#i wanna see who my actual no.5 is
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 4 ]
{☆} characters arlecchino, furina, lyney {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood {☆} word count 3.7k {☆} previous [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ]
Fontaine was bathed in darkness, not even the moon daring to illuminate where the common man fears to walk. The streets were bleak and empty save for the constant, rhythmic ticking and clanking of machines marching on endlessly, dauntlessly wading where even the bravest dared not to venture. Not even the sharp click of the Gardes boots followed the occasional hisses of steam as they walked the barren streets.
It was haunting, and it'd been like that for days now. It showed little signs of stalling in the slightest, too. Every inch of Fontaine was practically crawling with Gardemeks– like a swarm of rats skittering about.
Arlecchino had secluded herself in the Hotel Bouffes d'ete for days at this point, waiting– biding her time. Her nails clicked against the wood as she tapped at the table in a stilted rhythm, the subtle click of the clock mixing into the clanking outside, weaving in and out of earshot as the patrols slipped by. She reached forward after a moment of thought, reaching for the white king.
She leaned back against the chaise, tilting her head just enough to catch a glimpse of a patrol of Gardemeks as they vanished behind the rows and rows of buildings. It wasn't enough to keep her attention for long, however, her features twisting in disinterest as she glanced back to the chessboard– and the letter neatly resting beside it. The seal was unmistakable and a sobering sight, demanding her attention– the soft hues of blue etched into the shape of a dragon stared back at her in a way that almost unsettled her.
She had already parsed through it's contents hundreds of times, but she was met with only vague, flowing script that only served to irritate her more then anything– it filled the page top to bottom yet managed to say nothing at all. Her hand reached out again, but instead of reaching for the letter she plucked the black rook from the board, setting it down with a soft click.
Arlecchino had all the time in the world to sit back and observe her prey, but all that time would be useless if she lacked the information to act.
And he was quite tight fisted about it, evidentially. None of her inquiries or attempts to decipher any potential codes in the letter left her empty handed. She could not act without even knowing the reason for his summons– it was almost worded like a personal affair rather then one would expect for a foreign diplomat. In truth, she'd expected a scalding report on her operatives, but it lacked any mention of anything of the sort.
She was no stranger to people masking hostility behind pretty words and compliments, not that it was ever unwarranted per se– the Fatui did not create connections through honesty and genuine kindness. They have strong armed more then their fair share of people into cooperation to the point distrust is all the Fatui are met with outside of Snezhnaya. Every word was meant to conceal the deceit, every action meant to conceal the price later paid.
So she had been..skeptical of the letter, to put it lightly. She doubted the Iudex of all people would offer a hand to the Fatui without a price attached– a trap, perhaps, meant to lure in the most powerful piece left on the board. Her eyes narrowed, reaching for a white rook and moving it to the right.
Or he was hiding something. Something that he simply couldn't risk getting out to anyone, not even the Divine themself. A tempting prize, whatever it was.
..A dangerous prize, too.
She'd considered burning the letter and forgetting it all together– the risk was great, and she couldn't risk getting caught up by whoever else the Iudex may have on his side of the board. But she could hardly pass up the challenge and the prize that he fought so hard to keep from prying eyes and ears. Even her agents came back empty handed each time. She lazily picked up a black rook, sliding the white pawn aside.
"Lyney," Arlecchino drawled, crossing one leg over the other and turning her gaze to the door as it slowly creaked open. The pale visage of Lyney stepped through, though his siblings were noticeably absent. The weariness that weighed down on his shoulders was apparent in the slightest furrow of his brows and the subtle creak of leather as he clenched his fists behind his back. "Father." He choked out, the title dragged out by the sharp inhale and shaky exhale.
He looked out of breath, she noted.
The silence that lingered after the small exchange was punctuated only by the click of another chess piece being moved. She sets aside the black rook, letting it sit among the dozen other pieces that had been wiped off the board. She can see the conviction glinting beneath the fog of exhaustion, but if he would utilize it was another matter all together.
He had seemed to make his choice quickly, at the very least.
"Our contacts and operatives within the Fortress of Meropide have gone silent– all we have is their final confirmed missive.." His voice is confident, but it is rigid as the words spill from his lips. He takes a sharp step forward, unfolding his arms from behind his back and opening his hands– the small, water stained and messily folded note catches her eye, plucking it from his palms with a half hearted interest. "They believe the Duke left the Fortress of Meropide..and that he may be coming to the Court of Fontaine."
Her eyes narrow dangerously, nearly crumpling the thin paper in her hands– yet just as quickly, she collects herself.
But she cannot get rid of the bitter taste on her tongue, lingering as she sets down the note and slides it to the side, her lips pursed into a thin line.
