#i'm reminded of my old self. i've been reflecting on that. oh god i haven't been organized lately. that's messed up a lot

[noxtivagus]

last one in tags rq before i sleep bcs it'll be 10 am soon >.>

oh my god it's 9 am

[jonathandotjon]

I feel this post is something that has been a long time coming for me. I've been trying to reach this point for a long time, and I realize either I still haven't been successful in achieving it, or, it finally is so close that I realize maybe I can make it.

Moments ago, I made a tweet thread regarding my issue as fellow Christians tend to be who I interact with most on Twitter, or... was Twitter.. What I said was:

This evening, my Tues. night small group, a casual bringing of 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 in the aspect of spiritual Warfare may have been eye opening for me. My fickle mental health may be due to my inability, not in recieving forgiveness from others, but myself could be my own spiritual war. What may be a funny conclusion is tragically poetic for me. I wonder if the voices that constantly tell me that I'm not worth the air I breathe and the voices that tell me that the world would be better off if I just offed myself are demonic. By no means am I possessed, but oppressed, perhaps. The biggest challenge it seems I have faced is failing to forgive myself for things I did in my upbringing, for mistreating friends, for unbeknownst behavior towards them. Often failure in being able to control myself and my personality, or failure in controlling my emotions. Failure in dealing with habitual sin (another aspect of spiritual oppression) and especially failure in being more attuned to God and His commands. If there was a way to simply forgive myself for these shortcomings as a one time deal and be able to successfully just move on, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. Yet, it seems that there may be a bit to unpack and it may be as simple as truly forgiving what I had to deal with in IFB upbringing. The short term solution in that aspect logically seems to simply block those who would trigger feelings of resentment within me. I'm always welcoming to those who wish to reconcile from my old church, so long as they are seeking to be forgiven. I've forgiven the people, I just need to forgive the past, and in doimg so, may need to far distance myself from any reminders . In forgiving the past, maybe then I can truly be able to forgive myself. I don't know how coherent I have been here tonight, or if what I have said has made any sense. I just want to know what God's forgiveness feels like in a way where his forgiveness towards me can be reflected into my own sense of self-worth... if that makes sense.

In trying to further break down this and the plethora of emotions I am just, oh so privileged to deal with, there are a few things I want to lay out first.

I am not seeking pity

I am not seeking sympathy or empathy

I am not seeking to vampirize anyone's positivity

I am especially not seeking, or at least trying not to seek anyone's attention away from what's important in their own lives

Because I use Tumblr as a personal blog to chronicle my own deepest thoughts and to make attempts to self-reflect, I see it as a safe place to freely write and anyone I would share it with is someone who I've put a lot of trust in. I do not endorse Tumblr per se, I just see it as a great tool for this.

------

I've made it no secret to those who know me that I deal with mental health issues ranging from ADHD and OCD to less complex issues like depression and anxiety. What I am not always open about is that I have had some brief speculations at times of possibly being on the spectrum but I don't have sufficient evidence or reason to believe at this time that I am. I also think there are possibilities of religious induced PTSD, but I do not claim that this is actual fact.

In writing what I did on Twitter, what has really begun to reach out to me are the different aspects of what I deal with mentally and the simple conclusion is that I've failed in being able to forgive myself for the past or current repeated failures of my life. It's easy to forgive others because you aren't them but it's difficult to forgive yourself because you know who you are.

I strongly believe that the constant feeling of loneliness I deal with honestly comes from the demonic influence I've probably allowed unknowingly into my life. There is an aspect of my personality I truly despise which is what I believe to be an obnoxious level of extroversion. And honestly, I'm believing the only way in being able to grow is through self-forgiveness. The goal is not to make myself an introvert, but in at least walking the gray line where either or is comfortable; the silence of others does not have to be scary.

A moment of vulnerability I need to come to terms with, when you repeatedly have to fight, as most Western men, the battle with pornography addiction, the sense of self can become highly degraded. Habitual sin, though mine is repentent, is exactly what the enemy wants and if one is caught believing he cannot forgive himself, the offense logically will only be repeated. Those dealing through this tend to question themselves.

Not everything negative I deal with is entirely the product of self-unforgiveness, but it's probably the biggest battle I'm going to have to fight. Maybe the head of my issues?

I did mention that I do fight with mental health disorders and those are legitimate. The endocrine system as well as the brain are still subject to problems as every other organ of the body is and invalidating mental health as just spiritual attack is a tactic only scumbag or misinformed Christians adhere to. Yet, my argument is more so on the basis of if some issues are because of surrendered ground to the darkness. There can be so many different avenues to approach from, and every case if different, and should be treated individually. For me, I just believe that after taking medication and it not working as it supposedly should, my own issues could be more of my own spirit being in constant Warfare.

There's too much for me to go back and feel the need to edit this. It's 3:33 AM upon writing this paragraph and I want sleep. As I said in my thread, I hope I made sense and was coherent. To those I have wronged in my own wrongdoing towards myself, I am sorry, and I ask that you would forgive me. I ask for prayers that I'd have a sense of God's grace in being able to forgive myself.

