#i was looking through the old song playlist to find some hypotheticals she could play and came upon this one

[ramenwithbroccoli]

This is my way of saying my fanbot would adore her.

Janka would make an entire love song compilation for them. because that's what valentines robots like, right?

i think she would really enjoy spending time with Hearty Harmoni and Skips (creator-didn't-make-them-legs gang), but there is always something missing when she can't communicate her exact feelings, often just staying silent to not waste her energy. so when the night comes, she thinks about what would it be like - to go on a walk and have a nice chat, using your own words :]

[junebug-is-on-jupiter]

Party Crasher | Daniel Wagner

Content warnings: depictions of anxiety and panic attacks.

Playlist: Right Where you Left Me - Taylor Swift The Gold - Phoebe Bridgers Outta my Head - First Aid Kit

The party was loud. People were gathered in clusters throughout the living room, kitchen and the foyer. Dylan and I squeezed through the masses just to get a few feet into the apartment.

We got here late so most of the participants were already drunk. Maybe one might argue that I skipped out on the boring chit-chat part and now get to watch intoxicated people do stupid stuff, such as the young man who was currently trying to surf his way down the stair railing. 

But if hypothetically, you were to have that argument, I would suggest that you don't know me all that well. If there's anything I hate, it's loud places full of people doing loud, stupid things. Football for instance, is not my favorite, but arguably even more nerve-racking was a party, especially one hosted by the Kiszka Brothers. The three of them could rival a zoo, in both their noise level and their ability to go wild.

Tonight was a gathering that I had been talked into by my boyfriend Danny, but mostly my roommate and best friend Dylan. It was being hosted at her boyfriend Jake's apartment which was considerably spacious, but 30 some young adults packed into a Nashville apartment was just a bit overwhelming in my opinion. Despite my protests, Dylan demanded I come with her, saying it would help me let loose. My dad had gotten hospitalized for some heart problems recently and my stress levels have been steadily rising.

"You look like you're going to be sick, here I'll go get you a drink. Rum and coke?" Dylan asked as we walked in. 

"Rum and Coke sounds nice, but whatever they have. Well, not a salty dog... or anything else Josh is bartending." I made a face at the memory of our last bonfire when Josh had whipped out something he called the "JMK Special" that tasted like vinegar and piss. I was rightly being cautious this time.

"Smart choice, I'll be right back." Dylan assured me, disappearing into the crowd.

Without my safety blanket, I felt a little lost for a second. I didn't know many people here, they probably don't recognize me either. I bet they think I'm party crashing or something. What should I do? I could mill around for a few minutes, but then Dylan couldn't find me again. Maybe I should've followed her, but then she would think I'm being clingy.

There were a lot of important looking people here, many musicians, tech crew and old friends who I vaguely recognized, but not enough to go up to.

"Y/n!" A voice suddenly called from my left, walking over from the kitchen.

I turned to greet him and smiled at seeing a familiar face. It was Jake.

"Hey Jake, cool party." I told him, struggling to make eye contact.

"Eh, pretty mediocre. Cory got a hold of the music. Dylan here?" He asked, glancing around. The party was a swell of noise, the sound vibrating, maybe the bass a little too high. Jake was right, Cory had gotten to the music and was playing some rap song that I couldn't understand the lyrics too. I liked some rap, but this was too much.

"Yeah, she went to get some drinks, she should be back in a minute." I explained, eyes darting around the room. Flitting from face to face. I noticed my breathing became shallow and I breathed in deeper to try to calm myself down.

“Looking for Danny?” Jake asked, observing me surveying the room.

“Yeah,” I lied, “Where is he?” We have been going on 4 months now. Jake and Dylan being the main instigators in getting us together since we had both been too reserved to tell the other how we felt. Danny and I had agreed to meet here since he was going to help Jake set up, but I hadn't seen him so far.

“He had to get more ice. They always tell you to get more ice than you’ll need, and it's true, cause we always run out early...  Hey are you alright?" Jake asked, having to yell a little to be heard. 

The increased volume made me jerk subconsciously, my eyes snapping shut. “Um yeah, just loud.” I answered, struggling to keep the quiver out of my voice. I think I was having a panic attack. 

Noise set me off most times, but when he suddenly reached over and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, I stopped working.

"Hey um where's the... God, the fucking-" I banged on my head with my palm, trying to think of the word.

"Woah," Jake grabbed my hand to stop me from going for round two, but I jerked away from him. 

"Y/n, what's going on?" I heard a voice ask. It was Dylan back with my drink. I couldn't let all these people see me cry right now. I tried to say something to Dylan, but my voice wouldn't work. Instead I opted to turn from the room and bolt towards the stairwell. People crowded my way and I saw a blur of Danny's concerned face and a bag of ice, but I didn't slow down.

The bathroom would be full, but Jake had a guest room so I booked it there. I pushed my way through the people in the hallway waiting for the bathroom, partially trying to escape the calls from Dylan for me to slow down.

Finally I reached the guest room, and lucky for me it was empty. I collapsed on the floor in the closest corner and as Dylan came in and shut the door behind me, I lost it. She didn't say a word at first, just handed me my drink so I downed a few gulps.

"Slow down, what's wrong?" She asked, concern evident on her face.

"Too loud." I explained.

"Panic attack?" She asked. She knew me too well to pretend it was anything different.

I nodded, forgoing words to drink some more from the red solo cup.

"Gimmie that, you're not going to drink away your problems, that's my job." She smiled a little. This cup had been gradually erasing my problems, but I handed it over anyhow.

As the cup hit her hand, a bang hit the closed door. Dylan must have locked it to deter party goers.

"Y/n... it's Danny, let me in." He insisted.

I shook my head, no way was Danny going to see me like this. I knew mascara was probably having a relay race down the side of my face, and I was still panicking. My hands were clammy and my eyes had a crazy look. My body is very irrational right now. If he comes in here, he's going to think I'm insane. He won’t want me anymore.

"She doesn't want to see you right now." Dylan called back, walking over to the door so he could hear her.

"What? Did I do something? Is she mad at me?" He asked, sounding a little nervous.

Dylan glanced at me, not knowing the answer. I sighed, feeling really bad that he thought this was somehow his fault. I shook my head to Dylan.

“Dylan, just let me in. Please, I need to know.” he pleaded. The sound of his voice made my heart break a little.

I took a deep breath, trying to regulate it enough to speak. Finally I managed, "I’m fine, Just a panic attack. Go back to the party, Danny." I sniffled, my voice sounding far away, and not at all like I was fine.

"No, you're upset right now, I'm not going to go party. Just let me in so we can talk." He exclaimed through the door.

"Let him in, he's going to have a panic attack next if he doesn't lay his eyes on you in the next thirty seconds." Dylan pleaded. I hid my head, but motioned for them to open the door.

As soon as the door was unlocked, he practically fell through. "What's wrong?” was out before he had even taken a step inside. I still hid my head, I was ashamed. 

“I’m fine” I said, the words muffled from my sweater. I heard the shuffling of feet and then felt arms wrapping themselves around me. Curly black hair fell into my vision and the smell of clean laundry, patchouli and a hint of weed clouded my space in the best way.

“I'm going to see what Jake is up to. I'll turn my ringer on, call or text if you need me.” She reminded me. I picked my head up a little, Danny’s shoulder blocking most of my view, but I nodded at her anyway, mouthing my thanks to her before she shut the door behind her.

Danny leaned back, taking in my tear stained cheeks and red eyes. He pursed his lips, running his thumbs under my eyes to get rid of the tears gathered there. 

“I’m sorry Danny. This was supposed to be fun.” I pointed out, getting teary eyed again.

“Hey, don't worry about that. When I’m with you, I’m always happy.” He reassured me, holding my face like he was my anchor. 

“No, I ruined your night. You should go.” I urged, leaning into him despite what I had just said. 

“Baby, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. You cant get rid of me that easily. Why do you think I dont want to be here?” Danny asked, his eyes pleading more than his voice did. 

“You know I really don't want you to leave. I just...” I trailed off, wondering how honest I should be.

He looked at me paintently.

“I feel really stupid. Nothing even happened, yet here I am in shambles over some noise. It’s a party, there’s going to be noise. And now I’ve dragged you into this, and you probably think I’m crazier than a bag of cats. This is the least attractive situation I could be in and were only 4 months in, you could break up with me over this, and you know what? I wouldn’t even blame you, because this is really, really stupid.” I choked out, avoiding his gaze.

I could see his blank stare out of the corner of my eye, then his lips turned up into the tiniest grin. “Y/n” He started, scooting backwards until his back was at the wall beside me. “You had a panic attack. That’s never something to be ashamed of. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately and you've been handling this like a champ up until now. You deserve a little break down, its healthy.”  He explained, I leaned my head on his shoulder. Just being in his atmosphere made me feel calmer.

“And you know, this party is stupid. Josh has been drunk since four pm, Sam is fighting with his girlfriend, and if Jake sends me to get ice one more time, I’m going to put my head through a wall. I’ve been excited for you to get here all day.” He continued.

“This party IS stupid.” I agreed, smiling a little.

“Let's go to your place, Criminal Minds is calling my name.” He offered, finding my hand and lacing our fingers together. 

“Really? Cause I think it's calling my name too.” I smiled up at him.

“There is nothing that could ever make me not want you, but especially not something like this. I’m always in your corner.” he said.

“That just earned you a trip to the Thai place on the way home.” I said, he smiled. “And thank you, I’ll always want you in my corner, no matter how much I say I don’t.” I added, feeling a weight lifted off my chest that this was resolved.

“I’m holding you to the Thai food.” He grinned.

[myhahnestopinion]

THE AARONS 2020 - Best TV Show

It was prime time for TV in 2020, with many more free hours to fill. I managed to get through a lot of my backlog in fact, finally getting around to watching shows like The Strain. It’s a show about a deadly disease that tears society apart because a lot of arrogant people think they are exempt from quarantining. The disease turns people into vampires, so it’s technically escapism. Here are the Aarons for Best TV Show: 

#10. The Plot Against America (Miniseries) - HBO

It’s not TV, it’s not HBO, it’s real life. The Wire-creator David Simon’s penchant for illustrating the human fallout of institutional failures made him a perfect collaborator for HBO’s Plot Against America, an adaptation of Phillip Roth’s alternate-history novel. Following a Jewish family in New Jersey navigating the increasingly-fascist America of a hypothetical Charles Lindbergh administration, the show is a terrifying warning of what happens when hatred and conspiracy theories are allowed to accumulate political force. Notably, while the book ends with history back on the right track, the closing moments here are left ambiguous. The show was a limited series, but in many ways, The Plot Against America is ongoing.

#9. Mrs. America (Miniseries) - FX

Its interests are married to The Plot Against America, but Mrs. America traces the country’s rising extremism from a more historically accurate perspective. The miniseries centers on political activists in the 1970s on opposing sides of the proposed Equal Rights Amendment, but its dialogue isn’t a strict dichotomy. The episodic format is expertly utilized to build out intersectional ideas from the likes of Rose Byrne’s Gloria Steinem, Uzo Aduba’s Shirley Crisholm, and Margo Martindale’s Bella Abzug, detailing the difficulties in building a diverse coalition, and the dangers of a single-minded one. Drawing parallels to current debates, its compelling centerpiece is how conservative Phylis Shafley (Cate Blanchett) successfully defeats the Amendment; voting against your own self-interests, Mrs. America says, is as American as apple pie.

#8. The Outsider (Miniseries) - HBO

Societal collapse comes from within in the two shows mentioned above, but the threat in HBO’s adaptation of Stephen King’s 2018 novel is decidedly an “other.” King clearly had his mind on modern manipulations of truth when crafting the ingenious premise: a man is arrested for the murder of two young boys due to irrefutable DNA evidence, only to provide an air-tight alibi for the crime. To match King’s procedural prose, HBO brought on The Night Of’s David Price, who layers the original work with meticulous mysteries. The Outsider has all the pulpy jolts expected of the author, but the show’s true horror lies in its overbearing grief, best brought to life by Ben Mendelsohn’s Detective Anderson. To say more would be to spoil its secrets; you’ll want to be on the inside.

#7. Perry Mason (Season 1) - HBO

Just like the famous fictional attorney, HBO can’t seem to lose, with Perry Mason marking its third entry on this list. The reimagining of the long running court drama actually takes place before the character’s illustrious law career; here he’s a down-on-his-luck private eye caught up in a scandalous child kidnapping case. The result’s a gangbusters production of old-fashioned moody noir: political corruption, femme fatales, and a more morally-complicated Mason, as played by The Americans’ Matthew Rhys. The lavish period details and character-actor cast, including Shea Whigham, John Lithgow, and Tatiana Maslany, will help draw viewers in, but, I’ll confess, I was already hooked by the season’s chilling opening moments.

#6. Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist (Season 1) - NBC

Dour seasons have dominated this list thus far, but Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist sings a different tune. It’s a lovably oddball premise: an accident during an MRI causes a young woman, played by Jane Levy, to hear other people’s thoughts in the form of popular music. It’s all karaoke, but, emphasized by the presence of Skylar Astin, a worthy inheritor to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s musical-comedy crown. The tracklist, workplace antics, and love-triangle drama all exist in a comfortingly familiar network TV realm, but the show takes additional steps for inclusion with stories highlighting Zoey’s genderfluid neighbor (Alex Newell) and an American Sign Language performance of Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song.” During a year in need of shuffling off stress, there was no better time to queue up Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist.

#5. What We Do in The Shadows (Season 2) - FX

FX’s expansion of the mockumentary feature film of the same name lit up some of the darker corners of its universe in the show’s second season, transforming mundane-seeming material into something completely, uniquely batty. Each creature of Shadows took their turn in the spotlight this season, from a middle-management promotion gifting energy-vampire Colin Robinson unlimited supernatural power, to undead Nadja befriending a doll possessed by her own ghost, to Matt Berry’s Lazlo forging a small-town persona as a bartender/volleyball coach to escape a vengeful Mark Hamill. As always, it was the sympathetic Guillermo (Harvey Guillén), a Van Helsing descendent desperate to become a vampire, who gave the show its emotional stakes, and the vampires within a different kind altogether.

#4. Stargirl (Season 1) - DC Universe

Shadows was lit, but few things burned brighter this year than Stargirl (perhaps too brightly for the flamed-out DC Universe). The superhero drama is one of several that will outlive its original streaming service - fitting, given its obsession with legacy. Based on a character created by DC Comics stalwart Geoff Johns after the tragic loss of his sister, the show finds a young girl taking on the mantle of a fallen hero after moving to a town run in secret by supervillains. With sprightly fight choreography and an unabashed embrace of its comic book lore, Stargirl outshines the overabundance of small-screen superheroes out there. Its highlight is the bright performance of lead Brec Bassinger; put simply, she’s a star, girl.

#3. BoJack Horseman (Season 6b) - Netflix

Throughout its run, BoJack Horseman garnered acclaim for routinely delivering unexpected pathos, and the final season kept it on that track until the end. ...Get it, because horses run on tracks? The unexpected porter of television’s legacy of antiheroes ended in much the same vein as its sister shows - with consequences finally catching up with its protagonist. No amount of fanciful animal puns could soften that painful catharsis, as the show finally trampled its tricky web of abuse through bittersweet means. The series closed out with an especially thoughtful scene, the kind viewers who looked past the wonky pilot years ago were regularly blessed with; to the very end, BoJack, you were a gift, horse.

#2. Better Call Saul (Season 5) - AMC

As good as Bad ever was and better than ever before, the fifth season of AMC’s spin-off completely upended the world of its eponymous lawyer while bringing Vince Gilligan’s universe one step away from full-circle. Saul Goodman found himself in way over his head, and viewers found themselves way on the edge of their seats, as his first foray into “criminal” lawyering swiftly dovetailed with an escalating drug war. Despite the emotional distress of watching fan-favorite character Kim Wexler placed in perilous situations, there are no objections to be had with the drama’s continued masterful storytelling. Ramping up the slow-burn storytelling, season five saw Kim and Saul’s relationship develop in rich and unexpected ways, while still keeping their final fates unresolved. Fans are thus waiting with bated breath for the show’s final call next year. 

#1. The Great (Season 1) - Hulu

Who could be the best but The Great? There was a minor television controversy this year over Netflix marketing The Crown as a historical drama despite its fictional interpretation of events; The Great has no such pretentions. An asterix adorns every title card of the show, letting viewers know that its take on Catherine the Great’s coup against Emperor Peter III of Russia is only “an occasionally true story.” The show indeed is not great for education, but it’s the most entertaining television of the year, locking stars Elle Fanning and Nicholas Hoult in a battle of wits and a fight for the country’s soul under the watch of The Favourite co-writer Tony McNamara. The uproarious comedy slyly collates leadership based in cruelty with leadership based in goodwill in the background of its quite bawdy escapades, a subtle bit of relevant political maneuvering that lets it successfully claim the crown this year.

NEXT UP: THE 2020 AARONS FOR BEST TV EPISODE!

