#i wish people just. wouldnt assume at all. i wish i could fucking confuse them actually i wish they couldnt tell anything

[silverislander]

i have a weird relationship w the way i look bc on the one hand luckily i don't have very bad dysphoria, i don't get it abt a lot of stuff and it's not smth that's constant either i'm very lucky that way. but also. i know that w my body and my face and my voice i am never going to look a way that makes other people perceive me as what i am and that feels. really bad. but also i don't deserve to feel bad abt that bc i have features that are conventionally attractive. but also i hate them

[beann-e]

I have a head cannon that bakugou would not be sweet to who he liked or dated and instead deny it and hate on them even more.

The reason being because he doesn’t really understand feelings so, when he’s talking badly about you he just assumes it’s normal and a bit funny at the lies he’s spitting that his just continuously friends are eating up.

he’s been talking bad about people for years so , who cares if your his s/o your no acceptation all people are equal in his mind. Now lemme explain please fall in line and hold a buddys hand kids we’re going on a trip inside my brain

It wasn’t easy getting the spiky haired male to ask you out honestly if someone asked you , which they’d never dare since they’d never know per bakugous request him saying it’s not their business , how you two got together you would shrug your shoulders and walk off.

It wasn’t that it was a boring day or a simple question that you supplied the answer for. It was that it was unusual.

You’d been at quirk practice after school in the gym like you’d usually do only this time bakugou made his way over to you.

You’d been seeing him more often when you were in the gym and you weren’t sure why until he explained that he was interested in your workout routine saying you two could have a contest to see who’s was more grueling

It seemed like fun so like any competitive person you agreed. Only for him to tap out on day two your laughs swirling around the gym as he fought so hard to say he only lost because he just didn’t like how the air would hit his ass crack anytime he did your little girly squats you’d wrote down for him.

You couldn’t say you weren’t both confused and happy when he let the air calm down before he spoke “ i’m kind of conflicted “ his eyes coming up to look at yours from the floor “ could you maybe help me“

“ of course what’s up “

“ i’m at a standstill “

“ more like a sit still “ you joked eyes peering down at his straight face “ yeah ok let’s imagine that didn’t happen —continue “

“ uh yeah anyways — i’m at a standstill because honestly I like your shit workout “ he shook his head to the floor “ but I also like you so I find myself thinking if I couldn’t get through your workout even though I enjoyed it so much could I “

his voice rasped shakily “ could I get through a relationship with you even though I like you even more “

truthfully you’d wish you’d said no because right now you wanted nothing more than to just be friends with the male sitting across the room from you.

It’s not that you didn’t like him of course you did he was hot , smart, and felt strongly about his goals but, he was an asshole.

Not in the aspect of hes just mean and rude but he was an all around prick as he laughed with his friends from across the room.

Their voices only getting louder as you sat alone a few seats away from them trying to complete some work on your desk you’d just been given “ dude gotta admit class 1-A’s got some hot chicks “

“ yeah honestly minas top three if we’re being truthful “

“mina dude come on have you seen jirou “

“ don’t even get me started “ denkis voice came out in a soft groan “ god I would— “

“ yeah yeah all that jazz but “ seros voice came out soft. His hand coming up to point at the seat as you sat in with your head down eyes furrowed in anger at the math on your paper that wasn’t syncing up with your brain right now

“ y/n “ his fist tightened as he groaned “ y/n could get it on all accounts — the car “

“ you don’t have a car “ denkis voice came out as sero continued

“ the school bathroom “

“ but which one ? because one of you would have to go in the wrong sex’s unless its a handicap or family stal-“

“the fucking dorms “

“ y/n ? “ kirishima asked quickly “ y/n l/n ? “

“ fuck yeah “

“ hmm “ kirishima studied you before shaking his head “ honestly kinda hot never really paid attention to that stuff before though “

“ what the fuck how can’t you “

“ uh i’m more so a personality guy “

“ so by personality would you fuck em ‘ “

“ not to be vulgar but of course “ his answer taking no time “ y’know how fun they’d be in a relationship though not just with sex ? imagine cuddles—fuck —what about cuddle monster y/n maybe ? god that’d be so hot “

denki getting restless as he held his thoughts in from the other males. His mind spazzing before finally getting to speak “ i’d fuck her too “ he yelled everyone’s eyes going sharp on the boy before he coughed “ id rock it too — we’re talking about getting mullets “

“ oh boys that’d be kinda hot “ you said laughing sarcastically sero turning to you smiling softly “ oh yeah on who in particular “

“ mm totally blondie over there “

“ the fuck ? “ his eyes shot away from denkis and moved to yours anger pouring through his gaze making you jerk back a little in surprise “ the hell you mean i’d look hot “

your eyebrows creased “ well because I — you do you would “

“ don’t go talking out of your ass you hear me—shit people like you don’t deserve to talk to anyone about looks “ your mouth went dry at his lazer stare.

His lips curling up into a smirk before he shook his head “ these assholes are talking about fucking you yknow “ he whispered to you “ you gonna let em ? you gonna let em right? because that’s the only attention you’d ever get right “

“ bakubro hold up chill out “

“ yeah bakubro chill out “ you said your gaze wavering from the hard one you’d had when you felt the heat radiating off of him no comfort coming from him to you only confusing you more. Had you two been in a secret argument that you knew nothing about

“ whatever “ he leaned back in his chair as the class went back to what they were doing your hands gripping the pencil when the class got even louder but you only searching for your boyfriends voice easily drowning out the others

“ i’d never fuck “ your heart broke at the deep voice youd identified

“ dude seriously come on with the lies —fucking beautiful “

“ correctomundo my friend their absolutely stunning “

his laugh ripping through their claims hand jerking back to point at you “ you think their beautiful much less hot ? “

“ yeah you don’t ? “ denki spat all of them looking at the boy like he was crazy for enjoying this obviously racy topic right now much less taking the wrong side of the debate

“ I literally just sat here and said I wouldn’t fuck em’ pokémon —so you can guess what that correlates to “

“ hey dude why’re you being sucha a dick —the personality’s top tier even if your stupid enough to think their not at least hot“ kirishima putting the ending words in quotation marks honestly a bit upset with his friend

“ hey watch it your over here defending an extra like your gonna make moves on em “ he laughed “ I advise otherwise “

you let out a sigh thinking he’d finally stopped acting the way he was. Your mind preparing to only give him the silent treatment for today and then tomorrow peppering him with kisses until he laughed and apologized for his words

Heart only being snatched away from your body when you heard his deep vibrating voice cut through the room “ probably gonna give you a rash from all the shit that’s on their mouth all the time “

it’s just lipgloss.

Lipgloss bakugou bought you packs of earlier this week after he swore he loved the taste and scent.

moving to wipe at it gently with the sleeve of your outfit him still going causing tears to start building up in your eyes “ bet the bitch doesn’t even shower —had em’ over for a project last night had to wash my sheets and blanket —took hours last night “

“ oh “ denki let out “ I was a bit confused when I saw you at the laundry room at 3 in the morning.

Tears blurring your vision as you thought about his earlier words when he’d given you your favorite sweater of his after saying he’d washed it for you because he knew you wouldn’t do it yourself because in his words ‘ you would never wash it without his help because you were a creep and didn’t want to erase his smell or some shit ‘

“ yeah —smelled so bad im telling you stay away you don’t wanna ask em’ out “

you moved to grab your phone as he kept talking you typing out a message as best as you could before hitting send. His hand moving off the desk and going in his pants pocket to pull his phone out keeping it hidden under the table eyes trailing over the screen

Firefighter >3

baby are we arguing

if your mad at me please just tell me don’t just talk shit about me in front of your friends

him locking his phone and placing it on his desk before you typed out one more message him letting out a sigh as he grabbed for it again

firefighter >3

if you keep going we’re over

“ but imagine whoever bags them apart from bakugou at least since we all know he’s all anti hot y/n “

“ they’d be so lucky “

“ yeah right “ he spoke lowly almost trying to hide his voice from you eyes glued to his phone “ wouldn’t dare “

“ wouldnt dare what bakugou “

“ oh wouldnt dare be —-be lucky “ he locked his phone again “ feel bad for the person dating them all the shit they gotta go through put up with , claims they make through message and not with real words, being too much of a pussy to speak up for themselves“

he shook his head softly eyes twitching “ you wouldn’t put up with that —you couldn’t put up with that your not built for it you gotta have tough skin y’know like me “

he licked his lips moving to sit up straighter when hearing his phone vibrate “ don’t uh “

firefighter >3

one more bakugou

one more bakugou katsuki and were over

his eyes darting over to yours before his eyebrows furrowed and body shook in anxiousness he couldn’t figure out what to do.

He was an asshole you knew this so why the fuck were you being such a crybaby now? did he pick the wrong person to date he thought you were strong

He genuinely just wanted to keep these creeps away from what’s his by scaring them off he wasn’t doing anything wrong? well at least in his eyes

He moved to talk again trying his best to string together a nice sentence “ just don’t uh ask —ask em’ out —-their utter dog shit when it comes to relationships leave it to someone who can handle that y’know “

he relaxed into his chair at his victory when he watched you throw your phone to the table and fix your skirt and standup. Him sighing out when you picked up your stuff to leave “ thank all might “ he whispered head shooting to lean back against his desk chair and look up at the sky blood running cold when his phone vibrated against the table

firefighter >3

all your shits gonna be outside my dorm door. So you might want to come collect it before I have half and half lighting campfires tonight

y’know since i’m such a shit person —gotta hope your bestie deku can give me some after school lessons on personalities. He’s so sweet I bet he’ll fix me right up

screw you katsuki see you in hell

“ the —the fuck what did —the hell did I do wrong “ he screamed when he saw you slam the classroom door after flicking him off

his friends eyes moving from the door to bakugous phone that he’d thrown on the table.

Todorokis eyes going wide when he read his stupid nickname given to him by the steamy male “ I —I uh“ he coughed “ I think i’m gonna go help y/n since their now single—don’t want em’ getting hurt with amateur fire starters again when i’m right here “

his stone face peered down at the red faced boy “ I mean that is ok with you bakugou seeing as though you two were most likely in a relationship by the messages before today “

“ you asshole did you go through me and my s/o’s messages “

“ judging by the series of recent text I don’t believe that’s the case for you two anymore “ he reached to grab his backpack saying a formal goodbye before he spoke “ I feel like i’m needed by a very —very perfectly intelligent unshitty person right now “

seros voice coming out softly as he let bakugous phone fall to the table disappointment in his eyes “ look uh —dude you didn’t have to mess your relationship up just to go against us ? “ he winced at the claim“ honestly you could’ve stayed quiet the whole time —it’s not like we agreed with you anyways “

bakugou leaned back in his chair anger swirling in his stomach as he felt his body sweat at the new heat spreading throughout his whole body.

How the hell did he mess up where the hell did he mess up he explained to you he wasn’t gonna treat you any differently than any other extra here and that went for basic conversations too

Maybe he went a bit far with the dont date em ‘ that was probably it you didn’t like how he said don’t date you because he was the only one who could handle you right ?

He shook his head a bit confused you just wanted him to say that you could handle yourself and didn’t need him right ?

So , why the hell did he feel like he’d done something wrong he wasn’t stupid but he just wasn’t well versed in feelings. He already didn’t know how to handle his own so how was he expected to handle another persons.

To him his words were normal he talked about all people like this hell, he bullied deku for 3 years going as far as to make a special nickname for him

that wasn’t even the worse he could’ve done and you knew that so why was he in trouble and worrying about Icy hot taking his place

He was honestly confused?

Could words really be that hurtful?

could his words really be that hurtful ?

[angelicmichael]

Oohh, could you please write the nonsexual prompt sharing a dessert for Outpost Michael and reader? Who wouldn't want to share a dessert with him? Thank you so much. You really are an angel 😇

A/N: anon you are too fucking sweet omg 🥺💖 I hope I didnt dissapoint with this, I'm sorry it's so late and unnecessarily long!! Lmfao. The dessert eating is at the end if anyone wants to just skip to that part hehe. I wanted to write some mutual pining so.. that's why this fic is so fucking long lol

Warnings: eating, food, lil bit of sexual tension, very brief mentions of Millory and also Gallant x Michael 👉🏻👈🏻

Living in Outpost three was beyond miserable. Constantly being treated as a second class citizen, as a gray, was definetly doing its number on you.. Every day that you continued to stay alive in this hellhole you swore you slowly descended further and further into madness. Eating gelatin cubes.. being around the same exact people, day in and day out.. with nothing else to do but to clean, with no end in sight was only a recipe for disaster.

And disaster seemed to come with a name; Langdon.

You didnt believe him when he announced that he was going to pick a select few to take with him to the sanctuary; you knew that was fucking bullshit.. but you had to admit - it was amusing watching the other outpost residents finally get a spark of excitament in their eyes. A reason to be alive.

You watched him take interest in mainly Gallant and Mallory; and that's when you felt something.. distant yet familar. Yearning; attraction, and maybe even jealousy.

It reminded and made you nostalgic of old emotions that you used to feel regularly; which now only visited you vaguely whenever you caught Michael stare for a second too long at either of them.. but it wasnt your job to monitor the relationships that were allegedly occurring.

You kept your head down until you begrudgingly got an interview; honestly surprised at first that Langdon seemed to be giving you a shot at salvation at all.

You were even more surprised at how the actual interview seemed to unfold; how disgustingly touch starved you were and the way in which you reacted to him. You were praying that Langdon didnt notice how your entire body was littered with goosebumps the second he touched you - a harmless gesture with his hand lightly touching your back when he walked by. Or the pure exhilaration you felt when he brushed a tear away from your cheek.. It was honestly embarrassing.

Even more embarrassing was how much you craved to see Langdon again as soon as you left the first interview.

The days following the first initial interview were torturous for you. Your days and even nights became infested with thoughts of Langdon; his blonde locks and light blue eyes even started to follow you and become familar in dreams..

You couldnt stop thinking about him.

You knew it was stupid to crave romance; it was utterly irrational. For one, if Venable were to even catch you looking at Langdon for a couple seconds too long - you knew she would want your head on a stick. That's not even to mention how jealous Gallant and the other residents would possibly be, if anything were to happen.

These thoughts were not realistic though  because you knew Langdon never viewed you like that. He treated you just as he did anyone else.. maybe even worse. He always kept his words short with you and rarely made eye contact most days.

For those reasons; you wrote off your newfound romantic thoughts about Langdon as nothing more but dumb daydreams. Just something to keep you occupied in the day while you tried to make the outpost look spotless. You figured it was a result of being beyond bored; your mind trying to find something to make life interesting once more. Anything. 

That was.. until Langdon invited you for another interview. One interview quickly turned into another.. and another.. and another until seeing Langdon privately was nearly the new normal.

The more you two continued to meet; the more your feelings for him only grew but you still chose to conceal them - well, to the best of your abilities anyway.. there was only much you could hide. However; if you didnt know Langdon prematurely, you wouldve thought he was a idiot or just purely naive for not picking up on the obvious crush you had.

It had been a couple nights now since you had last seen him.. And yet here you were; having another sleepless night that consisted of thinking of dumbass Langdon.

You stayed awake sleepless in your bed. Or.. the bed that was meant to be yours anyway. Nothing like felt home or like it was truly yours at Outpost Three though. You stared at the ceiling hopelessly; wishing you would be so lucky to feel a wave of drowsiness that could hit you and carry you off to your dreams.

You immeadietly sat up and nearly jolted out of bed when you heard three loud knocks rattle your door. The sound was distinct but haunting.. your immediate thought was Venable.. you could only help but to think what the fuck you had recently done to piss her off.

You swiftly walked through the nearly pitch black room and opened the door absentmindedly; trying to not let your paranoid thoughts control your actions and let you hesitate.. just in case it happened to be Langdon.

You would be lying if you were to say that you werent dissapointed when you found no one there; only a letter lay folded neatly on the floor.. directly in front of you.

Snatching it and opening it within the safety of your room; you had to hold back laughter when it was from Langdon - another invitation to go see him.. but it was marked urgent.

You nearly dropped the letter on the floor immeadietly; it wasnt as if you had anything else to do - you already knew you werent going to be able to sleep tonight anyway. You immeadietly took off, albeit as quietly as possible, off to Langdons office. Trying to keep your thoughts of what the hell he wanted to see you so badly for, at bay.

When you reached his room, you didnt bother knocking. You slipped right inside - knowing that knocking would only possibly wake Venable up or alert other residents of your whereabouts. Shutting the door behind you, you slowly approached him.

He sat at his desk; quickly turning around to face you as you entered. His light, ocean colored eyes were wide in what you could only guess was surprise that you came so soon. His mouth was slightly curved into a subtle smile.

"Hi". You uttered with a airy, soft laugh.

You first stood, knowing he would most likely want you to take a seat but you would rather wait for instructions than to just.. assume. You knew Michael had little to no tolerance but surely enough, he nodded at the seat that was directly across from his at the desk.

"Sit". Michael instructed, his gaze followed you as you steadfastly did as you were told.

You realized how carefully Michael was studying you as you walked over and took your seat.. and maybe it was because of the absolutely horrible lighting but you could swear you could almost see blood rushing to his cheeks..

Was he.. blushing??

You sat, completely puzzled as you watched Michael suddenly act flustered.. His motions changing from smooth and calculated to nearly awkward.. and.. just rather odd in a instant. He looked as if he wanted to say something but no words were spoken, that is - until you made the first move.

"Is something.. wrong"? You asked, trying your hardest to bite back laughter.

Seeing Langdon act so.. not like himself was basically pure comedy to you.  Although you would never admit that outloud of course.

He now looked uncomfortable; licking his lips and clasping his hands together at the table before speaking.

"(Y/n), I have to talk to you about something". Michael admitted.

His expression changed from looking rather nervous to serious again; his mouth in a straight line and the muscles in his face relaxed.

You were quite literally sitting on the edge of your seat, your stomach started to do somersaults as you desperately tried to rationally think of what he wanted to say..

