#idk i���m not gonna take the deep dive into why i did this to myself

[harahmed]

I’ve thought a lot about why I prefer to type things on here and post them vs just writing about them in a google or word document and keeping it personal and safe. Back in HS it was a way to communicate the thoughts and emotions that confused me and angered me to my friends as well as the therapeutic aspect of it. Now I think there’s something symbolic about posting it as kind of a way to send off all these emotions that are bottled up inside of me. Sometimes I’ll encounter people that say what’s the point of talking about it if it won’t change anything, but now that I think about it I don’t think the people in my life that say that actually feel that way. For the things that they just keep to themselves and say “there’s no point in talking about it” it’s just easier to do that than to have to face the anxieties and issues in your life that you may not have the ability to change; like getting fired from a job or other difficult situations that seem out of your control. For the things they can change, it’s also so anxiety inducing to talk about them if you’re struggling with making the change. Making a change is like the goal of gambling...you can accept there will be ups and downs but your main goal is for an upward slope of net winnings over time. Sometimes though when trying to make a change it feels like you’re just nose diving downwards and in those cases talking about it just feels like a reminder of your inadequacy. I think this is one of those things that everybody deep down knows and just saying they don’t want to talk about it because it won’t change anything is just a translation of I’m exhausted from it and don’t want to confront it right now or maybe even anytime soon. My go to is you know even if it doesn’t change anything talking about it will help. I’m realizing through typing this that’s probably not good advice and i have to try to pay more attention to the context of the situation before i say that. Maybe I do already though and don’t realize it. Next time someone says that to me I’ll have to just ask first if they’ve talked about it with anyone else. Knowing first hand how exhausting it is to talk about something you feel powerless over maybe I should stop trying to push for people to talk to me specifically. I always felt like I could give advice that the average person would not give in a lot of different situations but maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit. It’s disheartening to not be sure about where I stand in this...if I’m someone that people appreciate trying to give them a nudge to talk about the things they don’t want to or if it’s overbearing and results in them avoiding talking to me about these issues. I guess that’s what I get for being a skipping rock over the lake of life. Not delving into the depths of it results in this i guess. When you finally start thinking about it you’re just so unsure because of the lack of reflection it feels like there’s nothing to ground you. I think what my lifecoach would say here is to remind myself of my identity and work from there. idk though i’m having doubts. reminding myself of my identity won’t translate to people understanding my intentions and even if i have good intentions I can’t force someone to understand that. Everytime I try it just makes the situation 100x worse.

It’s hard to keep others perspectives in mind on a day to day basis. Sometimes no matter how hard I try I just cannot see from another side. Most times though I don’t even realize that I should be thinking about others perspective because I’m so wound up in my own. I could say i will try to be more cognizant of it but I’ve said that a million times in the past couple of years with no plan to change...then it just falls in the back of my mind until another shitty situation comes up that reminds me that this is an issue I’ve had and have been aware of that went unresolved and resulted in this shit situation and it just keeps happening. how do people even change while trying to keep up with life...I feel like I barely changed after putting my life on hold for over a year. change is so slow it’s discouraging. I’m sure everyone feels that way but it doesn’t make it any better lol. feels like these thoughts i’m having are thoughts I should’ve had five years ago. Better late than never doesn’t make me feel any better either.

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My whole life I’ve found myself caring too much about the most random things that would cause me to argue with people until I push them away because I’m so stubborn and relentless.

