#i’m on adderall and a lot of caffeine right now okay

[endlessummernight]

i know the violence is already happening it’s just not happening in MY community (right now) but jesus fucking christ WHY? this planet is full of animals and flowers and food growing out of the ground water falling from the sky rainbows and waterfalls and friendship and orgasms and love and beauty and laughter and art and so much breathtaking natural wonder, and we only have what’s really just a few moments in a cosmic sense to enjoy it. we are SO small. WHY are we wasting our tiny little lives killing and fighting and torturing each other and ourselves and collectively feeling so horrible when we could have made such a paradise out of this place? for what? the bottom line? for a 10% profit margin increase? do you realize how stupid that is bitch it doesn’t matter how much money you have were all gonna fucking die!!!! we’re causing all this pain for what? a sense of superiority? bitch it doesn’t matter how superior you are over someone else we’re all gonna die the same fucking death in the end!!!!!!!! why not try to enjoy your own tiny little burst of life as much as you can instead of making other people miserable? why not try to make the world a more beautiful place instead of killing people and sucking the blood of the planet for a few more dollars (which aren’t even real anyways). you are so lucky to be experiencing life, especially with all the privileges you were born with. why are you wasting that precious time hurting someone else? disgusting psychopathic mindset that i refuse to participate in.

[clunelover]

More details on this ADD crap cause I find it interesting -

So, I think I’ve just been living with this forever and have found ways around it (or didn’t find ways around it, and that’s when I got bad grades and had to repeat some classes in grad school). It does seem though like it’s been getting worse - and that is apparently A THING! ADHD for women is very impacted by hormones. Lower estrogen makes symptoms worse. So it gets worse before and during your period, and then worse overall as you get into perimenopause and menopause. SO THAT SUCKS and might have something to do with my brain just being more and more stubborn as I try to cajole it into focusing.

Anyway, this specific project I’ve been blowing off: it’s just sort of the perfect storm of really complex data, that’s already been sort of made digestible, but not by me so I don’t understand how it came to be in its present state, and it is still confusing even in this more flattened state. Then, I’m going to be using this data for a lot of complex reporting, some of which will involve point in time data, which adds another layer of complexity (like, look at a claim right before this automated process ran, and it’s this process that creates the confusing data, and we need the point in time data to know if the automated process executed all the steps it was supposed to).

So, I’m looking at the data and going "bleh." Then I’m like "well let me look at the reporting requirements, and those can guide me" so I try to read those…"bleh" again.

With medicine, I was able to focus on the data long enough to come up with coherent questions and explain the questions to stakeholders, and they answered me and I could understand the answer, and they okayed the idea I came up with for how to condense to one row per claim, which will allow me to proceed...The "turn the million rows that are duplicated for unknown reasons, but do have some distinct elements so aren’t just straight up duplicates you can condense without a thought, but the distinct parts may not actually matter... into a sort of sensical reason they'd be duplicated and thus know how to condense" - that part I really don't know if I could have gotten through without medicine. I would have just kept looking at it and saying "idk why it looks like this...ugh I think I'll drift away from the computer." I might have been able to say something to stakeholders, but more of a general "why is this like this?" question - or "can you explain the whole process to me again?" Which sometimes DOES help me shake some inferences out, but I’d already done that twice and was starting to worry about looking stupid.

The whole mess was also complicated by the fact that right now what I am working on is the first bullet point (of 19) within the first section (of eight) of very detailed reporting requirements...and like, logically, I knew - don't look at all 500 pages of requirements, just start with this ONE bullet point - but I kept allowing it to overwhelm me. Or like, I’d think maaaaybe I needed to synthesize all 19 bullet points from that first section, in order to REALLY be able to start, but that wasn’t something my brain could do either! Just endless wheel spinning, combined with the sometimes physically painful sensation of not being able to keep my eyes pointed at my computer screen and scrutinizing what they were supposed to be.

And it took two days of adderall and concerted effort jotting notes and running test queries to get to this point! Where I still don’t actually even have anything DONE, I just know where to start.

I think now that I have this foothold I can get some stuff done without adderall, just using my usual methods of constant rewatching shows in my noise canceling headphones and overdosing on caffeine. I’m really glad I have access to occasionally use a medication that is not prescribed to me! But the whole thing is bullshit any way you slice it.

[neurobujo]

I’ve tried having morning routines in the past, but they always kind of end up getting completely fucked. Lately, though, I’ve had more luck with maintaining it. I’m trying to radically change the way I live my life and make myself healthy. Here’s what I’ve been doing lately, every morning, and keeping it up is showing some really good results:

Get up and immediately take my Adderall, so that, in a two hours max, I can function a bit. I recently had a lumbar puncture done, so I also like to take my follow-up medications with that.

In the bathroom, I put in eye-drops to help with the constant feeling of tiredness. I also use a tiny bit of caffeine solution around my eyes, and massage them for a few seconds.

Go to the kitchen, rinse off a lemon. Slice it. Put the lemon slices in a glass, then add ice, and fill the rest of the glass up with water. A glass of lemon water first thing in the morning helps with absorbing greens, which is an instrumental step in healing my iron deficiency—HOWEVER: you have to do it first thing in the morning, and before you have any sugar. I messed up today by having some Indian sweets just before filling my glass up. But it’s okay, because it’s all a learning process.

Make myself an awesome cup of homemade blended-ice coffee! :o) I will post a recipe for this later. But remember, it contains sugar! Finish your glass of lemon water BEFORE you drink any beverages with sugar.

Now that I have my coffee and my water, I do my physical therapy and my stretches. I will make a separate post explaining my yoga routine to the best of my ability, but remember to start at your own level and do what you’re comfortable with! I live an incredibly neglected and sedentary life, so I was at about level-zero when I started. Couldn’t even hold Downward Dog for more than thirty seconds without shaking and tensing so hard I couldn’t breathe or talk. If you’re at about the same level, remember that there is no shame, and this is NOT your fault.

I also try to have a second glass of water after my coffee is finished! You don’t have to put lemon in this one, but as a rule, I have two glasses of water with my cup of coffee every morning.

Once yoga is done, I put away the yoga mat and rinse out the glasses I drank from, before putting them in the dishwasher. Have a seat for a little, after this, if your legs are shaky the way mine usually are!

Then, I get back up, and I make myself a green smoothie. This is where the lemon water from earlier plays in.

I try to have it while sitting outside in the sun, wearing as little clothes as possible, to maximize intake for my vitamin-D deficiency. It’s good to get at least fifteen minutes of sunlight this way! Heat makes me sleepy, and so does bright sunlight, but the methods I’ve been using all morning to perk myself up will help balance the side-effects out.

While I’m outside, I have my BuJo (bullet journal) with me, and I plan the day out for myself. I will post a tutorial on how I use my bullet journal later on, in case you feel inclined to use the method I have personalized for myself! I will also provide a link to the tutorial by the creator of the BuJo (Ryder Carroll). For now, I’m trying to go really easy on myself, only writing down the barest non-negotiable tasks, and then attempting to chip away at the larger piles of neglect in my life. If I can’t do it, I do NOT shame myself for it. I’ll be posting a rant on why shame and self-loathing is so harmful to neurodivergents, and why it’s worth it to fight this, but that comes later down the line.

And that’s basically it! For me it takes a lot of time—five hours or so, given all the distractions (including my impulse to finally create this blog, which popped up before I could even start my yoga routine—I’m sitting on the mat and typing instead of stretching right now), but I’m hoping to narrow it down to a good two-and-a-half hours or so in the future.

The only reason I’m able to take that long, of course, is because I’m unemployed and not studying anything right now. I am in no way suggesting that everyone should be able to do this! This is just what I personally do for myself, and it helps. You can take elements from it and leave others out, depending on what you need. I’m in a very privileged position to be able to care for myself to this extent right now, and take things at a pace that my brain can handle, and I’ll fully admit that right here.

If this helps you—or even if it doesn’t, because it may help others—please give my post a reblog so that others can see it. You don’t have to tag it or add anything, but while likes show appreciation, reblogs carry the message to those who might need it.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this helps! :o)

—Ally

[jihyuncompass]

ADHD Seven/Saeyoung Headcanons

Okay so as a person with ADHD I’m a heavy believer that Seven has ADHD. So I decided to write some headcanons about it. 

As a disclaimer I am a person with ADHD so a lot of these are drawing from my own experiences with dealing with it but ADHD is an extremely complex neurodevelopmental disorder with a lot of symptoms and behaviors, so many that I can’t include them all here.

Seven/Saeyoung

Seven wasn’t diagnosed until he joined the agency. 

Seven mostly deals with a combination of hyperactive and inattentive type, however his hyperactive symptoms are much more obvious to people. 

Seven has a prescription for meds, but he’s really bad at remembering to take them. He tries to keep the bottle on his desk to remember to take them when he sits down to work but he usually forgets. 

As a kid Seven had a hyperfixation on computers, which is how he learned to hack so quickly. He would lose himself for hours just learning about how they work. 

Some of that still lingers but he hyperfixates on electronics and tech as a whole now. 

This is partially why he has so many strange inventions littered around the bunker. Many started as brief ideas that his mind went wild with leaving him hyperfocused on creating that idea. 

