#i understand theres functions to these things but it gets to be a bit much sometimes doesnt it? for all sorts of reasons

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!

[kitkatcadillac]

this whole year has been such a crazy exploration of my identity its ridiculous. the complexities of my understanding of queerness as a whole and my own relationship with mine is simultaneously enough to fill a text book and yet beyond words or explanation and no matter how frustrating and painful of a journey its been, its like... beautiful, actually.

i just keep thinking about it. i keep going through cycles of being embarrassed and wishing it was at least a little simpler, surely im overstating, and being... happier. more comfortable sitting in my own skin, understanding some feelings ive had... feeling sorry ive gotten so mad at me, and feeling like i didnt deserve to feel hurt by myself or by anyone who didnt understand and didnt want to.

it isnt the only issue ive struggled with by far! painful year, this year. but after a lot of work, a lot of reframing and reframing and learning and relearning, training myself to understand that all these... boxes, all these things ive tried confining myself in have just been noise, arent designed to be tests of queerness to earn a spot in the gay agenda or whatever... after a lot of hard and sincere thought, i love to be... gentler. with myself... at least about all this queer stuff.

its nice... i can think (at least sometimes, maybe even usually,) i like who i am. its just fine, and queer is maybe my favorite word in the world actually. i think it earned it

[rin-and-jade]

Are You? What about You? Them? : A Post about Differentiating Types of Parts.

We all know that spiderman meme where they pointed to each other because they share similar qualities that confuses their selves;

Like this. Right?

They all sounded so similar that we neither knew which is which at first glance..

And so, at the end of this post you will be confident in pointing out who is who, just like a spiderman who can tell apart from its own multiverse friends, that is. So let's get pointing to the smaller details!

How it works..

We know what it's like to be conscious, yeah? What if i were to tell you that yes, there are varying degrees of consciousness, and that we all can fluctuate on those levels too?

The levels of consciousness can vary from only being aware of its physical surroundings and react instinctually (lesser level), to being able to self-introspect and understand what they like and dislike (higher level). This is all dependent on many different factors and i want to clarify that it takes more than just 'awareness' to tell a fragment apart from an alter for example. But, still important to know what level its at.

This explains why shards, and fragments are less flexible when facing an issue, as they're more limited or not as equipped as an alter in terms of reasoning or level of logic/knowledge. So why is that? It can be from the intensity of dissociation, and other things like how much implicit and explicit memories it retains, this includes experiences.

How to tell them apart..

Sure, theres a spectrum to this too, as every type of part can be a bit different though still can categorized loosely, not meaning it has to fit perfectly to the box :

1. No sense of identity and, or tangible form/shape outside of performing a specific task, or hold a single memory/mood. (Shard)

2. Small sense of identity (a trait that is distinctive/distinguishable), possibly have a less blurry appearance than level 1 and still performs specific tasks, have little to no memories/range of emotions. (Shard)  

3. Mish mash of small qualities, but not enough to encapsulate an identity/personality, may have a sense of existing, and can emotionally react to environment/situation. Usually have a defined innerworld form, and may retain some memories but depends on origin, still fixed on role. (Fragment)

4. Has a developed dominant facet, which can be seen more lively and autonomous compared from level 1-3,, but still a bit rigid and have a narrow/limited view in general. Can distinguish and identify feelings, and have goals/hobbies/interests, self curiosity/exploration to function outside role. (Fragment, leaning to alter)  

5. Has a multifaceted personality in which it cannot defined by one word, fully knows its likes and dislikes, long term goals, morals, and a complex view on life. May have developed purpose outside role job, pursuing self-fulfillment. (Alter)

So in conclusion, shards are not wholly self aware and rely on current implicit memories, from my own system experience shards feels so blank, lifeless, somewhat robotic. Fragments have a partial sense of autonomy, it can rationalize and react to its own accord, reason, and learn/explore,, though had not fully know who they are. Alters are like any other usual people, where it has accumulated knowledge and experience that had shaped then throughout existing, reinforcing a faceted sense of self and purpose.

Growth to perfection..

Are you also wondering if shards and fragments can grow to an alter? The answer is, yes! Though some can be stuck in a certain stage, which is nothing to be ashamed about, and doesn't need changing.

Though, this takes a really long time and process, i note my own fragments will reach to a stage where it barely matches the loose category of an alter in 6 months, and to be a fully developed alter, it might need a whole year (okay this is my own calculations, other people will have it slower or faster).

To grow a shard towards a fragment category, my theory is that you have to interact with, and let them immerse/exprience the real world by supervision (outside of its role task) to develop more environmental, and self awareness. They will be very limited in terms of knowledge and names so this is a good time to start introducing these, and they may not even realize they exists themselves before sometimes,, try nudging them activities to experiment, and foods to taste, examine emotion wheel.. theres a lot to start from.

To grow a fragment to an alter, start introducing other views and complex topics, the goal here is to create a more developed understanding of life. From my experience, all my fragments have a dominant facet, e.g. angry dog vibes; and slowly let them learn how to be soft, or act more polite,, it will slowly solidify as a new facet, now capable of being kind and not always behaving threatening/i-will-still-bite-you attitude to every situation, as it now can be more flexible which facet it should use depending on situation.

Last words..

So, you are now an educated spiderman who can not only point out, but understand the basics of why,, and how to grow a part to have a better sense of awareness!

Let me know in the comments, i would like to hear why the part you had specifically picked/chose is possibly a shard/fragment/alter from your own reasoning and interactive mini discussion with me,, lets finally put them into real practice yeah?

Also, Happy Valentines, *offers you a free heart chocolate*

- j, your educational fiancée

[ganondoodle]

seeing all the crazy stuff people build in totk kinda ... it feels like that is also a factor in why it turned out like this, like the insane things people did in botw and the (i keep saying devs when i actually mean the directors .. producers?) directors saw it and build totk just around letting people do it all 100 times more

to be clear, i think its impressive as hell what some people build (i just saw like .. a movie scene with a functioning mech gozilla and tanks made with totks building stuff ... what the fuck) and those things go pretty viral (understandibly so) but i also gotta question

as creative, free, and impressive as it is ... should that have been the focus in a zelda game? like .. is building mechas and tanks like that something that should be in a zelda game? can it be in there without inevitably sacrificing so much else? theres building games just for that? and if you want to make it zelda themed you can make it a spin off?

like i get it, people did crazy things in botw, they saw what people had fun with and dialed it up to a 1000 in totk, which in itself is not bad, even pretty good if you consider gamedevs and feeback and all that bc in general you should embrace what people had fun with in your game even if it wasnt the intent, given that nintendy listens to feedback (perhaps even a bit too much at times) and creative solutions was a central point to botw design philosophy but

i feel like totk kinda .. missed the balance?

if its really a reason why totk is build around enabling that in a purely player centered toy box kind of way without it actually mattering in the story .. or even themes ... was it worth it? not to sound like an oldschool boomer tm but in a franchise that iconic, lore and story focused, should you really abandon nigh all lore/story cohesion just to give the player a big box of toys in a world where i feel that doesnt ,, really belong? in a direct sequel in the same world with the same characters no less? that point is perhaps the biggest issue with it, bc again lots of games even if somwhat a sequel, had strange new tech or things in the world but in all of those cases it was some alternative universe, millenia after the other game, or on an entire different continent; while totk is supposedly just a few years after botw in the very same hyrule

(still doesnt explain the erasing of all shiekah things and replacing it with sonau- tho suddendly revealing the shiekah had actual rockets, wheels with suspension and grenade-launchers, might have been confusing too- you could have enabled the player creativity with shiekah too imo, and personally i would have found it way more fun ... lil guardian leg crawlies ..)

having thought about it feels rather logical why they did it in alot of ways, but also ... totk is build around it, while its also not build around it at all- its build around the PLAYER, not the world, not the story, not the theme, not the character, but YOU (especialyl those that dont realyl care about anythign story or lore stuff and just want to have fun with the gameplay loop, which isnt wrong, but i question whether thats the right kind if player to center in a zelda game .... also not saying all of those that build these crazy things are like that but- ... i hope you know what i mean)

