#i was told i was cute very many times today and i need constant validation so yeah good day lol

[killerchickadee]

Yesterday

Today

@eightertrek "likes to take candids" and I usually look fucking awful in them, but this is a fucking amazing picture

I'm cute

The end

[bluebellwriting]

Love Me Tender Part 5

Walking down the street is harder without your own personal Radio Demon parting the crowd for you, but you make do as you near your sister’s boutique. At first you wanted to be alone, but that’s kind of hard in the most crowded place in the universe, and as you continued on your mindless walk through the Pentagram you realized that being alone might not be the best thing. What you needed right now was a hug and someone to tell you that you deserved far more than whatever Alastor could give you. You couldn’t be alone with your thoughts right now.

The neon from Molly’s sign hurts your eyes from a block away, and like moths to a flame shoppers flock towards the pink light. Molly’s Miracles is the place for those in Hell with an eclectic style and a preference for the sexy. It’s very rare that you find yourself actually stopping by for a reason other than checking in on your sister, but that excuse will have to do for now.

Just like the sign, the amount of glossy white furniture and sequined clothing forces you to blink and adjust your eyes. There aren’t too many people inside, thankfully, just a moth demon posing for her friend in a red dress with the deepest v you’ve ever seen. Not your thing, but the friends cheer and squeal at the sight of it, so Molly must know her clientele quite well. 

“(Y/N)?” Molly emerges from the back, her arms full of some green, glittery fabric. She all but drops them on the checkout counter so that she can properly engulf you in a hug. It’s scary how fast she can traverse a room with all those legs, but your desperation for a proper hug is too great to be startled right now. 

“I didn’t know you were coming by today!”

“I just,” you sniff, “wanted to check up on my baby sister.”

“Aww that’s so sweet!” She squeals. “But I thought you were out with a certain you-know-who? Is he here?”

You shuffle out of her arms and embrace yourself with your own.

“Who told you that?”

“Angie did. Text me this morning that you too had a little date,” she coos.

Of course Angel would find a way to blindly inform your sister about your love life. Except that it wasn’t your love life. Just life. Normal, regular, loveless life. 

“He just happened to have some business to attend to at Rosie’s at the same time as me.”

“But he walked you there.” 

“Molly--”

“And he didn’t have to! But he did! That is so cute!”

“It’s really not, Molly,” you grumble and move deeper into the store. You trail your fingers through the silks and tulle, pretending to be interested in something from the wracks when you and Molly know there’s only ever one article in the store at a time that you would actually wear.

“You okay, hun?” She trails you through the store.

“I’m fine, Mol. Just fine. I made a great deal today, dad will be really happy. Things are going well at the hotel.” You turn to her with a sigh, hoping with expulsion of breath you will also rid you of the sobs bubbling up in your throat.

It works for a minute.

“I’m fine. I’m doing fine.” Your voice cracks at the end and Molly rushes you again, except this time you’re also being surrounded by the moth demon and her friends who apparently can’t mind their own business.

“Oh sweetie, did he hurt you?” The moth asks.

“Men are fucking pigs!” One of her friends -- a wolf -- cries.

As these complete strangers surround you with man-hating indignation, Molly rubs your back and strokes your hair.

“I-It’s okay. It’s just a guy,” you gasp.

“That’s right, it is just a guy. You don’t need him and his nasty ass.” Another friend -- a blowfish -- says as the rest of the friends and your sister release you from their grasp but remain in a circle around you like some Sisterhood Against the Radio Demon.

Oh, if only they knew that was the man they were bad mouthing right now. Actually, you kind of wish Alastor was here right now. You’d pay money to see his reaction to the Sisterhood calling his ass “nasty.” Probably confusion, mostly.

"You know what you need,” Molly chimes in. “A new outfit!”

The friends cheer and you really wish you could just melt into the clothing racks. They’re all sweet, impossibly so, for helping out a complete stranger just because of the universal experience known as “guy problems.” But the last thing you want is to be surrounded by eyes scrutinizing your body in new clothing. Your heart feels like it’s about to implode in on itself and if one person says anything about your love handles or your back fat you are definitely going to ignite this entire city block on fire.

“Molly, that really isn’t necessary--”

“I know the perfect thing! You just head back into the changing room,” she says, making her way to a shelf of silk blouses. Your eyes dart to the door, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Molly.

“Don’t. You Dare.” Her eyes flash a brief red, so you shuffle over to the changing rooms.

---

Alastor sits in Rosie’s office, well, it’s more like he’s lying down on her chez, moaning towards the ceiling, and clutching his gift to you tightly as if it were the last piece of you he had left.

Rosie watches him from her desk, looking wholy unimpressed by this display from the all-powerful Radio Demon.

“Why did I even--”

“I don’t know, Alastor.”

“I never should have--”

“No, you shouldn’t have. As intelligent as you are, dear Alastor, you can be exceptionally dumb.”

Letting out another long whine, he grips the gift box harder and rolls over onto his side. He’s an Overlord. He should not be debasing himself like this in polite company. Or anyone’s company for that matter. But this is Rosie, who was for so long the only person in the history of human existence who he could trust with his truest emotions. But even this exhibitionary indulgence is a new milestone in their relationship, one he wasn’t even ready to take right now. He can’t help it though. Not when his heart feels like it’s being gripped and twisted between two fists. Not when his stomach has taken on this horrible, aching feeling, as if he’s being repeatedly kicked there. 

The worst part is the empty feeling that has been growing deeper and wider since you left him at Rosie’s. For so long now it’s been just this nagging little spot that formed when you first met, situated in the center of his chest, reminding him that he no longer owns the piece of himself that once filled it. You do. And as long as you were with him, close to him, that hole stayed the same, was comforted by its close proximity to its missing piece. But now you were gone, and the hole has become so gaping and so hollow without you, with the thought of truly losing you forever.

“You could always go find her,” Rosie implores, shoving away the paperwork she’s fruitlessly been trying to complete.

“She said she wanted to be alone,” he moans. 

“And since when were you one to respect others’ personal space?” She doesn’t get a response. He just rubs his face deeper into her chez, ruining the fabric with his blubbering. Part of her wants to relish the sight of her egotistical, maniacal, normally heartless friend reduced to a weepling in front of her. But the bigger part of her just really wants to get back to her work and Alastor’s need for validation is in direct conflict of that. 

“Alastor,” she sighs, “I know she wanted to be alone, but honestly, this might be an appropriate time for you to tell her how you feel. Or at least to try and remedy the situation a tad.”

Alastor sits up, shoulders hunched.

“Really?”

“Yes, you emotionally obtuse oaf. Go! Be romantic! Be spontaneous!” Get the Hell out of my office, she wants to add. 

Rosie goes over to him and all but yanks him off the chez. She places a jovial arm around his shoulders but is shoving him quickly through her store, past her girls, and outside.

“Good luck, darling!” She calls as she pushes him onto the street. He whips around, eyes briefly flashing her his radio dials but her motherly wave quickly reminds him of the task at hand. 

The dials disappear but he shoots her an uncharacteristic glare before he puts on his smile. He summons a shadow to traverse the Pentagram in search of you. As his shadow wiggles off, he begins his stroll through the streets roughly in the direction you were heading.

---

Molly brings you a red silk blouse and a red and black plaid pencil skirt. They seem modest enough but you dread the way the skirt will make your curves look, the lumps and thickness it will accentuate. The blouse is nice though, if not a bit tight around the stomach, but it makes your chest look amazing. You try looking for the flared skirt you came in with, but not so mysteriously, your clothes seem to be missing. Thanks, Molly. 

You have two options now. Go out into the store in front of strangers and in front of the giant windows Molly has in the front, or squeeze into the skirt, suffer through it for five minutes, and then demand your clothes back.

Once you actually have the skirt on it’s not... that bad. It digs into your waist just a tad, making your back straighten to make breathing easier. The fabric is thick, wool-like, but soft to the touch. It comes to your knees, probably the only skirt in the store that does so, and much to your surprise, it smooths out every piece of pudge even without tights. You look at yourself in the mirror and you look... lovely. Elegant, with a hint of sexy that looks good on you for once. 

Peaking your head out of the room, you see Molly and the group of friends -- Ramona, Hugh, Paul, and Chandler, you’ve since learned -- eagerly eyeing the dressing rooms. They’re all sitting on the pink, crushed velvet couch Molly has set up for shoppers, their knees bouncing with anticipation. 

You move your body out inch by inch, as if to step out of the room too quickly would cause your body to burst into flames. The closer you get to the main room, the hotter your body burns with embarrassment, the harsher the feeling of invisible eyes feel on you. You know that Molly won’t tease you, that she is a constant purveyor of how naturally gorgeous you are. But somewhere in the back of your head, the harsh words of your mother hammer away. You can just imagine that Ramona and Hugh and Paul and Chandler and whoever peaks through Molly’s windows will have some awful things to say. It wouldn’t be anything new, you’ve heard it all. Doesn’t mean you want to keep hearing it.

Molly spots your hair poking out of the doorway and squeals. Your “new friends” squeal in response and then it’s just a chain reaction of everyone squealing and cheering at you. You creep further into the room and Molly pushes you the rest of the way onto the fitting pedestal. 

“Do a twirl!” Molly yells and the rest of them start chanting until you do, in fact, twirl on the pedestal. More squealing. Their joy and support become infectious, and slowly you pull your arms away from their place shielding your stomach. 

You look head on at the three full length mirrors set up opposite the couch, you don’t shy away. You’re loving how you look in this moment, you find it impossible to fixate on the lumps and bumps anymore. It feels as though you made to look like this, still so completely you and yet as beautiful as you always wished you felt. It’s perfect now.

“Go off, girl!” Chandler yells.

“Your man is going to wish he had you back,” Hugh cheers.

“If he bothers you again you call us and we’ll all beat his ass,” Ramona says and her friends whoop in agreement.

Behind you, you can hear the jingle of the bell hanging from the door. Raising your head to stare at the door through the mirror, (e/c) eyes meet glowing red ones, wide with shock. He has a sheepish smile, not all teeth like his “going out” smile, but just as wide. He has that damn box in his hands, his claws tapping the sides. 

Everything goes quiet and you might as well have been the only two people in the room. Molly ushers Ramona and her friends into the back room before the terror can fully set in and you’re grateful. You don’t really want anyone nearby for whatever is about to happen. 

Once everyone is out of the line of fire, you sigh and turn to face him, willing the confidence from your little fashion show to sustain you for just a little longer. 

“Alastor.”

He doesn’t say anything back, eyes still trained on you, because what is he supposed to say? ‘I’m sorry for taking you to a cesspool of women thirsting after me?’ ‘I’m sorry I’m such a tainted, wretched soul who is so undeserving of you?’ ‘I’m sorry I’m too much of a coward to tell you I love you?’ He pulls the box closer to his chest. 

“You look stunning,” is all he can muster. Not horrible, probably not the best thing either, though.

“I know,” you say back, keeping your face stern.

His smile grows wider but remains sheepish, maybe even bashful, which is impossible because when has Alastor ever been bashful? 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he murmurs.

“I’m really fine, Alastor,” you lie. “You don’t have as much of an effect on people as you think.” Another lie.

“There are millions of dead souls who would beg to differ but--”

You send him the most seething glare you can muster and he pulls back. He looks back down to the gift, eyeing it as if it has all the answers, the map to getting back what’s been lost between you.

“I apologize if you were uncomfortable. That was not my intention.” 

“I wasn’t uncomfortable,” you seethe. “I wasn’t anything except tired and overcome with a desire to see my sister.”

“You’re a horrible liar,” he says as he starts to roam around the store while remaining a safe distance from you. In the mirror, you catch the red glint in your eyes and blink to force it away.

Words start to pour from your mouth, recklessly and unhinged, “And you don’t owe me anything. I don’t need you following me around town after I explicitly told you not to follow me. I don’t need you to “escort” me to meetings just so you can see your girl toys. I’m not an excuse, I’m not a guise. I can take care of myself, lord knows I’ve done so for decades without you.”

“I know.” You were expecting the room to burst into flames and for the sound of radio static to overwhelm you, not for him to remain smiling down at the floor, albeit with a hint of melancholy.

“You know?”

“I know.” He starts to take small steps towards you. “I know you don’t need me, you proved that today. You are more than brilliant and poised and powerful in your own right. I know that. But I’m afraid that what has happened is rather the opposite.”

He makes it to the pedestal and even with the extra inches you are barely as tall as him. But he has never seemed so small to you in this moment.

He is not a man who cowers, he does not beg, that shows weakness and he learned from a young age that you cannot afford weakness. Don’t show your neck, don’t bow your head, stand as tall as you can and bare your teeth. He can’t do that, though, not with you. What you need is openness and vulnerability from him, signs that you bring out something that no one else can.

“My dear, you do not need me,” he whispers and holds out the box to you. Somehow you tear your eyes away to focus on unraveling the bow and peel back the packing paper. There, glittering on a small slice of foam, are two necklaces: one a heart with a keyhole cut out, the other, the matching key.

Alastor dips two claws into the package and takes with him the heart-shaped lock, and to your surprise, he clasps it to his own neck.

“But I, dearly and desperately, need you.” He plucks the key from the box and holds it out to you in the palm of his hand. 

“Alastor...”

“You can say no. You can throw this in my face and I won’t stop you,” he smiles sadly. “But you will always, in a way, have it. You will always have me.”

You’re not an impulsive person, not really, and not compared to your siblings and friends. Now that you think about it, you’ve never actually had an urge like that. Until now. Until the feeling of something glowing and bright moving up from the pit of your stomach, through your throat and your vessels until they reached your chest.

