#if i cant keep myself safe now i have to at least keep myself from then safe. i need to make them happy to be me now.

[sampilled]

dress i ordered for my uncles wedding didnt fit, might kill myself

[banghwa]

like i still have a hard time believing i deserve good things and dont need to repent or suffer or bend over backwards to prove that i do but that little kid deserves good things she deserves more than just good and i have to remember that kid is still there and still in me and theyre still scared and lonely and weird and i need to do my best to take care of her that kid deserves the velvet dresses they deserve to eat lucky charms in the morning they deserve to have friends and to enjoy themselves and to feel safe and to be trusted and no one ever did that for her so i have to do it now .

[thotfool]

today is one of those days i feel like the pain of losing her could kill me :D

[stargazingpsychotic]

Convinced mother poisoned me the other day, giving me food made by someone at church (I distrust food made by people outside the house, except maybe a couple of local restaurants, I also didn't attend that day), and made clear she did poison me when I ended up really ill for a few days following this, but shouldn't she know that she can't kill me when I'm already dead. It's been nearly 4 years since I died. I've tried dying too. And if I want any hope of succeeding I need to stop those keeping this body alive, even though it appears the flesh is dying, there's some force keeping this body going. I just want to leave and go home. Is that too much to ask for. It's for the best. I even plan on helping when I leave, so the world can heal from what the monster in charge has done in order to keep me trapped for so many years. Maybe if I act when they have no control over my body, but it seems they have cursed me to sleep during these times. I can't go directly to them if I don't know where they are, unless I come to understand the meaning of the information I receive, and it is to do with them, I can't do anything. So maybe I have to put pressure on them to give up, hurting myself enough they aren't able to keep this body going. More than anything, I want to leave and go home, I don't belong here and it isn't fair that I'm being kept here. I don't want to watch the end again. The angels show up more frequently, and the noises they make are louder, but still make little sense. Singing in a language I do not understand, with sounds in a way that I can't just tune it out like I sometimes can when people talk to me. This has gone on for too much, I just want to go home.

[nyancrimew]

fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent

cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form

this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow

meaning

it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.

there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.

i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.

how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?

god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.

why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.

we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.

it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.

am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.

is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?

i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.

yea fuck man idk

[mrsriddlenott]

hi i saw your post about blurbs based on songs and i thought about a mattheo riddle x reader blurb inspired by everyone who falls in love by cian ducrot! maybe reader is a non-slytherin in a relationship with another non-slytherin but is secretly in love with mattheo. just an idea but can’t wait to see what you come up with <33

“Everyone Who Falls In Love Has Someone Else They’re Thinking Of”

I’d never heard this song before but I love it. As soon as I heard the lyrics I wanted Mattheo to be an ex, it’s not exactly what you asked for but I hope you like it. <3<3

Ex!Mattheo Riddle x Fem!reader

masterlist

Warnings: Angst, Emotional Cheating

Description: Reader’s trying to start anew with Cedric but Mattheo keeps popping into her head.

It never would have worked out in the long run. You’re a Hufflepuff he’s the son of the Dark Lord. You were just too incompatible. Your entire relationship was behind closed doors. You couldn’t have your house learning you were a traitor. It couldn’t have ever worked.

He’s just wrong for you.

At least thats what you kept repeating over and over in your head, but when he walked out of your life it hurt all the same. In all honesty you weren’t a traitor at all, he was nothing like what people thought and you knew that. But for some reason you just couldn’t voice that to people.

When Cedric came along everything clicked, it was so easy, so safe. He was enough. You couldn’t pass it up. You knew it hurt Mattheo to watch him give you everything he couldn’t, just as it hurt you. Every time his eyes caught yours it felt like a silent agreement that you still loved each other, but it wasn’t right. So you resisted.

But you couldn’t resist thinking of him in every moment you shared with Cedric. You couldn’t resist that part of you telling you Cedric was wrong, not Mattheo. The same part of you that was still in love with him, the part that had you following him down empty corridors even still.

“Haven’t you done enough Mattheo?” You shouted to his back as he stopped in front of you. You had just come from Potions where he made a point of showing off his jealousy every five minutes.

“I love him Mattheo, you cant just pop up everywhere an-“

“Everyone one who falls in love has someone else they’re thinking of,” he whirled around with narrowed eyes, “You can’t try and hide it because I know the feeling. I can see it and feel it every time you look at me,” He was now slowly stepping closer to you, with every step he took forward you took one backward.

“Thats why you lie to him about everything we ever did together, not because you’re ashamed, because you don’t want to admit you’re still in love with me.” You swallowed as you tried to think of something to say, he was right you knew he was, you just couldn’t admit it.