(i know games are always build around the player, or should be, but .. do you get what i mean????? playing in a world that doesnt make sense anymore bc its all a box of toys yeeted into my face isnt fun to me, bc im here not only for gameplay fun but for the world .. theme .. characters, its something that has to be harmonical as a whole for me and totk just .. isnt)

i say it alot but i do really mean it, its very difficult to get my thoughts and feelings written out and to have them come across correctly

[the-s1lly-corner]

Oooh idk if someone already asked for it but what about how TADC cast would react if they were under a mistletoe with their S/O

TADC cast x reader under the mistletoe!

i know i literally just said that i was going to post because i just came down from a little..... emotional high (negative) but i feel too guilty not answering stuff today so im probably going to answer this and a few more simply because im going to feel so guilty if i dont do anything today which is just going to make me feel worse than i already do so uhuhuhuhuh... jack stauber coming in clutch rn i know i usually answer stuff in the order of them being sent in but to do a silly compromise for my silly people pleaser mindset im going to knock out the ones that are easier for me sooooooo

CAINE:

oh you just know that hes the one who planted the mistletoe in the first place.... i mean as soon as he found out about the tradition, assuming he didnt already know.. i just know hes going to do whatever he can to get you under it. does he know that he can ask for a kiss? yes! but he wants to be festive and do some traditions and stuff! gives you the biggest "kiss" he can give you when you finally get stuck together under one... probably knocks you back a little bit from how enthusiastic he is...

POMNI:

very shy about it, i think she would give you a cheek kiss rather than a mouth kiss, especially if there are other people around. pomni doesnt strike me as the type to one to full on kiss their partner when theres an audience, so i hope you can understand her aversion! its not that she doesnt want to kiss you, shes just shy about the eyes watching the two of you... though, she would be more inclined to do it if it were just the two of you in the area!

RAGATHA:

honestly she looks like she would love christmas. i dont know why and i cant explain why. so i think she would love most of the activities and traditions surrounding it. and yes, this includes the mistletoe! i think for most of these, the mistletoe would be hung up by caine to really sell the festive mood.... and ragatha likely wouldnt have planned this, but inevitably you guys get under it at the same time. not as against PDA as some of the others, i think, so i think she would give you a very gentle kiss on your lips. very bashful if you beat her to it, though. kind of folds her hands together and digs her foot into the ground... you know the stance, hopefully.. kind of swaying a little while her face is burning up

JAX:

probably makes a big stink of it, whether trying to deny the kiss or to lean into it. i can honestly see both... does NOT let you be the one to initiate the kiss, since while he hates PDA, i think he hates it more when hes on the receiving end. say it all the time, its a vulnerability thing for him. he doesnt like other people seeing him flustered... now will a simple kiss from you make him pink in the face? probably not, but he would rather not risk it! plus, he wants to take this as a moment to tease you! will not let you live it down if you even get the slightest bit embarrassed from whatever hes going to do under that mistletoe

KINGER:

think i mentioned this in the kiss cam request, but kinger is not against giving you kisses when theres an audience. like he wont full on make out with you in front of others (ignoring the fact that he doesnt have a mouth, much less a functional one) but i am a firm believer that he and other characters with a nontraditional mouth just nuzzle into your face in place of kisses... hmm... probably make a big show of asking if he can go ahead, afterall hes royalty! whats a royal without chivalry! very gently presses where his mouth would be against your lips for a few seconds before walking you guys to where ever you were planning to go before someone stopped you and alerted you both of the mistletoe above. generally very sweet and dorky, i think

ZOOBLE:

does not like giving or receiving affection in public, the furthest they are willing to go is hand holding and simple name calling.... if no one is around when you guys are under the mistletoe, theyre more than willing to let you have your kiss, but if theres even one person around, theyre going to show a little aversion to it... on one hand i want to say that they might suck it up and lean into their "its whatever" attitude, but i dont feel... like that suits them, and on top of that whats the point if someone is clearly not having fun/not comfortable, you know? so theyre more likely to gently reject you... though i like to think that they make up for it by giving you a kiss behind closed doors!

GANGLE:

freezes like a deer in headlights when someone loudly announces that you guys stopped together under a mistletoe, the eyes of her mask going wide and her mouth just going straight... if she has her comedy mask, she might be a little less.. frozen, but not by much... but with her tragedy mask? nope, shes totally still and quiet, poor thing.... you almost feel bad, so really theres a chance you just take her away from the scene rather than kissing her.... doesnt like being put on the spot for things like that, especially if the person alerting you guys of the mistletoe is making a huge scene (either caine or jax... though with caine it would be more so lighthearted fun with no malice, whereas jax is just being jax)

[slipperyskell]

Man I’m gonna be completely honest: I don’t really care if Monty killed Bonnie or not at this point, but with the evidence we’re given in Ruin (not counting the lil story we get on the gator gondola ride because regardless of what the truth is, that was a [very cute] cover up story for whatever actually happened), there are some things seriously not lining up with Monty being the one to kill him.

First off: Bonnie’s last location was in Gator Golf. How the hell did he end up dying in Bonnie Bowl? Which is what happened, you can see where his head hit the wall + the broken bowling ball around Bonnie’s head, too. And it’s not like he could have been dragged from Gator Golf to Bonnie Bowl - afaik they’re pretty far apart from each other and the cameras would have caught it.

Secondly, and I think this is really important: Monty didn’t get his claws until AFTER Bonnie disappeared. Not to mention that Bonnie had claws to help him play the bass, too. It’s clearly stated that those claws are very good at wrecking shit, but there’s no way something without them could have ripped through Bonnie that easily. That being said, there are very clear claw marks on Bonnie’s chest, with three fingered claws. Personally I don’t think that’s green paint smudged around the injury since paint chipping doesn’t work like that from what I understand, but it might be plastic rub from the casings instead? Or even just dirt tbh - I haven’t played the game myself but looking at pictures/videos of it, it doesn’t really look like that same bright green that Monty or any of the bots are painted with.

Obviously the PeePaw Parts theory doesn’t hold up anymore since none of Bonnie’s Parts are missing, and imo it can be taken either way whether FazEnt actually found Bonnie. They mention him being decommissioned in one of the notes in base game, but that could be a matter of them never finding him and just assuming that’s what happened. It’s implied that ALL of the bots use AI to function, and it’s also implied that Bonnie’s disappearance happened a while before the events of SB, so while I think it’s a little bit of a stretch, it could be that the wet floor bots found him and stayed with him, but being in a hidden room, none of the human employees did.

Despite the Mimic’s prowess, I think it’s very unlikely that it had anything to do with Bonnie’s death as it was pretty clearly stated that it was trapped under the plex for a very long time, before the plex was even built. So unless it he hacked into another animatronic - which is very likely given that’s pretty much the entire plot of SB in the first place - don’t think it had anything to do with it directly (as in it put on Monty’s casings and killed Bonnie as a red herring situation)

Then you have the whole thing with Bonnie’s glowing eyes, which has only really been associated with bots being possessed (and that secret room in SB where you gotta take a picture of all the old cutouts of the gang). Was Bonnie possessed? Did the soul and the AI not merge well and cause him to go mad before taking himself out?

Then we have the whole thing with the MXES security system!!! All that rabbit imagery and the fact that the Glamrocks were a part of that system as well as being under the Mimic’s control, I can’t help but feel like there was some sort of mix-up.

I really don’t know what this all means or where I’m going with this.I think it’s possible that Monty was actually the one who killed him, but only because there really isn’t any evidence (or lack thereof) to say it could have been anyone else. That being said, theres a lot of things not adding up in that story (Bonnie’s last location being gator golf when he’s actually in bonnie bowl + Monty not having his claws installed until AFTER Bonnie’s disappearance being the big ones). If Monty was actually the one to hbe done it, I think it’s possible he may not have done it intentionally/maliciously - I think it’s possible that the mimic had assumed Bonnie was tied to MXES system and killed him through Monty or one of the other animatronics.

It’s really hard to say tbh!!! I’m just more interested in the “why” than the “who” at this point.

