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paulhudd · 5 years ago

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Spindlefreck Book Two: Pt.Five: Hooray for Hollywood

[Story so far: Malky and Brooster have been hired by veteran Irish comedian and international movie star, Oliver Laphen (or Ollie Laffin, as he was known in his 1930s hey-day) to investigate the activities of an alleged ‘poltergeist’ at Pagham House, his stately home in Kildare (Malky was reluctant, but Zindy was insistent: the money is needed to pay for the refurbishing of Odin’s Inn). Once they get there, Broo quickly discovers that there is nothing to see -- literally -- the house and its grounds are devoid of atmosphere: no ghosts, no echoes of the past -- no wildlife! In other words, it existed in a spiritual vacuum. Then there’s the arrival of Laphen’s grandson, Kris, visiting from America; he has a dark aura about him that renders Broo’s extrasensory powers inoperable and saps his strength, but most disturbing of all, his psychic link with Malky is broken; there’s nothing he can do until they leave. Laphen turns out to be an elderly, misanthropic inebriate, and as they sit down to dinner, he tries to provoke his visiting grandson with a spiteful harangue designed to embarrass and humiliate; but Kris, a young, laid-back Californian, doesn’t take the bait and laughs-off every slur...]

Slouched, sloshed, sloppy and louche, Laphen reclined in his throne-like, red-velvet-lined, high-backed dining-chair with (what Malky assumed was) the Laphen coat of arms embroidered on the velvet-headrest (two rampant pigs wearing little bowler hats supporting a four-leaf shamrock emblazoned with the the motto Laphen All the Way to the Bank). Still unshaven, he had nonetheless been scrubbed-up (probably by Herbie), his receding hair backcombed, slicked-down and darkened with oil. Typically, he was dressed to distress -- a turquoise smoking-jacket two sizes too big, canary-yellow Bermuda shorts, knee-length green-&-white striped rugby socks and a pair of well-worn purple flip-flops; it was an ensemble that lent credence to his reputation as the worst dressed man in Hollywood. Wine-glass in one hand, bulbous cheroot in the other, the pale light from an ornate candelabra casting a shadow across his face making his trademark dimpled-grin look positively demonic, he held court like an odious goblin king, drinking himself stupid and mercilessly goading his young grandson, while Herbie, eating at the other end of the table, stared straight ahead and pretended he wasn't listening. Up until now, Laphen’s intended target seemed utterly immune to every jibe. Kris ate heartily and slowly, deflecting the brickbats without losing it and sticking his fork in his grandfather’s eye; a course of action, in Malky’s opinion, that would be entirely permissible in the circumstances.

“... then you were in that pop group, what was it called, Satan’s Pooves?” Laphen sneered, looking for something to crack Kris’ resolve.

“Ha-ha-ha-hah, Lucifer’s Hooves,” Kris corrected him, tittering, turning to Malky and explaining with unshakable chirpiness, “it was a garage-band I formed in high school,” he joked, “we never got outta the garage!”

“Then there was the time you tried to start your own magazine...?” said Laphen, trying desperately to touch a nerve.

“It was a hobby! I was 10!” Kris snorted.

Laphen got all Noel Coward with a little bit of Gielgud thrown in for good measure, “What I’m getting at is this, Kristof: you’re not a renaissance man, you’re an interminable amateur -- a dilettante, a poseur – you flit from one thing to another, looking for something to get you noticed– and when it doesn’t work you move on to the next thing. You don’t care what medium you exploit to achieve your goal: celebrity. That’s Art for Fame’s Sake. That’s profane.” He sat back and continued in his usual, sarcastic tone, “This is where you and I differ, boy. I got famous cos I have Talent. When I do something I give it my all – no matter what piece of shit they put me in - I shine cos I’m true to meself and my craft. That’s how I knew I would always succeed in everything I did: because I have the unshakeable self-belief that only God-given Talent provides. That’s why I can’t take you or your silly movie seriously. It’s just the latest in a long line of look-at-me projects designed to propel you into the limelight. Pass the parmesan mill, would you...”

Kris passed the mill and snorted with laughter, explaining, “That’s what those teenage years are for, gramps, trial and error and making career choices. I’m going to be director. I’ve already made a successful documentary for a for a Film School assignment. In fact it won an award -- an award presented to me by Clint Eastwood who said I was an ‘outstanding young talent with a very bright future’... More pasta...?”

Malky looked up from his bolognese and grinned through a mouthful of meatballs. You tell him, boy.

Then, after a few seconds’ pause came the poisonous riposte aimed squarely below the belt: “Your mother made a documentary too, didn’t she? What was it called, now...? Oh yes, Annie Bell Does Bel Air! I’m pretty sure it was a documentary, it looked real enough...?”

Ouch. Malky’s grin vanished. He’d heard about Kris’ mother’s fall from grace and it was quite an unsavoury story. What a bastard! Quare Geg my arse. If I was 8-years-old sitting in the pictures laughing my head off and you told me I’d be sitting at the great man’s table 40-odd years later hating him with every fibre of my being, I’d’ve said you were mad. And yet, here I am, trying to decide what kind of murder would cause him the most pain...

This thought failed to reach Broo’s brain. He lay in a darkened corner –- as far away as he could get from the grandson -- ate his liver and kidneys and did his best to ignore the noise pollution at the other end of the room. The grandson had insisted on candlelight: “this house wasn't built with electricity in mind, dudes!” and the magnolian-gloom of the candelabras undulated with each ripple of the flames, making the chandeliers glisten like stars in the darkness high above the table, giving everything a dream-like quality. But aside from the boy’s debilitating aura and the all-too-human tension created by Laphen’s incessant needling, there was no real atmosphere here. They’d seen most of the house by now, and it was the same no matter where they went: nothing. Every noise was explicable; every shadow accounted for; the ambiance static and uncommonly hollow.

“Everythin’ all right, Mr Calvert?” asked Herbie, rousing Malky from his daydream.

“This is the best bolognese sauce I’ve ever tasted!” said Malky, with a what-the-hell-am-I-doing here look.

“Fanks very much, Mr Calvert. It’s jas somefink I rassle-ap in an ‘urry,” said the big man, shaking his head, with a what-can-you-do-it’s-always-like-this-shrug of his shoulders. Clad in a sober charcoal two-piece suit and regimental tie, Herbie maintained a dignified silence despite of the slew of bile coming from the top of the table. Occasionally though, Malky glimpsed little cracks in the façade; he’d roll his eyes skyward or shake his head slightly when something particularly hurtful was said, but by-and-large, he was inscrutable. Poor sod. Malky was well aware that Laphen’s jibes were meant for the old retainer as much as the boy: every time Ollie takes a shot at Kris, it’s Herbie who takes the bullet.

Laphen’s tirade went on, “... Is it any wonder your mother turned out to be such a dead loss when she wuz reared by a woman the tabloids dubbed ‘The Worst Mother in Hollywood’?! Stupid bloody Danish cow. No, sorry, that’s an insult to cattle –- they nurture their calves -- they don’t let them play beside unsupervised swimming pools. Shoes, now. She knows about shoes. Beyond that, she has the IQ of a dog turd.”

Kris came straight back and trilled, “Grandma? Grandma is so-oo happy these days. She’s busy with her charities, she’s in love with a younger man who thinks the world of her and, you-know-what?” he turned and winked at Herbie, “he never beats-on-her, or locks her in her room, or throws her clothes out of the window...”

“I wish I’d thrown her out of the window,” grumbled Laphen.

“Didn't you throw No.3 out of a window?”

“That was No.4. And it wasn't a window, it was a moving car.”

“I stand corrected.”

“Funnily enough, so does she.”

Malky yawned noisily. Herbie continued to stare into the middle distance.

“... So, your mother is still sober is she?” Laphen asked, feigning concern.

“Oh yes, you’ll be simply thrilled to learn your darling little Annelise is straight ‘n sober and of sound mind – she’s been running a woman’s shelter in the Valley for a couple of years now. We’re all very proud of her. She told me to pass on her regards...” he looked up as if trying to remember, “No, wait - her exact words were: ‘tell that vile old goat to hurry-up and die!’”

Malky had to stifle a laugh.

Laphen bristled, “Aye, well, you can tell that cheeky bitch she won’t get a brown penny from me when I do pop me clogs! I disinherited her when she was done for hooerin’! Anyway, sober or not – at heart she’ll always be a ditzy f**k up who bounces from one crisis to another with her knickers round her ankles!”

Herbie put down his cutlery, dabbed the corners of his mouth, cleared his throat and made sure they knew he was ready to step in. Malky gazed longingly at the decanter of brandy on the table, and for the first time in three years, entertained thoughts of jumping off the wagon and jumping into a refreshing pool of blissful oblivion... until Broo, intuitively aware of what Malky was thinking, let out a little growl to say knock it off!

Kris watched the old man pour another glass and asked in an earnest tone, “How many bottles have you had today, gramps?”

“F**k off,” grunted Laphen. “I’m very rich, very successful, I’ve worked very hard all my life and I’ve earned the right to do whatever-the-f**k-I-like.”

“Even if it kills you?” Kris replied; then after a split-second’s thought, he retracted, “Waitaminnit - open another bottle! Go on - drink up! I’ll get another case from the cellar!”

Laphen sipped his drink, sucked on his cheroot and snickered defiantly.

Suddenly, Kris turned to his right and asked in a haughty voice laced with suspicion, “Forgive me for asking, Mr Calvert, but what exactly is it you do?”

Broo snorted, Oh, this’ll be good. What do you do, Malcolm?

Malky didn’t have time to reply – Laphen was in like a shot, “I told you! He’s a plumber! He’s here to mend the boiler, OK?! Leave him alone.”

Kris winked at Malky, turned back to Laphen and said, “... and since when does the Mighty Oliver Laphen invite humble tradesmen - and their dogs - to join him for dinner? I mean, you make your lawyers eat in the kitchen with the staff -- so what gives?!” He turned back to Malky and spoke in his normal, friendly voice, “I don’t wish to cause offence to you or your dog, Mr Calvert, but when it comes to the hoi polloi -- and their pets -- my grandfather isn't known for his hospitality...?”

Again, before Malky could reply, Laphen sat forward, snapped his fingers repeatedly and took back the conversation, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Nevermind him -- tell me, boy -- who’s this backer ye’ve got? Who’s the eejit daft enough to invest their cash in yer silly wee horror picture?” He smiled smugly and winked at Malky as if to say – wait til you hear this!

Again, Malky was about to say something when Kris took the words right out of his mouth, ��Oh, stop acting like a total asshole, Ollie, you’re not funny.” And yet, despite this spirited response, Malky noticed the boy flinch when the movie was mentioned. And so had Laphen. He laughed, threw back his head, blew a smoke-ring into the air and let it drift above his head like a wispy-white halo, “Asshole or not, I didn’t get to sit in the big chair without bein’ thorough. So c’mon now, who’s your Generous Benefactor?”

Putting his elbows on the table and hunching his shoulders, Kris sipped his water, looked down at his empty plate and said “I’ll tell you when you’re sober.”

Alas, the old man was intent; he sat forward in his seat, put his elbows on the table, rested his chin on his hands and enquired in faux-earnest voice, “Och, c’mon laddie, If you want to film here you’ll have to tell me sometime.” He turned and informed his faithful retainer, “See Herbie, he wants my permission to bring a feckin film-crew through here! He wants me to let a bunch of arse-scratchin’ techies to tramp on my polished floors in their hobnail boots, stub their fags out on my Persian rugs and knock lumps outta my Queen Anne furniture with their equipment –- not to mention drivin’ their trucks and trailers all over my award-winning lawns!!”

Herbie continued to stare ahead.

Kris, sounding a wee bit stressed, assured him, “The crew will be very discreet and I will take personal responsibility for any...”

“So, who’s the backer?”

Kris looked him in the eye, “Are you going to let us to film here?”

“We’ll see. Depends who I’m dealing with,” said Laphen, taking a long drag on his cigar, looking very pleased with himself that he had Kris on the back foot. “So tell me, who is it?”

After a long pause and a drink of water, Kris answered in a weak voice, “Guy Gosling...”

“Guy Gosling?! The silly twat who pissed himself on live TV?!” Laphen cried, banging both fists on the table and bouncing on his cushion like a tickled imp, “You’re f**king shittin’ me!”

The boy’s voice cracked as he yelled back, “See – I knew how you’d react! You’re such a predictable old shit, Ollie!”

“He’s using’ you to revive his career! No wonder he agreed to it -- nobody with any sense will touch him!”

Kris was losing it now, his freckled cheeks aflame, “You don’t know what you’re talking about - he’s still got a lotta respect in Hollywood!”

It didn’t matter what he said, Laphen was on a roll, “Let me see now...” he sat back, tilted his head and made a show of caressing his brow, as if trawling his memory for the appropriate anecdote. “Aye - that’s right, I made a movie with him 7 or 8 years ago. Some god-awful-big-budget-science-fiction-bollox where I played an intergalactic priest who gives him the Last Rites in the final scene. I was just there to add a bit of gravitas – 3 million for half-a-day’s work, I think it was...?” he looked to Herbie for confirmation.

Still staring into space, Herbie perfunctorily supplied the information, “A million a day for free days. And a cut of the box-office. And a car. Can’t ‘member which one. Maserati, I fink.”

“Hear that? 3 million and a classic sports-car to add to my collection, all for 3 days work,” Laphen turned to Malky, “it was only supposed to be one day but it became 3 when Gosling kept us all hanging around while he meticulously explored all the various ways he might kick-the-bucket! He was ditherin’-on about death-throes and whether or not he should close his eyes... By day three I just wanted throttle him: ‘DIE YOU F**ER!! DIE!!’ Cuz he’s one of those Method Actors, ain't he? I hate Method Actors.” He turned to Kris, “especially Method Actors who get famous overnight and keep you waiting on-set for hours -- then -- when they finally haul their skinny arses outta their trailer, they proceed to tell the director how to do his job!” Laphen paused then resumed in a more sober tone, “Well, what goes around comes around. He ain't got a friend in the industry now, no matter what you’ve heard.”

“He’s learned from his mistakes!” yelled Kris, desperately, “He’s committed to the project! It’s been 2 years since the pissing incident! He deserves a second chance!”

“He wants a comeback vehicle!” Laphen cried.

“The publicity will be good for us – it’ll create a buzz!”

“Aye - like flies round shite!” Laphen cracked. “Lissen, the knives are out for ‘im! The press will stitch-ye-up whether the movie is good or not! You shoulda went with a total unknown ye stupid wee shite, at least ye would've had half-a-chance!”

Herbie was watching them intently now. Broo shrank back when he saw the aura around the boy surge and almost obscure him when he screamed “F**K YOU!” and banged his fist on the table.

It only made Laphen cackle louder.

At last, Herbie cleared his throat loudly and said, “Gentlemen, please.” That seemed to do the trick. They relented, backed down and grumbled into their drinks. There was a minute of silence until Kris once again turned his attention to their guest. Nodding toward Brooster sitting in the corner, he enquired, “Does your dog usually accompany you when you mend a boiler, Mr Calvert?”

Again, before Malky could answer, Laphen’s shit-eating grin disappeared, “I told you to leave him alone!” he snapped, “it’s none of yer business!”

“Did I miss a meeting?” Kris asked Herbie, “a plumber with a three-legged dog? Doesn't this seem kinda weird to you...?”

That’s it. Malky slammed down his cutlery, stood up and gave out, “Right! I’ve had enough o’ this shite – we’re outta here!”

Herbie reached out, “Wait Mr Calvert, please...”

But Malky was resolute, “Sorry Herbie, but this isn't on! When I agreed to come here I didn’t expect to have to listen quietly while this pissed-up oul’ fart abuses his grandkid!” He took the cheque from his back pocket and slapped it down on the table, “Ye can keep yer money, Mr Laphen! Enjoy what’s left of your life!”

“Sit down, Mr Calvert!” yelled Laphen.

Malky expressed himself by presenting his middle finger as he walked to the door, “C’mon Broo. We’re leavin’.”

“I’ll double your fee!” Laphen shouted, pointing at the cheque on the table.

Malky stopped and sniggered derisively, “You can’t buy me! This isn't worth the aggravation!” Shite. I hope Zindy’ll understand...

Befuddled, Kris’ head swivelled from side-to-side as he looked from one to the other, “Whaddya mean: ’You’ll double his fee’? What’s going on here? Plumbers are a dime a dozen... What is he, some kinda super-plumber...?”

“I AM NOTA F**KING PLUMBER!” yelled Malky, shaking his fists.

Suddenly, Brooster barked loudly: QUIET!!

The fracas abruptly ceased. The men turned to see the old dog growling in the corner, eyes glistening like sparkling orbs in the shadows.

“What’s the m-matter with ‘im?” Laphen stammered in a shaky voice, as he looked up into the darkness. “Does h-he s-see s-somethin’...?”

Malky put a finger to his lips, “Shhh! He hears somethin’.”

“What the hell is going on here, people?!” shouted Kris.

“Shut up and lissen!” Laphen hissed.

Ears pricked, eyes wide, paying no attention to the rest of the room, Broo hobbled around in a circle looking upward, straining to hear. The voices were confused and shrill, like children arguing... only this time they weren’t in his head; the sounds were audible, not telepathic.

“Hear that?!” whispered Malky.

Herbie heard it too, “It sounds like kids... kids shrieking...?”

Kris cocked an ear for a moment, then murmured, “Hey... yeah!”

Laphen stared at the ceiling, “It-it’s comin’ from the room above... The t-Trophy Room...” he croaked, the rim of his glass clicking against his dentures.

Herbie took out his walkie-talkie and summoned security.

...

... at that very moment (18:50 EST), approximately 3400 miles away, at a gas station on the outskirts of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: What is that smell? Emil’s eyes were stinging and streaming.

A youthful voice called-out, “Sir! Hey - whoa! Excuse me – sir – c’mon, man, what’re you doin’?”

Then, in a moment of clarity, his senses emerged from the murky darkness of his trance. He froze. Where am I? His head remained steady as his eyes swivelled left and right. It was daylight. He looked around: pumps, bags of charcoal, bundles of sticks, Pepsi machine..? A gas station?! A teenage clerk in an Exxon overall was approaching on his left, waving his hands emphatically, “Hey, hey, hey, man -- stop squeezin’ the trigger, man, puh-lease - you’re creating a super-crazy-dangerous situation here, dude...”

“Wha --” Emil’s eyes looked down.

Christ, you gotta be f**king kidding me...

He was still dressed in his bedtime attire; still going through the motions at the behest of an interior puppeteer – but, more terrifyingly – the Volvo’s tank was so full the gasoline was splashing-out over his sandals, forming a large puddle around his feet. The clerk made a grab for the pump gun, “Sir – gimme that, puh-leeeese!”

Emil felt the thing within him surge and take control again -- his hand relaxed and relinquished the grip on the trigger as his outer-voice said, “Sorry. Needed to fill ‘er up, kid... Got lost in my thoughts for a minute...”

The young clerk (now at his wit’s end) tiptoed over the puddle of petrol, took the gun back on the pump and whinged, “You gotta be more careful, mister! I’ll have to wash-it-all-down now! Jeez-us H... this is, like, totally bogus, dude! I mean it’s f**king Sunday -– it’s supposed to be the day of rest...”

Just then -- Emil felt the power ebb again – for some reason the puppeteer’s grip slackened -- he concentrated with every fibre of his being -- his hands shot up, grabbed the boy by the collar and pinned him to the side of the car, his real voice yelling haltingly into the boy’s face: “WHERE... AM... I?!”

Now scared out of his wits, the hapless clerk couldn't supply a coherent reply, “Hey man, easy -- ch-chill...don’t lose it, yeah?!”

Emil tightened his grip and almost screamed in the boys face, “Listen, kid – report me! Call the cops! I’m sick! I’m dangerous! They need to stop me before I go too far...!”

Alas, the words were no sooner out of his mouth when the fleeting bout of sentience ebbed and that goddawful taste filled his mouth. His hands let go of the clerk’s collar, stood back, dusted him down and said in a calm, clear voice, “Just kidding.” He reached into his dressing-gown pocket and took out his buckskin wallet, “Do you take American Express...?”

...

Meanwhile, back in Pagham House: There was a crackling sound: “*What’s your position Herb, over.*”

Herbie whispered into the walkie-talkie, “... we’re on the landing in the west wing - the intruder-stroke-intruders are in the Trophy Room; repeat, intruder-stroke-intruders are in the 1st floor Trophy Room, over.”

“*Copy. On our way. Over.*”

But Herbie didn’t want to wait. He slowly opened the door and turned on the lights. There were a series of rapid flashes as the ‘Trophy Room’ was lit to reveal yet another museum exhibit, this time devoted to the numerous awards, honorary doctorates and keys to the city Laphen had accrued over the years. The man himself crept across the threshold brandishing a baseball bat, “If there’s somebody there – I swear I’ll feckin kill ye! I’ll take yer feckin’ head off, I will! C’mon out!” Herbie took him by the shoulders and told him to keep back.

The squeaky voices continued to gabble and shriek; due to the room’s natural echo, it was hard to tell where they were coming from. Malky was intrigued, but unafraid; judging by the old dog’s subdued reaction, he knew that it was nothing to worry about. Behind them, Kris continued to express his confusion, “Somebody please tell me what’s going on...?”

Brooster left them standing at the door and made for a large glass case containing various silver statuettes in the far corner. He barked twice. Herbie and Malky approached to find what turned out to be an upturned fire-bucket; the screeches were coming from inside.“What the hell...?” said Herbie. He bent down and lifted the bucket – the voices instantly got louder. Malky looked over the big chauffeur’s shoulder and saw a cassette recorder lying face-down on the floor. “It’s a bloody tape!” Herbie exclaimed, angrily, “We've been ‘ad!”

Laphen, still shaking with fear, still brandishing the baseball bat, joined them and gaped at the offending object, “What the...” Herbie picked it up and pressed the stop button. The room fell deathly silent for a few seconds, and then the old man gasped, “Who would...” He stopped when he heard laughter behind him. They turned to see Kris, back against the doorjamb, clutching his sides in a fit of the giggles, “You should see your face, Gramps!”

Laphen was agape, “You... you set this up...?”

“... You were so spooked!!” sniggered Kris.

They heard boots on the stairs; Herbie heaved a loud, world-weary-sigh and raised the walkie-talkie to his lips, “Stand-down, stand-down, false alarm, repeat, false alarm! Over.” The communication was punctuated by a collective groan of disappointment from the hall.

Kris was wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, “I GOTCHA! Ah gotcha you goo-ood!”

The Quare Geg failed to see the funny side: “Y’ wee BASTARD!!” Laphen lashed out at Kris, swung the bat and missed – Herbie grabbed the waistband of his shorts, pulled him backward -- then, just like a slapstick gag from one of his movies -- Ollie spun like a dervish on the stretched elastic, his little-bare-legs kicking-out until one of his flip-flops flew off and toppled an ornate vase -- the baseball bat hitting a display case and shattering the glass. “Lemme at him! I’LL F**KING’ KILL ‘IM! JUST YOU W --”

He suddenly seized up, the bat fell from his hands and clattered on the parquet; he fell back into Herbie’s arms, his eyes popping out of his head, the air escaping his lungs like a slowly deflating balloon.

Kris chuckled, “Awww, c’mon gramps, you can do way better than that...”

Malky went to help; Herbie’s face was a picture of helpless-consternation, “’E can’t breeve! I think ‘e might be ‘avin’ an ‘eart-attack!!” They took him to an antique chaise-lounge beside a huge Native American totem pole on the other side of the room. “He’s hyperventilating! Get a paper bag!” cried Malky.

“He’s faking, dudes!” said Kris, exasperated, no longer laughing.

Without saying anything, Herbie pushed him out of the way and ran out of the room. Kris shouted after him, “He’s faking, Uncle Herb?!! He’s acting!”

Unconcerned, Broo sauntered over to the corner and had a lie down. Oh, a minute ago you were all for strangling him – now you want to save his life. Human beings, I don’t know...

Malky used the first-aid he learned during his time in the police, “Easy, Ollie, take it easy... take deep, deep breaths and fill your lungs, hold for a count of 5, then exhale slowly through yer nose...” Laphen’s eyes were wet and fearful, he was shaking like a leaf, but he tried his best to do what was asked of him.

Broo yawned: He’ll live: the heartbeat is strong for a man of his years, no murmurs. He’ll live.

Herbie arrived back with a plastic carrier bag, “Will this do?!”

Malky took the bag from him, twisted the neck to create a makeshift mask and put it over the old man’s nose and mouth, “This’ll make it easier – breathe-out into the bag, then breathe in...” his ministrations appeared to be having the desired effect; Laphen’s pulse was slowing, the colour was returning to his cheeks. Kris stopped pacing and grabbed Herbie’s arm, “See, he’s gonna be fine - he’s just tryin’ to get me back...!” Herbie took the boy by the shoulders and gave him a shake, “Kris, I ‘aven’t time fer no bollocks - this is fer real! Make y’self useful -– go to ‘is stahdy 'n call the doctor!”

“Rossington...” the old man hissed.

Herbie knelt and looked at him with a doubtful frown, “Surely you want yer physician, boss?”

Laphen glared and growled, “I want Rossington!”

Herbie looked up at Kris, “’E wants Rossington. There’s a button for ‘im on the phone on ‘is desk.”

“Rossington...?” Kris complained loudly, with a sour face. Herbie gave him a serious look and he reluctantly obeyed. As soon as he left the room, Laphen smiled, closed his eyes and passed out. Malky checked his pulse one last time and took the bag away. “He’s sleeping it off. It’ll be OK to move him. Is he on any medication for asthma or any other respiratory illnesses?”

“’E ain't asthmatic or nuthin’. Dr Rossington gives ‘im these ‘vitamin’ shots that perk ‘im up.”

“Why? What does Rossington specialise in?” asked Malky, as if he didn’t know.

“’E’s the boss’ shrink, ‘as been for years. ‘Aven’t you ‘eard of ‘im?”

Malky and Brooster knew exactly who Rossington was and what he did.

It’s a small world, isn't it...