"Yeah, of course. What's wrong"? You prompted, your voice coming across as unsteady.

You tried your hardest to not let your voice shake as you spoke, although you were more than certain it showcased exactly how you felt.

Langdon unfolded his hands; appearing to study his rings momentarily before his blue eyes pierced yours - looking as if they were staring right past you.. Not necessarily at you at all.

"Look; theres nothing wrong. You just need to know that theres no need to be nervous around me anymore". Langdon stated matter of factly.

He maintained eye contact with you; diligently waiting for a response as you actually tried to comprehend what he was saying.. Was he implying that you were going to the sanctuary?? Or.. possibly even something else?? Something more?

Your confusion must've been apparent on your face because before you could say anything, Langdon cut in.

"That's not why I asked you to be here with me tonight though. I wanted to.. reward you". He said.

You felt as if your heart had skipped a beat; nearly feeling woozy as your cheeks heated up. A reward?? Saying you felt speechless was a incredible understatement.

"A reward"?? You echoed your thoughts aloud.

Your words came out slow and strained with pure anticipation for what was to perhaps happen. You thought for a split second this had to be some kind of sick joke, or some kind of sick manipulation game. You wouldnt really be surprised; you overheard from the others he was famous for pulling that kind of shit.

"Yes, For giving me company. Close your eyes". Michael answered.

You immeadietly, and dumbly followed orders. However; as soon as you closed your eyes you felt fear pierce your heart. The uncertainty and possibilities of what could happen was jarring - but you had to admit it was also thrilling.

The past few months had been so fucking predictable and boring, a bit of excitement was well over due and actually.. probably healthy. Even if it was fucking terrifying.

You could hear him moving, and then something being placed on his desk in front of you. You first felt your eyebrows furrow as you opened your eyes unwillingly. Pure surprise forcing you to do so and to disobey Langdon.. oh fuck.

You opened your mouth to utter an apology but.. your gaze first caught onto the object in front of you.. leaving you speechless and with your mouth agape.

You marveled at the small slice of cheesecake was that put in front of you.. It looked entirely to good to be true; this had to be a dream.. or maybe a nightmare??

This last time you had eaten anything with any kind of remote flavour had been eons ago. Those memories served you well and made your horrifically boring days a little less painful.

You continued to blankly stare at it; not daring to move, or breathe but.. to just enjoy the view. You were half expecting for this to be some of torture again; for him to rip it away from you but a part of you reassured you that.. this was different. This was him trying, and being genuine.

You looked up to meet Langdons eyes as they intently studied you. A faint smile gracing the corner of his lips. A beautiful sight you rarely got the priviledge of admiring.

"Have some". Michael said, nodding down in direction of the dessert. "I thought you would appreciate the gesture. I cant imagine the shit Venable gives you is enjoyable". Michael sneered with a hint of laughter.

You couldnt help but to let out a giggle as well, looking down once more and noticing that the plate was also embellished with two forks.

"Thank you, Michael. You should have some too though, I dont want to be selfish-" You started, unfolding your hands from your lap and beginning to push the plate towards him.

He quickly stood up and walked up to you, stopping until he was beside you. He grabbed your wrist, tight enough to make you wince but not enough to cause any actual pain - making eye contact again.

"No.. I want to watch you have the first bite". Langdon said.

In a split second, the chair that was once behind his desk materialized right next to you, directly behind him. He sat down, watching you intently as you started to feel stupidly nervous again.

Your hands trembled a bit as you reached to grab the fork, swiftly taking a piece and then  quickly consuming it. You figured the faster you took the first bite - the less nervous you would be.. but his gaze continued to linger on you; intensely watching.

The pleasure you were momentarily wrapped in was insurmountable to anything you had previously felt in months. You had to ground yourself in order to not let a moan escape your mouth.. The rich flavor tasting so unreal; almost too good to be true.

To be completely honest, you forgot that Langdon was there at all until you noticed him grab a fork as well. Also taking a bite and continuing to watch you - clearly amused with your reaction.

You two continued to eat in silence; meanwhile you momentarily began to get lost in your own thoughts yet again. You knew he didnt have to do this; he very well could've just.. had the dessert with someone else, like Mallory, or even enjoyed it by himself, but he purposefully chose you...

Your cheeks grew hot at the thought of how he seemed to subtly state that he returned your affection. You knew there was no way that he didnt know that you harbored feelings for him; the way in which you acted flustered in his prescience had to be a dead give away.

An hour or so later you walked back to your room; the night slowly cutting into the early hours of the morning but you really couldnt care less. You really didnt care about anything, even if Venable found you. The last thought you had before you took a very shortlived nap, was how much of a sneaky bastard Langdon truly was.

Taglist: @mina672 @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakewaterxx @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @beyond-repentance

[brelione]

Trying To Help (The Best Boys)

Series Masterlist

Warnings:Mentions of death, not super sad kind of just conflicting I think (figured id give you guys an emotional break), mentions of blood.Not proof read because im a lazy bitch.

“Hey pretty boy.”You whispered, trying not to cry.Topper frowned, not understanding where he was or why everything felt so weird. “Im sorry I drove off a bridge.”He replied, his voice sounding funny as if he had been talking with food in his mouth.

 “Dont be bubs, you didnt mean to….”You replied, hoping your voice wasnt hurting his head.His eyes closed again, too lazy to keep them open. “Rafe should be here soon.”You bit the inside of your cheek anxiously.

His nose scrunched up, a look of disapproval on his face. “Why does everything always gotta be about Rafe?”He asked, his eyes opening wide when he realised there was a cast on his arm.He moved the fingers on his right hand, making sure that one wasnt broken too.Needles and IVs had been stabbed into his arm and hand, an air tube across his face and at his nostrils.

He noticed your hand on the bed, reaching for it with his good hand.You let him hold it, glad he wasnt mad at you.The room was quiet and dark but not so much that it was awkward, the two of you just trying to keep eachother calm. “Hey,guys.”The door opened to reveal Rafe.

He was wearing a backwards hat, a light blue polo shirt and black pants.He looked just as much of a mess as you, a guilty expression on his face.His eyes flicked over to you and Toppers hands as he sat in the chair next to you.

 “Is that Rafe?”Topper asked, too tired to open his eyes again. “Yeah, dude.You really fucked up this time.”Rafe smiled but his face quickly fell into a frown when you didnt do the same.You began to drag your fingertips along Toppers arm, feeling a bit better when he grinned at the feeling.

“So how was the movie?”He asked, feeling his eyes water up. “Um...yeah, we didnt end up finishing it.Guess it wasnt the same without you there.”You muttered, your fingers trailing back down to his palm.

He hummed, taking in a deep breath when he realised you could hear his heartbeat increasing from the monitor. “I knew you wouldnt finish it.Between you and Kelce screaming and….and Rafe being an impatient slut.”Topper smiled, opening his eyes ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of Rafe’s reaction.

 “Hmm...you’re lucky your arms already broken, pussy.”Rafe smiled, becoming less tense when you rolled your eyes. “DOnt be fucking rude.”You whispered with a small smile. “You know what...its the quoting the Kardashians daily for me.”Topper bit his lip as he waited for you to respond. “Its...the breaking my flower pot for me.”You replied, tapping your fingers against his palm.You grinned,recalling the memory.

You and Kelce had spent the morning together after a sleepover.You had scrolled through your pinterest feed as usual, coming across a ton of diy plant pots and decided to just go for it.You told Kelce about your idea as you two sat down for breakfast, both of you half asleep as you drank coffee. “Yeah, okay.”he agreed, putting on his shoes once he had finished his eggs.

 “So how many pots should we get?”He asked as you buckled your seatbelt.You shrugged, not really having a proper answer as he began to drive to Walmart, cursing when he couldnt find a parking spot.Once he did he waited for you to go back to your pinterest boards and figure out exactly what type of paint you would need for the project.

It was far too early for the store to be busy, holding on to Kelce’s back as he grabbed a cart. “What isle?”He asked, stopping to grab a bag of cheetos. “Uhhh….I dont know.Hold on.”You pulled out your phone, holding onto him with one arm and resting the phone on top of his head.

 “Thirteen.”You replied, squealing and holding on for dear life as he began running through the store, coming to a halt when he reached the isle.You hopped off of his back, grabbing some small pots and some medium pots and putting them into the cart carefully. 

“Can I paint spongebob on mine?”He asked, his eyes glancing through the paint colors on the hunt for a bright yellow. “I dont care, paint whatever you want.”You replied, grabbing the primary colors and tossing them into the cart.Kelce being Kelce had freaked when he saw the variety of stickers, buying at least thirty dollars worth of puppy stickers, marvel stickers, car stickers and shiny spikes. 

“No weeds are gonna mess with this plant when im done with it.”He said proudly as he grabbed every single strip of spike stickers.You had rolled your eyes, picking out some pearl like stickers and tossing them in the cart.Kelce smiled, getting an idea.

He moved all of the items to the opposite side of the cart to leave an empty space, picking you up quickly and putting you inside. “Kelce-seriously?”You sighed, holding on to the side as he pushed the cart quickly, swerving it against the tile on his way to the plant isle. 

“Yep, its easier this way.”He replied, stopping the cart once you guys got to the other side of the store. “Ooh….can we grow sunflowers?”He asked, tossing the bag of seeds into the cart before you could answer. “Get lavender too.”You replied, taking out your phone to play subway surfers.

Kelce huffed, arms wrapping around your shoulders and placing a kiss on the top of your head as he watched you play. “Whats your high score?”He asked, playing with the baby hairs that had fallen out of your braids. 

“I dunno, higher than yours.”You grinned, hearing him gasp. “Fucking rude.”He muttered, flicking your temple. “Fuck you.”You replied, avoiding a train. “Fuck you!”He exclaimed driving the cart to check out.He grabbed a few packs of gum as well, scanning the items at the self checkout.

You two then spent the whole afternoon painting pots and covering them in an obnoxious amount of stickers.The small one that Kelce had done all by himself was covered with spike stickers that kept falling off. “It wont stay stuck!”He exclaimed, becoming frustrated.

 “Kelce, babe, its cause you’ve got paint on the sticky part.”You sighed, grabbing a paper towel and putting it under the water to wipe off the yellow paint from the pot.He was a pouting mess for the rest of the afternoon but was happy with the outcome of the pot, taking a photo of it to post on his snapchat story. “How did you do that?”He asked, pointing to the pastel rainbow pot you had painted.You shrugged, just going off of what you saw in the video.You two had decided to just go sit on the couch and watch some cartoons while you waited for Rafe and Topper, leaving the pots to dry on the table.

Once Topper had gotten there he had given you a quick greeting and went into the kitchen to get something to drink, accidentally elbowing one of the pots in the process and sending it to the floor, the clay colliding with your tile floor. “TOPPER!WHAT THE FUCK?!”You exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen.

“Its the stealing my hoodies from me and then pretending you didnt for me.”He replied.Your heart dropped as you realized you were wearing his hoodie right now, beginning to freak out when you realised you werent even wearing pants.

 “Shut up.”You replied, squeezing his hand lightly.Kelce came through the door a few seconds later, sighing loudly. “These people are ridiculous-I had to convince them that I was Top’s adopted brother.Did you have to do that?”He asked Rafe, going to stand at the end of the bed.

 “Nope.”Rafe replied.Kelce bit the inside of his cheek, staring at Topper. “Concussion?”He asked, noticing the bandage that was peaking out from Topper’s forehead.You nodded, looking between the two boys. “How you feeling?”Kelce asked.Topper grinned, peaking one eye open. 

“Like shit.”Topper replied, a small smile on his face. “How long am I gonna be stuck here?”Topper asked, finally acknowledging the fact that he was in a hospital.Rafe shook his head, looking over to Kelce as if he knew anything about the situation that you and Rafe didnt.

Kelce shrugged, not knowing either. “I mean, with that kind of injury one could only assume a good two weeks or so.You wont be able to drive- (Y/N)- how did you get here?”Kelce asked, realising.You had texted them from the hospital which meant that Rafe hadnt driven you.

You went quiet, feeling their eyes on you. “Uhhh….I drove.”You replied, hoping they wouldnt push further.Topper opened both of his eyes this time, wanting to make sure he had understood properly. “What?”Topper asked, cringing at the lisp he now had.

He shouldve known his voice would sound different.He had literally bit off part of his tongue. “I drove.”You repeated, feeling a bit insecure.Rafe just looked confused, Kelce was shocked and Topper just couldnt believe it.

 “How’d it go?”Topper asked, wanting to sit up when he realised that he couldnt really move that much.You shrugged, trying to figure out why the attention was on you when Topper had literally almost died.

 “I dont really know, kinda just did it.I dont really remember it either.”You replied, feeling Rafe’s hand drift onto your knee, tapping your knee cap.He had been doing it for years.He was awkward most of the time and didnt know what to do if his hand was empty, usually going to hold yours or just touch you in some way to feel more grounded.

 “Why dont you remember it?”Topper asked, unable to grasp the whole situation.Thank god he didnt know that the nurse had told you about his ‘last words’.He wouldve had a heart attack on spot. “I was in shock, dum dum.I was just-just trying to make breakfast and then the fucking hospital calls me and tells me that you drove into a river.”You laughed, a few tears rolling down your face.

Toppers heart beat quickened,squeezing your hand tight. “I said I was sorry...did you at least drink water this morning?”He asked, wishing he could hug you.You laughed, wiping your face. “No, no I didnt cause I thought you were gonna die!”You replied, sniffling.

 “For the love of life, Topper.Keep up.”You let out a shaky breath. “Im trying my best, sunshine.”He answered, not paying attention to Rafe or Kelce.It felt like you were the only one who was actually in the room with him.

 “I mean, I guess its just karma.Have any of us ever left during a movie night?All im saying is I think its like a curse or something.”Topper answered, trying his best to get you to stop crying.Kelce couldnt even think of something to say, the situation was overpowering him.

You just sighed,leaning your forehead against the mattress, staring down at the floor. “Why’d you leave?”You asked, still not understanding the full situation that lead to Topper leaving your house.Rafe shifted in his seat, squeezing your knee, almost trying to tell you not to bring it up again.

 “Just...wanted to go home.”He mumbled, knowing better than to bring up the argument that he no longer cared about.He couldve laughed at it.As jealous as he was as Rafe even he could admit that the son of a bitch cared about you more than anyone and to accuse him of not caring about you was the stupidest thing he had ever said.And that was saying a lot.

SOmetimes he was close to positive that Rafe didnt care about him or Kelce but there was never a single doubt in his mind that Rafe didnt love you.Now he kind of wish that he had died since it would leave you with Rafe and Kelce.

They were both better friends than he could ever be no matter how hard he tried.It wouldve been better for the whole friend group if he had stayed dead. “You have a concussion, bubs.Nothing you say is relevant for the next two weeks.”You joked, feeling the tears roll down your face and onto your collarbones, not even bothering to wipe them away anymore.

 “You have a single brain cell, (Y/N).Nothing you say is relevant.”He replied, laughing a bit.It didnt do much but hurt his head and make his tongue sting. “See?That’s not relevant.”You replied, lifting your head up from the mattress and kissing the back of his hand lightly.

Rafe smiled slightly, glad to see that you were a bit better and that Topper hadnt yelled at him to get out. “You know what?I just think I should say something really important.”Topper announced, thinking that he sounded louder than he actually did.Rafe squeezed your knee tightly, worried that Topper would tell you what he knew and that Kelce would freak out about it.

 “I dont think im allowed to watch tv with a concussion-fuck.”Topper grumbled, hearing Rafe let out a sigh of relief.He noticed Kelce still standing, getting up and asking you quietly if you two could share your seat.

You huffed, standing up and allowing him to sit in your chair, sitting on his lap, feeling self conscious when Toppers hoodie lifted to reveal half your thigh. “I mean, you could always do other things to pass the time.”Kelce replied, sitting down in the chair.

 “Hmm...like what?”Topper asked.Thank god Kelce was an optimist, the rest of you would be absolutely fucked without him. “Like….coloring, reading or….I dont know, thinking.”Kelce suggested, going quiet soon after. “Read what?”Topper asked.

He had never liked reading.Back when you guys were still in school he would refuse to read anything, tossing his homework down as you and Kelce tried to do yours.You usually had to harass Rafe for hours to do his work when all he could focus on was you.He would purposely annoy you just so you’d talk more and get all mad.

Between him and Topper you never got your work done, having to read to Topper so he would get some of his work done. “I could read you the Harry Potter books, ive got them downloaded to my phone.”You replied, a small grin on your face.

Toppers face became red, wanting to protest but deciding that he’d rather have you read to him than continue with the upsetting conversations. “Yeah, okay.”He answered, closing his eyes as you began to read.Kelce was smiling as you read, making comments every once in a while. 

“Wow, what a bitch.”He muttered about Vernon.Rafe squeezed your waist, resting his head against your back.It was some time in the afternoon when the nurse came in to check Toppers IV and give him some more medication. “Theres food available in the cafeteria, a warm soup or something soft would be best for your friend here.”She gestured towards Topper before leaving.

She had given you all a weird look, trying to figure out why a patient’s girlfriend was sitting on the lap of his assumed brother.Kelce bit the inside of his cheek, hearing his stomach rumbling. “Alright, well im going to the cafeteria. (Y/N), can you come with me please?”He asked.

You sighed, shaking your head. “Im not wearing pants.”You answered. “Can you stand up for a minute?”Rafe asked.You huffed, getting off of his lap, eyes widening when he pulled off his shorts and handed them right over to you.

Kelce wasnt even surprised, just hungry.You awkwardly pulled up the shorts, tying them tight around your waist and following Kelce into the elevator.Everything was going smoothly until it came to a stop. “What the hell?”Kelce asked, hitting a ton of buttons at once. “Kelce!Stop that!”You smacked his wrist, screaming when the elevator moved slightly, coming to a stop again. 