“I haven’t done enough y/n, it’ll never be enough to make up for this. I should have manned up and protected you myself. I didn’t want Him to hurt you, I didn’t want to lose you, I thought pushing you away would be easier to handle. As long as I knew you were alive. But I was a coward y/n, I see that now.” His voice caught in his throat as you stopped moving away from him allowing him to take your cheek into his hand, “I miss you, there I admitted it. Now please….come back to me.”

~~~~

[onmyknees4loak]

Teach me

Lo'ak x Reader

Warnings: (Lowkey stalker and sub lo'ak) Synopsis : (Lo'ak cant seem to take his eyes off of the girl who teaches his nephew.)

Playlist I listened to while making this

Reader's POV

"Good job muffin!!" Pxe'pe one of my youngest students finally gets her threading right. She runs off to show her mother.

I'm what Jake calls a babysitter but I like to think of myself as a teacher I mean that is what I do, people leave there kids with me while they attend to there duties and I teach them things like threading, scavenging, and even healing.

"miss miss miss" i hear a small voice from behind me and feel small hands on my leg, i turn around to be met with Kame'xar, one of my little ones.

"yes what do you need sweetie" i crouch down to be at his level

"i cut my finger" a little sob comes out as he holds his hand up, i see a small bright red cut nothing to serious but still it must hurt.

"oh no sweetie come on lets go fix that up for you" i extend my arms and pick him up, i start heading to the healing tent. i look down at his finger and as im looking away from in front of me i bump into a tall stiff figure. "Oh my eywa! I am so sorry" the figure turns around, i began to panic even more. The figure is Kame'xar's uncle.

"oh my goodness Lo'ak I apologize" i say hoping he wont notice the cut on his nephew's hand.

"oh no worries ...." he pauses trying to remember my name.

"y/n my name is y/n" i tell him.

"y/n... That's a beautiful name....Oh my god Kame'xar i didn't even notice you what's up bro, have you been crying what happened?"

He looks at me wondering what happened to his nephew,

"he cut his finger we were on the way to the healing tent to fix him up."

"oh well please let me walk you there its the least i can do" Lo'ak insists.

"I mean it is only right there but sure" we began walking to the tent which is already in sight.

Once we walk into the tent i set Kame'xar down on the floor and lower to my knees to grab the healing paste. I take his hand and gently rub the paste over his cut.

Kame'xar giggles "its c-cold!" he says in a fit of giggles.

"it is isn't it" i say laughing with him.

I can feel Lo'aks watching my every move. I stand up and turn around to Lo'ak.

"Well i should be getting Kame'xar back now." I feel Kame'xar put his now healed hand in mine and start pulling me to the opening of the tent.

"Thank you y/n, bye Kame'xar ill see you at dinner" lo'ak says waiting for us to leave.

"Bye" me and Kame'xar say at the same time.

As were walking I can't help but to keep thinking about Lo'ak everyone says he,s a bad influence and all he does is get in trouble but he seems so sweet and caring- ok y/n snap out of it he didn't even know your name and you got more important things to worry about.

Lo'ak's POV

'y/n.....y/n how have i never seen her around surly i would have noticed someone that beautiful. She's so different there's just something soothing and pleasant about her.

I walk out of the healing tent and start heading to our family tent,

Oh eywa i can't get that beautiful women out of my head. I need to see her again. I change my direction and start heading to where i know neteyam drops Kame'xar off every day. As i get closer i can hear the sound of children laughing getting louder, shes so good with kids. I hope to make her laugh like that one day.

I see my girl with kids running around her, there playing a game. I keep my distance and sit on a log where others are sitting and eating fruit.

I just sit there and watch her teach and play with the kids for hours. I turn away any time she looks in my direction hoping she doesn't realize that ive been sitting here for hours.

She would never want a guy like me an outcast.

Reader's POV

I finish putting up all the kids threading projects keeping them safe for tomorrow.

"Good Bye Vaylen! I'll see you tomorrow" now all the kids have gone home for the night, and i can start heading home. i turn around to start walking in the direction of my tent when i see Lo'ak sitting looking at me when he realizes I'm looking at him he turns his head the other way. Now that i think about it he has been sitting there since i got back from the healing tent.

'Should i go talk to him?' i ask myself 'I should.'

I start walking over to him with a smile on my face, he notices me coming over and i can see his body tense up.

"Hey Lo'ak what are you doing here?" i come to a stop in front of him.

"Oh i w-was ju-just uh chillin yk" he stutters over his words.

'my god, he's so cute, i want him stuttering over his words while i ride him' omg! what the fuck is wrong with me why would i think that.

I think he could tell i just got surprised with myself.

'y/n? Are you okay?" he asks as he stands up getting closer to me.

I can feel the tension in the air as his face is suddenly a few inches from mine.

"Yeah im good" i see his eyes move down to my lips as he licks his own.

He leans in intel our lips meet and he begins kissing me, i kiss back and start getting a little more aggressive i bring my hand to the back of his head and put my fingers through his hair lightly pulling.

"mMm" Lo'ak lets out a whimper/moan.

I pull away and bring my hand down " i cant do this Lo'ak im sorry" i look down to my feet.

"Why not baby?" he asks pushing hair behind my ear.

"What would people think if they found out, im not trying to be mean but your kinda know as a bad boy yk, and i dont want people to not trust me with there kids im sorry"

I turn around to leave and i feel him grab my hand and pull me back.

"Then Teach me, teach me how to be a good boy"

[ceasarslegion]

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

[wachtelspinat]

Hi, I saw your background with studying medicine and being an artist and I wanted to ask something!! hope it isn't uncomfy. so the school system by itself is killing my creativity and Im afraid I'll completely lose myself if I get into college... Even if I choose to study something art related. College is really absorbing and I don't want to graduate and have killed the only talent I have, thats scary!!! So, how did you "go" back? did drawing help with the stress of college or make it worse? Sometimes my studies define me so so much I cant do anything else, its so frustrating :(

hey there ! i really don't know if i can bring sth to the plate that's positive or uplifting in the matter because i've been in a struggle with art myself for almost 2 years now. i'm really trying to come back but the pace has changed drastically. it's still a constant mood crusher everytime i look back and see how my output has declined. nevertheless i'm drawing again in the smallest babysteps so hopefully i'm gonna pick up the pace again at some point.

