#i’m still kind of dazed and my hands r a little numb and my mom said i look kind of Off.but i got water and i’m cool

[bonetrousled]

well. feel very nauseated and ihave chills and out of it and fainted in the bathroom. mayhem fail

[itstittycitybaby]

What is Lost is Once Found Again (Lin Beifong x fem! reader)

 A/N: this is the angst fic and i have finished editing it. been feeling down lately because of some things so whens a better time to write something angsty? also reader is a firebender bc i feel like firebenders do not get enough love. enjoy yall. 

warnings: angst, emotional/physical abuse, one homophobic slur.

You saw how happy they were. They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. The bouquet of flowers fell from your hands. Its petals falling like the pieces of your heart that shattered. Though, this was your fault wasn’t it? You had introduced them after all and they hit it off. The rest was history. She laughed; Tenzin had made her laugh. Your vision became blurry from the tears in your eyes. You wanted to scream. You had been too late. Lin looked over and waved at you. There was a grin on her face, something you never really saw from her. You swallowed the cry that threatened to claw its way out. The urge to vomit was strong. You waved back weakly. Their attention turned from you and back to them. The fresh wild flowers you had picked for her were now damaged. It didn’t matter anymore. She looked so happy standing next to him. Lin’s green eyes looked a bit soft as she noticed the bouquet. It was a rare sight to see her so happy. Her voice sounded blurry and muddled. It felt like you were watching a movie play out on the big screen of a theatre. Tenzin looked concerned at your state of being. Here you were standing in front of them but you seemed gone. Lin’s voice snapped you out of your daze. 

Her strong features pulled in concern as she called your name softly. “Are you alright?” No, you weren’t. You couldn’t tell Lin how much it hurt to see how happy she was with Tenzin. You couldn’t confess your feelings that you’ve been harboring for a while. Tenzin was your best friend and you didn’t want to ruin how joyful he was. If he knew he’d step aside and let you have her. He’d swallow it all down just for you. Blinking, your lips quivered. “I-I was just going to visit my father’s grave,” you lied. Their faces dropped; they knew how important your father had been to you. “Is that what you were going to give him,” Tenzin asked gently, head motioning to the now ruined flowers on the gravel. At that moment you hated Tenzin. He was so soft and kind that you felt guilty about falling in love with his girlfriend. You nodded, “Doesn’t matter anyways. I-I gotta go...see you later.” They tried to stop you; they called after you but you ignored them. She was gone now. You were too late. They were so enamored with each other now it didn’t matter anymore. The ache in your heart was deep. You felt anchored in the cold icy waters of the ocean but you couldn’t reach out. Cement blocks held your feet every time as you dragged through the sand. The ache in your bones became numb with the cold and every time you screamed you’d choke on the water. He makes her happy, you told yourself. I was too late.

Neither of them really talked to you anymore. It was expected, though. They were a new couple in the honeymoon phase. That’s how your mother put it, the alcohol in her system making her words slur and her movements clumsy. Your father’s anniversary of his death had passed a couple days ago and your mom became even more depressed. You fought the urge to scorch the walls that night when she spat her venomous words towards you. They were a sharp blade but you didn’t care. It would sink its blades into your skin and blood would rise. Eventually, it all became numb. Her sharp hilt of words became numb once more. “It’s your fault he’s dead. It’s your fault he’s gone.” The words stung but she was right. Your father’s death was your fault. “You know,” Tenzin started, his legs swinging off the steps of your porch. “My family will always welcome you.” It was cold that night. The freezing air bit your fingers and the wind whipped your clothes around. Tenzin had come to check up on you. He always did every anniversary. “I know,” you said softly. “I know.”

“No wonder she doesn’t talk to you anymore. A handsome and kind man sweeps Lin off of her feet. I’d do the same.” Your mother was sober this morning. She was back to her usual jabs but the eggs in front of you helped drown her out. You clenched your fork tightly, your knuckles turned white. “Too bad you couldn’t get him first.” You slammed your fist down on the counter. Flames flickered in your hands. Its tongues threatened to burn the counter you sat at. Your mother whipped around, eyes growing wide at your burning hands. You could feel how scared she was. She didn’t bother you anymore that day.

Dammit Tenzin! Lin’s room was warm compared to your frozen house. You always envied her for it but not tonight. You held her tight as she vented about her boyfriend. Well, now ex boyfriend. The thought made you scoff. Pema was a sweet girl but she was selfish. Incredibly selfish. “Am I just unloveable?” You snapped out of your thoughts. Lin didn’t shed any tears but her voice sounded so broken. “No Lin no,” you said softly, rubbing her shoulder supportively. “Tenzin’s just a dumbass. Pema is selfish and wanted to break two people’s happiness. Tenzin was stupid to got for it. You are loveable Lin.” I love you. Lin swallowed thickly; you could see her fighting the tears. “It’s stupid to cry over.” “No,” you exclaimed, pulling her into your chest. “It’s something perfectly justified to cry over! If you wanna cry you should, it’s good to cry.” “Heh. Thanks.”