However for every finished invention there’s about 3-4 unfinished ones. Projects he lost interest in or stopped being fun enough for him. And unfortunately once he loses interest he rarely gets it back. 

He drinks Dr. Pepper partially because it tastes good but the caffeine actually helps his mind settle and makes it easier for him to focus on his work. He depends more on caffeine then his own meds tbh. 

Part of the reason he mostly eats HBC is not only because they taste good but often times cooking is hard for him. Almost everything takes too long, takes too much energy to make, or is too confusing. He also once almost burned down his bunker after leaving the stove on trying to make noodles after he got distracted. He won’t admit it but that moment was kind of traumatizing. 

As annoying as they may be, Vanderwood is actually a huge help for him. Getting anything done without an external motivation is nearly impossible. They may be harsh about it but Vanderwood’s pressure actually helps him focus a lot better. 

Unfortunately his ADHD also makes him a bit oppositional defiant so yeah he’ll do the work, but he might be a pain about it. 

Seven struggles with some sensory issues, things like noise and touch are especially sensitive for him. 

Big hoodie and headphones? ADHD sensory saviors honestly. 

Sleep is also a huge issue for him. He’s almost never tired at night and even when he is he finds it impossible to actually fall asleep. He relies on melatonin supplements to get himself to sleep. 

Other times he just falls asleep when his body physically gives up. This is usually at his desk or on the couch, it’s not very restful sleep but it’s what his body needs. 

Socially Seven has a difficult time. On top of having ADHD he also didn’t exactly socialize a lot of a child so he missed learning a lot of the social cues and expectations that most people learn as children. 

He’s also rather impulsive in the way he speaks, he blurts out things and goes on long unrelated tangents. If you think it’s bad in the chatroom its even more intense in person.

Seven is more than aware of how impulsive he can be while speaking, He tends to agonize after conversations about things he said. He would never let people in on that though. 

He leans heavily into the quirky, aloof 707 personality for this reason. He knows he’s socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right things so he acts as this sort of cartoonish caricature of himself he’s created.

Although Seven tries to hide it he cares a lot about what people think of him. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a huge hidden aspect of ADHD and he can’t stand the thought of people rejecting him, or even disliking him. 

It’s why he always listens and follows what V asks of him. Seven deeply cares about what V thinks of him. And considering V’s the only older male figure in his life he actually trusts wholeheartedly? The thought of V being disappointed in him is debilitating. 

It was similar with Rika too, Seven didn’t think it was a good idea to install a bomb in the apartment. He couldn’t think of a single reason why that could be a good idea, but he’s petrified of the idea of her being unhappy with him. 

To end on a light note, Seven is the living embodiment of that one vine. 

“Got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome yesterday, so now I take ~adderall~ haHA” 

[alightwhendarknessfell]

I'm sorry I'm even asking you this, but I've reached a point in my life where I'm just sort of lost and don't know where else to go. I've been diagnosed with add when I was around 7 or 8 and have never felt like the diagnosis fit me. I just never find both memes and other people with adhd to be even remotely relatable in regards of how they experience their diagnosis. I even took ritalin for a month when I was around 9 or 10 and it was the worst thing ever for me. But now I'm 23 and at uni 1/x

and just cannot seem to be able to focus on anything and I think it might be my depression and anxiety, since I usually have no trouble focusing on anything really. That being said, I cannot seem to focus on anything and my performance is drastically dropping. The next available place at a psychologist/psychiatrist is around may or june, but that will be too late to save this semester. I know you’re not a healthcare professional, and I definitely don’t want to ask you for a diagnosis or 2/x

medical advice or anything along those lines, but do you maybe have some input on what might work to maybe help me focus on the work I have to do? I’m just really lost and don’t know what to do right now. Also sorry for spaming your inbox and thank you for listening (even though you have no real choice here haha sorry) 3/3

Reply: I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I feel for you so much. ADHD/ADD can present differently in different people, and even varies based on sex/age. However, most of the time even if someone is diagnosed as a kid with ADHD they require a new diagnosis in adulthood. It is possible you were misdiagnosed as a kid or ADHD is not what is causing your problems now. Unfortunately, the wait times to get into a psychiatrist are normally pretty long like you said. Here’s what I would suggest you try and do while you wait to get in to see a psychiatrist (and obviously, like you said I’m not a health care provider/doctor so this is coming from my own personal experience and my limited knowledge of mental illness, and obviously is not a substitute for that.)

Most schools have free psychological services for students. They can normally get you in quickly to see a therapist or student health provider. They can also help you with contacting the right people at your school about your performance.  This is a good first step because they will be able to quickly help you. 

It’s possible that you could be dealing with depression/anxiety both of which can cause a lack of focus and difficulty in school. This could be in combination with ADHD or not, that’s something your doctor would have to diagnose. 

ADHD/ADD can present in many ways, not everyone has trouble focusing as their main symptom. 

Ritalin is only one treatment option for ADHD. Drugs work differently for adults than they do children so you may want to speak to your doctor about other options (Adderall, Vyvanse, Mydayis, Concerta, Strattera, etc.) I found that the right ADHD medication actually greatly improved my anxiety but it took a lot of trial and error. There are stimulants and non-stimulant options available. It is also possible to add an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety to your medications. Talk to your doctor about what you’ve tried in the past and what they might suggest. 

Reach out to family/friends and let them know you’re struggling. This is one of the biggest things because depression can get really dark, really fast. If you are at all afraid that you may hurt yourself or others, please seek help immediately. There is no shame in reaching out for help. 

For your schoolwork, it might be possible to get temporary accommodations for testing or extensions on due dates. That would be coordinated through your school’s disability office. Student health should be able to give you information on that. 

Talk to your professors if you feel comfortable doing so, you’d be surprised how many might be willing to give you an extension on due dates or let you re-do something you didn’t do well on. Explain to them your situation, the worst that can happen is they say no. When I was going through a hard time my junior year of college all my professors were very good about letting me have more time on assignments or forgiving tardiness/absences. 

If worse comes to worst, most universities allow students to do a ‘medical withdraw’, talk with your advisor/student services about that but basically, you can withdraw from the semester (and save your GPA) due to mental/physical health problems. It might put you behind on graduation by a semester but I had a friend who did that and she ended up being just fine. The most important thing is your mental and physical well-being. Schoolwork can be made up or done later. 

Make an appointment as early as you can with the psychiatrist, your regular doctor/student health might be able to prescribe you medication in the meantime so make an appointment with your regular doctor too. You can also ask for the psychiatric office to contact you if they have any cancellations and could get you in sooner. 

As far as other things you can do, try to get enough sleep; at least 7-8 hours, if you can go outside and be active (jogging, walking, etc). Physical activity and sunlight do help anxiety/depression. Make sure you’re eating enough and getting proper nutrients, cut down on caffeine/energy drinks/coffee to help anxiety, practice some mindfulness/meditation/yoga if you find that helpful, do something that makes you feel good whether that’s art, talking to friends, writing, reading, etc. 

The biggest piece of advice is to give yourself permission to ‘not be okay’. If you’re not performing your best in school that is okay, it’s okay to focus on your health right now. Do not guilt yourself for not being on your ‘A’ game. The past year has been incredibly hard with COVID, lock-downs, and sociopolitical instability. We’ve experienced a very traumatizing year and you’re not alone in struggling with mental health. 

I hope that helps, and I’m sending you tons of love and support. I hope you’re able to see someone soon who can help you with what you’re going through. <3 

[royalrastafariannaynays]

i knew from the first time

a dirkjohn shortfic, just a little drabble :) enjoy

There’s this kind of… stupidly catchy and happy song playing, and it’s giving you chills. To say that feels a little lame, a lot cheesy, and just a tiny bit dramatic. But it’s true. 

It might also be the dreamboat with the baby blues that keeps making eyes at you from over your brother’s shoulder. 

It feels like you’re Sherlock Holmes or fuckin’ Greg House or some shit, but you’re catching every detail you can, and trying to derive him. Yeah, derive him. He’s probably totally off limits, since he’s one of Dave’s friends. The two girls in the foursome are laughing at something he’s just said, and Rose takes a sip of her water, and Jade downs the three shots in front of her like she’s willing to drown by way of cheap well shots. 

That being said, Dave’s also chuckling. Which is.

Amazing. 

Dave doesn’t really laugh much, let alone in public. But this guy is getting his shoulders to move up and down, and one of Dave’s hands is covering his face. If you look closely, when the guy isn’t actively looking anywhere else, you can see his lips form the familiar ‘Karkat’ you see a lot, mostly from Dave. 

And those lips aren’t easy to look away from once you’re staring. 

They’re just a little chapped, probably from the beer. And he’s got some scrabbly shadow on his face. Hasn’t shaved in a day or two? His sleeves are rolled up, so he’s comfortable showing his arms. And they’re really nice arms. And his hair is so soft-looking that–

“Dirk!” 

You look back to Roxy. 

“Sorry.”

“I know you’re protective over little Davey but you really gotta loosen up! He’s twenty-four!” she says, landing a hand on your shoulder. 

It fucks up the screwdriver in front of you, and you get orange alcohol on your white shirt. Dammit. 

“He’s a big kid now!” she continues, shaking her head. 

“He can’t even drive–” you automatically protest, and she snorts. 

