#i'm just tired of having to be the planner like . i guess people just don't care at all?

[yunmew]

"You're too nice."

Honestly, I'm getting really tired of hearing that. You know what? I think you're too mean 😂

[klm-zoflorr]

Agnes Montague, the villain Phoenix :33

I used a stained glass filter on this one, looove how it looks. Also here are a few versions without as much editing so you can see the details.

Agnes is one of my favorites in this AU. And in general too I guess lol. So I made her entirely too overpowered! She's obviously based off Dark Phoenix/Jean Grey/The Phoenix from Xmen. Without as much of the hero-turned-villain vibes Jean has, Agnes can be nice but she's mostly a wrong-doer.

I'd probably say she's the most powerful super-human in the 'verse, or at least where the story takes place. Her and Magnus are buddy-buddies because. Um. I just want them to be.

So, her powers, right. She can control and

produce fire, lots of it. She can fly. The wings only appear when she wants them to btw. I think she has some form of telekinesis, sure why not plus I don't have a lot of people like that in the verse (and I'm quickly running out of canon characters anyways loool). I don't think I'll give her too many psychic powers? Maybe just some ability to block psychic attacks. Oh well nevermind lets just make her cooler let's say she can attack people psychically, as in not quite read their thoughts (even if I think she could grasp on some of the things you're thinking while she's there) but like, cause intense pain to her victim and maybe even kill them by hitting them with her mind.

Her hands are more like talons or claws, with tough nails and strong, too. She can rip someone's face off or hold herself up with them.

The nature of her powers make them somewhat incontrollable and ill-suited for precision work or limiting damage/casualties.

Despite all of that, Agnes is very tired and looks as such. Her abnormal body warmth makes her sleep poorly and not very much, if she isn't setting the room on fire or throwing objects around when she's having nightmares. She holds off from getting intoxicated in any way because she might level off the whole island if she did.

And the cherry on the cake... She can ressurect herself. AND others. Let the holy cleansing fire engulf you and be reborn anew with your sins scrubbed clean yadda yadda you know the deal. It resets people to a younger age and cures any ailment they have, so that's a rather extreme form of healing too if you will.

Naturally, with that sort of powers the Cult Of The Lightless Flame (named like that because Agnes hoggs all the light) treats her as a goddess. Which isn't that far from the truth actually.

Suffice to say in the story she is not the big bad our heroes have to take down because that would be straight-up impossible.

Design notes and misc:

-I usually imagine her with dark hair, but for this AU she really just had to be a redhead I feel.

-Yes, in the art she doesn't have feet but that's just because I got lazy.

-She wears practical gloves, a guilded shiny supersuit, impractical shoulder pads and a white flowy skirt and shoulder sash that both get set on fire very frequently. This is meant to evoke how she mostly doesn't care or need to be dressing appropriately for fighting, she's too powerful to need to.

-She doesn't carry anything on herself either, no pockets no bags no nothing, she has goons for that. She's just there to look impressive and deus ex machina everyone's asses to the ground if they get too annoying.

-She's lived a long life, done a lot, was in the military at some point which influenced a lot of how she thinks. Again, she CAN be unfrivolous and practical, she just doesn't want to and has to remain a symbol. She can shoot a gun pretty well.

-Her "crown" (it's a paper crown) is something children that admired her gave her. She's very very careful not to burn it, but can't wear it everywhere either

-She's not much of a strategizer or a long-term planner unlike Magnus, she just doesn't see the point in that and she already has everything she could ever want. She could have the potential to rule the city instead of having everyone vaguely follow her lead, but she's just not much of a tyrant.

Oh, yeah, and Jude. Jude Perry is Agnes' right hand woman and closest friend, her villain name is Lampadarius and she can make anything that isn't organic matter melt/heat up (like those cans in MAG012: First Aid). One of her favorite tricks is heating up her gloves and burning people like that. It pisses her off when you call her Agnes' guard dog. She's been ressurected a few times by the Phoenix, so been around for a while too.

[sevenop]

Billie Eilish x Fem!reader: The Countess's carriage

A/n: You get your driver's license, and Billie just likes to mess around sometimes.

Billie's point of view. Small references to "Oxytocin".

"Okay guys, we're done, you're packing up the equipment! You all did a great job!" - The photographer gives the command and his booming voice shaking the bright studio like a fairy-tale giant easily lifting a log cabin into the air, and for a second it seems that even the huge vertical plane of the cyclorama behind me is swaying, absorbing his powerful, bassy voice. Something reminiscent of huge stage speakers, quite amusing. - "Thank you more for such a pleasant cooperation, Ms. O'Connell."

The stocky man smiles as kindly as if he were a boy of five, making his truly French mustache bounce upward in curls. And he himself is a living embodiment of Parisian chic, making an impression of some incompatible between windiness and seriousness. Chinos pants in gray plaid, expensive white shirt that is deliberately not buttoned up on the first button, black classic Vans slip-ons, brown jacket, and his majesty - yellow scarf. It's like I never left Paris, a really wonderful photographer.

"Just Billie," - I sank blissfully into the blue pouffe with my foot on the leg, - "and thank you, it's mutual."

The good-natured uncle walks away, looking at the camera screen with incredible satisfaction as he walks (perhaps even calculating the profits from the magazine covers, as evidenced by his dreamy feline smile), and I can finally exhale, relaxed. When I lean my head back and close my eyes for a few seconds, the studio around me is as noisy as a forest: someone removes the nozzle from the softboxes with a characteristic rustle like the sound of leaves, or heared alternating clicks that make the studio lights go out, reminiscent of a woodpecker's knocking on wood. And it's all mixed in with the rushing of people stomping around, muffled speech that I'm not really trying to make out. With an exhalation I open my eyes leisurely, and while long-legged tripods and reflectors, so similar to buds opened under the sun, are "flying by", I fumble for my phone in the pocket of baggy jeans. Even in this consonance of work noise, I hear most sensitively the sound of the notification from you. Or maybe I don't hear it, but already feel it in my heart, who knows? A light swipe up and our chat window obediently pops up. Emoji of a burning heart in place of name and your photo in the profile circle, where you deliberately playfully shine your sharpened bare collarbones, which for me is the most delicious cherry that I want to savor on my tongue.

"Hey, guess who can surpass you on the road now? 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜"

A warm smile spreads on my lips: your efforts have really paid off despite the itchy worries in your soul. So proud of you, though I can't help but tease jokingly - the newfound opportunity is too sweet, since you and I can have such an unconditionally good time.

"Debatable about surpassing me, my girl..." - And immediately followed by a new blue cloud of a message that slipped right out from under my fingers. - "But I'm eternally proud of you, you're incredible."

