#i try to read them for real but my adhd autistic brain is like. no

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[thatoneluckybee]

pinned post time

Hey, I’m Bee!

Minor

She/her please!

ADHD, trichotillomania, (potentially autistic? doing research at the moment)

Christian

I try to reblog donation posts. However, I do not answer asks submitted asking for donations UNLESS I can verify them. I'll try to check any I receive to ensure they're real before posting. Please donate to verified fundraisers to help Palestinian families if you are safely able to and money is not a concern. Free Palestine 🇵🇸

AND THE FANDOM/ORGANIZATION STUFF

I don’t even know I’m hyperfixated on right now. YTTD and SBG and Homesick are fighting to the death, PJSK/Vocaloid is trying to sneak in again but failing, and I am suffering help. What is my brain. Will\ go on mass reblogging sprees of random other topics/fandoms

Said fandoms are MAINLY Your Turn to Die, School Bus Graveyard, Homesick, Space Boy, Not So Shoujo Love Story, Surviving Romance, Realta, Castle Swimmer, the One of Us Is Lying trilogy, Morgana and Oz, Silent Screams, Marionetta, Danganronpa, Cursed Princess Club, Suitor Armor, Nomads, and the like. I read way too many Webtoon series, expect a lot of those lol. I’m also a huge fan of Winchifrost and Marina and The Diamonds!

I have no idea how to use tone tags but I'm trying to figure it out!

Finally have a Pronouns Page!

I don’t have a consistent tagging system, I use whatever comes to my heart. HOWEVER, I will USUALLY try and tag posts like memes and fanart with the fandom name (and, if I reblog or a post about a fandom a lot, FULL character names! For example, I will tag “nao egokoro” instead of just “nao yttd.”) I do have a couple tags I use a lot:

rambles: My rambles. Original posts or reblogs I have a decent amount of commentary on or changed in some way.

fambles: Rambles but specifically fandom related. This is a new tag I may forget to use it but I need to separate original from fandom lol

important: Anything that’s genuinely important (usually!) Much of this will be about topics I feel more strongly about. For example, a post about ableism I think is a good find would be tagged as important.

shenanigans: That’s… yeah, shenanigans.

Bee Hall of Fame: I’m stealing this tag from a beloved mutual. Favorite things that has something to do with yours truly <3

crumch: I don’t even know. Crumch. Food related. Biting people affectionately. Something that would be Entertaining or Horrific to consume.

yeah: This evokes such a specific and visceral emotion in every inch of my being that I am unable to comprehend or fully articulate in. Just yeah.

girlsuffering: Ow. I don't vent per say but if I'm theatrically complaint about a headache it's girlsuffering

Bee plays PJSK: HI I finally got the game and I’m playing, so these posts are just me going through the stories and getting used to it and suffering

Thanks I love you and GOODBYE!

[enoughslices]

Hey so I read your post about Mulder respecting Scully saying they can never be together and you totally cracked my brain open?? When people say that, they might just mean it in the moment but not forever... and they don't clarify this if they change their mind?? I'm rethinking so many things right now lol

Obviously I know each person is different but it was never phrased this way to me and now I'm just sitting here with galaxy brain

This is something I have come up against the hard way in my real life, where all through my childhood and adolescence people continually told me I was, "taking things too literally," and I was like, "... ... ... How else am I supposed to take them?? Should I not take you at your word?" I had a number of situations (like in relationships or friendships) where someone would declare something and I would just accept it and never revisit it, and then later find they were frustrated with me for assuming a statement they'd made two years ago was still true since they had not modified it. I used to do performance-related work and my one colleague who really got me (we love a work wife) would have to explain to directors that if I was told to do something a certain way I would just keep doing it that way and not try anything new until they revised their instruction. I was baffled to learn that the expectation in rehearsals was that I keep trying new things even when I had been explicitly told to do it one way. Or, worse, intuit when they wanted me to keep trying new things in the face of the instruction and when they didn't. It stressed me out so much. I always felt a little betrayed when someone said one thing very emphatically and firmly ("We can't ever get back together," or "I'm never going to do that again.") and then did indeed do or want to do the thing again days or weeks or months or years later (especially without clarifying or explaining). I've had to work really hard on finding respectful ways to not make assumptions even when I feel like something has been communicated clearly to me and get in the habit of raising things periodically from a place of open curiosity to see if people are still in the same place, because not everyone is as precise or literal when they're speaking about things, especially if they're coming from a place of emotion in the moment. I don't know for sure that I'm autistic, but I do know that I'm neurodivergent. I have cPTSD and was also late-diagnosed with ADHD at 36 and have MCAS, which also can impact how your brain works, so diagnosis is a little complicated. I suspect that I'm AuDHD (autistic and ADHD) and I have an evaluation scheduled for this year. Seeing and hearing about people's neurodivergent experiences on TikTok and other corners of the internet has helped me recontextualize a lot of parts of my experience and has illuminated corners I had not even realized were dark. It's made so many things fall into place that have made me go, "Oh. Wait. Fuck! Really??" But also there's a certain relief in having things make sense that never did before, even though it's been absolutely wild to identify my (many, many 😅) blind spots. In conclusion: Me 🤝 Mulder in this headcanon lol I'm sorry to crack your brain open and I hope the light flooding in is not too overwhelming!! Being a person is a trip sometimes! Feel free to DM me if you want to spiral about this together! PS: Obligatory disclaimer that people have a wide variety of different experiences and feeling this way or relating to this is not necessarily an indicator of autism, which I don't even know for sure that I have! I am just over here projecting onto my blorbos on the hellsite, as glob intended 😂😂

[sfsolace]

Looking out for each other

Aspects of Neurodivergence in "Hakumei & Mikochi"

Part 2: Hakumei and ADHD

Before we start, a little disclaimer: I'm not saying Hakumei definitely has ADHD. Again, like in part 1; this is a fictional story, nobody is diagnosed with anything. What i am going to talk about is a few things that people with ADHD/ADD might find relatable and why they stuck out to me.

