars. I used to interpret hellos as "can you do me a favor?" That way of thinking isn't ideal but I was right 99% of the time. A hello would usually mean that someone needs something from you and then toss you aside when they're done. I usually play the game and pretend that I haven't a clue about their intentions but eventually I started timing things out and was disappointed by how short each hello became with every conversation...now I'm wary...

Oh to be on the cycle. My brain hurts. My c*@t is sore. Some of you might just read this and rub one out, whatever. It is what it is.

[borathae]

hey sibi 🕯️💌 i read some of your stuff and it's so amazing! i really like your descriptive ways of writing and how you manage to bring a sense of closeness with the characters (my favourite is aaol). on a scale of 1-10, i want to start writing (preferably jk or rm centric because i connect with them the most) at let's say 4 or 5. it is probably just a phase, i know 🤣but maybe i gain interest sooner or later.

what would you suggest me? and what are some themes that could bring me interaction with the readers? I'll reveal myself once I set up a decent looking blog because I suck at those things

i really admire you a lot 💕

AAAH ANONIE!! I'M SO EXCITED RN!!! YOU WANNA START WRITING?? AAAH YES!! DO IT!! IT'S SO MUCH FUN!!

Also if you really want to have the greatest time writing then write about the stuff you are interested in. Write about the tropes you enjoy and write about them as often as you want to. You wanna write your 20th friends to lovers story? YES DO IT IF THIS IS THE THING WHICH WILL BRING YOU THE MOST JOY!! You wanna post yet another stories about a coffee shop owner falling in love with a cutie? hell yes do it! Writing angst brings you the most joy? then keep doing it!

I genuinely believe that if you write the stuff you love the most, people can feel it in the writing and they will want to engange with it more 🥺 maybe that's just me, but I can always tell when someone genuinely LOVES the stories they post or they solely do it because they think they have to "post a certain trope to get popular"

Also idk, but interaction with you guys is also a really big part for me! So make sure to talk with your readers about the stories and it makes them feel as if their interactions & support are actually appreciated. I've seen so many writers on here post their stories, but then they ignore every single interaction the readers give them and personally? that just makes me not want to read their stuff anymore afjdjf

So my two biggest tips would be to write about the stuff you are passionate about & include the tropes you love the most AND to actually interact with your readership 💜💜

Edit: also goddamn tag your stories correctly. Especially Smut. There is nothing more "instant will not read" to me when I can’t figure out whether the member is the Dom or the sub. And there is nothing more "will not finish and rec" then stumbling over an untagged kink/trope without consent in the middle of reading. So for the love of fucking god, write detailed warnings and fucking include the dynamics.

[tbd99]

entry: 12

I dunno want I wanna write, all I know is that I don't feel good. I feel like I wanna do something with my life, but Idk what to do. I get struck with this burning passion in my heart, only for it to go away a day or two later. I dunno what's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like my life is worth living, that maybe one day I'll be capable of something good, and then another day, I'm back wondering why I'm even here. I'm not good at anything, I don't even know why I try and pursue those little stupid ideas I get. I haven't talked about those bottles of pills in a while but I've sure been thinking about them. Maybe I don't have the balls to do it because I haven't set out a plan. I have so much stuff to hide before I die. I don't want my mother finding the books where I talk about my feelings or the blades on the nightstand or the key to that box under my poster. Maybe I just need to start the preparations. I'm not sure what that'll be. I owe an explanation to one of my friends though. Maybe to my sisters. I don't really think anyone'll care. I started ghosting my friends more. I'm not very pleasant to be around right now. I think my mother is getting annoyed with me rn too. I don't do anything, I get why she'd be annoyed. I learned how to make some sandwiches so I guess she won't have to make food for me anymore. My eye backs have gotten so much worse and I cant even put on a happy act anymore. My mother put on the whiteboard, "Know you are loved!!" and its really sweet but I couldn't even smile at it. I know she cares, she's not a bad mother. Im just not helpable. Therapy didn't work anyway. I wish I was happier for other people's sake, like my mother. I just feel bad she didn't get a good kid like one of my cousins or something. My mother talks to herself a lot because she says she has no one and that I hardly talk. I feel bad about that. I wish I could keep up.

I always wondered if like my mother or father would try to kill themselves if I did. I don't think they would but that's kinda the only thing stopping me. I just want this teenage sadness to stop. Everyone talks about how they were so edgy as a teenager but it stopped when they were an adult. I'm just waiting for my brain to stop being this way. I just wish I wasn't this way. I don't even understand half of the things I write. My brain is so scattered all the time but yet there's nothing in there at the same time. My vision is grey and burly full of noise. I wish I could see the world for what it really is once in a while. I turn 15 soon. Two months from now. I wonder if I should leave before I turn 15. I don't want to celebrate my birthday and act happy. Anyway, it's 11:28am and I haven't had a good night's sleep in ages. I only slept 4 hours. Maybe I'll go lie down again. Goodbye.

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

[cafedanslanuit]

i've been writing since i was 13. i started with naruto fanfiction and when i was 17 i let it go. when i was 19 i decided i had to focus on "real writing" and began writing my own original content.

all i got was boyfriends that said my stories "had too much drama" for them to want to read, family members that said "i was just writing about myself" and friends who would ask why i only wrote about relationship and not "real content". i slowly started getting discouraged.

but then i was 25 and i saw people writing headcanons for mystic messenger. and i said hey, this seems fun! maybe i'll create a sideblog and post a couple of those, since people aren't really going to like what i write so there's no need to create an actual blog lmao.

and here we are now.

thank you for making me believe in myself again by interacting with my writing. i do not lie when i say in my pinned post that writing is the thing i love the most in my entire life and you made me fall in love with my passion all over again.

going through this pandemic while losing my job and having surgery and my mental health going downhill would have been so much worse if i didn't get to read those lovely keysmashes people did on their tags or the long comments they left on ao3. i've gained friends here i'm going to keep for a very long time and i feel so dhdkdjdkd about getting so emotional rn but i never thought people would like what i wrote and seeing things like these just makes me remember i need to believe in myself a little more.

so thank you. from the bottom of my heart. thank you for all the kind messages and the keysmashes and the follows and the likes and just— thank you for making me believe in myself again.

[theplanetprince]

Fanfiction Review

I can already tell this is gonna be super confusing bc I've been writing fic since I was 12 but have since gone through so many identity changes. But let's play anyway!

Thanks for the tag @redead-red

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

My current library is 8. I don't actually write fanfic too often unless a specific idea intrigues me-- or something in the fanon just doesn't line up with me. I do have at least 4ish more stories planned and maybe a revised version of an ancient story from when I was young. 2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

166,451! Pretty neato!

3. How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

Uh, in no specific order,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (lost to purging)

Doctor Who (you ain't gonna find these)

Sonic

NiGHTs into Dreams

Dead by Daylight (<3)

Danny Phantom (my beloathed) Supernatural (my other beloathed)

and uhhhh, I think a bunch of various other video games I can't remember. For the sake of brevity I'm gonna put the rest under the cut.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

This is actually pretty funny bc I have so few fics released. I only get emails for certain ones all the time, so I wrote this part out by guessing, but I ended up not needing to change it. (also, don't read most of these; they're old and bad)

1. Schrodinger's Adolescent, 337 Kudos (Danny Phantom)

2. Teen Years and How to Survive Them, 97 Kudos (Secret Trio)

3. Two Fake Feds Come up the Laneway the other dayyyyyy, 56 Kudos (Letterkenny/Supernatural)

4. Brother's Keeper, 40 Kudos (Halloween, DBD)

5. Beginner's Guide to Destroying the Moon, 37 Kudos (Sonic)

5. Which of your fic do you want more attention for?

I'll be real here, I still enjoy most of the work I did for both Beach House Bummer, and Beginner's Guide to Destroying the Moon. I just wish I got more love for the latter bc I might be inspired to finish it lmao.

6. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really try to! I love the long rambly comments I get on Schrodinger's because I can feel those people are giving me the same passion I put into my work-- Though most of the time I get the generic "post more" or "update plz" which I dunno I'm grateful for the interaction. Still, I don't really want to repeat like "I'm trying my best, dude." about 12 times a day.

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I'll be real I only have two completed fics rn-- but I can tell you I had this one fic that I wrote when I was fourteen where the ninja turtles had to burn down a lab full of half-born mutant embryos, and like I remember writing that and then going to middle school the next day like "They don't know I'm a literary genius."

8. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Probably the Letterkenny/Supernatural crossover-- I feel very strongly about SPN and how people take it way too seriously, so when I found out it was filmed in Canada. It used famous Canadian actors from the show Letterkenny, it felt way too good to pass up. I do hope to write in that space again when I'm feeling less depresso-espresso.

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yeah. It's probably a big reason why you'll never see the tmnt fics for a while. I also used to write a lot of OC stories, and this was back in 2014 so like those were def hit the hardest. I'm glad to say it's like... subsided for the most part. I don't get hate as much as I just get really confusing and creepy comments, which don't hurt my rejection-sensitive-ass as much.

10. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Hahahaha, no.

I am kind of bad at writing it, and I don't really like writing it. Which yeah that makes sense. My friends sometimes when they find out I write fanfic as a joke they'll send me some of the worst examples smut they can find and to test my talent I'll try to rewrite it to make it some kind of titillating-- but alas it just isn't my forte. The cons of being an asexual I guess.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Uh, yes and no? I think I had one of my older fics stolen, retranslated, and then retranslated again to English? That was so long ago tho.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I'd love to give it a shot sometime.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Honestly, it's sonadow. I know it's cringe but I'm free, dammit. Outside of that I guess my favorite dynamic is jock/nerd, which you've probably gleaned from my resume here fhsdkjf.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I've been working on Teen Years and How to Survive them since I was 16, I only started making headway on it when I was 19-- so I feel like that speaks for itself hskjhg.

15. What are your writing strengths?

It's been told to me that I'm very funny and I write convincing dialog that captures a character's voice. Which is extremely flattering despite the fact that I feel like I'm tricking you all.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

probably scenery and landscape, if I'm honest. I also accidentally keep creating scenes just for the dialog instead of action or environment.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think as long as I can guess what they're saying from context clues, and the writer is courteous enough to include body language and the like, then it's mostly harmless. I love including a bunch of references in fic whether it's cultural, historical, or just like a quote from a movie or something so I have a bunch of tabs open regardless it wouldn't be too inconvenient for me to fire up google translate or something.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably Schrodinger's Adolescent, it really opened up a lot of doors for me in the DP fandom and I got to meet a lot of cool people because of it. It really cheered me up from a dark place. And despite me writing it initially out of anger and spite its grown into this soft thing that really means a lot to me.

20. What fic are you most proud of?

Honestly, I can't pick. I'm both embarrassed by them all and yet glad they bring people some form of comfort.