[placeinthisworld]

ttpdta review part one 🤠

let me preface this by stating that i am a swiftie first and person second in this situation. i have grown up with taylor and feel as if shes my big sister- yes i can make fun of her but if i see anyone else do it i will get fiercely protective. i do understand her music is not only art but also her form of therapy. that being said, throughout these nonsense notes i am constantly mentioning that taylor should go to therapy. i am aware of what she has said about therapy (and why she doesn’t go) but i would beg to differ with her…especially after this album release lol.

taylor is an extraordinary storyteller and song writer. i believe this album is full of evidence of that, but it also has some faults that prevent from being as good as i felt like it could have been. overall the album feels rushed.

i also feel like it’s important to recognize the elephant in the room. i know we probably all expected this to be a joe breakup album, so the fact that it turned out to be a “fuck you matty healy” album shook us all a little bit. i know matty had a controversial history, im not gonna sit here and defend him. i don’t know much about him other than what is forced against my will. i do however know that he struggles with mental health issues/ substance abuse/ addiction. i’m not gonna comment much about his personal issues, i don’t feel like that’s right and taylor’s constant references to drugs throughout ttpd definitely rubs me the wrong way. i should also mention i grew up with an active addict and do view things from that perspective, so i feel slightly triggered by the topic and my feelings about that may just be personal but i do mention that in my notes when it’s relevant.

lastly, i am not a music production girlie idk shit lol. i only know i am a aaron dessner stan so any song with his name im already biased towards and i am aware, if u don’t like that idk what to tell u lol. i just know what i feel like is “good” or “bad” but music is subjective🫶🏻

1. Fortnight:

Hate the functional alcoholic part. Like the beat, the chorus is catchy. One thing i love about a taylor swift song is that theres always a story and its always visual. I like the metaphor of the “good neighbors” of like having this teasing/ longing feeling for someone that you could have had a life with. “Your wife waters flowers/ i want to kill her + my husbands cheating/ i want to kill him” feeling like you were robbed of her life, feeling “all my mornings are mondays stuck in an endless february” reminiscing about the short period of time where you were together and convinced it would last forever (only for it to end before it even started). I do not listen to much post malone but i enjoyed his verse!! So many florida references we get it everything bad happens in florida.

i have not seen the video yet oooopsies

2. Ttpd:

i thought this was the opening of Hey Stephen (the remix) or something at first. gotta say i absolutely love the way she sings “you left your typewriter at my apartment/ straight from the tortured poets department” i enjoyed the vibe of this song, and lyrics up until the “you smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate (OKAY SOOOOOOO ME CODED NGL I LAUGHED at this point i could let this lyric slide- bit then she had to mention the charlie puth and golden retriever thing and ngl it almost ruins the song entirely for me. Tbh when i first listened to the leak i thought this was a fake AI song and that i was sending around a fake leak bc these lyrics started to get a little weird to me. ‘Sometimes i wonder if youre gonna screw this up with me/ but you told lucy you’d kill yourself if i ever leave” …………girl i am begging you to see a therapist (side note did anyone else have a friend in hs whos bf would say that shit a lot?? I remember straight up fighting with a friend who refused to break up w her bf bc he would threaten to end his own life is she did and he was like 16? If an adult is saying that same shit i would be Very concerned not gossiping about it???) “i chose this cyclone with you” my first reaction was: ride the cyclone the musical? Overall i liked the first half but you lost me at charlie puth (hes the one with eyebrow right? I think i get him and miles teller mixed up) (i dont know who either of these men are)

3. My boy only breaks his favorite things:

Okay tbh i thought this was gonna be one of my least favorites, but the total opposite happened. I think this is one of my top 5 favorites on this album. I do think that there is a difference between a poem and a song and that they are not always interchangeable. I feel like if this was edited into a poem it would be KILLER. The visuals, the the story, the vocabulary, the sadness in it. “Im queen of sandcastles he destroys/ There was danger in the heat of my touch/ once i fix me/ hes gonna miss me/ i felt more when we played pretend then with all the kens / cause he took me out of my box” i feel like ever since folklore, taylors been trying to push these big fancy words and sometimes it feels awkward and forced, but this is one of the rare songs that doesn't suffer from that.

4. Down bad:

meh. Chorus is catchy. I dont love the narrative “fuck it if i cant have him/ i might just it would make no difference” but i also have never once experienced that over a person before lmao……….taylor go to therapy. Nothing really stands out about this to me otherwise. No offense, but it sounds like a generic jack antonoff song lol. Like maybe if another artist released this, i would enjoy it more but idk i wouldnt expect it from taylor i guess. Just kinda feels boring to me sorry if u enjoy it <3

5. So long, london:

oh man were done with british men now for real for real. “ two graves one gun. I'll find someone” its over for joe and matty (but thats fine if all she has to say about joe is what i think she said on this album i am happy i think We Get It…) Aaron dessner i love u (remember when he reposted me on his ig ahh).��i kept calm and carried the weight of the rift/ pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away” + “I stopped trying to make him laugh/ stopped trying to drill the safe/ i didnt opt in to be our odd man out/ im pissed off you let me give you all of that youth for free” oof i FELT that one a LITTLE too hard. I think this is both a song about matty and joe- i think she had a life and an attachment to london just in general through both relationships, “im just mad as hell because i loved this place” and so reflecting back on how both are over and how all those plans with either are done. “You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days” OKAY kinda hate this phrase bc it feels like shes placing blame on whomever’s mental health/ depression, like as if they made the conscious decision to sacrifice the relationship solely. This very much feels like “how much sadness did you think i could take before i got bored???” overall top favorite songs bc it doesnt have too many cringey or odd lyrics and the production is 10/10 thank u aaron dessner ilysm king

6. But daddy i love him:

tbh when i got the leak this was the first song i listened to bc i thought it was gonna be the worst one and i wanted to get it over with (i was RIGHT until she dropped that second half……..) and i DIDNT have the lyrics obviously so i couldnt for the life of me figure out if she really said “im having his baby…..NO IM NOT!” until the VERY end of the song and bro…….the cringe. The cringe. The cringe. This is also when i started to question if this was real or if i was passing out a fake leak, lol. I dont understand how she could be saying this shit about matty. And like we all know it lol. “Sometimes growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all” …….but like does it??? I feel like thats kinda an oxymoron or something like i understand what shes trying to say and MOST of the time her metaphors and comparisons make sense to me but like this one doesnt. Growing up precocious means to grow up more advanced in maturity, how would that also mean not growing up at all? Is it just me getting stoned and overthinking things? “Ill tell you something about my good name/ its mine alone to disgrace” true that bestie ur doin a great job by being so politically quiet over the past couple of yeats after making a whole asss documentary about wanting to be on the right side of history. But I digress i am just one of those bitches performing soliloquies you'll never see. Overall this song is very weird and cringey imo and i wish it stayed in whatever vault it was sitting in lol.

7.Fresh out of the slammer: “In the shade of how he was feeling” -_- dont like this narrative already. I could honestly go on a rant about why i dont like this song but im going to spare for the sake of my sanity in this review of thirty one fucking songs but its along these lines “to the one who says im the girl of his american dreams” oh brother. otherwise i dont care for many of the lyrics, the chorus/ melody/vibe is mid i guess. It sounds like another jack song (i was right)

8. Florida!!!: “all my friends smell like weed or little babies” okay i know what she was trying to say but im SORRY you cant tell me she couldnt think of ANY other way to say her friends are either parents partiers lmao. Deserves jail for that but luckily the vibe and the chorus of the song are really catchy and florence’s voice is beautiful in it. “Well me and my ghost we had a hell of a time/ yes im haunted but im feeling just fine” CHILLS i loved it. I didnt think i would like this song but (maybe as much as i like no body, no crime which is meh) but no i lowkey love this song and think its really fun. Once again the drug references start to get heavy here in the album and like i mentioned i do get slightly triggered by drug mentions.

9. Guilty as sin?:

okay taylor we get it you masterbate. Another strong jack song and it’s pretty similar to others on the album so nothing besides the sexual lyrics stand out.

10. Whos afraid of little old me?:

“if you wanted me dead you should have just said/ nothing makes me feel more alive” ooooooooooh i love that. I feel like a live or an acoustic version of this song would give me CHILLS. “Is it a wonder i broke / lets hear one more joke/ then we can all laugh until i cry” honestly so relatable, “i was tame, i was gentle til the circus life made me mean” oh :( that hurt bc it just reminds me of the vibe shift during midnights era/ eras tour where it *feels* like she started to pull back from being taylor swift and started to become Taylor Swift (™) and the way her fans/ media has treated her made her mean or cold or something and that just makes me feel sad. “Whos afraid of little old me? You caged me and then you called me crazy! I am what i am cause you trained me! SO. WHOS. AFRAID. OF ME? Again the narcotics line kinda makes me feel icky but thats bc i have that thing about drugs and just dont LOVE all the references to them. Like i know its not that serious but theres a reason why i dont seek out artists that typically talk or write about that stuff ya know so its weird. Overall i think the production is one of the most unique ones on this part of the album.