You surge forward, pull him down by his lapels, and kiss him. He tenses initially, and you hear the familiar pop of a radio cutting in and out, before he melts against you. One arm encircles your waist and the other goes into your hair, keeping you securely against him. The kiss itself is a little sloppy on his part, inexperienced and cautious, which makes sense considering his aversion to intimate activities. But there’s a relief in the inexperience, in knowing that you’re one of, if not the, first one to do this with him. It doesn’t go any further than passionate lip-locking, but the way he clings to you and you to him, like two cogs sliding together, is more than enough for you both. 

When you pull away he chases after you and his arms tighten. He’s not quite ready for you to be any less than a few centimeters from him. You release a giddy giggle and lean your forehead against his own, noses nuzzling, heartbeats sharing. You feel cool metal against your neck and look down, spotting your half of the necklace resting against your chest.

“We should go,” you whisper.

“Mm, go where?” He asks as he begins to sway your entangled bodies back and forth.

“Somewhere far away from the eager ears of my sister.”

Alastor’s ears perk up and his eyes dart to the back room, where he can just catch a retreating shadow, presumably belonging to Molly.

“You might be right about that, dearest.”

[caroline18mars]

A Man On Fire - Chapter 77

Harper arched her back in bliss, it was like life was being breathed into her again after a lifetime of coma, his skin rubbing against hers, it was intoxicating to feel all those muscles on his back flexing and rippling under her fingers, to say she had missed him and that cathedral of a body was an understatement. Hard and throbbing he pushed himself agaist her and there was nothing else she could or wanted to do then open her legs and welcome him back inside her warm body that had been deprived of his love and attention for way too long, “I need you inside of me” she breathed in his ear, he was being considerate with foreplay as always, but the fire was burning out of control already, it was time for the real deal, her head fell back and her mouth formed a silent ‘O’ as he slowly entered her, making her feel like she was going to burst. No matter how many times they had made love in the past, she would never get used to his gigantic size. “You ok?” he held himself up on stretched arms above her, with a mix of lust and concern in his glazed over eyes. Without a word but with a simple grin, she clasped her legs around his waist to urge him to move and push himself further and even deeper inside of her. Jared threw his head in his neck with a blissful groan. It was her whispered “come on big boy, just fuck me real hard and good” that drove him insane and his hips started a hard, slow thrusting that had her completely breathless by the time he sped things up. Slowly she was losing her mind in the best way possible, she lost all control over her speech, all she could utter were moans of painful, yet delightful pleasure, seeing her wriggle underneath him was so intoxicating even if they were doing plain missionary, her hands kneading her breasts, fingers tweaking her nipples, moaning and groaning her way up to a much needed orgasm but that orgasm would have to wait a little, first he was going to destroy that sweet pussy of hers even harder. “I fucking love you so much” he groaned at her, a rush of blood clouding his head, it had been too long, he wasn’t going to last long but it didn’t matter, they could do it again and again and again all through the night and if not tonight then there was always the rest of their lives, because he wasn’t going to let her slip away anymore. His hips pushed harder and faster, the white hot heat building up in his groin with every thrust, Harper was suddenly swept up in a whirlwind of sensations and right after him, she too screamed out her orgasm.

Fifteen minutes later they were still glued to each other, like both their bodies had morphed into one, “don't ever leave me again, I don't wanna be without you, not even for one more second” he breathed against her forehead, being the first to break the silence between them. He could see Harper's faint smile and then she exhaled so deep like she had been waiting a lifetime to exhale and that's when he saw the tears roll down, “hey, hey, what's wrong? Babe?” he cupped her face in his hands “did I say or do something wrong?”. Harper shook her head, “No..it's not you..I don't know what's wrong..” she sniffed through her tears, “you just had so much on your plate..all that pent up stress and tension..” he kissed her wet eyes.  “Just let it go, we're together now and that's all that matters, I'll help you through this, I promise” he pulled her even closer to him, dotting butterfly kisses all over her tear-stained face and his heart jumped when she held on to him and released all the tears she had in her. “I've missed you so much” she breathed, “not as much as I missed you, I was so lost without you” Jared reassured her but she suddenly pulled away from him, with a look that betrayed she didn't believe him “what? What is it?” fear squeezed his throat together. “Steph..you had a call with Steph before..you say you've missed me so much, but you still hooked up with her so soon after..us..oh djeez, now I sound like a jealous bitch” she knew she was being completely irrational but she just could help it. “You have every right to say what you say, you're right, it was the old me that resurfaced after you and I..well after we split up” he kept caressing and kissing her hair to have her relax a bit, he didn't want things to escalate between them, “I'm not that man anymore, that's all I can say”. Harper squinted her eyes “how do I know that? You were that man until..what? 48 hours or so ago?” it was a valid question, “true..but hooking up with Steph was out of..spite..I wasn't myself when you left me..I lost it and fell back into old habits..” he tried to explain but she was having none of it. “Old habits? I don't know if they're really old habits, or just who Jared is? We split up because you cheated remember?” this was not going well, not well at all, “I know..and I also know there's nothing I can say to change your mind, but I'm not gonna fuck things up between us ever again, I swear, just have a little faith..”. He was right, there was nothing he could say to miraculously make his past disappear, she had decided to take the plunge and given in to her feelings for him again, so she would just have to stick with it and start believing in his good intentions. “I think I can do that..” those six little words were all it took to defuse the situation, “good girl..Steph is out of my life, I chose you and I'll always choose you, I let things cloud my vision for the last time, she's a dumb mistake that's in the past, you are everything I need for a bright future” he kissed her bottom lip to erase the tiny pout that formed on there. “Just love me Jared, that's all I can ask, just love me the way only you can” she returned his kiss and soon all the tears were washed away by another round of glorious lovemaking.

”Any news?” Jared came walking out of the bathroom with a towel riding dangerously low on his hips, “no..no news” sighing she put her phone back on the nightstand and got a bit lost in her thoughts again, “no news is good news, right?” he sat down on the bed next to her and rubbed her thigh. “I guess so..I'll call Arno later on” she started to resurface again but she wasn't completely out yet, “so what do you want to do today?” his voice was so soft and tender, “Oh..well, I was thinking of checking in with Charles, even though I still think he's the root to all this evil..you know, bringing my parents here..” she sighed, “I know, but I honestly think that he had everyone's best intentions in mind..he's pretty shook up about everything's that happened..anyway, I'll come with you, we'll face him together, alright?” he tried to kiss her doubts away, but he knew they would only disappear when she faced Charles again and talked things through with him.

He loved walking around New York with her, here he felt he could do it because he could keep a certain kind of anonymity here, NY always kept it real, in sharp contrast to the gossip and glamour of LA, of which he was reminded by the constant buzzing in his pocket from Steph blowing up his phone even after he told her he wanted nothing more to do with her. The wonderful smell of fresh baked bread greeted them as he held the door open for Harper walking into the renowned bakery/coffee bar, “I love this place” he took off his coat and sat down, grabbing her hands, “and I didn't just choose it for its' wonderful breakfast but also for another reason” he grinned and looked out the window pointing “remember?”. Harper followed his gaze and then it dawned on her “Oohhh, the place where we first met..” she swallowed hard in excitement “that was such a weird moment”. Jared sat back grinning “weird and yet so amazing and so..normal, deep in my heart I wasn't surprised to see you turn up, I guess deep down I was really hoping it'd be you”, they were interrupted to place their order, which they did but as soon as the waiter left Harper squeezed his hand. “You were hoping for Coco to show up because you had met Harper first? Or were you feeling guilty somehow that you were going to meet Coco and in the back of your mind you were hoping for Harper?” her difficult question had him frowning and thinking for a second, pondering on his answer “Honestly, I was so fond of you both, I dreaded having to give up one for the other and then I got my prayers answered when Harper Coco showed up, I was so torn, there was Coco who was so intruiging and funny and artistic and mysterious who I was so completely besotted with even though I had never seen her, I knew in the depth of my heart that no matter how she looked, I'd fallen for her hook, line and sinker..and then there was Harper who was equally artistic and genius and completely nuts, fighting off guys twice her size, very high in energy, you were like a fucking loaded gun” his grin became bigger and bigger just talking about her “and then there was the way Harper looked that had my hormones racing, girl, I was so fuckin' jealous of Sean at the time, just the fact that you both were so physically and emotionally close”.

Harper nearly choked on her coffee “Sean and I..close? What a frikkin' nightmare he turned out to be, but it's kinda cute that you were actually jealous!! I didn't know what to make of you really..you constantly blew hot and cold on me” she lathered up a croissant with butter. “Oh really? surely there must have been something you liked about me?” he was fishing for compliments now, even after all this time she hadn't put all of her cards on the table, “I thought you had the cutest bubble butt I had ever seen” she giggled, it was a treat seeing her laugh again. “I agree, that is one of my finest assets” he hiccupped “what else?”, she stopped chewing for a second “apart from the fact that you're incredibly easy on the eye, you were also prepared to be my best friend and you supported my work from day one, that meant and means the world to me, but what I love the most about you is that you're so unconventional, you're quirky and extremely ambitious and driven but you also got the biggest heart, you were always there for me when I needed and need you most”. Every single compliment she was paying him made his heart burst, “you know you may have lost your title, but your true nobility and aristocracy always comes shining through, and then I haven't mentioned your breathtaking beauty yet”. Harper shifted uncomfortably in her seat “ok, ok, enough with the compliments..we've given each other a new chance so let's not try and fuck it up again..shall we start with that?” she pushed a strawberry in her mouth, she always had a hard time dealing with compliments. “Don't say 'fuck' too much, I'm having trouble enough keeping my cool just thinking about everything that we did last night..even you eating that strawberry is almost enough to send me over the edge, I'm getting old” he wiggled in his chair to make his point clear. “Old? You? Oh honey, after two toecurling orgasms, old is not the word that instantly comes to mind” teasing him, she let another strawberry  slip between her plump lips, giggling again like a school girl when she saw him squirm in his seat even more. “Anyway, we're in a public place so let's try and keep our hormones under control” there was a faint smile and a deep sigh as she came back to reality that wasn't exactly shiny and bright for her at the moment. “I wish I could cancel every point on my agenda and just disappear for a while..I just wish I could go back to that carefee time before all this” she took a sip of her hot coffee and stared at the spot where they first met, her eyes glazing over with the memory. Jared grabbed her hand and rubbed his thumb over it “I totally get that..why don't you come back with me to LA in a few days? We can pack up your stuff at your apartment and have it shipped to LA”. Harper's mouth fell open when he dropped that bomb “What? Wait..LA?” she pulled her hand back, “it's where I live, so yeah that's what I mean, LA is a lot more chill than New York, you'll move in with me and we can hide from the world for a while”. Harper's eyes became saucers “move in..with you?” she whispered in shock, “well yeah, unless you have some secret lover there that I don't know about and were planning to move in with him..of course I want you to move in with me, silly!”.

[peachywise]

A Conflict of Truths

an umbrella academy fanfiction // klaus hargreeves x reader

– one shot

– synopsis: You needed to tell Klaus something. You needed to tell Klaus you loved him, but the idiot decided to just up and walk through your door all cut up and bruised, evading your questions like this is all some infuriating game of detective. You’d get it out of him though. You always do.

– notes: hello!! okay so this is a simple little one shot, around like 3.2k words or something. hope you like it!!! as always, reader pronouns are they/them. 

link on ao3

___________________________

He was late.

You couldn’t believe he was late. Well, actually you could believe it, it was Klaus after all, but that was the fucking problem! Maybe you had been a bit brash in your phone call earlier that day. He’d all but picked up and said hello when you rattled, “meet me at my house at six,” adding in an apparently ignorable “don’t be late,” just before you hung up. But Christ, any normal person would have taken that abruptness at least a bit seriously and not have let a little more than forty-five minutes pass without a call or a text.

It was a shock to you that you loved the idiot.

Yep. You loved the eccentric maniac, and you pretty bloody annoyed about it. It had hit you all of a sudden— the realization. Hit you like a sucker punch that knocked out all your teeth and rattled your brain so much that you couldn’t even make a single coherent thought. Must be what Klaus’s head was like. You’d just been out to lunch with your boyfriend who droned on and on about inconsequential judgments of his coworkers and work and you just… snapped. Broke up with him on the spot. Looking at him felt like looking into a void. He didn’t make you laugh, not anymore. He didn’t seem to hold a particular kind of empathy that pushed you. He just simply coddled you and then dropped your concerns as if that inconsequential bit of validation was enough to justify them and actually seem like he gave a shit.

Klaus was different. Infuriatingly so. You’d been friends for a while, if that’s what you would call it. You had met him through Ben, since where Ben went, Klaus seemed to follow, and the man all but latched himself onto you. Said he liked your spirit. Maybe that’s because the first time you met you knee’d him in the nuts after he jump-scared you from behind a door. But God, did he make you laugh. You felt alive with him in a way you’d never experienced before, a certain vivacity being brought out in you from your constant rapport. He challenged you in ways you’d never been challenged before, and you did the same for him. You’d called him just after breaking up with your boyfriend in your flurry of full realization that you loved Klaus. And then the bitch had the audacity to be late.

You weren’t even fully inclined to go out of your room to greet him when he finally burst through your door— no knock or anything— hollering dramatically, “honey, I’m home and I have a surprise!”

“How nice!” you gritted out, stepping out of your bedroom door to your apartments main area. “Is the surprise you being late? I swear to—” Lifting your head as you rounded the small corner, you finally came face to face with your friend, in all his bloody nose, split lip, bruised glory.

“What the hell?”

“Surprise,” Klaus said, giving pathetically weak jazz hands.

Rushing over, you lifted your hand to gently grasp his chin, tilting his head slightly to inspect the mess. Klaus flinched so slightly you barely noticed it. “What happened?” You questioned, dropping your hand and taking a step back, crossing your arms over your chest.

He just strolled on over to your couch and plopped himself down, grabbing one of your throw pillows and cuddling it to his own chest, tilting his head so it rested on his shoulder. He gave you an innocent puppy dog look, but as cute as it was, it didn’t work on you. You might not have powers like the rest of them, but shit, you’re immunity to that look came in handy on multiple occasions.