2 days ago, 100 miles north in The Ivy House, Downpatrick:

Roused from his meditation by the roar of a revving engine, Jamie Jameson Lumb, the young master of the house and the new leader of the coven, arrived at the Oriel window at the end of the main landing just in time to glimpse a motorbike zoom down the drive on its way to the main gate. The rider was dressed in leathers and a black helmet, a sight that sent shiver down Jamie’s spine; even if the rider was a lot shorter than Barry McKee, it was still a discomfiting reminder of the events of 2 years before. Who the hell was that? Nobody was allowed in-or-out of the estate since McKee’s capture 2 years ago, but as far as Jamie was concerned, the danger hadn't passed. McKee had been in a coma for the past couple of years, but it was cold comfort: he could die at any moment and the demon would migrate to another host. Then there was the release of dark energy in Kildare following the exhumation of an ancient mage -- probably an ancient ‘Güül who dabbled in the dark arts -- and in spite of the fact that the local witches had declared the area reasonably safe, Jamie still sensed that the danger hadn't passed. Maybe it was the responsibility of his position; maybe being holed-up in the house for so long without any contact with the outside world had made him paranoid. Whatever the reason the rules had been broken, and there was only one person who could've invited the biker in: “Goz, you arsehole,” he muttered.

After searching most of the house, he eventually bumped into Fordham the footman who’d taken up the butling duties now that Oggy had gone down for a Big sleep. Fordham was carrying a Martini on a silver tray, “I suppose that’s for our guest?” Jamie asked. Fordham nodded and rolled his eyes, “he’s in the pool, sir.” Jamie took the tray from him, “Don’t worry, I’ll see he gets it.”

Guy ‘Goz’ Gosling was floating naked on a lilo in the indoor pool, reading a loosely bound sheaf of papers that looked suspiciously like a script. “Who was that?” Jamie called out, as he walked along the edge of the pool, his voice echoing around the tiles.

Goz answered matter-of-factly, without looking up from page, “A guy I met in LA, if you must know. A director. He wants me to star in a little horror film he’s making here in Ireland,” he said, cool as a cucumber, slowly turning in the water.

“Oh Yeah? And how did he get in?” asked Jamie, carelessly putting the tray down on the poolside table, irritated by his former band-mate’s blasé attitude and patronising tone. It was what he’d come to expect. Goz had been restless for some time, but up to now he’d been willing to live under the rules of the extended lockdown. “Nobody can come in unless you clear it with me or Oggy. I’m surprised that security opened the gate,” said Jamie, bristling.

“I told them he was an old friend. I told them I was expecting him,” said Goz, unaffected.

Jamie nodded knowingly, “You told them you’d cleared it with me, didn’t you?” he sneered.

“Well, I thought you were studying in the library or meditating in your room or something and I didn’t want to disturb you,” said Goz, blithely, still perusing the pages.

“For all you know he could be working for one of our enemies!” Jamie snapped, sounding a wee bit shrill.

“Don’t be so melodramatic, JJ,” chuckled Goz, talking as if consoling a difficult child, “I met him at a screening of a documentary he made a few years ago. I was very impressed. both by him and the film. He was only 21, full of vitality and enthusiasm. I told him to keep in touch, ‘maybe we might work together some day’. I didn’t get any bad vibes, not at all. He’s a like little red-headed puppy: eager to please.” He flipped another page and said, “Remember, I’ve been at this game a lot longer than you, JJ. I can spot a wrong-un a mile away.” This was Goz’s signature tune: he was never done reminding Jamie that except for his pedigree and nascent superior powers, he was still a novice.

Jamie ignored the comment and moved on, “What’s his name?”

Goz let out a heavy sigh, “Kris Katz. Believe it or not, he’s the grandson of that drunken old coot Oliver Laphen... the miserable little bastard... I made a movie with him a few years ago... f**king nightmare... Anyway, Kris called me from LA and told me he’d be in Ireland scouting for locations and if I was interested he’d deliver the script by hand...” Goz turned a page, “... and after perusing it, I’ve decided to take him up on the offer. I’ve even agreed to put some money behind it. A small independent movie is just the ticket to restart my acting career. I can’t afford to turn it down.”

“You know nothing about him. He could be in cahoots with the tabloids,” said Jamie crossing his arms and shaking his head, “worse -- he could've been sent here by the Washington coven to case the place and see what we’re up to!”

Goz finally looked up from the script and laughed, “Look, he’s harmless! And it’s not as if I’m leaving the country -- we’ll be making the movie here!”

Jamie shook his head, “Oggy needs to know about this. You’ll have to wait until he wakes and discuss it with him.”

Getting a little more animated, Goz splashed the water with his fist and shook his head emphatically, “Look -- Oggy is hibernating, he won’t wake for at least another year and we start shooting in the summer! And I’m not a f**king prisoner, remember?! I’ve stayed here voluntarily! But enough time has passed -- 2 years to be exact, and that’s a long time in show business. It’s been a great place to hide from the world until the outrage over that... situation -- a situation that you caused by-the-way -- died down. But I’m not hiding anymore.” He sighed, relaxed and went back to the script, “I’m doing this whether you -- or Oggy -- like it or not.”

“We’ll see...” Jamie muttered under his breath, and walked away.

...

2 days later at Pagham House: “... See, I saw a tabloid story about gramp’s suspected ‘poltergeist’ at the airport, so I thought I’d have a little fun with it,” Kris explained as they crossed the landing, “we used to do it all the time, y’know, tryin’ to out-punk each other; each stunt more vicious than the last, but we always made-it-up afterwards. I didn’t think he’d get in such a state...” He paused when they heard a distant buzzing sound outside, “Uh-huh, here comes the ‘good doctor’,” muttered Kris, gloomily. They walked to a porthole-shaped oriel window at the end of the landing and watched twin beams slice through the low lying clouds. The buzzing became a rumble as the doctor’s chopper hovered for a moment before descending and disappearing behind a row of billowing pines; a few seconds later, a slim, middle-aged man dressed in cricket-whites carrying a tastefully weathered Gladstone bag, ran along the path that bordered the tennis courts, across the car park and sprinted up the marble steps at the front of the house; a few seconds later he bounded up the stairs toward them – all without breaking his stride, breaking a sweat, or gasping for breath. He held out a hand, Malky straightened up and reached out to shake it, but much to his embarrassment, Rossington blanked him and went straight to Kris, “Kristof! What a pleasant surprise! Long-time-no-see-and-all-that!”

The tanned, manicured hand hung in the air, unshaken. Kris, desperately trying to express his disdain but too polite to be rude, hesitated before managing a feeble tug on his nemesis’ fingers. Rossington grasped the flaccid appendage and jerked it up-and-down with gusto, “Over for a little visit, eh? Having fun, are we?”

The boy looked at his hand as if it’d been spat on and said nothing.

“I hear you’ve literally been up to your old tricks again!” said the good doctor, tutting thrice and shaking his head.

Malky had seen the good doctor on TV, but never in the flesh. Nevertheless, he didn’t like what he’d seen, and after meeting the man in the flesh hadn't changed his opinion; what you saw was you got: the man was too smooth to be true. That’s an oddly non-specific ‘posh’ English accent, thought Malky: Cary Grant with a dash of Ray Milland; and although the tone was upbeat and cordial, each bon mot was primed with a jagged shard of spite. “You might look 15, my dear, but you’re a 22 year old adult now.”

“23.” Kris grunted.

“23! Even more reason to find a nice girl, settle down and do something worthwhile... You don’t want to end up like your mother, now, do you...?” He’d been stealing glances at Malky until he couldn't contain his curiosity a moment longer; he turned away from Kris and asked, “Sorry, but do I know you? You look vaguely familiar...?”

Malky was about to reply when Rossington cut-him-off, “NO–NO–NO, don’t tell me!!” he cried, putting a hand his brow and snapping his fingers as he scoured his memory, “I never forget a face -- I’ve written books on how not to forget a face! Now, where have I seen you before...?”

Herbie opened Laphen’s door and hissed, “Shhh!”

Rossington backed-up toward the door, staring at Malky’s face and racking his brains... “I know you... I do know you...” Before entering the room, he stopped trying to remember and whispered to Kris, “Oh, if I don’t see you later - give my regards to your mother, won’t you? It’s so gratifying to know she’s finally found her niche at long last.”

Crimson cheeked, bright blue-eyes narrowed to livid slits, the boy clenched his fists and muttered a litany of barely audible obscenities as the door closed. Malky was careful not to laugh: that’s the same expression the young Ollie Laffin used to pull after James Finlayson tanned his backside: hurt and angry, but ultimately sad. What happened to that wee guy?

The boy took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice down, “...as you can probably tell, I cannot stand Rossington. He’s like... anathema to me. He’s like Kris-kryptonite in Gucci, dude!” What followed sounded like he’d researched his subject with a detective’s eye for detail. “He’s the self-proclaimed ‘Shrink to the Stars!’ - You mighta seen him on TV. He heads-up an institute for psychos... umm... what’s it called...? ”

“SCICI,” said Malky, “St Cedric’s Institute for the Criminally Insane.”

Kris nodded emphatically, “Yeah, that’s right! It’s like puttin’ a cobra in charge of a nest of vipers!”

The door opened. Herbie looked out, scowled and shook his head. Kris lowered his voice to a whisper, “The truth is he’s Jimmy Ross from New Jersey, a former male-model and wannabe actor who went to night school, got a degree in psychiatry and reinvented himself as the suave, debonair Dr James Rossington we know and loathe today.”

The pair retired to a pair of Queen Anne armchairs in an arched recess adjacent to Laphen’s bedroom door. Broo kept well back and listened from a distance. “In the summer of ‘70 when I was like 2 years old, my mom – Annelise Katz, née Laphen – scored some smack from a dude in downtown LA and left me strapped in a car-seat outside a motel in the middle of a heatwave – I was almost poached, dudes – by some miracle somebody saw me and called the cops and they broke in. They went up to the motel-room and found mom had OD-ed – her third in as many years. My dad was serving year-2 of a 15-year prison sentence for fraud, Grandma was outta town and outta her mind on booze ‘n’ ‘ludes, so they called Gramps who went totally postal and flew back from Rome to sort things out. He was desperate to get mom help, for my sake as much as hers, so he put the word around that he’d do anything to get her straight. Someone gave him Rossington’s card. See, Jimmy’d devised a method of reprogramming drug addicts with an uncompromisingly tough regime: torture and mind control, basically – but with some New Age horseshit thrown in to make it look progressive. The literature was all this, like, flowery bullshit about ‘rebirth’ etc, but the kids were treated like laboratory rats -- two guys died and a girl committed suicide, that’s not taking into account the mental scars of those who actually made it through.” Kris sighed, “Anyway, he promised gramps he would have mom detoxed and straightened-out within 6 months, so Ollie cut him a cheque.”

“And did Rossington’s treatment work?” asked Malky.

“Oh yeah. 6 months later, just as promised, there’s Annelise Katz, clean and sober, made-over, looking hale and healthy and weeping to Barbara Walters about her drugs hell and her ‘resurrection’, hailing Gentleman Jim as her Personal Saviour! She relapsed 18 months later, mind you, but it was good while it lasted.”

“Where was Ollie when all this wuz goin’ on?”

The boy became melancholy, his tone heavy with ennui, “He was on a world tour with his one-man-show for most of it, but he’d given up on mom when she relapsed. Rossington told him she was incurable and the only course of action was left open to him was to cut all her finances and hopefully the desolation would drive her to do something about it herself. It did. It drove her to prostitution. So gramps washed his hands of her – I was all that mattered now. He got temporary custody of me.

“Anyhow, in the 80s Rossington’s rich and famous, but he yearns for something money can’t buy: a Serious Reputation. See, Jimmy wants Nobel Prizes not Daytime Emmys! He wants to be fêted by The Elite – i.e. the very people who call him a charlatan and a con man. He was a bit of a joke, so when gramps moved here permanently in ‘82, Jimmy tagged along, all-the-while plotting his next move. He met up with an old colleague who worked at St Cedric’s mental hospital in Dublin which specialised in cases involving extreme cases of aberrant behaviour and violence. Jimmy saw an opportunity: he wanted to turn St Cedric’s into an institute specialising in the psychology of the criminally insane -- a hi-tech facility where patients would be analysed by a team of crack academics from all over the world with the research going towards ‘a better understanding of psychopathic behaviour’ -- and sell a lot of books. so gramps called-in a few favours and made it happen. Jimmy’s all set! Unfortunately, the location sucks – Ireland -- a country known for its blood thirsty violence is, relatively speaking, serial-killer-free, so he has to import his cases from abroad. Do you know there are serial killers, rapists, child molesters, cannibals from all over the world passing through that place?”

“Aye, I’ve heard all about all about it,” said Malky, “In fact, didn’t your mate Gosling check-in there after that ‘incident’?”

“Yeah, like I said, ‘Shrink to the Stars’...” Then he took a deep breath, looked down and shamefacedly admitted, “Look... I know who you are, Mr Calvert. I know what you’ve been through ‘n I know what you do, but I was so intent on getting one over on the old man, I held back. I’m sorry. It’s like we met under false pretences and I wanna clear the air.”

“Uh-huh,” grunted Malky, grumpily. He was beginning to like the boy and now he felt slightly betrayed. Because if he lied so easily, who knows what he was capable of? Malky looked the boy in the eye and asked, “I have to ask you this, Kris: do you have anything to do with what’s been goin’ on in this house?”

Kris put up his hands and vehemently protested his innocence, “Hey now -- the first time I knew anything about this business was a coupla days ago when I saw that report in The Enquirer!!”

“... I mean, you make horror movies,” Malky asserted, “ye’ve got access to allsortsa props and special effects ‘n that. For all I know you ‘n Herbie -– maybe even Rossington -– could be in cahoots to put poor ol’ Oliver round the twist!”

Good God, I was wondering when you’d say that... Broo grumbled.

Just then, the door to Laphen’s room opened and Herbie emerged to give them the latest, “’is vitals is lookin’ good, blahd presha’s OK, no permanent damage, thank gawd...” Herbie clipped the boy around the ear, “You wuz lacky this time, boy! I ‘ope you take this as a lesson! No mowah practical jokes!”

...

Precisely 3 minutes ago (18:47 EST), approximately 3200 miles away, in a roadside ditch on the outskirts of Harrisburg, PA: Emil eyes slowly opened and he found himself staring into a silvery mosaic of inert smithereens. It didn’t take him long to realise he was gazing into a smashed windscreen. I’m still in the Volvo. But his head was squashed against the compressed ceiling -- the car was upside down! He tried to move -- that’s when a blazing pain ran through his entire body. If he could catch his breath he’d scream.

He heard crackling radios and excitable male voices: “Hey! He moved! He’s alive!” “Hey! Guys! He’s alive!” “He’s alive?” “For real? Shit!”

Then an older voice shouted, “We can’t wait for the ambulance!! There’s full tank of gasoline leakin’ into the grass! We gotta move him now!” Emil moved his eyes to the right and saw a fresh faced young fireman kneeling on the long grass, ear close to the ground, helmet off, talking through the upside-down passenger-side window, “I can see you’s in a lotta pain, sir, but we have a very volatile situation here... so keep still, don’t try to move, OK? I’ll be right back!”

Oh, I’ll keep still, kid... cos if I as much as blink it’ll hurt like hell, and I’d rather die than feel that pain again, so please, please don’t move me...

The excruciating pain seemed to radiate from below his waist -- his legs were splayed and trapped between the steering-wheel and the driver’s seat, his torso was between the seats, in a very awkward and painful position. His left arm was trapped beneath him, his right jammed under the buckled steering column. Oh God, the pain... bring back the darkness... bring back the numbness... Then he felt a hand under his armpit, another groping under him looking for the other other armpit, another took hold of his ankles... the pain was unbearable. An older man’s voice purred close to his ear, “Easy... easy there, sir, I got you...”

No! If you try to pull me out I’ll come apart like scarecrow... the pain, the pain... I’m begging you...

The soothing voice in his ear implored him, “Brace you-self, suh, we gonna do our best to get ya outta there as quick as possible...”

An impatient voice yapped, “C’mon, let’s go, guys, let’s do dis ‘n get the hell outta here!”

Emil felt arms around his midriff. Oh no. Oh God no...

Christ...

“I got ‘im! You got ‘im?”

Kill

“I got ‘im.”

“OK. After 3, swing ‘im out.”

now!!

“One... Two... and Three -”

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

He was hauled from behind and twisted from below – then his body began to move backwards – something was stopping him: “the handbrake is stuck up his ass– we gotta lift him offa it!” The humiliation, the pain, the utter helplessness.... Somehow they repositioned him and hoisted him up again -- his left hip nudging-in the cigarette lighter – again the pain flared to an unbearable degree as he began to move backwards through the passenger-side window – simultaneously, he heard the tibia in his left leg make a crunching sound as it was unceremoniously yanked from under the steering-wheel... the pain became unbearable... then, at last, the shock kicked in... the pain became cold insensibility... he was being put onto a stretcher; he saw faces looking down, fuzzy unfocussed faces... a few seconds later he heard the young fireman’s voice call out, “Hey, his papers are all over the inside of the car... his passport – everything!!” Emil heard one of the men carrying him yell, “DONNY – get the f**k outta there now!!”

That’s when the cigarette-lighter popped on the dash.

There was a huge fireball – Emil and his rescuers were thrown clear, but the young fireman wasn't so lucky. Emil’s rescuers abandoned him on the bank and went to the aid of their fallen comrade lying on the smouldering gorse, fully conscious, screaming, his body ablaze...

Then Emil got that familiar feeling of dread infest his bones, that familiar, bitter taste in his mouth, that acrid stench in his nostrils.... Somewhere in his head a little girl’s voice -- presumably the voice of his interior puppeteer -- spoke huffily: <Well, you’re damaged goods now, Emil – you’re no use to me at all. You’re gonna be confined to bed for a long time. I just hope every second of every day is as painful as this,> Emil screamed as a shock of pain tore through his pelvis. He began to lose consciousness, but managed a defiant smile before a much different, more welcoming, darkness descended.

While Herbie waited for Rossington to finish, Kris volunteered to act as tour-guide and escort Brooster and Malky around the East Wing, the only area of the house they hadn't visited yet. “It’s the creepiest part! And it’s just gone midnight, dudes - this’ll be a gas!”

Broo whimpered, yippee, we get to listen to this idiot for the next 3 hours...

Before they embarked on their quest, Herbie had to fetch the keys from the safe in the study. As he handed them over, he had a ‘little word in Kris’ ‘shell-like’. There was a lot of finger wagging from the big man and a lot of shy nods from Kris. Despite his card being marked, their guide returned as ebullient as ever, “We’ll take the scenic route through the hidden passageway to the old chapel! It’s really cool!”

“Hidden passageway?” asked Malky, intrigued.

“Oh yeah – the old Duke and his disciples had to prepare for every eventuality! The place is riddled with ‘em!”

Kris chittered incessantly about the salacious activities of the 8th Duke of Roxborough -- the same story Malky heard from Herbie -- as he led them through the shadowy hallways of the East Wing. Eventually, “Here we are!” he announced brightly. He opened a hidden door in the panelling of a long, narrow corridor, revealing a dark passage way. He stooped, made an ugly face and raised the candelabra, “Abandon hope all ye who enter here... ” he said in a croaky voice “Follow me... if ye dare!” Malky, stooped and squeezed through the little hatch. Kris noticed the old dog dragging his feet, “C’mon Broostie,” he trilled, slapping his thigh and beckoning him hither.

If he calls me Broostie again, I’ll sink my teeth into his testes and hang on until he passes out, aura or no aura.

Almost crawling, they made their way along the low ceilinged tunnel for a hundred yards or so until they arrived at another door. “Here it is!” Kris whispered, turning a key in the lock. They squeezed through and found themselves on a small balcony overlooking what appeared to be the interior of a Christian church. Kris held the candelabra high above his head and led the way down a cast-iron spiral staircase, “Nowadays this is referred to as the chapel cos it looks like a chapel -- but it ain't no chapel -- no siree!”

Malky readily descended the wrought-iron steps, but Broo held back and observed from above. Kris wasn't talking now, he was leaning on a marble pillar in the nave, watching Malky look around with a big soppy grin on his face, like a hider watching a seeker get warm then cold, then warm...warmer...

Malky had been admiring what he assumed was uniform religious statuary in the alcoves, when it suddenly struck him that the busts and figurines were somewhat less than holy, “this-here is Pagan stuff made to look Christian,” he cried, “It’s all fawns, demons ‘n naked nymphs!!”

Kris was elated, “Right! Keep looking, dude!”

Malky borrowed the candelabra and held it aloft so that it illuminated the stone carvings atop the marble pillars; at first glance it looked like your standard host of cherubim and seraphim, however, closer inspection revealed it to be a representation of a horde of little winged sprites and faeries; the painted altarpiece wasn't a depiction of the Immaculate Conception, but an intricate painting of a strange naked Lady-of-the-lake type emerging from a swamp carrying the body of a dead child; the figure depicted in the stained glass window above the narthex wasn't Jehovah in his heavenly kingdom, rather a white-bearded, horned & tailed, cloven-hoofed Satan reclining on a throne made of human skulls.

“I wasn't expecting this at all...?” muttered Malky, fascinated and unsettled. He looked up at the old dog watching from above and wondered if he sensed anything untoward, but by the looks of him there was still no cause for alarm.

Kris looked left and right and lowered his voice, “Erm, to be frank, the film I’m making is based on the true story of Roxborough’s life. I’ve had to change the names and locations, but it’s loosely based on actual events, most of which I’ve hadda tone-down to get an R certificate! I have to be discrete, y’know, The Roxborough family are still a big noise in English society and they don’t like to be reminded of their lurid family history. They’d sue the ass-off-me if they thought I was exploiting the legend.”

They went through another door at the rear of the ‘chapel’ and entered a corridor lined by a row of white doors; Kris unlocked them one by one, “These were Thaddeus’ ‘private’ rooms’ where he indulged in his little perversions. But by the time gramps bought the house, the Roxboroughs had removed anything ‘incriminating’,” he said, looking a little disappointed. “Gramps stores his antiques in here now, y’know, stuff he’s bought on the spur of the moment, or gifts he’s received from different countries over the last 70 years: lots of ugly vases, objets-d’art ‘n shit that’re too big to have in the house.” The ‘White Rooms’ were now crammed with shrouded lumps of varying shapes and sizes. Broo kept back and waited until Malky and Kris moved onto the next door before inspecting the last. He sniffed around and checked under the sheets, but the evil deeds alleged to have been perpetrated here had left no trace; each room was the same: devoid of any spiritual presence or echoes of the past.

Just as Kris locked up and made to turn back, Malky noticed a wooden staircase up ahead, “Where does that lead to?” he asked.

Kris frowned, “Oh, the old infirmary.” He made a face, “Haven’t you seen it yet? The front door is on the outside of the house.”

“It was locked and Herbie didn’t have the key,” Malky replied, wondering why the boy seemed so uncomfortable.

Reluctantly climbing the stairs, Jamie filled them in on the infirmary’s history, “It was converted during Victorian times.The 10th Duke was wounded in some African war and set it up so he and his officer pals could convalesce in the luxury he was accustomed to. Nowadays, the villagers use it as a sick bay. They don’t believe in modern medicine for the most part, but when one of them gets really sick or injured they’ll bring them here and call a proper doctor.” He stopped at the little door and shivered, “Dude, I hate hospitals to the point of nausea. I don’t really wanna go in there unless it’s absolutely necessary. “

Broo looked at Malky. This time Malky didn’t need telepathy to guess what the old dog was thinking. “Aye, we’d really like to have a look. Would you mind?”

Kris sighed, produced the key and reluctantly unlocked the door. When it opened and a poof of fusty air escaped, he recoiled and held his nose, “yeeesh – I hate that smell, dudes...”

It was just as Malky had pictured it: a large, bare room with a dozen cots, six either side; the top of the room was dominated by two ancient cast-iron radiators under the shuttered windows; the pipes along the wall behind the beds were green with corrosion. There was a treatment room at the back stocked with basic medical supplies, the high shelves lined with large, empty specimen jars. Broo smelled formaldehyde and wondered what was once kept in those jars. But creepy jars aside, as far as Broo was concerned, like everywhere else, it was psychically barren.

“Anything?” asked Kris, looking from Malky to the old dog.

“Nope. If there was, he wouldn't be long in lettin’ us know.”

Kris was very impressed, if a little disappointed, “Oh, that’s good, I suppose... hey, what’s he doing now?” He’d noticed Broo pawing a door to the side of the last bed on the left.

I hear something -- and this time it’s not a tape recorder! My fur is standing on end! Open the bloody door!

“It’s the door of the bathroom,” said Kris, as he tried various keys in the lock. Once he’d found the right one, he turned the handle but the door wouldn't budge. “Gimme a hand, will ya, the wood must be swollen and sealed it shut.” Malky obliged and they pushed until the door let out a loud groan and swung inwards. Broo crept in and looked around. It felt quite damp compared to the rest of the secret rooms, which would explain the swollen door.

For some reason, he was drawn to a full-length cheval mirror adjacent to the bath. As he hobbled towards it, he saw that the image therein was something other than his own approaching reflection. In fact there was no reflection at all, it was more like looking into a long, tall, oval fish tank filled with murky water thick with web-like weeds, the strands of which formed a net; a net filled with the inert bodies of small children, like snagged marionettes in the cloudy depths of a stagnant pool...

At that very moment an antiquated bar of soap that’d been sitting on the edge of a shelf above the bath fell into the empty tub with a loud THUD! “What the hell was that?!” cried Kris, turning on the light – blinding brightness – the old dog reeled! He turned and barked loudly! “Oh Shit! Sorry!” Kris instinctively tugged the string and made it dark again. Of course, when Broo turned back, the image had vanished. He found himself looking into his own bewildered eyes twinkling in the dusty, smutty glass.

“Well, whatever it was, it’s gone now,” said Malky.

“What do you think he saw?” asked Kris, rattled.

“Dunno,” said Malky, turning the light back on, “is there anythin’ special about this mirror? It looks a bit out of place, a bit grand for a hospital bathroom?”

“I have no idea... I’m never in here,” said Kris, looking genuinely confounded.

“... it looks as old as the house,” said Malky, examining the frame.

Shivering and shuffling his feet, Kris was getting impatient, “Erm... if that’s it, dudes, I’d really like to get the hell outta here...”

As they made their way back to the West Wing, they were distracted by the sound of chopping-rotors and twin beams shining through the huge, stained-glass windows as the doctor’s helicopter took off. They heard the front door close, the jingle of keys and then the steel-tipped heels of Herbie’s Oxford-brogues clicking as they crossed the main hall into the lobby. As the lights receded and the rotors buzzed-off into the distance, Kris thought for a moment and then said, “Y’know... there was something that happened when I was last here... but I’m not sure if it’s relevant.”

Now he tells us...

Malky shrugged, “Well, we’re at a loss, so anythin’ you can tell us would be better than chasin’ round this place like headless chickens.”

