#i've been sitting on this tweet for two years y'all

[rainbow-arrow]

Please… drop that lukadrien endgame essay…. Because every time I try and write mine I get too emotional

the noise i just made was not human

listen. it is coming. i am a very very busy little bean (who spend all of their free time writing a lukadrien bridgerton au) but this is something i am so passionate towards. so yes. it's coming (it's just all in my head rn lol)

(it would also be fucking hilarious if this tweet was real)

[simplepotatofarmer]

Blog Update:

Hi, it's me, Loyal.

I just want to say first and foremost, I really do love (parts of) the fandom and I'm not going anywhere.

I will, however, not be around as much. One, I'm about to enter an all day intensive treatment plan so I'll literally just be on in the evening. Two, as much as I'm going to keep writing and creating, I have no intention of interacting publicly with fandom as much as I have.

I can't. It's actually fucking insane that it's gotten to this point. I made tribute post and because I used lyrics from Dream's song, I got harassed. The people doing this, acting like this, thinking this way are insane.

So in case it's not clear: Based on my personal lived experience and some information that's come to light, I still enjoy Dream's content. You can approach me personally, off anon, if you want to know my reasoning. If you dislike me for this, that's fine. But I'm done trying to walk this fine line just so I don't get people threatening me, my kids, and my pets. Just so people stop sending me the city I live in, so they stop digging up twelve year old tweets, so they stop calling me slurs and suicide baiting me.

That's absolutely insane. It's horrible. It's disgusting and I was honestly just sitting here, taking it, because I'm terrified of upsetting people and losing friends if I say 'yeah, I'm excited for a new manhunt and I also this song helped me and my kids process my grief'. And the worst part is, it's not an unfounded fear. People have done the most vile shit to me. People I thought were friends jumped on me instead of those harassing me.

I just want to post about Techno and c!Rivals duo and not worry about whether or not this post is going to get me hate. I don't want to worry about how random discord servers are talking about me.

Because that's fucking batshit. Not the worrying, but what these people are doing and I'm tired of letting this effect me. I have enough going on in my personal life. My partner of 15 years almost died. We almost lost our house. I should be able to come online and post about the silly minecraft guys I like and their RP and lore without censoring myself out of fear of literally being doxxed and cyber stalked. I should be able to talk about the racism that effects me without being afraid people will make it about cc drama or calling me slurs or erasing my identity as an Ojibwe person.

The people doing this are the problem. It hurts that so many people are part of this, it really does. But I can't keep letting it get to me. I've always done my best to be kind. I haven't been perfect, especially not lately, because all this hate and stress has gotten to me. I've lashed out. I shouldn't have.

And I shouldn't have had to deal with all that shit in the first place. I hope no one else does. It's terrifying and draining and I'm done.

So I intend to post the things I enjoy, I intend to reblog my friends' art, write the Emerald duo and Rivals duo fics I want to. I want to post about the Syndicate and the new manhunt when it comes out. That's what I'm going to do.

Asks are staying off for the moment because people are too happy to make burner blogs but I'll probably turn them back on at some point as I love answering lore and headcanon questions and, again, it's fucked up I can't enjoy an aspect of the site and fandom because people can't just leave me alone.

To those people: Get help. You're harassing someone because you think they deserve it and that's the most fucked up thing.

To everyone else: So so many of you have been amazing. You've been supportive, you've been kind. That kindness and support speaks volumes and I love you all. I genuinely love you. Dreblr, you've been here for me for over a year at this point and I cannot thank you enough. You are the best part of fandom as far as I'm concerned. And to Dtblr, y'all have come to support me countless times and that means the world to me, it really does. As for all my fellow Rivals duo fans, you people are worth your weight in gold for the joy you bring. A special shout-out to @vpofcookies because you've been here since the beginning, practically, and I love you. There's more but you know who you are.

Anyway, I've been carrying this for awhile and I'm tired. I'm no longer going to give any amount of thought to the people determined to drag me down and harass me constantly.

My best advice is stop focusing on the things and people you hate and instead focus on what you love. That's what I plan to do, from here on out.

[according2thelore]

2023 top five!

@preseriesdean thought it would be fun for artists/authors/creators to post their favorite five creations this year, and i agree! it can be anything: your favorite posts, fics, art, edits, fanvids, anything!

i saw some folks turning this into a tag game, so here are some tags! @deanwinchesterpregnant @dyed-red @mercette @crucifysam @weirdbrothers @togethertogethersoulmates @pookeenpie

if you end up doing it, pls tag me! i'd love to see y'all's works! :)

-lizzy

so in no particular order, here are the five fics i liked the best/am the most proud of!

considering that everything i’ve written on this account (240k words of it good lord) was published since february 23rd, i’ve got a lot to work with!

i was in the fandom back in 2012-2013 until 2016-2017, and when i rewatched it recently with some friends, i realized just how many words and feelings had been broiling since. i wrote a LOT for spn back in the day (not published, just for the pure joie de vivre), but everything on the ao3 is completely new since feb!

1. tell me, why are you still so afraid?

or, the "what do you want, sam?" fic. this one might be a surprise! it did moderately well, but i'm really happy with it! i love writing weechesters/pre-series, and i hope this fic did them justice! it hit a lot of points i liked, and i had so much fun writing it!! i'm proud of it! :)

2. you're pretty when you don't speak

or, sam's wife pov. i was shocked!!! aghast!!! frankly agog!!! at how much folks loved this one! i had the idea in the shower of all places, lmao, just the idea that wait, being sam's wife must be so lonely. it was not the usual fare (and written in second-person pov), so i was expecting it to gently and quietly flop. but no! i wrote this fic in two sittings at one a.m. the night before a paleopathology exam, so i'm shocked any of it was coherent in the morning. thank you, dear reader, if you interacted w it at all! :)

3. romans 3:10-11

ahh, romans. to other folks that write, this was one of those fics that scratched in my bones until i sat down and wrote it all out. does that sound pretentious? it was stifling; it was all i could think about. even now, i look back on it and feel like there are things that are missing, extended scenes and extra themes that i wished i had teased out. the response was overwhelming and positive and i'm so glad you lot liked it! if you ever want more...idk...lemme know...