Roxy grins at you like she knows you’re going to lose whatever invisible contest she’s started. And yeah. You already lost. 

Your nails are a little too long. To avoid biting them, you tap them on the table. 

“He does too know how to drive,” she says. “He just doesn’t have a car.”

And, yeah. That’s not untrue. 

“Okay, okay,” you say, directing your full attention toward her. You know very well that Rose bribed her to drive her here, just to distract you from hanging over Dave’s shoulder all night. You can admit that maybe you’re a little bit of a helicopter parent. 

After all, ever since you rescued him from his dad’s? 

That was…

Scary shit. 

“Here,” Roxy says, and smacks a shot in front of each of you. Where the fuck did she even pull those out of? 

It burns as it goes down your throat. Roxy makes a hissing noise from her teeth, and wiggles, and pumps her fist in the air. That’ll be it for her tonight, you know. She’s the responsible one. No drinks until she was of age. No drugs, no one-night stands. 

Ha. 

You cleaned up a lot when Dave moved in with you. But it didn’t used to be pretty. Caffeine pills and energy drinks and Adderall to help you get through college, four years before your peers. You were That One Kid Who Skipped All The Grades. And after that, when you weren’t working, you were spending too much time in clubs, and at claustrophobic music festivals you had a little too much fun to ignore the panic of social overload. You hadn’t ever had a good relationship, unfeeling for literally anyone who came your way. 

And then Dave came in, and you started trying to make meals, burning toast, giving him an allowance, paying for his college with robot money. Cause he was your half-brother–

“Too much thinking!” Roxy says, abruptly. “Not enough dancing!” 

Speaking of siblings, your sister is currently dragging you off your chair. Maybe she steals your shades and hooks them over her own shirt, so you have to follow her. Maybe you resent her for actually doing what Rose wanted her to do.  Rocket scientist who just has… way too much capacity for fun. 

But hey. Dave will drive you home after this. 

Or you could afford a Lyft, probably. 

The dance floor is smaller than you’re used to being on, and the lights are a little brighter, but the music is really fun. 

Incapable of truly holding a beat, you more attempt to dance while Roxy spins circles around you, using you as a prop for her own fun. The usual. It’s a very careful and delicate symbiotic relationship. 

That same song plays again. The one that was playing earlier, with the eyes. 

For shits and giggles, you look over toward Dave’s table. 

Blue Eyes Guy is making eyes at you again. What the fuck? Is he trying to start a fight or does he want to fuck you??? Maybe both?

Examination of the tee shirt under his flannel shows you a green Slimer shirt of all fucking things. Roxy is dancing, using your arms to spin herself and try to force you into having more fun, but you’re too distracted. Blue Eyes is leaning his chin on his hand, just watching you now. So it wasn’t Roxy he was watching? It’s not something you’d considered until this point, distracted and way too gay to consider the existence of heterosexual people. 

He’s got square glasses, and…

Okay. 

You’re done. 

He’s just pulled on the arm of the glasses. Like, he fucking wiggled them like they were his eyebrows, and. Fuck. Okay. He’s pulling your leg. That’s good, it’s happened before. 

Roxy pulls your face to herself, almost shouting the lyrics of this song into your ears. It makes you laugh with the surprise of it, and you manage to get distracted, finally. Fuzziness seeps into your head as the alcohol finally hits you. And the lights aren’t too bright anymore, and Roxy’s dancing lifts your arms over your head, and you can actually follow the beat now that you’re paying attention. 

Maybe you just think you can follow the beat, though. That’s probably it.

But you can also choose to care about that tomorrow. Kind of like you’re choosing to care about the lyrics of this song right now. 

Cheesy top forty music that has two full verses, neither of which are truly meaningful. But the people on the dance floor are moving, and you’re having a good time with your sister, and it’s so much better than the acid and angel dust. 

Before you know it, it’s four songs later. You’re sweating, and there’s adrenaline and endorphins. Roxy’s gotten you another shot, and you might actually feel your face twitching into some kind of smile. 

Roxy laughs, and leans in to shout something into your ear about the bathroom. You go with her, of course. What are friends for except making sure you don’t get lost on your way back? 

The lines outside the ladies room are long, and once she disappears through the door, you go back to wait in the little hidden hallway nearby. She’ll find you. 

Time passes, some of it you’re aware of. Without Roxy right here, talking to you and making you feel normal, it’s too quiet. That’s okay. 

“Hey! Dave’s big bro, right?” 

Bright and a little too loud, the voice sounds right next to your ear. It makes you jump nearly a million feet in the air, and you’re trying to figure out an exit strategy already, dodging around the guy until you uh. 

Oh. 

It’s the… the guy. The blue eyes guy. 

“Blue eyes guy,” you say, and you’re just tipsy enough that you don’t even know if it was intentional or not. 

Regardless, the guy laughs, rubbing a hand over his face, and you feel like you’re on fire. Holy shit, he’s tall. 

Grey leisurewear sneakers, black hair, the hint of an outgrown overbite. He’s in college. Clean hands and nails - medical school? Dried out skin on his hands points to a lot of washing. Makes sense. Though to have such clean teeth. Dental? 

“Orthodontic tech, for now,” his lips say, while you’re trying not to look at them. “Do you talk to every one this way?” 

“Uh.” 

That’s it.

That’s all your super-genius fucking brain comes up with. You’re a mess. 

Sweaty, too. 

A hot mess. 

“Well, the hot part is right,” he says, and you feel like you’re on fire again. The slut instincts in your little slut brain are telling you to jump him right the fuck now. Maybe you’re more drunk than you thought. 

Your back hits a wall? What?

The hallway smells like weed. Huh. And Blue Eyes Guy is closer to you than you remember. Not a bad development. Maybe you’re a better dancer than you thought? 

“So, your name is Dirk,” he says, and his whole face looks like a daring scheme waiting to happen. A tricky face. A face that would short-sheet the bed and put saran wrap over the toilet. That’s annoying as fuck. But everything else? Hm.

“I don’t know what your name is, yet,” you say. And that’s a strange way to word a fucking question. 

“I’m John,” he says, and thank God he was able to push through your road block of social ineptitude. “And Dave has specifically told me that you’re off limits.” 

Oh right. Dave’s friends. 

“What, are you trying to get with me anyway?” you ask, feeling a touch more sober for a second. That’s a little offensive, even if you would tap it anyway. Cause you’d hate yourself after, but he looks like he’d feel real good. “You trying to use me or something?” 

John laughs, out loud. Not just a snort. 

“Fuck no,” he says, and okay. That’s okay. “Especially not while you’re drunk.” 

“I’m not drunk,” you say. And yeah you are. It’s been a long time since you drank. A long-ass time. 

“Yeah you are,” John echoes your thoughts, and you almost frown at him before remembering he’d be able to see it without your shades. 

You might be cute, but you’re not stupid. “Then why are you putting the moves on me, John…”

“Egbert,” he fills in, with a grin. And he leans in, and just a little away from your mouth, he sighs. Beer smell, not the best. But you get a whiff of your cologne from where you are, and okay. Flirting is. Kind of the best fucking thing. 

You choke back a laugh. “Answer the question, dumbass.”

John laughs on your face, pulling back so that you can see his. From here, Dave wouldn’t be able to see. Hm. Interesting. 

“I wanted you to know,” he says, and his body is so warm and he’s so tall and broad, and fuck. Seven years ago…. if he wasn’t a little baby teenager? Hurgh. 

“I wanted you to know, because I have absolutely no intent of hearing him out,” John says. “And I want to ask you out because you’re really cute.” 

Now, the corner of your mouth twitches up a little bit. If you weren’t so well-trained (by yourself), you’d giggle. The impulse is there, but you hold it desperately back. 

“Go for it,” you tell him, and when you lift your chin a little, you get the best head rush. Your lips are almost on his…

And you hit something cold. When you open your eyes, he’s looking fit to burst with laughter. Like something is just so funny.

Annoying.

You actually frown, now, and push him away from you. Just fucking around. You’re goddamn blind is what you are. “Not amusing, you prime dickhead.”

At the last possible second, he grabs your arm in one of his big hands, and you turn to him as you shake him off. Before you can open your mouth to shout at him and then very quickly go find Roxy, he holds out that same phone that has your lipstick print on it. 

“I was serious, though,” he says, and he looks a little apologetic. His phone is open to the contacts, a new one waiting for your digits.  

It’s still… annoying. 

 But you take the phone, and you put it in. Who ever said you didn’t like assholes who can’t take anything seriously? No one, that’s who.

“I’ll kiss you when you’re sober, okay?” he says. 

And that’s even more annoying. It’s a little patronizing. 

So you grab the collar of his stupid Slimer shirt, and pull him down to your level with all the grace of someone who has no idea what is supposed to come first in this shitty romance game. And you kiss him. 

He looks red, surprised, and shocked when you let him go, and he straightens up. Bright orange stains his lips and then a little around, sloppy from the smearing. And you huff at him. “Don’t text me before two in the afternoon or I’m blocking you.” 

He looks very pleasantly surprised as you walk away toward the little lounge area in front of the ladies room, where the spare mirrors are. 

We’ll see where this goes. 

We’ll see. 

