#i'm like. now that i've reached a point where i'm comfortable being aroace and also being nonbinary

[queerstudiesnatural]

i'm in such a girlie phase i've started wearing makeup again, i've bought some new dresses, and now i'm applying hair extensions. i'm going full rachel berry season 4 😬

[aroace-ventplace]

I'm seriously wondering if I'm aroace, and the thought terrifies me. I'm scared of being alone forever. Because I want a connection like romance, but something just icks me about romance itself. Sex is definitely off the table, but I'm also wondering if that's partly because of the fact that I'm trans and don't feel comfortable in this body. But being aro scares me even more because I don't want to be alone forever, and I just. Don't know what to think.

the feeling you're describing, of desiring romance in theory but not in practice, is a sentiment i've seen a lot in aspec spaces. sorting out those personal questions of "is finding a romantic partner a genuine desire of mine, or just an echo of what society says i should do? what actually appeals to me about the concept of partnering, and how would that relationship need to look for me to get what i actually want out of it? how do i deal long-term with the fact that this world just isn't built for nonpartnering people?" has been difficult for many of us, and is a lifelong process for some people. i don't have any easy answers for you; all i can do is say that many, many people also struggle with the things you've described. personally, i'm now at the point where i see my aromanticism as something to be celebrated rather than dreaded - we're all outsiders in a world made for two, and that's metal as hell <2

non-graphic discussion of sex and dysphoria under the cut, just in case people want to avoid it:

i'm a trans man with pretty severe all-around dysphoria - top, bottom, height, voice, you name it. i've been transitioning for three years and i've been dysphoric for many more. the way my dysphoria intersects with my asexuality and aromanticism is nebulous at best: there's definitely a connection, but it's very hard to determine exactly how far it goes. here's some questions i've asked myself:

am i uncomfortable with romantic relationships because i'm afraid the other person will view and treat me like a girl? (yes - but when i think about being in a relationship as a man, or any other gender, i still feel repulsed by the idea.)

am i uncomfortable with the idea of having sex because i'm uncomfortable with my own genitalia? (yes - but when i think about theoretically getting bottom surgery and having sex, i still feel repulsed: relatively less so, but still very strongly repulsed.)

would my discomfort be resolved if i were to be in a t4t relationship, where i know the other person sees me as my preferred gender? (well... i would feel more comfortable, but i don't think it would resolve that fundamental repulsion. even when i'm around other trans people, i can usually tell that my relationship to sex and romance is not the same as theirs.)

transitioning changes some people's relationship to sex, and doesn't change others - "t will make you horny and gay" is a pretty common half-joking anecdote among transmascs, and transfems have anecdotes about estrogen/progesterone doing the exact opposite for them. personally speaking... nope, i didn't turn horny and gay! well, mostly. my libido did increase, but in practical terms, it's had no impact on my orientation; i consider myself just as aroace as i was 10 years ago. what i'm getting at here is that it's different for everybody - transness and transition can affect sexuality in complicated ways, but there's never any guarantee that your experience will be the same as anybody else's. whatever your personal relationship to dysphoria, transition, and sexuality is, i hope you can eventually reach a point where you feel comfortable with yourself!

[overlord-of-chaos]

Thoughts on the end of Good Omens 2, as an aroace

So, I'm going to preface this with a few things, since I would very much like anyone who does choose to read this to do in good faith, and I would like to establish my own. Firstly, this is absolutely not a criticism of anybody's headcanons. Crowley and Aziraphale, of all characters, have incredible potential for headcanoning, and I love seeing the fandom's wide and varying interpretations. Secondly, what you see here is not a complete and entire reflection of my opinions of the characters mentioned or the show. It is very specifically me airing my grievances and concerns and venting because I cannot cope with not saying anything at all. I love Good Omens, but I am not going to add caveats to my every sentence to make sure that you, the reader, are certain I'm not just bashing one of the most fantastically queer shows I know. Thirdly, if you vehemently disagree with everything I'm saying here, you're free to ignore it. This is not for you. You're also free to ignore it if you do agree, but at this point I'm going on the assumption that that'll be a smaller portion of whatever audience this reaches anyway. Fourthly, if you are in a similar position to me and sort of spiralling at the prospect of your comfort QPR not being a QPR anymore, then maybe you should read the bullet points at the end. I've sort of got my shit together by then.

So, that said, I would like to take this post as an opportunity to say that I worry about where Good Omens is going. Not in a plot-related sort of way as such, we all know it'll all be alright in the end, more in terms of representation - specifically, whether, by the end of the show, I'll be able to see myself in the characters anymore.

Now, why is this? Well, as you may have guessed from the title, I'm aroace. And when I first saw the Good Omens show, I hadn't really been involved in the fandom at all. This is due to a variety of reasons, including that I wasn't on any of the platforms that enable me to engage in fandom now, and because I'd only read the book a couple of months prior. I didn't know, as I do more now, that one of the main interpretations of the relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale before the show came out was romantic, and I wasn't expecting to see that in the show. I don't tend to expect romance in most circumstances. I more end up picking up on the common tropes used to develop romantic relationships in fiction and observe with little enthusiasm as a character dynamic 'blossoms' into something I cannot comprehend. (This is not to say I dislike romance in everything. I simply dislike it being the one and only significant dynamic in pretty much everything all the time.)

