#i want to make it clear that throughout all these events since the circle

[tragedia]

Here's a list of fixed narrative points for the timeline of Shiri's life:

9:07 — Shiri is born to a Dalish mother, who had left the clan with her lover to protect them and an ethnically Dalish wanted infamous apostate who was taken to a circle as a child, and is currently on the run.

9:07 - 9:13 — The three of them travel throughout Thedas, changing their locations often and keeping out sight so they can live their life in peace.

9:13 — Shiri's father is contacted by old friends, who were paid to do research in secret, and is offered protection for him and his family.

9:13 - 9:19 — The Madralas move to Antiva City, where Shiri is raised until she turns twelve, while her parents work with other apostates on research.

9:19 — The whole operation turns out to be a bust. The Madralas are betrayed by a jealous friend, who sends templars on their trail. They flee and Shiri's father separates from his wife and child to protect them. While he's taken, they're made to believe he was killed. They're caught in Ferelden and Shiri's mother is killed by templars while trying to protect her daughter. Shiri is twelve when taken to Kinloch Fold. Although her memory is somewhat fragmented at the beginning, Shiri's memory loss during interrogation and after is greatly exaggerated.

9:19 - 9:25 — Shiri receives an education as the Circle's apprentice.

9:25 — Shiri goes through her Harrowing at eighteen years old.

9:25 - 9:30 — Shiri works as an Enchanter for the Circle, jumping at every possible job that allows her to leave the Tower, even if it's just for a day or two.

9:30 — Shiri is chosen as one of the mages present at the Battle of Ostagar. She survives, although not without injury and returns with Wynne back to Kinloch Fold, where events of the Broken Circle unfold. After, she offers to join the Warden willingly, and can be recruited as a companion. If she's not recruited, she's still one of the mages who join the Battle of Denerim.

9:31 — Regardless of the status of recruitment, shortly after the 5th Blight ends, Shiri leaves the Circle for good, destroying her phylactery and becoming an apostate like her father.

9:31 - 9:36 — This time is dependable on the status of recruitment, however Shiri also gets involved with the rebel mages during that time regardless; recruitment just impacts how hands on she is during that time. She's also actively doing research, and this period of time is what grants her a reputation as a bit of a heretic and leads to infamy.

9:36 — Shiri finds out her father is, in fact, alive, but has been turned tranquil. After finding out he's at the Gallows, she promptly leaves for Kirkwall to try and rescue him. She stays to help the mages.

9:37 — Shiri's present for the Kirkwall Rebellion. She helps the escaping mages in any way she can, but doesn't find her father during the events.

9:37 - 9:38 — Shiri finds her father later, who was rescued and taken care of by other escaping mages. By then, her father has been sick for a while and isn't doing so well. She stays to try and cure him of his illness, as well as tranquility, while reaching out towards her old rebel friends, who refuse to spare resources for a tranquil.

9:38 — Her father, despite being tranquil, saves Shiri's life and dies despite her best efforts to stop it.

9:38 - 9:41 — Shiri tries to help innocent mages during the war, but her interaction with leading groups is minimal. The events of this part also depend on her recruitment and relationship with the Origins team.

9:41 — She's not present for the Conclave, but can be contacted and will arrive already in Haven; otherwise she joins the Inquisition on her own when already at Skyhold. However, she's more withdrawn than usual during that time.

9:41 - 9:44 — Events depend on the plotted interactions, however I know she'd do her best to help during the events of the Inquisition. IF high approval with the Warden, she'd still be looking for the cure for the Blight in the meantime.

9:44 - 9:52 — While events of this period of time are up for plotted interactions, Shiri also becomes very interested in her Dalish origins in this period of time. This leads her to the Veil Jumpers. She joins them and remains there until the events of the Veilguard, though this is conditional (based on specific plotting).

9:52 — Would offer to help during the Veilguard.

[mirandasidefics]

But Home is Nowhere- Chapter 9 (Pt1)

Pairing(s): Lucien x Plus Size Reader, Azriel X Plus Size Reader, and Ruhn Danaan x Plus Size Reader

Chapter 9 Pt1 Summary: Reader returns to the townhouse to see that Lucien has gone to the Spring Court. Per Ruhn, he asked him to make sure that Reader is okay. The emotions of the day hit her in an unexpected way. A week later Reader, Lucien, and Mor go to Day Court. It quickly becomes apparent that the Inner Circle likes to meddle. Well, so does the High Lord of the Day Court.

Word Count: 5.4K

Warning(s): Nightmares

A/N: This chapter will be split into two sections, mainly due to the similar themes throughout, but it was becoming a bit of an overload. A very special thank you to @hardcoremarvelfan for her assistance with this chapter start to finish! And thank you to my team of beta readers! You guys are all amazing! There is a lot going on in this chapter, and I promise we are getting closer to actually moving some of the plot forward. But character and relationship development is also important for what I have instore.

Series Masterlist

Previous: Chapter 8

Nyx had fallen asleep rather quickly after the start of your personal one-woman rendition of Frozen 2. After tucking him in and saying your goodbye to Feyre and Elain, you opted to walk on your own back to the town house. You’ve walked along this route a few times and it didn’t pass by any of the pubs, so you didn’t have to worry about possibly running into any drunk males. Even if you did, you had been seen walking along the route with various members of the “Inner Circle'' and even the High Lord himself on more than one occasion. Someone would have to have a death wish to mess with you knowing that you worked directly for the High Lord and Lady. 

The walk was just the thing you needed to help clear your mind of the emotionally taxing day. This morning had started off much differently than where your day had ended. Your good humor from the surprise offering of that apple to Azriel had long since disappeared. As the day went on the positive energy had been slowly drained out of you. Instead, it was replaced with irritation, a hairpin trigger temper, and resurfacing memories you longed to be forgotten. Today felt like the longest day in existence as you slowly trudged back to the town house. 

The cold breeze off the Sidra flitted over your skin, hurrying you along. The day’s events added up and you couldn’t wait to see Lucien to discuss everything that happened. Well, almost everything. You still had a promise to keep to Nesta, even though you were certain that the other females would be telling their mates about your little ability to walk through the Prison wards without issue. Once Cassian knew something, it meant that it wouldn’t be long before Rhysand knew as well. 

In what felt like record time, you found yourself walking up the steps leading to the front door. Your heart sputtered with the thought of not being able to tell Lucien what you had discovered. So far, you shared practically everything with the Autumn Court male. While he didn’t know everything about you or your past, you had made sure to keep him apprised of the inner workings of your mind and any event that happened while he was not directly next to you. That was something the two of you had agreed upon since your fight prior to moving to Velaris. 

The door had been unlocked, which was something that you felt you’d never quite get used to. The interior of the town house was warm, a fire dancing in the parlor’s fireplace. You poked your head into the room expecting to see the near crimson shade of Lucien’s long hair hanging over the armrest of the couch. However, you were instead greeted by the infectious smile and vivid blue eyes of Ruhn. 

“Hey there sweetness,” He called out. You felt your shoulders slump ever so slightly and hesitated on whether to fully enter the room. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be around Ruhn, but all you really wanted to do was talk to Lucien. You needed to decompress with your best friend from this emotional rollercoaster that was today. 

“Hey,” Your voice was softer than you intended. Maybe Lucien was already in your room waiting for you. A book in his lap as he leaned against the headboard of the bed you both practically shared.  

“That’s all I get? A simple ‘Hey’.” Ruhn teased, standing up from the couch. 

“Sorry,” You tried to hide your own smile by pressing your lips into a thin line. “But is Lucien here?

“Ah, about that,” Ruhn took a few steps across the room, and you tried your best not to tense your shoulders again. “He…wanted me to tell you that he was called away. He had to go…check in on those allies in the south.”  

“Oh,” Your chest felt heavy. “Okay.” A part of you couldn’t help but wonder at the truth of the statement. 

“Is there…” He paused, his hand outstretched. Ultimately it came to rest on your shoulder before that violet stare looked you over. You fidgeted in place, picking at your nails. It wasn’t exactly like Lucien not to tell you himself if he was leaving. Sure, he’d left the Night Court without warning before, but he had always left you a note. “Can I help with anything?” 

You met Ruhn’s gaze and hesitated. He and the others from Midgard were perfectly aware of your ongoing issues. They had all been at the Moonstone Palace in those early days. And while Bryce and Hunt would occasionally stay in a room at the House of Wind, Ruhn stayed at the town house full time with you. He knew all too well that the occasional nights away from Lucien still led to difficulty sleeping. But you never asked for any help from him or anyone else before. Lucien was the only one and those nights had just become routine. He was your safe space. Though the guilt had been lessening, you didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair to ask Ruhn to step in, even if you knew he would without question. 

“I should be okay,” You forced a smile to your lips. Taking his hand off your shoulder, you gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Thank you though.” With that you turned and headed up the stairs to your room.

Sure enough, you were greeted by a cold and empty room. Lucien would typically use his magic to light the fire in the small hearth and have it blazing before you fell asleep. Tonight, you would have to go without. You knew how to get one going on your own, but you didn’t have the tools readily available tonight. Closing the curtains, you changed into your night clothes and readied for bed. You prayed that your sleep tonic tonight would be enough to keep the darkness at bay.

Blackness. Deep and penetrating. The surrounding darkness filled your vision. The color was so dense it swallowed any light that dared linger. The dark was followed by a bitter cold that seeped into your bones. Your hands stretched out in front of you, trying to guide you through the depths. The tips of your fingers were numb, giving way to a minor sensation in your palms. What should have felt like frozen air was instead slippery and oily. Something slithered across your forearm. 

You opened your mouth to scream, but no sound came out. Another unknown thing wound up your leg. Still no sound could be heard past your lips. Up and up your thigh the scaly creature traveled. You tried to brush it away, but another wrapped around your wrist, pulling it back. The silence of the space around you was deafening. You kicked against the creature, trying your best to shake it off. You could feel the frozen tears along your cheeks. The creature coiled its way up slowly, a trail of black oil in its wake staining your skin. You pulled at your restrained wrist and continued to kick. Finally breaking free, you began to run. Getting no more than a few feet, your steps slowed. The ground beneath you turned into thick molasses. The sticky and slimy substance reeked of festering meat. Gagging at the stench you pulled your hands up to your mouth, only for the reek to become stronger. Looking down you saw your hands were covered in the same unknown substance. Suddenly your movements stopped altogether. 

The stinking black ooze fully covered your feet and was rapidly rising; filling up the space that you were in. Panic latched itself onto you. With each attempt to free your limbs the world around you seemed to slow. Not that you could see much beyond your own body. The silver glow it emitted was immediately swallowed by the darkness. A deep rumbling caused the light to flicker. 

“No!” You cried, but again the sound died instantly. The ooze continued to rise. The creature from before had wound its way around your waist. Your wrists were bound a second time above your head. You tried to kick again, but the ooze was nearly at your hips. How did it get so high? A bright flash of blue nearly blinded you. 

“No!” You tried to scream a second time. The ooze was now at your neck, and the tears streamed down faster. The creature around you constricted tighter and you felt that deep rumbling at your back. You opened your mouth again to scream, but air was quickly replaced with that reeking oily darkness. You were going to die. 

“(Y/N)! WAKE UP!” Your eyes snapped open. Tears clung to your eyelashes and blurred your vision. You tried to move your arms, but something kept them pinned down at your sides. Taking large gulps of air, you blinked and whipped your head around, desperately trying to find why the blackness had suddenly disappeared. The rushing of your blood pounded against your ears. Slowly, the sound subsided, and the tears dried up. A blast of cold wind snapped along your front. It was a stark contrast to the dull warmth at your back. You turned your head to look behind you. Moonlight drenched panic was visible in Ruhn’s features. Slowly you turned around, his arms never leaving you.

“R-Ruhn?” Your throat burned, hoarse from the screams you let out in your sleep. The male stood before you now, one arm wrapped around your middle while the other cradled your face. His thumb brushed at a tear that slipped down your cheek. You looked around, finally taking in your surroundings. You were on the roof of the town house. The Night Court sky, black speckled in deep blues and purples, twinkled with starlight. A nearly full moon hung low on the western horizon. Ruhn’s thumb continued to stroke along your cheek. The movement allowed you to slowly reorient yourself in your body.   

“How…” You looked back at the male.

“You were sleepwalking,” His touch was so gentle, and his voice held the slightest tremble.

“I’m sorry,” You apologized. Ruhn chuckled.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby,” He pulled you towards his chest. Your feet stumbled as they came off the ledge. The stone of the building felt like ice under your bare feet. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

You nodded along and he guided you back to the roof entrance. You had only been up here a few times, so you were surprised that you found the door on your own. Especially since you had been asleep. Sleepwalking. You had never sleep walked before, and you could feel your body shake with the thought of what would have happened had Ruhn not been in the town house with you. Lost in your thoughts, you didn’t realize that you were already at your bedroom door.

“Did you take your tonic tonight?” Ruhn asked, leading you into the room.

“Yes,” You whispered, staring at your empty bed. The dark sheets were crumpled and half hanging off the side. Almost as if you had been in the fight of your life within the silk fabric.

“Then you’re not sleeping alone,” His tone was resolute. And if you hadn’t been in near shock, you may have fought against him. You watched in silence at the foot of the bed as he tucked the corners of the bottom sheet underneath the mattress. Once it was all set, he motioned for you to climb back in. You complied wordlessly, pulling the blankets back over yourself. He then sat in the armchair next to the bed and spread out the copper throw blanket over his legs.

“Take the rest of your tonic,” He instructed, “I’ll let the others know that you need the morning off.” His smile was gentle, and you genuinely felt safe. You again did as he instructed, and slumber claimed you again as soon as your head hit the pillow.

If you could only use a single word to sum up the Day Court, it was brilliant. The sun itself almost seemed to shine brighter than within the Night Court skies. The air certainly held a warmer quality that wasn’t solely because it was further south on the large island. No, the air almost reminded you of your own home in the fall. Just like the warm breeze flowing across your skin now, you didn’t get the crisp and cool Autumn winds in your hometown. A slight pang of nostalgia flooded through you.

The Autumn based holidays were always important to your family. You made a mental note to ask Lucien when the Autumn Equinox was set to occur. You could then use that as a base to count down the days to Samhain. Maybe this year you could celebrate the Wheel of Year in your own way. If you were going to be stuck here, you may as well continue your personal practice. You had been able to gather that Prythian followed a solar calendar and celebrated many similar holidays to your own Celtic roots. Maybe if everything worked out in your visit with Helion, you’d be able to study some of their holidays and mythology. You always loved reading about that in your own world.

You wondered if the libraries held the same level of grandeur as the High Lord’s palace. The hall that you found yourself walking along with Mor, who had firmly planted herself between you and Lucien, was nothing short of opulent. Large stone columns lined the hall, holding the ceiling aloft. To your best guess it would have been at least 20 feet high. Your eyes darted from pillar to pillar, each filled with various images. It reminded you of the temples and other sacred sites in ancient Egypt.

The hall eventually ended, sectioning off into two open air walkways that surrounded an open courtyard oasis. A large reflection pool with deep teal water took up half of the expansive space. An occasional floating lily pad was the only disruption to the smooth surface. The other half was walled off by a luscious garden. Your eyes lit up at the vivid greens ranging from deep emerald to olive to dusty sage in plants of all sizes. The few flowering plants all held buds and blossoms of a white hue. You could recognize only a scant few on sight. Roses, Calla Lilies, and Magnolia. It was breath-taking to say the least. You would have loved to lounge on one of the cushioned benches that were scattered throughout the area. A good book in one hand and a margarita in the other.

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?” Morrigan walked up to your side. You hadn’t even realized that you had stopped to stare at the beautiful garden. She gently pulled your elbow encouraging you to continue moving. Rubbing the top of your left ear you followed suit. Rhysand requested that Lucien place a glamor on your ears to give them a pointed appearance. Mor gently clasped your wrist and pulled your hand away.

You weren’t entirely sure why Rhysand had insisted that she tag along on this journey. Really, you only needed one babysitter. So, having two seemed a bit overkill. But as much as Rhysand tried to pretend that you were more than just a thorn in his side, you knew that the only reason you even required an entourage was because he didn’t trust you to be alone with anyone outside of the Night Court.

You had nothing against Mor being here, and she was certainly a better option than some of the other members of the Inner Circle. For the most part you got along with her, but you also didn’t spend much time together to be more than cordial in each other’s presence. She often traveled to and from the continent for some reason or other. You weren’t privy to that information, nor did you really care. The internal workings of the Night Court held no real interest of yours.