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

12. On Your Side

Decided to publish what I had worked on before my hiatus, mainly for Tina and nem, as a Xmas thing. Ion celebrate that shit, happy holidays or whatever. I was hoping to have completed the story by now, but with my break for mental health, I guess it's either pushed back or gonna be abandoned. Will know in a couple of weeks or so what, if anything I intend to do with it. Its an Apex centered chapter. I'm still on hiatus. You can leave a review if you want to, but don't message me about Simon or this story. Thanks.

*The Grace St. Catherine Playlist, featuring songs used in chapter and songs that inspired the chapter*

“Even through the darkest phase

Be it thick or thin

Always someone marches brave

Here beneath my skin…” Grace let the music play in the background as she tried to do all of the things suggested to her by her “spiritual advisor,” Sunny, whenever she moved into the place. She was doing more drawing - mostly sketches of carnage and rage. She was journaling a lot, mostly in the form of a narrative told by a hypothetical fictional character, because admitting to the things that she was doing on paper was a huge no-no, so she simply projected her life through her journaling character, The Saint, whom would never be referred to by name in any of the entries. In this particular one, The Saint was contemplating calling The Shadow. What would the conversation even be like? He would tell her how bad she was for being mad at him. She would tell him that she only hurt bad people, but he hurt a friend… he hurt her. That was different. So different. But she MISSED him.

She had began to sketch him. She was more of a doodler/drew cartoons and comics on her phone and stuff… but she was shut up in this place for hours at a time and hadn’t really used a pencil and a sketch book seriously in a while. Then, it got away from her. After a few days, she had almost filled up a sketch book with drawings of Simon. She winced when she thought of his name. She had been avoiding speaking it and thinking it. “And constant craving has always been…” She stared at the phone, then changed the track. The last thing she needed was to think about craving, of all things…

Now, that the phone was in her hand, she glanced around, feeling that paranoia that she had since she left home. Nobody was watching her here, but she felt obligated to check, anyway, and upon verifying what she already knew - that nobody was fucking watching her - she went to visit his social media. Private? Since when? She checked another. Same thing. A third, same fucking thing! “UGH!!!” She threw her phone onto the couch and went to go chop wood. She didn’t really like to chop wood, but it did make her feel better to swing a tool and see destruction come out of it.

“Old wounds

Old fights

Another day goes by

I'm not playing by the rules

They can't take me for no fool…” Her phone continued singing as she went outside.

.

Jalicia Barrett was not the same type of watch as Grace was. She obviously wasn’t as upscale as Grace, so she wound up having much to do that was necessary, unlike Grace’s schedule of playing a typical woman. Now, to say that Jalicia was typical would be a stretch of the imagination, as Simon knew that none of Grace’s people were that and she had possibly an unreasonable amount of tiger items, but she was closer to an average person than Grace was.

She went to Seattle University, but hadn't selected a major. She was still doing general studies after taking a few years to get her GED (She began trying at 16 and only successfully received it less than a year ago), so.. a freshman in college, which wasn't bad. She was 19. She worked on campus and seemed to have other odd jobs, like being a delivery driver or personal cab, and stuff at that Infinity Foundation place.

She didn’t have rich parents. From what Simon was able to find, she was never reunited with them, whoever they were. If they had lived in Seattle when she was taken, there was nothing on file to indicate that she was reported missing. Of course… he didn’t know what her real name was. The name Jalicia Barrett only became a name for her in the year after Grace left the mental institution. He knew that was likely connected.

Maybe… she wound up in the system after Grace touched base with them? At any rate… whoever the girl who was brought into trafficking had been, she was now Jalicia Barrett, a girl who began existing when she was 13 or 14 and obviously probably didn’t know her DOB either, as it was on record as the day that her name was given, her documents were created all around the same time, so she had to either have been a baby whenever she was taken, or simply never knew her personal information like birth date and full name.

BUT, she did have prints on file, so she probably had birth records that could be matched to them somewhere. He didn’t know if he wanted to get into that… or if she hadn’t done so herself and simply decided that life was easier being the person that she knew herself to be now. He certainly couldn’t imagine separating from his loved ones and then not finding them for a decade or so and then just… trying to pretend that they were family after all or something. She had the family she wanted… Well… she lost one. He felt bad for her. It wasn’t the same, but whenever he lost Grace, he felt like his world collapsed. To even pretend to understand how this woman must feel losing her life partner after years of being together, he wouldn’t insult her like that. Instead, he looked into the details surrounding that. Whatever happened to that investigation?

He’d provided an alibi for them and the police never spoke with him again. He’d done his best playing ignorant and pretending that everything was casual. Whenever they asked him about Heath, he said that he didn’t know Heath. “I’ve only met him once and he didn’t show up to the gathering… Is he alright?” They didn’t answer, just wished him a good day.

Now, he was looking through their paperwork and he was sure that he might find something interesting, if not useful. Simon had no idea what he was looking for with these other people. Something that led him back to Grace’s trail, and he had to figure out how they worked to even presume that…

Here’s the thing… Simon wasn’t going to write himself off as wrong or going too far. For crying out loud, the things that these people did, and they felt justified in their reasonings, so he wasn’t going to allow himself to feel bad. Grace might need him, and Xander was keeping her away from him. He cursed himself over that gun, though. However, IF she would have just let him explain that he only had it to keep Xander from getting it! He didn’t know what to think when he holstered it, but it wasn’t for her! Why would he hurt her? He scanned through paperwork, trying to take his mind off of Grace’s lack of faith in him and then, he was sure that he found what he needed. If not; he’d found something interesting. “Huh.”

.

Grace called Sunny for more tips. She was doing everything that she told her to, and reading all these books and articles, ordering all sorts of holistic woo woo shit, and trying SO HARD just to not lose it out there… Sunny was always a mood lifter for her though. They would talk for however long, laugh, joke, sometimes get entirely too serious and cry… they hadn’t done this in a long time, but Grace had been calling her more frequently lately and, well… it was necessary for her to be available.

“It’s like… I don’t want to use this word lightly, and I especially can’t tell Xan, but I feel like I’m like… addicted… Does that sound stupid?”

“Xander doesn’t own the word addicted, Grace. He’s struggled with a few drugs over the years, but one of the reasons is because he’s sick. Some people can try things and never really become addicted to them because those things didn’t appeal to them in that way. This dude appealed to you in a way that your body wasn’t used to. He got into your mind, and most likely changed the chemical balance. Affected your hormones and shit, only to find that he wasn’t what you thought and now your chemicals gotta try to balance back out without his influence, so no, it doesn’t sound stupid. Perhaps melodramatic, but I don’t know. You could be addicted to the way that he made you feel. Going through dick withdrawals is a struggle that people don’t give enough credence, too.”

Grace snorted. “I’m… not… going through that. We weren’t like that. I don’t even know if he ever was into me that way? It was like… I don’t know… I never got the feeling that he desired me physically.”

“What feeling did you get?”

“For the most part, that he wanted me around. I don’t know why. He never seemed to be asking anything of me but to let him be near me. He was very good about not entering my personal space, and even when I got comfortable, he still never made any move on me or anything like that. He just seemed to like to be… present.”

“Okay, but what would he be doing when he was present?”

“Sometimes nothing, really. Just looking at me, or listening to me. Sometimes, we were doing our own thing - me reading a book. Him playing video games or writing, or… Idk, working on a cosplay outfit.”

“Girl, on what?”

“He’s a fantasy fanboy before he’s a fantasy writer, so he you know… makes cosplay costumes and stuff for conventions. Whenever he’s not scheduled to be on a panel at one… This is something that I’ve observed, not something that he’s said. He… doesn’t talk about himself a lot. Not at all, come to think about it.”

“Xander makes him out to be a literal serial killer.”

“Xander hates him. What about 808? What does she say? Xan seems to think that he “got to her” or played some kind of mind games or something?”

“Well… she didn’t say anything to me about him, except that he was very talkative and apparently worships you. She was pretty thrown off guard at how comfortable he seemed with being caught and held hostage. She said that he is either the most nonchalant person ever or the craziest fucking person that she’s ever drawn a weapon on, because he acted like they were buddies just chitchatting, and we all know that he knows what we do to people.” Grace didn’t reply. Sunny offered, “Well, whenever I think about the shit that I went through with Xander and how we always seem to find each other in the dark, it's usually in terms of No Angel.”

Grace said, “Beyonce’s No Angel?”

“”Is… Is there another one? Because, if there’s anything AND a Beyonce song, just go ahead and assume that I am only speaking of the Beyonce option.” Grace laughed. Sunny recited, “ I love you even more than who I thought you were before.” Grace held her breath, unsure of what to say to this. Sunny continued, “All I mean to say is that sometimes people aren’t who we initially thought. Sometimes they’re worse. Sometimes they are seriously fucked up. Sometimes, they’re absolute trash… But… you might still love their ass.”

“Damn, Sis… Is this how you feel about Xan? Because those are some hard descriptions.”

“No. Xander is definitely a hot mess, but I was absolutely describing your… thing… over there. Jimony?”

“Simon,” Grace said, trying not to laugh.

“Right. I knew it had “mon” in it.”

.

Jalicia didn’t know what it was about that station that made her put it on all of the time, but her streaming service generally stayed on an old r&b from the 60s and 70s station, and sometimes 80s and 90s, whenever she was at work. She had a journal with a tiger on the front that she was writing down poetry in, but she could never think of titles for any of her work, and she didn’t feel like she was that artistically creative, so she’d title everything, “(Song Title) Plays in the Background,” whether or not the song had any bearing on the poem. Today’s? Let’s Groove Plays in the Background.

Work was a little bit overwhelming, these days, but only because of the things that had nothing to do with it. The fact that she wouldn’t just receive flowers sometimes and have her coworkers wonder why her boyfriend was this thoughtful, but they never saw him. Or the days where she would pout about being broke and having to pack a stupid sandwich and he would insist on having something sent to her at lunchtime, if he didn’t just make her a different, more fulfilling lunch instead. The way that she would get a text whenever he went on his own lunch break, and it would just be some hilarious video or a new thing that they just HAD to buy. Work was overwhelming, because what she had leaned on every shift was the fact that he’d interrupt it with something nice and that she would leave there and get to see him every day.

Now, she was listening to Earth Wind & Fire, in a gray pantsuit and fooling around on her computer while she waited for something to do. She heard the tone of the doorway and she got up to see if somebody needed help. It was a college bookstore and she was often far overdressed, but all she had aside from her typical attire were the pantsuits she wore when she had to do something other than be casual - like functions and interviews or whatever, so that was what she wore to work.

The O. He looked at her like they were friends or something. A polite smile and warmth in his eyes. She stared him down and reached for her phone. “Hi. Can I just have a moment?” He asked. She texted: The O is here and hit “send” to 747. “It won’t take long, I just wanted to give you something.” The O reached into his bag and Jalicia had already identified four common objects in her immediate surroundings that she would definitely use as a weapon against him if he tried something slick. He handed her an envelope, one of the big yellow ones and she frowned.

“I’m not taking whatever that is. For all I know it’s got anthrax in it.”

He laughed and opened it himself, pulled out the paperwork and handed it to her. “I figured out a better method of tracking people down than Heath had the resources for. I know that Xander is trying his hardest, God help him, but he’s not much on a computer and some of these things are hard to find.” She took the pages and glanced through them. Simon helped her find a certain page, “I’ve guessed that you maybe didn’t know much about this part of the situation that you all walked into. The… X, I suppose you’d call him, was very paranoid that he might be on your list and he hired protection.” He pointed out a few key lines that he had highlighted. “Professional protection, and yet when the time came to protect him, Heath wasn’t shot in the arm, or hell, if they didn’t want him to escape, the leg is an option as well.”

“They killed Heath on purpose,” She said, the wind knocked out of her as she did. She tried to take a seat, but just fell back onto a table and leaned against it, knocking down several books.

“They wanted to send a message and since you all slacked up since then, I’m sure that they think that they did.” She started crying angrily and wiped her face. “Flip to the next page.” Her hands were shaking and she wasn’t sure of what she might see, but she flipped to the next page anyway. “That’s your shooter. Since he was on the job, he confessed to being the one who fired and because Heath was breaking an entering and had no family to intercede for an investigation… the cops seem to be fine with what happened to him, despite the fact that our laws state that a person may not use more force than is necessary given the situation.” She shut her eyes and squeezed out tears, her fists tightly holding onto the phot0 of the man. “Next page are his personal details. Do with it whatever you think is best. I just thought that you would want to know.”

She shivered and cried, “This doesn’t mean that I owe you anything. I didn’t ask you for this and I don’t feel indebted to you for it.”

“Jalicia… I’m on your side. Whatever side Grace is on, that’s where I am. I did this because I want to help.”

“Well… This is the most help you’re getting from me - Xander’s on his way.”

“Then, I’ll be on my way.” He had that polite smile again and she was almost terrified how easily it came to him. He left quite a few minutes before Xander arrived.

She instantly fell apart as soon as she saw him, handing him the papers and explaining to him what he was looking at. She left work and was going to call Grace, but Xander snatched her phone while he was driving. “No, what if he. like, cloned your phone or something?”

“What? This ain’t Person of Interest, Boy. What the fuck are you talking about, Bro? He’s rich but it’s not like he’s Lex Luthor.”

“We can’t chance it. He’d do anything to find out where she is.”

“Give me yours, then.”

“Just hold off. I need to check this dude out. For all we know, Simon is just blowing smoke up our asses to get us to lead him to Grace.”

“The fact that you think it’s more likely that he falsified a bunch of police documents than that he simply sneaked them away is making me wonder about you .”

“I let him get too close to her before, and I’m not doing that again.”

Jalicia snatched her phone back from him and they wrestled for it but, he eventually heard Grace on speaker.

“What is happening on that end?” She asked, laughing a little bit nervously.

“We need to talk about Simon,” Jalicia said.

“I disagree with that sentiment!” Xander said in the background.

There was a pause. Grace was panicking a little bit. Did they know that she was trying to check his pages? That she was trying to see if she could make a temporary account just to try to get to them? How would they know that, Girl?

Jalicia added, “It’s about Heath.” Xander turned red in the face and he shook his head and tried to breathe. “Oh, fuck you, Xan. You left him there to die. The least you could do is chill out while I speak to Grace about this.”

“Whoa… That’s not extremely fair. The Apex protocol is that if somebody is hit, we leave and regroup. We go in with the expectation that if we’re hit, we would slow everyone down and jeopardize everything. So, Xander and I both left him,” Grace said the last statement laced with sadness and guilt.

“He pulled you out and sped away,” Jalicia said.

Xander scoffed and then burst into tears, “I’m glad that you’re telling us how you really feel.” His voice was surprisingly calm, but the ladies knew that hurt him more than anything ever had in this world.

“Tell me what you need to say,” Grace said.

“Simon found Heath’s killer.”

“Simon found a person he alleges is Heath’s killer.”

“He had all of the paperwork to corroborate it. More than Heath has ever collected on any X.”

“He had paperwork on a man who works in security who may have shot Heath dead, but as far as we know is not a bad person. He probably was just on a security job. Somebody broke into the house he was guarding and he shot!”

“WHY DID HE SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD???” Jalicia squealed. “I’ve been over this myself, before Simon EVER said anything about it, but WHY didn’t they shoot him to survive and answer questions about what is one of the most infamous string of serial murders to ever hit the city? Why would he risk his job to kill someone that way in security, if there wasn’t a reason that Heath needed to be dead?”

“You… you think that the security dude is old Apex?”

“I think that at best, the security dude wanted to kill a person that he didn’t HAVE to kill and he used Heath as a perfect excuse, making him a shitty person, in my opinion, and at worst, he didn’t want us saying anything to anybody, because he knew why we were there!”

“But, we did release what we had on the X. The information is out there now. Nothing was done about it,” Grace added.

“Precisely! Just as nothing was done about this trigger happy buttfuck, even though our laws state that you’re not supposed to kill motherfuckers if you don’t have to!” Jalicia said. She looked at Xander, poked him in the arm and reminded him, “You were the first one to claim you’ll avenge him”

“And you told me to go fuck myself.”

“Emotions were definitely running high, but if you’re looking for the chance to make good on your word, you’ll have to suck it up and just live with the fact that Simon gave us this, like I have to live with the fact that Heath is never fucking coming home!” She got louder than she intended. Xander wiped his tears with the back of his hand, but more just poured out. He nodded, but he was still extremely upset.

“Send me what Simon sent you. I’ll let you know what I decide from there.”

“Thank you, Grace.”

Grace sighed, paused, then said, “Heath would have wanted us to get out, but even if you had driven away and left us all, we wouldn’t have faulted you… That’s the protocol. Heath knew that…”

“Does that make it easier for you?”

“No. But, we shouldn’t make it harder on each other, either…” Jalicia sighed, rolled her eyes and let more tears fall. “I’m sorry, Jalicia. Heath was the first person in the warehouse that I ever cared about. I would trade myself for him, if I could.”

