#i’ve seen all of glee and if you asked me what happened in season 4

[decent0distraction]

I often forget that season 3 and a lot of season 4 of Glee exists

And when I am reminded, I am …disturbed

Also Run Joey Run. I love it, I do, but also. Traumatizing. As is most of Glee.

[theresthesnitch]

Crooked

A/N: another entry for @harryandginuary BINGO. I had a lot of fun with this one. I hope you do too.

Did you know that Charlie Chaplin once came in third in a look alike contest?

Read it here on AO3.

Prompt: O 73. You've dared me to do this as a joke but there's no way I'm backing out now.

***

"You don't have to do it."

Harry scoffed. "Of course I do.

"Listen, mate," Ron said. "I realize I'm the one who dared you to do it, but you don't have to actually enter the Harry Potter look alike contest."

"You may have meant it as a joke, but I'm committed now. I'm going to do it."

They stood in line at the registration table, and Harry looked around the room. The costumes were really bad. Did people think he really dressed like that? Looked like that?

The person in front of him moved, and Harry stepped up to the table with a nervous smile. "One entry, please."

"You can't charm your eyes green."

Harry, confused, replied, "I didn't?"

The witch sitting at the registration table narrowed her eyes at him. "It's against the rules of the contest. You can charm the scar; you can't charm the eyes."

"Solid rule. Good catching this one," Ron said from just over his left shoulder.

She pointed her wand at Harry's face, and his hand twitched for his wand before she said, "finite incantatum." Harry stood there staring at her, eyes unchanged. "Fine, whatever, it's not the right color anyway, so it won't help you."

Harry wondered briefly if Ron was going to die of laughter. "Er, right. Okay. Can I enter now?"

The witch rolled her eyes. "Name?"

"Harry Potter."

The witch fixed him with such a glare that he was sure he was going to implode under it. Ron, meanwhile, was struggling to breath.

"Obviously, buddy. But I need your real name to register for the contest."

Harry blanked. "But, my name really… James. James Evans."

"Alright, James. You're going to be number 4. When the time comes, they'll call you on stage."

"Right, thanks."

Harry walked away with Ron wiping tears from under his eyes. "Merlin, I'm glad you did this. It's going to be so fun for me."

Harry smiled. "I've never been so anonymous in my life. No one's even looking at me!"

"Of course not, mate. You don't even look like Harry Potter."

"Yeah, apparently I got the eyes wrong."

Ron looked around the room that was slowly filling up. "I can't believe you let my sister judge this."

"First off, if you think I let Ginny do anything, you are very much mistaken about how our relationship works. And never let Ginny hear you say that I let her do something. Second," Harry shrugged a shoulder, "it's for charity."

"Alright, I guess that's-"

"Your scar is crooked."

Harry turned around to face a slightly short, wiry man wearing a number 6 with blond hair and the most elaborate lightning scar he had ever seen. Do these people even know what I look like? "Excuse me?"

"Your scar is crooked," not-Harry 6 said. "You messed up the charm, and it's not even straight. Sloppy work."

"Huh," Ron said, looking Harry straight on, "your scar is a bit crooked."

Harry chuckled before turning back to not-Harry 6. "Thanks, mate. Good looking out."

"You can't really expect to compete if you don't put in the effort. Better luck next time." Not-Harry 6 walked away and left Harry standing with his mouth hanging open and Ron, once again, dying of laughter next to him.

"Ron, I think I might lose the Harry look-alike contest."

"Harry, your fiancée is judging." Ron clapped Harry on the shoulder. "You're absolutely going to lose the look alike contest."

"Welcome, everyone, to this year's War Orphan Carnival. We're ready to start our Harry Potter Look-Alike Contest. Can I get all the contestants on the stage?"

Harry walked on stage with a handful of other contestants, and lined up next to a witch with a number 3 around her neck. Harry did a double take looking at her. She looked remarkably like him. He looked out to where Ron was standing in the crowd with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He raised an eyebrow in question. It has to be charms, right? Ron shrugged in response.

"Now everyone, we have a very special guest judge for our contest this year," the announcer said. "If anyone can tell us who the true Harry Potter look alike is, it would be her. Let's give a big round of applause for Ginny Weasley!"

Ginny walked on stage and immediately locked eyes with Harry. He shrugged a shoulder, and her eyes glimmered with mischief. She walked to the microphone, said a few words, and then was walking down the line of contestants. She chatted briefly with not-Harry 1, who was a tall wizard wearing Gryffindor robes, and not-Harry 2, who wore red and gold Quidditch robes and carried a broomstick.

Ginny stopped in front of not-Harry 3 and looked her up and down. She looked over at Harry with wide eyes, then back to not-Harry 3. “That’s a really impressive costume. Did you use charms?”

“No,” said not-Harry 3. “I’m Harry Potter.”

“Right, of course,” said Ginny. “It’s very good. Is that your natural hair?”

“Yes.” Not-Harry 3 was not very talkative.

“Great!” Ginny seemed a little lost now. “Well, good luck!”

Ginny stopped in front of Harry and looked him up and down. “Tell me about your Harry costume.”

Harry smiled. “Apparently I got the green eyes wrong and the scar is crooked.”

“Idiot.” Not-Harry 6 was apparently listening in. “You don’t tell the judge how you messed up the costume. Amateur.”

Ginny looked up to Harry’s forehead. “Huh, it is crooked.”

“Told you,” mumbled not-Harry 6.

“Maybe I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself,” Ginny said with a coy smile.

“Oh?” Harry asked. “What do I have to do?”

“Just answer a few trivia questions.”

“Were we supposed to memorize Harry Potter trivia for this?” asked not-Harry 2 to not-Harry 1. “I don’t remember seeing that in the rules.”

“Anyone can do Harry trivia,” Ginny went on, poorly concealed glee on her face. “I’m going to ask you Ginny trivia - things only the REAL Harry would know.”

“Alright,” Harry said. “Give me your best Ginny trivia.”

“Favorite color?”

“She’ll tell you it’s blue, but it’s really green. Green like a fresh-pickled toad.”

Ginny shook her head. “Favorite food?”

“French toast, but only if it is served with powdered sugar and not syrup.”

“Favorite number?”

“Seven.”

“Favorite season?”

“Autumn.”

“Favorite flower?”

Harry froze and his jaw dropped. Did she have a favorite flower?

“I - uh - Gerbera daisies?”

“What, no. That’s Hermione’s favorite flower.”

“It is?” said Ron’s voice from the audience. An echo of laughter went around the crowd.

“It is,” Ginny said over her shoulder. “One more chance. My fiance would absolutely know my favorite flower.”

Harry racked his brain, but he couldn’t think of a single other flower. “Lily?”

Ginny snorted. “No. Daffodils. Nice try, but you are clearly not a very good Harry Potter.” She winked, and moved down the line to not-Harry 5.

Not-Harry 5 was a little child who barely came up to Harry’s waist. His hair was rumpled, and he wore black robes with a stuffed white snowy owl on his shoulder. Ginny squatted in front of him. “Hi, sweetie. What’s your name?”

“Connor.”

“Hi Connor. I like your owl.”

“Thanks. I have a wand, too.” He held up a stick that had tape and glue around the end for a handle.

“Where did you get that wand, Connor?”

“I made it,” he said. “See, I put glue and tape, and it goes swish swish.” He waved the wand around.

“It’s very good. I was afraid I was going to have to tell Harry you had his wand. It looks so much like his!”

“Thank you. Mummy drew a scar on my forehead too. See.” He pointed at his head.

“I see. Your scar is not crooked, Connor.” he nodded his head. “Connor, do you know what Harry Potter’s favorite spell is?”

“Expelli-arms!” Connor waved his wand around when he said it, and Harry’s heart melted.

“Very good! You’re a very convincing Harry.”

“Thank you. He’s my favorite.”

“He’s my favorite, too. I’ll see you later, okay Connor?”

“Bye, Ginny.”

Ginny stood up and moved down to not-Harry 6, who was now sporting a black Harry wig. Not-Harry 6 regaled Ginny with an explanation of how his clothing choice was authentic and how he had done extensive research into the kinds of clothing that was preferred by Harry when he was at Hogwarts. Harry rolled his eyes and hoped no one was taking notes on this.

At last, Ginny walked back up to the podium. “Ready to make your choices?” the announcer asked.

“I am.” Ginny conferred briefly with the announcer, then stood to the side

“In third place, Number 6!” Not-Harry 6 walked forward to accept his medal, and returned to his spot. Harry could hear him grumbling slightly.

“Second place, Number 3!” Not-Harry 3 accepted her award quietly to a smattering of applause from the crowd.

"And finally, our grand winner in our Harry Potter Look-Alike Contest is, drumroll please," The announcer paused everyone in the room drummed their hands on their legs, "Number 5!”

Connor lit up like it was the best day of his life, and walked forward to grab his trophy. He tripped over the edge of his robes a bit, causing not-Hedwig to wobble on his shoulder, and then stood next to Ginny.

“Congratulations, Connor.”

“Thank you, Ginny.”

“Connor, would you like to meet the real Harry Potter?”

Connor’s eyes were as big as saucers, and he nodded emphatically. Ginny turned back to the announcer. “Roger, I happen to know that Harry is here today, and I think I can convince him to come up and say hi.”

The announcer’s face lit up. “Oh, ho ho! A special treat indeed. Mr. Potter, are you here today?”

The crowd went absolutely silent, and Harry waited for a beat before walking forward.

“Not you, you wanker,” not-Harry 6 said. “Get back in line!”

Harry continued forward, and shot a wink over his shoulder. He walked straight up to Ginny, dipped her dramatically and pressed a kiss to her lips. The crowd went wild. He set her upright before breaking the kiss and heard, “Oh merlin. I just called Harry Potter a wanker,” from somewhere over his shoulder.

Harry knelt in front of Connor, who looked like he couldn’t believe what was happening in front of him. “Hi Connor. Congratulations on winning.”

“Thank you, Mr. Potter.” His voice came out at barely a whisper.

“Can you call me Harry, Connor?”

“Yes.” Still a whisper.

“You know, you get to go home and tell all your friends that you beat Harry Potter in a Harry Potter look-alike contest.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Harry parroted. “I like your Hedwig.”

“Thank you.” Connor’s voice was a bit louder now. “You’re my hero.”

“Want to know a secret, Connor?” He nodded emphatically. “You are my hero.” An “awww” went up from the audience. Connor’s face lit up and he threw his arms around Harry in a hug. “I bet your mom is here. Do you want to take a picture with Ginny and I?” He nodded again.

A few minutes later, they finished a round of pictures with Connor’s mom, and a few more for the Prophet with all three winners.

“Thank you, everyone,” Roger the announcer said. “Congratulations to our winners, and let’s hear a round of applause for Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley!” The crowd roared, and Harry and Ginny made to leave the stage when they heard a gasp.

“Oh my merlin. I told Harry Potter that his scar was crooked!”

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. 

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant. 

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry. 

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode. 

 3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified. 

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief. 

3:30 - OMG.  “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it. 

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT. 

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true. 

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot. 

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit.  hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining. 

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great). 

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius.  I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed. 

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition. 

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little. 

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining. 

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa. 

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3 

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha 

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3 

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general. 

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect. 

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk. 

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating. 

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it. 

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial. 

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!? 

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3 

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm. 

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season? 

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between. 

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder). 

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues. 

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.”  Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often. 

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore.  DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT. 

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here. 

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might. 

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay. 

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason. 

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :( 

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode. 

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers. 

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil. 

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this. 

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL. 

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality. 

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame. 

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast. 

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured.  Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him.  <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis. 

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people. 

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card. 

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour. 

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day. 

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence. 

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting. 

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back. 

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood. 

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :( 

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here. 

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son). 

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons. 

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator. 

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3 

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT. 

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die. 

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING. 

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her. 

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all. 

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it. 

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :( 

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene. 

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape. 

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds. 

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3 

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect. 

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie. 

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?! 

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces. 

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral. 

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth. 

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us. 

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity. 

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out. 

[mithrilwren]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing, which as of this week is actually accurate, since I’m finally writing again! (or, more specifically, editing what I wrote two months ago so I can get back to writing.)

Tagged by @essektheylyss! Thank you, this is exactly the kind of activity my brain needed tonight.

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

72! I was hovering at 69 for quite a while, sad to break the streak haha

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~550K, which is somehow both more and less than what I expected

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Many, lmao. According to my Ao3 (omitting any blanket tags) I’ve got 22 there, plus at least two more over on ff.net from back in the day, and probably a couple more just on Tumblr. Most of them I’ve only written one fic for, though. I think the only fandoms where I’ve written more than one are Critical Role (35), Supernatural (15), Haikyuu!! (3), The Exorcist (2), Dimension 20 (2), and Yu-Gi-Oh! (2)

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Pick a Number, Any Number

Surprisingly, my number one is NOT a Critical Role fic, nor is it even one of my longer multi-chapters! It’s actually a one-shot I wrote for Haikyuu!! back in the day that took off far beyond what I expected. I wrote it for DaiSuga week, which was a ship I (to be completely honest) wasn’t even terribly invested in, but I had a fun idea and people seemed to like it! (It’s also much fluffier than what I usually write, which might be part of its broader appeal ;))

A Winter’s Ball

Unsurprisingly, the next four are all CR ;). This one was a M9 x VM crossover that I primarily wrote between the hours of 3-8am over the course of two insomnia-wracked nights and honestly, I think it shows in its uncharacteristically unstructured format (compared to my typical style, which tends to favour shorter scenes with very intentionally-placed breaks between, as opposed to scenes that flow into each other without pause). That’s not to say I think it’s a bad thing! The story, which follows Beau as she drifts through a party in Whitestone and observes the interactions between the various guests, actually flows better without that kind of interruption. This was also my first Beaujester piece. I started writing it right before Beau’s confession aired, and published it the week after, which definitely pushed me to make what had been only subtextual in the first half of my draft into the emotional lynchpin of the story.

Only the Nightingale Sings

I’m really glad this one still ranks as high as it does, because this story is absolutely my pride and joy. At one time (though I’m not sure that’s true anymore) it was the longest gen fic in the fandom, which is pretty cool! Plot-heavy, twist-heavy, angst-heavy, with seven points of view to follow and multiple interwoven storylines, it was a beast of a thing to write, and took almost exactly a year to finish, but the long process was oh-so worth it. Literally nothing makes me happier today than seeing a new comment or kudos on this story.

Closer Still

One of my earliest shadowgast fics, this one asks the question “how can you make the ‘stuck in an elevator trope’ fantasy?” The answer is, as always, demiplanes. This fic, perhaps more than any of my other shadowgast fics, is interesting to revisit, because it was written before the ep 97 reveal, but literally everything Essek does in it would suggest otherwise. It reads like I already knew he was a spy working with Trent, and yet I was firmly in the “Essek is NOT the spy” camp at the time. Gotta chalk that up to Matt telegraphing his growing guilt into the preceding episodes - even if I couldn’t see it, it was clearly there.

your dust from mine

My other novel-length CR multichapter, this fic brought me so much joy in the otherwise bleak summer of 2020. Most of my best memories of those four months come from working on this story. A Fjorclay adaption of The Goose Girl (my favourite fairytale) this story is about healing, growth, and figuring out what happiness means to you. While I know most people don’t read stories for this pairing anymore, for obvious reasons, I still cherish your dust from mine for how much of my heart I poured into it, and I look back on it with a huge amount of fondness.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do my absolute best to respond to every comment someone leaves on a story of mine, even if it occasionally takes a month or two. Replying to comments is one of my favourite parts of the fic-writing process - it gives me a chance to revisit peoples’ kind words and (often, incredibly insightful) observations, and I hope it also shows how appreciative I am of each and every one. 

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Though I write a lot of angst, I honestly tend more towards bittersweet endings than straight-up sadness. The only one I can really think of is What You Own - mind the tags if you follow the link, this is definitely one of the gnarlier things I’ve written for CR - whose ending is, admittedly, bleak. But this story so far removed from canon that I don’t think it’s the kind of angsty ending that lingers with you, as much as it packs a punch and then lets you go on your way.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I tend to enjoy thinking about crossovers moreso than actually writing them. I’ve brainstormed a few, but none have ever made it much farther than the first page.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times! Not often, thankfully. Only one time in particular really sticks out to me, mostly for how it rocked my confidence in a way that I don’t think any comment could now, since I’ve had a few more years to build up faith in my own writing.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Very, very occasionally.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not! 

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh man, back in the Glee days... yeah. Yeah, I have. Nothing that ever got published, though ;)

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

Not sure I have one! Ships come and go with the seasons, and sometimes they’re best left in the era you found them.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The Shadowgast figure skating AU. It’s never going to happen, but I wish it had.

15) What are your writing strengths?

I would say probably structure, in terms of constructing narrative arcs and through-lines. I’m organized with my writing in a way that I am in few other areas of my life, haha. I’d also say my sense of place - I think I’m pretty good at constructing living, breathing settings and exploring how my characters interact affect/are affected by them.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to be wordy (which you might surmise from the length of this post, lol) and repeat myself, usually by going over emotional beats that don’t need the extra reinforcement. On the other hand, I tend to underexplain certain elements (particularly, important plot details in fic, and character motivation in original writing), which can lead to confusion.