So the Iudex had shown one of his pieces..she tightly grasps a black rook, tipping over the white rook, letting it roll against the board.
If the Duke was involved, things were much more complicated then she expected– he would be a problem, she was certain. She couldn't blame the lamb for fearing the wolf, either. Whether her agents had been killed or captured by the man mattered little. He had his ways, and he was a force that could instill fear in even them.
Which meant the possibility that her operation was already compromised was far too real.
What had the Iudex so concerned he had gone through the trouble of bringing in the Duke and herself? The Fatui was one thing, but to specifically request one of it's Harbingers..
The Prophecy? The thought had her clenching her fist, but..no. If it were to rear it's head now, the Iudex could simply not afford to waste time on his contacts deciphering his nonsensical script– If the prophecy were to be the issue, there time would be limited to mere minutes in the worst of cases. Which meant it was worth biding his time in order to ensure absolute secrecy.
So if not the prophecy, then what?
Her next moves were..limited. She was already walking on eggshells considering her position and the reputations of the Fatui– especially with a Harbinger in the midst. If they caught wind of her operations, they'd weed out her operatives and be on guards for any snakes that lingered in their garden.
She reached for the chessboard again, picking up one of the white rooks from the board with a scowl. The sharp click as she sets down the white rook and sets aside the black pawn draws a shaky inhale from Lyney as she moves another black pawn, the dull click of the pieces drowning out the distant clinking of machines.
..A draw, perhaps.
The pieces were all falling into place– the players of this game were slowly being revealed. Whether she could secure her victory..she was unsure.
She wasn't even sure who her opponent was. Only that the Iudex himself was but another piece in their game.
Arlecchino reached for the board again, yet this time she hesitated. Perhaps she could still swipe the win from beneath them, if she played her cards right.
She would simply have to capture the king– or, if need be, let it end on a draw. Either way, she would not concede. She could not afford to concede. Down to the last piece, she would drag out this match until she was in a position to force their hand into the outcome she desired.
She stood slowly, picking up the king piece and observing it for only the briefest of moments before she set it down on the table, taking measured steps around the table and across the room. She was hunting a much more dangerous quarry today– it would be no simple runaway traitor this time.
"Do you remember the directive?" She inquired coldly, her hand lingering on the door for that long, tense moment. "..Yes, Father." Lyney faltered, taking a hesitant step back and bowing at the waist. "Then do not stray."
All that was left was the silence and click of the door shutting behind her as she disappeared down the hall, her boots clicking harshly against the floorboards. The rest of the agents knew better then to linger in her path as she stepped down into the lobby, adjusting the cuffs of her sleeves. She barely even acknowledged the Fatui agent standing at the ready by the heavyset doors, their gloves hands held out with her cloak held loosely in their palms. She quickly snagged it from them, tugging it over her board shoulders and clasping it around her throat.
With a quick tug, she brought the hood up over her head to conceal her sharp features, lifting her hand and placing a neatly folded note within their waiting hands. She had only one chance to make the right moves and secure her victory– no matter the cost.
Each piece had it's purpose.
Oft, that purpose was a bloody and horrible end– but for the grand goal of the Fatui built on the backs of the dead, it was an honor.
She didn't bother speaking a word as she dismissed them with a wave of her hand, pushing open the heavyset doors and stepping out into the barren, damp streets. The rhythmic clink and whir of Gardemeks was still distant– she needed to move. Her boots clicked and splashed in the rain soaked stone of the streets as she slithered between the buildings, ducking through the openings in the patrols.
It was almost too easy.
She tilted her head back, taking in the towering Palais Mermonia with a scowl, her hands clenched into fists. The final moves were being played– the king was within her reach, yet she felt no more confident then when she began.
The air carried a sense of unease, thick and heavy, filling her lungs until she felt her breath still in her chest– listening to the empty, bleak night that seemed so..quiet.
She'd done her fair share of research, had more then her fair share of her agents try to peer into the Iudex's office or the Archon's supposedly hidden chambers, but every attempt was a failure. She had to give them credit, they were quite elusive when they wished to be. Though now she only thought about it bitterly– this was all a risky gamble, in the end, and only time would tell if it paid off.
With minimal effort, she'd managed to pull herself to the flat, tiled roof, eyeing the massive tower peaking out of the center cautiously. At least here the wandering patrols down below weren't likely to notice her..she could hear them passing by the spot she'd been in only a few minutes ago, just beneath her. She pulled the hood further over her face, peering through the sheer darkness of the night for any oddities, but it was almost impossible to see in the dark.