You just wanted the opportunity to figure out a way home. The sooner you could do that, the sooner you could leave and return to the place where you knew you were wanted. Something deep in your gut told you that the longer you spent in this strange world the more likely you would get caught up in drama or events that frankly you’d rather not have to deal with. You had been perfectly comfortable with your life back home and you were eager to return before too much time had passed. You still had so many things you wished to accomplish.

Your mind was brought out of its wandering when Mor looped her arm with yours. She began to chatter about the marble sculptures that lined the walkway your group had taken on its way to wherever Helion was waiting. The Fae male escorting your group took you down another hallway, this one leading to a veranda. Nervously you reached towards your ear again, but Mor stopped you.

Helion sat on an ornately carved pine chaise with cream upholstery. Before him was a table lined with various meats, cheeses, fruits, and bread. A carafe filled with pale wine was in his hands. He had just finished filling a glass with the liquid when he looked up to see his visitors.

“Ah-ha!” His deep voice reverberated off the white marble walls. “I was beginning to think that you had gotten lost.” The High Lord set down the wine glass and stood. His arms outstretched as Mor’s arm slipped from where it encircled yours. The two embraced like the old friends they were.

Just as his home was an aesthetic vision of whites, so was the High Lord himself. The robe he wore hung from one shoulder and draped across his broad and toned chest, tucking into a golden belt. The rest of the fabric cascaded to the floor. Your eyes roved over his form. His golden-brown skin was perfectly sun-kissed, half of his thick black hair swept and pinned up accentuating his sharp jawline. The male was nothing short of godlike in appearance.

Next to you Lucien cleared his throat, before placing his index finger under your chin and closing your mouth for you.

“What?” You swatted his hand away.

“Really?” He leveled you with a look that was halfway between amused and exasperated. Heat flared on your cheeks. You hadn’t meant to gawk at the High Lord, but honestly no one should have expected any different. You opened your mouth to try and save your pride at having been caught so blatantly when Helion called out to Lucien.

“How are you?” The two males clasped their forearms together in greeting. “I’m thrilled that you were able to make it. I hear you and that brother of yours have been working tirelessly to help maintain…boundaries as of late. Hopefully this isn’t the only break Rhysand has given you?”

“I can safely say that this is a much-welcomed change of pace,” Lucien smiled. “Shall I introduce you to (Y/N)? Rhys and Mor’s cousin from the continent.” You tucked a strand of (h/c) hair behind your ear, a shy smile forming on your lips. You had nearly forgotten the cover story that had been provided to Helion. It struck you as ironic that Rhysand had come up with the idea, especially when he gave no indication of knowing how close to the truth it was.   

“It’s very nice to meet you um…” You still weren’t certain of the best way to address him.

“Helion,” He smiled, and it seemed as if the room brightened along with it. “No need for formalities for such an informal situation wouldn’t you agree?” He took your hand and brought the back of your knuckles to his lips. You nodded in agreement, the ability to speak completely vacating your mind. You felt like a middle schooler again trying to talk to the dashingly handsome teacher. While you had been warned of the High Lord’s flirtatious nature, you didn’t fully realize how dangerous his looks would be on their own. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Lucien’s own mismatched eyes roll.

The High Lord stepped away and returned his attention to Mor, who had made herself comfortable on one of the plush chairs surrounding what was certainly to be your lunch. Lucien playfully poked you in the ribs. Suppressing a giggle, you pushed his hands away only for him to keep one on your waist.

“I’ve had my people prepare two rooms for you,” Helion began. “Per your request Lucien, you and-”

“Only two rooms?” Mor questioned, casually sipping from her wine glass. “Not that I mind sharing a room with my cousin.” Her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. You felt Lucien tense as you continued towards the table. You had been under the impression that you and Lucien would share a room per your routine. Was that not the case? Had the concern of the time you and Lucien spent together spread beyond just Azriel and Nesta?

“Not exactly,” Helion’s smile almost seemed forced. You glanced at Lucien out of the corner of your eye. He appeared just as hesitant and uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going as you.

“So, a third room will be prepared as well then?” She picked a strawberry and brought it to her lips. Your heartrate kicked up. Would you really be forced to sleep by yourself for your short stay here? You had had nightmares all week, even after taking your tonic and Ruhn staying with you as promised. You had your tonic, but you were not prepared to be alone. From the looks on Lucien and Helion’s faces neither had they.

“No, Mor,” Helion stated simply. The High Lord motioned for you and Lucien to take your seats on the small couch. “Lucien and (Y/N) will share a room as I have discussed with him.”

“Even though he’s mated to another female?” You couldn’t suppress the surprise on your features fast enough. “His High Lady’s sister to be exact.” You half expected a satisfied smirk or even feigned concern on Elain’s behalf given her tone, but her expression gave nothing away. It suddenly clicked that this was the reason that Mor was present. She was to run interference between Lucien and you. To keep you separated, regardless of what that meant for you.

Her statement only confirmed your recent anxieties. Those outside of your bedroom believe your friendship with Lucien was crossing into a questionable realm. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Surly Morrigan, whose power was somehow related to seeing the truth, would know that your relationship with Lucien was strictly platonic. Your friendship was the only thing that kept you stable. Did they all really expect you to have completely healed by now?

That must be the case, since it appeared everyone around you believed it was high time that you learned to manage your issues on your own. It didn’t matter that others had been given the time and resources and social support they all ultimately needed to heal. You had been granted time and Lu was your support. So…maybe they were right. Despite Lucien saying that everything was fine, maybe you depended on him too much. And if an effort to separate you was being made, maybe you had inadvertently prevented Elain from seeking out her mate. Maybe-

“It seems that there is a misunderstanding regarding my relationship with (Y/N),” Lucien cut in, his hand finding its way to the small of your back. “I help her with her nightmares, which have recently escalated to include sleepwalking. She nearly-” You looked at him. Did Ruhn tell him about that first night he was away? About how you nearly walked off the rooftop.

“Then maybe we should seek the assistance of Thesan regarding a stronger tonic to help her get the restful sleep she needs,” Mor’s interjection was quick. This discussion had the potential to quickly get out of hand.

“Helion,” Your voice was soft, and again you played with your ear. “Perhaps, if its not too much trouble, a separate room for myself would be best.” The warmth supporting your back vanished as you looked to the High Lord. For a split second you could have sworn that sadness flickered in his eyes. The male held your gaze for a moment, before slowly nodding. Helion called over one of the males that stood by the entrance to the veranda instructing him to advise that a third room would be needed.

“Given the concerns of your sleepwalking,” He looked to Lucien briefly before returning his gaze to you. “I will personally see to it that the appropriate wards are set so that you can rest easy and walk about the room without getting hurt.” Lucien’s hand returned to your lower back as you took a deep breath.

“Thank you.” You dipped your chin in acknowledgement and apology. The remainder of the afternoon passed quickly. The conversation switched to various topics, most of which your brain couldn’t seem to focus on. You answered questions that Helion directed towards you, but you kept your responses short.

When the room was prepared, the High Lord himself showed you the way, setting up the wards as promised. He allowed you to have some time alone before reuniting for dinner. You didn’t have the heart to tell him or any of your companions that all you could manage to do while alone was stare out the doorless entrance to the balcony overlooking the large palace grounds. Instead, you lied, claiming to have taken a nap.

At dinner, Mor insisted on sitting between you and Lucien. Her reasoning was that it would allow you to focus on a conversation with Helion. Again, your focus on the conversation was strained. By the time you returned to your designated room you felt like a zombie just going through the motions. You bathed and changed into a set of night clothes you reserved for warmer weather. Holding one of the four bottles of the sleep tonic that you brought with you, you sat on the foot of the massive bed. You had been so lost in your dissociation that you had yet to take in its splendor. You stared at the bottle, debating on drinking half or the entire thing. Even with the shields in place you didn’t want to risk your body having the energy to physically get up. So, popping the cork you downed the entire contents. Within seconds your vision faded, and the world went black.  

A couple days had passed since you, Lucien, and Morrigan arrived in the Day Court. Throughout that time, Mor had rarely left your side and it was grating on your nerves. You had hoped that you would have the opportunity to talk with Lucien regarding everything that had happened since the day you went to the Prison. Unfortunately, that opportunity was thwarted at every turn. Her presence made you feel on edge.

You had terrible dreams that first night here, the sleeping tonic proving to be of no real use. You wondered if your body was starting to become more tolerant of whatever ingredients went into making it, or if you were being given something else entirely. While insomnia wasn’t new to you, it certainly was much more irritating to deal with when you had no access to the heavy drugs of Western medicine. So, instead of continuing to drink shit that did nothing you decided that you just weren’t going to sleep. By your count, you had foregone sleep for nearly 40 hours now. The longer you stayed in your room, the more the shadows started to play tricks on you. Which is why you found yourself wandering the halls of Helion’s palace just before dawn.

“I do not make my decision lightly Morrigan,” Your body jumped in surprise as Helion’s deep voice rumbled through hall. “Had you not been so preoccupied with your…companion that night, I’m certain that you would have heard her screams. The rest of my estate certainly did.” 

You scurried behind one of the large pillars as their voices grew. You could hear Mor respond, but the words themselves were difficult for your human ears to pick up on. Your face flushed at the realization that he was talking about you. You had screamed yourself hoars in those early morning hours after your first night. Lucien had practically broken down the door to get to you, Helion hot on his heels. As soon as you managed to stop crying you apologized profusely to the pair. Lucien offered to stay with you after that, but you knew that with Mor around it wouldn’t be wise. So begrudgingly he left you to get ready for the day.

“This is not a slight against you,” He reassured the female as they came into view. You pressed yourself as close to the pillar as possible.

“It certainly feels as such since you are asking only me to leave,” She quipped. “Helion, what am I supposed to tell my cousin when I return alone?”

“If you must give him an answer then tell Rhysand this,” Helion smiled at Morrigan. “I cannot come to trust her when she does not feel comfortable around certain members of his court.” The pair halted, stopping before an insanely large looking glass.

“Let me talk to her without his ever-watchful eyes and ears,” You watched as Helion set his hand on her shoulder. “That means take the Shadowsinger back with you.” His final sentence was delivered with a coldness you had not anticipated hearing.

It took a few seconds for your brain to process what he said. Azriel was also here and lurking around. Your eyes did not play any tricks on you last night after all. Those were Azriel’s shadows peeking out behind the curtains of your room. From the reflection in the hallway mirror, you saw Mor’s eyes widen slightly before that perfected Night Court façade slipped in place. 

“Lucien and Azriel can return-”

“Lucien is the only one she is comfortable with; therefore, he will remain here in his emissary capacity,” A shiver shot down your spine at the level of authority held within the High Lord of 

Day’s voice. “I’m not trying to steal (Y/N) away after all.”

“But he’s mated-”

“And has that bond been accepted?” He challenged. “He’s a grown male and she’s a grown woman. They do not need your nor Rhysand’s interference in their lives and how they wish to live them.” You wished that you were able to see the look on Helion’s face. He didn’t even know you and yet he was fighting with Mor, someone he knew well, on your behalf.

“You saw through her glamor,” Mor kept her air of indifference.

“No,” Helion laughed. “She keeps touching the tops of her ears. I don’t know of any High Fae that touch their ears the way she has been. I merely guessed at her being human, so thank you for the confirmation.” So much for your disguise. It wasn’t your fault that the magic felt like the top of your ears had lost circulation. That pins and needles sensation was unsettling.

“It is interesting to watch them though, is it not? How when in the same space they are so unconsciously aware of each other. One shifts as the other does.” His deep voice sounded further away, as if he was remembering something.

“Then you understand the concern,” Mor pressed.

“I do not,” Helion resumed their walk. “Those in the Night Court have been blessed with finding their mates and happiness of being with them. While many place these bonds above all else, you and I both know from personal experience that finding your mate doesn’t guarantee a happy life.” Mor sighed as she followed him.

“You’re right,” She linked her arm through his. “They do have a unique relationship that the others don’t want to acknowledge.” The two walked in silence for a while, their voices growing soft in the distance.

“Has his mate made any comment?” You could barely make out his last question, and you couldn’t even hear Mor’s response. Their conversation sent your mind reeling. So many questions swarmed to the surface. Had your friendship with Lucien really crossed some unknown social taboo? If that was the case, then you certainly had a lot to think about.

Next: Chapter 9 Part 2-Coming Soon

General TAG List: @loving-and-dreaming

BHIN TAG LIST: @jenniferpendragon @impossibelle @sweet-chai-amore @myheartfollower @iimichie @fightmedraco @nikkitch0703 @eerievixen @ang-taylorsversion @randomness-it-is @thehighlordishere @rachelnicolee @hardcoremarvelfan @awkardnerd @sundayysunshine @jpgtae @cheneyq

Crossed out names wouldn't let me tag you, or tag the correct blog.

[bzhitstruth]

About hints and patterns

Throughout the history of GGDD, we have noticed that they sometimes act as messenger birds for each other - one hints at some event, and then it happens to other. This is a direct hint.

But there is another type of hints - when the event that one of them hints at has already happened before, but we don’t know about it yet and don't understand this hint. But then the other person tells us about this event, and only then does it become clear to us that the hint has already been made. If we don't consider this a coincidence, then we will have to admit that such information could have been known to another person only through personal communication, because it was not publicly known about it.

I want to recall a few examples of such cases, they occurred over a not very long period of time - less than a year.

All this is fake, CPN and empty thoughts. Clownery. 🤡

DD's “Water show” — GG's vlog

On July 10, 2023, the event was held in Beijing dedicated to the premiere of One and only. DD participated in it, he danced and splashed water on the audience. While dansing DD made a couple of gestures that the turtles paid attention to - the “figure eight” and the famous “chongya” gesture. Everyone, of course, remembered the meaning of these gestures and was glad that DD made them. But then it turned out that he did them for a reason.

On July 11, GG’s vlog was released, and suddenly both of these gestures appeared in this vlog. Can this be considered two coincidences that occurred within 24 hours?

No one, of course, knew in advance what would be in GG’s vlog, the vlog was filmed a long time ago, but it turns out that DD knew this the day before the vlog was released.

Leica

October 3, 2023 DD, while in Paris, shows off his Leica camera. The turtles remembered that once upon a time GG also had Leica, and assumed that DD probably received the gift from GG.

But the next time a shocking surprise awaits us - at midnight from October 4 to 5, the congratulation to GG appears on his birthday and GG's photos with Leica, and even the camera model is similar. GG’s photos were taken back in the summer, and DD told us that “GG will appear with Leica tomorrow.” In this case, the version of coincidence seems quite weak.

"Do everything for your love"

On November 8, 2023, a new DD endorsement (YaYa) was released. A post appears on the brand’s Weibo account, the text of which contains words spoken about DD: “��为热爱全力以赴” (“he does everything for love”).

On November 9, NARS live stream with GG is released, at the end of which GG gives the wish speech, including saying: “希望大家为自己热爱全力以赴” (“I hope everyone will do everything for their love”).

As you can see, he uses the same phrase almost verbatim. It is not known what of this happened first - the stream was recorded or the advertising text was agreed upon, but if this accordance was intentional, then it was possible to find out the details only through personal communication. It could be a coincidence, but after a few months the following happens:

GG's vlog - Anta advertising

On March 1, 2024, XZS posts Milan vlog, where the viewer is offered the concept of a circle and round objects, the idea of the cycle of life or another interpretation. The image of the moon also runs throughout the vlog.

On March 2, the advertisement for Anta is released, in the video we see a suspiciously similar concept - a round basketball that flashes throughout the entire video and (suddenly!) turns into the moon above building, and the drawing of a lace that resembles the stylized name “border” in GG's vlog. There are even sunset. Even the text for the post uses the same words 边界 (“border”) - 去探索，多元未知的边界 "Go explore diverse and unknown borders” (full video is here).

I don't know what the brand had in mind, unless consider it pure coincidence, but they certainly couldn't make an ad copying GG's vlog concept overnight! Of course, it was known about the “border” and the stylization of the name since the GG's October vlog, but a circle, a setting sun, a ball that turns into the moon? Next day. How?

The Coin

And now, this coin. Five days passed between GG's vlog and the release of Chang Feng Po Lang trailer, but the consistent appearance of the coin that is the "protagonist" of the vlog and the coin that DD rubs his cheek with in the trailer is amazing. If you pay attention, even the sizes of these coins are the same.