 You smiled softly. The moon shone on her pale features beautifully through her bedroom window. You had snuck out that night but your mom had drunk herself to sleep. You couldn’t help but think how selfish Pema was to break two people apart. While you had kept your mouth shut and swallowed the hurt, she paraded around with Tenzin. Lin’s bedroom window was open after she helped you in. You felt guilty about throwing a small rock near her window. But, when you heard Tenzin had broken up with her from some gossip in town, you made haste to Lin. The box of fudge from the bakery you had bought for her was almost empty from eating both of your feelings. “Please don’t hurt him,” Lin said softly in your arms. Her eyes were heavy and her breathing was more shallow. “I’ll try not to,” you joked. She laughed. For the first time that night she laughed and your heart swelled at the thought. “Night Lin,” you whispered, setting her gently onto the bed. She snored softly, causing your heart to swell. You kissed her head and ventured home. 

You swung your feet from Lin’s bathroom counter. Tenzin and Lin hadn’t talked in a little over a year. Being your best friend the two of you talked and you gave clipped answers when he’d ask about her. Anytime you saw Pema you felt the rage and felt flames in your palms threatening to burst. You had yelled at him for an hour about how stupid and selfish he was. Aang had to come outside and see what all the ruckus was about. “Fuck,” you said tightly. You came back to the present from the stinging pain of the rubbing alcohol. “Sorry,” Lin muttered. For being such a hardass she was gentle when she needed to be. The cotton ball was soft on your temple, giving you some relief. At least the nosebleed stopped, but your eye was beginning to swell. “She can’t be doing this to you anymore,” she said softly, her brows worrying. For being nineteen, Lin  looked pretty mature. Though, she had always been more stern and responsible even as a kid. 

“It’s fine,” you muttered, brushing it off. You winced at the alcohol again. “No it’s not,” she replied sternly. You could see her green eyes flare up but there was concern and worry underneath it. “If you need somewhere to stay you can stay with me. I don’t want you to have to go through this anymore.” You didn’t interrupt her rant. Interrupting Lin is the equivalent to poking a grumpy old bear/ “What happened this time?” You sighed. You really didn’t want to have this conversation. Lin was open minded about certain things but you weren’t sure about being attracted to the same gender. It was still something you yourself were coming to terms with. Your mother had found out and the glass bottle shattered on the wall. It was meant for your head. “Just her being her usual self. Getting mad at something,” you clipped. Lin could tell you weren’t telling the whole story but she let it drop, thankfully. “All done,” she said. “Thanks.” She nodded in reply. “Do you need to stay here tonight?” “I don’t wanna intrude. I can stay at Kiki’s.” Kiki’s was the bakery you had bought the box of fudge for Lin when Tenzin broke up with her. The owner was always kind to you and knew about your struggles. He was warm hearted and offered you a place to crash from time to time. He reminded you of your father. Lin shook her head. “You’re staying here tonight. Besides, I just got this place and I want to spend time with you.” Your heart warmed at her words. An unrequited crush, two years strong. How sad. Your mother’s words rang in your ears. “How could she ever love a fag like you?” 

It was raining that morning. Kiki’s had hired you as a baker and offered you the room upstairs. Even though firebenders were known to be ambitious, passionate, and more aggressive than others, you had no drive or ambition. You didn’t know what you wanted in life but baking was something you were passionate about. “I’m gonna be out,” you shouted over your shoulder. “Alright be safe,” Maro, the store owner, called out from the back. Swinging your satchel over your shoulder you grabbed the box of leftover donuts for Lin. You balanced the two coffee cups on the box and swiftly left the place. Your bright blue bicycle rested on the side of the bakery. As you mounted your bike you smiled, excited to see Lin today. The two coffee cups sat in the cup holders on the sides of the basket while the donuts sat safely in the basket.The wind whipped through your hair and the rain drizzled lightly. The rain was light but you peddled quickly so the food wouldn’t be ruined. Lin’s wasn’t too far Kiki’s either. It felt freeing to be peddling down the hills; your worries flew away with the sweeping wind. Her apartment came into view. The thought of seeing her made you peddle faster. You placed your bike on the side of the building and pounded up the stairs. You held the box of donuts tightly in your hands, shielding it from the now pouring rain. Your heart quickened as you reached her front door. You had left Kiki’s at eight so she had to be up by now. You knocked on her door. Faintly, you could hear her footsteps. Lin greeted you with a blanket on her shoulders and a white tank top under it. Black sweats hugged her body nicely. The dark circles under her eyes were prominent in the bright gray morning. “What a surprise,” she said, the corners over her lips tugging upwards. You chuckled, “Had some leftovers and decided to visit. It’s been a while.” Her eyes lightened up at the sight of coffee and the delicious pastries. Lin held the door for you as you balanced the goodies and stepped into her apartment.