4. we didn't get it right, but love we did our best

or, the Heaven fic! this one took awhile to make, and a lot out of me to do! it's the longest fic i've made this year, by a lot! the planning process was a lot of fun (even though charlotte was mostly asleep), and i even colour-coded themes and turning points i wanted to include. the sense of accomplishment when it was done was a great part of this year!

5. there's no such thing as a clean break, when your heart starts bleeding out

or, the stanford!era fic where dean bleeds out on the highway and decides to not tell sam about it. one of my favorite things to write is a character getting more and more out of it as they lose control (or blood), and this one was a fun challenge! i love stanford!era dean, because he's so mangled and angry and sad. i feel like that one tweet that william shatner posted where he said ELECTROCUTE HIM!!! this also feels the most like the things i wrote back in 2014, so it brings nostalgia :,)

this was WAY harder than i thought! i loved and was so proud of so much of my work this year! a top ten would be easier, but i'm happy with this list!

thank YOU for reading! :)

we are holding hands now and there's nothing you can do to stop it. y'all keep this up and we might even have to stare lovingly into each other's eyes.

[mimiatmidnight]

Hey! How are you? Would like to say that I LOVE your blog, and I was wondering if you would like to update your top 5 H&M moments, maybe add another 5??

Folks, if you've ever wondered what is the oldest message sitting in my inbox, it's this one. (Well, I'm pretty sure there are a couple others that are a touch older but every time I try to scroll back that far, my inbox just glitches. There are . . . a lot of messages sitting in there. Sorry about that 😬). So I just want to say thank you to this anon and everyone else who has sent me tens of messages over the years asking for this updated post (unless the messages were all from the same one person all this time, in which case, my god I'd feel even GUILTIER).

It's been two years since the original, but an even wilder FIVE years since Harry and Meghan wed in one of the most consequential events in modern cultural history. What a wonderful, special day to look back on their relationship, with even more of my favorite moments between these two unlikely lovers. While writing this post, I laughed, I swooned, I cried. And I, uh, REALLY went off the rails at the end. Content warning for just the sickest, sappiest philosophizing you've ever seen. I'd apologize, but I just can't help it. Harry and Meg just have that effect on me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, with one more thank you to everyone who has been so patient and kind and loving to me these past few years, let's get into it! Five(-ish, lol) more of my favorite Harry and Meghan moments:

5. WE will not look a mess

I'd be remiss not to start this list of my personal favorite H&M moments with what is, judging by the numbers, arguably the entire WORLD'S favorite H&M moment. This iconic video by twitter user @/ddarveyy is perhaps the Sussex Squad's most viral fan tweet of all time? And if qualitative evidence is more convincing to you than quantitative, this video has been blessed with the mark of being liked by none other than Madame Rhianna herself. That's certified social media Diamond. The tweet also spawned some great jokes, ranging from Virgo Harry always making sure to keep his wife looking on point, to some people speculating about certain other, ah, intimate contexts where H might have developed this habit of putting his hands in her hair.

Ahem, either way, I've always seen this touching practice of his as being in the same vein of all those times he watches out for her footing on stairs or treacherous terrain. He's always on standby, always keeping an eye on her, never 100% focused on something else when she's near. You know, just in case she needs help. Or (more likely) just in case he has an excuse to fuss over her 😏 And you know what? Harry strikes me as the kind of man who has waited a long time to have someone to fuss over, someone to worry about and take care of outside of himself. And now that he has that someone . . . well, Captain Wales reporting for motherfucking duty 🫡

BONUS MAINTENANCE FASCINATION:

Yes we're doing bonus content again -- I did say "five(-ish)" moments! The "ish" was forewarned!!!

Anyways, while we're on the topic of sentimentally rhapsodizing about Harry keeping an eye on Meg and her hair, I want to sneak in a reboot of a discussion I had with an anon a few months ago after the Netflix documentary came out. These quiet, behind-the-scenes moments where Meg is getting her dress fitted or painting her nails, and there is Harry happily watching from behind. It's a small thing, I know, but it speaks volumes to me. The intimacy that comes with watching your partner prepare herself to face the world, the peaceful trust and unspoken support. And if you think THAT is me reading too much into it, scroll back to that original discussion and watch me make myself cry over picturing Harry as a kid watching his mom go through her similar glam routine. Y'all don't even KNOW the kinds of crazy parasocial assumptions I can lose my mind over!!!!!

And while we're here barely on topic talking about the intimacy of behind-the-scenes, let's move now from the "before" preparation, to the "after" unwinding (and undressing??). One of the most bittersweet moments from the doc for me was this picture, taken after one of Harry and Meg's final royal duty events. Away from the cameras, and the press, and the people, alone in their kitchen at last. I can think of no better representation of "Leaving the world behind."

4. Meghan "My Husband" Markle

There has been much discussion over Harry being the ultimate "wife guy," and deservedly so. If I tried to put in this post every moment the man has practically glowed with the pleasure of saying "my WIFE," I'm afraid this website would crash from server overload. But a less-discussed, yet equally sweet through line is Meghan being the ultimate "husband girl." And I think no single moment is a better demonstration of this phenomenon than her opening speech last year at Invictus 2022.

