#i was NOT expecting them to pull a me2

[halamshiral]

so. with 90+ hours i finally finished veilguard and

i'm a wreck

nothing will ever give me the emotional high that a bioware game gives me, no matter what

what an amazing game this would have been if they had cared enough about world states and not decided to remove every possible moral conflict ever

[ilygetou]

hii evey, i was recalling our conversation last time and i just couldn’t stop thinking about feral! rin. it’s haunting me. please. sos help.

‎╰─▸ ❝ S‎ER0T0N1N!‎ ❞

C/W: dubcon just in case, jealous! feral! rinny :(, pwp, unprotected sex, thoughts of baby trapping but rin isn’t an asshole, overstimulation, marking, lots of biting, possessiveness, hair pulling, ass slapping, no aftercare kinda of a sick twisted ending but rin turns soft >_<.

notes. AVAAA‼️‼️ NO BECAUSE ME2. that convo was wild, had me giggling n’ kickin my feet i literally screamed into my pillow. like. jealous rin? jealous rinny going feral?? sign me the fuck up😭🙏🙏😭

psa. this is kinda rushed ?? i wrote this during my two hours plane ride cause i was saurr bored and had nun 2 do☹️ so please excuse the terrible ending! + not proofread pls be aware of grammatical mistakes if there’ll be any.

Your moans were echoing throughout the huge room, with every thrust of rin’s hips, an audible moan left you. Rin was fucking you in an absurd pace, ignoring your sobs n pleads for him to slow down, to give you time to adjust to his size. All to which fell on deaf ears.

After all, if you didn’t want this you wouldn’t go and throw yourself all over his brother. Giving the other itoshi a cheeky smile, as you engaged in a small conversation with him before making him sign a shirt that had sae’s name and jersey number.

It all happened in front of rin;

You went up to his brother, sae, with a huge grin on your face, approaching the other itoshi while wearing a tight black dress that hugged every curve in your body. Rin’s eyes went up from you to your body & to the white jersey you were holding, expecting it to be his–only to notice his brother’s name and number on it. He immediately frowned, a confused mixed with an angry look covered rin’s face–which didn’t fit him, your boyfriend always had a boring, plain expression on his face—occasionally giving you small smiles and not-so-noticable pouty faces every time you two were alone.

So, seeing you holding his brother’s jersey as you approached him, turned on something within him. Rin continued watching from a distance, waiting for your next move as you continued speaking to his brother.

Rin watched as you moved closer to sae, your shoulders particularly touching. Sae gave you a confused look before going back to the same dull expression except his green eyes were now studying your face features, green eyes bore into yours as he kept checking you out. Sae looked you up and down, he smirked as he bent down a little, he was now face to face with you.

Rin’s eyes fill up with anger, his eyes twitching as he awaits for yours or his brother’s next move.

Sae suddenly brought out his hand and placed them on your chin–making you look up to him as you two held eye contact, a huge grin covered sae’s face before muttering something that only you two could hear.

Rin couldn’t take it, veins popping up on the side of his head, both of his fists were clenched to his sides as he let out a low scoff. This was unusual for rin. It was usual inside the field–getting angry at his opponents and teammates but for him to get this angry outside the field? He could say it was slightly unusual of him.

After what sae said to you, a noticeable blush spread across your face before you shyly nodded your head & handed sae the jersey you were holding. Sae let out a snicker before signing the jersey and rin could swear this was it for him. Millions of questions ran through your boyfriend’s head; were you secretly a fan of his older brother? Even after rin has told you about his and sae’s rocky relationship?

Sae handed you back the jersey, he gave you a wink before he walked away from you. And you just stood there, dumbfounded.

Shortly after sae left, rin quickly appeared in front of you. He had an unpleasant look on his face, “oh rin!” but rin ignored you, letting out a scoff as he walked past you. You were confused by rin’s cold and obnoxious behavior, you were about to go follow him only for rin to already be out of your sight.

The ride back home was silent, you kept trying to make up small conversations with rin; asking him ‘how did practice go with his older brother’–only for rin to click his tongue, pressing harder on the accelerator for the car to go faster.

And this was how you were brought on to this situation;

Rin dragged you to your shared bedroom, pressing you against the wall as he pressed his lips against yours, pulling you into a sloppy kiss–not giving you time to breath, rin continually kept giving you rough sloppy kisses.

He pushed you down onto the mattress, pushing your head down with his hand while his other hand traveled down to your ass, he grabbed on the plush of your ass before slowly moving them to meet your clothed pussy.

Rin immediately pushed down his fingers on your clit, massaging it from above your panties. You were letting out gasps, trying to look back at rin only for him to push down your head even harder.

You figured that rin’s cold attitude towards you was because he was sexually frustrated or maybe tired from practice and that he needed something to release his stress too, so you didn’t try fighting back or make him stop.

Rin quickly ripped off your panties, his slender fingers running through your wet folds–he pressed his fingers down against your slit before he slowly pushed two long fingers inside you.

Your slick was dripping out onto his fingers, staining the mattress beneath you. Rin immediately pulled out his fingers, not intending to make you cum around his digits.

You let out a whine, trying once again to move your head and look back at rin–only for you to fall right back as a slap landed on your right cheek, making you wince in pain. Rin didn’t waste a single second before landing another harsh slap against your other cheek–tears pricked on the corner of your eyes, your cheeks were flushed as small cries left you.

You were confused by your boyfriend’s rough attitude & movements. Rin was always so soft and gentle with you in bed, taking his sweet time preparing you before making you take his cock–giving you kind, tender kisses the whole time he was inside you. He was never the rough type, so this sudden change was all too disconcerting for you.

Rin’s whole focus was on ruining you, label you you & mark you. So the next time the other itoshi sees you knows who you belong to.

Rin’s cock was painfully hard, he started rubbing & grinding against your sopping cunt–holding the tip and circling it around your clit, he kept pressing his girth against your clit until it became all swollen n’ puffy — “r-rin, wa–!” and you were caught off by a sudden tug on your hair, rin pulled your hair to get your face closer to his, he then placed his hand on your chin and pulled you into another sloppy kiss to shut you up.

His grip on your hair was firm, no sign of him letting go any time soon. He pulled back your hair, moving your face away from his, and for the first time–you managed to take a quick glance at your boyfriend’s face. His eyes darkened, the inconspicuous sparkle in his eyes that he always had every time he was with you or fucking you was no longer there. His eyes grew dim as his lips curved downwards.

His grip on your hair loosened up & you falled straight back to the mattress–this time rin flipped you, and you were now laying on your back as you were now facing him. Rin was gliding his cock down your slit, rubbing it against your hole until half of his tip slipped in. A few mewls left you, tears falling and staining your cheek.

Rin gripped your thighs and pushed them back to the point where they’re almost touching your breasts, a broken whimper escaped you as Rin put almost all of his body weight on you. He quickly shoved his cock fully inside you, his balls pressed against your ass. Rin wrapped his hands around your neck–squeezing until you could barely breathe.

Rin’s hands didn’t budge, squeezing your neck harder until your face turned pale. That’s when his grip slowly loosened up, you were coughing and gasping for air–tears continuously kept falling & staining your cheeks with every blink you made. Despite all this, rin didn’t utter a single word.

Rin was always quiet during sex, even when he’s like this, he was still quiet–the only audible thing were his groans and grunts.

Rin started moving his hips, in a quick, animalistic pace. His hips kept slamming against yours, your velvet walls wrapped around his warm length causing his cock to throb n’ twitch inside you. Rin held your knees, pressing them harder against your chest as he kept ramming into you, his cock pulsing with every squeeze of your walls.

His cock was deep inside you, a guttural sound left rin before he attacked your neck, his tongue dragged down your neck–leaving a trail of his hot salvia along your neck. Rin gave your neck a slight bite before he started to suck on the delicate skin of your neck.

He was moving his hips in a rapid speed, his tip kissing your cervix with every jolt he made. His mouth still connected to your skin, biting and sucking until the spot he was sucking on turned into a dark shade of purple.

Rin kept sucking and kissing on your skin, his dick still stuffed deep into the warmth of your cunt, your whimpers turned muffled, biting on your fingers to stop your moans and whimpers from slipping out. Once rin was finished from bruising you, both your neck and collarbones were completely covered with purple marks that looked painful.

Rin still had your knees pressed against your chest as his creamy tip breaches your soaked walls and brushes against your cervix and the way his weighty balls slap against your puffy clit made your brain go fuzzy, his pace remained rough and fast. You could still feel the pain sting you caused by rin abusing your neck which made you let out choked sobs n’ whines.

Tears started mounting your waterline and lower lashes as rin grabbed your face–pressing both of your cheeks together, his hips still slamming against yours, “s-shit, what should i do with you?” rin mutters that it almost seemed like he was asking himself instead of you. Every time the scene of you and his brothers replays in his head his grip he has on your face stiffens and he would pause for a moment before resuming his actions.

Rin thought of many ways to make his brother stay as far away as he can from you, he doesn’t even want his brother to take a quick glance at you. His eyes went extremely dim, darkening completely. Maybe, maybe he should bless you with a child of his, one that looks exactly like rin. So, the next time his brother sees you two together, you’d have a swollen tummy, one that bears rin childs in. And the next time he sees you two, you’d be three, and you would be holding a kid rin lookalike, imagining his brother's shocked and pissed off expression would satisfy rin.

Rin knows that what he’s thinking is wrong, you two talked about it before. You didn’t want a child now, it’s too early, you said. And Rin himself knows that having a child would have an impact on his football career but does he really care? Seeing the other itoshi’s reaction to you bearing rin’s child would quickly make him forget about all the side effects your pregnancy would have on his and your life.

And rin wasn’t in the right state of mind to be thinking this hard, he was balls deep into your cunt, your gummy walls kept fluttering around his cock getting him closer to his orgasm but the thought of not pulling out, cumming deep inside your womb that he’d be sure you’d end up pregnant kept luring in his mind and he was so close to submitting to it. He could just make it up to you with apologies and kisses. Besides, it’s not like you were fully against the idea of having kids with him so what’s with the problem if he did it now?

Your moans and whimpers snapped him out of his thoughts, looking down on you to find a trail of tears staining your cheeks as you kept mumbling about being close, and so was rin, he was already at his limit and it was obvious by the way his cock kept pulsating and throbbing inside you but he held it in, not wanting to let go and cum inside because he still hasn’t decided on what shall he do with you yet.

“rin,,please..rin ‘m close, don’t think i can–ahh– keep going anymore…” you threw your head back, feeling the growing pit in your stomach grow even more before it snapped–your legs started shaking, your jaw hung ajar as nothing but loud moans left you. Milking rin’s cock completely as you gripped the sheets beneath you. You weren’t given much time to recover from your shocking orgasm before your boyfriend was already back at it again, slamming his hips mercilessly, your body went limp as you tried to stop rin from moving.