“He’d never let you,” she hung up and reached out for Xander. He accepted her hand. “I was mean to you…”

“You were honest. It just fucking hurts. Heath was the backbone of this family, and everyday he isn’t here, I lose more and more respect and control. He kept me grounded.”

“Doesn’t Sunny do that too?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Maybe you don’t let it be. Maybe the reason Heath was your rock was because you thought that you only needed one. That’s what I did, too. I didn’t even realize how much of my life revolved around him until I was just spinning in space, with nothing to pull me back. Why do you think I moved in with your ass?”

“To split rent.”

She gave a resigned shrug, but shook her head, “I thought that it would make things better, if even just to put me in a spot where I could just not think about it and not be alone. I figured I wouldn’t get over it, but that at least I would logically be able to grant myself some peace because you’re there too, and that there would be some type of comfort. Not emotionally. That’s gonna take more time than I even believe that I have left in this world. But… at least I wanted that solid ground to stand on, to be able to say, Heath would want his two favorite people to lean on each other and find some strength in his absence.” Xander sniffled. She finished, “But it didn’t matter, and I don’t even know what to do, because I thought that being around you would guarantee some balance, even if it didn’t truly help… I still have all of my grief, and I’m..” she whimpered, “So tired. And empty. And distant. My closest living friend is sitting right next to me, and I have been so alone…”

Xander pulled the van over, unlatched his seatbelt and hugged her. She wasn’t done. She was so focused on her train of thought that she hadn’t even actually noticed that Xander was hugging her. “Heath was always in my life. Before any other human that I can remember. Like, logically, I know that Grace took care of Todd and Heath took care of me… but… I don’t even remember anybody else until maybe I was 5 or 6. I know he wasn’t the only person around, but in my mind, he was. I have NO frame of reference that doesn’t involve him. He was…” She finally realized both that Xander was already holding her and that she was crying again.

She remembered something. She was 4 or 5, her brain was never good at that part. She wasn’t in school or anything. All of her special days were simply moments and occurrences. This particular occurrence. A boy with light hair, getting hurt really bad by the stewards. Heath covered her eyes and started talking about flowers. He found a new book about them. He’d help her try to read later. The noise of the boy being beaten up was in the background, but at the time, she was too young to pay any attention to it and listen to Heath. So, she listened to Heath and the beating was background noise filtered out. Afterwards, he took her to the side of the building and let her pick flowers for their new friend. The new boy was mean. He was mean to Heath and Grace had to help Heath. Then, he was nice. She looked at Xander’s face and saw that same boy, just as hurt and just as angry as the first day she recalled a memory of him.

“He wasn’t always in mine… but he was the first person who was ever just nice to me for no reason other than to be nice,” Xander said. “There’s nothing that I want more than to punish a person who would take him away from us, but to have Simon, SIMON, give us that…” He was red in the face and shaking his head. “He’s using it to get to Grace, and I just didn’t want to give him that kind of power.”

“Then why didn’t you just say, ‘Hey, lets not tell her where we got the information?’ If you had just sent it to her with X confirmed, instead of fighting me in traffic…”

“You didn’t give me a chance!”

“I just… This ONE thing, then maybe I can move on.” He nodded and buckled back in. “I’ll get to work on the logistics. In case Grace gives us the go ahead, I want to be ready to move as soon as possible.”

.

Simon pulled his hair up into a high ponytail. He was going to try to get it into a bun, but it had been getting longer and thicker, and while he’d normally just pull the top part into a pony and let the rest hang, but it was windy and he was going to be pretty active, so high ponytail, it was. He had been checking out the X that he gave Jalicia, to see if they were going to make a move on him. He wasn’t positive of the typical turnaround time on an X, so he simply went to watch every night. He wasn’t going to do the car. Dude was in security. He’d probably make him.

Instead, he parked around the block and went to a big tree across the street from the X’s home to post up. He had binoculars and an awkwardly applied hunting tree seat. It wasn’t made for him to be up this high, but he situated it only to have a seat that wasn’t tree bark. He spent the time that he wasn’t watching the house on social media, checking out Sunetra’s pages… which… apparently she went by “Sunny…” which… Simon noted to himself that he had seen a little sun tattoo on Xander, and whenever he came across Sunny’s very tasteful artistic nudes, he saw that she had a little tattoo, as well, on her chest, of an “X.”

Her photos were really nice and she seemed to… possibly be a stripper? He checked a few of her posts and captions. She hashtagged #burlesque in some of them, so maybe not a stripper, but something risque. She was in the fine arts program in college, for dance and had many posts from the Infinity Foundation of her doing dance workshops, yoga, and stuff. She had a lot of witchy posts, too. Simon rolled his eyes, but kept scrolling. Several of her posts were really funny. He noticed a yoga and meditation program that she would be doing at a community center and saved the post.

He watched the X for about a week and a half when he saw the van pull up. In the dark, he couldn’t tell who people were, but two had gotten out and through the binoculars, he could tell that Xander was one and the other was Jalicia. He checked the van. That was an unfamiliar one behind the wheel, but he presumed that it was Sunny or 808, and that he simply couldn’t see them... There was a loud noise and screaming in the house. He turned to see that Jalicia had a knife to a woman’s throat while Xander was escorting the X out, with his hands up. He got him to the van, injected something into his neck and tossed him in. Jalicia unhanded the woman, but appeared to take a bag along with her and the woman ran next door.

Jalicia had taken all the phones with her. The woman had to run next door to call the police. Simon realized that she was probably doing that, and he got out of the tree to get back to his car. If he hurried, he might be able to catch the van!

He went the direction that they had, and when he came to what he thought might be them, he put on a mask of his own, but it was a medical mask, just because that was… possibly not as weird as if he wore like a clown mask or something. They had NOT handled that in the way that he expected. Something told him that they either were rushing or desperate. He wondered why.

But, whenever they pulled the van into an old train station, he parked behind the building and got out of his car. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up.  

He could hear their voices, and he followed the sound of them, but didn’t come from the shadows of the building. They were dragging the bag into a field that Simon knew that he had passed several times in his life, but never paid much attention to. Nobody really did. Was this where they buried them? He wondered. He only saw Jalicia and Xander, pulling the body bag with one hand and carrying shovels in their free hands. Where was the driver? He went around the other side of the building and the van was pulling off. Where were THEY going? He couldn’t start his car. Jalicia and Xander weren’t far enough away to not hear him. He groaned and went to look back towards the field. He couldn’t see anything beyond the tall grass, but he used his phone to try to record where they were… maybe he could find it in the daytime. Besides, they were now far enough away that he could start his car without alerting him. He felt like he had enough.

Simon drove home, wary of a van behind him for a portion of the way. He took some loops and turnarounds that he wouldn’t usually take before he was comfortable that they weren’t following him and it wasn’t the van… but after he got home, he noticed at the bottom of the hill a van, and it looked like the van that they used. It looked like the van that he was nervous might be following him. But. There was no way that the van had found him after those turns. Was it one of them, just letting him know that they knew he had followed them?

He rushed inside and looked out of the curtains. They were there for a moment. They turned the van off and he took a deep gulp and reached for one of his guns. They got out of the van and stood, staring up at the house. DEFINITELY APEX. This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.

They stared, wearing a gold mask, a tam hat, and the all black outfit that he had gotten used to, but then not seen for a while. “Grace!” He said. He put his gun down and rushed out of his door. “Grace?” He called, but she rushed back into the van, tossed something out, and peeled off. “Grace…” He ran down the hill and out to the road. She was gone… He looked down to see what she had thrown down on her way off. It was a Stop sign with a red squiggly line underneath the word “Stop.” He picked it up, roared and began to smash it against the pavement, before flinging it into the middle of the road and going back into his house. He called Jalicia and she looked at her phone, not recognizing the number, so she answered it. “Hello?”

“Was that Grace?” a voice asked.

“What?”

“The person who just followed me home and told me to stop. Was that Grace?”

“No,” was all that she said. He hung up. She put her phone away.

“Who’s that?” Xander wondered.

“Non issue,” she said. It wasn’t a complete lie, and there was no way that she was about to ruin their night with… whatever that had been about. She and Xander were still digging when their third came walking up, her gold mask on her face and a shovel in hand. “Girl, where did you rush off to?”

“I knew he was gonna still be alive,” she said and pulled up the mask onto her head. Sunny. “Had to make a stop,” she said with a shrug. She and Jalicia stared at each other a moment, and Xander kept digging, oblivious to the exchange of them questioning each other with their eyes. It was short lived, because Grace was connecting for the video call. “Hey, Girl, Hey!” Sunny cheered.

“Bitch, I’m so mad that I’m not there right now.”

“Be mad at Jimona,” Sunny said.

“Simon!” Grace said, laughing. Then, more solemnly, said, “Draw a squiggle right across his face, for me.”

“Sure will,” Sunny said, pulling her knife out. “What are you listening to, Woman?”

Grace checked the info on her streaming, “Hurts by Emeli Sande.”

“That’s dope. Send me the link to that.”

.

Simon was at the apartment now, crying and sitting in front of the cameras. He wondered if she would return with them, but looking at the feeds he had placed to check the outside of their homes, he noted that the three entered Xander and Jalicia’s home at 3:47 am… and that… wasn’t Grace. It was the woman that he had initially identified as, “One who looks like Grace.” It was Sunny… He flared his nostrils and set an alert to remind him about the yoga and meditation at the community center.

His phone began to ring while it was in his hands. It was a private number. For a moment, he let his heart accelerate. “Hello?” He answered.

Silence. He sighed and almost hung up, but… he felt something. His tears stopped, he sat up erect and waited. She was silent, still. He was afraid to break it, but more afraid of her losing whatever nerve she had at the moment and hanging up. So, he dared to speak. He kept his voice soft and low. Gentle, like he knew she would remember him being. “Hey…” He said. He heard her sniffle and it tore at his heart. “Hey,” he managed to say even softer. “Are you okay?” She sniffled again. “Tell me what I can do to make you okay?”

“Why did you do that, Simon? Why did you?”

“I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to know you. I wanted you… I didn’t know what to do. I was desperate. I am desperate. Please, tell me where you are…”

“You let Xander catch you.” There was the longest pause since the conversation started. Eventually, she spoke again. “I feel like the kids walked in on me doing something dirty…”

“I feel like it’s none of ‘the kids’ damn business what we do.”

“They can’t see stuff like that. They can’t see me being followed and watched, obsessively. They can’t just move on from that. You have no idea the kind of people who… Why did you have a gun?”

“Because, I had just been attacked by somebody that I know is a murderer and I was on edge…” They were quiet again. “I can keep them out of sight from now on. I can keep them away from you, at all times…”

“If I come back into town, my crew is gonna get… difficult. It won’t be safe for you.”

“I can’t prove myself to them? To you? Did you see what I found for them? For Heath? For Jalicia?... For you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Jalicia told me right away…”

“You sound like you’re smiling,” he observed, daring to smile, himself.

“I can’t help it… but… we can’t… do this, Simon.”

“Don’t…”

“We’re both in really weird places and us coming together isn’t good… for either of us, I think…”

“Please…”

“We shouldn’t be together, see each other, anything. You should… get on with your life.”

“No!”

“Bye, Simon.”

“NO!!” She hung up. He bit into his lip so hard that he drew blood, trying to keep his composure. He couldn’t even go to the gun range right now! But.. He could… go back to that field. He knew where it was. He knew where the bodies were now… he… was running out of patience, but he reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. The longer they kept her away from him, the more confused she would be. She just needed to understand that he was on her side. If she couldn’t… she would have to learn that there were consequences for going against him.

13. A Shot in the Dark Pt 1

[avengerscompound]

Those Little Words - Two

Those Little Word:  A Iron Man Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a coffee with Ko-fi Word Count: 3482

Pairing:  Tony Stark x F!Reader

Warnings:  Age difference (not used as a kink), Dirty talk, Smut (M|F, oral sex, vaginal sex, public sex), unsupportive parents.

Synopsis:  Everyone knows that Tony Stark is the textbook definition of a narcissist. So what happens when he meets someone just like him.

Part Two

Tony Stark is the textbook definition of a narcissist.  Everyone knows that.  He even knows that.  He prides himself on it.

Only now you’ve gotten to know him better you’re not so sure.  He certainly does think very highly of himself.  But to be fair he’s very, very smart.   You’re very, very smart too.  Did it make you a narcissist too because you weren’t willing to hide it either?

What you had noticed about him was he may think highly of himself but he also cared about other people too.  He just seemed maladapted at showing it.  When he tried and they misinterpreted what was happening, he’d actually get quite sulky.

The other thing you noticed was that for someone who allegedly loved themselves that much, he didn’t take very good care of himself.  He often stayed in the lab quite late into the night. You know that because it was a habit you had picked up too.  He also skipped meals regularly.  Choosing instead to just snack on dried fruits and nuts.

The three out of the five days you worked in the tower Bruce would always go grab lunch with you at the cafe downstairs.  Each day you’d walk out and you’d see Tony working in his lab.  When you’d get back he’d still be there and it wouldn’t look like he’d even moved.

One day on the way out you tap on the glass and he looks up at you puzzled.  You poke your head in the door.  “Have you eaten?”

“Who has time for that?”  He asks, going back to whatever it is he’s working on.

“Come on, old man.  It’s my shout.”  You say, going in and dragging him to his feet.

“No one’s ever offered to buy me lunch before.”  He replies, dragging his feet after you.

“I wouldn’t fight her, Tony.  She always gets her way.”  Bruce says, from the doorway.

Tony continues to resist you pulling him.  “But I always get my way.”  He complains.  You keep pulling and all of a sudden he stops resisting and starts walking along with you.  You almost fall on your ass.  “Right.  Food.  Three meals a day.  Of course.  Good idea.   I’ll take you both out for lunch.”

The next thing you know you’re sitting in the back of a stretch limo looking at least half as lost as Bruce.

“Where are we going?”  You ask.

“The Polo Bar,”  Tony says, simply.

“How did you get a table last minute?”  You press.

Tony smiles at you.  “I’m Tony Stark.”

You sigh and run your hands down your face.  “You know I’m rescinding my offer to shout you, right?”

Tony smirks like he just won some kind of competition between the two of you.  “Naturally.”

From then on that was your routine.  Go to have lunch with Bruce.  Tap on the glass wall of Tony’s lab.  Ask him if he’d eaten.  The three of you would go to lunch.  You started finding him sitting up expectantly waiting for the two of you.  He even stopped trying to one-up you and would just join you at a food cart for hot dogs, or some shitty hole in the wall fast food place for Shawarma.

You started worrying about him when you weren’t there though.  On those two days a week where you had to be at Columbia teaching you couldn’t help but picture him hunched over the workbench pushing through until the afternoon where he had meetings or press conferences or therapy.

You started texting him.

He did have the annoying habit of walking in on you when you were in the lab alone, earbuds in.  That would be fine except that often meant you danced while you worked.

You were completely engrossed in your work, swaying your hips.  “Now the time is here, For iron man to spread fear, Vengeance from the grave, Kills the people he once saved.”  You sing as you put vials of blood back in the refrigerated storage.

You turn around to see Tony standing in the doorway grinning at you and eating dried blueberries.

“Holy shit.  You scared me.”  You say, pulling your earbuds out.  You don’t think you’re blushing, but being caught singing Iron Man by Iron Man might have been the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you.

“Nice song choice.”  He says, raising his eyebrows at you.  “I like Black Sabbath too.  You’re a bit young for them aren’t you?”

“Music has an age restriction?  I had no idea.”  You snark.

He strolls over to you looking really pleased with himself.  “You sound a little defensive.  Did the song remind you of me?”

“Because you’re a villain waiting to happen?  You got me there, old man.”  You reply.

He laughs and takes your phone out of your pocket, you try to snatch it out of his hand and he holds it away from you as he looks through your playlist.  “AC/DC, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden.  You’ve got good taste, new meat.”

You leave him with your phone and go back to your computer.  “That’s why I listen to it.   To impress geriatrics.”

He laughs and strolls over to you throwing some more blueberries into his mouth and sitting on the stool next to you. He puts your phone back in your pocket and looks over your shoulder.

“Check this out.”   You say, expanding the field on your screen.  “So you know in everyone’s DNA there’s basically the code to be just about anything?  We can grow a human ear on a mouse by just shifting some of the code.”

Tony gives you a 'move along' gesture with his hand.  “You’re talking to a genius remember.  Move faster.”

“You flick some files up with long strings of codes on it.  So this is Steve, Bucky, Bruce, Wanda and a woman known as Jessica who is also enhanced.”  You say, indicating some of the files.  “And here is you, me and just a few other random non enhanced people who gave blood.  Do you see?”

His eyes scan over the files and they suddenly go wide.  He zooms in on each of the files for the enhanced people and looks over them one at a time.  “You found it.”

You nod.  “Yep.  Every one of them.  It’s like the trauma or treatment or whatever it was that they had done to them flicked that gene over to active.  It’s not quite that simple obviously.  They all have different genes also turned on and others turned off that don’t all match, but that one… that one seems to be the key.  I would say; I can’t believe nobody has seen it before, but it’s not like anyone had the blood work to look.”  You bring up another couple of files.  “The gene is damaged but not unfixable.”