A couple years ago I would have said dialogue, but I’ve put a lot of practice into it and I honestly think I’ve improved a lot, which is pretty cool!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never done it myself, and it’s not generally my favourite thing to read (like @essektheylyss said, it makes me hyper-aware that I’m reading words on a page, especially if I have to follow a footnote somewhere). That said, I’ve definitely also seen it used effectively, so I think it’s more down to whether it suits the particular story!

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh!

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

As mentioned above, Only the Nightingale Sings.

[scapegrace74-blog]

Don’t Call It Love

A/N  With Saorsa done and dusted, it’s time to return to the Metric Universe.  When we last left Jamie and Claire in October 2017, they were sharing comforting silence and attending a Depeche Mode concert together.  Will things fall easily into place now that they have tripped over the line from being roommates to being friends?   Oh, hell no.  What would be the fun in that? 

All other parts of the Metric Universe are available on my AO3 page.

The song by Zero 7 (another guest artist!) that inspired the title is here.

Winter, 2017 - London, England

It happened by accident.  Happenstance.  Serendipity.   Fate.  The words she used to explain the fact that she and Jamie started seeing each other outside of the flat in social circumstances that would typically be characterized as dates varied, but her opinion remained fixed.  They weren’t dates.  Jamie was her roommate, a good friend, a fellow enthusiast of the culturally obscure, and a brilliant pub trivia partner.  They had both agreed that a romantic relationship between them would be disastrous; ergo, there was nothing romantic about their increasingly frequent outings.  If she could memorize the names for the 206 bones in the human skeleton, she could certainly manage to keep her feelings for Jamie inside the tidy box she had built for them.

Non-Date #1

They crossed paths inside the massive Spittalfields Market, both of them with shoulders damp from the chilly November rain.  Jamie was on his way to the fishmonger, while Claire carried a cloth bag filled with late-season vegetables, determined to eat something other than take-out on a rare day off from lectures and the hospital.

“Are ye on yer way back tae the flat, then?” Jamie asked, physically fighting the urge to offer to carry Claire’s wee sack.

“No, I’m off to the charnel house first.”

“The what, now?”  Surely he’d misheard her.

“The charnel house.  Don’t tell me you’ve been living over top of a medieval burial ground all this time without realizing it?” Claire teased.

Intrigued as much by her beguiling smirk as the opportunity to explore a bit of London’s history, Jamie followed Claire to a commercial highrise near the edge of the market.  Descending a non-descript stairwell in Bishop’s Square, they came to a halt in front of a glass wall.  On the other side was an excavated ruin, the crypt of the long-vanished chapel of St. Mary’s Spital hospital, a quick scan of a nearby information plaque informed him.

“They only discovered it was here when construction of the office tower began,” Claire said, a wistful look on her face.  “For centuries, travelers and the victims of London’s many plagues were buried around the hospital, quite literally in the Spital fields.  When the graves overflowed, they brought the excess bones here and stacked them for safe-keeping until the Apocalypse.  Imagine, forgetting something so...fundamental.”

Jamie grunted in acknowledgement, seeing the reflection of Claire’s face superimposed on the glass.  He couldn’t decide if this human tendency towards forgetfulness pleased or disappointed her.

“Tis rather...”

“Macabre?” she suggested with a grin, turning away from the display and climbing back into the cloud-roofed square.

“I was gonna say morbid, but as ye like.”

“We build our present on the bones of our past, my Uncle Lamb used to tell me.  He was referring to archaeology, but I’ve found it to be true of life itself.”

They walked back to the flat, collars raised against the hastening rain.  Jamie had bought enough hake for two, so they shared the narrow worktop, dicing fresh vegetables and letting their shoulders bump together occasionally.

Claire ate at the two-person dining table while scrolling social media on her phone.  Jamie used the coffee table to hold his plate and the gaming magazine he was flipping through.

It wasn’t a date.

Non-Date #4

Her cellphone rang as she was leaving the bathroom, thoughts bouncing between her end-of-semester exams and her non-existent plans for the Christmas holidays.  She accepted the call with one hand while starting the tedious job of separating her soaking curls with the other.  At first there was only static.  She glanced at the screen, recognizing the familiar number.

“Jamie?” she tried.

“...mac na ghalla, Hamish...” followed by muffled noises and masculine jeering.  She switched hands and started to towel off, making certain first that the video call button wasn’t active.

“Hal-lo.  Paging Mr. Fraser.  You have a call on line one.”

“Ach, sorry Claire.  I didna mean tae... That is, the lads were just... How are ye?”

She giggled at his discomposure.  “I’m well, thank you.  And you?”  They had seen each other that morning, as he came off shift and she was leaving for her morning lectures, so she assumed there was more to this call than a polite inquiry into her state of well-being.  She had learned over their months as roommates that sometimes you just needed to wait for Jamie to get to his point.

“Braw, thank ye.  I was... weel, I’m at the park with some o’ the lads, tryin’ tae put t’gether a side, an’ we’re short a winger, an’ I was jus’ thinkin’, ye said ye wanted tae learn tae play an’...”

Another James Fraser quirk was that he rambled in broad Scots when he was nervous.

“Jamie, are you asking me to play rugby with you?”

“Aye.  Aye, I am.  If ye wish, o’ course.”

“I did just step out of the shower...” she mentioned, already peering outside at the threatening sky and mentally assessing her wardrobe for something suitable for a ruck and maul in the rain.  “Hello?” when there was no sound from the other end in some time.

“Aye, I’m here.  Nevermind, Claire.  I dinna consider, ye must be gettin’ ready to study fer yer finals, an’...”

“Where are you?” she interrupted, opening a drawer and pulling out a pair of yoga pants.

“Victoria Park?” Jamie replied, sounding hesitant and hopeful.

“Give me twenty minutes.”

“Splendid!”  She could hear his smile down the line.

“I better not get mud in my hair, Fraser,” she retorted before hanging up, her own smile lingering on her face.

There was nothing romantic about rugby.

Non-Date #7

The flat was strangely forlorn, even with Christmas lights twinkling merrily in the living room windows and a tiny fir tree precariously balancing its five ornaments standing in the corner.  

They had exchanged their gifts on December 23rd, sipping on hot chocolate spiked with Kahlua and grinning shyly at each other.  She’d bought Jamie the next Call of Duty game for his XBox.  Nothing intimate, just something he’d mentioned in passing he was looking forward to trying.  His boyish glee upon unwrapping the package warmed her more than her drink.   Hands shaking slightly, she delicately opened the tastefully wrapped rectangle he presented to her.  Inside was a cashmere scarf, luxuriously soft beneath her fingers as she stroked it.

“Is this?” she asked.

“Aye, tis the Fraser plaid.  Ye ken there’s no’ a clan named Bee-cham, right?”

She was deeply touched, and thanked him was a kiss against his scruffy cheek.

Jamie had left for Scotland the next day, having somehow managed to secure a week’s worth of leave from his uncle over the holiday season.   As was her wont, she’d put down for as many shifts as possible while medical school wasn’t in session, but by some fluke she wasn’t scheduled to work New Year’s Eve for the first time in recent memory.

Some of her classmates from nursing college had invited her along to a “raging party in Shoreditch”, but she’d made up some excuse.  The truth was, she wasn’t in the mood for loud music and over-priced drinks with a group of virtual strangers.  If Geillis had been in town, she would have allowed her friend to coerce her into whatever mayhem she had up her sleeve, but Geillis was still in Columbia and eight months’ pregnant with twins, to everyone’s collective shock.  Especially the mother-to-be.

No, what she really wanted was a quiet evening at home, snuggled under her favourite fleece blanket on their couch, the latest Ferrante novel in her lap and a glass of Pinot Noir at the ready.  Jamie had a turntable and a surprisingly well-curated selection of vinyl in his bedroom, but she didn’t like entering his domain without his permission.

Without giving it a second thought, she rang his cell.  It was only upon hearing the raucous sounds of a party in full swing that it occurred to her that just because she was spending New Year’s Eve alone, it didn’t mean Jamie was as well.

“Claire?” he yelled over something that sounded a lot like live music.  “Are ye all right, lass?”

“Oh!  I’m so sorry, Jamie.  I just wanted to ask... never mind.  It’s not important.  Enjoy your party...”

“Wait!” the background noise mutated, sounding like a riot underwater, and then there was a wooden slam.  Jamie huffed a sigh of relief.

“Mu dheireadh.   Are ye still there, Sassenach?”

“Still here,” she confirmed, suddenly feeling sorry for herself.  She might be the most pathetic thirty-year old in London.

“Did the hospital no’ call ye in for a shift, then?”

She tucked the blanket under her feet, warding off the chill that always seemed to creep in from the wall of windows.  The Christmas lights she’d strung reflected against the glazing in alternating colours: blue, red, green, blue, red, green.

“No. By some miracle of the festive season, I have the night off,” she joked halfheartedly.   “I’m sorry for interrupting your night out.  I wanted to ask if I could borrow your turntable and a few of your albums?”

“O’ course.  Ye didna need tae ask.  An’ I’m no’ out.  I’m at home, at Lallybroch.”  He pronounced the word with a guttural flourish that made Claire think of an exotic kind of pastry or a rare tribal custom.  Any time Jamie spoke of his family’s home in Scotland, he imbued it with an otherworldly quality, like a fortress in a fairy tale, a far away land of warriors and mist.  It was strange to think of him there now, while she sat alone in their flat.

“It sounds like quite the party.”

“Aye.  The Frasers take their Hogmanay celebrations verra seriously.  Ye shoulda come wi’ me.”  Then, as though realizing what he’d said, he added quickly, “We could use a doctor.  Dougal sprained his ankle doin’ a sword dance, and Angus singed his arse somethin’ fierce jumpin’ o’er the bonfire.”

She laughed, her mood suddenly much lighter, and asked for more particulars as to how his cousin’s naked ass came to be in close proximity to open flame.  Without either realizing it, the last minutes of 2017 crept by.

Fireworks erupted outside, followed by the tolling of bells and honking of horns.  On the other end of the call, she could hear cheering and an off-key rendition of Auld Lang Syne.  They were both silent, embarrassed to have been so caught up in their trivial conversation as to have missed the arrival of midnight.

“Happy Hogmanay, Sassenach,” Jamie’s voice came soft and sure over the line.

“Happy New Year, Jamie,” she replied.  “I should really let you get back to your party.   Your family must be wondering where you’ve disappeared to.”

He hummed noncommittally.  It occurred to her that had they been in the same place, they would likely be kissing right now.  It sent a shiver of want down her spine.

“Jamie?”  Her voice sounded thready, like she had just woken from a deep sleep.

“Hmmm?”  Shivers, again.

“What’s a Sassenach?”

He laughed softly, and she had to bite her lip.  What was the matter with her?  “Tis a Scottish word for a foreigner, particularly an English one,” he explained.

“You’ve never called me that before,” Claire remarked.

“I’ve ne’er spoken tae ye while on Scottish soil.  T’wasn’t an accurate description ‘til now.”

There was a long silence.  She could hear the sound of revelry through the door of whatever room at Lallybroch he’d hidden inside.  Outside the flat there were firecrackers.   They reminded her of mortar rounds heard from a distance in Afghanistan.

“You don’t like fireworks, do you?” she guessed.  It didn’t take an advanced degree in psychology to know that bright flashes and sudden pops of sound would trigger his PTSD.  They really were a mess, the pair of them.

“Nay.  Jenny an’ Ian’s bairns love them, an’ I told them no’ tae hold off on my account, but they insisted on a bonfire instead.  It reminds me o’ when I was a lad, a’fore ye could buy fireworks along wi’ yer ham at the local Tesco.”

Jamie launched into a long account of the significance of bonfires in Highland culture, and she let herself drift on the melody of his voice, the turntable long forgotten.

“Tell me about yer most memorable New Year’s,” he prompted after his cultural diatribe wound down.

“Oh, well, they all rather blur together, actually.  Too much drink, too much spent on the cover charge.  You know how it is.”

“Nah, I mean when ye were younger.  Ye must ‘ave celebrated in some remarkable places.”

She thought back to her time spent following Uncle Lamb around the globe.  Truth be told, traditional holidays weren’t something that stood out in her memory.  They felt like a foreign custom, a series of drawings taken from a picture book that showed a mother, father and children crowded around a loaded table while snow piled up outside.  They bore no relation to her reality.  It was no wonder Christmas and New Year’s left her feeling ambivalent.

Still, she didn’t want Jamie to feel sorry for her, so she launched into one of her favourite tales.

“One year, I must have been eleven, Lamb was leading an excavation of a Berber oasis town in northern Mali.  The site closed down for the Christian holidays, but Lamb decided to stay behind rather than travel back to England.  We ended up riding camels through these enormous sand dunes, following a local guide on an ancient caravan route.  On December 31st, just as the sun was setting and we had begun to make camp, the camel Lamb had been riding let out this infernal noise, leapt to its feet, and started to gallop away.  Lamb and the guide set off after it on foot, hollering and waving their keffiyeh in the air.  It was the funniest thing.”

“They left ye all alone in the desert?” Jamie asked, horrified.

“Oh, well, they came back eventually.  The camel had been stung by a scorpion, you see.  Once it got over the fright, they were able to catch it and bring it back to camp.”

“Were ye no’ scared, tae be out there in the dark by yerself?”

“No.  Not as I remember it.  The sunset was glorious, and little by little the sky came alive with a million stars.”

“Ye brave wee thing.”  Jamie sighed.  “I wish I was there wi’ ye.”

She didn’t know if he meant with her on that sand dune, or with her at their flat.  Either way, her answer was the same.

“I wish you were too.”

They finally hung up well past two o’clock.  It didn’t count as a date if the other person was five hundred miles away as you whispered goodnight.

Non-Date #12

The Royal London was expanding its pediatrics wing, and Claire was invited to a fundraising gala held, fittingly, in the Museum of Childhood.  The invitation included a plus one, and she’d been putting off asking Jamie if he could join her all week.  It wasn’t that she doubted his suitability as an escort.  Far from it.  But the gala was taking place on February 14th, of all nights, and the symbolism made her nervous.  Still, the alternative was spending the night being hit on by a drunken internist or hedge fund investor, and that was a headache she could do without.

“So,” she began casually a few nights before the event, “any plans for Valentine’s Day?”  If he said he was working or had, god forbid, a date, she would just have to go stag.

Jamie set down his gaming controller and turned to face her desk.  The pulsing  colours from the screen lit his curls like a neon nimbus in the dim room.

“Nah, nothin’ definite.  An’ ye, Sassenach?” he asked tentatively, as though easing himself out onto a frozen lake, unsure of the depth of the ice.  The nickname he had assigned to her during his holidays in Scotland had stuck.  She didn’t correct the inaccuracy, as she rather liked the idea of having a name that was only his.

“Well, I’ve been summoned to a fundraising gala for the hospital, and I was wondering... not that you need feel obliged... it’s black tie, which is really the height of pretension, if you ask me... anyway, there’s no way to decline gracefully short of an aneurysm, so...”

“Out wi’ it, Sassenach,” he prodded.

“Mightyouconsiderbeingmydate?” she blurted, before taking a large gulp of tepid tea.

“Yer date?” he asked as though he had never heard of such a thing.

She sighed, resigned to the fact he was going to make this difficult.  “Yes.  My date.  My plus one.  My social companion.  And hopefully, my defence against spending the evening being pitied and set up with someone’s second cousin, Nigel, the chartered accountant.”

“Do ye have somethin’ against accountants, then?”  The corner of his lip was twitching with the birth of a grin.

“Oh, very funny, you bloody Scot.  Look, I need a date on Valentine’s Day and you are the only man in the Greater London Area who won’t interpret that as an opportunity for a pity shag.   The offer is on the table.  Take it or leave it.”

Something flashed behind his eyes that she couldn’t interpret.  Then it was gone.

“Ne’er fear, Sassenach.  I’ll protect ye from all the wee Nigels.”

***

She’d forgotten to ask whether Jamie had suitable attire for a black tie event.   It was too late now, regardless.  They were meeting at the museum, since she was on shift until eight.  Using the nurses on-call room to get changed, she slinked into her burgundy chiffon gown, its gauzy layers wrapping around her like millefeuille.   Her hair was a lost cause, so she slicked it back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck and hoped for the best.  Silver chandelier earrings and a dab of cologne below her jaw, and she was ready to go.  She carried a small beaded clutch and her dress shoes - there was no way she was navigating the Tube in stilettos. 

The museum was a single massive space, conversation and the tympani of glassware echoing against its high-arched ceiling.  She stood in the entryway after checking her coat, spinning in circles and trying to get her bearings.  More than one lascivious glance was directed her way, but she studiously ignored them in favour of looking for Jamie.  With his height and red hair, he shouldn’t be hard to pick out of the crowd.

There was an appreciative murmur from behind her, a gust of fresh air, and then a soft tap against her bare shoulder.  She turned around.

No.  Not hard to pick out from a crowd at all.  Standing before her was James Fraser in full Highland regalia.  He wore his family tartan, a black velvet waistcoat, brilliant white dress shirt and a black bow tie.  When her gaze fell to the floor, she noticed his polished brogues and white socks pulled up to his knees.  She’d never before considered how a man’s knees might be alluring, but there it was.   Jamie had very sexy knees.

“G’d evening, Sassenach.  Ye look... weel, ye look bonnie.”  Jamie’s normally deep voice was gruffer than usual, perhaps on account of the cold night air.  Or maybe his bowtie was tied too tight.

“Good evening, Jamie,” she replied once she found her voice.  “You look, well, if you were a Jacobite, I’d say you looked regal.”