as for school and art. yeah. i kind of opened with my current situation because altho (med) school was A Meatgrinder technically speaking i still found time to draw here and there. which was mostly thanks to my higher energy lvl back then and my BIG motivation to draw and to share. so i'd say drawing absolutely helped with the stresses of studying and med school. it was my happy place and escapism. and because of that there was hardly any doubt in my head that i'll ever lose that. so i think it is safe to say that as long as you want to draw you will always be drawing.

second thought here which is also important is that you won't be stuck in an eternal grind, even if it feels like it sometimes. there will be times in which everything sucks. and there will be times in which everything could be worse. and if you wanna draw then, you're going to draw. that's at least how i experienced it. even the longer periods of not drawing because of exhaustion/loss of motivation/exam periods etc eventually pass. and sometimes it's ok to remind yourself that drawing is not everything, altho we like to think that way sometimes. it's absolutely ok not to draw for a while.

another breaking point for me was when i actually started to study for art (anatomy as in for drawing etc) because it helped me at a point at which i felt stuck and it made me understand that i will never be done learning in regards of drawing. which is a good reminder whenever you feel like you are losing your "talent", which is not a talent but a work in progess for years and years to come. so in the end, even if you have to step back from drawing for the time being, you have the ability to always come back to it and get better again. like we have to treat making art like learning a language, there is never an end to it and we have to practice to be back in shape. i know this sounds like work but idk for me it made sth click in my head that i'm not losing sth here. i just have to warm up and get back on the track again.

i hope this helped in some way, i'm really sorry that you feel like you are about to experience a great loss (i absolutely get you, it sucks to deal with this, esp. when outer circumstances force you to push your hobbies in the background) but i think that if you really want to engage with drawing again, you won't lose this. you may have to put work into it, and it may not be today or tomorrow, but if you really want to do it, you keep at it.

[peachjagiya]

Hello hello.

I recently discovered your blog and I like it very much. I love they way you express your opinion and the way you explain things to make your point.

To be honest, I am a baby army. Started listening BTS at the beginning of this year (I KNOW, what the f was I doing before? No fucking clue ugh!). This also makes me a new Taekook stand, which can be super overwhelming. Reading you blog helps puts things into perspective but I still have a few questions and I would like to know your opinion (sorry if you’ve talked about this before!) I have a lot to catch up on in terms. And find to this, social media edits do not help. They are very biased to say the least

Anyway, on to the questions.

1. When do you think Taekook became a couple? From what I’ve seen and felt, I felt a change in 2020 in the dynamic of everything. This being the videos posted, the run bts episodes, the interviews … I might be wrong but I felt a shift then and wanted to know your opinion.

2. In terms of group dynamics, how do you think the other members feel in terms of Taekook? Like I try to put myself in their shoes and it must be hard to have a good dynamic if they have couple’s fights and things like that…

3. In terms on Fan Service, I can’t help but feel bad when Tae has to witness the constant push of FS between JK and Jimin and unable to express or do anything about it. What do you think about the maknae line’s dynamic in regards to this?

There’s so much information out here sometimes I find myself doubting that they’re actually together but then I witness some instances that brings back my faith.

Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I appreciate it. Sorry if my questions are all over the place, my thoughts themselves are all over the place with this subject and I CANT SLEEEPPPP!

Bear with, it’s going to be a long one!

I’m baby army too. A year now. I just happen to be the kind of person who goes all in and devours content.

Social media edits are so discombobulating for new fans. I definitely found myself falling for some edits that I no longer consider. Fake subtitles, slow motion moments that aren’t actually moments, quora rumours… it’s a lot. I still have to remind myself what’s factual and what’s a rumour I read on a K-pop prediction Twitter. It’s a minefield. I’ve found tumblr quite useful because there’s a lot of people here who can put things into context and clarify and provide the perspective of army who were there at the time. I hope you look at my comments because that’s where the real sense is!

1. When do you think Taekook became a couple? From what I’ve seen and felt, I felt a change in 2020 in the dynamic of everything. This being the videos posted, the run bts episodes, the interviews … I might be wrong but I felt a shift then and wanted to know your opinion.

I wrote a timeline but my thoughts have evolved a bit. I think basically they’ve always been circling each other, always been interested but a combination of hormones and the massiveness of pursuing a relationship they’re societally or business-ly discouraged from having created a lot of shifting and drama. I think maybe early confessions, kissing, all that young love stuff might have occurred here.

I’ve been reading some really interesting thoughts and having great discussion about the various members relationship with the company and how this plays with Taekook.

The conclusion I keep coming to, based only on my reading of it, is that Tae seems to be a rebel with strong will to prioritise his heart, company be damned, but JK seems to be more inclined to follow his head despite his heart being huge and loud. His heart wins more and more though and that’s why you get this on and off vibe of the first half of their ten years.

2018 feels pivotal in that both of them hit a wall of pressure and seemed to separate off into a distinct unit. They get each other, they’re each others self-confessed safe space. They’re united even when the rest of the members aren’t getting through. I’m less convinced now that this was a getting together - maybe a resolve to work through complicated stuff together though.

I’d agree 2020 is a shift and that’s where I’d place it. I’m about to get overwrought but I’m thinking about it a bit lately: Think about like pandemic and the impact that had on the whole world. Suddenly work isn’t the most important thing, suddenly a shift in everyone’s priorities. I know a few people who, despite the scariness of it, actually found they were able to breathe and reassess. I decided to move my entire life back to my hometown and quit my job, very heart over head decision. I wonder if this enforced period of quiet let them reassess too. BTS Monuments shows Tae quiet and alone at home but a jacket that looks like JKs in the back. Maybe they saw each other without the intense workload. Time to talk, time to just be them and see how that worked. And hiatus/chapter two might just be a natural continuation of that. JK seems as goal oriented as ever but braver at prioritising himself and Tae seems to be the same and maybe for the first time their ambitions in heart and head are aligned which lets them move forward more smoothly.

