#if I make more designs to go with it I might put it up as stickers or smth like that
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A lot of craft fairs and street markets charge anywhere from $10-50 for the booth space and they host their events constantly! Also, there are event organizers who host multiple markets and if you sign up with them they’ll tell you when and where the next one will be!
In my experience, the equipment you’ll want/need to invest in for the best experience for you at these events is:
A table (maybe more? I don’t know what you’re selling or promoting, so figure out how much table space you need!)
An 8x8 or 10x10 tent. If you have any sort of disability the 8x8 will be easier for you to manage! 10x10s tend to be sturdier but that means they’re heavier!
Tent weights! Most event organizers require these and you’ll have to leave if you don’t have them. You can buy actual weights but there’s also bags you can fill with water and Velcro to your tent. I like these better, they’re easier to manage.
Tablecloths! If you aren’t ready to brand yourself, just go get a couple nice colored ones that don’t clash with your stuff. Once you’re ready to brand, hit me up I got an excellent graphic designer who can build you a kit.
Chairs! You’re not going to be standing the whole time, so give yourself somewhere comfy.
Water and snacks! There’s usually food vendors at these things, but it’s good to have something at your table in case you have constant customers.
A payment system! There’s tons you can download to your phone and get a widget to read cards with. This makes it easier to sell things because a lot of people don’t carry cash these days. Still bring a cash box because there’s also still people who ONLY want to use cash.
A TIP JAR. I get it, it feels kinda weird and icky, but if you’re talking or making art right there, give people the option to tip you! They might not buy a $100 piece but they might give you $5 for the pleasure of watching you work.
And then obviously- your art! Display it, put up pictures of pieces too big to move, make it cool and fun!
There are typically staff running around who can tell you where to set up and where the bathrooms are. Setup usually begins an hour or so before the actual market hours and you’ll be expected to be set up and have your car moved to the lot prior to the market opening.
Then you just vend to people who come to your booth!
I think at some point in time we need to sit down and start explaining to artist who want to make a career out of art that there are FAR more options than just "living off of commissions" and "posting my art online and praying I get paid for it".
#I do a lot of these markets for work#if you’re looking for some in Florida I can point you in the right directions#outside the state I can probably help too#I just do sales#my sales advice is generic sales advice#but I can sell anything
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So a while back I ran the numbers to confirm a suspicion that fandom trends towards a trans Tim Drake, and there's a lot of bits and pieces around his canon material that I think contributes to that interest. But there's a particular, subtle one that's been poking at my mind a lot because I think it might actually be a pretty significant factor that nobody really notices:
His costumes.
The original Robin costume, the one Dick and Jason wore, is childish but exposing. It's innocent enough when they're being drawn as spunky children, but during the period when Dick's still wearing it into his late teens and early 20s, it's practically as revealing as a lot of the women's costumes (and, in retrospect, almost certainly laid some of the groundwork for him sometimes being sexualized by the art and writing the way female characters normally are -- George Pérez, at least, absolutely put him on display every bit as much as he did Starfire and Donna).
Damian's costumes, meanwhile, lean more into archaic/fantasy armor designs and are thus largely genderless outside some vague allusions to the codename's Robin Hood roots. And Steph's is, well, a minidress, and one designed to show off her figure, drawing explicit attention to her femininity.
But then you have Tim's most iconic costume, his original one, which is not only fully covering in a way the original look isn't, it also, by virtue of being designed in the 90s, sports a very specific feature: molded body armor shaped to look like pectoral and abdominal muscles. In other words -- an idealized male body.
Not every artist always included that detail, but it was an explicit part of the design that you don't see as much these days, at least not for teen heroes. Which means it's inadvertently the perfect costume for a trans masculine Boy Wonder. It's got built-in body shaping. The cape and tunic layers even help to make his shoulders look wider.
Tim's second costume, the OYL later suit, doesn't explicitly have this body shaping element, but some artists still hint at it in the same way that Dick's Nightwing suits do (ie, we assume they're not showing off their real muscles with skintight suits for safety reasons, but who knows). Plus it comes with the bonus gay longing of changing the colors to mourn the dead crush he's too deep in the closet to recognize.
And then you've got his modern Robin look which has the same kind of shaping going on in a sleaker, more subtle way, though it can vary from artist to artist how much the red part of his suit is drawn as a breast plate vs. a part of the bodysuit.
As a bonus, the design also has a tendency to make him look lean and lithe, in an interesting contrast to Damian who, despite being physically smaller than Tim, tends to have a presence that makes him come across as stockier and more solid, possibly because he's more heavily armored.
You even see this with some of Tim'snon-Robin looks. I've mentioned this elsewhere but, the original Red Robin look making him look older when the cowl was up honestly makes a lot of sense. That suit was originally designed for a Dick Grayson who was pushing 60 to conceal the extent of his age while still communicating his maturity and development. It makes sense that it'd work the other way, to make 17 year old Tim look like he's in his late 20s/early 30s.
It's tunic over a body suit design is also just aesthetically pleasing in terms of forming an elegant male body type, the same way a well-cut suit can be. Again, it does especially nice things for the shoulders, which is why I personally prefer it to the fully bodysuit redesign they give him in the latter part of the series. Although as we can see from the details in Marcus To's art, even that body suit has seams strategically placed to suggest muscles.
And then of course there's the 2016 Rebirth era Red Robin costume, which is just a more heavily-armored version of his classic Robin look that's trying really hard to make him look masculine and mature, which means... exaggerated muscles.
And the thing is, it's not that this doesn't happen with other characters' costumes. But for various reasons it specifically didn't happen with the other Robin costumes, like I described at the start.
Which is not something I think people consciously notice. But I do know that, when I was writing my transmasc Tim fanfic a few years before realizing that I myself was also transmasc, one of the images that solidified the story for me was how good it would've felt the first time a transmasc Tim put on his new Robin costume and saw the Boy Wonder looking back at him. And I remember specifically thinking about how nice the shaped armor would be for that sort of thing.
It's kinda funny how an obvious attempt to enforce gender norms wound up, for lack of a better term, backfiring, at least in my opinion. There's just something about exaggerating the masculinity of Robin, a role designed to contrast and foil the already exaggerated masculine ideal of Batman, that makes it feel like a performance.