“I’d like to show you something,” said Kris, enigmatically, “but we’ll have to go to the old pavilion to see it.”

“Alright lads?” Herbie called, standing in the shadows of the lobby looking up, “The old man’s OK, fanks-be to you, Mr Calvert - it wuz a panic attack an’ you did all the right fings.”

“Oh, thank f**k,” said Kris, sighing with relief.

As they descended the staircase, Malky asked Herbie about the mirror in the infirmary bathroom. “The ahsekeeper, Mrs Sparkes, ‘ad it moved there coupla years ago,” he said, in a doubtful tone, “she was in the boss’ study late one night ‘n she said she seen a little lad watchin’ ‘er in that mirror. Screamed the house dahn. Scanlon ‘ad to give ‘er a slap to shut-her-up.”

In spite of the big chauffeur’s doubts, Broo was sure this information was significant -- it sounded eerily similar to what he’d just experienced -- but for now, he could nothing but keep it to himself and see how things developed.

“Is the power on in the pavilion?” Kris asked Herbie.

Herbie tutted, “Ach, c’mon Kris, my son, no matter what the old man says we don’t expectcha to sleep aht there tonight!”

“No,” Kris chuckled, “I wanna use the screening room to show Mr Calvert some video I shot last time I was here...”

They took a leisurely stroll through the grounds to the pavilion and Malky pretended to listen as Kris nattered away about film making. Broo continued to lag behind, too debilitated by the boy’s aura to take in his surroundings.The misty halo had become murkier the further they got from the house. Broo had to move back another 6 feet to keep out of range. When Kris asked about the old dog keeping his distance, Malky told him he was just slow: “past it” he said. Broo responded with a sharp bark. Bloody cheek. It was quite a mild night, there was no breeze, the moon was bright enough to illuminate the darker corners, but the complete silence was unnatural and unsettling. Even Kris commented on it: “... listen, you could hear a pin drop out here. It’s eerie, isn't it? Complete silence. Not even the hoot of an owl or a breeze to rustle the trees.” A moment later, as they made their way down to the walkway that ran alongside the croquet lawn, they heard the clump of boots coming in the opposite direction. It turned out to be Charlie Noble, the incumbent head of security, who informed them he’d just unlocked the pavilion and switched on the power. He asked after Laphen’s health and as Kris gave him the latest, Malky gave him the once-over. He was a stocky man of medium height with dreadful skin that made his face look like a bag of lumpy pastry. He had a northern accent – Antrim Town, to be exact -- and like Herbie, he was ex-army.

“I hear you had a bit of trouble on Friday night?” said Malky.

Charlie looked to the boy for guidance; Kris nodded, “It’s OK, he’s got Herbie’s permission.”

“You mean the night the big clock got pushed over? ‘A bit of trouble’ is about right, aye,” said Charlie, spinning a large key-ring on his index-finger like a six-shooter. “The boss was in a right state. He hit the panic button ‘n I raced up here as fast as I could -– but when I got to the door -- the swipe-card wouldnae work and the friggin’ master key wouldnae turn in the lock! I hadda climb in through a winda -- when I found ‘im he was under the stairs shakin’ like a leaf! ‘Poltergeist!’ says he, pointing at the big grandfather clock lyin’ in the hall! It’d fallen off the wall! A big thing like that! I wuz flummoxed.”

“What do you think of this fella Scanlon?” asked Malky, still suspicious that this might’ve been an inside job; i.e. a disgruntled ex-employee with access to the house, maybe.

“Scanlon...?” thrown by the question, Noble bowed his head, scratched it and said, “Well, Scanlon was one of me best mates – ex-RAF, all-round good egg, so-he-was...” Then, suddenly aware that he was in the presence of the boss’ grandson, changed his tone, giving the impression that he’d revised his opinion, “Then again... he was a like law onto himself, had the run of the place, thought he was indispensable. Took things for granted. He worked here long before Mr Laphen bought the place, see. But... stealing from the boss ‘n that. Big shock that was...” Looking uncomfortable in his skin, he looked at Kris with an expression that said ‘can I go now?’ They let him get back to his rounds and continued on their way.

Once Noble was out of earshot, “See?” whispered Kris, “nobody believes Scanlon is guilty.”

“Hmmm, that maybe,” said Malky, doubtfully,”but he’s still the prime suspect.”

After passing through another archway and following a well-lit path lined with neatly trimmed shrubbery, they eventually came upon a white building set back behind a little copse approximately 200 yards from the house. From the outside, it looked more like a large clapboard house than a sports pavilion. Malky asked why all the windows were blocked-off. “To keep out the light. Gramps had it converted into a little cinema so he could screen movies,” said Kris, unlocking the door. “He got prints of all his old comedy shorts and he shows them to visitors.” He turned on the lights, “Wait til you see inside, it’s a feast for the eyes!”

They emerged from the vestibule and stepped into art-deco-heaven. It was just like a miniature version of the Picture-Palaces built during The Depression era that Malky had visited as a child: welcoming, sumptuous and tastefully plush. Emerald green deep-pile carpets, and huge, signed prints of silent movie stars’ publicity pictures lining the walls (Louise Brooks, Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford, Chaplin, Keaton and, of course, the man himself – technically not a silent star - but whose comic oeuvre owed so much the pioneering comedians of that era), furnished with armchairs a pair of white leather Hoffman Kubus sofas facing each other in a b/w 20s-style cocktail bar/café. After a quick tour, Kris took them through a projection-booth into a back-room filled with various pieces of complicated-looking electronic apparatus connected by sheaves of multicoloured cables; the lower back wall was lined with racks of film canisters of varying shapes and sizes. Kris took a cassette from a rack of video tapes, brought it into the booth and pushed it into the player. “Gramps always made his own home-movies, so when video became popular he bought all of this state-of-the-art equipment – he has to have all the latest gizmos.”

While Kris worked in the projection booth, Malky went to the theatre and made himself comfortable. Brooster slunk under a chair in the far corner (15 feet away, but still within sight of the screen) and tried to stay awake.

“It’s a tape of the exhumation of the mummies,” Kris shouted from the projection booth, “I was in Dublin when it happened, so I drove back ASAP and fetched the video camera to shoot some footage.” The screen lit up and a bright blizzard of static flickered on Malky’s face; a few seconds later an image suddenly appeared. It was a shaky film of a woodland scene, presumably the woodland surrounding the bog; a few seconds later Kris’ recorded voice sounded in the theatre’s speakers:

“It’s Thursday July 20th 19-and-89, I’m at my grandfather’s house in Ireland in the marshlands on the outskirts of the estate, and I’m on my way to film a very significant ‘n strange event -- probably historic --”

What followed was a kind of home movie taken a day after the discovery of the mummies, accompanied by a typically breathless running commentary from Kris. It showed lots of people milling around the swamp; forensics people, gards, villagers and the press, had gathered to watch the bodies being removed. “I was staying here while Ollie ‘n Herb were in Japan,” Kris explained, talking over his voice-over as he joined Malky in the theatre, “I was writing the script at the time and I went to Dublin to do research when I heard about it. I was so hyped I hadda hightail back here to film it.”

When it came to close-ups of the experts, Malky recognised a few of the faces from news reports, but one in particular was more familiar than the others, “That’s Paddy Gilray, he’s a top forensics guy from Dublin. Big Phil Somerville 'n him are good friends. Dunno who the guy with ‘im is, though.”

“Emil something. I tried to talk to him afterwards, but he told me to f**k off,” said Kris, looking a wee bit hurt. “Somebody told me he’s another forensics guy from Canada. He flies over every summer and they do these archaeological digs.”

Just then, the voice-over took a strange turn; the commentary broke off mid-sentence and the sound of Kris vomiting filled the room; the film suddenly stopped and Kris pointed at the blank screen, “When they moved the bodies there was this unholy stink like nothin’ I ever smelled before -- that’s why I threw up! I hadda stop filming and get the hell outta there!” He made a sour face, “It wasn't swamp gas – cuz I’ve smelled swamp gas – it was more like this thick, sickening miasma that made it hard to breathe, Ugggh!” he said, grimacing, “And it wasn't just me! Look, everybody is retching or puking -- even some the guys wearing surgical masks!” He used a remote to rewind the tape and freeze-framed a wide shot of the bog. He indicated a coterie of Bogmire residents standing on the opposite side, “Now look at the villagers -- they’re are fine with it, like they’re used to it. And that’s not all,,.” He sat forward, lowered his voice and spoke in a sombre tone, “There was, like, this strange kinda purple mist hanging over everything. You could see it as plain as day -- in fact most people commented on it -- but it doesn’t show up on the tape. And I checked the camera -- it’s not technical fault.” Kris shook his head, “Anyway, I couldn't get the stench out of my nostrils or the taste outta my mouth. It got into my clothes -- I dumped them as soon as I got back to the house -- but I could smell it for days after. In fact, I smelled it until I left...” He turned to Malky, “I swear to God, I smelled it when I walked into the house today. 2 years later and it’s still there. That’s 24 months and several gallons of Sparky’s wood-polish and gramps’ cigars -- and it’s still there!”

Malky shook his head, “I didn’t smell anythin’.”

“That’s what’s so weird, I’m the only one who does,” said Jamie, looking genuinely perplexed.

Broo knew the smell the boy as talking about. It was that faint, acrid odour he smelled during their little stop in the village, but it wasn't pronounced enough to give him much cause for concern, now he wasn't so sure. How could a natural smell hang in the air for so long without dissipating?

And what of the vision of the children in the bathroom mirror? Children drowned in a stagnant pool: the bog? Is it something to do with the little girl found in the ancient one’s arms? Is she now a ghost reaching out to him via the Mirror World?

So many questions...

...

The night before, in the Ivy House Library: under the light of a reading lamp, Jamie sat at a desk and scanned the attendance log of his grandfather’s long-since defunct ‘naughty-hellfire’ type club, an association that allowed renowned dignitaries and celebrities to indulge their wildest, wickedest sexual fantasies in complete anonymity. Working on a hunch, he was looking for one name in particular in the thick, yellowing pages, and although all entries were in code, his grandfather had kept a separate log to record the members real names; all Jamie had to do was find the name the to fit the code. After an hour of searching and deciphering, his finger eventually alighted on the moniker he’d been looking for:

“Oliver Laphen.”

According to the log, Laphen’s last attendance was in June 1968. Jamie wondered if it was an amicable parting of the ways, or was he kicked out? If his reputation for hell-raising was an issue, expulsion was a distinct possibility. And if he was ex-communicated, did he hold a grudge? Jamie went to the sliding steps and rolled to the central bookcase; he climbed to the top rung and took a row of three glued-together, hollowed-out tomes from the top shelf, revealing a safe concealed in the wall behind. He turned the dial on the combination lock using the numbers written on the back of his hand, opened it and removed a heavy ledger.

It contained highly compromising information of every member of the club, probably in order to blackmail any black-balled ex-members tempted to spill the beans to the authorities or the press. Predictably, Laphen had an abundance of black marks against his name, everything from securities fraud to wife beating. Then, to Jamie’s surprise, he discovered that his grandfather had added a heavily underlined note pertaining to Laphen’s purchase of Pagham House: ‘Witches -- Observe!’ it screamed from the page. The Judge was clearly expressing his alarm and wanted the Witches of Kildare to keep an eye on things. And now we know why.

Oggy talked about Pagham House before he went down for his sleep. He said it’s a mansion built to the exact specifications of the Ivy House by the Duke of Roxborough: a wannabe wizard with no psychic abilities whatsoever, who tried to create magic using standard methods: sex and human sacrifice. It was also home to the swamp where the mummy of an ancient mage was discovered 2 years ago. And now Laphen’s grandson turns up and offers Goz -- the only one of us who could be tempted to break ranks -- a part in a film he’s shooting in Ireland? It was all too much of a coincidence.

He slammed the book shut, crossed his arms and sat back. Shite. This could be the first major crisis he’s faced since taking up the mantle of Master, and there was no Ogden Castle around to guide him...

...

After screening a few of Ollie’s old ‘Laffin Boy!’ shorts to lighten the mood, Malky and Kris sat in the little cinema’s cocktail bar/café and made use of the fully functioning, antique coffee machine. They took a sofa each, sprawled-out on the white leather and talked about Film Noir for the next hour or so. When the conversation moved on to personal matters, Kris chatted openly about his relationship with “Jolly Ollie!” It wasn't bitchy in the least, for the most part he spoke in glowing terms. Nevertheless, he was still bewildered and exasperated by what he called, ‘The Purge’.”

“Whatever his reasons, I predict old Ollie will be battling a few ‘unfair dismissal’ law-suits over the next coupla years,” Malky opined .

“Any potential litigants will have to go to the end of the queue,” said Kris, “gramp’s life has been one long lawsuit, and he’s got the best lawyers money can buy.” He nimbly flipped over the back of the sofa and trotted over to the counter for a refill. Malky had to shout to be heard above the loud gurgle of a sputtering nozzle, “I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone like him in my life! If I wuz you, I’d stay well away!”

“Everybody else does keep away, I’m the only one of the family that bothers,” he said, coming back to the sofa and flopping down, “I think our little spats are a sorta communication on a deep level. Like, I can’t explain it, but it kinda opens things up –- things you can’t talk about ‘man-to-man’ can come out in one of our shouting-matches.” Kris sat up, raised his mug at the life-size picture of the man himself in his heyday hanging behind the bar, and said, “No matter what he’s done, he’s still a genius. He’s a hard act to follow. All I can do is learn from his mistakes.” Kris smiled at the youthful, dimpled face, “When I look at him now I know I’m looking at myself in 60 years time, cos that’s probably what I’ll look like if I live that long. But I won’t end my days like him, alone in a mansion miles away from his family, abandoned by his estranged kids. My grandfather is nothing if not a walking cautionary tale.”

Malky was very impressed by this young man. His mother is a drug-addict, his father is a crooked businessman, his grandfather is an arrogant arsehole, and yet, he’s a realistic, intelligent, talented, well-rounded good kid. He raised his mug to salute his new best friend, “I hope my chile grows up to be as bright and as thoughtful as you are, son.”

“You’re gonna to be a father?!” Kris asked, excitedly.

“8 weeks from yesterday,” said Malky, smiling, but sounding a wee bit daunted.

Kris jumped to his feet and vigorously shook Malky’s hand. “That’s awesome! Congratulations, dude!”

“I never thought of the future til I heard the words, ‘I’m late’," joked Malky. He took a moment to think, then asked, “So, what do you think’s goin’ on in Pagham House, Kris?”

Kris answered straightaway as if he was expecting the question: “I have absolutely no idea. I mean, that grandfather clock -- besides the fact that I wasn't here at the time, there’s no way I could've pushed that over, let alone a scrawny old guy like Ollie. You’d need a tractor to move it!”

Malky shrugged and sighed, “Well, that’s us. There’s nuthin’ more we can do. As far as we’re concerned, the house is uncontaminated by evil spirits. I’ll just have to tell Ollie we've come up empty. If I was him, I’d leave it to the police.”

Kris looked at the old dog sitting in the corner and asked, “U-huh, I wonder what Broo makes of it all?”

“I dunno,” Malky answered, sleepily, looking over his shoulder, “like I said before, if there was anythin’ ‘supernatural’ he’d’ve let us know by now...”

But Broo didn’t know how to communicate what he was seeing. Because when the pair sat together, the boy’s aura, more opaque than ever, spread to envelope Malky. When the boy went to the coffee bar to get a refill, part of it stayed with Malky. They were both shrouded in that swirling mist that psychically shut Broo out and rendered him physically weak...

Oh God, I hope this doesn’t last. I hope it disappears once we leave this woe-begotten place...

...

Two hours later, sitting in the bar of Odin’s Inn in Brodir, the ghost of Sammy O'Donnell, the inn’s deceased barman, was sitting in the darkened bar listening to the distant sound of waves crashing on the rocks. He was very bored. Thank God the old dog’s back tomorrow, at least I’d somebody to talk to, he thought to himself. We could be watchin’ TV right now... his thoughts were interrupted by a far cry: <Samuel... Samuel... Samuel O'Donnell...>

“What’s that?” Sammy said aloud, though nobody could hear him, “well, up til now.”

<Samuel... Samuel...> a little voice cried in his head. He wasn't imagining it. It’s a thought, he thought, like the way the old dog talks me.

<Samuel... Samuel... Samuel O'Donnell...> It seemed to be a child’s voice calling his name...“Samuel O'Donnell...” He went to one of the windows and looked out. <Samuel... Samuel... Samuel O'Donnell... Samuel O'Donnell...>

Beyond the concourse, across the main road, standing atop the old sea wall, he saw the sparkling spectre of a small child. It was hard to tell if it was a boy or a girl, the clinging white dress could just as well be a nightshirt; the hair was wet and hung around its face and shoulders like seaweed: the ghost of a wee drowner, no doubt.

<Wave if you can hear me!> the little ghost yelled.

Sammy raised his hand and waved a feeble wave.

<I’ve been sent by the Powers That Be to warn you!>

“Warn me?” said Sammy, perturbed.

<Aye. From tomorrow forth your haunt will become infected!> cried the little spectre, <You’ll haveta get yerself to The In-Between until the danger passes!>

Even though he’d never heard the phrase ‘The In-Between’ before, Sammy could guess what it meant: “Limbo?! Why? I bloody hate Limbo!! It’s full of martyrs 'n murderers 'n all kinds of religious headcases!”

Talking quickly, as if he there was a time limit on his manifestation, the little spectre informed him: <You've no choice! The innkeeper is set to return from an infected place -- he’ll bring the darkness back with him! It’s a Soul-eating disease, no spirit is safe, not even us ghosts – so it’s in your best interests to bide-awhile in the In-Between until the danger passes and the house is pronounced safe.>

<But what is it...!> Sammy had so many questions, but the little spectre had begun to fade. He watched helplessly as the sparkle dimmed to a glow, then a glimmer. “NO! Wait, don’t go...!” he cried out, but the ghost had gone.

He sat down again and mulled over the message: innkeeper? They must mean Malky. But what does ‘bringing The Darkness back with him’ mean? For the first time since he died, Sammy O'Donnell was scared. If there was something wicked coming – something so dangerous that it’s fatal to Immortal Souls – how could he be sure it wouldn't pose a risk to The Living?

And what about an unborn baby?!

He couldn't – he wouldn't abandon Zindy!

To Be Continued...

#witch craft #Witchcraft #irish literature #fantasy #Ghost #Hollywood #hooray for hollywood #Mystery #poltergeist #magic #black magic #irish humour #demon

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simminghippie · 8 years ago

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Better Than This

Ep. 2: Dream it over Upon seeing where they will live for the first 3-4 months of her pregnancy. Cassandra seems uneasy while Beck is optimistic. There conversation replays in Cassandra’s head. *walks in* Ca: it’s a cottage B: It's…..COZY CA: Its small! B: Babe let’s make the most of it…Pretend it’s like it’s goldilocks and the three bears without the bears. Ca: Not funny! But I’ll try. B: Okay! I don’t know about you but I’m tried. Ca: not too far behind you just give me a few minutes. Oh? Beck! B: Yeah? Ca: Call Lo tomorrow she wanted to talk to you. B: I will *goes to bed* *pose* Ca: *thinking* How can I raise a baby when I’m still growing up myself! *replays beck and her conversation (bold word are prominent in her thoughts. bold and underlined word echo)* Ca: Beck I’m pregnant. B: you sure it’s mine. Ca: Winston and I broke up. over 6 months ago. I haven’t been with anyone else. B: Wow I’m going to be a dad but I’m still am going to need a DNA test Ca: But I’m not keeping the baby B: why not you were going to keep Boston’s. Ca: Boston is older and financially stable B: he’s employed by your parents he doesn’t have really have his own. I tell you what you abort that fetus we’re done. Ca: Are you serious B: I’m dead ass Ca: beck you just got your own business bring in child is risky plus were only teenagers B: but why would you want to abort my kid when I’ve loved you since we were kids Ca: Really? Why me? B: Why not you. You’re the first girl I’ve dated that didn’t see dollar signs but that’s because we’re in the same elite circle. But beyond that you’re the first girl I ever took to watch Star Wars me Ca: yeah your pretty obsessed with that franchise. B: you’re the first and last person I want to see and talk to everyday. To be honest everything I do is because of you. But more importantly you’re the one I’ve always dreamed of spending my life and starting a family with. Maybe it is selfish but if you keep this baby and we don’t work there will always be this piece of you that I love. Ca: Maybe some sleep will help me clear my head and figure this out. *goes to bed* Meanwhile in San Myshuno Logan River starts digging for information from Boston about his relationship with Cassandra. Lo: You okay? B: I’ll be okay but something’s wrong with Cass. Lo: How can you tell B: I’ve known her since she was 10. That’s when Mom Dukes became her live-in nanny. And don’t forget we did date for 3 years. Lo: How old were you when y'all started dating cause her parents definitely did not approve. Bo: let’s see I was 17 and she was either 15 or about to be 15. I can’t remember if we started talking before or after her birthday. But the whole 3 years we was on and off. Why you asking so many questions about her. Lo: I’m just making conversation Bo: Well I don’t want to talk about her. Just tell me about that spa appointment for tomorrow. Lo: It’s just me she said we can have a spa day some other time. Bo: That doesn’t strike you as odd. She basically live in the spa, nail and hair salon. Not to mention her shopping addiction. That weekly stipend from her parents does absolutely nothing. Lo: How much is it Bo: $5,000 Minus the 3500 for rent Then we probably 500 to1000 at expensive ass market she likes Her hair is 150 About 60 for her nails And the rest is for shopping and that’s not enough. When we were dating I would give her money from my paycheck. Lo: why? Bo: That’s what I do when I get in a relationship. I take care of what I love. You get every other paycheck. Lo: really Bo: yeah $2500 That’s more than what most people I know make. Lo: That’s I think we should go out tonight Bo: What club Lo: Your pick! Bo: Love the sound of that! Over in Newcrest AnnaBeth and Cory talk about Cassandra’s situation. Co: Babes you have to stop stressing about this and take a mental health day. A.B: How can I! I feel like I failed her as a sister. Co: How? A.B: She has two months before school starts. It’s her senior year. You know your last year to spend doing dumb childish shit. Then there inauguration, homecoming, PROM! Things no girl wants to go to pregnant. Co: She’ll be okay. A.B: I’m sure of it Co: Me to but I meant to tell you i seen your best friend yesterday. A.B: Really? Co: Yeah she was with um….the celebrity best friends… um…. Dakota Forley &….. A.B: Tex Baker Co: Yeah how you know! A.B: I use to date Tex before I met you. Co: No need to explain. A.B: Okay…sot how do you feel about a double date for Valentine’s Day. Co: With Cass and Beck? Or Aiyanna and whoever she’s dating? A.B: Class and Beck so she can dress the way she likes before starts to show and can’t do shit or dress the way she like. Co: I’m with it. A.B: I’ll call her tomorrow and let her know Co: Sounds likes plan. I have few that I want to try out now. A.B: As long as we keep it down this time I don’t need the twins waking up. Co: I wasn’t the one moaning extra loud, now was I? A.B: It’s hard to contain myself with that thing you do. Co: Drives you up a wall every time. A.B: Not ashamed to admit it. But let’s see what you have in mind for tonight. *sex poses* *Sleep poses* Back to Logan River and Boston at karaoke bar Lo: Do karaoke with me please? Bo: Not tonight. K.D: I’ll sing with you! Lo: Dad? Dad! K.D: Hey baby girl! Why are you out this late and who is this? Lo: When are you coming home? K.D: Logan! I’m not playing who is this? Bo: Names Boston nice to meet you sir. Lo: He’s my boyfriend not that you would know or care. K.D: Let’s go sing and talk about this afterwards. Lo: Fine! *Does Karaoke with her dad* Bo: babe you were so good! *pose holding her in the air* Lo: Thanks *kiss* K.D: Aye son slow all dat down and bet not be out here fucking my daughter. *chokehold pose Lo: Bo stop! Bo: Sorry babe, but who I don’t give a fuck if this pops or not. If he can’t take time oout f his day to spend an 1 hr or 2 with you then fuck him! K.D: I got something for you bitch. Just remember that’s my daughter and I will protect her from your bitch ass by any means necessary. Bo: What’s that suppose to mean K.D: Keep your eyes open baby boy! Lo: Dad! Stop it! Just accept the fact that he didn’t want to be with me! Bo: Who? Lo: Beck Bo: Your best friend && your other best friends boyfriend. K.D: Best friend? Lo: Yeah mom said that some guys you have to show them that you care as a friends and watch it blossom into a beautiful or chaotic relationship. Why are you pushing for me to be with him. K.D:You want me home right? Lo: Yeah! K.D: This is the way! Security guard: Y’all gotta go Bo: Fine by me I’m sick of how his punk ass is talking to you anyways babe . Lo: Bye Dad KD: Sleep with one eye open young Boston *goes home*goes to bed* [End of Ep. 2]

#the westbury brooklands family #the krammer family #the dean bosewell family #the sims 4 #TS4 #ts4 gameplay #Better Than This

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katrinratto · 6 years ago

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10 Best Cities in the United States for Startups and Entrepreneurs (2018)

Silicon Valley has dominated the U.S. startup ecosystem for many decades.

Despite repeated efforts, only a few cities outside the Valley (New York and Boston) have historically had the critical mix of VC funding, network, and talent to fuel vibrant startup centers. Best startup city rankings have reflected this truth for a long time.

But this is becoming less true today, as more and more entrepreneurs find their way across the U.S.

There are now many metro areas with growing infrastructure and increasingly skilled workforces that can support tech startups.

Increasingly, these metro areas are regularly appearing in rankings of the best cities in the United States for startups and entrepreneurs.

The good news is that these new metro centers are significantly less expensive than Silicon Valley or the East Coast.

Let’s take a look at some of the best U.S. cities (outside of Silicon Valley and the East Coast), to build your startup.

Austin, TX

The Texas capital recently was named the #1 place in America to start a business by CNBC.

According to the 2016 Kauffman Growth Entrepreneurship Index, Austin grew its startups faster than every city except Washington, D.C., with their startups growing by 81.2 percent. That’s exceptional startup growth that other cities will find tough to match.

In large part due to the University of Texas at Austin and other universities’ influence, Austin is known for having an educated workforce.

Austin has become quite a hotspot. Employers and people interested in growth industries are drawn to the youthful, smart energy that flourishes there.

William Hurley, the co-founder of Honest Dollar, an Austin-based provider of retirement plans to small businesses, says creative talent is abundant:

It’s got the music, the university scene, the hippies and the rule-breakers…. It’s very easy to hire people who want to push the limits. It’s an incredibly innovative city.

