#i told myself i wasn’t going to bring the discourse here but i’m so fucking tired of you all accusing louis of perpetuating

[louiswilliamtomlinsons]

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[constellatedcolors]

Why the Avalance Baby Storyline Makes Sense

Okay okay okay. I’ve been seeing some discourse about Legends of Tomorrow & the recent Avalance pregnancy reveal. I don’t watch the show, but I’ve followed their storyline pretty closely over the years. I love the relationship, and it’s really cool that their romance is the emotional core of LoT.  I also am not a huge fan of kids. I don’t want any myself, and I think there are only a few shows that have done baby stuff well.  Point is: I am coming from a pretty neutral place when I say that the baby storyline makes complete sense for these characters. Not sure who I’m writing this for, but here’s a relatively unbiased, observer’s perspective. Ava’s a clone. She had a whole arc about why she’s more than where she came from. She had her own development, but reckoning with that part of herself was undoubtedly aided by the fact that her love for Sara was something that couldn’t be manufactured- undoubtedly real proof she wasn’t just a copy. Sara can pull anyone but she wants Ava, and has assured her of that every step of the way.  Ava started as a hardass who wanted things to fit in boxes, and didn’t like insane ideas. She grew to tolerate- even enjoy- chaos because of Sara and the Legends. And what’s more chaotic than having a kid? NOTHING I think there’s a deleted scene from season 5 where Sara tries to apologize for the mess she and her team have caused and Ava cuts her off to say:

I love everything you bring into my life. All of it. All the time.

And I know we’ve moved past the clone shit, and that adoption is equally valid, but it must be emotional for Ava to know their kid is actually going to be equally their own. (And I do firmly believe they’ll take in kids who need a family down the line.) Sara was one of those people who was super free, but scared of commitment. She’s had flings with other men and women, but none stuck because she spent so long believing no one could love all of her. She wouldn’t let herself imagine any sort of future like that. Until Ava came along, and stuck around. And loved not in spite of all her fuck ups, but because of them. And has told her many times over that she wants to be the person Sara can come to when things get to be too much. Ms. one-night-stand Lance allows herself to imagine a life with Ava. And even though they hit some rocks because of Sara’s fears, they worked through them, COMMUNICATED, and came out stronger. Sara proposed! When Ava got erased momentarily in 7x05, Sara was honest and said that the pain of seeing her disappear extended beyond just losing her; it was like her entire life went away too. I don’t recall her ever being as vulnerable as she is with Ava.  She’s been the captain for a while, has always been been a protective figure, but I think this storyline is a really, REALLY cool way to explore more nuanced emotions. Sara has an innate desire to protect everyone, but now she has to recognize that it’s not just her life on the line anymore. Compounded with the loss of her powers, she will have to learn how to navigate dangerous situations in different ways.  She’ll still definitely kick ass, of course. But, narratively, this will open the audience up to a new side of Sara. Which is damn impressive for a show in its seventh season.  I don’t know if that all made sense, but I do hope that LoT comes back for at least another season so we really get to see how Ava & Sara navigate this new phase of their relationship. 

[lwt28brave]

LT2 masterpost

If it was up to me, we would get an autumn or winter EP. Since it’s not up to me at all, here, enjoy this post with everything we know so far of LT2, which is to say, not much at all. Everything here is hypothetical. I’ll be updating every time I see something relevant. A little disclaimer that while this is a masterpost (kinda), it could be read as discourse (duh, it’s also a theory), AND it’s also by me, and you shouldn’t expect me to be serious at this point.

Due to me restraining myself, there’s no reference to any of the times he’s mentioned his guitar skills and him improving but I hope you know I cried every single time.

I’m also linking my old pinned here. It was written before AFHF and around the free merch thing that didn’t lead to much, but I still think I made some good points.

Possible tracks:

Copy of a Copy of a Copy

Change

Faith in the future??

369??

Possible names:

369

Faith in the future

When is the album coming out?

Your guess is as good as mine

Friday 28th of January 2022. Almost two years after Walls. It’s a Friday. It’s a 28th. What else can I say?

Here you can find @want-to-be-loved timelines for every month.

Here you can find @berlinini’s timeline of what Louis has been up to this year (2021).

The rest is under the cut. And here you can find a PDF version where Tumblr can't tell me how many pictures I can add.

2020

He said back on May 2th 2020 he wasn’t writing anything new yet.

(x)(x)(x)

Interestingly enough, he’s said many times after that that the album’s not ready cause he has no new experiences to drawn from. I won’t call him out because he does it himself.

May 4th. He liked a tweet from DMA’s Johnny Took saying they had to go write together again. Louis has been credited as an influence for them and (kind of) participated in their previous record, so I’m assuming he meant for their music and not his, but you never know.

Nothing(literally nothing??? how did we survive) until 11th of July. We all know what happened that day. We all celebrated it. Nonetheless, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

(x) So, by the beginning of July 2020 he was working on concepts and ideas for the new album. That was fifteen months ago. I know perfection takes time but…

Brief summary of important things that happened from then until the next mention of new music:

Louis left Syco!!!! 10 days later he rescheduled the tour for the first time. He followed Matt Vines on Twitter, probably so we could publicly shame him into doing something. Also, the 10thanniversary. He followed more people I wish he hadn’t.

Then more nothing until September. Not even a single tweet. The first merch drop was on the 28th of August but he just RT’ed the tweet. He first mentioned Free my Meal on the 25th of September. Then on October 1st Walls hit #1 on a lot of countries and Louis was incredibly happy and excited about it ^^

And then, that same day, October 1st, 2020, he dropped this bomb:

(x)

He also said it was too soon to be sharing new lyrics with us (x)

And, obviously, this tweet which is actually what made me start this whole post. I would hope you know mate.

(x)

He also told us he was cooking "banger after banger" and that he was incorporating more social themes into his music (x)(x) (I believe any social issue is a political issue but that’s not the point rn).

COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY?!?!

These next paragraphs are brought to you by my mind not remembering things and me not having any links. I’m assuming COACOAC came from those writing sessions that supposedly happened in October. Or in LA but I have no idea if he actually was in LA at any point other than a Daily Mail article putting him there on December which would have been too late, but I do remember that someone said he was in the studio in LA last autumn???? A rumor. Maybe. IDK. Did I mention already all of this is very hypothetical?? Well, this is it. I can’t even remember if this was October or November or what. So, take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also… taking the liberty to assume, if you must, that Copy wasn’t meant to be a Walls reject because it sounds more mature and darker and it has a vastly different tone that Walls songs. I know he’s said that song probably isn’t getting into the album, but I want to have faith (in the future) that I’m getting a studio version. (But also, Louis, if you’re reading this, first of all GET OUT OF MY BLOG second of all, please don’t ever feel pressured again to add a song to the album because we have already heard it before. It’s your art and it should always be under your own terms).

So yeah, I believe that Copy is either one of those four songs (then imagine the other three??!!) or was written around the 1st of October date.

---End of the Intermission---

Then not much important (other than sharing more about Marcus Rashford fight against food poverty and the 2nd merch drop) until he announced the livestream on the 24th of November. (x)

It wasn’t until a few days before the livestream date we even thought again about new music (jk, I know we’re always thinking about new Louis’ music). So, December 9th/10th, 2020. Nine months ago. We got our first taste of new music!

He made sure we knew Copy of a Copy of a Copy isn't a cover! (x) (x)

(x)

Ok, so that’s it for 2020. (I feel like I’m missing something from September 17th because tweet was deleted but maybe he was still talking about cucumbers. We might never know. Unless I understand how Tumblr tags work). Expected, cause Walls was released in 2020. We needed to let it sit for a while.

2021

Another Summary: Louis third tweet of the year was telling the UK government off. So was the fifth. What a good beginning. On the 26th of January, he said he prefers pancakes over waffles. I hope he meant pancakes other than his own. More importantly, he tweeted the infamous “you lot read into things too much”. Don’t get me started, Tomlinson. Don’t. Then the 31st came around and Walls was one. He tweeted this. How wise. And Project Defenceless happened!!

15th of February!! Who cares about Valentine Day when the next day we got this? ♥

(x)

(x)

So…AN EP?? AN EP?? PLEASE RELEASE AN EP.

“I’m sure I will have something out this year but unlikely that will be the album”. Unlikely but not impossible. Also. A single would be good. This is the second time he mentions releasing something in 2021 and he sounds surer about it than the first time around.

He also said that he isn’t sure we will get a studio version of Copy. And that the best bridges from Walls to LT2 are Walls, OTB, KMM and Copy. Can’t wait!

Then we jump to March 6th when he announced he was going to create his own management company. “Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief”. As we can tell he was already manifesting some stuff which will lead us to the numerology stuff/Tesla… kidding. Or not. We might never know.

On the 22nd of March he answered some questions:

He told us music was still his main focus ♥ mwha. (x) I included this tweet to guilt-trip him into giving us music in case he’s reading this even after I told him to leave. ILY.

(x) I’d love to get a visual EP this autumn. Just saying. It sounds like a lovely concept.

(x)

…next (I will get into it, I promise. I’m just mad).

On the 25th he left for Mexico until April 10th. You could assume it was just for the documentary where we got ten seconds of footage or admit the obvious: LT2 its a Mexican baby!!

On the 26th (so, not so far apart from that first 369) we got the first Faith in the Future mention: (x)

Back then we were innocent people who had no idea what was coming upon us. We still have no idea because what the fuck does he mean with these. Please explain. I have one braincell and I don’t use it enough for this. I’m linking some theories.

On the 30th of March he confirmed he was already working on the documentary. So AFHF was already on the works. Will it take this long for us to get the Veeps numbers? We also got this tweet: "Got a decent chorus idea down" (x).

Same person that got the “something out this year” exclusive. If you know something share with the class. Also. Is this Change? I feel like this could be Change but I also assume he wrote Change after hanging out with his friends or being in Doncaster. But who knows.

(x) And the second mention to 369.

(x) 15th of April. The second "Faith in the future".

On the 19th of April he announced that he had something BIG for us later on the year which turned out to be the Away From Home Festival ♥♥ (x) I love him so much.

Then on the 28th he announced the 369 merch drop (which it’s probably the Walls drop? Except that the TOU and KMM ones were “drop 1 and drop 2” and this was drop 369 which, again, makes no sense) but we still don’t know what 369 means.

Into May’ 21 we go.

He rescheduled tour again. And dropped another bomb (x).

He announced he has signed with BMG as an independent artist by RTing this tweet on May 10th. The article also says that he’s already working on writing and recording LT2. The timing… we don’t know. What this deal involves… we don’t know either. Bear with me here because I have a lot to say about this.

I think the deal is only a distribution one, but that BMG are interested in Louis and what he (us) could bring to the table. They were either present at the festival or watching it, but officially they had no involvement at all with it (everything is credited either to Louis own company, 78 Productions, or Charlie Lightening’s company). That’s the case for both giveaways too; the vinyl one and the tickets for the festival.

I think it would be an unbelievably bad move not to test the waters with BMG now or soon-ish. At least a single, to see how it performs. Due to the circumstances, it’s obvious there’re certain limitations on place but I want to see how they push it, whether the radio play exist this time around and if the song is playlisted and promoted and all that… I would also love to know, since it says he signed with BMG UK, but it also states it’s a global deal, how things are going to go on the US and other countries.

Yes, yes. I know those are all questions and no answers. But I know the same as you, sadly. If any of you know more than you’re letting on… again, share with the class.

Where was I? Yes, on the 25th of May Louis had a great day writing (x). Since the first time he had mentioned he was officially writing to this date there’s almost eight months. And I believe he was writing before October’ 20.

He followed Robert Harvey that day and, on the 28th of May (why is it always the 28th???) he was spotted at the studio for the first time.

June was an interesting month for the fandom ♥. Lots of LHL content which I will love and cherish for the rest of times. On June 4th, June 9th, and June 10th he was spotted at the studio, but I believe he was there more days.

(x)

This was posted on June 6th and captioned Studio. Charlie also shared it with “Mega tunes being put down, can’t wait for this @louist91 #louistomlinson #LT2” as the caption. This gives me 2019 (Elton-Joint) vibes. I like it. Feels like we’re getting closer to something.

He added the Milano date on the 9th too which I’m mentioning because I’m going alone. Anyone wanna go with me please? I’m nice and I never eat anything before a concert so you can have my food. On other news. It didn’t come home.

During July he was at the studio at least three days too. Probably more. Feels like more with all the fan pictures we got. Or was that June? Anyway, July 1st and 9th we got some videos from Robert Harvey and wearesuperhi, which is who Louis has been working with the most, that we know of. I don’t know for sure they’re from that day. And on July 5th we got an article and lots of pictures of Louis looking really good outside the studio.

On the 12th of July the first fans started getting the free, 369 bucket hat and print. We still don’t know what the purpose was other than to thanks fans. Maybe that was it. I want answers and I still think it relates to a future project (see theories above), but it could also just be a bridge with the Walls breaking.

He didn’t tweet about anything interesting for a while, mostly because he lost his phone (he either throwed it in the air or smashed it who knows). Then on the 29th of July he announced the festival!

I’m glossing over it because there’s already been a lot of talk about it (rightfully) and while it was a wonderful thing, it doesn’t have much to do with LT2.

Let’s talk Change!

On August 3rd he tweeted this about the setlist.

(x)

And this (x) on the 28th! I can’t stand him.

We didn’t get it, obviously. Because who was going to get that. But we read too much into things. Alright.

On the 16thof August Dave Gibson shared this post tagged #LT2 with the eyes emojis 👀👀👀. I believe this has to do both with Change but also with whatever else came out of that Mexico trip.

(x) Last relevant tweet related to LT2 is this one.

So, on the 30th of August we got Change and we cried, and we know that Change is going in the new album. He said it. With those exact words. He also said he was “getting a feeling for it”. This has to meant he already has a general idea of the vibe of the new album and what’s going in it!!!!!! (Right? RIGHT?).

Anyway, let’s go back a few weeks because some other things happened on August. He was at the studio a few more times. Or it was suggested that he was there. On the 17th and the 18th. (Why was it so time-pressing to be at the studio instead of rehearsing for the festival? There was no studio at all on the documentary. Which makes sense, but again, then why?).

On the day of the festival we got another mention of Faith in The Future that made me feel part of a cult ngl. The words were flashing on the screen for less than a second. Okay.

And then he tweeted those words again after watching the livestream/documentary on the 4th of September (x). This is what makes me suspect it's either the name of the album or of the single.