2. In terms of group dynamics, how do you think the other members feel in terms of Taekook? Like I try to put myself in their shoes and it must be hard to have a good dynamic if they have couple’s fights and things like that…

I have a feeling it’s a professional minefield but personally that’s just their best friends in love. Maybe it makes their life a little harder to have a secret to hide but I don’t think they’d resent them. I bet they all have things they need to hide. From what they’ve said, I think Jimin might have been really entwined in it. He’s a natural carer, protective of them both. He’s often first on the scene when Tae is sad and he’s often implied he’s been there when Tae has been crying.

As for couple fights, I think about that post-Tokyo intense awkwardness between Tae and JK where they’re visibly annoyed with each other. That’s one time when it seemed the other guys were involved a little. They just seemed hyper aware of the awkward but kind of eyerolly. The thing about teens and early twenties is that you think everyone wants to know your drama. I’d imagine with maturity, they probably keep fights between themselves.

On an amusing side thought, I’ve seen two videos of potential times of discontent between Tae and JK where Yoongi has given the impression of being quietly in Tae’s corner. I think those two get each other in a really low key way that I find quite lovely.

3. In terms on Fan Service, I can’t help but feel bad when Tae has to witness the constant push of FS between JK and Jimin and unable to express or do anything about it. What do you think about the maknae line’s dynamic in regards to this?

I think it’s had an impact but not where you’d expect. The TikTok edits would have you believe Tae is seething in the corner but I don’t know if that’s entirely true. I have seen video of him seemingly rolling his eyes after laughing at Jimin and JK but it seemed notable because of how isolated it was? He is quite good at a poker face though, right? He bides his time and fills in the real details eventually. Again this is only my sense but I feel a little awkwardness between JK and Jimin over it now it’s happening less? Any time you’re expected to pretend anything is a massive mental drain on anyone. But equally, they’ve entered the buddy system together and I’m assuming that hasn’t been forced on them? So hopefully they just remain close and the fan service was all strictly business for them. Maybe I’m just imagining that they seem weird with each other.

There’s so much information out here sometimes I find myself doubting that they’re actually together but then I witness some instances that brings back my faith.

The universal Taekook experience. 😂 it’s natural to doubt. It feels too good to be true.

Thank you for lovely words and great questions, anon 💜

[z0-ne]

Christmas time (Fish eyes! Uncle illumi x child reader! platonic)

Dead dove: do not eat - Mentions of emotional abuse, physical, scars, suicidal thoughts kidnapping and isolation. Read with caution!

It's a Holiday. A Holiday I should celebrate, or at least I should be celebrating. I should be happy I've finally found my way out of that wretched room.

My nails are bent and some hanging onto the skin by a thread, but I am free of that cold dark room.

My feet may be bare, the snow stings at my toes, freezing my nerves and causing me to shiver, but I don't have to worry about the cruel gaze of those empty black eyes. The ones that stare at me, unblinking, unfeeling as I am whipped for failing to win his sick games or the games of his accomplice.

I'm alone, but I am alive. I am older than I was when I was brought here. I am no longer that small child, sobbing their days away with a grumbling stomach. A ten year old child stands in their place.

I have learned my way around that house, but it was easier in the summer to track a way out. With the snow piling, nearly reaching up to my knees with every step, the wind harsh and unforgiving as more snow covers my line of sight.

Winter is cold and merciless.

I keep going. I'm not sure what I am really looking for at this point, I want a way out. But I cant tell if I'm closer or further from my goal. What will I do once I think I'm safe?

Will I run? Will I simply hide away? If I hide where would I hide? As far as Im concerned there isnt another sign of life for miles, and the winter is much to harsh for me to make it to town just to get others killed like....

Like I did all that time ago. The memories of her dead corpse, her lifeless body hiting the ground, how she painted the grass red with her blood. It haunts me to this day, and I know it should.

He's told me, so many times. Nothing would've happened had I simply stayed where I was told to be. Had I not let my curiosity- no, my stupidity get to me, I wouldn't have led her to her death.

At first, I was in denial, I tried to push away my thoughts of accountability, burying them under false thoughts that I was simply a child.

Excuses. Thats what it was, and I am much to old for those now. So where can I go? What can I do? I can not go to another, for the fear of killing someone else for my own selfish needs is far too much for me to bare.

The snow grows taller, and my body grows colder. However I keep walking, for some reason I don't stop. Its like my body won't let me.

The body that should be dead, but stays alive only by taking from others. I should've died that day. Not her, not my Nanny, such a kind selfless soul, even in her last moments she did nothing but give while all I did was stand by and take.

I took her chance of life away once I ran, I took it away once I stayed still instead of running back to her and pleading to go home.

'Home.'. I think to myself, my breath hitches as my heart stops for just a moment. What is that at this point? Is it the place where I am beaten for allowing my steps to be heard in the halls?? Where I am told I should feel guilty for being alive when if given the chance I'd gladly fix my mistake?

Is it the place where I thought I'd be happier, surrounded with my siblings, my parents, in a warm area with a fire infront of me to keep me warm. Food on the stove, the smell of it enough to make my mouth water and my stomach grumble.

A place where my birth was a blessing instead of a curse. Where my life is celebrated and I am not punished for every breath I take.

Do I...even deserve such a place? I've taken from them, a life. Its no wonder they haven't come for me yet. It has been four years, and not even a single sign. New scars, deeper and more painful are placed upon me everyday, and they're likely joined together by the fire enjoying its gentle warmth.

While I am suffering in the rough hands of the cold. The snow at my knees, my eyes squinted, I can hardly feel my face now. If I were to cry, my tears would likely freeze.