Her boots clicked softly against the tiles as she approached the tower jutting out from the Palais, her hand gliding along the smooth stone, pressing against odd indents or crevices. If it was for the Archon's chambers, she doubted they made it very difficult– she'd only met the woman once, but she doubted the Iudex make it all that complex just from a brief glance. And it surprised her little when one of the stones sunk into the wall, gears whirring as the walls split open to reveal a stairwell straight into an inky black hall. Only the barest hint of light peaked under the door at the bottom, but it's occupants must have heard her, considering it went out not a moment later.
She cautiously stepped down into the small crevice, her breath visible in the bitter cold air– her shoulders tensed at the subtle sound of muffled footsteps behind the door, her vision flaring with a molten heat between her shoulder blades as she reached for the worn handle of the door. The heat of her vision was enough to just barely heat the metal, her vision flaring like a quickly building inferno.
Arlecchino was prepared for a fight, if it came down to it.
The door creaked as she pressed against it, shoving it open with a grunt of effort and surveying the room with narrowed eyes and a biting remark on the tip of her tongue– the lavish opulence was expected, she supposed, but the lack of the towering figure of the Iudex was not.
Yet before she could get a word in or even take in her surroundings properly, the light flickered back on and she had to squeeze her eyes shut with a hiss at the sudden brightness. She could hear the door being shoved closed behind her, the hurried footsteps retreating just as quickly as her eyes adjusted to the light.
..This was a joke, wasn't it? It had to be.
She'd expected the Iudex, perhaps even the Duke if she'd been unlucky, not the Hydro Archon. She had half the mind to test her worth as an Archon then and there, her temper flaring like an uncontrollable blaze, barely kept at bay. It took all her self control to force herself to smile politely at the woman rather then snarl.
"Miss Furina," She sneered beneath her hood, x shaped pupils locked onto the startled, trembling Archon with thinly veiled contempt. "What a..pleasant surprise. You'll have to forgive my manners, I assumed I was meeting with the Iudex." She observed her body language carefully– the way her eyes darted about like a frightened rabbit seeking escape, the slightest tremble of her lips..
Arlecchino opened her mouth to offer another scathing remark, but her jaw audibly clicked shut as her entire body seemed to lock up. Even her vision went cold against her back, a chilling feeling creeping up her spine as someone, or something, crept up behind her. Their footsteps were almost silent, the slight rustling of their clothes the only thing she could hear over her heart pounding against her ribcage.
Arlecchino had always prided herself on being on the other end of that sensation– she was the monster, and her target was the prey frozen like a deer between the hunters crosshair.
It was a chilling feeling to have the dynamic shifted on it's head.
She couldn't even swallow, her jaw clenched so hard she could hear it creak as she tried to reason with her quickly splintering mind– a futile effort, her joints locking up almost painfully. Black spots were quickly swallowing her vision from the lack of air in her lungs, the sound of shuffling behind her barely audible over the ringing in her ears.
For a moment – a moment too long to have only lasted the seconds that it did, yet so quick it gave her whiplash – she thought she would hit the floor dead before she could even glimpse her assailant.
And then it was gone. She came crashing back into reality with a startled inhale, her lungs burning and her knees nearly buckling under her. The instinct to lash out and kill whoever had done it was intense, yet she couldn't bring herself to move even a finger– it would be so easy to twist around and ignite them with searing flames, but her feet were rooted in place.
She almost didn't notice the surprisingly gentle hands unclasping her cloak, tugging it off her shoulders, if not for the sheer intensity of the presence still lingering behind her. Her mind was still fractured, struggling to right itself after the ordeal, and it had her seething.
"..Are you certain you held back enough?" Furina croaked, the normally soft lilt raspy and almost hoarse. "Not– not that I doubt your capability, most Divine!"
Arlecchino felt her nails dig harshly into her palms, heat swelling beneath her skin– Divine? Had she lost her mind? The Divine was..
The Divine was upon their throne where they belonged. She'd seen them!
"Hm. Well, maybe? Sorry, I didn't think it'd affect you too." Their voice was sickeningly soft as they stepped around her like she wasn't even there, focusing their attention on the Archon who seemed more then delighted about it. "What gave you that impression, most Divine? Aha, I..was completely unaffected, as you can see! Perfectly fine."
Furina let out a small squeak when they pinched her cheek, but the almost affectionate smile that tugged at their lips revealed the lack of malice behind the action.
"You're a bad liar, Furina. You might want to sit down..please?" They didn't take her protests for an answer, gently pushing her to sit on the bed before abruptly turning to face Arlecchino once more, a forced smile on their lips. "Oh, good, you're..uh, not dead. That's good. I thought I fried your brain. Sorry?"
..Had she hit her head on the way here? The Divine should still be on their throne, yet she couldn't shake the weight of their stare– it felt tangible. She felt like she was standing face to face with the stars– galaxies and constellations bearing down upon her.