On the same day, we got some interesting quotes about LT2 on the documentary.

“Soon I’ll have to think about me second album, which in my head I’ll get the tour out of the way and then I’ll address that. So, I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest”.

“When every day is the same is hard to feel creative and it’s hard to have any kind of proper inspiration”.

“As season started to come back, I started writing again and it was great and some of these songs turned out alright”.

And I think this is it. I might be overlooking some important details but that’s what we know and what we don’t know.

So. Conclusions. That’s what you missed on Glee. I do believe the album is, if not mostly done, partially there. And yes, this post is pointless and never-ending but it’s all in here if you need to tell Louis “Hey, you said this, mate”.

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[juniorgman187]

Serpent of Eden (Part 1 - Reid Series)

Maybe he stole her innocence. Maybe she never had any . . .

Summary: Reader’s one night stand with Spencer turns into a year-long semester. (yes, for all you PLL fans, this is largely based off of Ezra and Aria don’t @ me)

A/N: Strongly suggest listening to “From Eden” by Hozier while reading 😌 Couple: Fem!Reader x Professer Spencer Reid  Category: Fluff, Angst, Series Content Warning: allusions to teacher/student relationship, age-gap, allusions to penetrative, public sex Word Count: 3k

BIG BIG BIG THANK YOU TO @andiebeaword​ @inkstainedwritergirl​ @thelovelyrose​ and @imagining-in-the-margins​ for their help with the title!! 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

Babe

There's something tragic about you

I’d been absentmindedly humming the song as soon as I heard the opening tune, giving the song more attention than the impatient bartender in front of me who had to wave her hand in my face to bring me back to earth. 

“Hello?” She set her weight on one hip, clearly annoyed with me. “What do you want to drink?”

“Oh, right, sorry. Just a water please.” 

Mild humiliation manifested on my face, earning the concern of the stranger beside me. 

“You okay down there?”

I laughed softly to mask my shame. “I’m a bit jet-lagged. I just got back from Europe.”

I hadn’t noticed him sitting there before, probably because I practically slept-walked into this place by happenstance, but once I answered him, my eyes naturally drifted in his direction. Consequently, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. 

Something so magic about you

Don't you agree?

He was charming in the most peculiar way. His hair was a mess of curls, that I positively adored for a reason I couldn’t quite figure out; a stark contrast to his clean suit that targeted my insatiable desire for sharply dressed men. 

“Where in Europe?” He asked with genuine curiosity, sipping from a mug with steam floating out of it. 

“Iceland.”

He raised his eyebrows in earnest surprise. “I heard it’s beautiful there.” 

“It really is. The waterfall we visited was insane. Here, lemme show you a picture,” Pulling out my phone, I leaned over the seat between us to show him a photo I’d taken of the waterfall, not even realizing how close he was until I smelled his cologne. It was such a unique scent that I knew I could only ever associate it with him, even if I were to never smell it again.

There's something lonesome about you

Something so wholesome about you

Get closer to me

I brushed aside the nervousness I felt from his close proximity and slid back into my rightful spot a seat away. “You should definitely go if you’re considering it. I’m planning on going back this summer.” 

“Yeah, I’m, um, I’m definitely considering it.” He grinned, displaying a pair of dimples that made me weak. I let myself wonder if I was the reason he was considering going. 

Unconsciously, I turned my bar seat fully towards him, showing that he had my undivided attention, and asked, “So do you go to Hollis?” Referring to the college just nearby that I attended. 

“No, no. I graduated ages ago, but um, I work at Quantico.” 

“Quantico? Like FBI Quantico?”

“That’s right. I’m, uh, I’m a profiler for the Behavioral Analysis Unit. We specialize -”

“In building profiles for unidentified criminals. No, yeah, I totally know what you do! At the law firm I work at, the prosecutors use profiles all the time. That’s so cool that you do that.” 

He wasn’t even mad that I’d interrupted him, no, he was glad. He smiled, looking almost proud of me. 

No tired sigh, no rolling eyes

No irony

“So you work at a law firm?” His mouth hidden behind the rim of his cup. 

Doing my best not to look at the way he licked the taste of coffee from his lips, I had to consciously keep my eyes steady on his as I answered. “Yeah, I do. There are like generations and generations of lawyers in my family, so I’m just continuing that tradition, I guess.” 

The conversation paused for a moment again, while his stare lingering on me too long for comfort that I had to look away. 

No "Who cares?", no vacant stare

No time for me

“I love this song.” I muttered under my breath, simply bringing it up to find a reprieve from his overwhelming gaze. From my peripheral, I caught him smirking, still staring.

“From Eden. B-32.”

Him simply knowing the jukebox number for the song felt like a sign.

Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword

“Hozier wrote it in a tongue-in-cheek way from the point of view of the devil looking at something innocent and seeing it as a missing part. The song tries to woo a woman while admitting that the relationship would be deeply flawed.” He informed me.

“Wow, that’s beautiful. Almost makes me want a forbidden kind of love.” 

Oh, had I only known the irony of my sentiment.

“He’s so good with his prose and poetry. It’s actually what inspired me to go to Iceland. I thought a change of scenery might be good for writing. Not much here in Virginia that’s quite like the beauty of Iceland,” I rambled, catching myself and consciously slowing down the rate of my words. “But um, I don’t write anything really good, just stuff that’s for me mostly.”

“I’m impressed.” 

“Why?”

With the utmost nonchalance, he stood from his chair, sliding his drink down the bar with him as he took the empty seat closest to me. I tried not to let my vision drift from his face to his actions, in the same way that he kept his gaze firm on him while he spoke. 

“Well, I tried writing, but I didn’t get very far. You’re lucky. If you’re writing for yourself, it’s true passion,” He paused to glance at his empty glass, like he was debilitating whether or not to say this next part. “Maybe you’d let me read some of it?”

"Yeah. Sure. If you really want to.” 

“Yeah, I’d love to,” He chuckled. “You’re smart, you’re well-traveled - great taste in music. I’d like to know more about you.” 

Innocence died screaming; honey, ask me, I should know

I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Maybe the flattery got to my head, but I couldn’t help the sudden surge of confidence bursting through my veins. 

“I’d like to know more about you, too.” I confessed. 

Needless to say, we didn’t waste another second getting to know each other. 

Well, as much as you can get to know someone after you fuck them in the bathroom of a bar. 

Babe

There's something wretched about this

Something so precious about this

Where to begin?

. . . 

“And where have you been, young lady?” Holly asked, acting more like my mother than my roommate upon my return to the dorm. 

“The Hollis Bar and Grill.” 

“Doing what exactly?” 

I would be remiss not to take up the opportunity for witty banter. 

“Spencer.” 

She rose from her seat at an ungodly speed to chase me down and force me to explain everything. 

“Who is he?”

“Some guy.” I blankly answered, not finding it in my jet-lagged heart to recount every last detail. 

“So is it just Spencer? No last name?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you usually ask your one night stands for their last name?” I shot her an accusatory stare. 

“Oh, is that what we’re calling this? A one night stand?” 

My agreeing nod was interrupted with the ear-splitting squeal of joy that erupted from Holly. 

“You had your first one-night stand!”

“Say it any louder, would you?” 

“Sorry, I’m just so proud of you! My baby’s growing up.” Pretending to wipe tears from her eyes, Holly pulled me in for a hug. The only way I could manage to get out of it was if I promised to tell her every little thing in the morning when I was well-rested, and fingers crossed, less jet-lagged. 

As promised, in the morning, I revealed to Holly all the details of the night before, including, but not limited to our thought-provoking discourse, his appearance, and his performance.

“At the end, he told me, ‘I will never forget you.’” I gushed to Holly. 

And he definitely meant it, because after tomorrow, he most certainly would not. 

. . . 

The first day back from Spring Break is typically the hottest day of the year, and today was no exception. It was breaching the three-digit-degree mark, which is how you know it’s hot, but we were still forced to endure the cruel and unusual punishment of wearing a uniform anyway. One that consisted of a white button-up, a plaid pleated skirt, and some type of University cardigan over it. 

Usually, this didn’t pose a problem, and I would comply, but we’d recently been hit by an ongoing heatwave that didn’t look like it was stopping anytime soon. 

Even as I got ready in the morning, with my windows shut and the air conditioning blasting, I was sweating like a pig. I had a paranoid feeling that my makeup would melt and run down my face by the end of the day, so I sat in front of the fan to cool myself off. I struggled with my hair - not that I didn’t normally struggle to style my hair every day because my kinky curls weren’t exactly manageable. But I had no interest in straightening it because I knew the humidity would just return it to its naturally curly state anyway, so I settled for letting it run wild. I’d probably work up a sweat trying to style it at all, honestly. 

As I packed the last of my things into my backpack, I finally slipped on my Uni cardigan over the rest of my uniform to complete it. I’d been delaying this part for the better part of an hour because I knew exactly what would happen the second I put it on. And just as I anticipated - I felt faint. My cheeks grew pink the minute I stepped out of my dorm; exposing myself to the sun that was visibly beating down on everyone in the courtyard. 

“Y/N!” 

Behind me was Christina, who was jogging to catch up with me. To be considerate, I stopped walking, giving me the opportunity to look at her wholly. She was only wearing the skirt and the button up, with her cardigan wrapped around her waist. 

“Are you allowed to wear your cardigan like that?” I asked after she finally caught up to me. 

“No, but I’m going to do it anyway. Stick it to the man!” She threw up her fist into the air with a proud grin plastered on her face.

Ah, yes - stick it to the man. One of Christina’s favorite five-word mantras that she stuck by. The other being - we do what we want. 

But, see, it was easy for her to say that because she never once faced repercussions for her actions. Take her hemmed skirt, for example. She shortened it by an inch - not allowed, by the way - but here she was, donning her hemmed skirt and receiving no punishment for it, not even earning a second glance from the campus security we just passed. 

How she managed to get away with as much as she did was beyond me. The only way I could describe it was that she had this magical gift of invincibility - she could never get in trouble for breaking the rules, completely untouchable. But for me, I knew the second I acted out, I’d be sitting in front of the whole school board, begging them not to expel me. My luck was just that bad.

“You don’t always have to do what they say, you know?” Her words were tempting fate.

“Yes, I do.”

“Why do you always have to be such a goody-two-shoes? Why can’t you just let loose? You’ll have so much more fun.”

“But that’s just it - I’m not here to have fun, Christina! I can’t afford to mess around every day and break the rules. I’m not like you, okay? I actually had to work to get here.” My voice had taken on much more anger than the situation warranted, which I instantly regretted. 

Her head cocked to the side in shock. “You don’t think I had to work hard?” Christina’s voice now matched my previous level of rage.

“I’m sor-”

“It’s fine. I’ll see you after class.” 

Great. 

I watched in lamentation as she briskly walked away from me, clearly upset. 

As if today wasn’t bad enough. 

Though I knew she wanted me to chase after her and beg for her forgiveness, I had much more important things to attend to. Plus, I trusted her word - she’d see me after class and I could apologize after then, but as for right now, I was going to keep my priorities in order. 

As per usual, I was the first to arrive, and the following class, I was, too, and so on and so forth. Christina would’ve rolled her eyes at my timeliness, but I preferred being early than being late.

By lunch time, I hadn’t seen Christina since our minor altercation in the morning, but to my delight, when I reached our lunch spot in the grass, she was right there waiting for me, just like she always did. 

“Hey, Chris. About earlier -”

“No need to apologize. I shouldn’t have pushed you to break the rules. Come sit.” She patted a spot on the grass under the shady tree for me to sit on, but not even the voluminous leaves above could mask us from the sun. 

It was noon now, probably the peak of heat, and I felt like I was being baked alive. Even the wind that passed through was a hot breeze, merely amplifying the humidity. 

And perhaps I was compensating because I had a suspicion that Christina hadn’t truly forgiven me, but I started to peel my sweater off my body with the guise that I was doing it because I was burning up, and not because I was trying to get back on her good side.

She was speechless at first, but then she hit me with a cheerful, “Yeah!” While she clapped in approval, I took off my cardigan and unbuttoned the top few buttons. 

I was almost enjoying myself and how rebellious I was being. It was very unlike me, but it felt nice not to care so much, but then I heard a voice too distinct to misplace. 

“Ms. Y/L/N!” 

Mine and Christina’s head both whipped around hastily to see Mrs. Whitman, who looked furious. 

“That is against the dress code. You will report to room R-412 after school for detention. Do not be late.” 

Lest I forget to mention, Christina was breaking the dress code, too, but again - her power of invincibility protected her - a power which I did not possess.

My jaw hung low in shock. 

“Oh my god,” I turned to Christina, with my hand covering my mouth. 

“I am so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”

I shot up from the grass, replacing my cardigan where it should be on my shoulders and buttoning the top few buttons of my shirt to regain some dignity. 

“Where are you going?” Christina called out after I abandoned her at the table.

I didn’t answer, out of pure rage, not that it was Christina’s fault, but that I’d actually foolishly broken the rules - and enjoyed it. 

The rest of the day was spoiled after that thanks to the impending doom of heading straight to detention after school was over. 

Christina texted and called repeatedly to apologize, but it would be no use. I wasn’t necessarily mad at her, although it wouldn’t have been completely untrue to say that I was, but I was madder at the situation. 

My humiliation was reinforced when after the final bell rang, I had to go against the grain of students, who were desperately filing out of the classes to return to their dorms, while I was headed for yet another “class.” I normally would’ve been one of those students, briskly shuffling out of a classroom with a million other people, trying to cram through a tiny door to leave, but now I was an outlaw, and I wasn’t sure that I liked it.

I found the room in no time, having studied the campus map until I knew it as well as the back of my hand. I even recognized the room number from when I asked my counselor for an application to audit Dr. Reid’s Criminology class, but I was declined acceptance, giving me all the more reason to hesitate to enter. I clutched onto the doorknob and lingered in the doorway, trying to find the nerve to walk in and commence my punishment. 

With one exasperated exhale, I swung the door open and marched in with my head down and my tail between my legs. Taking a cursory glance, I didn’t see a teacher anywhere.

“Hello? Dr. Reid?”

My small voice ricocheted off the high ceilings and reverberated back to me, instilling me with the chills of being alone in this large, empty classroom. 