Introducing her husband to the crowd of his Invictus family, Meghan said, "I could not love and respect him more, and I know that all of you feel the same. He is your fellow veteran, he's the founder of the Invictus Games, and the father to our two little ones, Archie and Lili. Please welcome my incredible husband, Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex." And then the crowd roared, and Harry and Meghan kissed, and we got all these ooey-gooey heart eyes.

And then as Harry took the stage, overwhelmed by the love of his wife and his community, he choked up.

"Thank you my love."

And I was never the same :')

BONUS "HUSBAND GIRL" SIMPING:

At the 2021 Salute to Freedom Gala, a reporter asking, "Meghan are you proud of your husband?" And Meghan bashfully turning back to answer, "I'm always proud of him." 🫠

And one even blushier, from the African tour documentary. Somebody come pick our girl up off the FLOOR!!!!

3. BAY. BEES.

Ok so I am REALLY gonna have to restrain myself for this section, cause if I put every single heart-bursting baby moment (especially after the FEAST we were delivered through the Netflix doc), I would never be able to finish this post. So I'm just gonna highlight a select few and keep my baby fever in check (and then mayhaps rewatch the entire documentary tonight lol whoops).

Our first real baby moment ever was Harry being so delirious with joy and nerves and just like, raw energy, after the birth of his first child (and then turning around after the big birthday media announcement to thank the horses in the stable behind him 😅).

A few days later, there was a particularly famous photo of Baby King Archie meeting some regal relatives or whatever, but in THIS photo, the two irrelevant old geezers are instead replaced by the new little prince's noble steeds, Guy and Pula. An iconic family photo. Outsold the original, if you ask me 😌

The news of their pregnancy with Lili was world-stopping for many reasons, but most famously it held a powerfully touching connection with the past. Apparently accidentally, Harry and Meghan announced they were expecting their second child exactly 37 years to the day after his mother, Diana, announced she was expecting him. Two extra-special Valentine's Days to remember.

And once again, as I said at the time, I am NOT someone who is particularly occupied with imagining the spirits of the departed watching over us, nor am I crazy about inserting the memory of Diana into discussions in which she has no agency. HOWEVER . . . who could stop the wave of emotions looking at this moment, as the grandbaby she never got to meet reaches out to her photo, through glass and time, trying to hold her hand. Bruv . . . 🥲 Even a motherfucking atheist can occasionally feel God in this Chili's tonight.

I don't even have anything to say about these next two, except to wonder with awe at the universal panacea that is baby snuggles. My absolute favorites:

And lastly, to wrap up this unbearably melty baby section, I have a moment that isn't really about the babies at all. In this video you can watch here, Easter 2021, we have Mama Doria, Meg (bursting at the seams with soon-to-be Lili), the little king himself, Sir Archie, his ever-loyal canine companions, and Harry -- who stands there, on the other side of surviving so, so much, and says almost under his breath, "Come on, family, let's go." And . . . yeah. That pretty much says it all 🥹

2. My Sussex Squad Origin Story

I'm going to keep this one short, cause I know what #1 is about to be and it's a doozy. But I wanted to briefly mention a moment in Harry and Meghan lore that will forever be the most special to me, because it is the one that sucked me into this here community I still haunt to this day.

October 2018. I have just recently managed to recover my old Tumblr password and logged into this site for the first time since middle school. I am scrolling the trending pages and see "Meghan Markle" listed among the top current tags. It says she's recently announced her first pregnancy. "Huh," I think. "I kinda remember hearing she got married." I've never willingly read or watched a single solitary piece of information about the royal family ever in my life. I don't even really know who's who, outside of the members immediately surrounding Diana. But I scroll through the Meghan tag, and I see she and her new prince are on tour. I see a photo. I read the headline attached.

Is that an actual tear spilling out from the corner of my eye? I stare at the tag for a few minutes more. What is wrong with me? Maybe I'll check this page again tomorrow, just to see what else they get up to on this tour. Couldn't hurt to learn a little bit more about this couple that literally stopped me in my tracks. I wipe the back of my hand across my burning eyes. "Well," I think as I try to bring myself back to what I was doing before. "That was weird."

Ha. Little did I freaking know :')

1. A Modern Fairy Tale

And now, to end this long-winded (and -awaited, sorry again >_<) journey, if you will allow me to get a little unbearably sappy.

When I set out to write this Part 2 post in 2023, I was doubtful. Could I even muster up that same enthusiasm, that same untrampled hope with which I beamed when I wrote the original? Harry, Meghan, the world, and I have all lived a thousand lives in these brief five years. There has been so, so, so much unspeakable pain. More than anyone has a right to suffer in a lifetime, let alone half a decade. "And for what?" I've sometimes asked myself. "What is the point in trying to love when there's all this pain that follows?"

This June, we will be coming up on the 10 year anniversary of my absolute favorite Internet meme of all time: Tim Kreider's legendary New York Times Op-Ed "I Know What You Think Of Me," which gifted human history with his startlingly sincere declaration, "If we want the rewards of being loved, we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known."

Well, there is perhaps no one on the planet who has submitted herself to a more painful ordeal of being known than Meghan. She has bared to the world her vulnerabilities, her quirks, her flaws, her losses, her pains. To think of the life she has lived thus far, and the life that she walked away from to be here . . . I can't pretend that I've always been certain of the righteousness of her choice. But as I was working through writing this post, I reached a point in my research where I landed back on the speech Meghan delivered on the night of her wedding, shared in their Netflix documentary. And she told, as she called it, "a modern fairy tale."

“Once upon a time, there was a girl from LA (some people called her an actress) and there was a guy from London (some people called him a prince). All those people didn’t fully get it. Because this is a love story of a boy and a girl who were meant to be together.

“Amidst whatever momentary worries that creep in, they look at each other and think, ‘Whatever world, we’re in.’