“Talked to Tenzin finally.” You almost choked on the sprinkled donut you were eating. Lin held her coffee cup in her hands as she glanced down at her kitchen counter. Her plain glazed donut sat on a napkin untouched. You gulped your food down. “That’s..great. What’d he say?” Lin chuckled at your answer. “He apologized, actually.” She sipped her black coffee. “Oh…” you trailed off. You weren’t sure how to respond. He had broken up with her three years ago and now apologized? “I don’t feel anything about it anymore. I was surprised, honestly.” You hummed, sipping your hot chocolate. “Took him long enough.” Lin snorted, “It did. I just can’t help but wonder...why.” You shot a confused glance her way, digging into the box for another sweet. A chocolate donut, this time. You missed the smile Lin had as she saw your childlike wonder and excitement about something so small as a pastry. “No one seems to have any interest in me anymore. Can’t help but wonder if I’m going to die alone,” she joked, taking another sip of her drink. You could hear a bit of sadness in her voice though. Passion bubbled in your chest and before you could think better you opened your mouth. “You’re not gonna die alone Lin. You’re sweet and kind and compassionate. You care about the people you love and are fiercely loyal. You’re intelligent and observant and also snarky. You’re just so….perfect!” The creeping anxiety surged when the answer you met with was silence. Muffled laughter escaped Lin’s lips as she tried to keep a straight face. It was rare; her body shook and the giggles turned into laughter. It rang in your ears and your heart swelled at the perfect sound. Before you could stop yourself, you kissed her.Her lips tasted like coffee and mint. She smelt like earth, paper, and leather. Her lips were soft and plush. Your eyes widened and immediately you pulled back. “I-I’m so s-sorry I-,” you sputtered, scurrying away from her. Lin just stared. There was no expression on her face as she looked at you. You felt tears run down your cheeks before you had a chance to stop them. A heavy lump sat in your throat and you dashed to get your bag. You left without another word, slamming Lin’s door behind you. She didn’t even try to stop you. 

“I’m a fucking idiot,” you sobbed, the rain pouring, soaking you to the bone. You peddled faster, sobs unleashing from your throat. The road was hard to see from the rain and your blurry vision. You didn’t care, if something or someone hit you you would accept your fate. Hell, that would be a good one. Better than losing Lin for good. Once you wheeled your bike to it’s spot you dashed into Kiki’s. Customers sat at tables leaving the workers distracted so you bolted upstairs. You didn’t feel like having Maro interrogate your crying right now. As much as you loved the big jolly man, you couldn’t let him see you like this. You changed out of your wet clothes and threw on something comfortable. For the rest of the day you let your blankets embrace you and cried your heart out. Eventually, you drifted off to sleep.

It was five pm once you woke up again. The memory of kissing Lin and acting so stupid made you curse. Tears threatened to spill again and you trembled. A soft knock snapped you out of your thoughts. “Come in,” you croaked. Maro opened the door poking his head in. “Are you alright?” The dam broke loose. Instantly you were a sobbing mess again. The man who was almost like your father closed the door quickly and held you in his arms. “What happened,” he cooed, rocking you back and forth. You told him everything;about your mother, your father, and Lin. After you were finished he kissed the top of your head. “Give her some time. She’ll come around with an answer for you soon. She’d be lucky to have you.” “Thanks Maro,” you sniffled, wiping your eyes. A few moments of silence stretched. You didn’t believe his words, something told you that you pushed Lin away for good.“I think I’m gonna have to leave.” The giant man beneath you squawked. “I need to learn how to control my firebending still. I’ve shut it away for so long, I think it’s time now.” Maro sighed, “I knew this day would come. You’re sure of it? What if Lin comes for you?” You shook your head. “I don’t think she will Maro.” “Alright. When you come back, you have a home here at Kiki’s. Y’know that right?” “I-I know. Thank you Maro.”