#tim drake#robin#batman#batfamily#dc comics#transgender#transmasc#in contrast I'd also argue that Nightwing feels distinctly genderfluid as an identity#even if Dick feels pretty cismale out of costume#if that makes any sense#like. there's just something about the way that Nightwing gets 'gazed' upon that's similar but distinct to how the male gaze views women#and of course no one else moves the way he does#plus the identity was developed as a pair with Starfire who was always taller and stronger than Dick in defiance of gender norms#but he also doesn't feel particularly 'feminine' he's just not exactly a 'masculine' either#he's just 'Nightwing'#whereas Dick Grayson is undoubtedly a man just a different kind of man than Bruce Wayne
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Ranking Cosmere Families Based Whether I'd Want to Attend Their Thanksgiving Dinner
If they, you know, actually celebrated Thanksgiving or if I existed in their universe and could attend. But anyway.
[Last Thanksgiving special: How They'd Cook a Turkey]
1. Kholin Family Dinner: No Thank You
Let the various eras of the Kholin family spread out before you: is there ANY iteration of that family whose Thanksgiving Dinner you'd want to attend? We have the Blackthorn Era, where Dalinar is getting drunk and trying not to make eyes at his brother's wife and also Sadeas is probably there. We have Way of Kings era where Dalinar thinks he might be going crazy and is always in a lowkey fight with Adolin. We have post-Oathbringer where you sit at that table knowing that Dalinar killed his kids' mother. Is there any moment when a Kholin family dinner wouldn't be awkward for a guest? Even Shallan being there isn't enough to win me over. I'm staying home.
2. Kelsier's Crew: Sure!
I think a holiday dinner with Kelsier's crew would actually be delightful. I think that whatever else they had going on at the time, they'd make an effort to put that aside and have a good time.
3. Kiin's Family Dinner: Hell yeah
Kiin (Sarene's uncle in Elantris) is canonically an amazing cook. Like, I'd LOVE to be at their family dinner. Plus, Sarene seems to have a nice time hanging out with them. Sure their kids squabble a bit, but nothing major.
4. Stormblessed Family Dinner: M-Maybe?
I feel like this is strongly era-dependent. Join them when Kaladin and Tien are kids? Yeah, I think that would be all right. There might be tension between Lirin and Kaladin, but Hesina and Tien are there to defuse it. After the two kids are taken to war? I-I'm leaving that couple alone to grieve, I think. Post-Kaladin-Radiant time? That's REALLY book-dependent. Got weird between Kaladin & Lirin for a while there. I don't want to be there for their yearly argument about whether it's ever okay to kill someone. Maybe I'll just help Hesina in the kitchen.
5. Tress Family Dinner: Definitely!
Yeah! Tress is a great cook, her parents are AWESOME, and if Charlie is there too, all the better. Like, this one is a no-brainer yes please.
6. Bridge 4 Dinner: Yeah!
Especially if it's post-Radiants, so that (a) we're not all enslaved in Sadeas' war camp and (b) there are women too. I bet Rock's Thanksgiving stew would be delicious. Kaladin would be late, but you know what, it's okay. He's very busy.
7. Court of the Gods Thanksgiving Dinner: Maybe If I Were Younger...
Listen, I'm sure it's a raucous good time. There's lots of food, it's really good, everyone looks hot, and everyone is very drunk. Not REALLY my scene, though. I might go if I were invited, but if Tress's family had already offered, I mean...
8. Idrian Royal Family Dinner: I'll Pass
For one thing, I feel like the food would not be very good since my impression of Idris is that everything is...gray. But even beyond that, the family dynamics do not sound fun. I mean, their dad sold his least favorite daughter into what he thought was deadly sex slavery. Their mom doesn't even have a name. It just feels so awkward.
9. Noodle Shop Thanksgiving Dinner: Yeah!
Going out to eat is a great way to not have to cook for Thanksgiving dinner. And Design's Noodle shop--or even later under the new owners--feels like a great place to get some food. Depending on why I'm there, I might even get some free sympathy noodles if I have nowhere else to go! Y-Yay!
10. Lopen Family Dinner: Yes!
I definitely would say yes if invited to eat with Lopen and his many cousins. Remember when Elhokar was there for a minute, and Lopen's mother kept making him eat more? I am going to be SO STUFFED and it is going to be SO worth it.
11. Ladrian Family Dinner: Totally
I'd love to have dinner with Wax and Steris and presumably Wayne and Marasi and possibly MeLaan! I bet the place settings will be fancy and that I'll have to bone up on my etiquette rules--but then, Wayne will be there so surely my using the wrong fork will go largely unnoticed. Anyway, these people seem pretty fun to hang out with, and I bet the food and whiskey are both good.
12. Montane Family Dinner: S-Sorry, Can't Make It...
As much as I love Threnody as a concept, I don't want to hang out in a small circle of silver-ringed "safety" while knowing that murderous ghosts await any mistake outside. I just don't feel like it would be a relaxing time. Plus, you know, Silence's grandmother is literally a ghost in a locked room like right over there. That's a family dynamic I don't care to experience.
#cosmere#cosmerelists#Stormlight Archive#Mistborn#Shadows for Silence#Tress of the Emerald Sea#Yumi and the Nightmare Painter#Warbreaker
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Hi i loved your Hazbin Men as Dads Writing! Maybe you could write the same for the Hazbin Woman x reader as parents if the Idea intrests you ;-) ?
OMG OFC!!! I was thinking of doing a sequel lol but I wasn’t sure if I should. Now I definitely will though! <3
HAZBIN WOMEN AS MOTHERS
Featuring >>> Charlie, Carmilla, Rosie, Sera, Velvette, & Vaggie x Reader as mothers!
Rosie:
Let’s be honest, your child is going to be a cannibal. Assuming the three of you live in cannibal town together as a family, (which is very likely), this may happen sooner…like before your baby turns a year old…BUT ANYWAYS-!
Your child will grow up surrounded by Rosie’s loyal subjects. Nobody in cannibal town would dare lay a hand on your precious child, but for the few outsiders who try…let’s just say they pasta way. Their ashes may or may not end up in Rosie’s spice cabinet, and then on your dinner plate…but rosie is such a good cook!
Rosie would be such a good mom. Sure, she is a very busy woman, but she would always make time for her little (demonic) spawn! Overall, 10/10 parenting.