She grit her teeth and clenched her hands until she felt the sting of her nails against her palms, grounding herself in the pain through the sheer overwhelming nature of their existence.
"You.." She croaks, reaching out with a shaky hand and grabbing them by the collar of their shirt, lifting them up until their feet left the floor– she pays no mind to the startled protests of the Archon. Arlecchino would crush her like a bug before she even got the chance to intervene and they both knew it. "You shouldn't exist– you aren't them, and yet you..you're the imposter, aren't you?" Her grip tightens yet they face her without an ounce of fear, meeting her unyielding glare with a pondering look.
Arlecchino wanted to make them bleed just to see if she could, the urge to sink her teeth into skin welling up in her chest to the point she visibly snarled, her mask of politeness long . "You're the imposter." Her expression falls for a moment before she schools it into one of apathy, setting them back down and holding them there for a moment, finally releasing them after a tense moment. "Or you were supposed to be."
Hers brows furrow– she wants to demand answers, to throttle them for damning them to being nothing more then dolls for the supposed Divine to break at their whim, but none of the words come to her.
"..Why now? The current Divine has been in power for years, yet you descend now?" Her shoulders tensed, lips pursed into a thin line– it's impossible to ignore the truth that lay before her. The Divine is a fraud and this..imposter is the true Divine. How many years had they been in power, now? How many years were they waiting? Why did they wait? Was the suffering of Teyvat not enough? Was the blood that painted the steps of their stolen throne not enough?
She'd personally been on the wrong end of the Divine's wrath– she wonders..had they watched? Had they seen the cruel hand of their imposter and turned their back on Teyvat?
"I.." They hesitated. It made her seethe, her hands clenching into fists at her sides– her vision flickered, flames swelling within it's casing just to be smothered by the presence of the Divine. But once that spark had been lit, she refused to let it go out. "I didn't know."
The answer does not satisfy her. There is an itch beneath her skin that she cannot scratch, a fire that burns in her chest so hot it scorches even herself.
"And what about now? Are you content to cower like prey in the safety of the Palais Mermonia?" She snapped, taking a step forward, her brows furrowed and her glare intense– she can see the slightest bit of worry in their eyes. She revels in it. "Will you let them use your acolytes like pawns? How many more need to be broken on the steps to your throne before you act?"
Again, her vision flares and dims– it refuses to be used against the Divine that created it.
"Have you no answer?"
The room is silent. They do not speak and neither does she.
Even the world itself seems to quiet in the face of her accusations, fury boiling to the surface so hot it incinerated all it touched.
"I will kill them myself."
Their words are quiet, but they are not soft– there is a vindictive, searing anger that explodes out like dying stars within their eyes. The sight of constellations replaced by a void that would not be . The smell of ichor grows stronger– to the point she feels almost lightheaded.
"..I am aware that I have failed in preventing this, but I had no choice in the matter. Still," They muse, their voice like the tolling of bells. A solemn melody that stills the swelling fury burning in her chest, if only for a moment. "I will rectify it– I will tear down their throne of lies and let not even the earth tarnish itself by burying their corpse among it's soil."
They pause for a moment, holding out their hand– scarred and bandaged by the weapons of the devout, yet still they take upon the burden of dirtying their hands to save those who did not save them.
"Do you trust me, Arlecchino?"
Did she?
"Will you help me?"
She exhales heavily, meeting the starry iris' of the Divine with a scowl still tugging at her lips. Arlecchino trusted no one but herself.
"..Yes."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#imposter au#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#arlecchino#lyney#furina#you do NOT wanna know what i got put thru writing this fic#trying 2 find out where arle was in the few times we DO see her and going down a rabbit hole of fuck fontaine and its layout actually!#I spent like 3 hours looking it up and checking in game it gives me a migraine thinking abt it. ew#anyway trying to write a really smart character is surprisingly difficult when ur as dumb as rocks#also used an actual chess match for this and gave myself an even worse migraine trying 2 make sure i didnt repeat moves or smth#furina doesnt get a spotlight yet just imagine her sitting in the corner trembling like a wet kitten you found on the side of the road#arlecchino goes thru a crisis more at 11#shes a tired single dad shes isnt getting paid enough for this okay#hands u a fic over half the length of the other THREE PARTS#ehe :]#is arle actually on ur side??? is she gonna double cross u???? who knows!!!!!#shes unpredictable she might stab u for funsies#anyway im gonna go nap in a ditch now this took SO LONGGGGG OH MY G-D#also just think acolytes who arent buddy buddy w reader and even resent them is so tasty#bc how r they supposed 2 know reader was a human vibing 5 minutes before their got eebied 2 teyvat..#reader gotta roll up their sleeves and get 2 WORK sometimes murder IS okay#they gotta fix some shit around here and that means committing several crimes all at once. sometimes more#a group can be g-d (just got here) their dragon (neuvi) their cat (archon) their dog (wrio) and their wolf (arle)
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Matthew 7:15
(my commissions are open!)