“Well you see, there was a certain spirit who couldn’t move on until we recreated the scene from Ghost. Next thing you know, the pottery wheel is spinning out of control, the clay flying in all directions, and my face is slamming down on the table,” he went on. It was obviously a lie; for one, he never was the most particularly believable storyteller, no matter how weird and actually outlandish his life was. Second of all, the moment your eyes landed on his hands as they absentmindedly played with the tassels on the pillows, you noticed those were bruised and slightly split too.

So it was a fight then.

Of fucking course.

Rolling your eyes, you walked out of your common area into your tiny kitchenette area without so much as a word in reply. Klaus sputtered a bit as he stood back up from his spot, rambling out, “now I get that your mad, but it was unavoidable! Here I was thinking you’d be understanding, maybe even help a poor guy out with his wounds, and—” as you walked back into the room with a bag of frozen peas and a wet washcloth, he closed his mouth.

You quirked your eyebrow up, asking plainly, “you finished talking to yourself, or do you just need to hear your voice for a while more?” He shook his head no, and wordlessly sat back down on the couch. “well look at that, seems like some brain cells still remain,” you mused under your breath teasingly. Klaus gave a sarcastic laugh in return, adding a small quip of, “cute,” as you made your way to stand in front of him.

Handing him the frozen peas, you muttered a small, “for your hands,” already more focused on cleaning the blood off his face to see if there was anything more serious to it. “Someone’s feeling bossy today, I like it,” Klaus commented as you cleaned off the dried blood from under his nose. You leaned back slightly only to give him a serious look that hopefully read ‘shut up and let me work.’ He gave you a shit eating grin in return. You delightfully chose to ignore it.

“I don’t think it’s broken but you’re probably going to end up with a black eye,” you assessed, moving to his side to look at his nose from a different angle. From the front, you had always noticed his nose looked just slightly tilted to the right, nothing anyone would really notice had they not heavily observed it. But from the side, it looked just as normal as well.

“So why don’t you tell me who you got into a fight with and why?” You continued, leaning back up to peer down at him inquisitively.

“A leprechaun. Stole all me lucky charms.”

“Try again.”

“Found a coat I wanted at goodwill, but as I went and grabbed it, so did this seventeen-year-old girl. The moment we locked eyes the showdown began.”

Hmm. “So where is the coat?” You questioned, and Klaus pouted as he replied, “she won.”

You couldn’t stop the snort that escaped you as you shook your head, adjusting the frozen bag on his hands. “You were close with that one, but how about we try one more time?” You tightly smiled, and Klaus huffed out a small little breath.

“What a relentless creature you are, but alright, I’ll tell you.“ He Leaned back deeper into the chair as he looked you dead in the eye. A serious look befell his face, one you hadn’t seen many times before, and your heart seized up for a moment. Was it that bad? Usually, he evaded just to be funny and to annoy you— both of which he accomplished, but what the hell was he keeping from you? It had to have been pretty serious.

“Luther was jealous that my face is more beautiful than his, so the big old brute just attacked me out of nowhere. It isn’t going to scar, is it doc?”

Well. Never fucking mind, then.

Picking up your pillow, you smacked him with it over and over, punctuated only by your words of “don’t,” smack, “be,” smack, “dumb!” smack. He lifted his hands to defend himself from your attack, dropping the pea bag that had been resting on them to the floor.

“Hey!” he cried out, cracking a wide grin and a laugh as he tore the pillow from your grip, tossing it across the room to get it away from you. “Am I not already wounded enough for you? Not that I’m against rough love and all.” You huffed out in your defeat.

“Whatever,” you muttered, picking back up the washcloth and leaning down to his sitting height again. Klaus had split his lip open once more, probably from smiling like a damned Cheshire cat. “Tell me or don’t tell me, I don’t care.” You totally did. “You’re still late and I’m mad about it.”

“I’m sorry, but it couldn’t be avoided,” Klaus commented back, as you wordlessly wiped the blood from his lip, not bothering to offer a reply in return. His hand moved up to smoothly grip your wrist, tugging your hand away so he could speak again, catching your gaze and holding it so you were unable to look anywhere else. “I really am sorry,” he spoke, his tone so sincere it kind of jarred you. “But I’m here now, and very interested to know what your rushed phone call was about.”

Mmm, right. That.

You had been so ready to blurt it out and get it over when you had first made that call, that now when he was actually here, it was like you had lost that superhuman nerve. What’s the worst he would do when you told him, though? Make fun of you? He did that already. It’s not like he would get mad or anything about your profession. If anything, he would just be a little shocked. You could always brush it off as a joke. Not like he knew you broke up with your boyfriend earlier in what was clearly your mind snapped crisis.

Still. Now you just couldn’t fucking say it. You wanted to slap your own self.

“It’s nothing,” you murmured as heat flushed your cheeks, admittedly sounding a bit defeated. You leaned forward to press the cloth to his lip once again in hopes it would stop him from replying. It worked, but his intense charcoal lined gaze was heavy as it studied you. You just tried to ignore it the best you could, reoccupying yourself on your work yet again.

Unlucky for you, you were a dumbass in thinking that fixating on his lips would in any way be less of a god damn distraction.

Taking the cloth away yet again, the bleeding thankfully stopped, but you couldn’t stop yourself from lightly resting your hand under his jaw and swiping your thumb so gently over the cut to make sure it wasn’t badly split enough that it would start bleeding again. At least, that’s why you told yourself you did it. Slowly you began to subconsciously lean forward, enough that you didn’t even realize you had. That was, of course, until Klaus’s voice cut through your near absorption with a knowingly soft-spoken, “what did you want to tell me?” his eyes still just as penetrating.

You sucked in a breath.

And then your phone began to ring.

Stumbling back a bit as the full realization of what was happening hit you harder than that one-time Ben threw a frisbee at your face, you fumbled for your cell in your back pocket as Klaus stood from his seat, a funny little panicked look crossing his face as he said, “don’t answer that!”. Giving him a questioning stare followed by an oh so eloquent, “what?” you finally peered down at the screen to see your ex’s name flash across. Weird. As you accepted to call and held it up to your ear, Klaus behind you made a half sigh-half grumbled noise of failure that had you turning around and sticking your tongue out at him before you offered a simple “hello?” to the man on the other end of the phone.

“Look, I don’t know why you broke up with me but I’m pretty sure you didn’t need to also have your fucking friend find me and sucker punch me in the face. You proved your point enough at lunch, don’t you think?

Your friend? What the hell was he going on about, you didn’t send anyone—

Oh.

Turning back around to face ‘your friend’, you gave him a hard look as you replied back into the phone, “I’ll deal with it,” Klaus audibly gulped before he started a sprint towards your door. “Sorry,” you grunted back into the phone before ending the call, running after him before he could reach the door handle and jumping right on his back, tackling him down to your carpeted floor. You both struggled against each other’s grip for a moment until you won, pinning him to his back as you held him down by straddling his chest.

“Klaus, you can’t go beating people up!”

“Oh, really?” His mockery ran thick. “You might be more convincing if you hadn’t just tackled me to the floor!”

“Boohoo, does baby need a bottle?”

“No, baby needs a far more… typically natural food source, if you know what I mean.”

Okay, boob joke, that was funny. But you had to keep being mad or he’d take the opportunity to weaken your vigour.

“Take this seriously!” You bit out, pushing yourself off his chest and standing up, running your hands through your hair in frustration. You turned back to look at him as he managed to get himself off the floor as well, plucking a piece of lint off of his swirly, brightly colored shirt. “Why did you do it? And no more stupid stories. Tell me the truth.” You hoped it wasn’t because Klaus found out about your break up and actually thought it was him breaking up with you.

Klaus was silent as he thought, rubbing a hand down his face and then wincing when he realized it was still banged up. He was stalling. For once in his life, he was stalling, and your stomach dropped in concern. “Klaus?” You pushed, your voice dropping lowly as you took a few steps closer to him. He looked at you with eyes that didn’t pity, but eyes that were empathetic nonetheless. “I was at the bar and I saw your boyfriend with someone else. At first, I thought well hey! Could be a coincidence or even a co-worker, but then they started to play a stumbling, virginal looking version of suck face and I just got up and punched him.” Standing back up off the ground, he advanced towards you and closed the remaining distance between you as he continued, “I think that called for a bit of violence don’t you think? I know you’re mad, but if you look at it my way, really it was a favour. You’re welcome! I was defending your honour, a true knight in shining armour, if you will and—”

“Klaus, I broke up with him.”

He paused at that. “On the phone just now? I didn’t hear that part.” Ugh.

“No, idiot, earlier today! He seriously didn’t say anything about it after you just up and attacked him?” You groaned, crossing your arms over your chest and giving him an exasperated look.

“I think he was too busy trying to scratch my eyes out,” Klaus replied before he let out a singular small laugh. “You finally broke up with him though, yeah? Good for you. Don’t think he ever liked me much.”

“You’ve stolen his money before and tried to steal his cat once,” you reminded him, “I don’t think you liked him much either.”

“Well, he’s boring. All I can ever hear come out of his mouth are the words taxes, bills, and brunch,” he stated with a small shudder of his body.  

“Is that why you punched him?” You interrogated, “I understand you thought you were defending my honour or whatever the fuck, but even if we hadn’t broken up, you could have just told me to my face and let me deal with it.” Klaus was silent at that. Whether it was because he felt like a chastised child or he was holding something else back, you didn’t know. “Why did you do it, Klaus? Really?”

“You really want me to answer that?” He questioned back slowly, taking another step towards you.

You kept your arms crossed against your chest. “No, I asked because it was clearly the polite thing to do in this social context.” Klaus blinked at your attempt at sarcasm, and you sighed harshly, uncrossing your arms just to shake your hands, “just tell me!”

And tell you he did.

Kind of.

In a blur of motion, Klaus bridged the remaining space between you, resting a hand on the small of your back as the other cradled your face, his lips smashing into yours, no warning and no gentleness, simply just a craving and desire that rivaled even your own. Pressing yourself against him, you couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped you, breath against breath, heat against heat, tongue against tongue. You tangled your hands into his soft brunette curls, and he released his tight hold only to pick you up, wrapping your legs around his waist.

Breaking apart, he tugged slightly on your bottom lip with his teeth before letting go with a smile, gently bumping his nose with yours. You had to take a moment to fully catch your breath, but he filled the silence. “I showed you mine, now show me yours,” he smirked, leaning into the crook of your neck to murmur into your ear, “I punched that walking sweater vest cause I couldn’t imagine someone wanting to give this up with you. I love it. And you.” Fuck. Cue that ‘it’s getting hot in here’ track. “He was also drinking vodka mixed with water. What offensive barbarian does that to vodka?”

You laughed at that, shoving his shoulder with little force before wrapping your arms right back around his neck. “Yeah, yeah, I know,” you chuckled. “It’s probably why I broke up with him at lunch. Ordered the same thing, and I realized, now how can I love a man like that when I have Klaus who freely breaks into my apartment when he pleases and beats up men I never asked him too? I only feel like I need to throw a punch at someone of your choice to prove I love you too.”

Klaus hummed at that, swiping a gentle thumb across your cheek as he moved his head to the side. “I thought you were against beating people up?” he mused.

“I’m not opposed to getting a little rough sometimes,” you shrugged with a sly grin. Klaus’s own smile matched in return. “Clearly. You can tackle me to the floor again if you like?” He offered, just before he brought his lips back down towards yours, sliding you down to the ground along with him as you let a squealed a delighted laugh.

“Well if you’re offering, want to give monkey boy a bit of a smack next time you see him? I really do think he’s intimidated by my beauty and will attack me any day now.”

“Klaus,“ you warned, "shut up.”

And then you kissed him again, and never wanted to stop.

Well. Never wanted to stop until you moved on to an activity that was a little bit better. 

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Logan and his Little Bumble Bee (Single Dads AU) Chapter 3!!!

Word Count: 4585

TW: swearing, arguing, deceit, a bit of angst at the end but not much I think that’s it? lmk if I missed anything!!!

Notes: I’ve had part of this written for a long time but I finished it in the last couple of days in desperation for people to like my writing. Basically I forced my creativity into submission with my constant need of validation. I really hope you like it, as your enjoyment was what I was craving. last chapter here, first chapter here!

Pairings: logicality, roceit, familial logince, moxiety, analogical, royality, and prinxiety yeah it’s a lot of family but look at the AU ok gimme a break.

Summary: “padre!!! We gotta go Vee has a game and I have a performance afterwards!!! We gotta go we gotta go!!!” In the past four years Patton and Logan have only fallen more in love, so much so that Patton wants to make that extra step. Virgil is a soccer player and while waiting for his step brother outside the changing rooms so they can head to his performance, Roman meets a handsome boy with stunning eyes. Finding out that he’s a friend of Virgils, he spends the next week hanging out with him and his twin, only for it to culminate in a fateful moment at a slumber party.

“padre!!! We gotta go Vee has a game and I have a performance afterwards!!! We gotta go we gotta go!!!”

Roman grabbed his father’s boyfriend Patton and started to pull him to the door. Patton was a good head and a half taller than the kid, but his boyfriend Logan, Roman’s father, was ever frustrated at the fact that his now 15-year-old son was the same height as him and just as strong. The boy had grown like a beansprout in the last 4 years and Logan might have grumbled a bit at the fact that his boyfriend could still easily lean on him and call him short.