I hadn’t yet taken a seat, mainly in case I needed to run for my life, I’d just need to pick up my feet instead of get up from a seat, but more so because I expected someone to be in here to instruct me on where to sit. I was more surprised that it was just me here and not anyone else, which made me reflect even harder on the idea that maybe I was the only one here because everyone else in this school had more discipline than me. But I also had to consider that the kids that were troublesome enough to land themselves in detention probably had no intention of suddenly abiding by the rules and showing up to detainment as they should. 

Out of nowhere, I heard the clunk and thump of shuffling footsteps. 

"Dr. Reid?”

From the stage I saw a figure emerge, briskly walking with a satchel crossed over their body and a coffee cup raised to their lips. 

Those lips. 

I’ve seen them before. 

Flashbacks of the night before began replaying in my head at a million miles per hour. 

“You okay down there?”

“Iceland.” 

“Quantico? Like FBI Quantico?”

“B-32.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Maybe you’d let me read some of it?”

“I’d like to know more about you.”

I felt the ground sway beneath me when the source of his familiarity became glaringly apparent. 

We simply stood there, gaping at each other like we couldn’t believe this was actually happening, totally, and completely speechless. 

“Spencer?” 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

PART 2 HERE!

comment to be added to taglist!

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[write-like-you-mean-it]

Show and Don’t Tell

Chrollo x Reader

Prompt: “I’m too sober for this.” “You don’t even drink.” “Maybe I should start.”

A night on the town is the only thing someone needs when confronted with the daunting world. It was to be a night under the flashing lights with a conglomerate mix of sweaty people trying to get a high on something than the normality.  Nothing felt better than looking at yourself in the mirror with the perfectly sculpted dress that was made for you. At least that was my mentality with the piercing red dress that revealed almost too much in every way possible. 

Chrollo’s invites always came a little too late for actually looking decent. This night was an exception as his travels took him far away from my every needy hands. Tonight must be something special if he’d text me a day earlier than his actual arrival. 

If this day was to be special, I should put special attention into my appearance. The only missing step was the bright red lipstick that he’d ‘bought’ me from a high end boutique. The red wouldn’t come off no matter how many times we’d try to remove it. 

For good measure, I licked a thin strip across my bottom lip. Even in the dust of the mirror, I knew how I looked. His high would revolve around me tonight. 

Heels always seemed like a good idea until my feet hit the pavement. The night had come swifty with the moving breeze. The cab refused to take me any closer than a block to the club that Chrollo had eloquently texted me only minutes before he expected me to arrive. 

“Running a little late darling,” said the man in a soft white button up and black suit pants. His hair was a mop of grease that couldn’t be scrubbed out in the shower that was only held back by a basic wrapping. His eyes flickered from the bottom of my feet to the top. A good look before his gaze returned to mine. 

“You could’ve told me the location earlier if you wanted me to arrive on time,” I purred in his ear before laying a kiss on my lover’s cheek. His hand found my waist before I even had a chance to touch his skin. 

Chollo, the ever loving gentleman, led me into the crowded club. An exchange of money was dealt as a bargaining chip to enter the club earlier. A seething look fell upon Chrollo’s eyes as a few men glanced at the satin tempress before them. His hand became tighter as if to grab onto a fleeting possession that could run at any point. 

Blaring loud music ran across the dance floor filled with the same sweaty people. Men and women desperately trying to get a good lay became that calling card of a good night. “Had I known you’d look like this, I might’ve just met you at your house,” he said in my ear. His voice only traveled enough so that music wouldn’t disturb the tone. 

“I thought you wouldn’t want to go to  a place like this,” I said while leading him to a darker corner. Couples pounced on each other in a fit of raunchy swaray. We were lucky enough to find a single seat near the back but away from the lewd discourse. 

Chrollo sat first before straddling him. My arms wrap tightly around his neck. “You said you wanted to go to one. I had to keep an eye on you.” His paise was fluttered with accusations and hints. I’d never cheat but the fun in flirting wasn’t lost even in this relationship. It was more fun to see the outcome of talking with others when I shouldn’t. 

I slid my tongue across my bottom lip before placing a kiss to the pale lips. His hands traveled lower until they rested on my curves. Our bodies intertwined like trembling couples meeting for the first time. His hands wanted to explore every curve, inch, and cervass as if it was the first time. Mine felt more like stabilizing myself in the uncomfy chairs. 

“I’m way too sober for this,” he mumbled against my aching neck. Muffled vibrations held the rest of his spoken words. The trail of kisses finally found its home against my lips. 

“You don’t even drink, my love,” I mumble as my teeth graze across his bottom lip. I nibble the subtle skin before softly tugging my prize. 

“Maybe I should return to it,” Chrollo said while finally allowing me to pull away. His hands found my collarbone as he rubbed the skin above it. “Or you should give me a reason why I shouldn’t.” The octave jump down in tone danced across every sense of my beating heart. 

“I’ve already given you a reason,” I mutter against his lips before grinding down on the rising in his pants. “Did you really bring me to this club just to make out with me?” The question held in the air before Chrollo chuckled. 

“Of course not,” he muttered while kissing down my neck once again. “I thought you’d enjoy a night out. Also you always said you wanted to make a show out of yourself.” Each word trembled down my quivering spine. “Men are all ogling at you. Women crave to be you. It’s exactly what I wanted.”

“Interesting way of showing it,” I smirk before moving my head to give more room for the sloppy kisses that trapsed down my body as a claim. 

“You also told me that you wanted to fuck me where we could get caught,” he mumbled. His lips suddenly left my warmed skin. His hot breath warmed the spot especially. “Meet me in the bathroom in three minutes.”

“You’re not being serious,” I gasped before his lips locked mine again to claim them. 

“I’m serious. Be there on time or you’ll be punished.”

I left it off here because I’m guessing people will want a part two. If you want to sent me requests, my inbox is open. Also, I’m almost at 100 people following. Thank you all so much!

[capricornsicle]

I have a feeling your ask box and I are going to be familiar. You might be hot-taked out after that killer Satomi discourse. But whenever you’ve got it in you, I’d sure love to hear what you think about Kira and her Jeff-deemed-absolutely-necessary departure.

Oh, definitely. And I do love content, so...

Kira Yukimura was done so dirty by the writers and Jeffrey “I’m not racist I’ll prove it by arguing to poc calling me out for it on twitter” Davis. Her treatment was racist, tokenizing, and it wasn’t even high-brow racism. It was sloppy and lazy. If you’re gonna write all your characters of color off the show, commit to it. She went to the desert like 5 times before she stayed. Cowards.

Kira was only meant to be on the show for the Nogitsune storyline in 3b. However, fans liked her so much that, as with Theo in season 6, she was brought back for more episodes. The difference is that Cody Christian is white-passing and male and Arden Cho is not. Female characters don’t exist on Teen Wolf without a relationship to a male character. Hayden existed for Liam. Tracy existed for Theo. Melissa existed for Scott and Argent. Allison existed for Scott. Lydia, the female character with the most screentime of all of them, spent a lot of her time existing in relationship to Jackson, Stiles, Parrish (shudder), and other male main characters. Women on the show were reduced to love interests and mothers more often than not, and Kira was the same.

I loved her character. I loved her arc. I loved Arden Cho, who in real life is as sweet and kind as her character. I enjoyed her parents, both Noshiko, who’s surprisingly funny and a total badass, and Ken, who’s the most wholesome man in the universe. The only straight man we stan. I love him.

Anyways, Kira was getting a fun arc outside of being Scott’s girlfriend, with her parents and her powers and all, and then wham, white-passing boy shows up and no more main character status for Kira. Guess there wasn’t enough room to keep the only interesting plot line of all the ones happening in s5. Personally, I would have chosen Kira over the Marrish garbage fire of underage relationships, but that’s just me.

Then. The Skinwalkers. I could write a whole essay about them, but this is a Kira post, so I’ll limit it to her. At least Luther got sent to the moon for a reason. Kira got sent to the desert for “rEaSoNs”. There was no indication that her power was out of control, but every indication it wasn’t. She was growing and learning. Then, suddenly, she was “too powerful” so she had to go to the desert and disappear for a few episodes and then go back and forth for a while before they wrapped up sending Theo to the upside down or wherever he went and she could finally go... hang out with the people who we were told could help her control her power but who only threw spears at her and gave her a season finale ex machina. Then back to the desert with you!

You can tell something was going on backstage in her treatment. Arden Cho wasn’t informed she was being cut, she had to be told by fans. Her departure was carried out as swiftly as possible, and not for any real reason. Kira would have been tremendously helpful against the hunters and in a lot of later scenes, against the Ghost Riders (and let me remind everyone that KIRA WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD LYDIA ABOUT THE WILD HUNT), against pretty much anything. Immune to electrocution? Don’t help with the hunters who love electrocuting people. Sloppy writing through and through.

And what’s more is that Kira was cut just in time for the Scalia thing, which was so fucking rushed oh my GOD nothing has ever been less natural- this is a Kira post, calm down capsicle. Anyways, Kira got replaced as Scott’s love interest and not much else by a white girl, no hate on Malia or Shelley but much on the writers. I loved Malia and Kira’s friendship, and if anyone should have gotten with Malia, it should have been Kira. (The first time I saw Malia I wondered if we were getting another ambiguously brown character, actually, but no, just Georgian and well-tanned. But I bet not all my followers knew Tracy was played by a Chinese and Cherokee actor. Or that Nolan was played by a Mexican and Caxcan actor. Or that Theo was played by a Penobscot Native actor. The list goes on of white-passing POC who got to stay marginally longer than Black or brown characters.) The “Scott ends up with a white girl he has no chemistry with” threw me for many loops, especially after I was surprised to find myself liking Scira, even though I’m usually bored by straight relationships because of their one-sided focus and nonexistent chemistry. Kira got to be a character outside of Scott, and I liked their romance better for it, and then desert for a thousand years!

TLDR on the canon end of things is that Kira and Arden were done dirty by a group of powerful white men who wanted to tell a cishet white story.

Now, on the fandom end of things, I’m stepping into the real hot water. It’s safe to say that Kira’s story was sloppy and Arden didn’t deserve that ending, but it’s less safe to say that this fandom doesn’t treat her that well either. Here’s the most popular x Scott ships on Ao3, under the Teen Wolf tag with no other filters.

Scott and Allison. Scott and Stiles. Scott and Isaac. Then Scott and Kira, in dead last. Scott and Malia don’t even make the top ships list, probably because of how rushed and sloppy it was, but I digress.

People love Scott and Allison a lot, and I get that. I liked her too. I was also sad when she died. But, unlike a lot of sentiment I see in this fandom, I don’t think she should have been brought back to fight the beast in season 5 and get back with Scott. Not only do I think bringing characters back to life without very good reason and explanation (which they wouldn’t have, come on) cheapens their death, and that bringing characters back to life is weak storytelling in general, but let’s recall that Scira is still a thing in season 5. They’re still madly in love when Kira leaves. Allison should not have come back and love-triangled so Kira could be written off for a different white girl or so the massive amount of young white girls in the fandom who love Allison would be angry at Kira for breaking up their OTP. That would have been the one thing that could have made season 5 worse. (Well, they could have made Marrish a thing or killed Mason, but Jeff Davis thought about it and a shiver went down his spine because the ghost of Christmas future hears my name in its nightmares.)

Even if people aren’t “bring Allison back” campers, they largely ignore Kira’s entire existence. People who post gifsets and posts about Allison or Lydia don’t give anywhere near the same amount of attention to Kira. I see more Malia posts, actually. And while all of them had more runtime than Kira, none of them paired with Scott quite as perfectly, or had such strong independent storylines. Lydia almost did, but it kept petering out and she kept going back to main plot only. I see lots of appreciation posts for Allison and Lydia and Malia and the men, obviously, but NOTHING for Kira or Arden Cho. We all know what happened backstage because we read the same post in 2016 or whenever and then we all stopped talking about it.

Even the racism in this fandom skips Kira. Scott antis, I’m looking (controversially) at you. I’m glad Kira isn’t the subject of a bunch of obvious racism (as much as “bring Allison back!” makes it subtle), but not because she’s a forgotten side character. Kira made the main credit sequence! She has a sword! What else could you all POSSIBLY want?

And here’s where I burn at the stake: Kira was written off her own damn “look Fun Japanese mythology” storyline half the time so it could center around Stiles. A white boy. There were numerous issues with the mythology before that — “Oni” means demon, not “firefly samurai ninja”, and it refers to a similar mythology as the western “fae”, a large collection of creatures benevolent, malevolent, and in between, with different traits and origins. Kitsunes are meant to be red or white, not gold, and they’re foxes, not cats, animation team. “Nogitsune” refers to the malevolent class of “low” Kitsune, or “wild” Kitsune, who didn’t align themselves with the goddess Inari and do divine and pious work. There are many of them and the most they really do is harass people at shrines, not murder indiscriminately for funsies. They’re only malevolent in that they like doing bad deeds, not that they’re serial killers. And they’re not one of the usual 13 low Kitsune, two of which are bad of their own accord! (Spirit and Air. Google it!) They are meant to be dealt with by Inari-aligned high Kitsune, not your average tricky fox. Among other things.

So Stiles. Outside of the Kira storyline, he’s used in a lot of fandom discourse about racism and sexism. And queerbaiting. Y’all love a scrawny white boy. Anyways, Stiles gets possessed by the Nogitsune (that’s NOT how that works but okay Jeffrey) and suddenly s3 is about him. Kira’s not evil, now let’s look at Stiles being tired and messy and killing people. Dylan #1 did a great job playing that part, no hate on him, but the fact that a white boy became the main character in a Japanese (or Korean, if you’re Jeff, same thing) girl’s storyline is. Hmm. How do you call it? Blatant racism. And erasure. Which is racism. YIKES, Jeff. There is so much wrong with Stiles being the Nogitsune and controlling the Oni and his whole story (and oh my god the other guy who got possessed was also a white boy instead of a Japanese character played by the same actress Jesus fucking Christ). I’m not going into that, because that’s its own essay.

Anyways, because of how much this fandom loves Stiles, it’s easy to ignore how Kira and Japanese characters were treated. People project onto Stiles with glee. He’s white. He’s awkward. He’s (supposedly) not super attractive. (Yikes.) He’s ditzy and bouncy and all that fun stuff, but he also always saves the day. He got written off for most of 6b and he still saved the stupid day. And hey, dark!Stiles (let’s not get into calling him dark instead of Nogitsune that’s just too much wine we’d have to crack open to say it) is a fun trope and people like posting and creating about him. Except that he’s the white boy who took Kira’s storyline. Her independent story about Kitsune and the like was all given over to him, not just by the show, but by the fandom. So now every post about Kitsune is a Stiles post, even if it started with Kira. And because it’s Stiles, and this fandom loves him, and is easily offended by people leaning too hard on the glass house around them and him, Kira gets forgotten and swept aside. Everyone would rather talk about Stiles. Who is incapable of bad. Or cultural appropriation. But if you attack him you’re being ableist because he has ADHD. This is why I relate to Nolan for anxiety feels instead.

