#i want weirdos who you can't project onto but cant help but like them in a way cause they feel human

[yellow-yarrow]

I cant relate to any booktok or booktube or whatever content cause I only read about icelandic fishermen and 20th century czech literature

[papakhan]

Lol why would someone even say that. Like... idk im transmasc im personally mortified of the idea of getting pregnant but... its none of my business if another man wants to be pregnant why would there be any judgement there 😭😭😭 plus the post was very funny people need to stop projecting over a sillay little post. Have a good night king the haters dont get it

the thing is I totally understand trans guys being uncomfortable with the concept of (trans) men getting pregnant. In our society its a very gendered concept, it gets fetishised by weirdos online all the time and to a lot of (especially queer) afab people its strongly associated with control and abuse. I totally get it. That was me not so long ago but after a lot of research I became more comfortable with it because I want to have children one day. I shouldn't have to expose this part of myself as a defence against people calling me transphobic when I am literally trans and half the fight for trans people is "my body my choice"

what gets me is that the tumblr fallout community gets in this fucking argument allll the fucking time over whether the fallout universe should be "dark and gritty and ~realistic~" in regards to Everyone being transphobic Or if the wasteland should be some kind of trans haven without the binds of society. I personally lean on the latter and get a lot of comfort out of the idea that the Great Khans specifically are a bastion of trans joy and experience and to them women having dicks and men giving birth is just. normal.

the end goal for trans people should be to de-gender concepts like pregnancy and penis but we're never gonna fucking get anywhere if trans people project their dysphoria onto each other and start self-flagellating themselves whenever someone steps out of line or makes a stupid joke.

And yeah this is an overreaction to someone critising a stupid post of mine but I'm more mad at the wider culture of the fallout community (and tumblr) regarding this topic because like I said shit like this keeps happening. part of my job is about educating people about trans bodies and saying shit like "don't assume who can and can't get pregnant" and trying to help fellow trans people find comfort in a country that's actively trying to get them all murdered. To then log onto tumblr dot com and get called transphobic because I said I love headcanoning Papa as trans and him being able to deflect the Legion's misogyny because of his transness is like a slap to the face. you guys are meant to be the transgender love website what the fuck are you talking about?? Also Saying that I'm enabling transphobia by allowing people who arent trans men to reblog my post is also stupid and for the record most people in my notes right now are either trans people who are genuinely agreeing that Papa is trans or ghost fans who think I'm talking about their band (but are still trans and still agreeing).

sure maybe I should have put a trigger warning on the post or something because it might trigger someone's dyphoria, but just say that. Don't act like I'm the problem and that I'm too stupid to recognise internalised transphobia and calling me "too comfortable with joking about trans bodies" when 1. I wasn't joking About trans bodies and 2. ITS MY FUCKING BODY

My joke was about how Caesar cant handle Papa being trans. it was a joke about how society cant handle trans people who they can't clock. it was also a joke about how Papa comes from a society where transness is so normalised that he wrongfully assumes that its something everyone can do. At no point was I "nasty about trans bodies" like this person claims I was. In fact I think that pretending that I was says more about how they view trans bodies than it does about how I do, That I can mention trans pregnancy and they automatically assume I'm fetishing or being disrespectful.

anyway. that's a lot of shit. thanks for letting me ramble and tucking me into bed so sweetly <3

[topconfessions]

honestly.. thank you so much for the reply you gave to the anon who mentioned Lisa might be trans. I could totally relate. I am a biological woman who developed male secondary sex characteristics while growing up (tall, big hands and feet, flat chest, narrow hips, male patterned body/face hair etc, the whole lot lol) because of hormonal imbalance. I present femininely and as an adult people don't give me shit now most of the time (although it has happened of course) but as a kid I would be made fun of for "looking like a male" and it hurt like hell. when I see people speculating a woman might be trans because she has "broad shoulders" or something like that it makes me feel so self conscious (more than usual, I mean) and makes me wonder if people look at me and think I am trans. like I don't think this comes from a bad place most of the time at this point but like you said it does hurt sometimes because for me it's something I can't help, it's just how my body looks. and it reminds of the times I've been bullied and insulted because of it. so yeah it makes me feel weird when I see this type of speculations. also I felt exactly the same about Nikki tutorials. even though I didn't like her makeup style (way too drag-esque for me) I used to follow her because she was funny and it was nice to see such a successful woman that was also big and tall and thus relatable for me. but after she came out I just felt really strange about it and I ended up unfollowing her. made me feel bad tbh but I couldn't help it. (btw by the way you describe yourself you sound hot ashdjfk drop some pics bestie! j/k of course :D)