"Then why does it look like you want to take me on as a bet, Eilish?"

Bingo. As soon as I slyly cast my rod, you immediately swallow the bait, even knowing full well what's involved. Your deliberate submissiveness is so enticing, it makes me bite my lower lip, automatically stoking the hungry flames of my obscene thoughts. The false fang scratches my lip from the excessive pressure. Shit... Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a tall, thin shadow looming over me, causing me to raise my head, reflexively blocking my screen.

"Billie, ready to go yet?" - Laura smiles, holding the thick day planner in one hand and holding it out to me with the other like a caring fairy godmother. I nod and immediately brag to get up from the blue ottoman in one motion. - "You look a little tired, dear, but luckily that was the last activity for today."

"And this is coming from a person who should be on a well-deserved vacation twice already, but has been putting it off for about six months now," - I chuckle, and Laura playfully folds her fingers pistol-wise, tucking her "sacred" texts under her armpit. A few impromptu shots, and I play along like an unlikely Hollywood movie actor, grabbing dramatically at the heart. - "Okey, my lip zipped."

"That's right!" - Ramsey, with a cheeky grin, alternately blows imaginary smoke off her fatal "weapon" before she get back in the same mood. - "Should I call a driver to give you a ride home?"

"No, that's okay,"- I sluggishly wave her off as the two of us weave our way toward the exit of the room, keeping our course toward the intricate weave of several dark corridors and dressing rooms. - "Better tell me, can I keep those awesome fangs?".

"I think, for a small fee, it's quite possible."

"Great!" - I dip my hand into my pocket again, unintentionally blinding myself with the display in the unfamiliar darkness at first. My fingers immediately touch the necessary letters, as if in a sharp and passionate tango. - "Simply marvelous."

One can now tread on this fragile ice far more confidently than before.

"It is, I want." - The blue cloudlet goes to you, losing the final "you" along the way, which I did, after all, erase as soon as I typed it. Not because it's not true, but because it's too boring and stupid to open all the cards at once. - "Will you pick me up?"

Two thin, white checkmarks appear almost immediately in the corner, notifying me that it's been read. The three dots at the top of the screen bounce meditatively as I say goodbye to Laura, who's walking further down the maze of narrow corridors, and I'm touch the handle of the dressing room with the palm of my hand as I make mine way inside.

"Yeah, only if you're want ride on a bicycle." - The words skillfully build into your traditional irony, and I can hold back a burst of laughter. - "I don't have a car yet, and I don't think you're so dreamy about having all of LA running after us when they recognize you."

"Take my Dragon, and show me what you can do. I'll be waiting."

I write the address and set the phone back down on the table contentedly, settling into the high chair in front of the mirror: I smile languidly, and a pair of snow-white fangs and silver grillz catch the glow of light from the warm backlighting running along the mirror frame. The silver star shining especially brightly. I notice the playful blue sparks in my gaze that flicker with the stirring dirty thoughts already running rampant in my head. Well, this is going to be fun!

×××

As soon as I leave the building through the back door, under the usual escort of two trustworthy guards and the responsible Laura, I hear the familiar, soft rumble of the engine and my favorite rustle of wheels in the deep dark blue twilight: you pull into the parking lot like a careful panther, so as not to attract unnecessary attention. Although I know how much you want to make noise for the whole block and press the gas pedal to the floor. I like to do that. And I think I like to see you driving my car, which I'm just now finding out.

"You're too sexy against the obsidian black metallic, you know that?" - I dive into the passenger seat, which feels a little unfamiliar, and you almost drop your jaw to the floor of the cabin in surprise when I look at you defiantly from under my dark glasses and smile. I bite my lip deliberately, setting the stage. - "You like it?"

"Insanely." - You look adoringly into my blue waters, so beloved of you, and I can't hold back a slight blush, immediately covering myself with a smirk. - "You seem to have surpassed even Carmilla herself, Countess."

"I hope the first vampire in the history of literature doesn't take too much offense at me." - I grab to my seatbelt, letting a chuckle pass through my lips.

"She will. It's impossible to be offended by you."

As we pull out of the parking lot, the right to stare elegantly becomes my authority, which you've unknowingly handed over to me, as if you've performed a gothic sacrament in the semi-darkness of the cabin by your mere appearance and demeanor. The massive gold chain that weighs so seductively on your neat neck is worth it. And the long coffee-colored jacket that accentuates your sculpted shoulders? My gaze falls on the thin strap threaded into the laces of your casual pants - the belt plaque is gold-plated, too. You lower your right hand, gently touching the gearshift knob, and I stare so dumbly, hungrily outlining each phalanx and the line of rings playing on your beautiful fingers. Oh my God... You're doing absolutely nothing obscene, and I'm practically dying already.

"Is everything okay?" - you ask, not taking your eyes off the road. Your face is so unaccustomedly focused, though I catch some concern in your gaze.

"Just admiring you," - I take off my sunglasses, clinging them with one earpiece on the collar of my T-shirt. - "And... I wanted to offer you something."

"Listening attentively, my Countess." - You look at me expectantly, just as we slow down at the stoplight waiting for the signal, a purring chuckle on your lips. - "Anything for your gothic majesty, the finest carriage at your service."

"Is it really the best? It's not like I'm driving right now." - A smirk shoots up on its own, causing you to do nothing but tsk tsk and roll your eyes theatrically. You're my flawless opera.

"Stop taunting and tormenting me and tell me what you're up to, slick."

The air sticks in my throat barely in time to form meaningful words, or at least syllables: a red Audi comes nose to nose, honking softly. My hands reach for mine glasses, clawing them back onto my face as a kind of reflex. And you're instantly taut, like a string twisted in the right direction by a peg on top of the fingerboard. Hands on the handlebars in perfect position, for all the flashy high marks. Again another slight honk of a car suddenly appearing nearby breaks the silence of the night.

"Did I do something wrong?" - You ask perplexedly, arching your eyebrows slightly in a frown and turning your head toward the window, just in time for the expensive source of the rich scarlet-colored sound. The Audi immediately winks playfully at you a couple times with its high beam lights, making you squint more and more with the question hovering right above your head.

"No, relax." - I run my hand down your thigh, which immediately tenses under my palm. You turn your gaze back to me, still as questioning, but you spread your leg closer to me without further ado. You're so obedient, it's a miracle. - "It's just that you're being called to a stoplight race."

"Uh, just like in the movies?"

"Uh-huh." - I slide my hand thigh , down to your knee to come back up and rest on the border of my inner thigh. The look is attentive, eye to eye, you're not even looking down yet. - "When two or more drivers in expensive cars meet randomly on the road and try to prove who is 'cooler' by overtaking each other, flashing high beams, playing 'checkers' usually with significant speeding."