11. I can fix him (no really i can):

i hate it all around i think. I hate the narrative of “i can fix him!! I can handle a dangerous man!!! No really i can!!!” there is a reason why this song is barely 3 mins long lol it should have been cut but i think taylor wanted to Be Edgy. i dont care for the productions or the lyrics, its very forgetful imo.

12. Loml:

okay i really thought this was gonna be a joe song (rip) so i was thinking it was gonna be really deep and sad and like it IS but with the context of it being the pt 2 fling with matty it doesnt seem like it now. Anyone who thinks this is not about matty please look at the lyrics and be so serious “whos gonna stop us from waltzing back into reklndled flames/ if we know the steps anyway” I think matty just said too much shit to taylor during their fling and taylor WAS truly convinced this her invisible string and he promised her a lot that he couldnt upkeep and ghosted her and she took it SUPER hard, i mean two breakups in one year is a lot (me, whos never been through a single breakup once). I just dont understand how she feels like matty is the greatest loss of her life. One of my favorite tracks on the album, “our field of dreams engulfed in fire/ your arsons match your somber eyes” a LOT of these lyrics are actually really good imo. I think im the only one that didnt find the “mr. steal your girl and make her cry” line idk i thought it was actually kinda neat, the phrasing of it, kinda contradicts the title “love of my life” because he was never that serious or respectful of her and only use her from the beginning. This is another song that i think would make KILLER poem over song. Overall i think the piano is haunting and a live version of this will make me die, thank u again aaron dessner 10/10

13. I can do it with a broken heart:

ngl i thought this was the opening to mastermind for a hot second- also gave me a scare on whether or not this was a fake leak lol. Catchy ass chorus but very YOYOK. “Breaking down i hit the floor/ All the pieces of me shattered/ as the crowd was shouting “more!” ooffffffff seeeeee that is exactly WHAT i was afraid she was feeling durning the eras tour after the joe breakup/ matty situation and all these stupid twitter and tik tok swiffers were out here overanalyzing EVERYTHING and demanding rep tv like every other day. “Im so depressed i act like its my birthday” …….okay taylor. Like a lot of people have said, i think she interchanges “depressed” for “sad” a lot and the two are not the same. I think taylor wrote this song (but specifically the “i cry a lot time but i am so productive” and was like “yup this part is gonna go viral on tik tok,” initially i wrote “feels like taylor saw that depression barbie commercial in barbie 2023 and wrote a song based on that” lol which i still agree with. Overall the production of this screams midnights reject lol, very jack antonoff. Over time this song has grown on me a lot. Originally i didnt care for it but now its kind of a bop but i think its bc its so similar to YOYOK. “Try and come for my job” @taylorswift deadass you couldn’t think of anything else to say instead. cmon. I was mostly on board until that very last part, just seemed very cheesy lol like its not a big deal but i thought it delivered well without it.

14. The smallest man who ever lived:

(aaron thank u for saving me and this entire album) “they just ghosted you/ now you know what it feels like” OUCH. “i dont even want you back i just want you to know/ if rusting my sparkling was the goal/ and i dont miss what we had but can someone give/ a message to the smallest man who ever lived” oh this was somber af. I am obsessed with the phrasing of the chorus. I also LOVE taylors deeper voice its def giving me the same feelings MTR gave me from folklore, that made me CRY and this was very similar. This is another classic taylor song that i could EASILY write like a ten page essay about if someone put a gun to my head. I know that its about a *romantic* relationship, but it feels general enough to be able to relate to anyone who is close to someone with an addiction or struggles with substances. A lot of addicts dont understand the impact of their addiction or their behaviors that they display while struggling. To meeeeee, this feels very much like “you were self centered and betrayed my trust, was any of this true? Real? Am i paranoid or is this that deep?” “it wasnt sexy once it wasnt forbidden” has me thinking lots of things. I think that describes taylors “type”if that makes sense? Like i said i would need to literally break this song down line by line like its ridiculous i have too many thoughts about this song i have listened to it on repeat six times by the time im typing this. “In public showed me off/ then sank in stoned oblivion” FUCK. “you treat her like an also-ran” honestly i have never heard of that phrase/word thank u dr. swift. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me DEAD/ did you sleep with a GUN underneath OUR BED/ were you writing a BOOK?/ were you a sleeper cell SPY? IN 5O YEARS WILL THIS BE ALL DECLASSIFIED?/ AND YOU’LL CONFESS WHY YOU DID IT!/ AND ILL SAY GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” tears were formed besties. Also love the gracie abrams reference. “And you deserve prison but you wont get time” i feel like is very metaphorical like you DESERVE to be punished for what you did to me but you won’t admit to the guilt, you wont admit your wrongdoings, you wont admit that i would have done anything for you and you have no problem replacing me. “You said normal girls were boring/ but you were gone by the morning” first of all red flag girlie, nonetheless heartbreaking. “And in plain sight you hid/ but you are what you did” i say this with all the love in my heart, someone take taylor swift to a really good really private therapist. I could say more but i think i need to move on because i am now on my eighth cyle of listening to this song.

15. The alchemy:

already kinda hate it. “What if i told you im back/ the hospital was a drag/ worst sleep i ever had” do you think taylor swift has ever been admitted to a real hospital in this context. Feels very out of place and like i said earlier i dont love the psych ward visuals/ references she keeps inserting in this album. “He jokes its heroin but this time with an e” thanks! I fucking hate that line so much. Feels very icky, not funny. I get what shes going for but it falls so flat for me. The football references (yall know my opinion on meathead!!!!!!!! I will not engage!!!) are fucking dumb. Production is kinda lame and uninterested. Will only listen to this song if by force and will not repeat it ive head enough lets move on.

i have Lots Of Thoughts. i don’t think anyone cares about what i have to say though so i don’t think i’ll bother posting the rest lol but i did do a lot of work so ill post just a bit to make myself feel better.

[relaxxattack]

HI ashen quad guy again, sorry !! 😭 i got a bit busy. unskippable cutscene unlocked.

so i have noticed that , as a fandom , theres seems to be a kind of universal perception (and subsequent disregard for) of the ashen quadrant, and i have been dissecting it a little! my point essentially boils down to: ashen romance, while frequently portrayed as born purely out of social necessity, is its own fully fledged romance that should be separated from moirallegience and kismesissitude in our minds.

so with flushed and pitch romance, while born from VERY different feelings, they are both generally rooted in physical desire. and looking at the conciliatory quadrants, i feel like it is not out of line to assume they could be two very separate romances rooted in similar feelings. which in this case would be protective, pitying feelings.

so what is auspisticism? as it is defined in homestuck, it is a relationship where two trolls are for some reason unable to enter a fully fledged kismesissitude, and a third troll enters the relationship to mediate. it serves a crucial social function, though there is no reason to assume it isnt born through real romantic feelings. if we take a look at the other conciliatory quadrant, moirallegience also serves to soothe the violence highbloods are prone to, however few around these parts would deny that moirallegience is a emotionally fulfulling romantic relationship.

ashen relationships can be socially necessary when one or both inner leaves already have a kismesis, or it would threaten the social situation (ex: two coworkers attempt to become kismeses). however, it also becomes necessary when the problem is with the rivalry itself! if its unbalanced in one trolls favor, if one troll hates the other more than they do, or if the kismesissitude becomes physically dangerous for the two parties, the relationship could benefit from an auspistice.

so what would ashen feelings look like? if im being honest, i feel like a small part of the collective understanding of auspisticism comes from how polyamory tends to be portrayed. as in, the relationship is seen as one unit, rather than three individual dynamics. ashen feelings, similar to pale feelings, comes from feelings of protectiveness for another troll. in this case, two trolls! similar to kismesissitude, it comes from generally negative emotion. combining that, you end up with feelings of annoyance directed at these two trolls who will not stop going at each others throats, because holy hell cant they see this is not good for them, ok someone needs to step in here, holy shit. it is mutual irritation, and as my favorite fic of all time (miracle child by bramblepatch on ao3) says, "isn't that what an auspistice is for, to do things that he minds so that his co-auspicetee won't do things that he hates?"