“rin e-enough, i can’t handle anymore..r-rinn–!” rin grabbed your legs and placed them on his shoulder, allowing him to go even deeper, “nono..rin stop!” As if rin wasn’t present here in the room with you, your words kept falling into deaf ears, his thrusts grew sloppier, he wasn’t giving you any type of attention–his attention grew on your sopping cunt that was pulling him even deeper and kept gripping around his girth. Pulling his whole attention on ruining and staining your pussy, fuck, maybe even mold the shape of your little cunt into the shape of his cock.

His hair covered his eyes, blocking the view in front of him but rin didn’t care as long as he can feel the warmth of your cunt then that’s all he needs to keep going with his obscene acts. You clamped down on him with slippery walls, keeping rin deep in your pussy right where it feels good and he swears he made up his mind right then and there to cum deep in your pussy, after all, you were the one tightening and keeping him stuffed inside your cunt.

Rin held both sides of your waist, his cock shudders and his lips tremble and when he was about to release his seeds inside, you suddenly tugged on his hair and as if you were reading his thoughts you suddenly went; “not inside, p-please” and rin watched as everything he worked hard to do; tame you, bruise you, and work up the courage to baby trap you just all go down a drain. Because he can’t explain the unimaginable guilt he was feeling just from your words alone and the way your small hands managed to tug on his hair to get his attention and the way you looked up at rin with teary pleading eyes, made him break.

Rin slowly pulled out, in time before his release. He wrapped his hands around the base of his cock as he started covering your chubby pussy lips with the fat globes of his cum, getting it everywhere on your pussy. Rin fell on top of you as you whined about the sticky feeling between your legs.

“move rin! i need to talk to you” and rin was surprised that you still had the energy to talk because despite him always having so much energy and stamina as a football player, he couldn’t utter a single word, his body had already given up on him.

Rin moved from on top of you and was now laying down next to you, facing you as a frown and a pout covered your face. And he knew what you were about to ask, ‘what was this all about’ so rin beat you to it. “Can we please talk later? i’m tired” without giving you any time to give him a response rin pulled you closer to him before wrapping a blanket around both of your bodies as rin snuggled into your neck, his fingers tracing the bruises and marks that he left on both your neck and collarbones.

Maybe next time, rin should fuck you from behind, that way you won’t be able to stop him from committing the sinful acts of babytrapping you.

[swaps55]

Hi! Sorry if you have already answered this somewhere, I love reading about your writing process for Opus and was wondering if you would talk about how you pick and choose which missions to assign Sam and Kaidan, like Kaidan taking on the Project Overlord mission? Also, lol, will Sam ever have the misfortune of driving a Hammerhead and how much would he hate it?

Hahahahaha, Sam would hate the Hammerhead so much. I will probably spare him that displeasure, given how much else he has to deal with.

This is such an awesome question; thank you so much for asking it, and I am so sorry this answer is probably far more involved than you were looking for.

Stories like Cantata, Fugue, and Kaidan's portion of Mezzo necessitated missions that weren't main plot for the trilogy. But since the codex is so rich and there are so many side missions across the three games, I made it an unwritten rule that I wouldn't make up a mission from thin air if I could help it. Instead I'd pull something from canon and twist it into a new shape. That put less pressure on me to invent something from scratch, and it meant fun Easter eggs for the reader.

This has taken different shapes. In Cantata, the mission where Sam experiences a blood sugar crash in mid-combat was going to be heavy on action, which meant a fairly elaborate "combat chess board." Designing a visual setting is one of my big weaknesses as a writer, so I set it on Benning because I could then use the ME3MP map as a template to craft the rest of the mission around.

The underwater mission Sam does on Proteus is what it is because the codex states that combat diving is part of the N program. I thought that was cool, and while perusing planets in the codex, the description for Proteus included an underwater colony. "Great!" I said to myself. "What if I broke it?"

Virtually every place the Yang Gang visits in Cantata is pulled straight from canon, as well as what they find there. It's something I'm pretty proud of.

(The big exception is the thresher maw on Sharjilla, which is pure artistic liberty, but I am beyond delighted that people have played that mission expecting to find one because of Cantata. At one point I had planned a really great joke where Sam nukes the thresher maw from orbit out of pure spite, so when they come back to Sharjila in ME1 and Kaidan mentions threshers, someone could go, "wait, there's thresher maws down there?!" and Sam would growl under his breath, "not anymore." But I couldn't fit it into Cantata, lol.)

As for all the side missions I've woven in, they provide a neat opportunity to spread the love. They are Shepard's responsibility in the games because Shepard is the player character, so the entire world revolves around them. In fic, I don't have that constraint, so I am free to take missions that have some good narrative potential and give them to other characters.

Side quests like Bring Down the Sky don't offer much to the canon plot, but for Opus it provided an opportunity for some pretty sharp character development while also advancing my reimagined plans for ME3.

In the case of Overlord, I loved the complexity it would add to something like Horizon: if Kaidan got a first hand glimpse at the terrible things Cerberus does right before discovering Shepard on Horizon, suddenly his distrust and anger take on new meaning.

Kasumi became Kaidan's partner in crime because the cast of ME2 is so dense that I went looking for ways to weed down the cast without having to just leave people out or inflict mass casualties. Kasumi's skillset as a thief never made sense to me for something like the suicide mission, but Kasumi herself is a delight. And like Kaidan, she has experienced the death of a partner. They seemed like such a natural fit for each other, and Keiji's role as a double agent with the Alliance also worked narratively in my favor: I got to use him to answer questions like, "how the hell does Cerberus get their hands on the Normandy design docs?"

Fugue also incorporates a few ME2 side missions that, again, just dovetailed nicely into what I was trying to do. Superimposing Keiji over the Cerberus agent in N7: Lost Operative just worked well for what I wanted to do, and N7: Imminent Ship Crash gave me a good segue into it, while also giving me the chance to explore how Kara and Aslany dealt with the loss of the 'Yang.

So how I choose what missions I use comes down to what I need for the story. I have a vague idea of what I need to accomplish, then look for a side mission or DLC that can help me get there. The Hammerhead DLC missions are utterly terrible to play, but there is just enough of an interesting story to them that I was able to weave something useful to future Opus plans while also letting Kaidan grow into his role as a leader.

The DLC and side missions are really fun to work with, and one of my favorite parts of Opus, even if I almost went bald tearing my hear out over N7: Imminent Ship Crash. XD

[dragonflight203]

Mass Effect 2 replay, squad post Mordin:

Jacob

-Jacob gets the armor upgrade for the Normandy by pulling favors with the Alliance. And now we know why TIM recruited him.

-Talking to Jacob as femshep is hard. Any line can be a flirtation – paragon, renegade, neutral.

The worst part is that Jacob doesn’t seem interested. Any time you flirt, he shuts you down. At least in ME1 Ashley and Kaidan returned the interest.

-I find it interesting people dislike Jacob because he doesn’t open up. As someone who normally remains professional myself at work, that’s never bothered me.

That’s the same vibe I get from Jacob – friendly, attempting to be helpful, but maintaining boundaries to keep personal and professional life separate.

-I do disagree with Jacob’s stance on politics and bureaucracy. He seems convinced in every conversation for the Alliance to do good because it engages them.

Dude was a corsair working for the Alliance unofficially and still complained that there was too much red tape.

Meanwhile, I’m looking at Omega and remembering the “rogue cells” of Cerberus from ME1 and wondering how he can not see the value in oversight and power checks.

-Why was Jacob sidelined after Eden Prime? He says this like it’s an obvious fact and I can’t recall if he ever told me what he had to do with the colony.

-If you go renegade, one of Jacob’s line is that the “General public never knew you were dead”. What?

There are news announcements on the Citadel dead about how the deceased Commander Shepard has been seen on Omega. There’s a memorial on Akuze to Shepard.

I’m going to credit this as a left over line when the plot of ME2 was different, but it’s very weird.

-If you go paragon, one of Shepard’s lines is “Couldn’t hurt to keep some spare parts handy.”

Given that we learn Ceberus had a clone for that exact purpose in ME3… Oof.

Mordin

-Mordin tells you all about how he found bugs all over the labs. Another reminder that Shepard is constantly being watched.

-He tells you to find more collector data and tissue samples.

I think at one point there would be a main mission related to that.

As others have noted, an insect from a collector swarm miraculously appears on the ship when Mordin tells you he found a cure. This line was probably supposed to be foreshadowing of the mission that would have collected the insect.

-Mordin really enjoys a challenge. Describing the limitations he had to work with on Omega reminds me of devs describing the challenges they had in developing a program.

-At this point Mordin only speaks about krogans hypothetically overcoming the genophage, and that his work with the STG was just to prepare militarily for it. He doesn’t trust Shepard enough yet to describe his real work.

-He is very insistent that the genophage is not a sterility plague. It just restores the krogan growth rate to what it was pre industry.

Miranda

-As opposed to Jacob, as soon as Miranda gets the slightest hint of friendliness she opens up.

I think this has more to do with their backgrounds than their characters. Jacob’s spent time in the Alliance where professionalism is expected. He knows he’s working with a sketchy group and is accordingly wary.

Miranda’s accustomed to being treated poorly. She whole heartedly believes in Cerberus and its cause. She tells Shepard her past almost as if she feels the need to make sure Shepard knows what she really is before she can accept Shepard’s friendship. She wants Shepard’s respect, but doesn’t think she deserves it.

Ironically, I suppose the reason Jacob’s more closed off is because he has a higher sense of self worth than Miranda does. He doesn’t feel the need to be validated by Shepard.

-As others have said: One successful mission and Miranda is saying that this is the best Cerberus operation she’s been part of.

That does not speak well of Cerberus.

-Whether you go paragon or renegade, Miranda doesn’t hesitate to remind you that TIM’s in charge. She has quite a journey to go before she’ll be ready to tell him to fuck off.

-Why did Miranda’s father want a daughter for dynasty?

Usually that type specifically want sons.

Every reason I can think of makes the man worse and explains why Miranda is so careful in how she speaks about him and insistent on why she had to get her sister away.