EXACTLY. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

Also the trans lisa anon had a point and I still agree with her 200% but its more so cause I feel like I can look in Lisa's face pre debut and now see something that gives that impression.

I do believe deep down there are some trans idols and stars who are keeping it secret. So I hope we keep this on the table and not write it off as well.

Everything you have shared is exactly how I felt growing up. I actually did flat out get called a guy once in highschool when I was going through a horrible deep depression and grief over my father death. I never took care of my apperance, my mom dressed in shit clothing, I couldn't afford stuff to make me look feminine, I had no m7oney, acne the house, didn't know how to wear make up and lived in an area that only sold make up for darker people. I was about to walk into the cafeteria one day when a popular girl pointed directly at me and told her friend I'm a cute guy and I could tell she was about to come and ask me out. It scared the fuck out of me and made me realize I never got respected or looked at by guys I wanted nor did I even get treated like an equal because of how I looked and my whole growth spurt made it worse. And when I did attract guys it was creeps, uglies, weirdos and the guys I would never want to talk to who were trying to prey on the "ugly" girl. Being mixed in an all black low income school where reverse racism (ITS REAL DONT TELL ME IT ISNT BLACK PEOPLE CAN BE HATEFUL TO OTHER RACES TOO!) towards light skin & white passing Biracials existed (was constantly brutally bullied by all the darker skin black kids for being "white" cause back in the day being biracial, white passing, having light skin or light eyes made you an outcast and the kids projected hate for white people or hate their family taught them onto us at the school I went to. I know people don't want to hear this but this is my truth aand this is what I experienced. I cant even share all the horror stories tbh)

It scared me, it made me feel ugly, humiliated, alone, lost in my own identity and like you it did made me feel like everyone thought I was trans or a boy and remember in the 2000s - early 2010s internet and social media wasn't a big thing and cell phone usage was pretty new as a rising thing so times were different back then.

It wasn't until I became friends with outsiders and generally just viewed as okay by everyone then giving myself a makw ovrt towards the end of highschool did people start treating me differently. Same as at my old job. I could only afford to choose to focus on gloing my face up or hair so I always chose face. My Uniform at work didn't do me justice so people assumed I was just decent pretty but an uggo outside of work. I didnt get treated the same as this Nikki Bella looking girl and another Spanish girl who were deemed the pretty feminine girls. It took a massive blow to my self esteem since the job I came from in sales beforehand I was the pretty girl and I got to wear whatever I wanted to work so I was like in a zone where I didn't have these issues for a good period. (Plus I notice I'll develop a crush on a guy and he always has contact with me when I look my worse at these jobs but as soon as I get fabulous or look my best he is fired or gone lmfao.)

Long story short one day I came into work dressed up on my off day and fresh from the hair salon with make up and all cause this was how I dressed outside of work and everyone was floored. They treated me like I was a hot Instagram girl like a huge deal and while it was great for the whole company to turn their heads and shower me with compliments I never felt more humiliated at the same time cause it made me realized "well fuck if I'm being treated this well then did you all Think I was completely ugly before?" It was just a strange experience. Plus I got sexually harassed by someone at work and he wouldn't allow me to go home until I gave my number then I got warned by everyone at work not to do it with him cause he would record the girls he hooked up with there (sex) and they didn't want me to end up fired or hurt.

LOL SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY.