Carmilla:
Carmilla is already a mother, she has lots of experience. Having two or three daughters, (I can’t remember how many she has in the show lol), she has seen it all. She knows all the tricks. She is strict…but loving!!!
She is shown being protective and willing to anything to save her daughters, so it would be the same for your child, if not more. She would not let the poor kid out of her sight for the first few months. She knows hell is a dangerous place, and will teach your child how to defend themselves from a young age.
Like I mentioned with Valentino in my other post, Carmilla would likely have your child learning Spanish young. It is very important your child is well educated both in language (and fighting). But then again, she’s already portrayed to be a good mother in the show, so what did you expect?
Velvette:
Oh lord. With her there is no way your child isn’t a mistake. Velvette would be ‘way too busy’ to deal with a child. She is one of the Vees and the top designer in pride! What did you expect!? She doesn’t have time for some random child!
Velvette is literally an adult screenager, so like Valentino I don’t think she would be very responsible with your baby. Velvette would leave your child unsupervised, or under the supervision of one of her models who wasn’t busy at the moment, while she does fittings and preps her models for the next big fashion show.
While in public she puts up a front of being too busy, in private I think she would genuinely feel guilty. Overtime I think she would grow to care for the child, teaching them all about fashion and social media. She is totally the type of mom to show your child off on social media or just create an account from scratch. Its safe to say your child is already a star.
Charlie:
BEST MOM EVER??? I mean first of all, she is the princess of hell, and with her personality, that basically means your child is going to be spoiled rotten! Your child has all the (mostly duck themed toys, brought to you by Lucifer) they could ever dream of. This child is royalty, and will be treated as such.
She would NEVER yell at your child, god forbid the poor kid cries…she might start crying too! Charlie is also always up for playing with your child. Whether it’s arts and crafts, dress up, dollies, etc. she will drop whatever she’s doing—or finish it up quickly—and play.
Grandpa Luci is also around very frequently. He has just reconciled with his daughter after all, and his daughter has a daughter??? If Charlie wasn’t spoiling your child enough, Lucifer is doing ten times more. Every time he visits he brings your child a trinket, like one of his ducks, a duck themed onesie, or just a sugary treat.
Vaggie:
Literally a carbon copy of Carmilla but like ten times more protective. I mean how could she not be? Her precious child is living under the same roof as the radio demon! (Let’s just say that if Alastor steps within even ten feet of your baby he is getting threatened with a spear to the neck.
I feel like she would be a boy mom. Not in the tiktok boy mom sense, but I just generally feel like she would get along better with a son than a daughter. No matter which one you have though, she will love them unconditionally.
Supportive of her children’s dreams in the same way she supports Charlie’s. She is always very supportive, but can sometimes be a little doubtful. However, to balance that out, she always brings good advice to the table. I can also see her keeping secrets, like the fact she was an exterminator from her child until they get older.
Sera:
She’s like Carmilla but more angelic. Sera is very strict and by the book, and would expect her child(ren) to be the same. She can be hard on others, especially her children, but in reality she just wants the best for them.
If the two of you had a child, I feel they would be a mix of Emily and Lucifer. Kind, energetic, and a dreamer. This worries Sera a lot. She lived with Lucifer in heaven, she saw his dreams. Sera watched him fall for the dreams he tried to make a reality. Therefore, she would try to stop your child from turning into a dreamer.
Overtime, I think she would realize that your child’s dreams are nothing like Lucifer’s, and would become more supportive. Overall, Sera is very overprotective, strict, and hard on others, but she is truly looking out for their well-being.
#alastor x reader#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin hotel fanfiction#alastor x you#hazbin hotel headcanon#hazbin hotel x you#hazbin x you#hazbin hotel imagine#vox x reader#hazbin x reader#husk x reader#overlord husk#angel dust x husk#husker#husk hazbin hotel#hazbin husk#angel dust x you#angel dust x oc#angel dust x reader#angel dust x alastor#angel dust x vox#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor rp#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#alastor the radio demon#alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#human vox
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Do you have any advice on making a living working in historic preservation? I feel like every opportunity in the field (ex. Local historical societies) is volunteer work, which I do, but I also need money!
:)
:) :) :) :)
I am so sorry but you've hit upon the main employment problem with this field: it is wildly underpaid. Especially if you want to do something with museum content/collections/preservation rather than admin.
The issue is, this system (at least in the US, where I live) started out in the late 19th century being run by people who had a lot of free time and a LOT of money already. Married upper-class women, rich men- often gay, interestingly enough -with academic turns of mind, etc. They didn't need the money, so they built a structure designed to function that way. And for many years a lot of this work continued to be done by volunteers.
Except then people came along with the audacity to want to make a career out of it. Without enough generational wealth to not need payment! Oh no!
So now there are not enough full-time jobs in the field for people who want them, unfortunately. They're out there! But you might have a hell of a time getting into one.
I'd say to look for bigger orgs over small ones, or small orgs in big cities. We love a tiny house museum in the middle of nowhere, but they often have the smallest budgets in a world of small budgets. Also, consider starting out part-time and trying to work your way up (just make sure the org has full-time employees first). Making connections is paramount- I've only had part-time museum jobs so far, but I never got a single one just by applying online. You can, but it helps a lot to have someone say "hey, the Fancyman-Spinsteracademic-Wepromisewe'rereckoningwithslaverynow House is hiring; want me to put in a good word for you?"
Alternately, learn some hands-on preservation skill like carpentry or horology (working with mechanical clocks- PLEASE learn horology if you go this route; all the horologists are 80 and they keep dying) could be a way to get specific talents that historical site museums can't function without and will therefore pay for when the budget allows. In cities with lots of historical architecture that they actually care about preserving- so not NYC, apparently -there are often independent companies that specialize in different aspects thereof. Historical window repair, historical plastering, historical brickwork maintenance, etc. Trying to get hired by one of those is a way to go into preservation without working in museums. Private auction houses or antiques dealers can also be an option, if you're more into the Collections Objects side of things.
I don't mean to make it sound bleak. My eight-year career in museums has been entirely part-time collections/interpretation/admin jobs stitched together, and while I'm sick of the "underpaid and relying on my parents to pay for my insurance" aspect (yes, I freely admit it; I'm a lowkey continuation of the Can't Work In Museums If You Don't Have Family Financial Support tradition and very very lucky to be able to do what I do, and yet even I'M frustrated and tired and over it), it is deeply fulfilling work that I consider highly worthwhile and important. And there ARE avenues to make a decent living in it!