As I continue to drag my feet through the snow, I see something in the distance- no not something. Someone, it is...my fathers shadow? All the way out here?

I hear his distant call, his voice so familiar it has to be him. 'No, I shouldn't waste his time...my uncle...says I'm a nuisance to them.' I think, attempting to remind myself that I no long have a place there.

However, I hear his voice call out to me once more, and my body reacts despite my mind screaming for it to give up. My legs picking themselves up as they force themselves through the snow.

A loud crunch as I stomp through it, only to trip over my leg, I fall forward but that doesn't matter, my body keeps moving, my arms flailing around aimlessly to keep moving despite knowing I shouldn't bother.

He's there, he's so close and I see it. I imagine the warmth of his hug, how it felt to be engulfed in his arms and swung around as if it was a miracle to see me and i longed for that love again.

So I kept going. I got closer, and closer, squinting my eyes as the wind grew more harsh. Once close enough, I reached out yelling at his back, hoping to grab onto the fabric and catch his attention. So he'd lift me into his arms and hold me once more.

"Dad!" I call out but I an disappointed, my eyes opened wide, my vision clears as the wind stops-- no time itself seemed to stop. It wasn't the back of my father, nor the shadow of Gon or my mother

No, it was but a lonely tree. No lights. No ornaments. Nothing. Its trunk was buried into the snow, and only the green is visible.

In an instance, I feel my heart shatter, and I fall to my knees as the wind blows once more, gently moving the leafs of the tree, swaying back and forth.

Another case of denial. Why would they come for me? Why would they ever even for a moment consider bringing me back when I've only caused problems in their lives?

Even when I know I don't deserve a home, even when I know I don't deserve their love, or their warmth. I still have those selfish thoughts, those pointless wishes.

I look down, my hands numb and covered in snow. I'm so cold...but I deserve it. I don't deserve the warmth. I look at my arms and wrist, covered in welts and bruises from my punishments, atoning for my actions.

A little pain in comparison to my Nanny loosing her life... I have been far too lucky.

My eyelids are growing heavy, and so is the rest of my body. I shiver as I loose feeling in my trembling bones. 'I should've...died that day....I should die now...' I think to myself as I lay in the snow, underneath that lonely tree.

While my vision has gone black, I can hear footsteps approaching in the distance. As I wish for death, I know a fate much worse awaits me once he arrives.

The winter may be cruel and merciless, but it can also be beautiful and kind unlike my Uncle.

Illumi, more cruel than winter, and anything I've ever known, and as my mind fades. I can only hope to be selfish one more time and not wake up the next day.

(BONUS! [Just in case you want a kinda happy ending])

Honestly, I've only dealt with two children as... stupid as this one.

What child, would run off in the middle of a blizzard and in the dead of night none the less?

I have been walking for hours, questioning why I am doing this for some child who isn't really my responsibility. I never said we should kidnap them. I was done with raising children after their mother.

Alas, their potential did catch my attention, not to mention the odd sense of dejavu I get when I look at them.

I have a coat, and clothes to cover up, but I didn't think I'd be hunting down a preteen so late at night, by myself nonetheless.

'Being left to babysit and I've lost it in the middle of a blizzard. How lovely-' I think to myself, before I pause. I see them, just as they fall face first into the snow.

I sigh, shaking my head as I walk through the snow, it crunches beneath my feet as i get closer to them. Once close enough, there they are. Curled up in the snow,, trembling.

Again, I get a sense of dejavu. Its the worse times when they look most like their mother to me. They're just as troublesome as she was, I grunt as I bend down, picking them up by the scuffle of their shirt and hoist them over my shoulder.

"You should be lucky that Illumi didn't find you." I say with a chuckle, the child is unconscious, although if illumi had found them instead of me a punishment would await them once they wake.

"Take this act of mercy as your "present" from me."

However, judging by their frozen skin, and trembling body I'm sure the winter was punishment enough.

[damnfandomproblems]

5305, replying to the following set of asks:

-

Rightfully blocked my ass, you started shit and now you're just mad im fighting back. Replyblockers when they can dish it out but cant take it lmfao. I have a bio btw so something is wrong with your device methinks. Get off the internet if you cant handle "I'll kill you" jokes I know you dont hold that same energy for people who you arent starting shit with. "I hope he explodes" and "ripping you apart rn" have always been things people say online nonseriously, grow the fuck up.

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

"you clearly have anger issues" no im fucking TIRED. you replyblocked me when you could have just left me the fuck alone. literally what was the point aside from getting a rise out of someone that you knew you could get a rise out of because they're SICK of people like you. "why bother with asks" because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me. its 100% safe to assume youve sent the asks because youve been insufferable. either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon

-

I don't think the person who blocked you is sending any asks to this blog. You know why? Because I've been sending them. You're coming off like a rabid, immature twat with nothing better to. A random person said they have no interest in talking to your sorry ass, which could've ended the interaction with then and there, but instead you freaked out because, for god knows what reason, you just couldn't let things go, so now you're vomiting all over the inbox of this blog for me and everyone else to see. Delightful. Mark of a mature person.

Nobody cares you're "fighting back". The blocker is amused because of how much you're overreacting, they don't seem "mad". Someone who blocks you isn't a "replyblocker", there's always a last person to talk in an interaction that one party doesn't want to be in. Who gives a shit if you don't get the last word.

No, hofnarrofficial, you do not have a bio.

Read the other ask at 756577560112005120 about people not tolerating jokes about killing people. Nobody said you actually wanted to kill someone. Your blog is stuffed with jokes about killing people. Take the hint.

"Weirdo" insult, that's rich. Coming from the person going on anon to continually harass someone who has, to their credit, actually put their profile behind what they say.

Yes, you do have anger issues. You've sent what, at least five asks following the moment where someone blocked you. You're the one keeping this going, mate. I'm sure a lot of people are looking at your post and rolling their eyes because they want you to shut the fuck up, myself included. But maybe that was your plan? People don't pull this diva crap unless they desperately need attention.

