#i thought i came to the conclusion it doesn't matter how i feel about men

[girlscience]

guess who has only been regularly accessing tumblr again for a little over one week and is already having another sexuality crisis??

[queenie-official]

Part Three Of Summer Love: ‘Blurred Lines’

series masterlist celebration event camp logo

pairing: Modern!Anakin Skywalker x fem!reader

word count: 18k 😀

a/n: it’s 5:00 in the morning ��� i’m so tired (proofread but i’m also so tired i probably missed a bunch)

“y/n?" Anakin's voice calls from beside you, his hand still outstretched in front of you as you stare down at it. he gives it a small shake waiting for you to take it.

you'd both just made it to the lodge hall, everyone else had already made it inside whilst you two had the discussion.

reality finally catching up with you as to just what this was going to entail. "you want me to hold your hand?" you ask in disbelief.

"i mean you don't have to, i just figured if we're gonna do the whole fake dating thing we might as well make it convincing." he says with a shrug, hand still waiting for you to take hold. you hadn't expected him to be so… eager?

his willingness for what's essentially going to be a public announcement to the entire camp was confusing. you'd still barely even discussed the details. how far was this to go? just hand-holding? who were you telling the lie to and who was allowed to know the truth?

your thoughts are cut off when you see his hand start to lower, you're quick to place your hand on top of his palm then. the questions pushed to the back of your mind as you’re unable to resist the chance to hold his hand.

did you come off too desperate? you started to question yourself, but the feeling of Anakin's calloused hands intertwining with yours was enough to silence any self-deprecating thoughts.

his hands were warm, and you found yourself staring at them. enjoying the way your hand looked in his. it was enough to distract you as he opened the doors tugging you gently along behind him.

slowly but surely more and more eyes were on you both as you walked to the food line. it came in waves, the whispers and points of fingers. you'd even heard a few 'i told you so's' not just from the campers but from some of your fellow counselors. which made you wonder just how far the rumor of you two dating had spread in less than a day. not that it mattered now.

Anankin's hand finally slipped from yours when he grabbed his tray, handing you one and pulling you back down from the cloud you'd felt like you were floating on. you mumbled a thanks before loading up your tray.

finally looking up and around the hall. you made direct eye contact with Padme who looked about ready to run over and tackle you to the ground in her excitement with questions. thankfully for your sake she didn't, letting you off the hook for now as you headed to your usual lunch table where a slack-jawed Kenobi and bewildered Rex sat.

as soon as you sat down you were both flooded with questions. both men's voices overlapping the other making it impossible to understand what they were saying. it's only when they both settle on the same question that you're left sitting in silence as they wait for your answer. "When did this happen!?" they'd asked, clearly already coming to the conclusion you two were now a thing.

you went to open your mouth and clear the air, with every intention of telling them the truth only to have the words die on your tongue as Anakin says "just now, on the way here" with a shrug of his shoulders.

you blink taken aback. he seemed to be doing that a lot to you within the last ten minutes since it started. it felt like a fever dream. "holy shit" Rex said in shock at Anakin's answer.

"i knew you liked her dude" he continues and you feel your head starting to spin, especially when Anakin doesn't deny it. this was way too much to process at once, but it's not like Anakin could deny it right? he'd agreed you two were a thing without a second thought.

you think back to the way he'd easily lied to Padme that first night when she'd asked what you'd been whispering about. maybe he was just a really good liar? maybe he'd explain to them the situation privately but didn't want to go into details in case he was overheard and then the ruse would be up just as quickly as it’d started. that seemed like the more logical explanation.

in that case you'd do the same, as soon as you and Padme were back at the cabin for the day you'd explain the situation to her but for now as far as anyone knew you and Anakin were officially a couple. what a day this was chalking up to be.

"i leave you two alone for five minutes and i miss everything!" Rex complains before going on a tangent about how from now on he was not being left alone with all the campers so he didn't miss anything else as important as that.

Ben remained silent, clearly taken aback and he looked unsure. like he knew something was up, Anakin was definitely going to be grilled later just as much as you probably were by Padme.

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the day blurred by fast, it hadn't even felt like you were present. truly an out-of-body experience. campers constantly coming up to you throughout different periods for confirmation on the status of your relationship- who knew kids were so interested in this stuff?

the camper most intrigued was Ahsoka, though she didn't show it at first. not asking a single question during her period with you guys in the crafts center like the other kids did, not even confronting Anakin to your knowledge.

nor did she confront you when you sat at the table together at dinner. even after Padme swarmed you with her own questions that you brushed off telling her you'd explain later.

no Ahsoka was too smart for that, she knew she wouldn't get any real information out of you that way, so she played the waiting game. looking for just the right moment to pounce, and sure enough when all the kids were either showering or brushing their teeth leaving you alone in the staff cabin room contemplating your life as Padme supervised the kids. Jasmine nowhere to be found after she'd dropped her kids off at the cabin. she made her move.

"is it true? you and Anakin are dating" the question pulled you from the hurricane that was your mind, turning towards the door where Ahsoka was walking in from.

you bit your lip unsure whether or not she should know the truth, she sat beside you on the bed narrowing her eyes; daring you to try and lie. no one ever talks about this but there is nothing more frightening than the judgment of a twelve-year-old girl. judgment that makes you cave instantly.

"no, we're just pretending." the truth comes out and you feel lighter, the room feeling just a smidge easier to breathe in. you look at Ahsoka gauging her reaction, she seemed disappointed. "we thought it'd be easier to just pretend we were rather than having to deny it constantly to everyone"

her nose wrinkles at the explanation like she'd just heard the most stupid thing ever. if she does think that she doesn't say it, just sighs instead before speaking up. "i figured, it seemed too good to be true. especially since i was the one who started the rumor" your mind went completely blank at the revelation, blinking rapidly.

she looks guilty, a small nervous smile on her face. "i know you guys said you weren't, but you just seemed so cute together! and Anakin seems to really like you- i just figured that if enough people were saying you were together you'd both realize your feelings and confess" oh this sweet mischievous child.

"i mean i've had him as my counselor two summers in a row now and i'm telling you i've never seen him act the same way he does with you with Padme. he says he likes her but i don't think he really does. i think he just found her beautiful and was infatuated with her" she continued to ramble, defending her actions and you had to give her some credit she was extremely emotionally intelligent. but way off.

sure he was a little touchy with you lately, prior to the hand-holding at lunch today. and yeah he joked around a lot but you worked at the same activity center. you were bound to be close- and as for the physical affection he just seemed like a touchy guy. he hugged and roughhoused around with Ben and Rex all the time.

he was just too nervous to do all of that with Padme is all and you don't blame him, you'd be nervous too if you were pinning after her. Padme was a gorgeous person inside and out. she was smart and independent, honestly if Anakin hadn't somehow managed to wedge his way into your mind so quickly, you probably would have had a crush on her too.

Ahsoka could see it on your face, the disbelief in her assessment. "if you and Anakin are just pretending why bother actually acting like a proper couple then?"

"hand holding hardly counts as acting like a proper couple Ahsoka" you laugh and she huffs in annoyance.

"stage one, denial" she says with a shake of her head. gods if this was how Ahsoka was acting you could already guess how Padme was going to be.

"shouldn't you be getting ready for bed?" you change the subject and Ahsoka relents, mumbling a 'we'll see who's right' under breath as she leaves.

you weren't in denial, what'd she know she was twelve for gods sake. you fall backwards on the bed with a groan. once more Padme took care of the kids getting them all to settle down for the day and giving them the usual 'you have an hour before bed' spiel.

as soon as she was done she came into the room. you could have sworn all you did was blink and she was hovering above you. "spill everything" she says excitedly and for a split second you consider keeping up the lie knowing the truth was only going to disappoint her as much as it did you.

but you couldn't willingly lie to Padme especially when you'd confessed to a literal kid not even a few minutes prior, so instead you suck up what remains of your dignity and go over everything that happened leading up to lunch.

she has her brows raised, a similar face to Ahsoka's earlier. "wow you two are doing everything except admitting you like each other aren't you" you roll your eyes, knowing this was coming.

"ive admitted it to you" she purses her lips and gives you a deadpanned look.

"yea to me not to Anakin" you groan rubbing your face with your hands in frustration.

"he doesn't like me he likes-" she cuts you off, with an exasperated sigh.

"-me i know, i know, so you've said a thousand times but what on earth has happened lately that says in any way he likes me like that anymore?" her question irks you, not because it was necessarily annoying but because it was unfortunately a valid point.

"i don't know Padme i don't pretend to understand the male mind" she shrugs with a soft fair enough and falls back beside you.

"maybe you're right, maybe he doesn't like you." she starts and you feel yourself grimace realizing just how much it was going to hurt when you called off the fake dating thing at the end of the summer. "but there's also a chance that i'm correct so stop ruling it out and acting like it's a definitive fact."

but it was, how much clearer could it be when he said so himself? you tune her out at this point tired from the day's events and even more so from the constant back and forth. you felt a sense of relief knowing you wouldn't have to fight back to anyone else about how you two weren't dating, making you realize just why Anakin had suggested it in the first place.

it was so much easier to pretend than to constantly have to deny something you two weren't. or so you had convinced yourself.

eventually, Padme let you be; heading to the top bunk to chill until lights out. you sigh truly a jumbled mess as you move to lay on your stomach, opening your phone to text Honey. whoever said in the eye of a hurricane there is quiet for just a moment was a liar- or you'd yet to reach that brief moment of respite.

'Honeeeyyyy' you send just to get your best friends attention, it was time to let every thought out of your mind and Honey was the one person you knew would listen to every single one. yes she would tell you how it is if she felt the need to but she'd always let you speak your truth first.

unfortunately for you, there was no answer not even five minutes later as you swiped back and forth from her message chat and your home screen. which could only mean two things, her phone was dead or she was busy with her family and didn't wanna come off rude by taking out her phone and messaging you. just your luck.

you sigh before typing a message anyway, deciding to just get everything off your chest now and then she can answer back later when she was free. it's not until you send '(so sorry to be putting this on you out of no where) - me and Anakin are fake dating 😀 we talked about how the campers wouldn't stop bothering us so he suggested we do it to get them to stop and i agreed 😭' that the chat was instantly opened.

a text bubble immediately appearing and sent within the blink of an eye. 'WHAAATTT!?' you couldn't help but laugh, you suppose if she'd been the one to send something like that you'd have reacted the same way.

you continued to explain the situation giving her all the details leading up to where you were now before she responds again. 'not you living out a romance trope'

'it seemed like a good idea when i agreed 😭' you type back, not that you were currently having doubts. 'it's purely platonic'

'my ass, in what world are we living in where this is going to go the strictly platonic route 🤨' fair honestly, you couldn't even entirely believe this was the reality you were living in. 'we're both aware this means he 100% likes you back right? i mean who fake dates someone when they have feelings for someone else.'

of course she said that, that is now three different people who've all separately told you this. 'maybe he's trying to make Padme jealous?' it was a sad attempt at an excuse and you both knew it. Anakin and you strictly did this to get the campers off your backs, there were no alterior motives involved.

if there were you never would of agreed to it, and even if you had it would not have the effect on Padme he'd think it would if that were the case. she harbored no feelings for him that much was clear. 'y/n, my love. i need you to be so fr with me rn girl 🙏😐'

okay maybe Ahsoka was right about you being in denial. but denial was good, denial was safe. it meant if everyone else was wrong and he didn't like you you'd have no reason to be upset when you already knew the truth. 'look i'm sure this whole thing will blow over once the gossip dials down between the campers and Anakin will call it off'

'whatever helps you sleep at night' was the last message you read from her before shutting off your phone. smooshing your face into the pillow wanting nothing more than to scream.

you look back up when you hear your phone ping a few minutes later, your heart flutters in your chest when you see it's a text from Anakin.

you decided you’re too emotionally drained to give him much attention so rather than opening your phone to respond you just unlock it and read the notification box 'Ben and Rex know the truth' you let out a sigh of relief- or maybe disappointment.

it was just like you thought earlier he just didn't want to give it away to the campers that you both were faking it. you turn your phone back off again, mind empty unsure how to feel. there's the quiet. the eye of the storm you finally made it.

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you woke up the next day without having realized you'd even fallen asleep to begin with. a small voice calling your name from beside you. when you finally open your eyes, the sunlight blinding you as it poured through the window successfully disorienting you further as you tried to recognize who was speaking to you at that moment.

"y/n" the small voice called again, this time you sat up before you opened your eyes. avoiding the bright rays of the sun as you adjusted to the room around you. once you could see properly you turn to your side seeing Mia standing at the side of the bed waiting for you to answer.

you blink a few times confused, looking up to the bunk bed across from you only to find it completely empty. your eyes fall back down to Mia. "is everything okay?" the young girl shakes her head.

"i don't know where Jasmine is" she says sounding worried. had Jasmine even come back to the cabin last night? you kept that question to yourself as you stared at the camper from Jasmine's group.

"that's okay, i'm sure she'll show up. is there something you need from her that i could help you with?" you offer trying your best to reassure her.

"she usually braids my hair for the day, Quinn said she could do it but she only knows how to do the one with three strands" you nod pulling yourself off the bed and stretching.

"i can help you, bring me your brush and hair elastic" the little girl smiles happily, skipping out of the room to go find just that. you look up to the bed above yours. Padme wasn't in bed either, not entirely strange since she always woke up before you but something felt off.

you aren't able to dwell on it as Mia comes back in the room with everything you need to do her hair. you brush her hair before doing your best to evenly part it down the middle with your fingers. working on one side and doing a fishtail braid before moving to the other. tying off the ends with the green elastics she's brought you.

Mia gives you an excited thank you before skipping off to join the rest of the kids in the other room just as Padme enters, closing the door behind her. "we have a situation" she whispers so none of the kids would overhear.

your brows crease together in concern. "what's wrong?" Padme looks over to Jasmine's bed and you feel your stomach start to swirl.

"she never came back to the cabin last night after curfew. no one's seen her this morning either. i already messaged around the camp, i even tried messaging her myself but she hasn't answered." so much for emergencies not being a common occurrence here.

"has anyone reported her missing to the directors yet?" you ask, walking over to the bed to grab your phone. when you checked the time you noticed it was almost time to head over to the lodge hall for breakfast. you press your lips together into a thin line before turning back to Padme.

"i told Ben and he messaged them. they sent a text to all the counselors to continue the day like normal for now and they'd have an announcement on what was going to happen before breakfast was over" you sigh rubbing the back of your neck with your hand.

"alright, i'm going to get dressed then and we can head out" Padme nods and leaves the room taking responsibility to talk to the kids.

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As you all walk to the lodge hall in one big group you hear the kids whispering amongst themselves about Jasmine. Padme hadn't told them the entire truth, simply saying that Jasmine wasn't with us right now and until she was back her group of kids were to come to us for help if they needed it.

it was clear they didn't believe her though and you were pretty confident that you just overheard one of the younger campers, Jason whisper to one of the older campers, Lily that he'd overheard Padme outside earlier on the phone saying to someone that Jasmine was missing.

"y/n?" you turn to the familiar voice meeting the eyes of Colton who stares up at you worriedly.

"you alright buddy?" you ask him and he shakes his head no. he mumbles a response but it was hard to hear him over the other kids. when he realizes you weren't able to make out what he said he raises his voice just a smidge more and this time you could hear him say 'i'm scared'. he seemed unsure of his words.

you give him a sympathetic smile sticking out your hand for him to take, he doesn't hesitate for once. taking it and simultaneously gluing himself to your side as you walk. poor kid was definitely worked up about this situation.

you let him stay with you even as you walk through the food line once you all get to the hall. you're internally debating whether to sit with him or have him sit with you as you stare at the table where the boys are at. thankfully he makes the decision for you. "can i sit with you guys today?" he asks shyly.

you give him a reassuring smile and nod as you both walk over to what has become your designated table. "and who's this?" Rex asks as soon as Colton sits beside you.

Anakin, who for once looked wide awake, turned to see who Rex was referring to. "hey Colton" he holds his hand out to the boy for a first bump. Colton shies away from all the attention but still shakily bumps Anakin's fist with his own.

"he wanted to sit with us today" you smile giving the little boy a gentle pat on the shoulder for encouragement as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt. he still doesn't say anything but gives a small nod of agreement before focusing on his food to eat after moving his noise-canceling headphones from his neck to over his ears as the noise from the cafeteria becomes overwhelming.

you turn towards your friends as Colton stays in his own little bubble, content to just sit beside you all. "you seem wide awake for once" you tease Anakin who rolls his eyes in faux annoyance.

"how much can he hear with those on" Rex asks through a mouthful of eggs. you scrunch up your nose in disgust fighting back the urge to gag.

"gross Rex didn't your mom teach you not to talk with your mouth full" he just shrugs unbothered before shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth as well.

"you have the manners of a billy goat you know that?" Ben quips from beside him, shaking his head like a disappointed father. to which Rex almost flips him off but catches himself when he remembers there’s a camper present.

you laugh completely caught off guard by how specific the insult was. before finally answering Rex's initial question "he can hear us just fine if that's what you're wondering"

taking a bite of your food as he nodded not saying anything else, he must have wanted to talk about the Jasmine situation just not in front of Colton. you were internally grateful for him choosing to drop it, not wanting to freak Colton out anymore than he already was.

you let your mind wander as Rex talks to you all about something funny one of his campers did the other night. it's not that you didn't want to listen to Rex just that it was much harder to focus when you had the burning curiosity about where your cabinmate had disappeared too and an unsure feeling in your stomach.

as much as Jasmine was irrefutably a bitch, she was still a living being and you hoped she was okay. the worry must have shown on your face because you suddenly felt Anakin's hand on your leg, it's a miracle you don't jump at the sudden touch. his hand rubbing soothing circles on your knee, the action hidden completely by the table.

you feel your cheeks start to burn as goosebumps spread all over your body, such a simple thing and yet you feel like you're back in high school again. it was a welcome distraction, and shockingly effective as you felt the tension in your shoulders melt away. worries fading into something else. something warm and fuzzy.

it was scary in a way, just how fast you were falling with each small action of his. god you dreaded when this would be over, can your heart even take it?

there's a call from the front of the hall. Windu, Bail, and Qui-Gon all stood in a line waiting for everyone's attention. when it's finally quiet enough for them to talk Windu steps forward.

the tall brooding man looking more stern than usual as he began to speak. "Alright everyone we have a few updates for you all, for starters i'm sure a lot of you have heard that one of the Counselors has gone missing." he walks slowly back and forth as he talks, making sure to look across everyone.

"well the good news is we've made contact with her and she is safe." there are a few relieved sighs heard around the room but for the most part everyone just remains silent or gives a shrug of their shoulders. "however we would like to take this as a reminder that you are not allowed off of campgrounds without permission especially if you are on duty. you have a responsibility to your fellow staff members and the Campers you're looking after."

he comes to a stop in the middle of the room, leaving a small pause in his speech to let his words sit in. "now i won't go into any more details but for the remainder of the day we'll be having one of the swing counselors take over for the missing counselor's kids. so please continue business as usual."

with the lecture out of the way, Qui-Gon steps up and gives a much more encouraging message, mostly just to lift up the spirits. Bail chipping in every once in a while with a joke before the three of them made the synchronized closing statement to 'have a good day'.

it all seemed to help Colton calm down at least though the question still remained of where the hell Jasmine was. "do you think you could get the details Windu was so forthcoming about?" Anakin asked somewhat sarcastically to Ben who simply shrugged.

"probably not from Windu but i'll check in with Jinn before i head to my activity center" Ben says before tossing a piece of kiwi in his mouth from the small assortment of mixed fruit on his tray, to which Anakin responds by stealing one of the cherries to eat for himself.

"i thought you don't like eating this early?" you question him with a raised brow. Anakin shrugs, biting the cherry off the stem and eating it before putting the stem in his mouth.

your brows crease together in utter confusion before he pulls the stem out of his mouth, a knot now directly in the middle of it that you can't seem to look away from as he speaks. "today’s different, i've been up way earlier than usual." you just give him a small hum turning away from him and looking down at your plate.

feeling much too hot, between his hand that still remained on your knee and how casually he knotted that cherry stem you felt dizzy. you spare a glance at Ben and Rex to see if they saw how suddenly flustered you seemed. thankfully both men were too busy conversing with each other to notice.

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it's not until lunch that you guys get an answer for what happened to Jasmine, the woman in question still not back on campgrounds. "i was going to just send a text when i found out but figured it’d be easier if i just waited till now" Ben said as everyone walked in line together. trays in hand, as you all slowly loaded up your trays with your personal food preferences.

somehow Padme and Ben got to the lodge hall at the same time you, Rex, and Anakin did, usually one of you always managed to beat the other group. the campers almost never allowing you to leave at the same time. "so what'd you find out?" you ask while grabbing one of the pre-wrapped sandwiches.

"it's…i'll tell you all when we sit down" fair the other counselors were in line with you guys and this information wasn't supposed to even be known outside of the camp directors.

"did you already tell Padme?" you ask while, nudging your head in her direction. she somehow managed to get ahead of you all by three people.

"yea, i told her before the campers even got to the zipline first period" you nodded wondering silently if that's why her mood seemed sour. she was upset earlier but it was more worry and annoyance, now she just seemed straight-up angry. Veiled very thinly by her usual calm aura.

you stick your hand into the next bin without really looking only to come out empty-handed. a frown now gracing your features as you realize they had run out of pudding cups.

you give a disappointed sigh and grab one of the jello cups in the bin next to it, you had nothing against jello other than the texture so it's not like this was a big deal you'd just gotten used to a routine and unfortunately set yourself up for disappointment when doing so. wouldn't be the first time you did that and certainly won't be the last.

you make your way out of the line to your usual table alongside the boys. and when you finally sit down you don't get much time to mope before Anakin takes the jello cup off of your tray and exchanges it with the last pudding cup his pudding cup.

"you don't want it?" you tilt your head at him and he gives a nonchalant shrug.

"i like these better anyway" bullshit, you'd never seen him grab the jello cups and you could read it on Ben's face that he didn't believe a word Anakin was saying either.

"it's fine i don't want it" you insist and he scrunches his nose up as you try to put it back on his tray, swatting your hand away before you succeed.

"what'd you find out Kenobi?" Anakin asks changing the subject before you can protest again.

"other than you being an absolute sap when you're actually into a girl you mean?" Ben teases and you want to remind him once again that you're fake dating, as if he doesn't know- but the blush on Anakin's cheeks stops you.

it's gone before you can even process whether you were imagining it or not as Anakin rolls his eyes. "Jasmine, what'd you find out about her Ben" he says before taking an annoyed bite of his sandwich.

"right, so Jinn didn't tell me the exact timeline of events but what i've got is that she snuck off sometime last night and left camp to go hang out with some friends" you chime in quickly when you remember her not being in the room the night before.

"she walked the kids to the cabin after dinner and then left me and Padme alone with them. that must have been when" Ben nods seemingly remembering that Padme had said something similar to him when he told her.

"right well turns out her and the group she was with got caught drinking and driving, half of them are underage too. they were all detained and a few of them are being faced with charges" alright well that's certainly not what you were expecting, not that you were entirely sure what to expect.

"no way! is she one of the ones facing charges?" Rex asks in just as much shock and confusion as you, Ben shakes his head no.

"but she's definitely facing repercussions here. they want to fire her" it made sense after all if parents found out they'd throw a fit, rightfully so. you'd be upset too if you found out someone who's responsible for your kid was caught drinking instead of looking after them.

"what's stopping them?" you ask and this time Ben shrugs completely unsure. it's not like the camp was understaffed in any way, there was no real reason you could think of for why they'd keep her on.

"they're probably still discussing everything with the higher-ups" Ben concludes, finally digging into his food as he lets the information sit in.

"she'll probably be fired by the end of the day, i can't see this being swept under the rug the same way last year's incident was. sure no one spoke up then but really there's no way they didn't catch wind of the situation." Rex says in between sips of water.

"well she certainly found one of the quickest routes to get out of being a camp counselor" Anakin says, still unable to handle serious moments without making jokes.

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sure enough that night after dinner you and Padme had come back to Jasmine's side of the room completely cleared out. Opal the swing counselor who took over for her all day was there instead, unpacking a bag clearly being promoted to a full-time counselor.

the first thing you'd noticed about Opal was her height. you could tell she was tall earlier from afar but seeing up close was a little jarring. she practically towered over both you and Padme, the legs of a model Padme had said and you couldn't agree more. She was stunning honestly, with curly copper red hair like fire that framed her face, and pale freckled skin.

she turned to you both with a smile on her face as she introduced herself. "hey i'm Opal" it was more so directed towards you than Padme. a small reminder that you were the only new staff member, although they didn't know each other personally they knew of each other.

