#i'm sorry i know you're writing like a dozen other things but your hei xiazi voice had me crying and snorting with laughter at the same time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

xcziel · 3 years ago

Text

my personal top lines:

people of various sexes looking to become grieving ex-spouses (Hei Xiazi doesn’t do relationship counseling, even of the blunt force variety

He’s cold, Hei Xiazi’s cool, it’s a match made in the freezer section.

The man looks at the appetizers, meets Hei Xiazi’s gaze for approximately .5 seconds, and completely wastes his opportunity to give the rest of Hei Xiazi a good once-over.

Hei Xiazi’s brain immediately provides half a dozen hopeful opening lines based around the theme of spreading and sheets, which he hastily sweeps up and shoves under the rug of regrettable common-sense.

he’s paying close attention for any sign that his interest is actively unwelcome, because Hei Xiazi may be a garbage person but he’s not trash.

He's tall, built, wears a lot of leather - he's spent his life operating on assumptions that he's never needed to question. Well, apparently he should have been questioning, because apparently what he's really been wanting all these years is for someone half his size to climb him like a tree and start sawing

Show him that thing you can do with the ropes – it’s really impressive!”

after all, walks of shame are only for people who have any

Xiao Hua is turning with one arm on the back of the chair to look at him. "Are you crying?" Hei Xiazi dabs at his eyes with one hand. "Nothing to worry about. I'm just having a moment here. God, I'm amazing."

Finally, finally, someone who really understands foreplay.

- this is by no means a complete list! for that i would have to copy/paste the entire fic @foxofninetales you have really outdone yourself this time 😂😂😂

Ad Hoc Services by Fox of Nine Tales

Fandom: DMBJ | The Grave Robber’s Chronicles, Ultimate Note

Pairing: Hei Xiazi / Zie Yuchen

Rating: Teen

Tags: Alternate Universe, Business, CEO, muscle-for-hire, nothing explicit but so much innuendo, taking the porn out of PWP, humor

Summary:

If assumptions make an ass out of you and me, well, why let a perfectly good ass go to waste?

In which Hei Xiazi is mistaken for a prostitute and his evening just gets better from there.

Read it on AO3

#OMG FOX you were not kidding when you said this was the 'innuendo fanfic'!!!!!!#i was cackling gleefully at least five sparate times!!! you're stacking turns of phrase like you're making verbal croissants #light. layered. fluffy. melt-in-your-mouth buttery goodness! that is this fic!!! i am DYING!!!#how is your hei xiazi ten times mote suave than any dmbj version and yet exactly himself to the nth degree????#every bit of it is perfection! the boredom the horrible couch xiao hua the ice prince in pink!! wu xie!!!!#i almost swallowed my gum at that part!! how??? the skill it takes to word the miscommunications so exquisitely #in that they are entirely believable and also so VERY misleading!! i am AWED!! 'the thing with the rope' 🤣🤣🤣#my brain is getting such confused signals bc it's reading shirtless schmoozing hei xiazi as baron chen #but yet xiao hua is staying firmly liu yuhanbc of the pink and the sharp modern lines of him!#it's causing processing issues but i am not complaining! i'm just so glad to see it recognized that xie yuchen is not #any kind of pushover or easy mark - you can tell half the reason he doesn't dispute hei xiazi's purported rate is because #it isn't enough money to bother him either way (the other half is equally obviously that he hasn't had to *pay*#for such services before so really who knows the going rate for a 'specialist'?)#i so wanna see xiaoge's lemon face when hei xiazi contrives to mention wu xie's 'endorsement' the next time they're all #three in the same place - i just get this sense of xiaoge and hxz as large solitary predators who just wouldn't share 'territory' easily #pretty sure xiaoge would have no problems sharing with someone he also considered 'his' but xiazi is too close to an almost equal #also i bet you xie yuchen is territorial as hell even if he pretends impassivity - you know one fun thing about leaving out #the sexy particulars (I'M certainly not dissappointed - the wordplay and innuendos were plenty of fun for me!)#is that technically this fic can still fit in the trans!xiao hua verse which i think is super cool #*hugs fic and rolls around in delight* s e r i o u s l y this has MADE my fourth of july!! fireworks: phooey #this heihua have all the fireworks i need fox you're tempting me to kidnap you and chain you down in the fluff mines!!!!#if it weren't for how deeply invested in intersection i am you might really find yourself in trouble with no one rich enough #to hire hei xiazi to come after you (which is an unsubtle plea for a sequel where where xiazi hears that xie yuchen is in trouble #and takes it upon himself to rescue his erstwhile best client only to discover that while to his pleased surprise there was no need #xiao hua has strong feelings about 'rewarding initiative' even if all hei xiazi did was drive the getaway car (well #and hit a *few* people but that's just a regular day so it doesn't count for much) I JUST WANT MORE OF THESE TWO #i'm sorry i know you're writing like a dozen other things but your hei xiazi voice had me crying and snorting with laughter at the same time #it is a fantastic creation - if kan jian's voice is basically a golden retriever in human form then hei xiazi is purely that #raccoon staring you right in the eyes as it's little grabby hands snatch anything within reach and then confidently swaggering away #(also also the bookplate-style author logo is incredible and a stroke of even more than your usual genius ❤🤯❤)

38 notes · View notes