“What should I do?Im pressing the red button!”He exclaimed as he pressed it again. “I dont know!Press it again!”You exclaimed, clinging onto his arm. “Oh my fuck-shit dammit!Now we’re gonna die!”You exclaimed. 

“We’re already in a hospital, we’ll be fine.”He answered, pressing the button again. “Kelce!It’s gonna fall!”You exclaimed, holding onto him so tight you were starting to shake. “No its not, its fine.Just wait for someone to come fix it.”He spoke, pulling you onto the floor so you were sitting against him. “It’ll be fine, just wait.”He repeated.

“Im sorry, man.”Topper sighed, looking over to Rafe.THe brunette simply shrugged, not really bothered by it anymore. “Apology accepted.”Rafe replied.Topper let out a sigh of relief, glad that the tension wasnt as strong.

 “But like, can you be honest real quick?”Topper asked, waiting for Rafe to answer. “Yeah, yeah okay.”Rafe replied, dreading what Topper would ask. “Did you guys do anything?”He asked.Rafe frowned, not knowing what to say.

He didnt want to tell Topper something that you werent okay with him knowing but at the same time didnt want to lie. “Yeah, yeah we did.”Rafe replied, holding his breath.Topper simply hummed, letting out a breath through his nose. 

“Were you careful?You know she doesnt….hasnt done those types of things.You didnt hurt her though, right?”Topper asked.Rafe was a bit confused, thinking that Topper would get all jealous and grumpy. “Yeah, yeah I was….she was fine, like she said she was fine and I told her she could….ya know, stop me.She didnt though, I was careful.”Rafe’s cheeks were red, trying not to go into too much depth.

Topper nodded a bit, sighing. “Thats good...so like, are you guys dating now or whatever?”Topper asked, trying to ignore the pit in his stomach.Rafe gulped, not really knowing the answer himself. “I dont know….its all complicated I guess.”He replied, feeling guilty now that he was actually talking about it.

 “Okay...hey, do you think she knows?”Topper asked, hoping you wouldnt walk in at the wrong time.Rafe laughed at the comment. “Damn, man.I dont even know.Like, she obviously knows I do.Ive made it pretty obvious but like...you’ve made it pretty obvious too at this point I think.I feel like she doesnt think anyone would like her like that no matter how obvious we make it.I dont know, I feel like right now wouldnt be a good time to talk to her about this though, lets just not say anything to her.”Rafe muttered, realising he had promised you that he wouldnt tell anyone what you two had done last night

. “Hmm...you know whats fucked?”Topper asked, blinking slowly.Rafe hummed, waiting for him to continue. “I lost my two year streak with her.And you.”The blonde smiled, wiggling his toes carefully.Rafe laughed, pinching his nostrils. “Yeah, thats fucked.”He agreed.

“Nobody’s coming.”You huffed, holding on to Kelce’s hand as you leaned against the elevator wall. “You dont know that.”He replied, not sounding genuine at all. “I dont know….do you wanna talk about something?”You asked, thinking of ways to pass time while you guys were trapped.

He sighed, nodding. “What do you wanna talk about?”He asked, flicking at your fingertips. “I dont know...how are your cousins?”You asked, realising that that’s where he had come from.He chuckled, shaking his head.

 “Alec would not stop complaining about sushi, I guess her favorite restaurant closed and now shes all pissy about it.Shes really fucking tall now.”He sighed, kind of glad that he was able to leave the house.You nodded, trying to think of something else to say.

Alec was his 17 year old cousin, she was nice sometimes but she could also be a lot to handle from what you had heard.She was pretty cool though, always commenting on your instagram posts and hyping you up.It kind of gave Rafe a little competition since she always commented before him.

 “What about Jax?Is he still an ass?”You asked.You had met Jax a total of two times, both times he had called you hot and stared at you.He was 17 so it was kind of weird of him but you hadnt had to deal with him in a good six months.

Kelce shrugged, not having much to say. “Yeah, I dont think hes ever gonna change.He tried to download porn to my phone.”Kelce replied, biting the inside of his cheek. “Hey, is it true that Rafe kissed you?I mean, he told me but I figured he probably just dreamt it.”fuck.

Now everything was coming unraveled and you’d have to figure out how you wouldnt hurt anyone. “Uh...yeah, he did.”You answered, biting your bottom lip.He was silent.That was scary if something was so shocking that Kelce had nothing to say.

 “Alright...so how do you feel about it?”He asked, keeping his voice calm and steady.He was tired of not knowing what was going on, not understanding the new tension between you and Rafe.There had always been something there but recently it seemed to get a lot more serious.

But then again he had noticed the way you held Topper, how you’d sigh whenever the blonde kissed your forehead or when he’d hug you.He didnt really want to say anything, figuring that when you wanted to date one of them you would.

Now he sounded exactly like Topper, you were pretty sure those were the exact words that he had said to you. “Um….yeah, I dont really know.I guess that like im not mad about it but I just...I dont know how to feel.”You answered, knowing that it sounded stupid.

Kelce nodded, understanding. “So do you like Rafe?LIke, you know.”He asked, pulling at the sleeve of the hoodie out of boredom.You shrugged, not knowing the answer. “(Y/N), come on now.I see the way you look at him...its a little bit of something.”He pushed.

You knew he was right but you’d rather die than admit it. “I dont know, Kelce.Its just weird, I guess.Like we’ve been friends for like...eight years and now all this shit is happening.”You answered.

He nodded, trying to think of the best advice to give you. “Alright, well life is too short for shit.If you like Rafe then I think you should go for it.All that matters is that you’re happy and if he makes you happy then you should be with him.”Kelce squeezed your hand, waiting for you to speak.

Of course Kelce would say that.That was the most Kelce thing you had ever heard him say. “Yeah, but I dont think I want to be with him.”You muttered, not knowing how to explain what you were feeling.Kelce was confused, trying his best not to show it.

 “Okay….but why?Do you like someone else at the same time?”He asked, trying to piece everything together.The elevator began to move again, scaring you both. “Shit.”You sighed, holding on to his arm as he helped you up. 

“We’ll talk about this later.”It sounded like more of a question.He had never been great at being assertive.A few staff members apologized, explaining that a patient had went roaming around and they had to stop the elevators to prevent them from leaving the hospital.

Kelce held onto your hand tight as you made your way to the cafeteria.None of the food looked particularly appetizing, eventually deciding on a small container of mac and cheese for yourself, a turkey sandwich for Rafe and finding a sealed bowl of potato soup for Topper.

Kelce had grabbed a few sodas and a gatorade for Topper, reuniting with you as you both went to the line, paying for the food.You two had decided on just taking the elevator again, figuring it would be difficult to walk up the stairs with so much to carry.

Luckily it didnt come to a stop this time, the two of you completing the trip successfully and walking back into the hospital room.Rafe and Topper were laughing about something, Rafe sitting in his boxers.It was quite funny.You all ate in a pretty much silence, having to help Topper elevate the upper half of his bed so he could eat properly. 

“I hate hospital food.”Rafe sighed, biting into his sandwich while keeping you balanced on his left thigh.He tried to ignore all of the thoughts he was getting, figuring that the lack of caffeine in his system was making him horny.

That first night in the hospital had been the hardest.You were the only one who was allowed to stay while Kelce and Rafe had to go home.You had given Rafe his sweatpants back.

He decided that he needed to talk to you, taking your hand and getting far away from the room where the trauma patients were seperated from the elderly. “How are you?”He asked.You kind of wanted to punch him.What the hell kind of question was that?

 “I just...im fine.”You forced yourself to grin, not wanting to be rude.He licked his lips, looking around. “Thats...not what I meant.”His face flushed a bit, his ears pink. “oh-oh....um, yeah im fine.”You repeated.He hummed, hands ending up in the pockets of your hoodie.

 “Thats good....im sorry that I went so fast, I know you wanted me to be gentle.”He apologized, kissing your forehead. “Its fine, Rafe.”You answered, hugging him.He huffed, accepting the hug. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, I can stop by your house and grab you some clothes.”He offered, staring down at you.You nodded, accepting the offer.He leaned down, kissing you gently, feeling himself get weak.

You pulled away after a moment, kissing the tip of his nose before standing on your tiptoes to kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”You grinned, kissing him gently. “Alright, text me the clothes that you want...do you want one of my shirts?”he asked, smiling when you nodded. “Alright....okay, tomorrow.”He repeated, finally letting go of you.

You ended up staying up for a majority of the night, holding Topper’s hand as you read to him, switching from Harry Potter to short stories.He had moved over in his bed ever so slightly, groaning in pain, staring at the small empty space he had made.

You took the message, hesitantly laying next to him, becoming stiff when he wrapped his good arm around you and let you rest your head on his shoulder. “You’re cold.”He mumbled, holding you tighter.

The nurse came in to wake him up every hour and a half since sleep was bad for concussions.You barely got any sleep, more focused on listening to make sure his heartbeat was steady.

Rafe and Kelce came at seven in the morning with coffee and donuts, a container of chocolate flavored yogurt for Topper.Rafe had stuffed one of your backpacks full of clothes, grabbing whatever he thought would bring you comfort.

He had grabbed you a new shirt from his closet, a mint blue and purple striped polo that was pretty long on him which meant it would fit you like a baggy dress, spraying it with his cologne.

He grabbed your facewash for you, a hairbrush, some hair ties, some socks, soft pants and some loose fitting shirts.He felt a little guilty for looking through your bras and underwear but he knew he couldnt just not bring you some, grabbing a few random ones and stuffing them in the bag.

He grabbed your polaroid camera and a few of your photos, thinking that you might show them to Topper.You were glad to be able to change into some pants, thanking him quietly and slipping in the bathroom to change, sighing when you noticed how wattery and irritated your eyes looked, changing into the shirt that you had seen Rafe wear a couple of times, sniffing it and feeling a calm sensation run through your body.

You sat at the foot of the bed, pulling your knees to your chest as you drank your coffee, taking long, slow blinks.That had been your first day without sleep.It wasnt until the third day that Kelce and Rafe were becoming really concerned.

It had began to rain outside, Kelce and Rafe were trying to convince you to leave and go home. “No.”You answered, sitting in one of the chairs.Topper was asleep.“No-no, you.We’re going home- dont give me that look.You can come back tomorrow but tonight you’re going to sleep in your bed, okay?”Kelce asked, not really giving you any options, picking up your bag.

 “No.”You repeated, wanting to scream when he grabbed your arm, bringing you outside the room. “(Y/N), you havent slept in days.Just come home.”Rafe tried to convince you, going on to explain that you could ride with him or Kelce and then tomorrow the three of you would go into Rafe’s truck and Kelce could drive your car back to your house so you didnt have to worry about it.

You agreed eventually, going back into the room to say bye to Topper, kissing his cheek. “Hey, dont worry about me.Got it?If I find out you were worrying about me im gonna break all your flower pots.”He threatened, a small grin on his face.

You had decided to drive with Kelce, holding his hand as he drove on the wet roads.He was careful to drive slowly so he wouldnt freak you out, informing you that Rafe was going to go stop at a Papa Ginos to grab you guys dinner.

Your house felt foreign to you, the couch not comfy anymore.Kelce frowned, noticing your discomfort. The anxiety felt like it was eating away at your brain.Kelce tried to think of a way to help, the thoughts not coming so easy to him anymore.

The stress was building up inside of him, the stress from dealing with everyone elses problems combining with his own. “Come on.”He grabbed your hand, bringing you upstairs.

Your legs were tired from being held to your chest or bent at uncomfortable angles so you could lay in the hospital bed.He opened the door to your bedroom. “Lay down.”He told you, hoping his voice hadnt come across as creepy.

You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he was telling you to do this but going along with it anyways.He got onto the bed next to you, wrapping an arm around your toso, one of his legs resting across your thighs with his head directly under your chin.

 “What are you doing?”You asked.You couldnt deny it, it was quite a comfortable position. “Im trying to help.I saw this thing on Tik Tok the other day that if you lay on someone its like a weighted blanket and helps with stress.”He explained, pulling your comforter up over your bodies.

It only took you a matter of seconds to fall asleep, Kelce grinning.The feeling of cuddling someone helped him too, a small sigh escaping his lips as he closed his eyes as well, falling asleep before Rafe pulled into your driveway with a pizza in the backseat.

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[frienderbender]

hey frienderbender is it ok to ask for some lore/information on your magpickles 🥺 I’m very invested in those goods ( off the topic but can I just say I am in LOVE with the way you draw Skwisgaar my heart is just fluttering to fast when I see him 🥺💞 Anyways muah you’re wonderful artist thank you have a lovely day/evening )

oh sure! first off thank you so much for the sweet message! that made my night :'] i love drawing skwisgaar and im glad you like how he looks in my style haha

anyways im assuming youre talking about my general lore for them in the canon timeline, so ill talk about that under the cut

i think they first met some time in the late 80s while pickles was still with snb. they met after a show specifically. magnus introduced himself as a fan, and that was true! but (quick tangent for some general mag thoughts) it brings up something that ive always thought about when i look at mag. magnus definitely gives off the vibe of being the guy who was always just Around in the music scene, especially in the rock and metal scene of this era. like, hes a mysterious dude but he has connections. he will play with random bands sometimes. he knows so many fucking people in this industry (not saying hes friends with all of them though); what im trying to say is. Everyone Has A Magnus Hammersmith Story. hes the type of guy that gets talked about in podcasts decades down the line. ok all that to say he was able to get backstage because he just Knows People. and he introduces himself as a fan blah blah pickles and magnus drink and do some drugs and honestly i wouldnt be surprised if they at the very least made out with each other the first night they met.

so pickles is like, pretty into him right off the bat. magnus was too, but i think on his end INITIALLY he was more just interested in hooking up but they exchange info and keep in touch and all that. so. this is RIGHT before snb implodes. and theyre still meeting up fairly regularly and becoming closer and doing a lot of drugs and drinking a bunch. typical rockstar stuff.

but pickles had been on a steady downward spiral at this point (he was already like this before he met magnus), and in one night snb is no more. having burned all those bridges in his band (for now), pickles turns to his only friend left: magnus. and i think its at this point, when pickles comes to him, wrecked by the dissolution of his band, that magnus kinda starts to realize he might actually feel something for him too? seeing him like this, seeing pickles from fucking snakes n barrels, so raw and real and not at all like the fiery redhead he met that night after their show...it just feels different somehow. like yeah he was attracted to pickles from snakes n barrels, but he realized he had grown to care about pickles from tomahawk wisconsin. he liked that one better, there was no bullshit. no hiding beneath layers of glam makeup and hairspray.

so its the two of them against the world. its the early 90s at this point. on a whim, pickles decides they should leave LA and just drive. wherever. just away from the city because LA fucking sucks. he takes all his money and he and magnus get in his car and just start driving. they end up in florida eventually, because its the other side of the country. or something. they get an apartment, and for a couple of months they live together and its. kinda nice. its different, for sure. but not bad. magnus and pickles both always kinda skirted around the topic of their relationship. they never called the other their boyfriend. but i feel strongly that they did tell each other that they loved the other, once. and they meant it.

so heres where things get tricky for me. how did dethklok form? what was the order? who met who first? i dont know!! i wish i knew! its something i have a million scenarios for and i wish we got a canon order of the members joining at the very least so i can model my headcanons around it haha

with that in mind though, i do think magnus and pickles were a bit of a package deal. like, whoever joined first was able to get the other in. so. yeah. they joined dethklok some time in the early to mid 90s now.

they have a pretty decent few years. theyre still.......something....even in their new band. like they arent open about it and hook up when the other guys arent around and all that.

its around this time though that i think magnus is really starting to go through it. combination of feeling frustrated because of the bands status at this point, general untreated mental health, etc. anyways i think the stabbing incident occurred some time in the mid 90s, probably like '95 or '96 or something. so.....he gets kicked out. obviously. and those are the terms they end on for awhile.........

but uh. you see. pickles never completely cut ties with the dude because. well. what do you do when this happens to someone you care so deeply about. and i think probably a month or so later, magnus actually contacts him for the first time since the stabbing incident. and maybe i have a comic script and thumbnails about this encounter what about it. magnus tells him he wants to see him, so pickles slips out that night to meet up at an old bar they used to go to a lot. may or may not be the depths of humanity uhhh anyway. theyre talking for awhile but it just kinda devolves into honestly more one-sided arguing on pickles end. hes frustrated and sad and confused because fuck! magnus! why would you do that? why, when the bands just starting to take off? it becomes this whole like. you arent the same guy i knew. and in that moment it quietly hits them both that like. we arent who we were, and we dont know what to do about that. magnus asks if pickles would want to join him and leave the band, and pickles tells him to go fuck himself. and thats the last thing he ever said to him.

and thats where the magpickles lore/relationship timeline ends. i realize it really did kinda turn into a timeline but also i did write a timeline during a slow day at work once like two months ago but. anyways. this is basically that.

but uh. yes. i love them. they make me sad but in a good way yknow. its like. its one of those situations where i feel like under different circumstances, they probably couldve made it work in their own weird way. they have such a specific dynamic, whether in their background together in the canon timeline or just me fucking around with AUs and being like hmm what if i actually gave them a scenario where they could have the time to develop AS an actual couple. im rambling but i just love these two so much. this is so long.

i feel strongly they wouldnt get back together in any sort of canon capacity, but i do think they still have feelings for each other in that way you do when you remember people you loved in the past. old friendships that dissolved with no resolution. the person you still have things you want to tell them, even though you know you will never get the chance.

[1gm]

ok i made it home this morning. dont have to worry about being stranded in the wrong country or state anymore.

there was a lot of confusion over airlines and flights, and i slept on the floor overnight in jfk with the indoor birds flying over my head in the terminal with like 20 other people all a meter apart at minimum near some checkin desks (what is with new york airports and having birds just flying around in them? ewr was like this too from what i remember. id worry about them shitting indoors lmao). there were so many people coughing everywhere, if i didnt catch anything from that floor then i sure did elsewhere lol (assuming its not the dreaded virus then surely from that chick sniffling near me for 7h across our transatlantic flight).