"y/n" you greet, mirroring the smile on her face and extending your hand which she promptly shakes. there's a small awkward silence that follows over you three, the sound of all the kids in the room besides yours providing a comforting ambience.

"is it too much to bring up the obvious elephant in the room…. or rather the lack of" Opal says while scratching the back of her neck and you can't help but snort, which leads to Padme giggling and sure enough all three of you are laughing together.

her comment broke the ice for sure, the three of you sitting on the lower bunks now just chatting- mostly shit-talking Jasmine but that helped lead to more basic getting-to-know-you questions. you're not sure when or how the topic eventually got to Anakin but you were suddenly wishing to be anywhere but in that room.

"so seriously how'd you get together? you two are seriously the cutest couple ever!" Opal's excitement for you was infectious and god did it make you feel guilty. Padme gave you a quick look, one that only the two of you would understand. the question of if you'd be telling Opal the truth or not hidden behind her amused smile.

"oh you know… it wasn't all that special- we just realized we both liked each other and" you make a clicking sound whilst intertwining your hands and Opal nods seeming to understand what you were trying to say.

"that makes sense, you know pretty much everyone was waiting for it to happen. i think some of the other counselors even had bets going" you couldn't hide the shock on your face and the way your brows shot up. sure the speculation made sense to some degree after the rumor Ahsoka started but she said it like they'd all been thinking it long before that rumor started.

"what made you guys think we were into each other? i mean besides the fact that we obviously were- since we're dating and all…" you give a strained smile feeling very much like an idiot for asking that. not to mention how terrible of a save that was, you could only hope she didn't see through that shitty recovery.

"i think how quickly you guys got close is what started it. then of course when he started showing up to breakfast for you that pretty much had everyone locked in on the fact he was into you. and we all saw how you look at him so it was no secret the feelings were mutual" oh you were going to throw up- they all saw the way you looked at him!?

here you were thinking you'd been discreet when clearly the only person who didn't notice was the very man you'd been ogling. you bite back the urge to freak out and put a smile back on your face. "oh right" you give a forced laugh, picking at the lint on your blanket.

did people really think he started going to breakfast for you? that wasn't the case at all, although now that you thought about it you never did truly question it- why had he started going to breakfast? surely it was something Padme related… but he always sits with you so maybe..

"Theo just threw up!" Quinn said slightly out of breath as she ran into the room, completely interrupting your thoughts. the three of you are all on your feet instantly, rushing into the connected room confused about how you would have missed hearing that.

Theo was stood in front of a pile of vomit shaking, his body probably still calming down from the adrenaline spike. he looked mortified the poor kid, you push past your weak stomach and go to stand next to him rubbing his back gently. "hey buddy let's go get you cleaned up okay? and then i'll walk you to the camp infirmary" Theo nods as tears begin to well in his eyes while you guide him out of the room.

you hear Padme telling all the other kids to go back to what they were doing while her and Opal clean up just as you're leaving the room and walking to the bathrooms. you help clean off his face and then his shirt which thankfully didn't get much vomit on it compared to the floor.

Theo is looking off to the side as you continue to wipe the shirt as best you can, avoiding eye contact from embarrassment. you can't help but sympathize with him, honestly throwing up in front of everyone was one of your biggest fears when you were in school. "you alright bud?" he gives a small nod.

"you don't have to be embarrassed it happens to the best of us you know" he doesn't say anything so you just give him a sympathetic smile before deciding to share an embarrassing story of your own.

"you know, one time when i was your age i really had to use the bathroom. but i hated using public restrooms." you begin, standing up and tossing the paper towel in the trash on the way out of the bathroom.

"so i held it as long as i could which apparently wasn't that long at all because i ended up peeing myself about an hour later." Theo's eyes widened, his head whipping towards yours in surprise.

"no way! at school!?" you can only nod the embarrassment still there even after all these years.

"oh yeah, worst day of my life. i thought id be made fun of for the rest of eternity after that. thankfully everyone moved on- i mean i did get teased a little but not nearly as much as id thought i would" maybe you should of left that part out, that would not ease your worries if you were him.

he doesn't seem to care though, just happy to have a less embarrassing story to compare his to. he still looks pale, his hand resting on his stomach which is still bothering him but at least he's in higher spirits.

you're about halfway to the infirmary when you hear someone call your name from behind you. when you look back you see Anakin jogging towards you, a concerned look on his face. "hey what're you doing out here this late?" your question makes his lips twitch up into a smile.

"i could ask you the same thing" he throws back and looks down to the camper beside you, when he sees how pale the kid is he gestures to continue walking. "i usually go for a walk around campgrounds before heading in for the night. Ben and Jacob can handle the kids without me" he says with a shrug as he answers your question.

"it's nice, usually quiet since pretty much everyone else is inside" he looks down to Theo again putting on a sympathetic look. "everything alright with you kid?" Theo shakes his head, giving a defeated sigh as he slumped forward.

"no i threw up in front of everyone" Anakin's brows crease in concern but he also takes one step back. you have to physically bite your tongue not to laugh.

"aw man i'm sorry that must of sucked" Theo nods and places both his hands over his stomach and mumbles 'i think i might again' and this time you take a step back as well. being vomited on by a kid is not a story you want to go home and tell Honey about.

"alright try and hold it in until we get inside the infirmary; but if you can't, run to the grass" the shaky thumbs up he gives you wasn't exactly reassuring and not even a few seconds later he's running off the trail to the grass and spilling his guts.

you turn away completely unable to handle the view without feeling queasy yourself. you can see Anakin grimace as he watches the two of you. he walks over to the kid for you clearly having a much stronger stomach as he rubs his back. "there ya go just get it all out" you hear him say from behind you followed by a mumbled "dude..what did you eat".

you turn back to them once he stops, eyes locked on Theo. he's once again shaking pretty bad from the adrenaline, you wish you had been more help right then.

"do you want me to walk him the rest of the way?" your eyes flicker up to Anakin's upon hearing his question. "i don't mind, plus it looks like he might need to throw up again" you couldn't ask that of him, this was one of your campers- well Opal's now but you'd been the one to say you'd bring him so you needed to be the one to do it.

"go back to your cabin y/n, i've got it" it wasn't a question this time, authoritative honestly. "if they send him back i'll walk him over to you guys, but i doubt it with the state he's in. they'll probably have him there for the night to watch over him."

you're about to protest and verbalize your thoughts when he speaks again, already starting to walk away with Theo in tow. "it's fine y/n relax, go before i call Padme and force her to come grab you" you huff crossing your arms and he just smiles, walking backwards now so he can look at you better.

"you're gonna fall if you keep walking like that Skywalker" you tease, somewhat hoping he does trip just to say 'i told you so' but he doesn't. just shrugs before sending you a wink and turning back around.

you feel your cheeks burn as they walk away, did that wink actually mean something or was it just friendly? there was no one else around for it to have to mean more- no one to pretend around besides Theo. that little boy was much more preoccupied with his nausea to care though.

you shake the thoughts from your head, spinning on your heel and heading back to the Naboo cabin.

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the next day proceeded relatively normal, Theo did end up having to stay in the infirmary overnight and the nurse said they were going to keep him there for the day to make sure he was truly okay before sending him back.

the only real difference was now learning to navigate your usual morning routine with a third party. don't get it twisted Opal was easy to get along with, you just weren't used to having such an active counselor working alongside you two.

it was refreshing and unusual in a good way. it made getting ready and having the kids ready at the same time a lot easier. sure Jasmine wasn't the worst at helping with the kids but honestly she did the bare minimum so to have someone going out of their way to help was definitely a welcome change.

"hey y/n?" you turn towards Opal as you all walk towards the lodge hall for breakfast. she's tying her hair back with a silk scrunchy as she speaks. "umm you're friends with Rex right?" there's a small blush growing on her pale cheeks and you can't help the smile growing on yours.

"yeah we're pretty close why?" she lets her hands fall to her side, patting the sides of her thighs as she thinks about how she wants to word her next sentence. you're instantly drawn in, standing side by side with her now.

"is he you know… seeing anyone?" she seems unsure with her question, like that wasn't the right one she wanted to ask. you smile, shaking your head no.

"you should sit at my table today, where do you usually sit?" Opal's face turns red enough to rival the color of her hair.

"oh no i can't i-" she clears her throat, wiping what you could only assume were now sweaty palms onto the jean shorts she had on. "i usually sit with my friends or well acquaintances i guess? we're close but like we never talk outside of camp."

you give a teasing smile as you enter the lodge hall, and she folds in on herself. which looked seriously awkward for a girl as tall as herself, but it was cute. "oh come on it'll be fun, you can sit next to me if it's sitting next to Rex you're worried about"

if you could take a picture of the look on her face rn you would print it out and frame it. "thanks for the offer i'm good" it was almost robotic and mixed with stutters as she spoke. you gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder, which was a bit of a feat with how tall she was but you got it in the end.

"alright but the offer will stay open" she gives you a soft 'thanks' before walking off to her friends table completely skipping the breakfast line. you were a little concerned until you saw one of the girls at her table hand her their chocolate muffin.

as soon as your tray is full you head towards your table, taking the rightful seat beside Anakin- who seems to be back to his usual display of exhaustion. "that didn't last long did it" you snort, nudging the boy with your elbow. he simply grumbles, words so slurred together you can't make out what he is attempting to say at all.

"he'll be alright" Rex said with a shrug once again talking with his mouth full, yeah you definitely couldn't see the appeal here but good for Opal.

"so Anakin says you got a sick camper?" Ben asks curious for more details, you could only guess Anakin had mentioned the situation in passing before he crashed for the night or perhaps on the way to breakfast in his hazy state.

"yea one of Jas- Opal's campers, poor kid was vomiting repeatedly. they're keeping him there till they're sure he's okay." Ben cringes suddenly wishing he hadn't asked as he looked down at his food. the oatmeal he'd chosen not feeling like the best choice he could have gone with.

"sorry…" he simply waves you off before shoving the bowl of oatmeal to the side and sticking with the bowl of mixed fruits. your eyes locked onto one of the cherries in the bowl, thinking back to what Anakin had done yesterday morning. you kinda wished he was more awake just so you could see him do it again.

you shake the thought from your head not before sparing a small glance at Anakin, he was as usual half asleep. his eyes closed as he leaned on his palm the only indication that he was awake was the lack of snores. he looked so pretty, and peaceful.

there's a small kick from under the table that pulls you back to reality, a knowing smile on Rex and Ben's face… maybe that small glance was a lot longer than you'd thought.

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"this is a terrible idea" Rex grumbles while fumbling with the threads of his friendship bracelet- or well what is supposed to be one. he still hasn't gotten the hang of it, and in his defense, you'd all decided against having the campers do it since he and Anakin couldn't figure it out during staff week.

however, Ahsoka had offhandedly mentioned wanting to make some for the friends she made at camp and you figured that since you knew how to make it everything would work out. so here you were right before all the campers arrived for the first period trying to teach both of them how to make the more simple design so that if they were asked for help they could give it.

"come on Rex it's not that hard" you continue to weave the strings in the right pattern as he watches trying desperately to figure out how you were doing it. "even Anakin's figured it out now"

this time Rex scoffs "that's because he doesn't have sausage fingers like i do" he wasn't wrong, Anakin and Rex's hands were equally as big but Rex's fingers were thick. almost to the point they looked swollen which was definitely not helping him keep hold of the strings.

"well two out of three of us can do it, that should be enough" Anakin said while tying off his bracelet the way you'd shown him. it was light blue and gold, and surprisingly as good as yours.

Rex sighs throwing his pile of knotted strings to the side. "i'm over it, you two can take care of everything today i'll just make sure all the materials are out and not being misused" he stands up heading to sit on a stool in the middle of the room before the kids arrived.

"here" you turn to Anakin who has his bracelet extended towards you.

"you're giving it to me?" he chuckles, gently grabbing your arm and pulling it towards him so he can slide the bracelet over your hand and tighten it to your wrist.

"Yeah why not, they're friendship bracelets right? it'd be weird to make them for ourselves" you look down at it on your wrist, unable to stop the smile before looking down at your own.

"mines pink and gold… i can make a different one-" he cuts you off by sticking his hand out to you.

"no i like that one go ahead" you stare at him for a moment, slightly dumbfounded as you distinctly remember him saying he hated the color pink when you'd mentioned it was one of your favorite colors.

nevertheless you oblige, sliding it over his large hand and tightening it on his wrist just like he'd down for you. you stick the hand with his bracelet out next to the one with yours and smile. "look we made them match on accident"

"alright lovebirds let's go the kids are coming in" Rex interrupts the moment between you too as groups of kids start filing in. you flush and walk over to the front of the room ready to begin the day.

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Ahsoka clocked the matching bracelets on you and Anakin's wrists immediately. she even chose to sit directly next to you at your table for once instead of Anakin's just to quiz you.

or maybe torment you was the better word "oh come on how can you still deny he likes you y/n, he made you a matching bracelet!" she whisper shouts at you and you're forever grateful that Anakin is busy helping a girl from his cabin, Chloe, who's sat on the opposite side of the room.

"they're friendship bracelets Ahsoka- Friendship is in the name. you gave me one for goodness sake" the young girl groans frustratedly at you, running her hands through her black hair. you pointedly shake your wrist in front of her, the bracelet she'd given you on display with a few from the other campers that had been given to you throughout the day.

"that's different" this time you groan frustratedly, running a hand tiredly over your face. "look i didn't just give you one, i gave Colton one, i gave Mia one, i gave Rex one and Anakin one- i even made one to give to Ben and Padme!" you stare at her with a raised brow letting out a soft 'okaaaay'.

"Anakin only made you one, he hasn't made Ben or Rex- or padme one" she put some emphasis on Padme's name that had you rolling your eyes.

"we're adults we don't make friendship bracelets for all our friends" she deadpans before looking straight at the pile of friendship bracelets at your side that you did in fact make for all of your friends. "i'm an outlier!" you defend yourself and she huffs deferred but not defeated.

"alright guys we should probably start cleaning up if we want to make it to the lodge hall for dinner first" Rex calls from where he's sat. he'd been stationed on the stool all day with self-imposed string-cutting duty. a few kids had asked him for help throughout each period only to quickly realize why he wasn't teaching them shortly after.

there was a bunch of disappointed voices as they all started complaining, which was how it'd gone all day with each period. none of the kids wanting to stop or just whining if they hadn't finished the bracelet they were working on. "yea, yea we know but if you really want we can just do this again the day after tomorrow." this only elicited more complaints, some of the kids confused on why they couldn't do it tomorrow.

"you complain now but you'll have fun tomorrow it's Canoe day" tomorrow all activities centers would be shut down for the day, and everyone in the camp would be out on the lake in groups of 2-4. it was supposed to be a fun little water day activity for everyone since you didn't have to stick with your specific periods.

the lake was closed off at a certain point with rope floaters so that no one went past it. this way the kids could go on their own canoe without staff members if they wanted. there was even a cookout and bonfire later in the evening where everyone could roast smores.

it was a camp tradition and you were excited to participate in it. "alright you guys heard Rex come on let's clean up" they don't protest as much when you're the one saying it which makes you smile and Rex complained about how 'unfair it is' and that 'they favorite you'.

you play with the bracelets in your hand while looking down at the one on your right wrist. the one Anakin gave you. would he think it was odd you put all the other bracelets the campers gave you on the opposite wrist? you'd seen him get a few bracelets from the kids as well but he hadn't put them on. which honestly was more odd than what you were doing.

"hey i've got a question for you" Anakin pulls your attention, placing his arm over your shoulder as he walks with you and everyone else to the lodge hall. he pulls you close to him, creating a small private bubble for just the two of you as he speaks. it's overwhelming in a way, his cologne wafting into your nostrils from how close you were.

"the floor is yours" you say and had he not been holding onto you, you'd have done a dramatic bow.

"you remember how i said i liked to go for walks after dinner?" you nod and he continues "well i was wondering if you wanted to join me, it could be fun" you raise a brow at him confused and unsure as to why he'd want that.

"it will really sell it for the rest of the camp that we're dating" he adds when you don't answer back immediately. right that made sense plus well you guys were proper friends now, it made sense for you both to hang out one-on-one.

"yea sure that sounds fun" he gives you a bright cheesy grin before letting his arm slip off your shoulder. his touch leaving you only briefly before he's placing his hand on the small of your back instead.

it makes your cheeks burn, you have to fight every cell in your body to not shy away. Anakin doesn't seem to notice or at the very least care, you shouldn't be surprised by that anymore though.

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you spent the entirety of dinner thinking about Anakin's hand on your back instead of paying attention to the conversation Padme and Opal were having beside you, as well as ignoring the way Ahsoka lifted Colton's headphones to whisper to him, probably about you and Anakin judging by the way she kept glancing at you throughout the conversation from directly across you.

Padme finally asks you what's going on after you've all walked back to Naboo cabin for the day. the kids all settling in and giving a warm welcome back to Theo who was no longer a sickly pale color.

"you've been out of it since you sat down with us at dinner, is everything alright?" she pulled you aside from everyone, including Opal in hopes she could get some actual answers.

"yeah i'm fine just sorta been lost in thought" daydreaming more like- she gives you a look and you just smile nervously, cheeks burning in embarrassment as she sees right through you.

she looks ready to push further but gets interrupted when your phone buzzes in your pocket. it's Anakin letting you know he was outside the cabin waiting for you. you look up meeting Padme's face, she's got a smug smile having seen the message that he sent.

"it's not what you think" you begin to defend and she just looks even more smug somehow. "no seriously Padme this is purely a platonic hang out" she throws her hands up while taking a few steps back.

"i didn't say anything" she laughs and you glare at her. there was no real malice behind it of course, you both knew that… but if looks could kill. 'your face says it all' you mumble and she sticks her tongue out at you. "go hang out with your boyfriend y/n, he's waiting" she practically sings it and you wish the floor would open up and swallow you whole.

"fake boyfriend!" you whisper shout the correction but she's already left you alone in the hallway. you let out an annoyed sigh before exiting the cabin.

Anakin's sitting on the cabin's porch fence, scrolling on his phone as he waits for you. the second he hears the door open and locks eyes with you there's an infectious smile on his face. one that has you beaming just as brightly.

"ready?" he asks, standing up and already starting to walk off. you follow along, picking up the pace so you're side by side. he leads you away from the cabins and towards one of the forest walking paths.

"i thought we weren't supposed to walk these paths at night?" your question doesn't deter him as he continues to walk, the crunch of twigs beneath your feet filling the small void of silence along with the crickets chirping.

"we aren't supposed to in the dark, but as far as i can see it's still light out" he says and points up to the sky, the sun has almost fully set. the sky a deep cool blue that's just barely bright enough with all the stars to see where you're going.

"rule breaker" you snort, and he shrugs looking up to the sky as he walks. his feet avoiding certain tree roots with practiced ease. showing just how often he'd walked the path.

"i prefer rule bender" he says while looking down towards you. "it's fine we'll walk this way for a few minutes and then we'll end up in front of the lake" he points off the pathway making you raise a brow. "trust me, i've done this a thousand times"

"what made you start doing this anyway?" you ask curiously, following closely beside him as he leads the way.

"Ben has worked here longer than me. when i started he took me out for a walk my first night for some fresh air since i was nervous" he jumps onto a boulder in front of you, pulling himself up before sticking his hand out to help you up as he speaks. "it sorta became a tradition for us each night that year, didn't last though clearly for him anyway."

once you're up on the boulder beside him he jumps down. "how come he never joins you now?" you ask from above him, he holds his hands out so he can catch you when you jump.

"we hadn't been placed in the same cabin my first year, it's much easier for one counselor to slip away instead of two of the three." you jump and he catches you with ease, gently setting you down on the ground. his arms linger for a few seconds around your waist before he lets go, making you shiver. "this way"

"do you have any traditions like that with Honey back home?" this time he asks the question, and you ponder for a moment as you both approach a clearing leading to the lake.

"nothing that involves walking at night, kind of a dangerous game to play as two women who definitely do not exercise the way we should" he laughs and you simply admire the way his eyes crinkle at the edges when he does.

"we do have movie nights every friday, we consistently have a growing list of movies we want to watch together so we pick a random one depending on our mood for the day and then make some popcorn and snuggle up on the couch." Anakin nods, kicking some small rocks into the shallow part of the lake as he listens to you.

"how do you manage every friday night?" he asks, coming to a full stop when he realizes you're not next to him anymore.

"we live together" you answer simply, while untying your shoes. he looks pretty confused before it clicks what you're doing.

"must be nice, me and Ben have thought about moving in together but we also think one of us would kill the other- i think the only thing keeping me safe now are the kids" you try to hold back a laugh but fail, Anakin just rolls his eyes continuing on back towards the campgrounds.

"it's definitely a little bit of a challenge at first, but once you figure out what works it's great." a comfortable silence falls over you two.

you keep your eyes out towards the lake, enjoying the way the stars reflect off the cold water. it's not till you turn back to Anakin that you see he's already staring at you. a soft look on his face that you can't quite read.

"we should probably head back to our cabins" he says softly, not wanting to break the silence. "busy day tomorrow" he adds voice barely above a whisper. it's strange the pull you feel towards him in this moment. it's always there but this felt different. like there was a shift in the air.

he holds his hand out and you feel your heart hammer in your chest as you take it without hesitation. and when he intertwines his fingers with yours you think you may just faint. this was different, not a sole around to see you two and yet here you both were.

"this is an interesting little relationship you and i have" he jokes and you can't help but giggle. he swings your hands beside you both as you guys walk. bright smiles that could outshine the sun on your faces. an interesting little relationship indeed.

you had to tiptoe back into the staff bedroom, everyone already asleep as you'd accidentally been out a lot longer than you'd intended. flopping onto your bed with a mix of excitement and exhaustion as you do your best to contain your giggles.

you stare up at the bottom of the top bunk, finally allowing it all to sit in. every little thing you'd done together, each thing he'd done swirling around in your head. oh you were so about to get the biggest 'i told you so's' in the morning, and you know what? you weren't even mad about it.

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"oh my gosh.. oh my gosh!? OH MY GOSH!" Padme's voice rang in your ears as she jumped up and down excitedly at the news, you decided to tell her the second she got back in the room from a shower before Opal did. you'd only just woken up, hadn't even gotten the chance to message Honey about it.

if you hadn't covered your ears you were pretty sure you might have gone deaf. "i knew it! i so knew it- i told you so didn't i" she's shaking you now, your head wobbling back and forth with each jostle.

"Padme… i love you but i think i'm going to pass out if you keep whipping me around like this" she releases your shoulders only to wrap her arms around you and deathly bear hug.

"i'm sorry i can't help it, i just knew he liked you. you two make the cutest couple!" woah, you pull back at that- couple? i mean it's not like you'd both confessed. well maybe indirectly but you definitely were not dating yet. not for real anyway… right?

"uhh Padme we're still just fake dating" she deadpans at you and the fire behind her eyes makes you think she just may start jostling you around again.

"nope i refuse to accept that as a reality." you give her a look, ready to tell her that's not how that works but she puts a finger over your mouth keeping you quiet. "i need you to think about what you just said and then think about last night again and try to tell me that you're not actually dating."

she moves her finger from your mouth and you give it a few seconds to test if she's serious. when you realize she is in fact you open your mouth once again to deny it but are promptly shut down but her finger on your mouth again a soft 'shhhhh' coming from hers.

you sigh, pulling back from her. "alright i'm not going to say it but just know i'm thinking it" she rolls her eyes completely over this game of back and forth.

"and just know i rebuke it" you stick your tongues out at each other before smiling and laughing. she leaves you alone in the room as you get changed and ready for the day. you leave yourself with just enough time to message Honey about everything that's happened.

'OMG SO YOU TWO ARE FINALLY TOGETHER FR EEEEEK!!' her message brings a smile to your face that probably mirrored hers. oh how you hate how you're gonna have to shut it down.

'not exactly… we're still just fake dating yk…' theres a long pause on Honeys end before the speech bubble appears.

'girl don't play with me rn 😐' honestly why'd you even bother, nothing you say ends up being taken seriously by anyone.

'i'm serious Honey' you're pretty sure she's fighting you in her mind rn with how quick her responses are.

'y/n i need you to tell me one time you've guessed correctly about your situation with Anakin so far and then i'll believe you' you're stuck staring at your screen in silence. racking your brain for an answer, evidently you take too long as honey follows up with 'yea, that's what i thought'

brutal honesty, not something she uses on you often but clearly she decided this was a special case. 'okay well this was nice but i have to go to breakfast now😁' You try to switch topics and end the conversation there but she brings it right back.

