#idk why i remembered it so vividly but i remember being conscious in the dream for a split second

[cosmicyeen]

Last night in a dream i had gotten lost so i decided to pull out my phone and call my family but the phone's keypad looked like this

[cosmicallyavg]

i think ive mentioned this before but sometimes i have dreams that are genuinely just my brain coming up with what are basically weird doctor who episodes???? and i just woke up from one

[rpf-bat]

If I Died...

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Angst/Drama

Summary: Sequel to They Found You On The Bathroom Floor (x). @snootbooper1000000 requested an alternate ending, in which Y/N does not survive. 

A/N: I’m gonna be honest, Snoot, I almost rejected your request. This story was already very dark to begin with, and what you asked for, is even darker. But, even though I didn’t want to imagine this, I found that I could, all too vividly. Idk if the ending’s any good, because I was crying by the time I finished this story. But, I guess it’s like the curse from The Ring, you know? I couldn’t get this scene out of my head, unless I wrote it down, and put it in someone else’s. 

**SEVERE TRIGGER WARNINGS ahead for SUICIDE, death, and alcoholism. Please read at your own risk.**

The doctors had tried their best to save you. It wasn’t their fault – Gerard had simply gotten you to the hospital, a few minutes too late. But, you didn’t blame him, either. You were the one who had chosen to die, who had ingested the poison of your own free will. What a cruel twist of fate, that you had realized, after the pills and alcohol were already coursing through your bloodstream, that you wanted to live.

You wanted to stay with Gerard. You didn’t want to leave him – not anymore. You had thought you were a burden to him, and that, in dying, you would make his life easier. But, you realized, as you watched the tears streak his face, as he desperately loaded you into his car, and tried to get you to a doctor, that killing yourself, would hurt him more, than anything else you had done in life.

It didn’t matter now. No matter how much you wished to still be alive, with him, holding him – you had died, and become a ghost.

You never had much faith in the afterlife. You had imagined your sentience would simply end – that death would take the form of a dreamless, peaceful sleep, where you would finally be free of the anxiety that plagued you. You had heard your mother at your funeral, pleading with God, to allow you to go to Heaven. Others – distant Catholic relatives – had whispered that, because of how you had died, your spirit would be condemned to Hell.

Everyone was wrong. Your spirit had become earthbound, instead. Your regret, your wish that you could have been saved, had trapped you here. You could see your mourners, but they could not see you, or communicate with you. Knowing that you were now stuck, conscious but unable to speak to anyone you loved, made you feel more depressed than ever.

You sat on your gravestone, staring down at the flowers that had been left for you, after the burial. The petals were being battered by the rain, that fell from the dark night sky. Thunder clapped overhead. You did not tremble. The strike of lightning could not hurt you anymore.

Your eyes darted up, when you heard the sound of a car, driving through the cemetery gates, towards your resting place. You recognized the silver vehicle immediately – it was Gerard’s Subaru. You had spent the last hour of your life in his passenger seat, as he tried fruitlessly to keep you from falling into the final sleep. You watched quietly as he got out of the car, and stumbled towards you.

Is he….drunk? you wondered. No, you thought. Gee’s been sober for years, he wouldn’t…..

His knees hit the ground hard, when he fell again, in front of your headstone. But, he didn’t stand back up. You saw the bottle he gripped in his hand. Cheap vodka. Gran Legacy. The same brand you’d used, to wash down the pills, that had stopped your heart.

“Y/N….” Gerard choked. He was already sobbing. His clothes were a mess. He looked like hadn’t slept in days. “Y/N, please forgive me….”

Forgive you, for what? you wondered, your heart aching. You were the one who wished you could apologize, for putting him in this state.

“I’m so, so sorry, Y/N,” Gerard slurred. “I tried to save you….I tried so hard, but it wasn’t enough….”

“Gee, it’s not your fault,” you said softly, knowing that he couldn’t hear you. You wished you could take him in your arms, tell him it was okay. But, your hands were now rotting beneath his feet.

“I should have gotten home earlier,” Gerard sniffled, wiping his eyes on his shirt sleeve. “I should have….known somehow, what you were planning to do, gotten the pills away from you, before you swallowed them….”

“Gerard, you couldn’t have known, what I was planning to do,” you frowned. “I hid my struggles from you….I didn’t want to burden you, with the truth of how I felt. I didn’t want anybody to know…..I didn’t think. I’m sorry. I’m the one who needs to be sorry….”

Your words remained inaudible to him. You watched him take another swig from the bottle. You wished you could tear it out of his hands. You hated, that you were the cause of his relapse. He had been so stable, for so long. You thought he was on the other side of it now.

But, you remembered the words he had spoken to you, in the car, mere minutes before you died. “Y/N, if you died, I don’t know how I’d live with myself. I’d blame myself, forever, for not being able to prevent this. For not being enough to keep you on this earth. It would make my own depression so much worse. I’d fall into a downward spiral.”