Speaking of his boyfriend, he was already at the game, likely waiting for them. Today was a bit rough going for Patton. He had accidentally let Roman hear his plans to propose to Logan and since then Roman had been co-conspiring with him to help him find the best way to ask him. It helps that they often traded kids for events, hanging out with the kid who most matched them personality wise. Patton much more enjoying going to parks for big parties with Roman where Logan preferred to stay home and do quiet activities with Virgil. The kids enjoyed that immensely, glad that they wouldn’t force their parents into an overwhelming or boring situation they preferred to stay away from. Logan was with Virgil at his soccer game, and he and Roman were running late. Of course, that was due to the panic Patton had sent himself into about the proposal. He was going to propose after dinner after Roman’s school musical. Now he was getting dragged out of the house.

Roman was carrying a bag bigger than his backpack over his shoulder. He was wearing skinny jeans and a long sleeve black shirt that said ‘could be gayer’ with a pink jacket that said ‘love is love’. Patton grinned at him, remembering when Roman told him and Logan that he was gay and promptly tossed a list in their lap and ran away. It was a list of about 5 different shirts and jackets he wanted. They had immediately gotten all of them for the kid, and the hoodies rarely left his back. His hair was messy, likely from him running his hands through it al day long. They got in the car and Roman looked over at Patton as he started driving.

“are you nervous?”

Patton took a quick glance at the boy and smiled.

“put your seatbelt on ro! What do you mean am I nervous?”

Roman clipped the belt on quickly then tilted his head at pat.

“are you nervous about proposing to dad? You seem nervous”

Patton's hands gripped ever so slightly tighter on the wheel, and yet Roman still noticed.

“…yeah. Yeah, I'm nervous Ro. It’s a big thing and I don’t want anything to go wrong.”

Roman nodded solemnly and turned his head forward again, seemingly dropping the subject, only to start it back suddenly five minutes later.

“you shouldn’t be you know?”

“what do you mean Roman?”

“you shouldn’t be nervous. Dad loves you a lot. He's always loved you a lot. You have the ring, and you’ll be there. That’s all he could ever ask for. You two are each other’s happily ever after. You're his prince charming. There's nothing for you to worry about. So, don’t freak out ok? There's absolutely no way he’d ever say no”

Patton looked at Roman in the rear-view mirror of the car and smiled. The boy was very good at words, something he got directly from his father. They both had a certain grasp of English that he could never understand. He constantly tripped and floundered when trying to get a point across, but Logan and Roman could quickly and easily articulate their feelings and phrase things just perfectly. It was one of the most amazing things about them. They were eloquent and blunt and fantastic where he and Virgil would speak simply and more metaphorically, not good at getting a point across in a straight forward fashion. He took one hand off of the wheel and set it on Roman’s leg, squeezing softly before moving his hand back to the wheel.

“thanks kiddo. That really helped. I'm glad that I have your help to get through this. Love you kiddo.”

He saw Roman smile big and toothy and he couldn’t help his smile widening at the look on his face. They pulled into the parking lot at the school shortly after, the two rushing up to the stands, searching around for Logan, which was fortunately easy enough this time around. They started towards him and Patton couldn’t help but notice the small calming things in the man he loved.

Logan was wearing jeans, he saw a lily stitched on the inside of the pocket, and smiled, fondly remembering when he had stitched the flower and the bumblebee onto matching jeans Logan and Roman had. Logan also wore a black v neck that read ‘I am literally correcting your grammar and figuratively dying on the inside’ and a simple light blue jacket that was much too big for him, clueing Patton in on the fact that Logan definitely stole that from his closet. His curly brown hair was thoroughly ruffled, and they were able to see him run his hand through his hair yet again. Patton called out to him and his heart fluttered as Logan’s head whipped towards them, dropping a few strands of hair into his face again. He smiled as Logan blew the hair out of his face. They sat next to him, Roman tackling his father in a hug, leaving Logan chuckling.

“long time no see, glad you could make it!”

This sent Patton and Roman into a fit of giggles. Patton looked down at the field and saw the game going on, easily spotting his son running with the ball towards the goal. Virgil's bright purple hair stuck out easily and matched the school colors perfectly. He also matched with Roman who also had school colored hair, his red instead of purple. Patton saw Virgil swerve around the opposing sides players, twisting around them skillfully before kicking straight into the goal over the goalkeeper’s head. Patton stood immediately, cheering loudly, and jumping along with many of the rest of the people on the stands, Roman and Logan included.

The game ends an hour later, Virgil's team quickly making a joke of the other team. Roman is the first to jump off the seats, running to get Virgil from the locker rooms. He dashes in, and sees Virgil right away, tackling him into a hug, babbling about how well he did. Virgil chuckled and pat him on the head.

“Ro I gotta change! Gimme five I’ll be right out ok? I'm not gonna let you be late for your musical bro.”

“ugh FINE!!! You gotta hurry though, padre has something for you!!!”

“my dad can wait until I'm decent!!!”

“BORING!!!”

Roman stood outside the changing rooms, spinning around and quietly rehearsing his moves and singing for the show tonight. He got a lead role and he was full of jitters and the slightest bit of stage fright. He was playing prince charming in into the woods and he was honestly pretty nervous. He was giving himself a pep talk when one of the boys walked out of the changing room. He turned quickly, thinking it was Virgil, but he stopped short seeing a boy who was about as tall as Virgil with long ginger hair that curled up around his face. He only had one eye open, a towel held to his head drying his damp hair that fell in ringlets around his face. He wasn’t the only one staring though, as the towel fell from his face and the boy gave him a look with his heterochromatic eyes. One green and one blue eye, both staring intently at Roman, Roman barely able to stare back. Then Roman heard the door open again, and he tore his gaze away with a faint blush on his cheeks. Virgil walked out while laughing with this other kid with curly black hair and sunglasses. Virgil took a glance at the two and smirked. Roman could already tell he was in for something.

“hey there Dmitri, I see you’ve met my brother.”

The blonde blinked and turned over to Virgil, nodding. He made a quick few signals with his hands that Roman could tell were sign language but couldn’t understand. Virgil's smirk widened.

“I dunno man you're a whole year older than him. Plus, you just met him, and did I mention he's my brother?”

More signs, followed by more laughter from Virgil, and a snicker from the other person.

“in that case, maybe you have a chance once you can talk around him. Though he's a talkative one, so maybe you won’t need it. As said in the little mermaid, don’t forget about body language!”

And then the cute bo-dmitri! And then Dmitri flipped Virgil off, leading to more laughing.

“either way, we gotta split Dee. See you and rem later, baby bros got a musical to kick ass in.”

Virgil wrapped rem? In a hug and then did a complex handshake with Dmitri before grabbing Roman’s hand and walking off with a peace sign thrown up to the sky.

Roman eventually swallows the frog in his throat and speaks his mind like he had meant to earlier.

“who was that? Why was he signing? Is he mute? Why are his eyes so pretty? Who was that other person?”

Virgil laughed heartily and gave Roman a soft look.

“let’s answer that from easiest to hardest. The blonde hetchrom was Dmitri, the edge lord was Remy, his twin brother and my best friend. No, Dmitri isn’t technically mute, he's selectively mute though. He can’t talk in stressful situations or situations he's uncomfortable in. he was in a stressful game, plus he's never met you before and he gay af. Also, his eyes are so pretty because you're gay af as well.”

Roman made some high-pitched offended noises. Virgil continued to smirk.

“no but seriously, if you understood sign, you would be… a fucking tomato man. He was not subtle. Stop looking good, I don’t want to have to murder my best friends’ brother.”

“shut uppppp!!!! That’s not trueeeeee!!!!!!”

“ha! Nice joke bro. it took all I had not to kick him in the shin for what he was saying. You're a poor innocent 15-year-old, too good for this world too pure. He's a 16-year-old nerd who watches too much anime. You could do better, but you know, your choice ro. He's a nerd but he's a good guy. If he pulls anything, I won’t hesitate to snap his neck for you.”

“VIRGIL!!!!! You can’t just SAY things like that!!! Also, padres gonna be mad about you swearing!”

“don’t tell dad I swore I won’t tell pops that you have a crush on a 16-year-old you met five minutes ago.”

“deal”

“come on we gotta get the auditorium before our star bee is late”

“I'm never gonna be free of the bees, am I?”

“bee free?”

“you're insufferable”

“and you use big words as clever ways to be mean, so I think we’re even”

“rude obnoxious arrogant loud mouthed-”

“hey, I know what those mean!!! I have a C in English not an F!!!”

“repugnant abhorrent loathsome!!!”

“we get it you hate me so much, I might as well not go see your musical I’ll only make you-”

“NO!!!! YOU GOTTA COME YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME VEE NOOOO!!!”

“calm down Ro, I'm teasing you. I wouldn’t think of missing your big day.”

The rest of the night is a blur for all of them. The show was phenomenal and Roman blew it out of the water. They went to dinner at a fancy sushi place and they were on their way home when Patton and Virgil had pulled over next to the park, they had all met at. Logan was… thoroughly confused to say the least. Virgil just smirked when Logan asked what was happening, telling him to just go with it and get out of the car. By the time Logan actually did, Roman and Patton had set up a star blanket on the ground and Patton was seated on it, fidgeting oddly. He was not expecting that, or Roman pushing him over there. Roman bounced, hugging both of them then running into the car with Virgil. Logan’s head tilted from confusion.

“Patton, what is happening?”

“um, surprise? Look though, look at the stars Logan!!!”

Logan looked up, and he was surprised at the number of stars he could see. He hadn’t been there at night, had never seen that at this time of night all the lights on the streets and in the houses were out, giving you the perfect view of the whole night sky. He leaned back, nearly forgetting that the kids were in the car and that he should be suspicious. He pointed up at a cluster of stars and started to rant about them. He had gotten affirmations from Patton that he was listening for a while, until he stopped. Logan looked over and he fell completely to the ground, feeling his heart pound suddenly at the sight. He scrambled to a sitting position and looked at Patton again, who was kneeling with a box in his hands with a wide and nervous smile on his face.

“Patton? What-what is going on?”

Patton's smile relaxed.

“Logan, I've known you for 13 years now. I've been your partner for 4. I've loved you for all of them. You always know the words to say to make me feel better. You always know exactly how to fix a problem I'm having, and I love you so much. I love you more than the air we breathe, or the stars that are laying above us. I would drop anything to stay by your side Logan, so darling, my love, my universe around me, will you marry me?”

Patton opened the box and Logan saw the ring, already attached to a simple chain. The ring was a simple silver band with a death star on the top that says ‘I know’. He laughed a bit, knowing the reference by heart. He nodded though, nodded furiously with a smile on his face.

“I will pat. I will I will”

Patton clipped the chain around Logan’s neck and held his face.

“I really wanna kiss you right now.”

“I do too Patton.”

They smiled and fell into a kiss. It was just as perfect and magical as their first kiss, and they held each other closely in the starlight, just enjoying the moment they were having together.

Of course, in the car, Virgil had videotaped the whole thing, and then started fake gagging.

“ewwwwww Roman our dads are kissing!!!”

“pfft, does that mean we’re gonna be brothers? You're right vee, ewwwwww”

“oh, shut it you little shit”

“listen, I'm gonna make a swear jar and you’ll have to pay me a dollar every time you swear.”

“no way. Maybe a quarter a curse.”

“that’s a deal then!!! Starting tomorrow though, cuz dads too happy”

“cool. Are they still kissing? It’s been like 5 minutes should we tell them?”

 The next week was filled with Logan declaring his love way more often than he ever would normally. And Roman earned 20 dollars from his new swear jar. He would usually just smirk at Virgil with his hand held out and would beg a penny for his thoughts. Roman thought it was genius. Virgil thought it was obnoxious. But a deal was a deal. Also, Dmitri and Remy had hung out with them more often. Unfortunately, Roman hadn’t quite picked up sign enough and Dmitri still didn’t speak around him. He was getting desperate to know what he was saying considering Virgil would go on about how much of a gay mess he is. He just wanted to be in on the joke ok???

They were settled around the dinner table and Remy and Dmitri were invited that night. Virgil had decided that they might as well have a slumber party and Patton and Logan had agreed so long as they didn’t keep anyone awake, and with them all knowing sign it was not hard for them to agree. They had already moved into the living room with bedding and game consoles and a few books and magazines. Roman was eating dinner quickly, hoping to get time to play his uke before his dads were heading to bed. It was 4 years old but still in just as good condition as when he first got it. He had learned I cant help falling in love with you the week after getting it, riptide the next, but he had since decided to find different songs that sounded good on the ukulele and he was in the process of learning ocean eyes by Billie Eilish and he was having a ton of fun with it. It wasn’t difficult, but he had never done a song that sounded so different from the original when played on uke and he loved it. He finished dinner and excused himself quickly running upstairs and pulling the rainbow instrument into his lap. He started strumming aimlessly, a few nice chords, before setting to the song. He pulled out the sheet music and placed it on the bed in front of him and began.

I've been watchin' you for some time Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes Burning cities and napalm skies Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Your ocean eyes No fair You really know how to make me cry When you give me those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Fallin' into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes

He was so focused and in his head, he didn’t notice Virgil Remy and Dmitri sneaking to his room to listen better. He also didn’t notice Dmitri was whispering to Virgil. He stopped the song and moved on to a mashup he had heard before.

Doo doo doo doo  doo doo doo doo doooo dooo doooooooo with a smile and a song life is just like a bright sunny day your cares fade away and your heart is young a dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep in dreams you will lose your heart aches whatever you wish for you keep I know you I walked with you once upon a dream I know you the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

He was glowing in happiness, Virgil grinned, proud of his little brother who was so utterly talented, and he nudged Dmitri with a cocky grin. Dmitri, whose face was aglow bright red in the dark lighting in the hall. He turned back to pay attention to Roman who was still singing along without a care.