The next morning Maro and his brother waved you off. Maro cried as he gave you one last hug and a box of sweets for the go. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you said goodbye to your only family. “T-thank you Maro for everything. I never deserved your kindness.” “Yes you do, you’re family. You’re my daughter,” Maro blubbered. Even Maro’s brother who was a stone faced man had tears in his eyes You smiled. Your lips quivered and tears streamed down your face. “I love you guys,” you choked out. “I-I’ll be back soon I promise.” With one last goodbye you made your way to Tenzin and his family for a farewell.Tenzin was sad to see you go but he understood. Some journeys were meant to be traveled alone. Aang wished you the best of your travels and sent a wool cloak with you. It was soft and the warmest thing you ever owned. Pema was there, and you were civil with her, but after what she had done to Lin you didn’t see her the same. Tenzin had given you an amulet he was keeping for you and it hung around your neck proudly. You hurried to the docks of Republic City. Missing the boat would certainly add to your already dampened spirits. As you swept through the streets you couldn’t help but think of Lin. The wounds were still fresh but you trudged on. Like a coward, you ran.

Your room was barren and cold. ‘Had it always been this cold,’ Lin thought. The baker, Maro, looked sad today. It was unusual for he was joyful and warm. But today his flame had been blown at, the smoke curling around his heart. Lin was paralyzed when you had kissed her. She couldn’t move until it was too late. A white envelope sat on your desk. Lin. She ran to the desk and ripped it open. As she read it, her eyes widened and her eyes felt watery. Dammit. She was too late. Lin flung the letter on the floor and bolted to the docks. The white parchment paper sifted through the air gracefully until it fell on the ground.

Lin,

I’m sorry. I did what must be done.

 Goodbye,

xx

“No!” Lin cried out as the boat sailed away from view. Tears spilled from her cheeks and her teeth clenched. Her fists were balled tightly and her face twisted in anguish. You were gone, forever. She stood on the busy docs;people went around her throwing dirty looks her way. She didn’t care. They went around her mumbling under their breaths. She had been too late. “Line five, ship is boarding, line five, ship is boarding,” the guy called out. Lin perked up. Were you still here? Quickly, she scanned the line. Her heart stopped. She recognized the familiar body and the wool cloak shrouded protectively across their shoulders. Lin bounded over to you. Her hand grabbed your wrist tightly and she pulled you out of the line. “Hey-” your eyes widened as you saw her. “Lin? What are you-” “You’re an idiot you know that?” You gulped. You didn’t think Lin would talk to you anymore but her anger wasn’t unexpected. “I-I’m sorry,” you said softly, averting her intense gaze. “I-I wasn’t thinking clearly and I admit that. But if you’ve come here to ridicule me-” Lin smashed your lips with hers. A muffled squeak in surprise left you but you melted into her touch. Lin’s hands held your face tightly and her chest brushed up against yours. You sighed into the kiss allowing her tongue to enter your mouth and gently sucking on yours. She pulled away;both of you out of breath. Your cheeks heated up at the realization that the love of your life liked you back. “How long have you loved me,” Lin asked softly. Her eyes shone with fondness as she looked at you. “You know when you started dating Tenzin?” She nodded. “I was gonna confess to you then.” Lin’s eyes widened in shock. “Why didn’t you tell me?” You smiled sadly, “You looked so happy. I didn’t want to ruin that.” Lin kissed you again. Her hands held your waist in a tight grip and she bent you lower. You giggled, grabbing her face for support. There were tears in her eyes as she looked at you. You felt your eyes start to water and you laughed softly. “I love you,” Lin whispered, tears threatening to spill. “Don’t you ever leave me again.” You smiled, you were crying again but these were happy tears instead. Gently, she wiped the spilling tears from your cheeks with her thumbs. They felt a bit rough but you couldn’t complain. You nodded, swallowing thickly. “I love you too Lin.”

[scribblescrabblebabble]

FMA Gift Exchange 2019!

Title: Snow Day

Rating: T+

Relationships: Roy Mustang/ Edward Elric; Trisha Elric/ Van Hohenheim

Cross- Posted on AO3 (link)

This is my (kinda late :/ ) gift to @melissamelody for the @fmagiftexchange on Tumblr. They said that anything would do, and I was inspired to do a cute fluffy snow thing because I have never gotten a lot of snow over the holidays due to where I live, and I'm finally about to get some up at my college, so it has been on my mind a lot! I hope you enjoy!

------------------------------------

It took Ed several loud thunks to realize he had been awoken by snowballs. On his window. Flicking his gaze to the alarm clock a foot from his face, Ed rolled his eyes and nestled deeper into his pillow.

          ‘8:00 am! What kind of cruel fuckery is this?’

The thuds continued for far too long, hitting square in his window just when he thought the tirade over. After about the millionth thud, a new sound disgraced Ed’s sleepy daze: the loud buzz of his phone on the mattress by his ear. With an indignant grunt, he rolled his face to the edge of the pillow (out of the nice, warm divot his head had made through the night) to glance at the screen.