These words had made you realize how important you were to him. Your depression had convinced you that nobody really cared about you, that everyone would be happier if you were gone. But when he’d said that, you’d realized you were wrong. You’d prayed that he would be able to get you to the hospital in time, that you’d have a second chance, to make this all right. Your prayers had not been answered.

“You’d be so disappointed in me,” Gerard whispered, setting the bottle back down on the dirt beside him. “You’d hate seeing me like this. But I’m just not strong enough, to handle this, sober. I can’t…..I lied to Mikey. After your funeral, I told him I was going to the florist, to get more flowers for your grave. I didn’t. I drove straight to the fucking liquor store.”

He sobbed again, and you began to cry, with him. You reached out, and stroked his hair. But, you knew he wouldn’t be able to feel, the touch of your incorporeal fingers.

“I’m weak,” Gerard sighed. “I’m so weak, Y/N. This shit, it doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t take the pain away. Nothing will. I can’t keep doing it. I can’t go back to that empty house again tonight, and sleep, alone, in my empty bed, where you used to sleep beside me. I see you in my dreams all the time. I wake up, and you’re not there. You’re gone….you’re never coming back.”

“I’m sorry, Gerard,” you cried. “Gee, I was so selfish. I didn’t think about how my decision, was going to hurt you. I just wanted to end my pain. Now, you’re in more pain, than I ever was.”

“Every morning, I wake up without you,” Gerard continued, taking another drink. “I wake up, and I have to get ready for work, in the same bathroom where I found you. The door is still broken off the hinges, from where I kicked it in. No matter how much I drink, I can’t get the image out of my head. You, on the bathroom floor, with all those pill bottles next to you. So still, and so cold…..I can’t…..I can’t….”

He broke off again, his all body shaking as his tears fell, and mixed with the rain all around him. He could catch his death of cold, sitting outside in the rain, on a night like this. You didn’t think he cared at all.

You watched, as he pulled something out of his pocket. It glinted silver in the moonlight. Your eyes widened, when you realized, that it was a revolver.

“Gerard, no!” you cried. “Don’t do it, please!”

He took the gun, and pressed the barrel to his temple. “I miss you, Y/N,” he sobbed. “I want to be with you. I want hold you in my arms again.”

You wanted to be with him, too. You missed his touch, his warmth, everything about him. Being separated from him, right in front of him but unable to touch him, or speak to him, was unbearable. But, you knew this wasn’t right. It wasn’t his time yet. You couldn’t take him away from Mikey, from his mom and dad. From his bandmates, or all his fans, who called him their reason for living.

“Gerard, please put the gun down!” you begged.

“I wanna be with you tonight, Y/N,” he whispered, his hands trembling as he felt for the trigger. “I’m coming to join you, right now. Three…..two…..”

“NO!” you cried, and suddenly, the gun was flung out of Gerard’s hand, into a bush, several meters away. You gasped.

Did I do that?! you realized. Do I have the power to move objects, like a poltergeist?!

Gerard stood there, in shock. “Oh my god,” he gasped. “Y/N?”

“Yeah, it’s me, sweetie,” you said softly. “Can you see me?”

“I can’t see you,” Gerard confessed. “I can’t hear you but…..that was you, wasn’t it? Oh my god, you’re here. You threw that.”

“Yeah, I did,” you nodded, still surprised yourself. “I threw that gun as far away from you as I could get it. You don’t want to do this. Please. Please just go home.”

“….Why?!” Gerard screamed, as he ran towards the bushes, to look for the pistol. “Why won’t you let me die, Y/N?”

You gasped. You hadn’t expected this response.

“You have no right,” he sobbed. “You can’t tell me not to kill myself. You did the same thing. If you get to die, and escape your pain, why do I have to live, and suffer?”

“Dying didn’t end my suffering,” you sighed. “I’m in pain, right now, watching you do this to yourself, Gee. I can’t stand it. I never wanted this for you.”

He reached his hand into the thicket, not caring where the thorns scratched him. He wanted his weapon back. He wanted the end.

You reached out to him again, and this time, he gasped, when you placed your hand on his shoulder.

“It’s…..so cold?” he blinked. “Why can’t I move?”

You gripped him harder, holding him still, so that he couldn’t grab the gun.

“Y/N?” he gasped. “Y/N, is that you?”

“It’s me,” you smiled through your tears. “Gerard, I want you to live. Someday, I hope you’re able to overcome this grief, that I put you through. I don’t want you to live alone, in our house, forever. I want you to find someone, someday, who will give you the love you deserve. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough, to be that person for you.”

His fingers shook as he reached up, placed his hand, over your fingers, that still gripped his shoulder tight. “This can’t be real,” he whispered. “I…I drank too much, I’m hallucinating.”