I don’t understand how after the points I made you still feel the same way. To me it felt like what it probably feels like to you when i’m stubborn about something. I was stubborn in this case too but it’s because i care about m and talked to her in that 1 year more than I’ve ever talked to anyone else in my life. she’s important to me and I know her intentions are always good even though you don’t see that even after i tried to explain it over and over it just got stale. I feel like it’s silly to decide what someone’s character is because of something so minuscule in the grand scheme of what makes up a whole ass being. just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong and doesn’t mean there’s betrayal. everyone has the right to do that because itw ould be impossible to not judge people based off of tiny actions but it bothers me so much. I get that it’s because you care about your friend and I care about mine too but I feel responsible for silently ruining a friendship through speaking to you about anything and I regret it so much because it feels you completely contorted the mood behind what was said and it had an everlasting effect on a friendship that lasted longer than we’ve both known each other. something that was meant to be lighthearted and funny was taken so literally and seriously because your defensive about your friend. IDK how else to say the message and the words we made fun of were too mutually exclusive things. it’s like every other time I’ve told you that was supposed to be light hearted or funny and you just get so mad over it. I know it would be silly to blame you for that it just feels like inadequacy on my part for not thinking about how you would react to these things before I say them in the tone I do. everytime i say this shit in a joking tone I feel like it makesyou even madder for belittling the situation that you take so seriously and it makes me not want to tell you things but i also know that’s not a solution either and will just push you away but idk how to handle this. I wish i never told you. it’s so frustrating man. idt you feel any guilt about it because you probably think it’s for a’s best interest but i disagree with you whole heartedly which is why I feel even more strongly about it because through you this friendship was eroded to probably at this point nonexistence. you still won’t get that these were too separate things. I haven’t felt you were straightup wrong in a very long time but i feel that with this. you took something the wrong way then transferred that already incorrect thinking to fuck another relationshp up. i know it was for her best interest in your eyes but i feel like after the context I gave it should’ve opened your eyes a bit more but you just double down on your thinking and it’s frustrating. a taste of my own medicine i guess lol. based on your logic making fun of a word in a message doesn’t constitute bad character..especially when like a said 5 times she called me out for what i said. like what more would you want someone to do in that situation lol. finding humor in emotionally charged situations is a main *mature* coping mechanism in psychology. that’s steering a little too far away from the point though i guess. making fun of an unconventional word someone uses in an emotionally charged message doesn’t translate to making fun of the person or the message. even if it’s not completely independent things that doesn’t mean the satire was malicious or with bad intentions. why would you expect her to think about what she’s saying as deeply as you did when it’s just an everyday conversation lol. ‘i just feel she’s a shitty person for doing that’ when she probably never even thought about the joke again. you can say she could’ve looked at it through anita’s eyes but it’s so fucking hard to do that at baseline I literally struggle with it every day but when this one person does it this one time with a situation that MOST people would probably not think to think that way....to you it’s just black and white she’s a shitty person with bad character. I knw you know that’s not true so why are you being so stubborn about it. i feel like another reaosn you don’t like her is because she was there for me during that time you were really struggling in and thought i wasn’t but like take that out on me not on her. it feels like you are just so much less understanding to any girl in my life and way too understanding with me. I wish it would just balance out a bit more but you’re not a robot. i don’ tknow i’m just upset with how you see this person that’s important to me and that i care about and it ruined a friendship that it shouldn’t have. if i didn’t tell you that one joke things would still be good between them and it’s over something so stupid. i get to you it’s not stupid but take into consideration the context of the conversation at the time not how you want her to feel about it given what you know bc she knew prob 5% of the details you know about our situation so if you should be mad at anyone it’s me not her.

it’s frustrating that anytime i face some sort of emotional adversity i just want to drop everything do nothing and just be left alone. i’ve had the luxury of doing it in the past year with my year off but i have a feeling it’s gonna make it a harder habit to kick. i just wanna sleep and play video games and take my mind off of all of this.