           ‘Message from Roy <3 : Get up! Hands r numb from snowballs :( ‘

“Of fucking course,” Ed grumbled, pulling himself blankets and all from bed and over to the window that stood mockingly across the room from him. He pushed the window open as far as it would go, leaning out into the frigid winter air cocooned into his comforter indignantly.

Below him stood his stupid neighbor-boyfriend, covered to the hat in flakes of snow and a truly ridiculous number of floral coats and scarves. Around him spots of frozen grass were visible where the teen had scooped up snow to form his projectile annoyances. He smiled radiantly up at Ed’s scowl, “Morning! Look, it’s snowing!”

Ed rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I can tell, dumbass Southerner. You look like you’ve been rolling around in that shit for hours.”

In response, Roy just shrugged, still grinning like an idiot, “And you look like a quilted burrito.”

“…Paisley marshmallow.”

“Grumpy caterpillar.”

“Bastard.”

“Killjoy—Oh, good morning Mrs. Elric!” Sure enough, Ed turned to where Roy looked, spotting his mom’s head poking out from the front corner of his house.

“I thought I heard something! What’re you doing out here Roy?” Trisha asked.

“Serenading your son, ma’am.”

Ed snorted, “Yeah, with projectile snow. Mom, tell him to stop being shitty and let me sleep.” Trisha looked up, noticing Ed’s disgruntled form. She laughed, “Oh my, I see I’ve interrupted! Roy, dear, why don’t you come inside and have some coffee? You look near frozen.”

Ed let out a betrayed shout following Roy’s polite ‘yes ma’am’, “You’re supposed to be on my side Mom!”

Trisha scoffed, “And pass up the chance pick on you? Oh, please, I’m your mother! Get dressed, it’s a beautiful day to be up early.”

“Ugh, fine.” The blonde stuck his tongue out at Roy’s smirk before pulling his head from outside, relishing in the warmth of his room tingling against his cold cheeks.

He hefted the window closed, letting his comforter fall to the wayside in the process. After struggling into a less-rumpled sweater and jeans, Ed gave his invitingly unmade on last, wistful look before leaving his room to face whatever bad joke he could hear Roy politely laughing at downstairs. In the kitchen, Ed found his boyfriend (shed of his comical layers of warmth) receiving a mug of coffee from a scrub-clad Trisha at the table, his similarly-clothed dad tapping away on his phone by the counter where it was plugged in.

“Work day?” Ed asked, making Hohenheim look up. “We were called in a minute ago. Apparently, the snow caught a lot of people by surprise and the ER’s packed.”

“And because a ton of people are injured, you decided to wear matching cat scrubs?” The blonde teen took the coffee proffered to him by his mom and sat by Roy, who kicked his foot lightly in greeting. He kicked back.

“It couldn’t have been a nice coincidence?” Trisha asked innocently.

“Absolutely not.” Ed deadpanned, sipping the coffee and finding it pleasantly over-sweetened. He turned to Roy, whom he found gazing out the window at the flake-coated tree in the (other) neighbor’s lawn. The former elbowed the arm not holding a mug of coffee and asked, “What haven’t you done yet in the snow? Since I just so happen to be up this early, we might as well do something.”

The dark-haired teen was silent for a moment, sipping thoughtfully at his drink, “I’ve really only been in my yard today. Maybe we should walk around.”

Trisha interjected before Ed could comment, “That’s a lovely idea! The park always looks beautiful in this weather. Just be careful; as much as I love spending time with you, Ed, I don’t want you making any unexpected visits to us at work today. You wither, Roy, your aunt would have a fit.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Kissass.”

“It’s my Southern hospitality, Ed.”

The aforementioned scoffed, “You’ve been out of there for like a year and a half, the hospitality shoulda worn off by now.”

Roy faked an affronted look, “A gentleman never loses his hospitality!”

“A gentleman who throws snow at his boyfriend to wake him up at 8 am?”

“Yep!”

Ed let out a small laugh, “You’re hopeless. C’mon, it’ll take half an hour just to put all of your coats back on- best go ahead and get started.”

“I like being warm. ‘S not my fault Riza stole my good coat to walk Hayate.”

“You aren’t going to have breakfast?” Hohenheim asked Ed as he grabbed his keys and herded his giggly wife out the door.

“I’ll eat later.” Ed waved his parents off as they closed the door, leaving the young couple sitting with their coffees at the small kitchen table. The blonde turned to the other, “My family’s way too used to you, you know that?”

“I prefer to think they’re just the right amount used to me,” he stood, walking to his coat-pile, “Besides, I could say the same for you and Aunt Chris.

Ed huffed, moving beside Roy and taking his thick red coat from its hook, “That’s different- Miss Chris’s been out neighbor forever. My folks’ve only known you for like a year. You’re just way too charming for a seventeen-year-old.”