#martzipan#komahina#hajime hinata#nagito komaeda#priest au#never thought i'd be captioning my art with a bible verse but alas. priest au#this one is unapologetic bait for a beloved mutual. teehee :3#the gist of priest au is pretty simple. nagito komaeda is a priest#one day someone new shows up to confession-- a very repressed hajime hinata#hajime has been struggling with. erm. homosexual tendencies. nagito promises to help him find peace with god !#thing is. um. nagito is not actually a very sanctimonious priest.#that's right babes it's weird repressed manipulation/corruption WEEEEEE all wrapped up in a catholicism cloak#that part's really funny actually. for me in particular. guy who has never gone to mass in his life attempts to utilize religious themes#help i was baptized lutheran and haven't been to church since i was 5 i have very little idea what i'm doing#relying on my knowledge of art history and nothing else <3333#well . friend google is there for me as well#oh btw the file for this one is titled 'i heart sacrilege'#just realized one of my signatures is missing the 'n.' oh well#too minor of an error for me to feel like fixing it lmao#OH before i forget. this is kinda a given on my blog bc i don't think ideas can be owned#but anyone is free to do things with priest au if they desire :) tag me tho i wanna see it
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Just for fun I mapped the strawhats onto Brian David Gilbert's "Mortal Comfort" Ideal Cuddler Chart. I don't think i have them 100% right but i wanted to start the Discussion yk?
Here is my reasoning (sorta-ranked from most to least ideal according to BDG's criteria, though your personal preference may differ (as does mine)) :
MOST IDEAL STRAWHAT CUDDLER AWARD goes to Jinbe! He is big and soft and kind. I think he would be very good at it. He would take initiative to rub your back and have pleasant conversation, but he let you fall asleep if you wanted to.
Nami: Not a super adventurous cuddler, nor does she do it often. She WILL pickpocket you, so be ready for that. She's probably the closest to normal you're going to get.
Usopp: He needs to fidget with his hands and is happy to comb your hair or rub your back or massage your shoulders, but he's going to talk your ear off whether you like it or not, and he'll whine if you try to leave. Extremely clingy and needy in a cuddle, and his pockets are full of little gadgets and tools that are not super comfortable to lay against.
Luffy: Very enthusiastic but he will not sit still long enough, man is constantly adjusting or twitching. He's prone to squeeze too tight with the wrap-around rubber hugs, and if you aren't paying close attention he WILL put bugs and beetles on you. He's also the type to think it's funny to wipe boogers on you, or put his cold hands up your shirt. If your arm or leg fall asleep he's not gonna move for you, he's gonna think it's funny.
Chopper: He hasn't had enough practice yet, he mostly just wants to be held. Very enthusiastic though. Constantly making sure you're comfortable, to the point where it's distracting/a little annoying.
Brook: Bones are not extremely comfortable, but he is able to summon a cool/chilling wind so the temperature control will be ideal, and he's very polite and gentlemanly when he's not trying to see your underwear. As long as you stack some pillows around him to actually lean against, you're golden.
Robin: She will be up to some freak shit with her devil fruit I know it. Being cuddled by a dozen hands may sound very nice but she will turn them against you, either to tickle you right when you're falling asleep or grab your ankle and let you think it was a monster under the bed. She WILL be up to mischief.
Sanji: Also constantly making sure you're comfortable, much more than necessary, and will dote on you WAY too much while you're trying to sleep. He'll keep getting up to grab water or a snack or another blanket or something and won't just settle into the cuddle unless you make him. Also he is likely to either catch on fire or start violently bleeding from his nose depending on the circumstances.
Zoro: Very open to the idea of cuddling but not an active participant; he just falls asleep. He is essentially a very hard body pillow. (If he WAS actively participating he may match where Robin or Luffy is instead.)
Franky: Not a single part of his body is comfortable or free of hidden guns, but he will damn sure try his best!! He will also try and hold conversation and compliment you, but much too loudly. The enthusiasm is there, but...man he's struggling everywhere else.
