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thesearchforspirk · 7 years ago

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1 x 8: ‘Balance of Terror’ {Subtext Study}

Please read my manifesto here if you haven’t already- it better explains my beliefs as per the Kirk/Spock dynamic and what I aim to accomplish with this blog.

An admittedly shorter study as this episode is without any strong Kirk/Spock interaction to mull over. There are some interesting possible parallels here, but even in that respect I’m not sure I’ll say anything that the TOS Commentary hasn’t already said about this episode. For all these reasons this episode was a bit of a white elephant for me, so if you want to skip this write-up I’ll understand. Either way:

Our episode opens with a wedding on board ship and never has Kirk looked happier to perform his duties as Captain. The fact that this wedding goes smoothly is very important to him (because he cares that much about his crew and is that much of a romantic and I just love him ok) so when he gets a message from Spock that some Earth outposts are in trouble he privately, quietly acknowledges so that no one else will hear. Some shit is about to go down for sure.

(the fact that Scotty escorts the bride down the aisle thrills me to no end- it has nothing to do with this blog, I’m just a shameless Scotty fangirl)

Sure enough the shit does, indeed, hit the fan and two Earth outposts are attacked by some mysterious vessel. The wedding must be abandoned and postponed (someone really does NOT ship this) so everyone can assume emergency battle stations as the Enterprise runs to help. On the bridge Kirk tries to gain as much info as he can about the attackers, though there doesn’t seem to be any definite info. A certain navigator is keen to help though, offering up, “there can’t be much doubt who’s attacking, sir”.

He may be right about that, as it seems the earth outposts are in place to guard the neutral zone, an area agreed upon after a war with the Romulans a long time ago. It turns out said navigator had family members who died in that war so he’s got a bone to pick with the Romulans. Kirk tells him, however, that it was their war and not his so don’t make this a personal thing, bub...even if the attacker of the hour is Romulan, I guess.

Spock replies that a few of the earth outposts have been completely decimated, indicating that the Romulan power must be greater than they thought. Kirk and Spock exchange some concerned looks as the gravity of their situation becomes apparent.

Do you remember our cute wedding couple from earlier? We see them again, hard at work in what appears to be the engineering sector. The groom says, “Happy wedding day- almost.” and the bride jokes, “You won’t get off my hook this easily. I’m gonna marry you mister, battle or phaser weapons notwithstanding.” “Well, meanwhile, temporarily, at least, I’m still your superior officer- so get with it, Mister!” So, apparently cutie pie groom who has a striking resemblance to another certain cutie pie on the ship is his bride-to-be’s superior officer. She just so happens to be seated at a control panel acknowledging orders. I guess that’s pretty inconspicuous enough.

(yeah...nothing to see here)

More on this later.

The bridge crew have to watch helplessly as Outpost 4 is taken out while they’re talking to one of the guys on it. Despite being surrounded by iron and deflector screens the Romulans were still able to disintegrate another outpost so, understandably, Kirk and Spock share some more increasingly concerned looks. After this, Spock says that the vessel appears to be turning back towards Romulus. Kirk wants the Enterprise to follow the ship silently, but the navigator argues (as well as Sulu) that all decks should maintain security alert. Since the vessel was able to do so much in such a short time, it could be that there are spies aboard. Kirk decides to oblige them (another thing I love about Kirk- not letting his crewman talk down to him, but taking and considering and sometimes even heeding advice when its given to him by his inferior officers).

Anyway, Spock manages to get a peek into their ship and what do you know, it’s Sarek! I mean. It’s a Romulan. Same actor as Spock’s dad. The significance here is that they look like Vulcans. It’s telling that it seems everyone looks over at Spock in some kind of horrified realization, except for Kirk- though I think ultimately this is more testament to Kirk’s character than it is anything subtextual; he’s not the sort of person to assume that a person’s resemblance to someone else means they’re in some kind of cahoots with them because he’s not a racist asshole.

Until Undiscovered Country, anyway. Anyway!

Everyone else is staring accusatory at him though and I guess Spock can feel the eyes on him, because he looks over at a very hostile bridge. Kirk is having none of it. He sweeps around the bridge, most of the eyes going back to their work as he passes except for the impassioned navigator. Kirk has to tap said navigator’s panel to remind him where his gaze should be. Even still, this jackass can’t help himself but mutter that Spock should be in charge of decoding anything from the Romulan ship.

You’d think most people on the Enterprise would know what a dumb thing that’d be to say in Kirk’s presence, but alas.

Kirk orders that he repeats himself and offers that he really means he’s complimenting Spock on his ability to decode. Navigator says he’s ‘unsure’ of that. Kirk spins his chair around and says, “Well, here’s one thing you can be sure of, Mister. Leave any bigotry in your quarters, there’s no room for it on the bridge.” and the navigator gets the message- as one would hope.

It should be noted that Spock’s reaction when Kirk starts laying into the guy says a lot about how Kirk must usually react when someone talks smack about his first officer. I have no doubt Spock could handle himself if he had been left to do so, but Kirk won’t hear of that. So, in my humble opinion, this is still a precious moment between them even if not anything irrefutably subtextual.

(this is totally an ‘oh shit he’s gonna kill him’ look if you ask me)

Meanwhile we get an inside look into the Romulan’s ship and see an exchange between Captain Sarek and who appears to be his second in command. They talk of war and stuff, the point being they seem to know each other well and are brothers in arms. We also get a preemptive look into the fact that Captain Sarek and Kirk seem to think a lot alike as commanders. It would seem a parallel is being drawn here perhaps.

So, what about the almost-married couple? Their presence in this certainly isn’t incidental and is yet another pairing of people who know each other well, have fought and worked alongside each other, but seem to share a romantic layer to their relationship as well.

Huh. Interesting stuff, that.

Kirk calls another emergency briefing, including the bigoted navigator from before. He makes some more implications about Spock knowing all about “these people”, to which Kirk tells him to back off again, but Spock actually agrees with him, that if the Romulans are anything like how Vulcans were in the pre-logic time then attack is necessary. Thankfully, they also realize that a comet is nearby and if the Romulans should go through the tail they would end up dragging out debris enough to be spotted even with their cloaking device.

They attempt this in what appears to be a huge gamble- and lose. Captain Sarek has them turn away at the last minute, having guessed Kirk’s move. Kirk himself says “He did exactly what I would’ve done” further cementing a parallel between him and Captain Sarek. They do manage to finally hit the Romulan vessel by firing blind, which causes the second in command to sacrifice himself by being hit by falling debris in order to push Captain Sarek out of the way.