(btw just a bit of general advice for people who follow me dont even try switching terminals in jfk without at least 2.5-3h transfer time minimum since you have to collect your bag post security and check in again and do security again in the new terminal. avoid jfk if you can its always an unpleasant experience it takes forever to get anywhere what with the long ass walks in the terminals themselves and the train ride between terminals)

so yeah, self quarantining now... they gave me a leaflet saying to check my temp every 12 hours, and i did some paperwork about where i had been and where i was sitting on the plane specifically and my symptoms (i have pics if anyones curious. you can do us customs in ireland in the special us part of the airport, i got the form there. that was a bit strange, doing customs before instead of after the flight). my temp when i got off the plane was 98.3 freedom units. so i was free to go... but if theres some shit incubating in my body i wouldnt be able to get it confirmed because apparently my home area has almost run out of tests and is now telling people who present symptoms (they want two minimum) and have traveled to a high risk area (which could be me in a few days) to just stay home anyways so they can prioritize tests for the 60+ crowd. which, fair, id only go to the hospital if i couldnt breathe i guess (not that id get confirmed right away anyways since i saw tests take five days at minimum to come back?), but holy shit the united states is handling this so, so terribly. like, just accept the damn tests the world health organization is giving out! accept them! accept the huge fucking piles of tests you motherfuckers! fuck you for letting people die (business as usual i guess for one of the only remaining dinosaur age countries with privatized healthcare i guess)! clearly they arent interested in tracing and stopping community spread that accurately. for shame. and the us citizenry is gonna throw a damn defiant hissy fit if they all get quarantined in their home and prevented from traveling a certain number of miles but i guess all the restaurant closings/limits on gatherings are kind of addressing things slowly... honestly, will they just make us all sit in our homes until it goes away, not even testing people to reflect the true numbers of those infected? i wish i lived in a country that actually did things correctly...

again, glad i got home from the uk before any kind of domestic travel ban gets imposed. im very tired, but im home. and i am going to fucking sleep.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 120 Poll Results

The chapter 120 poll closed with 1,375 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,314 Responses

This chapter is less popular than most, possibly due to its abrupt ending and feeling of incompletion. Still, 86.5% of the fandom rated it a four or five making it another solid contribution to the series as a whole.

PATHS are awesome, but I hope there's a satisfying narrative payoff to its inclusion

A lot of mixed opinions on this chapter from everybody, but I personally loved it. It went by fast but it's something you gotta read a few times just to get a good feel on it.

Best chapter since Attack on Liberio

I LOVED this chapter. Paths explained! Baby Eren! Little Mikasa! The OG Levi Squad! School caste Armin and Mikasa!!! I literally began to cackle when Eren straight up told Zeke his plan was stupid. I loved it, I've been waiting for that moment ever since ch114.

Character expressions were beautiful. Isayama's art keeps improving. 

Easily one of my top 5 favorite chapters. The artwork was fantastic, the double crossings had me shook, & the Paths converging at the Coordinate is Yggdrasil. Love it!

Felt way too short and paths just got more confusing

I actually had to count the number of pages because I couldn't believe it was over yet. Seemed so short! But at the same time, many questions were answered.

Timeloop theory is out, multiverse theory is in! :)

This chapter was a gift from Isayama to all the Jaeger fans. Thanks Isayama.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,342 Responses

18% of the fandom was thrilled to see Eren reiterate his “born into this world” sentiment as he rejected Zeke’s ideology. 16% found themselves moved by Zeke hearing Grisha apologize to him in his dreamstate. 14.6% were excited to see Eren rejecting Zeke’s plan, and at a near-tie 9.9% most enjoyed Zeke pulling a double betrayal on Eren, while 9.8% loved the moment when Eren woke up to see the Coordinate in front of him.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ZEKE CATCHING EREN’S HEAD? 1,323 Responses

It was a meme, and now it’s canon. What did you all think of the resolution to last month’s cliffhanger? 42.2% felt it was a bit goofy but still worked, 29.5% thought it was amazing, 16.5% liked the moment but wish it had flowed better and not cut up over chapters, and only 7% thought it was absolutely ridiculous.

All those times playing catch with Mr Xaver really paid off!

It wasn't bad but just hilarious how memes have predicted it

I guessed it would happen after finishing reading chapter 119. In AoT nothing goes the way the characters want it, except for the Yeager bros.

I thought it was really heartbreaking and absolutely traumatizing.

I was very sad for Zeke at that moment, he seems in deep despair, there was no way to know that it would work to make Eren's survive. It was obviously more instinctive like Colt wanting to hug with his brother while he knows it will cause his death than reflexive

I totally called it and was thrilled it really happened

It was expected, but I believe we can't fully know how to feel because it's still a moment in development. I mean, it makes sense, it was the only move. We all saw it coming but it doesn't take anything from the awesomeness

Great payoff to Zeke's obsession with baseball

Eren could have given him a heads up... Zeke almost didn't catch him

WHICH ‘FROZEN IN AN INSTANT” MOMENT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE PLAY OUT? 1,330 Responses

When the action returns to the battle, the majority of the fandom are eager to see “Armin and Mikasa vs. The Cart” (27.4%) and “The aftermath of Gabi’s shot” (26.7%) play out. On a more lighthearted note, was “that one bird” (3.7%) received more votes than “Niccolo and the Braus family” (1.6%).

WHICH TITAN MEMORY MOMENT WERE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE? 1,328 Responses

“Mikasa from chapter 1” was not only the largest memory shard, but also the moment we were most excited to see (24.3%). “Present day Historia” was our second choice (19.9%) and “The mysterious dark haired boy” was third (12.4%).  At the other end of the spectrum, once again “those birds” rule, beating out “the horse” (0.4%), “the ocean” (0.8%), “that bowl of food” (0.2%), “the colossal titan peering over the wall” (1.1%) and “that one person in the bottom left (1.1%) Faye (0.6%), the blimp (0.1%), the basement key (0.4%), Jean’s horse face (0.9%) and even Hange (0.5%).

WHO IS THE BOY NEXT TO MIKASA IN THE MEMORY SHATTER? 1,303 Responses

“A child from the Mid East Alliance” has taken the majority (31.8%) with Rod Reiss and Tom Xaver following, each with about a quarter of the vote. Eren Kruger was fourth with 11.5%. We also had plenty of write ins. 

A child from the Mid-East Alliance, as he's wearing a Fez. It's probably a memory from Lady Tybur's youth, as we know the Tybur Family had connections with nations all across the world.

All the memories here have been from either te Attack Titan or the Founding Titan.  Thus I don’t think this is a boy from Warhammer Titan’s memories. Possibly it is Eren Kruger’s memories, in which case this cannot he Tom Xaver as it’s much too young for them to meet. Eren met Tom when Tom was a doctor and able to falsify his blood documents is he could join the Marley police. This is a new character.

At this point i really don't know it could be fucking king fritz himself isayama would probably do it

Eren's future son

Frieda’s brother

I think he's ms. Tybur's friend, eren's memories in here kinda mixed up so it makes sense he sees tybur's memories

It’s rod. You can tell by the vest he’s got on. But I do like the few people calling him the Arumika lovechild.

Probably Eren Kruger's friend / brother / child idk, or a future character that we don't know yet.

Someone from Ymir Fritz's time

The child from the last рanel

DID YOU LIKE THE INCLUSION OF CASTE ON TITAN CHARACTERS IN THE SPREAD PAGE? 1,249 Responses

Let’s be real… The manga has had a depressing tone for quite a while now, and some humor (assuming that’s what this was!) is probably good for us. 72% of poll respondents agree with this notion, and loved the inclusion of Armin and Mikasa from the high school AU. 18.3% weren’t quite so keen to see this easter egg, however. 

I knew Isayama said something along the lines of incorporating this AU in the canon so it was nice to see that. Whether he plans to make a reincarnation AU out of this or just an easter egg is up to him.

I think it's cute. It's small and out of the way so it's not like it's disturbing the story.

Idk I'm confused. Isayama really likes to play with us

If you mean Nerd!Armin and Goth!Mikasa, yes I did like it. Could you PLEASE call it Highschool AU or similar, I spent like five minutes trying to understand what 'Caste on Titan' meant!

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BEST IN-STORY EXPLANATION IS FOR CASTE ON TITAN BEING INCLUDED? 1,266 Responses

Well over half of the fandom agree that the inclusion of Caste on Titan (AKA the high school AU fake previews) in the memory shatter was merely an easter egg for the fans to enjoy, rather than Isayama canonizing anything. 20.9% feel differently, feeling that Isayama has canonized Caste on Titan as an alternate universe. 10.7% feel that it is a possible future or reincarnation. 

Above Ymir Fritz, in a dimension higher than PATHS, lies the one true God and Creator Isayama-sama, who casually screws His people's minds on a monthly basis with images like these.

It is the actual reality

Canon?? FUTURE?? WHO?? WHAT??

Reincarnation AU is canon, baby

I have never heard of Caste on Titan.

Really it's probably just an easter egg, but it also kind of canonizes AUs which is fine by me.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE LOOK AT THE PATHS DIMENSION IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,331 Responses

What did the fandom think of a whole chapter focused on paths? 80.2% loved the deep dive into them, 15.3% liked the information but don’t love paths as a story mechanic, and 2.1% dislike paths immensely and just want to go back to the battle.

Being someone who loves time-travelling stuff, I'm intrigued. I see a lot of theories around and the loop seems a little weird to me. I believe Isayama has a great, unique concept and I'm excited to fully comprehend it.

Enjoyed it a fair bit, but we need to know more! Especially about how this dimension came to be in the first place.

I can't wait to see this in the anime!

I sort of wish it was more alluded to and not shown too much

I wish isayama was good enough a writer so that he wouldnt have to rely on this bullshit for long-term, grand-scheme storytelling

It's awesome, we need a break from battle, right? I can't wait it'll be animated beautifully just like Ymir one back in the season 2

The most fascinating aspect of the story by far. I just want every single one of their mysteries to be revealed.

I really want to know more about the PATHS. But not from Zeke. I think he is definitely lying about some things here. And I loved that double betrayal. 

I didn’t know what the heck was going on

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE COORDINATE AS SHOWN IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,321 Responses

A part of the in-depth look at paths this chapter was a visualization of the coordinate itself. Just over half of the fandom are excited that the theories of Norse Mythology influences might have paid off with the coordinate appearing similar to the mythological tree Yggdrasil. 18.2% of you are unsure what Yggdrasil is and how it relates to the story, 16.5% think the coordinate is supposed to look like a tree but Yggdrasil isn’t a direct influence, and 13.1% think it’s just a beam of light that branches off.

I just thought back to most of the depictions in books of Ymir and the Devil.  A good number of them had an object behind Ymir, that being a tree.  Coincidence?  I think not!

It really does have Yggdrasil vibes, and sorta looks like a tree branching off, but for now I can’t quite put it anywhere. Looks dope though.

It symbolizes a tree, and I hope it in turn connects to the tree Eren sat against in Chapter 1

Yes! more norse mythology references! Yggdrasil baby!

I loved how the trails in the path sky were the expanding branches of the Yggdrasil tree from SnK. Different space, different rules of time and matter...

It's shiny, glowy and pretty, and gives rise to loads of amazing fan colorings. Seriously, that full-page panel with Eren standing in front on it is a work of art.

It's the Tree of Life, Yggdrasil but also the Sephirot, among others. Norse Mythology confirmed with the name Ymir, the Norse proto-giant whose body was used to create the nine realms.

Maybe it's Yggdrasil, maybe not. I like the symbolism, but I can't confirm it actually is Yggdrasil.

Tree of life, much original, v cultured

PATHS converging as ROOTS.

BETRAYAL! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF EREN TURNING ON ZEKE? 1,331 Responses

Who doesn’t love a predictable but good betrayal? 70.5% of respondents were more than happy to see that Eren didn’t agree with Zeke’s ideals, even going so far as to support the demeanor in which Eren delivered the blow. 20.9% are happy he doesn’t agree with Zeke, but feel he could have gone a little easier on him. A small percentage feel he should have sided with Zeke…

Expected but still immensely satisfying. Kinda felt a little bummed for Zeke getting rejected like that.

I loved the twist which was made even better with a double-twist!

Assuming Eren wants to go through with the Rumbling, then both plans are crazy

Eren revealed his cards too early. Although, I can see Eren making that mistake.

It was what I'd hoped would happen eventually, however, it's still another example of Eren doing whatever the fuck he wants without consulting his plans with anyone and hurting people as a consequence

Harsh, but Zeke had it coming and it felt kind of great on an emotional level in terms of a true loss to Zeke, who has done some pretty shitty stuff.

Eren’s plan is stupid, you could’ve told Armin and Mikasa about this but nooooo you gotta be an ass.

I knew Eren wouldn't go through with Zeke's plan. But Zeke also deserves to see the errors in his plans, that he has no right to euthanise his fellow Eldians!

I'm not surprised about Eren's betrayel, it was obvious from the start that he would never agree with Zeke's ideology. But currently I feel very bad for Zeke. For first his parents only want to used him for their plans, because of his royal blood and Eren only used him for the same thing. Poor Zeke ;___;

Zeke had a lot of time the overthink everything that has happened in the timeless paths realm. Even if Zeke did not realize before, he definitely thought about the betrayal during said time.

DO YOU THINK ZEKE IS CORRECT THAT THE GIRL IN THE PATHS DIMENSION IS OG YMIR? 1,331 Responses

Zeke assumes, along with 76.5% of readers that the girl we see roaming paths is Ymir Fritz.  However, 19.5% of readers disagree with Zeke on this one.

I was but, after reading a theory posted days after the release, it makes sense that she's actually the OG Christa.

I think it’s Ymir, I don’t think ymir is who they think she is

I think she is indeed Ymir... But could also be the Earth devil.

Hearing all these theories about Eren asking Zeke how he could know, and Zeke just responding with (while logical) a not for sure answer makes me mixed

It seems wierd to me that the Founder has no will or personality of her own, it seems to me that shouldn't be the case, but well... I was hoping she would have some more additions to the story of the titans but she seems like a walking corpse

It's the most likely answer, but the fact he's just assuming makes me not want to claim for sure. Yams likes to seize on assumptions.

Kind of, it's the person they call Ymir but it's really the character of Christa

No. At least not fully, many characters have claimed what happened in the past, but none of them have been entirely right. I don't see why I should see Zeke as entirely correct either.

An empty shell of ymir caused by King Fritz messing with the cordinate

I think Zeke, Eren, Historia and this girl (I think it's Eren's daughter) are all Ymir.

WHY DID YMIR PASS BY EREN? 1,328 Responses

Over half of the fandom (57.7%) agree with Zeke’s theory on this one - Ymir gave Eren the brush off because the Founding Titan is basically a pawn of the royal family. 28.1% are suspicious and believe that she’s got other plans we’ve yet to be clued in on.

Nepotism over cronyism, I guess

She's being controlled by Zeke due to his royal blood so she probably got no choice. Maybe if she gets released she'll cooperate with Eren

The grown woman-child doesn't like boring edgy teens, maybe?

In his time in the paths, Zeke gained enough control over them to make since illusions for eren.  This chick is just as illusory as his chains.  Zeke is using her to manipulate Eren because he needs Eren to control the founder.

Zeke is technically alive. Eren isn’t. She’s going for the living shifter.

Eren is too hot for her, she can't handle the Yeager

That’s not not Ymir.

She really dosnt have a free will and is being controlled by an even higher power

Zeke has created those chains and that girl to trick Eren

Ymir herself is a slave to the royal family. The royal blood in Zeke calls out to her.

WHAT MEMORY OF GRISHA’S DID YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 1,335 Responses

With lots of heartwarming moments to choose from this chapter, 32.7% most enjoyed seeing Grisha turn away from the Reiss chapel and choosing instead to focus on being a good husband and father to his family. 28.8% enjoyed seeing how Grisha spent his time in the basement and the possibility of him seeing Zeke from the future. 19.7% got the dokis over seeing Grisha be there for Eren’s baby milestones.

Loved baby Eren and it was really nice seeing Grisha so caring for his family (I missed Carla too, so good to see her again)

Baby Eren is the cutest baby in the whole universe and if you disagree you need glasses

IN LIGHT OF THIS CHAPTER, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GRISHA NOW? 1,330 Responses

Nearly half of the fandom (47.2%) admire Grisha’s ability to change and work to become a better father and husband after learning from his mistakes. 21.1% are glad that he was much better with Eren, but still can’t look past the way he treated Zeke as a child. 19.3% have always had faith in Grisha and enjoyed his character. 

One of the reasons why SnK is as good as it is. The way goodness and horribleness exists within him at the same time, the way it makes him so imperfect, so deplorable, so sympathetic and so human, it's a testament to how well he is written. I love him. I love him so much.

I didn't like him before, but now I have a little more sympathy. I felt like crying when he was dreaming about Zeke and wanted to see him badly. I hope they will have a chance to talk in paths.

I'm amazed by the forgiveness other readers are giving him. It's as if they're ignoring what he actually believed and did. I don't believe many people are beyond redemption, and the fact that Grisha managed to get caught before he could actually murder anyone works in his favour, but I hold him to the exact same standard I would any real person who tried to bring back a regime he himself believed was exceptionally violent and bloodthirsty (before the Owl delivered the 'nice' history of Eldia). Overall he *could* be forgiven, but so far...holding your cute chubby son and choosing not to commit your original sin *again* is not it.

No matter how much he learned from Zeke he still cursed them both with 13 years at the end, so it doesn't really make a difference for me.

For the longest time I didn't know how to feel about him but this chapter cleared up a lot of things and I absolutely love him now

While he ultimately failed at parenting twice, it is good to see he learned from some of his mistakes and that his actions here reflected that. In the end, he still went for the royal family before the breach of the Wall and treated Eren to the serum instead of spending his time looking for a better, less 'child' host for his titan.