I was well aware that the relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale in the show had been expanded and developed along the lines of a romantic relationship, and I really liked the way it was handled. But at no point did I think this meant that their relationship had to be read as romantic. I thought I could see something of myself in them, and see a relationship that was something other than romantic. At the risk of sounding insulting, I did not feel like their relationship could be anything as simple as a romance. I saw two beings who very deeply loved each other in a nonromantic way, and thought hey, maybe this is a dynamic I could see myself in at last. Maybe this isn't the same old kind of love story.

I thought, perhaps naively, that no matter the hinting from the cast and the way that season 1 was set up, there would always be the room to interpret Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship as platonic (or queerplatonic, specifically, as I read it). And then...well, I imagine you all know what happened then.

From a more objective (probably not quite the right word, but can't think of a better one) analytical perspective, the kiss was one of the hardest-hitting moments in any story I've ever watched, or read. The setup was amazing, the acting was impeccable, and I could not imagine anything else having the same impact. As Neil Gaiman himself has said, no one could deny that it happened. I think it was categorically the right narrative choice. That's not what I'm debating here.

What hurts, what really fucking hurts, is that a lot of the time, I don't feel like there's space for my aroace/queerplatonic reading of their relationship anymore. Some of that's on me, because headcanon is headcanon and there's no reason why I should assume my reading of the relationship is wrong, or canonically impossible. (I mean, Ineffable Bureaucracy is canon. Anything is possible in this fandom.) However, it does mean that I do not quite have the same ability to bury my head in the sand and say that Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship is not set up to be read specifically as a romance.

What worries me is that I am very well aware that I am in a disappointed minority when thinking that their relationship will continue to unfold by hitting key romantic plot points until the door for an aroace interpretation isn't even left ajar. I am in a minority that the writers of Good Omens will likely never hear, and even if they do, I certainly wouldn't expect them to change the coming plot for me.

Most people take the kiss as explicit confirmation that the love between Crowley and Aziraphale is romantic. There's the occasional 'it's okay, they can still be ace!' post dotted around, but no one seems to be talking about the possibility of them being aromantic anymore. They weren't doing that much previously, admittedly, but all I seem to see, from other aro people included, is discussion around how they're feeling about the romance between them being made canon, while I'm sitting here thinking is that the only thing that kiss is allowed to mean? It means that I find myself wondering whether I should give up on seeing the relationship as nonromantic, if only so that I am not as disappointed when season 3 rolls around. (There had better fucking be a season 3. Amazon better fucking pay the writers, pay the actors and renew shit instead of just cancelling it.)

I think one of the main things that makes me uncomfortable is the assumption that the next logical step in Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship is sexual. Because that's how these things normally go, right? You have an ostensibly platonic relationship with romantic undertones, then it becomes explicitly romantic, and then the next 'natural' progression is sexual. It's the same thing every single time. I think it's been vaguely mentioned that they're asexual by virtue of not being human (almost all ace rep being in nonhuman characters is a whole other essay and not something I'm going to get into here), by Neil a few times and in the book, but since I wasn't expecting there to be so little space to read their relationship as nonromantic, I don't know that I can continue to expect it to seem nonsexual too.

And even if that's not the route they take, I don't know that I can trust them not to play up a romantic dynamic, particularly when I think a lot of people would be disappointed if the relationship is 'just' platonic, or platonic-leaning. And I get that, I do. We've been queerbaited enough, but that doesn't mean that something not being romantically queer means it isn't queer at all. I have no idea how one would manage to frame a relationship as explicitly and specifically queerplatonic; there isn't really a template for it (though my god would I love for Good Omens to be the show that makes one). I imagine it would be much more realistic to perhaps hope for something that isn't exclusively and explicitly romantic.

One of my concerns, of course, with a queerplatonic route is that it would be upsetting to people who do see them as a romantic couple to have that door be closed to them (I really don't wish an experience like that on anyone), and that it would leave more space for queerphobic assholes to claim that they're 'just friends'. But I've spent my life hoping for a story that doesn't push platonic love to the wayside when there's the potential for romance, especially when the relationship starts out as something brilliantly compelling and nonromantic. I've spent my life trying not to internalise the idea that the way I love, the only way I can love, isn't enough, even when it seems to be the message that's being shouted with almost every story I ever encounter. A lot of the time, it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm used to it by now. But most of the stories I know haven't meant as much to me as Good Omens. I didn't see the same space to read a relationship in a nonromantic way as I did in Good Omens.

Anyway. I figure either I post this, two people read it and then it disappears into the aether, or I wake up tomorrow morning and find I have made enemies of over half the GO fandom. It doesn't really matter. I think I have accomplished what I wanted to do when I started writing, which was to lay everything out logically for myself so that the mounting evidence not in my favour did not seem quite so insurmountable. And honestly? It doesn't anymore. My brain is very often my own worst enemy, and articulating my emotions somewhere means that I can look at all of this and conclude the following:

Most of the reason why I do not think I can view Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship as nonromantic anymore is because everyone else thinks the ending confirms their hopes of it definitely being romantic. If nothing else, I'm genuinely delighted that it's bringing so many people that joy. We all deserve that kind of joy, and all the canonically queer relationships media has to offer. If nothing else, there is so much joy to take in other people's wholehearted adoration of what season 2 meant to them.