Austin also stands out for its affordability. Many small-business owners, who often pay taxes at the individual level, appreciate the fact the state has no personal income tax. The state also has a corporate tax rate of zero. Combined, these factors point to available money for business owners to invest in their ventures.

The overall culture in Austin is renowned for its supportiveness of the small business community. The celebration for its unique culture and flourishing business community is very appealing, and many new startups are flocking to the city to embrace it as their own.

Boulder, CO

Boulder may be known for its eccentric, diverse population, but that reputation belies its true nature as an entrepreneurial powerhouse.

In 2015 Nerdwallet.com chose it as one of the best places to start a business, as well as the #1 city for female entrepreneurs, and for good reason: It’s an affluent urban center and was ranked as one of the top 20 most productive metro areas in terms of GDP. It’s no wonder so many entrepreneurs launch their startup in Boulder.

A number of high profile companies call Boulder home, including herbal tea leader Celestial Seasoning, Ball Aerospace, and respected startup accelerator TechStars.

Boulder’s entrepreneurial system is bolstered by a number of local venture capital firms, including Foundry Group.

With its concentrated mix of start-ups, established businesses, and venture capital, Boulder has all of the elements to fuel sustainable economic growth. Foundry Group’s founder Brad Feld noted:

Entrepreneurs here use a ‘give before you get’ mentality. We are willing to help anyone without an expectation of what we are going to get back in the short term. This creates a powerful long-term dynamic.

Boulder is an entrepreneurial force of nature. In 2010, the city had six times more high-tech startups per capita than the nation’s average. Its dynamic culture encourages Boulder’s prosperous economy, draws people in (especially millennials), and provides them with excellent motivation to stay.

Miami, FL

Don’t let the sand, sun, and tourism of the South Beach distract you from Miami’s reputation as a great place for new businesses. The Kauffman Index recently named Miami the second most entrepreneurial city in the U.S., with the country’s highest startup density, 247.6 startups per 100,000 people.

The city isn’t just the home of new businesses. Large companies like Google, Twitter, Facebook, and Apple have offices there, as well as 139 companies on the Inc. 5000 list of fastest-growing private companies.

Miami’s close ties with Latin America has bolstered its appeal. Laura González-Estéfani, Director of Partnerships & Mobile LatAm for Facebook, says:

There is talent, there is support from the institutions and private initiatives that are focused on boosting innovation, and there is an incremental interest from VCs and business angels for innovative projects.

Brian Brackeen, CEO of Miami-based Kairos also found Miami hard to resist:

We were searching things like AngelList, GitHub, different state web sites, then we took all that data and Miami was at the very top of the list in every important category…Cheapest for our employees, and the best tax situation for the company and our workers.

A diverse, skilled population, robust entrepreneurial environment, and an invaluable bridge to Latin America: The “Magic City” may be just that for entrepreneurs seeking a thriving, business-friendly place to set up shop.

Los Angeles, CA

Los Angeles is known for sun, stars, and surf, and now you can add startups to the list.

The city is renowned as a center for tech entrepreneurship. In addition to being the third largest startup hub in the U.S. (behind Silicon Valley and New York), the city of flowers and sunshine boasts one of the largest concentrations of engineering graduates in the country.

LA has also increasingly attracted more and more venture capital investment and investors.

All of these things aside, one of its biggest attractions may be what is not: Silicon Valley.

This was one of the reasons entrepreneur Justin Yoshimura (founder of the start-up 500friends) found his way there:

Compared to San Francisco in particular, it’s very cheap. Santa Monica is one of the most desirable neighborhoods in L.A. and I have a yard with a pool and a beautiful home for less than what I would pay for an equivalent-sized condo in San Francisco.

The city isn’t lacking for high-profile companies, either, with Snapchat, SpaceX, VR trailblazer Oculus, and League of Legends creator Riot Games calling Los Angeles home. Whether they’re here because of the diversity, the mild weather, and the relaxed atmosphere, the city’s energy fuels and sustains a community of entrepreneurs.

Entrepreneur Adam Pokornicky found the city’s community inspiring:

I’m seeing a consistent pattern of optimism, curiosity, and community, That kind of energy and like-mindedness is a breath of fresh air and super motivating.

Psyop founder Todd Mueller agreed, drawing attention to the city’s mix and diversity of talent:

Venice itself represents this sort of oddball collection of people representing different backgrounds and worldviews, but they share an openness and a curiosity that, when you harness it for a common cause like building a startup, is very powerful.

San Francisco, CA

The days of San Francisco being famous for trolley cars, Rice-A-Roni, and serving as a refuge for artists and bohemians are long over.

For better or worse, the city and the Bay Area are now synonymous with entrepreneurship and innovative high-tech thought leadership.

The concentration of startups, especially tech startups in the city by the bay is dizzying. You can find Twitter next to Square and Uber, and Dropbox, Pinterest, and Zynga within blocks of each other.

The whole city feels like a self-perpetuating machine, where venture capital draws in startups, which pulls in more venture capital, and so on. If the tourist tours of start-ups are any indication, the area’s nickname as the “Hollywood of Technology” is wholly appropriate.

It makes a lot of sense for companies and entrepreneurs to want to be here. In addition to the availability of funding and startup resources, the huge numbers of skilled workers and prestigious schools that help to educate them are unparalleled.

Musician Paul Kantner once said that San Francisco was “49 square miles surrounded by reality.” That may be true when it comes to the opportunities for startups and entrepreneurs, but the reality of big money and big business’ strain on the city itself is everywhere. Housing and rent prices are at unbelievable levels, and the difficulties of such a high cost of living are real and growing, issues.

All of these things said, the benefits to entrepreneurs found in the city and Silicon Valley are many, and for some, the intensity of energy and innovation found here may be irresistible.

Provo, UT

Utah’s entrepreneur-friendly culture is well known, but even with that considered there is still something noteworthy going on in the Beehive State, especially in Provo. The amount raised in 2014 by companies based out of the Provo-Orem metropolitan area was staggering: around an average of 51.3 million dollars.

This, along with over 800 million dollars raised by Utah-based companies that year ranked Utah as the seventh highest in the country, an impressive achievement for a state with just three million people.

There are a lot of big companies based in Provo, too, which helps attract and retain people with desirable skills and experience. Novell has its corporate headquarters in the city, as do Qualtrics, BlueHost, and Jive Communications. Brigham Young University has renowned entrepreneurship programs and produces many graduates who start businesses of their own.

Provo also stands out as a great city for entrepreneurs and startups because it’s affordable. The cost of living in the city is a big attraction, with the median price of homes hovering around $220,000. Compared to the median price of homes in San Francisco (which as of June 2017 was over 1.5 million), the cost of living combined with the access to venture capital, and a skilled, motivated workforce makes Provo a compelling option.

Las Vegas, NV

Startup activity in Las Vegas is booming.

A recent study by the Kauffman Foundation found Las Vegas bounding onto the startup scene, countering the public perception that Vegas is entirely centered around gambling and resorts.

After the economy crashed in 2008, Las Vegas was pushed to reinvent itself in order to survive. With businesses clearing out of California because of its oppressive taxation, Las Vegas welcomed many of those entrepreneurs with open arms and appealing tax relief.

The city is now the host to many of the largest industry trade shows for tech and other industries. It also boasts plenty of investors with co-working spaces, as well as funding and mentoring programs to stimulate a business environment.

Tony Hsieh of Zappos appreciates the “endless possibilities” he has discovered in Nevada. Hsieh put $350 million into revitalizing Las Vegas to contribute toward it becoming “the co-learning and co-working capital of the world.” He began a venture fund in 2012, VTF Capital, which invests in other businesses interested in joining the Nevada scene.

Living in Nevada is significantly more cost-effective than most other places in the country. Las Vegas sets itself apart from startup cities like Boston and San Francisco by offering a much lower cost of living in a major city. This is extremely attractive for younger professionals interested in city living – and lets them afford to experience more than a closet-sized apartment filled with Cup-O-Noodles.

Denver, CO

Maybe there’s something about the majestic mountains in Denver, a symbolic challenge perpetually imagined in its rising peaks. According to the Kauffman report on entrepreneurship, Denver is ranked fifth for a US city with the most start-up activity.

As Denver continues to explode with startups and small business ventures, an increasing number of millennials are heading to the beautiful city. Denver is also one of the most educated cities in the US. 53 percent of the population holds a bachelor’s degree, and Colorado is ranked first as a relocation city for skilled workers ages 25 to 44.

Investment in transportation is another major player in Denver’s appeal. It has a new, multi-billion dollar rail system called FastTracks, which is continuing to expand. There is of course also the Denver International Airport, which is now the largest American airport by landmass – and it’s only half completed.

Gusto, the San Francisco based payroll startup, just opened its second office in Denver this month. Rachel Kim, a communications employee with the company, cites Denver’s close proximity and easy transport to the Bay Area as major reasons for Gusto branching out there. She also cites the spirited small business community is being a significant part of the city’s appeal.

Eric Remer, the founder of Denver-based startup PaySimple, said:

We have a really supportive startup environment, partially because we’re a relatively smaller community. The companies out here, they’re rooting for each other.

Between the striking beauty of the landscape, the easy access to major transportation, and the vibrant and educated community, Denver would make a great choice for anyone ready to set out on their startup journey.

Seattle, WA

Seattle is home to Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, and other well-known companies, but it has recently grown into a welcoming place for startups, entrepreneurs, and small business owners, too.

Seattle has been among the fastest-growing cities in the United States since 2010, and its population is expected to increase by an additional 200,000 over the next 20 years. A young, vibrant population, a booming tech industry and a run of interesting restaurants, unique shops and coffeehouses are among the reasons for the increase in start-up traffic in Seattle.

“Seattle historically is a place that attracts pioneers to come and do their own thing,” says Maud Daudon, CEO of the Seattle Metro Chamber of Commerce. Those pioneers are attracted to the eclectic, entrepreneurial spirit that the city breathes.

Seattle doesn’t offer major tax incentives for entrepreneurs, but it does have plenty of venture capital firms and economic development ventures to help foster the development of small businesses and start-up companies. Just as enticing as these are the incubators and business programs at the University of Washington and community colleges, where aspiring entrepreneurs can get their start.

Chicago, IL

As always, we’re excited about listing Chicago on our list of top cities for startups and entrepreneurs. And this status is well deserved. Chicago stands alone, not just in the Midwest but in the United States, among the “biggest and baddest of startup cities” when it comes to profitability, according to PitchBook. That’s only one reason venture capitalists love Chicago.

Chicago’s tech proficiency is becoming increasingly more recognized in the start-up scene. KPMG’s survey of more than 800 tech leaders found Chicago in the top 10 of tech innovation hubs worldwide. KPMG Chicago’s Mike Gervasio further cited the capital market and “an innovative culture” as partially responsible in Chicago’s impressive climb up the global ladder. That culture helped garner upwards of $1.7 billion in funding last year, and Chicago is host to a multitude of promising start-ups.

Startups in Chicago make good bets for those who invest in them. In Chicago, 45 percent of investments produced 10 times a return on investment. Chicago’s numbers are routinely superior, with 81 percent of its startups producing between three and 10 percent a yield on an initial investment. Now wonder VC’s love Chicago.

And as we have previously noted:

While startup resources in Chicago were scarce a decade ago, things have changed quite a bit. Chicago’s 1871, created in 2012 to support Chicago’s startup community, ranks 1st in the U.S. among North American Business Incubators and 4th in the world. 1871 is home to hundreds of early stage, high growth digital startups and offers tremendous resources and programming to entrepreneurs at all stages of their startup journey.

Sound good? We think so. Crowdspring couldn’t imagine home being anywhere else.

Here are some additional U.S. cities that you should keep in mind as some of the best cities for startups and entrepreneurs:

St. Louis, MO

Minneapolis, MN

San Jose, CA

San Diego, CA

Columbus, OH

Nashville, TN

Portland, OR

Pittsburgh, PA

Atlanta, GA

Indianapolis, IN

Houston, TX

Are you ready to launch your startup or take your existing one to the next level? Enlist crowdspring’s help! Our team of over 210,000 creatives is ready and waiting to handle your business’s package graphics, logo design, web design, and more – everything you need to build a great brand. And, our outstanding customer service team is available to guide you through the whole process. Get started now and request a free, no obligation design consultation with one of our design experts today.

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The world's 50 most powerful blogs

From Prince Harry in Afghanistan to Tom Cruise ranting about Scientology and footage from the Burmese uprising, blogging has never been bigger. It can help elect presidents and take down attorney generals while simultaneously celebrating the minutiae of our everyday obsessions. Here are the 50 best reasons to log on.

The following apology was published in the Observer's For the record column, Sunday March 16 2008 The article below said 'Psychodwarf' was Beppe Grillo's nickname for 'Mario Mastella, leader of the Popular-UDEUR centre-right party', but it's actually his nickname for Silvio Berlusconi. Mastella's first name is Clemente and Popular-UDEUR was part of Romano Prodi's centre-left coalition. And Peter Rojas, not Ryan Block, founded Engadget and co-founded Gizmodo. Apologies.

1. The Huffington Post

The history of political blogging might usefully be divided into the periods pre- and post-Huffington. Before the millionaire socialite Arianna Huffington decided to get in on the act, bloggers operated in a spirit of underdog solidarity. They hated the mainstream media - and the feeling was mutual. Bloggers saw themselves as gadflies, pricking the arrogance of established elites from their home computers, in their pyjamas, late into the night. So when, in 2005, Huffington decided to mobilise her fortune and media connections to create, from scratch, a flagship liberal blog she was roundly derided. Who, spluttered the original bloggerati, did she think she was? But the pyjama purists were confounded. Arianna's money talked just as loudly online as off, and the Huffington Post quickly became one of the most influential and popular journals on the web. It recruited professional columnists and celebrity bloggers. It hoovered up traffic. Its launch was a landmark moment in the evolution of the web because it showed that many of the old rules still applied to the new medium: a bit of marketing savvy and deep pockets could go just as far as geek credibility, and get there faster.

Read more To borrow the gold-rush simile beloved of web pioneers, Huffington's success made the first generation of bloggers look like two-bit prospectors panning for nuggets in shallow creeks before the big mining operations moved in. In the era pre-Huffington, big media companies ignored the web, or feared it; post-Huffington they started to treat it as just another marketplace, open to exploitation. Three years on, Rupert Murdoch owns MySpace, while newbie amateur bloggers have to gather traffic crumbs from under the table of the big-time publishers. Least likely to post 'I'm so over this story - check out the New York Times' huffingtonpost.com

2. Boing Boing

Lego reconstructions of pop videos and cakes baked in the shape of iPods are not generally considered relevant to serious political debate. But even the most earnest bloggers will often take time out of their busy schedule to pass on some titbit of mildly entertaining geek ephemera. No one has done more to promote pointless, yet strangely cool, time-wasting stuff on the net than the editors of Boing Boing (subtitle: A Directory of Wonderful Things). It launched in January 2000 and has had an immeasurable influence on the style and idiom of blogging. But hidden among the pictures of steam-powered CD players and Darth Vader tea towels there is a steely, ultra-liberal political agenda: championing the web as a global medium free of state and corporate control. Boing Boing chronicles cases where despotic regimes have silenced or imprisoned bloggers. It helped channel blogger scorn on to Yahoo and Google when they kowtowed to China's censors in order to win investment opportunities. It was instrumental in exposing the creeping erosion of civil liberties in the US under post-9/11 'Homeland Security' legislation. And it routinely ridicules attempts by the music and film industries to persecute small-time file sharers and bedroom pirates instead of getting their own web strategies in order. It does it all with gentle, irreverent charm, polluted only occasionally with gratuitous smut. Their dominance of the terrain where technology meets politics makes the Boing Boing crew geek aristocracy. Least likely to post 'Has anyone got a stamp?' boingboing.net

3. Techcrunch

Techcrunch began in 2005 as a blog about dotcom start-ups in Silicon Valley, but has quickly become one of the most influential news websites across the entire technology industry. Founder Michael Arrington had lived through the internet goldrush as a lawyer and entrepreneur before deciding that writing about new companies was more of an opportunity than starting them himself. His site is now ranked the third-most popular blog in the world by search engine Technorati, spawning a mini-empire of websites and conferences as a result. Business Week named Arrington one of the 25 most influential people on the web, and Techcrunch has even scored interviews with Barack Obama and John McCain. With a horde of hungry geeks and big money investors online, Techcrunch is the largest of a wave of technology-focused blog publishers to tap into the market - GigaOm, PaidContent and Mashable among them - but often proves more contentious than its rivals, thanks to Arrington's aggressive relationships with traditional media and his conflicts of interest as an investor himself. Least likely to post 'YouTube? It'll never catch on' techcrunch.com

4. Kottke

One of the early wave of blogging pioneers, web designer Jason Kottke started keeping track of interesting things on the internet as far back as 1998. The site took off, boosted partly through close links to popular blog-building website Blogger (he later married one of the founders). And as the phenomenon grew quickly, Kottke became a well-known filter for surfers on the lookout for interesting reading. Kottke remains one of the purest old-skool bloggers on the block - it's a selection of links to websites and articles rather than a repository for detailed personal opinion - and although it remains fairly esoteric, his favourite topics include film, science, graphic design and sport. He often picks up trends and happenings before friends start forwarding them to your inbox. Kottke's decision to consciously avoid politics could be part of his appeal (he declares himself 'not a fan'), particularly since the blog's voice is literate, sober and inquiring, unlike much of the red-faced ranting found elsewhere online. A couple of key moments boosted Kottke's fame: first, being threatened with legal action by Sony for breaking news about a TV show, but most notably quitting his web-design job and going solo three years ago. A host of 'micropatrons' and readers donated cash to cover his salary, but these days he gets enough advertising to pay the bills. He continues to plug away at the site as it enters its 10th year. Least likely to post 'Look at this well wicked vid of a dog on a skateboard' kottke.org

5. Dooce

One of the best-known personal bloggers (those who provide more of a diary than a soapbox or reporting service), Heather Armstrong has been writing online since 2001. Though there were personal websites that came before hers, certain elements conspired to make Dooce one of the biggest public diaries since Samuel Pepys's (whose diary is itself available, transcribed in blog form, at Pepysdiary.com). Primarily, Armstrong became one of the first high-profile cases of somebody being fired for writing about her job. After describing events that her employer - a dotcom start-up - thought reflected badly on them, Armstrong was sacked. The incident caused such fierce debate that Dooce found itself turned into a verb that is used in popular parlance (often without users realising its evolution): 'dooced - to be fired from one's job as a direct result of one's personal website'. Behind Dooce stands an army of personal bloggers perhaps not directly influenced by, or even aware of, her work - she represents the hundreds of thousands who decide to share part of their life with strangers. Armstrong's honesty has added to her popularity, and she has written about work, family life, postnatal depression, motherhood, puppies and her Mormon upbringing with the same candid and engaging voice. Readers feel that they have been brought into her life, and reward her with their loyalty. Since 2005 the advertising revenue on her blog alone has been enough to support her family. Least likely to post 'I like babies but I couldn't eat a whole one' dooce.com

6. Perezhilton

Once dubbed 'Hollywood's most hated website', Perezhilton (authored by Mario Lavandeira since 2005) is the gossip site celebrities fear most. Mario, 29, is famous for scrawling rude things (typically doodles about drug use) over pap photos and outing closeted stars. On the day of Lindsay Lohan's arrest for drink-driving, he posted 60 updates, and 8m readers logged on. He's a shameless publicity whore, too. His reality show premiered on VH1 last year, and his blogsite is peppered with snaps of him cuddling Paris Hilton at premieres. Fergie from Black Eyed Peas alluded to him in a song, and Avril Lavigne phoned, asking him to stop writing about her after he repeatedly blogged about her lack of talent and her 'freakishly long arm'. Least likely to post 'Log on tomorrow for Kofi Annan's live webchat' perezhilton.com

7. Talking points memo

At some point during the disputed US election of 2000 - when Al Gore was famously defeated by a few hanging chads - Joshua Micah Marshall lost patience. Despite working as a magazine editor, Marshall chose to vent on the web. Eight years later Talking Points Memo and its three siblings draw in more than 400,000 viewers a day from their base in New York. Marshall has forged a reputation, and now makes enough money to run a small team of reporters who have made an impact by sniffing out political scandal and conspiracy. 'I think in many cases the reporting we do is more honest, more straight than a lot of things you see even on the front pages of great papers like the New York Times and the Washington Post,' he said in an interview last year. 'But I think both kinds of journalism should exist, should co-exist.' Although his unabashed partisan approach is admonished by many old-fashioned American reporters, Marshall's skills at pulling together the threads of a story have paid dividends. Last year he helped set the agenda after George Bush covertly fired a string of US attorneys deemed disloyal to the White House. While respected mainstream media figures accused Marshall of seeing conspiracy, he kept digging: the result was the resignation of attorney general Alberto Gonzales, and a prestigious George Polk journalism award for Marshall, the first ever for a blogger. Least likely to post 'Barack is so, like, gnarly to the max' talkingpointsmemo.com

8. Icanhascheezburger

Amused by a photo of a smiling cat, idiosyncratically captioned with the query 'I Can Has A Cheezburger?', which he found on the internet while between jobs in early 2007, Eric Nakagawa of Hawaii emailed a copy of it to a friend (known now only as Tofuburger). Then, on a whim, they began a website, first comprising only that one captioned photo but which has since grown into one of the most popular blogs in the world. Millions of visitors visit Icanhascheezburger.com to see, create, submit and vote on Lolcats (captioned photos of characterful cats in different settings). The 'language' used in the captions, which this blog has helped to spread globally, is known as Lolspeak, aka Kitty Pidgin. In Lolspeak, human becomes 'hooman', Sunday 'bunday', exactly 'xackly' and asthma 'azma'. There is now an effort to develop a LOLCode computer-programming language and another to translate the Bible into Lolspeak. Least likely to post 'Actually, dogs are much more interesting..." icanhascheezburger.com

9. Beppe Grillo

Among the most visited blogs in the world is that of Beppe Grillo, a popular Italian comedian and political commentator, long persona non grata on state TV, who is infuriated daily - especially by corruption and financial scandal in his country. A typical blog by Grillo calls, satirically or otherwise, for the people of Naples and Campania to declare independence, requests that Germany declare war on Italy to help its people ('We will throw violets and mimosa to your Franz and Gunther as they march through') or reports on Grillo's ongoing campaign to introduce a Bill of Popular Initiative to remove from office all members of the Italian parliament who've ever had a criminal conviction. Grillo's name for Mario Mastella, leader of the Popular-UDEUR centre-right party, is Psychodwarf. 'In another country, he would have been the dishwasher in a pizzeria,' says Grillo. Through his blog, he rallied many marchers in 280 Italian towns and cities for his 'Fuck You' Day last September. Least likely to post 'Sign up to our campaign to grant Silvo Berlusconi immunity' beppegrillo.it

10. Gawker

A New York blog of 'snarky' gossip and commentary about the media industry, Gawker was founded in 2002 by journalist Nick Denton, who had previously helped set up a networking site called First Tuesday for web and media entrepreneurs. Gawker's earliest fascination was gossip about Vogue editor Anna Wintour, garnered from underlings at Conde Nast. This set the tone for amassing a readership of movers and shakers on the Upper East Side, as well as 'the angry creative underclass' wishing either to be, or not be, like them, or both ('the charmingly incompetent X... the wildly successful blowhard'). Within a year Gawker's readers were making 500,000 page views per month. Nowadays the figure is 11m, recovering from a recent dip to 8m thanks to the showing of a Tom Cruise 'Indoctrination Video' which Scientologists had legally persuaded YouTube to take down. Gawker remains the flagship of Gawker Media, which now comprises 14 blogs, although gossiping by ex-Gawker insiders, a fixation on clicks (which its bloggers are now paid on the basis of) and fresh anxiety over defining itself have led some to claim Gawker has become more 'tabloidy' and celeb- and It-girl-orientated, and less New York-centric. But its core value - 'media criticism' - appears to be intact. Least likely to post 'We can only wish Rupert Murdoch well with his new venture' gawker.com

11. The Drudge Report

The Report started life as an email gossip sheet, and then became a trashy webzine with negligible traffic. But thanks to the decision in 1998 to run a scurrilous rumour – untouched by mainstream media – about Bill Clinton and a White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, it became a national phenomenon. Recent scoops include Barack Obama dressed in tribal garb and the fact Prince Harry was serving in Afghanistan. Drudge is scorned by journalists and serious bloggers for his tabloid sensibilities, but his place in the media history books is guaranteed. And much though they hate him, the hacks all still check his front page – just in case he gets another president-nobbling scoop. Least likely to post 'Oops, one sec – just got to check the facts…' drudgereport.com

12. Xu Jinglei

Jinglei is a popular actress (and director of Letter From An Unknown Woman) in China, who in 2005 began a blog ('I got the joy of expressing myself') which within a few months had garnered 11.5m visits and spurred thousands of other Chinese to blog. In 2006 statisticians at Technorati, having previously not factored China into their calculations, realised Jinglei's blog was the most popular in the world. In it she reports on her day-to-day moods, reflections, travels, social life and cats ('Finally the first kitten's been born!!! Just waiting for the second, in the middle of the third one now!!!!!!!! It's midnight, she gave birth to another one!!!!!!'). She blogs in an uncontroversial but quite reflective manner, aiming to show a 'real person' behind the celebrity. Each posting, usually ending with 'I have to be up early' or a promise to report tomorrow on a DVD she is watching, is followed by many hundreds of comments from readers – affirming their love, offering advice, insisting she take care. Last year her blog passed the 1bn clicks mark. Least likely to post 'Forget the kittens – get a Kalashnikov!!!!!!!' blog.sina.com.cn/xujinglei

13. Treehugger

Treehugger is a green consumer blog with a mission to bring a sustainable lifestyle to the masses. Its ethos, that a green lifestyle does not have to mean sacrifice, and its positive, upbeat feel have attracted over 1.8m unique users a month. Consistently ranked among the top 20 blogs on Technorati, Treehugger has 10 staff but also boasts 40 writers from a wide variety of backgrounds in more than 10 countries around the world, who generate more than 30 new posts a day across eight categories, ranging from fashion and beauty, travel and nature, to science and technology. Treehugger began as an MBA class project four years ago and says it now generates enough revenue from sponsorship and advertising to pay all its staffers and writers. It has developed a highly engaged community and has added popular services like TreeHugger.tv, and a user-generated blog, Hugg. It was bought by the Discovery Channel last year for a rumoured $10m. Least likely to post 'Why Plastic Bags rock' treehugger.com