[monowires]

huge text dump about my shepard inbound!

the thing i love most about my shepard is that he’s renegon (renegade enough that he has the fully progressed scars/eyes). but he isn’t evil. at all.

he hasn’t always been this way; his progression thru the trilogy is paragon->paragade->renegon. this is because of his trauma, and the fact that (most) people don’t believe him about the reapers. in my canon, his trauma response wasn’t to become a stronger or better person; his trauma turned him bitter, angry, and rightfully so. this is partially self indulgent because i don’t see enough of this kind of trauma representation in media…

he’s earthborn+sole survivor. so in his canon, he wasn’t ever an inherently good person. he grew up on the streets doing what he had to do to survive; he joined a gang, inevitably tried drugs, established a record of petty crimes—but once he was around 17 (and his biotic abilities began to manifest), he cleaned himself up and focused on bettering himself for joining the alliance ranks. once he was 18, he enlisted.

he underwent training for precise control over his biotics. he went through the n7 program. he survived akuze.

at the start of me1, he’s 5 years in the shadow of akuze. he has only just begun to truly feel free of that shadow. he has only just started to feel like himself again. he values honor, integrity, honesty, and often prioritizes civilian safety over the mission. he offers help to those in need and doesn’t often tolerate violence unless absolutely necessary. while his method of avoiding violence with the enemy often includes intimidating them, he is still considered paragon.

being ignored about the reapers — and the pursuit of saren — whittles away at his resolve. losing ashley takes a massive toll on him. but it isn’t until 2 years later that he begins to really change.

dying does things to a guy, but so does having no choice but to ally with the same people who caused the deaths of your ENTIRE unit on akuze. so does being effectively abandoned by the alliance — aka the people he’d spent the last 11 years with — and being barred from citadel space.

so does being cut off from his friends—and of course he doesn’t blame kaidan for his reaction, he’d actually be rather concerned if kaidan willingly trusted him while he worked for cerberus—but the pain still existed, because he was alone, regardless of how much he understood why.

so we have this man who’s spent the last decade in the military, this man whose whole unit perished on akuze, and now he’s barred from said military while also being forced to work for the organization behind the deaths of his unit. this, understandably, makes him tense. and it only worsens as the storyline progresses.

he isn’t given time to process the fact that he DIED. he is, as usual, expected to operate without qualm or question. it only makes sense that he’d become less tolerant, less open to helping people for no reason—he’s a bit meaner, more guarded, closed off. angry, driven only by his mission, spiraling and grasping for something familiar.

his scars worsen, but it doesn’t get to the point that his eyes glow. by the end of me2 his scars have mostly healed. this is because he’s remained true to himself despite the struggles and the trauma—he destroyed the collector base instead of trusting the illusive man, for example.

after the start of me3 things get worse. people once again expect him to solve their problems, only this time the problem is galactic survival. the same entities that have haunted his dreams for 3 years are invading the galaxy, and he’s supposed to pull everyone together to beat them?

that combined with kaidan’s (still understandable) distrust and the ever worsening traumatic experiences he’s exposed to hardens him. he’s no longer an optimist. he just doesn’t have that in him anymore. he does what it takes. values survival above all else. and he’s developed a taste for violence—not that he hadn’t had one before, but after spending so many years surrounded by nothing but violence, it’s become a sort of outlet. at this point he’s got the stage before the final renegade appearance, the one with the 3 red dots in his eyes.

the defeat at thessia is what really sends him over the edge though.

because goddamn CERBERUS is still fucking with him. and all those deaths on thessia? he sees those as his fault. as well as all the deaths throughout the galaxy afterwards. because thessia was supposed to be the key to the finish line. except it wasn’t.

he just… he crumbles internally a bit. blames himself, hates himself, pushes himself to do better, to be better, to be stronger.

he’s not a hopeful person anymore. he sees the odds for what they are. and he’s so painfully aware of all of the lives resting on his shoulders.

it isn’t surprising that that changes him.

[irikahkrios]

i need you guys to understand. i fucking LOVE the "robot is a person who fights to find their place in the world and be seen as alive" trope. i ADORE it. i think data from star trek is one of the greatest fictional characters of all time. i love edi's plotline in me3. i get upset when any droid in star wars dies. i still cry when i think about bicentennial man. i feel crazy at the thought that people might see me talk about my hatred of the geth and think that i hate fictional robots or something. as an autistic person i feel a ton of kinship with robot characters bc they're so often used as a metaphor for "person trying to understand social cues and fit in and be accepted in society."

the problem is that with the geth, bioware did NOT write a "these robots are people who want to be seen as alive" plot. they wrote a nonsensical plot twist/retcon after spending two and a half games establishing that the geth are a soulless robot army that attempted literal genocide against the quarians (arguably the most sympathetic species in the series), and are never portrayed as anything more than this. they're servants of the reapers. they're helping them to murder and/or reaperize every species in the galaxy. the writers actually had a really good opportunity to make us think of the geth as alive or sympathetic, with the geth unit you capture on the reaper iff mission in me2 and can keep on the normandy if you want. but they chose not to make it alive/sympathetic, you can talk to it and it's literally like talking to cleverbot or something. you never get the sense that there's any kind of sapience there.

there's no attempt to portray the geth as sapient or sympathetic until two-thirds of the way through me3, when the writers suddenly start beating you over the head with characters telling you that ohhh no the geth are ALIVE actually!! this unit has a soul or whatever the fuck!!! and retconning the events of the geth's attempted murder of all the quarians to try and make the geth seem like the sympathetic party. and it never feels like anything more than an attempt at some of that classic bioware Forced Gray Morality, where there's an obvious right side and wrong side but the writers bend over backwards to treat the situation as "morally gray" even when it so clearly isn't. it's so bizarre and out of place with everything in the games thus far that i find it impossible to actually take it seriously.

the end result is really more insulting than anything. it feels like the writers are going "ohh, you spent the last two games thinking the quarians were sympathetic? haha, don't you feel stupid now that This Unit Has A Soul?? you dumb idiot baby, the ACTUAL morally correct action is to help the robots MURDER the quarians! or make 'peace' to give the robots an opportunity to murder them later! you dipshit!" like it just feels like a cheap ass pull for the sake of subverting expectations. it feels insulting to my intelligence as a player, because to take it as canon you need to throw out everything the writers established up until that point. (and don't even get me STARTED on the fucking paragon/renegade points.)

the quarian/geth conflict could have actually been morally gray if they'd wanted it to be. make the situation a bit less black and white from the start, rather than portraying one side as wholly in the right and the other as wholly in the wrong and then suddenly switching them when they wanted to subvert players' expectations. make that "legion" geth unit an actual character, give it interesting things to say, make players form an attachment to it instead of having it just be a thing that stands on your ship and responds to questions with soulless answers like "there was a hole." make us truly feel that this was a conflict between two peoples, instead of the writers suddenly telling you to enable the robot apocalypse. i mean idk i think i'd still have some problems with it, i mean the geth still did all that horrible shit to the quarians. but if we'd gotten the sense at any point that the geth were sapient people, it would have felt more like the morally gray situation the writers were going for in me3 and less like the "oh haha the quarians are the Bad Guys now kill them kill them kill them" shit that they actually wrote in me3.

basically what i'm trying to say is that there's a universe out there where bioware actually put in the work from the first or second game, and actually wrote the geth in a way that made them come off as a group of sapient individuals instead of a soulless hive mind murderbot army trying to kill my shepard's best friend and her entire species. if we lived in that universe we wouldn't be having this conversation. but we don't, so we are.

[glamfellens]

5, 22, 32 and 39 if you’re doin the shep questions!

5. How well does Shepard know their crew? Not just the companions, but the folks making up the Normandy

In ME1, Audrey is striving to be a model Alliance officer, so while she's not the most emotionally in-touch or available person she does try her best to be approachable and offer support when needed, but at the same time maintain the kind of appropriate distance you'd expect between an officer and their crew. This gets a bit confused with Kaidan (because hehe hoho, there's a spark there, just waiting to be ignited by the rising tensions of their current mission to stop Saren), but generally I think Audrey knows everyone at a base level and knows of some intimate details. In ME2 this changes a lot. Audrey is not only struggling with coming back to life, but processing the loss of two years and the damning implications of the Cerberus connection. This causing a lack of emotional availability means, for the majority of the crew, she takes a step back and creates a bigger distance between herself and them. There's still some degree of support being offered like before, but in general Audrey is more content to let the crew and squad make their own personal decisions. Audrey is also more wary of the more Cerberus-positive crew. However there is a disparity between her distance with certain squad/crew members and a closeness with others. While Audrey draws away from the majority, she becomes closer to Garrus, Miranda, Chakwas and Gabby. ME3 has Audrey trying to find a balance. There is definitely more of her ME1 attitude and values present, and I think perhaps the stress of the reaper invasion probably means she pulls a bit closer once again, if only to keep people motivated and keep their spirits as high as possible. That’s not to say she doesn’t care about the crew or have any personal or emotional investment in them, but I think by this point the deification of Commander Shepard is at its strongest and she doesn’t have the time or energy to dissuade anyone from it.

22. What’s the last thing Shepard ate before the final reaper showdown?

I think due to stress and anxiety levels that Audrey wouldn't have much mind for eating, but obviously you can't fight on an empty stomach - so probably something simple and unexciting like toast or...cereal. Nutrient paste maybe? She doesn't have the most exciting food palette thanks to being brought up on star ships and therefore more used to dehydrated space food than anything else!

32. What do they do when they have hit their limit angry, just incandescent with rage

It would really depend on the situation... though it generally takes a lot for Audrey to become truly angry and she wouldn’t want anyone else to see her in that kind of emotional state. I think it’s kind of funny because generally she is a reckless person who has no regard for her own well-being whatsoever, but wouldn’t let rage blind her and cause her to be reckless.

39. Do they keep around any sentimental items?

Lmao the crusty n7 helmet is definitely one, though I think it’s less for sentimental reasons and more, “Wow this really survived getting blown out into space? Guess it’s worth keeping!”. Though I suppose it’s grounding in some ways? A reminder of your mortality... totally cool and normal. Her old dog tags might have some sentimental value, especially as the trilogy progresses... a token of who she used to be and what she used to stand for, kept around to remind her that getting back to who she used to be isn’t impossible, even during her darkest and most self-destructive moments.

Fifty Questions for Commander Shepard

[dwarrowdams]

still I make the choice to bury my love (in the moondust)

Suddenly got in the mood to write something sad, so here’s one I’ve been chewing on for a minute.

Garrus finds out that Liv is missing (and likely dead) at the beginning of ME2.  Kind of a prequel/companion piece to this one, but they can be read separately.

CW: brief reference to dissociation

Garrus was more than a little surprised to see Ashley Williams standing at his office door.

The two of them had always been civil aboard the Normandy, but she certainly wasn’t the first crewmate he’d expect to stop by his workplace, particularly since he anticipated that she’d be chasing down the geth for another few weeks at least.