I just want to explain the phenomenon you're seeing and give you realistic expectations.
Best of luck!
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i know i'm not a huuuge poster overall but i did want to say i'm hoping + planning to do lots more original storytelling and artwork in the coming year and beyond. i have like 4 years of emotion's worth of thoughts i could type up, but it boils down to transgender loneliness and a mounting despair at the state of mainstream games/movies/tv as someone who studied for/briefly worked in that industry (and might go back to one day). it’s been very cool engaging with more independent and local creator spaces… i've put a lot of totally arbitrary "do it later" roadblocks down for myself that i may as well blow to smithereens. And while not original-original i am starting some designs for a green knight poem adaptation that I’ve also been putting off for no reason…… always make stuff forever
#the delicate intersection of being inspired by really good works AND really bad works.#just make what fucking ever!!!! just make it
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okay since i have felt i've been really negative i am going to be positive and talk about something near and dear to my heart. fanart redesigns!
this design of braius by @phi-guy is delightful, including the mustache variant. i'm not a big fan of him as a character, but this is a great compromise with the holstein patterns on his humanoid face that previously left a few furries disappointed.
fcg is a very tough character to stylize, given the whole... aeormaton of it all and that they're so intricately designed that any attempts to move any part of their body around tend to make things they do in-game not make sense. the blades of grass emblem being revealed as bloody fingerstreaks, for one. but this design by hugo cardenas strikes a good balance between canon and fanon where you don't have to sacrifice accuracy for imagination or vice versa
imogen sadly doesn't receive a lot of redesigns in fandom and even got hate (?!) for people putting glasses on her. but for the people that do a little more than that, i would have to give my favorite design to @rokiie! it's subtle, but i love that she's musclechubby and mixed, and her curly hair and ponytail is adorable. @jadequarze also has a nice looking mog, though theirs is more angular than bulky.
ashton is another character hard to redesign... because his original design is so damned complex it feels like a downgrade to change it. so not a lot of people do and focus more on his outfit and body type. so that's why these two, by @magscherer and @ladysantos are so great! little tweaks that make him fat or simplify him are so nice
@lyadrielle has the most complex chet redesign i've ever seen. i love how in-depth it is, and even if full head of hair chet isn't canon, i still adore the fluffiness of it. also quick shout out to @colealexart giving chetney a mustache because i love it.
conversely from her girlfriend, people love to redesign laudna, if not just to pump up her creepy factor over her "bizzarely beautiful" factor. @astoriacolumnstaircase and @paragonraptors do this in a fun-scary way! i love how spindly they make her, like a praying mantis. for a more scary-scary way, @cpprcoyote's laudnas are stunningly creepy and lovely. @galacticjonah's take on her is also very cute with her billowing fabrics surrounding her like a security blanket. good stuff!
being the mixed orym truther guy, naturally i love art that makes him a man of color, and this art by @therosecleric hits the mark for how i see him in my head. i love his curls, his jaw, and his strong nose, and it's always good to give him muscles in a way that don't make him look like a tween who powerlifts. the previously mentioned @magscherer's art of him is a bit more hobbit-y but still scratches the same itch. love me a brown eyed orym. @jennydolfen also gets points for her terrific hobbit/halfling proportions
@jam-etc's critical role redesigns might not be for everyone, but i love 'em all. dorian here looks so friendly and seeing his native culture depicted so overtly in his outfit is awesome! no whitewashed dorians allowed. on the same token, here's a repeat of @therosecleric's dorian art because it also is great to see him with curly hair and a wide nose. this design by @caitmayart with dark cloudy speckles on his body is incredibly nice as well.
and of goddamn course fearne gets the most art. it's fearne! there are so many good pieces of her i could not choose one. i love ones that play up her goat-y nature, like @willowbirds, @rainbow-roll-art, and @phi-guy again. and i love fat fearnes, like these two by @marmadelin and @countslimeula. this one by @maluspumilaa is so beautiful, making her a little more fey and extremely animalistic. all fearnes is good fearnes
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I write this post with the caveat that I was into TSP and TSPUD before discovering Cl0ck 0ut and I never joined any servers around it, so the impact to me is extremely minimal compared to many others who were heavily inspired by it. I recognize that while it's sickening to me, it's even harder for the people who joined the TSP fandom because of Cl0ck 0ut.
I'm also extremely on the fringes of the fandom in general, I've never gone out of my way to interact with people who are more well-known for their narrator designs. I don't know that this post is going to reach its intended audience that much.
With all that aside, I really want to tell the people who are extremely hurt and reeling and sick to their stomach something that I think is pretty important:
You may have been introduced to TSP from watching Cl0ck 0ut, and it may have inspired you, but it is not the thing that kept you here interested in the game. You're in this fandom because you found like-minded people, maybe through the animation sure, and continued to make connections beyond that surface-level one.
Look, I've been here before. I'm not old, but I'm in my late twenties now and I've been in fandom circles for nearly 2 decades. There were inevitably times where the fanbase learned bad things about the creator, or a specific "big time" fan whose works they liked. It does suck, it does hurt, you're more than allowed to feel betrayed and sick and stressed.
A lot of what got me through it was having other people to talk to, who understood because they were also going through it. They understood because they were in that same fandom with me, we had met through it. The thing that mattered was that I had friends I had made beyond a superficial initial connection.
You made bonds. You created things (headcanons, art, stories, theories) with other people, and you still enjoyed the initial thing, yeah, but you enjoy it more because of the extra layers of connection that it led you to! But remember, please remember, that while it was a jumping off point, and you might attach a lot of value to it for that, it didn't do the work. You and other people did that. And that's the real valuable thing. That doesn't have to be stained with the bad feelings, I promise. It can and has evolved past the initial connection.
It's gonna sting for a while. That's understandable. If you need to take a break from creating, no one can blame you. But keep your connections with other people. Keep your friends.
(And if you made things that were directly inspired by Cl0ck 0ut designs or initial story, I can understand if you're feeling extremely uncomfortable with making more of it. I have a couple fanfics I was reading that were based off it.