Tony looks at the new file and pulls his glasses off rubbing the bridge of his nose.  When he finishes he looks back at you.  It looks like he’s lit up from the inside.  “We could fix Bruce?

You rub your arm.  “I mean… it’s going to take a lot more research.  We have no way of testing it out.  It’s not like these enhancements are showing up in lab rats and all the other people who have them want to keep them.  If we tried it, it would be straight onto Bruce and I get the feeling the other guy might fight back.  His cells multiply so fast when he transforms.  I have no idea what kind of treatment we could make that would keep up with that.”  You explain.  “But hypothetically, yes.  We could fix Bruce.”

He looks at the computer and then closes it all down.  “We’re having drinks. Upstairs.  FRIDAY, tell the others.”

“Right away, Mr. Stark.”  The voice of the buildings AI replies, filling the room.

“No, Tony.  I don’t even know those guys.”  You say, panicking a little.

He takes you by the elbow.  “Little miss snark’s actually scared of a few superheroes?  I never thought I’d see the day.  This is happening.”

He leads you to the elevator and you take it to the top floor.  You’re the first people there and he goes to the bar and pours you a Scotch without even checking if that’s what you want.

You take it and down it in one go.  He laughs and pours you another.  “That’s a sipping Scotch, dear.  Take it easy.”

“Yes, Dad.”  You retort.  You do take his advice though because that first glass had felt like it had burned your esophagus right out.

The doors open and Steve Rogers comes in followed by Bucky Barnes.  You take another drink so you don’t just stare at them open-mouthed.

“Evening, Tony.  What’s the special occasion?”  Steve asks.

Tony pours both men a drink.  You wonder given their metabolism if drinking will have any effect on them.  Regardless, they both take the glass and take a sip.  “I thought it was time everyone met the new meat.  She’s been here four months now after all.”

You introduce yourself to both of them.  Shaking their hands firmly.

“We’ve heard all about you from Bruce.  He speaks really highly of you.”  Steve says, warmly.

“He does?”  You look at Tony like he might confirm it.  He drops you a wink and you turn back to Steve.

“All the time.  So does Tony.”  Steve assures you.  “I don’t pretend to know what they’re talking about, but whatever it is, you’ve impressed them.”

“Oh it’s simple really, we’re just looking at…”  You begin, but the doors open again and James Rhodes enters.

“War Machine is in the house!”  He announces loudly.

After Rhodey there is a steady stream of people who come through the door.  You’re introduced to all of them in turn.  It’s not long until you relax amongst this group of people who you really feel you have no place among.  You tend to drift between Bruce and Tony a lot.  You do know them best after all.   The others however all take the time to get to know you.  Even if they do have no idea what you’re talking about some of the time.

You don’t get too drunk.  Others do though. You play a game of pool against Clint Barton and find out pretty quickly why that was a stupid idea.  Slowly, just as they arrived they drift off again.  It’s a work night and no one is really willing to stay up too late.  By eleven it’s just you and Tony eating cold pizza on the couch and looking out over the twinkling lights of the city.

“See.  That wasn’t so bad was it?”  Tony says, taking a bite of the crust of his pizza.

“Did you just start eating that slice crust first?”  You ask, horrified.

“The crust is the best bit.”  He says, defensively.

You shove him.  “You maniac.  Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to eat properly?”

He grabs your wrist and twists your arm behind your back and once again you’re suddenly hyper-aware of how close your bodies both are.  “Maybe you haven’t heard my motto. It’s ‘I do what I want’.”  He takes another bite from the crust of his pizza.  You gasp and bat the slice out of his hand.  It goes sailing over the back of the couch and both of you watch as it arcs through the air and lands cheese side down onto the carpet.

You both look from it to each other and back again before breaking down into laughter.  “What is wrong with you?”  Tony asks, pulling you a little closer.

“What’s wrong with you?  Crust first.”  You scoff, climbing into his lap.

His hands go into your hair and he pulls you into a kiss.  His lips are salty and slightly greasy from the pizza and you can still taste Scotch on him.  You wrap your arms around his neck and roll your hips against him.  You start feeling the press of his cock as it stiffens against you.

You break the kiss and look down at him.  “I thought we were never happening again?”

He starts kissing your neck and unbuttons your shirt.  “I thought I was outside the acceptable dating age range.”

“We haven’t been on a date.”  You reply.

He makes his way to the last button and pushes your shirt down your shoulders.  His vision just fixed on your breasts.  “Maybe we should.”

You tilt his chin up to you.  “What?”

“Maybe we should.   Go on a date.  Or more than one.  We should date.  Could be fun.”  He says, looking you in the eye.

You take his glasses off and put them on the couch beside you before running your fingers down his jaw.  “Do I get to take you home to meet my father?”

He flinches a little and nods his head.  “We’ll talk about the good old days.  When music was better and the youth had more respect.”

“You actually want to do this?  Like actually date and not just randomly hook up?  Because I can do the second one just fine.”  You say.

He scratches his head and looks like he is in physical pain.  “Yep.  Can’t have your honor being tarnished by the likes of me.  We’ll date.”

You shake your head in disbelief and look down at him.  “Well okay then, but this first right?”

“Oh most definitely.”  He pulls you back into a kiss.  It’s wet and hungry.  You bite at each other's lips. He cups your breast and squeezes it making you moan.  He pulls back and looks up at you.  “Bedroom?”

You nod and get to your feet pulling him after you.  He takes you to the elevator and once the doors close he’s on you again.  Pushing you against a wall and kissing you hard.  You drag your fingers down his back and bunch his shirt up in your fists.

The elevator ride is short though, and you barely have a moment to even consider how hot it would be to fuck him in there when the doors slide open.

The elevator opens right into Tony’s apartment’s living room.  He must have the whole floor.  You step into the room.  It is large and houses an eclectic mix of sleek furniture, distressed timber, and pieces that look like they were picked out by a five-year-old.

There is a sleek black couch and a baby grand piano.  A hardwood bar and a state of the art sound system.  Abstract paintings that you’re sure must have cost him millions hang next to posters of Iron Man that you’re sure you can buy from Walmart for three dollars.

He spins you to face him and starts walking you back towards the wall.  You drop your shirt to the floor and pull his up over his head.  For someone pushing fifty, he’s still in remarkably good shape.  Honestly, he’s still in good shape compared to a lot of men your age.  His chest hair is salt and pepper and he has significant scarring on his sternum where his chest once housed the mini arc reactor.

He unfastens your jeans and when you bump into the wall you kick your shoes off and drop them, shaking them awkwardly off your ankles.  His eyes glide up and down your body and he bites his bottom lip.  “You’re stunning, you know?”

“Privilege that comes with youth.”  You say, running your fingers up his torso.  “You’re holding yourself together pretty well though.”

He lifts you from the ground and pushes you against the wall.  “I work out a lot.”

He starts kissing your neck and you tilt back your head to give him better access.  “I can see that.”  You half moan, wrapping your arms and legs around him.

You start to kiss again.  Frantically.  All teeth and tongues.  You kiss like it’s a competitive sport and one of you will be declared the winner at the end.  Your hands go to his hair and tug on it.  He growls and moves off the wall, carrying you to the bedroom.

You drop to the mattress and unhook your bra sliding it off while he rids himself of his shoes and jeans.  Not once do you break the kiss.  You move back onto the mattress and drag him down with you.

He lays down, leaning over you to continue kissing you.  His hand goes into your panties and he starts stroking his fingers up and down your folds.  You spread your legs more and he starts circling over your clit.

You hum into his lips and run your palms down his back to his ass.  You squeeze and his hips jerk against you.  He counters by thrusting two of his fingers inside of you and dragging them over your internal walls.  You gasp and grab hold of his cock.

He rolls so he’s completely above you and yanks your panties down.  A moment later his fingers are back inside you, curled and stroking over your g-spot.  You push him and roll on top, straddling his hips.  He laughs and shakes his head.

“Protection?”  You ask.

He points to the bedside table.  You reach over and dig around until you find a condom.  Tony continues working his fingers in your pussy, sending little tendrils of pleasure out through you. You hold the packet in your teeth and settle back against his hips.  You grind against him.

“You’re kind of pushy aren’t you?”  He smirks up at you.

You tear the condom packet open and start rolling the condom over his cock. “I could say the same for you.”

He takes his hand away and you guide his cock into you letting your head fall back and sighing as he stretches and fills you.  He raises his hand to your mouth and traces his fingers over your lips.  “Have you ever tasted yourself?”  He asks.

You part your lips and your tongue darts out grazing over his fingertips, just getting the very hint of your musk on him.  You slowly rock your hips in a slow figure of eight.  “Mm-hmm…” You hum.  “I particularly like tasting myself on someone else’s skin.”  You take his fingers in your mouth and slowly suck your fluids from them.  The salty sweet of your arousal filling your senses.

Tony watches on, his pupils blown out with lust.  “That is the best way to do it.”

You put your hands on his abdominals and slide them up to his chest.  “What about you, old man?  You ever taste yourself?”

He smirks at you and raises an eyebrow.

“Why Tony Stark, you dirty boy.”  You say, bringing your lips down to hover over his.  “I am impressed.”

“You said it yourself; I’ve lived a lot of years.  I’ve had a lot of sex.”  He says and pulls you down into a hard kiss.

He rolls you both over again and starts thrusting hard into you.  You clutch at his back, your nails raking down his skin.

He kisses your throat and you kiss his until you’re both sporting matching hickeys just under the left corners of your jaw.

Positions change again.  You ride him hard.  Your hands resting on his chest while you stare down into his eyes.  His thumb rolls over your clit and as you feel your orgasm peak he sits up and holds you in his lap, thrusting up into you.

You come, and bite down into his shoulder.  He has to hold you in place as your legs tremble and you whimper through it.  He rolls you on your back once more and grips the sheets by your head thrusting hard into you.  You feel his cock start to throb and you push him off you and scramble down his body.  You unroll the condom and toss it in the waste bin before plunging his cock deep into the back of your throat.

“Holy shit!”  He gasps.  His hands grip at the sheets and his hips buck up against you.  You suck up his length and run your hands down between his legs.  His hips jerk up again pushing him back down your throat and he releases.  Hot ribbons of come coat your tongue and you swallow it down.

You slowly crawl back up his body and collapse half lying on him.  He wraps his arms around you and you both just lie there panting.

You pat his chest and sit up.  “Okay… that was good.  I’m out.”  You joke.

He laughs and grabs you pulling you back down.  “Don’t leave too soon.  We have several more rounds to go.”

You laugh and flop back down on him.  “I wouldn’t get too eager there, old man.  You’re gonna get sick of me way before I get sick of you.”

Tony laughs. “See that just sounds like a challenge.”

// NEXT

[lord-lunatic]

Ren 2.0

 After a midnight bath wit Rens playlist I went back to my old theories (back from December?!) and quickly came to the conclusion that these need some updating.

Here’s your update @vagueenthusiast @d20error

1. Alcatraz:

“Prison is home”

I still think this is about Rens house. We knew it was like a prison for him back then, now we know it was a straight up horror house.

Masses of animals, beasts, celestials, fiends, goblins,... all to break them and to change them. 

Ren was a part of a family and he also wasn’t. It takes a while for a child to understand that things like torture are not normal. It takes a while to figure out what your mom is doing behind those closed doors. Ren did not always fight his family and sometimes he couldn’t fight them.

“Bulletproof vest my only clothing”

It seems that Ren at least tries to not let anything too close to him. Within his family taking things even harder than they already were probably would have killed him. His family seems to have been pretty cold hearted and I feel like Ren has some of that coldness well.

Rens family liked dominance over other creatures and breaking them over and over again. Somehow I feel like they broke their children as well. Just a feeling.

2. Between the bars

I feel like Ren spent part of his time in his home in the cages that they normally kept the beasts in. As a punishment or lesson or both I don’t know. But I can imagine Ren talking to the animals and beasts and other beings he sees. Whispering between the bars. Promising himself to one day be free and free everyone and everything from the cages he hated so much.

Drink up with me now and forget all about The pressure of days, do what I say And I'll make you okay and drive them away The images stuck in your head

Drink up, baby, look at the stars I'll kiss you again, between the bars

Honestly I don’t know if I was just completely oblivious the first time I listened to the playlist but I’ve only recently began thinking about D20error’s characters and love. And keeping possible romance in the back of my head while listening to the playlist definitely opened some more doors.

I feel like Ren definitely had some kind of romantic relationship during his time that he still lived in Higash, possibly someone within the cages. We know that his family took in humanoids as well as beasts.

Ren tried to help the hurt humanoids more than anything else, he tried to bring them food and water. But he wasn’t allowed to be caught doing it.

So having a relationship with someone within the cages is probably another thing best to be kept secret.

Honestly I feel like saying anything else than yes and amen probably resulted in some kind of punishment for him.

When the gang went to see the divination lady Ren wanted to know if a specific person, Ember, was still alive/ what they were doing tonight. I can only imagine this being the person Ren loved. Although upon hearing that they in fact were still alive Ren said nothing more than “Oh”

Does that mean Ren thought they were dead, were they in the house when it burned, did he believe them dead even before that.

The one question that always came with Ren for me was why he stayed so lnog with that family that he hated so much and that obviously didn’t have a lot of love for him. I feel like this might be another answer. 

There weren’t a lot of people who knew about what was going on in the house of Anga’elin and leaving meant leaving everyone and everything down there to their fate. 

3. Dancing in the moonlight

The moon seems to be a reoccurring motive in Ren’s story.

Disobeyed another warning I should have been home by ten I won't get out until Sunday I'll have to say I stayed with friends But it's a habit worth forming If the means justify the ends

Apart from that I can only imagine this song also partly being about the relationship he possibly had. 

4. Smother

I want him but we're not right

For my bones have found a place To lie down and sleep Where all my layers can become reeds All my limbs can become trees All my children can become me

Yeah no I must have been completely oblivious.

Another theory of mine actually is that Ren’s family did find out about about his relationship or at least did know about a special connection between him and one of the prisoners (for a lack of a better term I’m gonna use prisoner). They knew he was helping others (Ren said he was being punished if he was caught helping). And Rens s/o disappeared from view and Ren believed them to be dead. I find it hard to believe that Ren would have just left them behind when the house finally burned down.

Also just to say it again Rens family reaaally sucks.

It must be a weird position, being part of that family and being a prisoner part of the time as well. Trying to help while having to fight not be pushed to bring those same wounds and scars to yet another creature.

I love this song a lot. 

5. The chain

Still not too sure what to make of this song. 

I can still see the chain being the bond between him and his family, the reason he never really could leave. 

Lyrics like “damn your love, damn your lies” lead me to believe that it is about them rather than about a possible s/o. 

Then again to speak of “love” in any way when talking about Ren’s family seems a bit off.

But I could imagine it being about Ren’s s/o in another way:

(Hang on to your seats this is gonna be a very hypothetical theory)

What if Ren and his s/o knew that they would have to part ways at some point. What if they knew about the fire or at least that the end of the Anga’elin’s was kinda close, maybe even were somehow involved in the planning of that (Ren has Arsonists lullaby in his playlist and I said it before that I think he has something to do with it). What if Ren planned on going down in flames with his family.

The chain being the bond between them that they wouldn’t break no matter what happened and if they ever saw each other again.

Then again I can also see Ren believing his s/o already dead when the fire came. 

I’m really unsure about these two theories but yeah, just to have put those thoughts in here.

6. The war

The fire.

Rather than what I said before (it being a song either before or immediately after the fire)  I think it’s about the moments when the house burned.

Ren is conflicted. Scared, relieved, confused,...

Here stands a man at the bottom of a hole he's made still sweating from the rush his body tense his hands, they shake oh this, this is a mad boy

I still think he had something to do with the fire so guilt probably mixes in with the rest.

Don't you ever leave me alone my war is over be my shelter from the storm my war is over

Ren has been fighting his family for a loooooong time and suddenly they’re gone and his “war is over” in a way.

Now all he’ll ever do is run.

The last time I said these lines could be about Nora. I still think it’s possible, but at the moment of the fire she was just that librarian girl that happened to save him from a fire (that he possibly didn’t necessarily even want to be saved from). So it still seems a bit off.

Again they could be about the s/o though this seems even more unlikely because Nora saved Ren specifically in the library, meaning he probably was alone in that moment. I don’t think they saw each other again after the fire. So there’s no shelter to be had.

7. Arsonists lullaby

When I was a child, I heard voices Some would sing and some would scream

I mean... his family broke creatures. Ren probably heard A LOT of voices in those rooms.

When I was a child, I'd sit for hours Staring into open flame Something in it had a power Could barely tear my eyes away

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever tame your demons But always keep 'em on a leash

I feel like Ren wanted to see his family gone for a long time. 

But it took some time for it to become true.