“Williams,” he said as he arose from his desk.  “What brings you here?”

She shut the door behind her, suddenly looking unsure of herself.  She was quiet for a moment, the beginning of a sentence coming out of her mouth, but she stopped herself before Garrus could understand what she was saying.

“There’s no good way to say this,” she said half to herself before turning to look at Garrus.  “The Normandy blew up.”

He was about to ask for further clarification, but Williams charged ahead before he could.

“Wasn’t long ago—less than a week,” she said.  “It hasn’t made it to the news circuits yet because they’re looking into things, but it was bad.  I’m not really supposed to say anything, but I felt like you should know.”

Her eyes squeezed shut, and Garrus waited a moment before asking the thousand questions that were crossing his mind.  It was clearly difficult for her to relive this, and he didn’t want to make it more so.

“Did the crew make it out okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah,” she said, quickly swiping her fingers beneath her eyes.  “Most of us got into the escape pods, but Liv…”

She shook her head rapidly before turning away.  Garrus shifted slightly as well: while he was no stranger to human tears, he got the sense that Williams was trying desperately to hold herself together.

A few moments later, she pulled something from her pocket and pressed it into his hand, her face still carefully turned away. 

Garrus recognized it immediately as the pendant that Liv always wore.

“She was at the pods with me, but she went back to help Joker get out,” Williams said.  “She told me to give this to you.  Said you could give it back when you two talked.  I think she meant it as a promise that she’d follow through on whatever you two had planned, but…I don’t think she made it.”

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply in an attempt to keep his emotions in check.  “Is she…?” he asked, not able to bring himself to say the word “dead.”

“For now, she’s just missing in action,” she said.  “But Joker saw her get spaced so…I don’t know.  It doesn’t look good.”

Garrus nodded.  “Thanks,” he said.  “For telling me.  I’d rather find out now than have to wait till it hits the news circuits.”

“I tried to stop her,” Ashley said, her voice suddenly small.  “Should’ve known it wouldn’t do any good—after Akuze, she wouldn’t let someone else die if she could help it, even if it meant risking her own skin.”

Garrus said nothing, turning the pendant over in his hand a few more times before pocketing it.  The conversation he and Liv had when he was last aboard the Normandy passed through his head.  She’d been up front about her attraction to him, and he’d been eager to explore where that might go, spurred on by her assurance that she valued their friendship above all else.  She’d brought his life clearly into focus, and he’d wanted to integrate her into it in an ongoing way.  Perhaps they had started as no more than ships passing in the night, but over the months he’d spent aboard the Normandy, he’d come to crave a lasting relationship with her, whatever form that took.

But now, as he looked down at her pendant, he felt every hope he’d allowed himself to have being dashed to pieces.  Williams was a practical sort, and he suspected she wouldn’t have come to tell him if there was a reasonable hope that Liv might be alive somewhere.

Williams’ voice interrupted his thoughts.  “We’ll all miss her, but I know you two had something special,” she said.  “I don’t think she got close to many people, but the two of you…” she trailed off.

“Yeah,” Garrus said.  “Yeah, we were…close.”  His heart was too heavy at the loss of Liv to feel embarrassed that their relationship had been so noticeable to other members of the crew.

“I wish I could say something other than ‘I’m sorry,’ but that’s all I have,” Williams said, her voice breaking slightly.  “I’m so fucking sorry.  I wish…I don’t know.  I wish it wasn’t like this.”

Tentatively, Garrus put a hand on her shoulder, ready to pull it back if she objected, but she didn’t.  They stood like that for a few moments, both holding back a tide of emotions, when Garrus stepped back, removing his hand from Williams’s shoulder.

“I don’t really know what humans do in situations like this,” he said, “but if there’s a…ceremony or anything for her, I want to be there.”

Williams nodded.  “They’ll probably have a funeral if she’s…if they don’t find her in a few months,” she said.  “I know she’s Buddhist, so I don’t know if there’s anything special they do for that, but if any of the information’s not shared publicly, I’ll make sure it gets to you.”

“Thanks,” Garrus said softly.  “It’s not easy, going through something like that and then having to relive it. I appreciate you telling me.”

“It’s what she would’ve wanted,” Williams said, standing in silence for a moment before opening the door.  “I’ll…see you around, I guess.”

Garrus murmured something affirmative and bid her farewell, closing the door of his office behind her.  He walked back to his desk, feeling as though his body was no longer his own, as though someone else were controlling it.

She was gone, just like that.

A part of him hoped that they were able to recover her, but from what Williams had said, it sounded like that was a fool’s hope.

Now that he was alone, the loss hit him like a physical blow, setting the rest of his life off-kilter.  In a short time, Liv had become an important part of his life, and the thought of it without her seemed bleak, as though all the color had been drained out of it.

He withdrew the pendant from his pocket, setting it on the desk.  It was all he had left of Liv now, and having it within sight made the loss sting a little less.

Despite everything Williams had told him, there was still some part of him that hoped that, one day, he’d be able to return it to her.

But until that day—if it ever came—he’d hold onto this small piece of her for the rest of his life: a reminder of the human who had affected him so profoundly in such a short amount of time.

[wellthisisawkwqrd]

As early as ME2 John Shepard asked Mordin to find a cure for Miranda,s sterility. It was finished just before Priority Tuchanka.

After he rescues her and Oriana from Sanctuary, he asks Dr. Michel (Dr. Chakwas was safer with Hackett) to covertly perform the procedure while she's patching Miranda up.

It may be their last chance together so after securing some 20-odd hours of "free time" from Hackett he convinces her to get married in a private, impromptu ceremony aboard the Normandy.

The whole crew attends. Joker officiates. The ring he gives Miranda is slightly hollowed out and contains hair samples from both of them preserved inside.

During the exchange of vows he tells her how much she means to him, in the crapsack world that he has lived in since the Batarians attacked Mindoir her coming became his second lease on life, literally (she resurrected him after all) and figuratively.

He's had friends, and he values his crew like his family, but he never really had anyone to share all of himself with until she came along.

I thought our love would be so beautiful (so beautiful) Somehow we'd make the whole world bright I thought our love would be so beautiful We'd turn the darkness into light And still my heart is singing, we were right We were right

And if I never knew you (if I'd never knew you) I'd have lived my whole life through Empty as the sky Never knowing why Lost forever If I never knew you, ooh Yeah (ooh)

Subconsciously Garrus pulls Tali closer.

It was supposed to be just a human ceremony but Garrus and Tali insisted on holding and officiating a Turian and Quarian ceremony. Wrex and Eve are slightly offended and extract a promise from the couple to do them the honor of officiating a krogan one in the future. Not a peep from Liara.

During the reception in the hangar, as a joke Joker arranges for the couple's first dance fully expecting Shep to screw it up but for Miranda to save him.

Turns out Shepard is a terrible dancer when he's alone, but when he's leading and supporting Miranda in a Disney waltz he's friggin amazing and the whole room falls silent as the two dance.

At first Liara can't appreciate the nuances because Asari mindmeld and the physicality is a bit baffling. But when Shep suddenly lifts Miranda by the waist and twirls her around causing both of them to laugh like they're in their own little world, it clicks.

While all are entranced, she grows more melancholic. With every brush and every twirl and every look, tiny waves of jealousy and regret wash over Liara at refusing Shep's offer back in ME2 to join the crew.

No-one in your life is with you constantly, No-one is completely on your side, And though I'd move my world to be with him, Still the gap between us is too wide,

Looking back, (Looking back) I could have played it differently, (I could have played it some other way), Learned about the man, Before I fell (I was just a little careless) But I was ever so much younger then, (Maybe, so much younger then) Now at least I know I know him well

Wasn't it good? (Oh so good) Wasn't he fine? (Oh so fine) Isn't it madness, He won't be mine?

The crew had never seen him so happy. In the few hours that she and Oriana have been there the mood aboard just lifts.

During the brief “honeymoon” in his cabin, Shepard desperately pleads with Miranda to stay safe and under the radar. When she asks why he's suddenly being like this, he answers:

“Because I would let the universe burn for you, Miri.”

Before she leaves she redecorates the Captain's Cabin and leaves a pendant with her holophoto in it. He wears it along with his dog tags.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Thirteen: The Collector Base

Heat vents, check.

Save the staff of the Normandy? Check.

Get through the seeker swarms? Check.

Now, using the platforms to get to the central control panel? That was a little more challenging.

After assuring herself that Garrus was fine, she scaled the platform. Looking over all the faces in her charge, minus one-- Jacob had escorted the crew back to the ship.

"A rearguard could hold this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us," Mary spoke from the platform.

Miranda approached first, "pick a team to go with you, Shepard. Everyone else can bunker down here and cover your back."

Mary nodded in her direction.

Unfortunately, one of her team was picked for her. Kai Leng clambered up beside her as she feigned thought over her next pick. Mary already knew who she was taking opposite of Kai Leng. Shepard faltered, trying to pull her gaze away from Kaidan. She would have liked to take him along with her into the belly of the beast. Into the place she feared, but it couldn't be.

"Miranda, with me," Mary barked, drawing a cocked head from Jack.

"Shepard?" Tali called out.

"I know we're all eager to see me do the impossible," Mary grinned, "again."

Tali muttered something outside of her hearing, Thane who was closest to the quarian looked at her curiously. The drell's attention focused on Shepard; thankfully, he was silent. Jack shook her head, reloading her thermal clip as she pivoted to face the door.

"I hope you'll all do me proud," Mary murmured. So much for a moving final speech.

"Be careful, Shepard," came the voice she least expected.

Mary met his amber eyes, "keep everyone safe."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

Shepard tore herself away, jaunting across the platform. Her nerves fired and her stomach threatened to overturn on her. It was far beyond the usual tug on her stomach that motion sickness caused, but terror. Some of her stomach settled as the drugs filtered into her system, removing her need to puke on the platform. The disabled Collector vessel had at least forewarned them of this possibility. It made facing down the first waves of enemies easy to handle, unlike that awkward last trip through the Collector vessel.

"EDI, what can you tell us? What are they doing?" Mary hailed the AI, hoping she had some insight into what the tubing could lead them to.

"The tubes are feeding into some kind of super-structure. It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these reading, it must be massive."

As the mechanical voice spoke, the human skeletal structure loomed above the party.

"Shepard. If my calculations are correct, the super-structure... it is"

"A human Reaper," Mary finished for her, pointing the locust at the structure as if the mosquito bite could take down the mountain. She was too focused on the construction to pay much more mind to EDI's explanation of the monstrosity. Shepard simply knew it needed to be destroyed.