in conclusion! ashen romance is so much more than just a social obligation that gets in the way of a proper kismesissitude. it can be as fulfilling as pitch and pale romance, and encompasses a WIDE range of dynamics. dynamics that could be fascinating to explore when we accept that ashen romance is its own sort of unique romantic attraction! all this to say this is how sollux ♧ karkat ♧ eridan can still win

THE END HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK LMAOO but yes all of this is really good!! ashen romance is DEFINITELY for real it’s own thing and i really like the delicate sort of “this is hate but it’s ashen hate” type of thing

like some people will sometimes represent auspisticism as like… “oh you poor guys i’m so worried about you 🥺” which. while i get where they got that from that is NOT hate, that’s pity, and the whole point of auspisticism is that it’s conciliatory hate— MOIRALLEGIANCE is conciliatory pity. ashen hate is still hate, so yeah it would be more like “what the fuck is up with you two you need to cut this shit out”.

all in all! very good analysis!! more quadrant dynamics need to be explored in general, but ESPECIALLY in the ashen department.

[dent-de-leon]

Malcolm's Circle connections:

Imari: "I'm thinking Edgar--he's going to be my Confidant...can either be Champion or Confidant. I kinda went towards Champion too because, 'This person does something to help you in your everyday life. What is it and how do you thank them?' Which, he helped me basically contain my Bleed or a reaction to the artifact and to adapt to use whatever energy affected me from it--gave me an apparatus to channel. So we've been working together. Not everyone knows what we do. We have our own secret thing, our own understanding, maybe. We're in the same room, maybe we won't say anything to each other. But when we're alone, we have maybe a different kind of relationship..."

"For Grimoria, I think my character has a little bit of a crush on her. But she's so young that it could never happen, right. But he sees her as a Muse, a person who lights up the room when they walk into it. i think he sees a strength in her that she doesn't really see in herself, a charm, a way to hide her hurt that he also has for himself. And she does that with theatrics, but we can see through it, right? But then he's also charmed by how she is tenacious, and how she's able to maintain, and I think he finds that attractive...And I think he's kind of drawn to that...but I think he's just like, you know, in another time..."

"For Synamynt, Soulmate. She's trying to understand whats going on with her mom, and you know we have our issues with family. And I've seen her around the Red Lamp, and we've kinda gotten the chance to know each other. She'd awkward, which I like, because I think it's real, and she shows me who she is so I immediately was kinda drawn to that. And we kinda got into each other's histories, and are maybe trying to help each other out with figuring out energy or channeling--I haven't worked that part out yet, but...'What characteristics in this person do you find endearing that others find odd?' Yeah, so I like that aspect of it, that I'm kinda drawn to that oddity, right."

"And then, for Mr. Leonard, for Leo--So I went with Rival. And I went with Rival cause we're from the same circle. And I know his family, and I've know him, because maybe we've been to different functions or whatever. Although I viewed my--what I viewed as my blessing, being from a powerful family...he would've looked at it a different way. So his aspirations might've been different from mine, and maybe theres...a little bit of envy, because he's a little more affable, and he's a little bit more whimsical, and he's able to let things go. And I've always been able to hold it in, and I think I've shown disdain for that--oh grow up or whatever, you know? but a part of me is also like, I wish i could let go a little more like that, be a little more free and not care as much. But I also admire the way he's able to get information...and they both got cast out of their families, so i think he feels a bit of a connection with that. They're both now black sheep. He's been exiled, I've been exiled. I've been cut off, he's been cut off--but he still has his money. They left him with money..."

[imustbenuts]

more disorganized yakuza culture bordering on religion thoughts

(finished order 7, 8, 0, k1, k2. currently at 3 ch 3)

it feels like the writer went deep into reading about buddhism and religion at one point

im not japanese but a SEAsian uh chinese/hokkien diaspora who happens to be a weab so take this with some grain of salt bc we arent a monolith here

Surface level understanding of buddhism

when it comes to gang and tattoos or in yakuza's case irezumi, theres a general consensus of tats = cool and rebellious in a culture thats largely very collectivist. so getting one is like pointing the middle finger to society

the problem is sometimes tattoos are gotten more for the aesthetics than truly understanding the deeper meaning behind it. an easy example is the dragon itself: its powerful, its strong, it comes and goes, and does good things whenever it wants to. it might get associated with buddhism but like... if you think about it for 3 seconds, it fucking falls apart for 1 reason

gods in buddhism are the maintenance crew for the world's function (rain, nature, etc), and at the same time are supposed to be as part of the cycle and pain as everyone else. meaning, gods arent inherently special, they just happen to be higher beings doing their best to escape the cycle of samsara.

so by that lens, borrowing godhood from god to elevate yourself is... uh. kinda weird. (imo at least).

yet what goes on in 2? ryuji borrows the dragon iconography and tries to achieve dragonhood. kiryu is thematically the dragon but thats kind of all that he is. hes more theme than human at this point.

in yakuza 1 and 2 theres some hint of this surface crap. the story never really goes deep enough exploring the aspects of this cycle of suffering thing. the general message seems to be, suffering happens and builds character. which fucking sucks.

but thats not the real point of the buddhist message. its more suffering is unavoidable, so do your best to reduce it for yourself and others, and roll with it.

The gap and the growth between 1, 2 and 7, 8

looking at 7 and 8 in contrast to 1 and 2 and i think its clearly buddhist as fuck: kasuga ichiban is framed as jesus, but in some buddhist interpretations, jesus qualifies as a boddhisattva, ie someone who clears the condition of escaping samsara but chooses to stay behind to help. and thats what ichiban does. he doesnt judge, he refuses to play into classism bullshit, and forces people to look past it.

buddhism was originally a breakaway from hinduism. where hinduism had a whole caste system forcing people into tiers, buddhism tried breaking it. (and then medieval japan's government turned it into shinto buddhism and shoved everyone into a caste system themself... yeesh.)

meanwhile, in gaiden, kiryu has this bit where he meditates as a monk for enlightenment.

makes me wonder if the writer tried to do something similar and exactly how much buddhist stuff did they read at one point....

oh btw

Kiryu and Kasuga's theme. Dragon and Not-Dragon

ok i fucking caught this:

kiryu is the rain dragon isnt he? hes always associated with rain in yakuza 1 and 2, in an era where rendering rain for cinematic purposes is a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.

theres a few types of dragons out there but the uhhh oldest? traditional-est? one is the association with rain and storms. originally bc ppl in the past thought lightning strikes and flashes looks a lot like mythical creatures, and eventually the whole eastern dragon came about with that association.

meanwhile kasuga's kanji name reads as spring day. i am looking directly into the camera at this theming. hes the sunny spring day that comes after the storm. the story will be far kinder to him than kiryu.

so even though dragons are supposed to be strong and good fortune to be seen, and are benevolent and etc, they are again more theme than person.

theres even a real trend where everyone wants to borrow the dragon aesthetic to look cool, big, strong, fortuitous and lucky, be it in tattoos, irezumi, ritual, traditions or propaganda (chinese nationalism stuff). what i mean is people will have babies on the year of the dragon on purpose, wear the dragon and give more preferential treatment to their child/grandchild born on the year of the dragon.

everyone worships the dragon and takes its scales to wear, but no one thinks of the dragon as a creature. as a living thing.

meanwhile ichiban's irezumi cant even be called a dragon. maybe a mermaid. but not a dragon. and in that regard i feel like he's escaped from a fucking curse.

Carrying the cross

some other bits i picked up also. kazuki and daigo, and their crosses

shinto buddhism is the default in japan. but more SHINTO than buddhism, mind, bc buddhism is something people seek out these days rather than be taught bc its too super fucking esoteric. meanwhile, christianity is the minor religion. while some people do think of it negatively (due to instances of cults), it is by no means a mystery or exotic or even so minor that its rare.

anyway thing is. in these specific characters' cases, im 99% sure they signify a desire to walk away from their old self and past. bc of the baptism thing.

in buddhism, theres nothing to absolve one of their past. theres a strong emphasis on change instead, so its more of acceptance rather than discard.

which is. hm. idk what daigo's major deal is but from 2 -> 8 he seems like he ate a lot of shit along the way, guessing from his acala irezumi and name. and that the cross isnt a big thing in his character design anymore: it reads a little like he stopped running away from his family history.