I don’t think that the image of the coin in the vlog was subordinated only to the idea of hinting at the imminent release of the series with DD, probably the idea is much deeper, but what do we know about GG’s creative thinking and about his ability to convey a message very subtly?

All this could be considered coincidences if this didn't happen so often and according to the same pattern: event - hint – explanation. I’m sure I haven’t listed everything and there is more, this is just what I noticed.

Perhaps this is one of the things that keeps us firmly in this "rabbit hole" - their connection, which sometimes manifests itself in unexpected ways, their ingenuity to show this connection. I would compare them to the ocean, which always seems to remain the same, but which you never get tired of looking at.

💚❤️.

[enlitment]

Top 5 favorite historical events 👀

Oo, good one! Thanks for the ask ✨

1. The Ides of March

Apart from being a beloved Tumblr holiday, I just find the whole event so interesting! Few times in history have had such a lasting cultural impact (hello, statue of Brutus at the National Convention!).

Plus it's so wonderfully morally grey, which you can see from the different perception of Brutus throughout history (burning in lowest circle of Dante's hell vs. being hailed as a hero by the French revolutionaries).

Was it the right thing to do? It was an act of extreme violence, and the republic was arguably beyond saving anyway, as became clear later. Does it mean it was the wrong thing to do though? I'm definitely not qualified to answer that. But it is an interesting question to think about, which makes this event one of my favourites.

(Plus the whole thing kind of reads like an ancient tragedy, since it could be read as Brutus (& co) killing someone who was essentially a father figure to him, but also was widely known to have slept with his mother. Hamlet who?)

2. Camille rallying the crowds at Palais Royal

I'm a sucker for a good epic moment, and this is certainly one of them. Camille leaping on the table and overcoming his stutter to address the crowd of dissatisfied Parisians, inspiring them to take action? Yes please!

(not to mention that any event that demonstrates the power that words can have is going to be automatically interesting in my book.)

3. The Servilia Letter Affair

Situated during the late Roman Republic after the Catiline conspiracy, it's another hilarious evidence of the fact that poor Cato the Younger simply couldn't catch a break.

For those uninitiated: as Cato and Caesar were arguing about what kind of punishment is appropriate for the conspirators wanting to overthrow the consul, a mysterious letter was delivered to Caesar, right in the senate. Cato suspected that there was something foul going on, something that could potentially link Caesar - Cato's oponent - to the conspiracy that was just being discussed. He therefore seized the letter from Caesar and insisted he will read its contents out loud, in front of everyone. Doesn't sound all that unreasonable, right? ...except the document in question just happened to be a steamy, in Plutarch's words "unchaste" love-letter to Caesar, written by none other than Cato's own half-sister, Servilia.* Yikes. Cato apparently proceeded to then throw the letter back to Caesar, saying: "Take it, thou sot." Iconic.

* who was also Brutus' mother. See, it's all connected!

4. Publishing of the Éncyclopedie

I just love studying the Age of Enlightenment as a whole, but I think the Éncyclopedie is perhaps the best embodiment of all of the things the era was about. I like learning about the Éncyclopedistes - their petty personal dramas are fun to read about, but I also like the fact that what fuelled the project was a (mostly) genuine desire to educate people and make human knowledge more readily available to the masses.

Also look what I came across while in Verona!! ->

5. Women's March on Versailles

A great reminder that women can be a strong political force and that their place in history should not be overlooked! Though it was not necessarily a women-only event, it clearly shows just how much of a significant role women (and working class people in general) played in the French Revolution.

[letterstoear]

A picnic for two!

Notes: Sebek x gn reader, fluff, a letter invitation to a picnic?

Don't forget you too can get your own personal letter here:

Shop — Letters to Ear (squarespace.com)

With the sun illuminating underneath, Sebek nervously reached over towards you. In his hands was a slightly crumpled piece of paper. On closer notice it appeared to be a letter, perhaps a handwritten letter.

As Sebek waited for you to take his letter his mind wandered off into circles. Just what made him so nervous. Never before did he feel so shaken with a clear mixture of fear, anxiety, but also excitement. Alas, you ripped open the letter and in no time, you had a clear response.

Read Sebek’s letter below:

Greetings ______,

Do you recall how you mentioned something about experiencing picnics together? Well, within the past weeks I researched carefully on hosting a perfect picnic date. For a change of scenery, I have planned our date to be underneath the apple trees. Their white blossoms will match you perfectly, if we’re lucky we may get a light breeze too. Although I regretfully cannot pick any better place than the back of the school.

As far as lunch goes, matching our tastes to create the perfect menu was no problem. The sides, sandwiches, and even dessert have been made with ease, is what I wish to say. You told me to be honest when it came to my struggles, right? Cooking didn’t seem all that hard, but I was wrong. Working with great effort to craft the perfect menu didn’t seem to be the solution. Truth be told, I received help from Clover for our date. Clover was the only person I could turn to, since Silver fell asleep during each turn.

Now for activities, I found some light activity for the two of us. How does a little bit of hiking, badminton, or even frisbee sound? If there’s anything you would like to do, please let me know. I wouldn’t want to discover we missed out on doing something you wanted.

The Young Master advised me on making room for two when it came to date plans. It’s important to credit him on this! After all, Malleus took his time to hand out advice to me for our future date. He brought up another important point too, this date isn’t the last of its kind.

There’s going to be plenty of picnic dates to come in the future. If this one in particular doesn’t go exactly to plan I need to face such a reality. Lilia told me it wasn’t good if I freak out about the small details. Dates are meant to be fun even if anything could change due to the flick of the wind. To know when to follow such unexpected events is equally important, I must practice Lilia’s teaching. ______, you should too, please TAKE THIS KNOWLEDGE TO HEART.

_______, what I’m trying my best to say is as much as I would love to know our date is perfect, it's not what I need. At the end of the day, all I need is that feeling in my chest when I look at you. A feeling which makes all my fatigue disappear at the sight of you. I really care for Young Master, Lilia, and even Silver, but nothing compares to you. So long as you feel happy throughout our picnic is enough for me. I think I love you. No, I do love you.

I LOVE YOU. No longer are the days of I like you, I believe this is love. Ahem, I do apologize if this is a little too much for you to handle.

_______, I would like to properly confess my feelings towards you. May I ask for you to accompany me this upcoming weekend for a picnic date with me? If so, please keep that day open for me ______.

With much hope,

Sebek Zigvolt

[halliescomut]

I defended Lom, but now I shall talk about Nuea

So...a lot of this is going to be a bit rant-y, because honestly there's some reactions that have been going on that really aggravate me. But I wanted to talk more about Nuea as a character in the show, and how I think he's being presented. You hear (for reasons unknown) a lot of discussion over how Lom is almost tricking Nuea by withholding the fact that his arrangement and marriage to Yiwa is in name only. I have so many problems with this read on the situation. While it is VERY common for BLs to use naivety as a trope, it's actually surprisingly rare to see from Mame. It's not one of her go-to's and so I was actually really surprised at how many people saw Nuea as 'innocent' (read virginal) or naive. We saw a similar reaction with Sky, this idea that he's an innocent little lamb, and I kind of figured that was because that's what Rain was. Rain was clearly modeled to be this sort of ingénue-style character, young, wide-eyed, innocent to an extent, but also experimental, not constrained by societal boundaries. But what the first encounter with Prapai showed was that he was not only not innocent, but experienced. Now granted many of his experiences were likely awful and traumatic, but Gun likely didn't got straight from 1 to 100, abusers rarely do, but there's also no clarity at all on whether Sky had any other intimate partners of his own choosing, whether a relationship or just another one-night stand. But circling back to my actual point, I think there are many viewers for which LITA was their first experience with Mame, and they believe Rain to be the blueprint for her 'bottoms' when in reality he's an outlier.

How this affects the perception of Nuea, is that since he is shown to be a fairly quiet, sensitive, kind person, some viewers began making assumptions. They assume that he's not physically experienced, that he's submissive, or even shy, and that's not really the case. We don't see much to indicate that at all in the show. He's very vocal for a lot of the show. He expresses his concerns to his boss freely, without concern for reprisal, and this certainly due at least in part to the type of boss she is, but even if she were some angry, obstinate crone, I doubt that would have stopped him. He's very vocal and honest in his conversations with Lom all through the series. He doesn't put up with any of Lom's rich/privileged BS. His kindness and empathy throughout is more a show of strength than anything. He's able to pretty easily get the results he wants without being rude, or mean. Even in his frustration with Lom, he's not vicious, but exasperated, reacting to Lom's childishness more like an exhausted nanny than anything else.

Nuea is confident, like really confident. He's confident in his abilities and skill at work. He's a confident gay man, he doesn't shy away from sex. His hesitation in regards to sleeping with Lom initially is based only on his knowledge of the likely fall-out (especially emotionally). Once we get to this most recent episode it's very clear that he has no hesitation in being an active and passionate partner.

I'm willing to bet after the absolute boss way that he shut down that shitty orchard customer, that we may see his confidence make an appearance next week in regards to Lom and Yiwa's mothers acting like petulant toddlers.

I think it's also important to remember that while he is younger than Lom (his actor is actually younger than ALL of the LITA boys), he's not actually all that young. While ages and timelines are pretty vague in the Mame-verse, Prapai should be about 30 in the Wedding Plan, and Lom is meant to have been his junior while they were getting their Masters, so he's probably 27-ish. Nuea, having attended university and worked as an event planner for several years is probably 25. He's not a child, and their age difference is practically negligible. Again, I feel this is an assumption based on the idea that LITA is the norm, when it's very much not. All of Mame's other main couples (in shows) have either been the same age, or with in a year or two of each other.

So while Lom may have some power/privilege over Nuea, it's very much situational and based on him being 'employed' by him, which is something that we as the audience know he could change if he really wanted to. We see that P'Im is more than willing to go to bat for her employees, Lom wouldn't be able to pull a Karen and get him fired, or forced to work with him. And while Lom is rich, Nuea's family has a generational business and owns a large amount of property. It's not the same level of rich by any means, Lom essentially has fuck you money, but it's still not like Nuea would be without resources and support if he chose to quit his job or leave Bangkok.

Also, the fact that he gets upset or cries over Lom, doesn't make him 'weak.' I've not heard anyone say that directly, but it's been implied. It's not weak for a man to be able to recognize and express his emotions. That's toxic masculinity bullshit, and we certainly don't want to be putting that pressure on characters that are actively defying it.

I guess in conclusion, my point is that Nuea is a bad-ass, the best kind of bad-ass even, one with a kind heart, and that he's more than capable of standing up for himself both in general and with Lom.

As a final note, what I realized watching episode 3 is that Lom 10000% has a competency kink, and further watching of the show only confirms that. He first encounters Nuea while he works at Pai's wedding and immediately begins lusting. The wedding suit try-ons where he looks at Nuea after learning he took pictures of each choice so that you don't have to try something on over and over again. He gets riled up watching him do the event where Payu proposes. He falls even harder watching Nuea put the creep in his place. Like...he just loves watching his man get shit done, and I respect (and understand) that.

[raayllum]

so i deleted my poll & here's why bc it is both. sad, strange, and a little hilarious. for TLDR, skip all the way to the end

this is what it was gearing towards as of this afternoon & this is why it got weird.

for clarification, the poll was meant to investigate, because i was curious, how many people i had potentially influenced in my writing(s) about callum analysis wise. i actually expected option 2 to be the most common (aka that people already saw him that way) since that's what i've found in my circles; most of the other rayllum writers and shippers i've spoken to reached those conclusions themselves after S2 or S3, if not earlier. so option 1 being the most popular was the first big surprise, as was as many people picking "want to see the results"

here's where things go from surprising to weird. earlier this afternoon, the poll was sitting around 120-ish people and had been in that vein for most of the week since it was published, climbing maybe a few votes every day after the initial boom in a variety of the categories the first like day and a half.

then, steadily, over the course of 5-10 minutes, anywhere from 5 to 15 fresh votes flooded in... all to the same category of "nah i don't see him that way." which wasn't That strange, except

the fandom troll, who is notoriously obnoxiously loud about Not liking this interpretation of callum, also has a tendency of making sock blogs and sending anonymous asks to bait you over and over again, no matter how many times you block them. for Years.

then the number continued to steadily climb solely in that singular category, doubling and then tripling. now, i'm not going to say there couldn't be *check statistics* 50 people who don't see callum as being willing to sacrifice the world for his loved ones/help aaravos if rayla or ezran's lines were quit literally being held at knifepoint, But

When the poll started, I acknowledged the bias the poll would likely be prone to, as my followers - by virtue of following me and seeing and presumably agreeing with what I post - would probably skew in favour of the interpretation, and this was reflected in 6/7 days of the poll's backing, with 60-78% (roughly 70-80 people) of participants leaning towards a shared interpretation. "Nah I don't see him that way" also rose steadily in terms of votes throughout the week day by day, but never cleared more than 8-10 individual people (you're troopers, I respect you, and I hope having the "snake boi Callum" tag makes it easier for you to blacklist accordingly so that you can enjoy your fandom experience)

The Snake Boi Callum interpretation is popular enough in fandom that we actually had a fandom event for it a few months back, plenty of people participated who I felt I wasn't familiar with as well as people I knew I would, and the pieces of art/fic/playlists regularly got 50-150 notes. If there are 50+ people who disagree with said interpretation, they are, generally speaking, not a group who's often actually making things for the fandom at large in terms of fic, fanart, other forms of creation, and not a ton of meta weekly or monthly about the topic and/or outside of that general wheelhouse, either. The 'pro' side is conversely a lot more active; most of the people who have written fic about said topic(s) aren't even me, but other cool lovely talented individuals over the past 3-ish years

The initial wave of votes happened when I posted the poll in the "snake boi Callum," "Rayllum," "tdp," and "the dragon prince" tags to reach a broader audience beyond my more immediate active follower range (as like, 90% of my followers are lurkers, which - respect). This is when it would've made sense if there was going to be an uptick in "nah I don't see him that way" to build

Instead, it happened 6 days into the poll when it was already decently buried by tags, I had recently self-reblogged it back into my accordingly biased circles, and rather than having a general variety, only a singular category went up by close to 40 people in like 3 hours. I tend to gain anywhere from 6-10 followers a week (for example, this week was 6) so that also does not account for the massive leap in a very short amount of time

Therefore, keeping to roughly 125 votes for posterity, and when removing the originally 30-ish or so people who voted for "see results" (significantly less than the first category, but more than the second by a decent margin) as well as the real 10 votes for "nah, I don't see him that way," approximately 85 people voted explicitly in favour of Snake Boi Callum / one of the first two options in general, with my meta being cited as the biggest influence. This is also with me rounding up the numbers of the other categories to likely more than they were, but I want to account for the potential error of my memory, as I wasn't keeping track of where things were super specifically before it started to smell like meddling.

Again, it's not that there couldn't be 50 people with that opinion, it's just that 40 of them, Realistically, did not suddenly come out of the woodwork in the span of 1-2 hours to consecutively vote in only one (1) category 6 days after that would've actually, marginally, made sense in terms of tagging / seeing it in the main tags.

If you're wondering why I presented all my ~ evidence ~ it's because if not, I'd probably be labelled as a liar and/or dismissed (it's happened before, unfortunately) and honestly, it ended up being a little funny to dig into how presumably nuts this got.

TLDR;

Anyway if you ever feel like you're deeply insecure and worried that you're idiotically clout chasing, remember you will never be as Embarrassing as the guy who made close to 39 sock blogs in one afternoon to try and 'one up' someone over an opinion they have regarding a children's tv show protagonist who's believed biggest flaw is that he Loves His Friends.

better poll that cannot be screwed with will follow

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

[CN] Victor’s Sea-circle Event (Chapter 5)

⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for content yet to be released on the global server! ⌚

✧ mum’s smile || little gentleman || art and love || mum’s companionship || endearing thoughts

【Endearing Thoughts】

By the tenth day of the study tour, children from different classes have already formed close bonds with each other. Even during the downtime of waiting for the bus, they would spiritedly chase each other and engage in playful activities. At an age when children naturally love to play, under the precondition of safety, teachers and parents allow them to freely engage in activities.