I'm just sick of all the bullshit in life and honestly, Christ who is in me, He rightfully deserves all of my shit back.

[i-have-a-wonky-eye-too]

One Night...

This is part 2 to One Night 12 Days Ago...

WARNINGS: Fluff, 18+ readers, smut, oral (f-receiving), unprotected sex, breast play, breastfeeding kink? Daddy!Bucky, Papa!Bucky, self loathing, own body shame, body worship

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky ignored the princess tiara that was sat on his head thanks to Morgan making him wear it (along with Sam and Steve), and focused on you and his little girl. Even though she was here and almost four months old, Bucky still couldn't believe she was actually real and all his and yours. She was perfect. You, we're perfect.

"Buck, you listening?" Steve nudged his friend.

Bucky blinked and tore his gaze away from you as you fed his daughter. "Hmm?"

"Course he ain't listening. Look at him, all lovesick puppy, drooling over his baby's mama." Sam teased before taking a swig of his beer.

Bucky let out a heavy sigh making both men laugh at him.

"Ignore him, Buck, he's just jealous." Steve smiled and put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "How is fatherhood treating you?"

Bucky's lips stretched out into a giant grin. "It's great."

He really loved being a dad. The past year had been a roller-coaster of emotions, but Bucky didn't regret his decision he made that day you told him.

"And how's the new house coming along? Y/N said you've been working hard." Steve smiled, although he was a little disheartened he hadn't had the time recently to help you and Bucky out.

"Almost finished." Bucky grinned, "Just got the master bedroom and guest room to redecorate and then that's the whole house."

"Then you've got the yard to start." Sam reminded.

Bucky nodded, "Yeah... Gonna need all the help I can get with that." He chuckled.

"I've got some time off coming up, Bucky. I'll come visit you guys and help out." Steve smiled proudly at his best friend.

"Me too." Sam offered, "Plus, we could always get Groot to help out." The three men burst out laughing together.

"... It's our one year anniversary tomorrow," Bucky smiled. "I'm gonna-"

A high pitched wail cut Bucky off and put him on high alert. "Oh, baby," You cooed softly as your little girl began crying. You stood up, rocking your daughter as big fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Are those nasty teeth bugging you again." You spoke softly, "Shall we get papa to help? Hmm?"

Bucky's heart broke, "Duty calls." Bucky quickly jogged over to where you were. "Papa's here, princess," Bucky scooped his little girl up, kissing her little cheek softly before letting her suckle softly on his left index finger.

Who would have thought the hand Bucky was so scared of for all those years, would be the only thing to bring his little girl comfort.

Steve and Sam watched from afar, shaking their heads as they drank their beer.

"Ugh, it's sickening, isn't it?" Sam smirked.

Steve nodded and smiled to himself as he watched Bucky calm your daughter down like a pro. "Disgusting really."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pepper was looking after your little girl, Bucky was downstairs cooking your anniversary meal whilst you were stood in front of your floor length mirror frowning.

All day you'd been excited for tonight, you'd even bought yourself a new dress. But then you put it on and began to doubt the decision because of the way you felt you looked. Bucky was a fool to be with you. Not that he had any choice. He'd be better off with someone different. God, you hated yourself.

"Why are you crying?"

You looked up from your reflection and met Bucky's eyes in the mirror, surprised by his presence. "Oh, hormones-"

"Don't." Bucky sighed as he stepped into your shared bedroom. "I know when you're lying, Y/N." He frowned softly at you as he came up behind you. He rested his hands on your hips and rested his chin on your shoulder. "You look beautiful." He whispered.

"I don't have any make up on yet, Buck." You scoffed and stepped out of his hold.

Bucky frowned, "You don't need it."

You scoffed again. "Right. Cause bags under the eyes is such a sexy look. Not that you'd know," You muttered.

"You don't have bags, Y/N. And, you never answered my question."

"It doesn't matter." You whispered, sitting down on your side of the bed.

"It does. If something has upset you, tell me, I can fix it and make it better." He smiled softly at you.

You shook your head, "You can't fix me, so... Just forget it."

Bucky stared at you with his mouth gaped. "Fix you? What are you talking about? You don't need to be fixed."

"Yes I do." You looked up at him. "My body has changed, it's saged and stretched and... I'm not, like you. I'm getting old..."

"You're still beautiful, Y/N. And, you're body changed because it was growing our little girl. It changed for the better. And, you haven't saged..." Bucky smiled as he walked up to you. He reached down and pulled you up onto your feet. He pinched your chin and lifted your face to look at him. "You're still the same woman I fell in love with."

Before any words could pass your lips Bucky kissed you deeply. Your hands moved up his sides and up to his shoulders, hugging him closer to you as Bucky held your face close to his.

"Let me show you," Bucky whispered against your lips. "Like you showed me, when I would feel down..." Bucky kissed you softly. "Let me love you..." He trailed his lips across your jaw and down the side of your neck, smirking against your skin as you let out a breathy moans, "... Like you love me."

"Yes," You crashed your mouth against his in a heavy kiss, pulling at his shirt.

You worked together to undress one another, your lips and teeth leaving trails across each other's skin with soft praises.