DID BABY EREN SEE OLDER EREN AND ZEKE? 1,335 Responses

While it may not impact the story, the vast majority of the fandom (70.9%) feel confident that baby Eren was able to see his future self. Only 2.8% selected “No” for this question.

DID GRISHA SEE ZEKE AT THE END? 1,333 Responses

We don’t really know how it happened, but it sure does seem like Grisha saw Zeke at the end of the chapter when he noted his aged appearance. 79.1% agree that this appears to be the case. 2.7% disagree, chalking this up to nothing more than a coincidence. Eren and/or Zeke being able to interact with the past in any way has some striking implications, so hopefully we get some answers soon!

WILL ZEKE CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT GRISHA? 1,333 Responses

46.3% of respondents feel that the narrative is pushing Zeke to forgive his father and let go of what happened in the past. 38.6% see the potential for him to forgive Grisha, but don’t want to say with confidence that he definitely will. 11.5% believe that there is nothing that will ever cause Zeke to forgive his father. 

At his core, Zeke wants his father to love him and treat him as a son instead of a tool. Knowing that Grisha still thinks of him and feels guilty about the way he raised him must have stirred something in him.

Partially. Yes, Grisha grew from that. But it just meant that Eren got the childhood he wishes he had and that in his eyes Eren got preferential treatment.

If anything I think he's mostly going to be jealous of Eren and regrets not being born at the right time. That being said they haven't reached the memory where Grisha passed his titan to Eren.

Might lean more towards him not changing because of his very single-minded way of looking at things. Maybe a smaller chance, don't know how I'd feel about it, though in terms of storytelling.

I hope. I am so ready for a Zeke redemption to take place even if the chances of it happening are low. I want to see the Yeagerbros working together.

I don't think so. If Eren shows him the next memory in which Grisha gave his titan powers to Eren and forced him to end his mission by going to the cellar and learning to control that power, Zeke would think that he was right about his father that he brainwashed him. Maybe Grisha was a good father in Eren's younger years but at the end he shouldered his burden to his second son and gave Eren a new reason to continue the cycle of hatred, to avenge his mother. I don't think that Zeke will change his mind so easily...I have the feeling that Eren has to convince his Brother otherwise, but I could be wrong.

While his opinion about Grisha May change slightly, that won’t change his opinion about euthanasia.

I love how that in the midst of all the plot development and the PATHS, it still boils down to the characters and their relationships in the end. The Zeke/Grisha parts make this chapter, imo. The boy who wants so much to be loved by his father, who vilifies his father as some sort of coping mechanism, realizing that his father loves him, misses him and regrets the way he treated him, realizing his father is only human... it never fails to tug at my heartstrings. I can't wait to see where Zeke will go from here.

WILL ZEKE’S MIND BE CHANGED ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOULD DO WITH THE FOUNDING POWER? 1,329 Responses

As we step away from the action-centric battle, we move into a battle of philosophies, outlooks, and plans. Zeke has attempted to sway Eren, but will Eren be able to convince Zeke to change his mind about what to do with the power they now possess? 38.8% think he will in fact be able to do just that; and only at about 1% behind, 37.9% don’t know what the outcome will be, and 20.3% don’t think Zeke’s plan will change.

Zeke's mind is already made up. What may change is his motivation. He just may lose all will to execute his plan and let Eren do his thing.

His euthanasia plan is instilled into him primarily by Xaver, his father-figure, someone whom he holds very much in high esteem. So if Zeke should change his mind about that plan, it has to be through changing his current opinion on Xaver.

It will seem he agrees with Eren. And then, out of rage and despair of his ideals being broken and Eren getting the life he wishes he always had, he'll cause the Rumbling to lash out at the world for how cruel it was to him.

No, he's far too stubborn for that. But he still needs to return the powers of the Founder to Eren somehow. So I can see him being cornered in a way that makes him realize there's no happy ending.

Probably, but it shouldn't be because of some Grisha shit, it should be because Eren has a better plan

Yes but he‘s still an ass who had fun in killing. Maybe he‘ll redeem himself by showing remorse but whatever, he just rubs me the wrong way.

I sure hope so, because eugenics really doesn't make sense even if you support the reasoning. If it can be done by a royal titan then it can be undone, and they're literally planning to keep a pack of royals as spares.

I hope so, because I really want to see the brothers work together. Zeke has done a lot of terrible thing (including what he did to poor Levi) but I want to see his redemption arc

I think that Zeke will come to the realization that he is doing to same thing to Ymir as Grisha has done to him.

WHAT DOES EREN WANT TO SHOW ZEKE? 1,324 Responses

This chapter ended abruptly with Eren about to lead Zeke into “The next memory.” But what could that be? 36.3% think he’s going to show Zeke scenes from his own life, 32.1% believe there will be an even deeper dive into Grisha’s past, 19.7% think it will involve Tom Xaver, and 8.6% think Eren Kruger will get more time to shine.

A mix of all of them: More of Grisha's memories up to his death, his own life and experiences (Attack on Titan greatest hits coming for the 10th anniversary chapter), and then finish off with some Xaver reveals if he indeed worked with Kruger.

Bit of Kruger's, Eren's memories, and little bit of Grisha's. Maybe Ymir's or Karl Fritz

Definitely something involving Xaver, probably him in cahoots with Kruger to fool Zeke.

Don't feel like he wants to show Zeke something, just telling Zeke to move it along

His true motives and what lead him down the path he’s been taking since chapter 91

That one exchange between Grisha and Frieda in the cave we still didn't get to see when Eren kissed Historia's hand.

The memory where Grisha turns Eren into a mindless with added dialogue to hit us all in the feels.

Warhammer memories

I hope it could be something around Kruger and Xaver, and finally enlightening Zeke view of his "dad" and their plan. From here they could move around some really interesting scenarios, there are so many possibilities and I AM HERE FOR IT! ("If you want to save Mikasa and Armin..." quote for example idk).

Fall of wall Maria, Dina eating Carla

Some hype ass shit.

WILL EREN BE DEAD AFTER THE INSTANT IS OVER? 1,327 Responses

The majority (77.8%) are confident that Eren will find a way to make it out of the paths dimension alive, while 11.5% are much less optimistic about Eren’s fate. A smaller percentage believe that he’s already dead without any chance of coming back.

I have this weird theory: since a shifter's consciousness can be transferred into the spine or in the Paths dimension in some capacity, what if the consciousnesses of two shifters can be "exchanged" in the Paths dimension? Zeke may end up dying (willingly or not) while Eren lives.

I don't know. I think he'll either come back alive, or find a way to communicate with at least Mikasa and/or Armin before he dies.

Zeke promised that he will never abandon his little brother. Even if their ways differ in the end and Zeke’s mind isn’t changed, I don’t think he would leave his brother to die. He has already stated that he will command Ymir to reconstruct Eren’s body. No way he would treat Eren like that

No. Eren recovered in paths just like Zeke did so there's no reason for him to be dead

It would be a fresh plot twist and I would like him to stay dead because of it but I doubt Isayama has courage to do it.

i think it would be weird for eren to die right now, especially before seeing Armin & Mikasa again

DO YOU THINK ZEKE WILL COME OUT OF THE PATHS DIMENSION ALIVE? 1,328 Responses

Zeke was in pretty good shape when he went into the PATHS dimension, so it only makes sense he would make it out alive - or at least that’s what most of us (81.9%) think! A minority (18.5%) think (or hope?) he will not be so lucky.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,339 Responses

More than half the fandom wants chapter 121 to be the continuation of A Zekemas Carol. 18.9% would rather take a break from the PATHS dimension to see what’s happening with Levi and Hange.

Been wanting to see Annie, Levi, Historia for many chapters.  Now just want these amazing memories to continue!  This part of the story is incredibly powerful.

I know this paths fuckery will continue for another chapter or two but after that yams pls gib annie i beg

A moment of silence for the amount of hope I had to see Hanji and Levi, if you will. It will be missed.

All I'm asking for is one panel with Levi and Hange... Is that too much?

Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in-

Eren in the next chapter is going to open a door from Eren Krugers past showing interactions with Tom Xaver

Heh, as much as I want to see Hanji & Levi, I'm 99% certain we're staying in PATHS zone :)

I feel bad that I didn’t choose Annie for any of these answers, but this moment in the story is literally the only thing I’ve wanted to see for years

I just want to know Levi is alive 

I want to know who Ymir really is and what her motivation is! I want to see the story through her eyes!

I don't care about Zeke. Please show me the Present Day Historia memory. I beg you OG Ymir. Amen.

whatever it is im gonna pee myself regardless

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,263 Responses

While Reddit and Tumblr continue to make up the majority of our respondents, the Attack on Titan fandom is everywhere. Wherever you choose to discuss the series, we appreciate your support of the chapter poll!

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 

"Where's the rest of it?" - Zuko

I liked Eren's "surprised Pikachu" face when Zeke broke the chains.

Great fucking chapter, Eren and Zeke are a riot as a brothers duo.

Why is Grisha so attractive 

Boy am I glad Xaver trained Zeke in baseball instead of football.

Grisha Redemption Arc, let's go!

a chapter without reiner is automatically a bad chapter 

At the beginning I thought it’d end up being boring but the ending showed me otherwise. Attack on titan never disappoints

Awesome, beyond my expectation. We get more info about PATHS and yeager moments that i nearly don't care about others lol. The cliffhanger is more painful than previous chapter tho 

Chapter in a nutshell: "I have more resolve!" "No, just kidding. By doing this I have MORE resolve!" "Well guess what? I have a piano. End of discussion, I have the most resolve." 

I kind of dislike the whole concept of the Paths. I really dislike the "enslaved little girl builds Titans out of sand" angle when there was so much potential for a science fantasy explanation instead. At least Eren's acting like Eren again, that's all I'm asking of this manga at this point.

How did Ymir have three daughters when she looks 13 years old and presumably died 13 years old?

I put a 2/5 due to how empty and anticlimatic this chapter was. I'm more than okay to explore the pathverse but I didn't expect 10 pages of filler and recollection, 10 pages where the brotherly betrayal gets quickly resolved with both Eren and Zeke's emotions being turned down (Zeke just told Eren he had no freedom in his decisions ffs) and the rest being Daddy Issues TM.

Dope. Loved it. Answered so many questions. So, the PATHS meme is a little less true now. It'll probably become even less so with the next chapter and so on. 

Eren and Zeke this chapter were basically that one spiderman meme you know the one.

Glad the memory manipulation theory was wrong, didn't expect this walk through memory lane however. I'm excited to see if and how Zeke's outlook on his father and whole ideology will change.

Eren out here playing 5D chess against Zeke when he was playing 4D chess and thinking Eren was playing 3D chess. Eren a legend

Eren’s sarcastic attempt at convincing Zeke was a welcome reprieve from the “excuse-me-what” nature of this chapter

Every time Eren appears in a panel I stare in awe at how beautiful he is. Shaven face + Hobo hair = Peak Eren. 

I love how abrupt the ending is, specially if Isayama's going for what I'm thinking. I suspect chapters 120, 121, and 122 will all feel connected as one single big chapter, with action outside paths only unfreezing at the end of 122. The main issue is how some parts of this chapter feel like stalling for the inevitable anniversary chapter next month, but I believe it's gonna pay off.

I was laughing like a maniac by the end of the chapter. Eren is truly an incredible little sh*t, and I'm super excited to learn more about his actual motivations. Interestingly enough, Zeke won't shut up about Grisha the father, and seems to have conveniently forgotten (which I did as well) that one of Eren's biggest motivations in his life has come from his mother, who told Shadis all those years ago that Eren was special BECAUSE "he was born into this world". As much as I reeeeeeally wanna see an update on Levi and Hanji (IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS, ISAYAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US), this walk down memory lane is turning out to be the most entertaining part of the arc so far 

I'm SO HAPPY to see Eren talking again and to see that fiery determination and his snarky attitude! Go Eren!

Just . . . I'm really tired. Now Grisha's father of the year all of sudden. I'm still waiting for Eren to like, suffer real consequences for his war crimes and his shitty treatment of his "friends." And Annie is probably never going to be relevant, Historia is going to stay stuck in her chair. Like, the whole point of this series was that it's hard to tell what the truth is, right? And now there's MAGIC and Eren can literally take Zeke into his memories to show Zeke EXACTLY what happened with Grisha as if that's the real truth? Isayama's gone soft or given up, I dunno. I'm just tired.

Anyone else expect Isayama to just carry on with these flashbacks for four chapters just like the basement.

This chapter hurt me. In fact, this whole arc has. I think the point where I started being really confused was when Zeke got resurrected. I get the point of it. You wanna show what PATHS is? Ok. You wanna show how titans are built! Sure! You wanna explain that this is a pocket dimension and time moves by super slow? Perfect. You wanna show the person making the titans? Cool. But the mechanics with the royal family are so inconsistent. IF ZEKE CAN BREAK THE WILL, WHY CAN’T FRIEDA OR URI OR LITERALLY ANYBODY. Is it because he isn’t the direct founding Titan? Is he bluffing?? I don’t know. I want Armin and Mikasa please.

One redemption for the monky boi, please.

So Eren did all he did, sacrificed so many lives, hurt his friends etc. just because he only hoped he’ll be able to use the Coordinate? Seriously that was his plan? Give me a break please. I’m very disappointed Erwin was not there in the ‘important moments’ page - he was one of Eren’s childhood heroes after all and the person without whom Eren would’ve never gotten this far. 

[nitori-swims-rinstyle]

Thoughts lol

imma put this mini rant here about the 127 comeback. My blog is Misc at this point but I know who ever is left is not here for kpop sdfg imma probably delete this later. Maybe not  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I agree that things should have been better planned for the comeback showcase last night. Mics weren’t working, the venue was over capacity, people in the A and B sections were passing out due to the heat. The members went from having fun to being worried and vigilant over the fans very quickly into the event.  I agree that the misprint of the Digipack version should have been caught BEFORE it was ever printed. I agree that the gap between comebacks could feel discouraging for some (even tho 127 has been doing fall comebacks for a bit now. Just like dream has been doing summer so this just follows what’s BEEN going on. They’re older groups now. Expecting multiple comebacks a year when they really do not need to is confusing to me idk). I agree that what feels like a very disorganized schedule, especially in terms of concerts, is hard on both 127 and fans. I also agree that the pivot with 127 this year to merch first, while fun at the start, quickly becomes overwhelming and was a speed run to burn out fans possibly affecting the spending behavior for the ACTUAL comeback. Each drop causing more distress than excitement (speaking from experience and from all the others I follow. Lol imma be taking a merch break for a bit me thinks). 

But the one thing that I keep stumbling upon is the take that “127 should leave SM”. AND while I get that people are bummed and only want to lift the neos up, thinking that them ~leaving~ SM is going to fix or change anything for them have jack shit knowledge of how all this shit works. You’d be halting solo careers before they’ve started. Canceling the solos of those that have started. Ripping apart NCT from the core. Ripping apart Dream as soon as they’ve really gotten to preform together again. Making moot all the hard work they’ve all put in since they were teens and middle schoolers. You are also assuming that they hate it there. Johnny’s been there since before some of the peeps making these takes were born or as LONG as. He had many an opportunity to leave but he’s stayed (I can think of other examples but idk there's something there). It’s a company. Nothing is going to go perfectly as we and NCT may hope for it to be. Yeah, feeling burn out is something I can emphasize with and is apparent in some of their words. Feeling frustration over how events or the lack of events have been handled is valid. Them feeling discouraged over past promotion of songs they may not all have been fond of is valid. But telling 127 to leave SM is telling 127 and NCT to dissolve. It is not the solution you think it is. Without company backing providing all the resources, staff, writers and producers, production staff, worldwide opportunities and connections. THEY COULDNT and WOULDNT EXIST. And idk if this is coming from teens or whatever but I don’t think you understand what you’re asking for. 

Going back to what I said above about 127 doing Fall comebacks. They are a 6 year old group. They’re well established and are in the state in their career where they don’t NEED to be working their asses off year round. Johnny said so himself that for the most part they’ve been able to relax more. Isn’t that a GOOD thing? They’re older idols, expecting them to promote like rookies or how they did in 2018 is frankly stupid. They’ve put in the work already. AND what we see is only the results, especially with NCT you KNOW multiple projects are being worked on at he same time, as well as individual activities. They have to puzzle in schedules to make shit work. And if you think they’re doing fuck all on a consistent basis you’re wrong.

tldr:

I get feeling a bit frustrated and upset that things feel disorganized but jumping to wishing 127 left SM equates to saying you don’t want ANY 127 or NCT. Its dumb and not a real solution.

[ua-monoma]

monoma 1:55 AM

@ua-iida  hi.

iida 1:55 AM

Hello.

monoma 1:57 AM

.. how are you

iida 1:58 AM

I'm alright. How about you? How are you feeling right now?

monoma 2:01 AM

pissed off tbh

not at you though

just the... mystery stuff again.

not just that but also everyone else that seems to be jumping on it... I don't know how much you've been following

You're not in the chat a lot anymore.

iida 2:03 AM

I try to stay away from Mystery as much as possible. For my own good.

The chat got too hectic for me to handle. I think the teachers do a better job than I do, anyway...

Plus it isn't exactly welcoming...

monoma 2:03 AM

It's not. It's literally just fighting all the time.

Plus it's bugged anyway.

But it has its uses...

iida 2:04 AM

Bugged?

monoma 2:05 AM

There's "a wolf among us"

Like a traitor, or probably just someone who hacked in and is looking

idk

Kendou 2:06 AM

(from Monoma's phone) Oh c dzfy tgc I am not sure hgfdsxb l of the fffffffffffffffffffffffff shhh y

2

2

iida 2:06 AM

....

monoma 2:06 AM

DAMN IT

SORRY

That was Kendou

She's a baby right now.

A baby that's about to get locked in a closet--

iida 2:07 AM

Oh--Did she get hit by the same quirk you were hit with as well?

monoma2:08 AM

I think so. Can't remember anything, she's the same age too.

Lot to handle... kind of fun though.