When I was a man I thought it ended When I knew love's perfect ache But my peace has always depended On all the ashes in my wake

If Ren found some kind peace in being with his s/o maybe that would have been reason enough to stay with his family for longer than he wanted to. (I imagine he’d probably hang on to that one positive thing he has, running away never really seemed like an option I think knowing that his family had a whole network of people working with them, so he probably would have been found rather quickly). But if that person was gone for whatever reason...

I said it before but I’ll say it again: He wanted his “family” dead and gone in some way.

8. Run

No change of theories here. I know why it’s in here.

9. Leaves, trees, forest

And my heart is a ghost And he drinks and he smokes And he keeps me awake All through the night my heart shakes

But he’s not okay. After being freed from his cage he now is caught in this constant state of running.

Worrying. 

Is s/o still alive? Will he ever see them again? 

What will happen to him? Are he and Nora gonna survive the next day?

I know there is hope but I can't look for it

Their situation seems hopeless. They can’t run forever, yet they can’t stop running.

Oh out in the woods Out in the field, it's a hard rains fall Rust on the wheels of my ten speed And I ride in the lane And the lane is a wind and it keeps me sane

But as long as they are moving, somethings happening. They escape whoever might be following but also lose their thoughts for a while. 

There are leaves in the trees, there are trees in the forest

And that’s about the only thing that stays the same.

I feel like this song could be about something more specific that we don’t know about yet. So I’m just gonna stay tuned.

10. Leaving on a jet plane

I'm standin' here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin' It's early morn

There's so many times I've let you down So many times I've played around I tell you now, they don't mean a thing

I’m not really changing my theories for this one. I still think it’s about the moment Ren left Nora with nothing but a note to say goodbye.

So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go

Again it could be about a possible s/o but it feels like it’s a weird place in the order of the playlist to have it that far in the end. 

But maybe something happened with them later on and we just don’t know about that yet. 

11. In dreams

Always a riddle in the world she says Always a riddle inside my head Always a thing to wonder the way we come to be Oh it's a big old place for me, yeah it's a big old world indeed Everyone is killing me and everything conspires

Everything that happened when Ren was unconscious while being sick was a whisper so I’m not gonna say much. But I think it’s about those dreams and visions.

Oh in dreams I have watched it spin Seen a violent crack of atoms were all that comes in Oh in dreams I saw Aesop's kin Just a carcass of a man, I belong inside his skin

His family.

I live alone, I live a lonely life without you

His s/o?

And I may be troubled but I'm gracious in defeat

12. Meet me in the woods

Another song about the visions?

I took a little journey to the unknown And I come back changed, I can feel it in my bones 

I fucked with the forces that our eyes can't see Now the darkness got a hold on me

I mean he literally changed his goals after he saw that lady with the white hair, he wants to go where she told him and I think he listens to her.

I have seen what the darkness does (Say goodbye to who I was) I ain't never been away so long (Don't look back, them days are gone) Follow me into the endless night (I can bring your fears to life) Show me yours and I'll show you mine (Meet me in the woods tonight)

Yeah, the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams

I think he’s also a bit confused, because he doesn’t really know who she is. But she seems to guide him towards something good.

Holy darkness got a hold on me

I just feel like it fits.

13. I’ll be good

I never meant to start a fire I never meant to make you bleed

If he knew about the fire, he’s also in a way responsible for Nora losing her home and probably everything she loved. He never meant to hurt her. He didn’t even know about her at that point. I just don’t think that he ever even thought about anyone actually liking this house that meant pure hell for him.

Grace is just weakness Or so I've been told I've been cold, I've been merciless But the blood on my hands scares me to death Maybe I'm waking up today

As much as Ren tried to fight his family he was a part of them in a way and as I said before I don’t think he was always able to fight them. He caused pain and saw people suffer. A lot.

For all of the light that I shut out For all of the innocent things that I doubt For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears For all of the things that I've done all these years And all Yeah, for all of the sparks that I stomped out For all of the perfect things that I doubt

I'll be good, I'll be good

But he’s trying to be better now. 

Trying to learn how to people.

Again Ren’s “He’s a dick but he’s trying” anthem

14. With a little help from my friends

Oh, i get by with a little help from my friends mm, i get high with a little help from my friends mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

He is part of a group now and slowly learning how that works. 

And I think that he’s slowly beginning to actually like these people. Though of course he will not admit that.

They’re all helping each other to get through this mess. At least they didn’t die yet.

15. The woods

We're all falling and We need a place to hide A safe place somewhere in the woods We can start the fire

They all have their stories, their secrets but they are writing their own stories now.

And we leave it all behind Can't you see we need some time? And we all sit around the fire We feel a little warmer now

It’s all new and weird but at least they’re not alone anymore.

I still think it’s about TAVRN what can I say.

--------

There are probably some typos in there and parts of this were written at 4 am so excuse my grammar as well.

This was meant to be a small update but somehow ended i me rewatching all the important Ren scenes and crying a little. I love this angsty elf boy.

Can’t wait to find out more about him.

[bi-bi-richie]

Riptide by vance joy stanlonbrough and friends to lovers?

Here it is!! Finally!! I’m so sorry it took so long but I really loved this prompt and I’m so glad you gave it to me! 

Also I’m not gonna add the link to the prompt list because I’m not going to take them anymore. I don’t have enough time so we’re just gonna finish what we have here and if I change my mind later I’ll reopen it!

Word count: 5,048 

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16339352

Derry is a small town, everyone who lives there knows it. News travels fast, everyone knows everyone’s business and there’s nothing anyone can do to avoid it. Mike assumes that’s why everyone knows who he is, where he lives, and his lack of common education that every other boy gets. Everyone knows who he is. It’s scary.

What’s scarier than everyone knowing everything is their complete ignorance towards it all. Mike watches missing signs get replaced by another missing sign every week. Kids being snatched up without a trace only to be forgotten when the next one is gone. He particularly remembers a boy named Georgie, Georgie Denbrough. He was one of the first missing, he had the most people looking for him because of it.

Though, that’s not why Georgie sticks in his mind, well, it’s not the only reason. Months after Georgie was forgotten and replaced by a new kid, Mike saw his brother. His brother, Bill Denbrough, was holding an old missing poster with his brother’s face on it. He had been giving them out when the news was still fresh and terrifying, but now he holds it in his hands and stares at it longingly as he walks. Behind him are three other boys. One of them has neat brown hair and a fanny pack, he’s bickering with a taller boy who has wild black curls and huge glasses. The other boy is staring down at a book in his hands, he kind of looks like a combination of the two boys, he has wild blonde curls but a clean look to him, ironed clothes and a belt to hold his khaki shorts up.

They don’t stay in Mike’s line of sight for long, but he does think the blonde haired one spared a glance in his direction.

Mike lays in bed thinking about Bill and the blonde boy. His light is on and brightening up the whole room, it’s midnight. He’s scared of the dark now, with another kid missing he doesn’t think he can turn the light off even if he tried. While he’s laying there, he thinks about how he wanted to actually talk to those boys. Considering they’re running around with their friend who still thinks his long-lost brother is still alive, they probably wouldn’t judge him. They didn’t seem like the rest of the town, Bill doesn’t let things go easily, and the blonde boy didn’t seem bothered by that fact. He considers talking to them the next time he sees them, but he knows he’s too scared to start conversations.

He drops the thought and goes to sleep.

…

Mike stares at his wall recalling that night. It’s been five years since then, Georgie was found but he still thinks about Bill Denbrough and the blonde boy. Except, the blonde boy isn’t the blonde boy now, he’s Stan Uris and he has Mike’s heart even if he doesn’t know it. A shudder runs through Mike’s body, Stan isn’t the only boy either. Bill had Mike wrapped around his finger, he doesn’t know because he doesn’t abuse that privilege.

A lot had happened in those five years, The losers had changed a lot. Bev moved away, and gradually Bill stopped feeling anything for her. Mike had started attending a regular high school with the rest of the losers, his grandpa sent him to do so because he couldn’t continue to teach him on his own. Eddie had come out as gay to the losers and a few weeks later he started dating Richie.

Currently, Mike has come to the conclusion that he’s fallen in love with two boys. That conclusion has brought him to tears on occasion. He doesn’t usually sleep with his light on anymore, but when he loses himself in his thoughts about the two boys, he finds that the darkness is all too frightening.

How could he be in love with two boys? He couldn’t even imagine the hell he’d go through if anyone out of the losers club found out. For all he knows, they’d have him killed in the middle of town. How could he do this to himself? In such a racist, homophobic town like Derry.

But it’s not the thoughts of what the town would say that keeps his light on through the night, it’s the fact that he doesn’t understand his feelings. How can he be in love with two people? How does that work? He’s never even heard of that before, can you love two people at once? Hypothetically, what if he did start dating one of the boys? The other would still be in the back of his mind, he’d still think of the other and how he wants to be with them too. But that’s unheard of in Derry, it’s a boy and a girl or nothing. Not a boy, a boy, and a boy.

He sleeps with his light on.

…

“Mikey?” Stan whispers. He had his eyes focused on a blue jay that seemed to have been staring back at him. His gaze never leaves that bird, they’ve been maintaining eye contact for four and a half minutes. Mike feels weird knowing the exact time, but he’s been staring at Stan the whole time. Mike almost doesn’t respond because he’s staring.

“Yeah, Stanley?” Mike’s voice comes out smooth, it always does. Even when he’s nervous, his voice doesn’t stutter. He doesn’t stutter like Bill, and his voice isn’t timid like Stan’s will tend to be. He’s not like the two of them, and yet, he wants both of them.

As Stan waits to find the right words to say, Mike takes all of Stan in. Stan has quite the exterior to him. He’s beautiful, neat, all in all, a well-oiled machine when you think about it. But any of his five closest friends can tell you that there’s more to such a prim and proper looking boy. He makes jokes to himself on the side that no one understands, he’s in third place for biggest trash mouth behind Eddie, and Richie. He’s a big bird nerd, loves them so much. Just as he has fun hidden qualities, he has some that haunt him every day. One of them being that he has trust issues. He doesn’t like to share secrets all that much, he keeps them to himself. It’s actually impressing Mike that he’s willing to choke out these words right now.

“I… I don’t like girls…” Stan tears his gaze away from the blue jay to look into Mike’s eyes, the blue jay flies away. The tension was thick around them, anticipation hung in the unshed tears that danced at the rim of Stan’s eyes. It smacks Mike in the face when he realizes that Stan is scared. Stan is so scared, so vulnerable, he’s been taken to the dark side. The dark side, as in actually believing what the homophobic people in Derry say about them. Stan looks lost, stuck. It crushes Mike.

“You mean you’re gay?” Mike asks for clarification. He doesn’t wanna get this wrong, he needs it to be right, for Stan.

Stan nods.

Mike smiles warmly, something that would brighten the whole field if it wasn’t already lit by the sun. He reaches over and grasps Stan’s shaking left hand.

“I am too.” Then Stan is crying. He chokes out a loud, ugly, relieved sob that breaks Mike’s heart. He wraps both his arms around the smaller boy and pulls him into a tender hug, there Stan cries out of what Mike hopes is happiness, and Mike thinks about how he wishes he could tell Stan that he’s gay for him too.

…

That day in the field is never brought up again, Mike is half convinced it was all his imagination. He tries not to think about it, but he can’t help dreaming about it. He’s spent countless nights dreaming about that exact moment. They all start the same, Stan tells Mike that he doesn’t like girls, and from there Mike will either recreate what happened or do something different. Most of the time he holds Stan’s face in his hands and kisses him. But after every dream, he wakes up to his illuminated room and sighs, wishing he really did kiss him.

He goes back to sleep and leaves the light on.

…

Mike has to admit, he’s kind of obsessed with watching Bill paint. When Bill paints, he listens to music. He has a playlist that Mike has grown familiar with over the years, it hasn’t changed since a few months ago when Bill added a new song.

Today, Mike is watching Bill paint a glass of water, and this glass of water has the water shining on it just right to make a rainbow reflect from it. Mike thinks a piece of it is poetic, in a painting sort of way.

Bill’s humming along to the song that’s playing, it’s funny how his voice is all stutters when he’s talking, but it’s graceful and smooth when he’s singing. Mike thinks Bill has a nice voice, it’s not the best out of all the losers, but it’s up there. Bill gets some words mixed up sometimes, but Mike doesn’t mind. In fact, he thinks it’s cute. He’d never tell Bill that he sang the words wrong, he’d keep that to himself.

“Mike… You ever liked someone before?” Bill asks slowly, his eyes never leaving the painting.

Mike feels his face heat up, spreading across his face like wildfire. He hates thinking about liking people, especially when one of the guys he likes is right in front of him.

“I… I suppose I have, maybe once. Why’re you asking me? Didn’t you kinda, sorta date Bev?” Mike asks as he fidgets with a paintbrush Bill had tossed to the side. Bill’s concentrated expression visibly falters for only a second, but it’s long enough for Mike to immediately wish he didn’t say anything about Bev.

“I’m just asking, Mikey. I wanna ask someone out and… I’m nervous to do that. I just want some advice.” Bill ends his sentence with a light shrug.

Mike only stares at him, he’s not exactly sure what to say now. How can he give advice on that? He doesn’t know anything about it, hell, he can’t even accept his feelings for one person.

“Well, who is she?”

Bill’s breath noticeably hitches and his hand twitches just enough to drop his brush to the ground. Suddenly Mike understands it all at once.

“It’s a boy, isn’t it?” Mike asks carefully, knowing that this must be hard for Bill to comprehend.

Bill still doesn’t say anything, he just hesitantly nods his head. Mike leans in slowly to Bill, close enough to see into his eyes, and feels his heartbreak. His eyes are filled with tears that are threatening to spill, and the sorrow behind them makes Mike wanna cry. Slowly, he places his hands on Bill’s cheeks.

“Just… ask them to the quarry. If they say no, or call you disgusting or something terrible, we’ll protect you. Losers stick together, Bill.”

Bill snaps his head to look at Mike, he blinks his tears away and the sorrow that had been in his eyes was gone. Now there was hope.“Y-you d-don’t think I’m d-disgusting?” He asks with a slight quiver in his voice. Mike chuckles a bit, closes his eyes and smiles.

“That’s awfully hypocritical, isn’t it?”

Bill looks confused, but then he laughs, then Mike laughs. They dissolve into a content laugher, and for a minute, Mike thinks he’d like to be the guy Bill is talking about.

…

“Did you hear about Staniel and Billiam?” Richie asks as he pops a piece of gum in his mouth. He and Eddie are helping Mike deliver fresh meat around town today, all the losers do it at least once a week, the only people who haven’t yet that week are Stan and Bill.

“What about them?” Mike asks, tilting his head to the side. Come to think of it, Mike hasn’t really spoken to either of them in quite a while. He’s seen plenty of the other losers, he always does, but not them. Specifically them.

“Bill told little ol’ Eds here that he tapped Stan’s ass,” Richie said with a classic smirk.

“Beep Beep stupid! That’s not what I said!” Eddie cried out.

“Whatever, he’s gonna tap that ass now that they’re together.”

“God, you’re such an asshole!”

“You love me.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you’re an asshole-”

Mike didn’t bother to pay attention to the rest. His mind was focused on Bill and Stan.

…

Mike goes home immediately after finishing his deliveries with Richie and Eddie. The sun is going down anyway but there was supposed to be a movie night at Bill’s. He was looking forward to it but now he’s lying in bed, staring at the wall, confused. Usually, when your crush dates someone you get jealous, what do you do when both the people you like start dating? He lets out a huff of air from his nose, what do you do when you like two people?

How can he not be jealous? Both of them have the two things he wants the most, and yet, it doesn’t bother him. What bothers him is that he can’t be a part of it, and that’s a thought he’s buried deep inside of himself. How could you wanna be apart of two people’s relationship? Do other people feel like that? He assumes not considering the only relationships he ever sees are between two people. A girl and a boy and yet here he is, pining after two boys and wants to be in a relationship with them.

This is his luck obviously. Nobody in Derry even liked him before the losers, they’re not gods who can ward off all bad luck. He hates to think about it, but he does think he’s cursed to like or be the things that Derry discriminates against. First the racism, soon the homophobia. Life is a real battle for Mike Hanlon.

He sleeps with his light on.

…

Mike has never been one to avoid tough situations. He usually faced them head on because he didn’t see the point in putting it off. This time was so different than any other time though, the situation is just designed to be stressful, he’s overwhelmed.

It’s been three weeks since he got the news about Stan and Bill, it’s also been three weeks since he’s talked to either of them. Anytime they showed up he was making a lazy excuse to go back to his farm. Whenever someone said they’d be hanging out with them, Mike would suddenly be busy that day and go home. Whenever it was Stan or Bill’s turn to help deliver meat from the farm he’d ask Ben or Eddie to tell them that he wasn’t doing it that day, and then he’d sneak his way around town to do his deliveries.

He tells himself that this is good, and this is how it should be every time he ditches them. Every time he rests his head against his pillow, when he knows the other losers are meeting up, he tells himself he’s okay with it.