Unfortunately for the Enterprise something short-circuits (near Spock’s panel for some reason) and they’re helpless when the Romulans fire back at them. They back up enough that the shot doesn’t hit them as hard as it might have. Rand also uses the opportunity to press herself against Kirk a bunch and he obliges her, but once again looks moreover pretty uninterested. Can’t blame a girl for trying. We also get another shot of cute almost-married couple, groom-to-be helping bride-to-be to her feet after the impact. So. That’s a thing. Just file it away for now.

More parallels are drawn to the way Kirk and Captain Sarek think and the Romulan second in command is hurt and eventually dies. Fortunately, Spock has the phasers working again, which for reasons I do not understand, rely on the wiring beneath his panel. Whatever, technology. He sure looked cute lying there fixing it, anyway. Kirk is full and ready to violate neutral zone treaty to follow and finish the Romulan vessel if needed, but Captain Sarek utilizes some trickery by throwing debris and the body of his second in command out the side of the ship. Spock and Kirk call his bluff, but have lost the ship on the senors. They decide to turn everything off and hide to see if the Romulan vessel will reveal itself.

The waiting game lasts over nine hours, in which Kirk goes back to his room, conflicted. Rand walks in to offer him something to eat and he looks rather loathe to see her, honestly- but he’s polite and tells her no thanks and please make sure the door closes behind her on the way out, thanks very much. However, when McCoy walks in Kirk looks genuinely pleased and relieved. Rand, honey, it may be time to swim for open waters. Anyway, he and McCoy have a sweet moment in which Kirk is feeling lost and stressed under the circumstances and McCoy says there’s only one of him, only one that could get them through this situation.

Back on the bridge their silence is interrupted when Spock accidentally presses a signal button (which is hilarious in and of itself) and of course now racist navigator is newly convinced Spock is some kind of Romulan spy (to which Kirk attempts to assure him otherwise). Kirk manages to match the Romulan vessel’s moves by blanket firing again, but Captain Sarek’s got another trick up his sleeve; he sends out a nuclear warhead with the debris. Kirk manages to intercept it with a phaser but the Enterprise suffers its own casualties.

The two of them remain in a holding pattern as Captain Sarek is hesitant to attack again, he just wants to go home- alas, he has a duty to crush the enemies of his homeland. He seems as tired as Kirk, honestly. Racist navigator moves to go help groom-to-be with weapons control and when Spock asks if they need any help, he spits back, “This time we’ll do things without your help, Vulcan.” It’s no way address a superior officer and maybe Spock should’ve said something- or maybe he realizes now isn’t the time or place. Either way, he leaves without reprimand just as the weapons room begins to flood with, uh...toxic purple gas, I suppose.

Anyway, time’s up for the Romulan vessel. They hit critically, Kirk interfaces with Captain Sarek one last time and they relate as kindred spirits before Captain Sarek is forced to self destruct. Elsewhere, Spock has managed to rescue racist navigator from the purple gas (and Kirk pointedly asks Spock first if he’s alright even though it’s the navigator that’s laying wounded on the table lmao) but was not able to save groom-to-be.

Kirk goes to comfort the bride and says, “It never makes any sense. We both have to know that there’s a reason.” She assures him she’s alright, but Kirk looks to be on the verge of tears after she leaves. He’s defeated the Romulan vessel, but there’s no victory in it on either side.

While, again, this episode lacks any strong subtextual interaction directly between our boys, it is interesting that the two other pairings featured (Captain Sarek + his second in command, the groom/bride to be) hold resemblances to the both of them and the various aspects of their dynamic. It would certainly have been sufficient to have had the Romulan commander and his SiC be the only parallel present, there really isn’t much need for the soon-to-be married couple that I can think of outside of plot stakes. Heck, we don’t even see much of them. I would argue the stakes are high enough in this episode without the engaged couple, so what purpose do they really serve?

Indeed, it could simply be an addition they put in to highlight just how tragic war is- as Kirk and Captain Sarek come to find within one another, even without the groom’s death. For this reason, this explanation is a bit flimsy, given especially that we already have a parallel drawn between the Romulan commander and his SiC. Groom-to-be even looks like Kirk and happens to be his bride’s superior officer. Coincidence? The universe is rarely so lazy.

That’s about all I have for this episode. I anticipate something a bit meatier to chew on with our next episode, “What Are Little Girls Made Of?”

#spirk #space husbands #balance of terror #episode eight #season one #slash #subtext study #star trek tos #this one is boring sorry yall

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nerdmars · 7 years ago

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MUSIC / HIP-HOP PARTNER The Stereotypes earned this The veteran songwriting team co-wrote Bruno Mars’ biggest hits and helped open the doors for Asian-Americans in the music industry. Now the world is finally showing the love. By BRYSON KANE RUSSELL Photographer GRAHAM WALZER Ray Romulus and Jonathan Yip were playing Halo 3 when they got the call that would change their careers forever. For a moment, they questioned whether they should even pick up. "It was an intense game," says Yip, laughing when he recalls the memory. "We were talking hella shit to these little kids with our headsets on." But when Romulus took the call, the voice on the other end opened with a question that made him quickly forget about his deathmatch score:

"Do you want to get your pockets fat?"

They did. A few days later, Yip and Romulus, who along with Jeremy Reeves and Ray Charles McCullough II (known as "Charm") make up the songwriting and production team The Stereotypes, were flying out to record with Diddy's girl group Danity Kane on the set of MTV's Making the Band. DK's second album was coming up. They had style, a TV show, and Diddy's impeccable marketing skills. All Puff needed now to complete the package was a guaranteed hit single. It was 2007, and The Stereotypes had the sound that was about to deliver it for him.

Nearly a decade later, The Stereotypes would get another call. This one was more eagerly received. The songwriting work had hit a lull in recent years and calls for new jobs were slowing down. There had been times when the group wondered if they could afford to return from their holiday breaks. Plus, the call was from an old friend: Bruno Mars.

The group had met Mars as a fellow emerging songwriter in the pre-Danity Kane days, and they had hit it off immediately. After "Damaged" made it to number ten on the charts, The Stereotypes suddenly found themselves with new opportunities in the studio. They shared their newfound access with their friend Bruno, bringing him to every session they could. Then Bruno Mars became, well, Bruno Mars. He took off into the heavens, their paths naturally diverged. They remained friends, but it had been more than six years since they last worked together on music.

Now Mars had a new record he was working on, and it was missing something. He’d been exchanging tracks with The Stereotypes for a little while through email, and the latest beat that they had sent sparked something in him. He wanted to get in the studio. On Monday, if possible.