“Seventeen and a half, thanks. And you’re too grumpy for a sixteen-and-three-quarters-year-old. Ready?” He had just finished putting his final scarf (purple with blue roses) on as Ed yanked some gloves on and opened the front door.

The blonde was still cringing from the blast of cold air as Roy sped out into the blanketed lawn. He gained his bearings and joined, standing with his boyfriend in the whiteness.

“It’s so peaceful.” The older teen commented, looking into the cloudy sky serenely.

Ed hummed his agreement, crunching over to the shoveled-off sidewalk, “Let’s go,” he said with a small smile.

Side by side, the two strolled in peaceful silence, Roy taking in the new scenery and Ed silently enjoying his boyfriend’s company. The park sat two blocks from their houses, and since the neighborhood did not boast of a huge population of children, the mid-morning snow sat untouched on the park’s grass and benches.

“Your mom was right, Ed, it really is beautiful here. Look at the trees!” Roy exclaimed, grabbing Ed’s gloved hand in his own and dragging him further into the space. They ended up under one of said trees, the branches little black outlines against the piles of snow atop them. Both were content to be close to one another, looking around at the scenery for a time.

The moment, of course, was not destined to last, as just then two particularly large snowballs collided with their faces quite spectacularly. Both teens startled back, stuttering and wiping the freezing material off of their faces. Ed whipped his face to the tree’s large trunk, behind which he could hear uproarious laughter and two excited dogs’ barking.

Just as Roy shouted an indignant, “Riza!”, Ed yelled, “Fuck off Winry! You too Al!” Three giggling blonde heads popped out from around the tree, Den and Hayate yipping at their heels.

Quicker to react than Ed, Roy responded to the attack with a chunk of snow to Riza’s face. She was still in shock, then grinned and made to form a new ball. They scattered, laughing, and the wintry war was on.

~End~

[machihunnicutt]

Not Selfish

Chapter 4 (final chapter)

(Or read on ao3.)

Jared answered the door. He looked kind of frazzled and flushed and he grinned wildly as he pulled him inside. "Thank God you're here. We've just been staring at each other and not saying anything for the past 8 minutes."

"That sounds fucking awful why are you smiling."

"Con, he likes us. He likes us and he told me. C'mon." Jared linked his hand in Connor's and Connor felt sweaty and insecure again.

"You're sure he mentioned me?"

"Of course I'm sure asshole. Let him tell you himself."

Evan was standing in the middle of the living room, eyes shifting. He looked like a nervous wreck. "Hey Hansen," Connor said. He hadn't let go of Jared's hand.

"I'm sorry I cut you off Ev but we were kind of planning on asking you something. Can you tell Murphy what you told me?" Jared began.

"I um...I like Jared and I like you. I like you both...r-romantically. I'm not sure I made that clear last time but that's what I mean. Um...so...sorry? I guess, because I think I made it weird but then again I don't know what you guys are going to ask me so you should probably talk and I'll stop talking."

"Um." God his hands were sweaty. He was surprised the hand holding Jared's hadn't simply slipped from his grasp. He looked over at Jared for confirmation. He got it with a nod. "We we're going to tell you that we like you romantically too and ask if you might want to talk about dating."

"Dating both of us," Jared cut in."In case that wasn't clear."

"It was clear," Evan squeaked. And Connor couldn't help but laugh. He'd always kind of hated his laugh. It was too loud and kind of dorky and weird sounding. He'd never brought it up in case other people didn't notice it the way he did. Jared released his hand and punched his arm.

"Is that a yes Ev? Do you wanna try this? Are we all gonna try to date?"

"I've never..." he began.

"Neither have I," Connor cut in.

"Same here," Jared added.

"This is new for all of us Hansen. But it could be great if we try it," Connor said.

"It could be really great," Evan said, chewing on his lip.

"I'm glad you guys think so too," Jared said.

"So yes?" Connor asked.

"Yes," Evan replied. "Yes, absolutely."

"That wasn't so hard was it Kleinman?"

Jared released Connor's hand and instead of punching him like before he wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him close. "You were nervous too dummy don't put it all on me." He was caught off guard by the casual closeness of the gesture and felt his face going red.

"You were nervous?"

"I mean of course I was Ev. You dated a lot of people that weren't us. I didn't think you were interested in me as anything more than a friend. Not that I don't fucking adore being your friend because I do. I love being your friend."

"I love being your friend too," Evan echoed. Jared ushered the two of them to the couch. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I'm sorry I went on all those dates when I could've just been honest with you guys. I was just trying to evade the issue."

"Evasion dating," Connor said with sudden clarity.