“They would love, and garden, and travel, and laugh, and rack up more air miles than any couple could have.

“And when the tides were rough, they squeezed each other tighter. ‘Nothing can break us,’ they’d say, ‘For this love, she was a fighter.’

“I appreciate, respect, and honor you, my treasure, for the family we will create . . .

“ . . . And our love story that will last forever.

“So I ask you to raise a glass to the astounding assurance that now life begins, and the everlasting knowing that, above all, love wins.”

And so, here I am once again, with real actual tears streaming down my face, listening to a woman who has crossed so many oceans and lost so much of herself to get to where she's sitting today, and yet still, STILL, speaks with the same determination and conviction in love that she had all the way back at the beginning. They have taken so much from that woman, but they have not taken this. And so if Meghan, of all people, can still believe that love is worth it all . . . well, then, how could I possibly disagree?

Happy 5th anniversary to the lovebirds, and my heartfelt wish to you all that you may find victory in joy, love, and peace, just like them.

L'chaim 🥂

[alybunisme]

Okay look I hate dream as much as the next person fr. But this is what I'm seeing from looking at everything.

Dream goes to someone's bday party, meets a guy he's never met before, has no reason to know his age, this guy chooses to take too many substances as is his prerogative as a grown adult, gets a lil too wasted and hot and assaults dream, dream shares an uber with the guy and a couple of others, this guy asks to be recorded while he goes on (an admittedly funny but toxic) rant, someone that isn't dream records him again because he asked which is obvious from the video because the guy promos himself. after the fact, this guy slides into dreams DMs to rightly apologize for his behavior, everything is fine, a month later people are getting clout for tweeting jokes about dreams allegations which is fucked btw that shit isn't a joke, and this guy gets in on it despite riding dreams dicks in DMs, so dream calls him out for that, people ask for proof, dream acquires video form the filmer and posts proof....

This does not fit the definition of blackmail. Nor is it indicative of "letting" an adult drink too much or anything that nefarious but two men in their early 20s being stupid and impulsive like oh yeah people in their early 20s tend to do

I've been searching far and wide for proof he's a pedo or groomer and have found nothing but a couple of cringe messages with ppl that are 2 years younger than him max. This isnt grooming. I wanna hate this guy as much as anyone else but you don't actually need to just go around saying he's doing shit with no proof. I hate him just fine for being cringe and annoying.

sorry for the novel, I've been sending this to ppl because I survived actual child exploitation and people using pedophile and grooming as a gotcha as if these words don't have actual meanings and consequences is insane and turning me into a crazy person a little. I don't want to defend dream of all fucking people so I won't. except to ask y'all to just sit and wait for actual evidence before slinging around words, it's extremely irresponsible and hurts the ultimate cause of justice for victims. ty

I couldn't say it better than twt user slensquared "even if dream wasnt a groomer, his extensive and continued history of racism, ableism, sexism, antisemitism, etc. disqualifies him from being an unproblematic content creator and there is no way to ethically support him"

And to add on to that, he has not only sent fans to doxed people, he's also grooming minors in a monetary gain by engaging with them in a inappropriate and parasocial way.

Yeah being called a pedophile isn't great, there's no way dream can beat the allegations though. Him and his fanbase are cringe and toxic and that's all everyone is gonna see them. It doesn't help the way Dream is going about this issue isn't great either (yeah he's young but he's still an adult with a large following he can't just be babied for every mistake he makes)

[olivinesgayshit]

Queer Art Showcase!

This is run by the amazing, immaculate @queercutlureis !

I'm pleased to meet y'all! My name is Olivine, and I am but your average Texan queer trans woman! I have so many interests, but today, I will be putting forth some of my poetry. Some of my other hobbies include gardening, baking, and playing the cello, although none will be included. Some of my favorite and prominent themes and motifs are birds (due to a personal and familial connection), forests and plants, and the deep impact of my community on me, from the queer support I've had to the folklore I was raised with. Each poem will have a short explanation of the background and meaning of the poem.

One More Lifetime

I have been born into this world Imprisoned in a gilded cage Privilege and strength come to me But they bury deep below the earth

I play the role, a hired actor I hide myself from the other Keeping myself closed away There is always a role

I cannot be the same as the other birds Paint my colorful plumage dull I hide the truth beneath a shell of gold In an untrustworthy world

So I live my life as if a sculpture A handsome carving, marble and granite When shall I be freed from stone? One more lifetime, born anew One more lifetime One More Lifetime was inspired by the Angel Island poetry. For non-Americans, Angel Island is the location where (primarily Asian, especially Chinese) immigrants where held and quarantined before being allowed to go to mainland California and start a new life. In the 30 years it was open (from 1910 to 1940), it processed an estimated five hundred thousand souls from over 80 countries. It is a locale that is drenched in the blood and tears of hundreds of thousands. But through the darkest nights, hope still burned. Carved into the walls of many of the living quarters lie innumerable poems in innumerable tongues. Over 200 poems have been documented, but thousands were buried beneath paint and renovation, believed to be graffiti by the government overseers. This poem specifically speaks about my experiences as the queer, trans child of Baptist missionaries, the feeling of being trapped by the pressure and walking through life as another person.