This is a part 2, so definitely check out part 1; where i talk about Sen and why her character arc is meaningful to me as an autistic person.

This post mainly references things from chapters 5, 12, 24 and 25; with some minor spoilers.

Throughout the series, two things mainly stuck out to me in regards to Hakumei: her need to keep busy and her issues with with noisy environments.

Hakumei is usually keeping busy with building something or maintaining tools. To the point where she works during the night when she finds something engaging or can't settle down to sleep until she finishes a task with an immediate payoff.

There is also one of my favorite chapters later in the manga, where Hakumei wants to go to a hot spring to soothe her shoulder ache and when the onsen is closed, she literally builds a full outdoor bath in the span of a single afternoon, shoulder ache seemingly forgotten.

She also has a tendency to do things faster than people anticipate, for example in chapter 5 when she gets her jumpsuit on before Iwashi can even finish talking about today's agenda or in chapter 12 when she has finished working out a method to split a boulder, right after finding out it needs to be done.

In chapters 5 and 12 you can really see how, when a project interests her, Hakumei's brain works overtime, permanently looking for solutions and new angles to approach the problem from, to the point where she forgets to eat and take care of herself.

Usually Mikochi is the one to remind her to eat regularly, packs her lunch, covers her with blankets when she falls asleep and drawing her a hot bath when she was out in the cold rain.

That reminds me of a thing i read about relationships of ADHD and Autistic people. The ADHD person usually has more drive and energy, while the autistic person can help them regulate and remind them to take care of themselves.

Now, that felt very familiar to people in my life who have a similar dynamic and i was trying to find instances of Mikochi having autistic traits, but on a second reading; she doesn't really.

When there are instances of the two retreating to a calmer place after feeling overwhelmed, that impulse usually comes from Hakumei, who seems a bit overwhelmed in busy environments while Mikochi actually seems to thrive there.

Mikochi doesn't seem to have sensory issues, trouble in social situations or other traits associated with ASD. What she does have is experience with looking out for people have trouble looking out for themselves.

In chapter 25 we meet Mikochi's older sister Ayune, who seems quite inattentive (to borrow an ADHD diagnostic term), meaning Mikochi took it upon herself to help her with chores.

This explains Mikochi's skill in maintaining their shared household and her attunement to Hakumei's needs, even when Hakumei herself isn't fully aware of them when she is focused on her work.

As with Sen in part 1, all of these little details could be just read as quirks of these characters, but all of it coming together seem to suggest a specific real-life inspiration for these character traits. It feels too true to life to be just a coincidence.

Personally, i feel very moved and inspired by the way Hakumei and Mikochi take care of each other; especially because it reminds me of my wife, who has ADHD too. Often times she is hammering away at some project, while i make sure she drinks enough water and doesn't forget to eat. ^^

Thanks for reading!

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Masterlist (or something)

Yey, I finally decided to put a little bit of order here, good for me! 🎉

In case that you didn't notice it, Tokyo Revengers is my Roman Empire, so there is going to be a lot of that here.

Current head image it's an amazing comission of me and Sanzu, by the hand of @gojosoreos . It makes me so so so happy, planning some chaos with my favourite gremlin ever! 💜💜💜

Is not my head image anymore, but I still wanna leave this here because it'll always be hilarious! The product of a collaborative brain riot with @just-sp-in-inginthevoid , about Autistic!Kakucho vs. Adhd!Sanzu. They're soulmates archnemesis and it's so funny 🤣🙈 Link to the art here!

The icon is mine, happy silly Sanzu (he's probably high, okay?)

The previous one was Meowzu, the best member of the Haitanis Team Rocket! 🙈 (link to both "art" in this post)

Also: My ao3 account in case someone wants to read it there!

(I'm trying to post everything here too but some of the last fics are only in ao3 for now)

Real masterlist and how to do ask/requests after this!

MASTERLIST:

Fics:

Red Snow (Angst KakuIza with happy ending)

Bonten was born from pain (this is technically a drabble but with enough angst for being a long fic T.T)

Look at how my tears ricochet: (Sanzu vs. Kisaki Angst with some light MuSan on it)

Introduction.

Part 1

Part 2

Let me tell you now, you're the lucky one (really angsty Bonten HaruKaku)

Hits Different (drabble of a train wreck)

Chokehold (Sanzu/Takuya in bad Toman Takemichi timeline) + Check the art here! 🥹

No drug can give me clarity (I need you here). Past Musan drabble

I'll love you better when I'm dead (tragic MuSan drabble of chapter 206)

Soon you'll get better (because you have to) (Dead Dove Bonten HaruMai)

Reborn Again (and again and again) (Bonten HaruMai & Sanzu bday centric)

Time, mystical time (cutting me open then healing me fine) (Final tl HaruMai & Mikey bday centric!) (FLUFF uwu)

Drabbles:

Izana Kurokawa x gn!reader receiving a red rose

Izana Kurokawa being a little shit with surprises (hc+drabble x gn!reader)

Kakucho Unbirthday series:

Izana's servant needs a birthday. Period. (platonic KakuIza)

Kakucho used to loves his unbirthdays. Before everything changed. (Angst drabble of Bonten Kakucho)

Mitsuya used to admire the Haitani brothers. In past sentence. (drabble of the final timeline)

Snippet on 5th division Takemichi.

Fanart:(or something)

Haitani brothers + Sanzu as a Team Rocket

Ran Haitani with an energetic s/o (art)

Silly Sanzu on fire

Headcanons:

Ran Haitani with an energetic s/o

Izana Kurokawa being a little shit with surprises (hc+drabble x gn!reader)

Little hc of Izana with "his kids" in the final timeline

Kurokawa siblings in the OG!timeline

Shared hc of Manila Izana and Bonten Mikey being connected in dreams!