14. Microsiervos

Microsiervos, which began in 2001, took its name from Douglas Coupland's novel Microserfs, a diary entry-style novel about internet pioneers. It is run by Alvy, Nacho and Wicho, three friends in Madrid, who blog in Spanish. The second most popular blog in Europe and the 13th most popular in the world (according to eBizMBA), Microsiervos concerns itself with science, curiosities, strange reality, chance, games, puzzles, quotations, conspiracies, computers, hacking, graffiti and design. It is informal, friendly and humorous, moving from news of an eccentric new letter font to reflections on the discovery of the Milky Way having double the thickness it was previously thought to have. Least likely to post 'The internet is, like, so over' microsiervos.com

15. TMZ

You want relentless celebrity gossip on tap? TMZ will provide it, and when we say relentless, we mean relentless. The US site is dripping with 'breaking news' stories, pictures and videos, and deems celeb activity as mundane as stars walking to their cars worthy of a video post. TMZ was launched in 2005 by AOL and reportedly employs around 20 writers to keep the celeb juice flowing. It pulls in 1.6m readers a month and is endlessly cited as the source for red-top celeb stories. It was the first to break Alec Baldwin's now infamous 'rude little pig' voicemail last April, for instance. TMZ prides itself on being close to the action, so close, in fact, a TMZ photographer had his foot run over by Britney Spears mid-meltdown. They auctioned the tyre-tracked sock on eBay in aid of US charity the Children's Defense Fund last autumn. Least likely to post 'Paris is a metaphor for Third World debt' TMZ.com

16. Engadget

Engadget provides breaking news, rumours and commentary on, for instance, a camera able to track a head automatically, the very latest HD screen or 'visual pollution' concerns prompted by hand-held pico laser-projectors. The world's most popular blog on gadgets and consumer electronics, Engadget was founded by Peter Rojas in 2004 and won the Web Blogs Awards that year and each year since. Now part of Weblogs Inc (owned by AOL), it is offered on many other sites (including GoogleMail) as a default RSS feed, and is published in English, Spanish, Japanese and Chinese. Last year, a mistake confirmed Engadget's power - upon reporting a supposed email (which turned out to be a hoax) from Apple, informing Apple employees of a delay in the launch of iPhone, Apple's share price fell by 3 per cent within minutes. Rojas also co-founded rival gadget blog Gizmodo. Least likely to post 'An iWhat?' engadget.com

17. Marbury

No matter what happens between now and 4 November, you can be certain the US presidential election of 2008 will be among the most historically important and dramatic of any fought. Having an informed opinion will be a must, but if you are as yet unable to tell your Iowa Caucus from your Feiler Faster Thesis, Marbury – a British blog on American politics – is the place to start. The site's creator, Ian Leslie, is an ex-expat who fell for American politics during a four-year stint living in New York. The site signposts important events and interesting analyses, gives context and witty commentary on everything from the most serious speeches to the silliest election-themed YouTube clips. And West Wing fans will be pleased to note that the blog's name is a reference to the show's British ambassador to the United States, Lord John Marbury, who, appropriately enough, provided an eccentrically British but reliably insightful appraisal of American politics. Least likely to post 'Is it just me or is Romney getting cuter?' marbury.typepad.com

18. Chez Pim

Attracting around 10,000 people from all over the globe to her site every week, Pim Techamuanvivit has tried and tested an awful lot of food. From Michelin-starred restaurants to street food and diners, she samples it all, and posts her thoughts and pictures to share with other foodie fans. She advises her readers on what cooking equipment to go for, posts recipe suggestions for them to try, and gives them a nudge in the direction of which food shows are worth a watch. She's not just famous on the net, she's attracted global coverage in the media with her writing, recipes and interviews appearing in such diverse publications as the New York Times, Le Monde and the Sydney Morning Herald. Least likely to post 'Chocolate's my favourite flavour of Pop Tart' chezpim.typepad.com

19. Basic thinking

Recently rated the 18th most influential blog in the world by Wikio, Basic Thinking, which has the tag line 'Mein Haus, Mein Himmel, Mein Blog', is run by Robert Basic of Usingen, Germany, who aims 'to boldly blog what no one has blogged before', and recently posted his 10,000th entry. Basic Thinking reports on technology and odds and ends, encouraging readers to rummage through an 1851 edition of the New York Times one minute and to contemplate the differences between mooses and elks the next. Least likely to post 'Mein heim, mein gott – I need to get a life' basicthinking.de/blog

20. The Sartorialist

As ideas go, this one is pretty simple. Man wanders around Manhattan with a camera. Spots someone whose outfit he likes. Asks if he can take a picture. Goes home and posts it on his blog. But the man in question is Scott Schuman, who had 15 years' experience working at the high-fashion end of the clothing industry before starting The Sartorialist. He's got a sharp eye for a good look, a gift for grabbing an on-the-hoof pic and an unwavering enthusiasm for people going the extra mile in the name of style. Minimalist it might be, but his site – a basic scroll of full-length street portraits, occasionally annotated with a brief note – is mesmeric and oddly beautiful. The site attracts more than 70,000 readers a day and has been named one of Time's Top 100 Design Influences. So if you're out and about and a guy called Scott asks to take your picture, just smile. You're about to become a style icon. Least likely to post 'Sometimes you need to chill in a shellsuit' thesartorialist.blogspot.com

21. Students for a free Tibet

Taking the protest online, Students for a Free Tibet (SFT) is a global, grassroots network of students campaigning to free Tibet, which has been occupied by China since 1950. Students in Tibet face arrest for posting on the site, but many escape to blog about their experiences in exile. With a history of direct action, the group is now uniting worldwide members through the web, blogging to spread word of news and protests, and using sites like Facebook to raise funds. The organisation, which was founded in 1994 in New York, spans more than 35 countries and gets up to 100,000 hits a month. In 2006, SFT used a satellite link at Mount Everest base camp to stream live footage on to YouTube of a demonstration against Chinese Olympic athletes practising carrying the torch there. Later this year the web will be a critical tool in organising and reporting protests during the games. 'SFT plans to stage protests in Beijing during the games and post blogs as events unfold,' says Iain Thom, the SFT UK national co-ordinator. 'But for security reasons we can't reveal details of how or where yet.' Similarly, a massive protest in London on 10 March will be the subject of intense cyber comment. In response, the site has fallen victim to increasingly sophisticated cyber attacks. Investigations have traced the sources back to China, leading to speculation that the Chinese authorities are trying to sabotage the site to stop online critics. Least likely to post 'Hey guyz, any hotties in the Nepal region?!' studentsforafreetibet.org

22. Jezebel

Last year Gawker Media launched Jezebel – a blog which aimed to become a brilliant version of a women's magazine. It succeeded quickly, in part by acknowledging the five big lies perpetuated by the women's media: The Cover Lie (female forgeries of computer-aided artistry); The Celebrity-Profile Lie (flattery, more nakedly consumerist and less imaginative than the movies they're shilling for); The Must-Have Lie (magazine editors are buried in free shit); The Affirmation Crap Lie (you are insecure about things you didn't know it was possible to be insecure about); and The Big Meta Lie (we're devastatingly affected by the celebrity media). Their regular 'Crap Email From a Dude' feature is especially fantastic, as is their coverage of current stories (opinionated and consistently hilarious) and politics. It offers the best lady-aimed writing on the web, along with lots of nice pictures of Amy Winehouse getting out of cars. Least likely to post 'How To Look Skinny While Pleasing Your Man!' jezebel.com

23. Gigazine

Created by Satoshi Yamasaki and Mazaki Keito of Osaka, Gigazine is the most popular blog in Japan, covering the latest in junk foods and beverages, games, toys and other ingredients of colourful pop product culture. Visitors first witness 'eye candy' such as David Beckham condoms (from China), 75 turtles in a fridge, the packaging for Mega Frankfurters or a life-size Ferrari knitted from wool, learn of a second X-Files movie moving into pre-pre-production, watch a vacuum-cleaning robot being tested and compare taste reports of Kentucky Fried Chicken's new Shrimp Tsuisuta Chilli. Least likely to post 'Anyone seen these charming croquet mallets?' gigazine.net

24. Girl with a one-track mind

Following in the footsteps of Belle de Jour – the anonymous blogger claiming to be a sex worker – the girl with a one track mind started writing in open, explicit terms about her lively sex life in 2004. By 2006, the blog was bookified and published by Ebury, and spent much time on bestseller lists, beach towels and hidden behind the newspapers of serious-looking commuters. Though she was keen to retain her anonymity and continue her career in the film industry, author 'Abby Lee' was soon outed as north Londoner Zoe Margolis by a Sunday newspaper. Least likely to post 'I've got a headache' girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com

25. Mashable

Founded by Peter Cashmore in 2005, Mashable is a social-networking news blog, reporting on and reviewing the latest developments, applications and features available in or for MySpace, Facebook, Bebo and countless lesser-known social-networking sites and services, with a special emphasis on functionality. The blog's name Mashable is derived from Mashup, a term for the fusing of multiple web services. Readers range from top web 2.0 developers to savvy 13-year-olds wishing for the latest plug-ins to pimp up their MySpace pages. Least likely to post 'But why don't you just phone them up?' mashable.com

26. Greek tragedy

Stephanie Klein's blog allows her to 'create an online scrapbook of my life, complete with drawings, photos and my daily musings' or, rather, tell tawdry tales of dating nightmares, sexual encounters and bodily dysfunctions. Thousands of women tune in for daily accounts of her narcissistic husband and nightmarish mother-in-law and leave equally self-revealing comments transforming the pages into something of a group confessional. The blog has been so successful that Klein has penned a book, Straight Up and Dirty, and has featured in countless magazine and newspaper articles around the globe. Not bad for what Klein describes as 'angst online'. Least likely to post 'Enough about me – what's your news?' stephanieklein.blogs.com

27. Holy Moly

If a weekly flick through Heat just isn't enough, then a daily intake of Holy Moly will certainly top up those celeb gossip levels. The UK blog attracts 750,000 visitors a month and 240,000 celeb-obsessees subscribe to the accompanying weekly mail-out. It's an established resource for newspaper columnists – both tabloid and broadsheet – and there's a daily 'News from the Molehill' slot in the free London paper The Metro. Last month Holy Moly created headlines in its own right by announcing a rethink on publishing paparazzi shots. The blog will no longer publish pics obtained when 'pursuing people in cars and on bikes', as well as 'celebrities with their kids', 'people in distress at being photographed' and off-duty celebs. But don't think that means the omnipresent celeb blog that sends shivers round offices up and down the country on 'mail-out day' is slowing down – there has been talk of Holy Moly expanding into TV. Least likely to post 'What do you think of the new Hanif Kureishi?' holymoly.co.uk

28. Michelle Malkin

Most surveys of web use show a fairly even gender balance online, but political blogging is dominated by men. One exception is Michelle Malkin, a conservative newspaper columnist and author with one of the most widely read conservative blogs in the US. That makes her one of the most influential women online. Her main theme is how liberals betray America by being soft on terrorism, peddling lies about global warming and generally lacking patriotism and moral fibre. Least likely to post 'That Obama's got a lovely smile, hasn't he?' www.michellemalkin.com

29. Cranky flier

There's nowhere to hide for airlines these days. Not with self-confessed 'airline dork' Brett Snyder, aka Cranky Flier, keeping tabs on their progress. He's moved on from spending his childhood birthdays in airport hotels, face pressed against the window watching the planes come in, and turned his attention to reporting on the state of airlines. His CV is crammed with various US airline jobs, which gives him the insider knowledge to cast his expert eye over everything from the recent 777 emergency landing at Heathrow to spiralling baggage handling costs and the distribution of air miles to 'virtual assistants'. Least likely to post 'There's nothing wrong with a well-conducted cavity search' crankyflier.com

30. Go fug yourself

It's a neat word, fug – just a simple contraction of 'ugly' and its preceding expletive – but from those three letters an entire fugging industry has grown. At Go Fug Yourself, celebrity offenders against style, elegance and the basic concept of making sure you're covering your reproductive organs with some form of clothing before you leave the house are 'fugged' by the site's writers, Jessica Morgan and Heather Cocks. In their hands, the simple pleasure of yelping 'Does she even OWN a mirror?' at a paparazzi shot of some B-list headcase in fuchsia becomes an epic battle against dull Oscar gowns, ill-fitting formalwear and Lindsay Lohan's leggings. The site stays on the right side of gratuitous nastiness by dishing out generous praise when due (the coveted 'Well Played'), being genuinely thoughtful on questions of taste and funnier on the subject of random starlets in sequined sweatpants than you could possibly even imagine. Least likely to post 'Oprah looked great in those stretch jeans' gofugyourself.typepad.com

31. Gaping void

In the middle of a career as an adman in New York, Hugh MacLeod found himself doodling acerbic and almost surreal cartoons on the back of people's business cards to pass the time in bars. Everyone seemed to like the idea, so he kept going. Things started going gangbusters when he pimped his cartoons on the internet, and as he built an audience through his blog, he started writing about his other passion – the new world of understanding how to adapt marketing to the new world of the net. Remember when everybody was madly printing off vouchers from the web that saved you 40 per cent? That was one of his: aimed at helping shift more bottles from Stormhoek, the South African vintner he works with. Least likely to post 'This product really sells itself' gapingvoid.com

32. Dirtydirty dancing

If someone stole your camera, took it out for the night to parties you yourself aren't cool enough to go to and returned it in the morning, you would probably find it loaded up with pictures like those posted on DirtyDirtyDancing. The site seems pretty lo-fi – just entries called things like 'Robin's birthday' and 'FEB16' featuring pages of images of hip young things getting their party on. And that's it. The original delight was in logging on to see if you'd made it on to the site – your chances increase exponentially if you're beautiful, avant-garde and hang out at clubs and parties in the edgier parts of London – but now the site can get up to 900,000 hits a month from all over the world. Least likely to post 'Revellers at the Earl of Strathdore's hunt ball' dirtydirtydancing.com

33. Crooked timber

With a title pulled from Immanuel Kant's famous statement that 'out of the crooked timber of humanity, no straight thing was ever made', it's an amalgam of academic and political writing that has muscled its way into the epicentre of intelligent discussion since its conception in 2003. Formed as an internet supergroup, pulling several popular intellectual blogs together, Crooked Timber now has 16 members – largely academics – across the US, Europe, Australia and Asia. The site has built itself a reputation as something of an intellectual powerhouse; a sort of global philosophical thinktank conducted via blog. Least likely to post 'Did anyone see Casualty last night?' crookedtimber.org

34. Beansprouts

Combining diary, opinion and green lifestyle tips, Beansprouts is a blog that covers one family's 'search for the good life'. Melanie Rimmer and her family of five live in a 'small ex-council house' with a garden on the edge of farmland in Poynton, Cheshire. They grow food on an allotment nearby, keep chickens and bees and 'try to be green, whatever that means'. Rimmer set up the blog nearly two years ago when she first got the allotment and says she felt it was something worth writing about. With one post a day, often more, topics for discussion can range from top 10 uses for apples to making scrap quilts. Least likely to post 'Make mine a Happy Meal' bean-sprouts.blogspot.com

35. The offside

Launched by 'Bob' after the success of his WorldCupBlog in 2006, Offside is a UK-based blog covering football leagues globally, gathering news and visuals on all of it, inviting countless match reports and promoting discussion on all things soccer, from the attack by a colony of red ants on a player in the Sao Paulo state championship third division, to the particular qualities of every one of Cristiano Ronaldo's goals so far this season. Considered by many to be the best 'serious' blog in the game, it nevertheless promises irreverently, 'If there is a sex scandal in England, we'll be stuck in the middle of it. If a player is traded for 1,000lb of beef in Romania, we'll cook the steak. And if something interesting happens in Major League Soccer, we'll be just as surprised as you.' Least likely to post 'Check out Ronaldo's bubble butt' theoffside.com

36. Peteite Anglaise

The tagline of a new book hitting British shelves reads 'In Paris, in love, in trouble', but if it were telling the whole story, perhaps it should read 'In public' too. Bored at work one day in 2004, expat secretary Catherine Sanderson happened upon the concept of blogging. With a few clicks and an impulse she created her own blog, and quickly gathered fans who followed her life in Paris, the strained relationship with her partner and adventures with her toddler. And there was plenty of drama to watch: within a year her relationship had broken up, and she'd met a new man who wooed her online. Readers were mesmerised by her unflinching dedication to telling the whole story, no matter how she would be judged. Soon afterwards, however, Sanderson's employers found out about the blog and promptly fired her. Defeat turned into victory, however, with the press attention she gathered from the dismissal not only securing victory in an industrial tribunal, but also helping her score a lucrative two-book deal with Penguin. Least likely to post 'J'ai assez parle de moi, qu'est-ce que vous pensez?' petiteanglaise.com

37. Crooks and liars

Founded in 2004 by John Amato (a professional saxophonist and flautist), Crooks and Liars is a progressive/liberal-leaning political blog, with over 200m visitors to date, which is illustrated by video and audio clips of politicians and commentators on podiums, radio and TV. Readers post a variety of comments on political talking points of the day, although 9/11 conspiracy theories are often deleted, and there is a daily round-up of notable stories on other political blogs. Least likely to post 'So just what is a caucus?' crooksandliars.com

38. Chocolate and Zucchini

For Clothilde Dusoulier, a young woman working in computing and living in the Paris district of Montmartre, starting a blog was a way of venting her boundless enthusiasm for food without worrying she might be boring her friends with it. Five years later Chocolate and Zucchini, one of the most popular cooking blogs, has moved from being a hobby to a full-time career. The mixture of an insider's view on gastronomic Paris, conversational, bilingual writing and the sheer irresistibility of her recipes pull in thousands of readers every day. This, in turn, has led to multiple books and the ability to forge a dream career as a food writer.The name of the blog is, she says, a good metaphor for her cooking style: 'The zucchini illustrates my focus on healthy and natural eating... and the chocolate represents my decidedly marked taste for anything sweet.' Least likely to post 'Just add instant mash' chocolateandzucchini.com

39. Samizdata

Samizdata is one of Britain's oldest blogs. Written by a bunch of anarcho-libertarians, tax rebels, Eurosceptics and Wildean individualists, it has a special niche in the political blogosphere: like a dive bar, on the rational side of the border between fringe opinion and foam-flecked paranoid ranting. Samizdata serves its opinions up strong and neat, but still recognisable as politics. On the other side of the border, in the wilderness, the real nutters start. Least likely to post 'I'd say it's six of one, half a dozen of the other' samizdata.net

40. The daily dish

Andrew Sullivan is an expat Brit, blogging pioneer and defier-in-chief of American political stereotypes. He is an economic conservative (anti-tax), a social liberal (soft on drugs) and a foreign policy hawk (pro-war). He endorsed George Bush in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004. Barack Obama is his preferred Democrat candidate in 2008. So he is either confused, a hypocrite or a champion of honest non-partisanship – depending on your point of view. He is also gay, a practising Roman Catholic and HIV-positive, a set of credentials he routinely deploys in arguments to confuse atheist liberals and evangelical conservatives. Least likely to post 'Sorry, I can't think of anything to say' andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com

41. The F word

Founded in 2001, the UK's first feminist webzine is responsible for reviving debates around feminism in Britain. Edited by Jess McCabe, the site, which receives around 3,000 hits a day, is dedicated to providing a forum for contemporary feminist voices, with a daily news blog, features on stereotypes and censorship, podcasts on pornography and regular feminist film reviews. Least likely to post 'What's the difference between a woman and a condom?' thefword.org.uk

42. Jonny B's private secret diary

Growing in popularity since its debut in 2003, Jonny B's diary – which is clearly neither private nor terribly secret – catalogues the rock and bowls lifestyle of one man in the depths of rural Norfolk. With the mocking self-awareness of a modern Diary of a Nobody, the author tells tales of wild nights at the village pub and the fortunes of the local bowls team. As a slow, gentle satire on modern village life, it is often held up as an example of blog as sitcom, and has not only attracted a loyal band of readers, but a dedicated fan club on Facebook desperate to work out the real identity of the wit behind the site. Previous guesses have included Chris Evans and Johnny Vaughan, though both have been strenuously denied. Least likely to post 'OMG, I saw Jessica Simpson in Lidl and she signed my bum!' privatesecretdiary.com

43. Popjustice

When Smash Hits! died, Popjustice became the new home of pop music. Founded in 2000 by Peter Robinson, it combines fandom with music news and raw critique, all hilarious, and all blindingly correct. Recent features include a review of Eurovision failure Daz Sampson's new single 'Do A Little Dance' ('The listener is invited to muse on the sad inevitability of their own death') and a furious debate about the future of Girls Aloud. Least likely to post 'I prefer Pierre Boulez's interpretation of Mahler's third' popjustice.com

44. Waiter rant

Rant isn't quite the right word for this collection of carefully crafted stories from the sharp end of the service industry in a busy New York restaurant. 'The Waiter', as the author is known, has been blogging his experiences with fussy customers and bad tippers since 2004, winning a gong at blogging's biggest awards, the Bloggies, in 2007. It's representative – but by no means the first – of the so-called 'job-blogs', with people from all walks of life, from ambulance drivers (randomactsofreality.net) and policemen (coppersblog.blogspot.com) to the greatly loved but now defunct Call Centre Confidential. Between them they chronicle life in their trade, and usually from behind a veil of anonymity. Something about the everyday nature of The Waiter – a person we like to pretend is invisible or treat with servile disdain – deconstructing the event later with a subtle, erudite typestroke, has captured the public imagination and (hopefully) made some people behave better in restaurants than they otherwise might. Least likely to post 'The customer is always right' waiterrant.net

45. Hecklerspray

The internet's not exactly short of gossip websites providing scurrilous rumours of who did what to whom, but some stand out from the rest. Sharply written and often laugh-out-loud funny, Hecklerspray has been called the British alternative to Perez Hilton, but it's different in important ways: the emphasis here is on style and wit, with a stated aim to 'chronicle the ups and downs of all that is populist and niche within the murky world of entertainment'. Basically, it's gossip for grown-ups. Least likely to post 'If you can't say anything nice…' hecklerspray.com

46. WoWinsider

WoWinsider is a blog about the World of Warcraft, which is the most popular online role-playing game in the world, one for which over 10m pay subscriptions each month in order to control an avatar (a character, chosen from 10 races) and have it explore landscapes, perform quests, build skills, fight monsters to the death and interact with others' avatars. WoWinsider reports on what's happening within WoW ('Sun's Reach Harbor has been captured'). It also reports on outside developments and rumours ('A future patch will bring a new feature: threat meters'). Supporters of US presidential candidate Ron Paul promoted on WoWInsider their recent virtual mass march through the WoW. And the blog recently reported that America's Homeland Security are – seriously – looking for a terrorist operating within WoW. Least likely to post 'Who fancies a game of space invaders?' WoWinsider.com

47. Angry black bitch

Angry Black Bitch, which has the tagline, 'Practising the Fine Art of Bitchitude', is the four-year-old blog of Shark Fu of St Louis, Missouri. She has never posted a photo of herself and this 'anonymity' has led recently to her having to fend off claims she's really a white man, even a drag queen. But taken as read, Shark Fu is a much-discussed, 35-year-old black woman, tired of the 'brutal weight' of her 'invisibility'. Least likely to post 'I'm off to anger-management' angryblackbitch.blogspot.com

48. Stylebubble

Fashion blogger Susie Lau says Stylebubble is just a diary of what she wears and why. But few diaries are read by 10,000 people a day. Lau, 23, admits to spending up to 60 per cent of her pay from her day job in advertising on clothes, but now she's viewed as a fashion opinion former, she's being paid in kind. Her influence is such that fashion editors namecheck her blog, Chanel invites her to product launches and advertisers have come calling. Least likely to post 'I even wear my Ugg boots in bed' stylebubble.typepad.com

49. AfterEllen

Afterellen takes an irreverent look at how the lesbian community is represented in the media. Started by lesbian pop-culture guru Sarah Warn in 2002, the name of the site gives a nod to the groundbreaking moment Ellen DeGeneres came out on her hit TV show, Ellen, in 1997. Since then, lesbian and bisexual women have moved from the margins on to primetime TV, and this blog analyses the good, the bad and the ugly of how they're portrayed. It's now the biggest website for LGBT women, with half a million hits a month. Least likely to post 'George Clooney – I wouldn't kick him out of bed' afterellen.com

50. Copyblogger

It's dry, real, and deafeningly practical, but for an online writing-for-the-internet blog, Copyblogger, founded in 2006, is remarkably interesting. Swelling with advice on online writing, it's an essential tool for anyone trying to make themselves heard online, whether commenting on a discussion board or putting together a corporate website. Least likely to post 'Social networking – it's just a phase' copyblogger.com · Join the Debate: If you would like to comment about our choice of blogs, go to blogs.theguardian.com/digitalcontent · This article was amended on Friday March 14 2008. In the article above we wrongly said that Ryan Block founded Engadget and co-founded gadget blog Gizmodo. They were actually founded and co-founded by Peter Rojas. This has been corrected. Read the full article

#Fashionblogger #politicalblogging #post #Thehistory #WoWinsider

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justinmjm8700-blog · 7 years ago

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Hospitality And Tourism Management (Co-op) Program & Courses

Welcome to The Kennedy Coaching Community, the lodging trade's best supply for lodge coaching packages and providers in subject areas of resort reservations sales, hospitality and guest service excellence, entrance desk revenue optimization, upselling, and lodge gross sales division training. The Philippine School of Culinary is nestled in a resort facility. Normal chemistry sometimes known as "gen chem" for brief is a course often taught on the highschool and introductory college degree. Attending a vocational college gives students with the choice to complete a certificate or an associate's degree program in hotel/motel management. Before you do that diploma program ask yourself the next questions. Designed for present hospitality professionals, this program takes an in-depth look at the hospitality business, while educating you the administration abilities you want to advance your career in lodging, meals and beverage, tourism, and occasion planning. Be taught what it takes to manage hospitality venues around the globe, together with inns and resorts, restaurants, occasions, conferences and conventions, casinos, and journey and tourism profession endeavors.

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blackkudos · 7 years ago

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M.C. Hammer

Stanley Kirk Burrell (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name M.C. Hammer, is an American hip hop recording artist, dancer, record producer, entrepreneur, and actor. He had his greatest commercial success and popularity from the late 1980s until the late 1990s. Remembered for his rapid rise to fame, Hammer is known for hit records (such as "U Can't Touch This" and "2 Legit 2 Quit"), flashy dance movements, choreography and eponymous Hammer pants.