A year and a half after that call, The Stereotypes were out of the studio and into their suit jackets. It was January 28th, 2018, and the team was onstage accepting a Song of the Year Grammy for their work on Bruno Mars' 24K Magic, having earned co-writing credits for the title track, "Finesse", and the world-conquering "That’s What I Like." It's an incredible leap forward for a group who told the L.A. Times that until recently, lack of work had raised the possibility of early retirement. It almost makes you believe that years of tireless dedication to your craft and support for your team might actually pay off. Speaking to Romulus and Yip over the phone not long after their win, Romulus tells me that "it's bigger than music" for The Stereotypes. He credits their songwriting success to the real love they have for their teammates and collaborators, and over the course of our conversation, it becomes clear that the group's humility and openness have led them to many opportunities – and a few challenges. But after ten-plus years in the game, it's these defining character traits that, along with their now-undeniable talent, have brought The Stereotypes to the next level. It's impossible to say they didn't earn it.

Let me be the latest to say congratulations on the Grammy win. Has the high worn off yet?

RAY ROMULUS: Thank you. Every time I see a new person who hasn't said it, it starts all over again.

JONATHAN YIP: We’ve been through a lot together, which I think makes this moment a lot sweeter, because we're still together, and we’re able to be on this cool wave right now.

Going and struggling through all the other stuff together has definitely helped us appreciate this high together. A rollercoaster is definitely the summing up of we’re we’re at.

How did that rollercoaster begin?

YIP: Me and Jeremy met randomly at a Sacramento Guitar Center that he happened to be working at. I was living in L.A., working at Interscope records. So I would come home for dentist appointments or holidays or whatever. And one trip, I stopped at Guitar Center to buy some gear, and he overheard me say that I worked at Interscope. He came up to me and was like “yo, I got tracks. How do I get them to you?" And I was like "play some for me."

So he played some stuff for me right then and there, on one of the keyboards. I was impressed, so I was like, “Let’s keep in touch. Let’s try to work together.” So for years we would work together over the phone, and whenever we were in town. Until 2007, when I was like “if you want to make this work, you gotta just move to L.A.” And he did.

A couple years before that is when we met Ray though. He was working at Def Jam in NY, and he ended up signing the first act that we had signed to us.

ROMULUS: I wasn’t even thinking about taking the meeting, because it was my first week, and I was still trying to get my office set up. But I was like “whatever, just let them up.”

And in walks in Jon, the artist, and the manager. Jon showcases the artist to me, and I'm like "that's dope." I called in L.A. [Reid] and L.A. signs him to a deal on the spot. That started off our relationship. I would fly back and forth from L.A to NY [to work on the record]. It was an unorthodox relationship between a label and the artist, because I would be producing with them.

So fast forward to 2007, and I called John up, and said “hey dude, I’m no longer at Def Jam. What do you think about me moving out to L.A. and us teaming up and me being a part of the production team? So I move out June of '07, and its crazy because Jeremy just moved to LA at the same time. So we teamed up in that summer of '07 and worked tirelessly just creating everyday, until six months later when we landed our first hit, which was Danity Kane’s "Damaged."

YIP: I had a condo, and the "studio" was actually Ray’s bedroom, because when he first moved down, he stayed with me. He would wake up, we would go to the gym, he would go back to his room and would work on music there. And since it was a condo, we couldn't really work like crazy hours, so we had to really use our time wisely and just work from 12 to 7, because when people got home from work, no one wanted to hear our bass through the walls.

Ray, what made you want to move across the country to join this group?

ROMULUS: Even working with [Jonathan and Jeremy] at Def Jam as their A&R, I just thought they were very high character people. I liked their vibe, just how they worked so hard to try to make things happen. I was like “that’s the kind of energy I want to be around. So that’s why I called Jon and said “hey dude, I think we are all likeminded and working towards the same goals. If we teamed up together, we could make this happen."

YIP: When we first met, we pretty much clicked right away. Like, we immediately started hanging out, and it was cool. I’d been down to go to NY to take a trip or whatever - Ray wasn’t even in NYC, and he let me stay at his place. For us to meet at the record label or whatever, to become such cool friends that quick - that was big to me. That meant a lot. What Ray says, "character."

ROMULUS: And that’s why it works. Because honestly it’s bigger than music for us. These are like my family members. Even when we work with Bruno or whatever, the reason that’s its so easy to make the music is because we’re friends. When we’re in the studio together, it feels like we’re not really working. How did you end up producing for Danity Kane?

ROMULUS: We were actually courting a gentleman to possibly manage us, so we sent him a song. He goes “I’ll show you I can make things happen for you”, so he sends the song to Puff. Literally like 2 weeks later, called us back “Hey. Puff loves the song. He wants to fly you out to Miami and cut it on the show of Making the Band.”

YIP: I just remember jumping up and down. That record in itself ultimately helped us move out of the condo and into our own studio space.

ROMULUS: It was like full circle, because my first industry job was working for Puff, I was his intern for two years. Ended up running the marathon with him, just so I could build a relationship with him. I moved on into getting my A&R job with Def jam. When that moment happened, when we flew down to Miami, Puff was like “What the hell are you doing here?” I’m like “yo, I produced the song!”

After Danity Kane, you started working with a lot of different artists, but one that shows up over and over again is Far East Movement. What's your connection with them?

YIP: When I was working at Interscope, they were interning there. So we would see them walking around the halls, and we would be like “what’s up”. It was hard to not notice each other, we were literally the only Asian guys in the building. So we were like “oh, this is dope. What do you do? What do you do?” and so on. And they were like, we make music! We’re rappers!" So we were like, “ok, let’s work.”

One day, they invited us out to one of their shows. So me and Ray went out. And we noticed, because they were kinda rapping more backpack hip-hop at the time, they had this set where they started rapping over like Daft Punk, and all these EDM records. And the energy was crazy, their stage presence has always been crazy. After that, we were like “hm, maybe there’s something there.”

Fast forward a little bit, we’re in the studio with Bruno actually, and we’re working on this record, and he starts [singing the the hook to] “Girls. On. The. Dance. Floor.” So we create this record called “Girls on the Dancefloor” and then I’m talking to Ray, and I’m like “maybe we should give this to Far East Movement. Their hustle is crazy, stage performance, all the things like that.” He’s like “let’s do it.” So we called them up, and they were down, so they laid down their verses. And shit, the song started picking up and playing like crazy out here in L.A.

ROMULUS: And you gotta let him know that we were rapping on the second verse.

YIP: Oh, and we’re rapping on the second verse! Cuz we were writing this, and were like, we might as well stay on this. And since I knew people over at Interscope already, I took it over to Martin Kirsenbaum, who I knew for years from working there, and I was like “yo I want to play you these artists, named Far East Movement.”

And he was like, “oh, I’ve heard of them!” Because he was hearing it on the radio. So he was like “I definitely want to meet them.” So we finally took them in, they met with Martin, he took us to meet with Jimmy Iovine at his house…and shit, it was crazy. That night was crazy. Jimmy Iovine was pitching us. Because Far East Movement was signed to us, so that was our group, so when we went to Jimmy Iovine’s house, he was literally pitching us, which was so crazy because its like “This is Jimmy Iovine. He’s pitching us to not go anywhere else but here.