The tops of Jamie’s ears went red, and he ducked his chin, his tamed curls falling briefly forward.  It gave him the look of a bashful child receiving unexpected praise, completely at odds with the strikingly masculine figure he cut.

“No’ a Nigel, then?” he teased.

“No.  Definitely not a Nigel.  Come, let’s get something to drink before all the top-shelf liquor runs out.  You wouldn’t believe how much some of these doctors can put away!”

Jamie was a perfect date.  He stood by her elbow as she mingled and greeted various colleagues and professors, nodding at their tales of medical misfortune and smiling at their awkward jokes.  He spoke confidently about his work and current affairs, and patiently tolerated endless jibes about what a true Scotsman wore beneath his kilt.

When she politely excused them from one such conversation, he leaned over to whisper in her ear as they walked away to fortify themselves with more alcohol.

“I’ve a mind tae lift my plaid an’ moon the entire assembly the next time one o’ yer wee doctor friends asks about my underthings.  Are ye sure they arena raising funds for a new proctology department, Sassenach?”

She snorted in a truly unladylike fashion and turned to meet his unrepentant smirk.  Just then, a figure approaching from the bar caught her eye.

Oh no.  It couldn’t be.  After five years, she’d finally relaxed her vigilance, had ceased anticipating his presence at every turn, and now, here he was.

“Sassenach?” Jamie was watching her with concern.  The blush had drained from her cheeks, leaving her wine-stained lips and sintering eyes the only colour on her face.

“Claire!  Fancy meeting you here!”  Had his voice always been so nasal?  His eyes so glassy and vacant, like portals into nothingness.  He’d obviously been drinking heavily.  A blond woman half his age had her arm linked through his.

“Frank,” she uttered his name.  Jamie stepped into her side, his posture erect, somehow sensing that she needed his protection from this unheralded threat.

“Well, isn’t this a surprise.  I’d heard you’d gone into the army, or some such thing.  Afghanistan, was it?  Well, with your penchant for violence, I suppose that’s fitting.”

She breathed deeply through her nose.  She would not let him get the better of her.  She wasn’t that person anymore.  With a clammy hand, she grabbed onto Jamie’s fingers where they rested around her hip.  He squeezed back.  He was here.   She wasn’t alone.  It was all the strength she needed.

“Yes, that’s right.  I served overseas for a time, but I’m back in London now.  In medical school.   Now, if you’ll excuse us, we were just leaving.”

Focusing on each step, she turned towards the exit, Jamie’s hand now warm upon the small of her back.  Her chin wobbled, but she bit down hard to stave off tears.

“A doctor?” Frank taunted from behind her.  “Wouldn’t a demolition expert be more apropos, darling?”

She froze, spine trembling with anger.  Jamie made a questioning noise, asking without words if she wanted him to intervene.   She didn’t.

Glancing over her shoulder, she dealt her parting blow.

“Give my best to Amelia and the children.”  Without waiting to witness the aftermath of her pronouncement, she made her way out into the chilly night air, Jamie’s bulk a silent sentinel at her side.

It wasn’t a date if it ended on the floor of your bathroom, crying ugly sobs as mascara stained your cheeks, while your partner held your shoulders and made soothing noises with his throat.  

That wasn’t dating, that was survival.

***

mac na ghalla = son of a bitch

Mu dheireadh = finally

[skyblue-ringpops]

Hello -are you new here? Welcome if you are!

So your Deep Dive into Blaine Anderson is quite a lot to think about. It’s really mostly your head canon and not actually what happens in the show? Not canon?

When first introduced he becomes Kurt’s friend, who he has a crush on. He was subsequently called a mentor to him, but that’s not how we first see him. He’s just another teenager at this point, who Kurt falls in love with.

Most people don’t actually call Blaine whiny and clingy - only a small proportion of the fandom for a variety of reasons. Just like every character had their flaws and their critics. Most people like Blaine.

Blaine was a confident happy pupil at Dalton, and I don’t think he was putting on an act. But of course, there are other sides to him that we don’t see initially.

Yes, Blaine was assaulted at a Sadie Hawkins dance. Yes, he suggests on at least one occasion that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his dad. We don’t know for certain anything about Blaine’s relationship with his parents. But he does still mention them throughout the five seasons, indicating he lives with them, and that they were upset after Shooting Star.

Blaine attended prom with Kurt in season 2: it was hard for both of them, but they stood up to the bullies together. He also attended prom in season 3. So by Sadie Hawkins in 4, he rejects Tina’s proposal because he has a crush on Sam, not because of any apparent continued fear of school dances. Likewise, in Tina in the Sky with Diamonds, he’s happy to be there - he seems to have fact moved on from the assault trauma.

Do you think he had a close relationship with the Warblers? They were friends in 2, in fact they all looked up to him as charismatic lead singer who made the song choices. But they betrayed him in 3; in 4 Hunter and Sebastian tried to get him back to Dalton to secure a win at nationals, and then there was the drug issue. I’m inclined to think they were using him, and not genuine friends or family. He made his genuine friends, apart from Kurt, in season 4 at Mck.

Yes he was happy at Dalton, or so it seems. He wasn’t present when it burned down - he came back from his honeymoon to discover it had been burnt down. Yes he was upset, but bounced back quickly as the Warblers became part of the ND. A plot line really to insureBlaine had nothing to stay in Lima for, and could return to NY with Kurt. I don’t feel he was traumatised by it.

The wedding of course was Britannia’s wedding, and they had managed to get Blaine’s mum there, which was a nice touch. So the absence of dad and Cooper is not particularly shocking. And yes, there is part of deleted plot that the parents had divorced but a lot of plots were changed over the course of the show, so nothing can be gained from this.

I don’t agree Blaine raised himself. He dresses beautifully, he is beautifully mannered and follows etiquette. There must have been someone around to teach him these things. He never says his parents are not there, yes we don’t see them, and we can head canon a distant relationship, but it’s not certain. He calls his mum after SS, he is obviously close to her. He mentions them in Feud, and in Loser like Me. He has a sibling rivalry with Cooper - we don’t know how badly that affected Blaine: but Cooper does seem to care for him and be proud of him.

There’s no indication mum had a drink problem - yes she’s drunk at the wedding. Mmmm a lot of people get drunk at weddings. Santana and Quinn got drunk in I do - does that mean they have a drink problem? Blaine certainly doesn’t have a drink problem. In fact, he doesn’t drink a lot - we see him drunk on two occasions. We see several of the ND also drunk on occasions, but they don’t have a drink problem. In the scene with Dave, he appears to have a coke in front of him, and likely he drove. He said himself he went to the bar because he was lonely, and that’s probably the only place in Lima he would actually meet other gay people . By this stage, he was in therapy, had a job and was moving on: no suggestion he’s hanging round a bar because he’s depressed.

His relationship with Karofsky. Yes many in fandom hate it. I don’t love it. But let’s remember: they do seem to have a warm relationship, Blaine speaks fondly of him, there’s the gentle cheek kiss and eye contact when they split, which speaks volumes. Blaine looks happy to be with him. He tells him he admires him. Blaine is getting on with his life - as far as he’s concerned Kurt is in NY, they may not see each other again for a very long time. Blaine didn’t date Dave out of spite - Dave was there when he needed company, Dave had suffered himself - he was a good support to Blaine when he needed it. Why would he date him for pain and abuse, or punishment. He was in therapy, he was getting better and he was genuinely happy. Why would he feel guilty about the split - it was Kurt who called it off.

Blaine is one if the happiest, most likeable characters . He is loved by his friends and teachers - he is talented, high achieving, ambitious and kind. He’s generous, he cares for his friends, he will do anything to help his friends. He is great fun to be with. Yes, he’s insecure and suffers from loneliness which means he makes rash decisions. He’s not extremely depressed, he has periods when he is down - don’t we all?? He’s not suffering , depressed, sad individual but the opposite most of the time - fondly regarded as a ray of sunshine. If I was having a bad day, I’d want Blaine as my friend to cheer me up.

He’s not suicidal - I can’t see what you are saying re On my way - he isn’t in camera shot most of the time . He’s not rubbing his wrists or looking sad, he confidently states he wants marriage equality in 50 states - another thing that’s very important to him. Because he wants to marry. And he wants to marry Kurt. Cough Syrup is an excellent solo - at the time he sings it , no one is aware about Dave. Blaine had his own stresses that day - mostly to do with Sebastian. Kurt is the one who has been lonely, depressed and suicidal. Not Blaine.

He doesn’t have an eating disorder - we see one episode where he overeats because he is a new city. Then he feels bad because he’s put on the weight, and pulls away physically from Kurt. He’s not got an eating disorder. He enjoys sport - we see him at gym, boxing, aerobics and he dances a lot with friends.

Also, you make a big jump to assume he’s been sexually abused or assaulted. In fact, there is no indication of this at all. If that’s your head canon, that’s fine, but there’s nothing in canon that says this. Or nothing in his behaviour that says this. Plus I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick regarding Tina, and his reaction to the vapo rape and Sam teasing Tina. Watch it again, Blaine isn’t upset.

There’s a lot I could go into about his relationship with Kurt but it’s already a long ask. Please feel free to chat to me about any of these!!! I note you think Blaine and Puck would be a good friendship, but that’s a chat for another day!!!

Look forward to a pleasant discussion with you!!

I'm fairly new to the Glee fandom, it'll be one year in the summer (I think August?)

It's a mix of canon and headcanons that are heavily supported by canon, I tried to specify what is what.

Most of the people I've seen that don't like Blaine or only like him in season 2 say he's whiny and clingy, and I'm happy to see that not a lot of people on Tumblr say that. More people do on Instagram, which is where I see most of the hate directed at him (he's still very popular there though!)

I've seen a lot of people say that he's mostly himself in the later seasons, it may not have been a mask at Dalton and could have been a personality change maybe impacted by the environment/who he surrounded himself with. In a deleted scene it says that his mom (maybe both parents? I just remember his mom specifically) isn't home much because of work - but I usually think that she's home late at night and on most weekends (nothing to support it, just what I think)

For the school dances, that is pretty likely, but the Sadie Hawkins specifically could have also brought certain memories back. I won't go into detail but I also have a bad experience related with a certain type of event, similar events don't bring back memories but that one specifically does, it does depend on the person though.

I think it depends on the person if he had a close relationship with them. Trent, for example, yes, but this is supported the most by canon. I also believe he was close with Nick and Jeff, but that's not as supported, and looked up to David, Wes, and Thad. But I don't really see them spending much time with him.

I don't think Blaine did have a drinking problem, I tried to specify that in the analysis but I think I wasn't clear because you're the second person to ask about that, just that he may have picked up the coping mechanism when he was in a bad place but to a lesser extent. The reason I think his mom may be is because (again, deleted shot) there was a shot in which Puck was holding her up and nobody seemed to be in a similar state, Quinn and Santana in I Do weren't as drunk as Pam appeared to be in that shot. But again, since it was deleted, I'm not entirely sure if it counts (I literally forgot it was a deleted shot until I rewatched the episode which is why I didn't point that out.) I do think Blaine and Dave got closer throughout their relationship because it did seem healthy, I don't think Dave was ever abusive because he changed a lot from the beginning of the series. It could have been something Blaine expected knowing his past. During the breakup, Blaine asks if it was something he did, which would be a reason why he'd blame himself. And I also don't think Blaine dated him out of spite, that's very out of character for him. But I've seen a lot of people say they think he might have it that don't like him because he dated Dave. Since writing the analysis (it's been a few months) I actually changed my opinion on Blainofsky, I still don't love it but I don't really hate it either.

In On My Way, he does rub his wrists, but it is kind of hard to see. You have to be watching him closely, and I don't think I would have noticed had it not been pointed out to me. I really think he needed more backstory and more of a look at his mental health - while he does seem happy most of the time, he does have signs of mental illness in his darker times, so it could just be how he feels in that moment, or he could be covering up feelings of depression or anxiety when he seems happier. And Kurt was definitely depressed and suicidal - I meant to write something on him as well but never got to it...

The eating disorder thing has been pointed out by a few other people as well, and a lot of people say it could be just stress eating, or it could be disordered eating which could potentially become an eating disorder had Kurt not intervened. There are warning signs that he could have potentially developed one - most notably a desire for control, which is a very common cause.

I wasn't even going to discuss sexual assault at first, I never considered it. The only reason it was brought up was because of the article I linked in the analysis and every point I made was from there.

And the mention of Tina and the vapo-rape thing, again, you're not the first to mention it so I'm probably wrong about it and I'll admit that. I had it pointed out that he was upset by one person and I haven't seen the episode in a while.

I'll probably look more into the character and update the analysis because lately a lot of people have been asking about it (honestly idk why it's suddenly popular since I did it a while ago but- I'm not complaining!)

Thank you for the ask, I hope I kinda cleared things up... And I appreciate the criticisms and your input!! If you wanna keep talking about this or anything else, feel free to send another ask or DM me :)

[phoebe-delia]

I swear to god if this gets sent to Liv…

Even odder ask that may have been done before, but what are the most emotional musical theatre performances?

I don’t mean exclusively the ones that make YOU emotional, I mean the ones that when listening you can practically feel the emotions rolling off the singer; as if they’re truly connecting with the character and the moment and the song.

Looking forward to your reply

All my love,

Jet.

Don't worry, it's in the right place lmao.

So, this is a great question, and I wanna hear your answer too!

This is in no particular order,

1. "Could I Leave You?" from Follies—Jan Maxwell absolutely slaughters this song. You can feel her rage, her angst as she just lets it rip and gets all of her emotions out. Spectacular and so fun to sing.

2. "I'm Breaking Down" from Falsettos—Stephanie. J. motherfuckin Block. I was tempted to go with other moments from this show, but she is unhinged and hanging by a thread in this song, and I love every single second of it. Especially if you watch the actual performance, rather than just listen to it, the blocking and her facial expressions are priceless lol.

3. "I'm Here" from The Color Purple revival—I will absolutely never forget when I saw Cynthia Erivo sing this during the 2016 Tony Awards. It was breathtaking; I had chills. She is one of the most talented performers I think I've ever seen. Her voice is just...magical. I haven't stopped thinking about that moment since then.

4. "To Make You Feel My Love"—Glee version. Jet, I know you're not far along in Glee yet, so I won't spoil the entire context for this performance (I believe it happens in season 5), but suffice to say, it's a tearjerker.

5. "Dust and Ashes" from Great Comet—I'm not sure if there will ever be a list of anything related to musicals where I don't mention this show (or this song). This has to be SO challenging to sing, because it has soooo many layers and different tempos and parts to keep up with, and it's very nuanced and pivotal for the character of Pierre. Josh Groban kills it; he really takes the audience on a journey.

Send me an ask about fanfic, Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).

Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it!

[spaceorphan18]

how would you rank the glee seasons (by personal preference) and why?

I hope you don’t mind that I’m copying and pasting from the last time someone asked me.  You can find the full reply here - where I get into some objective rankings, as well. :)  

Subjective Glee Season Rankings:

And here is a list totally based fully on my own opinions and what I personally enjoyed from the show.

1. Season 5 - This season I can fully just sit down and watch pretty much all the episodes and most of the story lines without wanting to skip around.  It’s a warm and happy place, that has a lot of love and brings back some good comedy.  It’s what I most want to pop if/when I want to just watch an episode of Glee.  I also listen to the music from this season a lot.

2. Season 2 - NGL, the Kurt/Klaine story alone is what brings this up so high, and it’s nice that there are so many edits out there that I could get my hands on if I really wanted to watch just that.  I kind of think the rest of the season is garbage, but Kurt’s story on the show is my favorite thing, and season 2 was really the best he ever got.

3. Season 6 - I think it’s underrated.  Even if the botched the ending a little, these episodes are incredibly entertaining, and I’ll stand by that.  

4. Season 4 - Yeah, the Newbie stuff kinda drags it down a bit.  But there are a lot of fun episodes in here, and I don’t mind all the angst now that we’re long past it.  

5. Season 1 - It’s not that I find the Front 13 bad.  I don’t.  I find it boring.  Really. It’s so boring.  The second half of the season I really enjoy, though.  

6. Season 3 - No surprise to anyone, this season is terrible.  

So, to get a better feel about how I really feel about the seasons, I’ve broken them down a little more.  This is still a more subjective list than objective, but no list is going to be perfect.  

1. Season 2′s Kurt/Klaine arc (various episodes) – it is, arguably, the best thing the show ever did.  I’d almost want to combine the back half of season 1′s Kurt arc to this, too because it’s like a story and a sequel that gets even better.  This is my absolute favorite part of Glee, and works so well as just a great stand alone story (which almost does lift right out of everything else going on around it).  

2. Season 5′s New York Arc (eps 14-20) – There’s so much delicious Klaine during these episodes.  The stories are solid, the small cast makes the show engaging in a way it hadn’t been for a long time, and the focus on letting the kids deal with adult issues let’s the show grow in a way that it hadn’t been allowed in a long time.  

3. Season 5 Front 13 (eps 1-13) – I think this part of the season is a bit messier than the second half.  It’s drawn out too much, and Finn’s death kind of leaves a dark cloud over a majority of it.  But there’s a lot of fun in these episodes, and while a good half of them are filler, at least they were entertaining filler.  

4. Season 6 (all of it) – For a long, long time, I didn’t want to like season 6. Yeah, it’s not the most satisfying ending that could have happened.  Yeah, there are a few episodes near the end that shouldn’t have happened.  But I keep coming back to season 6.  There’s a lot of good stuff here, and it’s the tightest the show had been written in a long, long time.  The world of season 6 does feel detached, in a lot of ways, from the rest of the show, but it’s been inspirational for a lot of my own fanworks, so it has a special place for me.  