HaruTaku hcs my beloveds:

HaruTaku headcanons!(bad Toman tl) 💜

Final timeline childhood sweethearts HaruTaku!

Final tl adult them headcanons around drugs, ooopsie?

Bonten HaruTaku! 🔥

Shared HaruTaku rambling!

I'm gonna try to put my theories/rumbles/memes about TR here, but it's a little bit chaotic and I'm probably forgetting something 😅

Memes: (aka random stuff that I found funny)

I can fix it (or not) + extra Takemitchy

Shinichiro DON'T

Poor Mitchy xD

My TR matchup! (because it makes me so happy that I didn't want to lose it)

Random thoughts/theories:

Kurokawa siblings in the OG!timeline

TR is like a trauma onion (Sanzu and OG!timeline)

The meaning of Sanzu's name (all thanks to @just-sp-in-inginthevoid )

Random thoughts about Mikey and TR ending

Say My Name (or how the season 3 ending broke me):

Analysis of why this ending is just pure pain

Analysis Part 2

Say My Name is pure Bonten coded

Talking about the meaning of Kokonui kiss

Kakucho and Sanzu parallels (again, just adding and commenting to @just-sp-in-inginthevoid post, bc sharing hc is fun 💜)

Adhd Sanzu Propaganda (I'm not even sure if this is a hc or just brain riot)

SHINICHIRO STAY AWAY FROM THE KIDS! (with love, but please xD)

ASKS:

You can ask me anything, if you just want to talk about TR or any other fandom I'm in, I will be more than happy to do it!

(but please, I can talk/theorize about JJK, but don't ask me to write about it, I'm still coping 😭)

About requests:

You can ask for headcanons, specify if you also want a drabble!

I'm gonna try to answer all the request, but sometimes I can write a lot in one day and other times not being able to do it in weeks, so if you ask for a drabble, be patient please!

I don't write smut (mostly because I don't feel comfortable writing it even if I enjoy reading it, sorry >.<) But we can talk about "dead dove, do not eat" 😌

Angst (with ot without happy ending) and fluff are my happy places for writing. But tbh, I'm an angsty whore. Hurt/Comfort is my type of fluff 🙈

Also, ask for ships! Rare ships are more than welcome, I love to experiment with them!

Or a gen drabble. You are curious about that character in that specific time line? Hell yeah, give me brain riot! 🔥

I usually write gn!reader, but I can do any specific gender if you ask.

I will not tolerate transphobia, homphobia, racism, etc. So be respectful!

Besides that, I will be more than happy to do any request, since I feel this is helping me to write more again. So don't be shy, ask! 💜

Ps: English is not my first language, so be nice please!

[ghostcrows]

Uhg this is maybe gonna sound patronizing but sometimes people on here spend to much time making sociological theories and forget that evidence based practice >>>>> theories that tie things together and explain everything. Every time. Every time they trump it. So it’s like the current state of mental healthcare and disability accommodations being so bad leads to the theory of how pathology is a structural validation to stigmatization of neurodiversity esp things like schizophrenia. And that coupled with the hater mindset around how “popular” and “lol quirky” adhd and autism are being portrayed on social media (this sounds deeply unserious but it’s the best way I can put it) leads to people who are adhd and autistic which can be materially physically seen and is real dismissing themselves in favor of the theory. Like idk. People love to do lots of thinking and I am not at all trying to disparage it but even when you’re a radial anti establishment politically extreme leftist if you’re theorizing then you’re theorizing and venerable to the pitfalls of theories. Abhijit Banerjee, Esther Duflo, and Michael Kremer won a nobel prize semi recently for doing the most water-is-wet thing and conducting experiments and looking at the results to determine policy change instead of basing policy on theory. It really opened my eyes to read about. The theory is just a tool to talk about the world. The world comes first always. Adhd being a physical condition of the brain does not fit into certain theories and so proponents of the theory will consciously or not, willfully or not, brush aside certain things that do not fit into the worldview supported by the theory or would be complicated or made worse by implementing the policy proposed by the theory. But it’s all just smoke. Does this make any sense. I saw someone say bipolar wasnt harmful outside of the stigmatization because they prescribe to the theory and I was so shocked. Manic episodes can lead to the bipolar person becoming physically violent and thank god for medication. Bipolar can ruin a life because of the things you do while in a manic episode and it can end a life in a depressive episode it’s like. Circling back around to denial of mental illness.

definitely does make sense i agree with this, we can speculate all day long but at the end of the day people are struggling, and they would likely struggle regardless of society's response towards their conditions

it really does loop back around in the end and its just frustrating

i understand not wanting to be pathologized, i understand not trusting the psychs, i understand that the system is as broken as it ever was with maybe a shinier coat of paint over it now and slightly less medieval torture methods deployed...but regardless how you classify mental illness or how you rename it, its a fairly consistent set of symptoms and experiences

its like when people have this idea that mental illness will cease to exist in the utopian post-capitalist world the revolution will bring

but the way i really know people still dont get it even within these circles is the way they cant seem to agree on how much of mental illness is even in the control of the sufferer. like theres always a point at which its simply an excuse, because, well i suffer from this and i wouldnt do that...in the fight against the stigma we throw so many people under the bus and end up only advocating for the people who can speak for themselves in the first place, the 'high functioning' people (who subsequently are not really allowed to show symptoms either because, you're too functional, you're too cognizant of your own actions, you must be doing it on purpose too)

and the anti-med stance is another i cant really get behind even knowing that yeah...you can go through everything they got and never find one that works for you, you can get meds that fuck you all the way up, even when youre on them you might still struggle, you might hate the side effects more than the illness...i get all that and i recognize all that and people totally have the right not to take shit they dont want to...but also i know people who need their medication...big pharma or not doesnt fucking matter cause its obviously something that tangibly helps enough people that we cant just not have it. same with therapy its totally understandable to lose all faith in that avenue of help but there will always be people who need that kind of service even in its imperfect state

reminds me a lot of a book i read called 'no one cares about crazy people' , every few decades we have a new dominating theory of mental illness and the people who are labeled mentally ill continue to struggle through every iteration of it