TLDR on the fandom end, y’all don’t treat Kira better than the show did. I see a few posts here and there from some dedicated users — typically the same people posting about Boyd, Deaton, Morrell, yeah that’s it I’m the only one posting about Kali. (Un-fun fact: Kali was not played by an Indian actor, but by a half-Black actor. Jeff Davis, when called out on twitter, said “wow ok idiots we tried to find an Indian actress but it was hard actually SUPER hard so shut up and stop telling me how to write MY show”, which is paraphrasing with intent to make fun, but exactly what he said.) Y’all who know about Arden and Kira should diversify your blogs to include more POC, especially ones where the actor AND character were rudely sidelined for vague white people reasons. Post gifs of Kira along with Allison, Lydia, and Malia. Post ship stuff of Scira too. Post about kitsunes, the origin story of the Nogitsune, when you post about the white boy who became the main character of that arc. Call the show out. Call the fandom out. Stop making every bit and piece of her story about Czechoslovakia White Boy. Demand Kira in any future runs of the show, if season 7 or whatever does happen. Include her in your fanfictions, in your headcanons, in your art. You don’t have to love her, but you have to remember that she’s as there as any of the white characters are.

This take is very hot. If I receive racist asks and/or messages about this, I’m going to make fun of each and every sender.

[suna-reversed]

Hey, love. So this isn't an ask, its more about something thats a troubling me, so I would like to know your opinion. So I have a home tutor, he is 3 years older than me, will be moving to study in australia and is currently my chem teacher's TA. Today when he came over our tutoring session, i was trying to blaze through the physics questions he was making me do and he mocked the way I said *twenty* because I was not taking my time to understand one question before trying to move on to the next. (Side note: I also have a huge crush on him and am kinda obvious about it) I thought we were idk comfortable enough to joke (?), I blurted out that *If my parents weren't here, I would have kicked you for that*. He was like *I am your teacher and you are talking to me like that? For the way you talked to me, I should just get up and leave*. I am a very anxious person and that combined with my feelings for him, i said sorry, hoping that he would understand it was a joke. He told me to think before i speak, not even looking at me while saying it. Then after some time of sitting, he told me that he is leaving. While getting up, I asked him again if he was angry with me, he said and I quote *I am actually*. I also asked if there was anyway I could make it up to him, he again told me *Think before you speak*. I said okay and again that I was sorry. Also asked him he will coming tomorrow and just said that he'll see.

I feel horrible. I have been crying after he left. I don't want him to stop teaching me nor do i want him to spread this around (The student community is really close, like almost everyone knows each other and he is kinda popular). I really really like him, idk why and I hate the fact i made myself look dumb. What should I do? How should I behave the next day when he comes for our tutoring session? I am already pretty insecure about myself because I don't fit the south asian beauty standard of being thin, light skinned and graceful with words and body. I don't know what to do.

TW- anxiety, discourse?

I am terribly sorry that you have to go through such a thing. As another person with anxiety, I know how tedious the burden of overthinking can be. However, I am absolutely no expert so all that I write down below is simply coming from a place of my own personal beliefs and opinions about this situation, in the end, I would suggest you to do what you feel is best for you.

First of all, while I do feel like there’s a boundary that should be maintained between student/teacher relationships, according to what you’ve mentioned, it seems as if you did think that the two of you were comfortable with each other, especially assuming that the age gap between you two is only 3 years and you’re both students ? If he feels comfortable enough to “mock” you jokingly- to me, that seems like an obvious tone indicator for why it makes sense that you’d feel like it was appropriate enough to joke back.

Personally, his response comes off as quite odd and a little passive aggressive, but at the same time I think it’s really hard to assume a person’s feelings in such a quick switch in their temperament . Maybe they just had a bad day? Maybe he knows that you have a crush on him and doesn’t want to cross any boundaries? Maybe he just genuinely wasn’t too pleased about the joke ? (which would be a little hypocritical per say). Either way, if he is still expecting you to treat him as a “teacher” then maybe he should’ve acted like one, because I know for a fact that none of the teachers I respect would ever give me such vague and clipped responses, especially if I repeatedly asked them about it or if they could visibly see that I was panicking.

I completely understand your worries about the student council situation and about his opinion considering your feelings towards him but I would have to say- no person who makes you doubt yourself as such or makes you feel threatened enough to have you so anxious deserves much thought ! Chances are, and I’m hoping- that the situation was only the result of a bad day or mood and it’ll be completely fine the next day, but if he goes around back-talking about you over such a small thing to the student council, I don’t think a person like that deserves your effort or time.

Lastly, and this is the most important, PLEASE DON’T HATE ON YOURSELF FOR SUCH A THING. You didn’t make yourself “look dumb”, and you shouldn’t have to blame yourself for the response of another person.

Again, I understand that insecurities would always play a major factor in worsening a situation like this. I’m south Asian too and I’ve struggled my whole life trying to meet the societal expectations only to realise nothing will ever be good enough- and if you’re going to get judged no matter how you look, why not just say fuck it and just look as you like? In all honesty though, if you do wish to get closure to calm your mind, you can bring up this situation again to him tomorrow if the environment is still tense but approachable. But personally, I’d say just act the way you normally do, he should be professional enough to not get petty over such a small comment especially if you’ve apologised repeatedly. And I truly hope that things go back to normal, if not for the sake of your feelings then at least for the sake of your education. Because at the end of the day, a person who you know may mock you or make you stress over something as such so much while also making you feel like you’re not good enough (even if it comes from a place of lack of self love) should really make one reconsider their priorities.

I hope this situation solves itself out, I’m always here to talk to whenever you need any help. You deserve so much better and I’m sending lots of love your way💕💕💕

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 253: That Good Angst

Previously on BnHA: The villain Ending, whose name in retrospect is hella melodramatic for a guy whose power is MAKING ROAD MARKINGS COME TO LIFE, kidnapped Natsuo and then deservedly got his ass kicked by three teenagers. Endeavor won the manga’s coveted Best Hug award, made up by me just now, and then gave one of the best monologues in the whole series, basically owning up to all his crimes and saying he doesn’t want or deserve his son’s forgiveness. And he didn’t get it either, which was excellent. Instead, he announced to his kids that he was building them a new home for them to go live in with their mother and without him. Meanwhile Katsuki was all, “btw I’ve decided on my new hero name,” and the ENTIRE FANDOM was all “!!!!” until he went on to say, “but I ain’t revealing SHIT until I’ve told it to Best Jeanist,” which caused everyone to collectively wince and awkwardly glance at each other wondering who’s going to break it to him. Uh.

Today on BnHA: hAHAHAHAHHA.

Sorry, I forgot to turn my capslock back off. Anyways, so we return to U.A. and everything is all “HAPPY NEW YEAR IIDA!” and “STILL ON ABOUT THAT UNREQUITED LOVE THING, HUH OCHAKO?” and “LOOKS LIKE THAT SCAMPISH IMP BAKUGOU IS AT IT AGAIN!” and all the usual stuff. We then have a complete switch of gears, and I seriously mean like the GEAR SWITCH TO END ALL GEAR SWITCHES, as we cut to Aizawa and Mic driving to Tartarus! Why are they driving to Tartarus you ask? Well it’s because they got a call from Naomasa and he was all “hey, so you know your deceased childhood friend from chapters 59 through 65 of Vigilantes? Well IT TURNS OUT I HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT.” Anyway so the rest of this chapter can basically be summed up as (1) LOL SO KUROGIRI WAS REALLY SHIRAKUMO ALL ALONG, and (2) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

btw the whole reason I spoiled myself in the first place was because my dumbass id was all “WE SHOULD CHECK IF THEY MENTION THE HERO NAME” and I was like “YES” and just immediately lost all self-control. like it wasn’t an accidental click or anything; I was fully aware of what I was doing. lord knows what I would have done if I actually had been spoiled about the hero name lol. that would have been so much worse than the spoiler I actually got, so yeah. just stupid decisions all around. anyways how are you

no BnHA thumbnails on the Mangastream homepage today. must mean Kacchan didn’t make any good faces. ah well

lmao the chapter is literally titled “Shirakumo.” well I guess I wasn’t spoiled much after all. I did catch a half-glimpse (I was trying not to look; like, I had my fingers covering my eyes and was peeking through them. again, I’m not really sure what I was trying to accomplish in the first place honestly) of what seemed to be Aizawa with a shocked expression on his face though, so that’s why I was so convinced Kumo was somehow coming back from the dead or something. WE SHALL SEE

MY FORMULA 1 SON!!

lol I’m having one of those Berenstein moments. like. he didn’t always have those huge exhaust pipes running out from his sides and from either leg, right? those are just for this cover. or else something new and fancy he just added to his suit. right??

anyway so yes, Iida is the color page this week, just as we all expected from a chapter titled “Shirakumo”

“WINTER BREAK WAS OVER IN A FLASH” oh man. ain’t that always the way

wow I’ve really missed U.A. like, we’re cutting to these panels of USJ and the stadium, and it’s so fucking nostalgic geez. we weren’t even gone that long

Deku’s voiceover is talking about how they only have three months left in their “tumultuous” first year. ha. tumultuous. if Deku hadn’t met up with All Might, he could have easily fallen back on a career in PR; he’s got a gift for phrasing things diplomatically

Iida is wishing everyone a happy new year! happy new year Iida!!

he’s announcing that their class will be an action report meeting, which apparently means everyone’s gonna share what they learned over the winter break

but now he’s telling everyone to come down to Field Alpha, which Mangastream annoyingly spelled out with the Greek symbol α, forcing me to look it up because I’m sorry but I don’t speak math. ?? like what is this

now Aizawa’s sliding the door open all CRANKY because he’s MISSING HIS NAP

but Mina is all smooth like,

Mina could also have had a promising future in PR. well it’ll still serve them well in their hero careers too

oh my lord

WHAT is that FACE, Iida. just what. is that an eyebrow waggle. what the fuck. he looks like the next words out of his mouth were going to be “sliding into people’s dms”

jokes’s on you Horikoshi!! you think a panel like this will stop my “stupid sexy Iida” jokes? IT ONLY MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE

oh? someone on the loudspeaker is calling Aizawa and summoning him to the faculty room. I wonder what this could be about. probably nothing!

now we’re cutting to the changing room and the girls are admiring Ochako’s new costume!

I’ll add an ETA later where I actually analyze the changes in her costume. right now let’s just pretend like I’m aware of what actually changed. I swear I pay attention to things. by the way, why would the suitcase get heavy? her quirk can be applied to anything can’t it?

(ETA: so the costume changes are (1) an upgrade to her gauntlets, and (2) an upgrade to her headset. so anyway that’s pretty cool, even if it was really only brought up in this chapter so that we could get that SWEET YA ROMANCE DRAMA. which I know annoys some people, but at this point I feel like Horikoshi only throws it in because he’s expected to, and the way he does it is so adorably reluctant that I can’t help but enjoy it at this point lol.)

OH MY GOD

OCHAKO YOU KEPT DEKU’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO YOU IN YOUR HERO COSTUME FOR GOOD LUCK, OH MY GOD. (1) YOU ARE THE LITERAL CUTEST, (2) IT’S TIMES LIKE THIS I’M GLAD I SHIP BASICALLY EVERYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS A DELIGHT, and (3) MINA’S REACTION TO THIS IS ABOUT TO BE MY FAVORITE THING OF ALL TIME, SO LET’S COUNT DOWN TO IT IN 3... 2...

okay but before we click to the next page, I just need to draw everyone’s attention to the background of that Jirou panel, where I’m pretty sure that is Ochako acquiring Hagakure’s quirk in a moment of transcendent desperation, much like how parents are able to summon incredible strength in times of crisis to lift cars off of their trapped children and shit. we are witnessing the next stage of human evolution over here

-- oh fuck me

hello, Horikoshi? yes, this was supposed to be a cute moment of teens being teens and giggling over high school crushes. did you not get the memo. what are you doing here with this sucker punch of feels right to my fucking kidneys. why would you do that. why does this panel of Ochako make me want to fucking cry, I did not ask for this

(ETA: but like also, you see how he just instantly drops the subject less than a panel later lol. like “THERE’S YOUR ROMANCE PLOT, OKAY?? NOW BACK TO THE REANIMATED BRAINWASHED CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ARC.”)

meanwhile in the boy’s locker room! so apparently word has spread about Deku mastering Bloopwhip!

so Ojiro is evidently fucking ripped under that karate gi. Ojiro, this one corner of a panel with you facing away from the screen is possibly the most interesting thing you’ve ever done. have you considered what a costume change might do for your image. I’m just saying

lmao Deku

I have never in my life found the idea of Villain Deku even remotely convincing until this exact moment. jesus christ. Deku are you sure there isn’t a little piece of AFO horcrux soul in you right at this moment. just wondering. if it was Kaminari doing this, the headline for this chapter would be “KAMINARI 100% CONFIRMED THE TRAITOR” and even I would find myself hard-pressed to argue at this point

anyway, the hero we deserve is stepping in to bring him back to reality sob

(ETA: I’m not even going to check the bnha tag to see if there is discourse about this, because I already know!! because clearly this is a very serious panel which should be taken 100% seriously!! anyway I’m not even going to go here lol.)

it’s okay kids I’m already dialing 911. Kacchan, honey, come here. listen, we need to put you in a time out. I love you but you can’t just go around throwing your spiky headgear at people like a fucking tomahawk, and also what the fuck is that thing even made of jesus christ

sob is Deku actually fucking dead

and so, while the girls were having cute shoujo drama about a romantic All Might plush, over in the boy’s locker room an actual murder was going down

FSDKDJL

I can’t. stop laughing. I

and the way they’re all just staring at him and clearly have no idea what to fucking do at this point. “so should we just... leave it in, then?” lmao Horikoshi what the fuck kind of substance did you ingest before you went and drew this. I need me some of that

(ETA: and now that I’ve mostly stopped laughing, I would also just like to point out that he is essentially saying “I just had to stop thinking so hard about it and just do it”, which I’ve only been saying SINCE FOREVER, DEKU, but sure go ahead and don’t listen to me then!)