Uhhhh who to tag-- I don't really know

@ten0rreaper is the only one I can think of-- whoever else I guess can have at it. I'm not very good at these things lmao.

[icedmetaltea]

.

I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow... or at least start, it's a 9 hour drive. Considering I can't go 30 mins in a car without a panic attack, I'm guessing I'll have at least 5 a day, and considering even one is traumatizing enough??? I'm gonna fucking die I swear to god

There's still so much to do, so much to pack, so much to clean, dishes to wash, laundry to do... I've barely eaten today and I didn't even notice till now. My stomach hurts but I'm not hungry, couldn't dream of eating rn

I've had this awful choking, lump-in-throat feeling come throughout the day, got really bad this past hour, just been laying in bed trying to not swallow cause whenever I do that makes it worse. I keep coughing, trying to get it out, but nothing helps... I know it's gotta be anxiety but in the back of my brain I'm worried it's asthma, like I've had mild asthma this whole time and just didn't know it and I'm just lucky I haven't died yet

Sure feels like I'll suffocate. People liken it to breathing through a straw and yep I've sure felt that a lot. I also noticed it gets worse when I use perfume so that leads me to think it could be that more...

Nothing is helping today. I've tried staying distracted by playing games but no, ofc it's 70 degrees... is that normal in march?? I don't even know anymore. It's supposed to get to 80 on thursday. My only hope is that the conditioner my parents are lending me will work better than the shitty window fan in literally one room in my apartment.

I don't want to go back there. Realistically I know I have to, I still have a lot of stuff I'd need to throw out before I could move, and if I did move... where?? There's nowhere to go. I could move to an apartment in the state my parents are moving to but they're in the process of moving in and it could take like half a year or longer for them to fully move in, and even then I don't know if they plan to stay there or only go there in a specific season.

My sister isn't that far from the apartment, maybe 20 mins ish, but she works and I don't know her schedule, plus she has kids and will probably not be available most of the time if I have a bad panic attack or there's some kind of emergency

Everything is just so fucked right now. The economy is in shambles, women's rights are getting stripped away more and more every day, we're on the brink of like multiple wars and I'm just trying to get through my last semester and don't know if I can due to all this shit plus my dyscalculia

Even if I do... what then?? I don't have a plan for my future. I would never make it as a therapist. I would never make it as any of my other dream jobs through the years. The only thing I can think of is some computer science job but my eyes cross when trying to do that, I'm the opposite of logic-minded, I really just have no skills or passions or anything to set me apart

And my blood pressure keeps getting high for some reason. I know it's probably the anxiety but what the fuck am I supposed to do about that??? I tried therapy for half a year and it didn't help, might've made it worse bc she kept saying I should just give up and go on disability (which as we know would probably just lead to poverty) I can't get on meds because the ones I've tried make me suicidal (er) and I've tried healthy eating + exercising as much as I can considering I can't do anything more than walking and guess what??? I still have anxiety

I just want to live with my parents forever but even if I did, they're still going to die someday. Everyone I love is going to die and I'm going to be alone and/or abandoned again and again and again. It's be just like danny all over again.

Like genuinely what am I even alive for?? People always say it gets better and sure it does... for a while. Then I end up back at rock bottom. And I always will. Because I'm a failure

[kannra21]

@owishi Asdfghjkhgfds I want to write sum HCs rn! 😆✨✨

~o0o~

After a successful photoshoot the MCPTF duo took for a detective magazine, Haru bashfuly thanked the camera crew for their work and started to gather his belongings. After a couple of seconds he didn't see Daisuke moving much from his spot at the studio backdrop so he decided to check on him.

Daisuke was still standing there, petting a beautiful cat on his shoulders. He was smiling for the first time in a long time and Haru couldn't help himself but to tease him a little.

"You have a soft spot for kittens, huh Kambe?" "Huh?" "You love animals don't you?" "Don't get the wrong idea. Just because I helped that little boy with a dog back the-" "I get it, no need to get so self-defensive." Haru approached the two and pet the cat as well. Daisuke continued "We had a family cat back in the days but she died from a kidney failure." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Pedigree cats are always difficult to maintain."

He then approached the studio producer and asked "What's the name?" while pointing at the purring ball of fluff. "Oh the name's Kumo-" "No, I meant the name of the breed." "It's a Maine Coon my good sir."

Daisuke took his phone, dialed a number and a lovely lady could be heard on the opposite line "Yes, Daisuke-sama?" "Suzue, do we have all the predispositions that satisfy the adoption of a cat?" "I mean yes but we can't charge a butler to take responsibility for everything. Consider chipping, regular visits to the vet, special shampoos, nail clippers, toothbrushes, specialized treats, eye drops, litter box, toys, climbing frames, there are many factors which need to be taken care of Daisuke-sama. Besides, it's been such a long tim-" "Alright"

Daisuke ended the phone call with a dissatisfied sigh before asking quietly "How much?" to which Haru needed to interfere. "Didn't Suzue-san just tell you not to take a cat home?" and Daisuke gave him an annoyed side-glance "I'll figure something out."

When he arrived to the mansion in his Bentley Continental GT, he glanced at the backseat to address the feline comfortably lying in the fancy pet carrier. "You better not make a sound, understood?" to which the cat just purred in satisfaction. Daisuke felt so silly at this moment, like a little boy hiding a broken vase from his mother.

When he was about to enter the mansion, he accidentally walked on Suzue typing something on her tablet. She looked up and was delighted to see Daisuke coming home safe and sound. Daisuke stood at the doors, one side of his body peering from the corner while the other with a cat was hidden behind the wall. "Welcome back Daisuke-sama, the crack-open naengmyeon is already served on the table, you can take your seat." "Actually, I was planning on doing something else beforehand. Would you please excuse me for a moment?" "Of course." Suzue turned around and waited for him in the dining room. And although Daisuke was very good at keeping his serious demeanor, Suzue still noticed that something was off, with the tone of his voice for instance. It was very faint but Suzue was able to recognize things like this since she knew him so well. Still, she decided not to question him about it.

Daisuke entered his room and laid the pet carrier on the floor. Opening the zipper, the cat jumped out and rolled cozily on his bed. Daisuke held his phone and took a picture. He decided that he couldn't leave it by itself so he went downstairs to the storeroom where he took a litter box and filled it with old newspapers just in case.

After that he joined Suzue for lunch, they talked about Daisuke's photoshoot and Suzue's data she collected on certain people regarding a case. Daisuke told her that the magazine will be published in three weeks or so and Suzue was so happy she promised that she'll be the first costumer to buy it. Daisuke smiled more around Suzue after he let go of his past and threw his father into the jail. Now that all the bad things are behind him, he can finally indulge in his life and pay more attention to Suzue to whom he has yet to make up for all she has done for him over the years. He's thinking about marrying her soon.

While they were eating and pleasantly chatting, a high pitched "mrow" could be heard from the upper floor.

"What was that?" Daisuke let out a dry cough and said "My apologies. It seems that I needed to take a thicker coat before leaving for an appointment." "But.. you always pay attention to things like this." "It's true, but today I was a little late, had other things to do." "Don't overwork yourself, you need to think about your health." "Seems like you need to take better care of me.", he said with a smirk plastered on his lips to which Suzue just laughed and replied "You're so spoiled." and he scooted closer to her whispering "But I like it better when you do it.", and almost kissed her before the two heard a soft thud coming from the above.

"Excuse me for a moment, I need to check what's happening up there. Will be right back.", maybe the moment was ruined but he kissed her forehead nonetheless and went upstairs, leaving her full-hearted and all mushy inside. Her mind was so hazed from the thought of Daisuke kissing her forehead and almost kissing her lips that she didn't register the cause of his concern.

When he arrived to his room he had things to behold; scattered papers and documents all over the floor and the ashtray he typically used after his "adventurous nights with Suzue" was lying on the ground right next to the nightstand. The cat was sitting on his working table licking her paw as if nothing of this concerned her in the slightest. Daisuke sighed in disappointment and put her back in her "baby jail". She already gave him such a hard time but he couldn't be angry with her, she was his baby (yes he already considered himself a dad for god's sake).

Since they already finished with their meals, Suzue went back to her tech room to finish her work and Daisuke took the opportunity to place some meat and water on small plates and bring it to his naughty little friend.

The cat calmed down instantly after she ate and went straight to sleep. Daisuke couldn't believe his own eyes, the audacity, the sheer amount of spoilage this creature showed was unreal. It reminded him so much of himself and he smiled a little. He really missed having a cat.

After he cleaned up and finished his other tasks, he laid on the bed next to her and pet her soft white fur, making her purr louder and snuggle up beside him. Daisuke knows that Suzue is not stupid and that she'll eventually catch up on him sneaking behind her back to give Furry Elise treats (yes her name is Furry Elise, "Für Elise" might be one of Beethoven’s best-known piano pieces and Daisuke knows how to play it too).

And it actually happened that same night. Daisuke was about to fill her small plate with more meat when he met Suzue in the kitchen and she asked him what he was doing. He instantly gave up because it would be so blatantly obvious and incredibly stupid of him to say that he was trying out a new weight-losing tip when no one in this god-forsaken world ate raw chicken.

So he took her to his room and showed her Furry Elise. And although the cat purred really loudly upon seeing them, Suzue wasn't happy about it. In fact, she looked really disappointed and Daisuke needed to apologize. He explained her how it happened and how he wished to have a pet after a really long time. He thought she liked cats as well and therefore concluded that it wouldn't be such a big deal to adopt this cute little feline she loved so much, but apparently it was, so he asked her one more time why she was so reluctant to the whole idea of owning a cat again.

Suzue now shredded a couple of tears and Daisuke was seriously alarmed upon seeing her like this so he carefully cupped her with his hand behind her back and hugged her, asking why she was crying all of a sudden.

"It's just.. I don't want to go though this all over again." "What are you talking about?" "You see, my parents died, your parent died, our previous cat died so soon. I'm living in fear every day and asking myself if something's going to happen to you as well, that's why I'm so excessively worrying about you. And everything I need right now is another sweet creature that I love so much leaving us again. I don't think I'd be able to handle it anymore."

"Suzue.. I never thought..", Daisuke kissed her head and felt a big amount of guilt dawning on him. He was so selfish for only thinking about what made him happy without considering Suzue's emotions. But then he reclaimed his mind and tried to concentrate on saying the right thing. Hopefully he can make her feel better again.

"Suzue, my dear, you shouldn't limit yourself to things that make you happy. It's not healthy. You see, none of us is eternal; neither you, nor me, nor this kitten down there looking at you with so much love in her eyes. But for that very reason that none of us is eternal, we should dedicate our time to one another and make most of it. So please don't deny yourself or your feelings. Instead of dwelling on the sad things, we should concentrate more on our time spent together and be happy, okay?"