When salty tears leak from his tightly shut eyes, he tells himself he’s okay. When his body shudders with quiet cries, he tells himself he’s okay. Even when he holds a framed picture of Bill and Stan on their bikes close to his heart, he tells himself he’s okay. Even as he’s swept to the dark side, Mike Hanlon says he’s okay.

He sleeps with his light on.

…

It’s been four weeks. Four weeks of being okay.

At this point, Mike prefers to just stay home and avoid the losers altogether. He’s only been doing it for three days so he doubts anyone has really noticed yet and it leaves him wondering if they ever will.

“Michael.” A stern voice commands. Mike turns his head to look at his grandpa who has a large bag on one side of him and a couple ropes in his hand. Mike knows what he’s gonna say but he knows he’ll get the reminder anyway.

“Don’t mess with anything while I’m gone, nobody should be here while I’m gone so if you see anybody outside, don’t be afraid to grab the shotgun.” Mike can rehearse this in his head over and over again if he had to. His grandpa had been planning to make a trip a few states over to get a new horse so he can start breeding them with the other horse they have. He’s been trying to find someone who manages to raise a healthy horse and has low prices. It all comes down to Mike having the house to himself for three days for the first time in six years.

“Yes, sir.” He mutters politely. He knows nobody will actually show up in that field, only one or two people drive down the street in a week. Nobody is very interested in seeing what some farmers do anyway.

It was only a few minutes more of talking before Mike was left alone to stare down into his bowl of cereal alone in his house.

…

It’s the second night of being alone and it’s just as lonely as Mike had predicted. He thought about inviting his friends over to fill the empty silence but he knows that he’d have to see Stan and Bill if he did that. He spent the first day watching tv and reading books.

…

There’s a loud knock on Mike’s door on his third night alone, Mike jumps out of his skin and almost drops his book in shock. He whips his head to look at the door to see who freaked him out so hard. There’s only a silhouette of a curly haired boy and for a moment he thinks it might be Richie. When he flicks the switch to the porch light he sees that it’s not Richie at all. It’s Stan.

Stan has tears trickling down his cheeks and dripping off his chin. Mike feels his heart crush the moment he sees how broken Stan looks. The edges of his eyes are tinted red and the bags under his eyes are darker than normal and Mike knows he’s been crying for a while.

There’s a moment when they only stare at each other, but it’s over when lightning strikes the land behind Stan and thunder shakes the house seconds later.

Mike jumps to get at the door and quickly pulls it open, almost immediately he’s being pulled into a hug. Stan lets out a loud sob when Mike returns the hug, it’s such a powerful sob it even shakes Mike to tears.

“Stan? Stan, what’s wrong?” Mike asks frantically, fear bubbles up in his stomach making him feel sick instantly.

“Everything Mikey!” Stan cried out, tightening his grip on Mike’s torso. “Everything is so wrong and I don’t know what to do anymore!”

Mike shushes him gently, he presses a kiss to the curls on top of Stan’s head, making him stutter in his cries. Mike guides both of them to the couch while holding his arm around Stan’s shoulders. Stan curls up onto Mike’s lap and keeps crying, Mike wonders if he can feel the rapid increase of his heartbeat.  

“Stanley, I need you to calm down okay? You’re okay.” He coos as he rubs Stan’s back. But Stan doesn’t seem to be listening, he only shakes his head and cries harder.

“I’m not okay.” He whispers. He pulls his body off Mike and looks dead into his eyes.

“I’m not okay Mike! I finally go out with Bill, things are amazing until I realize you’re avoiding us? You don’t come around Mike! You cancel plans with us and only hang out with Richie and Eddie or Bev and Ben! Never me, Mike!” Stan is moving so frantically, yanking his head from side to side and throwing his hands in the air. It’s so much movement but Mike can see how hurt Stan is. How much Mike hurts him.

“You really threw me for a loop, Mike. You don’t even get it, you don’t get how scared I was about dating Bill because I’ve been in love with you for years Mike. What’s worse? I love Bill too. I’m so in love with both of you, it hurt to choose who to be with, and I didn’t! I went out with Bill because he asked me! I would’ve done the same if you did too!” Stan pauses to take a breath. Mike takes a breath too, that was a lot of information at once and he’s barely keeping up with it.

“But if I went out with you, I’d still have this empty void in my heart. I’d want Bill too, a-and if I had none of you…” His voice is cracking and tears are running down his cheeks again. A few tears slip from Mike’s eyes as well, quite frankly, he can’t figure out why.

“I love you too, Stan,” Mike whispers. Stan whips his head to look at Mike, his eyes are wide like two moons, his crying stopped too. Stopped dead in its tracks.

“I… I was too scared to tell anyone, Stan. I wanted to, I promise I did, but I love Bill too.” Mike takes in a shuddery deep breath, “we’re in the same boat, Stanny.”

Stan doesn’t dare say a word. He just watches Mike, conflicted, probably scared too. There’s so much to unpack in those few words, it’s amazing how Stan’s face can stay so still. Mike thinks he’s watching his face to search for any sign that he’s lying. Mike knows Stan trusts him, probably trusts him the most out of all the losers, but Mike isn’t one to forget his trust issues.

“Mike… What do we do?” He sobs out, then he collapses on top of Mike. Mike is quick to pull him into a comforting hold, even if he thinks he might need the same amount of comforting. Eventually, Stan’s cries reduce to whimpers and then to quiet breathing. It even relaxes Mike to know that Stan has stopped crying.

“Let’s go to bed,” Mike whispers into Stan’s ear. Stan slowly nods his head, Mike gives him a little smile then hoists himself up along with Stan. Carefully he pulls Stan into a bridal style hold and starts carrying him to his bedroom.

When he reaches his bed, he’s quick but gentle to put Stan down and tuck him in. He presses a single kiss to Stan’s forehead then goes to start making a bed for himself on the couch. But he doesn’t even get two steps away because a smaller hand is reaching out and grabbing at his bicep.

“Don’t go, Mikey. Please don’t go.” Stan’s eyes are still closed, Mike kinda wonders how he knew he was walking away in the first place. He stands and considers it, could he do that? Sure they loved each other, but Stan had a boyfriend, right? But they loved the same guy…

“I won’t go, Stan.”

They sleep with the light on.

…

Mike woke up that morning only feeling pieces of content. He had one of the most beautiful boys in his arms, snuggled up to him with his full lips parted ever so slightly. Mike wanted nothing more than to lean down and kiss them, but Stan wasn’t his. God, he wanted Stan to be his, but he didn’t want just Stan. He wonders if he should consider himself lucky that Stan wants him too, him and Bill.

Carefully, he pulls himself up, trying not to wake Stan up. He’s too big to not wake him up though, in a minute Stan is blinking and yawning himself awake. Mike’s heart melts a little, he’s never seen anything look so precious before. Stan then looks up at Mike, his eyes are tired, but now the whites of his eyes have no hint of redness anymore, even his eye bags have lightened up.

“Mikey?” Stan whispers quietly. His voice is so tired too, a little raspy but Mike would consider himself lucky to wake up to it every day.

“Stan?” Mike responds just as quietly.

“I really love you… I’m sorry it took all this for me to tell you.”

“H-hey Stan… a-and Mike!” Bill greets, his voice gets a bit higher as he realizes Mike is behind Stan. Mike feels his face heat up when he realizes that Bill was excited to see him. The moment is short lived though, Bill doesn’t miss the anxious look on his boyfriend’s face.

“Hey, w-what’s wrong?” He asks with confusion in his voice. Mike feels his nerves rise up in his throat when he sees the way Stan flinches at his concern.

“Bill… We need to talk.” Stan whispers, not meeting his gaze. Bill tears his gaze from Stan and looks over at Mike for answers, but Mike only nods.

Slowly, Bill takes a step back to allow Mike and Stan to walk into his house. Stan goes first, he shuffles in as quick as he can with his eyes looking towards the ground and his head hung low. Mike goes next but he watches Bill the whole time, watching for his emotions. Bill goes in last and closes the door behind them.

“My family isn’t home right now, so we can… talk.” Bill informs the two with a hesitant tone.

Stan takes a seat on a big white armchair in the Denbrough living room. By the look of it, he’s trying to sink directly into the couch. Bill is quick to get to him, he kneels at his side and places a hand on Stan’s knee.

“A-are you okay?” He whispers with a sliver of hope in his voice, but Stan shakes his head.

And then, he speaks.

“Bill, I love you okay? Don’t get me wrong I really really love you, but I can’t lie to you. I love Mike too. I’m so fucking in love with both of you it drives me insane, I don’t know what to do because I love you Bill, and I wanna be with you. But fuck, I wanna be with Mike.”

Mike is almost afraid to see Bill’s reaction. Bill wears his heart on his sleeve most of the time so both Mike and Stan know that if he’s not happy, they’ll know immediately. When Mike does look up, he’s shocked. Bill is looking right at him, not with anger or betrayal, but… longing?

“Stan… W-why didn’t you t-tell me?” Bill whispers, his voice sounds confused, but not hurt. Mike looks over at Stan, who also looks very, very confused.

“I didn’t know how to tell you, Billy… Last night I- I went over to Mike’s and told him everything. I wouldn’t have even considered this if he didn’t tell me that he loved you too and-”

“Wait, M-Mike?” Mike looks back over to Bill, and he doesn’t need a mirror to know that his own eyes are filled with fear. In the corner of his eye, he sees Stan look at Mike in horror like he made a mistake.

“That’s- No wait Bill I-”

“Yes,” Mike says, there’s false confidence in his voice and his facial expressions betray him, but he says it. Bill stares a Mike for what feels like forever, then he looks back at Stan, then back to Mike.

Slowly, Bill walks over to Mike without saying a word. He’s watching Mike though, his eyes are softer than before. Despite his slightly off-putting walk towards him, Mike’s never felt so intrigued before. When Bill is at Mike’s feet, he kneels down to eye level and rests his hand on Mike’s cheek.

“Can I k-kiss you?” He whispers, and Mike feels his heart leap into his throat. He lets out a little gasp, then looks over at Stan for permission, as if at this point he needs it. Stan smiles and nods his head. That’s all Mike needs before he’s leaning in and pressing his lips to Bill’s.

Mike is sure he’ll never feel anything as amazing as that moment ever again. The pent-up feelings and frustration finally flooding out of Mike like a river. The feeling of his warm lips slotted against Mike’s just felt so right, it made Mike melt. He wraps his arms around Bill’s neck and pulls him as close as he can. It’s funny, Mike thinks, how someone so chaotic could have such soft lips. But he doesn’t dwell on that, he focuses on how good it feels to kiss the boy he loves. Oh, how Mike loves him.

When they pull apart for air, Mike looks over at Stan. He extends his arm to Stan, beckoning him closer. When Stan is finally in arm’s length, Mike grabs at Stan’s hip and pulls him closer, making Stan trip a little bit right at Mike’s lips. He presses his lips to Stan’s and kisses him too. The kiss is almost the same, but less like fireworks and more like a comforting, loving feeling. Stan laughs into the kiss, just a giggle but enough to make Mike’s heart flutter. When they break away, all three boys shift their gazes to one another. There’s dead silence before Bill breaks out into a full blown laugh, then Stan laughs again, and then Mike.

“I love you guys,” Mike whispers.

…

Mike lays between Bill and Stan that night. They have their arms around his chest and they connect their fingers. Their heads are rested on Mike’s shoulders and they’re dead asleep.

A single tear escapes Mike’s eye. The feeling in Mike’s heart, the blossoming, loving feeling is all he’s ever wanted. He lets out a huff of a laugh and smiles, he’s got everything he’s ever wanted. Sure, he’ll probably get in trouble the next morning when his family comes home and finds him gone, but at that moment he can’t care. He only cares about his two boyfriends who rest on his chest. His two boyfriends, the two he loves, and the two who love him back.

That night he sleeps with the light off.

[whflibrary]

playlist + downers and wastrels!!

     this playlist is a 15-song compilation of music that reminded me of the downers/wastrels of we happy few, and are organized below the read-more by relevant lyrics and character types they pertain to!!

OVERDOSE / GRANDSON (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ i’ve been way too numb now, i’m living on the run now. oh, i gotta get out of this town somehow. ❞ + ❝ ‘cause the bad’s been slowly getting worse, and this fast lane - living, it’s a curse. better tell me - what’s your life worth? i think it’s time for a change. ❞ + ❝ ‘cause the drugs don’t work anymore. all fun and games until i hit the floor - overdose. ❞ + ❝ i couldn’t find the thrill again, i couldn’t seem to kill the pain. i was living in the moment, searching for a little serotonin, but this shit ain’t fun now. ❞

MEDS / PLACEBO (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ i was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget what happened to us - what happened to me - what happened as i let it slip. i was confused by the powers that be, forgetting names and faces. passersby were looking at me, as if they could erase it. ❞ + ❝ baby, did you forget to take your meds? ❞ + ❝ i was alone, staring over the ledge, trying my best not to forget all manner of joy, all manner of glee, and our one heroic pledge. how it mattered to us, how it mattered to me, and the consequences. i was confused by the birds and the bees, forgetting if i meant it. ❞

MY RADIO / STARS (WASTRELS + DOWNERS + UNCLE JACK). ❝ it’s hard to remember days, mornings lost in a chronic haze. breath is fast and the trains are slow, i barely feel it though. all day long, i fantasize in the dark behind peoples’ eyes. and then they disappear, words get lost in the atmosphere. ❞ + ❝ the truth i’ll tell, i’ll tell the truth. you ask for facts, well, i’ll give you proof. ❞ + ❝ all i want is my radio, all i want is my radio. he speaks in a voice i know, sounds like sand when the tide is low. ❞ + ❝ all i want is a room somewhere, far away from all the chemo air. and when i go, my radio will play a song that lingers. ❞

CRY FORUM / MOTHER MOTHER (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ i stare at the populous in prayer - i look at them, talking to the air. i sing for them, they don’t seem to hear. i cry for them. ❞ + ❝ are they in outer space, on a populous parade? are they in some kind of race that i do not have the legs for? i’m not one to kill joy, but i’m just digging pro-choice. ❞ + ❝ are they all out of touch? are they touching it too much? are they on some kind of drug that i haven’t done enough of? ❞ + ❝ are they all out of turn? are they ever gonna learn? about the fires that might burn, about the feelings that might hurt me? ❞

ALONE / EYESHINE (WASTRELS + THE GARDEN DISTRICT). ❝ tonight looks like a cold one, if the moon decides to show and dance along the ocean. but none of us will know. none of us will know. ❞ + ❝ so, this is the end of it. it’s time for us to go back to where we started, back to what we know. do you know what it feels like to be alone? well, i do. ❞ + ❝ tomorrow’s never promised to you, this road we all share. ❞

EVERYBODY KNOWS / SIGRID (DOWNERS + ESCAPING WELLINGTON WELLS). ❝ everybody knows that the dice are loaded, everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. everybody knows that the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost. everybody knows the fight is fixed, the poor stay poor, the rich get rich. that’s how it goes - everybody knows. ❞ + ❝ everybody knows the boat is leaking, everybody knows the captain lied. everybody’s talking to their pockets, everybody wants a box of chocolates and a long-stem rose. everybody knows. ❞ + ❝ everybody knows that the plague is coming, everybody knows that it’s moving fast. everybody knows that the naked man and woman are just a shining artifact of the past. ❞ + ❝ everybody knows it’s coming apart. take one last look at this sacred heart before it blows. everybody knows. ❞

PARIS IS BURNING / ST. VINCENT (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ i write to give word that the war is over, send my cinders home to mother.they gave me a medal for my valor, leaden trumpets spit the soot of power. ❞ + ❝ they say “i’m on your side when nobody is, ‘cause nobody is. come sit right here and sleep, while i slip poison in your ear”. ❞ + ❝ we are waiting on a telegram to bring us news of the fall. i am sorry to report, dear paris is burning after all. we have taken to the streets in open rejoice, revolting. we are dancing a black waltz - fair paris is burning after all. ❞ + ❝ enclosed in this letter, there’s a picture - black and white for your refrigerator. sticks and stones have made me smarter, it’s words that cut me under my armour. ❞

CROSSFIRE / STEPHEN (WASTRELS + THE GARDEN DISTRICT). ❝ he keeps waking up, but it’s not to the sound of birds. the tyranny, the violent streets, deprived of all that we’re blessed with. and we can’t get enough. ❞ + ❝ heaven, if you could send us down so we could build a playground for the sinners to play as saints, you’d be so proud of what we’ve made. ❞ + ❝ i hope you’ve got some beds around, ‘cause you’re the only refuge now for every mother, every child, every brother, that’s caught in the crossfire. ❞

CLINT EASTWOOD / GORILLAZ (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ i ain’t happy, i’m feeling glad. i’ve got sunshine in a bag. i’m useless, but not for long - my future is coming on. ❞ + ❝ intangible - bet you didn’t think, so i command you to. ❞ + ❝ you see with your eyes, i see destruction and demise. corruption in disguise from this fuckin’ enterprise, now i’m sucked into your lies. ❞ + ❝ i brought all this so you can survive when law is lawless. feelings, sensations that you thought were dead - no squealing, remember that it’s all in your head. ❞