[baaa-baaa]

SCHIZOTYPAL RAMBLE INCOMING

I try not to indulge in this but sometimes I do wonder if reality is actually what I see off my psychosis meds, and if they are just preventing me from seeing the truth.

as in... what if there ARE things most people can't see who take the form of people in pictures and watch you through their eyes and only I can see their true form because I'm not taking medication that blocks my sight? what if?

now, realistically, this is absolutely not true.

but

knowing when things aren't true has never prevented me from still believing in them.

i don't think it's something most people will ever understand unless they experience it but, when i am having an episode of psychosis (excuse me if I use the wrong terms, i am not involved in any community in the slightest out of worry it might worsen things!) i know damn well that realistically none of it is true, because i have experienced reality long enough to understand... but it's right there, i can see it, i can feel it, i know there has to be something, so i still believe in everything my brain is telling even if i know, I KNOW, it's not true.

no matter how smart, how grounded, how skeptical you think you might be if you got to spend a moment in the shoes of somebody going through this it would not matter how many times anyone, including yourself, told you that it's not true, you'd still believe every second of it, because you'd be living those seconds first hand.

i'm going to be honest, i had no idea what this was like either until i went through it, i didn't know schizotypal personality disorder existed until i was diagnosed with it, i didn't even understand what it entailed until months later when i did a small search on what the symptoms even were since my psychologist explained it in a very surface level way so this has been a weird journey.

I was fine when i was told i had depression, i knew what depression was.

i was fine when i was told i was autistic, i knew what autism was.

i was fine when just a bit ago i was told i might even have ADHD, i know what all this is.

but to be diagnosed with something i'd never even heard of after experiencing life altering symptoms that destroyed everything i knew to be real... i don't know, man, it's something that messes with your head. I don't like any of this, it's not fun, it's not quirky, it's not even particularly interesting, it's just ruining my life.

ramble over, thanks to anyone who read it.

[saetoru]

hiiii i hope you know how much i love ghe way u write haitham !!! also sooo true haitham is definitely autistic!! (me too haitham me too) i think u get how haitham is actually a quite kind and selfless person despite people think hes arrogant, egoistical and such but like if u read some if his voicelines like the one where hes asked what concerns he has he says smth not about him but how people tend to hurt themself and like cmon would an egoistical person have that concern??? also he doesnt look down on anyone its just he knows how capable he is and like ughhhh i feel like ur writing is a breath of fresh air cause like some people make it seem like hes some arrogant dude BUT HES NOT HES JUST AUTISTIC GUYS like when people say they dont like him and its just traits that autistic people usually have…. anyway thank you for sharing ur writing i love going through ur haitham tag it makes my day

HELLO HI I LITERALLY READ THIS LIKE 3 TIMES AND MY SMILE GOT SOOOO BIG EACH TIME IM GONNA TRY NOT TO RAMBLE AS I ANSWER THIS

but omg yesyesyes i agree he’s got so much pointing towards him being autistic and ppl will bash so many things ab him and it makes me so sad but also i’m like … maybe u ppl just don’t like traits that tend to describe autistic ppl idk … BUT i read so many fics of him being autistic and i see kaveh having adhd a lot in fics where they’re written to be neurodivergent and i think the authors i’ve read from so far have done such a good job of writing them and yeah. u get it. he’s definitely got sensory issues i know this is so real and true in my heart

AND HE IS SOOOOOOO KIND. i think ppl gloss over the fact that al-haitham doesn’t look down at anyone so much like everything about this man is so disciplined. so disciplined. like someone of his intelligence in a nation like sumeru could do sooo much bad but he literally just wants to have simple life where he goes to work and goes right home HE JUST WANTS PEACE. and his voice lines IF PPL WOULD JUST READ THEM. like the one about when ppl read difficult and abstruse books and then he says “jk i don’t enjoy watching ppl struggle lol” AND YES. THE ONE WHERE HE BASICALLY WOES ABOUR HOW PPL MAKE THEIR LIVES MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT NEEDS TK BE. he’s so caring by nature and i feel like even he doesn’t even understand that to some extent like i think he sees himself as a practical guy who just wants everyone to have peace for the sake of practicality. BUT HE ALSO JUST. CARES. YOU KNOW ?????????? they way it’s just canon that he’s misunderstood by ppl at the akademiya and he just doesn’t bother to correct them bc he doesn’t care to. THROWS UP HES SOOOOOOOOOO LOVELY I WISH MORE PPL WOULD SEE IT. i cannot tell u how many fics i read and then have to close bc. they just. THEY MAKE HIM SO ARROGANT AND MEAN BUT ARROGANCE =/= CONFIDENCE. he’s aware of his capabilities okay :( he’s not some condescending know it all. im just rly picky ab the way he’s written fjsjdjf so then i’m like. ok. i gotta write the content i wanna see 😔

but omg i’m rly glad you read and like my haitham writing sometimes i get carried away and make it so like…self servicing w the way i write him and the dialogue and then i get embarrassed to post it skfjsjfn but i’m very excited u like it I AM KISSINF U ON THE MOUF and also i am kissing ur brain for understanding him

[chocolatepot]

Some disjointed thoughts on diagnosing fictional characters (particularly with autism) ...