#i made this with the idea of them cuddling each other in mind btw not in a self-insert sense. but you can see it that way if u wanna#i also made it while thinking of east blue polycule and older4 polycule but thats my business LMFAO#now being the most IDEAL cuddler and the most WILLING cuddler is different. i think luffy usopp and chopper Actually do the most cuddling#luffy and usopp are touchstarved to hell and back and chopper is always down for a cuddle pile#im not tagging this with anything algorythm-y. i think the only ppl who want this content r already following me LMFAO. all 6 of them <3#so sorry to my man franky but u r made of metal#usopp is def the NUMBER 1 cuddlebug on the crew i think. most wants to cuddle and most willing to sit there and do it for more than 5 secnd
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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#Ruining the semi normal sleep schedule I'd managed 2 keep going for like a week cus of paranoia 😎#This is ofcthe one time I'm like Actually fucking sleepy#I shocked myself earlier n am in a spiral about the whole “even a semi small shock can fuck up ur heart hours or days later” thing#Which idk if thats unreasonable paranoia or like normal n smart#The internet is 50/50 on it lol#Mom says im being paranoid. Called a like phone nurse about it who said it'd be smart 2 get it checked just 2 be safe#But it's late and doesn't feel serious enough for the er?#Also the er is hell. U just sit there for Hours waiting n then get looked at for 5 minutes told n2 wait even more n then told 2 just go hom#So I am just kinda... existing.. until stuff opens n I can hopefully see a doctor about it or something:)#And cus I was already feeling kinda sick Before the shock I can't be sure if I actually have any symptoms of something worrying#AAAAND my anxiety about the whole thing is making me over analyze every heartbeat or muscle twitch#N tricking my brain into believing shit that's not real#I wanna nap so bad but my brain won't let meee#Ok ramble is done... I just needed 2 get this out of my system somewhere...#Can u believe I use 2 think I didn't have anxiety?? I was all Oh yeah I'm Super chill 😎 while sirens played in my head 24/7#rambles
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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What other fandoms do you think you’d write for? Or are you strictly an HP writer?
PS. Love ATWMD and THTF. Your writing is impeccable.
i’ve written a captive prince & succession fic as well so! & have also briefly written fics in some other fandoms when i was much younger which r now too embarrassing 2 name lmao
honestly not sure what other fandoms i’d write for it honestly just comes down 2 whether i’m gripped w an idea for certain characters…would love 2 escape hp fandom lol but i think part of why it’s sucked me in so bad is that i like fucking around w the holes in the canon universe…like most of the marauders fic i’ve written has been either canon compliant or canon divergent & me going “hmmm what would these characters do in this context” & now bc i’ve spent so much time thinking abt & writing them it’s just also becoming easy 2 plug these characters into aus 🤧
actually thinking abt my fic writing experience generally the thing that tends 2 make me wanna write fic is if there’s something abt canon that i wanna patch in…like my captive prince fic is just canon but from a different character’s pov & my succession fic is just “what if kenstewy were canon” lol. have thought abt writing aftg from andrew’s pov & the first book of the feverwake duology from dara’s pov simply bc that’s something i enjoyed doing w atyd & captive prince but never actually did…guess i could also see myself potentially writing spn fic if i came up w an idea i liked…& honestly i think if i ever reread trc i might go crazy for real & could then potentially decide 2 write fic who knows. but atp i feel like marauders fic has just become my comfort zone…it’s just a weird balance to strike where a story has to have characters i love but be unsatisfying (poorly written/queerbait/not actually queerbait but i’m delusional/would be fun 2 see from another character’s pov) enough that there r gaps i wanna fill. so like there r various stories/franchises/series i’ve loved where i’ve just never felt compelled at all 2 read or write fic bc i got everything i wanted out of the story etc!
#when i was texting my twin after we both finished tsc i was like ugh should i just write my own sequel rn i don’t wanna wait….#& she was like yeah and send it 2 me lol#but!! i have other projects 2 work on & i trust nora i wanna see how the series plays out….#pondering more & realizing that like. when it comes 2 pov rewrites i am always drawn 2 the same type of character#like gimme a story w a bastard love interest who has suffered horrible abuse & knows things the mc doesn’t#& i will be like wow. i want the whole story all over again from their pov….#many similarities between dara & laurent & andrew & atyd sirius….#my favorite type of guy <3#anyway i do feel like i am running out of things 2 say abt hp canon…#like after wfrau think i’ll be at a point where i’ll have 2 figure out if like#i wanna start just plugging these characters into aus or write fic for other fandoms or try 2 actually write original fiction lol#honestly dara feverwake pov haunts me i love that book sm & ik me & all of 5 people would be having the time of our lives…#ask
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no harder curse to bear than having a favorite character that the writers stopped caring about two years ago
#Three guesses who I’m talking abt it’s not hard#Like there are interesting bits in s2&3 and 4 is so awesome for him#And then 5&6 is like why are we literally forgetting he just won the all valley#Devastating to see him loose to Kenny devastating to see him suck shit in the sekai taikai#HE BEAT ROBBY!!!! HE IS A GOOD FIGHTER#Like I don’t wanna be like “they nerfed hawk” but like they literally did#I understand why in 6x4 he’s bad bc he’s distracted#What’s the excuse for the entirety of p2#And like they did nothing interesting with the fascinating set up of binary boyfs divorce#Like there were so many interesting conversations they could have had and they just didnt#And why is he only allowed to hang out with Demetri now#Like I like it but where are my Miguel and Eli bestie moments where is any acknowledgment that he and Tory were besties and then enemies an#Are now on the same side#Why give him a stupid background girlfriend if ur not gonna do anything abt it#AND HES NOT EVEN FUN ANYMORE#Like even when he was cartoonishly evil he was fun as hell and Jacob was clearly having the time of his life#Now he just stands there#God actually I wish he stayed evil Jacob literally said he thinks the random change of heart didn’t make sense and I agree#Like no acknowledgment of how ck affected him no acknowledgment of literally anythingn#Making him be besties with the guys who brutally bullied him for years like honestly fuck off#N e ways#Clearly I think abt this a lot#Could talk about this forever and will if prompted
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i self rb twice my last art post on main that i posted yesterday and it doesn't have any notes so either people rly don't like or care about it (which is fine idc it's not my best art or anything but i never had a flop like this) or it's a bug and that would be a problem i don't rly want tumblr not to show my art to people who follow me ykk..