I wanna go where the people go I wanna see wanna see em dancing roaming around on those, what is that word again feeeeet I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell a whole new world a hundred thousand things to see I’m like a shooting star I’ve come so far I can’t go back to where I used- have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned can you sing with all the voices of the mountain can you paint with all the colours of the wind no chance no way I won’t say I’m love you swoon you sigh why deny it uh oh it’s too cliché I won’t say I’m in- who is that girl I see staring straight back at me when will my reflection show who I am inside

They were all rather impressed at the trills and vibrato thrown into the song, and Dmitri was singing along quietly, adding a harmony along as he tried to get up the nerve to actually be heard. Remy was squeezing his hand for support.

and I’m almost there I’m almost there people gonna come here from everywhere and I’m almost there and at last I see the light and it’s like the fog has lifted  and at least I see the light and it’s like the sky is new I will ride I will fly chase the wind and touch the sky I will ride I will fly chase the wind and touch the sky

And finally, Dmitri raises his voice. Roman opens one of his eyes slightly, seeing Dmitri singing but choosing to leave it be, closing his eyes once again and letting himself melt into the song.

the snow glows white on the mountain tonight not a footprint to be seen a kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen let it go let it go can’t hold it back any more let it go let it go turn away and slam the door see the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me and no-one knows how far it goes If the wind in my sail and the sea stays behind me Someday I’ll know how far I’ll go

Roman grinned and opened his eyes to see Virgil with a cocky grin still stained on his face and Remy with a matching look, Dmitri’s eyes blown wide and an awestruck look.

“thank you for the harmony Dmitri! That sounded wonderful!!!”

He blanched and turned his head away revealing the dark blush going down his neck. Roman could just barely hear the response.

“thanks, I guess, you sounded good as well..”

“hey Ro, you wanna chill with us downstairs? We were going to start playing Mario kart and I think it would be hilarious to see you show these two nerds up.”

“oh! Um… sure! I can never say no to destroying people in Mario kart!”

 Within the hour Dmitri was opened up enough to laugh and talk loudly, occasionally cursing and getting upset as he had to pay the younger kid in the room. He eventually dropped a five-dollar bill in before he started a race because you know what Mario kart already made him angry, but now he was having his ass handed to him by a cute 15-year-old. He was gonna swear and he didn’t want to worry about how many times he did it. He still owed another dollar at the end. After that Roman raided the fridge and made nachos with Doritos for them all.

“bon Appetit gamers!”

“I still wish I was able to cook like you can ro.”

“vee its Doritos with cheese on them. It’s not difficult.”

“listen hush.”

They were messing around in the living room and they didn’t even notice how much time had passed. Roman finally checked the time as he hung upside down off of the couch, letting out a gasp when he saw it was 4 AM already. He nervously started playing his uke, singing old town road quickly as he played double speed. Dmitri’s head whipped around and he started laughing at the picture in front of him. A 15-year-old sitting upside down on a couch, legs dangling out of sight, and playing a 2-minute song in a minute. There was definitely something amusing seeing a small kid anxiously strumming at a ukulele like he was pulled out of the road to el dorado. Though he should have braced himself better before dying laughing as now he is laying on the ground giggling. Virgil's head was hanging over his with a knowing look and Dmitri pushed him away. He sat up again, shaking his head to fix his hair and now was the moment Roman really took after his father because damn he gay. Hopefully he's not as hopeless as his father at saying it though.

“holy crap you're pretty”

…welp. Obviously, he's got a different problem.

“wha?”

And he was running upstairs. He couldn’t look any of them in the eyes as he rushed to his room. He dashed into his room and sat behind the door, cradling his uke. He took a deep breath before getting up and putting his uke away and curling up in bed, constellations spinning around his head.

 He tried to hide in his room until they went home, but Patton demanded he have breakfast with everyone. Well, demand is a strong word, he actually just bribed him with bacon eggs in a basket, and who could honestly say no to that? So, he got dressed in his favorite jeans that matched one of his dads, a tank top, and his oversized pink BTS love yourself off the shoulder hoodie and headed downstairs. He took his normal spot at the table and fiddled with his sweater paws out of sight.

“did you guys have fun last night?”

Sometimes Roman hated how little his dad could read the mood. He nodded and out of the corner of his eye he saw Dmitri nod as well. Virgil and Remy recounted a bunch of the antics from the night, and he chuckled inwardly at the disgruntled groan that came from Dmitri when they talked about the swear jar. Patton had smiled at him afterwards. They ate and he helped clean up when everyone was finished. He was about to retreat again when Dmitri had tugged on his arm, silently asking to step outside. He took a deep breath and hesitantly followed.

Dmitri was wearing a contrasted stripe shirt, on side black and yellow and the other black and white, ripped jeans, a leather jacket, and a beanie. Jesus hold on to your gay man, stop staring!!! He had his hands in his pockets and his eyes were moving all over the place. Roman was about to ask what he wanted when… well, he kissed him. And you know, once his brain recovered from gay shock, he kissed him back, unfortunately that was long enough for Dee to pull away and try to run off while signing… probably apologies?

Roman’s hand shot out immediately, grabbing his hand and standing on his tip toes to kiss him again. He felt him relax and his arms wrap around his waist, and he let his hands wrap around his neck loosely. He doesn’t know how long they were standing there kissing before he heard pictures being taken and arguing. He backed out of the kiss, eyes fluttering open to see his brother and Remy with their phones out and Patton restraining Logan who looked confused furious and proud at the same time. His eyes widened and he pulled himself out of the hold he was in before rushing over to his dad to try to calm him down. Dee flipped off Virgil and Remy, still dazed, and Virgil cackled.

“flipping me off counts as two swears boy, hand over that cash mate!”

Roman turned his head over to look at Dmitri with an apologetic face as Logan began pulling him off inside. Dmitri nodded in his direction with a slight smile and a wink. Patton followed Logan, still trying to calm him down, and Virgil nodded towards the front door.

“I think it would be a good idea if you guys were out of the house by the time pops is done with Ro. Lets get you out of here.”

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @fandomloverangel @asleepybisexual @starbucks-remy @idioticsky @ijustreallylovesanderssides @superwholocked-for-life @band-be-boss-blog @llamaly @logicality-trash @fiive-second-cookies @whats-going-on-kiddos @snowshoe-main-blog @007ardra @internetwhy @musikasworld @Sammy-is-obsessed

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing!!!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

[tired-af-p]

My dearest therapist E

Today i was scrolling through etsy trying to think of something thoughtfull to order for T.

Only three weeks till our last session and i thought it was time order something. I was doing it very mindlessly i guess because i just realised that the end is so close.

And before someone points it out, yes im very attached to her. Yes she knows. Yes we talked about it. Yes its ok.

She is my third therapist but she is the first one who who understood me, validated me, helped me. 4 years and although im doing very poorly in regards to anorexia, we worked so hard on other things and ive done so much progress.

- im in remission of BPD.

- i no longer experience PTSD symptoms unless im very triggered.

- i talk so much now, even to strangers.

- shame is not constant

- i became very self aware

(These are of top of my head, ill make another post with everything ive gained).

When i first met her, i honestly disliked her. She was too serious, too pushy, too stuborn. I only stayed with her because they told me that they believed that if i dont get into a “correct” therapy, i will die in three months time. She was one of the 4 therapist that practice dbt in Greece. We had none in Cyprus. I didnt really had an option. I was self harming daily and overdosing weekly (not to mention the other methods ive tried).

She made me trust her. She was honest and the fact that she was so serious that made me uncomfortable, made me realise that she is not playing around. She challenged me! Ive stopped self harming within 3 months. I dont recall how many times i woke her up in the middle of the night because i was suicidal, the countless times i felt bad because i needed help and it was Sunday, her day off, yet she made me text/call her until i was safe. Now, i rearly call her for skills. She calls me skills queen, i know the dbt skills by hard and use them without thinking about it.

My first impression of her, wasnt wrong but over the years, ive learned how funny and kind and loving she is! She gave me gifts in Christmas, she sends me long texts on birthdays and New Years, she even gave me gifts randomly just because. She hugs me at the end of every session (unless she is very angry with me), she holds my hand when we leave the building together, she took me to Starbucks, she hugged me when she randomly saw me in public, she hang all my drawings on her wall. Little things that mean so much to me and honestly some things i thought that a therapist couldnt do.

She cried when my dog died, she cried when i was very suicidal few months ago, she told me she loved me and how much she cared, she asked me to adopt me for Christmas because going home was very risky, she allowed me to text her every morning and ask her how shes doing, she calls me monster (which i find so cute), she visited me in hospital when i was IP.

We build a relationship so strong that even the head of dbt pointed it out when he saw me. I never thought i could have such a relationship with a therapist and thinking about it blows me away. We never crossed boundaries, we never said we are friends.

Im so devastated that i have to leave her. I really hope that she will keep the promise that we will still talk, that we can go for a coffee if im ever back to Athens or when she comes to Cyprus, that she will come to my graduation, that i can contact whenever i need help and that i can return whenever i have the money.

She is the best thing that happened to me, she made me stay alive and learn how to live, something that i never thought i would achieve. She teached me that some people can be trusted.

What a journey this has been. This is a relationship that i will forever cherish - as weird as it sounds-.

[jkdavidson-blog]

Reflection on Relationship/Romance

An open note to potential suitors, male counterparts, past/present/future partners, and anyone else who gives a shit:

 Single life has been interesting and enlightening, on both a personal and social level. Below is a response, fueled in part by exasperation and in part by bold self-affirmation, to my experiences with men and romance over the past several years.  

 First of all, let me say that courtship is a very mysterious thing to me. “Playing the field” has been the most confusing experience of my adult life, so far. I'm no good at flirting. I get shy around people that I'm interested in. I tend to lose my words and just generally make an ass of myself. I get that gross “stress sweat” and I probably forgot to put on deodorant. Sometimes I wonder why men show any interest at all.

 Also, why does communication have to get so complicated in these situations? Be forewarned, I will take your words literally and hold you to them, so be careful how you say things. My first assumption is that cuddle means cuddle, friends means friends, and getting together for a meal is just a shared reality of daily living—we all have to eat anyway. If I give it some thought, I might pick up on the hidden meaning behind your words and invitations, but truth be told I'm not so good at reading between the lines and interpreting your subtle signs of interest. Your flirtatious tactics may be cute, but please be frank with me so no one has to go off of assumptions. To assume only makes an ass of u and me, you know?

 To those of you confused because yesterday I wanted to hang out with you but today I'd rather keep to myself, or last week we had fun at the bar but this week I don't feel like drinking, please be warned that dualities are a hallmark of my being. I walk between many worlds. If you plan to stick around, you'll have to deal with that. At least I'm trying to be authentic with you by telling you what it is that I really want or don't want. I invite you to do the same. Please don’t do something/go somewhere/eat something that you really don’t want to on my behalf. If we’re actually compatible, I’m sure we can find some real common ground. I’m willing to look for it if you are, and if it’s not there, we can’t fake it. Let’s be real with one another.

 Also, please be open to the possibility that my wants and preferences will likely change over time. As human beings, we grow and evolve throughout our lives, sometimes slowly and sometimes rapidly. This is normal; change is the only constant. Furthermore, I don't think that continuing to acquiesce to the same patterns that you have indulged in the past when your desires and interests are actually now different is really conducive to opening up to the inevitable changes that we undergo as humans. As far as I can tell, it stifles growth to attempt to ignore such shifts in your being. So I try to stay true to whatever is true for me in the moment, even if it isn't consistent with expectations that have been established by my past actions or statements. Sometimes things change so much that our relationship just doesn’t work well anymore, and that’s okay too. I wish you continued growth and blessings on your journey, even after your path diverges from mine.

 My condolences to the men who’ve felt abandoned or “cut off” by me. Perhaps I failed to warn you about, or perhaps I did and you still underestimated my vast need for freedom and for solitude.

 Condolences to those who have felt discouraged by my reluctance to open up to you fully. I’ve lived behind walls most of my life. Sharing and openness are things I’m working with today, but they are new and foreign and still, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. If you’re really interested in knowing me, you’ll need to be “patient,” which I’ve come to understand is a too vague of a term for most people. Patience with me means months, not days or weeks, because in my humble opinion, if you’re worthy of being trusted your attention span must last longer than a high school football season. And, to those of you simply interested in getting in my pants, I advise you to fuck off immediately. You’re wasting my time and yours.

 Is this too much for you? Am I making things to complicated now? That’s fine. I may genuinely enjoy your companionship, but if you’re not there I’ll enjoy my own. I can love you but not “need” you, because as soon as I start needing you, that means I’m asking you to fill a void within me that I’m not able to fill myself, and if I get in the habit of always having you there to “complete” me, I’ll never learn to be whole on my own, and that’s a sort of vulnerability I’m not comfortable with anymore.

 If I “need” you, I’m asking you to be a certain way, or in a certain place, at a certain time, which crosses that fine line between honoring your independence and asking you to accommodate my wishes. What I’m asking of you may or may not be consistent with who you truly are, and the last thing I want to do is ask you to change yourself to satisfy me. Presumably, I was attracted to YOU in the first place; if I try to manipulate that, I run the risk of erasing the personality that drew me in to begin with. If I have the audacity to ask you to change in a way that you don’t want to change, I don’t believe either of us will be happy. If I choose to enter into a partnership, I want for it to be because I see you and love you for who you are, not who I can mold you to be. I desire a partner whom I can honor for the precious and amazing being that they are, not someone I shall change to fit my needs and preferences, as a tool to bring me greater comfort. If I can’t fully accept you as you are, then I don’t deserve your friendship. And I believe this, by the way, is a two-way street.

 I do realize that there are times when it’s necessary and beautiful to be able to lean on someone, but in the day-to-day sense of relationships and romance, I wish to maintain my independence and for you to maintain yours too, to whatever extent you desire. I strive not to ask anything of you that I wouldn’t want you asking of me. If I don’t hold up my end of that bargain, please call me out on it!