So it's generally understood that you can't diagnose fictional characters or historical figures with any disorders or diseases, physical or mental. You don't have access to all the details. You can't run the kinds of tests you need to run. Fictional characters in particular may not have a coherent set of symptoms at all - they're not real people.

(This got long, so it's under a cut.)

However, the thing that has me thinking is that autism and ADHD are ... collections of traits. There is not an autism chemical in the brain that you can check for to see if a living person is autistic (or an ADHD switch) - psychologists observe children and talk to adults to figure out if they have enough of the traits in the bundle to be considered autistic(/ADHD). And that is mainly for the purpose of determining if they qualify for assistance of some kind, not to make an absolute proclamation. There are certain issues that will get them to that conclusion faster because they more clearly require that assistance, like being non-verbal, but that doesn't make those traits more or less essential to the condition itself.

And the fact is that a lot of the traits are generally considered part of normative human personalities. Probably everyone diagnosed as an adult has spent a lot of time considering themselves insensitive, stupid, careless, forgetful, messy, selfish, etc. Being able to pin these negative traits to a diagnosis often helps people stop castigating themselves because now they don't have to blame themselves for these things - it's not my fault, I don't forget to do my homework/misunderstand what people are saying to me/etc. because I'm a bad person on a moral level, it's because of the way my brain is.

I feel like a lot of the hullabaloo over self-diagnosis comes down to the idea that people with negative personality traits are trying to wriggle out of being held culpable for them. You see it from both sides. I am constantly forgetting things because there is something wrong with my brain that prevents me from retaining that information OR I only forget things when I'm deliberately not paying attention: you need to stop claiming that there is something preventing you from retaining information and accept that you are careless and choose to forget stuff. It only counts when you spend $1000 on a psychological evaluation and basically list the symptoms you found in the much-derided social media posts and have a doctor confirm that yes, those are all signs of ASD/ADHD and yes, you do seem to be describing incidents where you displayed them. (And also talks to your mother with you and the whole thing is incredibly embarrassing and your insurance decides they just aren't gonna pay for it!) But do we actually need to parse out who's "allowed" to be forgetful, or to have any other traits that can be seen as symptoms of neurodivergence? Isn't it possible that we are all at the mercy of our brains' mechanics to some extent? Again, there's no autism chemical that makes a diagnosed autistic person's natural bluntness more "not their fault" than the natural bluntness of someone not diagnosed.

Or, to bring it back to fictional character diagnoses, which is where this actually started, this turns into the idea that fans are trying to help the character get away with something by imposing a diagnosis on them, often with a side accusation that people are just projecting their own disorders onto characters they like (which in fairness we ND folk do joke about doing). But the thing is, if you've been dealing with your neurodivergence your whole life, you have quite a lot of expertise in what it looks like, and again, all psychologists do to diagnose ASD or ADHD is observe and compare what a patient does and says to what they know about how ASD/ADHD present ... which is what fans do when they watch a show or movie or read a book and come to the conclusion that a character is ND.

This feels unfinished but I can tell I have a headache coming on and besides, my lunch break is ending, so toodle-oo.

[swampgallows]

the usual

im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic. 

that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)

i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14  years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????

even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent. 

if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?” 

how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.

Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.

as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god

[vallany-was-here]

I'm so fucking tired

I'm so fucking tired of people who always assume the worst about me. So, so fucking tired.

I absolutely fucking love how so many people out there paint themselves as welcoming to people with adhd/autism, but the moment that person starts to display the "non-fun" signs of their disorder, suddenly they're the worst person ever.

It's all fun and dandy for as long as that autistic person is cute. For as long as their misundrstanding of a joke is funny, as long as their special interest is socially accepted and deemed cute or quirky. As long as their hyperfocus is on something you, too, think is interesting, or as long as they're an UwU Clumsy Baby Bean, as long as you deem them adorable or innocent or another form of infantilization that is, quite frankly, patronising as fuck and not okay.

But then that person becomes too blunt for your liking. Suddenly the joke they misunderstood leads to awkwardness and kills the conversation. Suddenly you don't like they're too honest. You don't like their "special interest" or whatever, because suddenly it doesn't align with what you think is interesting or acceptable as an interest. Suddenly you think they're rude and mean and negative when they misunderstand social queues and subtext in your speech. Suddenly they're a bad person when they get impatient, snappy, forget something, struggle with complicated, unclear instructions.

Suddenly they're lazy and disgusting when they can't keep up with the washing or dishes, when they're overwhelmed and paralysed by simply being alive, and then you feel like it's your place to judge them with a sense of superiority because hurr durr, how hard can it be to fold a basket of fucking washing, right? How hard can it fucking be to wash a few plates? To keep a room tidy? How fucking hard can it be to remember simple shit like taking out trash or walking a dog or keeping track of someone's birthdays?

Because you, a neurotypical, find that shit sooooo easy. So why can't they? Oh, they have a fucking disability? Well, I guess they're just not trying hard enough to overcome it! They aren't trying hard to remember, to not be awkward in conversations, to not be blunt! If I can do it, they can too! After all, autism and adhd is just about being Cutesy Quirky UwU Clumsy Baby Beans that hate the ceiling light and talk with the speed of a hamster on Redbull, right? And if I don't like the "negative" symptoms of their disorder, I can just call them rude and mean and ostracise them from an entire community! From their family! Take their employment away! After all, nobody wants to work with an awkward asshole, true?

I am. So. Fucking. Tired. So fucking tired of people that just assume I'm rude and mean and an asshole or fucking whatever because my fucking disability makes it hard to communicate. Do you honestly think I want to be this way? That I purposefully paint myself as a rude asshole? Are you for fucking real? When I say time and time again that I find it hard to socialise and to read the room, do you think I'm saying that just for shits and giggles? As some kind of word salad? Or maybe, I'm putting it out there in (vain) hopes that your fucking brain will pick up on it and maybe, just maybe, realise that I'm not purposefully "mean" and "rude" or fucking whatever?