At the end of the day, do what makes you most comfortable, even if that includes putting it down and never picaking it up again; but know that people liked what you were making, again, not because it was Cl0ck 0ut based, but because you were doing interesting and unique things with the premise. That's what fandom does with any media, and the story you were crafting does not, I think, need to be wholly discarded despite its premise having...'issues'.)
#tsp fandom#im sorry to put this in the main tag i feel so! oof. about that.#the stanley parable#those are the only main tags i'll pop it in#sincerely: a person who has been into invader ZIM and Good Omens for like 15+ years#the THINGS i have seen good christ.#the things on deviantart and on ff.net. i wasnt even a livejournal kid and i saw it#this is not a new thing and you will get through it.#and you can talk to me! im not sure why youd want to talk to me. but.#there are people who are here and have seen these things before and will support you.
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when the vegetable
yayy tutorial for how to make your art look sorta like this? perhaps??
aka the way i render when wanting to make a doodle look more interesting without following any principles of light and color
yippee
draw the lineart and the flat colors of your character. i’m drawing @chrometheraptor ‘s oc because silly, and using the syrup brush for everything but gradient overlays . (usually i use something more textured but this works for now probably maybe)
on the same layer as your coloring, use a darker color to add some basic shading to the more flat-looking areas of the design. bbut. not the whole character because i am lazy.
dots are good when you’re using a flat brush and don’t have the option of adding smooth painterly shading. they help to break up the planes to make everything look a little more natural
on the same layer, add minor highlights on places where the light would probably hit the character a little harder, like for here, the frilly edges of the moss. on moss. moss’ moss.
then, if there are parts of the character that would probably be smoother or more shiny, add lighter dots for highlights on top of the darker highlights. like on the horns. you can never have enough highlights.
you can also imply some texture while making the shading more complex. here, i put down some Gay Lines to make the moss texture look rougher, as well as the leafy v-looking shapes.
now, go to your lineart layer and set it to alpha lock. ignore the fact that the stuff i told you to put on the base layer is actually on a clipping mask
set it to multiply too. this way, you don’t actually have to bother with hue-shifting to make a darker color look decent
use the colors within the design to subtly color your lineart. i usually keep more important features like the eyes and horns black, and only lighten lesser details
make a new clipping mask layer over your base colors. with a gradient or any soft brush, pick a side of your character where you want to pretend to have a light source, then add a gradual fade into a brighter version of a color found in the character’s design. (heheh. yellowe) set the new layer to like 30-50 percent
from the opposite direction, add a new clipping mask layer and make a gradient with a darker color found in the design. set it to 20 percent ish
make a new layer above everything else. with a really light color, in this case muted yellow, add more highlights. too many. this is a great stage to outline more important features, as well as imply more texture with extra v’s and Gay Lines.
since the highlights looked a little too gaudy, i muted them in the darker areas around the spine by setting the layer to alpha lock and coloring over it with the soft brush from earlier
because this clearly isn’t textured enough, you can optionally add random markings with any textured brush. (i used a facet brush from my personal brushpack. might share that too if people want)
set it to color burn or overlay, or really anything that looks alright, and lower the opacity until it’s no longer stabbing your eyeballs out with contrast
wow look it’s a vegetable
@nevermore-ramblings hope this helps with. something
a
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///ARCANE s2 finale SPOILERS ///
LONG POST
SO. THAT VIKTOR ARCANE LEAGUEOFLEGENDS GUY HUH.
some observations that are my personal opinion and/or interpretation of viktor's transformation and physical state. (my screenshots, idc if u repost them or whatever just don't say they're yours, etc)
minor edit: added a sentence i could've sworn i'd written that i hadn't and so my paragraph made no sense lol
love love love the aspects of body horror and character design going on with viktor's post-sourdough-starter cyborg body here, so i was trying to get a better look at it to maybe sort of figure out how his body was transformed, and what it's made of now (metal, magic, a third secret thing, idk)
so it looks like, in general, his skeletal structure and the metal parts in his back brace and his leg brace were fused together and then fused *into* his musculoskeletal structure, not just sort of copied by the hexcore. You can see here he has actual bolts in his spine before he got robot-ified, and to me it seems like this could have been a way for his brace to hook or snap onto his spine more securely to give him extra support.
I think the circles in the middle of the brace over his sternum might have also snapped into bolts in his chest, and you can see them better here
the cloth and leather parts of the brace have either dissolved or been turned into metal.
--I just want to take a side note here to note what im sure other ppl have mentioned but I haven't seen talked much about at least recently, is that viktor's disability wasn't just his mobility issues and bad respiratory health, that he must have been in terrible pain to have a procedure as extreme as bolts being put into his spine and/or chest deemed necessary / beneficial to his quality of life.
In the scene where he tries to destroy the hexcore, he can barely push himself up, and it takes all of his strength to lift a stool over his head that's only a few pounds :(
He later asks jayce to destroy the hexcore because he can't, and ive seen most people interpret that as him not wanting to destroy his life's work, but i always viewed it as him not physically being able to--the hexcore was too strong, and it snapped out at him and knocked him over just at the threat of him destroying it.
That circles over to another thing i thought was interesting, is that when he comes out of the goop he still seems very weak and unstable, even though he now has his back brace and leg brace fused to his skeleton. He still has to use his crutch to walk toward jayce and make effort to straighten his legs, because they're still twisted. It makes me wonder if the hexcore didn't so much heal him as dull his sense of pain so he couldn't feel it, and its energy forced him to move.
That's something i thought was interesting, and it made me think of his line about not feeling cold--he then says he feels something that is exactly how I'd describe coldness to somebody who's never felt it before, it just seems like now, his nervous system doesn't process it in the same way as he used to recognize the sensation of coldness. Interestingly, he still describes it as "unpleasant"
back to the design of viktor's body: what exactly is it made of? Here's where the body horror aspect of it comes in, because i think there's a possibility that's still mostly his body and what we're seeing here is exposed, preserved muscle fiber, because the hexcore either burned or melted off his skin or it literally rotted away while he was in the goop. There's a few artsy little flourishes from the hexcore magic peeking through, but except for the slightly darker color, it looks eerily like how muscle fiber on preserved cadavers looks, down to the way the little filamenty veins are. Granted it could just be a metallic structure the hexcore created, visually mimicking human muscle structure. Or the sourdough starter could have been something super gross like magic sentient cosmic energy formaldehyde--that also makes sense to me because of how when his hair grew out some of the tips had lost color, like they'd been bleached.
anyway the visual aspect of his resurrected hexcore appearance that makes me think of a reanimated cadaver most was how strange and unsettling i found it that he's completely gray and glowing with purple sparks, is that for some reason he's still got a bellybutton and almost a normal skin-like surace to that part of his stomach.