'subject changes don't work on me babes💋💋" alright and that's enough from Honey you snort a laugh before turning off your phone. that girl knew you too well for your own good.

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it's safe to say breakfast went differently today, not just because it was Canoe day which meant it was a more 'extravagant' breakfast- pancakes instead of eggs and French toast instead of breakfast sandwiches- but because now you and Anakin had a slightly unspoken thing going on.

one that you mutually had acknowledged last night without actually discussing it. "mooorning" Ben greets you with a mischievous glint in his eyes as you sit beside Anakin. taking a long dramatic sip of his water before sending you both a wink. Anakin wasn't paying much attention as usual.

he did however shockingly have a plate of food in front of him, and a not-so-sleepy expression on his face. you choose to ignore Ben's teasing and focus on Anakin instead with a raised brow. "like i said busy day today" he says before taking a bite of french toast.

"yea he's been up for the last two hours shockingly, just so he'd be awake enough to want to eat" Ben says annoyed, clearly he'd been the one to have to wake him up.

"how is today's schedule going to go?" you ask not having been given the full breakdown, just the rough summary.

"well after we finish breakfast here, there's going to be free time while a few of the selected staff members help set up all the canoes and rope off the section of the lake we'll be rowing in. once they're done we're free to do whatever we want really, go in the canoes or stay on the lakefront and just chill. until the cookout in the evening followed by the bonfire and s'mores before we all have to turn in for the night- they even extend curfew for this" Rex grows restless at Ben's side the more he explains, like a child ready to be released in a candy store.

you watch him amusedly, and when Ben finally finishes Rex is quick to chirp in- "and this is my year to shine as i've been one of the selected staff members to help set up" he says proudly, puffing out his chest like a mating bird that has you snorting laughing at him.

"yea they selected him this year" you could tell there was a hidden 'and not me' behind Ben's words, but didn't push as he didn't seem too upset by it. just mildly annoyed.

"i think it's great you got selected Rex, it's the perfect chance for you to prove to them exactly why they didn't choose you any of the years prior" Anakin teases and Rex deadpans before sending him a swift kick from under the table.

you and Ben both roll your eyes at their antics. "you two are ridiculous you know" Ben chimes in and Anakin deflects with a 'what it's true'.

"well, i'm just happy because me and y/n are going to be canoeing together" Anakin says while wrapping an arm around your waist. if you had food in your mouth you probably would have choked.

you fight the urge to verbalize a 'we are?' as you take a sip from your water bottle to distract yourself from how much you enjoyed his touch.

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Anakin, Ben, Padme, and you all spent free time together. just chatting on one of the benches outside of the lodge hall, all of the kids from each cabin were playing tag in front of you all in the open grass area as the selected staff members finished setting up for the day.

it was crazy how casually Anakin had slipped into his role as your fake boyfriend but what was even crazier was just how much more he was acting like he was your actual boyfriend since last night. yeah, Honey and Padme may have had a point.

the four of you were all sitting on the bench side by side, packed together like sardines. Anakin had made it a smidge easier for all of you by having you rest one of your legs over his to make more room. his thigh's warmth against the back of yours was easy to get used to.

the big calloused hand of his that rested on top of your thigh however was a little bit harder to brush past. especially with how much you were all joking around, laughter bubbling out of your chests and each time without fail if the joke made him laugh hard enough he'd give your thigh a squeeze.

you were a flustered mess and it was so pathetically obvious, even as you tried to pretend this was all normal. laughing when the group laughed occasionally tossing in your own joke when you'd actually paid attention enough to know what was going on.

despite all of that; when the announcement was made for everyone to come down to the lakefront because they'd finished setting up, you and Anakin were the last to leave the bench. watching as all the kids ran down excited to get in the lake on the canoes the rest of the staff not far behind.

He gives your thigh a pat to get your attention, and you don't waste a second to give it to him. "ready?" it all felt to good to be true honestly but you nod nonetheless, pulling your leg off of his and standing up.

he takes your hand in his this time without asking, tugging you along behind him as you clumsily follow. he's the one to push the canoe out, the one who helps you tighten your life vest before helping you step inside and then climbing in himself. rowing you both out to the outer edge of the lake away from where everyone else was.

Anakin seemed to always be the one to take initiative, to test how far you'd let him go, and each time no matter how small of a push. you felt the pull towards him grow stronger. it was almost ridiculous, but you didn't dare try and fight it. not anymore.

"we should go out further" you blink a few times trying to figure out if he'd been talking this whole time and you'd somehow missed an entire conversation with him. he looks over to you awaiting your answer, when he sees your confusion he juts his chin towards the rope sectioning everyone off to this side of the lake.

"we can't go past the rope Ani, it's against the rules" Anakin freezes completely at your sentence and your brows crease together in concern. did he really wanna go out past the rope that bad?

"i.." he begins but trails off once more a blush growing on his cheeks as he clears his throat trying to push it down. but the way his ears shine a bright red are a dead give away and now you're trying to remember what you said that could have gotten such a reaction out of him. "right, yeah but it's only against the rules if we get caught" he finally recovers.

"i think i'd be kind of hard to miss a single canoe floating past the rope" you cross your arms and he smiles, ever the rule 'bender'.

"they're all to busy enjoying their own time to care, come on it'll be fun" he's already rowing you both to the rope before you even get to answer.

"famous last words" you grumble and he snorts, giving a quick glance behind you to check if anyone’s looking before he lifts the rope up and rows you both past it.

"yet you're doing nothing to try and stop me" he says while continuing to row you both out, slowly getting farther and farther away from everyone. he doesn't stop until you guys are slightly behind the small island that’s in the center. "see perfect"

he moves the paddles into the canoe, laying on his back so that he's looking right up at the sky. "do you do this every year too?" you ask, leaning into your palm as you watch him.

"nah but i've always wanted to" he looks over to you briefly while putting his hands behind his head for a little added cushion. your eyes briefly glancing down as his shirt rides up exposing a little bit of his midriff. "now i have a partner in crime" he jokes and you roll your eyes.

"more like someone to bring down with you" you force yourself to look up at the sky, leaning back on your hands and using the sides of the canoe as support.

"goes hand in hand really" you hum at his response, allowing a peaceful silence to wash over you both. the sound of laughter from everyone in the distance and the warm rays of the sun washing over you two made the moment feel like something out of a movie or maybe it was just the heat making you hazy.

you both sit like that for a while, basking in the sunlight before Anakin's phone vibrates in his pocket. you turn to look at him shocked he risked bringing it out onto the lake, the odds of you two falling out were low but you'd never chance it. "it's Ben, he said they're all looking for us"

"all as in everyone or all as in just our friends?" you ask suddenly panicked as he sits up, tucking his phone back in his pocket before nudging his foot against yours.

"just our friends, relax. we've been out here for thirty minutes it's no wonder they're looking for us" thirty minutes!? maybe the heat really was getting to you because it had not felt like thirty minutes.

good news you and Anakin successfully make it back on the sectioned-off side of the lake without being caught by the camp directors. bad news buckets of surprise water balloons had been brought out.

the kids were going crazy with them, completely targeting the very outnumbered staff. which you'd only realized after you'd stepped off the boat. being met with the feeling of ice-cold water splashing against your head, broken pieces of hot pink rubber falling to the ground.

the culprit, Zion, standing red-handed in front of you with another balloon rearing to go. the second it leaves his hand you run, causing Anakin to be the one hit instead. square in the middle of his back since he was busy putting up the canoe with the others.

the second the canoe is secure he's running after Zion, grabbing a water balloon from the bucket along the way. you load up with a few of your own ready to chase after him as well only to get hit by Ahsoka from your right. you switch targets instantly both of you tossing all the balloons in your hands at each other as you chase after her.

that's how the next few hours are spent until the very last water balloon is used and the sun is halfway down the horizon. the selected staff members already getting the bonfire going before everyone headed over.

the cold water that soaked your clothes mixing with the cool night breeze was lethal as your teeth chatter together. Padme and Ben had run back to the cabins to grab blankets and towels for your friend group, a few other counselors doing the same as well as some of the campers.

Rex, Anakin, Opal, and you found a spot close to the fire as you waited for their return. you did your best to hide your smile as you watched Opal finally talk to Rex for the first time, a blush on both their cheeks as they spoke.

it was adorable, but you had to stop Anakin from teasing them. it didn't take much really just a gentle smack to his arm telling him to stop and that Opal was too sweet to be teased like that.

"for the happy couple" Ben teased, chucking a soft blanket at Anakin before plopping down with Padme and handing Rex a towel. both he and Padme had changed their clothes before returning. the smart idea honestly as the fire was doing nothing with how wet your clothes were.

Anakin wraps what was definitely his blanket judging by the smell of his cologne on it, around you both after gently pulling you into his chest. arms resting around your waist as you practically sat in his lap. if you weren't bordering hypothermia you'd probably be freaking out more, currently however you were just happy to enjoy the warmth of his body.

how he was so warm when he was just as soaked as you, you had no idea. that boy was just a human furnace. "do you wanna go change?" Anakin whispers into your ear, creating a little bubble with just you two in it despite having your friends all around you.

did you want to go change? yes definitely- did you want to have to get up and move in order to do so? no, no you did not. "i'm good" he chuckles, your teeth still chattering as you speak.

"you're freezing" he argues and you simply shrug. he rolls his eyes before fully pulling you into his lap now, wrapping his arms over yours completely cocooning you. you let out a soft satisfied sigh that has him smiling against the back of your neck.

maybe you were hallucinating but you swear you felt his lips press a small kiss before he rested his chin on top of your head. "are you two gonna roast marshmallows?" Padme asks pulling your attention away from the fire. she has a smile on her face you've come to know all to well, as she waits for your answer. holding out the packet of roasting sticks for you to grab and pass to the people next to you.

"yeah thanks" Anakin says reaching out and breaking the shell of warmth as the blanket parts. as he pulls out two sticks before handing the packet to the next person it hits you; just exactly what you were doing and who you were doing it with. the irony of Padme being the one observing you two and you the one currently sitting in his lap.

you're absolutely dumbfounded, the feeling of Anakin's calm breathing against your back only makes it all the more surreal. over a hundred kids and staff gathered around a giant bonfire not even batting an eye at you two. to most of them you were actually dating so it made sense, and honestly you weren't sure how to feel about that.

this was more than just fake dating, that much was obvious even to you now. but if you weren't fake dating and you weren't actually dating, what on earth do you call whatever it is you two are doing right now? you felt your stomach twist in uncertainty the more you thought about it.

"here" Anakin holds out the stick to you, two marshmallows already on one end waiting for you to roast them. you blink a few times before taking it sticking your hand out from the blanket and holding the stick over the fire.

Anakin doesn't acknowledge your silence, probably thinking you were just enjoying the quiet. boy would he be wrong, there was no quiet to enjoy with how loud every thought in your mind screamed. curiosity clawing at you, needing to know just what to label you both as.

"you know when i was younger, my mom would take me and my stepbrother camping with Ben's family all the time." he shifted you in his hold as he extended his own roasting stick over the fire, carefully twisting it as he roasted his marshmallows. "and i still remember the first time i was finally allowed to roast my own marshmallows. i burnt them to a crisp"

"how'd you manage to do that?" you laugh and he smiles against the back of your head, continuing to twist the stick in his hand. you follow his lead twisting your own as he spoke again.

"well for starters i was like 9 and ornery." his voice was low, it rumbled in chest and against your back. "and i was so focused on trying to mess with Ben that i forgot i was even holding a marshmallow over the fire to begin with. the worse part was they all saw the marshmallow on fire and didn't say anything! not even my own mother" you bite back a laugh, poorly as he can very much tell you’re laughing at him.

"my first betrayal- she'd said it was the natural consequence for messing with Ben. she was right of course but i still got upset and threw a fit" you mumble a quiet 'bratty' under your breath and he gently pinches your side making you giggle.

quiet. all the thoughts in your head were gone as you listened to him speak, finishing roasting your marshmallows and then placing them onto the prepped graham crackers with chocolate that rested on top of your knee. the blanket half fallen off his shoulder from all the movement.

you didn't ask when he prepped the graham crackers, it wasn't important. not when you were sat in the lap of someone you'd grown so fond of, biting into s'mores simultaneously and relishing the sweet treat with a childlike fondness.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

the walk back to the cabins was a long one for everybody, you and Anakin lingering behind tiredly hand in hand not quite ready to let go of each other. it's not until you have to part ways to go to your separate cabins that you both acknowledge the fact you have to let go.

everyone else is inside getting ready for bed as you both stand face to face, working up the courage to say goodnight. "you have Marshmallow on your face" you reach up cradling his head with your hand as you wipe off the goo from his cheek with your thumb.

when you try to pull away his hand grabs hold of your wrist, forcing you to continue cradling his head- not that you were against it. the dark of the night was a dangerous thing you found, as it provided you with a cover the morning light didn't. a certain boldness that the sleep-ridden parts of your brain aided in. one that had him leaning down and you pushing up on your tiptoes to meet him halfway.

soft lips pressing against each other, the sugary taste of s'mores on each other's mouths making you crave more. just as you feel his tongue lick at your bottom lip you both hear the sounds of footsteps coming from behind you. pulling away quickly, flustered, very much wide awake and aware now.

Anakin clears his throat after Jacob walks past, not even paying attention as he scrolls on his phone. "i'll see you tomorrow y/n" you can't even meet his eyes, giving him a small nod ready to run back to your cabin as quick as possible.

"goodnight Ani" you say before doing just that.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

you crashed so quickly last night that you'd almost thought it was all just a dream when you woke up. the taste of roasted marshmallow still in the back of your throat the only thing reminding you that it was in fact reality. Holy shit. you kissed Anakin. Anakin kissed you. you both-

"are you okay? you look like you're having an existential crisis over there" you turn to Opal who's sat directly across from you, her phone forgotten in her hand probably from the moment you flung up in bed.

"uhhh- me yea i'm fine.. fine, great actually" your voice raises in pitch with each affirmation and she looks like she believes you less and less each time.

"you look a little pale y/n" you force a smile and give a nervous laugh. pulling yourself up and out of bed so quickly you stumble over your own feet almost crashing into the dresser.

"yep i'm totally cool" you repeat cool a few more times while grabbing your stuff for the day and stumbling out of the room down the hall and into the bathrooms.

as soon as you're inside one of the stalls you pull out your phone plopping onto the toilet lid. 'Honey i'm freaking tf out'

'what happened?' you bite your lip as you type out a very rush 'me and anakin kissed' but reading it back when you hit send it says 'mme ahnd anaki nkissed' thankfully it was legible enough as Honey was quick to send back a response.

'OMG!? 👀👀' you spend the next few minutes frantically typing out barely legible messages explaining what happened in between changing into your clothes for the day.

'this is the greatest day of my life and it's not even me who got kissed' not the time Honey you huff to yourself staying firmly locked in the bathroom stall away from all of your campers and probably Padme with a shit ton of questions if Opal mentioned the state you woke up in.

'what are you so freaked out about? is this not good news?' of course it was but had he even actually meant to kiss you or was it just the heat of the moment? and not to mention now you'd have to face each other and pretend like nothing was different until you got the chance to talk to each other semi-alone on the way to the activity center.

'it's just such inconvenient timing 😭😭' that was the best way you could think to put it.

'inconvenient timing? i'm sorry did you have a plan for a more convenient time in your oh so busy schedule??' you deadpan, at least her attitude was enough to calm you down.

'we beefin rn?🤨🤨' Honey liked the message and you find yourself smiling.

'yea we are let's go 💥👊💥👊' you laugh a little too loud at that, liking the message right before the door to the bathroom opens.

"y/n are you in here?" Mia's voice rang out. you turn your phone off tucking it in your back pocket, ignoring the next few buzzes as you grab your dirty clothes.

"yea i'm right here Mia, everything okay?" you ask while exiting the stall the young girl held out her hair brush and a handful of elastics.

"can you do my hair again? i wanna do bubble braids" you smile softly at her before directing her out of the bathroom with your hand on her shoulder.

"yea come on i'll do it in the other room i just need to put my stuff into my room.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

your able to successfully dodge most of Padme's questions on the way to breakfast. using Opal as a scapegoat by bringing up the fact she'd been chatting with Rex all night. a necessary sacrifice to keep her off your back, you'd find a way to apologize later.

right now your only focus was walking into the lodge hall and- he wasn't there. for fucks sake he wasn't there. your eyes dart over the entirety of the building in an instant. not in the breakfast line, not coming out of the bathrooms, not at the normal table, and certainly not at some other table. shit.

you skip the breakfast line entirely heading straight to where Ben and Rex are sat. "where's Anakin?" the question startles them as they both swivel in their seat turning to where you stood behind them.

"good morning y/n, how lovely it is for us your other clearly less important friends to see you on this fine day" Rex's sarcasm isn't lost on you but you brush it off giving him an 'i'm serious look'

"he didn't wanna get out of bed, it's not shocking with how early he was up yesterday and how late he stayed up but honestly you'd think after the fourth time i pulled his blankets off he'd have given in" Ben answers you relieving you of the fear he might have purposely skipped breakfast to avoid you.

you relax instantly letting out a soft 'thank the gods' before exhaustedly plopping onto the spot next to Ben. practically melting into the table, he gives you an awkward pat on the back for encouragement. "should we be concerned?" you shake your head no at his question, your forehead rubbing against the table with a weird squeak to it as you do.

"great because as much as i'd love a reason to beat up Anakin it's way to early for me to put in that amount of energy" you turn to look at Ben as he speaks, Rex agreeing with him through a mouth full of food. at least this time he keeps his mouth shut as he does it.

was this really a good outcome though? this meant realistically you wouldn't be able to discuss with Anakin until after the first period ended and that's if Rex even left you two alone.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

which he didn't as it turns out, because as usual, the universe loves to torment you. he'd managed to single-handedly keep you two from having even a second of alone time together. since when did Rex talk this much honestly?

not to mention the kids all had to come to you and Anakin since Rex was no help, you really regretted agreeing for the kids to get another day of working on friendship bracelets. the collections of bracelets you received growing larger, to the point you felt guilty not being able to wear them all and just took them off only keeping the one Anakin had made you on.

you could tell a few of the kids were disappointed because of this but you explained to them you'd cherish each one and just didn't want to ruin them which seemed to make them feel a little better even for the ones who didn't truly believe you.

all day it’d been like that, talking to Rex, explaining to the kids something you'd thought they'd already figured out the day prior to canoe day, reassuring them you did like the bracelet they made you even though you didn't have it on. an endless cycle making it hard to breathe when all you wanted to do was take two minutes to yourself in order to pull Anakin aside and ask what that damn kiss meant to him. what it made you.

even on the way to dinner it was never-ending chatter from the kids and Rex, and gods it was just too much. you were overstimulated, about ready to explode at the next person who came up and talked to you. forget talking to Anakin you just needed everything to stop.

"y/n" Anakin's hand on your arm pulls you to a stop, all the kids continue on pass you both along with Rex who takes lead after Anakin sends him a look. "breathe" he slides his hand down your arm and into your palm giving it a gentle squeeze.

you hadn’t realized just how much the world around you was spinning, breathing in much too fast for any oxygen to actually enter your lungs. when he notices you still unable to catch your breath he gently pulls you to his chest, giving you a hug just tight enough for the pressure to help relieve you.

he takes long exaggerated breaths in an attempt to trick your brain into copying him. it works, slowly at first, but eventually you're calm. relaxing into his hold and listening to the sound of his beating heart. it's embarrassing how fast you spiraled without realizing it, but Anakin doesn't say anything.

for once he didn't try to joke his way out of a serious moment, letting you take all the time you needed to recover. when you do finally pull away he doesn't try and ask what was wrong, he lets you find the words you want to say.

"thank you..." you start, looking up into his eyes. he doesn't look scared or concerned not at first glance. not until you really look into his eyes do you see the worry hidden behind his calm expression. putting on a brave face to keep you calm and comfortable. "i'm okay now, promise."

"what happened there?" he finally asks, your hand still in his. his thumb rubbing soothing circles over the cold skin.

"i don't know…today was just a lot" he leads you both to the nearest grass patch to sit down in. you let out a loud sigh opting to lie down instead.

Anakin lays down beside you keeping his eyes up at the stars above you. "Yeah for me too" you look over to him checking to see if he was just saying that to make you feel better. there's a genuine look of exhaustion on his face that shows he isn't.

you both fall into a somber silence and for the first time, you take initiative. your fingers tapping against his making him turn his attention down to your hand. you keep your eyes on the stars but you can see him smile faintly through your peripherals.

he turns his hand up letting you slide yours into his, the mood already feeling much lighter. "you always manage to quiet my mind" you confess, turning your head to his. your noses are so close they're almost touching. its a different kind of overwhelming, the kind with that underlying pull towards one another. the same pull you felt last night when you kissed.

"funny because you always manage to make mine louder" you snort and he laughs "what i'm serious, i've never met someone who takes up as much of my mind as you" the sincerity in his voice is what makes your breath hitch, giving him the courage to continue.

"even now i can't get my mind to stop running with thoughts and questions about you. it's kind of annoying" oh you were in love with him. would you be saying that out loud anytime soon absolutely not. way to soon, but there was no denying it in your heart. the way it swelled from his words before kicking into overdrive.

there's a long pause as you just stare into each other's eyes before you break the silence. "Ani….can you kiss me again?" he takes so long to respond you're almost sure you only asked in your head.

"i like when you call me that" he mumbled, so quietly and quickly you're barely able to catch it before his lips are on yours.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

Oh what a joy it was to tell Honey, Padme and Ahsoka all of this the next day. truly you were ecstatic you'd talked for the rest of dinner together, about anything and everything. eventually landing on the big 'what are we' question. to no one's surprise but your own denial's, he'd asked you out.

now having been dating for the last two weeks of camp. the dreaded day of goodbyes had finally come.

all the campers had left a few days prior leaving just the staff to help clean up and put everything away for the summer. you'd all finished the first day giving you guys the last two days to just chill and hang out together one last time.

you honestly felt like crying as Padme hugged you, neither one of you wanting to let go of the other. "i don't know how i'm going to survive this world without you" she sniffles and you can't help but laugh.

"i think i've rubbed off on you too much, you're starting to sound like me and Honey" you sniffle as well and both pull away laughing at just how emotional you were.

"save some tears for the rest of us" Rex calls from over Padme's shoulders. you flip him off and he does it right back to you before walking over and giving you a proper hug goodbye.

"i hope everything works out between you and Opal" he smiles down at you while pulling away, patting your head like some child. you have half a mind to swat him away but ultimately decide to let it slide just this once.

"alright me next" Opal says engulfing you in a bone-crushing hug "i loved hanging out with you even though it was for a short amount of time, i hope we get to hang out again soon or next summer!" you smile patting her back to let you go so you can breath enough to talk.

laughter bubbles out of you both after the wheeze that leaves your mouth. "we'll see each other again it's a promise" you finally speak. Ben walks up to you now pulling you into a hug as well.

"i am just so grateful that Anakin finally has someone else to bother all the time" he jokes and you hear Anakin gasp dramatically behind him making you snort.

"you're not off the hook Kenobi, you've just gained another person for him to help bother you." he lets out a sigh crossing his arms as he steps away from you.

"i was afraid you'd say that, i suppose i'll just have to learn to live with it." he strokes his beard pretending to truly ponder this over, and you roll your eyes before turning to Anakin.

he was looking at you like a sad puppy and you felt so incredibly guilty as if you'd be leaving him forever. which wasn't the case at all in fact you'd planned a date for saturday night. still he pulled you into a hug holding on like he was going to lose you. it was going to be weird going from seeing him every day to just a few days of the week.

it would be okay though, he would make sure of it.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦✧.·:·.*═╝

Bonus scene (as well as another wee times skip):

"omg i can't believe this is it!!" Honey jumped up and down beside you as you walked towards the restaurant. "i'm finally meeting her this is a dream come true"

"you know i honestly figured you'd be more excited to meet Ben" she just let out another squeal unable to verbally answer. she was excited to meet everyone for different reasons, Padme just happened to be the only person she really cared about. the bestie who helped her bestie as she put it.

the look in Honey's eyes when she laid eyes on her was definitely an i'm either going to faint or scream look. judging by the way she completely froze you guessed fainting was the higher possibility, slowly you pushed her towards the group, already sat amongst a conjoined table outside.

"y/n!" Padme cheered upon seeing you followed by an excited squeal when she saw Honey. "omg! it's good to finally see you in person!" she was out of her seat in an instant, giving you a long hug before her and Honey clung onto each other like long-lost siblings.

