#i was thinking about all the stupid aliases hardison must have made them over the years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eggy-tea · 4 years ago

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Oh hey want to see what took over my brain yesterday night?

When they first start working together, Hardison repurposes a bunch of his personal identities for the rest of the team. He even dumps his entire unsold supply of fake IDs into the group resource pool -- the kinds of jobs they're pulling, it's not like he'll miss that extra pocket change anyway.

The problem is, that kind of easy-access back catalogue means nobody respects the time and effort that goes into creating a solid alias. You'd think they would; working alone meant that they all used to have to do the work for themselves, but it's not long before they're making up names in the middle of a con and expecting him to instantly back up their lies, as though what he does is simple -- poof, wave a magic wand and suddenly Tommy Palazzo is a real boy.

Of course he bitches about it -- if he doesn't complain, they'll never learn -- but Hardison's a team player. He starts working smarter. He's got multiple tiers of identities so they're not burning hours of his work on a cover that only needs to hold up to a quick google search. He's got his "blanks" -- IDs and occupation histories for each of them just waiting for a name to be filled in. And he's got his use-only-in-the-event-of-a-genuine-goddamn-emergency cache of utterly bulletproof, absolutely law-abiding alter-egos that he's been carefully maintaining in secret ever since they first had to leave LA in a hurry. The kind of identities that would fool a grandma into thinking she was your grandma.

Only they've been running a long con on some truly ruthless bastards, and things went real south real fast today in a way that might have just been bad luck, but also might mean that they need to leave town, like, yesterday. Become untraceable for a bit until things blow over.

Problem is, now that he and Eliot and Parker may actually have to use those last-resort IDs, Hardison has to admit that he might have maybe gone a tiny bit overboard with the whole thing. Just a little. It's just -- somewhere along the line, maintaining and updating his emergency files went from an item on the to-do list into a weird kind of hobby he'd poke at in his downtime.

Look, his priorities changed, and that's a good thing, right? Sure, it's always been safer for them to split up and lay low for a while when things have gone to hell, but also, that sucked. He doesn't like being away from his people for weeks, sometimes months at a time just because some asshole's got it out for them. What's the point of being a genius polymath hacker if he can't use his skills to build himself a safety net that lets him hold onto the people he loves?

So maybe it started out as him building little connections between the identities -- reasons for them to know each other that were so mundane, they wouldn't possibly trigger any alarm bells anywhere. And then maybe he started weaving in little things he knew Parker and Eliot liked -- normal things, nothing to arouse suspicion, but if they ended up stuck in these personas for a while he didn't want either of them to feel like they couldn't be themselves. Like he didn't want them to be themselves. Which maybe led a to something that, now that he's looking at it from an outside perspective, could possibly seem just a little like he was writing fanfiction AUs about his partners.

Also, he might have come up with the names way back when him and Eliot pissing each other off on the regular was only mostly a joke between them.

About thirty seconds ago, when Parker was looking all sad about how they might have to split up for a while and Eliot was trying his best to look gruff and stoic about it, Hardison was excited to reveal the ace he'd been carefully hiding up his sleeve for so long. Now that they're actually looking at that ace, though... he's starting to have second thoughts.

"Ricky LaBelle, Hardison? Are you kiddin' me?"

Parker leans over to look at the papers that Eliot's brandishing menacingly in Hardison's face.

"Ooh, it says here that Ricky's runs a food blog. It's even got the URL -- Hardison, pull it up on the big screen."

Hardison's not in the habit of denying Parker the things she wants, but he's got at least some sense of self-preservation. He splits the difference and pretends he didn't hear her -- easy enough to do when Eliot's pulling his looming angry man act. (How Eliot manages to loom over him when Hardison's got at least four inches on him, he'll never understand, but it's a neat trick. He's going to have to convince Eliot to teach him, someday.)

"You've gotta change that name, man. It could take us weeks to take down Merchant's organization. I'm not being Ricky LaBelle until then."

"And why not? There's nothing wrong with Ricky LaBelle."

"I knew a Ricky when I was a kid. He was terrible," Eliot says, like that's somehow justification enough for rejecting Hardison's creative genius outright. "I'm not being Ricky. And LaBelle -- what is that, some kind of Beauty and the Beast thing?"

"Ricky's Cajun! It's French! And here I thought you had culture. You think a foodie like you would recognize French when he sees it." Hardison takes refuge in bluster to try to hide the fact that yes, it was a Beauty and the Beast reference. Look, Hardison has eyes. Was he supposed to look at Eliot and somehow not notice that he is a very good-looking man? A very good-looking man who could almost certainly kill Hardison with his pinky finger if he ever chose to? Who could also be a bit of a jerk sometimes, especially in those early days? That made Eliot both a beauty, and a beast. At the time, Hardison had thought it was pretty clever.

"I know it's French, Hardison. I speak French. I speak enough French to know that you're using the feminine form, too."

Parker, praise Jesus, finally decides to come to his defense.

"I don't see what the problem is. You're very pretty, and we like it when you show your feminine side," Parker says matter-of-factly. "Now stop arguing. I'm trying to read your recipe for chocolate mug cake."