5. Season 1 Back 9 (eps 14-22).  This is when the show really picked up the pace, and got into its groove.  They shifted towards stories about the kids, and there’s a ton of focus on Kurt’s story, which I really love.  (I call Home, Laryngitis, and Theatricality the Kurt Trio.)  Plus, the show was able to balance comedy and drama in a really intriguing way, while getting rid of some of the baggage that bogged down the first half of the show.

6. Season 4 (everything but eps 18-20)  I know season 4 has such a bad rap, but a lot like season 6, but also like season 6, fandom grew some really fantastic things out of the cracks in the season.  Not only did the second half of the season have some really strong episodes, and the season as a whole have some great Blaine development, but I’ve grown fond of the conflict the season lets the characters have.  Sure, it’s a bit messy all the way around, and neither Brody or the Newbies worked all that well, but this season had a lot of potential, and the fandom ran with it, much to my enjoyment.  

7. Season 3 Arc 2 (eps. 9-17).  Okay, so technically, the middle arc only goes through ep 14, but I’m attaching on some other episodes there, and am about to give season 3 some credit.  The middle section of season 3 isn’t so bad.  There are some quirky and fun episodes here.  Sure there are a few terrible ones in between those, too, because this is still season 3, but every season has something enjoyable in it, so I’m giving credit where credit is due.

8. Season 2 Everything Else (various).  Look, I’m going to be honest.  A majority of stuff that isn’t Kurt/Klaine just isn’t that interesting to me.  And really, I’d argue that there are a lot of crappy story lines in here as well that kind of get ignored because Season 2 was Glee’s golden age – and when fandom really came together to be the ‘olden days’ everyone seems to remember so fondly.  But every time I come back to it, there’s a majority of stuff I’d rather skip than sit through during the none-Kurt focused season 2 stuff. OOps.  

9. Season 3 Arc 3 (Eps 18-22).  A lot of people like the end of the season.  I think this starts the stuff I find really terribly bad.  Finchel blows up.  Will is getting teacher of the year.  Nationals has literally no plot or tension.  There’s virtually no Klaine.  I realize this is my issue, because a lot of people don’t mind these episodes. But I just can’t.  There are very few things that truly annoy me still about Glee.  I’ve forgiven the break-ups and Blainofsky and the amount of Sue on the show, but I can’t forgive that damn Tongue Tied montage.  Sorry.

10. Season 1 Front 13 (eps 1-13).  Yes, I know, I know, this is Glee at its most classic.  And people seem to be nostalgic for this time period for reasons I don’t fully understand.  I’ll keep it simple.  This is low on this list not because it’s bad but because I find it terribly boring.  Everything to do with the adults is boring now that I’ve seen it a hundred times, and I honestly don’t want to go ever go back to it.  **Shrug**

11. Season 4 The Nighttime Trilogy (eps 18-20)  These episodes are very much not great, and kind of take away from a season that, while very messy, is pretty entertaining.  Yes, I know why they’re here – behind the scenes forced them to change it up, and that ended up not going so well, but I feel like lifting these episodes out of season 4 makes the season better.

12.  Season 3 Arc 1 (eps 1-8)  Which should not be a surprise to anyone.  Let’s get something straight – The First Time is a gem in a turd pile, and that’s because the story lines have virtually nothing to do with everything going on around it.  These episodes are truly horrible, and have some of the worst story lines the show has to offer.  Rory? Quinn going crazy? Shelby and Puck? Finn outing Santana?  Mercedes being called lazy constantly? Sue and Beiste in a love triangle? These episodes are tedious to get through. I don’t even find Purple Piano Project as engaging as I used to.  So when I say I can’t stand season 3 – this section is responsible for most of my distaste.  

Alright.. so there you go, that’s how I feel.  And as always, these are my opinions.  I don’t expect anyone to agree, so just play nice, this is the internet after all <3

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @queenemori (she/hers)

what are you working on right now? I recently started posting We Don’t Need To Say It, which is a multi-chap Memori actor AU. It’s a slow burn, don’t ask me how I looked at Murphy and Emori and decided to write a slow burn, but it’s what’s happening. I really do mean slow, the chapter I just finished writing is only the beginning of the angst, you’ve been warned. My beta tells me she hates me at least once a chapter if you want an idea of how angsty this is gonna get. I started out writing for Bellarke in this fandom, and I’ll be going back to that later this summer. Anyone who follows me knows I’m obsessed with Emma, and I have an Emma Bellarke AU that’s in the outlining stages currently. I’m hoping to work on it more once I get further into this Memori fic.

what’s something you’d like to write one day? The fic I’m working on now is actually the thing that I was like, “I want to write that one day”. I love actor AUs and I wanted to write one for some fandom at some point, and in January I got this idea, but I was working on other stuff, so I was like, well maybe I’ll write it this summer. And now I am! Though I would like to write something featuring dad!Murphy in the near future.

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? It’s actually one I haven’t published yet! I participated in Bellarke Big Bang this year, and I wrote a soulmates rom-com fic. I’m excited to share it soon once we get the go-ahead, and the artist I got to work with @clarkeindra has made some amazing art to go with it! For ones that you can actually go physically read, I will say You’re Already Breaking My Heart. It was my first fic I wrote for t100 fandom, and also the first thing I wrote after a really long time of just not writing anything, so I’m proud of it for getting me back into something I love and I’m glad that other people seemed to enjoy it. It’s what got me more into this fandom in the first place and how I made some of my first friends.

why did you first start writing fic? I got more into writing around the time I started college, though I always used to write little stories. There were a few times I almost wrote fanfic before then, like the time I almost wrote a Glee fic in ninth grade, or the time my junior year of high school where I almost wrote a Downton Abbey fic where Sybil and Branson were pen pals while Sybil was on her nurses course in season 2. But the summer before college, I wanted to write, and didn’t have any ideas for characters, but I had just read a really amazing next-gen Harry Potter fic called “Potters, Weasleys, and Misguided Snogging” which made me ship Scorpius Malfoy and Lily Luna Potter, or Scorily. So I started writing a couple stories specifically for that ship, back when I still used FF.net. It was just a one-shot and a multi-chap I never finished, but it was fun to interact with people and get to hear what they liked about the story and that they hoped I continued it, so I guess I caught the fic writing bug then.

what frustrates you most about fic writing? I wish people would leave more kudos. I’ve had this discussion with some friends before where they’re like, “What makes you leave kudos on a fic?” and I leave kudos on most fics I read, so it’s very interesting to hear people say they don’t do that as liberally as I do. If I made it to the end of the story, I’m probably going to leave kudos. The writer kept me engaged long enough to get to the end, which I think is worthy of showing some sort of support, even if I don’t leave a comment. Though I am trying to get better about leaving comments more often. Kudos are a very low stakes way to show you like a story that someone put out. Afraid to comment, but want to show the author you enjoyed reading? Leave kudos. A couple of stories I have out have gotten a fair amount of hits, but the amount of kudos in comparison to the amount of people who have probably opened it is a little disheartening. I’ve also heard people say they don’t want to leave kudos on stories that have been out for a while, but I love to get kudos on my old work! It’s fun to see that people are still reading things I put out in like 2017 or even just last year. Kudos brighten my day just as much as comments do sometimes, especially when I know not everyone feels comfortable leaving a comment!

what are your top five songs right now? The answer to this is 98% always related to what I’m listening to when I’m working on a certain writing project lol.

Sweet by Cigarettes After Sex Heartbreak Weather by Niall Horan I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie Bye-Bye Darling by Borns Fire for You by Cannons

what are your inspirations? Red, White & Royal Blue, since I read that recently. It honestly just made me want to write a movie, and I kind of hope that whatever TV or movie adaptation it ends up getting in the future I’m able to work on. I want to be a screenwriter, so I tend to get inspired by TV a lot. The Mindy Project, Insecure, and even Never Have I Ever are big inspirations for me. Or more like, anything that Issa Rae or Mindy Kaling are involved in, to be honest. I write a lot of modern AUs, so just anything that shows good relationship progression or has fun with mundane, everyday situations.

what first attracted you to Memori? what attracts you now? So fun fact, I stopped watching the show for a bit. I binged basically two seasons in a weekend while visiting a friend in like 2017, and I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t obsessed? Then I started s3 and a bunch of characters were getting on my nerves so I put it down for a while. Then I was on Tumblr at the beginning of 2019 and saw a gifset from 3x05 of Murphy and Emori kissing and I was kind of like, “That guy’s still alive? And he has a girlfriend?” So I started watching again, legit only because I was shook Murphy had survived lol. So the thing that first attracted me to them was just the fact that they were a couple at all, I guess. I’d say now that I’ve rewatched the show and seen their relationship develop, I love that these are two people who have always had to fend for themselves and kind of had that “me against the world” mentality. And then they find this other person that cares about them and wants to take care of them, and life becomes a lot less lonely. Also now we get to see their relationship after years together, so they’re very domestic, which adds this lovely sense of normalcy on this post-apocalyptic sci-fi show that I absolutely adore. Their interactions especially in s7 just read as a married couple who are very comfortable with each other, but still incredibly devoted to one another and in love.

Besides Memori, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? For ships, I also really like Bellarke. When I was more casually watching the first time around, I didn’t have much of an opinion on them/didn’t really ship it until season 4, but ever since then I’ve been on board. It’s very clear I’m a huge Memori person, but I do ship Murven, though mainly in AU settings. And Memoraven are my OT3!! My other fave character is Bellamy. And I feel like Gabriel has also quickly become a favorite for me. It’s definitely a mixture of his confused, but obsessed with science vibe on the show and the fact that he has been very fun to write in my actor AU when he makes appearances every so often.

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? Ever since I’ve been home due to the pandemic, writing has kind of been my escape. Weirdly enough, I’ve written so much (both fic and some real life stuff), even though I’m still working and everything like that. And when the BLM movement was getting a lot of traction specifically in our fandom spaces, I was immediately skeptical of people’s intentions because as a Black person in America specifically I’ve seen this happen before where all the attention is on this issue for a couple weeks and then everyone goes back to posting what they normally post about. And I guess this time things are a bit different, but the thing that began to frustrate me was seeing people shame others for saying they were going to watch the next episode of the show or for working on their fanfic. Fandom spaces have been my biggest escape from the news since March and while I was glad people were focusing on this sort of thing, I kind of hated the way people were making it out to be like this was a new issue when in reality it’s just my life. When I close my laptop and go out into the world, I’m still Black. I had considered opening my ask box up for prompts in exchange for someone donating to a bail fund or something like that, especially since I had just reached a follower milestone, but when I saw that Sam was organizing this and it was going to be an ongoing thing rather than just for a certain period of time, it was heartening to see someone realizing that this isn’t something we can just stop talking about even when the media moves on. The structure of these prompts makes it so that a person has to do a bit of research on BLM and educate themselves or confront the issue in a way they might not have had to before. And it gives me a chance to write things like my fluffy Memori wedding fic ! It’s a way to have my little fandom escape and also stay aware of what’s going on in the real world.

what’s your writing process like (esp for prompts, chopped!, etc)? I LOVE outlines! The Virgo in me loves to talk about my fic outlining process lol. With some short one-shots, I tend to just go in with a sentence or concept that I write at the top of the document and just write and see where that takes me. I also put at the top of the document all the things I want to tag it as when I go to post to AO3, so I don’t have to spend too much time thinking of those when it’s time to post. With multi-chap fics, I first make an ideas dump document which is just me typing out a bunch of thoughts, things like who’s in it, the premise, stuff like that. My actor AU has three preliminary documents: My ideas dump, the actual outline, and then the outline for what happens on each season of the TV show the characters are all on, since I reference those plot points a lot. For things like Chopped or prompts I receive, I do a mixture of the outline/ideas dump in one document. I put at the top all the information I received (so with prompts I tend to just copy/paste the ask from my inbox, and for Chopped the different tropes and theme), then think about what characters I want to use if it wasn’t specified, then kind of do bullet points on what happens in the story. These have all been really helpful in terms of keeping me on track, but I make sure to remind myself that things can change as I write and take a different direction than I expected. So my outlines are constantly changing, but the general idea is already written somewhere so I don’t get too stuck.

what are your thoughts on dad!murphy? The concept of dad!Murphy has really been living rent-free in my brain since before the beginning of season 7. I just kind of love the idea of Murphy (who is a character at first glance I feel like people don’t picture as much of a father figure) kind of falling into being a dad in an unexpected way, and then realizing how much he loves it. It’s just such a sweet thought, and I talked about it so much with some of my friends, that we started a Dad!Murphy Enthusiast Club server on discord (we’re always accepting members so DM me if you’d like to join us!). We just kind of talk about our dad!Murphy headcanons, share fics featuring dad!Murphy, and then get excited when people make new dad!Murphy content. It’s a fun time and though I am a very large Memori, I’m a multi-shipper at heart, and Murphy is one of those characters that I find easy to ship with a lot of people, so we love dad!Murphy in all forms!

what are some things you’d like to recommend?  This is a mix of Bellarke and Memori stuff, since that’s what I mainly read.

Literally everything @mobi-on-a-mission writes, but if I must get specific, then Revive and The Cockroach. 

Almost Paradise (We’re Knocking On Heaven’s Door)  by @nakey-cats-take-bathsss , 13 hours by Kats_watermelon, feat. by Debate, and of course, my comfort fic so i sing a song of love  by twilightstargazer.

The best place to find @queenemori is here on Tumblr. You can find her ao3 here. Request a fic written by her via @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[h-sleepingirl]

EEEHU + Scenes From A Hypnotic Skype Call 3/29/20

This is a writing about my weekend. This is a writing about EEEHU, and a writing about a Skype date. They are very different in tone, but inevitably interconnected. This is a writing I debated on doing -- on how to express it, and whether or not I should share it.This is a writing that starts very hard, but gets easier. 

I was a part of two classes on Saturday. I thought that would be easy; I had been kicking myself for not submitting more and was very close to deciding to put on an unconference class. 

It was not easy. 

I didn't sleep well that night, and haven't been sleeping well in general. Since shifting my work, I felt like my sleep should be pretty stable, since I work on my own schedule now. But I've been staying up late and waking up early. It's a bad pattern, and it was the second day in a 5hr sleep cycle. 

I was already drained, and I had a lot to juggle to get everything running smoothly Saturday morning. It was taxing and I was exhausted. I was snapping at stupid things, uncharacteristically. I kept saying, with forced glee, "It's just like a real con! I'm sleep deprived and stressed!"

But once we got started, the first class with MrDream went well, and I enjoyed it. The audience was incredibly generous towards both him and me. I was so pleased at how many people were getting information and how many people said that they loved my trance face, although I had to force down a little bit of juvenile bitterness that we couldn’t just monopolize the class with play and go as hard as we usually do. There were 140ish people in the class -- a lot. We did Q&A to wrap up, and then I had to run to do tech testing for the podcast.

What I couldn’t do was give MrDream a hug after the class. What I couldn’t do was walk down the hotel hallway to see him and decompress. What I couldn’t do was hang around and chat with attendees in the lobby and in the con spaces.

I felt that immensely, stinging, but I had to push it down, because I had more to do.

The podcast, despite some inevitable technical issues, went well enough. By that point, I was feeling incredibly drained, and hadn’t been able to eat more than some yogurt for the majority of the day because of feeling crappy from not sleeping. It went for 2 hours -- very long, and we had no breaks. I was on autopilot. I had a good time, but felt almost dissociated, far away from myself.

I turned off the meeting, and I was suddenly in my bed, alone, just with cc, waiting for the audio to save.

I could not go see MrDream. I could not go see my friends. I could not get a hug. I could not text someone to ask where the party was and then stay up until 4am doing hypnosis and talking bullshit.

I started crying -- not weeping, not choking out tears, but wailing, hard crying.

It was the build-up of nearly a month of not processing that life, right now, is different. I cannot see my loved ones. I cannot see my community. EEEHU was a monstrous effort by its organizers which I applaud, and am so dearly happy that so many people enjoyed it, but for me, it was a harsh reminder that it was not a con in the way that I needed, and that I will not get that in the foreseeable future.

And I can’t see MrDream.

Our 2-year dating anniversary was just over a week ago. We would have had a date, riled up from not seeing each other for a month, meeting near the vernal equinox, the change of seasons having become important to us. And then we would have seen each other at NEEHU, a week later.

Now I don’t know when I will see him again.

After keeping that fact so distant from myself, taking one day at a time, I was slapped in the face by it.

I cried. I cried so hard. I have not cried like that in months, maybe a year. It was the rawness of isolation, the feeling of tragedy, of separation.

After a few minutes of it, I stopped, because I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of. I saw myself in a mirror, and saw the mascara running in streaks down my face -- an effect I’ve tried hard to achieve for kink and in scenes for my partners who enjoy tears.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture -- the picture I take for MrDream every day of myself when I feel particularly brainwashed. If this wasn’t such a clear sign of how brainwashed, how dependent, how addicted, how in love I am, then I don’t know what is.

He responded well.

I went to bed early, feeling like I had immensely screwed up in everything the entire day. Again I had trouble sleeping, but I was comforted by the knowledge that I would talk to MrDream on Skype, and woke up feeling still drained, but less raw.

Our call was, of course, what I needed.