Among these lively figures, there is one small figure who appears quieter than the rest, making him stand out as particularly unique. The boy’s back is straight as a ramrod, and his shirt is neatly tucked in. His demeanor is calm and composed, resembling a little adult, without any signs of constraint. He always stands by his mum’s side throughout, not displaying any traces of impatience despite the bus being late.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Vic, why don’t you come and play with KeKe and the others too?”

A parent smilingly calls out to the boy.

Upon hearing this, the boy’s mum lowers her head and strokes his hair, 

“Vic-Vic, go play with them. I’ll call you when the bus comes.”

The boy shakes his head, not saying anything to explain his refusal.

Seeing this, the enthusiastic parent walks up to the mother and son, striking up a friendly conversation with the boy’s mum.

“Out of all these children, Vic is the most obedient. He didn’t stir up any mischief throughout the journey, unlike our little tyrant who almost tore off the ceiling of the plane…”

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

The boy’s mum smiles along with the other parent, looking at her son with a gaze filled with pride. But there appears to be an additional layer of emotions mixed in her gaze, resembling the feelings of regret and being ridden with guilt,

“He has indeed never caused me any worries since childhood.”

“But, it’s important to let him play more often. Children should be livelier and more adorable when they are young, so they can better integrate into society as they grow up. It’s not good to be too introverted. We, parents, can’t be by their side forever, can we?”

The boy’s mum smiles but doesn’t say anything, slowly lowering her eyelashes as if lost in deep thought. The boy lifts his head, and his mother’s silent demeanor is reflected in his clear eyes. After a while, he suddenly speaks.

“Mum, I want to go and play with my classmates.”

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

The boy’s mum is taken aback for a moment, then she nudges the tip of his nose,

“Go ahead.”

As she watches the boy quickly join the children in play, faint dimples form on her cheeks.

“He... actually isn’t introverted.”

“He is very sensible and has his own ideas about things.”

The bus finally arrives after a ten-minute delay.

Today’s itinerary is quite relaxed. In the morning, they visit an art university, and at noon, they will have a group meal at a restaurant booked by the school.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

The bright-hued family restaurant has been decorated with the utmost care, with colorful balloons and beautiful embellishments adorning every corner. The children cheerfully shuttle through the restaurant, but soon the teacher requests everyone to take their seats. 

“While we wait for the meal, the teachers have prepared a little art knowledge quiz for everyone! There are prizes for this competition~ Let the teacher reveal what the prizes are! The third prize is…”

The children clamor with excitement, enthusiastically raising their hands to sign up.

But the little grown-up boy shows no interest, because he is very hungry now and just wants to have lunch as soon as possible.

“And now, I’m thrilled to reveal the most exciting grand prize, which is–– tickets to a music concert by the celebrated French symphony orchestra!”

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

“The tickets to this concert are very difficult to get.”

The boy’s mum suddenly exclaims in a soft voice.

The boy gazes at his mum’s glowing eyes. His little head seems to be in deep thought, and then he lifts his hand.

“I want to participate too.”

The contest wraps up swiftly.

All the questions were related to the knowledge points that the teachers had explained during the study tour, so the boy found them very simple. 

The teacher places a beautiful flower garland around the boy’s neck and puts a small crown with “No.1” written on it on his head. The boy politely expresses his thanks and solemnly accepts two tickets from the teacher. He then returns to his seat and hands them over to his mum. However, compared to the joy of receiving tickets to the concert, his mum seems to be even more proud of his performance. She opens her arms and gives him a big hug.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Our Vic-Vic is number one~”

With his chin resting on his mum’s shoulder, the boy looks at the tickets in his hand, and a hint of joy quietly surfaces in his serious expression. 

The reason he took the initiative to participate in the competition was originally to win the concert tickets for his mum and make her happy. But he seems to have forgotten that his mum actually really loves to smile–– whether it’s because of his great performance, or when he and his dad debate over a difference of opinion on something, or when he achieves good grades… but most of the time, though, it seems that as long as he smiles, she would also have such a radiant smile on her face.

The reason his mum is so happy right now is probably that he not only won the concert tickets but also performed well in the competition. Perhaps, this is what they mean by “killing two birds with one stone.” As the boy thinks this to himself, the corners of his lips unconsciously curl up into a smile.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

Before the arrival of the main course, the waiters bring some desserts for the students. The boy ponders for a moment and chooses a pudding. The plump pudding is adorned with a tantalizing drizzle of chocolate sauce on top, and the velvety whipped cream is embellished with bright red strawberries.

The boy wipes his fork meticulously and takes a bite with great anticipation, only to furrow his brows and put the fork down. The boy’s mum, who is taking pictures of the concert tickets with her Polaroid on the side, notices his reaction,

“What’s wrong?”

“I want to eat Mum’s pudding.”

The boy blurts out.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

The mother is momentarily surprised, but when she looks up and sees the boy’s frowning little face, she can’t help but burst into laughter–– That little face, which is always mature and composed, finally reveals a rare childishness and willfulness. Even the corners of his lips and arches of his brows are adorned with liveliness and cuteness that cannot be concealed.

“Okay, Mum will definitely make it for you.”

After her words, she can’t resist reaching out and poking the boy’s cheek.

“Who says our Vic-Vic isn’t adorable?”

The boy’s eyes squint involuntarily due to his mum’s actions, and in his slightly distorted vision, his mum’s brilliant smiling face blends together with the splendid sunlight, creating a resemblance to a beautiful oil painting.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈

For a brief instant, the boy suddenly wishes to use that ability he has never told anyone about–– to pause time; so that he can preserve this smile like those beautiful oil paintings, frozen in its most radiant moment.

But this thought flashes through his mind for only a fleeting moment.

Because he couldn’t bear to let this smile come to a pause. It should be vivacious, ever-changing, and lasting for a long, very long time.

He resolves to bring a beautiful bouquet of flowers every time he sees his mum, to let her know that he is growing up well, becoming more sensible and more outstanding.

In this way, he will be able to see such a smile frequently.

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💘 • Date: here!

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[livgr3]

Roundtable: Across the Universe (2007) dir. Julie Taymor

Across the Universe transforms thirty-three popular songs by The Beatles into a wacky musical odyssey that explores the highs and lows of youth counterculture movements in 1960s US and Britain. With major characters named Jude, Lucy, and Prudence who all have obvious namesakes from within the Beatles' discography, the lyrics and perspective of the bands' music informs the characters' attitudes and circumstances throughout the film. Though it's unclear whether the Beatles exist in the films' universe, which seems to be an imagined caricature of the 60s, its certain that Taymor believes their music captures the essence of the sixties, as the (mostly white and well-off) characters sorrowfully sing their way through the turmoil of the Vietnam War and the Civil Rights movement....

At times, this film relies on cinematic narrative expectations, and at others, the film feels like a two-hour long Beatles music video. Some creative risks are taken, such as an LSD-sequence or a highly choreographed interpretation of the military drafting process during the Vietnam War. Though the film is fun when it indulges in its wackiness, I found that it was stuck between following a narrative structure and subverting it, causing it to feel unsatisfying, disjointed and generally underdeveloped.

With this in mind, there's a lot of small characters and storylines that make the film a bit difficult to summarize. Here's a synopsis from Google:

When young British worker Jude (Jim Sturgess) sets sail for the United States in search of his father, he ends up meeting carefree college student Max (Joe Anderson) and his lovely sister, Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood), along with a cast of eccentric characters. As Jude and Lucy fall for each other, their relationship is threatened by the social upheaval that accompanies the Vietnam War.

Social Aspects Through Song

The "social aspects" of Across the Universe are conveyed through the films' songs in a way that is incredibly on-the-nose and un-subtle. In fact, nothing about this film is subtle. For instance, when unemployed artist Jude is upset with his booked and busy girlfriend for being too involved in the anti-war movement, he shows up at the nonprofit and starts singing "You say you want a revolution..." In another sequence, Max prepares to be screened for military service, and giant Uncle Sam posters come to life and start singing "I want you."

With such un-nuanced recreations of political events, I am unsure of what exactly this film is trying to say about the 1960s' political and social revolutions from a 2007 vantage point. On the contrary, perhaps the film is attempting to create an "objective" yet campy and fun retelling of 60s history with a focus on the youth, without deliberately trying to "say" anything new at all. With this non-argumentative lens, the film seems blissfully unaware of its own shortcomings, such as the unresolved sexism of its two male leads, or the surface-level characterization of Lucy and the heavily apparent absence of the second-wave feminist movement.

Perhaps the most questionable of this films missteps, though, is its treatment of race through song. The film's secondary cast features a queer Vietnamese female character, Prudence, who randomly disappears from the film a third of the way in. Then there is Jo-Jo. When it is revealed to the characters that Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, the film cuts to Jo-Jo, a Black man, singing at a bar, only to reveal that his sad song is actually about Sadie, the woman who left him. While social issues of race clearly loom over the characters' heads, the film employs the powers of the Beatles' "All You Need is Love" rhetoric to wash over any nuance pertaining to the topic. This is especially interesting since this rhetoric within actual hippie circles in the 1960s proved to be a clear failure.

Musical Memories and Genre-bending

On the changing force of pop music within the movie musical format, Mira writes: "In assessing what pop songs bring to the musical, we must consider, firstly, that a song's meaning is conveyed not only through melody, rhythm, and lyrics: engaging with an audience's memories, viewpoints, and personal background can be powerful in unleashing meaning as well" (24). In this sense, I think Across the Universe transforms its musical source material and plays with audience's familiarity with its songs in a really fun and effective way.

The film's opening is a really great example of how it blends the audiences' diverging associations of a classic Hollywood musical versus a classic rock music video. These two juxtaposing numbers comprise the opening:

Within this introduction, we are already hit with three different musical styles: the Beatles' contemplative ballads through Jude, a more intense female rock voice, and a more classical "musical theatre" style through Lucy. However, all of the songs sung are by the same artist. In this way, the film often plays around with the melodies, keys, tempos, etc. of the original Beatles' songs in order to suit which character is singing a given song. I think this is a really clever way of making similar-sounding music feel dynamic enough to remain interesting for the span of a two-hour film while also serving practical narrative functions. The songs of the Beatles are also transformed to song like other artists or sub-genres of 60s rock and roll. For example, the character Sadie's songs are reminiscent of rock stars like Stevie Nicks or Janis Joplin, while Jo-Jo's skilled guitar playing is inspired by the likes of Jimi Hendrix. In this way, the film pays homage to several icons of the era, despite only using actual music created by one band of the time.

[illegiblewords]

Dragon Age: Veilguard Review

I finally finished my run of Veilguard. Most of what I heard going in was negative, but also not blindly hateful. I had editor brain switched on throughout to make sure I was paying really close attention because I wanted any commentary to be fair. I can also only speak for myself, of course.

That said, I am extremely critical here. I still had fun and will examine stuff/potentially replay bits, but if something read as unsuccessful to me I'm gonna talk about it. To me, identifying critiques gives fans (including me lol) opportunities to better examine things and make choices while exploring fan content. Below the cut, I am going to give an explanation of some of my own decisions/mindsets entering the game (since that shaped my opinions) as well as discussing various characters, lore, narrative techniques, etc. It's going to be big and I don't even know if I'll be able to hit everything. Unmarked spoilers ahoy, buckle up.

ILLEGIBLE'S RUN AND THE CHOICES THEREIN

Understanding the game doesn't acknowledge past decisions, my personal world state involves the following:

The Warden-Commander, elven mage Alim Surana, went off about ten years ago in search for a cure for The Calling. He fathered a child named Kieran with Morrigan, was in a committed relationship with her, and as far as is currently understood remains alive but laying very low. Magic drew primarily from death magic, lightning magic (spark of vitality/life and death), and arcane warrior disciplines. Kieran was born with the soul of Urthemiel, Tevinter god of beauty and unknown blighted Evanuris, inside him. Mythal/Flemeth removed this apparently purified soul from Kieran to keep with her, leaving only the mortal soul behind to grow independently from there. The Architect, sentient/sapient darkspawn and a former priest of Urthemiel, was spared from death and remained in an alliance with The Warden while trying to find a way to co-exist with non-blighted life. Companions all lived, Alistair was made king.

Champion of Kirkwall Marian Hawke was a reaver warrior. Her sister Bethany survived the events of Dragon Age 2 as a Circle Mage and was freed when her sister took up arms to defend the mages. Hawke entered a committed relationship with fellow warrior Fenris. It's worth mentioning that this Hawke locked into rivalry with Merrill not due to lack of friendship/care but because her fixation on discovering the past by any means came at the cost of her present. Hawke also killed Anders not because of disagreeing with his cause or finding spirits inherently evil, but because more and more it became clear that either Anders was corrupting Justice or Justice was corrupting Anders to the point of not being able to navigate reality or nuance without extreme danger to others. See being ready to mindwipe and re-enslave Fenris, being ready to kill a Circle mage who was afraid of him, blowing up the Chantry instead of targeting Templars directly. Arc-wise it made sense that there were opposite parallel arcs between Anders and Fenris in terms of becoming less versus more open/forgiving. Hawke survived Inquisition.

Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan was a knife-wielding rogue assassin who had been sent to observe the Conclave for the Dalish. He was very devout and that made for a complicated situation given the Herald of Andraste deal. Lavellan forewent all official romances to flirt regularly with Harding. They were confirmed to be dating as of Trespasser. Cassandra became Divine Victoria, Lavellan vowed to convince Solas from his path, mages were sided with over templars, Seekers are seeking to undo the Rite of Tranquility, The Inquisition continues to operate under The Chantry. Unofficially, I already intended that my Inquisitor spent time post-Trespasser/pre-Veilguard telling the Dalish the truth of The Creators. It was probably soul-shattering for him.

My main Rook is mage Valerius Mercar of the Shadow Dragons. He was a young qunari saarebas who got taken in by a Tevinter commander. His upbringing was complicated, he works to free those enslaved and suffering in Minrathous while his adoptive father fights to free those bound and suffering under The Qun. Rook was viewed with a combination of suspicion, curiosity, and pity most of the time depending on the person. He has seen some pretty horrendous shit in Tevinter working with Shadow Dragons, has mixed feelings at both his birth and adoptive nations. Subscribes to the Tevinter Chantry, magic uses mainly meteors and void-of-space cold from the evoker specialization. Worth noting most magic in the Imperium is not combat-oriented. Between the fear qunari invoke in Tevinter and his own talents with combat magic specifically, Valerius made a solid career safeguarding diplomats before he attracted Venatori attention. He was doing a bit of mercenary work until things calmed down when Varric hired him. Romanced Lucanis. My Rook didn't actually realize he was group leader until after the attacks on Treviso and Minrathous--previously had assumed everyone was equal status and they were just winging it. Temperament is very pragmatic and no bullshit when it comes to making decisions, but is surprisingly gentle with wounded people. I finished the game with all companions EXCEPT FOR HARDING GDI alive. I actually tried both death scenes and despite my Harding/Inquisitor OTP it hit me that the parallels between Harding's story and The Inquisitor's story worked with her death. They were two ordinary people who became chosen ones with weird powers by virtue of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, both faced mortal danger and heavy cultural history, both got raised up with religious reverence by others and felt weird about it. One of them lost his hand, the other died. It could have happened to either of them. Also though, Harding went in at her personal strongest. She overcame her own sense of rage for her ancestors to realize she still loved people despite the cruelty and ugliness they sometimes have. The world has good in it worth protecting. Harding also shared the legacy of the titans with other dwarves to avoid being the sole possessor of that history, which ties up a major personal responsibility for her. The Inquisitor had to tell the Dalish about the gods previously, so parallel. There was also a callback to the story's beginning when Harding got injured with an implicit question about whether she changed her mind about the risks involved by leading the way (no) and there were cool reflections with Neve too as someone else who had questions of leadership and sacrifice put in front of her. By comparison, 1) I cannot kill critically endangered baby griffon Assan who gives the best hugs 2) Davrin's story arc as I explored it would not have made sense if he died. He went in expecting to fall for a noble cause killing darkspawn like a badass. The greater good for him is to live for a noble cause protecting vulnerable life that genuinely needs him. Lol @ my Inquisitor tho.

Anyway. Despite being completely pissed off--with the help of Mythal, Morrigan, and the Inquisitor, Rook managed to convince Solas to maintain The Veil. I loved that it unfolded that way. It made sense after Rook learned how Lucanis mentally staying trapped in The Ossuary even after ostensibly being freed, because he didn't know how to heal and keep living after everything. When Rook was thrown into the Fade prison crafted to trap him in regret, my guy actually had the surreal experience of it...not really working. Which also shaped his reaction to Solas.