"And... How do I win?" - My palm dives down, and you start breathing a little confused, which someone else wouldn't even notice unless you knew you properly. But I do know, and that brings a satisfied smile as if on cue. - "Eilish..."

"I'll tell you if you promise to grant my wish," I return back, squeezing your thigh through the fabric of your pants. - "Whatever it is."

"I promise." - You nod confidently, even without any pause. A small spark of excitement shines in the depths of your pupils. Wonderful.

"Usually this sort of thing ends with one heavily outmaneuvering the 'opponent', like while he's stopped at a stoplight, bumping into slow traffic, and stuff like that." - I lower my glasses a little, peeking over the edge of the frame. Your gaze drifts momentarily to the rich blue of my lashes, and then you're back at the mercy of my calculating eyes. - "Racing from stoplight to stoplight, usually starting on green, then rapid acceleration, 'checkers' and braking before the next stoplight.

"Well, there's no other cars here now, obviously."

"In our case, all we have to do is run a green light to get our opponent 'stuck' into a red light." - feeling the coolness of the gearbox knob with the palm of my hand is nice, even sitting in the passenger seat, even if it feels completely different. - "Roar if you want to compete."

You pause for a second, arching your back into the seat, staring appraisingly at the distant traffic light in front of you, and then place your hands on the steering wheel. Seeing the blue ribbons of your veins on your tense wrists is pure sex. You squeeze the gas pedal, shaking the silence of the intersection with a powerful roar - and that's sex multiplied by x-two. You really know how to make the Dragon sound. And I know how to make you sound. The scarlet Audi responds immediately, making noise and "shooting" the engine in a cocky, open and brazen challenge.

"I dibs pay on the fines, Eilish." - you exhale tensely with a chuckle, staring at the red light as if someone's life depends on it. Oh, you're nervous as if you're on your deathbed, waiting with your hand clasped on the handle.

"The Countess is betting all her treasure on you, my coachman." - I lean back in my chair with too much wimpy pathos on my tongue, and as I smile my teeth catch the glow of the streetlights again, which is especially visible in the side mirror. Red changes to yellow, to which the Audi growls again, and you don't make a single extra move, just wait. - "Prove it to me what you better."

Five seconds of silence - the yellow cycles to green. And you sharply push the knob on the box forward in a split second, at the same time pressing the pedal to the floor. The wheels grind to a devilish speed, and I'm immediately sealed into the seat. It's pure madness, but I like it. The Audi pathetically "shooting" the exhaust pipe, being bumper to bumper with you again. At the last decisive meters, when the green circle blinks, as if saying goodbye for a while, and the "Dragon" on half a bumper rushes forward, you confidently pull the handle a little on itself, including the second gear, then - clutch, smooth wheel spin, gas. With a whistle of tires, you fly sideways behind the traffic light hanging from above, immediately leveling off to the proper lane and driving away, kicking up dust. The red Audi stays behind the red light, a little further away.

With the realization of the outcome, we yell something unintelligible to each other, me nearly bouncing out of my seat even though I'm buckled in, you, a five-finger running through your hair disbelievingly while the road is still empty.

"Wow, I definitely have one of the best carriages of all," I whisper half hoarsely, feeling the tight ligaments in my throat peppering.

"And yet not the best?" - you pout playfully, biting down on the bottom one so your smile doesn't give you away. Still too flighty and excited from the dose of adrenaline shooting through your bloodstream. - "I won, hey!"

"You won, but you didn't win against me," - I show you my tongue, sticking it exactly in the gap between my fangs, and you laugh childishly. There's no hint of resentment or anything like that on your face.

"So be it, Eilish." - You look distractedly at the rearview mirror, as if convincing yourself that this isn't all a figment of your imagination. - "So what about your wish?"

And here comes the prize for audience sympathy! Personal and unique, so long awaited.

"Remember my apartment in the apartments near the center?" - I place my hand back on your thigh, stroking extremely close, making you almost hiss, "Head over there, right into the underground parking lot."

×××

Passing the security checkpoint without the slightest problem, and pulling into the parking lot just out of camera range - good idea, great even. Unbuckling the seatbelts on both of us and getting my lips on yours before your mechanism hit the car wall with its metal detail was great. Ordering you, so panting and disheveled from my hands and lips, to move into the back seats right out of the front seats, following me is stunning in its uniqueness. You are sprinted by me to the back seat without any mercy or excuse, with your lips slightly swollen and reddened from biting. And I deeply don't care that we're somewhat cramped right now, perhaps that only plays to our advantage. I don't care because it's my wish, and you promised to fulfill it.

"You're crazy, you know that?" - Your gaze is so serious - pure surgical steel, but you're breathing intermittently and without noticing it you're fawning your body only closer to me, your legs in expensive pants spread wider, giving more space. - "Why don't you back off and pick something safer?"

Sitting on you in the small interior of Dodge: pure insanity. Hovering over you again and tongue leaving a lust-hot stroke on your neck, pulling back the collar of your thin white turtleneck: a complete breakdown of brakes and decency. But can't I be bad sometimes? Oh, yes, I can! Especially when there's a hot girl like you in my car.

"Can't take it back once it's been set in motion," - I clutch that most fucking licentious gold and massive chain in my fist, pulling you closer by it so you're sure to hear every word crystal clear in my whisper. - "Cause I like to do things God doesn't approve of if she saw us."

"Eilish, fuck...," - I rest my knee so shamelessly between your thighs, deliberately creating friction, and you melting, letting go of any moral guardrails, your face hidden behind your Artemis palm: fingers so thin and chiseled and beautiful, like you're a perfect portrait descended from the paintings of antiquity. Mine. So excited and almost swaggering.

"Girl, I'm going to drive you crazy," - I run the very tip of a fang along the curl of your ear, and you pant in heat, swallowing your own moan so obediently that my own thighs shake from the tension. Gently I wrap my fingers around your hand, moving my hand away from your face. - "Wanna see what you can take, take you right in the my car, such a deadly hot girl. Will you be obedient for me?"

"Yes," - you wheeze, clinging to my lips, and I allow it, only biting lightly. It seems like you're about to have bloody scratchy cracks on your lips as it is, my weakness. I leave a few hickeys on your neck, and I almost laugh as you purr a muffled moan: I think I'm getting too into the vampire role, don't you think?

I touch you just everywhere, every precious cell of your body, and you still don't beg: you endure and only occasionally look away from me, wishing you could find some respite to save your soul in this four-wheeled Purgatory that is more sinful than hell itself.