The Old Man

I walk through the windy square And hear a note on the wind As an old man sings, Faint upon the morning. And I wonder what Could have led this man to here

Was he brought to this land Fleeing from a wartorn home? Maybe he followed his family Across impossibly vast distance? Or perhaps he came seeking Hoping for a better life abroad

Why does he sit, singing in the square? Does he sing to share with others? Is he performing for a loved one Or does he sing for remembrance? Maybe he sings simply for music, For no reason but the joy of art

The answers to these questions May never be known Because while he sings beautifully The only only thing I can hear Are chirps and tweets

The Old Man harkens back to two separate memories from my youth. The first comes from deep within the Black Forest, upon a cool autumnal evening. A lone bird lead a symphony of nature, harmonizing with the creaks of the oak and the howl of the wind. In the second, I was sat still upon a cold bench in the freezing morning of Freiburg, when a strange noise alighted upon me. Somewhere, deep within the crushing mass, a man had begun to play a beautiful song. I did not know the instrument he played, nor his words that flowed like honey, but deep in my heart, I understood. This poem speaks to that deeper knowledge. We may not know the notes on the breeze, nor the words of their tongue, but we know the song of their heart

Echo

I hear the echo through years unknown As lament and sorrow bind my soul For the loss of Enkidu I weep

Within my heart her notes resound The final hope of fallen queen May Death rock us both to sleep

The loss of his lover is loud in my ears As he sings the funeral dirge of rage All shall remember Patroclus 

My feet ache as his always have The ancient traveler from an antique land He looked upon the mighty, and rejoiced

Inside my chest, my love despairs Like Lévon and kin They have taken the one I love

My body I still at her cries As she mourns the loss of child She calls out to me, La Llorona 

My hands once again harvest The parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme To bring to the Scarborough Fair

With his lyre, he sings to me For his lover to return again How the song of Orpheus resounds

With all my might and strength I toss Excalibur, his brand To the lake of Arthur���s death

On my soul, their words are written Within my hands, their song remembered Within my mind their essence lies

How does one become remembered Revered for artistry and beauty I may only hope for their guidance

Echo came about from the many, many legends, poems, and songs that have shaped me. These tales have outlived man and beast alike. I as an author can only hope to taste a fraction of their might, a taste of their memory. This is the song of my love returned. They refer to, in order: The Epic of Gilgamesh, Death of Enkidu O Death Rock Me To Sleep, said to be the final composition of Anne Boleyn The Illiad, death of Patroclus and Achilles' rage Ozyimandius (Percy Shelley) They Have Stolen the One I Love, Lévon Minassian La Llorona Scarborough Fair Orpheus's journey to the Underworld The Death of King Arthur

Song

I sit down in an empty room And my heart beats echo in the stillness While my joints crack, and the chair creaks My heart lies still in wait of her arrival

The pale dust rests upon her Like dew on morning grass Her pages unearth an ancient truth Her dagger pieces the ground

Cutting through the silence I tighten ghostly ribbon And prepare for new birth My tendon stretch, my muscles strain

As equine meets feline A delicate dance begins A maelstrom erupts Born of our harmony 

A massive storm An unstoppable might Her song rings deep within my bones A low hum echoes within my chest

My lifeblood is moved by her breath But all things must end And this magic is no different The bombastic finale approaches

A final shout echoes through the land I lift my bow from her silver string Our old friend silence falls once more And I return to my mundane life

Song started as a slight sliver of an idea during Vivaldi's Sonata in E minor. I have been playing cello for just over 5 years, and its been a struggle. It's had both ups and downs. But I have fallen in love with its deep voice, with its honeyed song. I am proud to say that I have improved, although I am but a journey-woman of the art. This poem is about the deep personal power of music, and the sway it holds over us even when we are all alone

TW for the final poem. It includes themes of self harm and suicide

Frames

What is a life within the frames And what is hidden in our names For I was once was a boy named man Now from my past I have ran And I’m lying here in bed Shortened hair atop my head Hiding from dysphoria  Searching for euphoria Which I know I will not find But still i search throughout my mind In the hopes that I can stop Before I walk up to the drop While looking down with running thought Thinking of my life that is so fraught Pushing myself to stop the jump  . . . Thump

Oh well that didn’t work I guess nature had a minor quirk For now I’ll go on with my life Ignoring that small little knife Stop thinking of a slice Even though it would be nice  To end the pain and cut it off I must swear upon my trough  That I will not attempt to cut . . . But

No! My future shines so bright And I must make it through this night If I hope to make them proud Live the life they weren’t allowed I must survive for those who don’t I can’t give in, no I won’t! The sickly sweet temptation smell It gives me pain, it gives me hell But I’ll go on! My fate is not of yet forgone For Marsha P and Howard A For those who burned and lit the way For all those after and before Firmly I’ll stand, evermore And I will survive to the future yet unseen . . . I, Olivine

Frames was not written in my healthiest state of mind. To be honest, I don't fully remember writing it, as it is from a dissociative state. But nevertheless, it is a narration of my inner thoughts as I first attempted, and the subsequent recovery. Its been a battle ever since, but I am proud to say I am over 18 months clean of suicidal ideation!

[msgrumpygills]

I'm sorry, didn't Jensen say Chaos Machine was working on something SPN related with SPN alum in their virtual pannel? It's not like JP was completely blindsided. He said he was doing it months ago, just didn't give details. Also, isn't JP working on Walker? Didn't he say he wanted to work close to home? Didn't he say that overworking himself lead to his breakdown? Doesn't he already have like 4 other side projects going on? Like, why would Jensen involve him if JP was already busy enough? Doesn't he have a family to worry about? J and D are working together on this so it makes sense that wherever the might have to go for it, the kids will be with them, but Gen would most likely not be involved, so why bother? Is he itching to get away from his family that bad?

And you are absolutely right. It's a little (a lot) hypocritical for JP to hijack the spnfamily and turn it in to the walkerfamily, use spn easter eggs and actors to promote his show and get views, claim that his show will last longer than the show that gave him a majority of his fame, then get butthurt when Jensen ( who was equally involved in said show) makes his own spn project. Do the people who are pissed honestly think JP consulted Jensen about all the SPN junk he used? Also,it's a prequel about John and Mary. Dean and Sam weren't even born yet. "Sam Winchester won't be involved whatsoever" yeah no sh*t sherlock. He didn't exist yet. Jensen said he wasn't going to talk about it (again in the virtual panel) until he got the ball rolling. The other cast members made jokes about being on the show because they knew their characters weren't even involved in the story at that point. No one was except, John and Mary.