 Having said all of that, I also think that one of the most valuable things about our relationships with other humans is the ways in which they challenge and shape us. We see in the faces of others a certain reflection of ourselves that calls us to examine our own ideas, preferences, and motives. Sometimes we find ourselves in really awkward positions that make us uncomfortable and give us the opportunity to learn about what triggers us. Sometimes another person questions us or calls us to defend our views on something, which can be an opportunity to articulate our truth and/or examine that truth to see if it’s really a valid one. It’s an opportunity to check in and see if we are being loyal to our stated values. Other times, just getting to know someone and observing how they act can be an example for us—one we may aspire to follow or consciously avoid emulating. These are some of the most precious and important things about relationships with other people! So, I’m not writing this to say, “Hey I am who I am and I never want to change, so take it or leave it.” I do want to change, to become a better and better human being every year of my life, and I welcome the experiences that fuel that evolution—the joyful ones and the icky ones, too. What I am saying is that, in the context of a relationship, I don’t like for someone to try and dictate how I spend my time, where I spend it, or whom I spend it with. Crossing paths with someone serendipitously and mutually exploring what gifts you have to offer one another is one thing; forcing that union and demanding one or both parties change their behavior to maintain it artificially is quite another.

 Of course, I say this as a woman who doesn’t see marriage or child bearing in her future, so my views on relationship may be quite unique. Great, that’s why I’ve spelled them out to you here, so you can understand where I’m coming from and, even more importantly, so I can understand where I’m coming from. I believe it’s important to be clear about what we want—which is one of those concepts that is simple (in the sense that it is fairly straightforward) but not easy (easy to achieve, that is).

 Example: You say you want a job at company X, because it pays better and offers better hours than your current job. Or you need a new car, so you want a 2016 Subaru Outback in royal blue. Okay, so there are a lot of specifics there, but do they actually represent what you really want? Take the job, for example. It sounds like what you actually want are working hours that are more conducive to whatever else you do outside of work—hobbies, family obligations, etc. Also, with better pay you are hoping to more comfortably meet your financial needs and maybe even save up a little extra money to spend on whatever is fun or important for you. In a car, perhaps you are seeking more dependable transportation that fits your wide variety of driving needs, or you are seeking to make less of an impact on the environment in terms of using fossil fuels. The point is, those underlying wants often get masked by the specific ways in which we envision them being fulfilled. What if you didn’t get job X, but you got a different job that met your needs in a similar way, or your current boss miraculously agreed to give you a raise and adjust your schedule? What if you didn’t get the Subaru, but you found a trustworthy carpooling buddy and came across a reliable used car that you ended up buying instead? Would you still give thanks for your needs being met in the same way you would if they’d been met in exactly the way you pictured? I think it’s really important to acknowledge that we have what we need, regardless of what form it comes to us in. Anyway, I digress.

 So how is all that relevant to partnership? Well, what I’ve noticed in past relationships that sometimes, when my partner is unhappy with me because I’m not giving them what they want, it’s not really about me. It’s about them having a basic need, which they are probably not explicitly aware of, and expecting me to fulfill it for them. “You haven’t made time for me this week” sounds to me like “I need more companionship in my life lately, and I’d like you to fill that role.” Or, “It must be nice to be able to go on that trip; I would really love to go with you but I don’t have the money, and I probably never will” could also mean “I would like to travel but I have other financial obligations and priorities at this time and I don’t plan to reorganize my life to prioritize traveling anytime in the near future.”

 One trap people fall into with partnership is placing the burden of fulfillment on the other person, and often guilting their partner into actually accepting that burden. “You’ve been ignoring me, you must not care for me or value my company,” or “You’re abandoning me and our relationship to go have fun and travel the world with other people. You’re trying to replace me,” are the subliminal accusations to the statements above, but they entirely miss the source of those statements, which is that they person making them has some void or dissatisfaction within themselves that they’re counting on their partner to fulfill. They need more companionship or a restructuring of their living situation that allows them more freedom and leisure time, but instead of realizing the root cause of their unhappiness they’re simply feeling bad about their predicament and looking for someone to blame for it. And sometimes—in fact, more often than I’d like to admit—this kind of manipulation is effective and one person will sacrifice/compromise their desires to make the other person happy. Maybe this seems to work; maybe both parties are happy, at least for a little while. But it’s really just a band-aid on a wound that will continue to fester underneath. Unless the person with unacknowledged needs acknowledges them and takes steps to meet them (in a ways that does not place undue demand on their partner), those unmet needs will continue to cause dissatisfaction, and the person will continue to ask their partner to change and accommodate until that partner feels so stifled and out of touch with themselves they either lose their identity or get fed up with the relationship or both. That’s been my personal experience, anyway.

 So do a little introspection and get clear about your needs and wants. Check in with yourself before asking someone to change what they’re doing to make you feel better. Self-awareness and self-empowerment may be difficult to cultivate, but they bring you the kind of strength that cannot be taken away regardless of who enters or exits your life over the years. That kind of strength is truly priceless.

 Oh, and a foot note to the men who cat-call me the street—what  kind of woman are you looking for? My name is not “baby doll” or “sugar” or even “sexy.” I am not flattered by your advances—in fact, I’m rather unnerved—and I did not wear this skirt for your easy access. I’m not ignoring you because not rich enough or white enough or not wearing the right clothes. I might be ignoring you because you seem intoxicated. In the event that I did give you a polite nod and a hello as I walked by, I did so because you are a human being and deserve acknowledgement, not because I want to take you home with me. I walked past you because I was on my way somewhere, and your interest or carnal lust (whatever you want to call it) does not change my agenda. No, I don’t want to stop and talk to you for a minute, and no, I do not give my phone number to complete strangers. What do you even want to talk about?

 Jeez, what a ride it’s been, navigating interactions with the opposite sex. There seems to be so much to question, so much to demystify. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just want to hide out. In the past, I’ve “hidden out” by getting into another relationship—into another partnership that would quickly become predictable and familiar, something that would funnel most of the effort of relating to the opposite sex toward one person, which seemed more manageable. Being in a relationship would shelter me from having to field the attentions of other men and thus the confusion and awkwardness I spoke about above in the first few paragraphs. I sacrificed a lot of personal growth by doing that over so many years. I knew myself only as I related to my current boyfriend, not as I stood on my own two feet. My social circle and my “interests” were strongly influenced by my partner, and if he wasn’t around I lacked a definite sense of direction. My self esteem could be gauged by how attractive I felt to my partner or to other men. That has all changed for me over the past couple of years, as I’ve spent more time being single and invested more energy in getting to know myself and pursuing my own interests. Sometimes I feel I’m a little late to the game in that respect, but at least I’m getting around to it now.

 Another wonderful side effect of this process has been a deepening of my relationship with the sacred feminine in all areas of my life. That is, with my own feminine side, which for years I abhorred and alienated, as well as with other women, whom I had previously perceived as competitors but now view as fellow goddesses and dearest allies. Female companionship, I have learned, offers a superior respite from the complexities of dealing with our male counterparts, so long as we agree to honor and respect one another as sisters rather than opponents. Some of the things I value most about being in community with other women are the freedom from objectification, the equality, and the authenticity we are able to practice together. Of course, ideally all of these things would be achievable in any group regardless of sex/gender composition, but theory and practice remain separated in most events with regards to this issue.  

 As women, we may each be on our own unique paths, but there remains a certain sisterhood between us, a common goal we endeavor towards. We help one another along the way; such is our nature. I have had the privilege of learning a lot of valuable lessons from many outstanding and inspiring women along my journey, women from all walks of life. I think it’s also safe to say I’ve taught and inspired many of the women around me. Again, this is the basic value of relationship with other humans, applied to sacred sisterhood. Perhaps what I need more of in my life right now is sisterhood. The focus has, for quite long enough, been on trying to match myself to a man somehow. I am unique and whole already. There is no need to be matched or completed, only complimented.

 I’ll end this entry, as I so often do, with gratitude. Thank you to the men who have challenged me, made me uncomfortable, and revealed to me my weaknesses. You showed me where to focus my energy for growth, to examine my needs and how I meet them, and to find humor in the most frustrating and embarrassing situations. Thank you to the men who have overstepped my boundaries, so I could build them back up even stronger and more clearly defined than before. Thank you to the men who rejected me, let me down, or humiliated me. You reminded me to stand on my own two feet and be proud of who I am, regardless of your judgments. Thank you to the sisters who were there to listen to, hold, advise, and encourage me each time I was confused or disappointed by my romantic attachments. Thank you to the women who stand strong in their own power; you are my inspiration and affirmation. Thank you to the sisters still struggling with their own identity and self-esteem. You remind me to have compassion, for you and for myself (where I’ve come from and where I sometimes regress to). You cue me to reflect on what I’ve learned, and to speak my truth in a way that could help you on your path. Thank you to the two-spirits, calling for a dissolution of these traditional boundaries of gender and the stereotyped ways we interact as male/female. And finally, thank you to myself (and my Self) for facing this process head-on, with eyes wide open. I promise to seek always to love you and find value in you. Remind me to stay centered and be compassionate. Help me to live fully and authentically.

[thesedamnthoughtsofmine]

diary post

I’m gonna start off by saying that I met a guy. We talked for a week before meeting each other and going on the first date. I really like him. I don’t know how else to put it. He’s just a really good person and very caring. He pays attention. He seems to like talking to me. I don’t know how. lol. But he seriously is so amazing. So we met last night. He asked me out to dinner. The night started with him picking me up at my dorm and he shook my hand. lol. I could tell that he was nervous. I was nervous too, but I guess i’m better at hiding it. He almost hit another car. When we got to Applebee’s, the nerves started back up for him. I noticed that he wanted to fidget with the silverware, but he put that aside. THe questions were awkward at first, but I feel like that’s the point. It’s supposed to feel awkward. My nerves dropped during dinner. He seemed like an even greater person now that I met him. This led to him asking to watch a movie at his place. This sounded great because I didn’t really want the night to end to be honest. We watched “Hot Fuzz”. He asked if I wanted to cuddle, I of course said yes. I mean, I absolutely love cuddling and just being held. I can’t tell you how much it makes me feel loved. I missed it so much. The feeling of being held is just a really powerful thing for me. Things led to other things, but the short story is just going to say that we kissed. He was so cute with kissing my forehead. ugh. It made me smile so much. Anyways, he took me back to my dorm and emotions were running wild for me. It didn’t hit until I got back to my room. 

Before I talk more about that, I want to preface it with my borderline symptoms were seeming to be under control. I was having really good bpd days. I wasn’t feeling overly attached. I wasn’t feeling extremely lonely when I wasn’t being talked to. I didn’t feel abandoned. I didn’t feel a lot of black and white emotions. I was able to see the grey area. I felt like I was making some real good progress. I was already working with boundaries and I feel like I was doing a really good job. This isn’t to say that I lost the progress just because of a bad night, but all of my borderline symptoms came rushing in last night and hit me like a train. 

So getting back to the night. I sat down at my computer and a rush of emotions came flooding in. I’m gonna list some of my thoughts below

I messed up everything

I was way too forward

I shouldn’t have said that

I should have eaten all of my food

He probably hates me

what if he’s lying to me

what if this is all a game to him

what if this is going to be the last time I talk to him

what if he hates everything about me

why do I need constant validation to feel wanted

what the fuck is wrong with me

I am a terrible person

Why can’t I be easy to love

Why does my mind go to such extremes

I’m the worst.

Of course he doesn’t like me. look at me

After these thoughts, I try texting Rachel. She didn’t respond until this morning. I felt abandoned by her. I know she was busy though. She was with her other friends. But this caused me to feel jealous and worse. I know it’s not her fault. I know it’s my bpd being a bitch. Anyways, I try messaging Gavin. I thought that he might talk to me to calm me down from these paranoid thoughts. I told him that I am struggling and his response was “I am struggling too”. This pissed me off and I was just upset. I have been there for him so many times when he is feeling lonely and depressed and I talk to him for hours. I thought he could return the favor. That’s what friends are for. That’s what I thought anyway. Looking back on it now, He probably wasn’t in a good mind set to help someone. So I do understand. But I still feel like it’s kind of shitty for a friend to do. especially if I am there for him whenever he needs someone. I pick up every time he calls.  I’m still a little bitter about it. 

Anyway, I am still dealing with the thoughts that I listed above. They haven’t gone away just yet. I know I just have to ride it out. I know that it will pass eventually. I know it’s my bpd being a bitch. I know that it is only because of the date. I know that’s what triggered it. I was having good bpd days because I was single. I mean, I still am single. It’s not like it’s official yet or anything. We have only hung out once. But my emotions always do this. I know the pattern. My emotions rise when I start to like someone. Then my emotions get pretty messy to deal with. and like this timing is so shitty. It really is. Because my emotions are already fucked because the thing with Mitchell. like that has really messed me up with my depression and anxiety. and then I have to start liking someone at the same time. Like goodness. It’s a lot for my mind to handle. But I need to practice handling it. I just don’t want to fuck this up like I mess everything else up. I am tired of ruining good things in my life. I deserve good. I really do. Especially after this shitty year. I deserve something good in my life. I deserve Jeremy. But I’m scared i’m gonna scare him off. I’m really worried that he’s going to end up hating me once he gets to know me. 

I feel the urge to tell him everything. I just feel really comfortable with him already. I just feel like he is a very understanding person. But at the same time, I like to overshare and I don’t want that to scare him off. I don’t know when is the appropriate time to share certain things with him. I want so badly to explain bpd to him. But that’s a lot of scary information that could easily scare anyone off. Idk how he will take it. I mean, we have only hung out once. But I still feel like he should understand that part of me. It is a pretty big part, especially when i’m romantically involved with someone. I guess I just want to explain it to someone. I just feel like people don’t understand it. I feel very misunderstood in that way. I mean, I have told Rachel about it, but I still feel like she doesn’t get it. I feel judged a lot. But again, that could be the bpd speaking. I don’t know. I’m struggling today. and my mind is wandering because it’s 3 pm and he hasn’t texted me yet. and i know I shouldn’t be worried because I have no reason to worry. But i still feel like this means he hates me. I know that’s my bpd talking, but it still doesn’t take away from me feeling the things that I feel. I don’t know if I should text him or just wait until he texts me. I just don’t want to wait forever. 