On the other hand, his hip socket and the rest of his pelvis is bony and skeletal. You can kind of see his pelvis not being attached with muscle fiber to his hip socket in that lower corner, it looks the same atp as when he's in his cosmic form.
the jokes about "jayce hugged him with his whole ______ out!!!!" just make me sad bc obviously any extraneous soft tissue was completely obliterated, (I say obviously but idk how many ppl literally believe they were censoring human body parts here.)
Like, he doesn't even have fingernails anymore. The only reason he has a stomach still is because abdominal muscles are a skeletal support structure.
That gives the he heebie jeebies so good, honestly, and what an fascinating choice by the design team instead of giving him idk, age of ultron steel robot shaped abs, which i've seen a lot in like human--robot transformations, he's this horrifying mix of petrified/preserved cadaver tissue, magic metal, and sentient cosmic energy. (Even more tragic and sad if you think about it that way and that jayce might have been hugging his dead friend's preserved, skinned corpse)
the "reanimated corpse" idea fits into the interpretation that viktor's emotions and thoughts are still his, but they've been very dulled by the power of the hexcore, because a reanimated cadaver body isn't going to be able to work as effeciently that way anymore.
or idk maybe the idea that he was still sort-of there, faintly is one i like because it makes me feel better, i can at least pretend some part of him felt comforted being held in such a horrific situation. had to post this screenshot bc that sad little face when hes getting hugged is destroying me
Anyway. many thoughts, many feelings, many possibilities and interpretations. Do with this what you will. I, for instance, will be walking into the sea and never returning probably
#arcane spoilers#arcane#viktor#victor arcane#SDFJSDGH#jayce talis#sort of idk i don't rly talk much about jayce in this#long post#i am so sorry how long this is.#i gave up on meta or commentary posts a long time ago but i came back this once bc i feel like im going insane lol#kisses the design team on the mouth tbh#SPOILERS#body horror
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Part 2: The Alternatives
You thought you were safe just because it's been a couple months? No. Let's talk about the skirtless alternatives some seasons go for.
Neutral: just not gendering the suits in their basic construction is perfectly respectable, creates uniformity which is better for some designs, and is arguably less sexist; although as established we're not so much analysing the social implications here so much as what makes me swoon. Skirtless teams were a regular option earlier than you might think, with Goranger, Dynaman and Fiveman (and Sun Vulcan, but that doesn't count). Though it would be hard to argue that for instance the Momoranger suit isn't still very feminine. Just like with skirts, there's different colour schemes for the pants/leggings style: most commonly they use the main suit's solid colour or black, but white is also occasionally used. Which I prefer is contextual and I think they usually pick well for the individual design, though how rare white is makes me fond of it. I don't think Dynaman would be many peoples' thought for "hot sentai suits", but in motion those leggings are really flattering.
The leotard look: Part of what gives the Bioman/Changeman/Flashman trilogy its unique feeling, but it's still wild to me they've never gone back to it (the closest would be those male Jetman suits). But I'm biased, of course; if you know me, you know that I love those shows and that I love a space leotard. I do genuinely think it's a very fun silhouette compared with the long-pants look; but from a sex appeal perspective, there's something really magical to how much you can suggest with the same material by just moving a few lines around. Change Mermaid is a perennial favourite of Japanese suitfuckers for a reason. This is mostly for Changeman and Flashman, where everything is very clean and sleek and sexy, whereas Bioman is a bit more clunky by comparison, they were still working that aesthetic out and were leaning into the gadgetry theme besides. But I've come around on them recently, and it must be said the Bioman suits are using the "colours representing upper and lower layers" effect I talked about before to emulate long socks and gloves (on all five rangers!) in a way the other two aren't.
(Stray thought, but if you put a helmet on Farah Cat she'd look like a pretty convincing evil Flashman)
Bare leg: oh Battle Fever, you strange show, you. Like a lot of people, I don't really think these suits are, uh, good, per se? The big eyes and plastic hairpieces are a little haunting. Miss America especially, well, she's definitely distinctive, having both the only full-on wig and the only bare legs (in close-ups at least) in the whole sentai series. But again, memorable doesn't necessarily mean good. Still, I actually do think it would be cool to go back and explore the partial suit look sometime; if not often. After all, the complete enclosure of the human form is part of the sentai suit appeal. (I actually think exposed skin stands out less on more layered designs--Riderman and Tackle look unusual next to other Riders, but not as unusual as Miss America in a pink ranger lineup, imo)
Accessories: This is mostly a post about the actual suit construction, but as an addendum I do wanna mention that very occasionally the girl suits will have earrings, and honestly, that's never worked for me, because uh, the helmets don't have ears. Momoranger's are kind of charming in a clunky way, like the Goranger suits in general, and the fact they're detachable bombs does help. The crystalline Maskman ones actually would look pretty good in another season, but that team in particular look so good entirely because of how sleek and no-nonsense their design is. Having these objects sticking out of the helmet breaks that up. Rare point against those designs for me.
In conclusion: I'm glad we alternate between approaches, but bring the leotards back into that rotation. Three is not enough. Also keep doing the thigh-highs thing. Yes there will be one more of these, no I will not promise when.
Okay so Skirts on Sentai Suits
Part of a tokusatsu 20 questions going around recently was "do you like skirts on sentai suits?" Here's the thing: Not all skirts were created equal.
(Preface to all this: I know I am going to be unruly suit-horny here so for the record, give them to the boys too. Obviously.)
Broadly there are four colour schemes:
Suit is all its primary colour, including skirt (e.g. Ryusoulger, Denjiman)
Suit body and skirt are primary colour, legs are secondary colour (black or white) (e.g. Gokaiger, Dairanger)
Suit body is primary colour, skirt and legs are secondary colour (e.g. Goseiger, Liveman)
Suit body and skirt are primary colour, legs on the non-skirted suits are also primary colour, but legs on this suit are a secondary colour--THIS IS THE HOT STUFF BABY LET ME EXPLAIN WHY
Okay so it's about "something hidden" or "something you're not supposed to see". If the skirt and legs are the same colour, it all registers as the same 'layer'. If you have a pink/blue/whatever skirt over black or white legs, that more suggests "clothing over body". However...