(incidentally shinto is very responsible for the conservative classism in japan historically speaking, which is why its not a very strong thing in rgg setting. basically, strong Cleanliness and Dirtiness ideas, and guess which side of our night life, criminal and ex yakuza mcs falls under :') )

anyway im nuts bye

[sysinfodump]

First off I love this blog so much already!! We’ve been looking for a space to share info about our system cause it’s a big hyperfixation for us so we’re very excited to see your blog grow and hear other people talk about their experience with being a system!!

I feel like I should start this rant off by saying that we are a recognized system. We are polyfragmented and we have DID. Just saying that because I get nervous when posting these kinds of things! But for the info-dump bit of this…this is going to be extremely wordy and a little overly descriptive… Our inner world is super interesting to me. We’re still working on developing a full understanding since we’re still fairly new to exploring it but it’s a very cool set up. We have multiple areas where theres housing for some alters, they get to choose where they live and who they live with. As far as I know there’s no real reason why some areas exist beyond making some alters feel more comfortable in the inner world! We have cities with apartments, neighborhoods, and in some areas we have housing that’s a little more unnatural or unorthodox (some kind of look like baskets hanging from trees and others are just kind of wonky…kinda hard to explain.) We also have ways of transport in the inner world like trains and cars and things like that. Another thing I find interesting is the fact that a lot of things that work in real life or just outside of the inner world also work in it too. We have ways to communicate with each other (computers and phones and things like that), we have TVs, and are able to eat foods. I don’t know if that’s something other systems experience but that’s how some parts of headspace work for us and I find that cool. We don’t need to eat or drink to survive in headspace obviously but if we want we can. Also, we can interact with each other really well in there and so much happens in the innerworld literally all the time/pos

I'm also very happy to see how the blog is growing up, I thought we won't be able to make it far, but it looks like people like the idea and want to talk about their system

Your headspace sounds really cool, like a surrealistic but at the same time realistic version of the outside and real world!!

Cities with housing is something I kinda see a lot when talking about headspace, though the basket like house caught me off guard /pos

But functional technology and ways of transport? I never heard of that! Sounds so cool and amazing! Your inner world seem to replicate very well external daily life things if you can have those things functioning

And about eating and drinking? We also can do that, obviously alters don't need that to survive if they're not fronting but sometimes is good being able to eat something and have like a phantom taste of what that drink or food tastes like, or at least that's what we experience

The interaction part seems common, after all the inner world is a place where alters can interact with each other and it's a tool for communication and amnesic barriers

That's a very interesting inner world, what you told us is very likable!!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

hi S ok you definitely dont have to answer this bc its basically just me venting and its pretty lame haha but im curious if its something you've ever dealt with or if u have advice... basically i have diagnosed ASD and marvel is my special interest and has been since i was a kid and im pretty positive its going to stay my favorite thing for the rest of my life lol. and sometimes i get so sooo sad and kinda lonely thinking about the fact that like .. i know its basically still one of the biggest fandoms out there but like all my favorite fics were posted like 5-10 years ago mostly from authors that arent even in the fandom anymore and theres never gonna be another movie with steve and bucky together that everyone gets excited about and wants to talk about and theres also just so much less of a fun goofy little tight knit community for stucky on tumblr and online like ... idk i just miss so bad when the mcu was at its peak and there was so much content to consume and so many people passionate about it... and i know theres definitely still a huge presence and like im so thankful that youre an author that i love thats still super active and im always glad to visit your page and to see that theres still so many fans out there that care and wanna interact yknow. but tumblrs different now and its been like ten years since peak stucky content and the actors are all doing their own thing now idk it just makes me sad 😩😩 i feel like such a loser saying it i swear i have other interests and an irl life that is very fruitful and lovely hahaha its just makes me a bit frustrated at my autism because i know i wont be able to ever really stop loving these characters even as others move on

Hey, sweets!

I understand what you mean and you're not a loser, not at all. It's fucking great to have an interest in something, anything--what else is life for? You gotta have something to be focused on and interested in that gives you joy, otherwise, what is there? Just blandness. And, yeah, Marvel fandom is still very much active and that's wonderful and great! But, it's also true that it will never be the same as it was in its heyday. Personally, I wasn't around when the stucky fandom was exploding along the release of CA:TWS/the general MCU height, but I certainly see all the old art, edits, cosplay, etc. that's still reblogged and I've read so many of the fics from years prior, so I have a grasp of what was happening. And I can totally see how you'd miss generally, but especially if your fixation has attached deeply to these characters.

I have a sibling on the autism spectrum (who's old enough to have been diagnosed with Aspergers's syndrome before that was phased out but they are, of course, on the spectrum regardless of arbitrary hierarchical labels that I will restrain from ranting about because I fucking hate that shit, don't talk to me about "high functioning" ugh) and they have a few different life-long hyperfixations as well. So, you're not alone, but, it is hard to think of any actual advice per se. I think you're already doing what you need to be doing, y'know? You're here and enjoying what is going on now, connecting to blogs that are active, finding space where you can talk about these characters, you've got other things to do that also capture your attention, and, of course, you know you're sad about what isn't going on anymore. It's okay to be sad. You can't control what you're passionate about in the same way you can't control who you fall in love with. Are these silly little fictional characters not just people we've fallen in love with a little or a lot, no matter if they don't "exist"? I love that for us. Humans are so cute and full of love.

Fandoms and people change and sometimes it fucking sucks when it happens, sometimes it's great. Either way, it's part of the ecosystem of life. Water and nutrients and air and sun--it makes people change, it makes them grow, and you're allowed to be sad about what they used to be, you just have to keep growing, too. Remember what they were and know who they are now.

Hopefully, something in there helped you feel better, even if it was just from telling someone how you feel.

[sameteeth]

anyways, i do think its really interesting that chuuya figures out that dazai was putting pieces into place to get him ousted from the sheep like a month ahead of time... its also really interesting to consider WHY dazai did it and the implications it carries. dazai watches shirase and yuan pressure and guilt chuuya about "doing his part" for the sheep as a person with an ability, then immediately takes action to relieve pressure from chuuya

which is kinda funny bc dazai at least in the short term is following what shirase is saying - dazai has the ability to help save the hostages, and he does lol. demon prodigy indeed. MORE IMPORTANTLY though. dazai recognizes that chuuya is being controlled by the sheep even though he is the leader. chuuya and mori make good comparisons here - this arc starts with mori bemoaning his responsibility as the boss of the port mafia, and we see chuuya consistently failing to do his responsibility as the leader of the sheep. he even denies the title of king, stating that it's only his ability that puts him above the rest. to digress a bit, i think this is partly why when chuuya joins the port mafia he so quickly submits to them - he is no longer the sole ability user, and thus the responsibility doesnt rely entirely on him to protect the group. something to be said here about the way bsd almost never touches on the ability user vs non-ability user dichotomy but ill save that. back to the main point. dazai takes it upon himself to free chuuya from the sheep. he acknowledges the limitations chuuya has to function under as the leader of the sheep and the weight of the responsibility he bears for no reason other than his ability

but then! dazai forces chuuya into the port mafia to save him from the sheep ! doesnt that seem contradictory??? isnt that hypocritical? chuuya seems pissed about it!

granted, I'd be pissed too if my friends stabbed me with a switch covered in rat poison then tried to gun me down. regardless, chuuya can see how dazai set him up to be outcast from the sheep without having to break the tie himself. chuuya is loyal to the sheep, even when they distrust him. But! this gives chuuya a chance to escape, even if it's to the port mafia. i think the important thing to focus on here is that the port mafia is an Actual organization made up of adults. the sheep are a bunch of kids, ones that are easily led. the limited pieces we see of them are shirase and yuan, who throw temper tantrums and try to clumsily manipulate chuuya when he doesn't listen to them. they admit to stealing alcohol from mafia-adjacent territory and just generally seem immature... because theyre kids. but what we see of the mafia is much different. mori is a strong leader because he is smart and rational. he thinks ahead. he, unlike chuuya, is the leader because he wants to protect yokohama, and understands the sacrifice necessary to do so. chuuya is the leader because no one could beat him in a fight. the port mafia offers a chance for growth (ignoring that these are children in the mafia ok play with me here) as a fighter and as a leader - chuuya becomes an exec when he's still a teenager i think (theres not a specific age anywhere i can find) and is a much more calm and smart fighter once he joins.