[loveshalifeworld]

Copy of Why Do Women Hate Women...SO MUCH?

So I did a little research before writing this Blog. I watched a little Oprah, a little Iyala fix my life, little Love and Hip Hop Hollywood, ya know, the essentials 🤷🏽‍♀️ I can think of a million examples to start with from my personal experiences, friend's experiences, reality TV etc etc, but I'm going to use Cardi B as an example (just bare with me)

I am a super Cardi B fan! Boom, there, I said it. Not because of Bodak yellow, but because she has worked hard to get where she is right now, she just wants to help her family, she is honest about her life and who she is, and she is SO HUMBLE. This woman is still a super fan of every artist she was a fan of before she got her big break, and she is so appreciative of the people who support her music. She is just such a sweet girl, and it makes me proud to see her doing well! SO,  Nicki Minaj had kind of thrown some shade at her by liking a negative comment a "Fan" wrote on a Cardi's IG, and then posting a negative tweet clearly aimed at the new rapper mentioning her boyfriend. Cardi was CRUSHED because she said she couldn't understand why someone she admires so much would go out of the way to tear her down.

Why do we do that to each other? After my very intense research, I think I've got a few ideas:

Social conditioning: we are conditioned as young girls that we have to be better than the person sitting in front of us and behind us. From sports, to clothes, grades, how many friends you have, who you sit with at a lunch table, how to impress a guy more than the girl next to you. It's all been programmed in our minds. The competition (and no I'm not talking about friendly competition, because that is always healthy) is engrained so deeply in us, that we often feel the need to compete in areas where a competition should not even exist.  STORY TIME 🤗🤗 When I was in 7th grade I chopped my hair off because every girl in the 7th grade except maybe two at my new school HATED me because I "thought my hair was cute" (said the ring leader of the group) and because some guy had a crush on me that apparently was the hot guy of middle school. (Fun fact, I didn't start liking boys until summer of my 8th grade year, so their hate was ill directed.)  I'm sure you all are wondering why I remember that alllll these years later. Well I remember it because there was an entire grade of girls who hated me lol I was new and out of the ordinary, those girls were conditioned to hate me and to try to annihilate me, you never forget an annihilation attempt! There was a girl who actually came to me at lunch one day and said "I like you, you seem really nice! but everybody else hates you soooooo yep." She apologized to me as stuck a huge piece of gum in my hair as all the kids at the other tables laughed. I was so confused and I cried lol  I went home and cut my hair, told my mom I accidentally cut it.  After a while of course, the girls realized I did not wish to threaten the social balance and they backed off...for the most part. I later ended up dating the guy most of high school and became amazing friends/frienemies with those girls. I now understand that they had no choice but to hate me. Though I understand it, I don't want to raise my future daughter to treat people that way. I want to condition her mind in a way that she knows, there is room for all of us here to be great.   NOW THAT IM DONE CRYING ABOUT MIDDLE SCHOOL.... a more up to date scenario                                                                                                                                                                                             When I say unnecessary competition, this is what I'm talking about. Say we are in the gym, I don't know you, you don't know me right? I put my treadmill speed at 6.0 you bump yours up to 6.1, midway through I bump mine to 6.8 (because the app that I'm using tells me to,) you bump your up to 6.9 just to stay ahead of me, but now your halfway dead because you're trying to compete with me on something I've BEEN training at. I stop my treadmill to move on to something else and you're thinking "YES! I knew I could beat her 💁🏽" just before you fall off and pass out and get rushed to the hospital. Where as while you're dying, I'm not even aware of the fact that you exist, I'm just happy I was able to finish my run today for once, AND if you had asked me how did I train to to comfortable run for a certain distance, I would have been more than happy to tell you everything I know to help you out!! We are conditioned to feel as if we are in constant competition with each other.  This usually happens in cases of an oppressed people. You get that mentality where "I've gotta look better and have a better body or I won't find a husband.""I've gotta be better,  I've gotta get their first, or there won't be anymore left for me." "If someone Is better than you in anyway, you'll never make it out." That my loves, is the mindset of an oppressed people, and yes, women are an oppressed people. It's not your fault, we are literally trained to be better than each other by any means necessary. It's like Lord of the Flies up in girl world! (If you've never read Lord of the Flies, you HAVE to! That's a good book! It's about these boys who get stranded on an island and...well thats not important here I guess, but still go read it)

External Validation-  Validation (n)- recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. We have a constant need to be validated by the outside world, some women more than others, but we all need to be validated in some way.  In the movie mean girls Cady (Lindsay Lohan) started off pretending to be a mean girl, but as time went on, she actually became a really mean person because her thirst for validation continued to grow. Her need to be known as the prettiest girl in school, her need to be popular, her need to have the best clothes, her need to have the best hair; all of this because she wanted to feel validated by the outside world. She did't care about who she hurt or made fun or walked over, because her need for validation caused her to not care about being mean to anyone. She was perfectly fine and interesting on her own, but because she developed that need to be accepted and validated, it changed her. We need to hear "omg you're so much prettier than her" "omg your hair is way cuter than hers". MY (insert whatever) has to be BETTER than YOUR (insert whatever) or my dopeness is not VALID. NO SIS you're dope, I'm dope, we are all dope. Thats all the validation you need.

Success- I'm going to break success down in a few different areas

You know the saying "misery loves company"? You know how you will be having a great, lively conversation with one of your friends, and then you spring some good news on her and it gets reaaaallll quiet and dry on the other end of the phone? Women do not like when other women are happy. Whether its a happy relationships, happy at work, or just happy to be alive. Your friend tells you OMG I'm so excited, I just bought these new shoes and they were on sale. She is clearly excited, but secretly you're angry because you wanted those shoes and couldn't afford them that day, so you tell her the shoe s are ugly and make her feet look big, out of "love" of course. Or you have a friend that gets into a new relationship and is very happy, you blow up on her for talking about her new boyfriend, telling her that you're sick of hearing about him (after she has only mentioned him once), all because you're upset that you aren't getting a "text back".  You should want to see your friends happy. Whatever another woman is happy about, just let her be happy, and try to indulge a little bit in her happiness. Sometimes you just honestly, do not want to hear it, girl, I get it; that's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about if the only time you are enjoying a conversation, is if your friend is on the phone crying her eyes out about how her guy mistreated her or dishing about her awful day at work...that is what I'm talking about. I know people like that who are just eager to hear bad news about my life, soooo I don't tell them lol but if it excites you to learn about the low points in people's lives or to see another woman not doing so well, you really should take a look at yourself love. You need to ask yourself why the idea of another woman being happy makes you feel like the wicked witch being melted by rain on the inside.

Women hate to see another woman having a more successful career/business than her. You want to see your friends do well, but not better than you. In the field that I work in, there aren't always a lot of women around! So when I see another woman I'm happy like hey girl hey, lets be better than all these guys together lol It's not always like that, it's every woman for herself 🤷🏽‍♀️ Oh well.  Ya know, I recently met a young woman who is pretty awesome! We clicked immediately, like we both just KNEW ok, this is my soul sister. We chatted as she was doing my hair and the conversation flowed onto the topic of our dreams and we both had a similar idea! In most situations thats a no go, that conversation would have stopped right there because I don't want you to take my ideas and run off and be better than me. We should have been looking at each other side eyed lolGuys, we both got so excited when we realized we had the same idea and ended it with "SIS we need to get on this together, lets set up a meeting and lets collab" !!  You should WANT to see another woman doing well in a career, and if I can help you, or we can work together yesss lets do it. Women should Support women!

Women don't like women who they think are prettier or have a better body than them🤦🏽‍♀️🤔 I'm not even going to get into this one  because it's self explanatory. This is a terrible reason to hate someone... you hate me because you think I'm pretty or my butt is small and round, and I hate you because you're pretty and your'e butt is big and round. Soooo we are all out here admiring each other and instead of complementing...ugh I digress. ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

A QUICK RUNDOWN OF other miscellaneous reasons women hate other women

Women don't like women because of hair,

their shoes 

dressing too "slutty"

dressing too conservative

smiling too much,

having resting b*tch face

having a nice car

perfect makeup

waving

not waving

laughing too loud

she must have gotten a nose job

you stole my boyfriend in 3rd grade

I mean.....you guys get the point by now

I think that It all boils down to INSECURITY. We alllll have little insecurities, but just because I am unsure of myself in an area does not mean that I need to make myself feel better by tearing another woman down. Just because I feel there is an opportunity for another woman to be "better" than me in an area does not mean I should tear her down, talk about her, or discourage her, it just means that I need to make sure I continue to be MY BEST SELF. 

Guys, we desperately need to stop comparing ourselves to each other, that alone eliminates a majority of the issue. There is no comparison to YOU. Stop comparing your love life and your body and your hair. There will always be a woman who has a flatter stomach than you or a better butt or longer hair or a taller boyfriend. We have to be able to recognize the beauty in other women while still appreciating and admiring our own undeniable beauty. I guarantee you while you are looking at her wishing you had something she has, she is looking at you wishing she could have something you have. know why?? Because Every woman is a piece of art work carefully crafted by God. There is so much power and beauty in being a woman, and the world already tries to ta take that power from us, we definitely should not do it to each other.  Empowered women, empower women!! So, take your power back, by loving yourself. There is sooooooo much more that can go into this post, because there is some serious healing that has to go on in the girl's club ya'll, but I'm going to run out of characters lol. For now we have to stop being so nasty to each other! When you run into a woman wearing acute dress or a nice pair of earrings, just compliment her. Just walk up to her like "hey girl! your dress is the cutest thing I've ever seen." If you're going to compliment, might as well SUPER compliment.I do it all the time, like omg girl the way you slayed that ponytail is AMAZINNGGGG haha. Spread some love!Let me know how it goes! I hope you all enjoyed this one! Feel free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail.

PS: Don't forget to give yourself a compliment too 🌻

[thewanderingmacy]

Dublin and many rants

I’m trying to catch up so I can record my everyday. So I was in Dublin from April 9-18, which meant I celebrated my birthday there. Since I arrived on the 9th, I treated myself to a nice hotel room so I’d wake up properly on my birthday. The hotel was very boutique-y and cute. I bought some chips and shortbread cookies (I lived off of shortbread cookies in the uk and Ireland) and some chocolate covered raisins (also a fav snack) and spent my birth eve eating and watching downtown abbey in a beautiful hotel room. On my birthday, I had to check out but waiting for me at reception, thanks to a certain woman in my life, was a box of donuts. The receptionist was sweet and got me a tea pot and milk and everything and I sat in the lobby, ate two donuts and had some tea. Then I ventured to a coastal area in Dublin (Dun Laog… something like that) where I had an appointment to recolour my hair. My hair had gone yellow on the top and was grey on the bottom so I figured a good present to myself would be to fix myself. The deal was $55 for a cut, colour and blow dry. I needed a haircut too because the last haircut I’d gotten was a few one from a student and my hair was uneven. So I sat and got my hairs done for a couple hours. It turned out okay. Not great- a little patchy- but miles better than what I was dealing with before so I was satisfied. At that point, it was like 3-4pm, so I went back to the hotel (had another donut) and checked into the hostel I’d be staying at for the rest of the time. The hotel was in a quiet area just south of the main city centre but the hostel was smack in the middle of it all. It was honestly a bit too central- I had to deal with constant crowds when exiting the place. After that, I treated myself to one of my favourite meals- Ramen and then I saw Free Fire at the cinema (with popcorn and chocolate of course). The movie was actually pretty good. I’m a fan of the director’s and he didn’t disappoint. There was a great build up and the dialogue was hilarious. I went back to the hostel and had a final donut. And that was my birthday celebration. The rest of Ireland was spent mostly in the city centre, seeing the shops (there’s a great store called Primark I ended up wandering into daily). I saw the 3 museums of archaeology, design and nature, I went on a tour of Dublin castle and the palace, I saw the parks by the city centre, saw the main cathedral, saw a couple food markets and whatnot. It was pretty cold and rainy while I was there but I usually was able to force myself to continue with my plans. I went back to that coastal neighbourhood and went to a Sunday market and wandered the coast for a bit, before heading to the south suburbs where I got my ears (technically re) pierced for $15 which was a great deal. On the last day, I went to Malahide castle which I loved. It was surrounded by beautiful gardens and the whole space gave me downton abbey vibes. That same day I visited the old 19th century prison which was also wild.

I met a girl from Winnipeg in my dorm. She was traveling through Europe and was down to the last couple weeks of her trip. Few things to note about this interaction. One, she was one of the travellers that just buy a one way ticket and wing it. I don’t like that. She said she’d planned to do North West Europe but ended up in Italy and Hungary and Eastern Europe because she met people along the way. That’s great for her but to me, that’s just dangerous because she probably spend double the price for hotels and flights and transit, booking everything a couple days before. To be fair, she’s a mellow example because she had a plan to go back. I met a girl in Belfast who made me even more anxious because she was supposed to go back home to San Francisco 6 weeks ago but, on a drunken whim, went to Belfast from Dublin and has been there for weeks. She has a suitcase of stuff 3 hours from Dublin and said she wants to collect her things but doubts she will. That’s just reckless and immature. I think when people hear that I preplanned everything, they take it negatively but I think I love the fact that I have a plan and I know what I’m doing and I’m reading up on the history of my destinations and getting The Experience. Anyway, the second thing I took away from meeting this girl was that I need to work in film. She said she was studying Musical Theatre and Arts Management in post secondary school. So, I, assuming she has a legit passion for the arts, said I was anxious to get home so I can start working in film and get my career going. She completely disagreed and said I should enjoy traveling (which I am/trying to/focusing on) and that she isn’t excited to get back working on her art. I’m so excited to get my drivers license and PAing on sets and write screenplays and get a portfolio and connections going. I really am so anxious to work in film- I think I can say that I have a certified passion for working in film and that it isn’t just a way for me to feel important, validated, etc. Like I genuinely want to start creating things now. I have a list on my phone of film ideas I’ve gotten traveling and I’m taking a ton of photos for set references, and I’ve gone to museums in Bath and London and, now, Prague, dedicated to fashion history and I took photos of pretty much everything to catalogue for reference. Basically, talking to a fellow aspiring artist made me realize that I love planning and that I’m dying to work in film so the conclusion is I need a (pre)-production job asap.