#not complaining at all i just wanna know if it's normal or not pfft#so like. if you can tell me if you see the post or not i would appreciate#but i think people have better things to do so i'll probably never know#which is whatever as long as it's not a bug that happen every time i post#maybe it's just not a bug and the 5 people who usually like my oc art gave up on me.............. it's fine have a good life mates#i should ask on main probably if i actually want an answer but i don't care enough for that
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well i guess i can play bg3 now, assuming it finishes downloading sometime in the next 2 months
#personal#despite following many people who are very into it i still know absolutely nothing about what it's about#like i know the premise of the brain tadpoles but that's it#i definitely need to do something fun after the last few days of supervising peach#(update: after not eating or sleeping for 3 days she is now doing both! she's very hungry and very tired and im very relieved)#but also after the last 6 hrs of just non-stop downloading and installing things. windows is sooo bad for upgrading#all the dai dlc probably has another 20-30 mins left and then ive finished all the da games and also all my modding tools#i think im actually not bothered even transferring my old saves for the da games. i never go back once ive finished a playthrough#i guess the only thing is if i wanna play da2 before next playing dao and have to use a custom worldstate hm#the only other thing is that dao doesnt connect online anymore so i have no achievements or rewards for completing dlc#it wouldnt be too hard to find my user profile file on my old hard drive but i almost wanna start from scratch and see how long it takes#the thing with that tho is that it's probably the worst (or maybe best lmao) game to have my achievements reset#because it takes a minimum of 6 playthroughs to get all achievements (assuming you finish every game you start)#for da2 it's 3 (reach kirkwall with each class) and for dai it's 1#but dao has an achievement for each origin and even other than that there are achievements for filling each ability tree#(min 5 playthroughs of the base game or 3 with awakening) and all romances (4) and all endings (3 i think)#anyway. whatever i'll decide later. the only utility of achievements are the dlc ones that unlock items#huh this is a post about bg3 and i spend most of the time talking about da#anyway bg3 currently says 2 hrs remaining but that'll probably speed up once the dai dlc finishes. only have trespasser left#and whatever tf 'english voice over pack' is??
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柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第十四回 「星落ちてなお」
#柄本佑#tasuku emoto#光る君へ#hikaru kimi e#1x14#made by me#fujiwara no michinaga#藤原道長#I don't even wanna type#no michinaga ugly crying gif here bc it should have its own set#but I guess I need 3-5 business days to recover#michinaga getting up in the night of starfall I just wanna kms what the actual fuck#on the other hand michikane#I rememeber saying that I want to see the darkest fate and then everything just hit.#like. HIT. so quickly#my heart breaks for so many people in one episode#the way Oishi-sensei wrote this should be illegal#and michitaka the nice oldest brother turned into the no.1 villain in a blink of an eye omg#ngl it's a bit hypocritical for michinaga to have an issue with michitaka's ways#bc like. your father promoted you as fast#audiences root for you bc you promised mahiro to pursue your political goals to build a better world for her#but it doesn't really make your ways any cleaner??#but you're the male protagonist and motivated by the female protagonist. so I guess it's fair in this taiga world#(all these ↑ long-ass tags from a person who said she didn't wanna type lmao)
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The moment I stop reworking the skeleton of my drawing and just bother finishing it's over for you bitches
#luly talks#it's shameful i know like 5 people TOPS will care and NOBODY ELSE but I'M AN ANATOMY FREAK#except when im not naturally#actually nvm i just opened it again. it was worth ig#anyway who wanna see my harrysport sex wip‼️ it's taking ages and i can't post it on main bc. jussy.
