#i wish I'd quit in february or may or august like I'd planned

[itstimeforstarwars]

Can't even enjoy today because it's my last day off before going back to work an I am so distressingly sad about having to go back that I have literally been on the verge of throwing up all morning.

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Sunday 5th February 2023, 10:14am

I haven't been on here in a while. I haven't posted in a while either. But I just dreamt about the person who I come here to leave these messages for and it made me really miss them. So I decided to come here to post this.

The dream was nice. We were in a park just walking around and there was this big dog, I dont know what kind of dog. But it came over to us and kept jumping up on us and getting us covered in mucky pawprints. Neither of us cared though, we just kept laughing and giving the dog pats and letting it cover us in mud from its paws. You kept hugging me too and I told you to stop because you'd get dirt on you, but you didn't care about that either, you just wanted to hug me. That was really about it, I don't know if I've explained it well enough or if it even makes sense, but sometimes dreams don't make sense at all haha.

A lot has changed again. My old job ended on 6th January, but I had a new job secured anyway, so I wasn't as sad. It was the one I had the interview for on 4th January. They interviewed me that day and then called me not even 24 hours after to tell me I had the job. I started working there on Monday of this week and so far it's been alright. My neighbour gives me lifts to work every day and it's really good, even if its a bit of a walk from where we park to the city where the office is (because parking actually in the city is a nightmare and so fucking expensive!) Everyone I work with is super nice too, the company seem really good and not at all like any other company I've worked for before. I'm really excited to see where I can go with this job if I'm honest with you.

One of my really good friends surprised me with tickets to London Comicon in 4 weeks time too. Along with tickets to get my photo taken with my favourite actor in the whole world. They were not cheap at all and I sobbed for a good 30 minutes when they showed me the tickets. I just didn't feel like I deserved it, but they told me that I'd been working so hard and doing so well, so I definitely did. I'm still not sure if I believe them, but I'm absolutely not going to turn down meeting my favourite actor or going to spend some time in London. I'll still be going down there in August too to see Joji. I'm super excited about going to Comicon, but I'm also super nervous. What if I like.. freeze up in front of the actor? What if I say something really stupid and embarrass myself? What if I fall over my own foot? Because that's a very real possibility haha. I may end up just being really nervous and giggly and then I'll end up apologising for giggling hahaha. I've heard the actor is really really sweet in person and that they try to make everyone comfortable when they meet them. So that really does help and is reassuring. I've been super busy trying to plan all of that and book my flights to London, find accommodation etc (luckily my uncle is letting me stay with him, so that's one less thing to worry about. My best friend from Ireland is also coming too and it will be the first time me and her get to meet in person, I'm super super excited about that too)

I've been thinking about you a lot. I've been wondering how you're doing and how things are going for you. I really hope your health is alright and that you're getting better still. I still come and read your posts again every so often, just to feel close to you. I know I already said that I dreamt about you and that's what prompted this post, but I do dream about you every now and then. I like when I dream about you because it's almost as if we're visiting each other. That's something I really wish we could actually do. Even if it was only a short time together, I'd treasure it forever. I've been looking up at the moon every single night that I can too, and I've been telling her to say hello to you for me and that I miss you. Quite a bit actually.

I'm going to go now and get up out of bed. I really could do with a coffee and some fresh air, so I'm going to go make some and go sit on the deck out back with it, even if it's still winter and cold haha.

I really hope to hear from you soon, E. I really hope you're doing okay. I wish you could be sat out back with me and I could rest my head on your shoulder while we just... sit. I'm going to put some pictures of the cool bridge I walk across every day to and from work. It connects both sides of the river and it curves, it's really cool, I think you'd like it.

"I wake up in the morning or the middle of the night, I look at you and I know it's alright"

N x

[thecreationofevelyn]

21/12/2023

"The difference is, you are the sunshine I chase, that I worship."

I haven't written anything for quite some time, life has been coming at me hard and fast, and I wasn't expecting this year to go the way it did at all. It has been filled with wonderful highs and devastating lows but I'm lucky enough to be in the company of my soulmate throughout, someone who has held me through it all...

Back in April I sat down to play one of my favorite games The Elder Scrolls Online, to relax for the evening, I was actually planning on staying up to reset my sleeping schedule as I had been unwell and it had knocked me out of routine. I'm pretty silly so I accidentally ended up on the American servers, so luckily even though it was late for me, the game was still active. I requested help from one of my guilds and a few people replied to say they would help, but only one person actually showed up. We got talking and long story short, within the past eight months he has moved countries to live with me, we're engaged to be married and we're expecting a child. It's a funny little story to tell our grandkids, is what we say.

After his visit to the UK to see me back in May, I visited the US in July, it was my first time being on a plane and I was kinda scared but once I was on there I found I love flying, turbulence is actually kinda fun (in small doses). I met his family, saw his hometown, met his friends and melted in the summer heat that was accompanied by a heatwave. My airline also completely messed up my return flight, which resulted in me being "stuck" in the US for another week (something my partner was actually wishing for on the way to dropping me off to the airport!), and like my knight in shining armor, he swung his car right round and said "I'm coming to get you, baby. Don't worry!".

In August, after selling all his possessions, he caught a flight to the UK and moved in with me. It felt wonderful to think there wasn't a limit on our time anymore, that from now on we'd wake up together every day. We had our time to adjust to living together and the ultimate outcome is that we are at home with each other. I now understand why people call their partners their "other half". I introduced him to my Grandmother who was unfortunately in the hospital at the time due to a fall, they chatted, she told him about the war and her life, he held her hand and told her how much he loves me, our plans for the future, that I'm the person he plans on marrying and having his children with. As I gave her a hug and a kiss goodbye, she squeezed my hand and said "He is wonderful." I replied, "I know". My grandma would always tell me "I hope you find someone who loves you properly, I'd love for you to be happy and have someone who will take care of you.", after living through years of abuse and hardship, I had grown into a horrible sense in hyper-independence and would tell her I was happy and I didn't need taking care of, but deep down, I always wished for the same too, I had just given up hope.

Sadly, that visit was the last time I got to speak to my Grandma, that night she had a stroke and I could speak to her but she wasn't really there...she held on for as long as she could, until she also caught Covid. She passed away in her sleep, thankfully in a comfortable bed surrounded by caring nurses, on the 2nd of October 2023. She lived to see her 94th birthday, on which I made a fuss of relighting her birthday candles because in the rush of filming her, we forgot to catch a photo of her. I'm glad I made a fuss, it was the last photo I would get of her, and it is a beautiful one.

On the 14th of October, I realized I could smell things a lot stronger; I took a pregnancy test...or twelve...and all came back positive. Our baby will be a Leo, the same star sign as my Grandma. Sometimes I think she held on until she was convinced I had found proper love.

We have made the decision to move to America in February to be around family, we will be working and saving and growing towards the plans we have made for our lives. I know my Grandma would be telling me to go and do it, I know she would be happy that for the first time in my life, I'm actually happy and doing what I want to do with my life.

I'm now two months pregnant and I've been having nausea but nothing to bad, it is manageable. The exhaustion is starting to slow down too, so I'm getting ready to begin being creative again with my YouTube channel. We have a lot of selling, packing, and preparing to do in the next two months, but in the meantime...it is almost Christmas, our first together, and it's also my birthday on the same day. My partner told me a story of how when he was Eleven years old his aunt asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied "I don't want anything. Just a picture of my future wife.". He tells me now "And then you're born on Christmas Day...you're my Christmas present!".

Peace, Evee xo