And I fucking hate how no matter how many times I try to explain myself, how many times I spit out paragraphs upon paragraphs of detailed text in hopes that I will not be misunderstood, it still fucking happens. All the time. Because no matter how hard I will try to express myself as precisely as I can, they will always look for hidden context that is not there. I can't count the amount of times someone accused me of "putting it in the context" of a message I wrote that upset them or others. My motherfucker in christ, are you seriously telling me what the meaning of my words is? Are you for fucking real? Do you hear yourself?

I can't count the amount of times this happened over the years. People just assuming the worst about me, no matter what I say or do because they are used to putting "hidden meaning" into their text. And when it suddenly isn't there, they're gonna make it up themselves I guess. I am so sick and tired of being accused of "hiding it between the lines" or fucking whatever, while I could not have been clearer on what I am trying to say.

What I am sick and tired of the most is their secrecy. Why won't you come and tell me you don't like my vibes, so we can talk about it and sort it out? Why are you gonna hide your dislike of me FOR YEARS, acting all friendly and shit, only to then toss it in my face when it gets convenient for you? Why would you be all sugary and nice to me for years, only to then out of nowhere complain to my boss that I am too blunt and too socially awkward for your liking and you wanna let me go? Without fucking talking to me first, maybe? No? Why would you be all friendly with me for years, only to then tell me you you can't stand me and didn't like me since day one?

How about maybe being honest with me? How about maybe, just fucking maybe, you bring up what you think about me and discuss shit with me like the adults we are? So we can resolve it? So we can come to an understanding? Or are we gonna all act like highschoolers? Like fucking children? I am twenty fucking five years old, I can get over your dislike of me. What I can't get over, however, if your fake-ass bullshit of pretended friendliness.

Am I just extremely unlucky with the people I encounter, or is this how all neurotypicals are like? As much as I wish I didn't have to struggle with this disability, living in a world where everyone wears a mask of fakeness sounds worse than being the blunt rude bitch, to be honest.

I just fucking wish people didn't assume shit about me and instead talked to me first. What is the fucking point of talking behind my back with your friends? What is the fucking point of badmouthing me to your Parent Group? What is the motherfucking point of telling my boss you want to switch employees without ever saying a word of this to me? Because I said something you interpreted as mean? Because I poke logical mistakes in your flawed parenting and don't budge when you tell me to shut up? Because I am awkward and not as talkative and misunderstand your unclear instructions? Are you for fucking real?

I am beginning to struggle to undertand how the lack of effort of communicating your issues with me are my problem. How the fuck can I know I come off as blunt? As mean? As rude? As inconsiderate and obsessive? When my fucking disability is causing all of these? Disability that you know I have?

And how the fuck is it my responsibility to somehow figure out you have a problem with me, when you do not give me any indication whatsoever that you do? When you're being all friendly and shit on the outside, but think the worst things about me on the inside? Should I ascend and become a fucking mindreader to fix this somehow? Or maybe, just fucking maybe, you stop acting like an angsty highschooler and approach me when you have a problem with me?

Oh, but sorry, it's all my fault. Silly me, I forgot only the cute kind of autism is accepted as a reason. It's all fine and dandy as long as all the others find your disability "okay" enough to their liking, so you're the cute and the quirky and the smart little guy of their friend group.

All is nice and dandy until you make things awkward, until you don't read through the lines of someone's speech and say something rude, until you're deemed obsessive in your interests because they don't find them attractive in one way or another. Until you share an opinion they don't like, until you display traits they don't like.

Then the "reason" stops being a reason, and suddenly it's an "excuse." Suddenly telling them all that you misunderstand social queues is an excuse for your rudeness. Suddenly being autistic is an excuse for hurting someone's feelings. Did you really think I meant to hurt someone? That I am mean on purpose? Really? It comes back to the detailed explaining like a fucking circle of madness. No matter how hard I explain that I don't mean to be rude or hurtful, people will always misunderstand me. They will always say I meant it, that I am now backtracking on my words that I got caught, that I am a little snake trying to put people down for my own amusement. Why always assume the worst about me? Like, fucking excuse me? How can you advocate for people with autism, yet villainize them the moment they start displaying symptoms you don't like? I am fucking disabled, my guy! Would you get angry at a paralysed person for not wanting to participate in a cyclist race you organised? No? Then why is it somehow fucking okay to demonise me for displaying clear signs of my own diability?

I don't even fucking know where I am going with this. I just need to scream about it, I guess. I am just so tired of this. So fucking tired and so fucking upset that no matter how hard I try to prevent being misunderstood, it's like an uphill battle I can never ever win. Something that just never gets better no matter how hard I try.

What even is the fucking point, then?

[moss-and-marimos]

heard you had some thoughts you wanted to share on GILLION TIDESTRIDER, CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEAS- 👀?