Anyway,,

... idk. A lot has been happening and I feel like I haven't gotten the chance to see you and

I miss you... 

I kind of just felt like saying that

iida 2:10 AM

I miss you as well.

I've been lonely.

monoma 2:10 AM

... I'm sorry

If I'd known that, I would've been there..

I mean, I still can be, obviously...

... After Kendou is back to normal

iida 2:12 AM

Focus on taking care of Kendou-san first. Take a lot of pictures while you can.

...Like I did.

monoma 2:13 AM

[Sends a selfie of himself and Kendou. They're forming a heart together with their joined hands.]

I am.

You never showed me all of the pictures. >:(

iida 2:14 AM

That is absolutely adorable.

monoma 2:15 AM

Ehehehe

iida  2:15 AM

I'd like to keep those pictures for myself!!

monoma 2:15 AM

Wh-WHY

I mean, that's fine...pff

I miss you a lot

iida 2:16 AM

Hopefully when things settle down, we can talk properly.

monoma 2:18 AM

Talk properly or... "talk properly."

That thing we keep not doing.

I'm starting to get afraid we're never gonna get a chance to do that, haha..

iida 2:21 AM

....

monoma 2:21 AM

...sorry

iida 2:21 AM

Well. If even if we don't talk, I suppose that is alright. 

There is no immediate need for any clarity anyway.

monoma 2:23 AM

I guess

can i say something

actually two somethings

iida 2:24 AM

Sure.

monoma 2:25 AM

I love you

a lot

and I hate the messages I'm getting... and you're getting

because I looked at them a lil a few minutes ago

and, y'know, I have... bad experience with, uh, messages...and it fucking sucks seeing all these strangers just kind of

ugh

likethe whole obsessing thing and acting like they love you when they don't

iida 2:28 AM

... It is a bit disturbing.

But you do know you are the only one I have my eyes on, right?

monoma 2:32 AM

Yeah...

...

I wasn't worried about that

idk

I do love you and

I know I've been saying this already but

I do wanna get better in showing that

and prove all them wrong... because they are wrong

and it's not like I think you believe them or anything, it just got to me. Because they don't know anything but they act like they do and

I'm rambling idk if any of this makes sense

iida 2:34 AM

It does make sense.

monoma 2:34 AM

I love you

iida 2:35 AM

...It's not necessary to explain yourself to me... 

Actions do speak louder than words do, after all.

monoma 2:36 AM

Yeah and I act shitty. Which is why I wanna say it...

iida 2:37 AM

Hmm.

monoma 2:37 AM

...

... I know you believe me. Or I hope so. I guess I'm just afraid of the day you decide you don't anymore

iida 2:38 AM

If the day ever comes, I know you will be alright.

You are very loved, after all.

As you should be.

monoma 2:38 AM

I wouldnt be

iida 2:41 AM

If I may be honest, this road that is laden with uncertainties does not excite me at all. Perhaps this may all be for nothing. Or it could end in both of us going down in flames. No matter how it ends, though, you will always hold a special place in my heart. At the very least, that cannot be taken away from me.

monoma 2:41 AM

... mine too

... that was gonna be the second something

except now i dont wanna say it lol

iida 2:43 AM

I hope you come to understand yourself and your emotions and be happy someday, Monoma-kun. Even if it isn't with me.

monoma 2:45 AM

I don't want to be happy without you

iida 2:47 AM

You may have to learn to do so.

monoma 2:50 AM

I don't want to though.

iida 2:52 AM

You may fall in love with someone else. Someone better. And you will be able to be happy without me. I do not think you needed me to be happy in the first place-- you are whole with or without me by your side.

I want you to remember that.

monoma 2:59 AM

... okay

iida  3:01 AM

Alright.

monoma 3:03 AM

... can i say my second something now

or should i just drop it

iida 3:10 AM

Just say it. If it's that important.

monoma 3:16 AM

[Sends a picture of a sleeping Kendou tucked into her bed.]

I got her to sleep

... Anyway

...

Okay. I'm really, really sorry that it's... been so hard with me. And I'm really trying. I try harder every day and it's really hard

And it.

...I'm really grateful that you're patient with me but

idk I wish you'd lose your patience with me more

or idk,

you tell me stuff is okay and then I believe you and then shit builds up and I can sense that but then you keep saying it's okay and then I fuck up and that's when you tell me anything

but anything between and I don't really know how you're feeling as much and idk, I feel like you're always taking care of me and I'm always trying to take care of myself but I don't get to try and take care of you

And idk if its because you feel like I don't have the right to or if you feel like I honestly cant or

or if it's because I make it too hard to

... idk what I'm saying really. I think I just feel like a burden on you constantly and there's nothing I can do about it

and I want to help you but maybe I just keep trying to look for ways to help you that aren't the ones you asked for

Ugh

I'm sorry

I want to be honest with you

iida  3:52 AM

Monoma-kun, the reason why I try to be as understanding as I can is because I feel like you need that support. People cannot always be at their best and that is alright. I don't expect you to help me in return nor do I think you are obligated to. I help you because I want to. I just need to understand the reasons behind some of your actions. I am alright enough to deal with my own emotions. And while I am still alright, I'd like to help you take steps to being alright, too.

But I cannot do that if you don't communicate with me.

monoma 4:27 AM

... okay

iida 4:39 AM

If there is something you want, I need you to tell me. 

What do you want me to do? What do you want us to be? 

Because I have been trying to read between these lines you draw but I cannot understand.

monoma 5:40 AM

... Can you list what you don't understand maybe

It'll help

sorry

I wanna answer these questions now but also idk

iida  6:03 AM

... Well.

I don't understand what you want us to be.

We have mutual feelings for each other-- we've established that. But then you go off and kiss one of my best friends before talking to me about anything.

You don't owe me an explanation, we aren't in a relationship, but, it does.. hurt. It confuses me still. And if there weren't other pressing matters I would still be upset.

monoma 6:10 AM

...

it's not like I planned that... He was the one that kissed me first and...

I mean, I assumed he would've told you this by now

And I know it's still largely my fault and I'm sorry about that but like

...idk

I get... swept up... I don't think about it

when it's happening, anyway

And I don't feel anything about it, I mean. I don't feel... anything for Midoriya

Kind of the point sometimes is just not feeling anything at all tbh

I do want... us.  though.... 

(I'd feel weird actually talking about us through text though..)

iida 6:40 AM

Do you want "us" because you legitimately do, or because you are lonely?

Sorry, that is a bit too heavy to ask over text.

I am just.

Wondering.

And I am never brave enough to ask you face to face anyway.

monoma 6:41 AM

Oh

Legitimately.

I never really got lonely until after we started spending time together

iida 6:45 AM

Ah.

Alright.

There's still a few things I don't understand, but, I think this is a conversation we should have in person.

Hopefully with no distractions.

monoma 6:47 AM

... Hopefully

iida  6:47 AM

It's very late.. We should get rest.

monoma  6:47 AM

Yeah

This was good I think...haha

iida 6:50 AM

It was.

monoma 6:59 AM

Goodnight then.

iida 7:00 AM

Good night, Monoma-kun. Sleep well.

monoma 7:12 AM

You too

[outlandwr]

i feel lonely, and i am trying to figure out how it affects me, because i enjoy the feeling of having a piece of mind that is mine, and no one else’s, but at the same time, it makes very sad, maybe out of comparing other people’s relationships with one another, because i don’t think i have ever met someone where i feel a 100 % safe or i can trust them with my soul, its pretty confusing actually, because i have loved i have been loved i have felt love, but never, once in my life i felt completly safe, and idk is that even a thing that people do? like feeling completly safe with someone, can you truly trust someone? i wish i could tell it all without the fear of being rejected or maybe too much for you to handle, and then i will push you away i am so fucking afraid i will push you away, i haven’t feel this close to safety in a very long time, if i am being honest i only felt this once, and it didn’t ended so well, cause it was too much, i mean , its always about my perception and my horrible way of assuming things about people around me, so when i believe it is too much for you i will, on purpose, push you away, its not that i hate you or i don’t trust you i just don’t want to give you the burden of the things i carry within me, things that are not worth sharing and i understand sometimes i may show it, but please understand i didn’t mean to let it show, i don’t really know how to be completly open without feeling like this big huge burden, i am so sorry, i hope this isn’t the thing that fuck us up, i hope i don’t fuck us up by assuming things about you, because i trust you, i really trust you, its just insane for me the idea fo letting you in, and telling you everything, and then you become this place where i feel the most safe and you give me all this love and affection i can never get from anywhere else, because i want you and i want this feeling of safety but i really wish i wouldnt rely on you for that i dont want to want you because you are going to give a place where i feel completly safe i know i dont like you only beacause of that and i am so sorry for being so lonely, i really do not want to burden you with my expectations of you giving me this safety i could never completly get, maybe i think i love you because you make me feel safe, your home is a safe place, your life gives me a safe feeling of where i will not feel detached or misplaced, or bothering someone, your mom invited me for tea dude, it got me so absolutely happy, and im writing this in tears right now, cause you make me feel so fucking safe, i want to see everyday of my life, and sleep in your bed for a few minutes after lunch and learn about your favorite things in the world, and i want to know your mom, and your dad, and your life, i want to be in it i want to be with you, and please know if i ever let you read this i trust you with my whole life, in a type of way i would marry you if you asked me, its so soon and maybe it doesnt look like it, but this, wanting to allow you in so fucking deep is a way of telling you i love you, deeply, desperatly, unconditionally. I just want to be able to love you without the burden of myself. I am not sure if you understand, im ok tho, just thougts kk

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[angstanddreams]

I want to text you, I want to hangout with you                                                        Talk to you                                                                                                                I want to care less about you                                                                                  I want to think about you only as much as I’d think about a normal friend              I want to think of you, and truly believe that you are                                         Just a friend                                                                                                          A regular old friend who I’m comfortable with and like talking to and can text without going through multiple drafts

I don’t want you                                                                                                       I want to believe that                                                                                              I don’t like you                                                                                                         I just see you as a friend                                                                                        I can’t imagine you as anything other than a friend                                                I wish that were true

I hate that I like you                                                                                                  I hate that I know --know-- that you don’t like me                                            Because I wish you liked me                                                                                   I can’t stop wishing you liked me                                                                        So many goddamn other people seem to like me                                                Why don’t you like me

I dont know what to think or what to do                                                                    I don’t know what to say to you,                                                                            What to reveal and how much to hide                                                                      I want to know you                                                                                              And what's worse, I want you to know me

Not everything, no one will ever know everything about me                                  But, the most of it? The majority of me?                                                                  I wish in the depths of my emotionless heart that you know me                            That you could accept me                                                                               Scabrous heart and all

I want you, but maybe its just Someone that I want and youre the face I picture    For now                                                                                                                But also, I dont know                                                                                            I’m scared to say it, admit it                                                                                    I want you in my life for a long time                                                                    Friends or enemies or something or something                                                      Asallra

I want you in my life, youre…                                                                              You’re something else and                                                                                      I can’t help but find it beautiful                                                                          Incredible                                                                                                                I feel like I know you                                                                                              But there’s lies between us, walls between                                                            Us. we like it that way                                                                                              I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s secrets you’ll die with too                                      I understand that

There’s lies and walls and                                                                                      It seems like you like them there                                                                            If I’m honest, I need them too                                                                                If you told me you liked me, I know I’d                                                                    I wouldn’t know what to do                                                                                      I would probably disappear(on the wind)

If you told me you liked me I wouldnt believe you                                              Because if there’s one thing I’m learning                                                          People, apparently especially guys,                                                              People go after the ones they like,                                                                      They don’t leave you doubting                                                                          Confused and unsure and fearful and hoping

I don’t know what to say to you                                                                                I don’t know why you snap me late at night                                                            With so few words, when I assume you’re drunk                                                And then we never talk about it                                                                          You understand there are things people shouldnt say around other people            I guess its called tact, or maybe just the intelligence or manipulation                  

Will you be honest                                                                                              Now that I’ve insulted you?                                                                                  Did you understand I didn’t mean it as an insult?                                                  Do you have any idea what I think of you?                                                              I respect you, you’re                                                                                            

Beyond one adjective                                                                                              But                                                                                                                      Just                                                                                                                Wonderful                                                                                                            And so fucking 

Goddamn it

I guess i’ll just focus on myself for a while                                                          The Lovers can mean self-love too, foremost                                                          I hate getting love readings, love cards                                                                  I hate any sign that youre “coming to me” or                                                     “Will reveal the truth” finally                                                                                    I refuse to accept it, I know you can’t be the subject of that sentence

Goddammit you’re amazing and I want you in my life even if we’ll only ever be friends                                                                                                                      I hope to god i can stop thinking of you as anything else                                        If its just friends we shall be then we shall be                                                          I know you don’t like me, refuse any sign you might                                              If you liked me, you’d act like it                                                                            Not like you even have the option of course

You don’t like me                                                                                                      I don’t like you                                                                                                          I just get nervous when I text you, get nervous when you reply                              Your name has become beautiful to me                                                                  A slight shock when I see it, or someone says it                                                    A silent prayer when I might run into you                                                            Am I hoping to see you or avoid you                                                                    I’m scared either way

Part of me wishes I would, knew how to, could                                                  Just ask you                                                                                                  Maybe even in a meandering subtle way that                                                          I know you would understand                                                                                But that wouldn’t make me say it                                                                        “Do you like me”

And then you’d confirm, without having to say it                                                     “I don’t like you”                                                                                                 And I could know,                                                                                              You don’t like me, you never have, you never will

And we can just be friends                                                                                  And I could let it go                                                                                                  Of course maybe after I let it go, that would be when you decide to kiss me at a Halloween party                                                                                                  And fuck me over

I guess I’ll just date and date around                                                                      And focus on myself                                                                                                I don’t like you, you’re just a friend.                                                                          I think you’re incredible and I don’t want anything more                                          I’ll date and focus on myself                                                                                And pretend I don’t think about you or care about you more than any other friend

[yeoldontknow]

Did You See?

Author’s Note: lord i am so glad someone requested Jongin fluff so i could make up for the torture that is Mourning Air. this is a gift for @kpopandlock and i hope hope hope i have done this justice. romance comes very hard for me unless theres chapters of tension and build up, so i hope this makes every Nini stan swoon just a tiny bit <3 enjoy loves!

Pairing: Kai x Reader

Summary: every day, you fall a little bit more in love with your best friend, Jongin. everyday, you ache for him. everyday, you miss all the signs of something he’s been trying to tell you.

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,068

Nini[2:06 AM]: you up?

Y/N[2:08 AM]: yeah why

Nini[2:08 AM]: are you hungry?

Y/N[2:10 AM]: !!! diner run? :)

Nini[2:11 AM]: i have a better idea ;)

Y/N[2:12 AM]: better than 2AM waffles?? D:

Nini[2:13 AM]: promise to keep an open mind

Y/N[2:14 AM]: nini it’s too early...or late idk to be open minded~~

Nini[2:15 AM]: ok then be spontaneous

Y/N[2:16 AM]: what are you suggesting

Nini[2:18 AM]: cheesesteaks

Y/N[2:18 AM]: im not fucking cooking at 2 in the morning, are you high

Nini[2:20 AM]: nooo let’s go GET them i know an amazing food truck in philly

Y/N[2:21 AM]: are you driving?

Nini[2:21 AM]: as long as you DJ

Y/N[2:22 AM]: come pick me up~~ <3

Nini[2:23 AM]: that’s my girl! be there in 10

True to his word, Jongin arrives ten minutes later looking too put together for what you think is just a night drive. He stands in your doorway, bright smile making you feel like you’re ascending dawn, grey hoodie and running pants matching with a casual, attractive air of non-effort. You want to comment on this, tell him he's overdressed and making you tumble into a state of longing, but before you can speak, he leans over to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear. 

‘We’re taking the scenic route.’

This is nothing new for him. He's said these same words to you hundreds of times on different occasions, sometimes even in metaphor, but tonight it feels different. Tonight, his breath hovers over your ear a little too long and it takes all your willpower not to press your cheek to his. You know you're alone in this sentiment, know that these feelings are one sided and must remain this way for the benefit of your friendship. But still, tonight, these words make you want him more. 

The highway is empty as you drive, chasing the moon and stars with your headlights. You watch him, studying the way he seems to glow in the night, and think he never really looks as relaxed or as serene as when he's driving. With one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, fingers dancing in the cool night air, his face is placid and happy, eyes bright and filled with hidden laughter as he drives. This is when you really see him, truly see all the vulnerable parts of him, when he's pensive and assumes no one is looking; when he's alone with you. 

Mirroring his position, you stick your arm out the window and find yourself falling into the moment, collapsing into it. You've never felt closer to him than right now, driving on the interstate for a spontaneous cheesesteak run. You've never felt more alive than in this moment, as the state Pennsylvania sign passes you by. Beside you trees and trees and trees pass along the river bank, and you're glad he chose this route. You're glad he wanted the extra time with you and no one else, not even other strangers on this secluded road. You're glad that he wants you, even if it's only like this.

Eventually, you fall asleep - not a truly deep sleep, just dozing softly, hand still catching the wind as your head lulls to the side with parted lips.

You are asleep and so you don't see it. You don't see the way he turns to look at you, your skin shimmering as the first glimmers of the sun start to pour over your face. You don't see the way he smiles, admiration of you beginning to eat away at and melt through him. You don't see him reach for your hand as it rests on your thigh with loose fingers, and the way he pauses just over the palm. He ghosts over it, molding his hand above it as though he were miming the hold, before pulling it back to the gear shift. You don't see him clutch at it, holding it and pretending it is your skin.

You don't see him tumbling with you.

Nini[1:33 PM]: you going to jongdae’s thing tonight?