[assholemurphy]

so i forgot rafiki had a thing tonight (some video game thing the comp club puts on every semester, i wanna go to one but like, too many nerds, too many gross ‘nice guys’, etc) so i didn’t get kidnapped tonight, so my friends and i (minus rafiki, but plus gg, who is new and fucking great) hung out and ate cake. and we made a podcast (that will probs never be uploaded until we get enough common sense between us to have a solid fucking plan of what we want to do besides make bad jokes) which was great until somehow we got on the topic of trans ppl and pb and i got into an argument abt it (guess who’s on what side) and i can’t even remember how it was brought up??? but i’ve told him countless times i don’t want to argue abt lgbtq+ issues bc he’s a dumbass (like, he’s a great fucking guy, an absolute amazing human being, but he’s got misguided views and just generally doesn’t try to understand when i say stuff regarding lgbtq+ stuff) which just fucking spiraled into a p heated argument and i ended up crying bc i do that. i’ve got a lot of trauma regarding bdays and other family holidays and arguing tonight just made it so much worse, which sucks bc it was a rly nice day before that, like, i actually enjoyed it so much that when i was supposed to blow out my candles, i couldn’t think of a single wish so goldilocks blew them out for me, it was great. i’ve never been unable to think of something i want to wish for before, but like, being in theatre/finding my place in the world, finding the self confidence necessary to have sex with ppl when i feel like it (i’ve got two guys currently that wanna fuck me, but one of them sends up MAJOR warning signals so i’m probs not gonna fuck him, plus 1 maybe 2 girls that wanna fuck, it’s great, i love this shit, makes me feel good abt myself), having an apartment so i don’t have to live on campus/go home every break, and having some of the most amazing friends in the world, i couldn’t think of anything i rly wanted in that moment. i’ve got them, that enough for me, ya know? but then the argument started (and it wasn’t like the previous one we’d had abt communism vs. capitalism we’d had while the cake was baking bc that one evened out p quickly and we actually talked instead of just talking over each other) and everything went to shit. he threw his phone at me to make me read a source he’d found and i just kinda broke bc i’ve had things thrown at me all my life and even tho he said he didn’t do it in anger, it felt like it was, so i got pissed off and told him if he did it again, i’d hurt him (i’m a v angry person and i can get incredibly violent when i feel threatened or when i’m triggered back into a place where that kind of thing was the only thing keeping me alive) and so it just got worse and then he said something abt me thinking he was a horrible person and i called him a dumbass (bc that is the farthest thing from what i think, i don’t think i’ve met a better person ever, even if some of his views suck) and then i just kinda broke and hugged him and told him that he was stupid for even thinking i’d ever think that (i’m p sure i just called him a dumbass again and told him what i rly thought of him) and then things calmed down and it turned into a ‘hey, jackass (me), fix yourself, you absolute fuckwit’ talk, which we have often and things were worked out. he’s also the greatest person to hug bc while he is tiny, i trust him completely and therefore feel v safe when he’s touching me, unlike how i am with literally ever other person on the planet, and he’s the perfect height for me to put my head on his shoulder and yes, it’s nice, you should all get yourself a pretty boy, so he can make you cry and do all the exact wrong things at the wrong time and then fix them all completely by hugging you and telling you to straighten your shit out. it’s great. i could do without the first part, but like, i’ll take it. so things are fine now, i think. i hope.

but apparently most ppl in the theatre dept think i have a crush on him which is????? no???? wtf????? can a chick and a dude not be friends w/o ppl thinking this? must i be reserved and cold towards everybody in my life? am i not allowed to have a best friend that i’d kill for and trust explicitly and feel safe enough with to be the caring person i actually am underneath all my trauma? it’s fucking annoying and it bothers me so damn much. but he won’t tell me who keeps saying it and just kind of implies the whole theatre and i just, ugh, no. if i was gonna have a crush on a victory bro, it certainly wouldn’t be him. no offense to him or anything, i love the guy, but like, he’s too sweet and gentle and shit for my tastes. his brother on the other hand, well, eh, okay, this is more of a ‘if i had to pick or die’ kinda thing, bc i just can’t see myself wanting to date either one, tbh. i love them both, they mean the world to me, but they’re just friends. well, no, they’re my family, actually. but to date??? nope. but i have no idea what to do to make the dept not think this. no fucking idea. i just don’t like the idea of them thinking i’m pining after him when i’m decidedly not. the guy means the world to me and i’d fucking kill for him, hell, i’d die for him (and i don’t say that lightly), but just, no romo, dude. but w/e, i guess. let the masses think what they will, he’s perfectly aware i don’t have a crush on him and that’s all that matters (bc if those fucks made him think i did and caused our relationship to get weird, i’d kick all their asses one by one).

so i’ll probs be getting kidnapped by rafiki tomorrow night. then i’ll get drunk. but i’m also seeing my mom tomorrow after the show which will be nice (mainly bc i am broke and require a trip to walmart, mainly for soda, monster, and cigarettes, plus i need to go by the bank and put $20 on my card so i can pay the internet bill). i say nice. i mean ‘i hope it’s not painful’ but when it’s usually just us and not the rest of my family, too, then things are generally p chill. we’ll see how that works out.

i’ve got to be up at like, 11a, 12p at the latest tomorrow for the show bc call time is 12:30p (the show is at 2p, but i’ve got to sweep/mop the theatre and shit bc that’s my job as an asm, then i’ll have like 45 min to wait up in the booth with gg and pb (and eventually goldilocks) so it’ll be alright. but for right now, i’m gonna try to write a bit so i don’t fall asleep with my emotions running so high, bc if i do, the chances of me having night terrors increases tenfold. so, a bit of writing and then sleep by like 6:30a. i’ve been surviving off of 4/5 hours of sleep this week, so i’ll be fine on that much. i’ve got monster. i’ll survive. (i could survive just abt anything with enough caffeine, nicotine, and adderall, not even kidding.)

so, i’m off to write a bit. hopefully i can get at least part of the (incredibly fucking long, jfc, what the hell am i doing with my life) smut scene written tonight.

[adhdpie]

I got diagnosed with adhd and was prescribed meds so that i can handle college. As a bonus I am loosing weight. I am 60lb overweight so I'm excited by the low appetite and the high metabolism, and I especially love the impulse control. (I used to eat a ton of everything because it tasted good and I wasn't thinking). I hear the weight loss stops quickly though. What usually happens with Meds and weight loss? Is this likely to be sustainable? Obviously it's not the goal here but I like the help.

(cw: dieting, weight, weight loss, weight gain. if these topics stress you out, I recommend hitting ‘J’ to skip this post immediately.)

I can tell you a little because of my own history with weight loss from stimulants but for safety reasons b/c this blog is public I need to say some things first to anyone else reading this:

i'm not a professional. I am speaking on this subject out of personal experience and research. you can easily duplicate my research via google most of the time.

do not ever take stimulants for weight loss purposes unless a doctor tells you to. ever ever ever

in fact don't take stimulants at all unless a doctor tells you to, in case it isn't really damn obvious how bad that can be for you

in general, being 'overweight' is not a function of impulse control failure. in fact, your weight indicates surprisingly little about your health!* long story short the stigma against being fat is bs

I also feel the pressure to Be Thin. but my point is: weight loss is a thing that many people want because society is dickballs. but know that being Thin(tm) is not the same as being healthy.

OKAY.

stimulants tend to suppress the appetite. nicotine, caffeine, and amphetamines all fall in this category. as long as you are consuming stimulants in sufficient amounts, you will not be hungry as often.

in adhd people like you and me, snacking on impulse can be a symptom of feeling understimulated all the time. stimulants often reduce the snacking habit by suppressing the appetite, which makes this type of stimulation less rewarding. in my case it happened without me even noticing for a while.

this often results in weight loss during the early stages of taking medication. but no; it doesn't last forever.

in my experience, many bodies can hit plateaus of both weight loss and weight gain - points at which calorie burn equals calorie intake - depending on a person's lifestyle. there can be more than one weight at which this is the case, and some people's weights are easier to alter than others. (and 'lifestyle' counts in a looooot of stuff besides exercise and how much you eat!)

you probably know a lot of this stuff already, but just in case: when weight loss is caused by low calorie intake alone - such as reduced intake because you've started taking a stimulant that suppresses your appetite, the first weight loss will be quick because water weight drops off, etc etc. but it slows, stops, and can occasionally even reverse when your body's natural tendency towards wanting all systems to be in balance - that is, homeostasis - starts kicking in hardcore. ';asldjf;salj we’re using the stored energy,' warns the systems in charge of keeping your systems in balance, which think they're playing a JRPG and are concerned that your extra energy might be needed for the final boss fight more than right now. 'we gotta cut the metabolism rate somehow!'** (and that somehow is partially ‘eating some muscle too so that the amount of cells that need energy is smaller’.)

if you are not making a concerted, specific effort to continue to lose weight, this is the point at which your body will find its new homeostasis and your weight will stabilize. (but a lot of factors go into what this point is and whether it's actually lower than your starting weight.)

in addition, your body will eventually develop a tolerance for the stimulant and it may not zap your appetite as effectively after a time.