Being quite accustomed to destruction, she fired on the glass tubes, the line of her rapid-fire 'cutting' a ridge down the glass injection tubes on the right side. Calling upon them a wave of Collector forces. Metal plating pulled over the left side, the convenient timing between waves allowing her to repeat the feat on the left side. The abomination fell.

"Shepard to ground team! Status report?"

Jack answered, "Jack here, I'm tagging them as they come, but feel free to call for an exit anytime!"

"Head to the Normandy-- Joker prep the engines. I'll need you to pick up the ground team, don't worry about me. I'll grab the shuttle nearest to my location. Keep her warm, I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky high."

"Roger that, Commander," Joker replied.

Mary pulled on the cylinder in the center of the forward platform, growling at the tech she had no hope in understanding. Luckily these things usually blew up easily enough, but her focus was not on the device... but on the man across from her. She coiled, trained on the veins that pieced together the shattered sword.

"Uh, Commander," Joker interrupted her movement, "I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

Leng's omni-tool sprang to life. Bringing, specifically, TIM's transparent and grid textured knee into the forefront of her vision, "Shepard, you've done the impossible."

Mary grunted, returning her peripheral focus to Leng's position.

"I'm looking at the schematics EDI uploaded. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors, but leave the machinery and technology intact," by the shift of his knee, Tim was trying to draw her attention, "this is our chance, Shepard. They were building a Reaper. That knowledge-- that framework-- could save us."

"They liquified people," Mary spat back, "we have to destroy the base."

"Don't be short-sighted. Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them."

Miranda spoke, quite out of turn to her usual deference, "I'm not so sure. Seeing it firsthand... using anything from this base seems like a betrayal."

Had Mary miscalculated?

"If we ignore this opportunity, that would be a betrayal. They were working directly with the Collectors. Who knows what information is buried there," the hologram began to sound desperate, "look, Shepard, this base is a gift. We can't just destroy it."

"You're ruthless; next thing I know, you'll be making one of these things. I've seen firsthand what you are willing to do to other humans," Mary spoke evenly, "for a group so focused on humans first, you're monsters to your own."

"I've never hidden that I am willing to pay any cost to save human lives. Imagine how many human lives could be saved if we keep this base intact and use its knowledge to thwart the Reapers. Imagine the lives that will be lost if we don't."

"Did you see the reports on the derelict Reaper? Even a dead machine indoctrinated your people," Mary shook her head, "it's not worth it."

"Some would say that what we did to you was too far. I didn't discard you because I knew your value. Don't be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential."

"We'll fight and win without it, I won't let fear compromise who I am."

"Miranda--," the figure pivoted, "do not let Shepard destroy the base!"

"Or what," she returned coldly, "you'll replace me next?"

"I gave you an order, Miranda! Len-"

The hologram flickered away as Mary leaped from her crouch blue energy licking at her body as she charged for Kai Leng. Sending them tumbling over the metallic flooring, the assassin was much more agile, rolling away and finding his feet while Shepard still struggled to find purchase.

"I'm glad we have our chance to fight Shepard," he grinned wickedly, "get up. I want a challenge."

"Jealous of little old me?" Mary grinned, pulling herself onto her feet.

He gave no warning he was going to charge.

Mary banked right, but not fast enough, the blade winding between the curved plating that separated her abdomen from the rest of the chest piece. Leng grinned, pushing her back with the added leverage of the blade buried inches into her core. She slumped forward, grasping his hands over the hilt.

"You don't learn."

Her protected hands didn't fear the shrapnel or sharpness of the blade, with experience, she knew just how much pressure it took to shatter the blade. That his hands also shattered beneath the biotic blast, bonus points. Leng reeled back, flipping away in his ostentatious style to put distance between them. Miranda's pistol trained on him.

"Consider this my resignation," Miranda mused dully as she pulled the trigger.

Leng danced between the bullets, the spent thermal clip plopped on the ground before Mary's tug sent her aim off-kilter.

"Miri, the base."

"Right," she looked over the Commander as she pulled a shard of metal from her armour, "you need to get that looked at."

Mary returned to the console, accepting the device offered to her, "let's move. We've got ten minutes before the reactor overloads and blows this whole station apart."

"You could have made me uphold the barrier."

"I thought about it," Mary rammed the reactor back into the platform, "call it respect, sentimentality."

"Stupidity."

Shepard pushed Miranda into cover seconds before the platform veered forward, "we can compromise on wishful thinking."

"You couldn't have expected to win against both of us!" Miranda screamed over the human-reaper hybrid firing against their cover.

Mary chuckled, rolling over from cover to fire at the Reaper's heart as it charged an attack, "I had good odds, I had a seventy-five percent chance."

"In what outcome?"

Mary simply grinned at her companion as they braced against another barrage, "Come on Miri, even if you had come around on your own, would you expect the others to give you the chance?"

"Comforting," an eye-roll accompanied the answer, "everyone was in on this scheme?"

"Just Tali and Jack," Mary propped the heavily modified missile launcher against the barrier.

"You can't be serious."

The corner of her mouth flickered, "this is only the predinner entertainment."