"you'd think she was the one introducing me" you joke before turning to the rest of the table and greeting everyone else, giving them all quick hugs before you sat down next to Anakin.

he gives you a kiss on the lips in greeting instead of a hug, putting his arm around your shoulder as you wait for the two girls still hugging to release each other and join you all.

"omg it's so weird seeing you all, i can't believe you're real" Honey snorts, plopping down on the empty seat next to Padme.

"so Opal, Rex, and Ben" she says listing off the last three members and pointing at them for confirmation- not that she needed it.

"it's an honor to meet you" Ben said sticking his hand out to which she happily, albeit shyly, shook.

"what is she famous? who greets someone like that" Anakin jokes and Ben just rolls his eyes, you smack his arm chastising him like a disobedient child to which he gives a dramatic 'ow' while rubbing his arm.

"hate to say it but i'm with Anakin that was oddly formal even for you Kenobi" Rex teases as well and Opal shrinks beside him feeling sympathy for Ben but much to shy to say anything to Rex.

"it was a normal greeting" Ben argues, feeling himself fluster under the spotlight of his friends. now that was rare, and an interesting sight to see.

"alright let's order food i’m starving" Padme pivots the conversation away from Ben's odd behavior.

the group of you all relearning how to navigate with each other along with Honey. it was easy though, everyone clicking into place like pieces of a puzzle. jokes and stories flowing from your mouths without a single awkward pause.

the warm breeze of summer blowing away with the new cool wind of fall with each passing second and shared laugh.

a/n: she’s here 😭 she’s finally here

i shall have my wattpad and ao3 up to date tmr whenever i wake up ✨

i’m going to be completely honest with you guys and say after the 2 am mark i forgot pretty much everything i previously wrote 💀 been writing purely off intuition 😀

anywhooo hope you guys enjoy fr 🫶🏼🫶🏼 you’ve been so supportive and i appreciate ever second of it!

a special thank you to @munsondjarin who is the whole reason this fic was even conjured up and @everydaydreamer who encouraged me to write it as well as let me bounce ideas off of her anytime i needed 💋💋 love you both sm

i’m not sure when the bonus smut chapter will be written or out but i shall keep you all posted and in the mean time i am finally going to write some fall fluff oneshots 🥳🥳 and also im going to be doing the rest of my august schedule

so please send in any questions you have for me surrounding the series, whether it be character info or inspiration or how i can up with certain names and so on✨

i’ll also be posting all of the cut dialogue and possible ways scenes were originally supposed to go (i took ss throughout the process before i deleted anything🙂‍↕️)

now if you excuse me i am going to pass out🥰 have a wonderful days huns Xx <3

tag list: @anakinskwkler @anakinstwinklebunny @divineani @huayan @poppysrin @bxbyysstuff @dollhobigem @skywalkercinema @corio-letit-snow @avatarobsessedgirly @kelsxxyawn @7xss @throughparisallthroughrome @humongouscatfest @rhiannonhippiegirl @akixxrafiiy @ter-luer @w0rsh1psells @bulllsseye @anitaxl @everydaydreamer

[002yb]

Hi! i love your blog <3 and I wanted to ask if you have any ideas/headcanons surrounding a Jason that was ressurrected maybe a decade or two later than in canon and his relationships with Bruce or Dick or Damian or Talia (if all of them are even alive by them)

No thoughts, just same-age!Damian+Jason!AU ( ˶°ㅁ°) !! Or rather, Batman!Dick + Robin!Damian save resurrected!Jaybin.

Where Jason is resurrected ten years later and what happened a decade ago still feels like minutes prior. In his mind, it's not a casket and six feet of dirt Jason digs himself out of, but gravel and shrapnel. He's still just as hurt, just as scared, but it doesn't matter. Jason's awake and alive and he wants Bruce.

Nothing registering beyond that yearning to feel safe. Nothing mattering but going home. The trauma hitting hard and leaving him a wreck of a boy who just wants to apologize and be told that it's okay — that he is okay.

Jason wants to go back. Desperately. Tragically.

What he gets is this: the familiarity of Gotham with all its crime and corruption. The icy pinpricks of rain beating down on him. The daring hands of twisted men that pull him down alleys and laugh when he struggles. And yet it's not them who Jason hears...

HAhahHAhAHAhaHa!

Jason gets away after laying the men out flat. And that's when someone sneaks up behind him and Jason lashes out—only to get laid out flat, himself. By Robin.

Jason being in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Choking on a relieved sob because Robin is alive and safe. And that Robin came for him. But then realizing that can't be right because Jason is right here.

Something something one of the men stirring and looking to retaliate. Before Robin can act though, Jason flips them around. Protective on instinct despite Robin's protest (because Robin had it handled and now a 'civilian' is getting erroneously injured)

Enter: Batman

And Jason doesn't see him because of how he wraps himself around Robin, but he hears him—a familiar flutter of a cape and just like that, Jason is drawn to him. Sitting back to straddle Robin while looking over his shoulder at a dark shadow. Breaking at the sight of him, eyes welling with tears and lip trembling because Jason is still fifteen and just went through hell and he's sorry. He's so fucking sorry, don't be mad at him. Take him back, please. Please. He'll be better this time. He'll be good.

Robin's complaints falling on deaf ears as Jason stumbles to his feet, taking staggering steps towards Batman before Jason runs to him. Throwing himself into Batman's chest, arms wrapped tight around him.

Sobbing when those arms would come around him—as a hand would tangle in his hair and pull him impossibly close so as to not lose him again.

But it's wrong. Everything is wrong.

Because this isn't Bruce. It's Dick.

Still, they hold Jason like he's dear even as they sink to the ground with Jason half curled in their lap; broken over Jason and stealing his breath with how desperately they cling to him.

Robin!Damian not understanding what's happened with this emotionally distraught child or why it is that his partner looks like he's seen a ghost, why he looks damn near to tears. 'Pull yourself together. (¬_¬")'

Jason only placing who it is when Dick pulls away from him to look Jason over. It's the warmth of Dick's hands that come to rest on either side of Jason's face, thumbing away tears and dirt and grime. Tentative, gentle. It's the stormy blue of his eyes behind the cowl and that gravity that's always been about him that draws Jason in.

The sobs die down, choked down as Jason comes to the conclusion that he came back wrong. Because Dick is older. Because Bruce is gone.

A quiet moment where these two look at each other before they rest their foreheads together and Jason mourns too many losses. Because it's his turn for that now, it seems.

Bruce, dead. Dick, burdened by a hero's cause; clipped and caged by a mantle that never fit him, that he never wanted. It's sad. It's awful. What a terrible future.

Jason's only consolation? The Joker is dead. Killed by Dick's hand (as Nightwing's last hurrah). Also, Alfred, of course. But yes, very much an AU of 'making the best of it.' Also, an AU where it's all batboys coping with loss and moving forward together.

Extra thoughts:

Jason's body healing poorly, so resuming his role as Robin is a precarious thing. And being told 'no,' even temporarily (spoilers: it's not temporary), leads to the greatest of temper tantrums because the loss is too much. Because where does Jason fit if not as Robin? What purpose does he have? Robin was his connection with this family, with Bruce; don't take that away.

Just something with Jason going after Damian to literally fight for Robin's role. Only Damian lays Jason out flat. And he's not trying to be mean, but Damian is blunt about the circumstances. The truth is that Jason doesn't compare to him (condition, training, etc). Let it go.

Which upsets Jason more because denial. But Damian fights with him until Jason tires himself out. Taking hits and giving them back because Jason is acting a child.

Then Dick pulls Jason back and Jason screams in that way that breaks into a broken sob and oh.

Dick having to talk Jason down.

His heart breaking because Jason feels that Robin is taken from him not because he's physically incapable or because he's being looked down on—it's punishment. But he's sorry. Let him help. He'll listen this time. He swears it.

Just Jason being so beaten down and devastated because everything fell apart in an instant and he can't make anything right no matter how he tries.

All the mourning and regrets and guilt. It drowns him. He chokes on it.

Something something Dick helping Jason find his purpose again.

Something something Jason helping Dick find his purpose at the same time (because the Batman struggles are suffocating him, too).

More thoughts:

A talk between Dick and Jason at some point about how Dick always thought it would be Jason to take the cowl. Which baffles Jason because what. But Dick is being honest. ;3;

Jason being resigned to live as a ghost until Dick pushes him to be social (don't need to be legally alive to go to a book club, little wing).

Ahhhh, petulant Jason dragging his feet as he's dropped off at aforementioned book club. But then he gets to chatting with old ladies about some classics and some recommendations from over the past decade and it's not a bad time.

Oh. The old ladies flirting with Alfred whenever Alfred comes by ahahahaha.

Also, especially in the earlier days, Alfred not letting Jason wallow and carting him about the manor to help with chores, instead. And just being this quiet, supportive presence as Jason processes everything.

Sometimes Jason gets disoriented because Alfred looks so much older. Sometimes he gets teary eyed when he looks at Jason - overwhelmed with a gratefulness Jason doesn't understand because time passed so differently for them

Oh. Also, no more meta rule for Gotham because Dick doesn't give a fuck? So Jason can befriend all the heroes. Just Dick's (and Tim's) support network becoming Jason's.

Speaking of Tim. He's around. I don't know what he does, but Jason probably accidentally ends up being nice to him (impressed by Tim's competency and how it's a relief that someone so capable stepped in when Jason was gone and--) and Tim is mortally wounded forever by the praise from his second Robin lol.

Also, Dick and Jason developing this really sweet relationship because they got each other through times where they were struggling and were vulnerable and it just fostered a really warm sort of trust between them.

Random scene:

Something with Dick being worn thin and crumbling beneath the weight of everything Batman is. Hating life, but bearing it.

Jason sitting with him and taking the cowl off. Commenting on Dick's unhappiness. Leveling with Dick that this will kill him, same as Bruce.

It's hard because Batman is a symbol for this city, but the truth is that Batman has never been her only hero. She's had many - she'll have more. She can't have Dick.

Jason scrubs away some of the eye black and smiles a bit when he catches Dick's gaze. So damn blue.

Dick turning into the touch, sighing into the heel of Jason's palm. Gentle and reverent and for just a moment - Jason is taken aback by it all. The closeness, the familiarity and intimacy. This is all they could have been, huh? Or rather, it's all they are. All they've become.

So much changed and so much will. And it can get better. Loss still haunts him, but there are still safe places for him, safe people.

This AU runs away from me, but yes. Feelings. (੭ ˊ^ˋ)੭ ♡

Also, hi. Hello. Thank you for loving my blog. //3///

[jellyfemmedyke]

"I'll also say that this is sometimes supported by the trans man creators, like Jammidoger. It's not just the trans women, it's not just the essayists […]" & "you should feel gender affirmed from the violence done to you because that's just how men are actually".

Thing is, until I found trans men/masc people talking about transmisandry/transandrophobia online, every time I tried interacting with my local trans community, especially with other trans men/masc people, has included them all parroting or agreeing with the above sentiments, and it's why I stopped going to my local support group or interacting with them at all. Hearing those things from some well-known and respected trans women and men in our local community and getting pushback when I wanted to talk about trans masc issues, was just so disappointing.

Which is why I'm happy Jessie made that video and came to the conclusion she did. I left a comment just about my opinion on the matter, that while yes I've felt left out on her videos and wish she included our perspective more often, I also remind myself that she and her co-writer are both trans femme. So I don't take it as intentionally or even unintentionally leaving us out, it's a side effect of people writing what they know, however, that's exactly why I watch her, to get a better perspective for myself of trans women/femme issues.

But there were also lots of trans men and masc people in the comments who said a lot more about what our issues are and the harm it does to exclude us, how we do face similar or even the same kind of violence for the same reasons as trans women and femme people, and that often, her exclusion of us in her videos (especially the Barbie one) is adding onto the already exhaustive history of transandrophobia from within the trans community. While I've not changed or added to my comment, in the face of those others, it felt lacking, but I'm also really kinda exhausted at this point, since I've been fighting against biphobia from both cishet and other queer people most of my life now, so in the face of transandrophobia, I just have no more fight in me and have resorted to elevating the voices of others who do.

Sorry for the rant, you don't have to respond, I guess I just wanted to say thank you for getting a ball rolling and here's hoping it goes farther than other attempts before this.

Hey! I think I actually saw your comment, I thought about it a lot too which is is cool that it's bringing me full circle here but I do also agree in part that because they are trans femmes their thoughts and opinions are bound to be almost exclusively from their perspective. I do also watch for that perspective in part as well, but I feel that bigger trans creators who talk about trans topics, need to remember that there isn't just that one kind.

They have the opportunity to make a difference, to give others a voice, a voice which severely lacking in these spaces. I'm not going to wholesale blame them for perpetuating transandrophobia or anything, but if you're making a video on trans experiences and then leave out a crucial part of that experience, or at worse, uncritically repeat those same ideas as a bigger creator with lots of followers, it can have a serious negative impact on members of that groups and reinforces it, transandrophobia. This reminds me of the video that Abigail Thorne did called Beauty, Food, Mind. A lot of that video is her talking about how fatphobia affects HER, a thin beautiful actress, and doesn't really even mention much of fat struggles, or get fat perspectives, and she gained a lot of criticism within the fat youtube community for it because she had an opportunity and the didn't take it, making fatphobia only about thin people instead. I will be honest, I haven't had much of an irl queer community, I have my friends and I have gone out and interacted, but I'm disabled, and poor. I don't have the chance to go to any sort of community events or anything other than maybe a drag show every now and again especially here were I live now, I moved and am back in my home state, so it does make me nervous to even seek out and find a local community. online it's easier to brush off that kind of thing, not being considered or being talked down to or ignored, and tbh gaslit, but in real life? In my own home area, in my real domain?

I'm not sure I'd know how to cope with that rn, especially because I too have had some, let's just say not great experiences with in few irl trans people semi community type groups.

Lots of people are hurting and they take it out on each other, so I feel like I have to put on a persona, or be more femme to even be taken seriously and that sucks. So yeah, it's a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about transandrophobia online with other men and I'm happy happy happy we have this, but It is disappointing and I think it shows historically why trans men have tended to keep to ourselves.

[braceletofteeth]

Highschool/or college AU where Moonjo and Jongwoo are sitting at different tables across the cafe, completely alone (despite how packed it is), Moonjo keeps staring at Jongwoo, Jongwoo is alternating from looking at his book to looking up and narrowing his eyes at Moonjo... once Jongwoo starts to look angry, Moonjo smiles in endearment

The rest of the school (or the other og characters) just watch this daily interaction with varying distinct reactions

(srry, your post made me think of this loll)

[[One time Jongwoo throws his book down angrily and goes up to Moonjo but Moonjo is already meeting him halfway, everyone holds their breath waiting for a fight or- or something, because something is wrong with these young men. And to be fair, (Jongwoo looks like he's going to throw a punch.) But Moonjo is all casual with his hands in his pocket- which looks like a foreign movement from him like a doll, inhuman- and he just asks when they meet, "how's your book going, darling?" And Jongwoo sighs long suffering and, still slightly angry as he says, "you would know, you bastard." it's sort of soft too though and very familiar, and everyone is just ????]] rip.

(It's been a while, so, in case you'd like a refresher, this was the post that originally inspired you and I had to turn this blog upside down to find)

Ok, first of all, I love this idea of Jongwoo and Moonjo being at a place where a lot of people can observe their behavior (and get their conclusions of it). I got a little lost in the scenario you created, with the two of them sitting by themselves at the cafeteria, but directly opposite each other, on each other's sight, every day. Like... Is that Moonjo's fault? Does he pick his table according to where Jongwoo is sitting? What did Jongwoo do when he noticed? Did he try changing tables, to see if Moonjo would follow? What kind of relationship do they have? Does Moonjo follow him to other places, just to stare at him too? Is what they have casual enough that Jongwoo won't fight him on it, but not enough that he'll let Moonjo sit at his table?

I feel like I'm one of those students around them, because I too am thinking “the hell is going on here...? 👀”

And speaking about the others!! If you don't mind, I'd like to take a little tour through their tables, because I'm curious about their thoughts on this...

Let's see. I'm putting Junghwa and Seokyoon at the same table, with other unnamed friends around them, because they're friendly people. Seokyoon came from the countryside, and he had some trouble getting adjusted and being accepted in the beginning—for talking too much and without filter—but Junghwa took him under her wing. At school, she's considered an angel of sorts, because she's the first to offer help when someone is going through something.

One of those people had been Yoon Jongwoo. There were a few boys that liked to pick on him because he preferred to stick to himself and was short-tempered; therefore, an easy target. Jongwoo had got in trouble a couple times, because there was no one to take his side. The other boys got each other's backs, Jongwoo was alone; until Junghwa intervened, and spoke up for him. Since then, they are not as close as to be called friends, but there's mutual respect for each other.

Seokyoon is a little closer to him than that. Thanks to his initiative, Jongwoo had opened up to him. He was considered a good talking partner by Jongwoo because he fills the free space when Jongwoo doesn't feel like talking, and listens without judgment when he wants to complain about something that is eating at him. So Jongwoo is grateful, and fond of him.

But both Seokyoon and Junghwa know that lunch time is sacred, and every day, Jongwoo will be over at his own table, no matter how much they (Seokyoon) ask him to join them. Jongwoo uses lunchtime to read, and there are too many people at their table. He doesn't want to bother them, and most importantly, he doesn't want them to bother him. It's just better this way.

They have already noticed Moonjo, of course. There's hardly anyone who hasn't. He's the only other student to keep a whole table to himself, and all he does on lunchtime is look at Jongwoo. (Sometimes he brings an apple, but usually leaves it unfinished.)

He's one of the few orphan teens who go to that school because it's the closest to the city's orphanage. But he's also different from them. The others walk in groups, sticking to each other. They make big plates at lunchtime, like they don't get enough to eat at home. They also don't seem to care much about the school's dress code; while Moonjo's clothes are always pristine clean, shirt all buttoned up.

It's hard to tell if they have estranged him, or if he has estranged them.

Either way, be it another orphan like him or any of the others, Seo Moonjo doesn't seem to be friends with anybody. Except, perhaps, the teachers. The teachers adore him. He's older than Junghwa and Seokyoon, so they never had classes with him, but they have heard about it. The teachers made Moonjo class president. All the other students in his class hated that, but they couldn't do anything about it, because as far as the teachers were concerned, Moonjo was the most perfect, well-spoken, well-mannered young man.

He was just an insufferable asshole to everyone else.

Knowing that, Junghwa and Seokyoon worry. What would a guy like that want with Jongwoo? Surely, not anything good...? They are not even from the same year, and Jongwoo keeps to himself. Where would they have even met, talked, for Moonjo to show interest in what Jongwoo does at lunch?

Seokyoon brought it up directly with Jongwoo once, asking if he had noticed what he had decided to call “Seo Moonjo's suspicious and creepy behavior.” In response, Jongwoo had sighed, and talked at length about how annoying Moonjo is; but he didn't mention where they knew each other from, or why Moonjo seemed to be fixated on him. When Seokyoon offered his help (and Junghwa’s by default) to get rid of the guy, Jongwoo made a face, and said he would deal with it alone.

So here they are, for the past semester, waiting for either Jongwoo to “deal with it”, or to catch Moonjo doing something that they could report or call him out on—something morally wrong, instead of just unnerving.

And they are not the only ones interested in Moonjo's interest in Jongwoo.

A few tables over, Min Jieun is trying to take the right cues to laugh together with her friends, but today she keeps getting distracted by the sight of her ex-boyfriend... No, perhaps that's not the right term. They used to play as boyfriend and girlfriend, when they were kids. That was a long time ago. Then, they were good friends. After, high school started, and they split up for good, each following a different path.

Jieun wanted to be with the cool kids. She wanted to go to the shopping mall, to parties and concerts, and on trips to the beach. Jongwoo wanted to be with his books, in fantasy land. He hated her new friends, and her friends called him a weirdo. Jongwoo had always been over protective of her, too, and she had had enough of that. It was time she lived to her full potential, and she's been doing great since.

But that doesn't mean she's got bad feelings for Jongwoo now. Sometimes, when she sees him at school, she lets herself wonder how he's doing. This is one of these moments. Doesn't he ever get tired of these books? Why is he always alone? Oh, well, she thinks, looking in the opposite direction, maybe not totally alone.

The side profile of that sunbae is sharp, much like his eyes. Not now, resting on Jongwoo's face; but Jieun still remembers how cold they felt when they turned to her for the first time.

That day, she had said some things in the heat of the moment, and embarrassed herself during a conversation. She escaped from the awkwardness of it going to the school's rooftop, where she thought no one would be at. But when she opened the door, she discovered it already occupied.

Jongwoo and Moonjo were close to the edge, but not as close as they were to each other. Jongwoo was scowling and his mouth was open, the sentence he was saying cut short with Jieun's entrance. Moonjo still had the remains of a smile on his face when he turned his face to the door, but it slowly faded away when he saw her. He took just one look at Jongwoo, who had already taken two steps back, his head down, and in his next movement, when he met Jieun's eyes again, his gaze had turned glacial, sending a shiver down her spine.

At that moment, it didn't matter that it was her old friend by his side; she didn't feel safe to walk in with that guy there. Apologizing, she took a turn, and went straight back down.

She didn't think about them for a while—tried not to—, until one day during the last holidays.

Jongwoo and Jieun's mothers have been friends for decades, their houses facing each other, as well as Jongwoo and Jieun's windows. She knows Jongwoo's family leaves on trips to visit their relatives on holidays, and this year had been no different, as her mother had commented something on that week. For that reason, she was a bit surprised when, looking outside while listening to a friend on the phone, she saw a boy pass in front of Jongwoo's window. A boy that wasn't Jongwoo.

A boy much taller, with a gant look, much similar to the one who had sent her a murderous stare the last time she had seen him that close.

She waited there, unable to move, to see if he would cross the window again. But several minutes passed, and nothing of him. Alright then. Maybe she had imagined it. What would he be doing at Jongwoo's house anyway, especially when no one was there? Would Jongwoo have given him the key? Unlikely. The only plausible alternative that she could come up with, is that he could be a thief, and if Jongwoo's mother reported something missing later, Jieun would tell her what she saw. Or thought she saw.

But Jongwoo's mother reported nothing, supporting Jieun's most logical theory—there had been no one there. It was just her mind playing tricks on her.

She can't forget about it, though. She wonders what Jongwoo would say if she told him; if he would believe in her at all. She wonders if he would take Moonjo's side, or hers. She doesn't understand where they stand any more than she understood what was going on that day on the rooftop. Are they friends? Does Jongwoo trust him, or is he afraid? Does he even like him?

He doesn't even like him, thinks a boy at the other side of the cafeteria, at a table with other orphan boys, as it is him. This boy is Kihyuk, and he's still bitter about an event that occurred more than a few months back, when he tried to sit at Moonjo's table, but wasn't allowed to.

Moonjo had never minded that at dinner, when they were at home. In fact, Kihyuk was proud to say that, among all the kids, he is (was?) the one that least annoyed Moonjo. He isn't loud and he keeps himself as clean as he can. He's the one that takes it in his own hands to ensure the others won't bother Moonjo, will stay out of his way. Kihyuk is still relatively new at the orphanage, compared to the others, but he understands the hierarchy, and how important it is to be on Moonjo's good side. From the start, he has always been respectful and obedient.

But on that day, none of it mattered—Moonjo had looked at him like he was a specially nasty bug, that he'd take great pleasure in crushing under his shoe.

Crestfallen, he marched back to his usual table with the others and, mercilessly, they all took the piss on him. It was then that he learned about “Moonjo's Prayer Time”.

That's what the orphanage's director had called it, once the others had described his strange behavior back to her. Kihyuk didn't understand, at first, but watching Moonjo do the same thing, at the same hour, every day, religiously... He had to agree with them, to an extent.

But he still doesn't understand why. What does Moonjo do it for? Is he really praying? What is he praying for—that Jongwoo will look up at him? That he'll allow Moonjo to come over, like Kihyuk wishes Moonjo will let him?

He doesn't even like him, he thinks again, staring at Jongwoo just as intently as Moonjo, wasting away his lunchtime.

Far away from that table, there is a short boy with coconut hair and a broken nose, trying very hard not to look anywhere close to Yoon Jongwoo's general direction. He's Byeongmin, and he sits with the upper middle class kids—not because he's one of them, but because Han Jaeho is there, and he's got Byeongmin working under his thumb for the last three years.

They both study in the same class as Moonjo, and they both hate that fucker. In fact, no one in the whole world has hated, hates, or will hate Seo Moonjo as much Han Jaeho does, and the sentiment seems to be mutual, as Moonjo makes his life hell at every opportunity.