But yes I am very very tall and I never been stick thin in my teen years cause I lived ina. Home where even if it wasn't good food 24/7 I always had a full meal and then some. I wear a size 10 / 10.5 shoe so my feet are big. My hands are bigger than petite girls and I have a big forehead but that has nothing to do with height but my hairline is like around the perimeter instead of growing forward from the top like most people. It's like Rihanna's but its not going forwars? LMFAO

I'll post my photo one day. I always keep a certain photo I show everyone but I gained so much weight in the past 3-4 yeats especially last year but yeah.

I feel your pain sweetie. People really overlook us and don't understand how Tall girls, plus size girls and heavier girls get lost in the shuffle. I also fear I'll get shamed ans get called this phobic or that phobic or anti LGBTQ when that is never the case it's just I want to be me and don't want to be put in a box by society just like they don't want to.

And omg yes I felt the same way about Nikkitutorials. I really loved her and felt I had someone I could relate to like representation although I am not big or plus sized, she looked different and I think she has a condition than makes her head look very large? IDK but yes her make up is very drag but I loved her full cover looks and her rare videos where she would try challenges and do minimal sometimes.

I am happy for her but I felt strange about it too. It all added up and made sense cause tbh she never really shared or talked about legitimate female (or female to male) issues like periods aka menstrual cycles, mood swings, developing, feminine body issuss or just certain things a majority of cis girls would automatically bring up or share. It felt like a reserved girl talk where she wanted to keep a very fem yet general appeal and I thought she was doing it just to accommodate the gays who watch.

This is why although people shit on Jeffree star (he is toxic trash tbh) I like watching him strictly cause he is what you see is what you get and we know he is messy. He doesn't lie about critical things and pass himself as something he isn't. He does a lot and needs to stop feeding mess but I know he is a gender fluid male who is she / them but keeps it kinda open and I did buy some of hos products long ago before I knew about his history and objectively he makes quality make up and I always got compliments from Men and women when I wore his lipstick or eyeshadows although the bold colors aren't really for me. I use the most normal shades in the blood sugar for other things*.

I would have been so okay if she revealed it long ago herself and ask for support. But it felt she only revealed to save her ass and not get exposed. Like getting ahead of it. People hate Jeffree but I can objectively judge him and see if he was in her position if he could pass for a woman he would tell us he was born a man and not hide it.

But yeah. It's demoralizing and hurtful to be called a man constantly when you are a general cis woman and just want to be all things that make you that. This again no way means its negative or a bad thing. I wouldn't call my trans / binary bestie him all the time cause I seen her journey and struggles plus I watched people at our old job be transphobic as fuck and outwardly disrespect her calling her by her male birth name or him / he when she clearly presented herself as "she" but just with very street / edgy clothing.

A mess girl. A whole mess.

* opens fan dramatically like Rich Lux*

Too many people trying to clock it girllll lmfao.

I need to log off.

Anyways I no longer have this issue at least not as often only once in a while. On tinder I've collectively had 11,000 likes / matches as a whole (I always stay with an average 3-4 thousand guys to chose from when I'm on Tinder gold). But the thing is I forgot to mention my height so That might be why my number is so big but I only show pics of my face minus one semi full length photo (I don't have full length photos of myself in general like "normal" people cause Im too fucking tall to take them and I don't ask people to take my pic for me lol)

And in person I am treated okay now.

My height prevents me from getting hit on though and I hate it. I can never personally sympathize or relate to women who complain about cat calling cause I only ever got cat called by losers who tried to pick up scraps the hot guys didn't want although I've had successful men in passing give me compliments and be extra nice to me cause I'm pretty. All in all, Unless I'm dresses reallt sexy or super done up and feminine or in a nice dress Nobody approaches me. It makes me feel funny but it is what it is. I'm ambivert now but truly introverted in the sense that I love being alone and am used to my own company so Its better this way as I'm always just focused on myself anyways.

But if I were to go a bar or something looking hot I wouldn't have that mis gender problem. But it's sad we have to be in certain situations for that to happen. Also for Halloween this is why I'm trying hard to find a feminine or sexy or cute costume and nothing too in between cause I don't want to be mistaken as something else.

My Halloween in 2019 before the pandemic was amazing and i didn't have the issue so I pray this Halloween Will be the same.