The heavy weapon clicked, and again Mary tucked them back into cover. For all the good it did as the platforms began to tumble, taking them along with it.

~~~

Mary awoke to Joker's voice buzzing into her ear, "Shepard, don't leave me hanging. Do you copy?"

She couldn't move, trapped beneath a slab of metal. Any attempt to move it ended in her strength wavering, with a third heave and the appearance of black-gloved fingers, the slab moved aside. Mary took the offered hand.

"I'm here, Joker," fuck, speaking hurt, "did the ground team make it?"

"All survivors on board. We're just waiting for you."

Mary glanced behind her, and at the massing clouds of Collector swarms, "get here, on the double mister!" She screeched, pulling Miranda along with her. Mary had the ability to charge across yards in a split second, but it would mean leaving Miranda behind. She couldn't do it.

Funny how a moment of loyalty inspired Mary to protect her enemy.

A blue bubble formed around them, saving precious seconds that allowed them to stay out of reach of the Collector forces, the hum of the approaching Normandy the sweetest symphony Mary had ever heard. Her grip still tight on Miranda's hand she flung the former Cerberus operative toward the Normandy with all her might, her own leap for the ship coming soon after. Already spent she struggled to cling to the lip of the ship's open port. Legs dangling precariously in the open, before she was shifted forward by strong arms.

"Commander!"

"Staff Commander."

Kaidan shot her a half scathing look, the other half was quite bashful.

"We need to talk." Mary and Kaidan stated simultaneously.

"I'm not the only one who thought that was creepy, right? Right, Miranda?"

Miranda shook her head, but the party was halted by something much more pressing as the AI began to count down. Right, the exploding Collector base beneath them. Joker hobbled for the pilot's chair, and Miranda, in a daze, headed for the XO's office, unsure of where else to go.

Mary, who was unwilling to move much further, rested against the side of the decontamination chamber, pulling in the first free breaths of her reborn life. It should feel lighter, she noted with malaise.

"Are you hurt?" Kaidan pressed, folding his arms far above her.

Mary shook her head, and he turned away, "Alenko, wait."

"Shepard," Kaidan gruffed.

The ship rocked beneath the ripple of energy from the exploded Collector homeworld.

"EDI, are we transmitting to anyone," Mary pleaded silently with Kaidan to be patient.

"No," EDI answered, with an inflection of hesitation, "I wanted to give you the chance to speak freely."

Mary sighed gently, "ten minutes, then call everyone to the debriefing room. If that would be safe... and if you don't mind."

"Setting a timer for ten minutes."

The ship went silent.

"That was a joke."

Shepard pressed her eyes shut, unable to fight the smile. It wasn't the time to find amusement in the AI's antics, but she could use the release.

"Shepard," he grumbled crossly, "what's going on?"

"First thing," Mary pressed through the pain, her side radiated in sudden and blinding pain, "your parents are safe. I had them moved."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't be- Thank you, Shepard, really- I," his shoulders drooped, "that's a lot off my mind."

"Don't thank me yet," Mary chuckled darkly, "it had to be convincing. Maybe... don't ever tell them it was my idea, bad first impression."

"You're worried about a first impression?"

Mary opened one eye, "sorry, adrenaline or something," turning her head couldn't hide the blush, "ignore me."

"Ignored and forgotten, Ma'am."

Shepard closed her eyes with the downward motion of her nod, resting the back of her head against the wall. Gritting her teeth against the next but diminishing wave of pain that radiated from her side. The clattering of armor against the metal siding stirred her attention, prying the eye on her left side open again.

Kaidan took her hand, threading his fingers through her fingers.

"I just need a few minutes," Mary murmured, resting her head on his shoulder.

She was so tired.

[felassan]

Highlights and insights from the N7 Day cast & crew reunion panel

[Rewatch link]

In case a text format is better for anyone. There are some NSFW references. Cut for length.

(Some paraphrasing.)

“Some of us are inebriated”

“Patrick Weekes, the killer of man and beasts, the breaker of hearts”

JHale put the whole thing together, it’s the biggest ME cast reunion to date

The cast had no idea that the remaster was a thing

Lots of ace discussion about what the magic of the MET is (“it captured lightning in a bottle”)

Lots of warm fuzzies between the cast, crew and community, and lots of fun behind-the-scenes anecdotes

Lots of great discussion on the diversity and inclusion in ME: on gender, sexuality, representation, empowerment, the core message in the MET that “we’re all in this together or we’re screwed”, the progress made in the portrayal of female characters in gaming, etc. “Everything behind what went into these characters was authentic, we [the VAs] could tell that so much research, texture, authenticity etc had gone into them. It really made a difference”. JHale: “I’ve spent my career kicking down ceilings [barriers and so on women actors experience] with my steel-toed boot. To get to be a part of this game that has now created the expectation that there now be a female PC, ‘duh’, is once of the great things of my life. BioWare listened and put her on the box. The first time someone dropped the box in front of me I held it over my head and screamed over the crowd, ‘Casey Hudson, thank youuu!!’ It was a divine moment. This game was the moment the boot finally crashed through the glass, pushed by millions of women.”

The panel received many messages from the question submission from fans expressing that MET really helped them through very dark places and periods in their lives. The cast have had a lot of interactions with fans over the years where the fans expressed similar sentiments to them

ME was one of the first games Keythe Farley (Thane) acted for that had branching dialogue/dialogue choices, and when he saw the script with that when he went in, he was like “wow”. ME was the second big game D. C. Douglas (Legion) ever did. In his first audition he didn’t know it was for a robot-type character as it was disguised as something else with a military-feel. The second time it was to do a speech/lament at someone’s funeral and he knew it was for a robot. He said playing Legion for him was a case of “wake up, drink some coffee and go to work”

Jack was really special to her VA Courtenay Taylor because she relates to her so much and had a lot of similar emotional problems and personal troubles in her past. Jack helped her become who she has became. The host added that in his interactions with Courtenay over the years, he realized very quickly that she is very much like Jack

AWR has two moms, something which she hasn’t talked about/expressly said publicly before. Talking about recording lines between Sam and Femshep made her tear up. She said that being raised by two moms in the 80s was tough due to societal attitudes at the time, and so to see a loving relationship between two women depicted in a game was a big deal for her. When recording the white picket fence conversation, she was actually crying (“and then I’m crying because of the lesbians”). It was a huge moment for her to represent her moms’ journey. When she went home she told them all about how her character is gay and wants a white picket fence and everything “just like we had”.

When PW was working on Sam’s arc, one of the things they did was show it to one of their colleagues, who is a lesbian, asking what things she’d like to see in an arc like that and what things she felt were missing from it. The white picket fence conversation came from the colleague’s feedback (“we wanna see the nice, healthy, happy domestic stuff”, as it’s often missing in portrayals of wlw relationships)

As the VAs got more into their characters, they sometimes had feedback and input to the process to offer, like “I don’t think she’d say [this] like [that]”. Sometimes they knew their characters even better than the crew did sometimes. JHale waxed lyrical about Caroline Livingstone’s awesome direction, with the host adding that he has interviewed a lot of the VAs over the years and they all talk about Caroline like she’s Gandalf the White coming to the rescue in LotR. AWR expressed that Caroline is really funny (“don’t worry it’s not you, PW was sick when they wrote this line that’s why”) and emotionally in-tune with them and this makes long hard sessions with her a joy

When Mark went into record for the Citadel DLC one day he asked Caroline “wouldn’t be great if Shepard’s clone had been made to be the opposite gender? Then the two Shepards could fight each other!”

William Salyers (Mordin) likes the way Mordin’s story ended and felt that it was wonderful to be able to play that. He feels like the luckiest person because as he wasn’t the original VA of Mordin, he got to come in late to something that was amazing. “Caroline helped me get to where I needed to be emotionally to play that final scene. It was one of the most moving things I’ve ever gotten to do personally for a piece of interactive art”. PW related that with Mordin’s writing, they didn’t realize how much they were asking for. They thought William was amazing doing all the science-speak/technobabble, as they themselves didn’t know what it meant, and then suddenly having to deliver emotional heartbreaking lines. William’s always been a secret science nerd and so he loved that fact about Mordin. “It was a real treat to say your words”

Karin: “I always claim credit for the Scientist Salarian song even though I had nothing to do with it. I opened that door for PW”

Steve Blum (Grunt) found it a real treat playing Grunt as Grunt is a tough soldier on the outside but a [babey] on the inside, while he is more the other way around (softer on the outside, fight-y inside). He isn’t a gamer and so didn’t know what to expect or what he was getting into. There was the big pile of words, they showed him the picture of Grunt, and he just ran with it. “Grunt was kind of a perfect character for me in that respect”. Side note: his wry comments throughout the panel were hilarious

“Casey Hudson, our glorious loving overlord”

Courtenay jokes about “interspecies snorkeling”

The women Courtenay met working on this game are her friends for life. Ali Hillis (Liara) gave her her number the night of the ME3 drop and was like “let’s hang out!!” “JHale is the shit. I go to England and there’s AWR and I have this friend for life”.

“We’re a family”. The host comments that you don’t see this kind of closeness between the people on a lot of projects

Kimberley Brooks (Ashley) thinks things have and are changing for the better in terms of roles for women, and roles for brown and black women. This year she has noticed increasing awareness of inclusion and of where it’s lacking. “The copies I’m being sent for auditions, it’s drastically changing, I’m seeing it change before my eyes. It’s really exciting, there’s more and more roles for me.” “Ash is such a strong character and I felt very badass playing her, it was life-changing”. She’s excited that the remaster is going to be a new way to see these characters that they’ve been so lucky to voice. Kimberley/Ash was the first female character Karin saw in the studio, when she saw her she was like “Wow, she’s so kickass and inspiring”. At this point Karin hadn’t been working at BioWare for all that long, and she wanted to thank Kimberley, because she saw her and heard her voice and had a personal ‘this changes everything’ moment

Raphael Sbarge (Kaidan) finds it very moving how many women were encouraged into gaming due to ME

Raphael: “Everyone here has awesome varied careers, but because ME was so collaborative [and so on], [it was something really rare and special]. Nothing else I’ve done has been so important or impassioned, it has almost a religious experience to it, which you can see from tears in fans’ eyes and tattoos and people talking about it 10 years later”. “I’m so grateful for it.” “Clearly we’re going to do this again next year! :D” D. C. added that it’s going to follow him for the rest of his career. Courtenay says it has catapulted her career

PW talked about how it’s great that the female chars in ME were allowed to have real, realistic flaws and dark periods (as opposed to nonsense stuff like ‘her flaw is that she’s clumsy’)

Having the male and female PC be voiced was a big, expensive commitment for the studio. Karin commented that at the time, it was a risk that the pretty-much almost entirely-male leadership of BioWare at the time decided was important to take, and so she was happy that these were the values her colleagues had

PW was “the junior baby writer on ME1. I’d just gotten to the studio and Mac Walters fell down a flight of stairs and hurt his back, and they pulled me in while he was healing”. Karin: “Mac was very understanding when PW fell on the ice and hurt themselves during ME2.” PW: “My job in ME1 was to come up with conversations between followers to pass the time in the elevator loading times. I was throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick”

Steve turning his volume down before he shouts classic Grunt quotes down the mic

Caroline: “Do you know how many tears were shed in the booth? How many times have we all cried in the booth...” JHale: “We were recording the end of ME3, which I never call the end, because I’m always like I’M HERE! [wink] The goodbye Garrus lines” - these lines got right under her skin and when she went to say her lines she couldn’t speak because she’d burst into tears. “It was all I could do to say those words... and then there was silence... [and Caroline had gotten choked up too].” This was one of the last sessions they did. PW: “John Dombrow wrote Garrus in ME3 and I’m gonna tell him that he got you both to break.”

Caroline was also really teary during Keith David’s (Anderson)’s performance where he tells Shepard she’s like his daughter. This moment was one of JHale’s favorites to act

BioWare came up with a proprietary VA recording system which JHale describes as a secret sauce as-yet not widely-used in the industry

Lots of fun in the line-reading portion at the end. The lines/scenes were sent in by fans. This starts around timestamp 1 hour 50 mins. There’s a break where they discuss more anecdotes after a bit then some line-reading resumes at 1 hour 59 mins 18 secs

"Salarian Vorcha Conrad Verner simmering sexual tension scene”

One of PW’s fondest memories is of ME3 when JHale and Mark got to play off each other (which they naturally didn’t get to do very much), when PW had shoved the entire script of the Blasto movie into random ambience throughout the Citadel. They knew Mark was going to be Blasto as he voiced most of the hanar. PW: “We had to have Blasto’s elcor partner’s hot sister... And I was like could it be JHale?? Because they hardly ever get to talk to each other. It was one of my proudest moments”. Mark: “Not only that, we had a romance.” JHale: “Yeah, it was hot”.

“Think of the poor cold freezing Edmontonian hanar”

PW’s story about Sam’s toothbrush: They wrote it as a throwaway line but AWR did it so well that PW wanted to bring it back in the Citadel DLC, as that DLC was the action-comedy one. So they decided the toothbrush was going to save the Normandy. The art director at the time was in an early playthrough of the scene and in that version of the scene Sam held up her empty hand. The director was like “We gotta make the toothbrush? Really? It’s gonna be thousands of dollars to render the toothbrush.” It then got to the next few lines and the director deadpanned at PW “Okay that’s pretty good, we’ll make the toothbrush.” PW: “Good, I got my toothbrush.”

It was John’s idea that we find out that Mordin had been working on a crime noir novel. There was a period in the development of the Citadel DLC where PW was feeling like “Mordin’s gone, he had his big moment, I want to respect and honor that” and the entire team were like “I think Mordin needs a couple more songs dude”. “Well alright!” By that point William had shown them he could deliver literally any line

“Oh I need a shower that was so steamy hot”

PW got in trouble with Localization over Jack’s “Save some of your energy, we’re gonna do it on the pool table” exchange. Localization were like “Um could you explain what Jack means by this??” These lines were PW’s, Karin as an editor got the question about it and passed it on to PW like “nope this is your fault”. “The best part is it was France that needed PW to explain the joke while apparently Germany were like ‘Yes please confirm that this is regarding the possibility of oral sex-’”

Keythe on voicing Thane: “Thane was a real lesson in opening up to the character, allowing this beautifully conflicted character to exist. Each character in the MET has conflicts within themselves and a tragic flaw that is revealed through the course of conflict.” He also waxed lyrical about how the MET was akin to Star Wars and Citizen Kane, and about the interconnectedness and representation in it

D. C.: “I have a question for you guys. Was it a conscious decision to not have Legion as a romance? Because there are a lot of upset people out there!!” “Voltage problems.” “A lot of creative reuses of ‘There was a hole.’” PW: “It was a process of us figuring out what we wanted to do. If we had known... The number of people who were like ‘I don’t know, are people gonna wanna romance Garrus? Liara? She’s blue and has no hair. Are people gonna be okay with that?” Karin: “We were young and naïve, now we know BioWare fans are thirsty.”

Derek brought in the first picture of Thane to show Caroline and she was like “He’s really hot, that’s gonna be a killer character. People are gonna want to romance that gentleman”

Raphael asked the BioWare team if there’s ever been a point where they thought about doing more DLC content or some kind of revival. “Has that ever come up?” “We’re legally obligated not to say, sorry, we’re going through a tunnel right now, bad reception!!”

D. C.: “Does this country have a soul?” “It does.”

“An N7 Day to remember! Go forth and heal.”

[theoriginalladya]

Old Friends and Dive Bars sounds amazing XD

ROFL That was a name I created on the fly with this list because it was just "Caleb runs into Coats" under my ME2 file! lol HOWEVER, there is something started for it, and though some of it may change (I wrote what I have like eight months ago when I was still figuring things out), here's a bit that you might find... amusing. (When Coats is involved, it's either a pub brawl or something amusing!)

~~~

Every time they dock at the Citadel, Caleb half expects C-Sec to be waiting, or maybe an STG or Spectre team, to escort him off just as fast. But every time, he and his crew are allowed to enter unmolested. After the warning from the Council to remain in the Terminus on his first visit, he can’t hide his surprise. Either they didn't mean it, or they're waiting for a better opportunity. Probably the latter.