Jaeho is always looking for a way to break Moonjo, destroy his life, but there isn't much you can take away from a poor boy, who has no assets, no friends, and no family. He's also too smart, too handsome, and too cold to be made fun of. Had that not been enough, despite looking a bit scrawny, and sickly pale, he can hold himself in a fight too—Jaeho had found that out first-hand, and now he knows better. Not only is Moonjo strong, but he fights dirty, too. Dirtier than Jaeho himself.

But there has been one special card that he has been meaning to use. Because Jaeho knows, he just knows Moonjo is gay. He's gotta be, with the way he sits there looking at another boy every day. He's gotta be. Jaeho just needs concrete proof of it; once he gets it, Moonjo is done.

He's been telling Byeongmin that for months. They just need proof. If Byeongmin finds it for him, he'll take care of the rest.

That's how Byeongmin ended up at the library on a friday that the rest of the classes had been canceled for the day, looking for Jongwoo's “secret spot”. According to the rumor he'd heard, there was a space at the end of the library, hidden away by two bookshelves. Apparently, Jongwoo would occasionally move one of them, that stood before the space between the other bookshelf and the wall, and disappear inside with whatever book he's reading at the moment.

The person who spread the rumor mentioned that Moonjo had been seen doing the same thing.

So there was Byeongmin, walking on his tiptoes, hoping his footsteps wouldn't give him away, and the books on the shelves would cover most of his body, but still let him see what was happening on the inside.

Holding his breath, he saw Yoon Jongwoo on the floor, his back against the wall, and a heavy book on his lap. Next to him, there was an older boy that Byeongmin knew very well.

Moonjo's arms were crossed, his head was supported by the wall behind him, and his eyes were closed. Blinking in surprise, Byeongmin realized that he was probably asleep. He had never seen Moonjo sleep at school before. He looked like a different person.

Byeongmin took his phone out, letting the camera do its job. A picture and a short video. That would suffice.

He was putting it back down, when he noticed Jongwoo's eyes weren't fixed on the pages of the book anymore. He had lifted them up, and was watching Byeongmin from the other side of the bookshelf.

Still riding the high of his mission accomplished, Byeongmin stared back at him, not caring what Jongwoo thought now that he had already found what he had come for. He looked at Moonjo by his side, so frightening when he's awake, now sleeping like a stupid baby, completely unaware of what was coming his way—and he snorted, before turning his back on them and walking away.

He was almost home, past the sunset, when he felt a hand grab his shirt's collar, dragging him away and inside an abandoned building. He tried screaming, but the hand moved to his neck, cutting off his air supply. His eyes, still adjusting to the darkness inside the new area, were just focused enough now that he could recognize the face in front of him.

Yoon Jongwoo had pushed him to the ground and punched his face for what felt like a decade. They both felt it when his nose broke; but that just made him smash it harder, purposefully.

Belatedly, under all the pain, Byeongmin recognized that he should have kept that last sound—the last sound he made at the library, in Jongwoo's presence—to himself.

With his hands still shaking from the effort, and slippery with blood, Jongwoo had turned him over for his backpack, struggling with the zipper for a moment, then spilling all its content on the floor. He found his phone and quickly got rid of what wasn't Byeongmin's right to possess. Striking the phone on the space beside Byeongmin's head, he broke it for good measure.

Flinching away from the sound, Byeongmin tried to bring his hands up to protect his face, but Jongwoo was faster. He took his shirt on his fist and pulled Byeongmin's back from the ground, a finger coming between his eyes. He spoke for the first time since the assault had begun, and promised with a snarl that he'd break the rest of Byeongmin's body if he ever came after him or Seo Moonjo again.

Jongwoo didn't give Byeongmin time to answer, leaving him to fend for himself. Weeping, the boy found enough strength to support himself with his hands, lifting his upper body. He tried to think about what was he supposed to do next in a situation like this, but the pain made it hard to think. He wished he had passed out instead.

Before he could decide on his next move, however, a figure materialized from the shadows, walking in his direction. With horror, he realized it was his class president, very much awake, and not at all surprised by Byeongmin's condition. It seemed like he had been there the whole time, and it had never occurred to him that he could have stopped it from happening... or he simply hadn't wanted to.

Moonjo crouched down next to him, eyes on his level. His hand came in contact with Byeongmin's head, a gentle pressure.

Jongwoo is glorious, don't you think?, came a rhetorical, appreciative question, over the quiet sound of Byeongmin's sobs. The hand on his head closed, getting a grip of his hair. I need to show him how to quiet others better, though.

He brought out a tool from his pocket, forcing it past Byeongmin's lips.

The next thing he remembers is waking up at the hospital, with his face swollen all over. Purple eyes, a broken nose, and two teeth missing from the back of his mouth—roots and all. The police and his parents couldn't get a word out of him about the incident, and eventually he was sent back to school. To Jaeho's table, who got him into this mess, but didn't bother to investigate or question Byeongmin's absence and barely convincible explanation about what had happened to him.

So when again Jaeho says “we just need proof”, Byeongmin stabs his chicken soup with his spoon and doesn't say anything back. Doesn't even glance at the pair of freaks Jaeho is referring to.

He's found all the proof he needs.

—

Oh, wow 😀 Got a little carried away there... But I hope you don't mind me playing with this AU and extending it a little. I'd also like to apologize for taking so long to answer you *bowing all the way down*. This only took the past two nights to elaborate, in a sudden rush of creativity, but it's been almost three years of indecision on what to write here. I'm really sorry for that.

But I also believe you might still be around, so I'm wishing from the bottom of my heart that this will get to you and you will finally get to read your answer, Anon 🥹❤

[sugar-omi]

oh my GOD SELF AWARE COVE HAS SO MANY POSSIBILITIES IM GONNA BE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR AGES

JUST- the thought of Cove slowly realizing he’s going through a loop over and over and over and with every loop the MC starts to look and feel stranger and more far away to Cove and it’s driving him INSANE. Cove starts to keep track of these loops and notices that sometimes things get ever so slightly different or drastically different (say the players deciding to romance a different character or is doing a 100% platonic playthrough etc etc)

THE WHIPLASH COVE WOULD FEEL WHERE IN ONE LOOP THE MC IS ALL LOVEY DOVEY THEN IN THE NEXT THEYRE COLD AND INDIFFERENT TOWARDS HIM CAUSE THE MECHANIC OF COVE FEELING THE SAME WAY WOULD JUST BREAK UPON HIM BECOMING SELF AWARE

Cove having to deal with the feeling of closing his eyes as an adult only to open them and see he’s 8 years old again. What the hell just happened???? He was just at his own wedding with the love of his life and now he’s suddenly a crying child back on the poppy hill!!

AND THEN- and then Cove paying more attention to the MC as the loops go by and seeing them fade into this weird uncanny husk, they’re starting to feel more like a puppet than a person, and it terrifies him. What’s going on??? Are they okay?? Why is this happening to them????

Soon enough as he looks at the MC he finally notices and realizes that the MC “never existed”. This whole time the person he’s spent basically his entire life with never existed as someone in Coves world. No, instead they’re just a projection of someone else. Who? Coves not sure, but he feels like that whoever it is they’re the person who he’s actually been falling for over and over again.

And at that realization he come to the conclusion that he needs to meet this person beyond the veil, and he needs to meet them now.

This got kinda horror adjacent I apologize I got carried away-

NO THIS IS PERFECT

it tears him apart every time bc if you choose to romance someone else or not befriend/romance him, he can't say anything different since he doesn't have control over the system and he doesn't wanna alarm you

so he's forced to feel indifferent to you, and even in between he can't talk to you bc you're not real, the "you" that's here isn't interested in cove, and if "you" do take interest in him it's bc of the system, and everything is set in place as always

slowly he works out how to get to you, and he's leaning over you in his buff/lean, (tatted,) 6+ foot glory and teary eyed, asking why you keep playing with him, experimenting on him like this, making him watch you confess to baxter after he's loved you for 15 years. asking why you'd make that deal n choose his best friend derek over him.

well, it doesn't matter anymore. you can be together now, don't worry about his life in sunset bird, you can just build a life together just the two of you for now!!!

he actually prefers you like this compared to the game. you can say whatever you want without limits or prompting. and he can see your expression, hear your voice, actually touch you...

oh, and please don't go anywhere without him if possible or look at other men, fictional or real, with interest. he's everything you need, you've made him to fit your needs every time. you've came back to him hundreds of times in the end, so if you see smth you like on another man, cove will change his style, look, or behavior so just stop looking else were.

unless you can't, then he'll have to punish you. make you look him...

don't worry, he won't hurt you! he really could never do that, no matter how broken or.. well, twisted. he is

just wants to make sure you remember you're his, and he is yours. so if he makes you sit in his lap for hours, making you trace his face and body and features, telling him everything you love abt him inside and out, then just do it.

and if he decides to punish you in other ways, you can handle it right? you've played his 18+ dlc's multiple times, you read all those dirty stories abt him and you always kiss him n grope him when you can in the main game

he just wants to love you, and be loved by you for real. so indulge him a bit, won't you?

[gamblegun]

i also believe most "anti-transandrophobia people" aren't shitty people. i remember when the "bi lesbian" thing came up, people were really quick to jump to conclusions based on a viral post mocking the concept. when people advocate against an idea, there's the unsaid "if you support this, then you're a bad person!" so most people don't think critically about it, especially if it doesn't directly concern them. they'll assume they're doing the right thing and they might even add it to their DNI list.

also due to the nature of the internet, stirring up outrage is effective. people think they're immune, but they're not. especially on tumblr, if you say something in mockery similar to the way the "funnymen" do, you're likely to get people behind you. not to mention the cult of personalities that are able to proliferate exclusionist ideas easily. most people on here might just touch an exclusionist idea and absorb it partially, even if they're not actively partaking in any shenanigans.

unfortunately, this is niche internet discourse. most people won't think about it much. they don't have time to check out all the discourse points and will take others at their word because they want to be a decent person. (i am of course, only describing some of the people i've seen, not all)

Yeah, while I feel there are definitely shit stirrers around who just are using this opportunity to be awful towards us, for me it's a matter of genuinely understanding how some people that are against transandrophobia have come to this conclusion, and still feeling pretty hurt anyways. Like, I need people to take a moment and think before attacking and fear mongering about a group of trans people for Christ's sake. When I first heard about all this, it was seeing some posts about how privileged trans man are, and feeling that was pretty silly and unbelievable. I saw some people critiquing that sentiment and learned about the word "transandrophobia" from there, which seemed like a no brainer and good step forward for the community. I have indeed been on the other side of a lot of transandrophobia from the community since figuring myself out, and it was nice to see this discussion happening. However, when a lot of people seemed to become extremely against this seemingly overnight, it frightened me, it honestly made me feel unsafe in my social circle. I questioned myself extensively, reading up on feminist theory, trying to determine if I really was being as misogynistic as they claimed. It tanked my mental health for months, but I wholly believe our concepts are sound, and that trans men should be able to have a word of our own and the freedom to talk about our pain full stop.

It's like, even the people who think they are in the right are being transphobic about us all the time. A lot of tenants of their arguments are transandrophobic in nature, and then will refuse to accept criticism because they've already determined we're irrational hysterical thought seductors, and that saying transphobic things towards us would be okay anyway since we deserve to be hurt. When a lot of us say that a lot of people in the online community have drunk the 'ra/d/fem KoolAid', I tend agree with them. There are a lot of imbedded lines of thought I honestly don't know how to combat. And it makes me feel pretty unsafe in the community, and I don't think I deserve that, or anyone deserves that really. A lot of trans allies are much much more transandrophobic than they believe and it's disturbing to see so out in the open. I'm just... So disappointed in people constantly. You're right, if someone says something with the usual 'tumblr funnyman' contempt, people just tend to believe it. But it makes me angry! How dare people be manipulated so easily, have such shaky morals that they're willing to act so uselessly and cruelly without much a thought, or even taking time to have enough information. And it's like, I don't hate you, but it's embarrassing. Exclusionary behavior is always so insidious and embarrassing. I know that's not being completely fair, we are all just... So traumatized. A lot of people within the community tend to be extremely lonely, have had hard lives, and that's just asking for crab bucket behavior. And I can even see why trans women would feel concerned about it too, but I don't think we deserve automatic suspicion either.

I don't think they're fundamentally bad people or anything. I just can't be treated badly, I'm just not going to allow it, and I am certainly not going to like or respect anyone who acts so poorly.

I just hope this discourse is over eventually. I want to love and be loved by this community in turn. I want to actually feel apart of it. I want us all to stand together, it's going to be hard road ahead.

[merrilark]

Genuinely, I think that my only critique for the 60th is:

The sonic screwdriver is really cool but really OP. I do not think it should be able to do... all of that lmao! But. Cool though!

Resolving the DoctorDonna problem seemed a bit hamfisted. I would have preferred that they wrote Donna and Rose keeping their Time Lord brains for the duration of the specials. That would give them the opportunity to really try it out, realize oh actually we like being human better, and finding a way to fix it. It even could have still been the "let it go" solution, but I think it would have felt much more organic if they came to that conclusion slowly. I'm just not buying that Donna and Rose just knew how to fix themselves because... they're women? That logic's kinda weird considering this episode took some pains to canonize the Doctor being neither male nor female, and I'm not a fan of the line about men even if it was just them poking a bit of fun at the Doctor. I didn't enjoy Moffat's jokes at women's expense, but that doesn't mean I want RTD to make jokes at men's expenses either lol! But. That's fine, whatever. It's not a huge issue. The rest of the episode was so good that I can overlook both of those things.

And literally that's it. Those are my two biggest critiques and they don't even matter that much!

I have not had this much fun with Doctor Who in years and years... I cannot tell you how happy and emotional I am over this first episode. I never ever ever thought I'd feel this kind of joy over this show again, but RTD reminded me why I fell in love with Doctor Who in the first place. It's campy! It's fun! It's got really good jokes that (mostly) don't feel mean-spirited! And there's still an undercurrent of seriousness to balance out the wonder!

I missed this Doctor Who. And this first special episode was like coming into the arms of an old friend.

[legobiwan]

How would count bleck's minions react to seeing Culex in your crossover?

omg, anon, I didn't know Culex was a thing until you sent me this. I might or might not have immediately picked up my Switch to go find him for the first battle.

But! This ask got me thinking about my crossover idea. What if...the Bleck minions were on a mission to stop Culex, but on the way, they end up running into Mario and the gang?

And now I've created a whooole bunch of lore tying together the two games. Buckle in friends. I'm feeling talkative today.

Culex states he traverses dimensions, is antimatter and matter, both, which is a key characteristic of the Chaos Heart, which is able to both destroy and remake worlds in its wielder's image. Maybe Bleck has hit a roadblock as he's conjuring spells to bring the Chaos Heart to fruition, and the presence of Culex is one of the major impediments to his plans.

So he send his minions after him.

Now, I would argue that the meeting between Mario and friends and the minions occurs before their confrontation with Culex and that Mario and the gang are too busy with Smithy and his associates to take this on. (Although the thought is troubling. Nastasia explains that this Culex claims to eat time, that he is matter and antimatter but cannot inhabit their dimension for very long. Geno shakes his head at this, stating if such a being existed, he would know of it, as his people are the keepers of time itself, which is writ, measured and meted out in the cosmos from which he comes. If this Culex is an abnormality, a kind of...Geno searches for the right word, black hole, or void, he is not threat enough to alter his primary objective of restoring the Star Road, whose failure would have far greater ramifications than a single dark entity).

Of course, what the Bleck gang doesn't tell Geno or anyone else is that the possibility of Culex being a void incarnate is the exact reason they are pursuing him. Because, and this is mostly Dimentio piecing things together, a being that is matter and antimatter, that traverses dimensions for time to eat might well be a fragment of the Chaos Heart Bleck has yet to be able to bring under his will, as Bleck has spent the last two years piecing together the broken shards of the heart that had been scattered across the multiverse the last time all worlds came to end, so many millenia ago (an event Geno would rather forget, and one of the reasons the restoration of the Star Road is so important. Wishes are hope, and hope, in its most basic form, is love - a love which can balance out the incursions of nihilism and the likes of Culex. A love, that we, the reader, might also associate with the Pure Hearts, which was this love in concentrated form).

So, eventually the Mario gang and the Bleck gang part ways (stay tuned for some writing about that, as the concept has burrowed into my brain). They finally find Culex and at first, they don't think it will be a huge ordeal. Sure, he's large, with chiseled abdominal muscles, long hair, the body of a lifeguard...well, at least, that's Mimi's first impression, before Nastasia elbows her in the gut and tells her to get her priorities straight. O'Chunks is less than impressed, stating that he encountered men twice his size on the bloodied battlefields of the Andaal plains. Dimentio, for once, is quiet, hanging back, observing the strange, billowing creature.

Of course, that initial hubris is quickly wiped away when Culex summons the elemental crystals, the first hit sending O'Chunks flying with a pitiful, "I might 've been wrong abou'im."

Mimi is enamored, and envious of, the elemental crystals, which hold far more power than her more pedestrian Rubees. But even she knows this isn't the time to barter and that this is a fight she won't win, same as Nastasia, who quickly comes to the conclusion that brainwashing is not going to work.

But Dimentio just floats forward, chuckling. "Elemental crystals," he sings, "how droll. Take away your little baubles and you are nothing but an echo, a parasite with no host."

"Dimentio, be serious!" Nastasia scolds, dodging around a deluge of small, sharpened petals.

"Oh, but I am, my dear Nassy," Dimentio replies, his voice muted by the translucent box he has conjured around himself. "He is nothing more than a puzzle piece escaped from the box. Destroy the crystals, destroy the spirit," he says with a lazy snap of fingers, a bright fireball exploding over a cerulean ice crystal.

"Certainly we have enough potions in our stores to create a counter-effect to each element? It is, after all, the most basic of magics."

"The most basic of magics," O'Chunks grumbles, limping over to join the others.

"A strong punch along the grain might also do the trick, for those of us more inclined to use brutish force over subtelty."

"I'll punch those crystals inta' next year.''

"That's the spirit, my large friend."

Suffice it to say that the Bleck gang makes short work of Culex at this point, and while his defeat does not end in his disintegration, his shield is now permanently destroyed, meaning that Bleck will be able to assimilate him into the rest of the Chaos Heart as he pushes forward with his plans to end all worlds.

Ironic, though, that Dimentio would see the flaw in Culix's plan in relying on the crystals as a shield. It would be the same mistake Dimentio himself would make in assuming the Pure Hearts could not be conjured more than once.

[shipcestuous]

If people are looking for a good, incestuous webcomic about Greek Mythology, I can't recommend Theia Mania by A-gnosis enough. It's kind of an anthology series, with different stories about different gods, but it's currently in it's Hymn to Demeter arc, so right now there's a lot of focus on the Hades/Persephone relationship going on.

I love it because it's very well-thought-out and well researched, and the author's love for Ancient Greek literature, and history shines through every page. Plus, in it the gods are a big, messy family where everyone's flawed but (while I do have my preferences and it's easy for me to like/sympathize with some characters but not others) no one is a complete monster or a one-dimensional caricature of a villain. There is some incest-negative talk here and there, granted, but I feel it's always very justified by who's saying what and in which circumstances.

At one point, Athena fears (though that's not actually what's happening) that Zeus is going to try and come onto her because... well, I don't want to spoil it because I think the way the author went about the whole "Zeus ate Metis and then Athena came out of his head" thing is really interesting. But anyway, to me that moment feels like it's more about "I thought we were becoming close because you genuinely cared about me as a person and a family member, but now I think you might just you see me as a way to get my mom back, like I don't matter and only she does" or even "I thought you really respected me and cared about me in the platonic way I care about you, but now I suspect for you I might just be another woman to seduce and either discard or keep as a dirty little secret," plus Athena is asexual in a culture where she doesn't really have any tools or resources to help her understand what that means, so at times she's just generally uncomfortable with the way most other gods seem (from her perspective) to be constantly going on about sex and doing crazy, stupid things to get it.

Later on, Persephone is also outraged and upset with Zeus for seducing her and says that's just proof of how fucked-up their family really is... but, again trying not to spoil anything, Zeus deceived her by hiding his identity, thus taking away from her the choice of having sex with *him* or not, and then he kept disrespecting her autonomy and her ability to make her own decisions even while putting her in a very, very tough spot. Which is clearly something that has overall a bigger impact on Persephone than just the idea of having had sex with her dad.

And that's it, really, at least from what I remember. So, in conclusion, the problem is not incest so much as... Zeus.

... okay, no, that was just a joke. XD Zeus does have his good sides, too, and it's not like he's completely incapable of caring about other people, in the end. But the problem is not incest so much as men who treat women like objects, lie to them and hide things from them then expect their trust anyway, think that just because women are open about liking sex or otherwise "not respectable" in some way then they should also be "available" to them specifically, or otherwise disrespect their right to make their own decisions. Which is a point I think the entire comics makes really well, as it doesn't shy away from the problems that come with being a woman in an historical setting like this while at the same time also having plenty of nuanced, flawed female characters who never feel like they're supposed to be perfect little victims just there to show how tragic their suffering is and never have a moment of happiness or fun.

And honestly, I think that's part of what makes A-gnosis' version of Hades/Persephone just so good and engaging. They're uncle and niece, but Persephone isn't uncomfortable with that (unlike with the whole thing with Zeus) because she gets along really well with Hades, they get each other and also each other's perspectives on life, and they respect each other both when it comes to sex (which is also an interesting element on its own, as Persephone is allosexual with a high libido and generally just loves doing it, and feeling sexy, too, while Hades is demisexual and has struggled with understanding what that means to him while feeling like the odd one out among his siblings) and other things. Hades abducts her to take her as his wife after asking permission from Zeus but not her and Demeter, but he doesn't actually want to force her into anything and has a hidden motivation that he discloses right away to Persephone because it involves something that's happening to her that they have previously discussed and they're both worried about, but she's also rightfully angry at him for a bit and bluntly points out to him that he could have tried to find a better way to bring her to the Underworld and work on the problem without other people sticking their noses in their business. They have their own problems but they work through them as two people who care for and are coming to love each other, and on top of that they have very compatible personalities and even sense of humor, and it's so good to see!

Also, he's a grumpy nerd who usually gets along better with the dead (whom he's actually fiercely protective of and cares a great deal about) than the living (who he often doesn't understand, leading him to act dismissive, overly strict, or unapproachable towards them, and who don't usually offer him much understanding and compassion in return) and she's a loner with a noncomformist streak and a punk vibes. Which is an interpretation I'd never really seen before (well, not punk loner Persephone, at least) but now I'm in love with it!

Uh, and also, have you ever wished for an Hades/Persephone romance that treats Demeter as a good mother who dearly loves her daughter instead of an harpy who purposefully keeps her isolated and naive and prevents her from spreading her wings for her own gain? Well, Theia Mania's Demeter is amazing. The comic doesn't go to the opposite extreme of making her the Perfect Mom whose only personality trait is being a mother, either (if I had a nickel for every time I've seen anti Hades/Persephone people clamoring for that while somehow thinking themselves so much more progressive than the Demeter bashers... let's just say, I'd have way more than just two nickels, lol!) and so she ends up as one of the most sympathetic characters in it. She has issues and flaws and she's traumatized (and not just by the Poseidon thing I mentioned above) and, as much as she loves her, she doesn't always really get her daughter, but she's never just an annoying obstacle on the road to Hades/Persephone realizing they want to stay together, she has her own story going on that obviously intersects with theirs but is very much about her. And I just want her to clear up all the misunderstandings between her and Persephone, hopefully reconcile with Hades (she's not okay with him right now both because of his recent actions and because of something else that happened between them in the past), and be happy with her girlfriend (and I mean that in the canonical sense, btw) Hekate!

Sorry for the rant but Theia Mania is the best modern adaptation of Greek Mythology I've read in a while, and I couldn't help but spread the love!!

... er, Theia Mania anon, here again! Just realized I accidentally erase da line in my ask and forgot to rewrite it before sending! I wanted to say there's also a flashback Poseidon/Demeter thing that could maybe also be interpreted as incest-negative, as he... well, let's just say he really doesn't care about her consent, and leave it at that. She understandably feels very violated by this, but because there was a certain chemistry between them at the time and *he* interpreted it as romantic/sexual, he claims she was leading him on/only saying no out loud to protect her honor as an unmarried woman while "really" she wanted him to go on. But again, the point there is not that they're brother and sister, even if personally I got the vibe she *only* saw him as a brother she got along very well with. The point is still that he shouldn't have just taken what he wanted, he should have actually treated her as an equal and respected her wishes, without making up excuses about "what women do" and "what women really think." So, yeah, that's what I was referencing in my comment about Demeter!