Y/N[1:35 PM]: idk maybe. i have to see if i feel up for it

Nini[1:37 PM]: pllssss!! youre never really up for these things and i need you with me tonight

Y/N[1:40 PM]: why tonight of all nights? lmao youve gone to so many parties without me

Nini[1:41 PM]: because tonight i just don’t want to be without you :)

Y/N[1:42 PM]: this is not a reason

Nini[1:43 PM]: excuse me, it’s the only reason that matters

Y/N[1:44 PM]: you know i get shy at parties

Nini[1:46 PM]: jongdae and i will be there

Y/N[1:48 PM]: and if it were just you two it would be ok - it wouldnt even be a party~~ it's other people nini :/

Nini[1:50 PM]: i’ll be with you the whole night i promise :))

Y/N[1:52 PM]: youre not going to take no for answer are you :c

Nini[1:52 PM]: nope :D

Y/N[1:56 PM]: fine. ill meet you there ugh

Nini[1:58 PM]: thank you duchess! i'll make it up to you! <3

Y/N[1:58 PM]: you better

Jongin finds you the minute you enter the crowded house, his hand seeking yours and threading your fingers together as you push through the door. You know he’s already drunk, though you don’t know how long he’s been here. Like usual, his body is craving contact after only a few drinks of alcohol. Typically, he keeps you close by so he can touch your skin and soothe his bleary ache for affection, never allowing you to wander too far out of reach. Always this is born out of trust, you think. He knows and trusts you enough to take these things from you, expects them to be freely given because the language of your relationship dictates it. 

Always, he does this and doesn't see the way hope brims over and leaks from your pores. Always, he doesn't see you swoon.

‘I'm glad you came!’ Jongdae shouts over the music as he hands you a drink. ‘You literally never come to my parties. This is such a nice surprise.’

‘This one persuaded me,’ you concede, tilting your head in Jongin’s direction. He’s distracted, eyes scanning the room with a wide smile offered to everyone but you. Seeing this makes your heart sink a little, knowing that, at some point, even if he doesn't mean to, his promise to you will be broken. 

It only takes an hour.

After leading you around the room, squeezing your hand as you talk through your shyness with others and whispering that he's proud of you, he leaves your side at the first notes of his favourite song. For a few minutes, you watch him dance and sing, jumping and moving with an ease that makes you envious. When he laughs, his mouth becomes a glorious circle, head cocking back as though he can't contain the force of his joy. When he sings along, his eyes close in sheer delight at being young and being alive. 

You find this all too beautiful and too heartbreaking to look at. It only makes you want him more.

So you turn and go out to the yard, hoisting yourself into the fence rungs to sit and drink, taking small sips of whatever is in your cup so you don’t get drunk. It's quiet here, perfect for thinking and longing and wishing on all the stars you can count.

Your back is to the door, so you don't see it. You don't see the way Jongin searches for you the moment the song ends, biting his lips and furrowing his brow in worry. You don't see the way he smiles, awed and moved by the way you hum to yourself as you stargaze. You don't see him lean against the door, eyes turning up to the same star and filled with hopeful wonder. 

You don't see him wish that you were his.

Y/N[6:33 PM]: come over

Nini[6:35 PM]: mmmmm why? movie night?

Y/N[6:36 PM]: if you want. im making your fave tho, so i thought id ask

Nini[6:37 PM]: CHICKEN????

Y/N[6:40 PM]: lmao yes and if youre a good boy ill even let you help me cook

Nini[6:41 PM]: excuse you i am always a good boy

Y/N[6:43 PM]: you abandoned me at the party last weekend. that was very naughty ;(

Nini[6:45 PM]: i told you i was sorry :( and i didnt really abandon you. dont say that :(((

Y/N[6:46 PM]: THAT WAS HOW IT FELT NINIKINS

Nini[6:48 PM]: im so confused like youre upset with me but youre using my nickname and i ?????

Y/N[6:49 PM]: i was upset but im not anymore its ok bb. are you coming?

Nini[6:50 PM]: yeah be there in 15?

Y/N[6:52 PM]: ok. bring wine please

Nini{6:52 PM]: you got it duchess <3

You leave the door unlocked for him, an open invitation to your home, your heart, your life. When he arrives, he’s carrying your favourite red wine and a small chocolate cake he acquired from a bakery along the way.

‘I want to feel like I’m contributing,’ he murmurs with a bashful smile. 

‘Aww,’ you coo, taking the cake from him and tapping his cheek. ‘I would have let you cut some broccoli but this is much better.’ 

He lingers behind you for a while, watching the way you cut and stir and manage time in your kitchen. It bewilders him, a little bit, the science of cooking becoming something of an art beyond his comprehension. This is the one thing you can hold above him, the one skill you have that he doesn’t, and you are too proud to admit that you sometimes use this to be close to him. Tonight is an example, how you decided to make chicken only because he said he would come over. How you decided to even consider it because he would be here and near you and doing exactly this: pressing himself behind you to watch and share your air.

After several minutes he moves away from you, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it with a content, placid expression.

‘Where’s that speaker I got you for your birthday?’

‘In the bathroom by the sink.’

He disappears and comes back seconds later, holding the black rectangle in his hand as he syncs it with his phone.

‘We’re going to listen to some music and you’re going to relax.’

You scoff, flipping chicken in the skillet. ‘I don’t need relaxing.’ 

‘Yes, you do,’ he says firmly. ‘Even the way you said that was tense.’

Setting the spatula on the counter, you turn to face him with a cocked eyebrow. ‘Now who’s the tense one?’

He doesn’t bother to respond to this. Instead, he hits play and soft soul music starts to play from the speaker. Sighing, you turn back to the stove and attempt to make yourself look busy. This was done on purpose. He knows that soul music feels like it belongs to you in some way, like you’ve claimed it as the sound of your blood.

What he doesn’t know is that the sight of him dancing to Otis Redding will hurt you, hurt you in a way that would make your heart feel as though it were bleeding. He doesn’t know that the sight of his hips swaying to the rhythm would make your breath catch, pausing at the sight to admire and memorize it before continuing with a quickened pace. He doesn’t and cannot know these things, so you keep your back to him in order to protect yourself. Because now, you think, you cannot possibly want him more.

Your back is to him, so you don’t see it. You don’t see the way he approaches you, eyes hungry and arms outstretched to hold you in the them. You don’t see the way he reaches for you, hands coming to rest atop your hips like he’s claiming you the way you’ve claimed the music. When he starts dancing with you, moving your body with his as he presses himself tightly against you, you don’t see the way his lips part to exhale against your hair. You don’t see the way his mouth hovers above your ear for too long, tongue desperate to lick against the lobe. You don’t see the way his eyes roll back in his head as you push against him, lightly, teasingly, and the way his fingers twitch to run themselves beneath the band of your shorts. The way they yearn to sneak beneath the band of your underwear to press, and touch, and stroke.

You don’t see the way he finally, truly, believes he is losing control. 

Nini[1:40 AM]: are you up?

Y/N[1:43 AM]: yeah why - MORE CHEESESTEAKS?

Nini[1:44 AM]: can i come over?

Y/N[1:44 AM]: are you ok?

Nini[1:45 AM]: i need to see you

Y/N sent a photo

Y/N[1:46 AM]: see! it’s me!

Nini[1:46 AM]: no. i need you see you. please.

Y/N[1:47 AM]: jongin youre scaring me. whats going on?

Nini[1:48 AM]: please say yes. just say i can see you. i just need you.

Y/N[1:49 AM]: yes babe yes the door is unlocked

Nini[1:50 AM]: on my way 

Five years. You’ve known Jongin for five years. 

Four years. You’ve loved Jongin for four years.

Never have you seen him look like this. For years you’ve watched him stumble into and out of love with anguish, grace, and pride, and still he’s never looked like this. 

He’s in your doorway and he looks like he’s gasping, swallowing whole mouthfuls of the air to catch his breath and to catch your scent. Hair has fallen into his eyes, his wide eyes that look at you as though they’ve reached their limit or found something - they’re fixed on you so completely you’re starting to feel naked beneath the gaze. There’s suffering happening beneath his skin. He’s fraught and fighting with something and you’re scared, you’re scared because you feel he brought the air of change with him and it’s making you vulnerable and uncomfortable.

He rushes into your house but doesn’t sit. His feet carry him in nondescript patterns around your living room, pacing in an almost frantic way.

‘Jongin,’ you whisper loudly, trying not to startle him out of his panic. ‘Jongin, what is going on?’ 

‘I reach for you,’ he blurts out, turning to look at you as though he’s had an epiphany. ‘I reach for you all the time and you never see it.’

Your brain muddles over these words, toys with them and breaks them apart to try to understand them but comes up empty and confused. 

‘You reach for me?’ you ask, breathless though you don’t know why. Something is happening, and your body is in on it first, making you lose faith and trust in the air and yourself. 

‘I reach for you,’ he repeats. ‘Something happens in my day, and I reach for my phone to tell you. I crave food at two in the morning, and I reach for you to come with me. I watch you cook, and I want to touch you, so I reach for you but you don’t see me. I am always reaching for you, and I need you to see me.’ 

The words rush out of his mouth like they’ve been waiting to be released for years, like he’s practiced them hundreds of times and now that he’s finally saying them he can’t wait to get them out. 

You’re facing him, and now you see it. You see the way his hands reach out to you as he approaches you, coming to cup your face gently and cradle it as though it were treasure. You see the way his eyes bore into yours, filled with love and lust and longing. You see the way he is breaking, shattering beneath his desire and how his breath is coming too quickly to really keep him alive. You see the way the world is spinning but you both are still in this moment, learning to reach for one another.

‘Do you see?’ he asks, softly with a trembling lip. ‘Do you see why I needed to be here? To hold you?’

You close your eyes and nod.

‘Don’t do that,’ he whispers.

You open your eyes and make to speak, but his thumb softly swipes over your bottom lip and tugs it gently down to luxuriate in its plumpness.

‘Don’t close your eyes,’ he clarifies. ‘ I want you to see.’ 

Eyes open wide, you watch as he lifts your chin upwards and presses his forehead against yours, taking the moment to breathe together. You watch as he slides just out of view and presses your lips together, your body suddenly warm with the contact and wetness pooling between your thighs. Keeping your eyes open, you let him kiss you, gently and full of purpose with a warm mouth and a soft tongue. Your eyes roll back just slightly as your hands fist in his hair, tongue pressing against his in time with your hips. His hands slide down your back to fist in the hem of your shirt, pulling it up as he moans, loudly and without shame, as his fingers touch your hot skin, and you see.

You see how you both took the scenic route to get here, to this moment. You see how having him in your arms makes the world brighter. You see how kissing him like this makes the world move slower.

You see how badly you need him. You finally see how deeply he loves you. 

[tumblunni]

OH MAN HOLY SHIT IM FINALLY GETTING TO READ THE NEXT VOLUME OF SHOULDER-A-COFFIN KURO

man it was really fucking sweet that  bunch of friends the travellers made in earlier chapters helped nurse Kuro back to health after [the spoily bad thing] happened

and I TOTALLY FELL FOR the misdirect in the opening chapter! this series often has out-of-order flashbacks just casually thrown in, so i assumed this was them taking a break from the sad ‘will kuro be okay’ stuff to show us one of her pas adventrues, especially cos she was alone without nijiku and sanju. But NOPE this is her dream while she’s sleeping, and all the people she just helped move on to their next journey are actually all already dead and she was giving them hope for stuff they never really managed to achieve. Like HOLY SHIT when the last person she saw was a glimpse of an actual alive person and then she steps off the train and wakes up?? And you only realize it cos she says ‘But I thought his eyes were getting better’ about the last guy Kuro met, who had that head injury from the war, and its like ‘but he’s right there? why are you saying ‘I was too late’- OH GOD HOLY SHIT’. Like seriously, was he on the way to go home and died on the train and then she was there at the station and had to see it, after she’d waited for him for so long and just AAAAA. And like, if Kuro is briefly visiting the afterlife and having a choice to take the death train because she’s in this paralyzing moment of depression, is that why the lady was there too? Did Kuro accidentally save her from comitting suicide to be with him? Its really fuckin’ good luck that they were able to cross paths in this dreamworld and she could pass on his last words. But also its REALLY DEPRESSING that her telling him to ‘take the train home’ is like.. thats what he was trying to do when he was on the brink of death, and being unable to do it is why he stayed here waiting in this afterlife train station, hoping against hope that he’d somehow be able to actually see his hometown and his girlfriend again, when the only option he had was a far more depressing journey to take. So even though its good that kuro helped him be able to pass on instead of being in pain, but still, would he have actually been able to talk to his girlfriend if he’d waited just a few minutes more??? god this mysterious dream is so confusing and tantalizing aaaaaa it would be a really good way to kill my heart if we actually meet the girlfriend character in the real world later on and see how she’s getting her life back together after his death or if we meet more relatives of the dead folks we saw in that dream

ALSO its really good that Kuro is battling her suicidal inclinations now and actually feeling like she wants to live, because of these lil kids but at the same time its tragic cos she’s still got this deadly plague thats gonna kill her anyway, and its like.. having hope makes it hurt more and OH GOD the line about how she’s decided the new purpose of her journey is to ‘make a new path for them to follow when I’m gone’ she’s decided that instead of having to choose between them and her goal, its just gonna be that if she fails and ends up dying she just wants to have taught them enough to survive on their own afterwards. she could still feel her story was completed if it ends with her having given these kids a new life, even if she never finds out who the witch was or how to stop the curse. OH GOD I CRY SO MUCH FOR THIS WEIRD LITTLE FAMILY

and then OH MAN the mysterious flashback too! that was a good misdirect without even being a twist, sorta?? there’s no big revelation moment and knowing the thing doesnt really change anything, and honestly it makes me feel a bit ‘whoops i should have figured it out straight away’ lol Its a really cool way of delivering a stealth backstory for Sen! Cos we never saw his face in human form before, we kinda were expecting it to continue being shadowed or at least be revealed in some sort of actual reveal scene. but nope, we just get introduced to apparantly some new character who’s a loner prince everyone thinks is a vampire, and then WHOOPS it was sen all along! (also LOL DUDE YOU’LL BE A VAMPIRE IN LIKE FIVE SECONDS, DONT WORRY) And its so obvious in retrospect, we even see that he has a lil girl as his apprentice and he's like ‘just call me sensei, i dont want you to get attatched to me’. But she looks completely different to Kuro so at most I just thought ‘oh it’ll be some sort of analogy or moral to the main story or something’. And then seriously there is NO INSIGHT TO ANYTHING and no explanation of what happened to them or why, its just horribly shocking both to them and the audience. We just get some disconnected cute 4-koma adventures of flashback kuro and sen, revealing a little of how they first met, and then literally kuro just turns around the corner and the panels dissolve into horrifying shadowy hands that tear her apart as she begs sen not to touch her or he’ll be cursed too. AND IT JUST ENDS Like seriously, there wasnt even a STORY to the witch cursing them?? she just appeared in their house one day?? she was fuckin lurking in the library and cursed the first person she made eye contact with???? and sen got dragged into it too cos he was trying to save the poor kid, after all these panels of him being cynical jerk saying he doesn’t care about her, and just.. *SOB*

But actually, I’m wondering why his curse was so much different compared to the formula we’ve seen for every other case of it? its always been this one same disease that makes you rot apart into shadow stuff until you die. Why did he turn into 1000 bats instead? A random theory: maybe he actually did die, and this isn’t really the same curse as kuro’s, this is something that happened to him to save him. The first time we saw the curse in action was from that kid who innocently talked to the witch and wished to use magic too, so maybe it like.. actually is that? Maybe this curse is a literal granting of the wish, maybe this is how she passes on her powers and it just kills people who arent worthy, or something. So i dunno, maybe Kuro has some degree of witch magic locked away deep inside her rotting heart now, and she subconciously used it to save Sen’s life by cursing him with this different curse? that could be A Good Depressing Twist later, cos it could mean that if Kuro gets cured, Sen will die. And I mean, it would explain why Kuro doesnt know she has witch powers, maybe the constant upkeep of maintaining Sen’s spell is taking up all her energy, or something? We never get to see if Mo actually got her wish for magic powers in that terrifying flashback, we just see how she started dying of the shadow plague and then how Kuro found her on the last day of her life and they became friends and then HER LEGS FUCKING FELL OFF AND CRUMBLED INTO DUST AND HER EYE FELL OUT OF HER HEAD and then kuro’s last scrap of optimism died and she decided to carry Mo’s coffin forever out of certainty that the curse would indeed kill her, her quest would fail, and she’d better be prepared for her own funeral And like, when i first read that chapter I thought that this was where Kuro got the curse?? I thought it was contagious from touch or something and by giving Mo a bit of peace on her deathbed she’d picked it up from her. (Though that wouldnt explain why nobody’s ever got infected from interacting with kuro throughout the rest of the story, so it was a bit confusing.) But now we know that apparantly Kuro got the disease way earlier and Mo was just the closest clue she’s ever got to finding the witch again, and a horrible vision of the future that will await her when her curse finishes its course. It makes the whole chapter way more depressing, cos you know the whole time she was suffering from the same disease and she just didnt wanna ruin Mo’s hope that she’d met some cool traveller who was totally gonna go on and live a long life of all the adventures she wanted to have. GODDDD THIS SERIESSSS

and okay seriously THE WORST BIT THAT DESTROYED ME is that we find out the evil witch who did this to both of them is actually the same person as the apaprantly good witch we saw in an earlier chapter who befriended those kids and had a badass retort to the asshole guy and just was really cool?? And its even more depressing if she isnt really evil at all and maybe somehow thinks what she’s doing is helping? she was really innocent in that first chapter and didnt seem to know much about humans. So like.. who did she meet? What did she do? Who taught her something very VERY wrong in the time between that flashback and now? is this just the result of some small shred of her old self left, her wanting to ‘help’ more children...? Cos actually it was kind of a big hint in that chapter, she said ‘i will give you one of my voices’ when she taught that kid how to read as ‘payment’ for him helping her learn what a ‘witch’ is, and that she can be a good one if she wants to. So I mean.. is this just her trying to more literally give part of herself to others to help them, not knowing that it’s hurting them, or maybe being so twisted now that she doesnt even care? ITS SO DEPRESSING! Its funny how I loved and trusted this literal eldritch abomination I saw in this chapter goofily dressing herself up in people clothes and practising pick-up lines, and how terrified I was of what I assumed was a perfectly normal human witch who hurt these poor children. But now its even more depressing if we have this strange nonhuman creature who everyone treated as evil, who was good at heart, who made her first friend, who had so much futrue ahead of her, and then just SOMETHING has happened that sent her down the path of becoming that evil thing everyone said she was in the beginning...