ROMULUS: It was also big too, because at the time, we were always getting the stipulation that Asian-Americans couldn’t make it in music, couldn’t make it big. So for us to have Jimmy Iovine going “yo, you guys need to be here [on Interscope]” was huge.

YIP: Whenever I’m asked what my proudest moment is in my career, to me it’s always having been a part of breaking Far East Movement. Because, as an Asian-American, to be in front of the camera, and being the star, let alone being behind the camera, or behind the boards, there’s not just too many Asians in the industry. And so for us to be a part of the first Asian-Americans to break through and have a number #1 on Hot 100 was just incredible to us.

You've been friends with Bruno Mars for a long time, but there was a period of distance. Were you staying in touch?

YIP: He’d be doing the Superbowl, we’d hit him up and be like “you killed that!” ROMULUS: Then we’d hit him up the next year and be like “you killed that Superbowl, again!” (laughs)

YIP: Summer of 2016…actually even before that. 2015. Were would be talking, and he would be like “send me some beats!” So we were sending him stuff and he’d be like “oh this is tight, I’m going to try something.” Then we wouldn’t hear from him, and he’d be like “send me some more stuff!” Yo, we still haven’t gotten in [the studio]. And he’s like “we’ll get in, we’ll get in, don’t worry.” Time passes, and now it’s summer 2016 and I hit him up. I don’t even want to hit him about music, I just want to see how he’s doing, because we haven’t spoken in a while.

He’s like, “well actually I need another song.” And he was like “I need this tempo, this key, all this other stuff.” So we sent him over something. And he was like “yo, I think this could work. Why don’t you guys come into the studio on Monday?" And it was a Saturday we were talking on the phone. So we go over on Monday and it was like no time had passed. Immediately for the first two hours, it’s like we’re catching up, joking, talking about the past few years, what’s been going on. And we work on track and that track ends up being “24K Magic”. And that was the first one we did together.

Where does the sound of a track like "Finesse" come from?

YIP: From Bruno. The first thing he did when we came in the studio, he was playing some of the other tracks from the record, and he was like “I want to bring the feeling back of when I was going to school dances. And how everyone was having fun and dancing, and didn’t any worries.” So when it came time to do “Finesse,” he was like “Let’s do a Nu Jack Swing song. And we we like “let’s do it.

With 2 Grammy awards under your belt, what’s next for The Stereotypes?

ROMULUS: Tunes brother, tunes. We’ve been working with Meghan Trainor, Goldlink, Foster the People…we’ve got one that just came out with Foster the People. Normani.

YIP: We’re working with this girl named Destiny Rogers. She’s incredible, she just turned 18. She plays multiple instruments, guitar, piano, she writes. I think we’re getting close to something really special with her. Experience in general, it definitely gave us the know-how to know how to not do the wrong thing again. How to handle a different situation when it presents itself to us. I think we’ve always had taste and we’ve always had ears, the “gut” that we choose stuff from. Experience just helps with that.

You’ve worked with so many diverse artists and sounds. Is there something that unites everything The Stereotypes create?

ROMULUS: Our makeup of our group is so diverse as it is, our backgrounds and our upbringings are so different that when we come together, it’s like you can kind of feel all of our tastes and all of our interests in one. We have a four-tiered system for filtering, where nothing really goes out until all four of us like it. Our tastes are all different - and yet they’re somehow also the same. When it goes through all four of us, it has this sound that just like has a little bit of everything influencing it.

#Bruno mars #article #stereotypes #24kmagic #2018 #finesse #grammys

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worldcakecakecake · 7 years ago

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Feliciano and the King of Hearts

Chosen by the gods as the Queen of Hearts from the moment of birth, we follow Feliciano’s story as he grows into royal life, learns to rule, go against age old customs, and his relationship with his husband to be, the King of Hearts.

Chapter 1 I Chapter 2 I Chapter 3 I Chapter 4 I Chapter 5 I Chapter 6I Chapter 7 I Chapter 8 IChapter 9I Chapter 10I Chapter 11I Chapter 12 I Chapter 13 I Chapter 14 I Chapter 15 I Chapter 16 I Chapter 17 I Chapter 18 I Chapter 19I Chapter 20 I Chapter 21 I Chapter 22 I Chapter 23 I Chapter 24 I Chapter 25 I Chapter 26 I Chapter 27 I Chapter 28I Chapter 29 I Chapter 30 I Chapter 31 I Chapter 32 I Chapter 33 I Chapter 34 I Chapter 35 I Chapter 36 I Chapter 37I chapter 38 I Chapter 39 I Chapter 40 I Chapter 41 I Chapter 42 I Chapter 43 I Chapter 44 I Chapter 45 I Chapter 46I Chapter 47 I Chapter 48 I Chapter 49

I’ve had this chapter done for a week, but it is only now that I managed to find a computer (one of the few working ones in the university) to actually post. There’s still no electricity where I live, no signal and water is limited...we might not have most of these until December (And sometimes I think February). My time to write is still very limited and worst when classes started as well as dealing with matters about my move. Still on hiatus, but I do try to write when I can, just continue to be patient. For those who read The Society of Romulus and Remus and Good Luck Friedrich, I am also in the process of working on the next chapters for them so expect it soon. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 50

What a bliss that innocent night had been, what a rest, what a waking, what a meet of shinning eyes and smiles, even if the darkened brick around them, even if the raging blizzard outside, even if in Khaos’s castle. All that could be ignored, all that can be forgotten when Feliciano could freely let his fingers linger all throughout Ludwig’s face, when Ludwig could thread his own over Feliciano’s arms, their legs still between each other, chatting, laughing as if they could be in some kind of normality back in Berlin or even in Barga.

“Are you still using those shampoos Mrs. Palmieri made,” Ludwig chuckled against his hair, taking that very familiar scent that had remained just the same as it had been in their childhood.

“I can’t possibly use any other, none can treat my curls as well. I had her give me an entire box of her bottles before leaving to Berlin,” Feliciano smiled, finding safety in the crook of Ludwig’s neck.

“The scent fits you really well, plus your hair is still as soft,” he complimented in earnest.

Feliciano giggled and wrapped his arms strongly around his neck, letting him have as much of his hair as he wanted.

“When we return to Berlin-” he still hoped, he still believed- “we’ll be staying at Barga on our way, I can have her make you some as well,” he chuckled, letting his fingers trace his lips.

Ludwig pondered it, before revealing in a smile his acceptance, “how many scents does she have available?”

“You don’t have to worry about that, Mrs. Palmieri has several, she even has strawberry milkshake.”