so it's good (play with me) that chuuya is able to join the port mafia. BUT he would never have been able to leave if dazai had not forced his hand. this paradox - the idea that chuuya obtains freedom from being forced to leave something he doesn't want to - is SUPER interesting to consider !! here i will dissolve into rambles. i learned about this paradox in the context of mary wollstonecraft and the vindication of the rights of women - wollstonecraft believed only educated people could truly be free, as they were not only free of oppression but also no longer slaves to their emotions, and were able to have opportunities and use their education for their own betterment. the situation with chuuya reminded me of this, because with the sheep chuuya had no one to rely on or to teach him, limiting his capacity for growth and ultimately his freedom. the sheep were reliant on him for protection, and feared him, but chuuya had everything to lose if he were to try and leave the sheep. he had nothing without them, and they needed him for his power. but they were beholden to their emotions, immature and uncertain how to actually get power. their primary motivators for action are retaliation - dazai mentions this when chuuya attacks him, and shirase and yuan mention this when they are urging chuuya to help them. but when chuuya talks to mori and koyo (<3) about their actions, both of them are much more forward thinking than that. mori is very cunning and sly, and koyo tells chuuya that even if things go south in the meeting she's taking him to to, they know how to move forward. chuuya's world has expanded beyond the sheep's limited gaze.

of course, he's still trapped in the port mafia, but if you REALLY want to discuss free will..... we'll be here all fucking night. free will is really hard to pin down and i always have to talk about determinism and its a lot to wrap ur head around and i just like drawing connections between stuff i like

[rxttenfish]

Vampire hater? I that vampires were objectively perfect metaphors for predators?

I've always thought there was a lot of fun stuff they can be used for. Can your tirade be today?

lol. lmfao. i think vampires remain god awful metaphors for predators the second you know anything about predation or how it happens in nature.

okay lets start with the parasite bit because thats easier for me. parasitism is also a little bit of a... non-definition too, and technically is just another form of predation too (much like how we should probably define herbivores as predators too because plants are alive and just as alive as animals and the actual mechanics of herbivory is better understood that way but Oh Well i cant even get people to understand that reptiles are alive so plants are a no-go), so all im really talking about is disputing a certain idea of how they behave as predators. for the purposes of this, lets define parasitism as a form of predation that consumes prey in units of less than one.

for one, in a significant chunk of media, a vampire preying on a human usually kills that human. im assuming for this that the amount of blood they need is just equivalent to one human, rather than getting into the supernatural weeds of why this kills the human. you could also just assume the vampire is incompetent and dispatches the prey due to not know how to feed on blood and NOT, but thats bad for the species if all vampires do that.

this is BAD for a parasite. parasites do not actually want to kill their hosts. why would they? for most parasites, the host is not only their source of food but their HOUSE, their source of everything in the world. sure, never leaving the host makes reproduction a complicated mess, but thats the price you pay for getting literally everything handed to you on a silver platter. a parasite is not designed to leave the host, or not for long, and usually makes use of intermediate hosts to do so anyways, minimizing non-host time. did you know most parasites dont actually have any adaptations to manage their body temperature? because if they live inside a host body, then they can just use the hosts body temperature in the first place, nice and perfect for them.

high parasite loads in single hosts are not actually good for the parasite, anyways. anything that effects host health isnt good for the parasite, actually, because they run on such a fine line of "host is healthy and happy = even better food and house for me!" and "host cannot be TOO healthy and happy, because then their immune system has an even better chance to kick me out and kill me (at the same time ofc)"

vampires that just... kill their host upon first contact with said host are not being very good parasites. theyre bad parasites actually. why are you burning your own fields. the blood comes BACK.

but this is when you say, ah! but what if theyre like mosquitos and vampire bats and other forms of parasites that dont live inside their hosts body!

one, you still have the issue of STOP KILLING YOUR DAMN HOSTS. stop removing food sources for yourself in the future!!! but also, theres a reason vampire bats are so fucking weird for deciding to become obligate sangivores as tetrapods, and its because blood is a pretty shitty source of nutrition. its high in certain things, sure, but also it is crucially missing several different things necessary for life to Function, and this is a pretty extreme way to live if you cant just find ways around that. ie: is a vertebrate.

lack of detection is also the name of the game here. you do not want your prey to even notice that you are there, you do not want them to dislodge you, you want to get in and get out. why are you being the exact same fucking size as your prey. thats how you get immediately noticed. and you LOOK like how your prey looks???? in a social animal???? good job getting marked as 1. OUTSIDER TO INSIDE GROUP and 2. POTENTIAL THREAT. theres so much back and forth, pros and cons, competition and collaboration, in social species, that you shouldnt get wrapped up in that if you can help it (which you shouldnt, because you are trying to eat these people, not have your own feeding attempt thwarted because they pulled you into their social dramas and now you cant get close enough to any of them without getting noticed or possibly attacked anyways)

honestly the size thing is one of the big things for me. it makes no sense. theres a reason predators as a rule are smaller than the prey that they hunt, and thats because the 10% rule of tropic levels still applies here. you are operating at an energy deficit. the energy it takes to capture and kill and feed and digest (because you have to have energy to even begin eating something!! even if you dont catch it yourself!! digestion consumes energy!!!) something the size of a human will NOT be made up for by the energy you get from that human if you are ALSO the same size as a human. you are so much more likely to get caught and found out (and no i do not care how op your vampires are, getting outnumbered is far more powerful in real life than it has ever been in fiction because fiction solely runs on "rule of cool" and it kills me when people then try to apply it to real life) (see also: STOP KILLING YOUR SOURCE OF FOOD YOU IDIOTS) (YOU DO NOT GO INTO THE FIELD AND START KILLING ALL OF YOUR HERD OF COWS BECAUSE ONE BULL GORED SOMEONE) (YOU HAVE TO EAT TOO) and to have your feeding attempt botched if you are the size of a human. theres a reason all the sangivores we have are all fractions of a size of the animals that they feed on, AND this is already counting sangivores who eat OTHER stuff too (a lot of blood-feeding insects will also be important pollinators who eat nectar!! vampire bats are weird by only eating blood!!!)

theres also the issue of timing. vampires ALWAYS eat way more often than they should. like, okay, blood is garbage food and it has no fat meaning no extra stores of energy to prevent immediate starvation if you miss one feeding. but these are also animals that are taking a little bit of blood from an animal far larger than them who will not miss that amount of blood taken. they can afford to double-dip, because they arent killing their prey. sure, they can kill their prey in massive swarms, but not only does this primarily effect the young/small/weak and less so for the adults (a fair enough price to pay, babies are cheap and animals always seem to have a higher mortality in their early life than adulthood), but also this is a pretty rare situation to begin with and the bust/boom suggested would be beneficial enough alone to make up for the cost of these losses.

but no. vampires are killing their prey, they have to take a large amount of blood at once (one whole human the same size as them), and they only specialize into ONE TYPE OF PREY. yes, i know theres recent talk of vampires who eat animals, but no. im going pop vampire, the vampire that most people will first think of when thinking of a vampire, basic as shit.

humans are bad prey, okay? this is what all these stories dont understand. humans are really, really bad prey. first of all, we are apex predators to begin with (do not come at me and argue with me about this, an apex predator is literally just one of the largest predators in its ecosystem, can (not necessarily will) eat nearly any other type of animal in said ecosystem, and is rarely predated upon as adults. lions and bears and tigers and sharks are all regularly eaten by other animals when they are cubs. like i said. infant mortality is universally pretty high), so thats a bad call. even in cases of maneaters that exist, theyre nearly all animals that have had their natural form of living interrupted in some way. habitation is the least damaging option (aka why you need to STOP FEEDING THE WILDLIFE), but also if the animal is injured, or sick, or very old, or nursing cubs. aka, all the cases where we would expect an animal to start taking on riskier prey that cannot pan out. the lions of tsavo could not eat their regular prey due to injury and already were feeding off of bodies left behind by the human atrocities of the railroad being constructed. humans both remember and hold grudges. this is a bad strategy, and vampires have made the fatal mistake of absolutely needing to be in absolutely tiny populations just to make the numbers work and also being large enough to actively target. you cannot squish every mosquito, but one vampire already requires such a massive population to support them that you can easily drive them to localized extinction by just killing one.