They're going to have to work hard for it this visit. They're here with no particular purpose other than a break. No missions requiring his attention. No deliveries to be made. No meetings to attend. Just time away from the Normandy, for himself. An odd occurrence, and one he rather resents since it leaves too much empty time on his hands.

Still, without restriction he can go where he wants, when he wants. Which is why he ends up deep in Zakera Ward late in the day at the equivalent of a dive bar, somewhat like ones he’s been to in past. It’s not Murph’s, and it certainly lacks for Irish flair, but it’ll do. From what he’s able to discern, it sprung up in the aftermath of the Battle of the Citadel, along with a handful of others. The name isn’t familiar to him, and it’s unpronounceable, but the asari who runs it lets him in without question and lets him park in the quiet, back corner.

He orders a bottle of the ‘good stuff’ – not as good as back home, of course – and is about a third of the way through the bottle when the world around him shifts unexpectedly. Two tables over, a turian and two asari laugh, the volume almost obscuring the change, but just beneath it, like the rumble of the lowest bass notes, he catches it. A familiar rumble, the dry rasp of laughter mixed with incredulousness, the bemused snort that only an Englishman can pull off; one particular Englishman.

Caleb freezes, glass halfway between the table and his lips.

“Y’know, mate, never took you for a dive bar kind of person.”

Without glancing up, he waves at the bartender for a second glass as he replies, “Considering you’re the one who introduced me to them, I’m a bit surprised.” A server drops the glass off and leaves. With steady hands, Caleb fills it two-fingers full and nudges it across the table. “Sláinte.”

“Cheers.”

They toss back the liquid, both gasping for air as it burns its way down. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Coats chuckles and settles back into the seat. “Could ask you the same thing, Irish. Last I’d heard, you were dead. Then I caught wind of a rumor… something about, dead but not really.” He shrugs. “On my way out to the colonies, so I thought I’d check out the rumors. Imagine my surprise to find you in here of all places.”

[luckyspacerabbit]

Surpassing a Dream

yet another shrios drabble bc im a :( 

Pairing: Thane Krios/f!Shepard

Rating: G

Words: 1124

Warnings: none

Summary: Thane and Shepard, alongside their pet cat, share a sweet little moment of reflection after the events of ME2 in their beautiful desert apartment.

Ao3

                                              **************************

“Will you be joining me, Siha?” Thane asked, peering over the edge of the couch.

He only received a light laugh in response, Dan Hyun hopping from foot to foot in the kitchen as she entertained the animal at her feet. It was hard to resist smiling when Ba’s paw managed to collide with Dan Hyun’s pink slipper. She always seemed so proud of herself when she succeeded.

“Wait! I’m playing with your child…”

Lying his arm against the back of the pillows, Thane settled in, allowing his cheek to rest upon it as he watched his Siha crouch to coo at Ba. It was hard to believe what time had made of her, the sandpaper scars faded and powerful muscle turned soft. No longer was she the discarded waif she had been on their first meeting. Against all adversity, she’d bloomed through trials of fire, with thick protective vines and velvet soft petals. How ironic that the Usharet that incited their first meeting would be the very thing she resembled now.

But perhaps not. Arashu has been known to have a deep appreciation for romance.

“Thinking again?”

Her words pulled him from his musings and he met her gaze through white fur, Ba’s tail acting as a mask for Dan Hyun’s lower face. The former Commander cradled the cat over her shoulder, purs emanating as Thane chuckled at the sight.

“Imparting my thanks to our great mother for the precious gift of being able to witness your battle with Ba.”

She blushed lightly. “Battle, huh? And who do you think won?”

A small smile spread itself over his face as Dan Hyun scaled the arm of the couch, sliding neatly between his legs. It only took a moment of adjustment before she was curled against him, boxy nose nuzzling into his chest. Ba, displaced from her position, slipped to the side with a mewl, eyes large with betrayal. It seemed she had expected to be the one spooned.

“It was a very close match,” he threaded his fingers through her short hair, the texture as soft as that of a cloud. He wondered how he had gone so many years without knowing the feeling. “In the end, though, it must have been a tie.”

His skin lit with warmth as short fingers caught his chin and cheeks, Dan Hyun’s glowing browns locking him into her atmosphere.

“Tie! Again, jagiya? I’ll just have to improve my footwork next time. You too, Ba!” She looked to their scottish fold, who had made herself comfortable on the adjacent ottoman. “No more lounging in the sun all day like your Pitar.” A sharp toothed yawn was her only reply.

Thane’s chest felt full as he turned his attention back to the woman in his lap, allowing his hands to center on her waist after their journey across her abdomen. His pads pressed into the soft expanse of skin exposed between her tank top and her sweats, soaking the immense heat of her body into his cool scales.

He could feel a shiver run down his back, tickling him with pleasure.

“Siha…” he mumbled, eyelids drooping as his lover trailed a thumb down his cheek. “You have no idea how much I cherish these moments.”

He felt her forehead against his, radiating warmth alongside her chuckle.

“Moments… like sharing our evenings together? I can imagine a little…” his eyes opened enough to catch her swallow as he pulled her closer, joining them by the hips. She let a breath escape her with a shining smile, leaning into his hold.

“I’m so thankful that it was you at the top of those towers,” she whispered, nose wrinkling. “Even though you were ‘using’ me.”

He laughed softly, recalling his snippy battlefield manners.

“I was in need of a distraction…” his gaze trained on hers before he let them drop to her lips. “You offer plenty.”

She flushed beneath her freckles, eyelashes fluttering in emotion. It didn’t matter how long it had been since their early days of romance and courtship, she always reacted as if it were the first.

The feeling inspired Thane to take a full breath, his chest expanding without struggle as Dan Hyun leaned in, the corners of her mouth tilted up. His eyes slid closed when hot breath ghosted over his lips, hands tightening on her pedastled hips.

No dream could have ever come close to capturing the sweetness of her lips.

Its pillowy form caressed his own with compassion, each gift of contact a drop of mercy from the gods above.

With taut muscles he held her in place against him, skin tingling as her fingers curled around his neck and chin, searching for the pleasurable dips and ridges that made Thane shudder in excitement. He caught her bottom lip in his, grazing his teeth as he pulled, Dan Hyun’s soft mewl encouraging him further as she twisted to get even closer, despite his steadfast hands.

The velocity of their rhythm had increased without intention, seconds blurring by where all he saw was her, dark hair stroking his cheeks like they were stoking a flame.

All coming to a crashing halt when a shatter pierced their sanctimonious bubble.

Thane reacted first, breaking away from Dan Hyun to search the room for the source of the noise. What he saw was the quick ringed tail of Ba, disappearing around the corner as her paws pattered towards their bedroom.

“Aish, not again,” Dan Hyun sighed, though her flushed smile betrayed any semblance of annoyance. Her eyes closed with fondness as he pecked her nose, gently removing her from the tangle of their bodies.

“I’ll take care of it.”

She gaped at him from her seat on the couch, hair flying alongside her shining eyes.

“But, we can always clean up later!”

Thane stood while rolling his shoulders, turning back to his angel with a smile. In a flash, he used two fingers to capture her chin, hovering an inch from her lips.

“Be patient, Siha. It won’t take more than a moment.”

He found great amusement and pleasure how she reddened and snorted, batting him away with a mumble.

And as he departed the cushions and protectiveness of their space, a haze of warmth and dreamlike colors trailed after the corners of his vision with pink petaled tints.

Thane knew better, though.

It wasn’t a dream that he was reciting, or conjuring from the far reaches of his mind.

It was his life.

One that he had bled for, mourned the loss of, and restarted several times over.

Yet after it all he stood, in a kitchen, surrounded by broken pieces of ceramic, his partner lounging several feet away, eagerly awaiting his return.

Was there anything more that he could have asked for?

[kaidans-alenko]

Haunted for me2 shenko feels

yall out here trying to kill me with this angst huh?

“You betrayed the Alliance...you betrayed me.” Jane’s eyes shot open and she sat up in bed, her fiery red hair sticking to the back of her neck. Again? She was having that dream again? Why? Her and Kaidan were nothing but friends, that’s all they’ve ever been, best friends even but she couldn’t forget the cold look in his eyes that pierced her to the core or the way she desperately wanted to chase after him, and beg him not to leave. Jane needed him, she’s always needed him.

There was no one who knew her better than he did. Not Anderson, not Liara, not even “Are you okay Shepard?”

Jane whipped her head to the side, expecting...or rather hoping it was Kaidan who had been sleeping next to her but he never called her ‘Shepard’ or ‘Commander’ it was always ‘Jane’ unless they were out on a mission but when they were alone she was just Jane.

“Oh, Garrus…” She didn’t mean to sound disappointed but she was, because he wasn’t Kaidan, she didn’t want Garrus she wanted Kaidan. Even Liara was a distraction from her true feelings, as awful and unfair as that was, it was the truth. She didn’t love them, she cared for them of course, they were her friends but they weren’t him “I’m fine Garrus, thanks.”

The turian reached out to place a comforting hand on her shoulder but she turned away from him, it’s not that she didn’t like being with Garrus, he made her smile but there were moments where she wanted him to be someone else.

“I’m going to go take a shower.” Jane said barely above a whisper as she kicked the covers off and got out of bed, the air in the cabin cold against her sweat soaked skin. She could feel his eyes on her as she walked away, he was probably worried about her, she understood why but there was nothing he could do that would fix it.

As soon as the bathroom door hissed shut behind her she pulled up her omni-tool, scrolling through the camera roll. There weren’t many pictures and half of them were of her and Kaidan, mainly from drunken nights at Flux that Ashley had taken when they weren’t looking. Every morning after they went out she’d wake up hungover and her tool beeping far too loudly and brightly as Ash sent her pictures upon pictures of her and Kaidan.

Jane had saved them all, she wasn’t sure if Kaidan had gotten them too but she liked to think he did, and wondered if he found himself looking at them when he missed her. If he missed her...maybe he had deleted him, they had never dated, he had no reason to hold onto them.

“Huh...a video file?” she quickly turned on the shower to block out some of the noise so Garrus wouldn’t hear and pressed play, it seemed to be a video of them dancing together, Liara didn’t like clubs so she never tagged along but Kaidan was easily bribed with the promise of beer or whiskey and if he had enough in him it was easy to get him on the dance floor.

That was Jane’s favorite part, she wasn’t good and never wore the right shoes for it but half the reason she went was for the dancing and to spend time with Ashley and Kaidan...especially Kaidan.

“You two are the worst dancers I've ever seen!” Ashley jeered from the other side of the camera.

“Cut us some slack,” Kaidan shot back, words a tad slurred “I'm drunk and Jane is trying to keep her balance.”