[wannawrite]

Let’s Just Laze [ night ver ]

Wanna One’s Bae Jinyoung X Reader [ fem ver ] Fluff bullet-point ver. wanna one masterlist produce 101 masterlist day ver [ coming soon ] • lazy nights with your boyfriend, Bae Jinyoung • just fluffy and pure hello!! finals are taking a toll on me. I’m literally only able to write late at night or on the way to school in the mornings rip lol but I have to do something more productive than sleeping all the time not prepared for finals at all I can just throw myself off a bridge but I hope you like your Baejin fluff sis, @lai-gvanlin !! even if it is in bullet-point - Admin L

🌗 nights with Bae Jinyoung 

• honestly • you don’t know anymore, all you know is that you fell asleep in a really comfortable place • your finals just ended and after days of cramming and endless studying, you’re drained of all energy yet you still agree to go hang out with your boyfriend • luckily, you guys just crash at his place • it’s like 3.30pm? you guys should be going to celebrate by getting milk tea • but it is your Senior year finals and it is just too tiring and it wore you out completely • his parents are overseas for work so the house just holds the two of you • you have no shame • you throw yourself onto Jinyoung’s bed and before you know it, your head droops and your eyes flutter shut • zzzzzzzz • Jinyoung comes back with a glass of water for you only you fast asleep on his bed • the smile on his face • o m g • he’s just super amused and happy you’re finally resting • you deserve to sleep as much as you like without being disturbed so he takes the couch • idk another way to spell cuddles is J i n y o u n g • but at the same time he doesn’t want to disrupt your sleep • he catches zzzzz on the couch • when you open your eyes, it’s pitch dark other than the moonlight shining in from his open window • it takes you a few minutes to recount what happened • you know like that weird feeling when you’re awake but not really • yes, that • you find Jinyoung asleep outside in his living room and lets out a series of ‘aww’s bc why not he’s adorable • you realise neither of you have eaten dinner so dig around in his kitchen, making a mental note to reimburse his parents • but they love you so much they won’t have it. in fact, they’ll probably buy groceries for you • you find a ton of stuff • at first, you aren’t quite sure what to cook and you want to just run to the nearby convenience store to buy instant noodles • but you’re also like ‘f*ck that Jinyoung deserves healthy food’ • ‘I am talent.’ • ‘I scored an A* for home economics Gordon Ramsay is shaking’ • also bc you two are a domestic couple • so wholesome :“) • Jinyoung wakes up to the smell of food cooking in the kitchen and the thinks someone broke into the house • he doesn’t go to investigate because he’s tired • 'Did they break in because they wanted to use my kitchen? They can’t be dangerous.’ • 'They could be boiling a huge pot of water to dunk you in.’ • yup, he’s up and at you • but his anxieties fade when he sees you just out here cooking • lmao I actually can’t cook rip future husband idk how I got that A in home economics • you’re just casually boiling soup and adding carrots in when Jinyoung hops onto the counter • 'Babe, what are you doing?’ • 'Cooking dinner? We both didn’t eat.’ • he laughs and ruffles your hair, 'You know we could have gone out somewhere nice right?’ • you raise your eyebrows and holds up a knife like bOI • 'Are you saying my cooking isn’t good?’ • wh00ps Jinyoung • 'no! No! You don’t have to slave over it. You should have woken me up!’ • lol Jinyoung you sleep too deeply • you shake your head and continue focusing on the food • ’….so what are you making?’ • ’……um you’ll see.’ • Jinyoung offers to help and he does even after your endless protests • guys i had to google what to cook, easy dishes etc can you believe this what a great wife i’ll be • just gonna assume Jinyoung likes traditional Korean food so you’re like bitch let me impress you with my skills I will surprise you we didn’t even learn this in home economics watch me • ’…….is that….sujebi?’ • ’….yes.’ • bc you are a domestic goddess you also made a ton more food • with Jinyoung’s help • tbh he isn’t a terrible cook • very diligent and precise • measures each cube of onion to perfection • this turned into cooking with Jinyoung • Gordon Ramsay who? I only know a Bae Jinyoung • he did like two steps before giving up and considered calling his mother to thank her • love and respect your parents :”) • 'you know Y/N you’ll make a great mother one day’ he says without thinking and then proceeds to melt into the floor • his knife nearly clatters to the floor • you pretend you didn’t hear that but your red face exposes you • 'I’M SORRY!’ • ’…it’s fine.’ • …..Jinyoung leaves the kitchen out of embarrassment • but not before completing his tasks and asking if you need anymore help • you’re good and honestly, you’d probably combust at the sight of Jinyoung being more domestic • like some newlyweds or something • anyway • he proceeds to raid his hidden snack pile in his room and cries into his pillow • poor baby • only shows his face again when he hears the telltale sign of silverware • helps to set the table • still can’t look you in the eye but you’re pretty used to it by now • he’s!! still!! shy!! around!! you!! let!! him!! live!! • you literally pull a Masterchef move and dramatically lift off the cover of the pot • 'voilà’ • me as a chef • he starts taking a lot of pictures and won’t stop thanking you • you?? are?? literally?? perfect?? • wifey material • he’s going to put a ring on you • when he brings out his polaroid camera you’re like 'nO JINYOung STOP THIS’ • takes polaroids anyways • you two talk over dinner • about your day, exams, school, life, weird things like why pizzas are circular but you cut them into triangles, why chairs has the word 'hairs’ in it • then you lounge on the couch while Jinyoung does the dishes • you’re smiling bc it feels like you guys are a real couple now • uGh iDK WHY I’M GETTING EMO • the night is still young • boi wdym it’s like 9pm ?? let me sleep • but you two decide to watch a movie • Ironman becomes Toy Story and then Finding Dory then Me Before You • laughter becomes cries • your head rests on his shoulder and he’s holding you close • lol when will I ever • the movie ends and you two decide to call it a night • after that, you try to untangle yourself from Jinyoung • the time is like wh00ps it’s 2am • Jinyoung goes to get ready for bed and you wait for him in the living room • you send him memes while waiting • he comes back and pretty much insists on you showering and staying over since it’s so late • you don’t really have a say in the matter but it isn’t bad, he uses strawberry scented shampoo • you come out of the shower smelling like fresh strawberries and wrapped up in one of his shirts and spare running shorts • bc you’re always prepared • Jinyoung is prone to melting into the floor pls watch him • he watches you struggle to dry your hair • 'sorry babe but…would you let me help you?’ • you happily agree and surprisingly, he’s really good with hair and styling • considering the fact that he always goes to the salon and never actually does anything by himself • you are pretty impressed by how good he is with the hair brush and hairdryer • towel dries after your hair is only partially damp because he’s scared of drying out your luscious hair completely • also because he has burnt out a hairdryer before and doesn’t want to risk his expensive one • you two lay on his bed, side by side just breathing your own air • for a good hour, he’s tucked into a novel Guanlin recommended while your watching a drama Jisung suggested • the clock strikes 4am and you get a tap on the shoulder • Jinyoung smiles playfully at you, 'babe, let’s do something fun.’ • your suspicion arises but you agree and follows him into the bathroom • he plucks out a whole set of face masks • stick on masks, gel masks, clay masks, wash-off masks, scented masks, coloured masks, stay-on masks • you name it, it’s in that box • 'woah’ • 'wait how did you afford this?’ • Jinyoung blushes, 'it was a sponsor’ • god bless i n n i s f r e e • you two go about selecting whichever masks you want • 'wait babe is your face even big enough for this?’ • 'Y/N STOP THIS’ • there’s even a 'lollipop’ flavoured one how fitting • he helps you apply it prettily and in a n aesthetically pleasing manner • doesn’t do you dirty unlike how Sungwoon was done • sexy bandit lin lin • it actually comes out pretty cute ?? just like in the advertisement • the flash goes off a dozen of times because he takes pictures 'for the memories’ • but really, he’s showing off to the world how he’s pampering his baby through his IG boomerangs • yeah his like 78k followers really needed to see how well you guys are off and keep their thirsty asses in their own lane • since your masks needs 15 minutes to set, you two lay on his bed • a nice peaceful silence settles over the two of you • one of your hands laces with his while the other traces the curves of his face • Jinyoung is g o r g e o u s have fun with that ;) • he just chuckles and admires your beauty from time to time • it’s ethereal • his eyes just stare lovingly into your own and that’s the best part • not to mention his eyes are a little droopy and dreamy • steals a couple of kisses • you love how soft his lips are • thank you innisfree for the A+ lip balm • there isn’t much to do except talk and since it’s past 12am it’s a deep conversation • like really deep • won’t dive into details but it’s about your past, future, aspirations • just supporting and encouraging each other • you’re nearly in tears by the time he ends • you nearly fall asleep again with your mask on when Baejin goes to wash his off • he crosses his arms over his chest and chuckles when he comes back to your sleeping form • Jinyoung knows enough and he knows that not washing your mask off could be a terrible thing • maybe he just wants an excuse to be all tender and loving towards you just let me cry in peace • he attempts to clean off majority of the mask with a wet face towel but has no choice but to wake you up • he clutches you tightly so you don’t fall asleep while cleaning off your mask • 'i’m sorry sweetheart….i’ll cuddle with you later.’ • you pout and sigh, offering out your pinky for him to clasp • Baejin ain’t having it, he just envelopes you in a tight, warm embrace • he loves skinship so much doahdosjaidh • cuddling is a must • legs crossing over • your head rests on his chest while one of his arms wraps around your shoulder • he ends up being the one turning the lights off • it’s reassuring to have him cuddle you, just radiating off love and warmth • he pecks you one last time on the cheek for that day • 'goodnight, my love.’