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the amount of pedo youtubers i watched growing up was insane but its actually really worrying that i had crushes on most of them and im so so thankful that my interest in most of them disappeared before they got exposed bc i would've lost my mind which did happen once with miniladd
#also i literally met one#i met bryanstars when i was 14 i also met some other members of mde and damon fizzy but LORD#i also talked to him online before that as well publicly and privately and im so glad nothing bad happened in those messages bc i was#already having such a shitty time as a teen and i would've been pushed over the edge#im not bring this up outta nowhere i saw a video about this general topic on tiktok and didnt wanna leave an essay in the comments but#needed to rant#also i was actually so pissed off about miniladd liking miniladds i was obsessed with his videos in hs and i took it as a personal betrayal#i was always watching vanoss and his friends videos growing up so i had spent so long watching him not the longest ive ever watched a#youtuber(that goes to phillip lester who i found on complete accident when i was literally 5/6)#i did get groomed by a few older men online tho i Was of the kik generation#one of them was my bsfs bf who was a junior when we were freshman who would message me that he had a secret gf that didnt want to go public#he also would threaten to kill himself if i took too long answering him back so i was on my phone 24/7 basically and was stressed out so bad#combined with transphobic and homophobic bullying at school caused me to have a public meltdown in the class that held all my bullies and#had to convince my parents to enrole me in homeschooling after which ultimately also fucked up my relationship with 1st gf who was also#manipulating me at the time and also trying get me to make out with her while we cosplayed as levi and eren from aot#which i was uncomfortable with considering i wasnt an aot fan and also was aware of the age difference#i did get back with her after this and she did break up with me again after and i probably would've gotten back with her a 3rd time but#i never saw her message asking to talk again bc she messaged my old fb after my bsf made it an advertisement for the bee movie#i don't believe in a higher power but something was definitely protecting me bc i didn't see that message until TWO YEARS LATER#this went in so many directions#im tired#tw pedophila mention#pedophillia mention#pedophillia tw#suicide tw
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hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know
#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :')#my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :')#bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought!#sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all#btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it.#like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out??#why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭#(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do.#but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?)#vent#possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh#sorry. i am very tired
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we could be really cute roller skating besties who jam to vaporwave and mallsoft in the city at sunset but nobody i know wants to leAVE THEIR FUCKING HOUSE & TRY NEW THINGS
#B R O#I HAVE MADE 5 NEW RL FRIENDS IN THE PAST WEEK#AND NONE OF THEM WANNA DO ANYTHING EVER#W H Y#like they’re cool people fr but 😭#i don’t understandddd why is is so fucking hard to find people who aren’t afraid of literally everything#what the hap is fuckening#a few years ago i had soooo many friends who were down to do whatever whenever#and it’s like that just#died in everyone around me#shit i know times are tough but it’s things like this that actually help make u feel better#i swear they do why can’t just 1 person trust me and take chance and leap & SEE what i’m talking about#😭😭😭😭😭#i’m gonna c r y i just want my friends to love life again#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#also i meant weeks not weeks lmao i don’t expect anyone to do anything in the 1st week omg#i’m not THAT bitch#WEEK****#jfc CAN I TYPE NORMALLY FOR ONCE OMFG#WHY DOES AUTOCORRECT CORRECT INTO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT THINGS
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Thinking about how the official White Fang uniform is red, white, and black, but Yang is the one to help Blake end racism 🙃🙃🙃
#rwde#first i wanna know who actually makes these clothes. are they tailored for every fang or mass produced?#where are yall getting the resources? why do yall even need a uniform? wouldn't a logo bandana or smth suffice?#id love a pair of white fang socks ngl#but anyway gr8 to see that the color show is following up on its color symbolisms and foreshadowings#love that yang literally never gives a shit abt the plight of the faunus even when shes iN lOvE w one#and that she only knows adams name from a news reel but acts like she knows all his dirty laundry the one time they actually talk#and she doesnt even say smth like 'fuck you for taking my arm what the shit was that abt??'#like id personally like to know why some random jackass decided that i should lose 10 lbs in 10 seconds but whatever#you do you Yang#but straight up i dont think ruby even knows abt adams existence#blake mentions him by name at mt glenn but ruby was on watch and not part of the conversation#only yang saw the news abt adam being at beacon#and only blake sun and yang ever fight the guy#RUBY CANONICALLY DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT ADAM TAURUS#man it sure would be a bummer if in an au adam and ruby had met in mistral and hit it off and ruby accidentally helped deradicalize adam#and neither of them know exactly how closely entwined their mutual people are so when the others find out all hell breaks loose#god i wish i could work on ohar but my trilogy has already expanded into 5 installments#plus the essay im currently dying over#guys i need an intervention send help lol
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