“It’s real,” you whispered. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and you realized, that this time, he had heard you.

“Y/N,” he called. “Oh, Y/N, please. Please don’t leave me.”

“I’ll always be with you,” you promised. “I’ll always watch over you, Gerard. I love you so much.”

“I….I love you, too, Y/N,” Gerard answered you, crying even harder, gasping for breath. “Oh, my god. Baby. I….I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“I’ll always be here, Gee,” you vowed. “But right now, sweetie, you need to go.”

“No,” Gerard shook his head. “No, don’t let go of me, Y/N! I don’t care that your fingers are icy cold….keep touching me, please. Let me know that you’re with me. I still can’t see you….I….I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Gerard,” you explained to him, holding him closer. He shook like a leaf in your arms. “I made my choice. You tried to save me from that. It’s not your fault.”

“I can’t deal with this world, if you’re not in it, Y/N,” Gerard confessed. “You’re a hypocrite! You’re telling me I have to stay in this world, but you couldn’t do that yourself!”

“I wish I had,” you whispered. “I wish I was still alive. But, it’s too late for me now.”

“Don’t leave me here, all alone,” Gerard begged.

“I don’t know how much longer you’ll be able to hear my voice,” you admitted. You could feel, that it was draining your spiritual energy, to manifest your voice this way. “I feel like I’m fading away….I stayed because I wanted to tell you, that I forgive you. Now that I’ve done that…maybe I’m beginning to cross over?”

“No!” Gerard gasped. “No, please, please, Y/N, don’t leave me….”

“Gerard, I need you to leave the gun on the ground,” you implored. “Leave the vodka, too. Don’t come back here anymore. Go to AA. Go to therapy. Do whatever you need to do, but you stay in this world. Do you hear me?”

“Y/N….” Gerard began.

“Promise me,” you demanded. “Gerard, my spirit can’t be at peace, until I hear you promise.”

“Ok,” Gerard decided. “If you want me to live, Y/N, I’ll live for you. For both of us. I promise you.”

Gerard felt the pressure on his shoulder fade suddenly. He realized he was alone, as the rain stopped, and the first rays of the sun, began to appear on the horizon. He wiped his eyes, and slowly turned away from the gravestone, and walked back to his car. He still couldn’t believe, what he had just experienced. He put his head in his hands, waiting for the shaking in his fingers to stop. He stared at the picture, he kept taped to his window. Y/N, smiling wide, her arm slung around him. He knew that tonight, was the last time he would ever feel her touch.

“Until we meet again,” he mumbled. “But I’ll keep my promise….so that won’t be til I’m old and grey.”

[asknownaskatherine]

One of those most vivid dreams I ever had.

Sometimes human brain could be so messed up that it made you imagining weird things happening inside your head. And it feels real. So real and vivid.

Some of them are weird and dark, of course. But the rest of it are enormously beautiful and virtue.

Most of the time I tend to just enjoy it without any regrets that I even would continue my sleep to just continue my dreams as it’s like a tv series. Waking up feeling happy and that’s it. Ended up forgetting it.

But this time feels so beautifully real in its own surrealism.

It started pretty fast. Weird de javu moment playing incapable time lapse. Some nightmares inside, me defeating creepy little monsters. And things like that.

However the ending is the one I really loved. I can see through my eye so vividly. Mountains with few old styled home in the edges. A clear blue sky, my favorite view. Green grass on the other side. Idk but something in the middle of the mountains. And a small white and black stripped cat. I saw my dearest friends there. Not sure there how many of them but glad to know that I wasn’t alone enjoying that view. I still remember petting that cat while its sitting on my lap. So beautiful that I fully conscious with my surroundings.

2017′s December.

January, 2018.

So, new year huh? Well, to me it’s new year, same me. With some upgrades. So I don’t post this right after finished writing it. I need some time to re-evaluate my feelings in it while trying to understand the core message. Actually I’ve edited this already but unfortunately it’s just disappear. It sucks but fine I’ll try my best.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes”.

-It took me a while to remember what I wrote few hours ago. But the main thing is I really put my effort in this so somehow I’m feeling so extra in trying to make this as close as possible to my expectations.-

Another thing that I clearly remember is that I saw myself in the way that I always wanted to be. I see myself there, living on my dreams and desire. Being a doctor. I was a doctor there. I remember the moment I got somehow transferred into this universe, soon after getting mesmerized by the beauty scenery in front of my eyes. I was trying to capture the mountains and the sky. I was barely reaching out of my phone from my pocket, but then I stopped. I don’t know why. So that’s what makes me petting the cat. Never been feeling so amazed before. It would be nice if i could draw.

Childhood, It’s a part of childhood desire.