In my case:

I smoked cigarettes for 8 years. no matter how much I ate or didn't eat, my weight rarely varied by more than 5 pounds.

when I quit smoking cold turkey 4.5 years ago, my metabolism dropped and I started snacking more. I gained 25 pounds, whereupon I got stuck again; eating the same number of snacks that had started the weight gain did not continue the weight gain. 

I lost a bit of weight when I exercised daily, but when I stopped I gained the weight right back.

when I started taking Adderall, a salt-amphetamine, to control my adhd symptoms, I dropped back to my smoking weight.  increasing the dosage of stimulants did not make me lose more weight. 

I expect that if I stop taking stimulants, I will gain those pounds back unless I make a specific, concerted effort to avoid impulse snacking. I will probably still gain weight because my metabolism will drop regardless.

so ...

in short, there's no way to use stimulants alone to continue weight loss at a quick rate. it can help you lose some pounds and keep those pounds off because of decreased appetite/better impulse control/higher metabolism, so you might quickly lose more weight than you would without a stimulant. and you can probably keep that quicker weight loss going a little longer if you make a concentrated effort to fight back against the appetite loss to avoid slowing your metabolism.

but nonetheless, your body will figure out how to balance itself with the stimulant in your system and weight loss will slow or stop. after that point more traditional weight loss methods will be necessary to keep dropping.

(notes under cut!)

*everyone has their own normal, which is affected by the food you have available but mostly by your genes, and people can be extremely healthy without being thin. and while being heavy is often blamed for premature death, scientists are now thinking it's actually sleep deprivation that's the culprit (tho being overweight can cause sleep apnea, which fucks up sleep p bad. but the cure isn't always losing weight).

**and if you're going too hard on the crash diets, you might even get 'dear god, there's no way to ever be sure of how many calories we're going to get in a day! Just assume no food intake for the NEXT 1 BILLION YEARS to be safe!', sending your body into 'starvation mode'. this makes continued weight loss much more difficult and just isn't good for you in the first place. do not recommend.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s04e02 Angel Maker review - or more aptly named, oh my god this is amazing yet gross at the same time. Why do this to me?

Episode 02 – Angel Maker

Hey guys! So I’m still reeling from that first episode. Oh my goodness gracious. That was a definite showstopper. But, I’m over it, I hope it’s going to be fine. I hope for a little breather, and that this one will be a little funnier. But let’s see what happens. Okay?

Let’s get it started.

Creepy music isn’t instilling me with much confidence, you know.

A young cat lady? Oh honey.

Oh boy. Someone else is walking in the house.

Oh boy.

Why is that creeper hiding in her closet till the morning to kill her? What the fuck?

And why a hammer?

“You’re experiencing hyperacusis. It’s caused by sudden loud noises, like an explosion.” REALLY?

(that’s sarcasm) – hyper sounds loud.

Wait. So the doctor wants to take him off the field? Oh boy.

I mean, I get it, and I want him to get better, but poor baby, he can’t sit still forever. He hated being a prosecutor.

“W-what if I said I’d … take it easy and … limit my role in the field?”

So cute! He’s like, I need to get back to work.

Wait. He’s so damaged in the ear he can’t hear his phone ringing? Oh, baby.

Wait. That fucker raped and hammered her to death? Ugh.

JJ: “Lower Canaan, Ohio.”

Emily: “Lower where?”

Ha! I love you, Emily. I have no fucking idea where that is either.

“Ritual. Nice hair, by the way.”

Hey! Leave my poodle’s mane!

Wait what? It’s the same victimology of a serial killer who was executed? Makes no sense.

Oh. A copycat honoring the anniversary of his hero’s death. Ew.

I’m sorry, Reid saying ‘semen’ is like hearing me talking in Japanese – unnatural.

Hold up, the jizz they found in the girl is matching to the DNA of the Angel Maker? WHAT?

Oh boy.

Chuck Palahniuk: “We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” AMAZING

“They have parachutes on board, right?”

“They should. It’s standard on all federal air transport.”

“Maybe we can give one to the elephant in the room, get him out of here?”

OH MY GOD! ROSSI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST DIED! SOMEBODY GIVE THOSE WRITERS A GOLD STAR!

“That’d be the elephant with the dead man’s DNA.”

“Well, obviously somebody planted the semen on the victim.”

Derek: “In the victim.”

“Reid, you’re not seriously floating around the idea of an evil twin, are you?”

WHAT?

“No, I’m not. I’m floating the idea of an eviler twin.” DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND SARCASM?

Oh my god, I’m dying right now.

“Traditionally, the concept is a good twin and an evil twin. But in this case, it’s evil twin and eviler twin.”

Oh god, I love my pure angel.

Why would the puncture wounds seem familiar to Emily? Weird.

That’s a pretty prison.

“Real lady killer.”

REALLY? Did that guard just make that lame ass joke? Oh god.

“The type of DNA that cats in lockup don’t have occasion to use.”

Wow. That’s some strong language there, Derek!

Can I ask? Why does he speak to everyone normally on the phone, but when he talks to Garcia, it’s to the hearing piece? Is he that desperate for her voice? I don’t get it.

Wait. There are rumors about the execution being sloppy? Oh boy.

Wait. They’re digging up the angel maker to prove he’s dead to get the townies off their backs? That’s wrong. Listen to the FBI.

Okay, so I’m naturally extremely sensitive to loud noises, like the buzzing in Hotch’s ear, so can they NOT do that please? UGH

So that’s an empty coffin. And it’s not a good sign.

Oh boy.

Oh god, Shemar is sitting on a desk. Why do I find that hot?

“What does that mean, doctor?” God, no one should sound that hot. Fuck. No really, if you check out my lady parts, you’ll see them all aflutter.

Wait. So they killed him with drugs, and yet he was still alive? Oh boy.

Wait. When they killed Cortland he said he’d come back right before they attempted to execute him? Oh boy.

“Did you know that John Wayne Gracie painted clowns? A murdering pedophile paints clowns, and people hand them on their walls. It’s creepy on so many levels. I mean, clowns –”

“Garcia, I didn’t know you had that hang-up.”

Aw, Derek is learning stuff about baby girl.

“Coulrophobia – abnormal fear of clowns.” Good to know, female Reid XD

“Oh, no, there is nothing abnormal about it. When I was twelve, a hobo clown groped my breast at a birthday party and made this old-timey honkey noise when he did it. Apparently making it funny makes it okay.”

YOU ARE ONE AMAZING GIRL! AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE FEAR OF CLOWNS! THEY CREEP ME OUT TOO! (never seen one in this country, but still).

Derek’s face is like, who the fuck touched my baby girl’s boobs? Only I am allowed! Who is this clown and how can I kill him?

“Oh, my vision, I found a ton.”

That’s sad. Angel Maker memorabilia. Ew.

“He also made these little origami figurines out of cigarette boxes, which, I hate to say, are really cute.”

Oh honey.

“Shebang!”

Wait. The guard sells his crap? Oh boy.

“Wakey, wakey, my man.”

Well, Sid’s dead. Shit.

“One to the grill, one to the groin. That’s personal.”

Damn straight.

“Strikes me as an Aqua Velva guy.”

Bam. Nailed it. That’s his cologne.

Ha!

What’s in the pill box?

Wait. It’s a woman now? Oh boy.

Wait. Rutledge blackmailed the unsub? OH BOY!

“We now know that Rutledge was transferred to Hawkesville from a female prison, in the wake of allegations that he was using his position to leverage sexual favors from inmates.”

Oh boy.

“That and the fact that he took a PDE-5 inhibitor shortly before his murder.”

“A what?”

“Viagra.”

Oh damn.

Are they allowed to say that on CBS? Hahahaha oh my god.

“Hybristophilia. It’s a sexual attraction to men who commit violent crimes.”

I’m sorry, but Derek talking about sexual attraction is seriously sexy and he can’t talk about unhealthy attraction and look sexy at the same time because it ruins the whole point.

“She’s using an instrument to simulate the sexual assault …” did they actually say she was using toys on the victim? OH BOY!

“Hey, you ever get groupies at your book singing?” “Sometimes, if Barry Manilow isn’t in town.”

I love you, Rossi.

“Waits an average of three hours for a ten-minute visit, mandatory strip search. Would you endure that for a guy?”

“For Barry Manilow, maybe.”

OH MY GOD EMILY!

Wait. This lady professed she was the fucker’s lover? Oh boy.

“Last time I checked, they didn’t allow conjugal visits on death row.”

True.

Wait. So the lady then stopped loving him because she got a letter addressed to a different woman, but it was written in a different dialect, how can it be from him, then? It makes no sense.

Oh god. Another victim.

She killed a day-care lady? THAT IS CRUEL!

Wait. The puncture wounds mean something? Oh boy.

The letters to ‘dove’ were a code? Oh boy.

I love you, Reid.

“What do you need to crack it?” “The ability to clone myself and a year’s supply of Adderall.”

“I’ll put on the coffee.”

Oh my god, that was genius.

“So they both had home-based businesses. A stranger could walk in off the street and be a prospective customer.” Oh god.

SHIT. The puncture wounds represent constellations. Damn.

“Delphinus, the dolphin; Equuleus, the little horse. Anything sound familiar?”

“His origami things.”

Oh boy.

Shit. One more kill to complete the set. Shit.

“They weren’t just close. They were in love.”

Gross.

“How’d you crack it?”