They laughed, wondering how it would seem on Ludwig, joking as things as having Birds flying above his hair trying to take a picking from whatever fruits they thought would be there. One of their fits was interrupted by a quickened knock, having them both sit instantly, with a still secure hold that didn’t let them leave.

“Your highness, King Khaos and the servants will soon check on you, we have to get going.” There was great urgency in Angela’s voice, one Feliciano knew needed to have immediate heading, no matter the regret in his eyes or how he had slowly released himself from Ludwig, already slumping him into his despairs.

“I’ll do whatever I can to come here tonight,” Feliciano promised as he stood, stretching and riding of any wronged fold in his clothes.

Ludwig could only sit, taking Feliciano’s hands, giving him one last grasp of himself and an assurance. “If not, I completely understand, don’t fret so much, I want you to be safe more than anything.”

Feliciano smiled and nodded in acceptance to his words, giving him one last kiss upon his forehead before settling off, the touch upon the door the signal enough for Angela to omit the keys and give him exit. A last wave and the sun disappeared once again from the room, Pookie giving a meow of miss, extending his paw wanting to have him back. Ludwig petted him, with just the calm he needed himself.

Back to that room of darkness, even with riches, even with slight colors, even with the largeness and the views. It was gloom, it was death, Feliciano could feel constant shivering that had him holding to himself, trying to call out for Augusta within himself as some leaning. Nothing, nothing of her as he had felt before. He sighed and settled off to the bed to try and find some rest before whatever Khaos would ask of him. As he came to that reach, there was a sudden knock that interrupted. Without waiting for his permission, a group of servants made their way inside, stopping in a perfect align to give him a bow to then place the clothes they had brought over one of the near low tables, each by turn leaving the room until Feliciano had the room for himself once again. Hesitant, he made his way to the presented robes and could already feel himself be driven by disgust. All of them were the dark of Khaos’s reign, some tight enough to reveal much of his form, others his own Ace power, as well as others that would reveal too much of his skin, a couple of reds to go along with him and so he knew they were made with himself in mind. Feliciano recoiled, afraid of them as if the king himself was there mocking him, forcing the wear on him. He looked upon his own white robe, still clean, still with Ludwig’s lingering warmth and declared that it was good enough to use, decided, sending glares to what he had brought.

That afternoon he was asked to join Khaos in one of his study rooms. He was going through some plans of attack he had made with his men’s last mission, adding and fixing, ruin that would surely bring devastation to Feliciano’s people if it worked. Khaos dared to do this while the very arising queen of Hearts was sitting in the very room, taking seating as far from his desk, close to the door, to take his immediate exit as soon as Khaos decreed it. Feliciano could see hinted anger in his eyes once he saw him in the same robe from the day before, clearly showing a disobedience and disapproval in wearing the sickness he had given him. He didn’t mention it, he went on chatting about the strength of his men, their cunning and the power he had given them. Feliciano wanted to mention that if it had all been true, then they wouldn’t have escaped or defeated them as they had done many times, as the very kingdoms subdue them and claimed their victory, but he remained silent, only sending daggers with his eyes, weak ones, none capable of his sweetness, which only made Khaos smile and Feliciano more fearful.

He was told he would have dinner in his own room for the night, just as Angela came picking him up to take him once again there. On their way, she promised that once he was done eating, she would take him to Ludwig for the night. In the silence that later continued, Feliciano found himself thinking about the books that were in Khaos’s study, useless ones surely, perhaps records or information about the kingdoms he already knew about. If they held any real importance, perhaps he would have felt Augusta nudge at him somehow from within. He gazed to Angela before him, who he supposedly knew as Khaos’s must trusted servant. Perhaps she knew, perhaps she could help.

“Are there any libraries here?” He asked, trying to sound as if it was a mere curiosity for leisure.

“Technically three if you count the study room, there’s another one quite close to your room, mostly full of stories and novels, and then there’s the king’s private one.”

It had to be.

“Do you know where that private one is?”

“No, the king doesn’t allow anyone to go there, something about what Augusta had done long ago,” she informed easily.

“Any hints, any ideas to where though?” He still wondered.

“None, he doesn’t even talk about it unless he pays it a visit. Whenever he does he locks himself upon his room, so surely he has an opening from there,” she guessed as much, which gave enough of an idea for Feliciano to pin point.

As scheduled, he had a dinner of ginger noodles, loaf, ricotta, and biscuits, as rich, as fresh as anything he would have in any castle, making Feliciano wonder for a moment what kind of growing or casting the castle was doing to get these ingredients like those of any kingdom. Once he had shown to be done, Angela took him once again to the deepened rooms where Ludwig was imprisoned, both coming to the usual embraces of miss. Angela left them to their privacy and as soon as her footsteps died across the hall, Feliciano removed from the embrace to speak what he had found out.

“Angela doesn’t know where it is, but she has an idea that it might be somewhere hidden in his room,”

“His room?” Ludwig seemed insulted, mostly thinking of where Feliciano would have to go, where he could convince and how in such a private room. Feliciano had to shush him, for an angry fire started to burn in Ludwig’s eyes, along with strength and a harshened grip.

“I told you I can manage it,”

“Feliciano, it’s his room, who knows what kind of spells are there, what he could do to-”

Feliciano had to lay a finger upon his lips to shush him. “Just…trust me,”

“It’s not that I don’t, I’m worried he would lay a single finger on you and I wouldn’t be there to stop it, I can’t let him do anything to you if I’m here.”

“I’m just as capable of protecting myself.”

There was a sudden doubt in Ludwig’s eyes, memories of the many times Feliciano depended on him for a save…but then he remembered the times Feliciano did well just by himself, without his guidance, power and being. He took a defeated sigh, looking down to the floor as he kept a tighten hold of Feliciano’s grasp, letting himself accept, truly trust as he knew he could give to him.

“When are you thinking of coaxing him as you’re planning?” He was beginning to go along. Feliciano alighted as this sudden chance of command, of the plan being his, one he could be confident in.

“Three days, it’s enough for him to think that I’ve accepted my prison here, as well as some sort of loyalty to him.”

How Ludwig hated that, shown in the way he grasped harsher at Feliciano’s arms, ever slightly pulling him much closer to himself.

“I still won’t let him do anything to me,” Feliciano confided, coming into his lean, into his wrap, into the tightening of Ludwig’s arms.

“As soon as I have the information, I’ll come for you, I can unlock this door and we can go there together,” he promised, a sureness that Ludwig could easily confide in, swaying, kisses upon their heads, distracted then in their fall against the bed, in their rest, away from any doubts, any insecurities.