HERO OF THE DEEP!! its true its true, he makes me a little bit wild, I've been rewatching some of the earlier episodes and I just. god. I think about him so much, hes so autism to me. I already made the other post about the autism experience of realizing you've been the butt of the joke, but like the fact that its canon that he liked visiting loffinlot because he felt like he could finally read the tone there because everyone was laughing, only to have that like ripped away from him upon finding out its a curse and stuff, and jay and chip just like not quite understanding that. ow. to me chip has adhd and gill has autism or both autism and adhd and they just like dont super get eachother, and they dont communicate the best because of that like conflicting mental illnesses over here, idk they just. ough. like chip obviously doesnt mean to hurt gill with his 'jokes,' and as the audience we are intended to find them funny, and we do, because we have like everyones perspectives, but god in hindsight does it make me just kinda sad. gill doesnt deserve that. for the first time in his life hes been like allowed to express anger without real fear of punishment, but also he like doesnt have the, for lack of better term, friendship degradation mechanic in his brain, like a lot of adhd and autism people dont, and so like the idea that his fight with chip could have long term repercussions on their friendship doesnt quite register and so he tries to go back to things being like normal after they fight, and obviously chip isnt having that, and I just aaaaaa owwwww I just think about how even now gillion is still trying to find his place in the world and everything because of the prophecy, especially because of [info redacted so as not to be spoilers] in recent episodes and im grrgagrghajghgerghgh foaming at the mouth this poor guy. hes doing his damn best over here and he's gonna keep at it 'til it kills him. also?? the fact that gill did not/does not have the fucking hp to be a tank and still plays it anyway?? oh my goddddd. self sacrificial fish man. hes so. like there was a point when jay had more hp than him and he continued to be a tank, how much do you have to practice, to train, to be walking around under 10hp and pretending its normal and doing it so well your friends cant even notice. I do wonder sometimes how much even now that jay and chip like understand gill, because chip is in his own head a lot, and jay Is very focused on like circumstances I feel like, and so im like aaaaaa just like do they understand gill do they understand how he thinks even now? do they get it? im not certain they do but they try to be there for him anyway, but sometimes they do, and theyre all just doing the best they can and aaaaa im so. im so . guys. also Charlie and condi only recently like re-realizing that chip is 19 because of [redacted recent events]???? im so. im so . guys oh my goddddd. but yeah back to gill I just. slaps this fish this bad boy can fit so much autism in him. he gets it. Charlie slimecicle king of making autistic characters. god gillion makes me so sad and emotional all the time

[the-pm-edible]

See, it's just this:

I'm too cheap to spring for a real blog.

I'm autistic and ADHD. Self-diagnosed, of course because I was born in approximately The Middle Ages, and "Autism / ADHD / being trans" Was Not A Thing.

(I assure you: We did. It all existed then, too. Really. But Society basically shamed, beat, and/or killed us for it. So. Y'know, you adapt, mask your real self, or die )

My brain only really works when I have THC onboard. The world in general (as I perceive it) is flat, two-dimensional, and in black & white.

THC raises me up, like being pulled up out of Flatland and being able to look down on that cold grey reality. I can see the connections now between things. I start to understand the timelines of things. I start to understand things like foreshadowing and call-backs, and character arcs in the stuff i read or watch.

I make things more efficient on THC. Because I start to understand processes. "Oh. See, this would be better / easier / faster if you just did /this/" ... and lo and behold, it is.

I see what I'm doing wrong in my life and my marriage (if you want to call it that when 2 autistic people of vastly disparate views on Stuff types, amounts, and location and who don't communicate well decide each is the other's "eh, good enough") and get married so that Thing 1 can buy a house and property to facilitate Thing 2's impulsive decisions regarding exotic pets... but I digress)

Anyway, I see behaviors that I have. I hear from the shard whose Event caused that behavior. I start to see why that would be triggered by this current event. Again I'm making connections.

I know I have significant time blindness, which actually helps in a job like mine, but that also means I forget to eat, i forget to get up and move, i forget to hydrate.

The PM Edible is the thing that causes my disparate little Shards - of emotions, of memories, of feelings -- to get time out of lockdown.

This tumblr is their equivalent of Open Mic Night. Who ever wants to say anything, feel anything, pontificate on something, take your shot.

Some of them chase butterflies. Some sit and analyze things abd processes and connections.

Some of them, well, *one* of them longs for some sort of real world connection. Which is unavailable.

I talk to no one, regularly. I spend all day in my office with the door cracked open barely, headphones on as I mine data.

I go home from work, do dishes, eat something, and then go to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat

So, no real-life people, and no online people either.

I guess this thing is just me screaming into a void, sending out another gold record trying to capture the experience of an insignificant life on earth, on the electronic equivalent of a Voyage probe.

[yaminerua]

Idk just rambling about my brain

Man I don’t think I have adhd but I do think my dad does because he fits SO MANY hallmarks of the inattentive subtype. He doesn’t want to bother getting a proper confirmation of that being the case but like the CPN who visits to assist my brother more or less said he agrees that adhd is very likely in him given everything he’s come to understand about my dad over the last several years of knowing him.

But he did also sort of just generally sit and point at all of us and say he thought we were all autistic on like the second time he ever met us so lol I don’t know

it does make me wonder though if there’s SOMETHING going on with me too. My brother is definitely autistic since he received that diagnosis back in school, and though it’s not confirmed, dad matches so many check marks for adhd that it is reasonably likely for him to have it but whenever I look up one or the other to try to see if I see myself in them I don’t feel as though I fully relate enough to one or the other to think I really have it.

Like yeah there are a handful of things I do relate strongly to but idk if they can just be written off as coming from a different source. There’s a lot of trauma and depression and anxiety in general swirling around in my head so it would be easy to put some of those things down to those instead.

so I generally just assume I don’t fit into autism or adhd. But it’s fairly present in the family so I can’t help but wonder.

Autism is definitely in the family on my dad’s side for sure. His cousin and all three of her children have it as well as her brother and I know one of his children has it too.

I found out a while back that my uncle had been told he was on the spectrum too and I wouldn’t be surprised if my other uncle was as well bc they’re both very similar in the same ways, though that’s just speculation. But there’s definitely multiple confirmed instances of it so idk. It makes me curious about whether there’s a chance I’m somewhere on the spectrum too bc as I mentioned before there are some things here and there which I relate strongly to but none of it is strong enough overall to be like oh yeah that sums me up you know? Like maybe some lesser traits but not so much the bigger ones.

I do think I have some kind of dyscalculia for almost certain though, given my well-documented struggles with maths, and other shit like reading clock faces. And the cousins I mentioned earlier all have confirmed dyscalculia. So that’s there. And apparently it can be present alongside adhd from what I read a while back. But again I don’t relate strongly enough to think I really have that.