"You couldn't look away, look away, look away..." - I hum mockingly right in your face, grabbing your chin, but you only roll your eyes with the new thrust of my knee. You're so interesting to 'break', my dear, so unadulterated and interesting to me.

"She'd wanna get involved, involved, involved..." - you deftly parry my own sentence. A slight smirk flashes across your lips, and then I'm nearly folded in half when you thoughtfully shut my mouth with your hand and wedge your knee into the very point of infernal heat in my body. There, between my thighs.

"Slut..." - I feel the sweat begin to trickle down my forehead, and a bitchy smile spreads across my lips. You don't look away, staring straight into my irises, wanting to swim in those seas, to stay there forever. But I won't let you - I just can't do it without you. Your parched lips fold silently into "yours," and so hard tightens the knot of heat in my lower abdomen as if all five letters were belladonna petals.

Deftly I unbuckle your belt, pull the zipper tongue down and you instantly break down, no longer having any strength to continue this teenage game we're playing.

"I'm begging, Billie, please..."

Click! And you broke, just seconds before I would have lost all patience myself, pounding into you with fingers so frantic and selfless that you never dreamed. Good girl. And good girls should be encouraged, shouldn't they?

Already half-naked, you crawl back to the narrow window with your back to the max distance, and I slide down the seat to the opposite side with my feet on the floor. I run my hands over your absolutely uncovered thighs, touching them smoothly with my lips as if they were expensive velvet. You want to grab my hair with your hands, speeding up the process, but you stopped yourself so obediently that I personally place your hand on the back of my head-you deserve it.

I run my tongue between the hot petals, and you nearly bang your head on the roof, wanting to arch your body in a beautiful arc of pleasure. Your hands are tangled in my dark hair, and I'm just trying not to scratch you with my two snow-white "gothic blade", stolen from the photo shoot so successfully. The star-shaped grillz are so contrastly, it's so cold on your aroused clit at first, isn't it?

You cum even without fingers, too taken to extremes in foreplay. All I do is suck in the pot of your clit with my lips, and you do fly into the low ceiling of the car with your forehead, jerking from your orgasm too sharply. You squeeze your eyes shut in pain, barely able to recover again from the new wave of small shudders.

"Hey, hey, hey," - I'm settling in just as you do, pulling you closer to me, resting your head on my chest. Your feet dangle to the floor, but you don't seem to care. You only squint, trying to calm the mottled galaxy before your eyes, and poke your lips against my neck. - "Gently, be accurate, my girl."

You open your eyes, and you look at me so wildly, the word Fallen Angel on Alexander Cabanel's canvas. Madly, with burning eyes, with unknown power. You don't say a word only kiss endlessly, and with one hand you manage the thin Gucci belt and the zipper on my jeans. You enter with two fingers so unexpectedly and precisely that I would have left a hole in the roof with my head if you hadn't put your hand there in time.

"The Grammy Academy still needs some talented twists, careful," - you chuckle, but I'm just feverishly thrusting against your tense fingers, eager for release. I bite my lip until it's bloody, and the star-shaped grillz blinks silver. - "Nah, that won't do..."

You pull your fingers out, and I feel like crying or biting "vampire-style."

You slide down between my thighs, throwing my legs over your back as best you can by virtue of the space, and then you say, looking into my eyes with Edenic pleasure like you've tasted forbidden fruit:

"Beg me, Billie Eilish."

Click! And I break under you in my own car, burning with excitement.

[tothisemptiness]

Golden Hour: Part 2 Analysis Bonus: Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going?

Sorry for the long title but this was just the perfect opportunity to use my favourite art piece title of all times (even though I hate Gauguin's style). As you can understand from the title, I will discuss the parallels and juxtapositions between each protagonist's character in the start and as of Golden Hour: Part 2. This doesn't further my theories in any way and I'm doing this solely because I think it's fun to notice and compare these. If you want to see the previous posts of this series you can find them below:

Part I: The Diaries

Part II: "Ice On My Teeth" MV

Part III: The Chess Piece Theory

Hongjoong: Captain had started this journey with the main intention of getting on TV and finding his family. In the process, he used music and dance as a tool for his goal and created himself a new family thanks to this. In the end he did get on the TV and found the family he was looking for, even though he strayed away from music and dance and did this through literature. But now the family he created is scattered across the world with separate lives, barely ever communicating, just like his biological family was. Get one, lose one I guess.

Seonghwa: In the beginning Seonghwa was sick and tired of all the routine and to-do lists. The thing that triggered his attraction to art was actually how free the dancing girl seemed. However, he found solace in emergency training when he was working through the traumas of World Z. I don't know if you've ever had any emergency training, but they are basically to-do lists that you must memorize so well that you can execute them flawlessly without thinking. The thing that basically freed Seonghwa from his own mind was routine and to-do lists. In fact, he found this more comforting than vague dreams. This also manifests itself in The World diaries too since Seonghwa was the planner of the group. Maybe the road to freedom wasn't getting out of the routine, it was just planning with a goal in mind.

Yunho: Yunho's trigger was his brother's death and most of his arc was about grief and moving on. However, Yunho very clearly doesn't move on. He becomes an archaeologist after seeing another Cromer in hopes of finding more artifacts and going back to his dangerous yet glorious life in World Z. Or to take back the time and go back to save his brother again. As far as we can see, he is the only member who chooses a path in life with the direct goal of going back. Furthermore, as an archaeologist his job and lifestyle is about dead people and their lives, which becomes a bit meaningful considering his brother's death. I'm sorry if this last part sounds insensitive, I literally cannot find a way to mention this sensitively.

Yeosang: I find his character development the most interesting actually. First of all, it was never about music at all when it comes to Yeosang. He was already playing music; in fact, he was forced to play it. What drew him to the group was escaping expectations. However, at the end of the day, he plays right into them. He becomes an investor just like his father (I imagine, but he may have a different job related to finance too). He tries to prove to himself that he is different by financing arts but in the end he is the one to tell Wooyoung that he should not try again because a life that doesn't follow his first passion is not a failure and is good enough. Rather aggressively. He reminds me of a father who is concerned that his son will doom himself to failure by taking the risk of becoming an artist and wants him to just settle with a normal job. Very much like his own father.

San: In the first Fever diaries, San's big issue was moving around too fast to form meaningful relationships. He was basically being dragged around by his family. And then he decided to stay at one place where he formed them. And when everyone started moving on he realised staying at one place was not the key to this: it was what you make of the relationships you form in the limited time you have. So he starts moving around to create new relationships and experiences; because life is about sharing love, eating together, and cleaning up after your own messes. And he wants to share love and eat together with many people. He still does the same thing he used to hate when he was young, but this time he does it with his own consent and moves only when he is ready. I think it was always about consent with San: the difference between exploring and not being dragged around.