Even Daisuke didn't know how he managed to word it this nicely but he did and he realized that both of them were crying by now. They shared a passionate kiss but got interrupted by a small furball rubbing on their feet like it wanted to share a hug as well and Suzue smiled through tears.

She squatted and carefully took the cat in her hands. "What's her name?" "Furry Elise." Suzue now needed to laugh so much and she hadn't even recovered from her previous emotional outburst.

"I love it, you're really good at this.. it's.. the song you used to play for me all the time before you went studying overseas."

He looked at her with so much love and adoration at this exact moment.

"Know what? I think I'm falling for you all over again, Mr. Millionaire." Daisuke swore, his heart was full that night and no money could ever compare to this feeling.

@daisuzuship @innovativestruggles @narcopharmacist @unholysoggytea @riaymei @ieatcrumbs @cow-goes-oof @matchabucks @bluegleeful @levi-is-heicho @kakooshi @kokorokai @darknessrxse @fluffyyagiza @geniusmeemee @sungmnnnn @koalarin @alstroemerie @petiamaximoff38 @hellohellokookie @marialenikiforov

It's daisuzu stuff so I hope you enjoy. If you want me to delete your tag you're free to tell me. 👍

[favoritejohn]

+++ I'm sorry for sounding like a mum but sometimes you need to be reminded of the most simple things. I do too and I hope my words left a positive impression. Keep in mind that you're enough, you're beautiful, you're loved and you're of big worth! Okay, I'll leave now! Bye! 🍇💜

Hello, my friend! 💗

I actually wanna start by apologizing for taking soooo long to answer these asks, i’m really bad at keeping track of how much i procrastinate doing things aaah

this is gonna be a long reply, so for anyone not interested in this type of thing, please don’t hesitate to scroll past this! i get that this a johnny only blog, not a val centered one hehe 🍒

first of all, i’m doing (kinda) okay with university! i love going to class, i love what i’m studying, but this is my last year and there are so many things to prepare and to worry about, i feel stressed 24/7 uughh plus i’m thinking of doing a research paper for my dissertation and that is gonna take aaaall next semester to work on, so hopefuly i’ll graduate in July? but maybe October? idk 

the drink/eat part made me smile so wide HAHAH you’re so sweet, i promise i will keep my belly full and myself hydrated hehe (YOU do it too!!) 🍰

insomnia fam,,, i feel like this is one of my biggest problems rn. thing is i’m okay during the day, but the moment my head hits the pillow i get tachycardia and start thinking of all the things i could’ve done better or idk everything i have to do to make sure i have a job after uni is over, so there’s really nothing i can do about it, but i hope yours will get better and you will sleep well :)

reaching out is something i’ve always found hard to do, cause i’m such an emotional person but i can’t seem to ask for help when i need it, i just get overwhelmed by feelings and let them eat me alive dhfds but i’ve recently talked to one of my best friends about this and we agreed on being honest with each other and ask for help whenever we need to! thank you for reminding me it’s okay to be fragile in front of your loved ones :)

toxic people are SUCH a big obstacle in our daily lives istg whenever it happens to me i get so frustrated and sad :(( cutting them off is especially difficult when you have a very deep connection with them, and though it’s hard we have to do it for ourselves and our wellbeing, for sure, i hope you surround yourself with beautiful souls and good vibes (as meme-y as it sounds)

November has been such a hard month for me i’m so glad it’s over haha i only posted 2/3 times? and i wasn’t always satisfied with the outcome so :( (HAPPY DECEMBER THOUGH!!! 🎄)

It was my birthday!! yes, it’s October 21st hehe i’m a whole cusp apparently :) and yes i did spend the week before my birthday in Rome and I absolutely loved it!! there is so much to see and love and i’m so passionate about art and i had been wanting to go for a lifetime so :)) how was your experience there?

the final ask was so cute, you’re so soft oml :(( you do sound like a mom but it’s okay cause i’m a mom friend too so i get it HAHAH and you left such a good impression, thank you so so much for being so kind and worrying about someone you don’t know and reaching out to tell me all these sweet things, you’re seriously amazing!! 💕💕

PS. if you’ve made it till the end THANK YOU ILY and i know this is more of a letter than an answered ask but i tend to do that when i’m soft gjdgjd

thank you again and sorry for the late reply i hope you have an amazing day/night! 🌸