ALL MIGHT IS...

WHY, YOU ASK? WHO CARES!!

lol apparently it’s a pun. someone go over there and check to make sure this All Might isn’t actually a bunch of Mirios hidden underneath a trench coat

anyway so they’re completely unimpressed, because they’re all jaded fucking teenagers with no souls, and they’re asking where Aizawa is

is this the part where we slide right back into the angst after our brief humorous interlude with the kiddos. because I am ready. bring it

OOOOH HERE WE GO, LOOK AT THIS TENSION

SO HERE WE HAVE MIC ACTUALLY TELLING AIZAWA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND IT’S CONFIRMED, THE WORLD IS ENDING

and look at Aizawa’s body language. arms crossed, fingers tapping anxiously, gritting his teeth. fucking Mic has to tell him to calm down. jesus christ. anyway so Aizawa angst is apparently MY DRUG you guys, and Horikoshi you can go right ahead and INJECT THAT SHIT STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS

AHHHHHHH

OHHHHHH THAT’S GOOD. I might need someone to come and slap me in the face in another minute just to make sure I can continue here

-- HOLD UP, WHAT

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS THE SOUND OF MY MENTAL BRAKES SCREECHING TO A FUCKING HALT, EVERYONE HOLD THE FUCK UP WHILE I DO A QUICK MENTAL ROLL CALL OF THE VILLAIN CAST AT USJ. FUCK ME, PLEASE TELL ME HE WASN’T THE NOUMU. BUT ASIDE FROM HIM AND TOMURA, AND THE FACELESS NO-NAME VILLAINS, THAT ONLY LEAVES... OKAY MY BRAIN JUST SERIOUSLY FROZE UP WHILE PROCESSING THIS, BECAUSE NO FUCKING WAY

fuck me fuck me FUCK ME

there is no fucking way it can really be Kurogiri, can it?? Kumo didn’t have a portal quirk. but All For One, though?? but no wait because we know he didn’t have that quirk because he had to use the other teleportation one instead. John’s or whoever’s

so then the only other option is the Noumu. could this be the start of the Noumu arc at long last?! oh my godddddd I’m about to get up out of my seat and just jump around for a second to get all my nerves out. ahhhhhhh

Horikoshi knew full well what he was doing titling the chapter “Shirakumo” and then teasing us with this incredibly tense buildup, too. I have actual fucking chills

oh my god IT REALLY IS THE NOUMU ISN’T IT

I HATE AND LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SIMULTANEOUSLY, IT IS THE WEIRDEST FEELING. IT’S BOTH INVIGORATING AND TERRIFYING HOLY SHIT

I WANTED THIS. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE DARK. I WANTED IT SO BAD AND I COULDN’T WAIT FOR IT AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING AND WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO KICK IT OFF I JUST!!!

AHHHHH

DON’T MIND ME PLEASE CONTINUE AND IGNORE ALL OF MY SILENT SCREAMING!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AIZAWA IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS FUCKING MIND. HIS CLOSEST FRIEND WAS DESECRATED AND VIOLATED IN AN UNIMAGINABLE WAY AND TRANSFORMED INTO SOMETHING UNRECOGNIZABLE WITH ALL TRACES OF HUMANITY LOST, AND THIS WHOLE TIME HE THOUGHT HE WAS FUCKING DEAD. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A THERAPY FOR THAT, PEOPLE. THAT IS THE KIND OF ANGST THERE’S NO COMING BACK FROM

ANYWAY, SO THERE’S THAT SHOCKED AIZAWA FACE I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF YESTERDAY, NOW WITH HORRIFIC CONTEXT, AND IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL JUST BE HERE IN THE CORNER SETTING MY KEYBOARD TO PERMANENT CAPSLOCK, AND UPDATING MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION TO “THE FUCKED-UP AIZAWA ANGST IN THIS CHAPTER” BECAUSE THAT’S APPARENTLY WHAT IT IS AND ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW

OH GODDDDD

BRB UPDATING MY ORIENTATION AGAIN TO “MIC’S COMFORTING HAND ON AIZAWA’S SHOULDER AS AIZAWA STRUGGLES TO HOLD ON TO THE LAST OF HIS COMPOSURE WHILE TRYING AND FAILING TO PROCESS THIS UNFATHOMABLY HEINOUS THING THAT’S ABOUT TO BE REVEALED”

(ETA: and also!! the fact that either Mic’s hand is shaking, or Aizawa is shaking so badly that it’s affecting Mic’s hand on his shoulder too! either way how the hell am I not literally dead after reading this chapter, I don’t even know.)

WAIT WHAT!!!!

THE CORE?! SO WAIT, IS IT KUROGIRI THEN??? OR WHAT?!

(ETA: I know I’m just inserting random commentary all over the place at this point, but like, can we also talk about how Naomasa looks like he hasn’t slept in eleven years?? this is taking such a toll on his soul here and it’s heartbreaking.)

OH MY GOD!!!!!

I WISH I COULD BETTER DESCRIBE THIS FEELING BECAUSE IT’S REALLY SOMETHING!! I’M SO EXCITED AND AT THE SAME TIME FULLY AWARE OF HOW I’M DELIGHTING IN THE PAIN OF THESE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, SO IT’S LIKE THIS GUILTY SADISTIC GLEE AND AT THE SAME TIME SHOCK AND EXCITEMENT AND DAMN NEAR A KIND OF ELATION AT BEING FULLY TAKEN FOR A RIDE BY THIS EPIC FUCKING TWIST. IT’S GOOD SHIT

SDLKFJASLKDFJ;LKS

(ETA: so if they can trace quirk factors like this, they should be able to do it with the other Noumu they have in captivity, and also with any dead Noumus they’ve collected as well, yes? including the one that Stain killed a few months back? like, don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here trying to calculate the Six Degrees of Bakuangst for this plotline seeing as my brain, as ever, is focused on one thing and one thing only.

and so if they have managed to ID some of the Noumus, would that info maybe be on the Hero Network? meaning Endeavor would have access? would the interns then have access too? or if not, is his password something easily guessable, like Shouto’s birthday or something? will I ever stop running out of hypothetical scenarios along these lines? doesn’t seem likely as of now.)

“SEVERAL DIFFERENT QUIRK FACTORS” HOLY SHIT, AFO. THAT MANIAC. THIS WHOLE TIME MY RESPECTED DOCTOR OF MEDICINE WAS REALLY A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT WHO GOT CONKED ON THE HEAD BY SOME FALLING ROCKS ONE DAY. THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL TWISTS!! THIS TWIST WAS CONCEIVED IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS!!

AND BY THE WAY, THANK YOU AGAIN TO THAT ANON, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT IS FUCKING RAW. ONCE I FINALLY COME DOWN FROM THIS BIZARRE HIGH I’M GOING TO CRY FOR AIZAWA BECAUSE HE IS HURTING SO BAD RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T EVEN, SOMEONE SAVE HIMMMM

WELL FOLKS. THERE IT IS. HORIKOSHI FINALLY HOOKING US UP WITH THAT GOOD ANGST. THE PLOT THAT WAS PROMISED. THE ANGST THAT WAS AVOWED. YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE AIZAWA SHOUTA WAS SHIGARAKI TOMURA’S FUCKING UNCLE THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME. HOLY SHIT

AND YOOOO I JUST HAD A BUNCH OF THOUGHTS THAT I CAN BARELY EVEN PROCESS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS REVELATION OPENS UP SO MANY NEW DOORS NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THOUGH. BUT LIKE, IF AFO AND UJIKO WERE IN THE BUSINESS OF TAKING CHILDREN’S CORPSES AND REVIVING THEM AND INFUSING THEM WITH UPGRADED QUIRKS AND NO MEMORIES OF THEIR PRIOR LIVES, THEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT IF A CERTAIN TODOROKI SIBLING REALLY DID FUCKING DIE AND HAS ACTUALLY BEEN A PUPPET OF AFO’S THIS ENTIRE TIME OH MY GOD. THIS CHAPTER IS JUST!!!

(ETA: yeah I actually have a lot of thinking to do about this one, because holy shit. I mean there must be a reason we’re getting this reveal directly on the heels of the Todoangst Arc with all of its talk about Touya and how dead he is, right? god I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. this stupid manga!!)

AND AIZAWA’S FACE. THE WAY HE’S COVERING HIS MOUTH AS THOUGH TRYING TO KEEP HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK. THE MAN WHO PRIDES HIMSELF ON HIS RATIONALITY IS SO COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY EMOTION THAT HE’S STRUGGLING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. THIS IS THE DEFINING WOUND OF HIS CHILDHOOD, RETURNING ALL OF A SUDDEN TO STAB HIM RIGHT IN THE HEART ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A FRESH NEW KIND OF HORROR. MIC, YOU’D BETTER BE THERE FOR HIM AFTER THIS, BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO FUCKING BREAK DOWN IN THE CAR ON THE RIDE HOME OR SOMETHING PROBABLY, AND HE NEEDS YOU, AND YOU PROBABLY NEED HIM TOO, AND FUCK

I DON’T HAVE SPACE FOR ALL THIS ANGST IN MY HOUSE!!! BUT LIKE HELL AM I GIVING ANY OF IT BACK, IT’S MINE NOW AND I’M KEEPING IT!! I WILL FUCKING RENT OUT A STORAGE LOCKER FOR THE EXCESS!! I WILL HOARD IT ALL LIKE A GREEDY DRAGON IN MY CAVE. THIS ANGST IS MY CHILD NOW. FUCKING SUBSCRIBED, GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE

[night-dragon937]

I need to share my experience from a few hours ago (writing this at 2 am aug 24 2020) yesterday but first I'm going to slap a huge tw: abuse, Christianity/gay stuff, anxiety attacks, and yelling/screaming, transphobia/homophobia, self harm/cutting and a lot of cussing/swearing onto this. Like this is deeply religious and I'd rather not have discourse on my beliefs.

That should cover it...

Okay so it started out fine, my mom and i were just talking. She was drunk, and attempting to convince me that my asexuality meant that i was straight... But since she was drunk, I'mma give her that. There was a lot of aphobia but that's not what this is about She started telling me about her experience, and best i can describe it, she's a closeted demisexual biromantic lady with a preference for girls and a shit ton of internalized homophobia ("being sexually attracted to women's bodies more than men's doesn't make me lesbian, I'm still straight")

It was a mostly civil conversation, but it was adding onto my bad feelings from my dad the past several weeks making snide hurtful remarks about our religion and my sexuality and gender. Also using the f-slur against me when i had explained to him in the past how badly that word hurts me, to which he apologized profusely and said he'd never have used that word if he knew how it affected me. Obviously a lie, because he's still using it with full knowledge of the effects.

Back to my mom. She started getting into the religious side of it, but we managed to keep it civil, until the very end when she said she'd be praying for me and i said I'd be praying to help figure out who exactly i am, and she remarked "make sure you're praying to the right person" with a really threatening tone to her voice. At that point, i lost it, let her know that her saying that made me want to go back to cutting (in case she wasn't aware) and said that i needed a moment alone (or something along those lines, i was thrown head first into an anxiety attack and can't quite remember very well).

I ran upstairs as she tried to grab me and pull me back, but i managed to make it to my room. I went into a fetal position, because safe, but she came in and all i remember is her screaming repeating some question, i think, at me, me not being able to breathe, her hands squeezing my wrists way too tight, my wrist pinned to the carpet with her knee, the other with her hand as she tried to grab my jaw and force me to look at her.

Her touching me made the attack worse (hours later i still have marks and scratches) and i couldn't talk, think, or breathe. Somehow i was able to choke out repeated pleas for her to stop touching me because it was making everything worse. I don't know how long that lasted. But at some point she stopped grabbing me and just placed her hands on me and started praying in tongues. Like i was fucking demon possessed. Because i had an anxiety attack. Which my parents have been triggering in me for as long as i can remember.

I managed to sit up and get her to stop touching me, but she refused to be less than a foot away from me, even though i was going through a sensory overload and needed personal space. She finally trapped me into a corner of my room and put her arms on either side of me, one of them holding the door closed. She was screaming in my face and i was yelling over her, asking her to give me personal space and stop being so loud so that i could calm down, which she refused. I ended up very trapped and very uncomfortable and doing my best to not have another anxiety attack while replying to the most outlandish of her accusations, but mostly keeping my mouth shut in an attempt to get her to do the same.

She kept using my deadname, like usual, but it was worse for me for some reason at this point. I mentioned that and got yelled at more. I mentioned her pinning my wrists to the ground and got called a liar and she tried to make it so that i couldn't leave and grab a Kleenex until i admitted she was right and that i pinned myself to the ground (???). So i just started describing what i remembered until she got sick of it and let me go wipe my nose. She must have closed my door when she first came in. My dad (stepdad) was standing outside the door, eavesdropping, apparently.

I got a Kleenex but then my mom started yelling at me again, but i mostly just pretended to listen because i didn't want to have another anxiety attack. My dad started piping in and making me feel so much worse. He ended with saying "you're not a Christian. You don't believe in God. Even the devil believes in God." (Implying that I'm worse than the devil). At which point i started breaking down crying. And then i ran outside to have another anxiety attack but this time my mom just stood on the porch because the grass was wet and she was barefoot, but i curled up under the stars for who knows how long as i forced myself to do breathing techniques, and stim by rubbing the wet grass, which really helped ground me.

I went back inside when i was feeling better and got a drink of water and a Kleenex. And they started telling me how much they loved me and that i might not see it, but they were doing this out of love, because they were concerned for my eternity. I kept pointing out things they were doing that hurt me and better ways to do it (constructive criticism, so they know what's bad for me) and they repeatedly told me how much worse they could make it for me and that i should be glad they didn't make it worse. I pointed out that this didn't make their actions better and they said "doesn't make them wrong, either." Which ????? Victim blaming, abuse, what?

I brought up the times I've cried out to God for answers and the few times He's responded, (refusing my request for Him to kill me, telling me I'm not going to Hell for being gay/queer) bc they kept bringing up a few dubiously translated verses of the Bible and they told me that i was listening to the wrong person. That i was worshipping the wrong one. They heavily implied that i pray and worship the devil (disclaimer: i don't judge those who do, that's your life, I'm not gonna try and decide it for you, also i can admit that the church of Satan makes valid points and treats people right, from what I've seen, this is just a huge insult for them to throw at me specifically because of what I've been taught my whole life). Also invalidating my whole experience just because they don't like it.