Mingi: There is a crazy juxtaposition between Mingi's poverty when he was young and his extreme wealth now. When he was young he was basically a ghost because of his social and economical status and was only noticed when he was about to be bullied, except for Wooyoung. Now he is the talk of the world and is highly praised.

Wooyoung: I am looking through the notes I took while going through each diary entry ever as I write this and I realized something: I didn't write anything about Wooyoung. Because Wooyoung is the only stagnant character. His wishes don't change, nor does his humour. And the only reason I can find for this is he is the only character who didn't manage to move even one inch to his dream, he wanted to become a dancer and he still isn't a dancer. And he isn't the type to settle too, he is an artist through and through.

Jongho: When we first meet him he was clinging on to music and becoming an idol after his dream of becoming a basketball player had failed. Now his dream of becoming an idol is through too and he is settle with just being a producer. He still believes the opportunity will present itself but let's be honest, at 24 (I take irl Jongho's age for the character's age, check Part I for explanation) it is basically impossible to become an idol with no previous media exposure. I think becoming a producer and vocal coach for new groups and trainees because you weren't picked as an idol is very similar to becoming a basketball coach because you couldn't make it as a player. Jongho can never achieve his full dream, he always has to settle.

What Is Their True Passion?

As I was writing this I realized something: The only members who pursued music/dancing for music/dancing's own sake were Wooyoung and Jongho. For all else it was just a tool to achieve what they were missing. Hongjoong used it to become famous and reunite with his family, Seonghwa did it because of the feeling of freedom and beauty it provided, Yunho only got interested because he wanted to fulfill his brother's dream despite his life being cut short, Yeosang wasn't even scouted because he was an artist but because of his engineering and accepted the group's offer because it was the only place he felt he could live up to expectations (manning drones is a fulfillable expectation for him), San was in for the stable relationships he could finally form and Mingi was mainly into music because it was a way for him to escape his reality.

We see all these members achieve their goals in the end: HJ finds his family, SH feels free one way or another, Yeosang can live up to the expectations of him becoming a successful investor, San is forming bonds his way and Mingi is no longer struggling financially so he has nothing to run away from. Yunho still hasn't achieved dream but has found a way that doesn't involve art.

We can clearly see for any of these guys it was never about art at all so they have an easier time moving on from this phase. Wooyoung and Jongho, however, are the only ones who actually did art for art's sake and in the diary they are the only ones who are serious about trying again. However Jongho is the kind of person to settle with "good enough", he likes his peace more than making his true dream come true (and who can blame him for that?) while Wooyoung will do whatever it takes to achieve his first dream, because it is his only dream. That is why Yeosang's words don't make sense to him and seem cowardly. This is where the controversy is: he can't understand the others because he doesn't know what their real goals were and the others cannot understand him because for them art was never the thing they were really chasing after so accepting to pursue another dream isn't that hard.

So clearly, when Wooyoung wishes to reignite a passion he doesn't specify, there are a wide range of passions that can be reignited within the group. And I am so curious to see how events will unfold following the latest diary. Thanks for coming to my TED talk <3

[wake-me-up-inside-imagines]

Hello! Could I request Ace and Levi from drdt with a fem! ult novelist who is tired all the time and overworks herself?

Sure thing! I feel like these two boys are kinda underrated in the fandom so I'm happy to write for them!

Ace and Levi with a Fem! ultimate novelist S/O who's constantly tired

Warnings: none

Fem! reader

Levi:

-Concerned boyfriend

-He has a deep appreciation for your talent and the dedication you put into your writing, but he hates seeing how normal it is for you to be so exhausted all the time

-But he also kind of gets it, there will be times when he's so invested in his work that he'll forget to take care of himself as well

-He understands that it's not as simple as getting up and going to bed, especially when you have the intense need to finish something, no matter how long it takes

-That being said, he'll do as much as can to help you manage your sleep and your work balance

-He'll make a planner setting aside ample time to work, while also giving you time for yourself and to sleep, Scheduled around your working needs

-Like if you do you're best writing at night he'll set your work hours for the evening or vise versa, as well as how long it typically takes you to get a certain amount of work done

-If you refuse to come to bed, he'll straight up just... pick you up and carry you to your bed

-He'll stay with you if you have a hard time sleeping, he has a very comforting presence

-He often helps you with writing ideas during your writer blocks, he knows how much they stress you out and he doesn't want you to be stressed

-More on the writing side of things, he loves talking to you about your books (He's read them all and has the next one on preorder)

-He enjoys hearing about your writing process, what inspires you, if any of your books are inspired by real events or people, ect

-Once your newest novel drops, he reads it as fast as possible so he can discuss it with you

-He's also just enamored by the way you write, you're not called the ultimate novelist for no reason after all

-Whilst reading, he can tell how much love, effort, and care you put into the writing, perfecting every last detail

-He's super proud of you, he just hopes you'll sleep more once you begin working on your next book

Ace:

-Ok I mean this in the nicest possible way...

-He thinks your lack of sleep is stupid

-Has the mentality of "why are you tired? Just sleep lol"

-Even after you explain it to him, he doesn't really understand why you don't sleep

-But he has enough braincells to understand that it impacts you pretty heavily so he stops insulting it

-He didn't see why it was a big deal at first, but after using his observation skills for once, he's like "oh shit this is an actual issue, uh oh"

-He wants to help you because even though he can be insensitive he loves you, but also, he's Ace so his methods are a bit more... harsh I guess? (annoying is probably a better word actually). But they are super effective

-He has this really strategic way of getting you to sleep, he calls it "annoy Y/N until she has no choice but to sleep because I won't shut up until she does"

-As I said, it's very effective

-Once nighttime rolls around, he'll start whining and begging for you to come to bed with him because 'he saw a shadow move and he needs you to protect him from it' or some dumb shit like that

-He's purposefully playing up his anxiety to get you to sleep and it's working surprisingly well

-If you still refuse, he'll just keep bugging you, it's not like you can work with him constantly talking anyway so you might as well sleep

-He also has an iron grip on you while he sleeps so good luck trying to get up after he falls asleep to do more work because that's not happening

-I can't say he's read all of your books because I'd be lying (he doesn't strike me as an avid reader tbh) but he does want to read the one you've been working on

-Once it's out, he'll read it and praise you on your work (although it'll probably take him awhile to finish)

-He genuinely likes your writing and he's decided to go and read your other stuff now

(I hope you enjoyed! I feel kinda bad for clowning on Ace so much but it's just so easy to do, I had to)

[yuna-writes]

I want to stop being a planner

Which is funny too because I'm trying to become a day trader which is mostly me planning my trades everyday haha. But if there was this one weird or odd quirk about me is that I have plan behind a plan, which has a plan and has another plan in the backdoor. I don't think an average person plan that much throughout their day. Most people just stay present and experience things as time progresses. Sure, some could plan a little bit into the future but not too far because that would stress them out.