The non-skirted suits also have black legs, right? So clearly, that colour/layer is also "okay to see". Symbolically, that's black pants. (Of course, tokusatsu suits aren't only hot in imitating the human form. But we're talking about tight bodysuits in this post, not big sexy monsters, so follow me here.)
But if you've got a skirt over black/white legs, and the non-skirted suits have solid-colour legs...now that's a symbolically "lower" layer than the 'costume' shape.
So thank god for ninjas. See, in Hurricane the solid colour is the 'clothing', and the grey is 'beneath'; the shoulders of the sleeves emphasise this (contrasted with the Gouraigers' black pants, whereas even they have grey sleeves). In other words, that's a colour that has to be covered on certain body parts to be 'appropriate', like skin does. In Ninnin, solid colour is 'clothing' and black is 'beneath'--extra emphasised by the thigh-highs, which as I recently posted about, Jesus Fucking Hell.
Like, this is all an illusion. Obviously, the colour 'beneath' is just a bodysuit. ShiroNinger's black legs under there look exactly the same as, say, ShinkenRed's. And let's not forget, nice legs in a tight bodysuit are nice in and of themselves. But the concealment...the suggestion of something forbidden...the whole colour scheme lining up to reinforce this...(And well, Hurricane Blue does even have blue 'panties' under there...which again, if you took away the skirt would just make the blue a leotard-style shape like the Flashman etc. suits and not feel like underwear at all, but the fact that it's hidden and you get brief flashes...)
Interestingly, there's a third season that achieves this effect a different way--Jetman:
Now, all the suits here have secondary-colour legs--but uniquely in all of sentai, here the boys get a short-shorts/leotard/something shape, not too far off the girls in, say, Bioman. This means that at least for the lower body, white is an 'underlying' colour (or pink for White Swan, a common colour-scheme-swap for white rangers in a team with white as a secondary colour). So you do get the layered/"this colour has to be hidden above the thigh so it's intriguing" effect...sort of...the upper-body colour scheme confuses this and makes it hard to equate it to an outfit shape, as I also recently posted about. (And ofc, imitating an outfit is not the only objective of a sentai suit--the Jetman suits look great!)
Potentially post 1/3 if I can be bothered to post the other two. Yes there is more to say about this. Yes you will get my opinion on every single team in the third one if I do. Yes there is something wrong with me
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Winn + Mac fusion idea. lalala.
#clemart#uhm. yeah sure boss up#ttcc#toontown corporate clash#mac opsys#winn dos#<- technically#Crome#idk i got inspired by a lot of the cog fusions going around. a lot of my notes are in the second one#if you can read them. i rushed them bc i wasnt planning on sharing but some of my friends like them ++ i had a change of heart#i dont think ive seen a toon/toon fusion so heh.. you know what i had to do#actually ive had the idea for a little bit. i just needed a push of inspiration#i tried to make them a nice mix between the two but i fear they lean too heavily on one side or another..sighs and kicks rock#technically speaking i wouldve left their arms a solid blue or maybe a blue/white. but i feel like with the hair the yellow is#blocked out. so i thought doing half blue half yellow would be a bit more balancing#like winns (and macs to a degree) design i put the green on the clothing rather than the body#this is a little more colorful than what i think is possible but tch whatever. sniffles. gets scared#i think ive given up on trying to keep drawing toon species that are only in game. go my bugs and jerboas who cares anymore#i might remove the blue from the tail later..idk....
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Cure Pumpkin design I did back in December with t-shirts, etc. in mind! mostly to make a shirt for @zukoromantic
#ai's random art#hirogaru sky precure#precure#pretty cure#hirogaru sky pretty cure#battamonda#cure pumpkin#shout-out to Spin for reminding me to post#if I make more designs to go with it I might put it up as stickers or smth like that#speedran the whole thing in like two days and the file was so heavy my laptop almost crashed several times jssjjs#one of the guys working at the shop where I printed the shirt recognized him immediately and I've never been so proud in my life XD#the colors are kinda meh bc it's made with printing in mind and I like to think they look better there jsjsjs
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triglycercule..