Like, the two of them worked together for 16 years, they are allowed to do their own thing without involving the other.

And as for the people saying " Well I guess Soldier Boy isn't going to be such a big role after all if Jensen already has another project lined up"... uh yeah..no shit. For a group of people who were complaining about h*llers joining The Boys fandom for Jensen, y'all sure act like you don't know how that show works either. I've read the comics so I knew SB wasn't gonna last long ( it could change idk) but like, no one is safe on that show except for The Boys themselves and select members of the Seven. Literally everyone dies. Have they even watched the show? The killed a main supe a few episodes in. Did they join the fandom for Jensen? Were they projecting? The character they made a big deal about last season got torn to shreds in the season finale. Like, c'mon pay attention. The supes are the bad guys.

And how does JP know Jensen wasn't going to involve him later? He doesn't. Instead he created public dramathis fandom is absolutely ridiculous sometimes, I swear.

You win the award for best ask today because you have brought ALL the points!

I doubt Jared asked Jensen's permission or anything like that before using SPN for his show, using the "family" thing for his new projects, or using his face for views and interest for his own personal gain. I can see him being upset if it was about Sam and Dean because of course he'd need to be involved, but a prequel before the boys' time? Why would Sam or Dean be involved?

We don't know if Jensen tried to tell Jared behind the scenes, but knowing what we know about Jensen, I don't think he did this as a dick move. He probably figured he wouldn't need to warn Jared considering SAM AND DEAN AREN'T EVEN INVOLVED. Also, HE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT IT WITH JARED. So him acting like this is some big surprise is shitty and manipulative. Can't let the CW golden child be outshined, now can we?

Maybe he's just worried that this show (if it even gets picked up, I think it's just in the works right now, no?) will do better than Walker and will further prove that Jared can't seem to hold his own. You can't sit there and distance yourself from the show to try and make yourself a big star (except when it comes to using it for your own personal gain) and then get pissed off when someone else takes the opportunity you didn't want.

Jared could have done something with SPN, a prequel, a sequel, whatever. He chose to take the job that was handed to him on a silver platter instead and wanted to try and be the next big thing. Jensen decided to do something with the show and that's his right.

The stans trying to downplay Jensen's role on The Boys seems like they're just looking for things to use against him. I don't think Jensen was acting like this was going to be his next big break and that he was going to be on a 15 season arc (cough cough), so the only people who thought that were the stans. Jensen has talked about being behind the camera for years, no? So it's no surprise that he's going to try and do something behind the scenes, and why not have it be SPN related for that debut?

Also, it was easy for Jared to just piss off to his new life as long as the fans keep lining his pocket. Jensen seems to want to do something for the fans that have been there since the beginning. Just comparing their behaviors since SPN ended, Jensen seems to want to do something for the fans rather than seeing them as dollar signs.

Again, Jared knew exactly what he was doing with those tweets. He doesn't have a very good track record with handling things privately, and I'm just glad he didn't doxx the Ackles' for being mean to him like he does with customer service workers.

I don't want to make assumptions about Jensen talking to Jared or not until we hear from him because it seems out of character for him. If he really didn't reach out, then yeah that's kinda crappy, but Jared is also getting karma for his shit behavior lately so it's a catch 22.

All in all, this might be the thing that officially makes me anti Jared.

[arcadia-city-stories-if]

Ros as songs from folklore by taylor?

Ok so I did NOT think this was gonna work lol. I'd heard a couple of songs before but I've never been into Taylor Swift so I was skeptical that I'd be able to answer this one, but I do love it when y'all set me homework so I went off for a listen and... actually they kinda work lol.

I can't say for what or why, not all of them would relate directly to the romance route with MC. but they all have at least one song that I was all 'ohh shit that's actually kinda cool' about.

So!

Murphy - Exile

All this time I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) So many signs, so many signs You didn't even see the signs

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leavin' out the side door

Shae - Peace

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

Callie - Mirrorball

I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight I'll get you out on the floor Shimmering beautiful And when I break it's in a million pieces

Hush When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you

I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural All I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me

Toni - Cardigan

But I knew you Dancin' in your Levi's Drunk under a streetlight, I I knew you Hand under my sweatshirt Baby, kiss it better, I

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasin' shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standin' in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me.

Claude/Claudia - Lakes

Is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me? I'm not cut out for all these cynical clones These hunters with cell phones

I want auroras and sad prose I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet 'Cause I haven't moved in years And I want you right here A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground With no one around to tweet it While I bathe in cliffside pools With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm setting off, but not without my muse No, not without you

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS | CHAPTER 19

First time reader click here

Summary+TWs: We're talking serious feelings here, okay? Reader, you're literally emotionally illiterate. You also have PTSD, which is finally addressed - kinda. Bruce does his best. And he also knows how to kiss... But y'all know that if you read my ramblings about lucid dreaming/shifting/whatever... Chile-, anyways...

My phone kept buzzing and I ignored it until Bruce declared it was time to take a break and review the results. Whilst the man was typing up the data on a nearby StarkPad, I fought the sudden influx of messages that I received from haters and supporters alike after Tony decided on tweeting a reply that could be interpreted in an alarming variety of ways. It was a smart move, I'll admit, but a fucking bother for me nonetheless.