It was not the kind of call where we dove headfirst into trance. We spent time decompressing and talking, the sort of relaxed conversation I’ve missed so much since not having long time together.

But when he shifted his tone, when I saw his eyes change so subtly, I felt it all, and I felt everything melt away, helpless to it.

--

This trance is so overwhelming, the lowness of his voice, the feather-light touch of it makes me feel as though this is so much more powerful than aggression, as though I am a fluid which yields so much more softly when given the most gentle pressure, and how weak I feel to that.

He talks about how I can feel myself melting into him and suddenly I feel it, I feel the way his body feels. How much he wants me. How much when even I think about him from far away, he feels it, unconsciously, the force of our connection, we can smell each other, we know the weight of each others’ bodies.

Sinking into him. Filled with him. Empty. Deep.

Going through vivid memories of us together, flashbacks to dates that I suddenly am able to access more effectively.

I weep in trance at how precious that is. I weep while aroused as he controls me, even as I feel myself totally slipping away. The tears stop quickly, leaving me with his control.

He is calling back to the podcast that I know he was there to listen to, using my words, using my ideas, the recognition that he is always paying attention.

When he snaps me up, I am a hypnotized wreck, I can’t talk. He has to snap me up again.

“My shoulders are doing the thing,” I say, smiling, finally. “My brain is doing the thing.”

Loosened, relaxed.

--

We talk about how much we miss each other. He future paces gently about what it will be like when we finally see each other. I cry a little bit again, and it’s the first time I’ve acknowledged this thing with tears in front of him.

We banter Erickson at each other -- our ultimate love language.

--

I’m amazed how quickly I fall away when his flirting shifts intent just slightly. I have been going deeper, I have been going away so much further and faster.

He turns me into a cow, all body, no brain, taking over everything. Dumb cow braincells making me all mouth, all pussy, all tits. Calling back to my fey memories, how holographic they are.

Flashback to his apartment and cumming on top of him.

“Feeling the way the light feels,” he says, and it triggers the exact memory of my thought, in his room, when he took something away from me permanently -- ‘I will never forget the way the light looks in this room at this moment.’

“And then fading away even from this much comprehension into the deepest trance.”

Just hypnosis, just mind control. The absolute feeling of that, the way it drugs me.

I am so close to nothing, he is draining me away… Again I have that sense that if he just pushes a little more, I would go, something would happen, I would be totally gone forever… Again, I flash back to another date, the solstice that I did not share, and how close I was…

“You’ve always been a dumb little girl, wanting this so badly…”

Another flashback…

And he wakes me up, and I just stare at him. He makes a whooshing sound.

“Boy, do I miss this,” he says, all low, so turned on. “Gonna shred you so bad.”

I say his name.

“I’m… somewhere,” I manage, softly.

“Me too,” he says.

I’m so completely focused on his face, so completely keyed into his expression, his eyes, just like I would be if we were together, just like I’ve been learning how to do over Skype after all this time.

“Are we just going to spend 15 minutes staring at each other now?” I whisper, locked onto him.

“If we were alone, do you think we would?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say quietly.

We fix on each other, silently, and it is just like we are.

He makes another whooshing sound, and it breaks, and we both laugh a little.

“Well,” he says, “that was two minutes.”

--

“As if a candle can tell that it’s melting.”

I become an object, melting itself, lit by him, finally no longer a person, finally even more easy to exist as a vessel for his control.

“As if you are a candle in the dark night, dripping wax into your hand, thinking about spells and magic…”

Flashback to Samhain, and the frustration.

“Who we are when we are alone, when we are together, even if there are people around, no matter where, we are always in this other world where magic is happening to us both. Knowing we are always connected, knowing we always have this thing, and no one can stop it.”

Flashback to DMDW.

Flashback to flashbacks of DMDW.

Weeping, again, in deep, deep trance, feeling the magic bubble in my body and bubble where the air meets my skin, just for this one moment, so long since I’ve felt it and never over distance like this -- the magic that I will always question, the magic that seems unquestionable when I feel it and then dreamlike, it fades...

He counts me up, and I feel a tightness, and before 5, I whisper his name and ask to stay here, at 4.

--

I have looked at the picture of myself ever so often. The enormous emotional outpouring feels more distant now, and more manageable, but I don’t ever want to forget how hard that day was for me. I don’t ever want to take things for granted ever again.

It makes me so happy that I was able to have meaningful conversations and input at EEEHU, and help people learn, and watch people having fun. I wish I could have been more present, but I know I was doing the right thing by being at home, and not “at the con."

The hypnosis community is so incredibly important to me. I dedicated my first book to it, and surely I will do the same with my next. I believe I was meant to be here. If I believed in destiny, which I do not, I would say that it has been my destiny since I was a tiny little girl, confused and barely conscious of myself.

All I have to say is this: Take care of yourselves. Stay strong, but know you will fail sometimes. Cry. Laugh. Keep in touch.

I will be here.

--

@hypnokinkwithmrdream

[yououghtaknow]

18 and 20 for the meta asks? also I already commented on clip 3 but fr this clip was so good that was such a good execution of that scene and s5 has been so good and literally brightens my day thank u 💛 i hope you’re doing well

hi, thank you so much!!!!!!!! i hope you’re doing well too <3 <3

i am putting a read more because i am a rambley person, but underneath you will find talks of unused plot points, the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad, and what taylor swift album(s) i believe each season has the vibe of.

tw for discussion of abuse, mental health problems, addiction and eating disorders

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

skam brighton has. so many aus. because it itself is an au of an original work. me and two of my great writing friends have written a great numbers of aus including but not limited to riordian-verse, glee, doctor who, rwrb, trc, a murder mystery au, and many aus based on comfort media of mine that i started on never finished (house of anubis, barbie movies, etc.). and many of them are unironically so good???? @fingersmithbysarahwaters and @nightwing642 are incredibly talented screenwriters. but also i did write a screenplay adaptations of the first two books in the raven cycle series and 2/3s of rwrb for no reason other than fun and autism.

as for skam brighton. oh boy. not many plot points have been changed, but some certain scenes/character moments were changed. for example, the scene in season 2 episode 8 where liz has a meltdown at the shopping centre and she has a heart to heart with mary was originally liz having a meltdown and running into al in the sensory room. but i wanted to hold back on revealing al as a main character until season 3. 

also in the og season 3, jake and al didn’t break up. as i was finishing the season, i was getting ideas for how i wanted the series to develop (james’s crush on al namely) so i thought it would be good for both of their developments for them not to end up together. also in season 3 i hadn’t planned for jake to move house originally, so there was a scene in the finale episode of the lad squad hanging out, but it got cut because it just didn’t make sense. 

in season 4, al and bree were a lot meaner to each other originally, because i love it when it gets busy at the brighton and the gay people get mean, but then i thought about it and decided it was out of character for both of them to be downright cruel. al and bree also had a scene in season 4 that was cut due to just not making sense. 

also, in season 5, the “inner white girl” scene originally wasn’t in the show at all, but one day i was listening to the song, and about a week before the episode came out, i wrote it. also, bree wasn’t written to be a she/they until literally the day of putting the clip out because i thought it would be cool. that’s it :)

also the way i write is that i write the full clip out in a google doc and then edit it in ao3 about an hour before i put it out, so a lot of changes happen there. just small things, like making dialogue flow better, changing certain songs because i just want to, and sometimes adding in new sequences that i just thought of.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

oh!!!! there!!!!! is!!!!! 

personally, my favourite thing to write is little symbolic moments that make me happy because i play 4d chess in my head with myself every time i write.

before i go off, i must say, so many hints and clues have been dropped for season six so far. season six has been my favourite season to write and i’m already planning a spin-off project based on it to write, and it’s gonna be starting sooner than you think.

so a piece of writing i’ve been thinking about lately is the parallels between the girl squad and the lad squad. before i begin to go off, these are the characters i think parallel each other the most.

jake - sandy james - bree nick - rori theo - esther al - liz

jake and sandy is quite an obvious parallel to draw - both are football players, both begin the series closeted and having a close relationship with bryan - but their personalities are quite similar. both of them are closer with their mother than their father, both use their relationships as a method of protection, and both are afraid of of societal rejection at the beginning of the series. they also both discovered their sexualities and mental health issues over the course of their seasons, and both of their love interests are more outgoing theatre kids. jake and sandy’s relationship is also so interesting to me - because they start as very awkward friends, and jake tries to help sandy by making bryan break up with her, but outs her in the process, and sandy doesn’t want to forgive him. she takes her time and comes to terms with it on her own and decides to forgive him because sandy’s just a sweetheart - and this also parallels the way jake takes his time to forgive his mother. also, in their friend groups, they’re both the newcomer to them, and we get the introductions to the group dynamics in their seasons, and in the later seasons, they’re both a lot more relaxed as they’re in recovery <3

james and bree are also very similar characters. both have problems with substance abuse, both have promiscuous reputations, both have both mommy and daddy issues. they are both dean girls, to put it in spn terms. they’re both very funny, and use humour to cover up their struggles. both are dealing with a lot of mental illness and, throughout the series, it becomes more and more clear. they’re also both seen as “the hot ones” of their groups, with a lot of the characters canonically having small crushes on them (liz, rori and nick with james; rori, esther and annabell with bree). they’ve also both canonically hooked up with sophie. which i just think is fun. they also played mimi and roger together, which i think shows their parallels as addicts and people (with roger struggling with recovery and depression until the end, when he begins to get help, and mimi living the high life until it all crumbles down around her). they also share a want for independence and both are very sana-esque characters (james being middle eastern and religious, bree being the cool rebel girl in season 1).

nick and rori are both the “fun friend”. they’re both comedic relief in the early seasons, but we do get in depth with them as the show goes on. in grease, they play james and bree’s love interests (which is ironic, as rori and bree get together and nick is in love with james), and in rent, they play angel and maureen, the two main comedic relief characters. both of them struggle to connect their asian identity with their british identity, and both struggle with how the world perceives them (nick with their gender presentation and rori with her eating disorder). they both struggle with toxic masculinity and toxic femininity and use humour to cover up their struggles.

theo and esther are similar in the fact that they’re the squad members we know the least about. they’re both jewish, they’re both the mum friend of their respective groups, they’re both autistic and they’re both quite nerdy. they’re the most grounded member of their respective groups and tend to take charge and help make decisions. they’re also both quite sarcastic and very firm in their opinions. 

al and liz are parallels simply because they are both nooras and vildes. they’r eboth autistic, they’re both the odd one out in their friend groups - liz being a lot more serious than the girl squad, al being a lot more in his own little world than the lad squad. they’re both very blunt and straight forward and say whatever they’re thinking.

also just some of my favourite bits of foreshadowing: nick being bitchy to liz throughout season 2 because they’re in love with james….. al talking about his sister to jake in season 3 and whenever al talks to the girl squad, bree insults him or walks away…… in season 4 episode 1, audrey mentions bree’s cousin is pregnant and then when bree finds out the results of her pregnancy test, oh no by marina plays (i’m now becoming my own self fulfilling prophecy)....... nick and all of his gender stuff throughout the series……. just all of the character stuff with grease and rent….. also just bree and rori’s whole relationship arc because it has everything. queerbaiting. subverting expectations. musical homoeroticism. a little cheating for fun. and they were best friends. honestly bree and rori season 3 is very august by taylor swift…… you weren’t mine to lose…….. 

speaking of, no one asked by here’s each season of skambr and the taylor swift albums they’re most like.

season 1 - debut/fearless

bro sandy is just such a debut/fearless era person. she’s looking for her place in this world!!!!!! she has the teardrops on my guitar energy (quite literally sandy pre-canon voice i bet he’s beautiful that boy she talks about and he has everything that i have to live without about bryan and sophie)..... the fun giggly crush songs that are deeply homoerotic….. esther season 1 voice the entirety of you belong with me. like esther really made a deeper connection with sandy in one month that bryan did in years of knowing her. sandy also is the type of person to stan love story, she just thinks it’s such a fun song and she does yell the key change every time it comes on. 

season 2 - speak now/lover

elizabeth!!!!! liz is the type of person who only liked old taylor and then got internalised misogyny and then got over it and loves taylor again. the story of us is canonically a liz/rori song…. yes i am still a liz/rori subtext warrior….. liz is very never grow up and dear john is a very her and james song in the fact that they both relate to it……. when they bonded over their trauma “don’t you think i was too young”...... also lover is a liz season 2 album because it’s about liz learning that love is the most important thing in the world….. liz voice i want to be defined by the things that i love. also the archer is just a skam brighton song because it is an isaac song. also i’m just gonna say it. i like me! it’s a good song when brendon urie isn’t in it, you all are just afraid of having fun. also though liz in season 5 is very better than revenge because, while her season is about unlearning your internalised prejudices, i believe she deserves to be misogynistic for 3 minutes 37 seconds.

season 3 - red

now this is controversial. this season is about depression, grief and anger, and these feelings are red. literally jake voice so you were never a saint and i loved in shades of wrong we learn to live with the pain mosaic broken hearts….. like treacherous….. holy ground….. the whole country pop vibe….. the bitchy songs mocking people’s perceptions of the singer…..  22 is a lad squad song…. also jake voice i remember it all too well but it’s about his father’s abuse and his mother’s neglect…… like the whole season is just jake getting to the point where he is at “begin again”. also i feel like jake would like red because he spent a lot of time watching taylor swift music videos as a youth both because he liked the music and had crushes on the guys in them, and he feels red is the perfect middle between the country and the pop and the indie and he just really likes being sad.

season 4 - reputation

bree big reputation holland!!!!!!!!! she has it all - the romantic drama, the hatred of men, the fucking homoeroticism. bree stans the reputation tour and they have made the entire holland-fletcher family watch it on their netflix (al fucking loved it because he’s a canon swiftie, audrey had a fun time, patrick was a little confused, but has the spirit). listen bree “i did something bad”. bree “look what you made me do”. bree and rori “new year’s day”. bree voice i swear i don’t love the drama, it loves me!!!!!!!!! like the reason the season has a lot of reputation songs and ends with daylight from lover is a metaphor for bree leaving their reputation era…. also reputation has she/they vibes

season 5 - 1989

1989 my best friend 1989!!!!!!! i am coming out here as a 1989 (deluxe) stan. it’s just a serotonin album for me and it is just so nick. the mocking songs about their reputation…… the genuinely deeply depressing homoerotic songs that have fun upbeat music…… the cars….. also clean is just such a nick song. he is in recovery, he is just so personal to me. also nick voice one night he wakes strange look on his face pauses then says you’re my best friend and you knew what it was he is in love!!!!!!! nick canonically in love with all of their best friends braxton!!!!! also nick feels like a 1989 stan because they just have those fun energies. nick WILL scream the spoken part of shake it off at the top of his lungs. also new romantic is just a skamverse song in general. also just. out of the woods. no reason for me to say it other than it’s one of my favourite songs of all time.

season 6 - folklore/evermore

no evermore is not out yet. yes i am claiming it for season 6. see taylor has said that these albums are all about telling stories/fairy tales and that’s what season 6 is about. i cannot wait until next friday when the main and my plans for the hiatus are revealed…….. genuinely i do not know how anyone perceives skam brighton so i don’t know who people think the next main is, but…… i can only describe the state of me writing this season as the various ambiguous disorder gifs.

[bard-llama]

Five Almost Kisses and One Happily Ever After (Part 4)

Read on AO3

Parts 1+2 | Part 3

They had split up for winter after what Geralt had termed the succubus incident in his head. It had been awkward the few days before they’d parted, with stilted conversations and heavy silences. But Geralt was hoping that the season apart will have fixed everything.

Not that anything had changed for him. If he’d been extra taciturn after the incident, well, he was the one who had focused his senses on Jaskier while they were at the brothel. Jaskier may have known about it, but Geralt had been the one to overstep.

He wasn’t sure why Jaskier had been odd – letting his sentences trail off in the middle and staring off into space. He’d seemed fine initially. Geralt hoped he hadn’t made Jaskier feel too uncomfortable, but the bard hadn’t seemed offended at the time.

He wasn’t sure, though. That’s why Geralt was here, at this ridiculously fancy party where Jaskier would be performing. Jaskier was usually the one who found him after they split for the winter – and it wasn’t that Geralt thought he wouldn’t go looking for Geralt after his performance. It’s just that… well, he still didn’t know why Jaskier had been awkward, but if Geralt had offended him, then seeking him out would hopefully be understood as an apology.

Especially since Geralt had to listen to him perform.

He didn’t actually mind Jaskier’s singing as much as he pretended, but there were times he truly did dislike it. Like when Jaskier pranced around in his best clothes, a peacock on display, winking through metaphors just abstract enough to get away with, and flirting with everyone in the vicinity.

Except Geralt.

Geralt firmly stomped down the part of his mind that suggested  in a reedy voice that he was jealous. Witchers didn’t feel. Ergo, he couldn’t be jealous.

Or in love.

“Ugh,” he scrubbed his hands over his face. He needed to get it together if he didn’t want to embarrass Jaskier at this party. Geralt rolled his shoulders and took a deep breath before diving into the niceties of polite society.

He stuck to the edges of the crowd and nabbed a drink from the first tray to pass by him. Jaskier would presumably be playing for most of the evening, so Geralt probably wouldn’t even get much of a chance to talk to him. Which made him question why he was even here, why he was subjecting himself to suffer through Jaskier’s flirting and flouncing, taunting himself with what he couldn’t have?