A multi-award winner, M.C. Hammer is considered a "forefather/pioneer" and innovator of pop rap (incorporating elements of freestyle music), and is the first hip hop artist to achieve diamond status for an album. Hammer was later considered a sellout due in part to overexposure as an entertainer (having live instrumentation/bands, choreographed dance routines and an impact on popular culture being regularly referenced on television and in music) and as a result of being too "commercial" when rap was "hardcore" at one point, then his image later becoming increasingly "gritty" to once again adapt to the ever-changing landscape of rap. Regardless, BET ranked Hammer as the #7 "Best Dancer Of All Time". Vibe's "The Best Rapper Ever Tournament" declared him the 17th favorite of all-time during the first round.

Burrell became a preacher during the late 1990s with a Christian ministry program on TBN called M.C. Hammer and Friends. Additionally, he starred in a Saturday morning cartoon called Hammerman in 1991 and was executive producer of his own reality show called Hammertime which aired on the A&E Network during the summer of 2009. Hammer was also a television show host and dance judge on Dance Fever in 2003, was co-creator of a dance website called DanceJam.com, and is a record label CEO while still performing concerts at music venues and assisting with other social media, ministry and outreach functions. Prior to becoming ordained, Hammer signed with Suge Knight's Death Row Records by 1995.

Throughout his career, Hammer has managed his own recording business. As a result, he has created and produced his own acts including Oaktown's 3.5.7, Special Generation, Analise, DRS, B Angie B, and Wee Wee. A part of additional record labels, he has associated/collaborated/recorded with VMF, Tupac Shakur, Teddy Riley, Felton Pilate, Tha Dogg Pound, The Whole 9, The Hines Brother (Andra Hines & Dunkin Hines), Deion Sanders, Big Daddy Kane, BeBe & CeCe Winans and Jon Gibson. In 1992, Doug E. Fresh was signed to M.C. Hammer's Bust It Records label.

Early life and education

Stanley Kirk Burrell was born on March 30, 1962 in Oakland, California. His father was a professional poker player and gambling casino manager (at Oaks Card Club's cardroom), as well as warehouse supervisor. He grew up poor with his mother (a secretary) and eight siblings in a small apartment in East Oakland. He recalled that six children were crammed into a three-bedroom housing project apartment. The Burrells would also frequent thoroughbred horse races, eventually becoming owners and winners of several graded stakes.

In the Oakland Coliseum parking lot the young Burrell would sell stray baseballs and dance accompanied by a beatboxer. Oakland A's team owner Charles O. Finley saw the 11-year-old doing splits and hired him as a clubhouse assistant and batboy as a result of his energy and flair. Burrell served as a "batboy" with the team from 1973 to 1980. In 2010, Hammer discussed his lifelong involvement with sports athletes on ESPN's First Take as well as explained that his brother Louis Burrell Jr. (who would later become Hammer's business manager) was actually the batboy while his job was to take calls and do "play-by-plays" for the A's absentee owner during every summer game. The colorful Finley, who lived in Chicago, used the child as his "eyes and ears." Reggie Jackson, in describing Burrell's role for Finley, took credit for his nickname:

Hell, our chief executive, the guy that ran our team, uh, that communicated [with] Charlie Finley, the top man there, was a 13-year old kid. I nicknamed him "Hammer," because he looked like Hank Aaron [whose nickname was "The Hammer"].

Team players, including Milwaukee Brewers second baseman Pedro Garcia, also dubbed Burrell "Little Hammer" due to his resemblance to Aaron. Ron Bergman, at the time an Oakland Tribune writer who covered the A's, recalled that:

He was an informant in the clubhouse, an informant for Charlie, and he got the nickname "Pipeline."

According to Hammer:

Charlie said, "I'm getting you a new hat. I don't want you to have a hat that says "A's" on it. I'm getting you a hat that says 'Ex VP,' that says 'Executive Vice President.' You're running the joint around here." ... Every time I come down to the clubhouse, you know, Rollie would yell out "Oh, everybody be quiet! Here comes Pipeline!"

He acquired the nickname "M.C." for being a "Master of Ceremonies" which he used when he began performing at various clubs while on the road with the A's, and eventually in the military. Hammer, who played second base in high school, dreamed of being a professional baseball player but did not make the final cut at a San Francisco Giants tryout. However, he has been a participant/player in the annual Taco Bell All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game wearing an A's cap to represent Oakland (American League).

Burrell went on to graduate from high school in Oakland and took undergraduate classes in communications. Discouraged by his studies at a local college and failing to win a place in a professional baseball organization, Hammer considered the drug trade. Instead he joined the Navy for three years, serving with PATRON (Patrol Squadron) FOUR SEVEN (VP-47) of NAS Moffett Field in Mountain View, CA as a Petty Officer Third Class Aviation Store Keeper (AK3) until his honorable discharge.

Music career

Before Hammer's successful career (with his mainstream popularity lasting approximately between 1988 and 1998) and his "rags-to-riches-to-rags-and-back saga", Burrell formed the Christian rap music group Holy Ghost Boys. Some songs produced were called "Word" and "B-Boy Chill". "This Wall", featuring Burrell (it was originally within the lyrics of this song he first identified himself as K.B. and then eventually M.C. Hammer once it was produced), was later released by CCM's Jon Gibson (or "J.G."). This rap hit appeared on Gibson's album Change of Heart (1988) and "Son of the King" showed up on Hammer's debut album Feel My Power (1987), as well as the re-released version Let's Get It Started (1988).

With exception to later remixes of early releases, Hammer produced and recorded many rap songs that were never made public, yet are now available on the Internet. Via his record labels such as Bust It Records, Oaktown Records and FullBlast, Hammer has introduced, signed and produced new talent including Oaktown's 3.5.7, Ho Frat Hoo!, the vocal quintet Special Generation, Analise, James Greer, One Cause One Effect, B Angie B, The Stooge Playaz, DASIT (as seen on ego trip's The (White) Rapper Show), Teabag, Common Unity, Geeman and Pleasure Ellis; both collaborating with him and producing music of their own during his career.

At about the age of 12, Oakland native Keyshia Cole recorded with Hammer and sought career advice from him.

Feel My Power

(1986)

In the mid-1980s while rapping in small venues and after a record deal went sour, Hammer borrowed US$20,000 each from former Oakland A's players Mike Davis and Dwayne Murphy to start a record label business called Bust It Productions. He kept the company going by selling records from his basement and car. Bust It spawned Bustin' Records, the independent label of which Hammer was CEO. Together, the companies had more than 100 employees. Recording singles and selling them out of the trunk of his car, he marketed himself relentlessly. Coupled with his dance abilities, Hammer's style was unique at the time.

Now billing himself as "M.C. Hammer", he recorded his debut album, Feel My Power, which was produced between 1986 and 1987 and released independently in 1987 on his Oaktown Records label (Bustin'). It was produced by Felton Pilate (of Con Funk Shun), and sold over 60,000 copies and was being distributed by City Hall Records. In the spring of 1988, a 107.7 KSOL Radio DJ Tony Valera played the track "Let's Get It Started" in his mix-shows—a song in which he declared he was "second to none, from Doug E. Fresh, LL Cool J, or DJ Run"—after which the track began to gain popularity in clubs. (He would continue to call out other East Coast rappers in future projects as well.)

Hammer also released a single called "Ring 'Em", and largely on the strength of tireless street marketing by Hammer and his wife, plus continued radio mix-show play, it achieved considerable popularity at dance clubs in the San Francisco Bay Area. Heartened by his rising prospects, Hammer launched into seven-day-a-week rehearsals with the growing troupe of dancers, musicians, and backup vocalists he had hired. It was Hammer's stage show, and his infectious stage presence, that led to his big break in 1988 while performing in an Oakland club. There he impressed a record executive who "didn't know who he was, but knew he was somebody", according to the New Rolling Stone Encyclopedia of Rock & Roll.

M.C.Hammer had received several offers from major record labels before (which he initially declined due to his personal success), but after the successful release of this independent album and elaborate live dance show amazed the Capitol Records executive, Hammer agreed to sign a record deal soon after. Hammer took home a US$1,750,000 advance and a multi-album contract. It didn't take long for Capitol to recoup its investment.

Let's Get It Started (1988)

Once signed to Capitol Records, Hammer re-issued his first record (a revised version of Feel My Power) with additional tracks added and sold over 2 million copies. "Pump It Up" (also performed during Showtime at the Apollo on September 16, 1989), "Turn This Mutha Out", "Let's Get It Started" and "They Put Me in the Mix" were the most popular singles from this album which all charted. But not quite satisfied with this first multi-platinum success, Hammer's music underwent a metamorphosis, shifting from the standard rap format in his upcoming album. "I decided the next album would be more musical," he says. Purists chastised him for being more dancer than rapper. Sitting in a leopard-print bodysuit before a concert, he defended his style: "People were ready for something different from the traditional rap style. The fact that the record has reached this level indicates the genre is growing."

M.C. Hammer was very good friends with Arsenio Hall (as well as a then-unknown teen named Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, despite later rumors that there was a "beef" between the two rappers which was addressed during the height of both their careers on Hall's show, and who he would later reunite with in a 2009 concert in Salt Lake City, Utah). Therefore, Hammer was first invited to perform the song "U Can't Touch This", prior to its release, on The Arsenio Hall Show in 1989. He also performed "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em", a song that didn't make it on his next album, but did appear in the same-titled movie.

Hammer used some of the proceeds from this album to install a rolling recording studio in the back of his tour bus, where he recorded much of his second album.

In 1989, Hammer was featured on "You've Got Me Dancing" (with Glen Goldsmith), which appeared on the Glen Goldsmith album Don't Turn This Groove Around (RCA Records). The track was Hammer's first release in the UK. Hammer also appeared in Glen Goldsmith's music video for this song. The single failed to chart.

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em (1990)

Notorious for dissing rappers in his previous recordings, Hammer appropriately titled his third album (and second major-label release) Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em, which was released February 12, 1990 (with an original release date of January 1, 1990). It included the successful single "U Can't Touch This" (which sampled Rick James' "Super Freak"). It was produced, recorded, and mixed by Felton Pilate and James Earley on a modified tour bus while on tour in 1989. Despite heavy airplay and a #27 chart debut, "U Can't Touch This" stopped at #8 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart because it was released only as a twelve-inch single. However, the album was a #1 success for 21 weeks, due primarily to this single, the first time ever for a recording on the pop charts. The song has been and continues to be used in many filmmaking and television shows to date, and appears on soundtrack/compilation albums as well.

Follow-up successes included a cover of the Chi-Lites' "Have You Seen Her" and "Pray" (a beat sampled from Prince's "When Doves Cry" and Faith No More's "We Care a Lot"), which was his biggest hit in the US, peaking at #2. "Pray" was also a major UK success, peaking at #8. The album went on to become the first hip-hop album to earn diamond status, selling more than 18 million units to date. During 1990, Hammer toured extensively in Europe which included a sold-out concert at the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham. With the sponsorship of PepsiCo International, Pepsi CEO Christopher A. Sinclair went on tour with him during 1991.

The album was notable for sampling other high-profile artists and gave some of these artists a new fanbase. "Dancin' Machine" sampled The Jackson 5, "Help the Children" (also the name of an outreach foundation Hammer started) interpolates Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)", and "She's Soft and Wet" also sampled Prince's "Soft and Wet". All of these songs proved to be successful on radio and video television, with "U Can't Touch This," "Pray" (most successful), "Have You Seen Her," "Here Comes the Hammer," and "Yo!! Sweetness" (UK only) all charting. The album increased the popularity of hip-hop music. It remains the genre's all-time best-selling album.

A movie also accompanied the album and was produced in 1990, called Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie (with portions of his music videos included within the movie). At the same time, he also appeared in The West Coast Rap All-Stars posse cut "We're All in the Same Gang." Music videos from this album and the previous albums began to receive much airplay on MTV and VH1.

M.C. Hammer also contributed a track, "This is What We Do", to the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie soundtrack on SBK Records.

A critical backlash began over the repetitive nature of his lyrics, his clean-cut image, and his perceived over-reliance on sampling others' entire hooks for the basis of his singles—criticisms also directed to his contemporary, Vanilla Ice. He was mocked in music videos by 3rd Bass (including a rap battle with MC Serch), The D.O.C., DJ Debranz, and Ice Cube. Oakland hip-hop group Digital Underground criticized him in the CD insert of their Sex Packets album by placing Hammer's picture in it and referring to him as an unknown derelict. Q Tip criticized him in "Check the Rhyme," asking, "What you say Hammer? Proper. Rap is not pop, if you call it that then stop." LL Cool J dissed him in "To tha Break of Dawn" (from the Mama Said Knock You Out album), calling Hammer an "amateur, swinging a Hammer from a bodybag [his pants]," and saying, "My old gym teacher ain't supposed to rap.", though this could have been seen as a response to Hammer calling him out in "Let's Get it Started", when he was mentioned along with Run DMC and Doug E Fresh as rappers that Hammer claimed to be better than. (LL Cool J would later compliment and commend Hammer's abilities/talents on VH-1's 100 Greatest Songs of Hip Hop, which aired in 2008). However, Ice-T came to his defense on his 1991 album O.G. Original Gangster: "A special shout out to my man M.C. Hammer: a lot of people dis you, man, but they just jealous." Ice-T later explained that he had nothing against people who were pop-rap from the start, as Hammer had been, but only against emcees who switch from being hardcore or dirty to being pop-rap so that they can sell more records.

Despite the criticisms, Hammer's career continued to be highly successful including tours in Asia, Europe, Australia, and Russia. Soon after, M.C. Hammer Mattel dolls, lunchboxes, and other merchandise were marketed. He was also given his own Saturday morning cartoon, called Hammerman, which he hosted and voiced.

Too Legit to Quit (1991)

After publicly dropping the "M.C." from his stage name, Hammer released Too Legit to Quit (also produced by Felton Pilate) in 1991. Hammer answered his critics within certain songs from the album. Sales were strong (over five million copies), with the title track being the biggest hit single from this record. The album peaked in the Top 5 of the Billboard 200. Another hit came soon after, with "Addams Groove" (which appeared on both The Addams Family motion picture soundtrack and the vinyl and cassette versions of 2 Legit 2 Quit), reaching #7 in the U.S. and #4 in the UK. His video for the song appeared after the movie.

Hammer set out on a tour for this album, but the stage show had become as lavish as his lifestyle. Loaded with singers, dancers, and backup musicians, the supporting concert tour was too expensive for the album's sales to finance, and it was canceled partway through. In 1992, Boyz II Men joined Hammer's high-profile 2 Legit 2 Quit tour as an opening act. While traveling the country, their tour manager Khalil Roundtree was murdered in Chicago, and the group's future performances of "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" were dedicated to him. As a result of this unfortunate experience, the song would help advance their success.

Music videos were produced for all four singles released from this album (including "Do Not Pass Me By" and "This Is The Way We Roll"), all which charted. The "2 Legit 2 Quit" video featured many celebrity appearances. It's been ranked as one of the most expensive videos ever made. The hand motions used within the song and video also became very popular. The song proved to be successful in the U.S., peaking in the Top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100, at #5. Despite the album's multi-platinum certification, the sales were one-third of Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em.

At the end of the "2 Legit 2 Quit" video, after James Brown enlists Hammer to get the famous glove of Michael Jackson, a silver-white sequined glove is shown on the hand of a Michael Jackson look-alike doing the "2 Legit 2 Quit" hand gesture. In a related story, M.C. Hammer appeared on The Wendy Williams Show (July 27, 2009) and talked about his hit reality show Hammertime on A&E, his marriage, his role as a dad and the reasons he eventually went bankrupt. He told an amusing story about a phone call he received from "M.J.", regarding the portion of the "2 Legit 2 Quit" video that included a fake Michael Jackson, giving his approval and inclusion of it. He explained how Michael had seen the video and liked it, and both expressed they were fans of one another. Hammer and Jackson would later appear, speak and/or perform at the funeral service for James Brown in 2006.

During 1991, Hammer was featured on the single "The Blood" from the BeBe & CeCe Winans album, Different Lifestyles. In 1992, the song peaked at #8 on the Christian charts.

The artwork featured in the album was created by James B. Young and accompanying studios.

New venture with Oaktown/Giant Records (1992–1993)

In 1992, after a four-year hiatus, Doug E. Fresh joined with Hammer's label, Bust It Records and issued one album, Doin' What I Gotta Do, which (despite some minor acclaim for his single "Bustin' Out (On Funk)" which sampled the Rick James 1979 single "Bustin' Out") was a commercial failure.

Prior to Hammer's next album, The Funky Headhunter, rumors from critics and fans began claiming Hammer had quit the music/entertainment business or had suffered a financial downfall (since a couple of years were passing between his two records), which Hammer denied. Hammer claimed rumors falsely heralded his downfall were most likely a result of the fact he turned over his "trimmed-down" Bust It Records to his brother and manager Louis Burrell Jr., and his horse racing interests to his brother Chris and their father, Louis Burrell Sr.

During his hiatus between albums, Hammer consequently signed a multimillion-dollar deal with a new record company. He said there were a lot of bidders, but "not too many of them could afford Hammer". Therefore, Hammer parted ways with Felton Pilate (who had previously worked with the successful vocal group Con Funk Shun) and switched record labels to Giant Records, taking his Oaktown label with him. Hammer was eventually sued by Pilate. Additionally, Hammer launched a new enterprise, called Roll Wit It Entertainment & Sports Management, with clients such as Evander Holyfield, Deion Sanders and Reggie Brooks. In 1993, his production company released a hit rap song by DRS.

By this time, he also parted ways with his only female executive, music business administration consultant and songwriter, Linda Lou McCall (who previously worked with The Delfonics and her husband Louis A. McCall, Sr.'s band Con Funk Shun). She went on to work with artists such as Puff Daddy, Faith Evans, Notorious B.I.G, Mýa, Black Eyed Peas and Eminem. A music industry vet who attended Howard University's College of Fine Arts and the University of California-Davis School of Law, McCall was hired by Hammer's brother and manager, Louis K. Burrell, in 1990 to help set up his corporate operations and administration at Bust It Management and Productions Inc. in Oakland, California. She later became Vice President of Hammer's talent management company, overseeing artists like Heavy D, B Angie B and Ralph Tresvant. While at Bust It, she and her husband Louis A. McCall, Sr. brought their artist Keith Martin to Felton's attention who hired him as a backup musician and vocalist for Hammer's Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em and Too Legit to Quit world tours. In 1993 and 1994, Linda Lou was also involved in several lawsuits against Hammer which were eventually settled out of court.

With a new home and daughter, a new record soon to be released, and his new business, Hammer claimed he was happy and far from being broke during a tour of his mansion for Ebony. "Today there is a more aggressive Hammer, because the '90s require you to be more aggressive", Hammer said of his music style. "There is a harder edge, but I'm no gang member. Hammer in the '90s is on the offense, on the move, on the attack. And it's all good".

The Funky Headhunter and Prime Time (1994)

In 1993, Hammer began recording his fifth official album. To adapt to the changing landscape of hip-hop, this album was a more aggressive sounding album entitled The Funky Headhunter. He co-produced this record with funky rapper and producer, Stefan Adamek. While Hammer's appearance changed to keep up with the gangsta rap audience, his lyrics still remained honest and somewhat clean with minor profanity. Yet, as with previous records, Hammer would continue to call out and disrespect other rappers on this album. As with some earlier songs such as "Crime Story" (from the album Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em), the content and reality about "street life" remained somewhat the same, but the sound was different, resulting in Hammer losing favor with fans. Nonetheless, this harder-edged, more aggressive record went gold, but failed to win him a new audience among hardcore hip-hop fans.

In another appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show during the mid-1990s, Hammer debuted the video for "Pumps and a Bump". Talk show host Arsenio Hall said to M.C. Hammer, "Women in the audience want to know, what's in your speedos in the 'Pumps and a Bump' video?" A clip from the video was then shown, to much approval from the audience. Hammer didn't give a direct answer, but instead laughed. Arsenio then said, "I guess that's why they call you 'Hammer.' It ain't got nothin' to do with Hank Aaron."

The accompanying video to the album's first single, "Pumps and a Bump", was banned from heavy rotation on MTV with censors claiming that the depiction of Hammer in Speedos (and with what appeared to be an erection) was too graphic. This led to an alternative video being filmed (with Hammer fully clothed) that was directed by Bay Area native Craig S. Brooks.

"It's All Good" was the second single released, which would become a pop culture phrase as a result of its success. It was also the most successful song by this title. Within this album, Hammer disses rappers such as A Tribe Called Quest (Q-Tip), Redman and Run DMC for previous attacks they made against him on wax. This quite possibly led to a decrease in his popularity after this record responded to his critics.

On December 20, 1994, Deion Sanders released Prime Time, a rap album on Hammer's Bust It Records label which featured the minor hit "Must Be The Money". "Prime Time Keeps on Tickin'" was also released as a single. Sanders, a friend of Hammer's, had previously appeared in his "Too Legit to Quit" music video, and his alter-ego "Prime Time" is also used in Hammer's "Pumps and a Bump" video.

The song "Help Lord (Won't You Come)" appeared in Kingdom Come. This album peaked at number two on the R&B charts and remained in the Top 30 midway through the year. To date, it has managed to become certified platinum.

Inside Out, Death Row Records and Too Tight (1995–1996)

In 1995, Hammer released the album V Inside Out (or inside out V). The album sold poorly compared to previous records (peaking at 119 on the Billboard Charts) and Giant Records dropped him and Oaktown Records from their roster. Songs "Going Up Yonder" and "Sultry Funk" managed to get moderate radio play (even charting on national radio station countdowns).

Along with a fickle public, Hammer would go on to explain in this album that he felt many of his so-called friends he helped staff, used and betrayed him which contributed to a majority of his financial loss (best explained in the song "Keep On" and the bio from this album). He would also hint about this again in interviews, including The Ellen DeGeneres Show in 2009.

In 1995, Hammer released "Straight to My Feet" (with Deion Sanders) from the Street Fighter soundtrack (released in December 1994). The song charted #57 in the UK.

Hammer's relationship with Suge Knight dates back to 1988. Hammer signed with Death Row Records by 1995, then home to Snoop Dogg and his close friend, Tupac Shakur. The label did not release the album of Hammer's music (titled Too Tight) while he had a career with them, although he did release versions of some tracks on his next album. However, Burrell did record tracks with Shakur and others, most notably the song "Too Late Playa" (along with Big Daddy Kane and Danny Boy). After the death of Shakur in 1996, Burrell left the record company. He later explained his concern about this circumstance in an interview on Trinity Broadcasting Network since he was in Las Vegas with Tupac the night of his death.

Return to EMI and Family Affair (1996–1998)

In October 1996, Burrell and Oaktown signed with EMI, which saw the release of a compilation album of Hammer's chart topping songs prior to The Funky Headhunter. The album, titled Greatest Hits, featured 12 former hits. In 1998, another "greatest hits" album, called Back 2 Back Hits, was produced and released by CEMA. (Another compilation version of Back 2 Back was later released by Capitol Records in 2006.) As Hammer's empire began to collapse when his last album failed to match the sales of its predecessors, and since he unsuccessfully attempted to recast himself in the "streetwise/hardcore rap" mold of the day, Hammer turned to a gospel-friendly audience.

In 1998, M.C. Hammer released his first album in his new deal with EMI, titled Family Affair, because it was to introduce the world to the artists he had signed to his Oaktown Records (Geeman, Teabag, and Common Unity) as they made their recording debut. Technically his seventh album since his debut EP, this record was highly promoted on Trinity Broadcasting Network (performing a more gospel version of "Keep On" from his album V Inside Out), yet featured no charting singles and selling about 1,000 copies worldwide.

The album also features a song originally by 2Pac that was given to Hammer, which he did as a remake on this album, called "Unconditional Love". Hammer would later dance and read the lyrics to this song on the first VH1 Hip Hop Honors in 2004.

A double album mostly about faith and family values, additional tracks from Family Affair are: "Put It Down", "Put Some Stop in Your Game", "Big Man", "Set Me Free", "Our God", "Responsible Father Shout", "He Brought Me Out", (Geeman Intro), "Eye's Like Mine", "Never Without You", "Praise Dance Theme Song", "Shame of the Name", (Smoothout Intro), (Teabag Intro), "Silly Heart", "I Wish U Were Free", (Common Unity Intro), "Someone to Hold to You", "Pray" (1998), "Let's Get It Started" (1998), and with "Hammer Music/Shouts/Tour Info" announcements between songs. The compact disks are also "PC Ready" with interactive features.

After this album, new projects were rumored to be in the works, including an album (War Chest: Turn of the Century) and a soundtrack to the film Return to Glory: The Powerful Stirring of the Black Man, but neither appeared.

The Hits and Active Duty (2000–2001)

In 2000, another compilation album was released, titled The Hits. It contains 17 tracks from his first four albums.

Following the September 11, 2001 attacks, M.C. Hammer released his 8th studio album, Active Duty, on his own World Hit Music Group label (the musical enterprise under his Hammertime Holdings Inc. umbrella) to pay homage to the ones lost in the terrorist attacks. The album followed that theme, and featured two singles (with accompanying videos), "No Stoppin' Us (USA)" and "Pop Yo Collar" (featuring Wee Wee) which demonstrates "The Phat Daddy Pop", "In Pop Nito", "River Pop", "Deliver The Pop" and "Pop'n It Up" dance moves. The album, like its predecessor, failed to chart and would not sell as many copies as previous projects. Hammer did however promote it on such shows as The View and produced a video for both singles.

This patriotic album, originally planned to be titled The Autobiography Of M.C. Hammer, donated portions of the proceeds to 9/11 charities. Hammer shot a video for the anthem "No Stoppin' Us (USA)" in Washington, D.C., with several members of the United States Congress, who sang in the song and danced in the video. Present members of the United States House of Representatives included J. C. Watts, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Thomas M. Davis, Earl Hilliard, Alcee Hastings, Rep. Diane Watson (D-Calif.), Rep. Corrine Brown (D-Fla.) and Jesse Jackson, Jr.

Full Blast (2004)

After leaving Capitol Records and EMI for the second time in his career, M.C. Hammer decided to move his Oaktown imprint to an independent distributor and released his ninth studio album, Full Blast (which was completed in late 2003 and released as a complete album in early 2004). The album would feature no charting singles and was not certified by the RIAA. A video was produced for "Full Blast", a song that attacks Eminem and Busta Rhymes for previous disrespect towards him.