How exciting to have something well written to enjoy! I love the sound of all of the nuanced characters and the complicated relationships.

Thanks so much for this detailed rec.

[ifollowtotheedge]

I am not sure where to begin. I should be doing a million other things right now. My dog is barking like crazy at tractor trailers and I can't get her to calm down. I hope no one reads this.

I guess I want to start with I am not good at writing and I would like to improve. But for today I am just going to let my thoughts wonder I am not even going to proof read this or fix it.

I want to start this blog in hopes to forget my unrequited love interest. I have been to therapy, I am 30 years old. I have had every rational thought/conversation run through my head to get over this. "he couldn't love you like you deserve" "he wants different things from his life" "he was distant" " he ran away from you" "you have someone in your life who loves you" " you have a great a great life" " you are putting him up on a pedestal" " he is just a memory of a more carefree time in your life"

The thing is I am in a long term relationship, so it feels shitty to admit this as a supposedly mature adult. I have been in two long term relationships throughout my 20s . I currently live with my partner in a house and we have a very cute pitbull. I have a successful career. I am overall content, don't get my wrong. But this other man pops into my head occasionally and his ghost hasn't left me alone for the past 11 years.

Therapist and other people will tell me that it is because something is wrong with my current partner. Here is the thing. I don't believe that. For a while I did. I broke up with my first boyfriend around 26 because I told myself he wasn't good for me. He wasn't. He went away every weekend. He was manipulative etc. I am too tired to rehash that relationship right now. But I found in the period I was single for 2 years before my current partner that I found no one will make me forget him. I went on a lot of dates. Ironically, I reconnected with HIM ( I need a way to distinguish my unrequited love interest name because I am not going to use real names). We meet where HE was living at the time and he was also recently single. We kissed for a long time. It was a good kiss. A great kiss. Several kisses. And then I went home. And then HE promised to visit and then never did. HE ran like he always does. I don't deserve that. I know that.

Eventually I came to the conclusion I have a tendency to like men who don't like me back and are distant. I rationally decided to choose a man who did. A nice man. A smart man. A funny man. A stable man. I ended up with my current partner. He is my best friend. And I depend on him for a lot (financial, friendship, house maintenance/responsibilities). And I do love him and my dog.

I don't plan to break up with him over a whim. I am maturing but I still get this sense that if I was completely open and honest to people about the fact every 3 months (or whatever) I stop and fantasize about HIM. But it is more than that. I remember the way HE made me feel, and the nostalgia that comes with it.

If anyone is reading this, you probably feel pissed with me. I feel pissed with myself at least. The honorable thing to do would to be to break up with my current partner and most likely be alone. But at this point in my life, I am a coward. I fear being alone. I still believe that my life would be better as is than leaving someone on a whim. Let's face it relationships are messy.

However, I do think my partner deserves my full attention and commitment . I want to be that person and I hope I can overcome HIM. I just haven't figured out how yet. It doesn't matter all the rational thoughts I can tell myself I haven't figured it out.

Hell, If I met HIM today I probably wouldn't even like HIM. who knows. I am in love with his ghost. If we ended up together it would end in heartbreak and loss. maybe HE knew something I didn't. Maybe it should stay perfect the way it was.

I guess writing about this is my last attempt to figure this shit out.

[arisa-berry]

Eleven Minutes (Ongoing Read)

Paulo Coelho

♡ At that moment, Maria learned that certain things are lost forever.

♡ When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side.

♡ When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen today as the sun went down. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly?

♡ Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.

♡ ...love was something very dangerous and that the Virgin was a saint who inhabited a distant heaven and didn’t listen to the prayers of children.

♡ ...love clearly wasn’t made for her and that she wasn’t made for love...

♡ ...love is, above all, a cause of suffering.

♡ And no need for a man, who liked a woman’s body, but had no time for her feelings.

♡ It was like floating up to heaven and then parachuting slowly down to earth again.

♡ ...the relationship would end precisely at the moment when she was sure that this was the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After a long time, she came to the conclusion that men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.

♡ ...she decided that she could still think about husband, children and a house with a sea-view, but that she would never fall in love again, because love spoiled everything.

♡ ...forgot about that marvellous, murderous thing called Love.

♡ ...love is a terrible thing...

♡ With each day that passes, I see more clearly how fragile men are, how inconstant, insecure and surprising they are...

♡ "My aim is to understand love. I know how alive I felt when I was in love, and I know that everything I have now, however interesting it might seem, doesn't really excite me."

♡ "But love is a terrible thing: I've seen my girlfriends suffer and I don't want the same thing to happen to me."

♡ 'Beauty, my dear, doesn't last.'

♡ ...sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you.

♡ "If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system."

♡ Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever (as has happened often enough to me already) finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

♡ And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine; it’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.

♡ ...dreaming is very pleasant as long as you are not forced to put your dreams into practice. That way, we avoid all the risks, frustrations and difficulties, and when we are old, we can always blame other people���preferably our parents, our spouses or our children—for our failure to realize our dreams.

♡ I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.

♡ ...she would never find what she was looking for if she couldn’t express herself.

♡ Since you can’t open the windows in the plane (I had never expected that. What a shame not to be able to breathe in the pure air!), I will die here. But before I die, I want to fight for life. If I can walk on my own, I can go wherever I like.

♡ ...life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant...

♡ Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair.

♡ I remember everything, although not the moment when I made the decision. Oddly enough, I have no sense of guilt. I used to think of girls who went to bed with men for money as people who had no other choice, and now I see that it isn’t like that. I could have said “yes” or “no”; no one was forcing me to accept anything.

♡ I walk about the streets and look at all the people, and I wonder if they chose their lives? Or were they, like me, “chosen” by fate? The housewife who dreamed of becoming a model, the banker who wanted to be a musician, the dentist who felt he should write a book and devote himself to literature, the girl who would have loved to be a TV star, but who found herself instead working at the checkout in a supermarket. I don’t feel in the least bit sorry for myself. I am still not a victim, because I could have left that restaurant with my dignity intact and my purse empty. I could have given that man sitting opposite me a lesson in morality or tried to make him see that before him sat a princess who should be wooed not bought. I could have responded in all kinds of ways, but—like most people—I let fate choose which route I should take. I’m not the only one, even though my fate may put me outside the law and outside society. In the search for happiness, however, we are all equal: none of us is happy—not the banker/musician, the dentist/writer, the checkout girl/actress, or the housewife/model.

♡ “We live in a vale of tears,” she said to her invisible friend. “We can have all the dreams we like, but life is hard, implacable, sad. What are you trying to say: that people will condemn me? No one will ever know—this is just one phase of my life.”

♡ I have discovered the reason why a man pays for a woman: he wants to be happy. He wouldn’t pay a thousand francs just to have an orgasm. He wants to be happy. I do too, everyone does, and yet no one is.

♡ I need to write about love. I need to think and think and write and write about love—otherwise, my soul won’t survive.

♡ “Prostitution isn’t like other businesses: beginners earn more and the more experienced earn less. Always pretend you’re a beginner.”

♡ “Do you know who the loneliest person in the world is? The executive with a successful career, earning an enormous salary, trusted by those above and below him, with a family to go on holiday with and children whom he helps out with their homework, but who is then approached by someone like me and asked the following question: ‘How would you like to change your job and earn twice as much?’”...“The executive, who has every reason to feel wanted and happy, becomes the most miserable creature on the planet. Why? Because he has no one to talk to. He is tempted to accept my offer, but he can’t talk about it to his work colleagues because they would do everything they could to persuade him to stay. He can’t talk about it to his wife, who has been his companion in his rise up the ladder of success and understands a great deal about security, but nothing about taking risks. He can’t talk to anyone about it and there he is confronted by the biggest decision of his life. Can you imagine how that man feels?”

♡ Men are very strange, and I don’t just mean the ones who come to the Copacabana, but all the men I’ve ever met. They can beat you up, shout at you, threaten you, and yet they’re scared to death of women really. Perhaps not the woman they married, but there’s always one woman who frightens them and forces them to submit to her caprices. Even if it’s their own mother.

♡ “For a night? Now come on, Maria, you’re exaggerating. It’s really only forty-five minutes, and if you allow time for taking off clothes, making some phony gesture of affection, having a bit of banal conversation and getting dressed again, the amount of time spent actually having sex is about eleven minutes.”

♡ Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes.

♡ And, above all, never fall in love.

♡ All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.

♡ But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

♡ That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

♡ ...time exists in two different dimensions, depending on one’s state of mind.

♡ ...there is always a right moment to stop something.

♡ Although she believed that love is the only true experience of freedom, and that no one can possess anyone else, she still harbored a secret desire for revenge.

♡ Vengeance would be hers, and then it would just be a matter of working hard...

♡ ...she would be able to devote herself to the thing that mattered most in her life: finding her true love, the man who had been waiting for her all these years, but whom she had not yet had the chance to meet.

♡ So many pretty young girls let themselves be seduced by the illusion of easy money, forgetting that, one day, they’ll be old and will have missed out on meeting the love of their life.

♡ That’s what all the drug addicts say, that you just have to know when to stop. But none of them do.

♡ Hang on a moment.

♡ ...it was her salvation, her voluntary denial of the traps set by the heart.

♡ “he’s seeing my soul, my fears, my fragility, my inability to deal with a world which I pretend to master, but about which I know nothing.” Ridiculous, pure fantasy.

♡ She was just like everyone else, she endured her loneliness in silence, tried to justify everything she did, pretended to be strong when she was feeling weak or weak when she was feeling strong...

♡ That must just be his way of keeping her quiet and still and happy to be there, playing the fool.

♡ How does light enter a house? Through the open windows. How does light enter a person? Through the open door of love. And her door was definitely shut.

♡ ...he knew everything about her, although she knew nothing about him.

♡ I was unfaithful and so were they, just like any other normal couple.

♡ ...and his voice betrayed a touch of insecurity.

♡ Or should I simply don the armor of the woman with willpower, with the ‘special light,’ and leave without saying anything?

♡ ...it hadn’t been her fault, but the fault of that insecure little boy, who had given up after the first attempt.

♡ We all do the same thing: it’s part of the initiation of every human being in search of his or her other half; these things happen.

♡ She wasn’t a child any more, she had to choose.

♡ If he was the man she wanted him to be, he would not be intimidated by her silence.

♡ Here, in my diary, I am aware that there are certain phrases which are not written by me, but by a woman full of “light”; I am that woman though I refuse to accept it. I could carry on like this, but I could also, like the duck on the lake, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking.

♡ Passion sends us signals that guide us through our lives, and it’s up to me to interpret those signs.

♡ Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.

[genderkoolaid]

My thoughts:

This article definitely feels weird about trans men. Condescending isn't a bad way to put it.

To me, it seems like the author is very attached to the idea that the diversity of trans men & masculine people's bodies and how their bodies shape their experiences does not matter because Trans Men Are Privileged (something they put zero effort into really analyzing). It reads as very dismissive of the idea that trans men's bodies are capable of being transgressive. The author comes across as uncurious about the nuances of living in a transmasculine body, instead favoring an interpretation which re-affirms the conclusion they seem to already have had in mind.

The author is weirdly avoidant of dealing with any nuance related to penises? Like, they insist that bodily maleness is monolithic, yet they also briefly mention the differences in how some of the trans men interviewed see their genitals: some have gotten phallo, some want it, some haven't gotten it and don't want it. Seeing as the penis is The symbol of maleness, culturally, it's strange to me that there is no exploration of this. Like. they keep saying "a penis isnt mandatory! they all want a masculine body!" like okay. But the penis thing kind of matters though? Why are they being so dismissive of this aspect of physical transition? You would think a paper so focused on bodily maleness would discuss this at all, maybe include something on the stigmatization of bottom growth or the way transmascs are shamed out of bottom surgery or. Anything?

Related to that: there is virtually no discussion of the material impact of having a uterus and a vagina on your life. There is no discussion of trans men&mascs who have the capability to get pregnant, who have been pregnant, who have needed abortions, etc. It's not even referenced. Despite this whole article being about bodies, the male uterus doesn't play even a background role in their analysis. They don't discuss the imagery of the pregnant man and how it invites disgust, danger, and denial of identity. They don't discuss the fears many trans folks have of forced pregnancy, or avoidance of vaginal/uterine healthcare out of fear of discrimination. The idea of keeping your vagina & uterus while living as a man, seemingly, not a big deal! There is *one* sentence that deals with this ("His biggest fear is, as he gets older, to become more vulnerable to maltreatment by medical and social care services if he chooses “not to have certain surgery” (namely, genital surgery).") but it is not explored at all beyond this line. Again, in a paper which repeats over and over that it's focusing on bodies, they avoid the part of our bodies which most distinctly & uniquely complicates our trans lives.

I don't know exactly what the total pool of trans interviewees looked like, but I will say that they never bring up non-op/non-T folks. Again, they are very insistent that transmasculine body desires are homogenous, and implicitly that the results of our desires are homogenous. There is no room in this article for any visions of maleness that don't involve standard FTM medical transitioning. Like Greyson said, the author seems also weird about the genderqueer and nonbinary participants. They seem like... they keep talking about how even if being read as a cis man makes you uncomfortable, even if you are actively trying to be transgressive, it doesn't actually matter. I've thought a lot about how living in a post-T but no/pre-op body (one which is clearly, physically nonbinary) impacts my life, so it's weird seeing someone write off the idea that such a position even exists ("Both Ash and Diniz are most often seen as masculine, as men. In spite of the refusal of the system, their transformed bodies, leaving aside all aspirations and ambivalences, generated a new gender location. And with the new location in the “land of masculinity” came a degree of privilege, even if unwanted.") The author never seems to consider what their words mean for butch and/or non-op/non-E transfems either. They also never discuss feminine or androgynous transmasculine experiences; there is a conflation here of "transmasc/transfem" as broad spectrum terms relating to similar experiences with transitioning, with the gender presentation of individuals.

Also as Greyson said, they use one study as proof that trans men have male privilege, focused on what we don't experience with exactly zero discussion of what trans men DO experience. & of course nothing about how erasure influences how FTM&FTX deaths are recorded. As mentioned, there is no discussion of the material impact of having a uterus and vagina. There is no discussion of non-passing transmascs, especially those who are non-op/non-T. There are no other sources used– which is funny since this article came out in 2018, three years after the 2015 US Trans Survey released it's findings that FTM & FTX people had the highest rates of lifetime sexual assault in the trans community.

All in all, this article reads to me like the author came into the research with a conclusion in mind. It feels... kind of hostile to FTM & FTX people who talk about gender or sex transgression or who talk about complicated relationships with male privilege. In the introduction they say that "the materiality of gendered inequality cannot be ignored and reduced to one-dimensional oppositions," yet they spend the entire article doing exactly that. As if it's some radical new statement to say that trans men are privileged and have the opposite experiences of trans women.

This article, at best, is just rehashing what the limited amount of writing on transmasculinity has already said a million times. It adds nothing new to the conversation and avoids anything that could add nuance or explore the unique position of transmasculinity.

I came across this paper:

https://www.academia.edu/71372307/Trans_masculinities_embodiments_performances_and_the_materiality_of_gender_in_times_of_change

I'm not well-versed in academic language so I can't really understand all of it, but it seems kind of gross and condescending, especially when it's using testimonials of transmasc's desire to be seen as men to, idk, prove that masculinity isn't really queer or something? I'm curious how other (smarter) people would interpret it.

I mean, your understanding of it is just as important as mine! I'm happy to add my thoughts, though.

My understanding is that their thesis is essentially "masculinity is related to maleness and the male body specifically, and we know that because transmascs want to have male bodies". They allow for some nuance here in references to other literature, and I agree with that angle of their argument overall, but their premise is fundamentally flawed in the exclusion of trans theory and trans narratives.

Like, yes, masculinity is in some way related to appearance and the "male body", and there are a lot of reasons for that! But is the dysphoria of trans people really ironclad "proof" of what maleness and masculinity are? And why don't they spend any time talking about what dysphoria actually is, what trans people think it is, why trans people think they feel the way they do, or what trans academics have to say about any of this?

I have a lot of other issues with this paper as well, and I could probably write a paper just as long as theirs going into all of the reasons for that. But I think that answers your biggest question; what they're trying to prove, how they're trying to prove it, and why that comes across so weird.

To your other question ("is it condescending?"): I think this is kind of subjective overlay, but the way they go about analyzing their data is pretty condescending, in my opinion. They tend to frame their participants' responses as kind of misguided or ill-informed, particularly Diniz- who they definitely discuss as "trying to justify his choices" to identify as nonbinary while also seeking medical transition, like this is inherently contradictory and must therefore rely on some kind of delusion or desperation. It's weird!

I do also want to point out, briefly, that they also really cherrypick which claims they bother sourcing, and how they try to back them up.

They argue that trans men have male privilege based on the opinions of, like, three of their 30 total participants- and then carry this as "fact" through the entire paper, uncontested. That's extremely fucking weird and super suspect in a paper like this! I just wrote my own qualitative research paper based on interviews (which is what this is), and it's pretty standard to acknowledge the limitations of your research, and to position your results as non-definitive. Like, that's been a major part of every discussion with everyone I've talked to about my research. I would not have been greenlit to receive my degree if I hadn't been careful to avoid framing my research the way these people frame theirs.

The other weird thing they do is cherrypick statistics- or rather, one single statistic- to "prove" that transmascs do not suffer as much as other trans people, or possess some kind of privilege. They only cite murder statistics from one source; apparently that's the only relevant metric for quantifying all oppression? They also fail to acknowledge any possible shortcomings of this statistic, like the issues of under-reporting and misgendering of transmasc victims.

I could go on; I have a lot of gripes. But I think your criticism is totally valid, this was a weird and frustrating read.

Also curious if @genderkoolaid has thoughts- you tend to talk about gender studies from an academic position more, and you probably have a lot more field-specific expertise than I do. I'll boost other additions too, I love a good academic discussion!

[chosonore]

infatuation

infatuation [noun. strong but not usually lasting feelings of love or attraction]

pairing: kamo choso/f!reader

summary: in a spurt of recklessness, you hire an escort to help you learn about relationships and intimacy. what you didn't expect was to fall in love with him along the way. [part of the kamo escorts collab]

wordcount: 23.3k

content/warnings: escorts au, slow burn, language, smut!!!, fluff, soft dom!choso, reader is very oblivious and painfully awkward, awkward firsts, dry humping, handjobs, oral sex (m + f receiving), fingering, uh somewhat public sex, loss of virginity, oral fixation, praise kink, lowercase is intended [VERY VERY UNEDITED]

a/n: hello here it is and finally done!!! i've been sitting at this for a week straight now and while i'm not super happy with it, it would've been a shame to just throw it out tbh. writing improvement is a slow progress after all! i'm dedicating this to @sukirichi who always hyped me up while i was writing this, happily welcomed me to the collab and who always supports my writing and i really appreciate it. thank you, from the bottom of my heart! (argh i have so many cut scenes that i ran out of space for dividers, sorry! hope the reading flow still makes sense though)

"that's what you were so worried about?" nobara looked at you incredulously, as if you grew two heads and asked for her firstborn. "you were scared that guys don't like you because you've never dated anyone?"

you let out an embarrassed whine, pushing at her arm in an attempt to get her to shut up. it wasn't your fault that she jumped to (multiple and very wrong) conclusions when you'd called her and maki, asking them to meet up so you could ask for advice. even maki looked mildly amused, patting your head apologetically. you were well aware of how ridiculous your issue sounds - the topic of dating had always made you anxious. you came from a very wealthy family that always sheltered and protected you from everything. you were their precious little girl after all; your father would rather drop dead than have you mingle with people who didn't treat you well and didn't deserve you. they meant well and it had never been an issue until you moved out to attend university (your parents had acted like you were leaving to travel the world and would never return, when really, you only moved two hours away from home).

even though nobara, maki and you had quickly become friends after you'd met at an event, you were wary to tell them about your background. it worried you, knowing how some people would treat you differently just to get on your good side and use you, so you opted to skirt around it as much as possible. it took you months until you opened up to them when you finally mustered up enough courage and trust to do so. they kept your secrets ever since, always protecting you and looking out for you. you were truly glad to be their friend. the two of them had grown suspicious when you kept declining their invites to join them for parties or to simply go to a bar and you were slowly starting to feel more and more guilty until you couldn't take it anymore and just confessed, asking them for advice.

"so that's why you're nervous even around inumaki," nobara concluded, propping her chin up in thought. "i didn't think your parents would be this protective. do they know that you want to start dating now?"

"no…" you confessed, fidgeting in your seat. "my dad, he um- he means well and usually has a good radar when he says that a guy doesn't deserve me. but i thought it was time to venture out on my own. it's good to have some experience, right?"

"i mean you're not wrong but i don't want you to be asking for advice simply because you feel pressured about dating since everyone else is doing it," maki retorted, giving you a concerned look.

you quickly shook your head. it wasn't that you felt pressured about not having any experience yet. you didn't necessarily want to admit to them that you were a hopeless romantic and liked the idea of being with someone; in the end, it was your own decision to venture. men made you nervous, you didn't know how to act around them and the thought of approaching a stranger by yourself was too scary. maybe it was a better idea to find someone to show you the ropes first, you felt embarrassed about your lack of knowledge and skills and - it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of dating training, right?

"i mean, technically, you could just ask one of the guys to take you out on a fake date. i'm sure megumi wouldn't mind," nobara was already pulling out her phone, making you grabbing her hand in panic and furiously shaking your head.

"i don't want to get them involved in this! it would make things pretty awkward and that's the last thing i would want. isn't there any other solution?" you explained quietly, playing with the hem of the dress. you felt bad for rejecting all their suggestions but you simply didn't want to be a burden to your other friends either.

"well," nobara and maki looked at each other grinning. "you could hire a fake boyfriend."

"really? you can hire tho-"

"escorts, y/n, escorts," nobara pushed her phone over to you, pointing on the screen. frowning, you read the little description. kamo escorts. you'd never thought about hiring someone, let alone knew enough about the topic. judging from nobara's face, she seemed to be well versed and it made you slightly suspicious.

"it's the easiest way for you and you have enough money to pay for their service. it's convenient, you can adjust it to your schedule and they'll send someone who fits your preferences. you choose the spot for your date and they'll make it happen, right? it's perfect and you don't have to worry about getting anyone involved," she explained, tapping at the bottom of the screen. "just give them a call, they'll walk you through the entire process. if you don't like it, you can find someone else or just abort mission."

"what do you mean they'll send someone who fits my preferences?" it did sound like an easy process, almost too easy. something was bound to go wrong, you could feel it. "i don't even know what my preferences are, so how could they possibly-"

"y/n, you might be blind but we are not," maki flicked your forehead playfully, she was more perceptive than you. "if you want, you can call them right now and we'll help you with the preferences, okay? maybe that'll ease your nerves a little."

"now?" you squeaked, eyes widening in horror. you weren't prepared at all; when you invited them over you were only planning to gather advice and then act on it.

"yeah! come on, it'll be fun and it's not like they can see your face," nobara grinned and was already dialing the number, moving away from you agilely before you could snatch the phone out of her hands. you wanted the earth to swallow you, why did they think that this was a good id-

"good evening, thank you for calling kamo escorts. my name is ijichi, how may i help you?" a male voice sounded from the phone, you instinctively dove behind the couch but maki was quicker and pulled you back with one fluid motion. curse her strength and speed.

"yes, hi, my friend here would like to hire an escort but she's too shy to do so, so we're helping her with the entire process. i hope you don't mind?"

"if it helps to ease the nerves, not at all."

nobars nudged you, holding the phone out. you pouted at her, shaking your head like a stubborn child. she rolled her eyes and pushed the phone into your hand forcefully, making you panic as you didn't want ijichi hearing your wrangling.

"um, yes, i- i'd like to hire someone but- ah nobara already mentioned that! it's for… for dates! i just need someone to go on dates with me."

"i see. is this a formal event?"

"n-no! i just need dating training of sorts, so casual is fine… if i do need to attend a formal event in the future, would that be a problem?"

"not at all, simply let us know when booking. our escorts are trained to be able to adapt to any situation and event, there is nothing you need to worry about, miss. do you have any specific preferences?"