See, Neve tried to guilt Rook early after he chose to protect Treviso. He saw her as a peer and equal Shadow Dragon, gave her more resources between companions, home turf advantage, the full force of The Shadow Dragons, AND the most powerful mage force in Thedas. With Treviso the actual infrastructure would have made for a worse Blight. The city was actively being occupied already and at a disadvantage. Treviso is not the seat of Antivan power, just one of its cities and a companion's home. Lucanis is skilled but also literally just got out of being imprisoned and tortured for a year, doesn't sleep out of fear of what might happen, is possessed by a demon that occasionally assaults him, and isn't up-to-date with the current state of his home the way Neve is. Support is needed there. Since most resources went to Minrathous, Rook went to Treviso personally as one dude. Guy was obviously heartbroken Minrathous fell but if it was anyone's fault it was the gods/Venatori. Neve tried to blame Rook at the time and it made zero sense to him that she thought he was some tide-changing authority. Sorry u choked Neve, but you were taking the lead on that defense. You were trusted there.

Neve's arc in my game involved her on the one hand struggling with the idea 'people don't show up for me' but gradually realizing often people do but it still isn't realistic to expect everyone to drop everything all the time. When people show up sometimes they survive and sometimes they don't. For my run Neve had to build herself up and do the best she could knowing that others would also do the best they could to give support but sometimes she might just have to lead the way. Neve was the one who dismantled the enchantment during final stretch knowing it was dangerous, and she got abducted. Neve was also rescued by her companions as soon as they could pull it off. She pushed forward even when others offered her a break. She used what she learned in captivity to take control of the Blight threatening her city and her friends knowing she might die in the process, and she lived to know she succeeded without being blighted forever.

So in the Fade prison, Rook was sad but didn't rule out Neve's survival. He mostly felt intense respect for both Harding and Neve's choices. They weren't his choices to make and both Harding and Neve were his equals. Both of them made informed choices knowing there were risks, same as he did. Varric was trickier because he'd encouraged Varric to try talking Solas down and that got him killed--but by that point Rook realized he couldn't have a double standard there. Varric also made an informed choice and decided it was worth risking his life to try anyway.

So facing Solas at the end, on the one hand my Rook realized that while he personally had the awareness and sense of limitation in responsibility to escape he prison... Solas didn't. Solas didn't know how. But the way to honor Varric was to try and show him. Open the door for someone else.

It doesn't make everything Solas did okay or undo anything, but it gives him a future as part of the world where he can still shape things for the better. And he isn't alone either. CRITIQUE OVERVIEW: I enjoyed the game, but there were problems. Some of the biggest ones imo were lore holes/contradictions, sanitized settings and cast, narrative preaching, poorly thought out relationship dynamics in places, extremely bad arc navigation, lack of nuance or room for interpretation, and overall narrative inflexibility. It felt like the game did not want me as a player to have a meaningful impact on the narrative beyond the ending or get to participate in creating a distinct character/story but expected me to be satisfied with superficial scraps. It's counterproductive to the type of gaming experience Bioware is known for. It absolutely felt like the narrative was pressuring me toward some choices, away from others, and going out of its way to try and block me from certain possibilities--not because they were unreasonable but because of controlling devs. I mostly enjoyed combat but there were a few major problems there too--speaking as someone who normally doesn't notice that.

I've seen people get defensive and try to argue that the criticism leveled at Veilguard is because of headcanons not being met. This is factually incorrect. Storytelling is a craft and there are elements you can measure based on evidence, cause/effect, and how various techniques produce results. The things I've mentioned can be discussed with concrete examples to back them up. The problems are legitimate.

Again, I enjoyed playing overall. There were things I liked a lot and I actually appreciated the companions more than most Inquisition companions. 'I like it' and 'it's technically good' are separate categories. I also have sympathy because it sounds like development was hell and at some stage stronger directions were definitely on the table. It's very obvious to me that someone (or a few someones) behind the scenes sabotaged things repeatedly. There are people who were wrongfully fired and there are people who are still working at Bioware who should have been fired instead as far as I'm concerned.

LORE: Not fully going into how many choices in Origins, DA2, and Inquisition were absent, this game cut corners trying to make itself look bigger and more impressive by exploiting the work, care, and investment tied to past games then destroying what came before.

It was not narratively necessary or credible to make Southern Thedas helpless against The Blight. It was not narratively necessary to destroy Ferelden, Orlais, and Orzammar. The developers did this because they wanted players to feel sad and have a heightened sense of stakes, and they wanted the current threat of the evanuris to be framed as beyond anything faced previously. The effect actually produced was that all of the work, strength, and investment players had built in Southern Thedas got undermined and disrespected without actually making the current antagonists look any better. It makes heroes look weak instead of antagonists look strong.

An example of what I'm talking about to clarify. Lets say you're working in a franchise with multiple recurring villains. Villain A has rich history and story arcs where the hero struggled both logistically and personally to overcome them. A storyteller comes along to work with Villain B, and wants audiences to have a real sense of threat with Villain B but isn't sure how to go about building that in a way that stands out. The storyteller decides to have Villain B use Villain A as canon fodder where the hero downs them in seconds in a a single scene on the way to Villain B. Or maybe you see Villain A just destroyed by Villain B with little effort. Villain A is actively made less capable, complex, clever, and self-respecting for this to happen. Villain B doesn't actually do anything particularly capable, complex, or clever in the course of their schemes but the writer insists they were so brutal and capable that audiences should be impressed. Audiences will not have room to experience impactful narratives with Villain A going forward because of how intensely they were diminished. Villain B has earned no respect because everything they accomplished comes through derailment and the author insisting 'because I said so'. The storyteller didn't know how to make Villain B look stronger based on merit, so they made someone else look weaker instead. This sabotages respect and investment.

That is how past games were treated by Veilguard. That is how Southern Thedas was treated.

There were also issues like (for example) the reveal that undead are immune to Blight and this is common knowledge in Nevarra. Nevarra holds status within the Andrastrian Chantry to the point that it is possible to have a Divine who comes from Nevarran nobility--and if she doesn't, she's still serving as Right Hand of the Divine.

There is no longer any reason the Wardens exist, or ever should have existed. There is no reason Circles should have come to be in the form that they had. There is no reason for cremation to have been practiced as a funerary rite. There is no reason it wouldn't be widespread knowledge that spirits can exist as a benevolent force. Logistically, well before Veilguard or even Origins, there should have been skeleton on zombie warfare anytime The Blight reared up so that mortal and vulnerable-to-spreading-Blight people weren't on the front lines. Undead could have been the ones killing archdemons and there would not have been a threat of the archdemon transferring into its killer. Emmerich's mention was there to go 'oh look how cool and capable the Mourn Watch is, Blight can't do anything against the undead!' but that just opened a wholeass can of worms for the history of Thedas.

Additionally. The mechanics of archdemons were erased altogether to make them weaker than they ever were in the series. That was THE final boss of Origins. The game throws at minimum two individual archdemons at the player and leaves a third unfought, and all of the archdemons are minibosses. This is what I mean when I say the past games were degraded in an attempt to make the current game look better.

Sentient darkspawn lost everything about their thought processes and limitations (namely empathy) that made them interesting. See the Gloom Howler versus The Architect. The entire difference in faith between the Andrastrian and Tevinter chantries was thrown out, and there was zero examination of how faith in Tevinter's Old Gods differs from the Tevinter chantry in-turn. (WHERE WAS THE BLACK DIVINE? I KNOW ARCHON RADONIS FUCKED OFF TO NEVARRA OR SOMETHING BUT WHERE TF WAS URIAN NIHALIS?) The entire social structure of The Qun was dissolved in order to have flat brute Antaam antagonists without recognizing how that's like saying the entire legislative branch of US government disavowed America and ran off to conquer Spain or something with no replacement legislative branch. Tbh it's even worse because the Antaam aren't just government officials but thousands of ordinary qunari citizens. Saar-qamek is no longer a serious lobotomization risk. Saarebas are no longer abused and The Qun is no longer understood as practicing slavery (see vidaath-bas) and conquest in its own right. There is no persecution of those who leave the Qun supposedly (unless it's by rebel Antaam, who by rights are tal-vashoth) but also aspects of The Qun that were good like acknowledgment of aqun-athlok got handwaved. Par Vollen just sitting on their hands while tal-vashoth Antaam abuse close allies in Rivain and Antiva does not make sense unless the majority of the original Antaam forces straight up left The Qun and Par Vollen's forces are weak right now. If that is the case, then Tevinter should be going absolutely ham on the forces of Par Vollen as per opportunism. Might explain Minrathous falling if military was elsewhere but like... tell the audience. If it's not the case, Par Vollen should have been going absolutely apeshit on the rogue Antaam.

Slavery as a common, accepted, and financially significant part of Tevinter society is made socially unacceptable in just ten years. Fear of mages and abominations outside Tevinter is barely present as lip service now. Fen'Harel acted alone and had no loyal elven followers whatsoever while the Dalish (acting in direct opposite to everything surrounding Merill) immediately accepted in ten years that their entire culture and religion are not just fake but built on further slavery and exploitation at the hands of elves. Nbd just add Veil Jumpers.

Urthemiel is missing in action. Kieran is also missing in action. What Well of Sorrows? What arc about Morrigan being terrified of losing her personhood to the point of matricide? All of the past antagonist choices made through ambition or jealousy, fear or greed, etc. are now being framed as 'the devil made them do it' via executors as if people are incapable of natural negative impulses. Any hints that The Forgotten Ones could be the Tevinter Old Gods were thrown right out. And like... I'm not inherently opposed to archdemons/the old gods being alternate faces of the evanuris with the evanuris being particularly powerful spirits. The irony that they were elves first is fun. But the evanuris were stressed as being ancient elven mages WAY above anything remotely spirit related, which undermined their power/influence/archetypal nature to a huge degree imo. I'm lowkey mad as hell that we didn't have Elgar'nan sometimes taking a human face and answering to the name Zazikel while dealing with Venatori. When did the other evanuris even die???? Did they die during past Blights with their archdemons or did only the archdemons die? Meanwhile The Forgotten Ones have been made wholly irrelevant and are like some long-lost-cousin plot twist out of a soap opera when it makes no sense for that to be the case. Executors as spooky boogeymen from across the sea are pulled out of left field with no foreshadowing to be the next main antagonists. Templars have no power or relevance anywhere. What are the Venatori even doing anymore? Why isn't there discrimination in Tevinter toward qunari, elves, and especially Dalish elves?

With titans, dwarves, and both lyrium subtypes. I had previously hit the page that blue lyrium ties to reality, physicality, and the world as it exists while the Fade/magic ties to what could be, spirit, and the creation of new possibilities through imagination. Red lyrium as the mad, isolated dreams of titans I can get but I think it was a MASSIVE mistake to leave it as generic madness/anger at being wronged by the spirits who became elves. The Architect/The Messenger both indicate that, without being actively controlled by archdemons, they basically have no instinctive empathy. What I remember from Origins/Awakening also involved darkspawn having instincts like kill/eat/fuck with no regard for harm caused. There was room to do something where divorced from other sentience for so long and even basic physical instincts, when the Blight does find material form all it knows how to process are a sudden influx of reflexes tied to exercising power (after being powerless) and pain that cannot be articulated or understood. The Blight could have been portrayed as something legitimately feral like a human that never learned language or socialized. The idea has a lot of potential and sure like... as a fan I'll explore that. But the devs should have. Harding being upset about selling lyrium doesn't make sense to me because it's like a willing blood donation versus being mauled and left for dead by a vampire. Those are not the same.

I also looked into critique about the altered nature of the Blight in terms of source/progression, and while the devs didn't bother with anything I think I figured out a workable and fun solution so will share that in a later post.

The Antivan Crows of all people being compared to circus freaks BY AN ANTIVAN POLITICAL OFFICIAL with the casino element emphasized in order to voice disrespect made no fucking sense culturally. Ivenci should have been dead for that well before Veilguard. That's like walking into Vlad the Impaler's room and peeing on his shoes while making eye contact. Even getting close enough and getting your pants down to try isn't likely to work--much less getting out of that encounter still in possession of your urethra. I think it's okay to show some Crows are decent folks for assassins and groomed into that without any choice, but the attempt to hardcore moralize the faction is nonsense made even worse by how Lucanis's abuse by his family was framed as acceptable.

'ONLY FEMALE DRAGONS HAVE WINGS' is female supremacist bullshit only introduced to argue that males can't be cool or powerful. It defies established lore about archdemons and dragons in-universe generally. I get that there are vertebrates like anglerfish where the male is tiny and gets absorbed into the body of the female upon mating. I also know that IRL there are all-female gecko species (ex. mourning geckos) that reproduce asexually by cloning themselves, which is a bit similar to what happens in FFXIV. Both of those things are interesting as hell, but for dragons in Thedas specifically those angles don't add anything or even make sense with previous content. The impression matches what I mentioned with the villain situation. There is ZERO cause to cut down male dragons to that extent when you could easily just make the female dragons bigger, stronger, and matriarchal. I'm also looking at this like... for reproduction are males or females supposed to be the choosy sex?????? Are there courtship rituals/is one sex flashier than the other? Is one faster? Why? Both my inner dragon nerd and my inner animal nerd are so pissed that these creatures got made less badass on any front just because someone thought shitting on men was more important than lore or consistency. It's not like there's an indication we've got idk, East Asian-esque male dragons who don't need wings to fly and look awesome while they do.

Taash could have said the title 'Dragon King' is dumb because it's cheesy (if that's even necessary), which raises 'well what do you think of Shadow Dragons' and could turn into fun banter. Taash could have said 'dragons don't do monarchs' and instead gone on a spiel about dragon social structures that enriched lore. But no. The whole point was just to go 'lol men suck and are inferior' and that entire addition can fuck right into the sun.

EDIT: Talked to a buddy who mentioned that there is an issue but it's a different issue than I remembered! Basically, the problem isn't 'male dragons are wingless'. Origins had female, winged high dragons having their nests guarded by a harem of wingless drakes. That makes sense because the wingless males are performing a job and there is incentive to mate with them so there's a swarm of males protecting offspring while the female hunts + not having wings would be tied to them defending nests on the ground. I also wonder if the males would be flashy logistically or not with current game graphics tho bc could be a display for a female and could also warn away potential threats. I'm good with that. The problem is insisting Archdemons are all just high dragons and not something different when the Archdemons have established sexes where some are male. I'd actually have liked a mythozoological info dump from Taash about dragons that brushes up Origins lore. But the presentation and the Archdemon thing were still messes, and the way it was presented read more like shitting on some dragons to man-bash instead of exploring fantasy creatures and their social structures. And tbh my trust in the devs to not do that has been non-existent. So, critique to be made but it's a different one.

I could go on. And thing is, as a fan I'm looking at shit asking myself whether there are potential solutions that add upon worldbuilding (even if the devs didn't bother) versus 'this element cannot be salvaged and has to be discarded'. I've done that before and you can get really fun results that way. And again, I understand there was shit going on behind the scenes. But the execution of lore was horrendous.

SANITIZATION: I touched on this a bit. The Crows as an organization are now good guy freedom fighters all about family no matter what--barring Ilario being a clown. Slavery and racism are suddenly socially unacceptable in Tevinter of all places. The Lords of Fortune, headed by Isabella 'I stole sacred documents from The Qunari for coin', are very culturally sensitive and doing the world a service with their treasure hunting by making sure museums and religious centers are provided for. The Qunari are strict but just a little culturally spicy/the only negatives when it comes to Qunari are the Antaam. The Dalish have no xenophobia and no conflict over the true nature of the evanuris and would never follow Solas OR follow the evanuris/are immediately game to kill their gods with no questions asked. Kal-sharok are just nice all around and have none of the social conflicts or xenophobia of Orzammar, purely victims and too pure for this earth. We hear about how Wardens are often former criminals but Davrin remains on a moral high horse pretty consistently (I do actually like the guy a lot disclaimer) and the only Wardens we encounter who are even unkind are the First Warden, Gloom Howler, and whoever ordered the griffons be killed hundreds of years ago. Templar and mage conflicts, with all the prejudice/suffering/fear associated, are basically gone. Tranquil and even people recovering from past tranquility are gone. It is damn hard to so much as get disapproval with companions and players aren't really given room to disagree with them in meaningful ways. There is one 'Good and Moral' way to think and be for Veilguard. You get to phrase it differently but that's about it. No biases or discriminations in the cast, no serious personal flaws to overcome either individually or culturally.