“I profiled the author. Cortland Ryan was on death row with several high-ranking members of the Aryan brotherhood.”

“He got the code from the Aryans?”

“Either that or he read a lot of 16th-century literature.”

Wait. “The Aryans liked to use a cipher based on a 400-year old code written by Sir Francis Bacon.” Oh god.

“Normally you’d use a computer to run all these combinations, but it was quicker to just to do it longhand until I found the right one.” WHAT?

“He’s so lifelike.” OH MY GOD! EMILY!

Seriously, those letters were so romantic, if it weren’t for the horrible fact that he fucking killed people and she continued his ‘mission’ after death.

JJ’s right. Reid confirmed, “Well, she did say ‘us’ – watch over us from the stars.”

Wait. The victim survived? Because she screamed? GOOD FOR YOU LADY!

Wait. So Shara did the whole thing, trying to get pregnant with the wacko’s kid? EW!

“So if you want me to find baby angel maker, we’re gonna have to narrow it down.” I love you Garcia.

“Ten months, actually.”

“Really?”

No wait. Hold up. Seriously? I didn’t know that a woman was pregnant ten months. Wait. Are they making this up? Hold on. Nope. They’re right. So why are we so convinced that it’s always nine months? MOM! HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO ME????

HAS MY SCHOOL SEX ED CLASS IN THE SIXTH GRADE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME?

“We’ll do single mothers only, in case she wanted to keep the father a secret, you know, didn’t want to brag: ‘oh, your baby daddy’s a third-grade teacher? Well, mine likes to poke people in the stomach with tools, so there.’” LOL

So gross, yet so awesome

Wait. Why is the name familiar to my poodle?

Damn. She was on the jury. So she knew the case. Fuck.

Shit. Her baby died in the hospital, she wanted a baby so bad, and she fell in love with the fucker so deeply that she was willing to continue his legacy and let her new baby know who his daddy was? FUCK.

“Completing the murders was the only way she could hold on to him.”

I’m with you, baby, that’s gross. She stole the body from the grave. Fuck.

“Meetings with Delilah Grennan and Maxine Chandler the day of each murder.” Oh boy.

Bam. found the next victim. Let’s hope we get her in time.

Shemar leaning over a car. Hot.

Sneaky, yummy Shemar.

Shit. She took a gun and is roaming the house and my baby is there, too. Fuck.

Wendell Berry: “The past is our definition. we may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.” Sounds weird. Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m high on caffeine. Which is weird.

“Morgan doesn’t like to follow directions. You didn’t know about that?”

“Yeah he likes to vibe it.”

What does that even mean?

“Ok, smart ass, you drive.”

Emily: “Oh, great.”

I love this cast so fucking much!

And Morgan said ‘ass’.

 Okay, so this episode was creepy in so many ways, but we had more fun between my superheroes which was amazing beyond belief! I’m so happy they put everything in one episode and also addressed what happened to Hotch and didn’t just glance over it.

I’m not gonna elaborate too much, seeing as this is already heavy on the verbosity and I’m planning on adding tons of pictures of Shemar, Kirsten and Matthew anyway. So I’ll see you all for the next episode, and thank you again, for taking the time to actually see what I have in my filthy mind.

Love you all!

<3

[altheterrible]

Some Information About Schedule II Narcotics: Tips and Tricks (long but educational)

If you’ve ever gotten a prescription for a narcotic and tried to fill it, you know it can be a really bumpy process. It may seem like doctors and pharmacists are acting at random when they choose to prescribe or not, to fill or not. Well, to some extent, they are. I’m going to try to explain some of what’s going on behind the scenes. I’m going to be really frank. A lot of it’s not pretty, but patients need to know how this works.

First, what is a schedule II narcotic? The scheduling system/terminology is a way mostly for the DEA to talk about medications that are psychoactive (work on brain chemicals) and have abuse potential There are 5 categories in the scheduling system, going from schedule I to schedule V. 

Schedule I substances are medications/drugs that have been determined to have no medical use and have high abuse potential. Marijuana is a schedule I substance (though it logically shouldn’t be) as are heroin, ecstasy, and LSD. 

Schedule II substances are medications that have a high abuse potential, but have a medical use. Included in this category are most of the opioids (morphine, oxycodone, fentanyl...hydrocodone used to be schedule III but is now schedule II), and amphetamines including methamphetamine. 

Schedule III substances are medically useful and have a moderate abuse potential. Included in this category are anabolic steroids, Fiorinal (aspirin, caffeine, butalbital combination), Soma, and Subutex among a ton of others that no one’s ever heard of. 

Schedule IV drugs have low abuse potential. All the benzodiazepines are schedule IV medications. 

Finally, schedule V drugs have very low abuse potential; some schedule V drugs do not even require a prescription. There’s a lot of cough syrups and cold medicines in this category because they contain low levels of codeine. Lyrica is a schedule V medication. In some states (I’m in Michigan for example) gapabentin is a schedule V substance.

Let’s take a closer look at schedule II drugs. I’m going to walk you through how doctors and pharmacists think/work when dealing with schedule II drugs. I’m going to use the stimulant Adderall as an example, just because when I was working in behavioral health, it’s one I saw a LOT.

Okay, so a new adult patient, AR, comes into the clinic with a chief complaint of difficulty concentrating. When she meets with the psychiatrist, it’s the psych’s job to ascertain the most likely cause of this symptom. On the table, there’s ADHD, anxiety, depression, and psychosis. 

--If AR has come in specifically complaining that they have ADHD, that’s a red flag for someone drug seeking. Someone who has decided what condition they have has done research and knows that ADHD is treated with stimulants. Gotta treat these patients carefully--so my advice is, never bring up your self diagnosis with a doctor right away.

The psychiatrist performs an interview to gather more information to support one diagnosis over the others. They rule out psychosis right away. Maybe they do a depression screening and a screening for generalized anxiety disorder.

--Someone who scores a 0 on both the PHQ-9 (depression screening) and the GAD-7 (generalized anxiety disorder screening) gets flagged. ADHD causes symptoms that would show up on those tests; for example, the GAD-7 asks about trouble relaxing and being easily irritated. The PHQ-9 specifically asks about trouble concentrating. My advice is to read the screening thoroughly before answering.

The psychiatrist finishes their interview with AR. The interview uncovered that in addition to trouble concentrating, AR is disorganized, has trouble finishing tasks, is highly impulsive, and is often late, even to important appointments. The psychiatrist decides that ADHD is the most likely cause of the AR’s symptoms. However, he wants to confirm this diagnosis by sending her for formal testing.

--Formal testing for ADHD mostly involves taking a computerized test that flashes letters on the screen and you press a button for every letter except x, for example. This is administered by a psychologist. This test is basically a way for medical professionals to cover their ass--it’s an “objective” way to test for ADHD. Insurance may or may not cover this testing.  Not all psychiatrists require this testing, but it’s fairly common.

So the psychiatrist tells AR to make an appointment for formal ADHD testing and that they’ll see her in two weeks.

-- Failure to take the test means you won’t get medication and gets you flagged as a drug seeker.

Two weeks later, the psychiatrist gets the result of AR’s ADHD testing. The psychologist who administered the test interpreted the results and noted that AR seemed to exhibit traits consistent with an attention deficit. Ass covered, the psychiatrist meets with AR to discuss medication options.

Now, there are multiple first line medications for ADHD. There are multiple stimulants and then Strattera, a non-stimulant medication that is taken every day, whereas stimulants can be taken only when they’re needed. The psychiatrist wants to try Strattera first because unlike stimulants, it has no abuse potential. AR agrees.

--Disagreeing with trying a non-narcotic option first gets you flagged as a drug seeker. If you seem too knowledgeable about what specific medication you want, that’s another red flag for a prescriber. I would advise against making medication suggestions to a prescriber unless they ask your opinion, and even then I’d tread cautiously. I’m a pharmacist and more knowledgeable about medications than most physicians, but even I don’t make suggestions.

Strattera takes up to 8 weeks to show its full efficacy. The psychiatrist makes an appointment with AR for six weeks out to give Strattera time to work.

--During this time, if Strattera is not effective, AR is pretty much shit out of luck. If she calls her psychiatrist to say it’s not working, the psych will say she hasn’t given it enough time. She will also get flagged as a drug seeker. If AR has side effects from Strattera, it’s possible her psychiatrist will think she’s making them up to get prescribed a stimulant instead. Best advice: document side effects and include what happened and when. More detail is better.

Okay, so it’s been six weeks. Strattera didn’t work out--it made AR nauseated and fatigued. Finally, the psychiatrist prescribes a stimulant. He decides to try 20 mg of immediate-release Adderall once a day.

-Adderall only works for about 4 hours, but suggesting twice or three-times-a-day dosing--you guessed it--gets you flagged as a drug seeker.

The psychiatrist makes an appointment with AR for two weeks out to assess how her new medication is working. Hurray, finally AR has the prescription she needs!

Now it’s time to go to the pharmacy.

AR takes her new prescription to the pharmacy. She hands it to the pharmacy technician who looks at the prescription and says, “Sorry, we’re out of that. Maybe try [different pharmacy].