(Different point but talking to other travellers mostly just validates my own traveling style. I was talking to these girls in my hostel and one was a total party girl, one was a Classic Tourist, though to be fair, she was from Brooklyn so she’s pretty normal but her travelling style was lame, and the third didn’t say much so I won’t include her. The partier was here to experience the club culture and was going to Cracow and a few other stops with the intention of experiencing the party scene. Okay the third girl did say something because she agreed with me that partying was just something we’re not interested in at all- to be fair, we were talking about pub crawls which are regulated and whatnot but it stands that I have no intention of taking a sip of alcohol on this trip. Like I just have zero interest in drinking. It feels like an outlet or excuse or something to be stupid, immature, reckless, which as we know now, I do not appreciate. A tangent from this tangent- I’ve come to realize everything I do boils down to wanting control and power (the love of planning, the no drinking interest). Anyway, I mentioned how I saw a classical music concert today, and the partier made a face like “ew” and I’ve been thinking about it, because I like the fact that I want to experience the arts and culture of the country. To be fair, I’m not shitting on her travel style- I told her, if you enjoy it, might as well go all out- she just shit on my style. Another example, she asked for suggestions of what to do and I mentioned how I went to a beautiful 18th century palace with stunning painting fresco ceilings and she was like oh god, no way. Seeing some nice ass ceilings is a damn good time. I get a kick out of seeing history and architecture and everything. Also, the second girl, The Classic Traveller, was showing me her souvenirs she bought and they all came from a random, unoriginal souvenir shop. I realized, I like genuinely would not even think to buy someone something tacky from a store like that. I’ve been going to Antique Fairs (I spent a whole $4 to look around) and visiting craft shops, looking for interesting gifts and souvenirs. Not be toot my own horn and be like I’m Original and Interesting, but like I’d like to think I’m better than spending $10 on some boring mugs that say I love Prague on them. Basically, comparing myself to these travellers, made me appreciate my style of travelling.)

Getting back to Dublin, I enjoyed the city. I didn’t adore it but I enjoyed it and felt like I got some nice experiences out of it. I think my expectations were built up too much because I’d heard amazing things about it and, while it was cute, it felt very familiar and, I’m realizing now, that that familiarity made me less likely to treat myself to food and experiences because it felt like I was just in Canada or something and I wasn’t in a new country, a new world where I needed to experience things. Like, being in the Czech Republic, I see desserts and think I need to get the full Czech experience but I never felt like I was immersed in Ireland. In fact, it was really hard for me to grasp that I was in Ireland at all. It never really checked in and, even though I’d been there for 2.5 weeks, I never really became overwhelmed by a sense of traveling in a foreign country. It just didn’t really affect me a lot and felt disjointed or something, I don’t know. That isn’t to say I didn’t see beautiful things and did really fun activities and ate great meals (I had great burritos in Ireland- I’ll never forget it), I just never felt immersed in Irish culture. Dublin reminded me, in terms of what it had to offer, of a version of the New York-Toronto comparison, where Dublin is Toronto and London is New York. It had some cute quirks and some nice architecture but it never felt overly unique. It was definitely a modern city with large mall complexes and expensive cafes. To be fair, I didn’t get to go on a tour (I went on one in the castle but not one for the whole city) and perhaps if I’d learned more about the history, I would have gotten a more detailed understanding of the city but it felt like a very modern city layered with some history.

That’s all I’ll say for now.

[loveshalifeworld]

Why Do Women Hate Women...SO MUCH?

So I did a little research before writing this Blog. I watched a little Oprah, a little Iyala fix my life, little Love and Hip Hop Hollywood, ya know, the essentials 🤷🏽‍♀️ I can think of a million examples to start with from my personal experiences, friend's experiences, reality TV etc etc, but I'm going to use Cardi B as an example (just bare with me)

I am a super Cardi B fan! Boom, there, I said it. Not because of Bodak yellow, but because she has worked hard to get where she is right now, she just wants to help her family, she is honest about her life and who she is, and she is SO HUMBLE. This woman is still a super fan of every artist she was a fan of before she got her big break, and she is so appreciative of the people who support her music. She is just such a sweet girl, and it makes me proud to see her doing well! SO,  Nicki Minaj had kind of thrown some shade at her by liking a negative comment a "Fan" wrote on a Cardi's IG, and then posting a negative tweet clearly aimed at the new rapper mentioning her boyfriend. Cardi was CRUSHED because she said she couldn't understand why someone she admires so much would go out of the way to tear her down.

Why do we do that to each other? After my very intense research, I think I've got a few ideas:

Social conditioning: we are conditioned as young girls that we have to be better than the person sitting in front of us and behind us. From sports, to clothes, grades, how many friends you have, who you sit with at a lunch table, how to impress a guy more than the girl next to you. It's all been programmed in our minds. The competition (and no I'm not talking about friendly competition, because that is always healthy) is engrained so deeply in us, that we often feel the need to compete in areas where a competition should not even exist.  STORY TIME 🤗🤗 When I was in 7th grade I chopped my hair off because every girl in the 7th grade except maybe two at my new school HATED me because I "thought my hair was cute" (said the ring leader of the group) and because some guy had a crush on me that apparently was the hot guy of middle school. (Fun fact, I didn't start liking boys until summer of my 8th grade year, so their hate was ill directed.)  I'm sure you all are wondering why I remember that alllll these years later. Well I remember it because there was an entire grade of girls who hated me lol I was new and out of the ordinary, those girls were conditioned to hate me and to try to annihilate me, you never forget an annihilation attempt! There was a girl who actually came to me at lunch one day and said "I like you, you seem really nice! but everybody else hates you soooooo yep." She apologized to me as stuck a huge piece of gum in my hair as all the kids at the other tables laughed. I was so confused and I cried lol  I went home and cut my hair, told my mom I accidentally cut it.  After a while of course, the girls realized I did not wish to threaten the social balance and they backed off...for the most part. I later ended up dating the guy most of high school and became amazing friends/frienemies with those girls. I now understand that they had no choice but to hate me. Though I understand it, I don't want to raise my future daughter to treat people that way. I want to condition her mind in a way that she knows, there is room for all of us here to be great.   NOW THAT IM DONE CRYING ABOUT MIDDLE SCHOOL.... a more up to date scenario                                                                                                                                                                                             When I say unnecessary competition, this is what I'm talking about. Say we are in the gym, I don't know you, you don't know me right? I put my treadmill speed at 6.0 you bump yours up to 6.1, midway through I bump mine to 6.8 (because the app that I'm using tells me to,) you bump your up to 6.9 just to stay ahead of me, but now your halfway dead because you're trying to compete with me on something I've BEEN training at. I stop my treadmill to move on to something else and you're thinking "YES! I knew I could beat her 💁🏽" just before you fall off and pass out and get rushed to the hospital. Where as while you're dying, I'm not even aware of the fact that you exist, I'm just happy I was able to finish my run today for once, AND if you had asked me how did I train to to comfortable run for a certain distance, I would have been more than happy to tell you everything I know to help you out!! We are conditioned to feel as if we are in constant competition with each other.  This usually happens in cases of an oppressed people. You get that mentality where "I've gotta look better and have a better body or I won't find a husband.""I've gotta be better,  I've gotta get their first, or there won't be anymore left for me." "If someone Is better than you in anyway, you'll never make it out." That my loves, is the mindset of an oppressed people, and yes, women are an oppressed people. It's not your fault, we are literally trained to be better than each other by any means necessary. It's like Lord of the Flies up in girl world! (If you've never read Lord of the Flies, you HAVE to! That's a good book! It's about these boys who get stranded on an island and...well thats not important here I guess, but still go read it)

External Validation-  Validation (n)- recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. We have a constant need to be validated by the outside world, some women more than others, but we all need to be validated in some way.  In the movie mean girls Cady (Lindsay Lohan) started off pretending to be a mean girl, but as time went on, she actually became a really mean person because her thirst for validation continued to grow. Her need to be known as the prettiest girl in school, her need to be popular, her need to have the best clothes, her need to have the best hair; all of this because she wanted to feel validated by the outside world. She did't care about who she hurt or made fun or walked over, because her need for validation caused her to not care about being mean to anyone. She was perfectly fine and interesting on her own, but because she developed that need to be accepted and validated, it changed her. We need to hear "omg you're so much prettier than her" "omg your hair is way cuter than hers". MY (insert whatever) has to be BETTER than YOUR (insert whatever) or my dopeness is not VALID. NO SIS you're dope, I'm dope, we are all dope. Thats all the validation you need.

Success- I'm going to break success down in a few different areas

You know the saying "misery loves company"? You know how you will be having a great, lively conversation with one of your friends, and then you spring some good news on her and it gets reaaaallll quiet and dry on the other end of the phone? Women do not like when other women are happy. Whether its a happy relationships, happy at work, or just happy to be alive. Your friend tells you OMG I'm so excited, I just bought these new shoes and they were on sale. She is clearly excited, but secretly you're angry because you wanted those shoes and couldn't afford them that day, so you tell her the shoe s are ugly and make her feet look big, out of "love" of course. Or you have a friend that gets into a new relationship and is very happy, you blow up on her for talking about her new boyfriend, telling her that you're sick of hearing about him (after she has only mentioned him once), all because you're upset that you aren't getting a "text back".  You should want to see your friends happy. Whatever another woman is happy about, just let her be happy, and try to indulge a little bit in her happiness. Sometimes you just honestly, do not want to hear it, girl, I get it; that's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about if the only time you are enjoying a conversation, is if your friend is on the phone crying her eyes out about how her guy mistreated her or dishing about her awful day at work...that is what I'm talking about. I know people like that who are just eager to hear bad news about my life, soooo I don't tell them lol but if it excites you to learn about the low points in people's lives or to see another woman not doing so well, you really should take a look at yourself love. You need to ask yourself why the idea of another woman being happy makes you feel like the wicked witch being melted by rain on the inside.

Women hate to see another woman having a more successful career/business than her. You want to see your friends do well, but not better than you. In the field that I work in, there aren't always a lot of women around! So when I see another woman I'm happy like hey girl hey, lets be better than all these guys together lol It's not always like that, it's every woman for herself 🤷🏽‍♀️ Oh well.  Ya know, I recently met a young woman who is pretty awesome! We clicked immediately, like we both just KNEW ok, this is my soul sister. We chatted as she was doing my hair and the conversation flowed onto the topic of our dreams and we both had a similar idea! In most situations thats a no go, that conversation would have stopped right there because I don't want you to take my ideas and run off and be better than me. We should have been looking at each other side eyed lolGuys, we both got so excited when we realized we had the same idea and ended it with "SIS we need to get on this together, lets set up a meeting and lets collab" !!  You should WANT to see another woman doing well in a career, and if I can help you, or we can work together yesss lets do it. Women should Support women!

Women don't like women who they think are prettier or have a better body than them🤦🏽‍♀️🤔 I'm not even going to get into this one  because it's self explanatory. This is a terrible reason to hate someone... you hate me because you think I'm pretty or my butt is small and round, and I hate you because you're pretty and your'e butt is big and round. Soooo we are all out here admiring each other and instead of complementing...ugh I digress. ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL!!

A QUICK RUNDOWN OF other miscellaneous reasons women hate other women

Women don't like women because of hair,

their shoes 

dressing too "slutty"

dressing too conservative

smiling too much,

having resting b*tch face

having a nice car

perfect makeup

waving

not waving

laughing too loud

she must have gotten a nose job

you stole my boyfriend in 3rd grade

I mean.....you guys get the point by now

I think that It all boils down to INSECURITY. We alllll have little insecurities, but just because I am unsure of myself in an area does not mean that I need to make myself feel better by tearing another woman down. Just because I feel there is an opportunity for another woman to be "better" than me in an area does not mean I should tear her down, talk about her, or discourage her, it just means that I need to make sure I continue to be MY BEST SELF. 

Guys, we desperately need to stop comparing ourselves to each other, that alone eliminates a majority of the issue. There is no comparison to YOU. Stop comparing your love life and your body and your hair. There will always be a woman who has a flatter stomach than you or a better butt or longer hair or a taller boyfriend. We have to be able to recognize the beauty in other women while still appreciating and admiring our own undeniable beauty. I guarantee you while you are looking at her wishing you had something she has, she is looking at you wishing she could have something you have. know why?? Because Every woman is a piece of art work carefully crafted by God. There is so much power and beauty in being a woman, and the world already tries to ta take that power from us, we definitely should not do it to each other.  Empowered women, empower women!! So, take your power back, by loving yourself. There is sooooooo much more that can go into this post, because there is some serious healing that has to go on in the girl's club ya'll, but I'm going to run out of characters lol. For now we have to stop being so nasty to each other! When you run into a woman wearing acute dress or a nice pair of earrings, just compliment her. Just walk up to her like "hey girl! your dress is the cutest thing I've ever seen." If you're going to compliment, might as well SUPER compliment.I do it all the time, like omg girl the way you slayed that ponytail is AMAZINNGGGG haha. Spread some love!Let me know how it goes! I hope you all enjoyed this one! Feel free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail.

PS: Don't forget to give yourself a compliment too 🌻