But Jaskier liked these parties, and Geralt’s apology had to be meaningful. It had to be something Jaskier would understand. Jaskier knew how much Geralt disliked crowds and extravagance and – he shuddered – nobility. He would understand what Geralt was trying to say by coming here. Wouldn’t he?

Geralt walked the perimeter of the banquet hall, scoping out any threats and where the best place to watch Jaskier would be. The sounds of hundreds of guests chattering and eating, chairs scraping across the floor and plates clanking against tables – it was overwhelming. That was the excuse Geralt told himself when Jaskier managed to sneak up on him.

“Geralt?” There was a note of something like awe in Jaskier’s voice that made Geralt feel warm.

He turned to face the bard and his breath caught in his throat at the sight of Jaskier in a black suit. He’d never seen Jaskier wear black before, and it was an unusual choice for a fancy party, though it was striking. But then Jaskier strode towards him and Geralt suddenly realized that Jaskier’s clothes weren’t black, but rather, they seemed to change color from every angle, shifting from dark blue to light green to soft red and back to black. It was mesmerizing, and every shade seemed to make Jaskier’s eyes shine brighter.

Or perhaps that was the open joy on Jaskier’s face. The bard wrapped his arms around Geralt in an eager hug, and Geralt deliberately forced his muscle to relax into the touch. He didn’t know what to do with his arms, so they just hung beside him, but Jaskier withdrew before Geralt had too much time to worry.

“You’re – wow, you dressed up,” Jaskier pulled back to look him over and Geralt shifted awkwardly.

He’d tried his best to find something that wouldn’t embarrass Jaskier, but he hardly knew anything about fashion. Geralt had asked the tailor to make something in the Nilfgaardian style Jaskier seemed to favor, and he rather thought that the tailor had done a good job with the colors – a lovely teal with soft gold accents. Geralt wasn’t fully comfortable wearing anything but his usual black, but the tailor had seemed approving of the final look, and no one had thrown him out of the party yet.

“Figured I could do better than you did in Cintra,” Geralt rumbled and Jaskier grinned broadly. There was something soft and warm in his gaze and it made Geralt tremble, too finely for anyone to tell. He clenched his fist and ordered himself to get it together. He wouldn’t embarrass Jaskier with some emotional display.

“You definitely succeeded!” Jaskier said, and he sounded so pleased and so very proud of Geralt that he couldn’t help the way his breath started to come faster. “Did the Count hire you? Should I expect that some monster will interrupt my performance at an inopportune moment?”

“Ah,” Geralt grunted. “No. I –” he cleared his throat and then said in a rush, “I was in the area. I heard you were playing. Figured it was about time to meet up anyway.” He shrugged jerkily.

“Oh,” Jaskier blinked and looked him over once more. Then he started grinning widely. “You dressed up for me,” he teased.

Geralt was very glad that Witchers didn’t blush easily. “When do you play, then?”

“Oh, not until the Countess arrives,” Jaskier shrugged. “Her husband likes to wine and dine the lords for a good while, but the Countess is the real life of the party.” Jaskier’s smile was fond and Geralt suddenly realized he’d failed to foresee a very big hole in his plan.

“...the Countess?”

“The Countess de Stael. The host of the party?” Jaskier cocked his eyebrow. “Did you really come to a party without even knowing who it’s for?”

Geralt shrugged. “Didn’t care about that.” He licked his lips and thought about what Jaskier had said. “The Countess de Stael. Your “muse and beauty of this world”?” Geralt quoted and his voice sounded hoarse and stiff in his ears.

Jaskier tilted his head, his forehead creasing. “Of course. I winter here most years, you know.”

“Ah.” Geralt grunted. He had clearly made a horrible mistake coming here. What had he been thinking? Of course Jaskier didn’t want Geralt to seek him out – he had a cushy situation for the season and didn’t spend half his days wishing for spring to hurry the hell up. Disdain pulled at his lips, and he sneered, “did she welcome you back with “glee, open arms, and very little clothing”, then?”

Jaskier’s brow knitted deeper. “Didn’t think you’d paid that much attention when I talked about her. But there’s no need for your snide disposition. The Count, the Countess, and I have an… understanding. If you’re worried you’ll have to save me from an angry husband, then I can assure you that shan’t be the case!” He clapped Geralt on the shoulder before guiding him to walk with a hand on the small of his back.

Geralt would never admit to the way his mind fixated on that point of contact or the way he was entirely pliable under Jaskier’s touch. He hardly even noticed when Jaskier led them out onto a balcony and closed the glass doors. Immediately, the clamor of voices was muffled and Geralt felt himself relax.

“Better?” Jaskier asked.

“Hmm.”

“You really do look wonderful,” Jaskier said as the two of them leaned against the stone railing, looking down into the gardens. “I’m honored you bothered to dress up for me.”

Geralt turned his head to face Jaskier and found the bard already gazing at him, eyes half-lidded. “Didn’t want to embarrass you,” he cleared his throat.

Jaskier’s smile turned soft again, all for him this time. “Thank you. I happen to like you no matter what you’re wearing, but you know how polite society can be. But you look fantastic – if there’s any talk tonight, it will be about how well the White Wolf cleans up.” He winked.

Geralt scratched at his arm, avoiding Jaskier’s gaze. “Doubt anyone cares what I clean up like. And your outfit is certainly eye catching enough to keep attention on you.”

“Damn right it is,” Jaskier twirled around. “I paid a pretty penny for this, but I’d say it’s well worth the cost.” His eyes darted back to Geralt’s and he settled back against the railing slightly closer to Geralt than he’d been before.

Geralt didn’t mind, letting his shoulder relax into the warmth against his side until they were pressed together.

With the party muffled, it almost felt like they were in their own world together as Jaskier chattered about the winter and the guests at the party and the most embarrassing gossip about them. Jaskier leaned into him as he spoke, and with their heads tucked together, it was easy for Geralt to get lost in the fantasy that he was all that mattered in Jaskier’s world.

“...absolutely absurd, don’t you think, Geralt?”

“Hmm,” Geralt hummed, gazing at Jaskier with a fond smile on his face.

Jaskier smiled back at him, and Geralt almost thought Jaskier was going to lean forward and –

“Jaskier?” There was a knock on the glass door and then a heavyset woman in an elegant purple gown stepped onto the balcony. “You missed your cue, which you’ve never done before, so i had to come see who has captured your attention so.” Her voice was sultry in a way that made Jaskier flush and Geralt decided he hated her on principle.

“Countess! This is Geralt of Rivia,” Jaskier said significantly, as if his name had some deeper meaning.

“Aaaah, the mighty White Wolf. I’ve heard so much about you,” she purred.

“Maybe some of it was even true,” Geralt grunted, a curl of contempt pulling at his lip.

She seemed taken aback by his venom, but she took the rejection gracefully, turning away from Geralt to focus on Jaskier. “You really do need to get back in there, Jaskier. The lords are calling for their bard.”

Geralt almost growled. Their bard? If Jaskier was anyone’s bard, he was Geralt’s!

He was, wasn’t he?

Or more accurately, Geralt supposed, he was Jaskier’s. The bard had named him, made him famous, even changed how people on the continent thought about Witchers. Jaskier had truly made life easier for Geralt, and all Witchers.

And there was something about being considered Jaskier’s that made tingles shoot down his spine.

“Ah, sorry, Countess. I’ll be right there,” Jaskier promised, then turned back to Geralt, catching his hand. “Stay, please. I know you hate these parties, but I’d like to talk to you more. Please?”

Geralt grunted. He’d been expecting to be stuck at the party all night anyway, so it seemed only right to nod and follow Jaskier back inside until he could lurk around the edges of the room with the bard in view.

In truth, he knew that he would wait an eternity if Jaskier would look at him so very softly at the end of it.

Geralt grabbed another mug of ale when a server passed by and settled against the wall. Despite the unwelcome interruption of the Countess, whose gaze Geralt was determinedly ignoring, the time he’d spent with Jaskier made him feel loose and warm.

That feeling only increased when Jaskier began his set. Jaskier seemed – not contained, because delight was bursting from Jaskier’s very being, but his behavior was more...well, acceptable. Instead of his usual flirting with everyone in the room, he was confining himself to friendly smiles. Instead of bawdy drinking songs, Jaskier led the room through tragic love ballads and epic adventure tales. When he did wink and focus all of that laser attention on someone, it wasn’t the lucky maiden of the hour, but rather Geralt.

It was...well, Geralt hoped his face wasn’t showing what being the sole focus of all of Jaskier’s attention was doing to him. He barely heard Jaskier’s songs, so focused on the way Jaskier moved, the way he spun around and winked and danced and played and all the while, he kept looking back at Geralt. Jaskier was ablaze with energy and euphoria and Geralt imagined holding him like that, pressing his mouth against Jaskier’s and trying to hold all that Jaskier was. He never could, of course - Jaskier was never one to be contained, but one day, maybe he would let Geralt press close and feel what Jaskier tasted like when his smile was bursting with happiness.

Geralt leaned back against the wall and when Jaskier’s gaze settled on him again, he let the smile that was threatening to emerge overtake his lips. He wasn’t sure how he’d expected the night to go, but the reality was better than Geralt might have dreamed. Even if Jaskier never did want more from him, even if Jaskier could never feel the same way, Geralt considered himself lucky to get this much of the bard. Who else did Jaskier dedicatedly dub his ‘best friend’? Who else knew Jaskier as well as Geralt did?

His gaze flicked over to the Countess de Stael. Even if she did know Jaskier as well as Geralt feared, he was the one Jaskier would be leaving with in the morning. He was the one Jaskier spent most of the year following on the road.

Geral turned away from the Countess and all the other curious eyes on him and let himself get lost in Jaskier’s performance and Jaskier’s attention.

And if, that night, Geralt pretended that it all meant more, that Jaskier sang to him because the bard truly wanted him, then that was his business and no one else needed to know about it.

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: M3: The Dark Metal, Episodes 4-6

Do not watch this show. Please, for the love of god, do not watch this show.

FUCKING WHAT

It was at the end of episode 5 that I had to stop watching M3 and look up who was on the staff list. I just couldn’t spend another moment not knowing who was responsible for this fucking travesty. Frankly, I had no idea who might have been the driving force behind this show’s creation. I just knew that someone had to pay.

But let me tell you, I was not fucking prepared to find out who wrote M3′s script, a grand total of five people including:

-Hajime Kamoshida, the original creator of Bunny Girl Senpai and Pet Girl of Sakurasou.

-Shinsuke Oonishi, who wrote a large chunk of the script for Zetsuen no Tempest, aka the current worst anime I’ve ever seen.

-Keigo Koyanagi, who not only was also responsible for Zetsuen no Tempest’s script, but additionally worked as the series composer for fucking SHIELD HERO.

And as if all that wasn’t enough “what the fuck” for you, here’s the absolute kicker: Guess who did the fucking series composition.

Go on, guess.

You got your guess?

Okay. Here’s the answer.

*ahem*

THE SERIES COMPOSER WAS MARI OKADA.

No, I am not shitting you. The cherry on top of this repulsive shit sundae is that M3′s creator was none other than Mari Goddamn Motherfucking Okada herself. Folks, I just about lost my ever-loving shit. I was cackling with manic glee as I peeled back more and more layers of this rotting onion. Two of the writers responsible for my least favorite anime ever? The guy behind one of 2019′s most repulsive breakout hits? MARI FUCKING OKADA?!?! There is not a single universe in which this combination makes sense. And yet, in a twisted, fucked-up way, it also kind of makes perfect sense. Wasn’t I literally just saying how much this show felt like the attitudes of the worst anime I’ve seen, including Zetsuen no Tempest? Doesn’t it make perfect sense how appallingly sexist the whole affair is now that we know the Shield Hero guy is behind it? Heck, Oonishi was also a scriptwriter on the godawful second season of Aldnoah.Zero, and here he is on yet another subpar CG mecha anime. Even Mari Okada’s influence isn’t impossible to spot; once I found out that the teens all share a psychic bond from their time in the Lightless Realm that gives them access to each other’s thoughts and emotions, whether they like it or not, the immediate connection I made was, “Wow, this feels like a bargain bin Kiznaiver.” WELL, NO FUCKING SURPRISE, THEN. Considering M3 came out two years before Kiznaiver, it’s like Okada hated how this version of that idea turned out so badly, she decided to try it all over again without four men of questionable writing caliber fucking everything up. I am fucking fascinated by by this connection. If I had a chance, I would love to get Okada behind closed doors and ask her just what the fuck happened behind the scenes of this show. I would kill to get her impressions of how it turned out. Were her hands tied? Too many cooks in the kitchen? How much of what ended up on screen was her original intent, and how much was the result of everyone else’s contributions? As messy a writer as Okada can be, I cannot imagine this is what she wanted this show to be.

Sheer Unadulterated Hate

Yes, I am absolutely stalling for time by puzzling over all this, but in my defense, discovering that this show was a result of this was the nightmarish alchemy of different creators was the single most entertaining thing I’ve experienced since I started watching this garbage fire. I need to find amusement where I can here. Otherwise, I’m not gonna fucking survive eighteen more episodes of this shit. Good fucking hell, this show is awful. I could spend the entire rest of this post doing nothing but listing all the ways it makes me mad. So you know what? That’s exactly what we’re gonna fucking do. What even is there to say about the plot or characters? The plot doesn’t matter. The characters don’t matter. The themes barely matter and are as basic-bitch as one can get regardless. When I analyze shows, I talk about the things that stood out to me, what I feel is the core essence of a work, for good or ill. And in M3′s case, that core essence is all the infinite, misogynistic, appallingly stupid ways it pisses me off. This show does not deserve a kind, considerate analysis. It deserves to have the skin flayed off its back and be crucified for its sins against good taste everywhere. It deserves brutality. It deserves my sheer, frothing rage. So that’s exactly what it’s gonna fucking get. Here, in no particular order, are all the reasons (so far) that M3: The Dark Metal sucks so horrendously:

-The love triangle between Akashi, Emiru and whatsherface is dumb, shitty and pointless, because we’re never given a reason why Emiru should be attracted to him. She just starts crushing on him right off the bat for no reason and we’re told we’re supposed to care about that just on principle, despite both characters being unfathomaby unlikable.

-Mahmu, the only moderately interesting character, has already gone from vicious murder gremlin to “hurr durr big booby panty shot shy scaredy cat make me hard,” because apparently there’s nothing sexier than a helpless girl who can’t do anything without Your(tm) help and also accidentally flashes her goodies a lot for your enjoyment. (Your(tm), of course, referring to the presumed straight male audience.)

-Akashi cannot stop talking down to his female classmates, especially Emiru, who he gets to call “incompetent” on a near-episodic basis.

-A potentially interesting backstory for Emiru- she grew up so devoid of human connection that guys lusting after her body gives her a pathetic kind of fulfillment, which she’s self-aware enough to realize is fucked up- is ruined by the show itself not giving a shit about any of the girls except for their bodies.

-In all the action scenes, the guys always jump in front of the girls and take all the action while the girls hang back and do nothing, and it’s never questioned.

-Emiru is assaulted and degraded by the psycho murdered while naked in the bath, in a scene with thuddingly obvious rape overtones and sexualizing, leery camera angles. She proceeds to be degraded all throughout the next episode in gross, exploitative fashion, and the show shoves your face in every rancid detail of it.

-As if that wasn’t enough, we also get to see Emiru’s body and mind being violated in graphic detail when she turns into a monster, because this show looooooooves traumatizing women and their bodies to be Dark(tm) and Edgy(tm).

-And just to cap this whole shitshow off, the psycho responsible for Emiru’s degradation and death faces no repercussions whatsoever. Because in this world, taking known serial killers who break out of prison by brutally slaughtering police and giving them access to military-grade weaponry and free reign to prey on their teammates is just common sense. Yes, even after the military has all the evidence to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Emiru’s breakdown was a result of Heito relentlessly abusing and assaulting her, he just shows up in class the next day and no one has a single fucking thing to say to him.

Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary fellows of the jury, I rest my case in the trial of The People vs M3: The Dark Metal. I am certain I have given you all the evidence necessary to prove its guilt. Do your duty, citizens, and condemn this show to the pits of Tartarus where it belongs. And please, for the love of god, do not even think about tracking down this show to watch it for yourself. There is no hope. Only suffering. Get out while you still can.

Odds and Ends

-”I detest her eyes.” Because we can’t have one female character in this show who isn’t shamed right off the bat. Fuck you, show.

-Her: “Take your hands off my ass.” Him: *hands are on her thighs and not even close to her ass*

-”The truth is I annoy you.” Listen, when I’m agreeing with the evil parents in a tragic backstory flashback, something has gone horribly wrong.

-Who runs into the forest like a fucking moron after a nightmare Jesus Christ Emiru

-”Have we met before?” “You trying to pick me up?” Okay, that made me chuckle.

-Alright, that was a nice moment with the shooting stars and them silently sharing their fear. More of that, please.

-”Why... are you smiling?” WOOOOOW FUCK THIS GUY

-”Come on! Up high!” Please, save this show for me.

-Yeah, seriously lame of you not to recognize the obvious warning signs that she needed help. Suffer for it. Suffer.

-Oh, what’s with this Discount Evangelion battle music?

Eighteen episodes. Eighteen more godforsaken episodes. HELP.

[cjrae]

Fear And Loathing In Los Angeles; Or, When did Lucifer forgive Chloe?

So, something that’s been sticking with me are questions that I’ve seen popping up around Tumblr looking for clarification about Chloe conspiring with Kinley and whether Lucifer has (or even should) forgive her.