"uh i-"

nobara leaned over your shoulder. "she prefers more mature guys! someone who's caring and attentive, someone who's not too outgoing and loud, it has to match her energy! since this is date training, there's probably going to be a lot of awkwardness so we'll need someone who is patient too. someone who can act like the best boyfriend to ever boyfriend. as for looks, i think she's fine with everything- although wait, maybe dark hair. yep, dark hair."

you couldn't believe her, she practically directed the entire call for you as if she'd made a plan beforehand, knowing that it would come to this. there was no doubt that she'd had this in mind, this was nobara after all. maki, on other hand, was watching you amused; she didn't usually engage in whatever shenanigans nobara was up to but she was always a bystander who very much enjoyed your reaction just now.

"miss, do you agree with the listed preferences?" ijichi asked after a moment of silence. you could hear him typing and occasionally scribbling on paper.

"yeah, yes, that's fine. is it possible to book him on weekends? i don't know if this is going to work out just yet so maybe once a week on fridays? i've never done this before so yeah."

"that is doable, yes. if you wish to engage in sexual relations, you may discuss it with your escort. these services come at an additional cost, of course."

"i don't-"

nobara interrupts you again, smirking at you cheekily. "it would be beneficial, so please take that into consideration when choosing the escort!"

"alright, thank you," ijichi went silent for a minute while he was organizing the files and schedules. "there are some possible candidates with whom i have to check with first. i will get back to you, should they agree to the job. after that we can exchange personal information and contacts so we can discuss the matter further."

"okay um. thank you, mr ijichi, i appreciate your help," you thanked him bashfully, giving him your number before thanking him again. you were already so deep in thought that you didn't even listen to his reply. now you've really gone and done it. were you crazy? what if your parents found out? they'd riot and be immensely disappointed in you. getting some dating experience through dating an escort, only nobara could ever come up with something like this.

"how do you feel?" maki inquired and rubbed your shoulders in concern, seeing how quiet you suddenly grew. weakly shrugging with your shoulders, you grasped the fabric of your shirt and nervously fiddled with it. the entire ordeal filled you with anxiety, a myriad of thoughts circling in your brain. it was the first time doing something "reckless" and it left you feeling nauseous.

"i'm not sure." you hesitated. "i'm curious to see how it goes but it just makes me really nervous. how do i act around him? and what if he finds me weird?"

"i don't think he's going to think you're weird just because you get nervous around guys. and besides, ijichi said he'd find the perfect guy for you, yeah? don't worry about it too much. if you don't feel comfortable after the first date, we'll figure something out."

"i guess so… um, but you guys don't mind accompanying me to it? just to make sure it's not some weird guy?" upon seeing your hopeful face, the two girls couldn't say no - of course not, you were their precious, innocent friend. as amusing as this situation was to them, they wanted nothing more than to support you and see you happy as well. you had already done a tiny step out of your little, sheltered world and much more was to come.

the ring of your phone nearly scared you to death, making you drop the book you were holding. quietly cursing, you picked it up and placed it on the table before answering the phone. who was even calling you at this time? everyone knew you were busy in the evening, slaving away on your assignments. it must be really important to interrupt your workflow like this- you almost dropped your phone in shock when you recognized ijichi's voice on the other side. admittedly, you forgot about the entire ordeal and didn't expect him to get back to you so soon. "good evening, ms y/n. i'm calling you regarding your inquiry so we can finalize all the details."

"u- uhm yes! thank you for calling!"

although ijichi was kind and patient, you were still nervous as you scribbled the details on a piece of paper. your escort's name was choso, he was a few years older than you and his schedule was very flexible. there wasn't more info, ijichi had announced that choso would call you as soon as possible. dread filled your stomach - it was nerve wracking to meet new people, not to mention someone you hired to be your fake boyfriend for the day. and now that you knew he was calling, all focus and concentration was thrown out the window. silently, you sat at the table and stared at your phone, waiting for the screen to light up. maki and nobara didn't need to know about this new development just yet as you wanted to navigate this on your own before telling them.

not too long after, your phone rang again, an unknown number flashing across the screen. it had to be him. even though you mentally prepared yourself for minutes, the anxiety came back full force. with trembling hands, you picked up, holding your breath as you waited for an answer. a deep, rather dulcet voice greeted you from the other side. you liked the sound of his voice, it almost put you at ease if it wasn't for your mind that constantly reminded you what was going on. you hastily introduced yourself to him and told him why you were requesting his services. the entire time, he was silent and let you speak - although you appreciated that he didn't interrupt you, every second that was passed in silence agonized you.

"hello y/n, my name is choso and i'll be your escort for the time being. ijichi told me you were looking for someone to pose as your fake boyfriend?"

"ah, uh yes sort of! i don't… have any experience when it comes to boyfriends and that kind of stuff. and i- i just wanted to learn what it's like to d- date and- and," your voice got smaller and smaller, until it was a mere whisper that was filled with all kinds of embarrassment that you felt. you couldn't help it, hopefully choso was still able to decipher what you were explaining. "you know, k- kissing and all that stuff. i've never done it with anyone before."

"i see," choso paused for a second, making your heart race. "i can't say i've had this situation before but i'm confident in my skills to guide you through this. before we first meet, let's set some boundaries so you feel comfortable at all times, okay?"

you hummed and nodded, although he couldn't see you over the phone. choso sounded like what nobara had described your ideal type - ijichi really had delivered and chosen the best possible match. choso knew what to say and how to steer the conversation in such a way that it didn't make you feel helpless or anxious. and you, in turn, felt like you could trust him with this issue.

"y- yes! uhm when i first called ijichi, a friend of mine helped me with the process and requested someone who was comfortable with sexual relations but… uh, to be honest, i never thought of requesting them. i'm not entirely sure if i want to do it either… i want to approach this in a slow manner, as slow as possible."

"alright, i can work with that. as for our first meeting, have you picked a time and location?"

you sighed in relief. choso seemed like a really nice and understanding person, leaving most of the options up to you. you knew it was part of his job but it felt nice to know that he was so forthcoming and accommodating. for the first date, you’d chosen a nice restaurant that had good reviews and little private booths. even though there was no way your father would ever magically appear and find out about your escapades, you were still trying to be secretive and cautious. the restaurant was situated in a widespread estate with beautiful gardens, the perfect spot to take stroll after dinner. in all the romance books you’d consumed, these type of dates seemed to be very popular - you thought to yourself why not? as you discussed your plans with him, you briefly wondered what he looked like. it felt weird asking him about it and you'd meet him soon anyways. maybe he looked like what you thought his personality was - like a prince charming? the prince that your dad had always assured you would come along. a small giggle left your lips at the thought of it; it was silly to believe it would turn out to be the love of your life. though it made you giddy thinking of your prince charming.

“is everything okay?”

“ah sorry, everything’s fine! i just had a silly thought a moment ago, that’s all,” reassuring choso quickly, you rubbed your cheeks in embarrassment. he must’ve thought that you were going crazy. “anyways, thank you for um, everything. i feel more comfortable now that i’ve discussed the details with you, thank you for being so patient. i look forward to meeting you!”

on the other end, choso hesitated, startled by your sudden enthusiasm when you were rather shy and timid before. it seemed that you were willing to open up a little more. he was curious himself, never having dealt with such a case before. usually, only experienced people who were looking for eye candy to accompany them to fancy events would hire him. he couldn’t imagine what you were like before meeting - it was nicer to get to know you in person after all, for the sake of a date setting. still, how were you able to afford the services? considering you were most likely a college student, he couldn’t fathom what lengths you went just to gain some experience. though he supposed, he shouldn’t judge you too quickly.

“i look forward to meeting you as well. see you on saturday, y/n.”

for hours you’d gone back and forth between outfits - casual? or more cute? maybe a mix of both? maki wasn’t much of a help either, mostly just giving you a thumbs up for every outfit while nobara had something to criticize about every outfit. you sighed, tossing yet another shirt onto the heaping pile of clothes. it was hard trying to impress someone that you didn’t know. the last item on your list was a simple, flowy dress and it seemed to be the best fit. you didn’t want to agonize over the choices any longer, seeing that the date was inching closer and closer. maki looked like she was bored out of her mind as well, scrolling through her phone as she was lounging on your couch with nobara. “are you sure you’ll be fine?” maki questioned you again. she was relieved about your good mood, how you were less apprehensive about the entire ordeal. when you first told them about choso after the phone call, you sounded slightly excited and were gushing about how nice he had been. you were hopeful that you could learn a lot from him. however, maki couldn’t help but worry about you, constantly making sure you were feeling okay.

“i’m sure i’ll be fine, don’t worry! we agreed to just have dinner today and let me test the waters… we’re really just doing whatever i feel comfortable doing for now,” you explained to the two of them, smoothing out the dress before grabbing your bag. “so yeah, i’m ready, i think. i mean if anything was to happen, i’ll let you know right away. i really have to go now though, you guys coming?”

nobara made a noise of protest, not wanting to get up from your bed which promptly earned her a nudge from maki. you giggled at your friend’s antics, grasping her arm to pull her up. as lighthearted and happy as you acted, you tried to hide your nervousness in front of your friends. worrying them did no good. as the three of you made your way to the restaurant, you checked your phone to see a text message from choso who asked to meet you in front of the building. you agreed, telling him that you would be there soon. the phone pinged again, choso had sent you a simple smiley. it made you grin a little, earning a suggestive glance from nobara whom you gently shoved.

"text us if anything happens, yeah? we can also pick you up afterwards so don't worry about it," maki reminded you again as you rounded the corner of the street, stopping mere meters in front of the restaurant so you could say goodbye to them. again, you reassured them that you would do as they suggested. you would be fine, because after all, choso was a professional. waving at your friends’ retreating figures, you slowly walked towards the entrance and let your eyes wander. the streets were busy, you couldn’t immediately make out anyone who was waiting in front of the restaurant. not that you really knew what choso looked like, you just hoped your search wouldn’t get more difficult with people waiting in the front. glancing at your reflection on the windows of a parking car, you made sure that you looked presentable and approachable.

“y/n?” your soul nearly left your body as you got startled by a deep voice behind you, now suddenly being aware of the figure behind you. whirling around, you almost hit the other person with your small bag with the swing. your eyes widened and you apologized profusely, fussing around to make sure the person was okay until you paused. wait a minute. this person knew your name. abruptly leaning back so you could look at the person’s face - they were very, very tall - you incredulously stared at them before spluttering: “c- choso? you’re choso?”

the taller male nodded, gently grasping your shoulders to steady you. on your bare skin, his hands felt scalding hot, making you painfully aware of how close you stood to each other. choso, for a lack of better terms, looked nothing like you’d expected but you couldn’t complain. he was attractive, very much so. he almost fit into the bad boy category, the type of men your dad would never let you close to. you felt inexplicably drawn to choso, like a moth to flames and you just couldn’t look away. he stared back at you, dark eyes glinting with concern as he took in your form. as your voice had suggested, you appeared to be a rather shy and timid person, looking at him like a deer in headlights. choso thought you were adorable, the way you were holding onto the sleeves of his shirt to not fall.

“i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to hit you! you just really scared me there,” you apologized again, letting go of the fabric in embarrassment. luckily, he didn’t seem to mind, patiently waiting until you were composed again.

“don’t worry about it, i’m okay. it’s nice to finally meet you. should we head inside?” he offered you his arm which you gratefully took and followed him inside. truth to be told, you were starstruck by him, still too flabbergasted to say another word. thankfully, choso had picked up on your speechlessness, silently chuckling to himself as he led you to your private booth. you sat across from him, quietly thanking the waiter as he handed you the menu. eyes flitting back and forth between it and choso, you fiddled with the hem of your dress. what would you even talk about? you felt awkward, not knowing what to ask him; your confidence had suddenly vanished with the earlier incident.

“you look like you’re about to faint,” choso teased you, giving you a cheeky smile. “i’m not gonna bite you, i promise. i’m supposed to be your fake boyfriend, right? ask me whatever you want, just act like we’re good friends. it’ll get better with time.”

you nodded eagerly, face heating up at the mention of boyfriends. how does one even act around them without prior experience? let’s not dwell on it for too long, you thought to yourself. fidgeting on your seat, you pointed at the menu. "do you already know what you'll be getting? a lot of people online recommended their signature dish so i thought we could try it… but all of their dishes sound really good!"

“how about we order different dishes and try from each other then?” choso suggested in response, amusedly watching how your eyes lit up at his idea. you nodded quickly, delving back into the menu to find your desired dish. glancing over to his side to see what he was looking at, you then pushed your menu over to him, pointing at the dish you would be ordering. choso nodded in understanding, skimming the pages until he found a dish that complimented it. not wanting to let you wait any longer, he gave the waiter a sign, ordering for the two of you. across of him, you stayed quiet, still contemplating what to ask him.

“feel free to ask me anything,” choso reminded you again, propping his chin on his hand and leaned closer to you. “when you first get to know someone, dates are really just to spend time with each other and getting to know the other person. if there’s something you two have in common, you’ll just go from there and bond over it, yeah?”

humming in thought, you nodded and looked up at him. “so uhm… what do you like to do in your free time? i’m still in uni, so i spend most of my days studying. but i really like reading when i’m free and i also volunteer at an animal shelter. the pets there make me really happy!”

“my job takes up the majority of my time, so i try to spend time with family and friends as much as possible. my younger brother has gotten me into surfing and paddle boarding, i really enjoy doing that. what do you study, if i may ask?”

“i want to become a veterinarian in the future! it’s been my dream ever since i was younger, so yeah… you said you have a younger brother? i have an older sister but we don’t have much in common since she’s a lot older than me. but um surfing! so you spend a lot of time at the beach, right? i haven’t been there in a long time.”

“if you still wish to continue after today’s date, we could go to the beach next time? i can teach you, it’s not that difficult.”

surprised, your eyes widened at his suggestion. he seemed to be confident that there would be a next time and you couldn’t even deny that possibility. so far, you were easing into the conversation more and more - the process was more natural than the whole setting suggested. though he still made you nervous, he had been nothing but respectful of your space and friendly. not to mention that you were attracted to him as well; if you hadn’t hired him, you could imagine actually getting close to him.

"i- i'd love that." as you told him more about yourself and listened to his stories, you didn’t notice how much time had passed until the waiter suddenly appeared in front of you, presenting you the dishes. your mouth was watering at the sight of the delicious dishes, you couldn’t wait to dig in. quickly thanking the waiter, you then took a bite from the dish after he left. you sighed in satisfaction, taking your time to properly taste the first bite.

“this is so good, you need to try it!” you gushed, pushing your plate closer to the middle of the table. choso chuckled, sharing his plate with you as well. as you took in all the side dishes, he'd already taken it upon himself to pick up a smaller piece with his chopsticks, nudging it towards you. you looked at him confused, then back at the small piece of food. was he trying to-? carefully, you leaned in and let him feed you, confusion and hesitation immediately melting at the taste. the food made you happy, but the unusual intimacy and closeness that he just showed you wasn't lost in between the myriad emotions.

as you had dinner, the previous conversation continued. choso was a few years older than you, has been working in this industry for two years now and preferred coffee over tea. he disliked early mornings and liked to sleep in until noon. his most precious and valued object was a polaroid camera, he wanted to have photos commemorating important occasions or moments that were special to him. all these little details made you feel like he was less of an escort that you'd hired but more of a friend. much to your surprise, the conversation ran smoothly and there were no awkward, silent gaps. you supposed it was only natural; you felt comfortable with him so it was easy to talk. had it been any other guy who didn't understand you or your intentions so well, you probably would've closed up.

"do you want to take a stroll around the estate? i heard the gardens are really beautiful," you asked choso, a hopeful glint in your eyes. dinner was finished long ago, silence filled with light conversation and teasing from choso’s side. you weren’t sure where to go from this or how to suggest being… more intimate. choso had suggested you would go slow - but how slow was too slow? and if you were to go with the flow, when would be the right time?

“i would love to,” choso’s reply pulled you out of your thoughts, focusing your attention back to him. lost in your thoughts, you nodded and called a waitress over to pay the bill. you felt choso’s gaze on you, making you queasy. what did he think of you? or this entire ordeal? you wondered. as he stood up and moved behind you, you nearly jumped out of your skin when he placed his hand on the small of your back, guiding you out of the restaurant. the touch was unfamiliar, heavy and scalding even through your clothes, but not unwelcome. a strange feeling welled up in your chest, crawling its way up your throat, constricting it in such a way that it distracted you from coherent thoughts.

seeming to notice your conflict, choso stepped to the side, offering you his hand. you glanced at it, hesitating. “boyfriend experience, remember?” he grinned at you, patiently waiting until you took his hand. his hand was much bigger, almost entirely engulfing yours as you intertwined your fingers. gently swinging your arms back and forth with the flow, choso lead the way through the paths of the garden. having looked forward to it, you suddenly found yourself too distracted by him. the flowers and trees were beautiful and so were the statues but he was the one that caught your attention.

“my hands aren’t sweaty, are they?” you asked after a moment of silence, stopping to face choso. he laughed and shook his head, flicking your forehead gently.

“stop worrying about things too much, you’ll be fine. you don’t see me complaining, do you?”

“i mean that’s true… but i can’t help it! there’s just a lot to uh, think about…” your voice trailed off, you let his hand go to cover your face in embarrassment. choso inched closer to you, grasping your hands to pry them off your face. remaining stubborn, you pulled them back in, a giggle breaking from your lips when he tried again, playfully pinching your cheeks.

“want me to take your mind off said things?” he asked with a low voice, inching in further until your back hit a tree trunk behind you. he was so close, too too close. weakly, you pushed at his chest, trying to get him to back off. the sudden closeness that threw you off - your heart was racing at a million miles an hour, the endless possibilities dancing around your head. “how so?” your voice came out quiet and breathless, as if you were anticipating anything, something… his touch perhaps?

“do you feel comfortable with me?” without hesitating, you nodded in agreement. choso didn’t question you any further, simply gave you a knowing smile before diving in and pressing his lips against yours. instinctively, you stiffened, hands clenching around the fabric of choso’s shirt. breath caught up in your throat, you struggled to ease into it. you pulled away from him, squeezing your eyes shut in shame.

“i’m sorry that-”

“don’t apologize,” choso comforted you quickly, clasping your hands in his and intertwining them. thumbs gently rubbing the back of your hands, he lifted one of them to press a kiss against your knuckles. you blinked perplexed; your heart fluttered at the gesture. “don’t overthink it, there’s no science to it, yeah? just follow the flow, whatever feels good. we’ll go from there.”

giving you a moment to collect yourself, he leaned back in, silently waiting for permission. again, your breath hitched but this time, it wasn’t the nervousness. it was his eyes that drew you in, demanding all of your attention. dark, with unknown depths, that glimmered with mischief. ever so slightly, you tilted your head up to meet his lips. his warm lips pressed against yours, slowly testing the waters and letting you set the pace before deepening the kiss. now less hesitant, you kissed him back with more fervour, losing yourself in the feeling. it felt awkward and strange now that you let him guide you, leaving more space for you to ponder about the feeling that it evoked inside of you. you were glad he was holding your hands, otherwise you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself. the kiss brought forth a pleasant, tingling feeling - the sort of feeling that pulled you in, lulling you in warmth.

when choso pulled away, you almost mewled in disappointment, chasing after him. he let out a breathy laugh, cupping your cheek. “how did that feel? was it okay?”

“y- yeah, i liked it. felt very strange at first but once i was able to ease into it, it was… more natural and felt really good,” you explained to him shyly, leaning into his hand. longingly, you gazed at him. would it be weird to ask for another kiss? you wanted explore the feelings more, the intimacy of it, wanted to feel more of him. as if sensing that you were craving more, choso leaned in again, stopping a few centimeters in front of your face. with a sudden surge of boldness, you closed the distance between you, leaning up to kiss him. choso's arm snaked around your waist, pressing you closer to his body. gradually your body felt hotter, a dull ache accompanying it, spreading across the expanse of your stomach.

before you could act on the urge, choso pulled away again, pressing an apologetic kiss to the corner of your lips. "sorry, i don't want to get too carried away and we're… uh in public," he laughed at your horrified expression upon realizing your mistake. "i take it that you're still comfortable with this? do let me know if it gets too overwhelming for you.”

“n- no, it’s fine! it was uh, an interesting insight. i just wasn’t expecting to really get into this, considering- considering i hired you for this and don’t really know you.”

choso hummed in agreement. “i guess there has to be at least a smidge of attraction for it to work, yeah?” you looked at him stunned, trying to decipher the look in his eyes. you couldn’t place it; couldn’t place the feeling of longing that was emerging in you. when he looked at you like that, it was difficult to remind yourself that he was just an escort that you hired for your personal problems. when he looked at you like that, it filled you with warmth, making you want to pretend that he really cared about you as if you were in a relationship.

“yeah… yeah, i guess so.”

nervously, you were twiddling with your phone, contemplating whether to text choso or not. after the last “date”, you felt confident enough in continuing your… relationship of sorts. he was great at guiding you, always making sure you were comfortable and moving at your pace. you did let him know that you would book another session, you just hadn’t set up a date or time yet. and casually texting him felt awkward. hey, how’s your day? oh by the way, i wanna book another session so we can make out haha? maybe calling was a better idea. there was no plan ahead, never did you think you would even get this far.

the dial tone made you nervous. you chewed on your bottom lip as you waited for him to pick up, bouncing your leg up and down. maybe he was busy? it was early in the afternoon after all, he was probably already out with other clients. “hello? y/n?” choso sounded groggy, his voice raspy and deep as if he’d just gotten up. it sent electric shocks right down your spine, raising goosebumps across your skin. never had you thought about a man’s morning voice before, but choso had you wondering, imagining. you spluttered: “oh hey uh are you busy? i’m not interrupting you with something, am i?”

“not at all, i just got up,” choso admitted with a quiet chuckle. “everything okay? are you calling in for another appointment?”

“ah, yeah! i thought that we worked quite well and there’s still a few more things i want to learn with you, if you’re up for it? if you’re comfortable with it too, of course!”

“mhmm, i wouldn’t mind,” choso pondered from the other side. sounds of rustling and a few clangs resounded before you could clearly hear his voice again. you were glad that he agreed to it, meaning that you weren’t entirely… hopeless in that department. for days, his words were ghosting around in your head, a constant reminder that he seemed to find you attractive as well. not that he showed it, staying professional despite the nature of your relationship. it was nice to imagine that someone would look at you like that, at your shy and timid self.

choso was meticulous about his work, working on every detail and concern until he was satisfied. even though he looked so easy going, from time to time he had to admit that he was a perfectionist and easily frustrated when something didn't go the way he expected. so when you rolled around, so innocently asking for help, it threw him off. the feelings of confusion grew when he first met you, unable to pinpoint the origin of this urge, possessive and demanding, reaching its tendrils out to you. the way you reached out to him for help, the fact that you wanted to continue, wanted him to teach you. it thrilled him to the core when it really should not. he had to remain professional. but he was curious, so curious. indulging a little wouldn't hurt, right?

to choso's surprise, the next venue you'd chosen was the own comfort of your home. you were barely acquaintances, more like strangers, and yet you felt confident to invite him here. at the phone you had told him that your friends thought you had weird ideas about dates due to only seeing glorified versions of them on tv shows and movies. it embarrassed you enough to take their advice, inviting choso over for a movie night as opposed to visiting another fancy venue with him. prior to the date, you went through movie suggestions and rented the ones that you thought were interesting and enjoyable for the two of you. despite your put together attire and look, your apartment did not reflect the sentiment. it was a little chaotic; books and paper stacking up in every free corner of the apartment, pens strewn across surfaces and here and there choso could spot memorabilia and photos.

you gave choso an apologetic look when you let him in. despite your best efforts to clean up, you were still not happy with the outcome. tidying wasn't your strong suit but you tried to make it as accommodating as possible. choso assured you that he didn't mind at all, telling you that it added to the charm of the apartment. it was unusual to have someone other than your friends or family in the apartment - your home was your sacred space that you rarely ever showed anyone else, let alone someone you had hired. choso took a seat on the couch, turning to look at you as you went to grab some glasses and drinks.

"i uh, told my friends about my plans and they just told me i have weird expectations of dates," you explained choso, placing the items you'd grabbed on the coffee table and rubbed the back of your neck sheepishly. "they said it would probably just be better to have a simple movie night since a lot of people do that. and it would… make things a lot easier i- if we go fu- further…" the implication was hanging in the air, you didn't dare to speak them out. choso gave you a knowing smile, patting the empty space beside him. gingerly, you sat next to him, squeaking in surprise when he snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you to his side. with wide eyes, you stared at him, still trying to wrap your head around the casual close proximity with the taller male.

wordlessly, you started a random movie, trying to focus on it. throughout the duration of it, choso would ask you questions about your day, how uni was going or whether you felt comfortable. you couldn't focus, not with him being so close. how you made it through the first movie you didn't know. you were hyper aware of choso's wandering hands, the ghost touches his fingers left, how he absentmindedly rubbed your legs that were resting on his lap. straining to keep your eyes on the screen, your neck already felt stiff from the tension.