THE STUPID, THE PROUD / IAMX (WASTRELS + THE GARDEN DISTRICT). ❝ god is dead - we get to sleep tonight. walk with me into the truth, out of your lies. ❞ + ❝ the armies of faithful, the killers of reason, the grief of the crown. the stupid, the proud - they blow our houses down. ❞ + ❝ exalt yourself, do it to stay alive. you must demand, they must abide. queer is the universe - habit the liberty, destructive in time. hunt down your future. and everything you know is not enough to survive. ❞

BLOOD // WATER / GRANDSON (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ we’ll never get free, lamb to the slaughter. what you gonna do when there’s blood in the water? the price of your greed is your son and your daughter. ❞ + ❝ look me in my eyes, tell me everything’s not fine. oh, the people ain’t happy, and the river has run dry. you thought you could go free, but the system is done for. ❞

OLD YELLOW BRICKS / ARCTIC MONKEYS (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ quite the little escapologist - you looked so miffed when you wished for a thousand places better than this. you are the fugitive, but you don’t know what you’re running from. ❞ + ❝ who wants to sleep in the city that never wakes up, blinded by nostalgia? ❞ + ❝ she was enraged by the way that the emperor put traps in the cage, and the days she seemed dull led to nights reading beer bottles. ❞ + ❝ she said “i want to sleep in the city that never wakes up, and revel in nostalgia”. ❞

KINGDOM OF ZOD / BILLY TALENT (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ we’ll never drink your medicine, and we’ll never think your way. masters of broken promises are born to manipulate. your mind is a vault of prejudice, but we see through the door - your dirty little secrets aren’t so secret anymore. ❞ + ❝ no room for your daft intolerance left in this day and age - we’re not gonna go down quietly, we’re not gonna be afraid. ‘cause under the cloak of sanities are madmen in disguise - are we blind? ❞ + ❝ i believe it, but i don’t understand. i feel it coming at the back of the head. if you think, you’ll be the one in command. it’ll tear us apart in the end. we’re gonna make it like a thief in the night. we’ll uncover up the evidence of their crimes. ❞

RACE TO THE BOTTOM / DAN MANGAN (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ and so the artist screams into an empty cup - he says that you’re a soulless bunch, but you could still wake up. ❞ + ❝ here’s what we know: we don’t know what we’ve got, or if we’ve got it. and what we had, we already forgot it. the race is evidently to the bottom - we don’t know what to say. ❞ + ❝ don’t know what it was, but we want it back, like every generation will repeat the last. put a halo on a figurehead or photograph - resist a little bit and you become “the man”. dreaming of a simpler time, it occurs to me that the past is hypothetical fantasy, and nostalgia just ain’t what it used to be. ❞

PLANET HEALTH / CHAIRLIFT (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ when i arrived on planet health, in the state of being well, i altered my self-conscious messes and body images. ❞ + ❝ i am feeling great tonight - we are feeling great tonight. ❞ + ❝ then i found out where you’re sent when you’re sick and sad and old - they kick you off of planet health, into a universe of cold. ❞

LIES / BILLY TALENT (DOWNERS + THE VILLAGE). ❝ forced conversation, hidden agenda - you think we’re stupid, how dare you? the rug has not been pulled over our eyes, you fool - we can see right through. ❞ + ❝ tiptoeing villains, eyes in the ceiling - your false intentions have worn thin. but we’ve been in your room and in your closet too, we’ve got one on you. ❞ + ❝ lies make it better, lies are forever. lies to go home to, lies to wake up to. lies from the altar, lies make you falter. lies keep your mouth fed, lies ‘til your deathbed. ❞ + ❝ inside an office, a fallen angel - a smiling buddha with snake eyes creates the latest trends. and i just can’t pretend - don’t call me your friend. ❞

[superparadise-ghost]

The Ghosts Can Sing, and They Ache to be Heard

hi!

this is available on ao3 if you’d like to read it there, I’d probably recommend that. you can bookmark it there!

this might be for you if you: like Drew Tanaka, wish Drew Tanaka got a redemption arc, like Halloween stories, like a hypothetical friendship between Drew Tanaka and Will Solace, uhhh like Drew Tanaka

this is probably not for you if: you do not like Drew Tanaka, in which case I respect your decision but also why

Description: "Ghosts can't sing."

But Drew is beginning to doubt that sentence. And she's beginning to doubt her memories of Silena Beauregard.

Or, Drew Tanaka keeps coming back to the same Halloween costume, despite how much she thinks she hates it, and she keeps hearing somebody sing Silena's old, favourite song, without anybody actually being there to sing such a melody...

Chapter: 1/6

Ghosts Can’t Sing

“Ghosts can’t sing. They don’t have any breath left, so they don’t have a voice.”

Drew doesn’t look up from her laptop at Lacy Liou’s argument. She’s too busy browsing mindlessly through Halloween costumes. She isn’t going to be buying one (she stitches fabric by hand every October), but she’s searching for inspiration.

One image shows a bad replica of Veronica Sawyer. Drew frowns thoughtfully, and jots Veronica, or Heather D? on her notepad. It sits beneath black swan.

“It’s a story, Lacy.” Piper Mclean’s voice sounds exasperated, tired. The distinct sound of a coin hitting wood rings in Drew’s ears. Piper curses. “Fuck. Now I can’t find it! That was a whole two dollars!”

“Maybe next time, don’t launch it at the ceiling,” Mitchell Plums suggests.

Drew’s cursor hovers over a picture of a doll costume. She purses her lips. She went as a doll two years ago, but… maybe she can pull it off again?

She scribbles the idea down.

“Anyway, Lacy, it’s a made-up story. Leo told me it. Haven’t you ever heard of ghost stories?” Drew finally looks up, feeling her neck creak with pain, to see Piper crawling around the floor, hands running over the wooden panels to feel for a coin.

“It’s a dumb story,” Lacy mumbles. She’s sitting on her bunk, legs dangling seven feet off the ground, kicking her feet back and forth slowly. Drew thinks her outfit is a little too Mean Girls for the year 2018—a pink-and-white chequered skirt, a pink turtleneck, a pink cap and white, appropriately-lacy socks.

“All ghost stories are dumb, Lace,” Drew says, closing her laptop. Her notepad is full enough that Drew can now make a comparison. “Especially any Leo Valdez tells.”

“Hey!” Piper pokes her head out from beneath her bed. “He may be an idiot, but he’s my idiot best friend. And the story wasn’t that dumb. Right, Mitch?”

Mitchell stays quiet, and Drew can see him pretending he can’t hear the girls bickering.

“So, I wasn’t listening.” Drew tucks her laptop beneath her bed and ignores Piper’s comment of ‘to nobody’s surprise’. “What was the story?”

“I can’t be bothered to repeat it now,” Piper sighs. “The main idea is that there’s this boy, and his brother, who always sang some song, dies in a car crash. And the boy lives his life in mourning and one day, while he’s in the shower, he hears a muffled singing. He gets out of the shower to look, nobody’s there. It happens a few more times until this guy just fucking rips open the shower curtains to see who it is, and it’s the ghost of his brother.”

“Spooky,” Drew drawls, and smirks. Piper rolls her eyes.

“Well, if you want to yell at someone for the story, go talk to Leo,” she says, sitting up on her knees, a dusty coin in her hand. “Ha! I found it after all. Suck on that, Fates.”

“Yeah, actually, I might go do that,” Drew says. She swings her legs off the bed and stands up, stretching. Her red Chuck Taylors thud on the floor. Piper blanches.

“Wait, what? Hold on, Drew, wait, I was kidding, I—”

“Bye, love!” Drew makes sure her red skirt swishes when she turns around—it’s a habit. “If Leo isn’t at dinner, you know why!”

She exits the cabin as Piper yells, Lacy snorts with laughter and Mitchell gasps.

The day is… fine, Drew supposes. There’s little cloud cover, and the sun is just sitting over the horizon, ready to set, dying the sky a golden shade of orange. There’s a breeze, but it’s only just cold enough to separate the weather from a Spring day. Birds are chirping somewhere in the woods, and if Drew strains to hear over kids squealing and Sherman Yang bellowing for a fight, she can hear the water nymphs gossiping.

But Drew’s never been a fan of Autumn. She much prefers Summer, when she can jump into the lake with her clothes on and nobody will whisper that’s not a very preppy thing to do behind her back. When she doesn’t have to bother with wearing a sweater, and wondering what time she’ll have to shed it, and when she’ll have to pull it back on.

Oh, well. She’s not Zeus.

Drew looks around camp. She’s not going to go make fun of Leo—she never was. She just wanted to go outside before it got too cold to do so in a skirt. But now, she’s not too sure where to go. Perhaps she can just go for a walk around camp, listening for some rumours she can either debunk or pull to the surface. Or she can head to the archery range, watch Bella Swarchovski practise her shooting (the girl had some biceps, Drew wasn’t ashamed to admit she thought she was cute). Maybe she could even pick up a spear and train for a bit, run the stick through some dummies.

Her eyes drift to the big house, where somebody’s blaring The 1975 so loudly it hurts to even try and think over it.

She knows who’s in there, making such a ruckus. She might as well go convince him to turn it down.

Drew feels dry leaves skate on her calves as she wipes her feet on the doormat of the big house. They feel like the breath of a vampire—dry and coarse. She shudders, and walks inside.

The music is ten times louder now, and she can see the culprit. Honestly, to not see him would require absolutely no vision; nobody can miss a mop of curly blond hair, or a six-foot figure that dances like he can’t even walk, or a bright orange set of scrubs. Drew almost wishes she wasn’t even friends with this boy.

“WILL!” She screams to be heard over the music. Will Solace doesn’t seem to hear. He continues to jump around while cutting bandages, which, Drew presumes, is totally not proper safety protocol. “WILL SOLACE!”

Finally, Will freezes, and turns around. In one hand, he holds a pair of scissors, open and very sharp. In the other, a roll of bandages. A paper sticker with his name in messy handwriting, spelled with three Ls, is stuck to the pocket of his scrubs. He grins, and waves at Drew.

“Hey Drew!” He shouts. “What’s up?”

“Your music volume? Turn it down, dude!”

Will’s eyebrows scrunch together in a way Drew may have once found endearing and attractive. He dials the volume knob on his old radio to the left and bites his lip sheepishly.

“Better?” He asks. Drew chuckles.

“So much better. Now I can hear myself think.”

Will’s blue eyes convey too many emotions for Drew to keep up with. They’re always like that—they swirl and flicker like stars, matching the constellations of freckles all over his skin. He sets down the bandages and scissors and beckons Drew over.

“So what brings you to the infirmary? Other than the music, I mean.” Will prods a cupboard door shut with his foot. Drew wanders forward, picking up a framed polaroid photo on her way.

It’s a photo from last year’s Halloween party, hosted by the Aphrodite cabin, as usual. Drew’s wearing an elaborate fae costume she’d designed from scratch, all detailed and shimmery gold. She’s rather proud of that costume.

On the left of past-Drew, Will has one arm around Nico di Angelo, and one around Lou Ellen Blackstone. He grins with horribly fake vampire teeth, a set to go with his costume. To Drew’s right, Cecil Markowitz is wearing a crown made of glowsticks and sticking out his tongue.

“We need a better photo this year,” Drew says, setting the phot back down and turning back to Will, who nods cheerfully.

“Oh, yeah. I have a much better costume this year, and I’ve even convinced Nico to dress up. I hope your cabin can make the party as good as ever.”

“We’ll go above and beyond, Solace,” Drew promises, falling into a spinning chair and using her toes to push herself around. “As long as you guys can get a good playlist. Can I know your costume?”

“You cannot!” Will snips one last bandage and collapses on a cot, sprawled out like some long-ass octopus. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

“Shame.” Drew twirls her hair between her fingers, watches as the sun sends glowing, faint rays through the window and Will subconsciously absorbs it into his skin. His eyes seem to glow a little brighter. “I was going to ask for help on what I should go as.”

“I can still help!” Will exclaims. Drew tries not to laugh at the excitement in his voice. “Look, do you have a list? Because I already came up with some ideas, like, what about the girl from The Ring?”

“Samara?”

“Yeah, her! Or Edna, from The Incredibles.”

“I’m not going as her!” Drew bursts, watching Will cackle. “I’m way too tall!”

“I know, I know, I was kidding.” Will gulps down some water from a glass next to the cot. “In all seriousness, though, do you have any ideas?”

“Um…” Drew screws up her nose and tries to think back to her notepad. It’s only been a few minutes ago that she’d looked at it, but her ADHD makes her memory about as good as a goldfish’s. “Well, I know Veronica Sawyer was on it. Or Heather Duke. And, um… Wednesday Addams?”

Will nods sensibly, like he’s in the middle of a meeting, and drums his fingers on his knees to the tune of whatever song is playing now. Drew knows for sure that a black swan ballet dancer was on there, but for some reason, she feels hesitant to s it. Perhaps it’s because that had always been something Silena had suggested she’d go as when she grew older.

The comment has always bothered Drew—the black swan was the villain of Swan Lake’s story, the one who pushed Odette to her death. It wasn’t fair that Silena always saw Drew as the villain, the ‘bad girl’ who’s only motive was lust.

It especially wasn’t fair that Silena turned out to be the traitor, the sister who got so many killed. The sister who always dressed as the white swan.

And yet… the pull of the black swan costume is strong. Drew hates how appealing the idea of going in such a costume is.

“I think Veronica’s a good idea,” Will finally says, snapping Drew from her bitter memories. “I mean, her side of the story is much creepier and more disturbing than Duke’s.”

“Mhm.” Drew is only half listening. And Duke is the villain. “And, like, there’s a whole list. We’ll give it a look-over tomorrow?”

It’s a question. Lately, Will’s been pretty busy looking after his little sister, Tess, who has influenza. And, of course, he’s always on dates with Nico.

“Yeah, come and meet me at archery range at about noon!” Will glances outside, and Drew follows his gaze. The sun has finally set—time for dinner. Time to go help Piper wrangle their siblings.

“Will do.” Drew stands up and blows a kiss to Will, who pretends to catch it and grins. “See you tomorrow, love. Tell Tess I hope she gets better soon.”

When Drew arrives back at the Aphrodite cabin, her siblings are lined up, chatting about Halloween and the pumpkins they’ll carve and the costumes they’ll wear. Drew tells Piper she’ll catch up to them at the dining pavilion, if she wants to take them all now. Piper nods and herds everybody outside, leaving Drew alone with her notebook in hand.

She hesitates, but once she starts to scratch out black swan, she can’t stop. She scribbles furiously, feeling her heart clench and not stopping until she rips the paper with a harsh hiss.