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: hmu when you're out Jimmy: 👌 I'm done Janis: 🤞 how'd it go Jimmy: alright Jimmy: they told me I got it so Janis: really Janis: 👍 well done Janis: that's sorted then Jimmy: tah Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: where are you? Janis: gym Janis: but I'm nearly done Jimmy: I'll meet you there Jimmy: don't matter Janis: sure? Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: gimme a sec Janis: 👍 Janis: what place was this again, what's it like Jimmy: [sends her the deets so she can stalk] Jimmy: Pete'll fit right in when I poach him 💕 Janis: 👌 Janis: dream team back together Jimmy: IKR 😍😍😍 Jimmy: can't wait to tweet him the good news OMG Janis: gonna be so buzzin' babe Janis: not just 'cos he thinks you've forgotten him 💔 Jimmy: poor lad 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: you alright then? Janis: 'course Janis: I didn't have no interview Jimmy: but you didn't have me for a bit Jimmy: sound at least fake gutted Janis: 😭😭😭 Janis: me Janis: how's that? Jimmy: more #goals Jimmy: but not 🥇 Janis: What Janis: how do I win then Jimmy: just show me how much you missed me when I get there Janis: duh Janis: not even a challenge, babe Jimmy: I weren't making one Jimmy: yours is to find somewhere decent to celebrate later Janis: 'course Jimmy: we'll see Jimmy: how you do Janis: oi Janis: when have I ever let you down dickhead Jimmy: I know, it's only the fans Jimmy: a girl from my art class asked when you were like she was hoping I'd dumped you Jimmy: 😭 she was Janis: 😒 Janis: who Jimmy: how would I know? Jimmy: lasses who take art all look the same Janis: true Janis: bit rude she expected me to be there tbh Jimmy: you ain't gonna drop in for your smoothie fix then? Jimmy: I get it, it's no CG 💔 Janis: you know that was fake Janis: but get Pete and we can talk Jimmy: not even a challenge, babe Jimmy: I know he misses me Janis: yeah, no one saying you weren't 🔥 at your job, babe Janis: take that slack Jimmy: the manager was & is Jimmy: but tah Janis: yeah but he's just a prick Janis: and jealous Jimmy: his loss he could've walked in on us more if he'd let me stay Janis: kicking himself if Doris ain't Jimmy: she'll have fucked him up with her 👜 for it Janis: 😂 'least she's ride or die for you babe Jimmy: I'll hit her up on my way to you Jimmy: get the encouragement I need so enthusiasm for you won't be a challenge 💕👵 Janis: thanks 💕 Janis: save on the foreplay when I've got planning to do Jimmy: yeah Janis: actually good job though Janis: give your da something to not be totally 😠 about Jimmy: I'll let you know Jimmy: he's ringing me now Janis: 👌 Janis: real highkey, ian Jimmy: he rang me loads when I was in there too 🙄 Jimmy: hang on Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: [later] Jimmy: you still in the gym? Janis: yeah Janis: you alright Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I'm outside 🚬 Jimmy: no rush like Janis: 👍 Janis: gimme 5 Janis: [is about that 'cos obvs knows, hugs and looking like hey but also you okay] Jimmy: [gives her a nod and a shrug and says 'afternoon' but then hugs for longer than necessary cos that's the real bit] Janis: [keeps hugging and says 'fuck him'] Jimmy: [gives her soft little neck kisses cos love] Janis: [whispers 'proud of you' 'cos is, pulls back eventually but holding his hand] Jimmy: [is a mixture of 😳 & 😢 & 😍] Janis: where d'ya wanna go for now then Jimmy: where do you wanna? Janis: wanna 🚬 and walk for a while longer Jimmy: [lights up for her cos gentlemanly] Janis: start the regime tomorrow 🚭 Janis: [gives him a kiss on the cheek when she takes it] Jimmy: [he wipes the kiss off like she does sometimes but is looking at her like 😍 cos she looks good after the gym] Janis: [proper kiss 'cos why not] Jimmy: you look Jimmy: just so you know Jimmy: [another kiss cos 1. she do and 2. distraction] Janis: if you say sweaty I will hit you 'cos I had a shower and everything Jimmy: not what I'm saying Janis: it's what you're saying with your eyes that's Janis: indecent Jimmy: ? Jimmy: [but looks at her again cos he knows] Janis: such a pisstake, you Jimmy: such a 💔 you Janis: trust, I was 💔 you weren't in time to join me too Jimmy: [is genuinely gutted you can see] Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: adding it to the list of grievances, yeah Ian Jimmy: give it to your true love & maybe she'll bury another ugly tie in the garden Janis: when she's just trying to save you from a fashion faux pas Jimmy: trained her to do that one, yeah Janis: yeah, you got me Janis: passion for fashion Jimmy: [is too forlorn for a lol but she gets a genuine smile] Janis: [frowns a little but then is looking 'round, determined] Janis: no doubt it's all the after-work-sesh dickheads rn but since you'll be back to being one soon, start with an early one, yeah? Jimmy: if you want, pisshead Janis: it's what you want Janis: take full advantage Jimmy: [shrugs but this is obviously gonna happen don't fight it boy] Janis: [raises a brow like 'really?' but doesn't push it, heading off in direction of nearest pub] Jimmy: [handholding 'cause winnie said so] Janis: scale of 1-10 Janis: how hard do you need to be distracted Jimmy: when don't I want you to be at 10 Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: obviously but I said need not want Janis: two very different things Jimmy: how hard do you need to distract me? Jimmy: it's your job you should wanna do it Janis: they indoctrinated you already in the interview alone? Janis: sad Janis: tragic Janis: I'll miss you Jimmy: shut up & piss off Jimmy: not an answer nowt of that Janis: neither was yours, like Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [walking in silence for bit 'cos not tryna push it when it's obvs what's up so] Jimmy: [pulls her to a stop by the hand & then in closer and gives her a really intense kiss as if to say there's your answer, alright] Janis: [nods like okay] Jimmy: [and they walking again ayyy like nothing happened straight into the pub] Janis: [gets the drinks in 'cos it will help #pissheadconfirmed] Jimmy: [is on his phone texting Cass checking in cos he's not gonna go home soz babes] Janis: [back at the table like drink up] Jimmy: [drinks way too much of his drink in a oner considering they ain't doing a challenge rn] Janis: [look that says 'that bad, yeah' and drinks more than she normally would but not as much 'cos sensible without being a downer, like] Jimmy: what do you reckon to my new workplace then Janis: less basic than CG Janis: have hopes that the clientele will be less too Jimmy: I'll let you know Jimmy: & keep it off the 'gram for now Jimmy: sure Mia will stalk hard enough to figure it out but Jimmy: I'm not giving her a headstart Janis: 👍 Janis: bitch needs it Janis: and a defibrilator at the end Janis: but you know, not giving you those kinda kicks, soz babes 😘 Jimmy: maybe the loud tunes will 💀 her Jimmy: you did say she was one hairflip away from a heart attack Janis: can but dream Janis: think it'll be alright though Janis: as jobs go Jimmy: I'll let you have a lie in for the morning so you can crack on with that Janis: 💕 so considerate Janis: I wanna see you though Jimmy: [finishes his drink & goes to get more even though she hasn't yet] Jimmy: I need to see you Jimmy: I ain't going if not Janis: you will Janis: you staying over again yeah Jimmy: you want me to? Janis: 'course Janis: always Jimmy: [brings the drinks over but puts them both on his side cos he wants her to sit on his lap as standard so he's giving her a come here type look] Janis: [know the drill by now even if she gonna play like really okay gurl] Jimmy: [tells her that he missed her in her ear cos he did like idk how long that interview would be cos could be a group one or any kind of shit] Janis: [is playing with the collar of his fancy interview clothes and is all smiley 'cos kinda tickled] Janis: I missed you too Jimmy: [earlobe sauciness & then jaw kisses & finally neck like earlier but not soft this time, just taking his time being hot] Janis: ['Jesus' and drinking more of her drink] Jimmy: [he's just randomly tracing on her leg with his finger like doodling while she drinks] Janis: [looking at what he's doing like she'll be able to see an actual doodle] Janis: always on, babe Jimmy: you know it Jimmy: gimme a request, what do you want me to draw for you Jimmy: on you Janis: you're the creative one Janis: I just sit here and look pretty Janis: hmm [is think] Jimmy: [kissing her same as he did before but going from neck up to her ear instead while she thinks] Janis: well that's very distracting Janis: you should clearly write me one of your world famous sexts Jimmy: [but does though, on her thigh to make it a mood] Janis: [is concentrating hard like a nerd 'cos wants to know, even if it's making it hard to sit still] Jimmy: [goes over some words again if he wants her to figure that particular one out] Janis: [casually can't breathe] Jimmy: [casually just writing a long one cos he can] Janis: you Janis: you're trying to kill me Jimmy: I just wanna make you feel good, baby Jimmy: stay with me here Janis: we're meant to be celebrating you Jimmy: if it's about me I can do what I want Jimmy: & I want to Janis: [shrugs like can't argue with that logic like you wanna] Jimmy: [carries on, like we know he's just shamelessly touching her up at this point soz everyone] Janis: [know she's just up in his neck with all the kissing and biting 'cos trying not to be obvious] Jimmy: [could be forgiven for thinking he's trying to kill her cos just going at this like they aren't in public okay boy] Janis: you really meant everything you wrote Janis: fuck Jimmy: when don't I? Janis: not saying you disappoint Janis: have a job right now Jimmy: 'cause you can't say that right now Jimmy: I'd know you don't mean it Janis: how could you not Janis: you've got your hands right Janis: you can feel Jimmy: [makes a happy noise like yep I can & I'm living for it] Jimmy: you should wear this all the time Janis: you like it? Jimmy: I like how easy it is to do this Jimmy: & you look Jimmy: [kisses any and all exposed skin there is within reach] Janis: You're really not playing today are you Janis: [gripping onto him tighter] Jimmy: Nah, 'cause I'm just really Jimmy: & you're Janis: I know Janis: I Janis: you know I more than like it Jimmy: you love it Jimmy: me Janis: [says it out loud 'cos needs to hear 'scuse how her voice clearly sounds rn everyone] Jimmy: [stops breathing himself for a sec there cos we can all imagine the voice thank you] Jimmy: fuck Jimmy: keep talking Janis: ['what do you want me to say?'] Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: just Jimmy: whatever you can Janis: [trying to have a convo when you're being fucked like you don't need to stop every other second] Jimmy: how are you even Jimmy: I swear you're not real Janis: 'cos you want me to and I wanna make you happy Janis: and you Janis: clearly dreamed you up Jimmy: we've all dreamed this Jimmy: you're so fucking Janis: I dunno if these punters have but they are looking like are we serious right now Jimmy: they'll be thinking about it Jimmy: asleep or awake don't really matter Janis: [says his name in what shoulda been like omg but does not come out like that for obvious reasons] Jimmy: [a kissing moment cos he can't handle how hot she sounds] Janis: [thank god, muffle how much she wants to keep saying your name] Jimmy: Baby Jimmy: you have to type it 'cause I'm not gonna stop Jimmy: but someone will make us if we aren't careful Janis: yeah Janis: shit Janis: okay Janis: being good Jimmy: fuck it Jimmy: what's another pub we can't come back to Jimmy: cross it off the list Janis: you sure Jimmy: do what you want Jimmy: that's what I want Janis: You're just Janis: the way you look at me and touch me makes me feel Jimmy: I know Jimmy: It's alright Jimmy: feel it Jimmy: I do too Janis: you know how close I am to cumming for you then Jimmy: I'm gonna make you right here I know that Jimmy: I don't care about anything else, okay Janis: [nods, biting her lip from the effort of not actually being the loudest bitch ever] Janis: I like you like this Jimmy: [kissing her and taking that lip into his mouth so extra like why you gotta suck on it like that boy stop] Janis: [moaning into his mouth like it's her job] Jimmy: [we'll let her & everyone else have that cos enough of a show happening without ALL the sound effects] Jimmy: I love you Janis: I love you so much baby Jimmy: show me, girl Jimmy: You're so close Jimmy: just Janis: fuck me Janis: I wanna show you everything, Jim Jimmy: start by cumming for me Jimmy: I want that so bad you know Janis: [holding onto his neck for stability but also so she can push his head down slightly so he sees everything when she does] Jimmy: shit Jimmy: alright then Janis: you wanna see, you're gonna get the best view Janis: it's all because of you anyway Jimmy: one day you're gonna take all my compliments, I swear Jimmy: but right now Jimmy: just this Janis: oh Janis: oh my fucking God Jimmy: we can do this all day Jimmy: I'm so comfortable Jimmy: & you're so Janis: Jimmy please Jimmy: you asked so nicely then Jimmy: okay Janis: I can be nice for you Jimmy: let's be nice to each other Jimmy: I want that Janis: [nods 'cos past the point of being cohesive] Janis: so bad Jimmy: kiss me Jimmy: & I'll Janis: [without hesitation] Jimmy: Janis Jimmy: you're really Jimmy: the best girlfriend Janis: for you Janis: you deserve so much Jimmy: you do Janis: you Jimmy: you Janis: [more kissing 'cos] Jimmy: [thank god cos it isn't just her being loud we ever have to worry about] Janis: fuck you're so hard baby Jimmy: I Janis: I need you Janis: real question is what would they rather, that you fuck me right here or if we go to the bathroom to blatantly do it there Jimmy: & my obvious answer is I don't know if I can move Janis: okay you stay really still then Janis: I'll make it happen Jimmy: fuck Janis: [does the thing] Jimmy: [straight up just quietly moans sorry everyone but like] Janis: now you can really feel Janis: this is exactly what you needed, isn't it Jimmy: [says yeah with his own voice moment again sorry everyone about] Janis: shit Janis: [holding his head for eye cotact again 'cos the 😍 are so real] Janis: me too Jimmy: I really love you Janis: show me, boy Jimmy: [obviously does cos does not need any encouragement at this point we're well past it] Janis: ['scuse them everyone] Janis: I actually can't breathe Jimmy: 🚭 tomorrow, yeah? Jimmy: [but is a smug face cos we know] Janis: [tells him to shut up but how much conviction are we managing tbh] Jimmy: [gives her look like I'm doing my best cos both trying not to be loud af rn] Janis: [kissing