They keep bringing up me being involved in the community (following queer people on social media, having one queer shirt, going to gsa-which they told me I'm not allowed to be a part of anymore-, having queer friends) as me seeking validation and attention, and that i shouldn't need validation and it shouldn't be about validation if I really think that this is who i am. Aka, because i am human and seek human things, i must be a total fake and fraud about all I've told them (very little). Meanwhile they do the exact same thing with their friends and social media and each other and everything.

My dad kept piping up with totally unrelated, totally unhelpful comments and tangents while my mom recited the same 5 min spiel for at least half an hour. My dad was saying how my grandparents aren't actually Christians because they agree with me that the world isn't black and white and there are some shades of gray, and because they believe once saved, always saved. That there is nothing you can do, as an imperfect human, to remove yourself from the infinite and unconscious love of God. (... I can't believe he fucking believes that humans have the ability to overrule God because it makes it easier for him to blame and condemn people he sees...)

These are the grandparents who have loved me regardless of my sexuality and gender, even tho they don't agree, and made me feel loved and gave me a place to go when i need to escape from my parents. They're the reason I'm keeping my mom's maiden name (since it hasn't been legally changed) because it's their last name, and it's them i want to honor, not my abusive shitty hateful stepdad. Unfortunately they are moving into assisted living because my papa is in a wheelchair, so i can't move in with them.

He ended that tangent with repeatedly telling me that i was not saved. That i was not a Christian. That i didn't believe in God. And that i was going to Hell. Repeatedly.

My mom made me hug her and made me tell her i love her. I ended up exercising to stop myself from becoming suicidal. I don't know if I'll tell anyone irl apart from the one irl friend i have on here. I'm not sure if I'm going to tell my therapist or not. I reached out to two of my christian friends after everything but they were both asleep. I needed to write this all down and put it somewhere public, just to be safe. I'm not safe in my own home and i can't move out because I'm a. Under 18 and b. Broke as hell

There was a lot more that happened, this lasted several hours, but i honestly can't remember all of the details besides what i typed out. Anyway so yeah i kinda wish i were dead but i also wanna stay alive for spite and show them that i can be a fabulous queer Christian and that the world is colorful, and you can't reduce that to monochrome and expect to have an even partially accurate view of the world. I want to help others like me, and help them feel better about myself.

I'm setting this as a queue so that if my parents take my phone away, they can't stop me from posting it (they have no clue how to look at queued posts) and also so that i can go to bed now and look at it again later and edit it

[atlas-plugged]

So y’all are REALLY thirsty for an Ayn Rand discourse/shipost/criticism blog, huh.

Fine, fair enough, please sit with me in my pet obsession.

(I feel like I should warn you right now that a lot of the things I approach in talking about Atlas Shrugged are going to be based in kink/sex/sexuality because I’m genuinely not kidding when I say the world would be a better place if Rand had had a nice dungeon in which to express herself)

So Cheryl/Jim and Lillian/Hank are set up as obvious parallels, where one partner is the self-determined rugged individualist and one is the bloodsucking parasite bent on eradicating achievement. In both cases the bloodsucker fakes a personality that the rugged individualist is interested in pursuing.

In Jim’s case he takes credit for Dagny’s achievements; he already has wealth and power and he pretends to have the same drive and determination his sister does in order to attract Cheryl. Lillian pretends to be interested in Hank’s work but uninterested in his person, a proud charger unwillingly submitting to the hand of a stronger master. He initially thinks less of Dagny because she’s willing to fuck him, for what it’s worth.

(BTW Dagny’s handle on the kind of sex she wants and how far she’s willing to go to get it is actually kind of incredibly progressive? People talk about the rape fantasies but honestly I don’t really see that here; in The Fountainhead, sure, but Dagny is shown either as a service sub playing maid while chasing the D she doesn’t feel she’s earned yet or as a powerbottom who is a thousand percent in charge of her interactions with Hank and Francisco - when Hank attempts to slut shame her the morning after she kicks her clothes away and basically says “you’re damn right I wanted to fuck, have you seen me? I’m incredible. You’re pretty awesome too so I wanted to bone but if you’re gonna be a shit about it I can take care of myself”)

Cheryl really ends up talking herself into trusting Jim in spite of the fact that he’s shitty to her (taking her to parties where she’s ridiculed, etc) and she works harder and harder to be what the person she believes him to be would want (poised, graceful, in control of herself).

Rearden loathes himself for wanting Lillian, but LET’S BE REAL HERE, Rand writes this dude with a humiliation kink. He thinks of himself as base and animalistic when he approaches Lillian for sex, he considers himself crude and undeserving and the fact that is impatient and horny while she delicately marks her place in a book with a pure satin ribbon makes him hornier. (The frigid, disinterested domme raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow to sneer at a sub who has to earn the privilege of rubbing himself off on her shiny latex boot because all he’s good for is humping her leg like a dog and bringing her a tribute of money is totally a thing and findom would be better for Rearden than that nightmarish thanksgiving dinner)

Anyway what I’m getting at here is that both Jim and Lillian get off on the degradation of their partners but they approach it in different directions.

Jim thinks about how he used to buy shopgirls like Cheryl for the price of a meal and he likes watching her be innocent and humiliated, confused after a social faux pas. She doesn’t want anything from him except to accommodate the things he’s done, she doesn’t want his money or even his attention really, she wants to worship at the altar of productivity and their relationship eventually falls apart because, of course, he’s been lying about actually doing things. He can no longer degrade her the way he wants to when she realizes she’s been had, she regains her dignity and control of the situation once the lie is revealed. And then she jumps off a dock and kills herself because Rand is a shitty, shitty writer.

Rearden’s situation is interesting because he’s stuck with Lillian not because of lies she told him but because of lies he told himself. Cheryl stays with Jim out of a misdirected sense of admiration, Rearden gets together with Lillian because “well isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”

If I’m being honest I find Cheryl much more interesting and sympathetic than maybe any character in the book other than, perhaps, Eddie Willers.

So my question is where does a self-determined, self-made man like Hank Rearden get the idea that he needs to get married to a society girl who won’t put out?

I think this might be an interesting question of class - Dagny, Francisco, and Jim were raised rich, they knew that marrying the “right type” was bullshit. Galt was apparently more than mortal flesh and wouldn’t touch the hand of a lover until it had been purified by fire and had the taint of society burned away so we can ignore the fact that he was from a working class background and would have had the same socialization as Hank.

So where did Rearden get it?

How does a man grow up and start his own business and buy several other businesses and hire a staff and do research and lease offices and buy a car and go about the world making his own way and still get married to someone who doesn’t respect him out of the belief that it’s the done thing?

This is one of the many, many, things that Rand doesn’t set up well about her characters. Hank is a main character for RATHER A LOT of the novel but he’s not really a person and he’s not meant to be. He’s meant to be the kind of guy who’s ALMOST good enough to deserve Author-Avatar Dagny Taggart.

So somewhere in him there’s that inexplicable flaw, somewhere in him he cares too much about what others think or was too willing to think well of people and that’s what killed his chances in the end. He’s a sucker for society, he wants to be part of something.

And unfortunately if you’re pining for Dagny Taggart that means you’re just placeholder dick.

(it’s okay, he’s clearly fine with being passed over for novels or other men; one must imagine Rearden happy and jerking it to the thought that somebody more deserving is fucking his old lady)

(I’m going to have SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT when I get to the party bracelet scene)

Anyway.

That wasn’t really meant to be coherent, I just figured it’d be a good way to kick things off before I dig into the book for real.

[omenapologist-moved]

I was going to make a post apologizing for venting so much, but honestly I am not sorry and I am not sorry for oversharing, either, and I shouldn’t be and I shouldn’t have to be sorry that I am hurting and using one of the few outlets I have at the moment to talk about my pain.

I always feel like I have to prove myself and I have to do this and that to prove I’m not a burden, but that’s... Bullshit. I’m a living, breathing person, am I not? Is that not enough? It should be.

It was fucked up what these people did to me and I will say that and I will not be silent about it.

It is fucked up that someone I got into online discourse with over kinning a fictional fucking character wound up getting in contact with ex-roommates of mine, who stole my medical documents and shared those documents with this person I got into discourse with. It’s fucked up that they then proceeded to contact a man that emotionally, sexually, and financially abused me throughout the entire spans of our relationship, and then decided that because they didn’t like me that he never abused me and that I, in fact, abused him, despite the fact that at this point he’s a known predator and I am not the first of his victims, nor his only victim, and I unfortunately probably will not be his last victim either. It’s fucked up that then, they decided to contact my abusive father, who I escaped from in 2018 and have very purposefully not contacted since, not told him where I live, etc, and tried to doxx me in order to tell my abusive father my home address. It’s fucked up that they were trying to doxx me through pictures and videos I was uploading on my private Facebook account, which they accessed because one of the people I thought was my friend was actually not my friend at all and was happily, voluntarily sharing this information with all of them. 

It’s fucked up that this same ex-friend of mine, who I have not spoken with in well over a year now, continues to try and harass me, to engage with me. It is fucked up and wrong that he has contacted my current friends, tried to slander my name, and TRIED TO PREVENT ME FROM GETTING INTO SAFE HOUSING because of this insane, incomprehensible grudge he has against me. It is fucked up that his partner literally gaslit me not only about a sexual assault I experienced, but about my overall behavior towards my then-roommates. It is fucked up that all of these people had a group chat dedicated to the organized harassment of my person, pretending that it was not a genuine hate group and was instead some sort of “support group” for people I had “abused.”

The worst thing I ever did to this ex-friend and his partner was tell them their relationship was unhealthy, because they were constantly, constantly with one another, and massively emotionally co-dependent despite having only been dating for a month, and that I had been down that road and that it was not a good road to go down and that I was concerned. That is the worst thing I ever did to this person, and somehow they twisted that and said I was trying to break them up in order to get with this friend, despite the fact that I was newly single after having been literally left for dead by my prior boyfriend (the same one that constantly abused and raped me.) and really didn’t have much of an interest in immediately entering another relationship. Both this friend and his partner would try to talk me into entering a poly triad with the two of them, an offer I nearly took them up on because I was hurt, and lonely. I am glad I did not. But they gaslit me about that, too.

It was fucked up how this person I had engaged in stupid, STUPID discourse with did all of that and interacted with all of these people who had seriously hurt me in real life, not online and then offered a non-apology to make themselves look like the better, bigger person.

It was fucked up how I was going to be on the fucking streets and so someone I thought I could trust offered to take me in while quoting a literal cult from a movie I enjoyed, and I accepted. It was fucked up how I moved across the country in with these two people I had never met before and scarcely spoken with, and how I never spoke to anyone aside from them for eight whole months, the final 3 of which I spent in complete isolation not only due to the quarantine but due to my overall situation. It was fucked up that at first they both bombed me with love and adoration and acceptance, preaching that we would be a family, and it would just be us, and any implication or mention of having anyone else join us was shot down or brushed away. Just the three of us. And they lovebombed me and bought me whatever I wanted and sang my praises, and behind my back I would learn both of them were lusting after me and in all likelihood the entire point of bringing me to Arizona was not to save my life, as convenient of a guise as that was, rather it was to add me to their harem. The love bombing, the coming onto me while intoxicated. The decision that maybe this wasn’t a good idea only after I would not accept their advances. 

It was fucked up that I wasn’t informed the apartment was overrun with cockroaches and mold and probably bedbugs until after I had moved there and found out the hard way.

It was fucked up that I thought I had known someone only to discover they were a legitimate predator. It was fucked up to have that happen twice. It was fucked up to spend 3 months genuinely fearing for my life on a daily basis, only to be told that was an invalid fear because I had homicidal ideation (which they encouraged and sexualized despite me expressing that I did not like this part of me and that I wanted it to stop and that it was deeply viscerally upsetting me and made me feel sick and that I had constant nightmares about it) and how I’m the real predator, how they should be afraid of me, if anyone is to be afraid in this circumstance. 

It was fucked up that so much of my progress with regards to my self esteem, self image, gender presentation was torn down by this person. It was fucked up to be slut-shamed by my own boyfriend, to practically be told that because I wore ripped up jeans without underwear I was a slut who was asking to be raped. It was fucked up to be told the way I dressed triggered him and that I needed to stop expressing myself because if a guy hit on me in public he would be triggered and jealous and that’s somehow my fault and my problem to solve and not his problem to solve in therapy. It was fucked up how I was roped into assisting him in stalking a 19 year old when he was 23, and how he spent nearly every waking hour talking about this boy he became genuinely obsessed with. It was fucked up that I had to watch this obsession get worse and worse and I feared for my own life because of it and I feared for and still fear for that boy’s life because of it and somehow that makes me the creepy bad one. 

It was fucked up that he scattered bird seed for some reason on the living room floor and my cat started eating it and then vomiting up white foam and I was worried that because of his constant fucking carelessness for everyone and everything around him but himself I would have to let my pet die in my arms and watch her die in my arms because of his negligence and there was nothing I could do because at the time I couldn’t afford a vet.

It was fucked up that one day I came home to the apartment covered in blood and my immediate worry was that he had kidnapped and/or hurt this boy. It was fucked up that circumstances made me think that could be a possibility to begin with. 

It was fucked up that the two of them can just go on with their lives, they can go by different names and pretend to be someone else and they’re virtually fucking fine, but I can’t and won’t, and I have even more trauma and baggage now meanwhile they’re off scott-free. It is fucked up that my praises were sung up until I stopped accepting their bad behavior and condoning it and then suddenly I was the devil itself, that we went from “I hardly remember life before you came here, you make this house feel like a home, you’re family to me, my life is so much better because of you” to just... tearing me down and threatening my life, actively and purposefully and without regret or remorse and constantly demonizing me.

It was ALL fucked up and wrong and absolutely fucking none of this needed to or had to happen, and it is fucked up that all of them are just happily getting away with it and are able to so easily demonize and blame me despite fucking abusing and tormenting me for so, so long because I dared to get angry, I dared to stop taking the bullshit, I dared to be mentally ill and to trust them with my thoughts only to have them warped and perverted and to be groomed and to be wound up like a fucking toy, wind me up and watch me go.

It was all fucked up.

[jcmorrigan]

Epithet Half-Baked!

I saw through @selfshipimagines that @nougatships is having a Yuletide F/O event...and I know I’m kind of a flighty, shadowy entity in this community, but I do like to write, and thought, what the hey, this’ll be fun. So here I come out of nowhere to contribute a thing.