STOP I HAVENT FINISHED MY THANK YOU ART FOR THE FIRST BUNDLE OF JK AU DRAWINGS YOU SENT ME AND NOW YOURE GIVING ME THE FULL VERSION OF THE FOURTH ON E??? 🙁🙁‼️⁉️⁉️⁉️🙏🙏😭😭😭😭 THEH LOOK SO CUTE AND ADORABLE ANS PERFECT YOU DRAW THEM SO WELL I LOVE THE GRAYSCALE LOOK AND SEEINF THEM WITH LEGS THIS TIME IS SOOO CUTE I LOVE SEEING LEGWARMERS I M GENUINELY TEEKING GEEKING DYING IM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS‼️‼️‼️!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE A LEDGEND YIUR A GOD YOUR EVERYTHING THST THE WORLD NEEDED IM SO HAOPY SOMEONE DREW THE JK MTT I DIDN'T EVEN PUT THST MUCH EFFORT INTO IT.,,,,,.... theyre so happy they make ME so happy AND ASIDE FROM THST YOURE ACTUALLY SO GOOD AT ART THOUGH THIS IS JUST A sketch PROBABLY. clothing folds 🤤🤤🤤🤤 expressions 🤤🤤🤤🤤 hahhnds 🤤🤤🤤🤤 why do i feel like i shouldve see this artstyle from someone before. who are you gshaewru. what type of name is thatHUH??? NTBE TYPE OF NAMR AN AMAZING PERSON WOULD HAVE FOR THEIR UMBLR ACCOUNT YOURE SO AMAZING PLEASE DON'T DIE. ok but again thank you so much for the jk!mtt art i've never been more overjoyed in my life this is like a blessing from the gods themselves for me. NOBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME
#theyre so cute. theyre so cute. i will neber forget this#i will never move on from this i will forever remember thism gshaewru you are going to get everything that is coming for you. in a good way#WHO HAS FREE TIME TO DO THIS. WHO HAS FREE TIME TO MAKE ART OF A RANDOM TUMBLR ACCOUNTS LOWKEY CRINGE AU#i turned murderous and delusional freaks into cute schoolgirls and you thought. ah yes. time to draw that#AND TJEN YOU ACTUALLY DID IT YOU LUNATIC YOU ACTUALLY WENT AHEAD AND DID IT#i put jk au to the backburner ngl because i had other mtt content to do and think of snd finish#but ngl i might make more jk au designs then. i might make other aus in jk or at least resembling it#nanchatte seifuku my beloved. i cant wait to get back home and then try and replicate the jk mtts outfits with my own jk collection#THEYRE SOOOO CURE I CANT STOP LOOKING ST THIS#i need to make a comic on how horror's ribbon works i think#because you tried your best and i can see how you got the the idea that it was glued onto her head or something#but its actually tied around her skull. like it goes through the head wound and out from the bottom of the skull#DID I MENTION HOE CUTE THEY LOOKED HELP#i dont know if you ever knew this would make me this happy but it does make me this happy. incredibly happy#this is like giving a starving child a 5 course meal type of happiness#art for me takes so much time and energy and motivation to complete#and the fact that you made THIS PLUS THE OTHER THREE PHOTOS is just like#you HAD to have really wanted to draw them if you made that many in my eyes#ANS HOW LONG DID TJIS EVEN TAKE LIKE HELLO. i dont even think you've been following me that long#i love your srtstlye by the way its so amazing i cant describe it#the scribbly but also like. everything is meant to be where its meant to be. you know what youre doing#GENIUS. and they dont even look that horrendously not sans-like like i make them 💀💀💀💀#THEY LOOK LIKE THE MTT BUT LIKE. ALSO CUTE GIRLS. ITS THE PERFECT MIXTURE#tricule asks#stop with the jk fashion au content i wont be able to come up eith normal mtt ideas...... (i am thrilled st this no matter sorry i didnt me#jk fashion au#gshaewru strikes again
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"Photographs might work, but I'd need a bit more in depth ones, and I dunno if ya could capture those without damagin' anythin',"
As Diluc mentioned that they'd kept detailed records of the cellar design he'd hum and purse his lips momentarily. Having something akin to blueprints would help him to design one that would have the full functionality that the other man needed it to, while also having the protection that the Oni was planning on putting into place. The flooring above the cellar would be thick and guard from humility and temperature fluctuations in Inazuma itself, but he'd want the design to reflect the winery that Diluc was used to, as well.
"Somethin' like a blueprint I can look at would certainly help me. Quite a lot, actually, since I could get a feel for how it was constructed in Mondstadt, and figure out how to use the construction materials I intend to use here to keep the humility and temperature fluctuations from affecting what ya make here."
Perhaps the project did feel a bit personal to him, but it was also for Diluc, someone who he'd become friends with by chance. Someone he'd kept safe back when the other snuck into Inazuma by disguising him as a member of the Arataki Gang. While the Mondstadtian had never officially joined, he was essentially an honorary member, in that, should he come into any trouble while in Inazuma, he and Shinobu would be willing and able to aid him. She could likely help him get anything he needed approved taken care of, as well as be an overseeing lawyer should anything happen that required one.
"If there are any designs from your manor in Mondstadt that ya would like to be included, ya can have Adelinde send images of those places, too. I can work with the various local materials to make somethin' comfortable for ya."
He may not have pronounced her name properly with his thick accent, but he tried, and in that way he'd not meant any offense to the woman. He'd never met her, but with how Diluc spoke of her, he could tell his friend thought highly of her. He'd chuckle softly as the other mentioned that he'd put a lot of thought into it already. He had but he also wanted to let the other pick various aspects just the same. After all, it was going to be where he stayed while in Inazuma once it was ready for living in, and he'd be working from there as well.
"If ya have a certain design ya need for the areas the grapes will be planted, ya just let me know. I can always make somethin' outta bamboo, or another sort of wood that doesn't rot to help ya."
Since he'd never seen the Dawn Winery, he wouldn't know the set up the other was used to, and he wasn't sure how well it would translate to Inazuma itself, he was planning on erecting a tall fence around the property for the other, leaving an area that was open in the front for ease of delivery and the like. Tempered metal wouldn't rust as long as it was treated properly, so if Diluc preferred metal covered in bamboo for where the grapes would grow, he could do that too. The metal would make the design stronger so that if the plants grew heavy they wouldn't bend the wood itself.
"You're right, but I do want it to also reflect ya personally, so if there's anythin' ya want included ya just tell me."
Diluc’s lips curved into a small, genuine smile at Itto’s enthusiasm. He admired the Oni’s ability to throw himself into a project with such energy and care. Hearing the thoughtfulness in Itto’s words—about double layers of protection, stone carvings for character, and creating a space that reflected multiple influences—only cemented Diluc’s trust in him.
“I can send some photographs of the vault when I’m back in Mondstadt,” Diluc offered, his tone warm and accommodating. “Or, if you’d prefer, I could ask Adelinde to mail them here. We’ve kept detailed records of our cellar designs at the winery, and I’m sure there are plenty of reference images to draw from. That way, you’ll have a clearer picture of how they’re constructed.”
He paused, his eyes lingering on the sketchbook in Itto’s hands. It struck him how personal this project must feel to the Oni—pouring not only effort but also artistry into something that would carry their shared vision. “You’ve put a great deal of thought into this already, and I couldn’t ask for a better pair of hands to see it through. For the mansion itself and the smaller winery, I give you full liberty to craft something that feels right for the land. Your sense of balance between the traditional and the unique is remarkable. Whatever you decide will undoubtedly reflect not only Mondstadt and Inazuma but also the care and dedication you’re putting into this.”
There was a brief flicker of unspoken admiration in Diluc’s expression before he turned his gaze outward, toward the horizon. He knew Itto had a reputation for being a troublemaker, yet it was clear now how misplaced that perception was. The Oni’s tireless work ethic, grounded humility, and subtle creativity shone brighter than any rumor could dull.
“I’ll admit,” he added softly, “there’s something deeply reassuring about knowing this place will carry your signature. It feels… appropriate, in a way. Like it’s a reflection of the bond we’ve built.”
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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