and then in his ear 'what have you done to me?'] Jimmy: everything I said I would Jimmy: wrote you a warning like Janis: I used to be so Jimmy: tell me Janis: so controlled Janis: but so Janis: bored Jimmy: [whispers 'you're welcome' in her ear and does more of his earlier kissing tricks all about there again] Janis: Baby Jimmy: [more kisses everywhere basically] Jimmy: Janis Janis: Jimmy you're so good Jimmy: you are Jimmy: you're Janis: if you say or do any more Jimmy: [whispers all the compliments and does all the things cos that bitch] Janis: [sorry everyone] Jimmy: [how do they keeping doing & getting away with this lol] Janis: I love you Jimmy: I love you too Jimmy: so much Janis: [is so dead, all snuggly and loved up] Jimmy: [likewise but after a bit hands her her drink cos they blatantly gotta drink up & go after all that] Janis: [down in fresher] Janis: oops Jimmy: [downs his own drink too] Jimmy: let's go Janis: [run lads run but hold hands 'cos soft] Jimmy: [flee the scene but make it cute] Janis: [is loling 'cos young and wild and free] Jimmy: [likewise & also 😍 cos could she look more fucking beautiful rn so cue 📷 artsy boy] Janis: [casually twirling down the street oh lads] Janis: where next? Jimmy: Are you hungry? Janis: [nods] Jimmy: there's your answer then Jimmy: [takes her to a place he likes cos more fussy than her we know] Janis: 🍽 Janis: right emoji Janis: aren't you proud Jimmy: [kisses her on the head like when you do a pat for a pisstake but also love] Janis: 😋 Jimmy: [orders a burger & a pint cos that's always a thing in so many places] Janis: [takes time 'cos when you're hungry but don't know what you want and also still lowkey distracted] Jimmy: [not helping at all by looking at her like] Janis: stop being hot for a second Janis: I'm starving here Jimmy: 🥇 always me Jimmy: soz Jimmy: like you said, never off Janis: well it's very inconsiderate of you Janis: [is grinning tho] Jimmy: [playful footsie] Jimmy: I'd order for you but not very #goals Janis: at least you won't have really pretentious taste like whatshisface Janis: doubledate dickhead Jimmy: let's call him Richard Jimmy: obvious reasons Janis: [lols] Janis: what a time Jimmy: it weren't all bad Janis: nah Janis: you were there how bad could it be Janis: even if my sister also was, not ideal Jimmy: [nudges her like shh don't make me 😳 but is smiley cos ah yeah] Jimmy: pink shirt weren't ideal either Jimmy: but you looked so fucking good Janis: n'awh Janis: you looked adorable 😉 Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: why you couldn't keep your hands off me that, yeah Jimmy: adorable's your REAL type Jimmy: you're only pretending it's dickheads Janis: mhmm Janis: looked so 🤑 Jimmy: [lols] Janis: so gutted you took it back Janis: dress up for me again some time, yeah Janis: [orders] Jimmy: [gestures down at his clothes like excuse you I'm fancy rn] Janis: true Janis: but that ain't for me Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: tomorrow night then Jimmy: I'll think of summat Janis: bold of you to assume you're seeing me again Jimmy: that's how you're dumping me? Jimmy: bit rude Janis: don't worry, know you like more of a show Janis: give you that 'fore I go Jimmy: 👍 Janis: so good to you like that Jimmy: #ultimategoals you Janis: I know babe Janis: miss me when I'm gone Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: [but is looking at her like] Janis: [gives him a kiss] Jimmy: [makes it into more cos feelings & also flashbacks to what they just did] Janis: not getting kicked out of here before food, tah Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: 😇 me Janis: mhmm Janis: all know I'm the bad influence Janis: I'll take the title happily 😈💪 Jimmy: @iantaylor8 with that confession babe Jimmy: #confirmed Janis: 😂 Janis: be all up in those DMs Jimmy: take over his twitter for him too Jimmy: ❌ them potential step mums before they get a foot in the door Jimmy: ✔ any 👵 for me though Janis: so what you're saying is Janis: you want me to be your momager Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I'll do it but I'm scooping up Ian's leftovers and 20% Jimmy: It'll tank your rep but I'm alright with it Janis: I'll keep your secret you keep mine Jimmy: What secrets have I got? Jimmy: open book me Janis: 👵👴 Janis: don't think the fan club would consider that very #goals Jimmy: 'course they would Jimmy: you're young & hot Jimmy: I love you anyway Jimmy: that's well #goals Janis: [is 😳 'cos always but smiling with it 'cos happy rn] Janis: 💕 Jimmy: [kisses her again but soft] Janis: [food arrival saving us all] Jimmy: [attacks it cos hungry af boy] Janis: okay caveman Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: it's your fault I'm starving, girl Janis: 🤤 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: #ohtobeaburgeramirite Jimmy: [lols] Janis: [genuine 😍 'cos her fave sound] Jimmy: [gives her a chip cos that's love bitch] Janis: 💕 Janis: save it for the audience, mate Jimmy: [throws his unused napkin at her] Jimmy: better? Janis: charming Janis: [turns footsie into a kick] Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: 💔 Janis: [rubs her feet up and down his leg] Janis: all better? Jimmy: 👍 Janis: play nice from now on and we won't have a problem yeah Jimmy: you Janis: I'm so nice Janis: ask anyone Jimmy: [lols again] Jimmy: hang on, I'll text my dad to #confirm Janis: he wishes Janis: we ain't there yet Jimmy: gutted for you both Janis: know right Janis: such a delight Janis: why he gotta play hard to get Jimmy: I'd say don't take it personal but it is Jimmy: soz Janis: 💔 Janis: c'est la vie Jimmy: trying to win the french teacher round too? Jimmy: I'll let her know Janis: 😂 Janis: she doesn't entirely hate me Janis: can do it Jimmy: challenge accepted, yeah Janis: write her an apology Janis: large print, obvs Jimmy: better yet come in and deliver it orally like she makes us when we're late Janis: ha Janis: un🍀 Jimmy: what your spanish teacher don't? Jimmy: or are you just 😇 Jimmy: & never late Janis: nah she's 'cool' and 'fit for a teacher' so Janis: clearly you weren't clued in when you were picking Janis: most our class is lads and somehow this hasn't been clocked Jimmy: 💔🎻🎻💔 Jimmy: I'll go see her monday Jimmy: get myself in Janis: err don't need you cramping my style Jimmy: don't worry you can keep all the lads Janis: 🥇 Janis: not worried Jimmy: alright dickhead Jimmy: I'm not fucking seducing every lad in your class to prove I can, like Janis: 😏 Jimmy: [throws some chips at her v mature] Janis: [lobs 'em back, children] Janis: I'm soz boys like me and not you Jimmy: you wish Jimmy: girls like you that's why we started this Janis: nah, they hate me, that's why Janis: get it right Jimmy: Mia's both Jimmy: they can be both Janis: 🙄 Janis: wow she's so complex Jimmy: must have been rigged that posh school not letting her in Janis: her mind Janis: such a genius Jimmy: bet her parents are well proud Janis: probably Janis: her dad is Janis: well ian'd probably like him, from what i've heard Jimmy: I'll invite 'em both round for tea then Janis: 😑 Janis: long as you leave with me Jimmy: not gonna leave with her, am I? Jimmy: be waiting outside the bathroom for half my life Jimmy: #glamorous Janis: sounds like she has bowel problems and you're just really rude Jimmy: 😂 Janis: seriously though Janis: even if you hate me, don't go there, that's the rules Jimmy: what about your sisters? They off limits too? Janis: I already told you that Janis: dickhead Jimmy: all of them? 💔💔💔 Jimmy: alright what about your brothers then? Janis: 😒 Jimmy: [says 'I don't want anyone else, dickhead' but there are kisses between each word like] Janis: yeah Janis: everyone rates us against each other it's just what happens Janis: used to it Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: & I'm serious Janis: alright Janis: [shrugs] Jimmy: [kisses her harder like BELIEVE ME BITCH] Jimmy: I love you, alright Janis: okay okay Janis: you had some chip still in your mouth then Janis: you gross Jimmy: I did it for you 'cause you LOVE sharing Janis: 😑 so funny you Janis: [does smile a bit though] Jimmy: [draws a smiley face with a bigger smile on the back of her hand] Janis: ['such a dork'] Jimmy: 😎 Jimmy: tah Janis: 'course, baby Jimmy: where next, girl Janis: come home with me for a bit Janis: can get changed Janis: come back out later Jimmy: yeah okay Janis: 'cos I ain't getting in anywhere like this Jimmy: if I ruled the world, babe Jimmy: but too northern Jimmy: just a poor boy Janis: 💔💔 Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: bus? Janis: 👍 Janis: I'll get it Janis: treat me when you get paid Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: let's 🚬 we're gonna be stuck on there ages Janis: just the 1 Janis: gonna get serious on you soon 💪 Jimmy: easy to say Jimmy: we'll see Jimmy: [winks] Janis: you know I can, boy Jimmy: ain't backed down from a challenge yet, I get it Janis: the only challenge is how annoying you are, babe Jimmy: 🥈 me Jimmy: you take #1 Janis: [nudges him] Janis: rude Janis: that's where you really shine Jimmy: 🥇 every time, baby Jimmy: [but kisses] Janis: don't sit next to me on this bus Jimmy: now who's rude Janis: 🥇 you said Janis: not gonna disappoint ya Jimmy: just a bit Jimmy: just this once Janis: 💯 or nothing, babe Janis: soz Jimmy: [gets down on his knees really dramatically all 'please disappoint me' cos he's a nerd] Janis: omg Janis: get up right now you massive idiot Jimmy: say yes first Janis: fine whatever Janis: just get up before a crowd gathers Jimmy: I didn't say, 'say fiine whatever first' Janis: you're taking the piss Janis: will leave you here and say it was the real thing Jimmy: you think I won't tell everyone I'm 💍 & you said no Jimmy: be nice to me Janis: I'm saying yes so get up Janis: [puts hand out like boy you better] Jimmy: [gets up, picks her up & carries her away] Janis: you know how bad for my rep you are Jimmy: the rep I gave you Janis: excuse you? Jimmy: it's a question, the one I gave you or the one you had Jimmy: 'cause I ain't soz for fucking up the controlled but bored one any time Janis: Hmm Jimmy: not an answer that Jimmy: if I'm fucking up the one I gave you, that's also bollocks Jimmy: so which one is it Janis: so what you're saying is, you can do no wrong? Janis: interesting 😏 Jimmy: if that's what you heard, I'll have that Janis: idk as long as you're off the ground I ain't arsed really Jimmy: [picks her up again and spins her round] Jimmy: & you Janis: you're having me or your gonna try and make it so I never have to touch the ground again Jimmy: maybe both Jimmy: let's see Janis: [is 😏] Jimmy: [kisses] Janis: what am I gonna do with you, honestly Jimmy: stay with me Janis: 'course Janis: not walking home Jimmy: [🚬 but sharing cos it's a mood] Janis: did you meet any of the people you're gonna be working with then Jimmy: nah Jimmy: throwing me in blind tomorrow Janis: just forward me the deets of the hot ones Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: just the girls, yeah Janis: piss off Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: [is😒] Jimmy: I'm in to open up, you want me to wake you up Jimmy: I know your god's all about the rest then Janis: nah wake me Janis: can go for a run Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: take the 🐶 for me Jimmy: if not on that one, in a bit Janis: yeah sure Janis: she can keep up 👍 Jimmy: I was gonna say tah but Jimmy: piss off instead Janis: 😘 Janis: wanna do lunch? Jimmy: depends is it gonna be 🍱 Janis: 🙄 Janis: LET.IT.GO Janis: are you really gonna turn down a chance to make me something? Jimmy: can't if you're a paying customer Janis: 😂 Janis: that's the spirit Jimmy: not just a pretty face Jimmy: did help me get the job though Janis: [squishes his cheeks] Janis: how exactly do you drop hints you're fit on your CV Jimmy: it's in the hobbies Jimmy: like how you're such an athlete Janis: ahh Janis: and Pete's band Janis: 😎 Janis: I get it 👍 for the tip Jimmy: not that you need it, rich girl Jimmy: but Jimmy: that helpful me Janis: shut up Janis: not like my parents just give me everything Janis: can get a job if I wanna Jimmy: never said you couldn't Jimmy: you just don't have to Jimmy: so why would you Janis: so I can buy things Janis: or save Janis: same reasons as everyone else Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: well you'll be able to write a decent CV now so Janis: tah Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [on ze bus] Jimmy: what we doing tonight then? Jimmy: decided Janis: still thinking Janis: but it's a surprise anyway Jimmy: alright Janis: gotta be something worthy this fair city can offer Jimmy: if you say so Janis: don't put a downer on it 'fore I've even decided, thank you Jimmy: life & soul me Jimmy: [isn't] Janis: what's wrong Jimmy: nowt Jimmy: like I said Janis: okay then Jimmy: just Janis: you can tell me Jimmy: it's bollocks but Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: tomorrow Janis: you nervous? Janis: that's normal ain't it, anyone would be Jimmy: but it ain't normal for your dad to be a massive dickhead about something that's Jimmy: like I said, I don't know Janis: a good thing, yeah Janis: it's his normal Janis: still don't make it right though Janis: what did he say then Jimmy: he just Jimmy: gets in my head Jimmy: [shrugs but we know] Janis: yeah Janis: least he's good at something Janis: [squeezes his shoulder] Jimmy: [puts his head on hers forlornly] Janis: [strokes his hair] Janis: it will be alright Janis: any time away from him Janis: yeah Janis: and I'll be keeping an eye on the dog and kids Janis: no worries Janis: it is a good thing, like you said, any excuse with him init so fuck it Jimmy: & you're coming to see me, yeah Janis: yeah Janis: you want me to, right? Jimmy: I need you to Jimmy: for tomorrow Janis: then I'll be there Jimmy: [kisses her cos she's the best ever good day] Janis: [ily] Jimmy: [snuggles cos why not] Janis: alright now? Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: sorry Janis: nah, don't be Janis: not like I didn't know but Janis: distractions more fun than chatting about it ain't it Jimmy: & I don't wanna put a downer on everything actually Jimmy: that's not Janis: I know Janis: don't worry, honestly Jimmy: I'll be more fun in a bit Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: probably Janis: you've been plenty fun Janis: we really can do whatever you want Janis: that's the whole point Jimmy: I just wanna forget about it Jimmy: him Jimmy: that bollocks Janis: 👍 Janis: let's do that then Janis: easy Jimmy: [cue bus make out session] Janis: you know I'd do a lot worse things than walk your dog and come to lunch with you yeah Jimmy: you offering to kill Ian? Janis: [lols] Janis: exactly Janis: say the word Jimmy: I can't let you, I can't fuck you in prison unless we're married & we already said that's a no go Janis: that's so unfair Janis: who's made up that rule Jimmy: a hopeless romantic maybe Jimmy: fuck knows Jimmy: [is smiling a little bit] Jimmy: so what else would you do? Janis: clearly nothing illegal Janis: although I wouldn't get caught, have some faith Janis: but idk Janis: easy to say anything you needed Janis: but you don't know 'til you have to do you Jimmy: I know, baby Jimmy: you're SUCH an athlete Jimmy: 💕😍 Jimmy: [more genuine smile] Jimmy: I need nowt but you right now Jimmy: & tomorrow Janis: yeah, so don't get on my bad side Janis: w your 📷 neither Janis: done then Jimmy: you don't have a bad side with my 📷 Janis: shh Jimmy: [takes a pic & shows her it like see here's the proof] Jimmy: you don't Janis: you're biased Jimmy: the camera can't be Jimmy: you're so beautiful, alright Janis: [very 😳] Jimmy: [soft kisses on her blushes and just everywhere tbh] Janis: ['Jimmy'] Jimmy: [more kisses cos who doesn't love a name drop] Janis: you really are Janis: nice Janis: you know Jimmy: you're nice to me so I'm nice to you Janis: yeah Janis: it's a deal Jimmy: exactly Jimmy: [more snuggles] Janis: [the look of love] Jimmy: [backacha] Janis: you told Cass you got it Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: she wants to come scope the place Jimmy: see if it's 😎 Janis: 'course Janis: only seal of approval that counts these days Jimmy: I already know she's gonna tell me it's shit Jimmy: whatever she really thinks Janis: 😂 Janis: kids Jimmy: don't let her come with you though Jimmy: not day 1 Janis: 'course not Janis: probably doing loads way cooler things anyway, God Jimmy: course Jimmy: out being #goals with that boy like she invented it instead of us Janis: cheek Janis: you're all about #respectingyourelders tho Janis: 💕 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: that what we're calling it Jimmy: I'll let Doris know Janis: 🤢 Janis: [does the fake vom thing] Jimmy: like I said, so beautiful you Janis: 😂 Janis: even without wrinkles Jimmy: impressive, isn't it? Jimmy: well done, babe Janis: you alright Janis: even though you don't play bass Jimmy: that you know of Jimmy: could've been the best bassist in the north Janis: if you've got hidden talents Janis: why you hiding them from me? 🤔 Jimmy: what are you always going on about, keeping things #fresh Janis: oh I get it Janis: gonna reveal 'em one by one instead Janis: so like you, show-off Jimmy: might do Jimmy: stick around & find out Janis: edge of my seat, babe Janis: [does, 'cos dork] Jimmy: [pulls her off her seat and onto his lap cos it's been what like a whole minute since she was last there lol] Jimmy: got you where I want you then Janis: oh Janis: [cue makeout sesh] Jimmy: kissing you is Jimmy: it's like Janis: please only finish that sentence if you're gonna say something nice or I'll have to go die Jimmy: it's like I'm not breathing when we're not & then you kiss me back & I can Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: just don't die is what I'm saying really Janis: [gives him loads of extra kisses] Janis: don't you either Jimmy: I can't promise that going back to slinging overpriced ☕ won't 💀 me Janis: 🎻 Janis: I'll keep you going Jimmy: promise Janis: promise Janis: [puts hand out[ Jimmy: [same] Janis: don't go dying Janis: make me look bad now Jimmy: easier to just ghost you the standard way Janis: please Janis: like fuck it is Jimmy: don't challenge me Jimmy: I don't actually wanna Janis: shut up then Jimmy: make me then Janis: you ain't getting kisses for that motherfucker Jimmy: you've fucked up on this whole real girlfriend thing Jimmy: I can get kisses whenever I want Jimmy: that's the deal Janis: steady on Janis: not that much of a virgin thanks creep Jimmy: [lols] Janis: been warned about boys like you Jimmy: probably should've listened, girl Janis: nah Janis: [the eye contact] Jimmy: [holds it but then is just shamelessly looking at her lips like is he aware we'll never know] Janis: do it Jimmy: what Janis: you know what Jimmy: say it Janis: why are you so Janis: [still staring] Jimmy: go on Janis: bloody difficult Janis: [but out loud 'kiss me'] Jimmy: [does & it's everything] Janis: why do you have to make me work for it 😏 Jimmy: 'cause you were so bored before Jimmy: no going back Janis: ugh Jimmy: that ain't the reaction a kiss from me deserves Jimmy: [kisses her again & it's even more] Jimmy: try again Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: Janis Janis: [makes noise of frustration] Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: I hate you so much Jimmy: then show me Janis: [biting on love bites and not being soft with her kisses] Jimmy: only that much? Jimmy: come on Janis: [angry noises and grinding her hips into his roughly] Janis: I can't begin to show you how much I hate you here Jimmy: sounds like an excuse to me Jimmy: maybe you just love me so much Jimmy: cute 💕 Janis: don't challenge me Jimmy: it's alright, I know you can't do it Jimmy: [gives her a soft kiss for the pisstake cos that dickhead] Janis: I swear to God Jimmy: do something Jimmy: even if it's drag me off this bus Janis: [presses stop button] Janis: alright then Jimmy: [eye contact until the bus stops] Janis: remember I warned you Jimmy: remember I ignored it Janis: remind yourself Jimmy: I won't need to Jimmy: I'll have all the reminders I need Janis: [getting off the bus like bye bus driver #gutted] Jimmy: [make it more obvious though you two] Janis: come on, can go in here Janis: [at least middle of nowhere means this is almost acceptable] Jimmy: [follows her giving her such a look] Janis: ['stop looking at me like that'] Jimmy: [doesn't] Janis: [comes up and puts her hands over his eyes which would blatantly devolve into sexy playfight] Jimmy: I let you win Janis: Well, I might let you cum as well, if you do what I want Jimmy: [asks her what she wants out loud] Janis: [pushes him on his knees like he was earlier] Janis: don't disappoint me Jimmy: no challenge in that but I accept Janis: stop talking Jimmy: [does the lock & key thing over his mouth cos still a nerd but then it's all business] Janis: [keeping his head in place and moving him as necessary, 'good boy'] Jimmy: [has one job rn & you know he's doing it 👍] Janis: ['stop'] Jimmy: [obviously does & has a bemused look on his face like okay what now] Janis: ['okay get up' and then starts walking] Jimmy: [just following all these instructions bless him] Janis: [when she realizes he ain't said nothing 'you can talk again, if you want to, by the way'] Jimmy: tah Jimmy: see how I feel Jimmy: might do, might not do Janis: your prerogative either way Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [is 🚬] Jimmy: [lights up too cos yolo] Janis: reall should hit up the ginger Janis: y* Jimmy: remind me on monday Jimmy: busy day tomorrow Janis: 👍 Jimmy: forgot her name again Jimmy: hope she likes the one I give her Janis: no doubt Janis: it's your forte Jimmy: 💕 Janis: wonder who she's with Janis: what cult, like Jimmy: I'll let you know Jimmy: hope the colour suits me Janis: 🤞 Jimmy: what am I on about, 'course it will Jimmy: what colour don't Janis: thank christ, 'cos you still ain't allowed to kill yourself so Janis: have fun getting outta the mass suicide Jimmy: I'll get creative Jimmy: artist like so Janis: going above and beyond for that A Jimmy: nerd, me Jimmy: you're always chatting that Janis: you usually disagree Jimmy: maybe in that one class you've got a point Jimmy: [shrugs] Janis: [shrugs back] Jimmy: [casually blowing smoke rings & generally pissing about] Janis: how'd'ya do that then Jimmy: [shows her] Janis: I'll practice Jimmy: it won't take much Jimmy: nowt hard about it Janis: how long you smoked Jimmy: since my mum left Jimmy: found a pack in her stuff Janis: [nods] Jimmy: you? Janis: I mean I don't Janis: but I guess the first time I tried it would've been Janis: idek, young, tryna hang with the older kids, you know how it is Jimmy: hate to be that dickhead but you are right now Jimmy: you do Janis: yeah but only when you're about Janis: it ain't the same Jimmy: it ain't no different Jimmy: you're still doing it Janis: not a habit though Janis: what does it matter anyway Jimmy: [shrugs again] Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: what's your issue Janis: what's yours Jimmy: not an answer Janis: [shrugs] Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: let's leave it yeah Janis: we don't need this today Jimmy: leave what Jimmy: what's wrong? Janis: I don't know Jimmy: what did I do? Janis: nothing Janis: it's not you Jimmy: that's the shit that gets said when it is you though Janis: it's the shit that gets said when I don't wanna talk about it Janis: dunno how Janis: I'm sorry Janis: forget it happened Jimmy: how? Jimmy: proper question Janis: easy Janis: just rewind, what were we talking about before it went shit and weird Jimmy: scroll up Jimmy: I don't know Janis: we could just start over now Jimmy: go on then Janis: why me Jimmy: you wanna Jimmy: your idea Janis: no point if you don't let's just Janis: walk Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [awkward silence] Jimmy: [smoking like it's his job] Janis: this is stupid isn't it Jimmy: I ain't gonna make you chat to me if you don't want to Janis: it was you who said you didn't want to Jimmy: I never Janis: yes you did Janis: literally gave it 👍 Jimmy: spouting bollocks like nowt's wrong ain't chatting Janis: that's all chatting is Janis: ask anyone Jimmy: I don't wanna chat to anyone else I wanna chat to you Jimmy: & you know how I feel about that shit, I've said it Janis: I can't be real right now Jimmy: then don't Jimmy: I ain't asked you to fill no silences Jimmy: just leave it out Janis: fine Jimmy: 👌 Janis: you should still stay at ours Janis: get a decent night's sleep Jimmy: I weren't thinking of staying nowhere else Jimmy: now I am Janis: well don't Janis: just said you should stay Jimmy: nah you said I should 'still' Jimmy: that means you don't want me to but Janis: It means even though I can't Janis: I don't know Janis: function Janis: right now Janis: I still want you to stay Jimmy: you really think I would leave you Jimmy: like this Janis: don't be dramatic about it though Janis: I'm fine I just needto Jimmy: what Janis: go Janis: just mentally just for like an hour or something Janis: I need to not be here Jimmy: do it then Janis: but Janis: it's mental Janis: and you need me right now and there's no time for this to get in the way and Jimmy: I need you all the time, it makes no difference Janis: that's the problem Jimmy: not the first time I've been or been called that Jimmy: so like I said Janis: not you, not what I meant Jimmy: it's what you said Jimmy: so listen to what I'm saying Janis: you don't get it Jimmy: I get checking out Jimmy: been there, done it Jimmy: so go Janis: I fucking can't Jimmy: bollocks can't you Janis: I can't it don't work no more Jimmy: what will? Jimmy: do that instead Janis: I don't know Janis: if I knew we wouldn't be here Jimmy: where the fuck are we? Janis: I'm scared Janis: all the time Jimmy: why? Jimmy: what is it? Janis: you've broken it and I can't do it anymore and that's okay like nearly all of time because you're here but sometimes you aren't and then one day you won't be and what do I do if I still can't do it then 'cos it's just going to be even worse and I can't Jimmy: [holds onto her] Jimmy: I'm here Jimmy: & I'm not going anywhere Janis: but you will Janis: it's a stupid promise to even have to make Janis: people leave, end of Jimmy: I won't Jimmy: I love you so it's an easy promise, alright Janis: you were joking but you really did fuck up all the control I had Janis: now I don't know what I have, that was it Jimmy: you've got me Jimmy: this Janis: it's Janis: terrifying, I told you Jimmy: 'cause it's real Jimmy: you think that control wasn't just all bollocks Jimmy: you have something to lose now Jimmy: so do I Jimmy: but we're not gonna, okay Jimmy: just win Jimmy: that's it Janis: 'course it was but it was Janis: easy Janis: and no one could get hurt but me Janis: I don't care about me but I do about you Janis: so much Janis: too much Jimmy: it was safe but you are with me Jimmy: & I am with you Jimmy: I trust you, you know that Janis: I trust you Janis: but I don't know why you trust me when I'm this Janis: and have been this so many times already Jimmy: what am I if not that too? Janis: no Janis: you're better Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: I'm scared, I'm fucked up, I'm everything you reckon you are Jimmy: it's doing shit anyway that's what's better Jimmy: keeping this anyway Jimmy: we can be the ones who don't leave Janis: yeah? Jimmy: remember, we're not gonna ruin it Jimmy: you said Janis: I know Janis: it's easy to say things though Jimmy: let me show you how easy it is to do then Jimmy: just come with me Jimmy: keep going Jimmy: & I'll prove it Janis: [nods] Janis: okay Jimmy: [takes her hand so they can keep walking how symbolic boy] Janis: you know I love you Jimmy: [nods] Janis: good Jimmy: you know you can tell me anything, yeah? Jimmy: or nowt Jimmy: if that's what you want Janis: I know I wish I could Janis: sometimes Janis: then other times I wish I never had to speak about any of it again Jimmy: have it either way, I mean it Jimmy: I'm still here Janis: I know Janis: same for you Jimmy: I'm sorry for being a dickhead Janis: when Janis: actual question, not a diss Jimmy: at any point Janis: I like it Janis: you Janis: I like you Jimmy: yeah but if you didn't like me any time from when we got off the bus til now 'cause I was being a dickhead then, that's alright Jimmy: & I'm sorry Janis: you weren't though Janis: seriously Jimmy: I could've been Jimmy: we don't know when it got weird Janis: I do but I don't wanna Janis: it's okay Janis: actually was not you Jimmy: okay Janis: I promise, yeah Jimmy: [picks her up so he can hold her & walk at the same time] Jimmy: I love you Janis: I love you Janis: but if you make me cry I am gonna have to die sorry Janis: don't make the rules Jimmy: don't count if I'm not looking Jimmy: very focused right now me Janis: nah, I don't, I can't Janis: but I'm pleased you're taking your job here seriously Jimmy: when we get to yours I'll throw an onion at you or whatever Jimmy: we can make it work Janis: [actual little lol] Janis: you're silly Jimmy: you're heavy Janis: bit rude but Janis: [hops down] Jimmy: Oi, I'm trying to take my job here seriously Jimmy: come back Janis: I don't want to permanently injure you Janis: not paying off that