People. Aren't. Perfect. Not even while trying to be. Not even subscribing to the most current ideas of sensitivity according to particular political ideologies that DO NOT APPLY to the worldbuilding of Thedas--let alone in a uniform way. And there is a massive lack in self-awareness about areas where the devs themselves perpetuate cases of dehumanization, invalidation of suffering/victimhood, and unfortunate cultural implications.

I saw a reddit commenter raise the point that there is a recent pattern of framing qunari as bestial, and it seems racist. People immediately flocked to argue that there are plenty of non-white characters who don't have bestial connotations. I think the actual point was missed and the original observation was not articulated with precision.

It's mostly not a race thing. It's that the Qunari are NON-WESTERN coded. They do draw from Plato's Republic (Greek) but the execution presents them as distinctly non-Western and collectivist. Other cultures in the game are mostly framed as very Western, with a few debatable exceptions for ex. the Dalish. You could argue that the Avaar in Inquisition (with their ties to animism and nature) had some beast themes while Western-coded and were explored respectfully. If instances of non-Western beast themes were also represented respectfully it would help, and if there were multiple non-Western cultures with and without that element even more so. But both the Antaam and Taash specifically with growling/snarling/mindless rage crap? That's awkward. The two qunari loyal to The Qun without beast expression that we see either die or exit stage left without allowing room to explore the subject much. When again, the majority of the story leans hard into Western culture regardless of racial demographics--having the one decidedly non-Western coded culture presented that way? Not great. It isn't like we've seen human, elven, or dwarven reavers hulk out the way kossith qunari do. It's not like we have human, elven, or dwarven characters growling and snarling while being heavily compared to animals.

Inquisition had crazed templars/mages explode into muscular hissing messes while the tal-vashoth in DA2 and qunari in Origins had a variety of personalities, mindsets, and behaviors. Those things help avoid making it weird and culturally targeted for those games. Veilguard wasn't great there.

Meanwhile holy fuck the handling of Lucanis's story was a wreck. Victim of severe child abuse and torture rescues his abuser. Her first move upon encountering him again is to try and beat him with the same cane she used when he was a kid. He kisses her on the cheeks shortly afterward. If he so much as imprisons his cousin who sent him to be tortured and killed by the Venatori, he's framed as mean/unforgiving as if it wouldn't be 50000% correct to kill that fucker right there. 'But faaaaamilyyyyyyy' no. That is grossly unacceptable to do to another human being, let alone family. It's not okay. And stripping Lucanis of agency AGAIN after that year of torture, after he was forcibly implanted with a demon who made him afraid to even sleep because he won't have control of his own body, after he was trapped in abuse and murder since childhood--lmao u r First Talon now even though u explicitly don't want that position. Hooray for FAMILY you are a hero!!!!!1!!

Vile and hypocritical. And the game presents everything as if it cannot conceive of the idea that anyone might have a reasonable objection.

The attempted sanitization hugely compromises immersion and credibility of the narrative on the one hand, limits the scope of human potential/thought/expression on the other, and only makes it more egregious when the storytellers expose their own ideas about acceptable targets.

PREACHING/PLAYER CHOICE/NUANCE: Veilguard struggles to respectfully consider a variety of perspectives and values, in-universe and in what options are available to players.

I'm going to use Emmerich as an example. Emmerich has been absolutely terrified of death since he was a child. Emmerich has been working to protect and respect the dead along with spirits for his whole life. He has an assistant in Manfred, a spirit of curiosity animating a skeleton. Emmerich wants to become a lich so he can completely avoid death and also continue safeguarding spirits/the dead, but that process carries risk and he needs to pass a character test first.

Meanwhile, there are multiple spirits being tortured via a device that threatens to cause mass casualties. Emmerich tries to dismantle the device once, realizes it's really dangerous/he could get killed, freaks out and steps away. He's afraid to try again because he might die. Manfred, who has been starting to speak and shows growing intelligence about the world/people, throws himself in harm's way to retrieve the device and get it to Emmerich. Manfred is killed in the process.

Emmerich tries to dismantle the device again and succeeds.

Emmerich could revive Manfred, a brave spirit who confronted the unknown of death because he cared about and wanted to protect others. Manfred is just starting to grow into himself and has so much to learn. This would mean that Emmerich also has to accept his own mortality as he has been informed he would be rejected from lichdom if he does this revival. He would have to stand shoulder to shoulder with Manfred as equals and treat the unknown of death not as something to run from but sometime to discover with a level of curiosity. Or, he could keep running from death to abandon Manfred and pursue his own personal ambitions of lichdom with the prestige it offers.

I chose to bring Manfred back. The narrative framed this as Emmerich being unable to cope with or accept personal loss, making him a weaker person and unworthy of his lich aspirations. Because selfish ambition at another's expense is the quality you want in a bunch of powerful undying guardians. When you ask if Emmerich regrets his choices he goes 'yeah my dream is crushed but I'd regret not saving Manfred more'. There wasn't really reflection or growth there. Both in that moment and earlier, players are framed as if disagreeing with Emmerich's goal is just crushing someone's dreams and being intolerant because it's a spooky lifestyle.

Lichdom is an avoidance tactic for Emmerich. If the point is to protect others, it's more important to do it well and sincerely than for a long time. It's important to be able to put selfish ambitions and fears aside to protect others in that position because the potential to abuse power is pretty huge. Emmerich had his protectiveness of spirits/the dead pit against his own ambitions, and the story acts like not enabling his ambitions makes you an asshole.

THAT is preachy as hell. Being told you made Lucanis merciless for daring to imprison Ilario is preachy as hell. And there are A LOT of further examples across many characters (frankly some even more egregious), where the narrative tries to instruct audiences on how to navigate social situations with no reasonable opportunity to disagree.

It is not appropriate for a video game that is supposed to let players shape the narrative. The video game isn't there to tell players who they're supposed to be and it isn't an authority on that subject. It can examine perspectives and why someone might think the way they do, but pressuring players to comply or be morally shamed is ridiculous. And honestly? If a player wants to do an asshole/evil run LET THEM DO IT. IT'S A GAME.

Origins, DA2, and Inquisition all gave room to players to explore many different viewpoints and values while trying to understand the merit in each possibility. That was not the case in Veilguard, and it not only made the experience less fun--it also flattened out antagonists to a huge degree by making them strawmen and caricatures who are evil because they are evil.

RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS: I really enjoyed aspects of Lucanis's romance a TON and love his character to bits, but agree with the critique that the game held back too much. This doesn't mean I advocate immediate gratification as some fans are trying to argue. I actually liked that Lucanis panicked and fled the room for the almost-kiss scene. But there should have been at least one consummated kiss before the final quests. Fenris was similarly nervous and dealing with trauma, he got a kiss scene. It's possible to do that. Felt like there were a lot of missing moments and the third act in particular was sparse.

I liked that Lucanis made a dessert for Rook. It still felt like that exchange was cut off at the knees and there were more significant scenes outside it that players didn't get to participate in. Massive shame imo. The background relationships Bioware put in felt forced. No substance or chemistry, hit a point of reading gratuitous and 'pair the spares' like there was something wrong with being single. And listen, I have a history of trying to find angles to work ships between any two randos as a personal challenge. These ships, particularly in how they were executed, felt deeply uninspired to me.

I am all for 'sometimes in a time of crisis while trying to save the world, people stumble into love along the way'. Most scifi/fantasy romances fall into categories like that. Characters are largely focused on other stuff, shit happens anyway. But especially when there are so many other factors at play there should be something to the dynamic omfg.

Harding getting paired off felt like insult to injury when A) I rejected the 'official' options to flirt with Harding and only Harding through DAI, achieved canon 'they are dating' in Trespasser even though there was never an official card acknowledging it or a kiss scene B) when asked about the Inquisitor Harding just goes 'yeah that's not a normal person I don't associate' like wtf C) Harding dies if you are not willing to murder a baby griffon in cold blood. There was no way to opt out of Harding being shipped if Rook wasn't with her and you befriended Harding and Taash. It wasn't as if there were parallels between Harding and Taash either, ways they shaped each other's growth, anything beyond tall and small really. It felt insanely shallow and kind of spiteful tbh. Neve and Lucanis I know about because I've seen cutscenes about it online, I think it was token hetero romance between humans. What, they both drink coffee? Mage and mage killer? Again I just do not see any chemistry. Lucanis is in a vulnerable spot, Neve can be kind of resentful without much consideration beyond her own interests for a good stretch. I wound up liking Neve because of how her arc unfolded in my game but I was really annoyed at her for a bit and I still don't think she and Lucanis specifically are compatible. Lucanis is prone to making himself extremely low priority next to others and the task at hand, Neve can be blind to others if they aren't tied to Dock Town's well-being. Given the Treviso versus Minrathous choice and what I've gathered, it doesn't seem like there's much room for them to really enhance each other's development.

Emmerich/Strife is city versus forest mage between two older dudes and that's basically it. I'm lowkey annoyed that Strife doesn't have an elven name to begin with but that aside he just feels very generic as a character imo. What arc is he going through? Does he have hopes, fears, any personal details of his own not shared by other Veil Jumpers? Did he have a clan or family? Was he raised Dalish or did he join from an alienage? We don't know.

Neve/Bellara would actually be cute, make sense, and have shit they can each draw from. They go out of their way to cheer each other up and entertain each other with the serials, the respect and appreciation between a human Tevinter mage and a Dalish elven mage under the circumstances is interesting and offers room for pretty solid discussion on magic, history, culture, and personal relationships to all factors. Bellara and Neve are going through similar situations in a lot of ways in terms of the identities of the old gods and evanuris. I think I remember Bellara cooked something for Neve specifically too. They have kind of opposite things going on with responsibility--Bellara blames herself for things that aren't remotely her fault, Neve feels like other people let her down all the time, but Neve also recognizes Bellara and tries to uplift her/be aware of her situations. They could actually build into each other's arcs and give each other room to grow.

AND YET, the devs went out of their fucking way to have Bellara go OH NEVE IS LIKE A SISTER. Dude, let your players ship them jesus christ if people want to go with 'and they were lesbians' why are you barring the way wtf.

And lbr Davrin/Lucanis could be so good, I absolutely loved their dynamic. Stood out as distinct, added to both of their development arcs, parallels on corruption, funny as fuck, not afraid to challenge each other. I'm fine with them as friends but would totally support that ship too. Like shit, what the fuck would Davrin even do if he learned Lucanis hasn't actually had a relationship before when they'd been flirting? He's had this image of a very untrustworthy, unflappable, remorseless assassin but guy is shy and skittish with romantic stuff.

It's not like past Dragon Age games didn't have companion ships in the background. Dorian/Iron Bull--fucking solid. Cultural backgrounds, compared levels of comfort in their own skin, banter + willingness to challenge each other. Legitimately interesting. Fenris/Isabella, the very opposite personalities (serious vs more playful, brooding vs live-and-let-live) but common ground in mischief/teasing was 100% respectable. But I think past games kind of understood not to overload the amount of canon ships because it could be distracting, might not always have chemistry or be something that audiences want. Veilguard it felt like crap was getting shoved down my throat constantly while the devs wagged their fingers at me going 'YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO SHIP XYZ, THIS SHIP HERE IS MANDATORY'.

I think I saw someone from the dev team comment that they went out of their way to cram in background ships. From what I remember there was a mentality of 'you are not the center of the universe player they'll find other people' but like. They're there to save the world. They aren't speed dating. If chemistry is present cool but again, companion pairings happened in the past already. Players know the characters are doing shit when the player isn't spending time with them and ships could happen. There's no need to 'teach' anyone that.

Why are you forcing people to eat your undercooked ships Bioware? No one even ordered this and you're trying to give us all food poisoning. Take it back.

ARC NAVIGATION: Harding was solid, Neve became solid because I twisted her arm, Emmerich I think was a mess for previously mentioned reasons, Lucanis I think was a mess because of abuse apologism/'the abuse victim has to say it's okay' and because his story was set up as someone who has lacked agency his whole life being denied agency again at the end. The choice never should have been about what to do with Ilario, but Lucanis becoming First Talon or defying Caterina and leaving the Crows.

Davrin was okay but there needed to be a point he realized he himself is capable of being a monster not because of the Blight in his blood but choices he makes. I think it would make sense for him to not become a monstrous person, but being aware he could if he dehumanizes others I think would have made more sense. He who fights monsters and all that.

Taash I think was an actual clusterfuck and deserved so much better. People have critiqued 'Be Qunari'/'Be Rivaini' and I agree with the critique--that felt like a weird cultural supremacy thing trying to make Rivain better and more enlightened than The Qun on all fronts. It was a false dichotomy for a multicultural character imo. I actually wanted to see Taash explore their Qunari heritage and try to understand it better when they'd previously blanket-rejected shit, but the game was framing that as intolerant/'they could neeeeever be themself in that culture'. Thing is, Taash has the freedom to pick and choose what resonates. They don't have to obey blindly, and they don't need to let The Qun dictate their gender identity either. They realized after Shathann's death that they'd never actually understood her properly, and imo the best way to honor their mother would be to try and understand better even if they didn't agree all the time. But that was not how the game framed the choice.

I actually think Taash needed to learn to be a better listener and to reflect/try to understand people outside themself more. They were awful to their mother when she didn't even reject them--was just trying to understand what they were saying about the gender stuff. Taash's character seemed like they had more empathy for dragons than other people tbh, and I'd have preferred to see a choice reflecting whether they continued focusing just on their own wants or if they factored in others more. Not 'everything is about me'/'nothing is about me', but stepping more in one or the other direction.

Bellara's story felt kind of incoherent to me. It seemed like from the outset, she was being challenged in a similar way to Rook in terms of 'where does your agency stop and another person's begins'. She was blaming herself for what happened to Cyrian before learning he was alive, as if he didn't have his own choices in the face of risk. I was very irritated that when it came out he was borderline possessed by Anaris, she kept blaming him as if he still had full agency and awareness. I think I remember her saying he should have died or something? Insanely fucked up. And then her choice is 'do I trust people to make their own choices given knowledge of the past, not knowing if the knowledge will be used for good or bad ends, or do I limit people's potential and keep them in the dark to avoid others making choices I might not like'. The choice felt really creepy in part because of being abstract, and creepier because the game was pressuring toward getting rid of the Archive like 'WHAT IF VENATORI LEARN ABOUT THINGS WHAT IF WE BECOME CONQUERORS'.

I think there are two better options on how to progress for Bellara. 1) Cyrian comes back and it becomes a question of how to react to compromised agency/do you have compassion for someone in a trap not able to act freely or do you say that doesn't matter because harm was caused. 2) Cyrian doesn't come back, focus is kept the Archive revealing both information that could save a lot of lives/inform people about their past but also really dangerous shit--with Bellara having to decide if she's going to let people make their own choices or try to control and limit the outcome. I think her arc was trying to do too many things at once and so her development wound up super confusing.

With Rook, I think there wasn't enough time given to Varric and his situation before the final quests. Imo the game was so focused on maintaining a surprise reveal that it undermined the character development attached. Rook struggling with Varric's death more, whether they encouraged him to try to talk Solas down or told him it was a bad idea, felt like it needed more time to actually ground out that there WAS a sense of guilt there. Seeing 'Varric' really struggling with the injury, trying to talk to 'Varric' about what motivated him/how he continued to feel about both Solas and past losses in his life, would have made sense and gone a long way on that front. Rook can know about Bartrand and try to speculate on how that might have impacted Varric's choice, and about Hawke, and Anders, and even potentially about the Inquisitor a bit. They can reflect about Cole and about stories Varric has told them and how they think Varric felt personally about his own experiences. I think trying to empathize with Varric, who he was, what his experiences were, would make a lot of sense both in terms of wrestling with the loss but also in terms of Rook accepting that Varric made his own choice for his own reasons and it was never for anyone else to decide.

I know for my Rook, again like... prison of regret didn't work very well. Mostly he went through the game and was able to make the separation. Varric was meant to be more complicated and difficult, but there just wasn't enough attention given TO Varric before the reveal imo for the impact to carry clearly and at full strength. And honestly, Varric deserved more focus if he was going to get killed off like that.