The F/O? Giovanni Potage from Epithet Erased. The S/I? Rachel Scribere - mundie, writer of much fanfiction, independent contractor supervillainous minion who has also given up on adulting. (Most of those things apply to me IRL!) I decided to go with something a little on-the-nose for the “catering” theme and write about the two of us trying to arrange party food - expect much food talk and many headcanons (e.g. I see Gio as ace, even though that may not end up being Word of God). For optimal results, please listen to the Mariah Carey/MCR mashup “Welcome to the Christmas Parade” while reading this. Not to mention that song will change your life anyway. (Freeman DNI unless you’re going to get the name of the band CORRECT) 

***

I wouldn’t say Christmas was my favorite holiday, because it really wasn’t. Nor would Giovanni ever say Christmas was his favorite holiday, because he wanted to look like a cool guy who didn’t care about Christmas. That said, when our invitation arrived in the mail, neither of us needed to do much cajoling to get the other to agree to attend as a plus-one. Almost immediately, we’d begun work on what we were going to wear to the occasion.

           Well, to be fair, Giovanni was doing most of the work in that department. I’m still trying to figure out how a needle and thread even works for something besides a dangerous impromptu sushi fork. I did play a role in the design of my formal wear, however – a full-skirted red-and-green gown that served the purpose of making me look like the princess of Christmas and thereby able to pass laws banning the repeated playing of “Jingle Bell Rock” more than three times per night. As for Giovanni, he was dead set on creating the World’s Ugliest Christmas Sweater, and boy, did it ever deserve that capitalization. I don’t have the words to you to describe properly the conglomeration of non-coordinating colors and mismatched winter-holiday symbolism that went into that monstrosity. Which basically meant we were going to be the two best-dressed people in attendance.

           However, that still left the important factor: the catering aspect. This was essentially a potluck, and as much as we would have loved to skim off everyone else’s hors d’ouevres and pretend we “dropped” ours on the way there, eventually, our need to show off our cooking skills combined with my compulsion to contribute to community activities won out over the dark side of our consciences.

           My first mistake was going into that kitchen with no idea what Giovanni was planning on making. Me? I was set on a hot-chocolate-and-marshmallow cake. Festive and full of my two favorite flavors! Not to mention I’d baked in the past as a hobby, though it had, admittedly, been a while. I was actually rather looking forward to this.

           “So, Composer,” Giovanni asked as I set up my laptop, “can we expect any musical entertainment?”

           “Damn right,” I said as I clicked through playlists.

           “Just please tell me you’re not gonna stick us with three hours of Christmas music bullshit.”

           “Oh, trust me. We are going to get enough of that at this party.” I set off a rather jaunty emo-pop number with guitars that were just obnoxious enough.

           “Oh, yeah,” Giovanni cried, “this is PERFECT! Totally captures our debonair yet badass essence. THIS is why I let you pick the car music.”

           I gave him a playful bow. “Okay. Let’s do this thing.”

           I began rounding up my ingredients: flour, sugar, cocoa powder, et cetera, et cetera…

           “Done.”

           Wait…”What?”

           I had only just gotten my ingredients lined up on the counter, yet Giovanni was leaning over the other edge of the island, elbows on the countertop and head in his hands to give me a playfully innocent look, as an enormous pot of something steaming, golden, and tantalizingly scented sat before him.

           I peered into the vessel, making note of the contents. “Is this…butternut squash soup?”

           “You know it.”

           “…You made soup.”

           “Is there a…problem with that?”

           “Your Epithet is literally soup.”

           “Aaaaaand…?”

           I marched around to shake my index finger at him on every word: “You. Fucking. CHEATED.”

           He rose, pointing right back at me: “I’m. The. BAD GUY. So I don’t care!”

           I gave my eyes a sufficiently dramatic roll. “You realize this is gonna take me like two hours.”

           “I’ll watch.”

           “You could at least help. You’re good with this stuff, you know.”

           “Hmm…” Giovanni pretended to think it over. “No, don’t think I will.”

           “I hate you.”

           “That’s too bad, because I love you a lot, Composer.”

           I blushed, then muttering “IloveyoutooandIdon’thateyouandIwasjustkidding.” Quickly followed up with “Okay, I’m gonna start doing this shit BY MYSELF, then.”

           Baking an entire cake with your boyfriend just smugly staring at you is…an experience. Not a bad experience. But an experience. Still, I thought I was on a good track so far. Until it came to the electric mixer.

           As a disclaimer, I stated, “It’s been a while. I’m a little rusty.”

           “It’s just an electric mixer.” He shrugged. “Even I couldn’t screw up – I mean even SOME LOSER LIKE SYLVIE couldn’t screw up using it.”

           Well, now the pressure was on. I flicked the appliance to life, dipping it into a pool of eggs suspended in buttermilk, and immediately plunged into chaos. The thing about electric mixers is that they are an extreme balancing act. Too far down into the bowl, and the blades will make a horrible grinding noise against the bowl bottom, making a catastrophizer like me worry about glass shards ending up baked into the dough. However, it is very important that if this happens to you, you do not do what I did and overcompensate by yanking the still-spinning blades out of the bowl, thereby splattering eggs and buttermilk all over yourself.

           As I was attempting to figure out damage control, I became acutely aware of Giovanni trying to hide an absolute fit of giggles. “You know,” I growled, “this wouldn’t HAPPEN if you would HELP me.”

           I absolutely did not want him to help me. See, I have an inferiority complex the size of the sun, and even that feels weird to say, since it’s admitting I actually possess a large quantity of anything. I wanted to make this monster cake my goddamn self, and I wanted him to be fucking impressed. Still, I was pretty sure if I didn’t ask for his help, I would just end up with some kind of inedible toxic waste.

           I wasn’t sure if he was just playing coy or if he knew me all too well when he said “No. Don’t feel like it.”

           “Come on!”

           “Composer, this is YOUR time to shine! I’m not getting in the way of YOUR masterpiece blowing away the competition?”

           “…Gio, it’s not a com – “

           “OF COURSE IT’S A COMPETITION! EVERY POTLUCK IS A COMPETITION! WHY ELSE HAVE EVERYONE BRING DISHES OF VARYING QUALITY IF NOT TO DETERMINE THE SUPREME CHEF AT THE PARTY?”

           Well, if it meant somebody might think of me as supreme chef, I sure wasn’t going to argue. Unhealthy as that might be for my ego.

           So I let Giovanni actively not help me. Even when I tried to crack another egg and it rather exploded from my overuse of momentum. But thankfully, the rest of it seemed to be coming together well. As it baked, I decided to use that time to put together the icing. The recipe, of course, called for cream cheese icing, but that is not real icing (don’t @ me) and I absolutely refuse to sully any of my confections with it, ever. I was making the real stuff – just butter, chocolate, milk, and way too much sugar.

           However, that meant a rematch with my archnemesis: the electric mixer. I gave it a very sour glare as I picked it up again.

           “Ooh, someone’s mad,” Giovanni teased.

           “Damn right I’m mad,” I told him. “This thing fucking hates me.”

           “No…I think you’re just bad with it.”

           “WHAT THE – “

           He was at my side then, using one hand to guide my face upward to meet his gaze: “Because no one and nothing could ever hate you, my beautiful, beautiful Composer. And anyone who does can EAT SOUL-SLUGGER DOOM-BAT.”

           Well. Now I was a flustered mess. I gently leaned forward to rest my forehead temporarily on his collarbone. “No, you,” I teased. “I mean it. People who hate you don’t have souls. End of discourse.”

           “And this is why we GO TOGETHER!”

           “Damn straight.”

           It would have been a beautiful moment if I hadn’t been thwarted, yet again, by the mixer. The grinding of the glass, the startled removal of the blades, a chocolate splatter –

           Except this time, it missed me. No, the stuff made a direct hit on the tall, pink-haired, and handsome card-carrying villain standing next to me.

           I gaped at him momentarily, unsure what to say. Then it all came rushing out: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry – “

           “Sorry?” he repeated, and at first, I thought he actually was angry. “You’re SORRY? Oh, it’s too late to be sorry, Composer.”

           When he picked up the quarter-full bottle of vanilla extract from the counter beside us, I realized his game. “This means war,” he growled in a not-very-growly-at-all way.

           Our eyes locked. His way of asking permission. I gave the slightest of nods; “I guess I deserve it. But you know I’m not going down without a fight.”

           The vanilla sloshed onto me. I smashed an egg onto his shirt. He dumped about a half-gallon of soup down the back of mine.

           Now, what you must understand about a food fight that takes place in the Potage-Scribere kitchen is that anything, and I mean absolutely anything, becomes a weapon. Even things that weren’t part of the dishes we were cooking. The refrigerator was raided, the cupboards stripped bare for the ensuing battle. Whatever we could hit each other with, we did. Smashing tomatoes against each other. Sneaking ice cubes into each other’s clothes to try and get a shriek. Several different flavors of soup flying through the air, of course. Retaliation in the form of grabbing the sprayer from the sink and brandishing it like a Banzai Blaster standard-issue pea-shooter.

           Then my timer let out a “ding” to inform me that the cake was done baking. Giovanni froze, standing perfectly still as I transferred the cake to the fridge to let it cool down.

           Then we picked up right where we left off.

           It came to a head when Giovanni had ended up with two cans of aerosol whipped cream, dual-wielding them at me. I had an ice cream scoop in a tub of whipped cream, ready to lob it like a snowball.

           Wait -            “Gio, why do we have three things of whipped cream?”

           “Well, I picked these up when you texted me our respective assignments for grocery day last weekend.”

           “I told you to get toilet paper. I was gonna get the whipped cream.”

           “No, you said YOU were getting the toilet paper, and I should pick up whipped cream.”

           “DID EITHER OF US GET TOILET PAPER?”

           “…I’m thinking no,” Giovanni mused.

           “Okay, emergency store run after this for toilet paper,” I declared. “Resume.”

           Instead of turning the cans on me, Giovanni spun to kick an apple off the counter so that it would hit me in the sternum. I recoiled, but only slightly. “The fuck was that?”

           “That? Oh, THAT was…well, Composer, have you been keeping track of how many hits I’ve landed on you?”

           My eyes widened. “SON OF A BITCH.”

           “THAT’S RIGHT!” Giovanni crowed. “TWELVE! WHICH MEANS WHEN I LET THESE CANS LOOSE ON YOU, IT’S GONNA BE CRITICAL!”

           I let go of the ice cream scoop; it clanged to the floor. “Okay, okay!” I put up that hand in a gesture of surrender. “I give!”

           “…Seriously? But it’s no fun if you – “

           “I am NOT in the mood to get blasted by critical whipped cream, Gio.”

           Giovanni shrugged, not letting go of either can. “All right. Then it stops here.”

           I pouted. “I really am sorry I started it. Can we just…you know…kiss and make up?”

           “Absolutely.”

           I had counted on this. I let him shut his eyes, pucker his lips slightly, lean forward. I advanced.

           And then, screaming “WORTH IT!”, smashed the tub of whipped cream directly at his face.

           The resulting blast of the aerosol whip was like getting hit with the blast of twenty-six cans of aerosol whip – which, really, isn’t that harmful at all. Just a lot messier and with some added momentum; I ended up skidding across the kitchen floor. “Okay!” I laughed. “I really do give in now! I promise!”

           Giovanni was already scooping the cream off his face and shoveling it into his mouth (and this is the part where I want to remind you that as ripe of a picking as this seems for innuendo, neither of our sex-repulsed minds would have it). He then slumped down onto the tile next to me, leaning onto me.

           “Well played, minion,” he said with a grin. “We’ll make a bona fide villain out of you yet.”

           “Bold of you to assume I’m not already there.”

           We actually did kiss then, tasting all the sweeter for being covered in sugar.

[shadowofthelamp]

I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks, but haven’t really had the chance, and figure I might as well do it now. Writing out things about how and why I relate to/like characters is something that’s always helped me when creating my own projects, both character-based fanfiction and original stuff because it shakes out what appeals to me and why.

Anyways, this is a specific analysis of why IZ matters to me, a lot. Strap in y’all, you’re getting context. 1500 words of it. Warnings for uh.... bullying, mental illness, that whole shebang. If you could like if you read I’d appreciate it.

It’s a bit difficult to detangle exactly how you felt years ago, especially when you had undiagnosed mental illness at the time. The concrete details are this: I found IZ when I was about 11/12 years old, because some kids in my class wore Gir shirts a lot. (Thanks, guys, for being polite and explaining it to me when I asked about them!)

Something about it just clicked. The only fandom I’d been involved in before that point was Sonic, and then, it was pretty one-sided: I would consume content, but only occasionally made any of my own, and I never talked to anyone. It mattered to me sure, probably almost as much as IZ did, but for different reasons that aren’t really relevant here.

To set the scene: I was 12, bullied, depressed because of said being bullied, anxious for the same reason, and the only friends I had were all just the losers nobody else would talk to. One regularly physically pushed me around and bit me and I took it because everyone else thought I was a weirdo freak, and the other two were mostly just her friends and tolerated me. (Sidenote: Turns out she had mental stuff of her own, but geez, she needed to be helped because it was never a secret she was hurting me.)

Teachers were somewhat torn on me most of the time, because I was clearly very smart and participated in class often, but had a trigger temper that other students used to bully me, and often the teacher’s response was to blame both of us if someone riled me up to the point of snapping back. I still have problems with trusting any authority figures with any problems because of this.

I was also taught to not trust people who are being nice to me, because again, I was desperate for social interaction that wasn’t Bitey the One Friend, and that was used to pretend to compliment or talk to me and then laugh behind my back about it. I’m still seriously working through this one. I probably should talk to someone about it, honestly.

So, uh. Yeah, with that as a guideline, it’s not really a surprise I latched on to IZ. Dib was the smart yet neurotic one that was desperate to prove himself to adults that never listened, and Zim was loud and aggressive and everyone seemed to hate him even as he stumbled through everything, never really realizing just how broken he was. I’d never seen characters like that before, and I especially related to Dib.

The setting also was something I hadn’t really seen before, and it got to me in a way I can’t fully explain. It was dirty and angry and stupid and sad and felt the way I did. This was how the world came across to me at the time, as something broken and unfair, with everyone in power either willfully ignoring me yelling that something was wrong, that either everything around me was broken or I was.