Disabling my DMs and dealing with a follower increase in the thousands wasn't hard; I didn't consider myself a problematic asshole and didn't need to be afraid of "exposure". The parties I went to - I doubted there was any blackmail material in there and the few nudes I'd sent over the years were always face-less. As a gen Z, I knew my internet safety.

The trolls didn't bother me either. It was more sad than annoying, people shitting on others for clout. Iron Man stans were witty, at least, if jealous. I must admit I've never considered the influx of popularity I would experience should I publicly out myself as a friend of Tony's. Girlfriend? Intern? Science child? Whatever cover story he was going to feed the press worked for me, as long as I still got the hugs, the kisses, the dick and the attention.

"Tony..." Bruce groaned, evidently done with the data processing, had to have opened his social media to see his own skyrocketing popularity.

"Yeah, our Tony is being a Tony again," I chuckled, having reset my social media settings so my phone wouldn't constantly beep, vibrate and bother me. School was going to be fun.

Bruce shook his head, fond, coming over to my side of the lab after removing his own hazmat suit. His eyes shiny with newfound knowledge and hair turned adorably fluffy in the confines of the head covering. He was smiling softly. "Food?"

"Sure."

We chewed our sandwiches in silence for a moment, each of us lost in our thoughts.

"I still can't believe Tony told everyone on Twitter you're his girlfriend, usually he keeps this stuff private or schedules a fancy press conference," Bruce's tone was thoughtful.

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that what it was? Seemed ambiguous to me..." I trailed off, confused.

"He worded it like that on purpose, I mean, you're still in high school," The scientist was confident in his words. "But I know Tony. I'm a hundred percent sure that he meant exactly that. Aren't you?"

Shock flooded me. Suddenly, I understood I completely misread the situation. "Um, no? I thought we were, y'know, just fucking. We never defined our relationship and we're definitely not exclusive." I said, chewing on my lip. "You make a valid argument, I'm a high school student and he's a grown ass man that does grown man stuff. Putting aside the fact that he could have anybody in the world so why would he choose me?" I was rambling, thinking out loud. Discussing my feelings has never my strong forte. "It would be stupid to impose monogamy on such a complex man like Tony. Downright idiotic to expect a genius to confine to social norms just because it suits others." I finished with a wave of my hand. Another bubble of thought that had festered within me for the longest time. I felt relieved, finally voicing it out loud. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, a weight I wasn't previously consciously aware of.

Bruce was watching me intently, with an unreadable expression that held the tiniest bit of awe, admiration perhaps. The silence that followed was unnerving. I fidgeted with my hands, not really knowing where to put them or where to look.

"You know," He took off his glasses, fiddling them in his hands. "I'm not going to sugar coat it. For the longest time, I thought you were going to inadvertently hurt him when you get bored with whatever you've got going on. I respect you, don't misunderstand me, but you are young. Now, I've changed my mind. You've changed my mind," He punctuated his statement with his hand on mine, grasping it. "I think you managed to understand him in a way most people can't. Or don't want to. Understand and accept him in a way that some of us can't even after years of working and living side by side with him." Bruce's gentle fingers skimmed along the top of my palm.

"I don't always understand Tony but I do accept him," I agreed. "Because Tony is a great man."

"I think you're in love with him," Bruce said, absolutely having ignored my previous statement. Just like that, point blank, he pushed to the surface the very feelings I got so good at ignoring. There was no rest for me in this place.

My heart fluttered, picking up the pace. I kept my mouth shut, not trusting it whatsoever. My thoughts became akin to panicked hares, jumping and zigzagging aimlessly in my skull. I didn't see the point in defending myself because the scientist had pointed out the obvious.

Bruce looked at me, softly, warmly. "And don't think we haven't noticed the rise in team morale. The improvement not only in communication, but on the battlefield, too. It's easier to entrust your back to someone with whom you've shared a laugh and a drink the previous night. You're the glue that keeps us together."

Something warm and wet was on my cheeks. I stared at our clasped hands, his words echoing in my head over and over and over. The moment I realized I was crying, I willed myself to stop and failed spectacularly - only more salty fluid streamed down, some of it getting in my nose, on my lips. The sleepless nights were making me unstable.

It took a single sniffle for Bruce to pick me up and wrap up in his kind embrace. I didn't resist, tucking my face into the crook of his neck, holding onto the back of his lab coat, inhaling the smell of his skin and chemicals. It was familiar, calming. Minutes ticked by with me slowly leaking the tension out of my body.

"He loves you, too, maybe he just doesn't realize it yet." Bruce whispered into my hair. "I've never seen Tony so happy, even with Pepper. You are special and you are loved."

There was something unsaid, I felt it. It hung in the ear, it burned the tips of my ears, stood sharp on the tip of my tongue. "I love you too, Bwucie-bear," I whispered into the space between his ear and his jaw. His arms tightened around me.

The man placed several chaste kisses in my hair, running a palm over my back. In moments like these, the crush for him, the very crush that got out of control, blossomed fully into a deep sense of respect and admiration. He made me feel safe. He said all the right words at the right time.

Drowsiness overtook me. As usual, any worries and anxieties I had evaporated, once Banner had his arms around me, shielding me from the world. I didn't forbid myself this time: delicately, my hand slipped through the man's soft messy curls, eliciting a contented sigh.

"You haven't been sleeping well," He more stated than asked.

I had no choice but to nod. "Clint keeps dying in my dreams. Or even worse, he doesn't, he just suffers, endlessly, painfully." I admitted.

Bruce flinched under me, tensing. My face was in between his hands in a second, the scientist sternly looking into my eyes. "Why didn't you say anything? All of us assumed you were okay after what happened." He looked - angry. Not Hulk-out pissed but Bruce-pissed, which equalled a kicked-puppy look seasoned with a great pinch of disappointment.