[callunavulgari]

“In the past I lay out on the land Stretched my legs felt my chest expand If we could flow together someday Then we will float away”

Heather’s Top 25 50 Songs of 2018!

guts — alex winston // sweet dreams — mark hadley // africa — toto // go to war — nothing more // smallest light — ingrid michaelson // my friends — oh wonder // knocking on heaven’s door — raign // rememberance — balmorhea // hazy shade of winter — hidden citizens // time after time — joseph william morgan // live in the moment — portugal. the man // killmonger — ludwig goransson // daddy issues — the neighbourhood // no roots — alice merton // run for your life — k.flay // play with fire — sam tinnesz // the sailor song — autoheart // warrior — steve james // IV. sweatpants — childish gambino // hello — via audio // daddy — emeli sande // paradise valley — honey and the sting // attila the king — nick glennie-smith // foolish — lauren shippen // experience — ludovico einaudi // singing in the rain — through juniper vale //  hello stranger — barbara lewis // end credits suite — nicholas britell // ahead by a century — the tragically hip // achilles come down — gang of youths // without you — leslie odom jr. // natural — imagine dragons // sky full of song — florence & the machine // broken people — logic & rag’n’bone man // flesh and bone — black math // nina cried power— hozier // kol nidrey — the yuval ron ensemble //  stronger — the score // rise like a phoenix — conchita wurst // heroes — mans zelmerlow // cut to the feeling — carly rae jepson // the greatest show — hugh jackman // the plains/bitter dancer — fleet foxes // always starting over — idina menzel // if i could turn back time — cher // new rules — dua lipa // fernando — cher // it’s quiet uptown — kelly clarkson // movement — hozier // seasons of love — rent cast

short version | long version

so, fun fact. if you start a playlist in january and add a song every time you really love it or find yourself listening to it a lot, by december you find yourself with... a very, very large playlist. 261 songs, 17 hours and 17 minutes large to be precise. which hey, last year the mix was 262 so that’s a pretty spot on average.

i sort of prefer the long one, but i mean, hey. there’s large playlists, and then there’s listing all 261 songs. so i broke it down into a moderately more digestible abridged version with only 50 songs. if you want the original playlist, the link is there. have fun. til then though, here’s my 50 most played.

i. guts || alex winston i know you're a liar, throw me into the fire man i should have known, i should have known god damn you're a liar, threw me into the fire

This song is one of those where the catchy jingle sort of hides that the meat of it is relatively dark. It’s a gorgeous song, one that I listened to for most of January, and off and on throughout the rest of the year. Alex Winston’s voice is like a dream. ii. sweet dreams || mark hadley ft. dresage Hold your head up Keep your head up, movin' on

This song I actually listened to a lot at the tale end of 2017, because it was released as part of the Wrinkle In Time trailer and it was absolutely gorgeous. This year, I found it on a Stranger Things fanvid and it’s been on my Stranger Things mix ever since.

iii. africa || toto I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation She's coming in, 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation

Speaking of songs that are on my Stranger Things playlist... I’m kind of at a loss as to why this got so freaking popular this year. I mean, it is a truly dope song and I’m super fond of it but like. Was it Stranger Things? Did it just become that anthem of the year? For me, it was that I wrote fanfiction to it and also we played it on loop while we were playing beer liquor pong on vacation. It was... super surreal. iv. go to war || nothing more Hush, my baby, make no sound Maybe we can wait each other out It's a cold war Let's go to war So, this song I actually heard driving home from my friend Alex’s after marathoning a few episodes of The Flash and it just hit me super hard. I mean, it’s a great song for my kind of ships, but also, it’s just a great song. v. smallest light || ingrid michaelson Just because you don't see us Doesn't mean that we don't exist Sometimes the smallest light Shines so bright I think I originally found this song on the Watercast playlist on spotify? And I really liked it, because I like most of the songs on that playlist, but like. I was driving to work one day and like, just got hit with the biggest plot bunny for Will and El as siblings. And like, I just had that bunny and this song percolating in my head for the rest of the day, and the song just kind of stuck with me. This song is Will and El’s anthem. vi. my friends || oh wonder Can I beat within your heart? Can I bleed within your love? Oh my friends

Okay, so like show of hands- who here has read We Were Liars? This is a mostly hypothetical question because I’m not sure anyone actually pays attention to these anymore but I like them, so fuck it. Point is, I was listening to the watercast playlist a lot while reading that book and this song was playing when we made certain discoveries that most of us had already guessed, and it made me cry. vii. knocking on heaven’s door || raign It's gettin' dark, too dark to see I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door

This fanvid happened around the time I was writing that Will and El as siblings fic and I basically played it and the video that inspired the next song on the list on repeat until I finished. This cover is lovely and haunting and just, such a freaking earworm.

viii. remembrance || balmorhea instrumental Yeah, this is the video. I actually used this song in a fanvid of my own a couple years ago, when I got to make a fanvid for @iki-teru���‘s fantastic Yuffie-centric fic All Through the Circling Years which... I can no longer find, so maybe it was taken down? Either way, I loved the song immensely before, but that fanvid with Hopper is so fucking tragic and beautiful. ix. hazy shade of winter || hidden citizens Seasons change with the scenery Weaving time in a tapestry Won't you stop and remember me

There... are a lot of songs on here that are also on my Stranger Things playlist. And I’m a sucker for haunting covers. x. time after time || joseph william morgan If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting Time after time This is the last of the Stranger Things songs. Well, at least the last of the ones that aren’t Harringrove related. Another fanvid that caught me off guard, because just. Damn. There are so many beautiful fanvids for this fandom, it kills me dead. xi. live in the moment || portugal. the man Come back Sunday morning With that soul to sell When you're gone Goodbye, so long, farewell Not 100% sure where I first heard this one, but it stayed with me for a good portion of the spring and summer. I discovered their song feel it still around this time last year too, so clearly they’re just a real good jam for when you want to feel the sun on your back. xii. killmonger || ludwig goransson instrumental

There are a couple songs from the Black Panther soundtrack on the longer version of this mix, three from the score and one, maybe two from the credits. I freaking loved that movie so damn much, but it’s soundtrack blew my goddamn mind. It is literally all I listened to for weeks, and this song in particular fucked me right the hell up. Just listen to the flutes and the bass. Just, damn. Killmonger, you’ve got the best theme in the entire movie. xiii. daddy issues || the neighbourhood I'd do whatever I could do I'd run away and hide with you I love that you got daddy issues And I do too And heeeere it is. This was the first song that I associated with Harringrove for uh, very obvious reasons. Definitely had this and a few others on repeat whenever I had to write sexy scenes for the boys. xiv. no roots || alice merton I like digging holes and hiding things inside them When I'll grow old, I hope I won't forget to find them 'Cause I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night

This song hits the same part of me that fell absolutely in love with Guts when I first heard it. Alice Merton’s voice is just fantastic. xv. run for your life || k.flay Bite off the venomous head Follow the chemical scent Look for the hole in the fence Take everything you demand

I got to see K.Flay in concert sometime late last year, and even though I didn’t know her very well (I told my friend that I’d see K.Flay with him if he saw Glass Animals with me) her music was sweet enough that I could appreciate the concert even knowing none of the songs. Let me tell you though, I fucking wish she’d played this song then because holy fuck. xvi. play with fire || sam tinnesz Insane, inside the danger gets me high Can't help myself got secrets I can't tell I love the smell of gasoline I light the match to taste the heat Kuroshitsuji is something I haven’t really thought about in like half a decade. And then I ended up seeing this vid while I was waiting for my connecting plane to arrive so I could go see my family. I only saw the damn thing because it was made by the same person who did this one, which I hunted down because I was reading Yuri On Ice fic on the plane and the point is: pingvi is amazing and all of their vids are a goddamn delight. xvii. the sailor song || autoheart I was your sailor, your demon Your lover, your overbearing best friend Hoping for some attention

So, while I was down visiting my family sometime during the spring, I had a brief dizzying spiral where I fell head over face into the Pacific Rim fandom, because Uprising quite emphatically fucked me up. Anyway, because of this I spent the night after I saw it scrolling through fanart and reading half a decade old fanfiction while my brother was trying to make me pay attention to him. And yeah, that’s how I found this art and listened to this song for like the rest of the fucking year. xviii. warrior || steve james I got my head high, my chest out, my eyes open wide I got no fear, got no doubt and, god, I feel alive I'm not stopping for ya, I'm a fucking warrior

My brother showed me a bunch of fanvids on my first day down there, but my favorite was this one, because I’d recently watched Little Witch Academia and this was so freaking cute and all kinds of lovely. xix. iv. sweatpants || childish gambino Rich kid, asshole: paint me as a villain

Another thing that happened to me that week was the discovery of lipgallagher’s fantastic harringrove fic (shoot the lights out, hide) till its bright out. Which is all kinds of great and lead me to this song and the realization that Donald Glover does music? xx. hello || via audio How could it be Someone could find me Too scary to say hello to This was one of the songs on Damien’s fanmix from The Bright Sessions. And because The Bright Sessions suckerpunched me with feelings, I spent like a month straight listening to that mix and getting into that garbage man’s headspace. It was wonderful. xxi. daddy || emeli sande He's out your system yeah it took you a while You got your family back and you got your smile And you promised your sister that you'd never go back again I spent the better half of this year shipping Harringrove and Mark/Damien, which are both ships that are... well, not exactly the healthiest of relationships. Mark/Damien fucking ruined me. Listening to the last bit of The Bright Sessions was basically physically painful because like, okay. Logically I know that Damien is a garbage person. But also, he’s got a shitty power that would lead to some pretty interesting moral dilemmas even if you were a normal nice person (cough cough Mark), and like. They’re both so fucked up and Damien is so in love with Mark even if he’s not entirely sure how to be a fucking person and I have never had a pairing come after me as hard as this one did. Like it really came after me. Anyway, this was my true Damien/Mark anthem, because it’s fucking perfect and awful and fantastic and I just want them back in my life, guys.

xxii. paradise valley || honey and the sting In the past I lay out on the land Stretched my legs felt my chest expand If we could flow together someday Then we will float away

This here is my most played track of 2018. I first heard it during the special two hour episode of Wolf 359 and the whole end of that episode just blew my mind. So I immediately went to spotify, found it, and have basically listened to it all year since then. It helps that Nick loves it too, so every once in a while he’ll be playing it, which reminds me why I love it and just. It’s so soulful and beautiful.

xxiii. attila the king || nick glennie-smith instrumental

Yeah, I literally have no idea how this made it to the top 50 much less the top five, but apparently it did. It is really good writing music, but still.

xxiv. foolish || lauren shippen The impossible happens every day No matter what you do it won’t go away Don’t ask for more But then what are you waiting for

This was my year for podcasts - in one year I fell in love with Wolf 359, The Bright Sessions, and EOS 10 all over again when it came back for its third season. Near the end of the series though, The Bright Sessions did a musical episode! I listened to it in my car on my way to work and basically spent the entire freaking time smiling like an idiot. Truly my favorite episode. xxv. experience || ludovico einaudi instrumental

The Sense8 finale came out in June and it was absolutely wonderful. This song was playing during the last scene of the series and I fucking cried my eyes out. The song itself is fucking gorgeous, but what’s more is it made that last scene so much more than it would have been if they’d chosen any other song. It truly was, and forgive the corniness, a fucking experience. xxvi. singing in the rain || through juniper I'm singin' in the rain Just singin' in the rain What a glorious feeling I'm happy again I went through a phase in June-July where I checked out a bunch of old movies from the library. The first one was Philadelphia, because it was mentioned in the musical episode of The Bright Sessions and I just really wanted to watch it? But I also picked up Singing In The Rain, because I’d never seen it before and just, damn. I watched it before work and it was raining that day and the drive to work was the most fun because I just listened to different covers of the song and sang my heart out, and I was just so damn happy. It was dumb, and nice, and it probably going to be one of my happiest memories that I take with me into the new year. xxvii. hello stranger || barbara lewis Hello, stranger (ooh) It seems so good to see you back again How long has it been? (ooh, seems like a mighty long time)

I also watched Moonlight sometime in late June. It was one of those quiet nights where nothing really seems good enough, where you feel just a little bit empty inside and nothing is helping. So I watched the movie and read @notbecauseofvictories​‘s A Cornstalk Fiddle on my back porch afterwards and the movie combined with the fic and the music turned that quiet empty night into something just as quiet, but a million times more full. Another good memory from 2018 that’ll stay with me for awhile.

xxviii. end credits suite | nicholas britell instrumental From the end credits of Moonlight - I played both this and Hello Stranger on repeat while I finished up the fic I mentioned above.

xxix. ahead by a century | the tragically hip No dress rehearsal This is our life

I watched Anne With An E. I was sad a lot at the time, and got to a part early on in the second season that kind of lead me into an uncomfortable headspace so I actually still haven’t finished it? But it was really nice for awhile, and I hope to go back and finish it sometime.

xxx. achilles come down | gang of youths Just humour us, Achilles, Achilles, come down Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?

I’m not 100% sure where I found this song either? My gut reaction is that it was a song I found while I was reading either The Cruel Prince or The Goblin Emperor, but I’m not sure. Good song, though.

xxxi. without you | leslie odom jr. The earth turns The sun burns But I die Without you

Oh man, I found this cover one night while I was reading, and like, I was reading, so at first I didn’t really process what I was hearing, just that it was familiar and that I liked it. And then my brain connected the dots and I looked up and saw that it was a cover by Leslie Odom Jr and immediately restarted the song and just listened.

xxxii. natural | imagine dragons Deep inside me, I'm fading to black, I'm fading Took an oath by the blood of my hand, won't break it I can taste it, the end is upon us, I swear Yeah. I like Imagine Dragons. Honestly though - this one might not have made the cut if I hadn’t heard it a few months later on an EOS 10 playlist.

xxxiii. sky full of song | florence & the machine Grab me by my ankles I've been flying for too long I couldn't hide from the thunder In the sky full of song So, a while back there was that video going around where Florence literally sang this song while a storm started up around her, and like, that was the first time I heard this song? That was the first I heard that she even came out with a new album, so I basically sat down and listened to the whole thing, but this one was still my favorite.

xxxiv. broken people | logic & rag’n’bone man Broken we ain't beaten There's no glory in defeat We won't fall into the cracks between our streets

I uh, may have watched a couple fanvids after Infinity War. This was one of them.

xxxv. flesh and bone | black math Break the truth inside of me Climbed down to hell on the devil’s tree I clutched a branch of soot and flame The thought that rose, to scorch my feet

I walk alone Beside myself Nowhere to go

This was another.

xxxvi. nina cried power | hozier It's not the song, it is the singin' It's the heaven of the human spirit ringin' It is the bringin' of the line It is the bearin' of the lie It's not the wakin', it's the risin'

So last year Take Me To Church made it to my Top 38 or whatever I had it narrowed down to, mostly because I went through a Les Mis phase. But I kind of joked on that post last year about Hozier releasing an album next year and how unlikely it was, and lo, here we have it. Maybe not a full length album, but five new beautiful songs.

xxxvii. kol nidrey | the yuval ron ensemble Nidrana lo nidrei, V'essarana lo essarei Ush'vuatana lo shevuot. Maggie Stiefvater posted this song to her blog a couple months ago and I was really fond of it. It’s incredibly beautiful.

xxxviii. stronger | the score I do this with conviction I write truths and never fiction My disease is what you fed I can't stop with my ambition

Oh look, another Marvel fanvid.

xxxix. rise like a phoenix || conchita wurst I rise up to the sky You threw me down but I'm gonna fly So honestly, basically the rest of the mix are songs from Ryan’s OR mix which is an official EOS 10 playlist. It’s phenomenal, and I basically spent all of October and some of November getting stuck on various songs in the mix. xl. heroes || mars zelmerlow Don't tell the gods I left a mess I can't undo what has been done Let's run for cover

Yup. Giving me feels and also super catchy.

xli. cut to the feeling | carly rae jepson Ah, I wanna cut through the clouds, break the ceiling I wanna dance on the roof, you and me alone I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah Okay, but like - why did nobody tell me that Carly Rae Jepson had other songs and they were super fucking catchy? I spent the last few days of being a waitress driving to work blaring this and the last two songs and it did fucking wonders for my mood.

xlii. the greatest show | hugh jackman Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for (woah) Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor (woah) And buried in your bones there's an ache that you can't ignore Taking your breath, stealing your mind And all that was real is left behind

Breaking news, The Greatest Showman was amazing and I cried. I fucking missed hearing Hugh Jackman sing, and like the fucking lead up, of starting the movie with this song and then ENDING it with this song, with that performance, with those fucking lines (this is the moment you’ve waited for) - was so goddamn energizing. I just could not fucking deal.

xliii. the plains/bitter dancer | fleet foxes I should have known one day you would come All of us walk so blind in the sun Midnight feeder, beggar pleader

Okay, okay. So there's this playlist called Wet Black Leaves that I listened to a lot when I started my new job, throughout rainy October and November, everything was just a little too wet and a little too cold, and this whole mix is so atmospheric and gorgeous. I absolutely adore it.

xliv. always starting over | idina menzel Am I always Starting over? In a brand new story Am I always Back at one After all I've done?

The finale of Wolf 359 fucked everyone up, right? Yeah, obviously. Okay, well the final episode of season 3 of EOS 10 also fucked me right the hell up. Like we’re talking messy crying in the car on the way to your like second or third day at the new job. Anyway, I kind of spiraled and then I went back and listened to Ryan’s mix and found this song and just wanted to kick my heart around for awhile.

xlv. if i could turn back time | cher If I could reach the stars I'd give 'em all to you Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do If I could turn back time MESSY CRYING. But like, I also really like this song. So MESSY CRYING and also screaming all these words as loudly as I can within the relatively safe confines of my car. I guarantee you that people next to me at stop lights thought that I’d gone through a messy breakup.

xlvi. new rules | dua lipa Three: Don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him, you ain't gettin' over him Okay, but also some of the Ryan songs were catchy in a not heart breaking way, unless you think about the untold story of what exactly went on between Ryan and Akmazian and fill in the blanks and break your own heart.

xlvii. fernando | cher There was something in the air that night The stars were bright, Fernando They were shining there for you and me

Cher did an entire cover album of Abba songs in like, late October, I think? And like, my little gay heart fucking exploded and I listened to Cher singing ABBA songs for like three whole weeks and it was fucking fantastic. This... was actually not my favorite of the bunch until I went into a Barnes and Noble to pick up a copy of The Wise Man’s Fear and had a completely transformative experience when I heard it playing softly over the stacks.

xlviii. it’s quiet uptown | kelly clarkson If I could spare his life If I could trade his life for mine He’d be standing here right now And you would smile, and that would be enough

And after a brief detour into delightful cher/abba combinations we’re back to tragic EOS 10 songs. Additionally, I’m sick of Hamilton songs fucking me up. I get to see it in person in 2019 and I’m going to make a fool of myself when I cry my eyes out in front of Nick and our friends.

xlix. movement | hozier So move me, baby Shake like the bough of a willow tree You do it naturally

And just when I thought we were just going to get the four songs out of Hozier in 2018, we got this gem, which I think I like more than all the others.

l. seasons of love | rent cast Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure the life Of a woman or a man?

I will never be over this song. I will never be over this musical. Merry Christmas, guys.