Sometimes I wonder if this "planning" attitude stems from some past trauma I had, and usually when people plan a lot, it's sort of a way for someone to take control over the situation because they feel like everything around them is going out of control. I don't currently feel that way, but I can see how my personality slowly developed over time where I did feel like I keep losing a sense of control. I suppose some people see planning as being responsible and being strategic but I do think continuous planning might be overboard and I don't think most people wouldn't understand how I think, and see me as thinking too much into the future.

I don't know whether this is a bad or good quality. It really depends on perspectives. Like even losing a job is pretty random and arbitrary event. It's not that I planned out that it will happen. I actually didn't expect to lose my job, but I did anticipate I could lose my job through variables outside of my control. And I know that living cost around my area is really expensive, so if I lose my job, it's relatively very easy to lose everything - your home and livelihood. So I did create a Plan B, but not sure if it's a bullet proof plan. It's not something I can jump ship to right away, but it's keeping me upfloat. I'm actually wondering what other people are doing in this period where they are unemployed.

I suppose job loss is a traumatic experience, and people do feel a loss of control over losing something that was sustaining their livelihood. Therefore, that's why I think a very normal response is to plan for this type of situation, but most people don't. I think a lot of people trust the status quo, and they trust their company and co-workers. And the truth is, loyalty and trust is becoming non-existent these days at companies. I already caught this on but I feel like other people get blindsided by this, as if loyalty actually exist in companies. Maybe it used to exist in the boomer era, but these days, that culture is also diminishing over time.

To be honest, I get kinda tired of planning and just want to trust the system in place but somehow I feel like the system in place screws people over. And yeah, I guess I developed some trust issues, but can it be helped if you experienced things where someone took advantage of you? Sometimes you have to depend on yourself but that also means you need plan for different scenarios. I don't know if I should abandon my ability to continuously plan and strategize my day, or let life happen as is. The thing is, the people who didn't plan for the possibility where they could lose their jobs, have unfortunately lost their homes and livelihood already.

[jayswing101]

For the crafting ask, if snd only if you want to: 🌼🌿🍉

Oooh these are some interesting questions~~

🌼 Do you have a project (current or a past one) you want to talk about?

There's two I'm currently working on that I've also been working on for a while now, but I'm just going to talk about one so this answer doesn't get super long 😅

I'd love to talk a bit about the first ribbon skirt that I've ever made! I'm using two fabrics for it, both with designs I love and that I'm excited to wear, and four ribbon colours. All the materials come from an Indigenous-owned shop that I've loved for years (4 Generations Creations), and the artist and owner of this shop is the reason I feel comfortable wearing a ribbon skirt in my daily life, so it was cool to get my fabric and ribbons from her!! I'm hand sewing because I don't like using a sewing machine, and there's a total of eight panels that make up the skirt, so it is taking a while to make 😅

It's a bit of a non-traditional style because I'm making it with a tie-waist so that it's adjustable, and it's also going to be a lot fuller than ribbon skirts typically are, but I want to wear it every day and I prefer fuller skirts (they feel less "feminine" somehow? and also I can wear shorts under them and then run around like I'm still wearing pants and it's great). Most importantly, it's going to have some nice big pockets!!

🌿 What tips would you give a beginner? What is something you wish you had know when you started?

I have two big tips. 1) Take care of your wrists!! Beading and sewing can both be really hard on your wrists so it's important to take care of them. Do some wrist stretches, work on your wrist strength and grip strength, try to remember to take breaks, and if your wrist starts hurting - stop working!! Some beaders like to use a soft wrist brace for extra support while beading, and if your wrists tire easily, that might be something you want to try too!

2) Your work doesn't need to be perfect!! Especially as a beginner, it's hard to get tension right when sewing or beading, and it's also hard to get the spacing between beads/stitches right. The first couple pieces will look funny, and your lines will be wonky, but that's okay! You took your own two hands, and you made something, and that's beautiful. No matter how "aesthetic" your creation turns out, you still made it, you still learnt from it, you did an activity that people have been doing for thousands of years and that's so cool. So, don't be hard on yourself if your seam is crooked or there's a weird gap between your beads, your ancestor a hundred years ago also had a crooked seam and a weird bead gap. You're human and you're learning - it's not going to be perfect and all those imperfections are part of what make your work so magical~ don't let the fear of imperfection prevent you from finding a craft/hobby you enjoy

🍉 Are you a planner, or are you more of a "eh, we'll see how this one goes" -type of crafter?

In general, I'm a "we'll see how this one goes" type crafter. I'm very much driven by the wants and desires of the bees buzzing in my brain, so my crafting tends to be more impulsive than planned out 😅 the most planning I usually do is drawing out a template to follow while I'm doing flat-stitch beading because I cannot do anything more complex than a circle without giving myself some guidance, but the colour choices and bead placement are usually made on the spot, in the moment. The most planning I've done is attempted to figure out how much fabric I need for a specific sewing project before buying the fabric (it was all based on a guess. a good guess luckily, but not an educated one. I am a chaotic crafter and it does stress me out sometimes but also it's fun to be a crafting gremlin) Oh! I did make a paper mock-up one time because I could not figure out how to fold and cut the fabric and needed to use something to practice. Maybe that's actually the most planning I've done 😅

Send me a crafting ask!

[monstermp3]

hi!!! i just wna say thank you soooo much for all your messages ahhh i’m doing better today so that’s great! i’ll get to replying to the messages soon; just wanted to pop by briefly to let you guys know that i’m doing fine!!! and that i’m so so so so grateful for all the love... just thank you angels for putting aside a little bit of your time just to let me know that you’re here to listen. it meant the entire world to me and i got SO MUCH comfort from reading them. thank u 💖💖

[wonderteez233]

Chapter #1:The big leagues

Warning: talks of violence, some cursing, tell me if I left anything out, please

Ps.Please do not copy my work, the writing is mine ALL mine, any pictures, names, ect, do not belong to me

words:1690

Y/N POV:

My arms crossed and a serious look on my face, analyzing the way they fought

I could hear everyone around me screaming, cheering, like this was something that supposed to be exiting

I never understood, why there was so many people that practiced fighting, knowing the reason why we have to fight at all is because the rich people, that have the power to make us all be able to live like we all rightfully deserve, well some of us deserve, make us fight for little pieces of bread or maybe $5  that w are supposed to make stretch for a week with our entire family, if some people even bother to give some to their families. We know how people are, people are selfish