Some of the original songs didn't end up making the final album release. Guest artists included The Stooge Playaz, Pleasure, Rain, JD, Greer & DasIt.

Look Look Look and Platinum MC Hammer (2006–2008)

After going independent, Hammer decided to create a digital label to release his tenth studio album, Look Look Look. The album was released in February 2006 and featured production from Scott Storch. The album featured the title-track single (Look Look Look) and a music video. It would sell much better than his previous release (300,000 copies worldwide).

"YAY" was produced by Lil Jon. "What Happened to Our Hood?" (featuring Sam Logan) was originally from Active Duty. "I Got It From The Town" was used in the movie but is only present in one scene instead of the originally planned two on The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (soundtrack).

Between 2006 and 2007, Hammer released a military-inspired rap song with a political message to President George W. Bush about sending American troops back home from war, called "Bring Our Brothers Home". The video was filmed at the Santa Monica Pier.

In 2008, Platinum MC Hammer was released by EMI Records. The compilation consists of 12 tracks from Hammer's previous albums, with a similar playlist as former "greatest hits" records (with the exception of including a remix of "Hammer Hammer, They Put Me In A Mix" which includes rap lyrics that "They Put Me In A Mix" originally did not). An import was released by Capitol Records.

DanceJamtheMusic (2008–2009)

Since his 2006 album, Hammer continued to produce music and released several other raps that appeared on his social websites (such as Myspace and Dancejam.com) or in commercials, with another album announced to be launched in late 2008 (via his own record label Fullblast Playhouse). Talks of the tour and a new album were expected in 2009.

"Getting Back to Hetton" was made public in 2008 as a digital single. It was a departure for Hammer, bringing in funky deep soul and mixing it with a more house style. Released through licence on Whippet Digital Recordings, media reviews were said to be "disappointing". However, the song "I Got Gigs" from this album was used in a 2009 ESPN commercial and performed during Hammertime (as well as played while he danced just prior to introducing Soulja Boy during YouTube Live on November 22, 2008).

Other tracks and videos from the album included: "I Go" (produced by Lil Jon), "Keep It In Vegas", "Lookin' Out The Window", "Dem Jeans" (by DASIT), "Stooge Karma Sutra" (by The Stooge Playaz) and "Tried to Luv U" (by DASIT featuring Pleasure Ellis).

In March 2009, M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice had a one-off concert in the McKay Events Center, Orem, Utah. This concert aided in the promotion of Hammer's new music and television show. During the concert (as shown during an episode of Hammertime), it was mentioned between the two rappers that this was their first headline show together in nearly 20 years, since the time when they were touring together at the peak of their hip-hop careers. Hammer said: "Contrary to popular belief, Ice and I are not only cool with each other, we are like long lost friends. I've known him since he was 16, before he had a record contract and before I had a record contract. It is a great reunion." Vanilla Ice, real name Robert Van Winkle, said: "It's like no time has passed at all. We set the world on fire back in the day - it gives me goose bumps to think about. The concert wouldn't have been so packed if it wasn't us together. I'm so happy right now, the magic is here."

Most recent releases (2010–present)

Hammer has occasionally released singles over the past few years. Below are the most publicized:

"Better Run Run" (2010)

M.C. Hammer promised to release a track (expected on October 31, 2010) responding to a song by Kanye West featuring Jay-Z which attacked him. On the "So Appalled" track, which features Swizz Beatz and RZA, Jay-Z raps a verse targeting Hammer about his financial dilemma in the 1990s. On it Jay says: 'Hammer went broke so you know I'm more focused / I lost 30 mil' so I spent another 30 / 'Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can't hurt me'. Hammer addressed his displeasure about the diss on Twitter, claiming he will react to Jay-Z on Halloween.

Hammer released a sample of his "beef" with Jay-Z (aka 'Hell Boy' according to Hammer) in a brief teaser trailer called "Better Run Run" by 'King Hammer'. At one point, it was uncertain if his reaction would be a film video, a music video or a combination of both. Regardless, he claimed he would show evidence that 'Jigga worships the devil'. It's possible that Jay-Z was offended by an analogy Hammer was conveying in an earlier interview in response to "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)" on AllHipHop.

On November 1, Hammer's song with video called "Better Run Run!" hit the web in retaliation to Jay-Z's September 2010 diss towards him. M.C. accuses Jigga of being in league (and in the studio) with Satan—and then Hammer defeats the devil and forces Jay to be baptized. Speaking on the video, Jacob O'Gara of Ethos Magazine wrote: "What's more likely is that this feud is the last chapter in the tragic cautionary tale of M.C. Hammer, a tale that serves as a warning to all present and future kings of hip-hop. Keep your balance on the pedestal and wear the crown strong or you'll have the Devil to pay."

In an interview with BBC's DJ Semtex, Jay said he didn't mean the verses as a personal attack. "I didn't know that [Hammer's financial status] wasn't on the table for discussion!" he said. "I didn't know I was the first person ever to say that..." He continued, "When I say things, I think people believe me so much that they take it a different way — it's, like, not rap anymore at that point. I say some great things about him in the book I have coming out [Decoded] — that wasn't a cheap plug," he laughed. "He's gonna be embarrassed, I said some really great things about him and people's perception of him. But it is what it is, he took it that wrong way, and I didn't know I said anything wrong!"

"See Her Face" (2011)

On February 3, 2011, M.C. Hammer appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show premiering the track "See Her Face" via Flipboard. It was the first time Flipboard included music in the application.

"Raider Nation" and "All In My Mind" (2013–2014)

Hammer released "Raider Nation (Oakland Raiders Anthem)" along with a video in late 2013 and "All In My Mind" (which samples "Summer Breeze" by The Isley Brothers) in early 2014 with his newly formed group called Oakland Fight Club featuring Mistah F.A.B.

Additional business ventures

In 1991, M.C. Hammer established Oaktown Stable that would eventually have nineteen Thoroughbred racehorses. That year, his outstanding filly Lite Light won several Grade I stakes races including the prestigious Kentucky Oaks. His D. Wayne Lukas-trained colt Dance Floor won the Grade II Kentucky Jockey Club Stakes and the Breeders' Futurity Stakes in 1991, then the following year won the Fountain of Youth Stakes and finished 3rd in the 1992 Kentucky Derby. He continues to attend shows as well as many sporting events alongside celebrities.

Hammer had several costly videos, two in particular were "Too Legit to Quit" or "2 Legit 2 Quit" (which many celebrities appeared in) and "Here Comes the Hammer".

In the late 1990s into the early 2000s, along with a new clothing line called "J Slick", Hammer began creating and working on M.C. Hammer USA, an interactive online portal.

In 2002, Hammer signed a book contract with publishing company Simon & Schuster which called for a release the following year. However, a manuscript for an inspirational book called Enemies of the Father: Messages from the Heart on Being a Family Man (addressing the situation of African American men), for which Hammer received advance money to write, was never submitted in 2003. This resulted in Hammer being sued by the book company over claims that he never finished the book as promised. The company's March 2009 lawsuit sought return of the US$61,000 advance given to Hammer for the unwritten book about fatherhood.

Hammer was briefly somewhat of a popular web mogul and activist, becoming involved in several Internet projects (including TechCrunch40 conferences). In 2007, Hammer was co-founder and chief strategy officer of Menlo Park-based (Silicon Valley) DanceJam.com along with Geoffrey Arone. The community site (valued at $4.5 million) was exclusively dedicated to dancing video competitions, techniques and styles which Hammer sometimes judged or rated. After receiving $4.5 million in total equity funding, the site closed on 1 January 2011.

In July 2010, Hammer started a mixed martial arts management company to manage, market, promote, and brand-build for fighters such as Nate Marquardt, Tim F. Kennedy, and Vladimir Matyushenko, among others. According to MMAWeekly.com and Bizjournals, his new company is Alchemist Management in Los Angeles. It now manages 10 fighters. That same month, Hammer also announced his latest venture called Alchemist Clothing. The brand described as a colorful new lifestyle clothing line debuted during an Ultimate Fighting Championship fight in Austin. Middleweight fighter Nate "The Great" Marquardt wore an Alchemist shirt as he walked out to the ring. Hammer has shown an interest in boxing throughout his career.

On September 28, 2010, M.C. Hammer headlined at the TechCrunch Disrupt conference for an official after-hours party.

In October 2011, Hammer announced a new internet venture called WireDoo - a "deep search engine" that planned to compete with the major search engines including Google and Bing. With the motto, "Search once and see what's related", Hammer's team planned to eventually open up the site to a select number of beta testers. Wiredoo failed, having never left beta testing, and officially went offline in early 2012.

Television and film career

In addition to appearing in many television commercials, M.C. Hammer produced and starred in his own movie, Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie (1990). The film is about a rapper returning to his hometown who defeats a drug lord using kids to traffic his product. For this project, Hammer earned a Grammy Award for Best Long Form Music Video at the 33rd Grammy Awards (having been nominated for two). He later produced MC Hammer: 2 Legit (The Videos), which included many actors and athletes.

In 1991, Hammer hosted, sang/rapped and voiced a Saturday morning cartoon called Hammerman. That same year, he and Bust It Productions (including B Angie B, Special Generation and Ho Frat Hoo!) appeared in concert from New Orleans on BET.

Hammer has made cameos and/or performed on many television shows such as Saturday Night Live (as host and musical guest), Amen and Martin. He also made a cameo in the 1993 Arnold Schwarzenegger film Last Action Hero. Hammer would also go on to appear as himself on The History of Rock 'N' Roll, Vol. 5 (1995). Additionally, he has been involved in movies as an actor such as, One Tough Bastard (1996), Reggie's Prayer (1996), the Showtime film The Right Connections (1997), Deadly Rhapsody (2001), Finishing the Game (2007) and 1040 (2010), as well as a television and movie producer.

Despite public attacks about his financial status, after meeting at the National Association of Broadcasters convention in Las Vegas, Nevada in April 2001, it was Hammer (credited as a producer) who provided the much needed funding to filmmaker Justin Lin for Better Luck Tomorrow (2002). In its first ever film acquisition, MTV Films eventually acquired Better Luck Tomorrow after it debuted at The Sundance Film Festival. The director said, "Out of desperation, I called up MC Hammer because he had read the script and liked it. Two hours later, he wired the money we needed into a bank account and saved us."

Hammer appeared in two cable television movies. At the age of 39, he was one of the producers for the VH1 movie Too Legit: The M.C. Hammer Story, starring Romany Malco and Tangi Miller as his wife, which aired on December 19, 2001. The film is a biopic which chronicles the rise and fall of the artist. "2 Legit To Quit: The Life Story of M.C. Hammer" became the second highest-rated original movie in the history of VH1 and broadcast simultaneously on BET. "The whole script came from me," says Hammer, "I sat down with a writer and gave him all the information."

In 2003, Hammer appeared on The WB's first season of The Surreal Life, a reality show known for assembling an eclectic mix of celebrities to live together. He was also a dance judge on the 2003 ABC Family TV series Dance Fever. Additionally, he appeared on VH1's And You Don't Stop: 30 Years of Hip-Hop (2004) as well as in 100 Greatest Songs of the 90s (2008), a countdown which he was also commentator on. His eldest child, A'Keiba Burrell, was a contestant on MTV's Rock the Cradle in April, 2008 (which Hammer also made appearances on).

Hammer had shown an interest in having his own reality show with specific television networks at one point. Already being a part of shows for VH1 and The WB (I Married... M.C. Hammer and The Surreal Life), it was later confirmed he would appear in Hammertime on A&E Network in the summer of 2009. This reality show was about his personal, business and family life. The following year, Hammer appeared on Live with Regis and Kelly June 3, 2009 to promote his show which began June 14, 2009 at 10 PM EST.

In August 2008, a new ESPN ad featured Hammer in it, showcasing his single "I Got Gigs'" (from his DanceJamtheMusic album). The commercial was for Monday Night Football's upcoming football season. This is not the first commercial in more recent years that Hammer has been in, or his songs/raps/dancing was used for or included in. (i.e. Lay's, Hallmark Cards, Purell, Lysol, Nationwide Insurance, Citibank, etc.) On February 1, 2009, Hammer and Ed McMahon were featured in a Super Bowl XLIII commercial for Cash4Gold.com.

Along with Betty White, Hammer was a voice actor on the September 17, 2010 episode of Glenn Martin, DDS called "Step-brother".

M.C. Hammer's music has also been used in many television shows and movies, especially "U Can't Touch This", such as The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990), Hot Shots! (1990), The Super (1991), Doogie Howser, M.D. (1992), Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood (1996), Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003), Into the Wild (2007), Tropic Thunder (2008), Dancing with the Stars (2009), Glee (2010) and many more. Additionally, "This Is What We Do" was a 1990 track by Hammer (featuring B Angie B) for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film and soundtrack. Tracks "That's What I Said" and "Feel My Power" were used for the Rocky V film and soundtrack. Some examples of other raps by Hammer used in movies and television were "Addam's Groove" (The Addams Family), "Pray" (License to Wed), "2 Legit 2 Quit" (Hot Rod), "I Got It From The Town" (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift), "Help Lord, Won't You Come" (Kingdom Come), "Let's Go Deeper" (Beverly Hills, 90210) and "Straight to My Feet" (Street Fighter), among others.

In 2016, MC Hammer appeared as himself in an episode of Uncle Grandpa on Cartoon Network.

Dancer, choreographer and entertainer

M.C. Hammer's dance style not only helped pave the way for the Bay Area movement called Hyphy, but also helped to bring hip-hop and rap to the Bay Area. His dancing skills are still taught to this day. With his popular trademark Hammer Pants, one phenomenal difference from Hammer versus other performers during his heyday was that he was an entertainer, both during live shows and in music videos. His flamboyant dancing was as much a part of his performances as rapping and musical instruments were. With high-energy dance routines, he is often considered one of the greatest dancers. While adding his own techniques, Hammer adopted styles from James Brown and The Nicholas Brothers such as the splits, and feverish choreographed dance routines including leaps and slides, most notably. His creation of such dances as "Hammer Dance" (or the "Typewriter Dance"), "The Bump" (from "U Can't Touch This") and the use of "The Running Man" and the "Butterfly," among others, made his flashy and creative dance skills unlike any others at the time.

Hammer's showmanship and elaborate stage choreography, involving fifteen dancers, twelve backup singers, seven live musicians and two disc jockeys, gave him a powerful visual appeal. Hammer was the first rap artist to put together a choreographed show of this type, and his visual flair attracted heavy airplay for his videos on MTV, which at the time had a predominantly white viewership that had aired little rap music before Hammer.

During a 1990 visit from M.C. Hammer (accompanied by his friend Fab Five Freddy) on Yo! MTV Raps, one of the dancers whom Hammer was holding auditions for was a then-unknown Jennifer Lopez.

At the height of his career, Hammer had his legs insured for a substantial amount of money (into the millions), as mentioned in an interview by Maria Shriver in the early 1990s. He later suffered an injury to his knee that halted his dancing career for a period of time. Eventually, BET ranked Hammer as the 7th Best Dancer Of All Time. Some of Hammer's entourage, or "posse" as he called them, were also trained/skilled dancers (including Tiffany Patterson). They participated in videos and at concerts, yet too many dancers and band members eventually contributed to Hammer's downfall, proving to be too much for him to finance.

Hammer stayed active in the dance media/genre, both on television shows and as co-founder of DanceJam.com (which showcased dance competitions and instructional videos on all the latest dance styles) until he and his partner Geoffrey Arone sold it to Grind Networks. Well known for bringing choreography to hip-hop, many of his dancing skills can still be seen on dance-focused and social networking sites. "Dance is unlike any other social medium. It's the core of our culture", Burrell told Wired News.

In addition to his websites and other Internet appearances, Hammer has also appeared demonstrating much of his dancing abilities on talk shows such as The Arsenio Hall Show, Soul Train, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (performing O'Brien's famous "string dance" together as well), The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The View and was a dance judge on Dance Fever. On June 3, 2009, he performed the "Hammer dance" on Live with Regis and Kelly with Will Ferrell as co-host.

While Hammer may have challenged and competed with Michael Jackson during the height of his career, they were friends, proven by a phone call Hammer had with Jackson about his "Too Legit to Quit" video which he shared on The Wendy Williams Show (July 2009). Hammer wanted to ensure he was not offended by the ending of the video where a purported Michael Jackson (seen only from behind) does the "2 Legit 2 Quit" hand gesture with his famous glove. They also appeared together at the funeral service for James Brown in 2006, where Hammer danced in honor of The Godfather of Soul. After Jackson's death, Hammer posted his remembrance and sympathy of the superstar on Twitter. Michael's friend and fellow pop culture icon Hammer told Spinner that, "now that the King of Pop has passed, it's the duty of his fans and loved ones to carry Jackson's creative torch." He went on to say, "Michael Jackson lit the fuse that ignited the spirit of dance in us all. He gave us a song and a sweet melody that will never die. Now we all carry his legacy with joy and pride."

Bankruptcy, lawsuits and media reaction

Contrary to public rumor, Hammer claimed he was really never "down-and-out" as reported by the media (eventually expressed on The Opie & Anthony Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show in 2009). Originally having an estimated net worth of over $33 million according to Forbes magazine, speculations about Hammer's status first emerged during delays between albums Too Legit to Quit and The Funky Headhunter, with Hammer having spent much of his money on staff and personal luxuries. In addition to excessive spending while supporting friends and family, Hammer ultimately became $13 million in debt. With dwindling album sales, unpaid loans, a large payroll, and a lavish lifestyle, Hammer eventually filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Oakland, California on April 1, 1996. The case was converted to Chapter 7 on September 23, 1998, but Hammer was denied a bankruptcy discharge on April 23, 2002.

Hammer's mansion was sold for a fraction of its former price. "My priorities were out of order," he told Ebony. He claimed, "My priorities should have always been God, family, community, and then business. Instead they had been business, business, and business." Along with Felton Pilate and other group members, Rick James sued Hammer for infringement of copyright, but the suit was settled out of court when Hammer agreed to credit James as co-composer, effectively cutting James in on the millions of dollars the record was earning. By the late 1990s, though, Hammer seemed to stabilize himself and made himself ready to undertake new projects.

In 1992, Hammer had admitted in depositions and court documents to getting the idea for the song "Here Comes the Hammer" from a Christian recording artist in Dallas, Texas named Kevin Christian. Christian had filed a 16 million dollar lawsuit against Hammer for copyright infringement of his song entitled "Oh-Oh, You Got the Shing". This fact, compounded with witness testimony from both Hammer's and Christian's entourages, and other evidence (including photos), brought about a settlement with Capitol Records in 1994. The terms of the settlement remain sealed. Hammer settled with Christian the following year.

In 1997, just prior to beginning his ministry, M.C. Hammer (who by that time had re-adopted "M.C.") was the subject of an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show and the VH1 series Behind the Music (music from his album Inside Out V was featured in this documentary). In these appearances, Burrell admitted "that [he] had already used up most of [his] fortune of over $20 million, proving that money is nothing if it doesn't bring peace and if priorities are wrong". He would go on to express a similar point in other interviews as well.

During numerous interviews on radio stations and television channels throughout the years, Hammer was constantly questioned about his bankruptcy. For example, during an interview by WKQI-FM (95.5) for the promotion of his "Pioneers Of Hip Hop 2009" gig at the Fox Theatre (Detroit, Michigan) which featured 2 Live Crew, Naughty by Nature, Too Short, Biz Markie, and Roxanne Shanté, Hammer was asked about his finances by the Mojo in the Morning host. Hammer responded on Twitter that Mojo was a "coward" and threatened to cancel commercials for his upcoming show.

On November 21, 2011, the U.S. government filed a lawsuit in Federal District Court in California against Hammer to obtain a court judgment on his unpaid taxes for years 1996 and 1997. In December 2011, this litigation was reported in the media. Hammer owed the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) $779,585 in back taxes from his earnings dating back to 1996–1997 - during the years Hammer was believed to be facing his worst financial problems. After years of public and media ridicule regarding his financial problem, Hammer tried to assure fans and "naysayers" via Twitter, claiming that he had proof he had already taken care of his debt with the IRS. "700k … Don't get too excited .. I paid them already and kept my receipt. Stamped by a US Federal Judge", Hammer tweeted from his account @MCHammer. However, the District Court ruled against Hammer. He appealed but, on December 17, 2015, the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit rejected Hammer's argument that because the government had not listed those taxes in the government's proof of claim filed with the Bankruptcy Court, the government should be "estopped" from collecting the taxes.

Personal life

At the time of his first album, M.C. Hammer opened his own music management firm. As a result of the success of his third album, Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em, Hammer had amassed approximately US$33 million. US$12 million was used to build his Xanadu-like home in Fremont, California, 30 miles (50 km) south of where he grew up. Jet reported Hammer once employed 200 people, with an annual payroll of US$6.8 million. The estate was sold for $5.3 million after Hammer lived in it for six years.

Hammer currently resides in a large ranch-style abode situated on a two-acre corner lot in Tracy, California with his wife Stephanie of over 30 years (whom he met at a church revival meeting and married December 21, 1985). They have five children: three boys (Bobby, Jeremiah, Sammy) and two girls (Sarah, A'keiba), along with a nephew (Jamaris) and cousin (Marv) having lived with them. It was reported in July 2012, that Hammer was encouraged to marry Whitney Houston by her father at the Super Bowl in 1991.

Hammer frequently posts about his life and activities on his blog "Look Look Look", as well as other social websites such as Facebook, Myspace and Twitter (being one of the earliest celebs to contribute and join). A self-described "super geek" who's presently consulting for or investing in eight technology companies, Hammer claims to spend 10–12 hours daily working on his technology projects, and tweets 30-40 times a day.

M.C. Hammer returned to Oprah Winfrey's show in February 2011 to discuss his tech-media-mogul status, as well as his creation, demonstration and consulting of social applications/sites/media (such as having an involvement with the Internet since 1994, YouTube and Twitter), and devices such as iPad and ZAGGmate. He also explained again how employing/helping so many people in the past never really caused him to be broke in terms of the average person, as the media made it seem, nor would he have changed any experiences that has led him to where he is today. During the "Whatever Happened to M.C. Hammer" episode, he discussed his current home, family and work life as well.

Hammer was an endorser of the SAFE California Act, which if passed in November 2012, would have replaced the death penalty. However, the proposition was defeated.

Obstruction charges

M.C. Hammer was arrested on February 21, 2013 in Dublin, California for allegedly obstructing an officer in the performance of their duties and resisting an officer (according to "stop and identify" statutes). Hammer claims he was a victim of racial profiling by the police, stating an officer pulled out his gun and randomly asked him: "Are you on parole or probation?" Hammer stated that as he handed over his ID, the officer reached inside the car and tried to pull him out. Police in Dublin, east of Oakland, said Hammer was 'blasting music' in a vehicle with expired registration and he was not the registered owner. "After asking Hammer who the registered owner was, he became very argumentative and refused to answer the officer's questions," police spokesman Herb Walters typed in an e-mail to CNN. Hammer was booked and released from Santa Rita Jail in Dublin. A court date was scheduled, however, all charges were dropped in early March. Hammer tweeted that he wasn't bitter and considered what happened "a teachable moment."

Christian beliefs and pastoral ministry

In 1984, Burrell began attending Bible studies, joined a street ministry, and formed a gospel rap group known as the Holy Ghost Boys featuring Jon Gibson. In 1986, Burrell, along with Tramaine Hawkins, performed with Gibson's band doing several concerts at various venues such as the Beverly Theatre in Beverly Hills and recording several rap songs. They collaborated on Gibson's 1988 album (Change of Heart) for the gospel rap, "This Wall", prior to M.C. Hammer's mainstream success. This was contemporary Christian Music's first rap hit ever. Burrell also produced "Son of the King" at that time, releasing it on his debut album.

Raised Pentecostal, Hammer strayed from his faith during his success, before returning to ministry. His awareness of this can be found in a film he wrote and starred in called Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie (1990), in which he also plays the charismatic preacher character named "Reverend Pressure". Nonetheless, as a tribute to his faith, Hammer vowed/promised to dedicate at least one song on each album to God.

Hammer later reaffirmed his beliefs in October 1997, and began a television ministry called M.C. Hammer and Friends on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, as well as appearing on Praise the Lord programs where he went public about his devotion to ministry as an ordained minister. Hammer officiated at the celebrity weddings of actor Corey Feldman and Susie Sprague on October 30, 2002 (as seen on VH1's The Surreal Life), and also at Mötley Crüe's Vince Neil and Lia Gerardini's wedding in January 2005.

During an interview on TBN (between 1997 and 1998), Hammer claimed he adopted the "M.C." back into his name which now stood for 'Man of Christ'. Hammer continued to preach while still making music, running a social media business and television show, and devotes time to prison and youth ministries.

From 2009 to 2010, Hammer joined Jaeson Ma at a crusade in Asia. Minister and mentor to Ma for more than a decade, Hammer assisted and co-starred in his documentary film 1040, which explores the spread of Christianity throughout Asia.

Legacy and pop culture fame

Widely considered the first "mainstream" rapper, Hammer continues to entertain while sharing his legacy with other rappers (as cited on BET.com). Hammer became a fixture of the television airwaves and the big screen, with his music being used in many popular shows, movies and commercials still to this day. He also established a children's foundation, which first started in Hammer's own community, called Help The Children (HTC was named after and based on his song by the same name which included a music video with a storyline from his film Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie).

Hammer has also influenced the music industry as well as pop culture catchphrases and slang. Hammer's impression on the music industry appeared almost instantaneous, as Digital Underground's rap "The Humpty Dance," which was released when Hammer was still early in his career, included the lyrics "People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty!", boasting about Hammer's showmanship versus Humpty Hump (Shock G)'s inability to match it in dance.

Some critics complained of a lack of originality in Hammer's early productions. Entertainment Weekly described "U Can't Touch This" as 'shamelessly copying its propulsive riff from Rick James ("Super Freak"). Hammer admits, "When I look at Puffy with a choir, I say, 'Sure that's a take-off of what I do."

During his early career (80s and early 90s), Hammer would tour, perform and record with his hype man 2 Bigg MC or Too Big (releasing a song in which he claimed "He's the King of the Hype"). This duo introduced the "shiny suit" (and popularized Hammer pants) to mainstream America, as seen in videos such as "(Hammer Hammer) They Put Me In A Mix", in which Hammer also claimed Too Big was the "King of Hype", who was in an unspoken competition with Flavor Flav (hype man for Public Enemy) during the height of their careers.