"because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me." They didn't want you to reply to them. They. Blocked. You. My god. My eyes cannot roll any further back into my head.

"either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon" Yelling into the phone: They. BLOCKED. YOU.

Go outside.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

Also including an additional response from earlier:

Anon:

The backpedaling is real with the House fans today.

[fayes-fics]

Kinktober Drabble #14: Overstimulation

Kinktober Masterlist

Pairing: Anthony Bridgerton x fem!reader, Modern AU

Warnings: 18+ smut, minors DNI, dom/sub relationship, overstimulation, female orgasms, touch of subspace, use of vibrating wand.

Authors Note: Unbetaed. Here have some slightly mean dom Anthony commanding multiple orgasms. Enjoy! <3

“You look beautiful,” Anthony purrs, arm around your head, stroking your hair.

“I’m close, my lord,” your stutter as he kisses your cheek.

“I know you are, lovely girl; keep going, don’t move that wand,” he commands softly, fingers tracing your hairline.

The vibration is so strong you bite your lip and whine, nuzzling against him. He chuckles richly.

“Do you want to come?”

“Yes, please,” you nod enthusiastically. 

“Ask nicely,” he smirks.

“Please, my lord, please can I come?” looking at him beseechingly, eyes wide, your voice wavering as you fight to delay all of your bodily instincts, so close to breaking.

“Yes, you can come now,” he simpers, kissing your temple “nice and loud, please.”

You allow your eyes to roll back and the deep tugging pulses inside your body to take over. Your legs shake as you are wracked with shudders, and you scream his name loud, fireworks behind your eyes.

“Well done,” he praises as you go limp. You drop the wand away from your clit.

A sharp slap of fingers across one hardened nipple makes you cry out, and your eyes fly open with a gasp.

“Did I say you could move that wand?” his voice is a bitter, sharp thing.

“N..no, my lord,” you stutter.

“Then put it back,” he orders through clenched teeth.

“But I’m done, my lord,” you protest, slightly confused, but do as you’re told, squeaking at the sensation.

“You are done when I tell you you are done,” he growls.

“But it’s so strong,” you whine, panting already, “please, can I at least turn it down?.” 

“No,” he laughs, “only up.”

“But …” you begin.

“If you keep disobeying me, I will turn it up myself,” it’s a harsh warning.

You bite your lip and squirm against the intense sensation, your clit still pulsing from your last orgasm.

“Please, please, can I stop?” you wheedle, writhing in his firm hold as he lies curled around you.

“No, you come again,” he shuts you down.

“I can’t, my lord; it’s too much….”

“Stop whining,” he barks and grabs the wand from your grasp, pressing it harder against you so you feel the pulsing up into your pubic bone.

“Fuck fuck fuckkkkkkk,” you cry out, the stimulation too much, your core clenching and releasing. Your breaths are harsh and fast.

“Oh, here it comes,” he gloats as your cries of protest become one elongated scream and your hips cant off the bed. He chases your movement as you do, always keeping it pressed against you.

You scream as you break again, body palpitating, breath stuttering. 

As the tide subsides, you attempt to curl up in the fetal position against him.

“No,” he grouses and pushes you back flat, tangling his legs with yours to pin you down and open.

“My lord, please,” you croak as he presses the wand against you again. You start to shake your head from side to side and plead with him to stop.

“That’s not your safe word, my girl,” he reminds with an almost mocking laugh.

“Please..” your voice becomes a sob as tears prickle your eyes, overstimulated, your body a constant hum of sensation.

“You can do it again, my girl; I know you can, and it will feel so wonderful,” he whispers, his tone sweeter, wiping away your tears with his thumb.

“I can’t, my lord, I want to be a good girl for you, but I can’t,” you say through wracking breaths.

“Nonsense,” he dismisses, “you can and you will.” 

You go quiet and make whimpering sounds as he rotates the wand between your legs, never breaking contact with your reddened engorged clit.

“You look beautiful darling girl,” he dusks, “all swollen and sweaty for me. You can do just one more for me; come on.” 

“Yes, my lord,” you slur, almost mindless, floating on a sea of shaky vibrations and tingling limbs.

“Oh yes, my brave girl,” he flatters, and with a flick of his thumb, the vibration gets more vigorous.

You let out a noise that sounds inhuman to your ears, and he is full of approval. 

“Yes, that's it, my little wild creature. Let me hear all those gorgeous lustful noises.” It’s snarled against your forehead, which is now dewy with sweat.

And then it's a sudden, intense, almost violent third wave, sweeping you away with something so overwhelming you almost black out.

You hear his voice distantly, triumphant, then turning to lavish praise and affection as he finally gives you reprieve and discards the wand, wrapping you in his arms and swaying you slightly.

You return to the room slowly, your mind blissfully fuzzy, your skin sweaty, and your body weak from shaking–feeling as gentle and awkward as a newborn foal. You blink against the low light and twist to see his face looking at you adoringly, stroking your cheek, the other hand tracing gentle circles on your arm.

“Welcome back, my girl, you were amazing,” he murmurs, kissing you gently.

You smile, sated, sleepy, and so happy, then fall asleep at his encouragement, your nose pressed into the comforting fuzzy warmth of his chest, breathing in his scent.

Tagging: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @wysteria-clad @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @crowleysqueenofhell

[oliviawebsite]

kind of normalizing from suicidal depression to agitated stillness. im still working on my music n all but its a very slow chiseling process considering i cant be at home for almost 12 hours a day 5 days a week now. others have made it work. i have the penalty of being a somewhat disabled (but still able to do work shit, albeit very slowly and painfully and i almost fall over a lot and its probably not safe for me to be doing as much as im doing but i have no other option rn) tranny and it doesnt feel good but i have to survive and keep a roof over me. at least im making it work for now. for now.

can i be proud of myself? people endure much worse than i do to pay their bils. maybe it doesnt matter at all maybe ill be swallowed by the quietly ever-widening chasm opening up beneath our feet. i can only keep up in short bursts and i hate every second of it. wish some rich bastard would take pity on me and give me money to just sit and make music. does that actually happen? probably not in a way that isnt preadatory. im on an excessive amount of caffeine and epehdrine and somewhere btwn 50-100mg thc and im thinking too much sorry for wall of text

tldr im not killing myself (im not fucking leaving!) but im just bummed out at how dull and dehumanizing the act of surviving continues to be

[goose-duck]

Mandela Catalogue Texting 👁️