which is another thing. if you are killing a human every time you eat, and you are eating often, then the humans are not replacing themselves. humans take at least 9 months to make another human, and even that is basically useless without a good decade and a half more of just waiting for them to grow up and get to a decent size which might then be useful for you. if you target the infants to begin with, then thats way less blood, not going to be enough, and youre going to make multiple kills in one night just to make up for that absence, and then some because you need even MORE to make up for the extra energy you just spent obtaining all of said infants. not to mention the time lag itll take for the same humans to make more humans to replace those, AND humans have a limited reproductive window to begin with. this is very bad if you have to eat more than once a week. hell, this is bad if youre even doing the regular predator thing of eating a single large prey maybe once a month (and they supplement their diet with other, smaller prey items to make up for the energy deficit). do you know how long it takes a wildebeest or a zebra to go from calf to reproductive adult? its not 18 years, okay.

and again i just sit here and fume thinking about every excuse made that vampires are using mimicry to look like humans to get close to them. first of all, thats not how most aggressive mimicry works. most aggressive mimicry is looking like something appetizing to your prey item, something it wants to get close to, or something it wouldnt even notice at all. usually if youre looking like a specific animal, its not actually FOR that animal, and aggressive mimicry to begin with is rarer than you think. the only example i can think of is the (small!!!!) fraction of ant-mimicking jumping spiders that do prey on ants, but not only is this rare due to how scary ants themselves are, but it cannot really be just copy + pasted onto humans, who have an entirely different reproductive setup and no queens that churn out hundreds of offspring a day (more than any spider could eat in the one single community of ants) and are mammalian megafauna that have extremely high energetic needs and physical effort required just to kill a single one of those bastards, let alone repeatedly doing it more than once, AND being obligated to navigate space in the same way that they do.

all of this is nonsensical because i am very sick right now so you know. unpolished vampire rant.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Sorry if this ask gets broken or send more than once, tumblr likes to crash on my phone a lot oops!

Anyhoo, any advice for creating a headmate?

We're a traumagenic system, so we never had any control over when we split new headmates. But I'm a fictive of someone who's a twin and I really miss my brother and would really really love it if he could join us in the headspace, I think he would really like my headmates and they would be very receptive of him <:) I talked to the others about it and they said they think its okay for me to try as long as we do so in a healthy way.

But I dont know how to split a new headmate in a healthy way. Im obviously not going to purposely put us through stress and/or trauma to encourage a traumagenic formation, that'd be unhealthy. BUT I dont know how to help form a headmate in a non-traumagenic way... Do you have any advice or tips? I know theres lots of ways to willingly form new headmates, but I dont really know how to utilize them.

Thank you so much in advance!!

Hi! This is pretty tricky, and in general we’d advise traumagenic systems to make sure they’re in a safe place/have made significant progress towards recovery before attempting to create a headmate. There’s a lot of ways something like this could go very wrong if proper care is not taken! That being said, you do know yourself and your system better than anyone else! So if you and your system believe attempting to create a headmate is the right thing to do and the best move for your system, we’re wishing you the best of luck, and have some resources we can share.

All of the best resources we’ve found so far we’ve compiled in our resources post for questioning systems.

That post ^ has a whole section for plurality that is non-dissociative disorder specific, with tons of links to guides and resources on how to go about creating a headmate. The paromancy (called “tulpamancy” in the links) guides are probably the most comprehensive, with tons of information on creating a paro/thoughtform, which is a type of nontraumagenic headmate.

Y’all might also find it easier and less high-stakes to visualize this person as an imaginary friend or an aspect of your headspace. Lots of systems have NPCs in their headspace which have limited autonomy, but aren’t actually full-fledged system members. You can visualize an NPC in the same way you visualize a setting or object as a part of a headspace - we have a little headspace primer which we’ll link below which might help if you choose to go this route!

If you start out with this potential headmate as an imaginary friend, and they ultimately start to feel like a part of the system, there’s a term for that! It’s called imagi, and you can read a bit more about it on Pluralpedia:

Hopefully this helps at least give you somewhat of a starting point! And if we may, a final word of caution:

Creating a headmate is a big deal. Often this is something that will last forever, and cannot be easily reversed. What is so so important to understand, is that once this headmate can think for themself and are afforded some autonomy and agency, they may make decisions or choose to be something that no one in your system ever would have anticipated.

This means thy may want to separate from their source. They may not act, look, or view themselves the way the twin from your source would have. They may not arrive with source memories, and may not see themselves as your twin at all. In many systems, headmates act and function as their own individuals, and feel happiest when they have their own agency and get to make choices about how they present and interact with the world. This means, there is a chance that any headmate you create won’t live up to the standards you’ve set for them beforehand. We’re not saying this sort of thing will happen 100%! But there definitely is a chance of this occurring, so it’s best to be prepared in case it does.

In the end, this is your choice and a choice to be made by your system! We just hope y’all are understanding the consequences of doing something like this, and know that no matter how you envision your new headmate at the beginning, there’s nothing certain that will keep them that way as they grow and develop on their own. We hope your potential new headmate will be understood, valued, and respected for who they are as they are, and not who others hoped for them to be!

Sorry this got so long! Good luck with everything! We hope this process goes as smoothly for you and your system as it can!

🌸 Margo and 👻 Ghost

[wizisbored]

I bet youve been asked this many times but where are the lungs, like are they double lunged up or is it in one of the two bodies and if its just one whats the space used for instead?... And now that i think about it most of the other organs would be double too this is honestly the first time i realised that...

Im confused

you are actually the first person to ask this, but boy am i ready to answer it. i think about centaur anatomy so fucking much you would not believe.

disclaimer - i know nothing about biology and did no research past google images im just vibing here. i try to make things logical but am not really fussed about it being strictly viable.

so they are, in fact, double-lunged (or quad-lunged? 2 sets of 2, 4 total). they're both located and sized pretty much how you'd expect, one smaller pair in the upper torso (human half) and one larger in the lower torso/barrel (horse half)

the one thing these two pairs absolutely cannot do is alternate. one cannot be exhaling while the other inhales. but if a random fun fact i picked up from researching war horse puppetry is correct, horse lungs are three times larger than human lungs. so, while both sets inhale and exhale at the same time, most of the time the lower lungs will be expanding and contracting three times as fast as the upper ones to stay in sync.

so, what is the advantage of having that many lungs? well, the main function of the system is allowing effective verbal communication while on the move.

as someone without a spare set of lungs, you may have noticed that talking while running, or even just walking if youre particularly worn out, is a bit tricky. centaurs, at least how i write them, evolved to be constantly moving through large territories of foraging and hunting grounds while also making use of complex verbal communication, so they need a way around this issue.

most of the time, a centaur's vocal chords are vibrated soley by air exhaled by the upper lungs. when they speak, they are able to increase the speed of exhalation of the upper lungs relative to the lower to do so. this means they exchange less gass through the upper lungs, but the lower are unaffected. so if they need to communicate while on the move, they can essentially use the air in the upper lungs to speak while the lower go on circulating oxygen and carbon dioxide as normal, meaning it's harder for them to get out of breath. that's not to say they can hold full converstations at a gallop no problem, though. theres still limits.

they can, if they need to, use the lower lungs to vibrate the vocal chords too via opening a valve in the throat. this allows them to make much louder sounds, mostly for long-distance calls to herdmates. they're usually wordless noises with simple meanings, harder to misinterpret over distance.

they also have two hearts, in the regular heart places.

having two ensures that enough blood makes it around both the big ol legs and the big ol brain. the two systems are linked, otherwise the brain wouldn't be able to benefit from the double respitory system, which i dont think would end too well for the centaur

so thats the cardiovascular and respiratory system of a centaur, to my understanding. ill probably make similar posts on the rest in future i love speculative biology shit