claim, soz Jimmy: 1. have some faith please Jimmy: 2. gimme that get out of work excuse tah Janis: 1. I do but apparently am size of whale so Janis: 2. you already owe me dinner so Janis: 3. soz x2 Jimmy: 1. piss off/shut up Jimmy: 2. I ain't that close to the breadline calm down Janis: 1. but I ain't even filling silences rn rude Janis: 2. have you seen me? clearly can put it away Jimmy: eat as much coal as you want, babe Jimmy: delicious & nutritious Janis: don't people like Mia actually do that Jimmy: do they? Jimmy: what the fuck Janis: maybe I've got the wrong thing Janis: like pumping your stomach at home though, when you think about it Jimmy: serious question, do you think she knows the calories of cum in case of emergencies Jimmy: tweet her Janis: [snorts] Janis: I have no doubt Janis: sure Gracie has tried to tell me before Jimmy: I doubt she's putting anything in her mouth but their skulls at the end but Jimmy: gotta be prepared Janis: bet she was actually in the guides Janis: any chance to feel like head bitch Jimmy: you ain't talking to her but I'm gonna need to quiz Grace as #1 bestie for life Janis: she ain't talking to me Jimmy: ain't that same difference Jimmy: or is it like that girl code bollocks again Janis: it's completely different Janis: I ain't never talked to her that's the same as ever Janis: she was always chatting shit to me though Jimmy: back chatting it to Mia again instead Jimmy: what a step down Jimmy: bet she's a riveting girl to have a convo with Janis: clearly they've got enough in common Jimmy: how long do you seriously reckon before I'm serving them all iced coffees again? Janis: if it's tomorrow I will have to leave Jimmy: if it's tomorrow I'll have to 💀 Jimmy: I know it's breaking my promise but Janis: understandable Jimmy: I'll keep the one where I'm a ghost fucking you though Janis: 💕 Janis: you say the sweetest things Jimmy: #maybeIwasthelastofthegreatromanticsallalong Jimmy: #plottwist Jimmy: #Ionlythoughtitwasyou Janis: not gonna say I #calledit but Janis: so soft, you Jimmy: you fucked up there Jimmy: you meant hard Jimmy: 💪 Janis: only when you're fucking me from beyond the grave Jimmy: [lols] Jimmy: who says the sweetest things really though 💕😍 Janis: when I stopped you Janis: earlier, you know Janis: it wasn't 'cos of you Janis: or 'cos I even wanted to Janis: I just wanted to prove to myself I still had control Janis: how stupid is that Janis: but you should know that, I don't want you reckoning you did anything Janis: and the more I'm thinking on it the more I realize that was kinda a fucked thing to do to you too so Janis: sorry as well Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: & it's not stupid Jimmy: things have changed for me too 'cause of you Jimmy: neither of us were expecting nowt like this to happen Janis: yeah Janis: seriously Jimmy: It's alright you know Jimmy: to be scared Jimmy: to wanna go back Janis: I don't Janis: this is better in every way Janis: it's the idea of having to go back after Jimmy: Baby Jimmy: you don't have to Jimmy: I told you, I'm not leaving Janis: [nods] Jimmy: [kisses her the way he did earlier like believe me bitch & repeats it out loud with eye contact like am I lying, no] Janis: [the most intense kissing ever] Jimmy: [breathlessly says 'there's nowt I wouldn't do for you, tell me how to prove it & I will' with more intense eye contact] Janis: ['you don't have to..you have, you are'] Jimmy: [more of the most intense kissing ever] Janis: [keeps saying 'I'm sorry' over and over 'cos so shamed] Jimmy: [keeps saying ILY to try and cancel it out cos don't be] Janis: [let her gain some composure so they can go back to Cali's] Janis: okay, I'm ready Jimmy: [handholding & walking] Janis: you ain't gonna worry about me are you Janis: tomorrow Janis: you gotta focus Jimmy: I'm gonna think about you Jimmy: but that's just part of the deal Janis: no more than usual and that's alright Jimmy: easy to say when you don't know how much I think about you usually Janis: Babe Jimmy: It's alright, I want you in my head all the time Jimmy: better than him being Janis: [squeezes his hand] Janis: not much of a compliment but I'll take it Jimmy: that's a first Janis: ['shh' and pushing into him, gently tho] Jimmy: tomorrow Jimmy: you can stay as long as you want Jimmy: you know Janis: Yeah Janis: not trying to distract you though Jimmy: I don't have to focus to make a cappuccino Jimmy: or nowt else on the menu Jimmy: stay Jimmy: not 'cause I'm worried just 'cause Jimmy: I want you to Janis: okay Janis: after I've walked the loml, of course Jimmy: course Jimmy: #priorities Janis: bring her in for a babyccino Jimmy: [rolls his eyes but not in a shady way] Jimmy: this is the girlfriend I've got Janis: Twix? Janis: Knew you loved her really Janis: it's mutual Jimmy: you wish, dickhead Jimmy: she ain't sleeping in our bed Janis: we barely fit so I don't reckon she'd wanna Jimmy: you'd really let that stop either of you, would you? Jimmy: I don't reckon Janis: nah Janis: it's the only time I get you properly alone Janis: not gonna share, soz Jimmy: you can have me anywhere Jimmy: don't worry about that Janis: yeah but everyone else is always around too Janis: know how I feel about other people Jimmy: you want alone time, I'll find it for us Jimmy: we can bin school off for a start Janis: yeah Janis: just not tuesday Janis: cheerleading duties, remember Jimmy: I ain't forgotten Jimmy: big plans Jimmy: 💙 Janis: love you dork Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: I'm too 😎 for school Jimmy: & you Janis: 😏 Janis: k babes Jimmy: never type that to me again Jimmy: I thought your sister had entered the chat Jimmy: shit myself Janis: 😂 Janis: not the sister you were planning on next I take it Jimmy: she's bottom of my list Jimmy: rather fuck your dickhead brother over her Janis: lucky/shame I ain't talking to her to say 💔 Janis: can let Pablo know he's well in though 👍 Jimmy: if you wanna use that as a ice breaker with her, go on Jimmy: & yeah pass my number on once I've done the top of the list, tah Janis: meant to work your way up, you know Jimmy: if I start at the top & have enough fun I don't need to bother with the bottom though Janis: not just a pretty face, you, I remember Jimmy: exactly Jimmy: always on too, remember Janis: yeah Janis: memories not that bad Janis: soz babe Jimmy: plenty of time for you to go downhill Jimmy: not worried Janis: I'm gonna age like fine wine just to piss you off Jimmy: [lols] Janis: [smiling 'cos forever fave] Jimmy: let's stay in Janis: yeah? Janis: you sure Jimmy: don't you want to? Janis: no, I was just thinking, whatever you want Janis: don't feel like we can't go somewhere 'cos I've had a wobble like Jimmy: I don't feel like that Janis: well you know I want alone time so Jimmy: you can have it then Janis: [kisses his cheek] Janis: you gotta be well-rested anyway Jimmy: [wipes it off but is smiling too] Jimmy: you saying I can't handle my drink? Jimmy: bit rude coming from you Janis: I'm saying straight to bed for you Jimmy: keeping it 👵💕 for me, yeah Jimmy: appreciate that Janis: duh Janis: know you so well Jimmy: 👍 Janis: my Dad'll probably wanna cook you something Janis: he's extra like that Jimmy: alright by me Jimmy: long as you tell me what it is Jimmy: before I put it in my mouth Janis: 😂 Janis: okay deal Jimmy: [puts his hand out] Janis: [shakes but plls him in for snugs too] Jimmy: [a soft moment] Janis: [ily] Jimmy: I know Janis: sound more enthused 😏 Jimmy: [kisses her and repeats the I know out loud] Janis: Better Jimmy: [kisses her again to do even better] Janis: 😍 Janis: okay, you're the best Jimmy: you Janis: ['you'] Jimmy: [more soft snuggles for another moment] Janis: [stroking his cheek and look of love always] Janis: okay, let's move or we'll die here Jimmy: [more walking & handholding cos gotta get somewhere] Janis: thanks for not freaking out back there Jimmy: you've never at me Jimmy: my bollocks Jimmy: so I weren't gonna do that to you Janis: guess you're just pretty normie, yeah Janis: [shoulder nudge] Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: [nudges her back] Janis: it's okay, you'll always be a weirdo to me 💕 Jimmy: tah nerd 💕 Janis: soz can't hear you 😎 Jimmy: [says 'I said, tah you massive nerd' in her ear] Janis: [lols 'cos tickles and be more of a nerd yourself babe] Jimmy: [is 😍 cos she's so cute] Janis: how do you exist Janis: still think you're not real tbh Jimmy: I've actually been a ghost this whole time Jimmy: surprise Janis: [snorts] Janis: okay, actual decent plottwist babe Jimmy: nobody else can see me & you've looked fucking mental this whole time Janis: ugh Janis: well fuck you very much, casper Jimmy: it's why they're all chatting shit about you, didn't wanna do a dramatic reveal like this but Janis: well yeah, I would be too if someone was having that enthusiastic a wank in the toilets, like Janis: no coming back from this, honestly Jimmy: [lols again] Janis: not even like you're a cool vampire boyfriend so you can turn me too now you've fucked my life Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: who's your money on for sparkly vampire of our school then Janis: I need to know asap Jimmy: Mia obviously Jimmy: never eats Jimmy: looks 1000 years old Janis: shit Janis: you have a point and I'm so Jimmy: you've really fucked yourself for immortal life, girl Jimmy: stuck with the 👻 Janis: 's alright Janis: gone off the idea Janis: already sick of her, I can't do forever Janis: breaking her cold dead 💔 Jimmy: gutted Jimmy: you'd make a good vampire Jimmy: always biting already you Janis: [😳] Janis: shut up Janis: you like it Jimmy: do you want me to shut up or tell you how much I like it? Jimmy: can't do both Janis: just don't lie Jimmy: I don't Janis: good Jimmy: 👍 Janis: you do though, don't you Jimmy: I just said Jimmy: what are you on about? Janis: like it, I mean Janis: you'd say if you didn't Jimmy: course Jimmy: but you'd be able to tell anyway Janis: yeah Janis: 'course Jimmy: I'd be there like Jimmy: [does a grumpy face] Janis: I mean Janis: that is adorable but I can piss you off in so many different ways outside the bedroom so Jimmy: just Jimmy: don't second guess yourself, alright Jimmy: there's no need Janis: okay Janis: good Janis: 'cos you gotta tell me, I can't be going out into the world with no skills Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: you know you've got skills Jimmy: you're so fucking good Janis: you can shh now Jimmy: you can't fish for compliments if you won't take 'em Jimmy: bit rude Janis: I wasn't fishing for fucking compliments 😑 Janis: shut up Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: & just take 'em Janis: [let's say they there and she walking inside like boy bye] Jimmy: really Jimmy: 👌 Janis: yeah Janis: come find me when you're gonna be nice again Jimmy: you come find me when you work out I were being Janis: sure Janis: calling me an attention seeker is dead nice Jimmy: I didn't Janis: 👌 Janis: did though so Jimmy: you know that ain't what I meant or what I think Janis: whatever Jimmy: do you know that or not? Janis: it don't matter then Jimmy: that's not an answer to a yes or no question Janis: just come find me Jimmy: just gimme your answer Janis: well I don't know Janis: I hadn't thought about it 'til you said it so Jimmy: either I'm that dickhead or I'm not so Janis: you said you ain't so you ain't Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: I can say owt I want Jimmy: what are you saying Janis: why'd you have to say it like that Janis: dickhead Janis: but I guess I know you didn't mean it Janis: I mean, I believe you Jimmy: why do you have to take it like that Jimmy: you're a dickhead Jimmy: can't take a compliment but you'll grab all the insults that ain't there Janis: erm how do you want me to take 'fishing for compliments' exactly Jimmy: how I meant it Jimmy: only pissing about Janis: fine Janis: whatever just forget about it Jimmy: stop telling me to forget about everything Janis: well I don't wanna talk about it now it's pointless Jimmy: then just say that Janis: well you know that's what I meant so now you're just being pedantic for the sake of Jimmy: & you're using fancy words for the sake of, rich girl Janis: please Jimmy: what are you trying to start a fight with me for? Janis: I ain't Janis: sorry I didn't find it funny alright Janis: come on Jimmy: you come on Jimmy: I don't live here Jimmy: I ain't just chasing around like I do Janis: really Jimmy: taking issue with that too now? Janis: yeah because you want me to Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: I want you to come back Janis: youcan't just drop it you have to keep going Jimmy: what Janis: I don't make you chase me 'round Janis: that's bullshit Jimmy: you're literally telling me to right now Janis: I'm telling you to come to my room Janis: you know where it is Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [arrives] Janis: ['hey'] Jimmy: [just sits on the end of her bed like] Janis: you not talking to me Jimmy: are you gonna keep talking owt I say the wrong way Janis: [sighs but real not in a passive-aggressive way] Janis: I can't help how I take shit any more than you can help how you say it Janis: I can't say any more than I believe that you didn't mean it, alright Janis: it's too late to not misunderstand, yeah Jimmy: alright Janis: actual alright or shut the fuck up alright Jimmy: alright like I want it to be Jimmy: so just come sit with me Janis: [does, puts her head on his shoulder] Janis: why's it so hard sometimes Jimmy: [plays with her hair cos fave] Jimmy: I told you, I'm fucked up like you reckon you are Janis: reckon Janis: how are you reckoning any different, boy Jimmy: 'Cause Jimmy: I just do Janis: [lols but obvs not a happy one] Janis: sweet Jimmy: you're loads of things to me Jimmy: fucked up ain't one Jimmy: my ex was, I am Jimmy: you're Jimmy: that ain't how I see you Janis: not gonna argue about this as well Janis: I don't want to Janis: I am but if you wanna think otherwise then that's alright with me Jimmy: what do you want then Janis: just Janis: be with each other Janis: normal Jimmy: [snuggles] Janis: ['I'm sorry, again'] Jimmy: ['me too'] Janis: [saying things like 'it's okay, we're okay' over and over but also asking as well as telling, like] Jimmy: [all the reassuring touches & nods and 'yeahs'] Janis: [they both need so much reassuring bye] Janis: I love you so much Jimmy: [says it out loud for her] Janis: [casual desperate kissing 'cos you overwhelmed[ Jimmy: [we know that'd go on for a while] Janis: [also says it out loud] Jimmy: [just doing the whole trying to pull her closer thing the whole time cos clingy af] Janis: ['stay'] Jimmy: ['I promise']