Spoiler alert, if you’ve watched Season 4 the answer is yes, Lucifer has forgiven Chloe. However, I think there’s actually something to the argument that he doesn’t fully forgive her until the climax of 4x10. After all, Lucifer continues to throw Kinley in Chloe’s face multiple times throughout the back half of the season. That’s not dialogue of someone who’s completely forgiven the other person.

Others have pointed out that the whole point of 4x05 is to bring Chloe and Lucifer back together as partners and they’re absolutely right - there is a certain amount of forgiveness that happens within that episode.

The big question is; what exactly has Lucifer forgiven and when?

The Plot To Send Lucifer To Hell

Chloe’s betrayal of Lucifer is actually not her working with Kinley to send him back to hell. The fact that she doesn’t actually go through with the plan to drug him is irrelevant to the hurt that she causes. But, because it’s the physical action that represents her betrayal, it’s easy for the audience (and Chloe herself) to try to backpedal and say that she almost betrayed Lucifer, but in the end, she trusted her own judgment and put a stop to it.

There’s no doubt that Lucifer is hurt by the plan to send him back to the one place he’s spent so much effort to escape forever, but Kinley’s plan exposes the real betrayal - the fact that Chloe is terrified of him. Worse - that she pretended not to be and lied to him that she had processed seeing his Devil face and that “what I saw was my partner.” 

She gave him hope and then that hope was revealed to be a lie. 

Watch Lucifer’s face and body language after Chloe screams the line, “Because I’m terrified!” Before that he’s hurt, he’s angry, but he’s facing her and prepared to have this fight out. He’s willing to fight for their relationship until this moment. But that line is the betrayal. Because the poison that’s been introduced is fear - and that can’t be removed as easily as Kinley’s vial. 

That’s the moment he turns his back, unable to look at her except to finally confront her once more with incontrovertible proof of his identity after she tries to deny to him that he is the Devil. Cain’s words must be ringing in his ears at this moment. “Neither can you.” He’s been running from the Devil ever since his Fall.

But he can’t escape who he is, and the fact of the matter is that his past glee in “sowing chaos and destruction for his own amusement,” has grown into every awful story that has terrified Chloe – with good reason. Indeed, arguably the most famous of those seeds is going to show up in the final scene of 4x03, when Eve steps into LUX. 

Apologies

Ella puts her finger on Lucifer’s pain in 4x05 - that idea that Chloe doesn’t care about him anymore. After all, she certainly wasn’t acting like she cared in front of him in 4x04 - she flat out told him she didn’t actually need him, she used his help and then left him without the necklace he needed to fulfill his end of the deal. From his perspective, it must feel like she only wants him back to work when she needs something, like one of his vintage cars.

When Marco bursts into LUX, demanding to be given a chance to apologize to his ex-wife it is, as always with the procedural elements, symbolic for the apology that Chloe owes Lucifer. When Leona comes in and apologizes to Marco for ghosting him, it’s powerful - until the apology is proven false. Chloe is confronted with a mirror in the form of Leona, using what Marco desperately wanted to hear as a distraction to get close enough to kill him. And Chloe doesn’t much like what she sees.

Her apology in the famous ax scene of 4x02 is important for her (and her realization that Kinley is wrong), but it doesn’t actually address the hurt that she caused because Lucifer had no idea what she was actually apologizing for. The act of throwing herself between Lucifer and the anticipated explosion serves the purpose, even as she ostensibly says “I’m sorry” for hurting him by landing on top of his wound.

Through the show we’ve seen Lucifer literally die for Chloe - this is the first time that she actively proves to him that she would do the same for him, without hesitation, since knowing exactly who and what he is.  It’s the ax scene in reverse. Ella’s lines echo in parallel to Lucifer’s declaration;

“You two care about each other so much! What do you need her to do, take a bullet for you?”

“And I would do it again. And again. Don’t you know that, Detective?”

The core of their relationship may be a raw, exposed nerve right now, but it’s still there and intact. Having proof that she still cares that deeply is enough that Lucifer can forgive her for her direct actions in response to her terror - actively considering hurting him and lying to him.

But that amount of forgiveness is only enough to rescue their partnership. The core betrayal – her fear - remains.

Diet Devil

The second half of the season opens with Lucifer tearing himself in two in order to keep Chloe from being frightened. 

Eve is absolutely right when she points out that Lucifer has been holding himself back, just mistaken about his motives. She conflates the self-restraint Lucifer has learned with his simmering resentment at Chloe only being able to accept the pieces of him that she views as “good” - resentment that finally spills over when Lucifer confesses to Chloe that he’s the one who broke Julian’s back. 

Lucifer has spent months being patient, careful, considerate and feels like he’s barely treading water. In 4x07 he confronts her with the Devil at his coldest and most cutting, not caring anymore whether he scares her. He dares her to reject him again so he can finally snap the tension and drown his pain and self-loathing in the Devil that Eve is encouraging him to be. 

This moment is the turning point for Chloe. This is the moment that she sees Lucifer at his absolute worst - wrathful, vengeful, seemingly proud of what he’s done and absolutely daring her to criticize him for it.

Instead of crumbling against his resentment and anger the way she would have at the beginning of the season, she stands her ground. Lucifer is the one who flees back to his penthouse with Eve to “plan” Tiernan’s punishment, already stalling in the face of Chloe’s disappointment in him.

Chloe Decker, a “nobody,” holds the Devil to account with no power except her faith in Lucifer’s conscience. 

By the end of the episode, her faith is justified - and she’s finally capable of confronting Kinley on her own, no longer frightened and lost, but secure in her faith that Lucifer is a good man - which she throws in Kinley’s face. 

Once again, Kinley attempts to use fear to bring Chloe back into line by telling her about the prophecy, appealing to her best instincts to protect others, the corner of his mouth twitching in an aborted smile when he sees her respond to “Lucifer’s first love,” knowing that he’s succeeded in frightening her.

Except this time Chloe goes straight to Lucifer to confide in him.

Lucifer himself doesn’t quite appreciate this at the time because seeing her afraid at all rubs him the wrong way, as does the fact that she tells him about going to see Kinley after the fact. His own fear swamps him, encouraging him to be sarcastic and her throw her complicity in the plan to send him to Hell in her face as a visceral way to remind her not to trust Kinley. While he’s forgiven her actions, Kinley himself has become a symbol of Chloe’s fear of him, which he has not yet forgiven.

In fact, I’d argue that it’s not possible for him to forgive Chloe yet because the offense is ongoing. We the audience can see that she IS conquering her fear and re-learning who her partner is from the ground up – every part of him this time. But acceptance is an ongoing process and Lucifer is far from objective on the subject. 

Where Is My Beast?

If 4x07 is where Chloe sees Lucifer at his worst, 4x09 is when she confronts the monster. As each individual piece of Lucifer transforms, Chloe handles it, not with perfect calm, but by confronting and conquering her fear to focus on helping Lucifer – and proving that she does know exactly who Lucifer is, responding to the question that was put to her in the previous episode with actions, not words.

At no point does she kick him off the case, despite him falling into his usual pattern of projecting his issues onto it or the fact that his transformation is becoming increasingly difficult to hide.

Instead of letting him brood in his penthouse, she arranges a masquerade party for the sting so that Lucifer can go downstairs masked when his Devil face inevitably pops out because she knows just how social Lucifer is and that being alone will only make him spiral down faster.

When he loses control of his mojo and the masquerade at LUX turns into a nightmare, Chloe is there to take control, shepherding Lucifer to safety while also having the presence of mind to keep her ear to the ground for the case and asking the question “Why did you desire...” when Lucifer is unable to make eye contact.

When Beth verbalizes Lucifer’s own self-hatred, his Devil face is fully out - and while he walks behind Beth’s back, Chloe watches him without a hint of fear - only concern. 

The full transformation DOES shock her, and she has trouble looking at him - and that’s by design. His full transformation is designed to shock and terrify anyone who looks at him, including demons. The camera is very careful to watch Chloe’s face when Lucifer steps out, fully transformed. We see her eyes widen in horror and she takes a step back before looking away (echoing the initial fight in 4x03), before focusing on how she deliberately looks back at Lucifer when he says “I’m poison to anyone who dares to care about me. And especially you.” 

This is where the traditional Beauty and the Beast recognition of the man and the beast being the same person has been shuffled and flipped on its head. Chloe’s been struggling to reconcile what has felt to her like the two opposite sides of Lucifer’s personality – the good man (angel) that she knows and the monster (Devil) that is lurking underneath. This is the moment that the two sides merge for her – when she realizes that the beast is a manifestation of Lucifer’s declared self-hatred. 

What does she do? The exact opposite of running away. She goes after Lucifer. She’s able to use her own journey to acceptance to help him start down the path of his own. This is the first moment they both begin to reap the fruit of the season’s emotional labor. Lucifer’s revelation that he doesn’t want to be trapped in this destructive cycle anymore allows the Beast to melt away, revealing the man underneath to Chloe and finally allowing Lucifer full control over his body.

The Vial Reappears

The pure joy that Lucifer exhibits in the beginning of 4x10 is just as much about Chloe having demonstrated that she won’t run away from the monster as it is his overly optimistic hope that wanting to forgive himself is the same thing as actually doing it. Which is why he’s so startled when he seems to run smack into the exact same issues with Chloe that’s been plaguing them all season – and in response, backslides.

Chloe seems to care enough to face her fear of the monster, but Lucifer can’t bear her pulling away in the aftermath. So, he promises her that she’ll “never have to see anything monstrous ever again.” He shoots down her idea to bring Dan and Ella into the loop because of how long it takes to recover (or not recover) from that kind of revelation, making it utterly clear to Chloe that he believes that he’s damaged her permanently.

Meanwhile, Chloe’s had a better bead on the threat that Hell represents since she heard Kinley’s prophecy. Where Lucifer used the prophecy as an excuse to break up with Eve, Chloe has put the pieces together and recognized that if;

a.) The Devil is a good man and b.) demons could potentially roam the earth then, c.) what logically follows is that the Devil would have to do something about it.

The Devil is no longer a threat because he’s a monster. The Devil is a threat because it’s the title of the responsibilities that could take Lucifer away from her.

Of course, Chloe is terrible at articulating all of this. No one can blame Lucifer for interpreting the scene at the penthouse as Chloe’s fear of him once again coming to the forefront, even as she tries to backtrack and say what she actually means. In trying to protect him, she’s ripped open the old wound.

Once again, she’s been keeping something important from him, working on her own instead of with him as her partner and, once again, Kinley is the cause.

At this point, Lucifer’s had it. Even in expressing his irritation there’s fatigue and resignation - he’s given up and accepted that Chloe doesn’t want to handle the monster and that she shouldn’t be forced to do so just to satisfy his own need for acceptance.

The fact that Lucifer has kept Kinley’s vial hidden in his safe all this time is symbolic of the fact that he hasn’t finished letting any of this go yet. He’s got a perfectly good explanation for why he had it, but it’s a kernel of poison hidden deep within the heart of his home. A hidden reminder to him that even the person he loves most could turn on him. And, just as symbolically, it’s ripped out of his home by force.

Kinley’s plot to send Lucifer back to Hell has come full circle and now threatens a baby – the definition of an innocent victim. There’s no more avoiding the subject; Lucifer needs to know exactly what the full plan was to send him to Hell and how he phrases it is interesting – his tone is accusing, but he uses the past tense. “Back when you wanted me in Hell?”

This is the first time Chloe defends herself. “Well, as you know, I didn’t go through with it.” Pointing out to him that by the time he found out about the plot, she had already abandoned it, recognizing that she was wrong.

It doesn’t really buy her any quarter, now does it? The expression on Lucifer’s face never changes because the roofie was never the real issue. But, with the vial gone, he’s able to acknowledge that the incident is in the past and confront it head on with Chloe to save Charlie.

Forgiveness And Acceptance

It’s not until Chloe abandons all thought of common sense or good timing, going in to check on Lucifer (despite him telling her explicitly to say outside), with the two symbols of her fear literally behind them – the vial on the altar and what’s left of Kinley – that they come full circle.

“I don’t want you to see me like this. I know it scares you.” His voice is harsh, still shaking with battle adrenaline and terror, his body language braced for rejection.  

Finally, Chloe is able to spit the truth out - and is immediately called on to prove it. The actual monsters are swarming them and the only thing that can save them all is an even bigger monster. This isn’t Lucifer transformed in the penthouse, where he’s doing his very best to not threaten her, his voice still perfectly familiar and dripping with self-loathing.

This is the first time Chloe sees Lucifer as the King of Hell in the moment he reclaims the title.

His wings are outstretched to intimidate, his voice booms with the power to instantly command his subjects to kneel leaving him completely unrecognizable. He can’t afford to focus on her in that moment, but the camera can.

She’s NOT calm. Her eyes are wide, she’s gasping slightly and she’s trembling. But she does not look away – her eyes stay RIGHT on him until she sees the demons obey and she glances around as they fall. Then she looks back and she sees Lucifer, staring at her, his heart in his throat.

This time the question, “Can you accept me like this?” is silent. And so is her answer – her mouth closes, she stands up straight and she smiles at him.

She’s proud of him in that moment. And her pride in him reinforces his own pride. That tiny nod he gives Chloe at the end, when she’s not just declared that her fear is gone but proved it? That’s the moment Lucifer forgives her entirely. Because that’s the moment she’s made the only restitution Lucifer would accept – her own acceptance of him.

So, Your Point?

Forgiveness and acceptance are major themes of Season 4 and they’re not easy to achieve, nor can they happen in a single moment. One of Lucifer’s biggest mistakes of the season is trying to force the issue of his identity with Chloe.

Forgiveness requires not only the recognition of wrong, but also action to be taken to address the cause of the offense. It is an active process, not a passive gift that can simply be given out as a reward for good behavior.

Acceptance, like forgiveness, is also an active process that can’t be rushed. Neither Chloe nor Lucifer receive the rewards of their emotional labor until the very end, when they have both forgiven and accepted each other as they are. Lucifer finally receives Chloe’s love and Chloe finally sees Lucifer’s angel wings. It’s bittersweet, but earned.

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E1 (Pilot)

Is it a smart idea to rewatch glee again? No.

Am I going to do it anyway? You bet your sweet bippy I am!

Am I going to liveblog my garbage monkey brain thoughts along the way even though nobody asked for it? Hell yeah.

Here goes!

Wow. The first frame of this entire show is literally of a woman who looks like she’s about 10 years above the natural lifespan of a Cheerio. Then again, I’m sure Sue’s not above holding back her best recruits for multiple years because Ohio high schools are apparently just Like That™

I also never notice this opening song was a remix of Keep Me Hangin On, wow. That’s actually kind of interesting foreshadowing of sorts, like, kind of smart. I’m glad I’m watching the part of Glee that was kind of smart.

This scene also doesn’t feature any of the Unholy Trinity as far as I can see. Are they a JV squad? Am I putting too much thought into this?

Sign #1 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Really, my guy? Driving around with your muffler dragging on the ground so bad it’s making sparks? That’s not very Road Safety of you. Fuck off. 

Sign #2 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Wow, there’s going to be a lot of these, huh? Anyway, anybody with working eyes would clearly see how scared Kurt is right now. “Making some new friends Kurt?” Fuck off. 

KURT. FIRST SIGHTING OF THE BOY. What a delight. But also, not a delight, because he’s being bullied and he deserves better. Look at his outfit. Iconic from day fucking one. 

Finn, you’re a himbo. What’re you doing with these assholes?

Puck’s first line in the whole series is “It’s hammer time!” What a fucking dork? Who made this boy popular. 

DO MORE THAN TAKE HIS COAT, FINN. LET HIM GOOOOO!!!

I paused while they were tossing Kurt in the dumpster and, wow, got the most hilarious frame where the guy who isn’t Puck is getting a meticulously polished boot to the face. Netflix let me take screenshots, you coward.

The first shot of Quinn... My wlw bones are shaking.

Why would they use that photo for Lillian Adler...? WHO WAS BORN IN 1937, MIGHT I ADD. THAT’S NOT A REAL YEAR. 

It’s weird to see Mr Schue actually speaking competent Spanish. Why did they veto that later? The ONE likeable thing about him was his competence as a school teacher, and they really threw it out the window huh?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE MEMBERS OF SANDY RYERSON’S GLEE CLUB??? This kid seems to really like singing. Also, welcome to the beginning of Ryerson being annoying as all hell.

Oh my gosh, the background choir stuff. This show really had style back in the day!!!

R A C H E L B E R R Y Y O U R M A K E U P ! ! !

Ken Tanaka walked so incels could run.

Jane Lynch you beauty. You absolutely impeccable beauty. 

“Since when are cheerleaders performers?” Uh... Emma...? I get that Sue’s going ham on her budget but, like, be nice to the students? They perform their butts off!

Sue really just BRAGGED about having an iPhone. I was 9 when this came out. Why do I feel old...

Sign #3 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: He hears his coworker, presumably of several years, just got fired and doesn’t even ask why. He just jumps on the glee club like a frog on hot asphalt. 

He really wants to Make The Glee Club Great Again, huh? 

MySpace was really a thing, huh? And why does this grown-ass male teacher know so much about the students having them?

I know nothing about actual American schools, but I do know that they sure as shit don’t work like this. Why does a club have to win EVERY competition to be considered an asset?

Mr Shoe really lying awake at night half-naked next to his wife thinking about the glee club already? Yeah sounds about right. Also, of course you’d think up Nude Erections for a name, you asshole. Put some clothes on.