In the coming three days, Feliciano let himself the routine Khaos had placed for him. It was the same pacing and wandering around the room in the mornings. The afternoons Khaos will find his presence, sometimes to just walk around the halls, letting the dark king point and explain all the architectural and artistry details, which in honesty had Feliciano interested and he listened even if the décor of this place was one he would never prefer or try to create. Others they would sit by the throne room or in the study room, Khaos commanding and speaking about whatever sparked his fancy while Feliciano just remained in his faraway spot, glaring and speaking all the battles in his mind. The nights, it was Ludwig, it was times of speaking that they let lost in the last year, it was caresses, it was leans, it was that love of their dreams, needed to recharge, to survive.

“I love you,” Feliciano had said once again in a fleeing, both at the brinks of dreams. Ludwig had awakened as if the whole room was shaking, having to convince himself for a while that it was real, that he said them, that he could reply his own “I love you”, that he could hold him closer, that he didn’t have to fight with his own self against this, that he could smile and sleep, knowing, trusting.

The next day, Feliciano would put his plan into play. As expected, he was called to join Khaos in his study room, so he decided to head on wearing one of the robes the dark king had given him. He settled on a tight one with a long soft cape, his form shown uncomfortably so for the eyes of King Khaos. He had to admit that it was beautifully decorated, with symbols, sewn designs, buttons and fabric that were of riches and wealth. This one had slight touches of red, one Khaos had simply thought would look exquisite on the young arising queen, while Feliciano convinced himself that he wore them because of his kingdom, as a form of reminder of his people and what he would do to assure them a future. When he headed down the halls, following behind Angela, the servants starred on surprise to see that Feliciano had accepted to the wear, confiding in a soon join perhaps, but the fierceness that he tried to keep in his eyes made some think otherwise. He was suddenly nervous when they presented themselves before the doors, waiting for Khaos’s approval of entering, having to settle a breathing pattern, to strengthen his goal and belief that he could persevere, focused on the mission and on the limits. The doors departed and Angela could only give him but gazes of comfort, a smile that was enough of a push to bring him inside once again, all for the gaze of the owner of this castle. He was looking over a map of the entirety of the world, of the four kingdoms, his hand with the high presence of a rich glass, filled well with wine that he took constant sips from, refilling on and on, leaving him ongoing in his drink. He smiled, eyes tracing all over his in delight.

“How gorgeous,” he complimented, not for a moment leaving his gaze as Feliciano moved forward, hips swaying, graceful, eyes focused on the king, but with a spite that he could not hide easily.

He took his seating, a close one this time, clear enough as to take every detail of Khaos’s own robe, his glass and his surrounding of strange items.

“Thank you,” Feliciano at least said gently, hands on his laps, trying to keep his inner stability.

“What made you decide on this?” He finally placed his glass upon the desk, trying to keep his more forceful focus on the arising queen.

“It was…pretty and I wanted to test it out…it’s really soft,” Feliciano managed a smile, spreading his hands over him tightly, as part of his play but also because he was nervous and he needed to relieve himself somehow.

“I’m glad, I hope I get to see you in more of my own outfits,”

“We’ll see,” he smirked.

Khaos moved slightly closer, taking sitting on his desk, crossing his own legs while his gaze fell obviously on Feliciano’s, and to his working, he began swaying them.

“A different one each day,” Khaos suggested.

“You only gave me five,”

“I’ll have more made, I have many seamstresses.”

“And they can make all you wish?”

“Of course.”

“What about what I wish?”

It took Khaos by surprise but he was quite accepted to it, leaning to him with quite an interest.

“What is it that you wish?” He tempted.

Feliciano wished many things, all of them exploding through his mind, distracting and clenching as if holding from wishing it all. He wished to get out, he wished to be with Ludwig forever, he wished to be crowned, he wished to be the queen his people wanted and needed, he wished to know more of the ace power he recently discovered, he wished Ludwig wouldn’t be affected by a surge that would change him and Feliciano wished he or anyone else could defeat Khaos.

As he pretended on a smile while they shared a stare, Feliciano made sure to himself that he would defeat Khaos, that he would see him dead, in honor of all he killed and destroyed, for the other Aces, for Romulus and Augusta.

Back to the plan, back to the playing.

“I could…make some designs myself,” Feliciano suggested.

“Really, what do you have in mind?”

“Something…powerful, something…seductive and…free,” he practically sang, he lulled, a dreamy haze that he watched proudly as Khaos was caught in. Another lean, closer, he was now right before Feliciano and he knew that from there he had to be careful.

“I like these ideas,” Khaos smirked.

“Yet…there needs to be more…I wished I could know more…I wished I could add something to match along with my stay here, to perhaps something of your own magnitude.” Feliciano wore that dashing smile that would have all he wanted swaying and loving, to fall to his belief and his want.

“I am here to offer it,” Khaos confided.

“What can you offer?”

“All the information you need…symbols, spells, power, design, even color, it’s all at my fingertips.” He knew he could omit it surely.

“It…can’t be so easily conjured like that…”

“It can, I know everything,”

“Do you really?”

“Of course, my mind is a powerful one, it can hold it all,”

“Can it truly?” Feliciano bit and licked his lips, exalting their glow, their softness, holding down from Khaos angering, from assaulting at such doubts.

“It can…as well as I can call on it whenever I wish,”

“How so?”

Khaos hesitated for a moment, but it was forgotten when Feliciano blinked those big bright brown eyes with shimmering long eyelashes.

“A library, not just any from your castles or public halls, no, this one, was given to my sister and I by the very universe,” he played out to wonder and Feliciano feigned into it, showing interest as if it was the very first time he was hearing about it.

“Everything, absolutely everything about the very creation of existence, of magic, every secret, every detail that you didn’t think possible. The universe didn’t leave anything without my knowing,” he smiled proudly, he relished in it, as if the very universe was currently embracing him.

“It…cannot be real…the Aces, our kings, queens, jacks and people should have held this as well, we…deserved this knowledge,” Feliciano slipped, disobeyed, uttering an inner annoyance.

“I wasn’t going to accept it.” Sudden darkness, fierce anger, like he was calling upon shadows to strengthen his stature. Feliciano had to hold himself from shivering, trembling, from screaming out a new wish to leave.

“I don’t believe such things should be handed to just anyone, it’s only right the first ever entity that was created should hold it and decide its wish of it. Perhaps it’s better, perhaps it avoids having the very universe collapse.” He rubbed his hands as if erasing his anger, bringing back his seductive calm, his walk, his circling around Feliciano.

“Like you wouldn’t do the same,” Feliciano dared once again, but to his surprise, Khaos only smiled, turned to him unperturbed.

“I have use for this world, Feliciano, I wouldn’t harm it so harshly.” He showed a sadistic smile that Feliciano grew weak to.

“What could possibly be in there that could help you take such power and control?” Feliciano rolled his eyes, leaning back into the cushion, extending his legs, up and down, the form and movement one Khaos couldn’t ignore, couldn’t avoid the licking of his lips and his approach.