[basketghost]

i also didn’t know i experienced childhood trauma until relatively recently. my panic disorder and other mental issues started as soon as i didn’t have to see my abuser (grandfather) anymore but obviously i didn’t know i was experiencing trauma from ages 4-11 so when i tried to look into what could be causing the panic attacks (~13) and particularly dissociation i was really confused and frustrated when it all boiled down to trauma because i didn’t think i had experienced any trauma like i hadn’t almost died or been physically abused. all those times with my grandpa never registered as traumatic to me i just thought he was kinda an asshole. but fast forward a decade and i stumble into therapy again and happen to get a therapist training in trauma reprocessing and EMDR. it took a long time to convince me because i had fully bought into the whole ‘chemical imbalance i was born with a broken brain’ narrative, but eventually we went through enough of my past and brought back some seriously repressed memories and i was able to kind of distance myself from it actually being my childhood and think ‘wow if i saw literally any other child being treated like this i’d at least think it’s fucked up but would probably end up kicking this dudes ass!’. and since that discovery a couple of years ago i’ve continuously remembered more and more little events and things i was told that i internalized that have really put my mental struggles into perspective. i was a poor defenseless kid with existing yet undiagnosed conditions that affect communication and emotional regulation that was being berated, sworn at, guilted, and threatened on a daily basis. of course i couldn’t do anything but try and survive to the next day. of course my brain would develop a maladaptive fear response to those in power over me or even those in close social groups like family is supposed to be. i still struggle daily and i haven’t really gone a day in my life without the ‘just make it to tomorrow’ mentality but reprocessing my childhood definitely helped me put those struggles into perspective and has transformed my everlasting journey towards getting better from one of heavy self-criticism and frustration with inadequacy to a sort of gentle compassionate healing that has allowed much more room for joy and passion over fear and avoidance. thanks for letting me literally trauma dump lol, i do hope some perspective helps though and this at least makes you feel less bad about sharing your story in your tags. stay strong friend :)

God, I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad you've been able to process some of it and come out for the better. ❤️ It really does help, knowing someone else out there is having a similar experience of the hit show "I Didn't Know I Was Traumatized." And when you said the thing about being fully bought into the "chemical imbalance broken brain" thing, I absolutely have too, and so have my parents, and they absolutely use it as an excuse. I keep writing out these long paragraphs that basically turn into trauma-dumping, and I'm not gonna bother everyone with that rn, but I guess it comes down to thank you for sharing your situation and letting me know I'm not alone. It's hard and it's weird, the more I think about it, to realize that my parents just. Tried their best, sure, but have fucked up in ways that are pretty much unforgivable to me, because they've wrecked my ability to form relationships, to care for myself, and to feel like I'm a real person who deserves good things. Maybe someday I'll be able to work it out, I dunno. I hope you're doing well, anon! ❤️