--This happens ALL the time. It’s worse if you call a pharmacy and ask if they have a specific drug in stock. NEVER call a pharmacy and ask if they have Norco, or Percocet, or Adderall, or any other schedule II drug in stock, they WILL lie to you. If you go into the pharmacy and physically hand them the prescription, chances are better, but they may still lie to you.

AR goes to a different pharmacy. When she hands the prescription to the pharmacy tech there, the technician smiles and says, “let me see if we have any in the back.” The tech takes the prescription to the pharmacist working at a computer. The pharmacist looks at the prescription, looks at AR, and then begins typing information into his computer, glancing down at the prescription now and then.

--What the pharmacist is doing is running AR’s information through the state’s automated narcotic prescription verification system. Every state has one of these. Basically, they take your name and run it through a database that checks your prescription history for any narcotics prescriptions to see your refill history, your prescribing doctors, the pharmacies you’ve filled at before etc. Basically anything about your scheduled medications.

While running AR’s information through the database, it pops up that AR is regularly taking Ambien to help her sleep. Ambien is a schedule IV medication. AR hears the pharmacy tech mutter to the pharmacist, “She wouldn’t need the Ambien if she wasn’t taking the Adderall.” They both chuckle. The pharmacist says to the pharmacy tech, “I don’t feel great about this, she’s never filled anything with us before. But go ahead and fill it.”

--When you’re trying to fill a schedule II prescription, it’s best if you use a pharmacy that you have a history with. I take about 5000 medications, so it was no big deal when I brought a prescription for Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) to my pharmacy--they knew me, knew my refill history. If you always go to different pharmacies, it looks suspicious.

AR sits down to wait. A few minutes later, her prescription is ready. She finally gets to go home. All is well.

Until she tries to get a refill--but that’s a tale for another day.

So this is just a narrative of some of the things that doctors and pharmacists are thinking when they’re filling your schedule II medications. You can see all the places that you can get flagged as suspicious. It’s total bullshit, and it makes it hard for people to fill legitimate prescriptions, but a lot of pharmacists and doctors look at any patient taking narcotics like they’re drug addictions. Which is ALSO total bullshit.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I just wanted to put this out there because I see patients fall into these pitfalls every day and they have no idea. Good luck out there. I’ll be doing my part to improve the system from the inside; in the interim, I hope this helps.

[brooklyn-queer]

Alright, below the cut is a long thing that I want to put somewhere in the web abyss but since I don’t really use my tumblr anymore/don’t really know anyone on tumblr I figure this is as fine a place as any to put it

Some people knew I used to get too fucked up at parties but did they know about the constant weed smoking, the straight everclear shots alone in my room, the Valium, the keyboard cleaner, the paint sniffing, the LSD, the binging and purging, the sex and love addiction, the Adderall, the snorting caffeine pills?

How every other Friday, I would spend my entire bi-weekly paycheck on booze and drugs?

How I pawned my camera, my most prized possession, for drug money?

How I borrowed cash for food and spent it on booze?

or the nights i drank rotten hooch stored under my bed when I didn’t have money?

the nights i drank vinegar because I didn’t have any more hooch?

the nights i drank vanilla extract because I ran out of vinegar?

the nights I drank hand sanitizer because I ran out of vanilla extract?

Did anyone know that I hadn’t had a sober conversation with them in years?

Who am I kidding? plenty of people suspected I was an addict. the only people bold and caring enough to address it with me had to face my drunken angry tantrums.

I was sick. I was so fucking sick. In highschool, my friends nicknamed me “Sunshine” because I radiated joy and optimism. I laughed until I cried, I was always there for my friends, I was a good listener, I was kind. I had many skills and I worked tirelessly to perfect my crafts. Once I started using everything began to unravel. I desperately entered competitions to prove that I could still perform. A blue ribbon meant I wasn’t worthless, right? I obsessively sought romance and sex in places I shouldn’t have because I needed to prove I was still lovable. I compulsively badgered my friends to prove that I wasn’t isolating myself in my using. All the things I did before for enjoyment or for others became about Me and gaining validation that I wasn’t losing my fucking mind.

I thought about my rapist and my rape every minute of the day. Everything triggered the thoughts: cars, mens bathrooms, belt buckles, Owl City songs, glasses, haircuts--it was fucking insanity. When I wasn’t reliving my rape, I was mentally playing out future rapes, 

dreaming about my loved ones assaulting me, 

obsessively imagining my loved ones dying over and over and over and over 

picturing my cats mangled squished dead body

imagining my fathers death over and over and over and over 

walking along the road I was terrified I was going to jump infront of a car without thinking about it and I replayed my death over and over and over again

every morning i checked my body for bruises or signs of a rape, every night i made myself listen to that Owl City song 8 times in a row even though I always had panic attacks during it, before sleeping I would lock and unlock my door over and over and over at least 10 times until i could get my brain to shut up for 30 goddamn seconds

I see now why I wanted to hide from my brain. I see now that I only made it worse by doing so.

The closest I got to a quiet moment was when I was high, but apparently the thoughts didn’t stop after using. All I did was shove the burden of my broken brain onto whomever was my caretaker for the night. If I was blackout drunk someone else had to take care of my brain for a while which is a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone else. Since I spent so many days blacked out, I’m sure that the worst pain I have caused others I have absolutely no recollection of. 

I was simply in a lot of pain. I had a lot of trauma and resulting mental illness that I refused to deal with. I wonder how I got addicted but when I think about it, someone who treats their body and problems like I did was bound to seek comfort anywhere. Weed was my drug of choice but alcohol was right behind along with pills and self harm and sex and unhealthy relationships and extreme risk taking. 

Who knew that within 5 years I would have morphed into a complete monster entirely unlike the person I was before? I wish I could adequately describe the horror of addiction, how it is a disease that eats who you are, that it is a sickness that attacks your soul. That the person I had become last year had nothing in common with the person I was before using. How in hindsight it is so fucking obvious I am an addict but in my active addiction it was impossible to see. 

I used to devour multiple books a week--I took pride in my love for knowledge. By my rock bottom, I hadn’t finished a book in over a year. I could barely bring myself to skim the articles I had to read for school. My brain was so fried I couldn’t read for more then 5 minutes at a time. I once cried because I got an A- in an honors class but a mere few years later I used so much I lost the ability to read.

Not saying that I was a great person before using because I still had a lot of shit I was working through but the addiction dug out the worst disgusting parts of my brain and brought them to the forefront. All of the good qualities within myself were masked by the addiction. By the end, I didn’t do anything other than use. If a person in my life didn’t want to get fucked up, they didn’t matter. If an activity didn’t involve drinking, I wasn’t interested. Anything or anyone what didn’t feed my addiction was disposable. 

Now I’m in recovery. I’m drawing. I’m painting. I’m writing. I’m baking. I’m cooking. I’m listening to my friends and supporting them. I’m gardening. I’m sewing. I’m reading. I’m meditating. People want to be around me. I know how to give them space because I’m not afraid of being alone with myself. I just moved in with an amazing friend. I walk our dog daily. I care for our cats. I cook dinner for us. I am able to support their dreams and aspirations the same way she supports mine. I laugh. Genuinely. I smile in real life and not just in facebook photos. I go to meetings and listen to the stories of other addicts. I do service. I am learning how to be confident without being arrogant. For god sakes, people are paying me to create art! What??? How lucky am I? None of this would have been possible without my sobriety. I have a hell of a long way to go and a lot of catching up to do but I am so grateful to be sober today, in this moment. 

I believed that I had to be cruel to the world before it could be cruel to me. I thought being mean and brazen meant being tough. I’m now learning how wrong I was. I was an immature hurt child who played myself off as threatening and mean because I was so scared and insecure in myself. I am learning now that true strength comes in gentleness. It comes with a firm and calm “no” when a boundary needs to be set while being open and understanding of others. True strength speaks for itself. It does not need bravado. 

If you think you might be an addict, you are not alone. The first step is walking into a 12 step meeting. The first step is just considering that you might have a problem. You can stumble into a meeting shit faced if need be. If not using seems impossible, its okay. It seemed impossible to all of us in recovery and we are here for you. Getting clean is hard as hell but I guarantee it’s worth a shot.

If you love an active addict, you are not alone. Please remember to take care of yourself. Addicts are sick and they need to be treated with compassion and professional help but that does not mean that you have to destroy yourself to save us. Alanon meetings are a great option to consider--they are support groups for the loved ones of addicts. They can help you work through hurt and resentment. They can help you come up with tools to protect yourself while supporting the addict in your life, or if necessary, give you the strength to walk away from them.

Trauma is hell. Addiction is insanity. Most people I have met in meetings are trauma survivors like me. We are sick and scared people who are afraid to be alive. Unfortunately most of us can’t break the habit until we have lost everything. Luckily, recovery is possible and for that I am endlessly grateful. 

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

12 step programs are saving my life right now. I am currently on Step 2 and I am really taking my time with each one. I’m not at the steps where I write out my character defects, resentments, and make direct amends to the people I have hurt--that will come later when I have enough sober time to make sure that I can actually back up my words. In the meantime, this is a prelude that no one will probably read. I needed to get it out there though. I’m grateful for my clean slate, my new name, my new home, my fresh start. I think a huge change was necessary but I am aware that I left my old life violently and full of anger. Luckily those resentments are starting to melt away and it is making space for forgiveness and understanding. It is giving me the space to reflect on my mistakes and the pain I have caused others. When I get to Step 8, I will need to make amends to just about everyone who ever got close to me during my active addiction. For some addicts it takes years to get to that step so in the meantime please know that I am sorry, I am changing, and I genuinely wish joy and happiness in your life.