"I am okay." I lied, shamelessly. "It's getting better. That's why I want to have a party - relax a little, dance, socialize. I don't think Tony would let me go on my own so I figured I can convince him to throw one here." I looked away. It was better for everyone if I dealt with my own problems - they were superheroes, not babysitters.

Bruce frowned. "Why wouldn't Tony let you go?"

"Because of that one time I snorted coke," I rolled my eyes at Bruce's naiveté, leaving the less obvious parts unsaid. Tony knew exactly what I was going to do once I got free reign, he considered it destructive and told me so himself. Admittedly, he had a point but still... I wished I'd been given a choice.

"I'll talk to him," Bruce nodded firmly. "That's not acceptable. He can't forbid you from making mistakes and learning from them."

He was met with my shrug. No excitement came from me regarding this particular turn of conversation. I was drained, limbs like jello, thoughts sluggish. My face was drooping.

"Let's get you to bed," Banner stood up with me wrapped around him. "You need a nap."

"No," I protested. If I went to sleep now, only Satan knew at what ungodly hour I would wake up.

"Yes, Princess," Bruce smirked. I wiggled uncomfortably - when he went all caretaker like, my ovaries wreaked havoc on my body and brain. My thoughts weren't appropriate if Bruce wanted me to see him as a father figure. The signals he was sending were mixed. People around me did that a lot and I wasn't sure how to act so I usually just went with the flow. I decided to do the very same thing in that particular moment.

Curiosity sparked within me, tightly interwoven with the deep longing that settled below my collarbones whenever Tony or one of the others wasn't sitting next to me or talking my ear off. I've almost forgotten how it was to be alone with my thoughts. The maze of my very own self was becoming unfamiliar territory. Alarming.

I allowed Bruce to help me shed my shoes and outer layer of clothing, shivering in the coolness of my room. Despite being a frequent visitor, I still had a 'guest' room in the tower - I mostly stayed at Tony's or Wanda's anyways. During our sleepovers neither me nor the witch minded sharing her enormous bed, to be fair, we could have fit at least two more people in it besides us. Tony took care of his own - all the tower's residents had their apartments furnished with the best stuff.

"Sleep now, Princess," Bruce chastised, tucking a blanket around me, having noticed an earbud in my ear and my smartphone in my hand. I had hoped to kill some time online, damn well knowing sleep wouldn't come easy.

"I don't think I can fall asleep, Bruce," I admitted, looking away. There was just so much going on. My brain wouldn't shut up and if I couldn't drown out the cacophony by being productive, I'd troll the internet, as usual.

Banner sighed, coming to sit next to me, leaning against the headboard. Gently running his fingers through my hair, brushing the outside of his palm against my cheek. "How do you usually deal with this?"

Involuntarily, my eyelashes fluttered. "Tony does most of the work," I admitted coyly. The engineer had a whole arsenal of tricks up his sleeve - sexy and exhausting tricks.

"I see," Bruce muttered, thoughtfully.

I opened my eyes to see him looking down at me with a look I haven't seen before. The usual mildly absent, slightly anxious face he wore was replaced by something I could only describe as hurt envy, like a kid looking at their schoolmate who had all the newest, coolest toys. I used to be on the receiving end of that look far too often and I hated it.

I hid my face against his leg, rubbing my cheek on the raspy corduroy fabric of his pants. "Got any good ideas of your own?" I wondered lowly, thinking about what in the world possessed Bruce to wear corduroy trousers on a semi-casual day, in the twenty-first century.

"Only bad ideas," He replied in a matching low tone. His soft fingertips relocated to my nape, goosebumps rising down my back.

"Humour me," I grinned against his leg.

Bruce was quiet for a moment, the sound of his thinking screaming louder than any words could have done. Knowing the scientist so closely, I found out he was full of surprises - bolder than he appeared outwardly and competitive to a boot. He thought he had a lot to prove to himself and by extension, to others. The unknown, the mystery dangling in front of my nose was exhilarating, trepidation addictive. It took me away from the chaos in my mind.

A gentle grasp on my chin had me turning to look upwards, Bruce's face flushed and focused on my own, open and trusting. He needed to see the obvious, that I trusted him to take care of me. He pulled and I followed, sitting up on my elbows, coming up to his shoulder level, our faces inches apart, enveloped in the unique, intense scent of his herbal tea. It was a tart, strong smell and it suited his quiet but passionate character.

Once, twice, I caught my eyes sliding to his plump lips. They looked far too appealing in this position. I usually strategically stayed away from positions so compromising, fearing the very thing that I'd already let happen, however this time the atmosphere was different. We stood on ambiguous grounds, waiting for Bruce to make a decision.

The man wasn't stupid, he saw the way I looked at him. The nightmares and inability to take a break from life put a significant dent in my resolve to keep a distance between us, romantically - I could have settled even for a pity kiss, a pity fuck. Anything to put my brain on pause.

His lips were softer than I had imagined. Skilled, too, he easily steered the kiss into the shallow waters of our combined longing.

With Tony, it was like an avalanche. Tony ran hot like Peterbilt engines, hard and fast, almost angry in his race for satisfaction. Tony was a man that was used to getting whatever he wanted and it became plainly obvious when we fucked.

Bruce was the opposite. He savoured the kiss, losing himself in a way that could almost be described as delicate. Bruce was humming, softly, as we tasted each other, holding the left side of my face with careful fingertips. Almost as if he was afraid to break me. The feel of his skin on mine was soothing in a way that made me sigh and relax even further.

"Wanna make you feel good." His voice had dropped, gone husky, but his breathing held even. He must know all about self-control.

"Yeah," I was ready to agree with whatever the fuck he was offering. My eyelids remained shut.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie

PS. Letsby, please don't combust. The underwear is coming off in the next chapter. 😶