Instead of using our fire power against the ones that have put us in the hard situations we have to go through, we decide no, why don't we fight each other, we literally do this for a living, while the privileged lounger around in their castles, and have hissy fits about losing their diamond earring's

we're not even supposed to be here, we could all get in trouble for this, but yet were all still here, fighting tooth and nail with each other, trying to survive

surviving

not living, which is what we were put on this earth for, but surviving, having to be beaten black and blue, just put food on the table, if your weak then you go home with absolutely nothing, probably less than what you came here with

I watched as the bigger guy was absolutely embarrassing the smaller, scrawnier looking dude

I don't think you should judge who is gonna win a fight, based on who looks bigger

I've beaten multiple people that were over 60 pound bigger than me, people 2, 3 feet bigger than me

I have beaten so many people that have had so many different advantages over me

I guess you can say I'm apart of the big leages

but I knew better than that, some of the people that are known for being strong and beating records of the most fights won, got cocky, to cocky, there ego got the best of them, and eventually they ruined it for themselves, and it is a forever cycle

I knew to keep myself humble, and to try and keep a low profile, come out and fight when I needed the money, and go back into hiding in the small house with my family

But I'm getting tired of hiding, the stress in my parent's voices when they leave work, just to know that the 6 oldest of the family were either high, drunk, or out partying with friends

speaking of my family, I have 13 siblings, 14 of us in total, I am the middle child, the 7th child

being that my older sibling are out partying, or too drunk to function at home, I'm the one put in charge of the rest of the kids

the other half of us, the younger ones are ages 1-15, the 15-year-old usually being the one to help me take care of the rest

thinking of my family, I probably should be getting back home before everybody starts waking up, especially my parents, they don't know I even fight for money

They think money just appears on their dresser out of nowhere, or that they misplaced it, and I want to keep it that way

As I was finally coming out of my thoughts, I heard gunshots, screaming

I looked around to see what was happening

and sure, enough I could see the police all around us, grabbing people, tazing them, guns pointed to the ceiling, threatening to shoot us with them

They had found us

The police had come and found us, I knew they would at some point tonight, they usually do,I wasn't worried though, I've been in to many of these situations to be worried 

instead of running an trying to get out of the building like everybody else, and going through an emergency exit the planners of this fight had told us to go to if this happened. I had scoped out a few windows to break out of

Before I did anything, I looked around to see where all the police were, and of course they were surrounding every corner of the building, no less than 10 in each corner. The entrances and exits would obviously have the most officers in front of them. This is why I usually wear all black clothing, so they can't identify me doesn't matter is it's a small or big crowd, or in a situation wear there is a big crowd but also a lot of officers

Unlucky for me, the windows were just a little ways away from one of exits of the building

I was walking towards the windows making sure to keep my hood down, making sure they can't see any part of my face

Just when I was about to finally pass the police that were in front of the windows, I saw a small girl that was trying to get away from them, she looked younger than me, maybe around my 15 ear old sisters age

Y/N-oh fuck(I mutter)

I tried to get my sister out of my mind, because I knew for a fact that if she reminded me of my sister I wouldn't be able to go back to my sister until I got the girl

I kept glancing at her and I could tell she was crying and screaming for someone specific

I looked around in the direction of were she was yelling and reaching for, while I was moving slower than I was before trying to get a good view, but not be caught in the crowd or by the police.

I saw male looking at her, trying to fight trough the crowd with a pained look on his face.I could't see him well with everybody in the way, but I could definitely see the pain in his eyes while crying her name out.

The more I looked at him, the more I recognize that he was one of the many fighters that fought tonight.Now that I examined a bit further I could see a few scars on his face. Only a few though, and if I remember correctly he was one of the better fighters

??-LAURA!!

Out of all the yells and screams for help in the room, I could hear his scream the clearest

I had stopped moving at this point, getting pushed around by people trying to get away

I kept looking back in between him and the girl, imagining me and my sister in this situation. I knew I would want someone to make sure she would get saved, as long as she didn't go with the police

I pulled my mask up onto my nose and mouth from my chin,that's when I decided I was going to risk it

I started moving towards them fast, and once I was there, I knew there was no going back

The first thing I thought to do was punch the one that was holding the girls arms behind her back, good thing I kept my rings on. There was so many of them that could easily stop trying with the person they were trying to get and put there attention on me, and that was exactly what they did

I could see one from the corner of my eye,trying to grab me, I elbowed him in face and than kicked another one

At this point I refuse to leave the girl and leave out of here without leaving a little bit of damage on these guys

I don't even have time to think of my next move anymore, there are so many punches and kicks coming at me at once, that I'm just doing whatever move my body is telling me it wants to do

Finally, after a few minute of fighting and trying to get the police to let go of the girl,I was able to get her free, I could still here the  guy that was calling out for her voice in the back of my head

I grab onto her arm and put her in front of me so know no else is able to grab her, and rush to get as far as I can from the police

I could hear and feel her struggling

Laura: LET ME GO(she kept scratching me, and hitting me)

Y/N: l-LISTEN TO ME

 I grabbed her arms harshly, trying to get her to stop.I kept looking behind us to make sure the police got distracted by some of the others

I knelt down on the floor to make it harder for everyone else to see us, and brought Laura down with me

Y/N: You HAVE to stop and listen to me...(I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me)we don't have time, I'm going to help me, you just have to trust me

I waited on a response from her, and after a while I saw a little nod from her

I reached into my pant pocket quickly and pulled out my knife

Y/N: you are going take this and follow me, let me do the fighting and talking if we have to, and if we get split up, you run okay?

She just stood there, staring at me, with a horrified look on her face

Y/N: you have to cooperate and communicate with me, so we both don't die...so I asked you, do I make myself clear (I said harshly)

Laura: yes mam

Y/N: lets go

I came up and pulled Laura with me. I looked behind me and could see the police looking around for someone, most likely me

I pulled us both forward and kept looking back to make sure we were good, and we finally made it to the windows

Y/N: get on by back, hurry up

She jumped onto my back and I stood all the way straight so she could reach the window

Y/N: climb on my shoulder and, climb out of the window

Laura: b-but what if it's to high

Y/N: Laura you have to, jumping is better than dying, and I doubt that even if it is high that you would get hurt that badly

She used all of her strength to pull herself the rest of the way and was out the window

I made sure she was all the way up and stood back up. I looked back behind me only to see the same police that I was fighting before and a few more, rushing towards me with angered looks on their face

Author Note:

How do y'all feel about this first chapter

I was really in the zone when I was writing this, and I like how it turned out, but I want to see how you guys feel about it

I feel like there is a lot of ways I could go with this story and I already have a few noted for the next chapter

Who was the guy that was calling out Laura's name

If you read the character introductions you probably already know

Anyways,I will leave this here

Tell me any suggestions you have for me, I would love to look through them and possibly add them into this story or future story's I may write

Feel free to put any criticism about my writing in the comments, or just comments something I like talking to people, and really makes me feel good knowing people enjoy things I create

THANK YOU ALL FOR READINGGG!!!