Hammer appeared in major marketing campaigns for companies such as Pepsi, KFC, Toshiba and Taco Bell to the point that he was criticized as a "sellout". Hammer also did commercials for British Knights during the height of his career. The shoe company signed him to a $138 million deal.

In 1994, British TV presenter Mark Lamarr interrupted Hammer repeatedly with Hammer's catch phrase ("Stop! Hammer Time!") in an interview filmed for The Word, which he took in good humour. He claimed Hammer was a "living legend". It was also within this interview that Hammer explained the truth about his relationship with "gangsta rap" and that he was merely changing with the times, not holding onto his old image nor becoming a "hardcore gangsta". By some accounts, this change contributed to his decline in popularity.

In 2006, M.C. Hammer's music catalog (approximately 40,000 songs) was sold to the music company Evergreen/BMG for nearly $3 million. Evergreen explained that the collection was "some of the best-selling and most popular rap songs of all time." Speaking for Evergreen Copyrights, David Schulhof stated the songs "will emerge as a perfect fit for licensing in movies, television shows, and corporate advertising." According to VH1, "Hammer was on the money. Hit singles and videos like "U Can't Touch This" and "Too Legit To Quit" created a template of lavish performance values that many rap artists still follow today."

In March 2009, Ellen DeGeneres made plans for Hammer to be on her show (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) after he contacted her via Twitter.

Hammer continues to give media interviews, such as being a guest on Chelsea Lately (June 16, 2009), where he discussed his relationship with Vanilla Ice, his stint on The Surreal Life, his show Hammertime, his family, his mansion, about him being in shape, his positive financial status and other "colorful topics" (subliminal jokes) regarding his baggy pants.

In 2010, Rick Ross released "MC Hammer" from the Teflon Don album which samples Hammer's "2 Legit 2 Quit".

To celebrate Hammer's 50th birthday, San Francisco game maker Zynga offered up some recent player's Draw Something drawings from his fans. Other sources/services offered "props" on behalf of his special occasion and to show appreciation for his memorable persona/gimmicks used during the peak of his career.

In 2012, Slaughterhouse released a single called "Hammer Dance", along with a video. "Hammer Dance" was the lead single from the Welcome to: Our House album.

During the 2013 Oakland Athletics season, the "2 Legit 2 Quit" music video played on the Diamond Vision in between innings, usually during the middle of the 8th inning. The video featured prominent players from the San Francisco Bay Area's sports championships, such as former A's players Jose Canseco and hall of fame inductee Rickey Henderson.

Influences and impact

M.C. Hammer's impact in rap and entertainment has influenced and been influenced by such artists as: Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, James Brown, Prince, Michael Jackson, Kurtis Blow, Earth, Wind & Fire, Rick James, Doug E. Fresh (who joined Hammer's Bust It Records label in 1992 and issued the album Doin' What I Gotta Do with the track "Bustin' Out (On Funk)" sampling the Rick James single "Bustin' Out") & The Get Fresh Crew (Barry Bee and Chill Will), Run-D.M.C. and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.

Hammer was followed by related musicians: Will Smith, dc Talk, BB Jay, Diddy (aka "Puffy" or "Puff Daddy"), Young MC, B Angie B, M.C. Brains, MC Breed, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, C+C Music Factory, Mystikal, Bell Biv DeVoe, Kris Kross, Ho Frat Ho! and Oaktown's 357.

Award recipient, appearances and recognition

Throughout the years, Hammer has been awarded for his music, videos and choreography. He has sold more than 50 million records worldwide. He has won three Grammy Awards (one with Rick James and Alonzo Miller) for Best Rhythm and Blues Song (1990), Best Rap Solo (1990) and Best Music Video: Long Form (1990) taken from Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie. He also received eight American Music Awards, a People's Choice Award, an NAACP Image Awards and the Billboard Diamond Award (the first for a hip hop artist).

The International Album of the Year validated Hammer's talent as a world-class entertainer. Additionally, Hammer was also honored with a Soul Train Music Award (Sammy Davis, Jr. Award for Entertainer of the Year) in 1991. He has also been a presenter/performer at Soul Train's Music Awards several times, including The 5th Annual Soul Train Music Awards (1991), The 9th Annual Soul Train Music Awards (1995) and Soul Train's 25th Anniversary (1995).

Hammer appeared on gospel music's Stellar Awards show in 1997 and spoke of his renewed commitment to God. In the same interview, he promised to unveil the "second leg" of his career.

In the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards, Hammer made a surprise appearance in the middle of the show with best friend Jermaine Jackson.

On June 12, 2008, Hammer gave his support to Warren Beatty by attending the 36th AFI Life Achievement Awards. In August 2008, at the World Hip Hop Dance Championships, Hammer won a Living Legends of Hip Hop Award from Hip Hop International in Las Vegas.

Hammer, Gary Vaynerchuk, Shaquille O'Neal and Rick Sanchez (host) celebrated the Best of Twitter in Brooklyn at the first Shorty Awards on February 11, 2009, which honored the top short-form content creators on Twitter. In September 2009, Hammer made the "accomplishment appearance" in Zombie Apocalypse for the downloadable Smash TV/Left 4 Dead hybrid for the Xbox 360. Hammer attended the 2009 Soul Train Music Awards which aired on BET November 29, 2009.

On January 5, 2010, Hammer (along with Alyssa Milano and others) was a member of panel judges for the Real-Time Academy of Short Form Arts & Sciences at the Second Annual Shorty Awards. On October 2 (televised October 12), Hammer opened the 2010 BET Hip Hop Awards performing "2 Legit 2 Quit" in Atlanta along with Rick Ross, Diddy and DJ Khaled (all performing together during "MC Hammer" from the Teflon Don album as well).

With over 2.6 million Twitter followers in 2010, his contribution to social media and as a co-founder of his own Internet businesses (such as DanceJam.com), Hammer was announced as the recipient of the first Gravity Summit Social Media Marketer of the Year Award. The award was presented to him at the 3rd Annual Gravity Summit on February 22, 2011 at the UCLA Covel Commons.

At the 40th American Music Awards in November 2012, Hammer danced to a mashup of "Gangnam Style" and "2 Legit 2 Quit" along with South Korean pop star Psy, both wearing his signature Hammer pants. The collaboration was released on iTunes. The performance idea with Hammer came from Psy's management. They both performed it together again on December 31, 2012 during Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest.

Hammer received the George and Ira Gershwin Award for Lifetime Musical Achievement (not to be mistaken for the Gershwin Prize), presented during the UCLA Spring Sing in Pauley Pavilion on May 17, 2013.

Discography

Feel My Power (1986)

Let's Get It Started (1988)

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em (1990)

Too Legit to Quit (1991)

The Funky Headhunter (1994)

Inside Out (1995)

Too Tight (1996)

Family Affair (1998)

Active Duty (2001)

Full Blast (2004)

Look Look Look (2006)

DanceJamTheMusic (2009)

Wikipedia

#M.C. Hammer #03-30

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hercreativeprocess · 7 years ago

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Her Creative Process: Lauren Machen

Lauren Machen was raised in Minneapolis in a home immersed in the arts. She studied Art and Psychology at Macalester College and Textiles at Goldsmiths, University of London. She has worked as a Set Designer + Art Director for the past 8 years creating sets for Fashion, Music and Advertising. Clients include POP, Vogue Italia, Nowness, Rihanna, St. Vincent, Migos, Amazon, Google and Target among many others. Over the past year she has started to develop her own artwork which explores issues of race, identity and mental health.

How did you end up in your chosen career?

There's definitely a short and a long version of this, it has been a journey filled with humbling experiences and little angels along the way. I guess I'll give you the long version!

Ten years ago, I didn't know the career I have now was even an option. Although I come from a very artistic family, my midwestern roots had me thinking that art could only be a hobby or a plan B. I so badly wanted to make art my plan A but was fearful that I would fail so I wanted some sort of job security...but this thought was short lived and didn't really exist for me at the time.

When I finished undergrad in 2007 there were no entry level jobs like that to be had unless you were super lucky. I ended up slinging (resentfully, mindlessly, and sometimes hungover) jeans at Bloomingdale's for $12/hr at a place I like to call The Death Star aka The Mall of America. It wasn't glamorous, I felt trapped...very much like a hamster on a wheel, and the only thing that kept me going during this time were the little art projects I had going on. I was painting, making my own line of clothing and designing costumes for a local play.

After a year and a half I was depressed because I wasn't honoring myself artistically. So I packed everything up in my shitty red Toyota Corolla and drove to CA to live with a friend in Santa Cruz. I spent nine months there managing a hair salon and a beauty supply store, but there was nothing going on there beyond a party scene so I left and moved down to LA.

I landed in Hollywood and spent everyday (this is not an exaggeration) on Craigslist sending out emails for work. I found a job at a hair salon in Santa Monica for $10/hr and worked nights so that I could give the photo industry a try during the day. I seriously had zero dollars. I basically spent what I made on gas getting out to SM! I interned at various places and then got lucky and started to assist a wardrobe stylist and make some money. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was in the wrong department. I wanted to build things.

I started watching set designers on the jobs I was on and asking questions. I also picked up work at a design / build firm as a fabricator helping them do large installs. I also was making a few custom accessories for some fashion spreads and musicians, with huge thanks to the well-connected stylist I was assisting.

After a bit I realized that you can't fake being a set designer. There's no sort of faking it ‘till you make it because it's the type of job that requires experience and tons of foresight in order to do it well. I stopped doing wardrobe and started to assist an amazing set designer. I worked for two years with him and learned so much. During that time I was doing my own jobs and then slowly started to build up my business. There were many gaps and I definitely used credit cards to survive. Sometimes jobs can take 3 months to pay, which is terrifying for someone living paycheck to paycheck.

Fast forward four years and I now have a successful business as a set designer.

When do you feel most creative? Be it a time of day, particular season, or after a really great taco.

I feel most creative in the summer and when I've given myself some time out in nature. I love the sunshine, it makes me feel free and happy which encourages my brain to wander and investigate creative questions and urges. Also because it's light until like, 9 pm, it makes me way more productive. In the winter I'm more prone to be in bed early with my Netflix on.

Where is your favorite place to create, and why?

I don't know if I have a favorite place. I like all places, it just depends on what I'm working on. Obviously my studio is where I do a lot of it but sometimes the wild and crazy colors of props from past jobs make my eyes hurt. So I like to be at home where the palette is neutral and warm and it's quiet. A large part of what I do is about collaboration with other artists, the lovely people I get to be on set with. So creating with them on set is always a joy for me. I learn so much and love the spontaneity of it all.

Is there anything special you like to eat, watch, or listen to while you make things?

Music is so important in my life, so I always am playing something either on the record player or if I'm at my desk or studio, from a music app. Something that makes me feel nostalgic, intellectual (I mean this in a joking way, like classical music), trance-like, or upbeat like I'm at the best dance party; this is my go-to. Also water, water, water.

Typically, what does your creative process look like?

Lots of research and time is spent in front of the computer when I begin a project. I pull reference images and design in Sketchup. I don't think I was made for sitting for long periods so sometimes this can be hard for me. But I've learned to deal by taking breaks. Dance and kundalini yoga are great energy recyclers. I'm my best self when I've exerted and moved around my energy. I also find that when I'm focused on my body and breath that my mind and subconscious are working behind the scenes on the creative.

If I'm prepping I spend a lot of time in my car shopping for props and furniture at the prop houses and retail stores. If I don't have a commissioned project going on I have a whole stack of ideas that I've written down in my notes to investigate. Then I head to the studio to play it out to see if it's still interesting to me to push further.

Who and what are you inspired by?

Without sounding cheesy I really am inspired by all the people in my life. Each with their own unique voice, perspective, and approach to life. Visually I'm inspired by things in nature. Famous and not so famous furniture designers, painters, photographers, movies, architects, creatives, and other set designers. We are all a part of a huge collective of folks who just want to make stuff and share it. I also find inspiration in the materials I use, found objects at thrift stores, wide open spaces, and my own past struggles and the larger human struggle surrounding issues of race, identity, and mental health.

How do you get past creative block?

See creative process answer. Also I think going for a long-ass hike that's so physically exhausting it gets me out of my head and obsessive thoughts. Also, doing something for someone else, and listening to a podcast while on a walk.

How do you deal with perfectionism, self-doubt, and comparison?

Ugh, perfectionism. As Americans and as human beings we have been groomed to put pressure on ourselves to always strive to be perfect or the best. So it's sort of ingrained in our society. Because of this we compare, gauge, and judge ourselves in relation to others and the minute we do that we doubt ourselves. Social media can be hurtful if you're not careful.

Spending too much time or putting too much emphasis on this stuff can be super detrimental to your own development as your best self and as a creative person. I struggle with this, like we all do, but I remind myself that those are hurts I am putting on myself which I have control over. So I take a deep breath and try to reroute my thinking. Also I feel like a good exercise for this is to name all the things you’re grateful for; it's a good way to ground yourself back in reality. Try doing it while smiling.

Do you have any tips for someone who wants to do what you do (and be really good at it)?

Reach out to people whose work you find inspiring and ask them to coffee. Don't take a no-response personally if you're reaching out to someone for the first time. I guarantee that person is just super busy with work and the email probably got buried. So try again. Be persistent and intentional with your energy. Assist, assist, assist...you'll be a better boss. Familiarize yourself with the prop houses around LA and what's in them.

What are you working on now, and what’s coming up next?

Right now I have an installation up at an event called House of Peroni in NY curated by one of the musicians I work with. The show is also coming to LA later this month. My husband and I just finished co-directing our first project together: a dance film for the launch of a new magazine coming out this winter celebrating women of color. We are doing all the post work on that now.

I think I've already done double the amount of work I did last year and we still have three months left of it so right now I am also taking some time to focus on my family and hoping to seek more of a balance between work and home life so I can stay grounded, be present for my loved ones, and have some chill time for myself.

CONNECT WITH LAUREN:

Website | Instagram

#set design #prop styling #photoshoot #creativity #creative process #creative women #her creative process #photography #music video #interview #st. vincent #grimes #art direction #the future is female

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placetobenation · 7 years ago

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*** Scott & JT’s Vintage Vault Refresh reviews are a chronological look back at WWE PPV and TV history that began with a review of WrestleMania I. The PICs have revisited these events and refreshed all of their fun facts that provide insight into the match, competitors and state of the company as well as their overviews of the match action and opinions and thoughts on the outcomes. In addition, Jeff Jarvis assists in compiling historical information and the Fun Facts in each of the reviews. Also, be sure to leave feedback on the reviews at our Facebook page. Enjoy! ***

Monday Night Raw #102

March 13, 1995 Memorial Civic Auditorium Stockton, CA Announcers: Vince McMahon & Jim Cornette

Fun Fact: On the day of this Raw taping, Brian “Crush” Adams was arrested when narcotics officers found anabolic steroids, marijuana, and unregistered semi-automatic weapons in his home. Adams was subsequently fired from the WWF as a result of this arrest.

1) The Headshrinkers and Jacob & Eli Blu wrestle to a double count out at 8:00

Fun Fact: The Headshrinkers are replacing Bob Holly and the 1-2-3 Kid in this match due to the Kid sustaining a concussion the night before in a match in Anaheim, CA against Hakushi.

Scott: The New Headshrinkers are replacing the 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly here, apparently because they were “stuck in traffic”. I don’t know if that’s an inside joke or what the deal is, but honestly I think this could be a better match. They keep talking about something like a “big storm outside” and they are stuck in it. I like how Vince has loosened up the whole tuxedo thing and is wearing more business casual clothing. Jim Cornette has become the “almost” permanent co-host with Vince and for the most part they’ve had good chemistry. I guess there’s major flooding in northern California at that time and it’s causing havoc. This match has been the usual big man team clunky match, including Uncle Zebekiah getting involved. Man, I love Dirty Dutch. His Memphis stuff was fantastic, including a great 1982 Barbed Wire match with Jerry Lawler. This auditorium in Stockton has a different feel to it, as the crowd seems further away and the background area is darker than in other places. A bizarre ending here and both teams started brawling outside and we get a double countout. I kind of didn’t get that, but whatever. The match was what it was for power tv wrestling. Grade: *

JT: Hey we are finally back live for this week’s edition of Monday Night Raw! Vince McMahon and Jim Cornette have the call for us as we emanate from the west coast for the first time in Raw history! We are also just weeks away from WrestleMania XI and hopefully more of the card will be in place by the time we wrap up tonight. Our opening bout here in Stockton is a battle of bruising tag teams that are looking to assert themselves as potential contenders for the Smoking Gunns. As the Headshrinkers head to the ring, Vince notes that they are replacing Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid who were delayed in traffic and couldn’t make it in time. He also mentions that Holly is gearing up for a big race soon, representing the WWF racing team. The Blus and Uncle Zeb head out as well as Cornette says this is the first time the Blus are meeting a team as crazy as they are. We get some discussion about Action Zone where Men on a Mission snapped and beat down the Smoking Gunns after a Tag Title match loss. Cornette makes note that neither Afa nor Lou Albano are in the house tonight but Zeb is and that could be a key factor in the match. Vince says they are stuck in traffic due to the storm as well. We open with Jacob and Fatu laying in some heavy blows on each other but Fatu eventually overpowers with a headbutt and some boots. Sionne tags in and we get some double team offense but Jacob eventually fights back and tags in Eli, who clubs away. The crowd is pretty into the Samoans here as Sionne comes back with a clothesline. Jacob buries a knee in Sionne’s back from the apron, allowing Eli to clothesline him over the top and and to the floor. Jacob laid in some boots on the floor and pitched Sionne back inside. The Blus whacked him with a stiff double boot and Eli continued to press with some heavy strikes and then a powerslam for two. Sionne started to make a comeback but during a break, he got leveled on the floor and knocked back into the clutches of Jacob chinlock. Sionne fends off Jacob but the twins pull the old switcharoo when the referee was distracted. Fatu tried to get involved but that backfired as Cornette says the Headshrinkers are directionless without their leadership. Sionne eventually landed a powerslam and tagged in Fatu, who came in hot. He mowed through both twins and danced a bit along the way. Eventually things broke down further with all four men brawling on the floor, leading to an eventual double count out. Well, that a surprisingly feisty little hard hitting brawl. They really worked a crisp little pace and laid in some hard offense on each other throughout that one. I thought Fatu’s house of fire segment was well done too. If there was more of a focus on the tag division here, these teams continuing a feud into Mania may have actually worked. But alas, we are currently slogging through a stretch where nobody does much of anything at this level of the card. Grade: *1/2

*** Vince McMahon and Jim Cornette run through the members of Lawrence Taylor’s All Pro Team: Carl Banks, Chris Spielman, Ricky Jackson, Ken Norton, Jr., Reggie White and Steve McMichael. We then hear comments from McMichael, who announces he will be at Raw next week to confront Kama. Next we visit with Bam Bam Bigelow and the Million Dollar Team to rant about Taylor and the members of the All Pro Team. And finally we hear from former football and wrestling star Ernie Ladd, who gives his opinion on the big WWF vs. NFL war and doesn’t think Taylor’s chances are very good but he will do what he can to help him out. ***

2) Jeff Jarrett defeats Barry Horowitz via submission with the figure four at 4:40

Scott: So, has Barry Horowitz somehow turned babyface? He gets a pre-match interview and is facing a heel? This is strange, and Cornette is actually saying that Horowitz is conferring with Razor Ramon? I guess Vince is deciding that this guy has spent many years getting the crap kicked out of him by every superstar that’s passed through in the last 11 years, and now with the roster fairly thin perhaps another plucky underdog needed to be pushed. To Jarrett’s credit, the Intercontinental Champion is taking a decent beating but eventually hooks the Figure Four for the victory. Grade 1/2*

JT: We head back to the ring as Jeff Jarrett is slated to take on Barry Horowitz. As Double J hits the ring we actually get an inset promo from Horowitz, who talks about how confident he is tonight because he has been chatting with Razor Ramon. Horowitz shrugs off his record and seems prepped for a potential upset here tonight. After a break, Horowitz hits the ring but Jarrett attacks him at the bell and starts beating him around as Vince notes that Barry has never notched a win in the WWF. Barry does get a few flashes of offense in, even grabbing some near falls until Jarrett hits the deck to gather his bearings. Vince tells us that Double J will be defending his IC title against Ramon at WrestleMania, so another match is on the docket. Jarrett takes over the match and hammers away at Horowitz as Cornette talks about Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee and Shawn Michaels. Horowitz makes a nice little comeback and works the arm before catching the champ with a knee lift. Unfortunately, Horowitz tweaked his knee as he landed and Jarrett pounced, landing a few blows before hooking the figure four for the win. This was a neat little match and I dug the story of focusing on Barry trying to get that elusive win. Jarrett did well in there playing to the story as well. Double J gets the win and heads to Mania to defend the gold. Grade: 1/2*

*** We revisit Superstars from a few weeks ago when Bret Hart cost Jerry Lawler a battle royal win and then hear from the Hitman, who is tired of the King’s antics and is ready to finally finish him off for good. ***

*** Todd Pettengill is on the scene with this week’s WrestleMania XI Report as the show is just three weeks away and will emanate from Hartford, CT. Here are the matches discussed:

Lawrence Taylor w/ All Pro Team vs. Bam Bam Bigelow w/ Million Dollar Team Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels – WWF Title Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund – I Quit Match Razor Ramon vs. Jeff Jarrett – WWF Intercontinental Title Smoking Gunns vs. Owen Hart & Mystery Partner – WWF Tag Team Titles Lex Luger & British Bulldog vs. Jacob & Eli Blu

Here are the celebrities announced for the show as well: Salt-N-Pepa (rapping LT to the ring), Pamela Anderson (escorting Shawn Michaels), Nicholas Turturro (ring announcer), Jonathan Taylor Thomas & Jennifer McCarthy (timekeeper).

That’s the full deal as of now so call your cable company today! ***

3) Jerry Lawler defeats Bret Hart via count out at 5:36

Fun Fact: The Lawler/Hart feud has been brewing for over a year and a half at this point and on the last Raw, this match was billed as the conclusion to the feud, which it won’t be. Lawler called in on that episode and called Hart a racist, which will play into tonight’s match.

Scott: A feud that started back in June 1993 is still raging, and this one jumps right out of the gate as Lawler jumps Bret as he’s getting into the ring. Due to the whole Japanese racism aspect of the storyline, Women’s Champion Bull Nakano comes out with Lawler and as the match progresses, Hakushi and his manager Shinja come out to the runway to observe the battle. While this match is going on, Vince says that Barry Horowitz is looking for a rematch with IC Champion Jeff Jarrett. So they really are pushing this career jobber. There’s chicanery outside as Nakano accidentally boots Lawler in the face, but she redeems herself by grabbing Bret’s leg outside and not letting him get back into the ring. So Lawler wins the match by countout, but afterwards Bret lays the wood to the King before Lawler departs. A decent little affair that clearly has no end in sight. Grade: *

JT: We are heading back down to the ring for our final match of the evening and it is a big one, a big time grudge match for a feud that has been raging for 18 months. Jerry Lawler saunters out first and he is accompanied by Bull Nakano to prove that he is a friend to the Japanese. After a break, Bret Hart storms to the ring and the two start trading blows before the bell even sounds. Hart hammers away both in and out of the ring as he unloads two years of anger and hate on the King. Bret continues to pummel Lawler as Cornette backs up the King’s claims of racism against the Hitman, using Bull’s presence as evidence. As the match edges along we catch a glimpse of Bob Backlund looking on from the crowd, studying his WrestleMania opponent. Lawler has had zero openings for any sort of offense as Bret is just laying the wood with an aggressive pace. The tide finally tuned when Hakushi and Shinja showed up in the aisle, distracting Hart and allowing the King to clobber him to the floor. After a break, the King was in control, fending off “Burger King” chants as he worked over the Hitman. Bret turned things around and started right into his finishing sequence until he punched the King right over the top rope. Nakano got involved here but ended up kicking Lawler by accident. As Hart stalked Nakano, Lawler rolled in the ring to safety. However, Nakano dove to the floor and hooked Hart’s foot, pinning him on the ground and causing him to lose via count out. As Lawler sat stunned, Bret chased Bull to the aisle, where she parked behind Hakushi and Shinja. Instead, Hart turned around and beat on the King to unleash his frustration. The King eventually escaped and scampered to his crew, where he stopped to celebrate his win. This was pretty solid and I liked all the chaos surrounding Bret, who is fighting off all sorts of opposition now. I dug Nakano being in the mix here too and she was pretty good in her role, especially at the end when she hid behind Hakushi and mocked Hart with a playful wave. It looks like the Hitman is going to have a tough time focusing on Backlund as he also has to deal with Lawler and his contingent from Japan. Grade: **

*** Vince McMahon is with Jeff Jarrett, Roadie and Barry Horowitz at ringside. Horowitz has demanded a rematch for next week and Jarrett accepts and offers to put the IC Title on the line as well. Horowitz is about to sign the contract but Bob Backlund shows up, yanks Horowitz away and signs his name instead. Jarrett freaks out as we fade off the air. ***

Final Analysis

Scott: After dawdling for weeks with only two matches on the card Vince finally fills things out and we are ready for April 2 in Hartford. Jeff Jarrett has been on a strong push since arriving and even though he may not have been wrestling every week he was on with various promos & vignettes. Now as the IC Champion he’s really being pushed even harder. The Jerry Lawler vs. Bret Hart feud just moves on and on, without there ever really being a conclusion. This Barry Horowitz face turn is a bit unsettling since I’ve known him as a heel jobber for over six years. With the show being live it always adds a nice touch even if it is only once every few weeks. The Road to Wrestlemania is fully stocked and let’s head there! Final Grade: B-

JT: Well it seems like business is finally picking up as we careen toward WrestleMania. The puzzle pieces are all in place and we are actually focusing on things besides the top two matches. The opening tag was an aimless brawl but a fun one. The Jarrett/Horowitz match told a neat story and I love how they used that story to pivot into a surprising Jarrett vs. Bob Backlund title match next week. That sort of show long storytelling has been missing for a while here on Raw. Finally, the Hart vs. Lawler feud has been reignited in a big way and has expanded to include a host of others. It is a good way to keep the Hitman busy while he is away from the WWF Title… for now, anyway. Based on the commentary and WrestleMania Report, it also seems like the company is really using the weekend shows to push stuff along too again, which is a good tough. The way they talked about it makes you want to follow up with the next Action Zone as well. We did lack a marquee matchup but I thought the storylines and commentary carried the load this week. Plus the live atmosphere helped as well, as always. See you next week! Final Grade: B-

#IFTTT #Place to Be Nation

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mapstudiodesign-blog · 7 years ago

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