"Yes!" He threw his hands up in the air. "Alana rolled her eyes when I called it that."

Connor had gone out with guys to avoid talking to his family. He'd kissed guys in darkened rooms that swirled with smoke when he felt too numb to even be sad or angry. Evasion had never really worked out.

"No I get it. I've been there."

"Well I can roll my eyes at the both of you then," Jared said. He still had his arm tucked around Connor's waist.

"How do you evade things then Kleinman?"

"I eat shitty food, Jared said at the same time as Evan said "He eats shitty food."

"So we should probably talk about all this right? Talk about expectations? Set some ground rules?"

Evan and Jared were looking at him like he had two heads. Holy fuck was he the best communicator in this relationship? This was definitely the first time he could be considered adequately well adjusted.

"I mean...communication is key here right?" He continued cautiously.

"Right," Evan said. He put his hand on Connor's knee and for a second the rest of Connor (save his rational brain) wanted to table the communication bit. "You're right. Why don't you go first?" Jared nodded and Connor shook his head in amusement.

"Alright, I will. My understanding is that we'll see each other but no one else and that we'll go on dates as a trio whenever possible. And we'll uh..." he flushed.

"Approach sex the same way," Jared filled in. "Is that what you were going to say because I'm on board with everything you've said so far."

"Yeah, that's what I was going to say."

"So if one of us is busy it's okay if the other two go out by themselves?" Evan asked. "Because I'm fine with that as long as you guys let me know you're not just leaving me out because you don't want me there."

"Same here. But can we talk about that for a second?" Jared pulled his a back and crossed both arms over his chest. "We're all like...pretty insecure people yeah?"

Connor and Evan nodded.

"I'm still processing the idea that either of you are actually attracted to me...which is something I know I need to work on. But if this is going to work out we probably need to get used to trusting each other and talking about it when we feel insecure about something in the relationship."

"Yes," Evan said. "Y-yes, to all of that."

"Can I just say that I'm finding this healthy communication super hot?" Connor said, because he was. The other two laughed.

"Ev can I kiss you?" Jared asked. "Is it okay if I kiss him first? Or maybe it should be you since I kissed you first? Or oh god, Evan what do you want to do?"

"The order of things doesn't matter a whole lot to me," Evan said.

"Me too." Connor agreed.

"Oh...okay so..."

"If you don't mind then can I kiss you first Jared?" Evan asked.

"Okay," he said. Connor leaned back and the other two adjusted so they were facing each other. Jared leaned in halfway and Evan bridged the rest of the gap. Connor didn't think he'd ever seen Evan kiss anyone before. He looked like a good kisser. It looked like a good kiss. Evan pulled away first, lips looking very pink. Jared looked kind of dazed in a happy kind of way and Connor laughed again.

"Is he giving me a run for my money Kleinman?"

"Not better," he muttered. "Not worse. Just different. Different and really good."

Evan grinned. "Yeah? I thought it was really good too."

"Now kiss Murphy," Jared said. "Go for it. We have to swap notes." Connor had laughed too much today. They were going to get sick of his stupid laugh. Evan kissed him and it was just as nice as he thought it'd be in high school. His insides felt warm and he lifted his hands to cup Evan's face. He felt kind of dumb whenever he did that but it was sort of an involuntary reflex to reach out and touch when he was kissing someone he really liked.

"Damn Evan," he said when they broke away. "We should have done this a long time ago."

"We should've," Jared repeated. "Hey Con, did you know that Evan has never seen Mamma Mia?"

"Holy shit Hansen what have you been doing all your life?"

"That's what I said. Do you want to rent it?"

"So is this l-like a d-date now?"

Jared shrugged. "A pre-date maybe. We can probably do better for our first date."

"Are you ready for Meryl Streep to blow your mind with the music of ABBA?" Connor asked. Evan smiled at him and his nose crinkled in an almost criminally cute way.

"Definitely."

"Great," Jared said. "You queue it up and I'll make the popcorn." He got up to leave but Connor stopped him for a moment.

"Since we talked about talking about insecurities and stuff I thought I'd say...er um, ask. Is my laugh as annoying as I think it is?"

***

Their real first date was at a diner. The split a milkshake three ways (sharing with three straws was more awkward and hilarious than practical). Then Connor and Jared had been really nice in helping him study for his final while they shared sandwiches and fries even when Evan apologized profusely for ruining the mood.

"It doesn't have to be all that different from doing things together before," Connor had said gently. "Just more kissing and holding hands and saying gay shit."

There had been a lot of all of that in the weeks since then. They were on winter break now so many days consisted of curling up on the couch under Evan's big green comforter with hot chocolate and bad movies. They switched off who got to sit in the middle. Evan liked when it was his turn because sometimes Connor fell asleep on his shoulder at the same time as Jared held his hand under the blanket.