Fight of survival masterlist-

[sisterssafespace]

Salam alaykum sister(s),

First : thank you for setting up this safe place. may Allah reward you for it.

I would like to ask you for advice on how to not become too attached when getting to know someone as a potential spouse.

When I was younger, I was good at keeping a distance. I dealt with the whole "getting to know step" in a businesslike manner and a very detached attitude. But years went by and somehow it never worked out and I remained unmarried. I thought maybe it was because I was too detached and relaxed about the process, not caring so much.

So I decided to be more approchable and a little less guarded. But as you can guess, disaster struck as I got deeply attached to someone who was not serious about it. It wasn't a relationship but a very long winded "getting to know" in which I thought he was getting ready to take the next step but it turned out he was just keeping me around because he felt lonely. And I kept it up because I was attached to him. It's over now alhamdulillah.

Now, I've been introduced to someone else and I'm scared I'll get attached. I'm hoping and praying this person is genuine and will be serious about this.

It was easier to remain emotionally detached when I was younger : If it didn't work out, I'd still have years left but it's getting later and later to start a family ( maybe I'm your age or older than you). Now, in spite of a healthy relationship with God, supportive family and friends : I do feel very lonely and tired with all this. This loneliness makes vulnerable. And I'm scared I'll get my hopes up and get attached and get hurt again.

How do I remain genuine, warm, approchable but avoid attachement?

Please make dua for me to get married. I don't want to complain and I want to trust God... I just don't want to make the same mistakes again.

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear,

I hope you are at much better place now since you sent this ask, and apologies for the late reply as I was a bit busy outside of tumblr, but kheir in shaa Allah.

I think what you are describing applies to your life approach in general and not necessarily when it comes to potential spouses and marriage, because we all have different attachment styles, and often they get affected by our mental health, our experiences and our traumas.. so it makes total sense that you've become more wary and reserved after your heart got broken the last time. That's a natural defense mechanism.

My idea though is that if you can change your perspective on the " meeting/ getting to know someone " process, it could help. Instead of focusing on how much attachement you should let out toward the guy, I recommend you get more attached to Allah swt because that's the only attachment that won't let you hurt and broken at the end. If you use every atom of love and care that you have in your heart to love Allah swt, the planner, the Creator, the provider, and trust that He swt will give you the right guy for you at the right time for you, then you will find it easy to act around the potential spouse. Allah swt won't let you down, He will make ways for you to be comfortable or uncomfortable if the guy is not your naseeb or rizq. Do not spend your energy worrying about how to act around the guy and how to present yourself during the " getting to know them" period, rather focus your energy on making duaa that Allah swt guide you and ease your affairs. The closer you are to Allah swt the more you will be filled with peace and confidence, which will be radiating in your manners and your interactions with people around you.

And do not forget to make the duaa of Musa (as):

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أ��نْزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

`My Lord! I stand in need of whatever good You may bestow on me.'

May Allah swt bless your journey and fill your heart with patience and contentment my dear, ameen.

May Allah swt grant the girls of this ummah the pious husband that would fear Allah swt and take good care of them, ameen.

- A. Z. 🍃

[deathbyotpin123]

I'm tired

I probably shouldn't be writing this. Idk, I need to rant into the void or some shit. Past 5 years, have been utter shit. And every time I feel like "this is the moment I get to slow down and relax" another shitty thing happens and I'm back in the survival mode.

(There's like... a lot of swearing below the cut. I'm sorry. I'm tired.)

I honestly thought, after getting diagnosed with the thyroid issues recently, and after all I went through in the past 5 years, that maybe I can rest now and just draw my comic in peace. Go to work. Get my shitty paycheck from my asshole boss... But no.

My boss has to go and start this whole talk about how he might transfer us to be freelancers. Then two days later, he starts this talk how he might pay us by some kind of provision. Then in the end goes "well actually, you know we're not gonna do any of that, I'm just going to start holding people accountable for their work quality and following deadlines". Which? My dude, bravo, took you years to figure out it's how every god damn fucking company is supposed to work. But whatever. The thing is, now I'm worried sick I might need to find another job. I'm not mentally equipped for another job. I don't want another job. But the asshole owes me 2 paychecks. 2 fucking paychecks. And I did my job on time. I completed all of my tasks. He owes only 1 paycheck to the other fuckers who got us into this mess. Fuck you very much, you fucking asshole.

I don't want a new job where I gotta go and be all smiles and fun times. I just want peace. I want to draw shit and get paid for that. Only I don't know how to even try to reach people to sell my art to. Social media is turning into a steaming pile of shit where I guess I bored my followers to death. I get barely any comments. I get barely any prompts. Like, I'm standing there on IG, waiving free art at people and not one person wants it. Am I to expect they would pay for it?

I'm tired of trying to promote my comic. I was hoping to stop trying to promote shit and just relax for a month. But thanks to my fucking boss, that's not a fucking option. No, I gotta go to Tapas forum with 3794234798 fucking topics that are all "just updated? post here!" or "sub 4 sub". Fuck your sub for sub. How the fuck is a sub 4 sub supposed to help me when you're not gonna fucking read it?

How?

(And I'm not even gonna go into the whole thing of how fucking tired I am that I can't draw NSFW stuff anywhere. God forbid we show a boob or a bare ass online...)

I am barely hanging on at this point.

I don't know how the fuck I haven't lost my mind completely. Like, hey, at least the therapy for the thyroid is keeping the panic attacks away for now, I guess.

But honestly?

I want to burn everything. Close all social media accounts. And just... disappear. Just fucking disappear from all of that draining, mother fucking bullshit. Because people no longer know how to interact with each other. Because I get fucking memes from my best friend. The bitch is taking 20 pills for her health every day and I didn't even know that because all she does is send me memes.

That's what 19 fucking years of friendship has come down to. Every 3 days we send each other a meme. Twice a year we might hang out. Ooooh.

Other friends? "I don't know her." One moved away. Another constantly works. Third one got a kid. Forth one pulls out a planner when you ask him to meet with us... A planner. Sir, you don't even have a job.

I saw a person from a different fucking continent more times last year, during fucking COVID, than I saw my friends.

What is my life even anymore at this point?