[starstomakehisheart]

!!!!!!!!!!!1-100!!!!!!!!!!!

1. What is you middle name? Alan 2. How old are you? 15 3. When is your birthday? November 18th 2001 4. What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio 5. What is your favorite color? Deep passionate red 6. What’s your lucky number? 42 7. Do you have any pets? 2 birds, Azir and sunny, and a toy poodle named Ellie 8. Where are you from? Bumblefucksville Nebraska 9. How tall are you? 5'11" 10. What shoe size are you? 10 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? like ~6 12. What was your last dream about? I met someone I miss and it made me sad when I woke up 13. What talents do you have? I am part of theatre, i play bass guitar mandolin drums piano and sing abhorrently 14. Are you psychic in any way? Sometimes i feel like i can use dreams to see future or just deja vu i guess 15. Favorite song? This is fluid, mostly it's the memories and people I attach to songs, like some are linked to relationships and those give me the most meaning. 16. Favorite movie? sos I can't think of one 17. Who would be your ideal partner? Someone who makes me feel like I'm always wanted, is willing to do cute things with me, and is willing to cry with me. 18. Do you want children? This is tough because I enjoy spending time with children, but I currently dont want any, nor can i forsee it. But i'm sure my values will change 19. Do you want a church wedding? For my parents, plus that means they provide the cake >:D 20. Are you religious? Recently I've been drifting away from the catholic church I've belonged to since I was born. I still read in mass, and play in the band, but i don't feel as sincere as i once did 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Not for an injury, I'm too stronk 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? I once got a protection order from a divorced step parent (whoops) 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? I met the guy who worked on pirates of the caribean, he had hair down to his ankled and it was cool 24. Baths or showers? showers in a rush, baths when i have a whole afternoon of privacy and relaxation (that and i don't fit in my bathtub :( 25. What color socks are you wearing? Invisible 26. Have you ever been famous? I want to say no, but i've done some noticeable things 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I'd like to be recognized for doing cool things, but not so much I cant live the life i want 28. What type of music do you like? I go from heavy core metal to flute solos, i dont even know what i like 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Not yet 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two, one for my head and one to hold 31. What position do you usually sleep in? Fetal position i guess 32. How big is your house? Midsize, it's really nice for my situation 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Two poptarts, microwaved, and milk 34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes, my brother and i shoot a .22 and a glock at a farm occasionally 35. Have you ever tried archery? Ehhhhh not really 36. Favorite clean word?a disapointed "Oh" 37. Favorite swear word? Shiet 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 23 hours, i was close but I am weak 39. Do you have any scars? I have a black mark in the middle of my hand because I stabbed myself with a pencil once. On my temple and my galendilil, idk why tho. 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? I think, but i usually find out eventually 41. Are you a good liar? Depends on who i lie to, friends see through me, but adults are ez 42. Are you a good judge of character? Not really, I see too much good in everybody 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Name it and i'll try 44. Do you have a strong accent? God i hope not 45. What is your favorite accent? Jersey accent, not because it's pretty but it makes most things funny 46. What is your personality type? Enfp-t 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My suit 48. Can you curl your tongue? like a hot dog 49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innies for the winnie 50. Left or right handed? Right 51. Are you scared of