Morrigan I think there needed to be clarity that she was not herself Mythal given how fucking scared she was of losing her identity. While we're at it, Flemmeth also wasn't Mythal. They were themselves but carried Mythal as one facet of who they are. If anything, they both became closer to abominations given Mythal was a spirit--but emphasizing that identity was not lost or destroyed I think mattered.

Solas imo was solid.

COMBAT: I mentioned that I normally don't notice this much but jesus fucking christ the revenant fights. I felt like I'd been thrown into a soulsborne game out of nowhere. Asked a friend and it's because everyone always aggros at you unless you come with a tank/the other characters have no health to lose. If you are a mage u r cooked. And the healing mechanic the most difficult enemies got just made me angry tbh. It felt like being told the work I'd put in didn't count.

Realtalk I didn't like the lack of party control in FFXVI when they did it there. Veilguard was a little better because at least you could give a party member a command periodically, but I didn't like the limitation here either.

I would have preferred more differentiation between the mage skills and the mage companion skills. When characters do the same shit it feels annoying and redundant to me. I also think there were too many mages in the party and Bioware might need to sit down and think about balance.

I played as a mage because I haven't since Origins. There were three other mages in the party, leaving a total of four. It felt completely excessive, and I generally try to have a warrior and/or rogue with me to help balance so I didn't get to travel with the other mage companions as much. Bellara being kind of a tinkerer was interesting as hell, I don't know if she strictly needed to be a mage for that. I know Bioware tends to do an archer rogue and a knife rogue most of the time, along with a sword-and-shield warrior + two-handed weapon warrior. If there's going to be more than two companions per class, imo it might be worth it to put in another combat option for variety. Tinkering/traps/status effects maybe?

DIALOGUE: I actually thought most of the voice acting was pretty strong. Want to particularly shout out Taash's VA not only for a distinct and believable delivery (I didn't love some of the actual lines but Jin Maley did a great job with what was given imo), but also holy shit respect for the scene when Shathann died. I wasn't a huge fan of Bellara's voice acting, and I'm sad that Bioware has completely thrown out the idea that different cultures have different accents. Ex. The Dalish sounding Irish from DA2 was really really cool and I miss it. I remember the dwarves usually have American accents but there were so many American accents elsewhere this time that it actually broke my immersion a bit.

I was distracted by my Rook's voice acting. Didn't feel like there was a noticeable difference between male British at low or medium but more than that--voice was too similar to male British Inquisitor's on the one hand while on the other there were places delivery felt kind of awkward. Sounded like Inquisitor's voice got pitched lower to me and idk if I'm imagining it. I like the fem VAs for Rook a ton at medium pitch, American male VA I need to investigate more but when I tested it wasn't really into that performance.

The actual dialogue, I think there were issues with modern language/slang as a whole. A lot of the lines were very awkward and lacking subtlety, dialogue options when given a wheel to choose felt extremely limited, and there were few ways to express sorrow about anything in-game without either 'I'm sorry' or self-blame specifically.

A friend of mine said that it felt like the game didn't give players enough room to define Rook's personality through dialogue variation. I was skeptical going in but really felt that in practice. There were a couple of moments I felt like I could get something resembling the voice I was after in terms of words and sentiment, but they were sparse and I'm annoyed about it.

I enjoyed most of the banter, it was very fun and cute.

CHARACTER CREATOR: Fan fucking tastic tbh. Someone heard the protests about Inquisition's six flavors of bald and the terror of horizontal hairline and vowed not to repeat sins past. Graphics are great, no more greasy look, solid control over features. I wish there was better labeling on some of the adjustments and that the eyes had better width and shape options. I will also say for Qunari specifically--I think something needs to be done about the hairline. I keep going to bangs so the forehead doesn't look huge and weirdly shaped but there are limited options. If you get bangs, the sides of the head are buzzed or shaved. Managing but it would be nice to have more variety.

DESIGNS: Whyyyyyyyyyyyy don't we get any black or gray armors. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't we see previews of shit before purchasing? Whyyyyyyyyyy do certain outfits use metal that doesn't go with anything? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is that one all white outfit impossible to obtain even when you view all of Solas's memories?

Some armors are decent. Some are weird and poop.

I think the actual companion designs are pretty good overall too. I like Ghilan'nain's look a lot but kind of hate Elgar'nan's. Isabella's concept art was way better. I like the amount of pus and bulbousness put into the Blight and darkspawn but I think some of the designs/colors needed refining there.

Listen, I like vibrancy a lot so it didn't bother me that the game had more of that generally. Just would have liked a little more for black/white stuff too. I think the companions read pretty visually distinct from each other while having enough in-common visually to feel cohesive. I would like more options ofc but that's no surprise lmao.

FACTIONS: Despite being a Shadow Dragon I never felt any personal connection at all with my faction or anyone in it besides Neve maybe. Also, name and catchphrase weren't great imo. It also read as very divorced from the actual people who needed help because the devs shied away from showing slavery, which was annoying. I'm extremely annoyed at the Lords of Fortune for reasons previously mentioned. The Crows I like the characters a lot but I think it's a major problem that they were framed as purely noble and nice within being assassins. I think Teia and Viago are great but I also think the ongoing practice of child abuse to make assassins needed examination. It could have been interesting to see which Crows are continuing to perpetuate that and which are rejecting it. The Wardens felt like a lot of the competence was undermined, the actual presence of criminals in their ranks was an informed attribute, and I miss my Warden-Commander so much. The Mourn Watch is fun but I think there were problems because the devs were treating the dead kind of closer to very expensive party city skeletons or pets rather than full people at times. Without value for the living and life, there can't be true understanding or respect for death. I also think it's a problem that stigma was framed as people just being mean and intolerant of someone's career because spooooooooky instead of individuals facing a heavy subject that might be religiously charged. Also though, the devs shot themselves in the foot so many times trying to stress how cool and beyond competent the Mourn Watch is instead of just letting the Mourn Watch be cool. See 'the undead can't be Blighted'. The Veil Jumpers felt shallow and like there was a whole lot of Dalish angst/conflict about the gods that got completely omitted to their detriment. More could have been done, they were all massively hurt by the sanitization issue.

ANTAGONISTS: This was one of the biggest failures of the game. I could go into individual characters here but it would be the same refrain over and over again so I'm going to speak broadly.

Solas being an exception, the developers refused to even entertain how or why a person with complex thoughts, loves, hates, hopes, fears, and ordinary moments could perpetuate horrific acts. The entire game had zero concept of the principle 'everyone is the hero in their own story'. Empathy, good intentions, past trauma, trying to protect something--there was zero examination to speak of. Antagonists were abstract 'others', just monsters in human skin who no decent person could ever become. There is no understandable goal. There is no negotiation. People are evil because they are evil and if you try to understand it might just make you evil too.

And tbh, having that approach should disqualify a storyteller at the outset. That is an unacceptable level of incompetence.

I would be able to understand (not agree obviously, but understand) if the Venatori were fighting to preserve slavery because Tevinter's economy would take a huge hit without it and there is a non-zero chance that while they're trying to restructure, the Andrastrian Chantry might invade and attempt to punish/control Tevinter's mages Pretty sure that happened before. And if the Chantry didn't attack, Par Vollen very well might.

If Elgar'nan saw and was upset by the conflicts and violence that had swept Thedas for millenia, it would explain why he wanted to take absolute control. I've personally seen someone say they wished mass mind-control was a thing because they could use that to stop people from fighting and behave 'the way they're supposed to'. Absolutely disturbing sacrifice of free will in the name of peace at any cost. Elgar'nan could have been of that mindset and it could have been something to examine.

Instead we got sadists for sadism's sake, evil for evil's sake. Over and over again. No reason. The Antaam allying with the Venatori made ZERO sense and contradicted the deep rooted Qunari fear of mages (let alone red lyrium-weilding mages), but they're being dehumanized into stupid brutes who only value strength anyway so who cares right?

When you make everyone you find morally repulsive a strawman, when you file them as irrevocably 'other' and something you could never have anything in-common with, you open yourself to the greater likelihood of falling into the same trap. Under what circumstances might YOU become unimaginably cruel? Who are YOUR acceptable targets? What do YOU let slide because you think it's for a greater good? Fear, selfishness, convenience, apathy toward others. Having suffered an injustice and using anger/power to hurt others to make sure you never feel helpless again. Caring about something so much that you'll destroy anyone that even might cause it harm.

Power and cruelty for their own sakes are meaningless, but that's all the devs were willing to think about.

Also to clarify part of the issue. I'm pretty sure that the devs would argue Elgar'nan is a litterer because he's evil and evil people litter. Elgar'nan eats kitten because why would an evil, evil person be decent to kittens? If he was nice to kittens then those had to be evil kittens. Elgar'nan would NEVER read The Randy Dowager, but if he did then anyone else who read The Randy Dowager would become evil by association. He cannot so much as brush his teeth without it being a malevolent act.

That's the level of strawman he and pretty much all the other antagonists are. It's ridiculous.

CONCLUSION: Like I said, I have other thoughts/directions based on holes left by the devs. I didn't hate the game. There were totally things I had fun with. But I do think it deserves criticism, and by admitting those criticisms I think fans have the opportunity to address them on their own terms with fan content.

Larian overdid post-release edits, removed things that were good, and put in shit that actually lowered the game's quality. I think if Bioware wants to recover from the abysmal sales being reported for this at all, they actually should do post-release edits like Larian to actually fix crap. I doubt they will and even if they did idk that it would work because they'd need to get someone with a very different approach to assist, but that's what I'd advise.

[alienaiver]

also ever since i bought the shinsou figure ive had shinsou brainrot (did it ever really leave?)

shinsou whos a pro hero invited to a galla - hes supposed to bring a plus one, he wants to bring a plus one, but hes having gripes about inviting you, his disabled best friend. itll be a standing up for long hours, socializing and smiling kind of event; putting you through that hurts him to just think about.

but he's also so very much in love with you, and sees this as an opportunity to gradually show off his romantic notions towards you and not just to his mirror that he pretends is you in the long hours of the night.

to his utter surprise, you actually accept with clear and obvious excitement. you plan an outfit that matches one of your canes (the purple, foldable one shinsou once got you) and wear something longer fitting thatll cover your comfortable shoes with the good insoles.

it goes well, you handle everything with ease and you even hold his hand multiple times. the romantic gestures from both of you are through the roof and shinsou's dizzy with emotions. kaminari more than once winks at him and sero makes a kissy face once or twice. he gives both of them the finger discreetly while scratching his forehead. they both stick out their tongues in retaliation.

it's not until you're in the cab home that you almost collapse onto shinsou. your breathing's heavy and you seem tense from head to toe. you mustve strained yourself even if you promised him you wouldnt. he rubs soothing circles (or so he hopes) onto your palm and kisses the crown of your head.

you sleep over at shinsou's place so often that he has an extra futon just for you. you're on the couch, nursing a glass of late-night wine as he sets up your bedding, your feet raised onto a few throw pillows to alleviate the pain. you haven't said much to each other since you left but it's comfortable, quaint.

he settles on the couch with you, moving the pillows and situating your legs on his lap instead. you hand him his glass of wine but he takes it only to put it on the coffee table. he starts rubbing your feet and you can't help but laugh, its oddly intimate even if hes doing something hes done a million times before after youve walked more than your pain scale usually allows.

"pain level?" he asks and you hum before you reply, "six."

he nods and presses a little harder, works the muscle a little throughout. "distress level?" he then asks and it doesn't even take you a moment, "only two, this is pain expected after these kind of activites."

he smiles up at you, "you're really beautiful right now."

you throw your head back and bark out a loud laugh, "now? after my makeups splotched and my feet are swollen and itchy?"

his lovestruck smile doesnt change at your reaction, eye contact clearly maintained, "youre always beautiful to me, but these moments that only i get to see... theyre my favorite."

you hide behind your wineglass but steals a timid look through the glass, "youre being bold tonight."

he hums as his hands find their way further up, giving your calves a much needed squeeze, "sometimes im made brave by those around me. today especially, you sparked it in me..." he looks away for the first time, suddenly overwhelmed by the weight if his own feelings, "im in love with you. i want more moments like this."

you sit up so that you can lean into his space, your hand raising slowly to cup his cheeks, "theyve always been all yours, brainwave."

the hero name you helped him pick in high school makes him blush. hearing it from your lips always sounds more loving, more inviting than from anyone else. when he chances a look at your lips, you lean forward the rest of the way despite your shoulders and backs protests because kissing him is more important than your chronic pain right now.

shinsou knows you though, so he wastes no time in maneuvering so that you're comfortably settled as hes hovering over you in an awkward angle. he will always do that for you, put you first in ways that makes your head spin. your needs will never be a bother to him, but a comfort he will always happily oblige to, because supporting you is all he needs to retain happiness.

[cyhyr]

Silence

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: T

Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka

WC: ~853

Warnings: No Warnings Apply

Additional Tags: Nightmares, Past Abuse, Conditioning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Use of a Shock Collar

A/N: Hello. I am back on my bullshit, ignoring my longfic and instead posting a whole new series of whumpy oneshots. I'm a few days late on this, so expect a few posts a day until I catch up!!

Thank you to @promptsforyourwhumpfic for creating the event!

Read on The Archive

~

It has taken Kakashi… an embarrassing amount of time to figure out Iruka’s quirks. Like how he’ll always leave the last few bites of food on his plate, swearing that he couldn’t eat another bite. Or how he keeps a very clean and tidy apartment, despite the rumors to the contrary. And that he maintains his hair meticulously, deep conditioning once a week and leaving it down around his shoulders whenever he’s off-duty.

He’s figured out the reasoning behind most of Iruka’s quirks over the three years they’ve been dating, and the last four months they’ve lived together. He leaves the last few bites so that if Kakashi or whoever he’s dining with needs just a little extra, he has it to share. He keeps his space clean because he finds anxiety in chaos. And he maintains his hair because it’s a direct root to his Uzushio heritage.

After moving in with Iruka, though, Kakashi has found a new quirk that he just can’t figure out a reason for. Once Iruka comes through the door at the end of the day, he’s silent—all the way until he leaves again the next morning. 

Not a cough. Not a cleared throat. Not a whisper.

Silence.

Even when they make love, Iruka will actively hold back sounds, biting his lip and hand and squeezing his eyes tight. If it weren’t for Kakashi constantly checking in on him, asking over and over again, are you alright? does this still feel good? and getting vigorous and excited nods in return, he would think that Iruka was in pain throughout the act.

He’s tried asking, once, while they were out to dinner. It didn’t go well, and ended with Iruka slipping away by excusing himself to the restroom and simply not returning. Kakashi hasn’t brought it up since.

Except. He has to, now.

“Fuck, c’mon, shh, it’s just a dream, it’s alright, I’m right here,” Kakashi gently strokes down Iruka’s face as he trembles in his dream, scratching at his neck in his sleep and thrashing the more that Kakashi keeps touching him.

Even in his sleep, in his dreams, Iruka is quiet. What sort of conditioning has he—?

His eyes shoot open, bright and wet and terrified, and Iruka freezes. His tremors become worse, and he reaches up to his neck and feels and—everything about Iruka relaxes, his eyes gently close, pressing tears out onto his cheeks, and he rolls into Kakashi’s chest.

“Are you alright now?” Kakashi asks.

Iruka starts to nod, but then changes his mind and shakes it instead.

“Do you… can you talk about it?”

Iruka’s breath hitches and he looks up at Kakashi with wet eyes, holds up two fingers and shakes his head.

Kakashi has. A genius idea. He slips his hands around Iruka, lifts him up and stands, and then flickers them out their open bedroom window. And once they’re on the roof of the apartment building, he carefully sets Iruka back down on his feet and asks again, “Can you talk now?”

Iruka flings his arms around Kakashi’s shoulders and waist and whispers, “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t… I…”

“Take your time,” Kakashi holds him back. “I’m here.”

They sway gently for a few minutes, maybe an hour, and eventually Iruka is calm enough to explain. “My last boyfriend… he wasn’t… he was very controlling. He wanted peace and quiet when he came home, and to ensure he got it he…” Iruka lightly touches his neck, and Kakashi looks down at where Iruka’s fingers are—

Scars. Two even circles, just under his ear. 

He’s seen those kinds of scars on abused dogs.

“He had me wear a…” Iruka flushes, unable to finish the sentence, but Kakashi knows.

“A fucking shock collar,” he growls.

Iruka nods. “But only when I was at home. And it was extremely sensitive. I couldn’t hum, I couldn’t cough, I couldn’t whisper. He wanted peace and quiet, and he… he got it.”