R E S P E C T MERCEDES YES!!!

Brad the piano player was really here from day ONE... Icon.

Cellophane, Mr Cellophane... Yes Kurt bby you killed it. 

Chris Colfer looks so YOUNG here!!! 

The hair fix... I C O N I C !

Tina really wrote her stutter down, huh? And nobody ever saw through it? Amazing. 

The goth Tina look, too... Perfect... Never change...

Say what you want about Rachel Berry being generally insufferable, but I really fucking feel it when she sings On My Own. The monologue kind of kills The Drama of it, but they really solidly established her character by layering them. She really is a gold star right now.

The first-ever on-screen slushie!

The way she walks down that hall. My God you can just see how terrible she is to be around.

Never forget Rachel staring at photos of her with two men who turned out to not be her dads. Who are they? What are their stories? We’ll never know.

God, I love this stupid scene of Quinn, Santana, and a bunch of Cheerios cartoonishly typing hate comments on Rachel’s MySpace video and laughing like knock-off Disney villains. 

I like watching season 1 Artie because season 1 Artie was a good character. Mostly. And he KILLED Sit Down, You’re Rocking The Boat. Rachel wasn’t asking for a male lead who could keep up with her vocally, she was being straight up ableist and that’s a fact. I love Cory, but Kevin McHale was always a better singer.

Mercedes picking up and spinning Rachel for this little routine is something I never really appreciated before, it’s cute even though they don’t like each other yet!

I really don’t get why Rachel says they suck. Yeah, sure, she’s gunning for a solo, but the vocals were solid there. The choreo was just a little janky, possibly because it’s their first EVER rehearsal?

“There is NOTHING ironic about show choir!” Incredible.

How long did it take Mr Shoe to find Rachel out on the bleachers? Did he search the whole school first?

ARTIE! CAN! KEEP! UP! WITH! YOU! VOCALLY!

I never understood Rachel quitting so soon. How long was she in the old glee club for? Surely they were never popular either?

Ah, the first “My hands are tied” for the series. Mr Figgins is a garbage principal. 

Not going to advise the principal against referring to Artie as a cripple, William Shoestir? Alright. 

How did the Schuester marriage last as long as it has? Do Will and Terri’s insufferable personalities just cancel one another out?

Sandy Ryerson really just openly brags about cheating the system for medical marijuana and dealing it? 

Matt Morrison 100% has lip fillers. Nobody’s smile curls like that naturally.

“Terri and I are trying to get pregnant” What a weird way to phrase it. What is it, a race? Who’s going to get knocked up first!

A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN, HOW I’VE MISSED YOU... The sound design of this show at this point is just... *Chef hand kiss*

“What you’re doing right now is called blurring the lines” Oh just wait until season 4, Sue... Just you wait.

WHY is Mr Schuester so ridiculously sweaty? I didn’t need to think about that?

EVERYONE on the football team is 30.

William Schuester you can’t just watCH TEENAGE STUDENTS SING IN THE SHOWER YOU ARE A TEACHER WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE?! 

Hearing Cory sing this always makes me emotional. What a talent!

Sign #4 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: I don’t think I need to say why using the weed to blackmail Finn is a shitty thing to do, do I?

“I’ll pee in a cup! ...I’ll pee...” I love Cory’s delivery. 

PRIORITY #1: HELP THE KIDS Oh season 1... I love you so.

Mr Schue you WISH you were anything like Finn Hudson. You never will be.

Ah... Finn’s first monologue. He’s such a sweetheart. AND SO IS CAROLE. Carole is a queen I will stan forever. YOU THROW THAT MILK BB!!!

All Finn wants to do is make his mom proud. What a sweetheart. Mr Schue you do NOT deserve him.

These POV shots really enhance things, why the fuck did they stop using them?

Subtly having Kurt look at Finn in the same shot as Rachel was a nice touch indeed!

RACHEL WAS REALLY DOWN WITH ROLLING ARTIE RIGHT OFF THE STAGE HUH?

Terri’s a straight up hoarder, huh? Like a raccoon but instead of collecting edible garbage, it’s monogrammed garbage.

Surely you can’t just... BECOME an accountant, right? You need some serious qualifications for that right?

Also say what you want about how insufferable Terri is but her actress is ridiculously talented and absolutely steals every scene she’s in.

Now the background choir is doing Soul Bossa Nova and I am L I V I N G why didn’t they keep that motif!!! It was so ICONIC!

I don’t need my prostate removed. RIP Carole Hudson but I’m different :/

NO MEANS NO, KEN! TAKE THE L AND MOVE ON! Way to take out the fact that a girl won’t date you on everybody else around you! Toxic bastard. The absolute stench of melodrama on this bastard is noxious.

I was going to ask why Rachel didn’t know about Finn and Quinn if they’d already been together for 4 months, but then I remembered gossiping requires friends...

“Terri rides me. Hard. And I’ve always appreciated it!” Why don’t we talk about how this line sounds more. Why doesn’t Emma bat an eye at it oh my god

HERE COMES VOCAL ADRENALINE!!! And Jesse St. James is nowhere to be seen. How convenient. Also, they’re all 30. I’m sensing a pattern.

Sorry VA, all songs popularised my Amy Winehouse legally belong to Santana Lopez

Puck, if you were stupid enough to fall for the prostate excuse, that’s on you. Or maybe it’s on the education system...

You can do better that Mr Schue, kids. Don’t mourn him.

Ok, what the fuck is this scene where he’s filling out the job app to become an accountant? There’s a dude in the row in front off him just throwing crisps around? What is this place?? Why are you here sir??? 

“Accounting is sexy” shut up you horrible married man

The Cheerios sure did have straight ponytails for like, one episode, huh?

Finn is such a good boy. He doesn’t know it yet, but he is, and saving Artie from that portapotty is his first step to figuring it out.

This shot of Finn just wheeling Artie out of there... Ugh. My HEART.

KURT WHAT ARE THOSE LAYERS? SWEATER SHIRT SWEATER? HELLO???

Pee balloons. Nailing the lawn furniture to the roof. Finn, you’re better than that!!! Stop your dudebros. 

They really had Artie be a guitar player, and a pretty good one at that, but they never mentioned it again? Artie had such potential SMH. (Also, Netflix subtitles are telling me it’s Arty, but I categorically refuse to spell it that way.)

Whyyyyy didn’t he go to KURT for the costumes as well? Look at his outfit, Finn. He clearly wants in on that job. 

Will Schuester really is just desperately clinging to his glory days in high school. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t such a creep about it. 

Emma, meaningfully: Do you know who that is? That’s you, Will... [FRANTIC DISCO MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

I find it hilarious how the audio of Don’t Stop Believin’ just DOES NOT match the characters except for the solos... Also wow, autotune city. Am I awful for genuinely not liking this cover? 

I like watching them perform it though. Kurt’s adorable little shimmy... Rachel and Tina smiling at each other like that... Everybody having a blast... I’m here for it

LOOK AT MY BABIES TILTING THOSE MIC STANDS...

Ok the way Rachel and Finn look at each other here is making me FEEL

I know Puck’s about to join anyway but WHY is he there watching... Just to have a mysterious bad boy moment? Lol you dramatic bastard

Please let them win nationals without you, Will.

So, yeah! There’s that! Those are my thoughts and feelings, basic though they may be. Episode one is fantastic, the kids are fantastic, and William Schuester can suck a toe. 

[timetravelingheart]

Consequences Chapter Two: A.M. Imagine

Mitch and Auston had been friends for nearly five years now. They roomed together on the road, hung out at each other’s places on off days, carpooled to the arena together on game days, vacationed together on by-weeks and summer holidays, and even spent holidays with each other’s families once in a while. 

There was very little by now that they did not know about each other. From their favourite pizza toppings and last Netflix binge-watch to future fears and childhood memories, these boys tended to share everything with one another.

So it came as a surprise to Mitch as he sat in the driver’s seat next to Auston that his best friend was, for lack of a better word, fidgety. In the short ten minutes that they had been in the car together, Auston had opened and closed the same 5 apps on his phone at least 10 times, started typing texts but never sent them, spun his phone in his hands, tossed it from one hand to the other, changed the radio station 4 times only to go back to the original station, and was essentially making Mitch’s car feel like it was enduring an earthquake with the speed and force his left leg was bouncing up and down. 

“So,” Mitch hesitantly started, stifling a laugh at Auston’s little jump of surprise at the noise, as if only now remembering he had company. “Nervous to see Tessa tonight?”

“No,” Auston denied, a little too forcefully. “What would make you think that?”

Mitch simply shrugged and then reached over and clamped a hand on Auston’s bouncing leg, forcing it to stop. 

“Fine, whatever,” Auston shrugged, trying to pretend that it was nothing important. “I just get the vibe that we made her uncomfortable by saying we’d show up the same club as her friend’s party.”

“Tessa seems pretty cool though. And her friend seemed excited that we were joining.”

Auston said nothing. So Mitch tried again.

“Are you sure this isn’t because she turned you down the other day?”

When Auston went to deny, Mitch leveled him with a knowing look. Auston relented.

“It’s not even that she said no - she didn’t even remotely think about it or give a reason. Just...’no’“. 

“But didn’t she say it was because she didn’t want to?”

“Sure, sure,” Auston waved his hand dismissively. “But that’s not a reason. Not a clear one, at least.”

“It sounds pretty clear to me, man. Maybe she has other things going on, or she’s dating someone else?”

“How did you know she would say no?”

“What?” Mitch turned back to him, confused. 

“That day. You said you didn’t think she’d say yes. Why not?”

Mitch sighed. This really wasn’t the conversation he was expecting to have on the way to a fun night out with his old friends and maybe some new friends. Steph was away for the weekend and he just wanted a fun night out with the boys, no drama. 

“Look, I don’t know Tessa that well, I’ve only met her a few times in passing and at Launchpad events, so whatever I say can’t really be vetted for complete accuracy.”

He paused, hoping it would have persuaded Auston to move on. But, his best friend was stubborn and occasionally (to the surprise of many) insecure, so he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Auston waited impatiently, leg bouncing again. 

“First, the easiest way I kind of had insight that she’d turn you down - I’ve seen it happen twice before. She doesn’t say anything more than no and just expects the other person to move on because she won’t offer more of a reason than what you got. 

Second, I’ve also heard a few of the volunteers with Launchpad talk about you and some of the other single guys on the team.”

“Talk about us? How?”

“Either they’re girls you’ve hooked up with, girls you’ve just talked to at bars, or they’re friends with or know of girls you’ve hooked up with and never called back. You don’t have the best rep, bud.”

Auston groaned, taking off his black baseball cap and running a large hand through his hair in frustration. 

“I never gave any of those girls the impression I would call back.”

“Yeah, I know. But you have to see how those stories, over and over again, would make someone hesitant. Look, were you thinking of asking Tessa out just to sleep with her? I’m not judging, you know that. But is that what it was?”

“No. I was obviously attracted to her, but I legit wanted to go on a date. She seemed like an awesome girl for that time we spent with her and I wanted to get to know her better.”

“Okay. So what’s the plan tonight?”

“Try again? And also try not to fuck up.”

“Solid plan,” Mitch clapped a large hand back on Auston’s bouncing leg in a show of support. 

__

“T,” Lydia called over the music on the dance floor. “Look who finally showed up.”

Tessa turned her head to the entrance, catching the four hockey players walking through the door and immediately scoping out the place. She turned back to Lydia, shrugged, and raised her drink in a toasting motion. She wasn’t about to let them become her night or ruin her night. 

When the song ended, the girls made their way back to their table at the back to see the birthday girl doing birthday shots in all her glory. They took seats at the end of the table to finish off their drinks. 

“Are you going to go up to them?” Lydia asked. 

“Go up to who?” Tessa played dumb. Lydia shot her an unimpressed look. “No. We’re here for Claud. They will probably find some other girls to latch on to for the night anyway.”

“Aren’t most of them in relationships?”

“Mitch definitely is. Kasperi is questionable at best. Auston and William are single, as far as I know.”

“Ahh, so what you meant to say was that Auston will probably find some other girls to latch on to.”

“And William.”

“Right, right, and William,” Lydia nodded disbelievingly. “Honey, I don’t know who you’re trying to kid here. Are you seriously not even remotely attracted to Auston?”

Tessa couldn’t help but turn her head to scan the room for the four boys. They were pretty easy to spot, hanging out at a table not to far from their own. William and Kasperi were talking to two attractive women while Mitch and Auston sat on the other end of the table occasionally talking amongst themselves. She had to admit, he really was attractive. She understood that he likely got a lot of women based on his status in the city, but he also wasn’t hard to look at. She watched as his large hand brought a beer up to his lips, and continued watching as he swallowed the drink, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Fuck. Get it together. Feeling the heat rise in her face, she started to turn back to Lydia only to catch Auston’s eye. His look of surprise turned into an easy, and perhaps slightly nervous, smile. Busted. 

She cleared her throat and took a sip of her own drink before turning back to Lydia, who had watched the entire scene unfold before her with glee. 

“Well, I guess that answers my question,” she laughed heartily. 

“Shut it,” Tessa replied, trying to mask her own laughter. 

As the night went on, the girls eventually made their way back to the bar to order drinks with a plan to then hit the dance floor again. As they were waiting for their drinks, Auston and Mitch walked up behind them. 

“Tessa, Lydia, you girls look awesome,” Mitch complimented them, reaching out for quick hugs. 

“Thanks, you guys look great too,” Lydia responded, finally getting her drink. She gave what she hoped was a subtle nod to Mitch to get him to move with her over to the side, pushing Auston and Tessa together and hopefully forcing them to talk.

Auston and Tessa stood awkwardly in silence, Tessa occasionally looking back for her drink and basically anywhere that wasn’t Auston. Finally, she broke the silence. 

“So, the season is turning out pretty well for you guys so far,” she figured hockey was a safe bet. 

“Yeah, it’s good,” Auston responded. He wanted to say more, to ask more, but it felt like his brain was malfunctioning. He watched as she stared up at him confusion, waiting for him to continue. Finally, the bartender called for her drink and Auston was saved from her withering gaze. Was this just because she really was one of the first girls to just blatantly turn him down? He was usually better than this. Get it together. 

“But I talk about hockey all the time, so let’s not talk about that,” he finally continued, gesturing for them to move slightly away from the crowded bar. When he went to turn around to check that she followed him, he used too much force and knocked right into her outstretched hand that had been holding her drink. He watched in horror as half of the clear liquid spilled down the front of her black lace top. 

“Shit shit shit, I’m so sorry,” Auston rambled, immediately reaching for napkins on the tall table behind him. He reached forward to dry her off, only realizing a little too late in his panic that he was about to touch her chest. He quickly shoved the napkins in her direction, moving to keep her at arm’s length. “Fuck me, Tessa, I’m not usually like this, I’m SO sorry.”

Tessa counted to ten. She was equal parts annoyed that she was going to be going home a sticky mess - and NOT the good kind - and equal parts endeared to his boyish nerves. The look on his face when he realized where he would have to touch her to clean her up almost sent her into a laughing fit as tears pricked her eyes. She didn’t want him to know she thought it was cute, so she kept her face and voice even.

“It’s okay,” she grabbed the napkins from him and started dabbing at her chest. Clear liquid on a black top? Should be easy enough to clean. “No harm, no foul. Maybe just keep your distance a bit though? I don’t think I want to go home smelling like the entire bar tonight,” she nodded towards the open beer he had put on the table beside him in his panic to help her. 

He let out a little ‘ha ha’ nervous laugh before steering them over to the pillar together. 

Silence. He had completely lost his train of thought. What should he say? 

Tessa waited. And waited. And finally, she grew tired of waiting.

“Okayyy,” she took a sip of her drink. “So no hockey talk. What would you like to talk about?”

Do it. Do it. Just go for it, his brain encouraged him. 

“Why did you say no the other day?”

Tessa fought to roll her eyes. Seriously?

“I thought I already gave you my reason.”

“You said you didn’t want to, but you didn’t say why you didn’t want to. I just thought I could take you out for dinner and we could get to know each other.”

“Wow,” Tessa laughed, crossing one arm over her chest as the other held her drink near her lips. “I didn’t realize that one random girl turning you down would send you into such a spin. That honestly wasn’t my intention.

But just know, ‘no’ is a full sentence. I didn’t owe you anything more than that and I still don’t.”

Auston was unable to hide the shock that crossed his face, his mouth forming a small ‘o’ shape. Tessa stood there, taking sips from her drink, staring him down, as if daring him to challenge her last cutting statement. 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to make it seem like you owed me anything. You definitely don’t. But I think you seem great and I just wanted the chance to get to know you better. Is this about my reputation?”

“Your reputation?”

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. If they were putting their cards on the table here, they were putting them all in. 

“I know you know or have at least heard a little about my experiences around Toronto with girls. I want it to be clear that all of the experiences were consensual and I never gave anyone the indication that I wanted to actually date them.”

He waited for Tessa to respond. When she didn’t, he pushed forward. 

“That’s not what I’m looking for with you, honest. I’m not looking to just hook up with you and leave you. I’m not going to hurt you, Tessa. At least not in any way that I can control. I just want a chance to get to know you. What do you say?”

Tessa sighed, not sure how to describe the emotions she was feeling over this guy she barely knew and had literally just met a few days ago. She knew she should trust her instincts, but he did seem sincere. What was a girl to do?

“I’ll think about it,” she finally said. 

“That’s all I ask.”