spiders? Only if they fite me 52. Favorite food? Spaghetti 53. Favorite foreign food? I lik indian 54. Are you a clean or messy person? Messy 55. Most used phrased? Oh, okay 56. Most used word? Uhhh 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30 mins tops 58. Do you have much of an ego? Yeah, it's starting to be a problem 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? a good succ 60. Do you talk to yourself? Too much 61. Do you sing to yourself? TOO MUCH 62. Are you a good singer? uh uh 63. Biggest Fear? Being hated and alone 64. Are you a gossip? More than i should be 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? The beginners 66. Do you like long or short hair? depends really on who it's on 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? uhhhhhhhh no 68. Favorite school subject? Math or band 69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Nope 71. What makes you nervous? Being judged and answering 100 questions but it's okay i love you 72. Are you scared of the dark? I'm afraid ill trip or step on something 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Yes but i try to be nice about it 74. Are you ticklish? y e s    i t s   a   p r o b l e m 75. Have you ever started a rumor? Not one that is untrue 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Not really 77. Have you ever drank underage? Hell yeah, it was peach schnapps and a shot of ginn 78. Have you ever done drugs? kinda? hard to explain 79. Who was your first real crush? Eighth grade, A fellow percussionaist. When i asked her out i said the stupidest nerdy thing and got shot down real hard. 80. How many piercings do you have? none yet 81. Can you roll your Rs? Not sexily 82. How fast can you type? Fast enough i suppose 83. How fast can you run? I wouldn't be very good in a slasher film 84. What color is your hair? Blonde 85. What color is your eyes? Blue green 86. What are you allergic to? Cats 87. Do you keep a journal? I write down things tht bother me and look at them later and analize them 88. What do your parents do? one teaches the other sells insurance 89. Do you like your age? I realize that all my friends were met because we were born all at the same time, and the ones i wish i were older for I wouldnt know either 90. What makes you angry? People being rude for no reason, rare but happens 91. Do you like your own name? My names sounds like a frat guy, but i cant complain 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I wouldnt be very good at choosing 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? A girl probably 94. What are you strengths? Being willing to volunteer for others, being forgiveing but not forgetting, lying when i have to, pain tolerence 95. What are your weaknesses? Feeling rejected, i judge myself based on ohters, Emotional vulnrebility in general 96. How did you get your name? My mom just like the name Brad, But my middle name comes from Alan alda (like from mash) cus they liekd him a lot 97. Were your ancestors royalty?I come from the clan O'Donovan of Ireland, not really loyalty, but coolio trivia 98. Do you have any scars? One in my hand, two on my head 99. Color of your bedspread? Blue 100. Color of your room? Like eggshell it is really boring not gonna lie one wall isn’t even painted yet

[ghostliied]

my url if you want ~

( ✦ ✦ — some positive thoughts ; kind of accepting ✦ ✦ ✦ )

Ah yes, Grey. You’re probably gonna have to sit down for this. Cause it’s probably gonna be a lot. Maybe. IDK

Can I just start by saying that while I thought that we have been mutuals for like… a short amount of time. That’s actually far from the truth okay. Like legit I completely did a brainfart, didn’t put two and two together and realise it but! I followed you wayyyy back when I was on Red lol. Anyway. That being said, my thoughts are pretty much the same as they were then. I did honestly like your muse and I kinda wanted to interact because honestly?? I enjoyed what I saw but also because at the time I had resurrected Aitwo at the time for the 3rd time. jshld Idk Mewtwo kinda gave me motivation to write and I’m not just saying that cause I wanted to interact with you but it was because what you wrote made me want to write. 