Bucky let out a soft moan as he knelt back from you, his hands sliding up your thighs as he took in your naked body underneath him. "I've missed you, baby," He leaned over and pressed a light kiss to your right hip and then your left before pressing one to the stretch marks just to the side of your belly button. "Your so beautiful... Even more than before... My sexy... Mama," Bucky smirked, kissing everywhere he could.

You let out a small giggle, pushing on his forehead to get him to stop. "Bucky, I need you... Please."

Bucky smirked as he leaned over you, "Gotta let daddy have a taste first, baby."

You let out a low moan and nodded as you bit your bottom lip.

Bucky moved back down your bottom. Lightly flicking his tongue over your nipples as he fif, smirking as you mewled and gasped at the sensation. He trailed his lips down your body until he came to your thighs. He lifted your legs and put them over his shoulders brfitr he dived right in.

"Fuck!" You cried out as Bucky devoured your cunt.

Bucky wasn't lying when he said he'd missed you. Since you'd given birth to your baby girl had been born, you'd put a wall up around yourself. You hardly showed your beautiful body off any more. He missed being intimate with you, and not just because the sex was always great. He missed showering or bathing with you. He missed laying around naked in bed doing nothing, laughing and making jokes, or walking around in your underwear as you talked first thing on a morning. He missed massaging your sore feet or painting your toe nails for you because you couldn't bend down to do them. He even missed when you did his that one time. He missed just being close to you.

You whined pushing yourself up on your elbows when Bucky pulled back just before you came.

Bucky chuckled as he pushed himself up. "What? You thought I was gonna let you cum just like that?" He winked.

"Tease," You pouted.

Bucky crawled over you until he came eye to eye with you. "Like you don't tease me." He grinned down at you and pressed a kiss to your lips.

"Please... Bucky," You breathed heavily as Bu KY trailed his lips down your throat.

Bucky smirked against you, "Think you're ready, baby? Shouldn't I open you up?"

"Just fuck me, Bucky," You moaned deeply as he lightly bit your shoulder. "Please."

Bucky crashed his his lips hard against yours as he slipped his cock through your slick pussy. You both moaned softly, hands holding each other closer.

You let out a long drawn out moan as Bucky slowly pushed the head of his cock inside your pussy.

"Fuck," You both moaned together.

You tightened your arms around Bucky's body, pulling him closer as he rolled his hips, pushing his cock deeper. Your nails dug into Bucky's back, leaving behind half moon crests.

"Fuck," Bucky panted, "Baby, you feel so good," He ran his nose along the length of your neck.

Your eyes rolled back as Bucky lightly bit your neck and lathered his tongue over the marks. You let out a soft gasp as you felt something wet smudge against Bucky's chest. "Buck, I'm-"

"Shit," Bucky pulled back and looked down to your chest. White droplets pebbled from your nipples. "Oh, baby," He whispered before he bent down and began to softly lick at your left nipple, moaning at the sweet taste of your milk. "... So... Good,"

You muttered and whimpered, wrapping your legs around Bucky's waist as he drove his hips harder into you. "Yes! Oh," Your eyes screwed shut as tingles ran across your skin. "Oh god, yes... Yes!" Your body spasmed as your toes curled and your orgasm ran through your body.

Bucky's stilled as he followed, breathing heavily against your neck and he squeezed your body against his. "Fuck," He kissed your shoulder softly and repeatedly. Bucky slowly and carefully pulled out of you as not to hurt your sensitive body and rolled over onto his side. "I-"

The scent of something burning hit your nostrils. "Did you leave the oven-" Before you could finish the sound of the fire alarm cut you off.

"Oh, fuck!" Bucky quickly jumped out of bed, quickly grabbing his pants as he ran out the door.

You let out an amused giggle, slowly and carefully getting out of bed. You'd missed your body feeling this way. You missed being with Bucky.

"What the?" Your toes touched something as your feet touched the floor. You frowned softly at the small box on the floor.

Bucky huffed angrily as he slammed the burnt chicken down on the side. Everything was going perfect. "Damn it!"

"Bucky,"

"I'm sorry, baby, I fucked up." He sighed deeply and leaned against the counter so his back was to you. "What shall we do? Take out? Or, make a sandwich?" He huffed out a laugh before letting out a frustrated sigh.

You sighed softly, "Buck," You whispered, slowly walking around the counter until you came up behind him. "You didn't fuck up," You gently trailed your hands around Bucky's waist and over his toned stomach. "You got carried away." You giggled, pressing your lips against Bucky's naked back.

Bucky sighed. "M'sorry, doll, I wanted it to be special." He reached up with his flesh hand and took yours as they settled on his pecks.

You smiled against his back. "It is." You tapped your left hand against his chest. "See? I love you too, Bucky."

Bucky frowned and looked down. His eyes widened as he they landed on your ring finger. "God damn it," He groaned and took your left hand in his metal fingers. He looked over his shoulder and smirked at you. "We've still got dessert..."

[noxtivagus]

4 AM THOUGHTS DON'T MIND ME RAMBLING IN TAGS HGJDKSKS

I WNA WRITE AAAAA