[ostolero]

@torridgristle replied to your post “@torridgristle replied to your post “it’s fucked up how much of my...”

Vyvanse made me like near instantly the happiest and most attentive I've ever been in my entire life, combined with antidepressants though but even on its own it's probably going to do a lot. It's like a smoother Adderall. It makes some people's heart rate go up too much though.

@

@ah okay that’s good to know I will remember

@bromeranian replied to your post “I don’t know literally anything about prescription medication”

u go to the therapist and then they recommend u a psychiatrist and then u go to the pharmacy. 3 steps

I think I’m good riight now unless stuff changes right? I should probably tell my physician that I increased my caffeine intake when I see her next

[defineyourlimits]

July 24th, 2018

Okay this is kinda gonna be a lot and cover a lot of days.

So last Thursday (the 19th) was literally one of the worst days I’ve had in such a long time. I woke up feeling like complete shit and had to drive back to Tuscaloosa for class from home. I had to find my inhaler before I left and it took me a solid 20 minutes to find it and I was sooo afraid I wasn’t going to. Finally I did though. I decided that I would leave early enough to go back to my apartment so I didn’t bring a change of clothes and I didn’t even brush my teeth before I left. I took all my stuff to the car to realize I left my keys back in the house. I went back inside and had to find them. I was finally able to get in my car. It started but it sounded a little weird but I didn’t think much of it. As I was leaving the house, a black cat ran across the yard. It technically didn’t cross my path so I didn’t pay much attention to it. I drove to Crossroads to fill up my tank. As I was trying to leave my car wouldn’t start. Ren’s dad, Coach Jenkins and some other men came over to help me. They jumped my car and I drove to Tuscaloosa. I realized I wouldn’t have time to stop at the apartment anymore, and I didn’t want to just in case my car wouldn’t start back so I drove straight to school. I had to put on a sweater I had in the car so it would at least APPEAR that I changed clothes. I then had to go all day in that sweater even though it was over 90 degrees outside. I also still have not brushed my teeth. I grabbed some cookies from the Ferg for breakfast. I then I took my Cal 3 test (I made a 84 lol). As I was going to leave, of course, my car wouldn’t start, so I had to call UA’s parking services to come jump me, I drove to Warren’s and asked them to change my oil and battery. They didn’t change the battery because they said there was nothing wrong with it, despite me explaining that I had to get it jumped twice. I go home for awhile then decide to go to Target to buy some stuff for this weekend. As I pay for all my stuff, I realize I left my card in the car so I have to go back out and get it. I pay for my stuff, bring it to the car, and the car won’t start. Of course. I call Kristen and she comes and jumps me. I drive back home and instantly go to bed because I couldn’t handle another bad thing happening.

On Friday (the 20th), Kristen drove me to school and I stayed in Carrie’s apartment with Abi. We went to Dazzle Days and of course Brandy had to call me out a few times. It was a lot of fun though because me, Callie, Dezarae, Abi, and Carrie went to Cook Out and all slept in the apartment together.

Saturday (the 21st) was genuinely an amazing day. I was sore and there was a lot of hard moments but I really did love doing this. Being able to learn Yea Alabama and Basketcase meant to much to me. It really helped me push through the day. Also Aaron and Dad went and got my car fixed. After Dazzle Days was over, we ate and slept and hung out. We decided to go get ice cream so I finally met Koby in person and we got to see Mortin again.

Sunday (the 22nd) Callie, Rachel, and I got breakfast at Cracker Barrell while Carrie slept. When I came back, Carrie and I cleaned. She went shopping and I rested for a little. She came back after awhile and then her and I and Hope and Kristen all were talking and we ended up talking about Vyvanse and Adderall so Kristen gave me one of her Vyvanse and one of her Adderall. I took the Vyvanse then (around 5 or 6). It was a small dose so I didn’t feel it much. Carrie and Hope and I hung out for most of the night in Hope’s room. Carrie ends up getting a call from Zach. He got drunk for the first time and needed us to come get him and his car and take him home. On the way home Africa sung by Weezer was playing as Carrie and I drove across the bridge. That moment felt so magical. I barely remember what it felt like now. But it was like one of those moments that reminds you how happy simple things can make you. The girls and I stayed up until 1 or 2 talking. We finally all went to bed

Finally, Monday (the 23rd) I took my Adderall. I ended up timing it perfectly to where it had right as class was starting. I have to say, I loved it. My mind felt clear, I was warm and tingly, I felt very calm. I was able to get a lot done during class. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so present then when I was at my peak high. Like it felt like all that ever existed was right then. I also really liked how it didn’t make me feel sleepy even though I had like 5 hours of sleep and no food. That’s another thing, it hella suppressed my appetite. I also really like that about it. I really like Adderall, it really helped my brain to not feel like there were a million voices inside. I went and baby sat some twins that live in my apartment complex. They were fun and chill. I was just coming off my high and I forced myself to eat some food. Then I came home and saw Carrie for a little. I went shopping at 5 Below and spent the $20 I earned from babysitting. Then Carrie and Hope and I hung out again in Hope’s room. We talked and did homework and stuff. Carrie and Kristen ended up letting me cut their hair.

And now I am probably gonna go to bed so I can start my day. I bought caffeine pills yesterday so I’m gonna see what that’s like today. See if I like it. I think I’m gonna start with one pill of 100mg to see what that does, then adjust from there. I hope it helps with hunger and attention mostly.

[mult1tudes]

October 4,2017- Regroup

This evening was a time of reflection for me. I got off work in the early evening, came upstairs, and took advantage of one of the rare times when I didn’t have to share my time with anyone. 

Life is hard sometimes. We try to find a balance and make everyone happy while juggling being a student, a friend, a son or a daughter, a sibling, a spouse, an employee-sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of just...being you. I’ve been struggling with depression (among other things) for most of my life, and when the balancing act gets overwhelming I struggle with showering regularly, brushing my teeth, keeping my face clean, eating healthily, exercising, and maintaining a regular sleeping schedule. If I’m going to be a less-than-perfect human, why bother keeping up the charade right?

After going through the same cycle over and over again, it seems like it’s getting better to pick up the pieces. In the past year, I’ve finally gotten better about realizing that this isn’t my fault. It’s the first step, really.

Sounds reductive, but bear with me. 

Depression is not your fault. Humans are imperfectly made, and there are some days when your mental illness is a screaming, kicking child on the floor of a department store. You can care for your body and your mental health in the best way you know how, but sometimes it still won’t be enough. And that’s okay.

Now we get to the more complicated part: self care. Sometimes self care is drinking tea and doing yoga and finding a mantra that works for you, but if we’re being honest long-term, sustaining self-care is ugly. That kind of self-care is making yourself eat real food. Self care is going for a walk, even when your body is telling you that you need to either run a marathon or just give up and stay in bed. Self care is making yourself do homework and understanding that getting an 85% so you can rest is more important than getting a 100% and consuming enough Adderall and caffeine to make you hear colors. It takes practice, and sometimes a lot of ugly crying and self-examination to make you more aware of what’s enabling you and what’s helping you take care of yourself.

You can’t leave a cantankerous toddler on the floor at the store, and you can’t suddenly wake up one day and not be mentally ill. That doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to understand it, and learn how to manage it properly. 

[stiffy97]

It's like

All good now. I have no money but what I’ve borrowed for a week. I have nothing but the most mutually beneficial, positive, insightful ship. I have food, water, clothes, a roof with a bed under it, school to go to that I paid for, the dankest marijuana, meds prescribed to keep me alive, a supportive family and a mother that takes care of my million dollar illness.

Why panic in attacks? Why become depressed? What worked up my fight or flight?

The last two days in reverse: - Got hooked on Scandal in the midst of seriously hot sex - work was okay - freaking out about hours of history hw - woke up this morning to find out that my bank account had overdraft fees totalling $120 from $15 worth of stuff - i passed out - borrowed money from omar - went to the gas station to realize I’d lost my debit card so hard Got free shrooms and had a good time at davids house - picked up for me and a friend, bag was short a gram - hung out with sherie - broke my bowl so beautiful now shattered from a 711 parking lot - worked two people’s jobs because my co worker was so sleep-deprived he was shuffling around - ate lamb with rice noodles, onion, mushrooms, and carrots -picked up my car, alignment couldn’t be done bc I have to pay assloads of money to fix the rack & pinion. Car has not long to live with no alignment, someday soon I will break down - freaking out about hours of history homework - dropped my car off for an alignment - woke up late to see sherie, started screaming bc I could feel an anger so deep in mysef that it was strangling me for absolutely no reason - went to sleep at 1 or 2 bc caffeine and adderall

Why? I’m broke, bowlless, in need of a new used car, and cannot for the life of me control my feelings sometimes. It could always be worse, so I’ll keep going, I’ll have all that I want one day, what I need is right in front of my face, not in a bank. I’m not sure how I’ll live without my #1 antidepressant, but I will soon have to learn.

Things can always be worse.