“That’s bullshit. He should have fucking asked. Not—not that. Not even dogs deserve that.”

“I know,” Iruka murmurs. “I know it was fucked up, and I knew it at the time, too, I just… I thought that if I stuck it out for a few weeks that he’d realize that I didn’t need the collar, that I could be quiet for him without it, but he. He’d get so angry if I didn’t wear it at home.”

“How long did this go on?”

“Three months. He… met with an unfortunate accident after that.”

Kakashi grins. He’ll get that story some other time. “You… you know you can talk inside now though, right?”

Iruka’s face falls. “I’ve tried. I… I can’t. There’s a block or something, and I can’t.”

Kakashi shrugs. “Alright. Then we move and get a new place, just for us. Somewhere where the memories of being silent won’t affect you.”

“You… really?”

Kakashi kisses him softly. “And I’ll help you, if it persists. I’ll remind you to speak up, to keep trying to make noise if you find yourself silenced. Alright?”

Iruka nods. “Thank you, Kakashi.”

[bookishfeylin]

It's true though. By the standards of MAF and WAR (not to mention SF) Tamlin was 109% right to restrict Feyre's freedom of movement, since in those books the narrative removes all responsibility in shaping her life from Feyre and places it on the outside world and characters.

She is no longer an adult, she is a teenager who needs a strict but loving daddy to force her to eat, read and tell her what to think.

Tamlin's failure in this case is not removing her agency, it is not doing it sooner and not framing it in a way Feyre would like.

I think this is in response to my post where I mentioned that Feysand stans will simply excuse Tamlin rather than condemn Rhysand when it’s pointed out that they’re the same? But at any rate… Nooooo I respectfully disagree here.

Feyre is correctly angry when Tamlin removes her autonomy in increasingly controlling ways throughout ACOMAF. It’s just… bizarre that she finds Rhysand doing the same healing and loving. It’s healing when he forces her into the clothes pre-designated for her even though she gets upset when Ianthe does that in the Spring Court, healing when he repeatedly puts her in danger to prove herself to him or to serve his agenda even though she got mad at Tamlin for not saving her from UTM, healing when Rhysand has her always supervised by a member of his circle even though she chafed under supervision by Tamlin's guards, healing when Rhysand has her replay events UTM by having her be his whore despite being triggered by being reminded of UTM when Tamlin locked her up, healing when Rhysand forces her to eat and meet his circle despite deteriorating and refusing to engage when Tamlin introduced her to his, healing when Rhysand makes her do tasks she despises at the time such as learning to read despite hating when Tamlin makes her participate in tasks she doesn’t want. And it’s FORGIVABLE when Rhysand keeps secrets about her being hunted by the Attor and them being mates and her almost DYING IN CHILDBIRTH despite a big problem with her relationship with Tamlin and a clear indicator of his controlling nature being that he kept huge secrets from her.

It’s never right for Tamlin to restrict Feyre’s autonomy or control her, and the narrative makes it clear that Feyre's plummeting agency is a problem… but then it abruptly stops? And it’s just written as romantic and necessary and protective when Rhysand does it for some reason.

Ngl though the “she is a teenager who needs a strict but loving daddy to force her to eat, read and tell her what to think” part made me snort

[mayasdeluca]

Here's a convention breakdown:

Meet & Greets are usually 30 minutes with the guest of your choice with up to 25 people (Epic did only 15 people). These are the hot ticket because you get the best interaction with someone. What's said in M&Gs is usually supposed to stay there but as we have seen people who have been to Danielle or Stafania M&Gs in the past tend to spill vague and annoying tweets as part of that inner circle.

Photo-Ops: You can say hello (get a hug), tell them your pose idea and get in place but these pretty much move quickly.

Autograph/Selfie: This is a good time to have a quick semi-private chat with a guest where you have their attention or for however long it takes them to write your autograph. Some people are quick and other monopolize time. There's really no way to know how many autographs they will sign in a 30 minute period. And on top of that if they are doing selfies (Stefania was not) that could take up even more time.

Anyway, as I keep reflecting on my Epic weekend, I can safely say that my autograph interaction with Stefania was the worst I have ever had. I DO NOT BLAME Stefania. She only did 2 blocks of autographs back to back at the end of the day. She saw the crowd and heard the voices around her, she has to stop talking so much, she can't write messages, no personalization, etc. So she could not give people the time/attention they deserved. And I think that weighs on the guests mind. I was watching her sign like a machine, she barely looked up at anyone. It was clear by the time these autographs happened her social battery was drained.

I feel like because autographs are the most social time with guests they should happen in the morning or earlier in the day for even the same amount of time and IF need be, the guest can come back at the end of the day and finish off the last few remaining but not the bulk of them. I saw Stefania in the morning at a photo-op and while I just briefly said something to her for my pose she seemed much more vibrant.

I can totally understand why Stefania opted out of the nighttime fan event for the next Fan Fusion To The Rescue. After a full day of conventioning where not only are you exhausted from the work you put in but also from hearing everyone else's story, you don't want to "people" anymore and keep the smile up for appearances. It definitely seems way out of her comfort zone to even interact as much as she does but she does it and I thank her for whatever little rime she was able to give me.

On a separate note. I introduced myself to both Danielle and Stefania and they introduced themselves back as Danielle and Stefania. I heard Macey and Daniele and Francis all call out to Danielle as Danielle. BUT ALL I fucking heard on lines were Dani and Stef, Dani and Stef and I wanted to punch every single person who said it. Whoever started that in the fandom should get diarrhea forever. There names are Danielle and Stefania and you (not you directly) don't know them like that to even call them Dani and Stef if they EVER went by that.

That definitely makes sense and it seems like autographs is what ends up being the downfall of most cons and it must be because there's no real rhyme or reason as to how much time each one takes. Whereas with meet & greets its a set time and photos it's just a quick pose and that's it. There has to be a way for it to go smoother with people still being able to get that personalization and few minutes with the guest since they are paying for that time with them like everybody else.

I don't blame Stefania at all for not doing the extra activities like the parties and stuff anymore either. After doing all those things throughout the day it must be incredibly draining and I'm sure she wants her time to herself and to recharge. Especially for people who are more introvert and not as into social interaction...for her to do as much as she does already should very much be appreciated by fans.

I'll never understand the Dani and Stef thing. I never took part in it and never will. It feels so cringe to me how this fandom refers to them as that because we never heard that before and we aren't their friends...I really don't know why it became a thing and why it stuck.

[ortonrk]

the basics:

full name: randal keith orton nicknames: the viper, the apex predator, the legend killer prefers: randy, rko birthdate / age: april 1, 1980, 44 yrs old pronouns / gender: cis male, he/him residing: st. louis, mo relationship status: single sexual preference: often

headcanons / personality traits:

twice divorced, still unable to commit.

randy’s still got a few demons he hasn’t bothered to tame. one of the biggest being his wandering eye. both of his marriages went down in flames when he got caught cheating, and he owned up to it without a second thought. he’s quick to admit he’s the problem, but old habits die hard.

his first divorce? that happened when his wife came home early from a trip and found him entertaining a couple of weekend visitors. his second divorce? that kicked off when his wife found photos and videos of (tba) on his phone.

sexuality: frequently explored.

randy avoids labels and serious relationships because he’s torn between wanting freedom and craving closeness. his hesitation to commit and tendency to cheat usually result in short, dramatic flings. even though he doesn’t want to settle down, he often ends up falling hard for people and dealing with serious jealousy. at times, he struggles with treating people as if they were possessions.

dedicated family man, fiercely protective and private.

despite his divorces, randy stays devoted to his children. he makes quality time with them a priority and is actively involved in their lives, including those of his stepchildren. he works hard to keep a respectful and supportive co-parenting relationship to provide a stable and loving environment.

while this portrayal acknowledges them, he won’t post photos or media of his children and i ask you respectfully do the same (reblogging gifs or photos with them visible). they’re underage and it’s a little weird if they were ever to come across them.

loyal friend, highly selective inner circle.

randy has been in the business for many years, yet he can still count his closest friends on one hand. despite having a small inner circle, those who are close to him describe him as fiercely loyal and caring. he places a high value on trust and loyalty in his friendships. however, once that trust is broken, he is quick to sever ties without hesitation.

confident, reserved but unyielding.

randy’s confidence can come across as arrogance, and though he’s mostly quiet and reserved, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation. he has little tolerance for disrespect and can have a short temper, though he's improved in managing it. despite this, he deeply values loyalty and respect and is quick to defend himself and those he cares about.

completely sober.

since announcing his sobriety in 2022, randy has been proudly maintaining it. he is committed to staying sober and will not be breaking his commitment. while he doesn’t avoid events with alcohol, he hopes you respect his journey and refrain from trying to tempt him. all his shitty decisions are made sober.

proud video game nerd.

throughout his life, randy has been vocal about how important gaming is to him. for him, it’s a way to disconnect from the world and clear his mind. injuries have also given him plenty of idle time, making gaming a welcome escape. some of his favorite games include call of duty, starfield, elden ring, and assassin’s creed.

shipping and other ooc notes:

my direct messages are open for plotting. randy is a polarizing character, either loved or hated with no middle ground. i’m interested in exploring messy plots with him, even if they’re in the past. if you need an ex who broke your heart, randy can fit that role (preferably 26+). keep in mind, randy isn’t a prince charming; any ship if at all will require chemistry and effort. writer is 21+ and on est.

connections wanted:

• friends friends friends friends • the person he was lusting after that caused the demise of his marriage • people he has hooked up with throughout his career. one night stands, crazy hookups with no holds barred • people he has beef with from his past • someone he doesn’t want to admit he has feelings for but is extremely possessive of them (and vice versa) • any relationships/situationships that ended badly • younger talents he mentors within the business and treats like his children “do as i say, not as i do”

[bropunzeling]

Director's commentary, anything from mattdrai soulmate AU (or future snippets!)

hello anon! gosh it's been a while since ive looked at this one; here's the early section where they are in germany and going for a little walk:

Leon harries Matthew until they’re both dressed and ready to go, grabbing a spare key from the table in the hall. The weather outside, once they get there, isn’t too bad; it’s a little brisk, but nothing that either of them can’t handle compared to an Alberta spring. Matthew still looks shivery, though, hands tucked into his sweatshirt pocket and head bowed. [poor bondsick matthew! in all seriousness figuring out how to portray bondsickness was honestly really fun - just being a pathetic lil mess until someone touches you. idk if i ever said so explicitly in the fic/fully committed, but in my head/memory as of now, i think it's one of those things that is not so much caused by physical distance but by emotional distance. they haven't figured out/reconciled their feelings = you get sick. leon leaving was just a triggering event. but the beauty of never saying so explicitly is i can't get it wrong either way lmao.]

“Hey,” Leon says, bumping Matthew with his elbow until Matthew looks up. “You okay?” he asks, feeling like a broken record, but there’s not—what else is he supposed to do? [leon just actively flailing throughout the whole of the 2022 sections was also fun. he's a demonstrative guy but it's hard to be demonstrative when you don't have a clear sense of what either of you want. also, he is not yet willing to internally acknowledge how important matthew is to him, so he's just gonna... kinda suck at it.]

“Yeah,” Matthew says flatly. There’s big purple circles under his eyes. It makes Leon think again about how badly Matthew’s taking it, much worse than how Leon’s doing. Sure, he supposes he didn’t feel great for the twenty hours they were separated by an ocean, but he also didn’t look like he’d been run over by a zamboni. [bc you are not in emotional turmoil my guy]

Leon knows, at this point, that he should know better, but he’s still not sure how exactly all of this works. Bond-sickness is a thing from romance novels and weepy made-for-TV movies, not for a couple of hockey players who are regularly a continent apart. [again because it's an emotional thing, and leon isnt ready to clue into the emotional aspects of their relationship - purposefully oblivious] Leon leaving shouldn’t have done anything, he’s pretty sure. What difference would the Atlantic make, compared to North America? [bc you ~left~ him/aren't easily accessible anymore!]

Besides, in every depiction of bond-sickness he’s seen—which was mostly the one movie Kim watched on repeat when she was thirteen, some weepfest based on a Nicholas Sparks novel that Leon got so sick of he threatened to snap the DVD in half [my favorite thing about writing aus is figuring out alternate media for aus. i love a shitty reality tv concept. i love a bad romance novel. i love an ed sheeran ballad. it's the most fun part and also is such an easy way to add color and a sense of heft to your world building.]—it always happens to both sides of the bond. He’s pretty sure that if Matthew’s sick, he should be too, or else neither of them should be. [more hinting at one-sidedness] Which—that’s something he’s not sure he wants to interrogate too closely.

“Here,” Leon says finally, pulling at Matthew’s arm until he finally manages to get at Matthew’s hand. “Let me just—”

The second his fingers wrap around Matthew’s, Leon has a sensation of realignment, like one of his joints has eased back into place. Matthew starts to look more alive, color returning to his face as he sighs with relief. It’s kind of fucked up, how much touching makes things better, but it’s kind of cool, too, that this is all it takes. [one of my fave lines! (a) i think that would be the appeal of a thing like a bond to me, that you can make each other feel better and (b) i like it as an unconscious acknowledgement on leon's part that he wants matthew to feel better. he gives a shit! it isn't really platonic anymore even if he can't see that or admit it]

“This okay?” Leon asks, darting a glance at Matthew before looking down the street.

“Yeah,” Matthew says, fingers squeezing once. “I mean—if you don’t mind.”

“Whatever will help,” Leon says, more sincerely than he means to.

Leon started their walk without any destination in mind, but it isn’t far from his parents’ new house to the west bank of the Rhine. Once they get to the river, they stop, looking out at the Rodenkirchen bridge, huge and coppery green; the trees dotting the riverbank on the opposite side; the water reflecting the bridge as it flows north. There are ducklings following their parents down through the current, people walking past with dogs and strollers or only themselves. It’s peaceful to be around other people, to hear pieces of their conversation and the rush of the river and Matthew’s steps in time with his own. [i never made it to cologne but it looks really gorgeous in pictures! love a big bridge by the river. fixes me every time]

He wonders what it’s like for Matthew, somewhere unfamiliar, where not even the background noise is the same. [there's a thing about this that like, is tricky to articulate but i'll do my best lol - when they were both in alberta, they were both far from/couldn't always go home, which is a theme i find compelling (see marriage bets) but leon is obviously more separated. and during the 2022 sections of the fic, it was fun to explore matthew as the one far from home, in an unfamiliar environment, with leon as the one fixed point. idk! it's a fun theme.]

“Want to go farther?” he offers, tugging their hands towards the river. “Not too bad right now.”

Matthew nods, fingers tightening around Leon’s. “Sure,” he says. “If you want to.”

“Yeah,” Leon says. Now that he’s looking at Matthew, it’s like he’s gotten stuck, gaze snagged on Matthew’s eyes, as clear and blue as the spring sky. [ur in love with him. hope that helps.] He has to blink hard before he can look away, back to the tree-lined path and the river ahead. “Yeah, I want to.”

They spend another half an hour walking down the river and back, until it’s too cold to continue. [i just love a romantic walk!] Then they turn down into the neighborhood, wandering streets that should be more familiar to Leon than they are. [another bit of that far from home theme; what even is home in the first place if you've spent your adult life somewhere else?] Eventually they find a café and Leon gets them coffee, more to warm their hands more than anything else. Matthew stumbles through a “Danke schön” when he takes his.

“Did you practice or something?” Leon asks, raising his eyebrows.

The tips of Matthew’s ears flush, [he has been practicing for at minimum six months and at least a year. maybe started during those summer calls. he has an irrational hatred for the duolingo owl] and he takes a long sip of coffee. Leon decides not to push. It’s just—unexpected, is all.

Eventually they find their way back to the right street. Matthew’s shivering again. Leon should’ve given him one of his heavier jackets; they’re close enough to the same size. [them being the same build is important and sexy to me] He’ll remember next time.

“You good?” he asks again.

Matthew nods, takes another sip of coffee. “This is strong,” he says, narrowing his eyes.

“I’ve been telling you, your coffee is shit,” Leon says easily, accepting the misdirection. [european coffee just is better. alas.]

“Just because you’re a snob,” Matthew retorts, and they’re back to not quite normal, but closer. When Matthew nearly shoves him off the sidewalk mid-argument, it’s practically a relief. [they will always be a little bit butting heads but in a fun flirty way :)]