“I can balance just fine thank you!” Jane argued but one wrong step had her falling onto him.

“You were saying ma’am?” He snarked as he caught her, holding her in his strong arms.

“Shut up, I have weak ankles!”

“So that’s why you’re a marine and not a dancer then?” He teased.

“Yeah it’s your lie skipper, tell it anyway you want.” Ashley said.

“You're both horrible, I'm ordering disciplinary hearings for you immediately!” Her tone was anything but serious as the three of them laughed together.

That’s where the video ended, freeze framing on the image of her in Kaidan’s arms. Jane wiped her eyes furiously, she wished she had picked him from the beginning, maybe he’d be here with her, she could’ve convinced him to stay, if she told him she loved him right then and there would he have joined her? It wouldn’t be right to manipulate him like that...but right now she’d do anything to have him at her side again.

[hustlemeanokay]

So, okay... as I'm playing through ME1 with Andi Shepard and doing all this stuff while following the Kaidan romance track, my memory keeps getting jogged and last night I was thinking about the whole Kaidan thing and about how hard it is to play it out knowing Shepard's going to die at the beginning of the second game. (... Spoilers? It's been 11 years people...) But that got me thinking about how Kaidan acts on Horizon in ME2. And...

Seriously! You say you love this woman, you thought she was fucking dead... and you hear rumors that she's actually not... and you do what? Fuckall nothing? And then you actually see her and... what? I mean I get being all discombobulated by seeing someone you thought was dead but Garrus had it right when he was all "wait... you knew?" And then he's all "you betrayed me." Dude, she fucking died. She died cold and fucking alone in the dark. And you have the fucking balls to come at her with that? I understand game constraints and all of that but Shepard should have had the option to tell Kaidan to fuck right off with that and to tell him how much that shit was so not okay. Meanwhile, Garrus is back there all

Especially when they reunite in ME3 and he pulls that shit on the elevator. And she has to fucking placate his ass. Like, it takes Vega stepping in for Kaidan to fucking believe her? And further in where he fucking straight up says he doesn't believe her, doesn't believe that she's actually her and not some fucking Cerberus puppet. I mean...

Like, okay, I get it. His ideals are super rigid, he's 100% alliance, I understand that. And Cerberus violates all of that. Like, okay - so he didn't try to find her when he heard rumors, she didn't contact him in the whole fucking week she'd been awake. Okay. But when he saw her on Horizon... just... people beg, plead, scream, cry, bargain, would do anything for a another moment with someone they love who has died. For just one more moment, one more hug, one more kiss, one more word. And he got that. He got the completely impossible. And what does he do? He just... craps all over it. I get being shocked and not reacting well, it happens. But it just continues. If you wanted to play it a certain way, there's no fucking wonder she goes to Garrus - if you play it like that. Because Garrus is just there, she shows up, he's like "god damn. there you are." And he's right there. By her side, no questions asked. Nothing. No judgements, nothing. Because it's Shepard. Even if you don't romance him, he's there. Because he loves Shepard, from day one. It doesn't have to be romantic but it is true. Same with Liara. Except, Liara knew all along that Shepard was being rebuilt, seeing as how she gave the body to Cerberus. (Spoilers?) But the point is - between Liara and Garrus, Kaidan reacts shitty. Completely and 100% shitty. I can't remember how Ashley reacts so I can't comment on that. But Kaidan...

I know not everyone is as sensitive as others but Kaidan straight up hurts Shepard on Horizon and continues to do so until like half way through ME3 and then he just expects them to be okay. Like, he expects her to just kinda forget all of that. He holds Cerberus against her. Something that, in the beginning, she had zero control over. That's all she did. That's it. He fucking treated her like crap for about a year. Tried to say she wasn't real, she wasn't her, she was a puppet, she was actually a part of Cerberus, she betrayed the alliance, she betrayed him, she turned her back on everything, and all of that. He continued to not trust her, not believe her, even when she tried to tell him the truth, even when evidence was being presented. It took other people stepping in for him to believe what was being said. That's the kind of shit that sticks with someone. It hurts. And some wounds run deep. And in that letter after Horizon, he straight up says he's dating - which is fine, she was dead - that's fine. But then have Shepard see someone in ME2, while they weren't even together...

... [that line always cracks me up] and Kaidan gets all pissy about it. Says she "cheated". It's like dude, no she did not. He made himself extremely clear. Just because Shepard doesn't react in game, doesn't mean that what he does wouldn't hurt a normal person's feelings. Wouldn't wound the relationship between them. He holds her emotionally hostage and the only way they get back together, again, like I said, is if she placates him. Be nice. If she isn't? Well, no dice.

So yeah... while I do like Kaidan, I don't like that Shepard wasn't given the opportunity to tell him to fuck right off on Horizon. Or to at least reply to his letter with something that expresses her own feelings on the matter. Like I mentioned, she fucking died. And she remembers that shit. Does he even think about that? Does he even mention that. Think about what that's done to her. And while she was being rebuilt, she fucking woke up. She woke the fuck up! Imagine the excruciating pain and confusion. And she remembers that shit. Her mind and body have been through nothing but intense trauma for two years. He mourned, yes. But he started to move on. It was literally impossible for her to do the same. Which is the point of head canons and fan fics, right? To fill in these emotional gaps.

-Yes I know I rambled and repeated myself-

[mercyshepard]

[ME2: Horizon]

'Commander Shepard…'

Mercy's heart faltered. The voice gripped her, filled her mind and body and possessed her entirely. That voice…

'Captain of the Normandy, First Human Spectre…'

As the figure emerged from the shadows Shepard felt an ache deep inside. He was older. A lot older than the two years that had passed. Grief and loneliness had eroded his once boyish gentleness, his brow was lined with concerns, and his eyes were so much darker. Oh God, the sorrow in those eyes…

Kaidan Alenko walked towards her, the same man and yet not the same. With a sad smile he added softly:

'Savior… of the Citadel…'

His gaze met hers. Mercy knew in an instant that it was not the same way he used to look at her. After a few moments of hallowed silence, Kaidan turned away and said to the colonist:

'You're in the presence of a legend, Delan.' Then, accusingly, once more at Shepard: 'And a ghost.'

Delan regarded Kaidan with utter disgust. Shaking his head, he complained: 'All the good people we lost and you get left behind… Figures.' He threw up his arms in exasperation. 'Screw this! I'm done with you Alliance types.'

The colonist stormed off, but no one even noticed his departure. Miranda and Jacob were silent - deathly so. Shepard was frozen. Kaidan began to walk slowly towards her, and with every step she could see a new and conflicting emotion in his tired eyes. He studied her features like a man not believing what he saw. Confusion. Fear. Regret. Mercy felt his pain in the breath of air between them. It was in silence that they shared this breath, their hearts and souls reaching out in some hopeless attempt to communicate. There was uncertainty in his steps. For a moment it seemed that he was going to turn back.

But then he let go of the chaos in which he was lost, closed his eyes to the pain, and simply took her in his arms.

Mercy sank against him, warmth spreading through her cold bones. She felt his cheek against hers, his sigh on her neck. She smelled his sweat intermingled with her own and was overcome with memories. When he spoke, his voice was husky, strained:

'I thought you were dead, Shepard… We all did.'

She squeezed him tightly. Then, reluctantly, they both let go.

'It's been too long, Kaidan,' she whispered as he pulled away. She gave him a soft smile. 'How have you been?'

He shook his head in disbelief. 'Is that all you have to say?' A choke escaped his lungs as he fought back tears. 'You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real.' He took hold of her hands and Mercy watched him struggle as he stared down at them. 'I… I loved you.'

The words were like a dagger in her heart. They had never spoken the true meaning of their feelings for each other. The word "love" had never been risked. Shepard had gone to her death without ever telling him that she loved him, and he had lost her without ever knowing it. As momentous as his words were at this moment, Mercy noticed with deep sorrow that he had said "loved".

'Thinking you were dead tore me apart,' Kaidan hissed, his voice rising. 'How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?!'

Shepard was stunned. 'You're angry?' She could not believe it. 'Kaidan, I didn't fake my death so I could drop off the grid! I was clinically dead!' Hurt and rage pulsed in her blood. 'It took two years for Cerberus to bring me back! I was-'

'You're with Cerberus…' Kaidan immediately let go of her hands. The betrayal in his eyes made her stop mid-sentence. He was stepping back from her, shaking his head, looking at her like she was some kind of monster. 'We heard rumors, but… I never thought…'

'Rumors?' said Miranda, who had previously remained quiet. 'So much for security…'

Kaidan gave her a glance. 'Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies,' he said quietly. 'I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but I had heard the rumours. That you weren't dead…' His sad gaze passed from Miranda to Jacob and then back to Mercy. 'And you were working for the enemy.'

'No,' Shepard told him vehemently. 'Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them!'

'Do you really believe that? Or is that just want Cerberus wants you to think?'

Frustration was igniting into anger. 'The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?' she accused him.

'I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this.' He regarded her with disgust, brow furrowed and lips curling angrily. 'You turned your back on everything we believed in!' he burst out. 'You betrayed the Alliance! You betrayed me…'

'Stop it!' It was almost a plea. 'You need to focus on what's happening now. You saw it yourself - the Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers!' She was losing the battle and the desperation to convince Kaidan was threatening to shatter her strong exterior.

'I wanna believe you, Shepard,' he said. 'But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?'

Miranda snorted behind her. 'Typical Alliance attitude. You're so focused on Cerberus that you're blind to the real threat.'

'You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts,' Mercy told Kaidan urgently. 'You have to listen to reason!'

He touched his fingertips to his temple, the lines of migraine pain drawing at his face. 'You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. Where does reason figure into any of this?' He sighed. 'You've changed.'

'Kaidan…'

'But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be.' With that statement his countenance was renewed, and Kaidan drew himself up proudly. She could see it in his expression now. This was the end. He had made his choice. 'I've gotta report back to the Citadel,' he said. 'They can decide if they believe your story or not.'

Without waiting for her response, Commander Kaidan Alenko turned away and started to walk. Mercy wanted to go after him. She wanted to fight him. She wanted to convince him.

You can't leave like this! There's something you don't know - something I have to tell you. Would it even make any difference now? His faith in her had died the moment she stepped foot on that damned Cerberus station. His love for her was gone. But he had lost more than he knew that day when the Normandy went down. More than he would ever know.

Please turn around, she begged, reaching out to him in wordless prayer. Please, Kaidan… I need you…

He stopped. Perhaps he had heard her silent cries. Shepard held her breath.

Not even allowing himself to look back at her, he said in a quiet voice:

'Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful.'

And when he walked away he took the last piece of her broken heart with him.