Executive dysfunction is the biggest thing that does match up. God knows I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to get myself to do what needs done to maintain the upkeep of even just my own bedroom and even with the best intentions of keeping it up I could never do it. I’d sit for months screaming internally at myself to fucking tidy up and ultimately the best thing that worked to make it happen was knowing I had friends coming up to stay and then I’d suddenly erupt into a hurricane of productive tidying, kicked into action by an immediately approaching deadline. and to an extent I relate to people’s descriptions of what rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like. but at the same time I wouldn’t say I had a particularly hard time in school wrt studying and working, or other things people generally look for. It was the being bullied that I struggled more with then.

anyway idk. There’s something about my brain that is definitely… idk… SOMETHING. It has real observable effects on my life and relationships and everything but I just dunno what exactly it is.

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[anexperimentallife]

Man, as an undiagnosed Autistic/ADHD kid growing up pre-internet around a lot of ultra-far-right, ultra-religious folks, I KNEW I was different, and assumed that meant I was wrong, and that I’d better adopt the positions and behaviors of those around me if I wanted to be “normal” and accepted.

From the time I was able to speak, any time I expressed my true thoughts and feelings, I was either laughed at, angrily told I was wrong, ridiculed, or bullied. And if everyone around me agreed on things that I didn’t believe, I MUST have been the one who was wrong, right? So I developed some truly horrible takes and behaviors by mimicking the people everyone else seemed to look up to, in an effort to appear "normal."

Of course, I also had it drilled into me from an early age that unless I forced myself to believe in things I didn’t, that I would spend eternity being tortured in the Hell I no longer believe in. Not sexist or homophobic enough? You’re going to burn in Hell. Did you even THINK about sex or IMAGINE a naked girl outside of wedlock? Going to Hell if you get hit by a bus before begging forgiveness. Think evolution makes sense? Hell. Don’t believe strongly enough in every word of the Bible, or don’t take the parts literally that the Powers That Be have decided are to be taken literally? Hell. Take the parts literally that the Powers That Be have decided are to be ignored? Hell. If you have a girlfriend or get married, and, as a man, don’t take charge of and dominate your relationship or household enough? Free ticket to Hell (and also you’re not a “real man”).

Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but when it’s drilled into you from an early age, it’s hard to break away from. I don’t know if all of it was what they were TRYING to teach, but it’s what I learned from them.

Then add in all the toxic masculinity of the far right, and you’ve got a truly horrible package of crap. Like, imagine every horrible ultra-far-right and downright out-of-touch-with-reality evangelical, and toxic-masculinity tweet you’ve ever seen, and that was what was shoved down my throat my entire childhood and young adulthood as The Only True And Correct Way Of Thinking And Behaving.

And again, no Internet, no real exposure to other types of thought for the most part, and when I DID meet someone who thought differently, they were a Bad Influence, who wanted to Tempt Me Away From Righteousness.

And again, deviating from any of that--even THINKING in contradiction to any of it--was punishable by an eternity of torture in Hell. God was always watching, always judging, and anything less that perfect holiness in thought, belief, and action meant I would spend eternity in Hell.

But I couldn’t STOP thinking it all seemed wrong--especially when I started finding and reading books with alternate views--so I lived in a state of constant terror, because no matter how much I pretended and tried to force myself to believe, I doubted everything I had been taught.

And again, was I supposed to take it all literally? I don’t know. But my autistic brain took it at face value. Hell awaited if I wasn’t a perfect enough Christian.

I remember how any time I came home from school to an empty house, I was terrified that the Rapture had happened, and that I wasn’t pure enough to be taken up with everyone else.

If you didn’t grow up like that, I don’t know if you can understand just how traumatizing it can be, especially for a neurodivergent kid who already knows they’re Not Like Everyone Else, and who is desperate to be what literally everyone in their in-group tells you is The Right Kind Of Person.

Eventually I rejected all that, but after literally decades of masking, outwardly adopting a lot of attitudes I didn’t agree with, trying to force myself to believe things I didn’t, and mimicking what I now understand were shitty behaviors (because of being constantly told, “that’s how a man is supposed to act”), although I knew who I didn’t want to be, I didn’t actually know who I was, who I wanted to be, or how to become that person.

And even after I rejected most of that, a lot of the toxic masculinity remained. I quit college and joined the Army at eighteen for several reasons, but one of those reasons was to prove myself “manly.” I cannot even begin to describe the degree of toxic masculinity and far right nationalism in the Army at the time (Maybe it has changed in the past forty years), but spending my late teens and early twenties there just reinforced a lot of what I’d been taught growing up.

It was only later, after I completely rejected religion and much of the other stuff I’d been taught growing up that a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. But it’s a long-ass tunnel, and I’m still going through it.

I was fortunate enough to make some friends who challenged me on a lot of that stuff, who in some cases recommended learning resources, and who were patient with me while I worked through figuring out what I really felt and believed. And it made a huge difference.

Tumblr has also been a great resource for me to correct some of my decades of conditioning--I say conditioning, but maybe brainwashing is a better word. There are a lot of shitty takes on here, sure, but also a lot that have caused me to reevaluate myself as a person and make conscious changes to myself and my belief system over the past few years. Mostly from younger people, because let’s face it; most of my generation has stuck with the sexist, nationalistic, transphobic, racist, pro-capitalist ways of thinking they learned in their youth.

I’ve come a long way from the person that I was--I’m embarrassed to even mention some of the behaviors I used to think were okay because people around me made it seem like those behaviors were expected and admired--but I’m sure I still have some bad takes I don’t even recognize as bad yet, and that I’m going to work on.

The worst part is knowing how many other people I hurt with my toxicity.

I feel like I’m in a constant state of deprogramming myself. It’s exhausting.