Most of my concerns about how season 3 will go are largely unfounded and entirely hypothetical. Most of it hasn't even been written yet, and can't be until the WGA strike is over anyway, so no one can even hint at how it'll go because it is not, in fact, going.

People will read what they will into Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship dynamic, and so can I! Such are the joys of varying interpretation and headcanon and all that jazz.

One kiss does not close any queerplatonic (or aroace) doors. Nor would a hundred. One of the many joys of queerplatonic relationships is that they can be whatever the fuck you want them to be, including a dynamic that would typically be read as romantic, but isn't.

A romantic relationship is not inherently superior to a platonic one. A romantic relationship is not inherently superior to a platonic one. A romantic relationship is not inherently superior to a platonic one, and nothing in the canon of Good Omens has ever stated this not to be true.

No one who is involved in Good Omens has ever at any point, to my knowledge, said that Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship has to be romantic, or even implied that one must see it that way, or that seeing it otherwise means seeing it as lesser. I am reading this into things because I expect it of the world. I should probably stop.

Short of some truly spectacular feats that may or may not be illegal, there is absolutely nothing I can do to influence the people creating the show, so what I get is what I get. If I can't change it, I might as well enjoy it. There's so much to enjoy, after all. No point stressing over maybes.

If you got this far, I am impressed, I'm not sure I'd have read this much. I hope that this post perhaps gives you a little to think about, preferably a positive something. I also hope that you bear in mind that this is a rather venty braindump and should not be taken as a damning indictment of anything or anyone. I'll probably delete this sometime soon, but I was seized by an urge to say something, and so say something I have, even if I probably forgot at least half my original points.

[knifearo]

Hi! i've recently been coming to terms with the fact im very likely aroace, with aromanticism being the Main One on my mind since i've been struggling a bit with accepting that its possible i may never Be in a traditional relationship, mostly due to the fact that so much of what people set up as milestones to reach in life revolve around romantic love.

I just wanted to say i've really appreciated your blog, its been really nice see your posts and its just been helping a lot in trying to navigate all this :) aromanticism feels like its not talked about anywhere near as much as it should be (feels like it'd help not only aroace ppl but like. everyone), and if i'd known that so many people felt this same way sooner i think it would've brought some relief.

it's been especially tough lately i think with not being a teenager anymore, meaning all my friends around me are finding romantic partners and i guess its tough not to feel like the 'second choice' (some of this stemming from anxiety rather than actually how they treat me), and navigating how i feel around all that (also realising that at this point im not just a late bloomer lol). its been a real help finding spaces online that have people talking about their variety of aspec experiences, and its nice to know there's others like me :)

hello, my dear anon <2

first of all: i'm so glad to provide a space for you that's helpful and comforting. community is so important, especially in experiences that can feel so isolating; no matter how you're feeling, at any point, there will always be people here to support you and listen to you and stand by your side. the aspec community is so important to me and i'm so happy to hear that it's been good to you :)

second of all: coming to terms with being aromantic can be difficult, for sure. the fact that so many of us use the words "coming to terms" is significant to begin with; it was very much the same for me, where it felt like a grieving process for a life that i never really wanted but was Told that i should have. it's difficult to work through the knowledge that the entire course of your life, as people set it up for you, is going to be changed away from what you were told would make you happy. this obviously isn't the same for everybody—i have a lot of people in my notes talking about how aromanticism was a wholly positive, freeing discovery for them—but. y'know. it's not like that for everybody, especially not at first. breaking out of amatonormativity is no easy task. just to express that i felt the same things right alongside you <3

especially with the fear of losing everyone around you to relationships... i mean, i think this is where community comes in again. there's a beautiful world out there where people are more aware of the intricacies of non-romantic relationships and the harms of amatonormativity and in that beautiful world we'll all be secure in knowing that our relationships with people will be important no matter the nature of them, but in the meantime, the security of being friends with other aspec people who are aware of all of this can be really comforting. you'll find the people who will stay by you no matter what, eventually, but forming those relationships with people who already understand is really nice. just like any queer relationships, i think. obviously there are cis people who will be cool but oh, the beauty and comfort and joy of t4t relationships in any form... aspec4aspec (a4a? do we have a general term for that? ace4ace aro4aro etc.) relationships are very important to me. helps to deal with that irrational anxiety, too. :)

one thing about being aromantic is that you will look around at the world and realize how innately helpful and revolutionary aromanticism would be if more people knew about it... again. a beautiful world someday. what we do for now is keep talking about it and keep sharing aro joy and keep developing our own important non-romantic relationships and promoting relationship anarchy and establishing our own lives and personhood on our own terms. so happy to have you here as aroace if that's the term you do land on <2 adore you, treasure you, etc., and i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. feel free to check in anytime about anything! the ask box is always always open. xoxo