Keep in mind that not many people that I don’t talk to actually give me motivation to write. Usually what causes me to write are my partners or if I’m in a lot of turmoil and need to write. But whenever I saw you on the dash I kinda had a feeling of excitement and happiness kinda just come to me. and I genuinely couldn’t tell you the real reason why because I don’t 100% know why it happened, but it just happened. And that was that I wanted to write. Maybe it was because I read some HCs from you or maybe the fact that whatever HCs I did read I felt like I could kinda relate because they were good headcanons. 

As a writer, I love exploring and diving deep into HCs and whatnot. This goes for all of my characters. So when I find somebody who puts effort into their headcanons and bio, I get really, really excited to see them on the dash. Like you! I got really happy to see you on the dash.

And it’s still the same to this day tbh. I really do enjoy your presence on the dash. I wish I could come to your inbox more and just ask all the HC asks I can think of because honestly I love headcanons okay? And I love to hear your 2 cents on your own characters. Theres still a lot I dont know about your characters (probably cause I’ve just been gone 90% of the time) but that’s just a small detail that can be smoothed out. :3 

I know I’m probably being very redundant, but! honestly I don’t think I can tell you how much I genuinely want to talk to you about your muses okay? And that’s just your muses alone! I have yet to actually go into you as a person too! Which I will do now tbh.

The first time we actually talked was on my alex muse. I posted something about wanting to smut (but not actually being able to smut) and you pretty much went :eyes: No wait I looked at it my words were more on the lines of ‘I want to sin but…. HOW TO SIN.’ and then i went to message you and we talked about it. and I feel like the convo kinda didn’t go far. and I feel bad cause if you were asking/telling me that you would write sin with me, I totally don’t mind just that I’m bad at it. I can plot it, apparently I can plot it very well I have come to notice in these past few weeks. and they probably know who they are cause I’ve only plotted it thoroughly with this one person. :D 

but! I digress. I hope you know that I wasn’t trying to like push you away when I was saying I’m VERY bad and kinda uncomfortable with it.. I promise you that I still VERY MUCH would want to TRY it. and you saying such positive things to me about it made me really wanna try it more (hence why i went on to plot it was a friendo a while ago). and honestly I really REALLY wouldn’t mind if you wanted to plot something out with Alex. I’ve really been wanting to approach you again about it. I promise you that Alex is nothing like M, M and Alex are just escort buddies its just business between them. Maybe… lmao. No but really. I would like to try and genuinely get better. I haven’t written smut since… ugh forever and forever ago I REALLY didn’t know what I was getting myself into I had no support or anything. But really. I  REALLY do feel like you gave me enough courage and support there, even if it doesn’t feel like it, you really do motivate me Grey. and I don’t think I can thank you enough.

even if you don’t think you are, you REALLY do. and I need to stop being a baby and talk to you more about everything in general because I really am kind of afraid to take the step and talk to you more. It’s really keeping me from sending you so many HC asks and other stuff too. And I know that we all are busy and we all have our people that we talk to, that’s why I don’t really say anything because We AREN’T close. I really wish we were cause BOI can I just say that there’s a lot that I wanna talk about and I wanna be there for you too cause like I do admire you and value you as a person and as a writer. and as somebody who also struggles with wanting to be here, I just kind of want to make sure you’re alright. Because you do matter. 

thank you for always making my day.