That manages to distract Eliot enough that he looks at the screen, where Parker has gotten tired of waiting on Hardison and pulled up Eat Well with Ricky LaBelle herself. It's part reviews, part recipes, even has a few of Eliot's more impassioned food rants that Hardison's pretty sure Eliot thinks he tunes out. Also, it has archives going back ten years. It's good work, is what it is. Ricky LaBelle is a labor of love.

So yeah, Hardison thinks it's a little unfair when Eliot takes one glance at the page and growls one of his Eliot-growls -- and not the sexy kind, the I-want-to-punch-a-hole-in-something kind.

"Is that -- did you just list cake mix as an ingredient?"

"Hey! This is an alias. An a-li-as. We don't want it to be too close to the truth. Besides, people still love your food! Ricky LaBelle is the Pinterest king of semi-homemade. He's got a following."

It's been a while since Hardison's been on the receiving end of one of Eliot's truly murderous glares. Turns out they're way less sexy when they're aimed at you.

"Take it down. Now."

"No! Do you have any idea how much work went into this? It's an integral part of the identity -- I can't just get rid of it without compromising the whole thing."

"Then give me the password. Delete it, or let me fix it."

That's... a fair demand, really. Plus, if Eliot takes over the blog, that's less work for Hardison. He can put more time into his alias's cosplay Instagram and Parker's -- sorry, Diana Noble's -- imported junk food reviews.

"If I let you take over, you have to promise not to ruin the brand. Not everyone has time to grow their own radishes, Eliot. People appreciate having recipes that are quick and easy and taste good."

Eliot's mouth twitches like he wants to say something, but he cuts himself off with a huff of breath somewhere between frustrated and resigned. Visibly bites back his next comment, too.

Hardison's a little worried he's broken Eliot. Parker won't be happy about that -- where is Parker, anyway?

After another moment, Eliot finally manages to grind out, "I promise that everything I post will be idiot-proof enough that even you could make it. But it's gonna be real food, real ingredients."

Hardison considers rising to the bait, but figures it's better just to take the win on this one -- especially if he's going to push for his next point.

"Stuff that can be made on a budget, Eliot. None of that 'only the finest peaches airlifted straight from Georgia' BS. Not everyone's a criminal multimillionaire."

"Fine. Budget-friendly eats for the family on the go. You happy now?"

Hardison nods, satisfied. "Eat Well is yours. It updates Wednesdays and Saturdays. I'll show you how to set up a queue and everything so you don't miss a day when we're on a job."

Eliot rolls his eyes, but he's starting to get that look on his face that means he's digging into a problem to be solved, so Hardison thinks he might be off the hook this time. Heck, he might even pick up a few tricks, if he keeps following the blog -- he wouldn't mind having a few Eliot-approved meals he can whip up quickly the next time he's gotten so hyperfocused on a project that he's forgotten to eat for twelve-plus hours.

He's starting to feel pretty good about the whole situation when Parker's voice comes wafting from the kitchen.

"Eliot, do we have any cake mix?"

"Dammit, Hardison!" Eliot glares daggers at Hardison before stomping off toward the kitchen. "Parker, I will bake you a cake as long as you promise to never insult my kitchen with that microwave abomination."

"Okay. Can you make the chocolate peanut butter one that I like?"

The sigh Eliot lets out speaks of long suffering in the face of unreasonable demands, but Hardison doesn't need to be able to see his face to know that he's got a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. They're neither of them any good at saying no to Parker. "Grab me the cocoa from the top shelf while you're up there, would you?"

Hardison listens to the sounds of Eliot getting to work as he putters around the briefing area, turning off the screen and tidying up the documentation packets. That wasn't so bad, really. At least they didn't fight him on using the linked identities. They still might have to skip town in a hurry if the next few days go as bad as they potentially could, but if they have to go, they'll go together. Hardison can deal with anything else that comes their way as long as he has Parker and Eliot by his side.

He wanders off in the direction of the kitchen, whistling tunelessly.

(Turns out it was just astoundingly bad luck that got them almost caught that day. The stress of it lights a fire under them. They take down Merchant's organization within the week.

They don't end up needing the identities, but now that he knows about it, Eliot refuses to cede creative control over Ricky LaBelle's blog. Hardison does the photography and design, but the content is all Eliot. To Hardison's surprise, its popularity explodes -- legitimately so; he wasn't even trying to make it go viral. Soon Ricky's fielding requests for guest posts and interviews. He's even got people asking for merch featuring some of his more colourful quotes, and companies are contacting him about sponsored content, which Eliot always turns down -- he refuses to do anything that might compromise Ricky's integrity.

Eat Well wins a Webby the next year.

Eliot never lets Hardison live it down.)

#leverage #i was thinking about all the stupid aliases hardison must have made them over the years #and how he almost certainly has some that he's made just for the purpose of riling eliot up #and this happened #this is set at some point not too long post-show #hardison still maintains last-resort aliases for nate and sophie just in case #but he's not quite as obsessive about updating them #also eliot labelle is a real last name there are lots of guys named labelle get over yourself #(eliot not actually that insecure in his masculinity. it's just another excuse to growl at hardison)#my writing #leverage ot3

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