“I told you…everything,” he whispered with a breath as he leaned, close enough for Feliciano to feel every tingling, every alert.

“Show me,” Feliciano whispered back, softly and enchanting, daring that closeness that brought their faces inches of clear details. It was beauty that Khaos couldn’t stand, that he wanted, and if meant giving him this for a chance of having him in his grasps, he obeyed.

Khaos’s room was all the imperialized darkness that Feliciano was expecting, a largeness, an intimidation that seemed to hide openings to more than whatever Feliciano’s mind could extend of what this place was. Luxury, richness, only the best, only the outmost beauty, Khaos smiled, knowing that Feliciano would make a nice addition when the time came. For now the arising Queen kept his space as Khaos reached a large empty wall, with nothing but the usual dark curtains that framed every area. He extended his arm, he chanted words of his language that Feliciano did his best to remember well, along with his movements, along with the design of lights that appeared until a single line appeared, the one that Khaos pulled until a new dark space opened for him. He smiled in finality, like everything was already cleared while Feliciano was still finding some kind of hint of what he wanted to see.

“Come,” he offered his arm for Feliciano to take, but he refused, instead just offering closeness, with a nod and a smile that was enough for Khaos to start the embark that he followed.

Much like the descend of the ruins where Augusta’s relics were kept at the bottom of the Clubian castle, it was a dark tunnel of nothingness, steps that went deeper down, the only sound being the echo of the steps they took. Even if he was with Khaos, Feliciano felt deeply alone, craving for a hold, one he knew that Khaos could give, but he rather not, in this moment he rather depend on himself, a show he did by wrapping his own arms around himself as he felt the air become more humid. It was not the kind of air he expected, especially from a library. Intricate columns soon carved the space, a turn around that welcomed them into the official entrance. It was smaller than what Feliciano was expecting, a squared space that he could walk around in a small instant, but it did pile high, the bottom cushioned quite well, homey and inviting. Feliciano honestly did not seem to mind the thought of having a nice cup of coffee here, especially since it wasn’t so foreboding with the various colors that decorated. Its heights ended at a top light at the ceiling, surely from the white of the snow outside, helping in illuminating along with the torches that lite the books that reigned down, ancient, old, seeming to shine with the most precious jewels or even stars.

Feliciano did not expect to actually be wondered by it, nearing, the first book he spot being one that explained all kinds of Ace symbols, their meaning, power and why were they imprinted on an Ace. Feliciano had to hold himself from taking it out of its shelf, as Khaos obviously kept a sharp eye on him, instead letting his eyes swim across all kinds of topics. How the passing of spirits worked after death, how to control the very seasons, how to time manipulate, how to create life, even how to reestablish a world that has gone through ultimate destruction. All excellent things, but not exactly what he should be looking for, what he should take.

“Like I said, everything,” Khaos made clear once again, pointing to even the ones at the very top. He surprisingly let Feliciano in his wandering, feigning impression and curiosity, hiding his determination to find what he was looking for. He tried to keep his exaltation when he found one of powers that passed by generation, remembering well where it was located before he found another one explaining all kinds of bursts that could occur during a universal alignment. There was a volume of four books, Feliciano seeing that it was written by Pisa herself, for all kinds of powers Aces held and their explanations. There was another collection of books about universal power, the largest of the hand of creation, another of dark curses, surely for what Ludwig held. Truly everything was here as Khaos had said…and as Augusta had said.

He had one part, he knew where it was, it was a matter of looking for an escape, of running, of heading out. The expectation, that coming glow was enough to alight him in a shine, one Khaos found irresistible, that brought him close, an extending of arms, in a reach, knowing what it wanted and how to grasp. Feliciano felt him loomed, moving just in time, in a quick swift, trying to pretend that he was interested in the red scale of a book that had to do with the creation of all the animals and creatures. Feliciano kept smiling to him as if to show no wrongness, his usual innocence that didn’t beg for explanation and thus Khaos fell into, not asking.

“This is truly wonderful,” Feliciano complimented, with honest awe, moving away, finding whatever book in the furthest reach to keep finding his escape.

“I’m glad for your fancy, have you seen enough?” He still had other plans and at least he had shown him what he wanted, hoping as a form of coaxing for a soon opening.

“More than enough, thank you so much,” he had some decency to at least tell him, the only time he brought himself closer willingly.

Khaos smiled, coming close to his own reach expecting, but as quickly did Feliciano move and turned towards the exit, with smiles of normalcy that would be compliant to whatever new turn Khaos would bring them into. Khaos still craved for that chance, still knew it would appear sometime and thus he was calm, he accepted, he moved along. The darkening clutches would soon wrap themselves around the arising queen’s figure and he would soon enjoy every grasp for himself.

#Feliciano and the King of Hearts #fatkoh #f&tkoh #gerita #gerita fanfiction #gerita fanfic #gerita fic

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rueur · 8 years ago

Text

Morning Pages (05.01.2017)

Thursday 5th Jan - 7:37 a.m.

I’m already feeling skeptical about this whole morning pages idea. I feel really groggy, and my teeth hurt and my eyes hurt. I need to fart, and my fingers feel really weird typing right now. I don’t think I had a rough night though. I woke up at 3 a.m., maybe halfway through 3 a.m., with my right ear turning all liquidy so I had to wash my fingers, naturally. I flicked on the lamp, checked to see that Fish was still alive (because he swallowed this piece of grass whole yesterday, like it ran the length of his body and I thought he would choke on it and die), and then washed my hands in the dim bathroom. I then climbed back in bed and tried to fall back asleep but it took a while, honestly. I was conscious of how dark it was when I got back in bed and then felt like something was touching my legs again, my feet I mean. And then I thought I’d have to sleep on my other side because of my ear, but I couldn’t do that because I was paranoid that there was something in the room with me. I’ve paused now. I’m not writing. I feel like it’s hard for me to write about this fear of mine. I only get it when I sleep alone. I feel like it’s a defense mechanism to loneliness: fear of being in the presence of spirits. Because really, being here alone was my choice. Being alone at home, sleeping alone at home, is technically not really my choice but I made peace with it. Kind of. Before I came here, it was hard for me to fall asleep in the dark. I think that when I go back home, it’ll still be hard for me to fall asleep in the dark, because I know that my grandma is at home. Or Bugger. I don’t mind if Bugger is still keeping me company, because I love him. I really do. But I also want him to move on. His life as a dog was so tragic, he deserves something better. I don’t want him to be stuck as a tragic ghost dog. Like when Jasper dies, I think I’ll want him to move on immediately. Hopefully Jasper will live a long cat life though.