I joke constantly about Dib’s Birthday, the first IZ fic I ever wrote. I’m probably never going to reread it and it’s going to rot unfinished on ffnet until the servers crash, but I found a doc where I went through the first two chapters before dying of Old Writing-Itis, and... honestly, from what I do remember? It was using the characters specifically to work through this stuff that I didn’t have any other outlet for at the time. I had a brother who knew/cared so little about me that years later he told me he never knew I ever had any problems despite the fact that I was by 14, before I started getting meds and therapy, somewhat suicidal. (The bullying had eased as I’d forced myself to blend into the background and no one cared about me anymore, but the ‘no friends and depression’ hadn’t.)

And this is where we get to the shipping stuff. ‘The world is terrible and our brains are fucked and kinda broken but at least I have you, someone who understands me’ honest to god was a lifeline at that point to me, and I don’t think anything else could have delivered it quite like Za/Dr did. I don’t doubt a lot of the fics were people channeling stuff, same way I was. I’ve noticed that, much like Yugioh, this is a fandom with a lot of people that have Stuff Going On they put in, because mental illness is a theme in the show, as little as it’s thoughtfully explored. Sort of a ‘well, we’ve got the blocks, let’s take it and use it to build our own catharsis.’

I’ve also noticed I tend to keep them the age I am- when I was about 13, they were show-aged. The one I found from when I was 14, I made Dib 14/15. And I’ve expressed I kind of regret not making Dib in AiP match my age now- 20, going on 21.

I feel like I’m exaggerating a little, and maybe I am since this is my experiences told through the funhouse mirror of fractured memory, but I also talked to myself. Like, a fair amount. Out loud. I could go entire days without talking to any other students unless I was forced to, because no one would ever talk to me first or respond if I tried, so I was sort of in a ‘why even bother?’ mode by freshman year. Everyone knew me, and already was afraid of or weirded out by me because of how often I was in and out of the principal’s office. 

(The biggest chunk of the bullying, besides name-calling and the other typical stuff, was riling me up and then getting me in trouble for snapping back. It was the same people over and over, so it took less and less to get me angry over time, so by fourth or fifth grade I was going off over seemingly nothing, but really, it was just piling a bunch of sticks on top of every other thing that had already been hurled at me, so I looked like rigged dynamite but they never looked who was lighting the matches.)

JTHM was pretty important to me for similar reasons as IZ, although that was more catharsis, the idea of just being able to get rid of people who were hurting me. I’ve said before the ‘I wish someone would just turn me off and... fix me’ panel was another one of those ‘holy shit someone else knows this feeling’ moments.

Things finally started turning around for me at about 15 when I just broke down crying at a family event and my mom pulled me aside and I was sent to therapy and got medication. Long story short, it worked, and I’m mostly better on the depression front.

Bringing this back around to IZ, it’s been kind of incredible to come back and have the fandom be- well, honestly, I can’t ever remember it being this active. I was terrified to interact directly in a way that wasn’t reading things and pushing my own content out into the void, not talking to anyone one on one. By 13, I was better about it, and soon before 14 was when I made my tumblr and started actually talking to people. I recently stumbled across age discourse from that time through tumblr’s ‘more posts like this’ function and it kind of surprised me, but I guess it’s always been there.

I’ve said before that when I remove the rose-colored glasses, my experiences weren’t always great. FC hate was something that kept me from making ocs until just a few years ago, and shipping hate was often homophobia-related. But death threats and shit were not as common, nor was the rigid 'if you like this you’re a terrible person’.

I’m just gonna end this with saying yeah, without this series I may not have had the feeling of being genuinely understood or the outlet I needed for a bunch of shit going on at the time, so IZ is really really important to me and people who shit on a ship that helped me a lot because of something that the creator said nearly 20 years after the fact can eat my ass.

[cards-onthetable]

An Elusive Computer Post

Y’all, 99.999% of the time, I exist on my phone and tablet. It’s very rare that I do any Fandom Stuff or social media on my laptop. But tonight, after This Episode, I had to break out the big guns. I need to be able to type as fast as my brain screams words. tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST AND I HATE IT. Hey I’ll do a fun little page break so you don’t have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t want to. How nice of me. 

Erin

OPENING SCENE AND ERIN’S ALREADY YELLING AT PEOPLE. COOL. 

JUST DON’T with this foster parent (allegedly) killing a foster child thing. Foster parents have enough of a negative perception as it is... a foster parent who “cracked” and killed a child in her care certainly won’t help. And I know this won’t turn into a well-done, thoughtful Discourse on the lack of support and resources for foster parents who are caring for children with complex needs. So I hate it. 

I’m so, so, so sad for this child.

Sidenote re: Sam saying “I’ve already got a mom” (explaining why he didn’t call his foster parent “mom”) - okay, BB, one actual sensitive portrayal here, thumbs up. 

Welp Erin’s boss is an asshole but so’s everyone else on this show. What else is new? 

And now Sam is locked out of his new foster home. Another nice tally in the Negative Portrayal column. This is disgusting. His appreciation for his previous foster parent is obvious (this kid’s a ten times better actor than fucking Will “Dead Face” Estes at this point) and I hate this entire concept. At least the show’s portrayal of the child in foster care himself is positive. 

Now Sam’s at Anthony’s house and this is off topic, but for half a second can we appreciate that Sam is also a bajillion times better at apologies than Jamie Reagan? Nice. 

If Anthony becomes Sam’s foster parent I will be SO ANNOYED. One, because I’m sure the show won’t even hint at an accurate process - it’ll be insta-parent, Anthony walks into some caseworker’s office and walks out with physical custody of a child (fun fact: it takes three months or longer to get licensed as a foster parent). Two, because it’s kind of another blow to the reputation of foster parents that this episode is painting - like the only suitable foster parent in a whole city of veteran, trained, experienced FPs is this newbie? This does not taste good. 

This is a cute scene. Rather than Anthony being Sam’s foster parent, how about he becomes his mentor? 

OH. NICE. EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT. “I’m going to sign the papers later today. I’m going to foster Sam myself.” Can we please get some follow-up on this, BB? Let’s please see Anthony trying to navigate the waters of parenting a teenager who likely has attachment-related diagnoses and other challenges. Is Anthony going to get trauma-informed care training? Or is he just going to wing it and hope that it’s all magical and swell? Does he have a sensitive, non-snarky bone in his body? I’m on the edge of my seat. (LOL @ Erin being the voice of reason here.)

OH. WHOA WHOA WHOA. “It’s not like I always wanted a son, but one came knocking and I answered the door.” Remember that line above where Sam reminded us that he has a mom? Do you understand why this line made me gag? There’s a fine line you walk as a foster parent, where you’re performing all the duties of parenting this child as if they’re your own - but you have to remember and be sensitive to the fact that they’re not. Kids in foster care are a package deal, yo, they come with a whole other family too. For teenagers this is an especially important Issue. 

This entire storyline was terrible. 0/10. 

Fat Shaming (Frank and co)

Poor Witten, you guys. That is awful and terrible and dangerous that her partner can’t even make it up 4 flights of stairs. “I’m here and you’re fine” - but what if she wasn’t? 

Did Sid Gormley just use the word “fat shaming” and argue that physical fitness does not affect a cop’s ability to do their job? 

Cops who are on the beat should be able to pass a fairly high standard for physical fitness. The end, basically.

Family dinner (tossed in here due to the topic of conversation): Seriously? Henry’s going to talk about it being discrimination to require cops to meet a physical fitness standard that is a pretty basic aspect of their ability to do their job? Nice. 

Oh, magical, Frank has come up with a Compromise that Makes Everybody Happy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. 

Danny

TBH I hardly noticed this storyline at all. I’m much too busy angrily scribbling all of the examples of Dismissive Jamie on my whiteboard. Oh well, win some lose some. 

Jamko

The way Jamie brushes Eddie off during this whole New Partner Discussion is gross. Refer to yesterday’s Two Pronged Complaint for the details. 

The Biggest Issues: Jamie minimizing Eddie’s experience on the job, and being too protective of her/failing to be an objective boss. Et cetera. 

“wHaT eLsE dOn’T I kNoW?” suck a dick, Jamie Reagan.  

Peep those obviously empty coffee cups that probably have a piece of dry ice at the bottom to make the “steam.” A+. 

I’m going to keep track of how many times “female empowerment” is said in this episode. I’ll keep you updated. 

So this “fraternal organization” that we’ve all been so stressed about Eddie joining is...basically a women’s intramural sports league? LOLOL so I’m super excited to watch Jamie sputter about how Joe died playing softball* and therefore Eddie shouldn’t join. 

LOOK AT EDDIE. She is legitimately excited about the idea of playing softball, dude. That smile is as much personality as we’ve gotten out of her all season. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH JAMIE “WET BLANKET” REAGAN SNUFF THAT RIGHT OUT. 

This ~date night~ situation is hilarious in a Young Childless Couple way. 

OH, so NOW Jamie’s interested in a legitimate conversation with Eddie, engaged and responding... with questions in a demanding, rude tone? I’m so annoyed at his whole handling of the Eddie’s-new-partner thing.

GOD why is everything a Female Empowerment Thing? Can’t women just... enjoy playing sports? 

OH HERE’S WHERE IT GETS FUN HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS 

BAD IDEA

YOU’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A REAGAN

THAT’S A NO-GO

NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING STUBBORN

“No, I’m being astonished that my fiancé is trying to tell me what I can and cannot do” SAME, EDDIE 

I’m so angry that the scene cuts off there. Did they just go about their stupid dinner date with this Tension floating palpably in the air between them? Did Eddie pull out an “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight” and stalk away in that red? satin? dress? ? I hope she poured his stupid ON TAP IPA (objectively the worst type of beer, btw) down his shirt and walked out. 

I AM SO SAD watching this scene of Eddie backing out of softball. 

“I’m not much of a joiner” is a DUMB RIDICULOUS LINE and Eddie says it TWICE, folks. 

Witten doesn’t bring up Jamie at all - I therefore assume she doesn’t know Eddie’s a Future Reagan (which is a whole other issue, but anyway.) . Witten thinks Eddie’s backing out so as to avoid associating with Witten. So I assume Witten’s intentions with the softball invite were totally pure. IMAGINE THAT! A woman who wants to be friends with another woman, one who she works with and respects and wants to get to know better! With no ulterior motive! Someone please hit Jamie Reagan in the nostril with a dart. 

I like Witten more and more. Can we replace all the Reagan storylines with Witten, Sam, and Old Eddie in dark jeans and a studded jacket?

A LAUNDROMAT? ONE: Shouldn’t Jamie, as A Reagan, have laundry in his building?* TWO: It he didn’t, why wouldn’t they do laundry for free at Frank’s house every week?*

I CAN SMELL THE TENSION and I am legitimately curious how they’ve coexisted between the date and now. How’s that working out, hmm - that “keeping work and home separate” thing? 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO, I ASKED” says Jamie. Shall we go back a few bullet points to when he told her it’s a “no-go”? 

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I NEED TO KNOW - Same, Eddie. Do I really need to reiterate how ridiculous this whole thing is - that they’re engaged without dating, and now finding out that maybe there’s a reason people date first, even if they’re best friends, because this is the kind of stuff you work out before you start shopping for your dress.

“Are we talking, or are we just talking smack?” SOME ACCUSATION from the dumbass who said ALL THE THINGS IN THOSE BULLETS UP ABOVE. 

Finally, for once, Eddie is voicing some real and legitimate concerns. Are we going to get any sort of resolution or mature adult discussion of these things? NOPE! 

Did he seriously just tell her to cut it out? I hate him so much. I hope somebody duct tapes him to the front of those washer/dryers and pulls out each individual eyebrow hair with tweezers. 

This laundromat scene just exemplifies so many of the issues I’ve been rage blogging about all damn season. Jamie ultimately brushing off Eddie’s concerns without ever giving her real answers. Not having the respect for her to even take her thoughts into account. Barking orders like he knows it all, and Eddie isn’t capable of making her own decisions. At least this time that’s the actual point of the scene rather than the nasty subtext. 

EDDIE AND DANNY SCENE: I’m actually surprised that this is the first time Joe has been mentioned. Watching the sneak peek I figured Jamie’s main argument against Eddie joining an organization would be that it’s what got his brother killed (being vague, obviously, since Eddie clearly didn’t know the details). Not that it’s improper As A Reagan. I hoped the context of the episode would make me feel a little better about this scene but it just feels even more out of place and poorly/choppily written. I like Eddie and Danny together - I’d like them to interact more. But this didn’t do it for me. Gotta meet that Joe Mention Quota* on the season, I guess. 

FINAL SCENE: in summary, FUCK THIS. 

Sidenote: When is someone going to get suspicious @ how often Eddie gets pulled into Sarge’s office? 

For the record, I anticipated an eye-rolly “Ohhkay, maybe I overreacted...” speech. 

WHAT WE GOT FELL BELOW EVEN THAT VERY LOW BAR. 

Jamie explains himself. Fine, he has a right to do that, and it’s constructive in helping Eddie understand the man she’s about to marry (god don’t even remind me). BUT HE DOES NOT ADMIT ANY WRONGDOING. 

THERE IS NO APOLOGY

THERE IS NO ADMISSION THAT HE MADE MISTAKES in how he spoke to her, ordered her around, and didn’t even stop for eight seconds to listen to what she had to say

THERE IS NOT EVEN THE VERY MINIMAL “I overreacted” type of acknowledgment. 

“So maybe if I forget sometimes, you can remind me” THIS IS GROSS TOO because it essentially puts the burden on Eddie to teach/remind Jamie how to HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND NOT BE AN ASS. He could AT LEAST take responsibility for his own improvement in the Future. 

Eddie said literally two words in this entire scene. There was no mutual understanding, no real agreement, no genuine Development in their relationship. 

THIS IS NOT A SATISFACTORY RESOLUTION TO THIS CONFLICT. 

This episode is called Rectify but NOTHING HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. 

ALSO, this seems like an awfully Personal conversation to be having in uniform, Sarge. Are they even trying anymore? 

HE JUST THREW A SOFTBALL GLOVE AT HER. Is that supposed to be... sweet? Touching? An admission of guilt/mistake/wrongdoing? TRY AGAIN, BB. NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

WELL. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re as disgruntled as I am. Seems like plenty of y’all were quite unhappy with this episode as well. I’m enjoying your tweets and sadness. I’ve been the queen of this club for almost a year now. Welcome, make yourselves comfortable, there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer. Just don’t sit on the far end of the couch. That’s my dog’s favorite spot. 

*These four hilarious lines were taken from two important Outside Sources. Thanks for your contribution, Outside Sources.