He'd told his mom about his boyfriends. He was quite scared to do it but he didn't want to hide things from her and in the end she was nothing but happy for him, albeit initially a bit confused. He'd cried a little that day from nervousness and then relief. They'd had a really nice group hug after that.

Everything seemed nicer with three. Dinner conversation never dragged. Connor and Jared made pasta again, this time under better circumstances. Time spent with the two of them felt warm and open. They didn't sleep in the same bed all the time (Connor had a place of his own and there was a reason three to a bed wasn't considered a long time practicality for adults) but when they did—curled into each other, arms and legs dangling off the edges of the bed at times, Jared mumbling things in his sleep and Connor's face all freckled and soft with sleep—when they did it found ways to be nice.

"Hey honey," Jared leaned over the back of the couch to kiss him. He handed him a mug of mint tea (coffee made Evan too jittery.) and walked around to take a seat beside them. There were only a few days left of their vacation and Evan really didn't want to deal with class again. "Are you stressing about school already?" Jared asked gently.

Evan tried to wipe the worried expression off of his face with limited success. "A little. I'm always stressed about school but it's worth it. I worked so hard to be here and I'm not going to let myself get in my own way. And I know I'm not alone." He glanced over at Jared and gripped the warm mug tighter.

"You're not. I'm proud of you Ev."

"Thanks. I think I'm proud of me too."

"I was thinking we could get dressed and then ambush Murphy, who I will bet you five bucks is still sleeping and take him to brunch."

"Deal. I think that's an excellent idea. Your boots aren't all wet from yesterday are they?"

"A little. They're shitty snow boots. I need new ones."

"You should wear some of my thick socks. I've got an extra pair."

"You need new boots too doofus. You're feet are always ridiculously cold even with socks."

"Take my socks. And I'm going to borrow your sweatshirt."

"That's not really mine I stole it from Connor," Jared smirked at him. "Now isn't this all just sickeningly domestic?"

"Shut up, you like it."

"Yeah I like it."

"Am I allowed to text Connor or does that mean I'm cheating on the bet?"

"One text, no call. I'm gonna take a shower, leave in 20?"

"Sure." Jared left and he pulled out his phone

To Connor <3 :

I get $5 from Jared if ur awake. See u soon :D

***

It was another party. Evan was talking to another guy across the room but this time he was balancing three cans of soda, one of which was for Jared, the other for Connor.

"It's like we're back to the beginning," Connor said wistfully from his place beside Jared.

"I'm still not going to get high with you on a stranger's porch if that's what you're trying to get at babe."

"That's not what I mean Kleinman," he laughed. He was doing more of that now that they were all dating. "I mean we're here, alone together, thinking about how much we like him..." Jared raised an eyebrow. "At least I am. But this time it isn't sad or angry. This time we're all here together." Connor kissed him on the cheek in a truly sappy fashion and he grinned.

"We're probably going to have some horrible fight soon. We're due for one."

"I'm sure we will." Jared's expression grew murky and Connor continued. "But we'll get through it. The three of us have gotten through a lot of shit. I think collectively we've gotten through a shitload of shit."

"What are we talking about?" Evan asked,

"Murphy's Littlest Pet Shop collection."

Evan's face lit up. "I loved Littlest Pet Shops."

"I don't have Littlest Pet Shop collection."

"C'mon you at least had a turtle. The turtles are the cutest. I bet you traded some kid a Lunchables dessert for it. Don't look at me like that Con you were definitely a Lunchables kid if not in physical Lunchables then in spirit."

"I beg to differ Jared, I think the iguana's the cutest."

"But he's a Lunchables kid right Ev?" Evan handed him a can of Mountain Dew and Connor an Orange Fanta, keeping the Sprite for himself.

"We were talking about how different things are since the last party we all went to and how nice it is to be here as boyfriends and not pining losers. I mean that endearingly of course."

"Of course," Jared repeated with an eye roll.

"And then Kleinman got worried about a hypothetical future fight."

"Well when you say it like that it sounds dumb."

"Exactly." Connor's eyes crinkled. His hair wasn't as greasy anymore, not that he really minded it greasy in the first place.

"We'll probably fight," Evan said contemplatively. "But a relationship is like a garden y'know. No matter what you do you're gonna get weeds. That doesn't mean all your tomatoes and marigolds aren't worth it."

"I love it when you hit me with those plant analogies," Jared said.

"He can drop a sick plant analogy."

"My boyfriends are such dorks."

Maybe Jared Kleinman was more than a joke. Maybe three people who all felt a little broken and worthless at times could find something nice and good and whole together. Maybe that wasn't selfish at all.