~~~~~~

✨Jonah and Adam✨

~~~~~~

🌙Adam: we have no power

☀️ Jonah: why

☀️Jonah: what

🌙 Adam: the power is out

☀️ Jonah: ehy

☀️ Jonah: why

🌙Adam: they are working on the lines

☀️Jonah: why

🌙Adam: I don't know

~~~~~~

☀️ Jonah: is it day 7?

☀️ Jonah: or day 3

☀️ Jonah: it's the same day

☀️ Jonah: it's one of them

🌙 Adam: 7

☀️ Jonah: thank you

🌙 Adam: I only count the first 4 days

☀️ Jonah: I had to think harder abt that than I would have liked

🌙 Adam: haha

☀️ Jonah: Well, that makes sense, it just repeats

☀️ Jonah: I don't know why they even give us 8 days

🌙 Adam: yeah

🌙 Adam: knowing the days repeat it's weird

☀️ Jonah: maybe it's for fun

☀️ Jonah: maybe 8 is someone's lucky number

🌙 Adam: maybe

☀️ Jonah: I just tripped up the stairs, I'm so proud of myself

🌙 Adam: ahaha

☀️ Jonah: I feel like my shoes are loud

☀️ Jonah: it's very quiet

☀️ Jonah: it's weird when the school is quiet

~~~~~~

✨Evelin and Sarah✨

~~~~~~

💕 Evelin: Sorry I haven't answered ur messages today, I've been in Halifax

💕 Evelin: I'm very happy for you though <33

💕 Evelin: tell me abt ur boyfriend :D

🍓 Sarah: :33

🍓 Sarah: his name's Crow

🍓 Sarah: he's like a year younger than me

🍓 Sarah: but he's super sweet

🍓 Sarah: and like gives off soft boyfriend enrergy

💕 Evelin: Yayayayayay

💕 Evelin: I'm happy ur happy :D

💕 Evelin: y'all know eachother in person?

💕 Evelin: Crow is such a cool name

💕 Evelin: it's a name one could eat

💕 Evelin: soft bit energy is such a vibe

🍓 Sarah: he's from Canada

🍓 Sarah: VERYONENI LOVE IS FROM CANADASA

🍓 Sarah: GOD SAVE THE QUEEREN

💕 Evelin: SARAHHHH

💕 Evelin: UR CURSED

💕 Evelin: AT LEAST YOU KNOW CAMADIANS ARE LOVEABLE

💕 Evelin: I'm happy you have Crow but it's very funny that he's Canadian

💕 Evelin: what part of Canada?

🍓 Sarah: I think New Brunswick

💕 Evelin: :0

💕 Evelin: that's really close to NS

💕 Evelin: the school I wanna go to is in NB

💕 Evelin: u rlly like ppl from the south shore lol

💕 Evelin: must be the accent

🍓 Sarah: I think it is

🍓 Sarah: I heard his accent and I just knew

🍓 Sarah: but idk if it's Canadian

💕 Evelin: Sorry to just complain randomly, but I've been in this vehicle for an hour and I need to tell someone abt this lady's terrible driving

💕 Evelin: She keeps almost driving off the road 😭

💕 Evelin: She's barely making the turns

💕 Evelin: I'm just scared

💕 Evelin: Anyway, I'm very happy that u and Crow are together :D I hope y'all are very happy for a very long time, maybe even forever >:D

🍓 Sarah: that's scary

🍓 Sarah: and yes

🍓 Sarah: hes a total husbando

💕 Evelin: OMG THIS LADY JUST HIT A TRAFFIC COND

💕 Evelin: cone

💕 Evelin: FUCKKKK

💕 Evelin: SHE CANT DRIVE

🍓 Sarah: bruh

💕 Evelin: SAVE ME

🍓 Sarah: YOU DRIVE

💕 Evelin: I MIGHT

🍓 Sarah: get her her driving glasses

💕 Evelin: She slowed down, we're doing the speed limit now

💕 Evelin: SHE WAS 50 OVER THE SPEED LIMIT AND JUST NOW REALIZED

💕 Evelin: OLD LADY IS XRAZY

💕 Evelin: MAYBE SHE DOES NEED GLASSES

🍓 Sarah: what's that in miles

💕 Evelin: OR TO BE PUT IN AN OLD PPL HOME

💕 Evelin: 150 m/hr

💕 Evelin: I think

💕 Evelin: I don't have internet, so I'm doing my best

💕 Evelin: She's supposed to be dropping this old lady off somewhere b4 me bc it's on the way to Milton and she passed it 😭

💕 Evelin: "oh, there's Dansville" *keeps driving* "oh, right, we needed to go there" *does a fucking U-turn on the highway*

🍓 Sarah: oh my

💕 Evelin: I hope she actually makes it to Milton

💕 Evelin: Never trust a Canadian mf with a French accent istg

💕 Evelin: French Canadians are insane, I swear

💕 Evelin: Our asses are not making it to Milton

🍓 Sarah: lol

🍓 Sarah: be safe pls

💕 Evelin: I'll message u when I get home so u know I'm not dead lol

💕 Evelin: I'm gonna try to have a nap

🍓 Sarah: ok good

🍓 Sarah: Au revoir

~~~~~~

💕 Evelin: I'm home :D

🍓 Sarah: ok good

💕 Evelin: I'm gonna have a bath and try to relax

💕 Evelin: Should I have a bubble bath or a normal bath?

🍓 Sarah: Mmmmbubbles

💕: it's gonna be the best bubble bath ever

🍓 Sarah: u enjoy it

💕 Evelin: Merci très cher

🍓 Sarah: ?

💕 Evelin: Je t'aime, Salutttt <33

🍓 Sarah: <3