Childhood is the perfect times when kids tend to wish for simple little things that usually seems not-so-important and silly but has the more than enough strength to satisfy their fascinating desire. Kids are small and young people with a super power. So powerful that even could create infinity magical wonders.

when it’s about childhood, she recall herself living in a small town, where the mountains and sea meets. Where everything is just felt so real and pure. Living as a little girl who used to know that the world is not as big as she thought. All that she know was she’s happy with the way she is that time and how she felt so effortlessly optimist that she will be alright in the future.

I wonder how is it going now and how is she.

[leyvemealone-blog]

2 january 2017

I honestly didn’t know if I should post this on my fitness blog which i haven’t really been using because I’ve been too lazy to take care of myself. But I decided to post it here. God i have a headache. 

Idk how but I ended up in some section of youtube, maybe it was in my suggestions, but I ended up looking at a lot of loose skin videos and it really just brought me down. Loose skin has been a big hindrance to me. No, that’s a lie, I’m a hindrance to me, but loose skin has been something I’ve feared and have hoped I’d never have to deal with. I wonder if having a vegan diet during the weightloss will help me. This chick, High Carb Hanna on youtube ended up not having any loose skin and I think she lost around 70lbs.

fuck i started crying again. I cried earlier while watching the videos. When I see stuff like this, all I can do is think about how I’ve let myself get to this point. How I wish life wasn’t a one chance thing and that I could jump in a time machine and tell myself years ago to stop eating like a fucking pig as a child. 

Honestly. I don’t even know anymore if I’m fat from overeating for from not eating at all. ----takes hr break from writing this to text friend about edibles and vegan food--- When I was reaaaaally young i remember sneaking food and eating a shit ton and my brother troy making pig noises at me and calling me fat, and you know, honestly that could’ve happened one time, but it was so ingrained in me, I’ll never forget it. One summer I guess some of my friends thought that i was anorexic and purging because apparently i had lost a lot of weight, or at least a significant amount, but I don’t even remember losing any weight or anything at that time. I remember being... idk 160 in probably middleschool or early highschool, so still a lot for that age, but not horrible. Then all of a sudden I weigh myself and i’m like... 214?  I honestly have no idea how any of that happened. Idk if i wasn’t eating then or what... I want to know why I have legitimately no memory of a lot of my childhood. What have I blocked out. It honestly scares me. I have such good memory, but even when time was happening, I legit didn’t know how i happened. 

Let me explain better. I want to say it was 5th grade, first day back from summer, and I literally, just all of a sudden... I don’t know how to explain it, but I just had an awakening or something. I came to consciousness. The exact same as when I was probably 2 or 3 and remember feeling my body spirit move and fly into my body. I went down a rabbit hole just now and am now looking at reincarnation lol Before that however, I found a better wording for my experience. I had a moment that I became conscious of my existence. In that moment, as I opened the door to my previous room, I became aware that I was a person, a living entity on this earth. The moment I had in 5th grade as similar but slightly different as it wasn’t me realizing I was alive, but kind of ending a blackout period maybe. Like I read a book that had a lot of pages missing and I got tiny fragments of it. I vividly remember even at that time, not remembering what I had been doing up until that point. 

Back to what I was saying previously. I know that I rarely ate throughout middle school and highschool. Well, at least not until later in the day. I would not have breakfast because sleep is too precious, then most days I would eat nothing for lunch unless friends gave me food or I came upon money and used it to buy lunch. Mom refused to make me lunches once I hit... maybe 6th grade, but definitely 7th and on. Even to this day we don’t have very many ready made foods, and I was very picky as a child, well I still am, but now I know of different foods so I have a large variety of foods I like, just not ones that my mother makes. But because we didn’t have very many ready foods or stuff that was easy to make I tended to just eat... i’m not even sure exactly, probably just chips and cereal and nuts. probably hot dogs lol I feel that during those vital periods of my life, I rarely ate, and when it came to what I ate at home it typically wasn’t healthy. So then my system shut down probably and probably stored all this shit that I have now. 

I’m so afraid of things. 

When you’re fat, you fantasize of what it would be like to be skinny. To have people look at you because of how hot you are, not because of how hefty you are. People want to be your friend from just seeing you and not from having to get to know you. It being so much easier finding clothes. Not having to be embarrassed about eating food in public. Not having to constantly make sure clothes aren’t clinging to you so people don’t see your fat. Not being afraid to wear certain clothing because you’re afraid of how it will affect other people. God I wanna just wear a bathing suit and go swimming. I fucking miss swimming so much. I forgot how much I liked it because I became so attuned to how shitty people are. I’m crying again. There is just so many things you dream about. Then you think about the possibilities. The loose skin. What if you’re still ugly even when you’re skinny. What if it’s too late. What will you do with all the pictures of yourself being fat. What if you still have this skewed perception of yourself after you lose all the weight. What am I going to do? What.