I felt like putting a paragraph here to not make this seem as rambly as it’s naturally going to be. This is stream-of-consciousness anyway. I’m also constantly worrying about how I’m going to store this stuff. I was thinking of putting it all on a blog? Like every morning I’d add a 3-page entry (or thereabouts) of my stream-of-consciousness morning page of the day. I don’t think I have enough space on Google Drive, so I think I’ll need to put it somewhere else. And my laptop doesn’t have enough space either. I need to get that fixed.

I’ve paused again. I tried to read what I’d written, but I know that I can’t. Julia Cameron said not to in ‘The Artist’s Way’. Lord help me, I hope something comes out of this trial. I think that something will have to; everyone else who’s tried this on Goodreads has said that it helped them. Anyway, I think I should keep talking about 3 a.m. last night, to be honest with you. I tried falling back asleep, I tried sleeping on my other side, and could do neither. Then, begrudgingly, I got up, lifted the blind an inch or so, and then went back to sleep. Wait, no, I turned the lamp back on and tried to sleep with the lamp on but I couldn’t do that to Fish. It was too bright and I’m constantly afraid that I might kill Fish. Fish is not my fish, by the way. He is a near-twelve year-old goldfish who got attacked, like mauled, by a cat when he was around five years old. Emily told me this. And when they found him they thought he was dead. But a couple of hours later, he started twitching and trying to breathe, and Emily rushed to get him back into the water and somehow, miraculously, he made a full recovery and is still alive like seven years later! This is an OLD goldfish, who has undeniably lived. And I need to keep him alive? But so far, so good. I started house-sitting on the 17th of December and now it’s the 5th of January, and I will be here until the 23rd of January. Emily is my old drama teacher. She lives in a small one bedroom apartment in Northcote; she posted on Facebook a while ago that she was looking for a house-sitter/pet-sitter for the summer and I volunteered immediately. I would’ve done it for free because I’ve always wanted to live in Northcote. It’s honestly beautiful. But she’s paying me, $100 a week. Which I’m not complaining about, I’ll need money before the semester starts because I know I’ll have nothing left besides my savings at the end of this year, if I don’t get a job. I quit my old job and Thailander, this Thai restaurant. They were paying illegal wages. I was getting $13 an hour, and I was also being pretty overworked. I quit at a time back when a lot of people were quitting, actually. At the time that I was quitting, Bao and Winnie (my old bosses) were losing not just me, but also Waen and Doro. Waen (whose name is actually also Winnie, but because of bosslady Winnie, we had to call her Waen) was a backpacker/student from Thailander who came to Melbourne to work so that she could take holidays from her jobs on her holiday and then go road tripping around Australia. In her year here, I think she saw more of the country than I’ve seen. I’m pretty sure she went to Central Australia, and Western Australia, and I haven’t been there. And Doro is a very philosophical chef, who I still have on Facebook (I have Waen too, she’s very artistic) and whose page is filled every day with the most inspiring, assuring stuff. It’s kind of refreshing. Anyway, those two (aside from L as well), were the people I loved working with the most. L was the head chef at Thailander. He was so good at his job that he was actually paid minimum wage, but damn did he deserve double that at the least.

My shoulders are getting really tired from typing this out. And it is fast approaching 8 a.m. and I’ll need to get up and feed the cats soon. I’m a little anxious about that. Emily has two cats too: Bruno and Romulus (Romy). Bruno is thirteen and has seen more death-defying action in his life than even Fish. Bruno was hit by a car twice, and to make things even worse, he has recently been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, and also his pancreas has trouble functioning. SO, he doesn’t take in nutrients properly, his hips have been displaced permanently and when he walks it’s always with a bit of a limp and also slightly veering to the right. I have to give him two sets of medication two times a day: a capsule mushed in with his wet food, and thyroid cream rubbed into his ears. Romy is the most low maintenance of the bunch, and the fluffiest, and the fattest. He’s seven, and apparently he was a wild cat before Emily adopted him. Emily says that the stray instincts are still with him.

Oh man, I didn’t even finish talking about Thailander. Fish is looking at me like he wants food. I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl fish, I’ve just been calling it a male this whole time but I honestly have no idea, nor does Emily. Ugh, this morning pages thing is getting quite old. Right now it just feels like a diary to me. This isn’t even stream-of-consciousness, I’m just writing about my life. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? But Julia Cameron said there’s no wrong way of doing it, as long as you get three pages out. I have to admit that the original settings for this word document were Arial font, at size 11 and I changed it to size 12 so I’d have to write less. But I think size 12 is reasonable.

I just scrolled down to look at how blank the rest of this final page is and it’s stressing me out. I have something pulling at my back. Not a presence, just a tired muscle. Then I shouldn’t say ‘I have something pulling’ should I? I should just say, there’s a muscle in my back that’s causing me grief. I took a second to sit up just then, because I didn’t like lying on my stomach. And as soon as I sat up, I felt all the blood rush to my head. I’ve been lying down for so long. I kept waking up at 5 a.m., 6 a.m., 6:30 a.m., and kept thinking ‘maybe I should do the three pages now, or now...or now!’ and kept making myself fall back asleep. When I saw 7:30 a.m., I just had to get up. I was tempted to write them at 3 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep, because I was wide awake and it was technically morning, and I was also feeling a lot at the time. I was afraid. I opened the blinds a little and then tried sleeping with the lamp off but more natural light coming in from the street, and I thought it would be fine. But then the bottom of the blind started hitting the window frame in the night breeze. I stared at it with frustration for some time, timing how often it happened, and then decided to finally say that I was being ridiculous (fuck it! I didn’t know if I was going to allow myself to swear in these pages, I feel like I swear too much), rolled over onto my other side and fell asleep! Who knew that all you needed to get a job done was an overwhelmingly stubborn desire to just get that job done!

Anyway, back to Thailander. I miss L. I miss Hassan, the cute Pakistani chef I worked with on Sundays (11/12 - 9 p.m.) rolling into work super late and super hungover. I miss that whole work environment, honestly. But my restaurant shut down after Doro, Waen and I left. Two of their restaurants shut down actually, out of their original four. Now it’s just the little place in the QV basement, and their very first store on Collins Street. I also miss working in the city, and working in hospitality in the city. I meet a lot of really interesting people. I met Isaac, and Greg, and Andrew. Isaac is a pianist and a musical director. Very talented, very young, very busy. Greg works in set design. He’s a grizzled dude in singlets and he has a big, greyish beard and he’s gluten free. So is Isaac, actually. And they knew each other but they never came in to eat at the same time. Isaac only came in a handful of times though, and while he never left a tip, he did leave his phone number, which was cute. Okay, I’m out of pages. I’ll tell you about Andrew tomorrow morning then?

#morning pages #stream of consciousness #or at least it's supposed to be #1 #05.01.2017

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