~~~~~~

✨Jonah and Adam✨

~~~~~~

☀️ Jonah: I can't fucking see

☀️ Jonah: fucking

☀️ Jonah: Aahdbsks

☀️ Jonah: Sorry I was not happy eafukng

☀️ Jonah: Earkk

☀️ Jonah: worss

☀️ Jonah: help

🌙 Adam: huh

☀️ Jonah: I'm fucked

☀️ Jonah: fucking

☀️ Jonah: can't see

🌙 Adam: wdym

☀️ Jonah: can't look at shit

🌙 Adam: why

☀️ Jonah: fucking

🌙 Adam: are u ok?

☀️ Jonah: When the pictures send you'll see

🌙 Adam: why

🌙 Adam: are you high

☀️ Jonah: I can't see

☀️ Jonah: This ddudkc

☀️ Jonah: Sycj

☀️ Jonah: fuck

☀️ Jonah: Why CBA I wrote that but nkw workx

☀️ Jonah: Fuck j

☀️ Jonah: When will this he'll end

🌙 Adam: I dont understand bud

☀️ Jonah: I don't understand either

☀️ Jonah: I can't read

🌙 Adam: get better

☀️ Jonah: Instahrm

~~~~~~

[bridgyrose]

Ruby starts to call Cinder her "Sin-a-min stick" and Cinder gets annoyed with her girlfriend.

“I love you sin-a-min stick.” 

Cinder paused for a moment as she tried to process what she had just heard. “What did you call me?” 

Ruby grinned a bit. “I called you my sin-a-min stick.” 

“Is that because of the sweet heat you feel every time we kiss?” Cinder asked as she kissed Ruby. “The lingering spice that you know you love?” 

“That might be part of it, but mostly because I feel like I’m sinning every minute I’m around you. Get it? Sin-a-min, sin a minute?” 

Cinder’s smirk dropped to disbelief as she watched Ruby put up a big grin and make finger guns at her. She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a heavy sigh. “Just like your sister, arent you?” 

“She thought it was good and Weiss laughed at it when I ran it by her.” Ruby leaned into Cinder. “Besides, maybe it’ll stick.” 

Cinder rolled her eyes and pushed Ruby off the couch. “No.” 

“Ow!” Ruby rubbed her back and giggled. “Okay, I deserve that. But I can totally come up with worse pet names for you.” 

“I’m going to regret this, but try me.” 

“Firestarter. Ashes. My loving campfire-” 

“Okay okay, you win.” Cinder sighed and moved over on the couch to give Ruby some room. “Sin-a-min stick can stay. Still terrible.” 

Ruby got up and sat down next to Cinder. “Okay, then you give me a terrible pet name.” 

“You know I dont do those.” 

“There’s a first time for everything.” 

“And I’d still rather not.” Cinder sighed and pulled Ruby close to her, mechanical fingers resting against her girlfriend’s thigh. “Besides, you know our relationship isnt exactly like that.” 

“I know, but that doesnt mean you cant have fun with it.” 

“I call you my girlfriend, isnt that enough?” 

Ruby sighed. “Alright, if that’s enough, then I’ll accept it.” 

Cinder nodded and tried to relax, her fingers clicking as she moved them down Ruby’s leg. “I do see you as more than a friend, and while I’ve managed to talk myself into allowing myself to call you my girlfriend, we both know that title is only for show.” 

Ruby nodded and turned around to look at Cinder, a soft smile on her lips. “Then I’ll accept what we have and what you’re willing to call me.” 

Cinder nodded, then winced as her prosthetic started to tighten up, her fingers growing stiff and no longer moving. She quickly moved herself and used her other hand to loosen the prosthetic and take it off. “Stupid arm…” 

Ruby’s smile slowly faded. “Giving issue again? Didnt we just have Doctor Polendina look at it?” 

“Yeah.” Cinder finally unlatched the arm from her and sighed as she made her way to the table. “But you know how our missions go and the strain aura puts on this. Even the best made prosthetics cant handle the abuse we give them.” 

“Then… maybe its time you retire.” 

Cinder paused in her step and slowly looked over at Ruby. “Retire?” 

Ruby nodded and sat up. “You’re always going off on dangerous missions for Ironwood and Ozpin, and this is the fifth time we’ve needed to get your arm looked at and… maybe… its time for my sin-a-min stick-” 

“No, I’m not going to retire. I know I’m disabled, but I can still do the job.” 

“And what happens if you lose another limb out there?” 

Cinder sat down at the table and started to take her prosthetic apart. “Then… that’s a bridge we cross when we get there.” 

“But Cinder-” 

“We both know the dangers of being huntresses. Its what we signed up for.” 

“And I refuse to lose you like I lost my mom!” 

Cinder tensed up a bit and slowly looked over towards Ruby, who was trying to hold back a few tears. “Ruby…” 

“Do you realize how much you worried me when you lost your arm in the first place? Yang lost hers while trying to keep a village safe, but she at least had the rest of us to back her up. But you… you went off on your own for Ironwood and I didnt hear back from you until you were in the hospital getting patched up. And you still dont talk about what happened out there.” 

“Because it doesnt concern you right now.” Cinder sighed and looked back at her arm, her other hand shaking as she tried to unscrew one of the panels to the arm. In the back of her mind, she could hear Tyrian taunting her about Ruby as she tried to keep herself steady. “I’m… not ready to talk about it yet. But when I am-” 

“Its been five years, Cin. When will you be ready?” 

“Maybe when all of this is over.” 

Ruby frowned and then sat down again. “You know I worry about you.” 

“I know.” Cinder pulled the panel off her arm and started to look over the wires to make sure nothing was frayed. “Things are… complicated and the last thing I need is for you to get involved with this.” 

“Are you ever going to tell me what you’re involved with?” 

“You know what sounds good right now?” Cinder quickly started to patch her arm back up and re-attach it to her. “Pizza. I’ll go pick some up. You’re still a fan of that weird anchovy one, right?” 

“You’re changing the subject.” 

Cinder grabbed her coat and put it on. “Pizza first, then I’ll tell you everything. Deal?” 

Ruby nodded. “Fine.”