Oh and also i really like the theory I saw that she’s another alchemy experiment of the professor who created Nijiku and Sanju? Cos people call her ‘Hifumi’ and thats a name that can mean a number, same as those two. And it might maybe explain why the professor died in the first place. We just hear him saying he has to finish something before he can allow them out of their cage, and then he never comes back down that staircase ever again, and kuro sees some other empty cage next to his body... Oh and also WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCK ME UP, FINAL CHAPTER IN THIS VOLUME, HOLY SHITTTT It actually fits A LOT with this theory... The last chapter has Sanju accidentally horribly injuring a kitten she was trying to hold, and being terrified because it cant just be stitched together like a toy, or.. well, like herself. We see a flashback of how the twins would break a lot back when they were first created, and the professor would just stitch back Sanju’s one arm that kept rotting off. And they’re like.. kinda terrifyingly eldritch too, more than just simple lil kids who can shapeshift into animals. There was that earlier flashback about how they took a long time to adjust to having physical bodies, and used to phase through walls like ghosts until the professor explained how a cage is supposed to work. Like... only being limited by the laws of reality once they hear them spoken aloud. And apparantly they sat sleeping in those alchemy tubes for a long time and might have even like.. slowly developed into humanoid forms, they might have been some sort of visually terrifying thing in their newborn state. We the audience know that they’re just the same as any other innocent kid in personality, that they’re good kiddos no matter how they were born. But then sometimes we get reminded of their actual origins, and how they’d be potentially VERY dangerous in the wrong hands. And like.. even now we’ve just had a really sad reminder how they can be dangerous even when they’re being raised as normal kids by our kind protagonist, how just forgetting that they lack something that normal humans have can lead to this traumatic experience of one of them killing a small animal and not understanding that it cant be fixed, gAAAAAAHHHH :( Also the associated flashback was REALLY FUCKED UP, holy shit! you see the professor talking about redesigning their next beta with a sense of pain, so they stop accidentally breaking themselves, and apparantly he only managed to finish that modification to nijiku before he died. or, perhaps he only intended to give it to one of them, and is having this creepy detatched view of them where he can think ‘hey I’ll deliberately leave one broken to act as a test case’. that would actually fit a lot with the subtle stuff we know, like how apparantly when they were first born they’d randomly grow and de-grow and fluctuate everything between humanoid and animallike. And he notes how Sanju’s hair always returns to a long length whenever its cut, and just... like, he didnt fix that in her but it seems like Nijiku doesnt have the same problem? Does this mean that he actually did give nijiku a bunch of extra features and not fix mistakes that were hindering sanju, that he’s been doing that from the very beginning? I just thought it was maybe that nijiku never had the same hair problem, but I mean it seems like they started off identical in every other way. God I hope its not gonna be revealed that the prof never loved them at all and he was an abusive dad :(

GAHHH THIS MYSTERIOUS GODDAMN MANGA WITH NO ANSWERS FOR ANYTHING AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[agentstegosaurus]

I'm veeeery happy with the amount of Taegi we've beeing getting but... The Fuck happened in that trip? They bonded I guess, like, them hanging out, matching chokers and all, now that cute vid... But like, how did it happened, I'm so confuse... Happy, but confuse. Cuz I always loved Taegi but was low-key sad by lack of content you know, but they seemed now closer I guess?

Omg brooo. This is what we all Taegi shippers Suffer from, you know? Between us Taegi shippers and Taegi themselves, there’s this sort of push-and-pull dynamic bc one moment we are blessed with YG leaning into TH. And another moment we get TH leaning into YG. And at the very next second, we get them standing so far apart lmao. Fast forward 50 yrs of Taegi deprivation, we get Taegi selcas. And then we don’t get Taegi selcas. OK but bfore I move on with this essay regarding the possibility of their degree of ‘closeness’, I want to show u dis: 

Like lol i think it’s pretty clear here that their relationship/moments off-cam are prolly a whole lot more greater than what they feed us. Bc hello look at TH writing down YG under the partner/love line which indicates that their interactions off-cam/back in their dorms are prolly good enough for TH to regard him in that way (plus, TH wrote it down himself: That during work, Yoongi is quite different compared to how he behaves at home). If you’ve seen how they interacted on-cam, you’d be totally surprised wouldnt you? I think it’s safe to say that there’s definitely more stuff going on off-cam winkwonk. (i.e., possibility of them owning matching printed couple pyjamas thanks to Sherlock ARMYs). 

(images in courtesy to peachissodaworld) http://www.peachisodaworld.com/2017/01/pann-170108-even-taehyung-wore-yoongis.html

Though this may be just how I see it, but to me, the reason why I ship them so much is bc of how subtle their moments are. Not sure how others feel about them but I find their interactions extremely intriguing. Like i.e., you know how people always mention that YG is cold towards TH? Lol nah I don’t think so? Bc come on, we all know that YG is a very private person in the first place. It’s just his personality. But if you’ve ever noticed it EVEr (like maybe squint extremely hard), YG does love getting Tae’s attention and you can see it clearly esp. when YG does anything remotely “loud” these days. Like pushing a Pokemon plushy into Tae’s arm, calling him cute, hitting his arm when Tae didnt look his way lolol. He’s more (how should i say this?) open lately? Like you’ve mentioned it yourself, we’re getting legit Taegi moments nowadays. What in tarnation. 

So here’s my theory *puts shipper tinfoil cap on and gives one to you too bcs its gonna get crazy*: What made YG shift (+why Taegi has lots but sparse moments these days) is maybe YG trying to warm up to Tae’s affections and therefore, reciprocate? iDEk tbh bc it’s a fluctuating thing (by this i’m referring to YG being friendly with Tae on and off-cam) and I srsly think that at some point, Tae maybe showered YG with lots and lots of attention but YG would remain neutral (u kno? gotta keep up that edgy hyung persona lol) so in return, Tae takes a step back? At some point, I think YG seems almost similar to how a person gets sulky when another person stops taking interest in them? No evidence for this tho. What made me think this hard enough to come up with a plot for a soap opera is solely bc of this moment: 

(151219 Bts @ Show Champion Backstage) 

JH: Do you have something to say to Suga hyung?

V: I wish that he could stop being uninterested/ indifferent.

((Do you see where I’m coming from?))

Which now leads us to the present: why we have lots of Taegi moments as of late (OT2 selca, Hawaii, V complimenting YG on vlive, butt groping in BTS RUN 12, matchy pyjamas, V’s hand all over YG during gayo when they were punished outside with Jin etc. etc).

Though, the thing about this Hawaii moment is that, I think it can go two ways:

1. Them walking around together is either for their show/vlive stuff (tho this doesnt quite explain their matching jewellery unless they did go off on their own with the camera to survey local shops together) (Then again, maybe everyone else in BTS has one too? we might never kno and this is what scares me a little lolol)

2. Taegi’s relationship is going somewhere (they maybe did go off on their own for fun. This could explain the matching necklaces(?)) 

3. (i said two but this is an extra thought bc i’m trash) They’ve always had moments. But off-cam. And them chilling at Hawaii is bc we’re just lucky we’ve got photos of it from whomever took the time to whip out their cameras when Taegi were together (bless their ARMY soul) CUE NINJA DATING!AU. 

4. They are ninja dating AND filming together bc it’s just so much more fun to do stuff with each other even if it’s on-cam 

So I can’t say for certain whether or not they’ve gotten closer bc to me, they were already pretty close (at least how I assume their relationship is)? I have more theories if i’m being honest here but that’ll make me write an entire complete saga for just this moment alone and that’ll make u feel tired to read haha. But to wrap this up, (according to my guts), there’s more to it than what meets the eye for Taegi. So dont lose hope my dear fellow ship mate. Either way, let’s always protect these awkward babies

(but heyyy, if they rlly did bond and gotten closer somehow with Hawaii, BAZINGA)

((This turned out to be so much longer than how I intended it to be i’msosorry anonymous. But I hope I answered your enquiry by providing you my two cents on this? ;-;

[plusultrachaos]

i sometimes wish id never been born at all

prompt: dan, one day, wishes hed never been born. he is then visited by a "ghost" (another youtuber) who shows dan everybodys lives if he was never born. dan doesnt believe that anything is worse off until they show phils life which is simply a gravestone.

A/N: i did change somethings from the prompt. i also envisioned the prompt as something similar to the Scrooge.

word count: 2113

genre: angst and if you squint fluff

tw: there are mentions and a viewing of two suicides (the viewing is against dans will  and is only on one of two suicides) there are mentions of depression and bullying. if this is something that could trigger, harm, or cause you pain of any kind, i recommend not reading this oneshot.

________________

its one of dans bad days. its one of the bad days where hes trying to be social, at least talk to phil some, maybe a bit of action on social media, before his inevitable departure from society and hopefully his own exsistance for a little while.

while hes browsing on said social media, he feels phil leaning toward him and picking something from under dans eye, pulling his hand away to reveal a small, thick eyelash.

"howd you even notice that, phil?" his voice was soft, fond, and holding no surprise at phils ability to notice the little details.

"make a wish and i might tell you." phil wore a teasing smile as he failed to wink, the corners of his mouth crinkling, showing the smile wrinkles that had developed as the years of their friendship passed.

'i wish i were never born' was the wish dan had made, he wanted to go hide away, hide the wish hed made in his brain to echo there for hours. everybodys lives would be better, easier, if he hadnt been born in the first place, all the haters wouldnt have to hate him in the first place. phil would probably be further in life. his family wouldnt have him as a disappointment.

"i have to go to my room." he looked at phil, whos face was still in  sort of close proximity to his own face. he didnt say why, or what he was going to do once in there, but phil knew him well enough to understand why the younger man had been quiet the entirety of him being up and out of his room, why he hadnt laughed at a single funny thing that phil had shown him.

"okay. remember to drink water and come out of there when you need food, okay?" phils eyes held the usual, useless, concern that dan knew phil didnt actually feel. dan wasnt worth the concern and he definitely did not deserve the concern or a friend like phil at all.

he nodded, knowing that if phil didnt actually see dan out of the room to get food or water, hed personally bring the food and drink to dan. dan got up and numbly left the lounge for his room. he left his laptop there, knowing he wouldnt need it the next few days or so.

he collapsed on his bed, his thoughts going on about him being worthless and a disappointment, along with other degrading things. he turned his phone off, setting it on his nightstand. he curled up into a ball and became even more numb to the world. when he fell asleep? dan wouldnt have been able to tell you.

when dan woke up, it felt weird. it felt like what his lucid dreams used to feel like when  hed been a kid. he also didnt feel as he did when he assumed hed fallen asleep, furthuring the feeling of this being weird and unusual. well, those things, and the youtube god himself, pewdiepie, or felix as hed told dan and phil to call him when theyd met up in the past, standing at the end of dans bed.

"felix? why are you in my room?" he was slightly creeped out. he only ever really saw felix at youtube events anymore, and even then, it wasnt much.

"i know who this felix person is, but i am not him. i am the ghost of youtubers past." felix, or rather the ghost, said, the voice was eerily similar to felix' and it creeped dan out further. "recently, youve wished for something along the lines of never being born at all, am i correct to say this?"

"yeah, but hold up, why in bloody hell are you in my -me and phils- flat? howd you even get in?" dan looked confused, he was staying as far as he possibly could be from felix, or the ghost or whatever the fuck it was, which meant he was huddled against the headboard of his bed. "what has my stupid eyelash wish have got to do with any of this?"

"daniel, im here to show you how your friends and family would have really been if you hadnt been born. you see, your thoughts after the wish, about everybody being better off without you, were mostly wrong. your family, that thought, was the only one that was partially correct. yes, if they didnt have you as their son, all of the things that you think they think of you would disappear, but they would have still had two children. your grandma wouldve been just as close with them as she was to you." then suddenly, at the end of the ghosts words, dans room transformed, his fairylights  and comfortable bed morphing into something else. all dan could do was watch.

his surroundings had changed into a huge decorated and lit up christmas tree with wrapped gifts underneath. there were two children, a teenaged girl and a younger boy, perhaps a toddler, pulling at a christmas cracker. when the young boy ended up getting the bigger end of the game, the older sister said "happy christmas!" with fondness that made dans heart ache. the siblings looked close, and happy. happier than dan and his younger brother had been at those ages.  it made dan long for that kind of relationship with the lad. it also brought a bitter taste and thoughts to dan. the girl, for obvious reasons, wasnt dan. their mannerisms very  different, her smile lacking a dimple.

"yazzy, go help your mum in the kitchen." an old woman, that dan immediately recognized as his (or rather not his) grandma, walked in to the room. he hadnt visited the kind, aging woman in years, and seeing this made him feel guilty.

he turned to the ghost, tears forming and wetting his eyes. "can we leave? i already knew i was insignificant in their lives." he said this, his voice small as he looked away from the scene playing out before him. the ghost nodded and then they were in a different location once again.

it was his friend, louises current home. but it was empty, no baby toys or anything in the flat hed gotten used to being busy.

"louises success mightve been all her, but you helped in the process, being there when she needed a friend. she didnt have darcy because she never met her partner." the ghost said this with a grim look. dan looked around, sad eyes gazing everywhere. it was then he realized he hadnt rung up louise in weeks.

"fuck..." was dans whispered response to the situation.

the location faded again, taking them to a park. pj sat on the bench in front of dan and the ghost. he was talking to people that dan didnt recognize. "pj and chris never became a couple because you werent there to help them realize their feelings for each other." dan looked down at the ghosts words. they stung, knowing his friends hadnt gotten together just because dan hadnt been born.

" and chris? what would his fate have been if id never been around?" the ghost pointed at a man walking behind them, talking on the phone. he didnt spare pj a single look.

"without your constant encouragement, he dropped youtube. he got an office job and quickly climbed the ranks." the words sounded sad.

the location changed yet again, to a sight he never wanted to see again. they were in an unfamiliar bedroom, it was dark and there was an even darker silhouette hanging from a ceiling fan. dan feared the worst. the sight of it made dan want to curl into a ball. there was pounding on the closed door.

dan watched in silence, mouth open in a silent cry as the parents of the silhouette opened the door. the mother fell into the fathers arms, crying loudly. the father was frozen, terror shining in his eyes as he took in the sight of the cold and lifeless body. the  room faded into a plain, white room that had no soothing qualities to dan.

"that was ben. in a world with you in it, he would have found the courage to come out as a transmale and gay. without you, he never learned of his parents acceptance. he wouldve committed suicide if not for your videos." the ghost said this softly, its eyes sad. "this is the sad reality of the fans. some are not in good situations and so they turn to youtube for an escape. without your videos, a lot of fans dont have that escape." dans face grew even more sad as he realized that had been the same reality that he had faced before becoming a youtuber.

"and phil? what would have happened to him?" this question had been on his mind the entire time they had been in this weird dreamland. the ghosts already sad face saddened even more and the scenery changed once again.

dan looked confused as his eyes wondered around the area. they were in a graveyard in the middle of the day. except dan couldnt see any services being held that phil wouldve attended.

"where is he? why are we in a graveyard?" his questions were frantic as he continued searching for the wonderous blue-yellow-green eyes and the dyed black hair of his best friend. then his gaze landed on the gravestone of the grave they were in front of. he dropped to his knees, his face blank as he read the stone.

Here lies

Philip Michael Lester

January 30th, 1987-June 22nd, 2012

He was loved dearly by fans, friends, and family.

"phil didnt have a number one fan to skype him to take his mind off his problems, to correct him when he thought of how weird he was and how weird everybody was bound to think of him."

"unique. phil is unique, not weird." dan corrected without hesitation.

"that is what i mean when i say that. he didnt have somebody to do that when youtube comments started telling him he was weird. he didnt have someone to be an iconic duo with. he killed himself when it all got to be too much." the ghost went quiet after telling that to dan, most likely letting the man grieve his best friend.

dan had started sobbing loudly. "n...no no no. take me home, this cant be real, this is not real." he whimpered, his eyes were screwed shut as he sobbed over the possibility of his optimistic, cheery best friend taking his life. he missed the transformation of the landscape, still sobbing loudly by the time hed been back in the comfort of his bedroom.

the ghost was no longer there and there was loud knocking. and to dans relief, phil called out his name with concern that dan was now certain was genuine. phil came in, rushing to the side of the monochrome bed to take the brown haired crying man into his arms. he knew better than to ask what was wrong right away, so he just held him.

"phil, promise me you wont believe people when they say hateful things toward you?" he asked this in a panicked rush, his words stuttered as he looked with terrified eyes at phil.

" i promise." phil held dan close, the sound of his heartbeat tethering dan to reality.

"i had a dream." dan proceeded to tell phil about what hed wished and then about the dream he had afterward. when he was done, phil held him. dan was still crying, but it had subsided a lot with the knowledge of phil being alive. "im sorry, phil. i know i shouldnt have wished for something so morbid and sad, but it was before an episode and i cant control my thoughts during those." he cuddled to phils chest, sniffling.

" dan, you know i love you. you know im always going to be here to support and comfort you." phils voice was soft and supportive, deep unlike what the viewers usually heard. "you dont have to apologize at all for the way your brain works, just like i dont. im glad you realized that that wasnt real, but i dont want you thinking that i wouldve been better off without you because i wouldnt be as far as i am today if i didnt have you by my side. dont ever tell yourself otherwise." he smiled his amazing smile that was saved just for dan.

dan leaned into phils chest, breathing in the comforting scent.   he sighed as he realized that life would be better with him and phil still alive.

____________________

i did end up mentioning dans family, but i only did briefly dont hate me.