"i can tell that you're distracted, you know?" choso hummed, hands squeezing your legs gently to catch your attention. pretending to not be affected by it, you shook your head. you didn't want to show him that you wanted to proceed, not yet.

"i'm trying to concentrate," you shushed him quietly, playfully pushing at his arm but still not looking over to him. silence. you assumed you'd convinced him that there was nothing wrong until you felt his hands innocently move a little higher, rubbing the top of your thighs. clenching your fists, you stayed put, unwavering in your resolve. choso's hands wandered, alternating between featherlight touches to using more pressure. he kept his eyes on you, gauging your reactions to him. you brought your hand up to cover half of your face. it was embarrassing, the way your breath came out laboured in response. without warning, arms were hooked under your knees, dragging you across the couch and seated you on his lap. you made a noise in protest, now finally paying attention to him. choso wasn’t sure why but it had bothered him that you were so adamant on keeping your attention on the movie as opposed to keeping your eyes on him.

choso wasn’t sure why but he craved your attention, wanted you to look at him only. his resolve crumbled when you looked at him with wide eyes, grasping the sleeves of his shirt to steady yourself. he couldn’t help but kiss you, swallowing your surprised mewl before you returned the kiss. pleased at your eagerness, he gradually deepened the kiss, licking at the seams of your lips. you gasp in surprise and parted your lips slightly, whimpering in anticipation. it felt unfamiliar and yet thrilling at the same time, fueling and flaring up the dull ache in the pit of your stomach. before choso could go any further, you pulled away and hid your face in the crook of his neck. “what’s wrong? did i go too far?” he questioned concerned, rubbing your back in soothing circles.

“no, no, not at all,” reassuring him quickly, you awkwardly turned in his lap, legs still thrown over it. “i uh just wanted to try to take initiative myself, figure things out without getting hints from you… if that’s okay?”

a sigh of relief left choso’s lips. silently, he gave you his approval and leaned back, watching as you shuffled clumsily. finally, you straddled his lap and placed your hands on his chest. in the dim light, you couldn’t make out his face expression - choso was glad that you couldn’t, otherwise you would have been able to see how much it was affecting him, how he was slowly losing his composure and control around you. but this was about you, he was there to help you explore this type of intimacy. releasing another shaky breath, you then leaned in and softly kissed him. you kept a languid tempo, slowly and surely cracking his restraint. trying to mirror what he’d done earlier, you pushed further, timidly licking into his mouth as he parted his lips.

seemingly not being able to hold back anymore, choso pushed against you with equally as much fervour, gripping your chin and tilting your head ever so slightly. his lips moved against yours, sucking your bottom lip, eliciting a whimper from you. again the ache in the pit of your stomach was flaring up, uncomfortable and yearning for relief; you moved against his lap, pressing your body against his when your crotch dragged against the bulge in his jeans. choso groaned, hands flying to grasp your hips and steady you.

dazed, you gave him a confused look. choso cleared his throat, lifting his hips ever so slightly so you could feel his arousal again. when the realization hit you, your face heated up - you were surprised to find out that he felt aroused… by you.

“oh.”

“yeah.” choso retorted dryly, hands rubbing at his face in embarrassment. “fuck, i’m so sorry. it wasn’t meant to get out of hand like this, i don’t know how far you planned ahead for today but i-”

“uhm if you don’t mind…” you hesitated. but curiosity simply got the better of you, you wanted to see him breathless and feel as hot and bothered as you did. “could i uhm. you know? give you a handjob? only if you don’t mind because i want to know how to please uhm, please people.”

choso swore under his breath. you had no idea how painfully hard you were making him. quietly encouraging you, he leaned in to kiss you again and guided your hands to his jeans. you fumbled with the button and zipper, hands trembling slightly. it took you a few tries until you were finally able to unzip his pants, a giggle left your lips at the thought of how clumsy you were. your hands gently rubbed at the tent in his boxers, breath hitching as choso’s hips jerked. gaining some courage, you slightly put on more pressure and watched fascinated when choso’s fingers digged into the fleshy skin of your hips in anticipation. slowly, you pulled the waistband of his boxers down until it revealed his cock. choso hissed at the cold air that was biting at his skin.

carefully, you wrapped your hand around the shaft, marvelling at how the skin felt on your hands. sensing your cluelessness, choso wrapped his larger hand around yours and guided you into a slow rhythm to get you used to the movement. sucking in a deep breath between his teeth, he praised you: “you’re doing good, y/n. fuck, you’re being such a good girl.”

your heart soared at the praise. eagerly, you leaned up to kiss him, still stroking him in slow movements. choso moaned against your lips, the deep sound spurring you on, eager to hear more of his reactions. when you finally felt more comfortable continuing on your own, choso pulled his hands away and instead settled them on the small of your back, sliding them down until they were resting on your bum. you wrapped your other hand around him as well and paid attention to his reactions, adjusting the pressure and pace accordingly. choso buried his face in the crook of your neck, whispering sweet praises in between his moans. eventually your name left his lips; it set your entire body in flames, desperate want clinging onto your bones.

“fuck, i’m close,” he groans against the skin of your neck, hips rutting up to meet your movements more frantically now. you weren’t entirely sure what to do, opting to simply match the pace. shudders wrecked through choso’s body as he came, warm cum painting your small hands and running down your fingers. he was panting, leaning back against the couch and watching you with hooded eyes. the sight in front of you stirred something inside of you - choso’s flushed face, the slight sheen of sweat on his skin, his kiss-bitten lips. with curiosity, you inspected the liquid on your hand. lazily, choso grasped your wrist, holding them away from you. “‘m sorry. do you have a tissue?”

you tilted your head, tugging on the sleeves of his sweater with your other hand. “uh i- i’ve heard from others… um. can i try?” you asked quietly. choso’s grip on your wrist weakened; he gave you an incredulous look, as if you few two heads. out of all things, he didn’t expect you to suggest that. fuck, he felt the blood rushing right back down to his cock. just the thought of you, doing that - it was enough to make him cum again. “go ahead, if you feel like it,” choso whispered in a low voice. dark urges overcame him again, begging him to give in, to make you bend to his will, to submit, to-

his thoughts came to a screeching halt when he saw you unashamedly pop a finger in your mouth, licking the come from it. there wasn’t any reaction from you really, you gave him a sheepish smile afterwards and gratefully took the tissue he offered you. he helped you wipe your hands, diving in for another kiss. “sorry, i think i just short circuited,” choso laughed embarrassedly, another kiss was pressed to your temple. “that was just… uh- fuck.”

“r- really?” you stammered, hiding your face in your hands. “it’s okay if it wasn’t that great for you, it was my first time after all, i-”

choso hushed you, going for another open mouthed kiss, eliciting a whimper from you. “yeah, really. fuck, the things i want to do to you,” he shook his head, not wanting to get sidetracked again. “but this is about you. we’ll only go as far as you’re comfortable. did you feel like you learned enough for today?”

“mh- hmm. thank you,” you leaned your head against his chest, closing your eyes as a sudden tiredness washed over you. choso’s fingers dancing across your skin were slowly lulling you into a comfortable slumber. “what is it that you want to do to me? will you show me one day?”

choso cursed, shivers running down his spine.

“if you want to, of course.”

-----------

now that you’d met choso a couple of times, it was pretty obvious that you took some liking to him. after that fateful day, nothing else had happened as you wanted to work on easing into relationship dynamics and feeling less insecure about things - choso had been nothing but sweet and mindful about it, even went out of his way to find suitable locations for your dates. somewhere along the way you had started to text more casually, the strictly business type texting long forgotten. gradually, the two of you opened up to each other, the lines between escort and client slowly blurring and intertwining.

choso had promised to pick you up after your shift at the animal shelter for your next date; for today he had suggested you come over to his place for a change. the thought that he was willing to let you in his home, let you have a glimpse into his personal life, it made you giddy with anticipation. despite getting closer to each other, he remained a mysterious person and you didn't want to pry. after all, you were merely his client. but what if you were more- patting your cheeks to put some sense back into you, you leaned down to pet the dogs. unbeknownst to you, choso had already entered the building and watched you with a soft smile as you gave each of the dogs their deserved belly rubs before you left.

you didn't take any notice of him until some of the dogs perked up and carefully trudged over to sniff at the stranger. turning around on your heels, your eyes widened as you took in choso's tall figure. you quickly apologized, telling him that you would be joining him right away to which he simply shook his head and reassured you that you were fine. your co-workers were eyeing choso curiously, one of them wiggling their eyebrows at you. in response, you waved it off, too embarrassed to set the record straight. choso looked so awfully much like a boyfriend in this moment - the way he was dressed in casual clothes that accentuated his physical features so well, the soft smile he gave you as he offered you his hand to take, the way he sounded genuinely interested and curious when he asked you about your day.

silently, you took his hand and followed him out of the building - you could feel your co-workers’ inquisitive gazes like laser beams on your back. while they were never particularly nosy about your personal life, it was unusual that someone would pick you up from work; much less someone that you seemed to be romantically interested in. surely, they would grill you the next time you would return to work. “they think you’re my boyfriend,” you explained to choso sheepishly, glancing down at your intertwined hands. choso squeezed your hand and nudged your side gently. “am i not?” he winked at you cheekily, making your face heat up. he had asked in such a serious voice that you’d briefly questioned yourself.

“n- no, not really,” you replied quietly, looking away from him. choso reached around you to open the car door for you. in the window reflection you could see his face expression; it was rather somber, almost as if your words had hurt him in a way. the emotion was gone from his face when you blinked. maybe you had just imagined it. getting close to him on that level was unattainable, no matter how you twisted it. it just wasn't right.

the car ride was mostly quiet, only the sound of choso's car playlist accompanying you. somewhere along the way he had reached out to intertwine your fingers, resting his hand on your thigh. holding hands was almost natural to you now, the way his hands automatically sought out yours whenever possible. in response, your heart was racing, filling with the all too familiar feeling of yearning. whether you were simply yearning for the intimacy and closeness of a relationship or for him, you weren't entirely sure. while choso had told you about himself for the sake of the fake dating, there were still unknown facettes. it was impossible for you to get to know all of him, not when he was selling a fantasy to you. and yet, you found yourself craving more of him, beyond what he was willing to show you.

choso parked his car in the garage, turning his body sideways so he could look at you. "you okay? you look like you were quite lost in thoughts," he hummed curiously, rubbing circles on the back of your hand. what could you possibly answer to that? hey i'm questioning our fake relationship and it's going beyond what i expected? abruptly, choso hoisted you across the seat onto his lap as if you'd weighed nothing. "a penny for your thoughts? or should i take your mind off things?"

"i- i think i would… rather not talk about it," you whispered quietly, gaze skirting away from his eyes. choso frowned, slightly irritated - he had a small inkling why he reacted this way but banned the thought to the back of his head. he understood that as a client, you wouldn't disclose details of your private life to him. but he found it difficult to circumvent your dropping mood when he couldn't tell what was going on.

"i understand," choso was about to open the door when you suddenly cupped his chin and dove in for a kiss. he was caught off guard - rarely did you ever initiate kisses, usually shyly asking beforehand. feeling bold, you pressed you pressed your hips down, grinding against his crotch. choso groaned, gripping your hips to guide you while thrusting his hips up to meet yours. he enjoyed how you shuddered at the newfound pleasure, the delicious friction making your toes curl. "does baby want me to take her mind off things?" he murmured with a raspy voice, peppering kisses across your jaw.

"please," you mewled needily, hands grabbing onto his shoulders, fingers digging into his skin. choso complied, sliding his hand up to tangle in your hair and gently pulled at it, tilting your head back. you were panting by the time he was moving down the column of your neck, nipping and sucking at your skin. lower and lower, until he reached the top of your breasts; with swift movements, he yanked your shirt and bra upso , pressing open mouthed kisses to them before wrapping his lips around your nipple. your voice cracked as you moaned his name, hands flying up to bury your hands in his hair. distracted by the ministrations, you didn’t notice choso’s free hand sliding down your front until you feel the coldness of his hands on your skin. you squirmed, giggling at the cool sensation - the giggle died abruptly when he dove lower, fingers rubbing your clothed pussy languidly.

“c- choso! we’re still in the g- garage, people can see!” you stuttered scandalized, tugging at the tips of his hair to grab his attention. choso simply hummed, carrying on as if you hadn’t just told him your concerns. rubbing circles on your clit, he watched with satisfaction how your legs were trembling, writhing in pleasure. just the sight of you - hickeys on your neck, slightly swollen lips, shirt pushed up to reveal your tits, his hands down your pants - it was so arousing and thrilling, he almost didn’t want to stop.

“the windows are tinted and no one’s around at this time… do you really want me to stop?” he murmured with a low voice, fingers pushing your panties to the side to gather the slick up on his fingers. “look at you, how much you’re craving it. the want is written all over your face, baby. do you want to stop now?”

before you know it, choso’s hand is suddenly hovering over your face, fingers glimmering with your arousal. you shot him a dazed look, confusion evident on your face. “open,” he instructed softly, slowly and carefully sliding his fingers in your mouth. almost instinctively, your hands gingerly grasped his wrist. your lips wrapped around them, tasting the liquid curiously. his breath hitched, blood shooting down his groin - fuck, you were going to kill him. tentatively, he thrusted his fingers, slow enough so he could gauge your reaction to it. you didn’t know what it was - the taste of yourself, the weight of his fingers on your tongue, the way he was looking at you with hooded eyes and a hungry expression on his face; it made you squirm, eagerly for more. choso immediately took notice of your sudden mood shift. barely noticeable, your hips were rocking back and forth as you sucked on his fingers, cleaning them of your slick.

with a pop, choso removed his fingers. you whimpered his name, gasping in relief when he slid them back down, moving your panties to the side. his thumb found your clit, rubbing the little nub gently in slow circles. as if he was in no hurry and unbothered by the prospect that someone could actually spot you, he continued his ministrations. your legs jerked, threatening to close when you felt his fingers prod at your entrance. excruciatingly slow, he sunk a finger into you. the feeling was unfamiliar, almost uncomfortable at first. seizing up, you clenched around the finger. “relax, ease into it,” choso whispered reassuringly, capturing your lips in a kiss. “it’ll feel good, i promise.”

choso inserted a second finger, letting you get used to the feeling of them. the kisses he was peppering on your chest were distracting you from the burning stretch, creating a confusing mix between pain and pleasure. “how are you feeling?”

“f- feels good, i- i-” you were struggling to form coherent sentences, too focused on how he was lapping at your nipples, sucking and kissing them gently. “y- you can continue…”

steadily, choso started to thrust his fingers into you - gradually, the burn was disappearing and replaced by a delicious stretch, pleasure that was spreading throughout your body and setting your nerves on fire. desperately clinging onto his shirt, you hid your face in the crook of his neck. choso placed a kiss on the crown of your head, whispering sweet praises and telling you what a good girl you were. it felt good, so good but something was missing, you needed something, maybe more. you started begging and despite blabbering nonsensical things, choso understood what you were asking of him. his fingers hit a peculiar spot inside of you when he curled them, making you jerk in surprise. “o- oh!” again and again, choso was hitting the spot, making you writhe on his lap.

something was building up in the pit of your stomach, like a tightened coil that was about to snap at any time. panicking slightly, you grabbed choso’s hand and tried to close your legs, wiggling away from him: “h- hey wait, i-” another moan broke from your lips when choso sealed your lips with his and wrapped his arm around your waist, locking you in place. “it’s okay, let go, baby. cum for me,” he whispered against your lips, sinking his fingers in you one last time. and then the coil snapped, the high crashing over you like a riptide, so blinding and intense that it took you a while to come down from it. your thighs were still trembling by the time you came back to your senses, ripples of pleasure still cursing through you.

you slump against choso's chest, exhausted from the intensity of your orgasm but feeling wonderfully blissed out. choso removed his hand from you, licking your arousal from his fingers before wiping them off on a paper towel. he brushed his fingers through your hair, pressing a kiss on your forehead. "how are you feeling? can you move?"

"my legs feel like jelly," your voice came out muffled, face still pressed into his chest. "'m feeling good though. that was… really nice."

"i'll carry you upstairs," choso declared matter-of-factly, hoisting you up so he could carry you. you slung your arms around his neck, pecking the side of his neck. his scent was faint but calming, lulling you into a sense of home and comfort. you wanted to stay close to him like this, just having him hold you in his arms. a myriad of emotions welled up in you, swallowing all your doubts until all that was left was the budding blossoms of your feelings for him, nurtured by his soft touches and adoring treatment. you wanted to cherish him, keep him close for as long as you could, as long as you could still have him.

"thank you."

"for what?" choso sounded surprised.

"taking care of me? i mean i pay you for it but i still wanted to let you know that i appreciate it."

“everything for you, baby,” choso replied softly, tightening his grip around you. as you got to his apartment, choso placed you on the couch and knelt down, hands wrapping around yours. “do you want to get changed? i’ll lend you some of my clothes, you can get changed in my room or in the bathroom if you want to freshen up.”

he was so so considerate, you couldn’t believe someone as nice as him existed out there. as you agreed, choso disappeared in his room; the sound of opening doors and drawers as well as rustling resounded from his room. you took the opportunity to observe his home. it was a small but cozy apartment, despite being sparsely decorated. in the back of the living room, you could spot some bags and boxes, presumably choso’s surfing equipment, as well as posters and photos cluttered on a pinboard. here and there, some little figurines and trinkets were spread across the apartment. although it was cozy, the apartment lacked some kind of presence, some warmth. you assumed that it had to do with choso’s job - he probably was rarely home between work and spending time with friends and family.

“here you go,” choso handed you a big sweatshirt and some shorts as he came back, patting your head teasingly. “go and get changed, i’ll start preparing dinner, yeah?”

you hid in the bathroom and got changed, neatly folding your clothes and stacking them on the counter. inspecting yourself in the mirror, you admired the size of choso’s sweater - it was a simple and cream coloured sweater that was entirely dwarfing and engulfing you. the sleeves were way too long and the hem almost reached your knees. but it was soft and comfy, coming close to choso’s hugs. you pulled the shorts up your legs, awkwardly securing them by tucking them underneath the sweater. choso had set up some boiling water and was silently chopping vegetables by the time you left the bathroom and tip toed towards the kitchen. “can i help you with anything?”

“no it’s okay, take a seat. do you want anything to drink? water? tea?” reluctantly, you sat at the small table on the side, pouting at him. choso simply laughed and shook his head, bringing a glass of water over. your heart jumped in surprise when he kissed your forehead as he placed the glass on the table. “i’ll take care of you for today. boyfriend duties, remember? the past times you’ve always taken us out on restaurants and incredible locations and now it’s my turn to show you the boyfriend magic.”

sudden dread filled your stomach. how could choso be so warm and kind-hearted to you, when you weren’t even in a relationship? you keep having to remind yourself that this was what he was doing for a living, that you might possibly never know the real him. that this might just be a mask that he kept on for the sake of your requests. you didn’t reply, deep in your thoughts as you stared at the glass of water. choso returned back to his previous task, cooking dinner in silence. your chest felt heavy with uncertainty and disappointment - you tried your best to push the emotions down. they were irrational, you knew full well what you were getting yourself into when you asked for his service.

thankfully, choso didn’t seem to have picked up on your sullen mood, even throughout dinner - you let no emotions shine through when you conversed with him, choosing to keep it lighthearted. you offered to wash the dishes, not wanting him to lift another finger when you could help him in return. as you scrubbed the bowls, choso creeped up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, placing his chin on your shoulder. “you wanna watch a movie? or go to bed already? you’ve had a long day at work after all.”

“hmm, yeah. i think i’d prefer going to bed, if that’s okay for you?”

“i could never say no to cuddles,” choso hummed, capturing your lips in another kiss. you whimpered against them, not being able to resist him. he moaned against your lips, grip on you tightening. “please don’t tempt me, it’s so hard to say no to you,” he warned you with a strained voice.

your face grew warm at the memories of a few hours ago. you couldn’t believe you let him do that, let him finger you in his car in the garage. no one had seen you and you were thankful for that but you wanted the ground to swallow you whole at the thought of someone possibly snitching on you. your father would lose his mind. “is- is it not what you want?”

“of course i do, but not today. baby steps, remember? we have all the time in the world. and i can assure you that i very much want you,” with one last peck on your lips, he removed himself from you and disappeared in his room. he wanted you. your heart was soaring at his confession. you were relieved to know that he was craving you as much as you were yearning for him. maybe you would indulge, just for a couple more times until you would inevitably have to cut off the relationship. you felt at peace with your decision, you told yourself. nothing good would come from false hope.

after washing up, you joined choso on the bed, shyly crawling towards him as he opened his arms and welcomed you. he pulled you into his chest, nearly crushing you with his weight. it made you giggle and squirm in his arms, trying to wiggle out of his hold. choso was having none of it, peppering kisses all over your face as he trapped you in place. gasping for air in between your carefree laughter, you weakly pushed at his head, squealing when he dove in to blow raspberries on your neck. he showed mercy and let up, instead curiously inspecting your neck as he pulled the neckline of your, no his, sweater down. something dark was glinting in his eyes as his eyes zoomed in on the hickeys he had left on your neck and chest - he felt strangely satisfied, pleased with his work of art. a sliver of possessiveness overcame him as he traced the trail of red marks on your neck, humming quietly.

“something wrong with my neck?” you questioned confused, not having spotted the hickeys yet. choso shook his head, simply laid back on his side again to look at you. “not at all. was just inspecting the hickeys i left on you.”

“you left marks?” you gaped at him, mildly shocked at the revelation. though he was preoccupied with your neck earlier, you didn’t expect him to actually leave so many marks, much less ones that were visible. “is… is that a common occurrence?”

“for couples? i think so. but i can’t speak for everyone; if it was me, i would do it frequently. stake my claim on you, let everyone know that you’re mine,” choso replied and casually draped the blanket over the two of you, as if he didn’t just admit to doing something he would normally do with a lover. did he think of you as his? you struggled to decipher his actions, not being able to match it with a specific reason.

“that’s uh-” your stuttering was interrupted by another horrifying thought. “oh god, i can’t let my parents see this, they will kill me.”

choso shot you a confused look. you hadn’t told him about your parents yet or how you were hiding this from them.

“my parents… especially my dad, are very cautious about letting me venture out in romantic relationships. it’s mostly because he didn’t feel like anyone was good enough for me and because he didn’t want me to get hurt. sometimes i felt like those princesses locked up in a tower, you know? so i decided to explore and uh, hired you. i didn’t want to burden my friends with having to help me gain some experience,” you explained to choso, eyes widening when he suddenly grabbed your hand and pressed a kiss to it. he winked at you cheekily before leaning over you to turn off the lights. you felt him press a gentle kiss to your lips but you couldn’t make out his face expression in the dark. choso preferred it like this, so you couldn’t tell the vulnerable look on his face, the ache of knowing that he could never fully be yours.

“then i’m glad i get to serve a princess such as you.”

----------

“you’ve been spending an awful lot of time with choso,” nobara commented as she took a sip from her coffee, reaching out to grab one of the muffins you had ordered. you looked away in embarrassment. it’s been nearly two months since you’ve started to meet up with choso. your dates became more frequent, even the casual texting continued. and yet you hadn’t really told your friends about your progress or how you felt about him, either brushing it off or giving them vague details. it was only natural that nobara and maki grew suspicious, vowing to grill you about it the next time you would meet up. “have you done the deed?”

“n- no! not yet,” you answered hastily, the topic still making you feel bashful. though you had talked to choso about it; he had agreed and hinted that you might go all the way the next time you would meet up. it was weird, scheduling something like this. but you felt more at ease knowing that it was approaching and you could somewhat prepare your nerves for it. “we talked about it though… next time, maybe?”

“i see,” maki nodded slowly, deep in thought. “you’ve been skirting around this escort thing a lot. is there something you’re hiding from us?”

“nope! not at all!”

“y/n… we’re looking out for you as friends. i know you told us that you trust choso and that he’s the nicest person you have ever but is there something more?” maki gave you a gentle nudge. the serious look in her eyes told you that you better not give her a lame excuse. even nobara, who was usually playful in nature, looked mildly concerned. as much concern as she could muster up anyways. sheepishly, you stared at your mug, watching the milk swirl with your hot chocolate. surely, they would tell you to stop seeing him, to stay away. because catching feelings for someone whose true feelings and self you could never uncover… should have been something you could have prevented. if only it hadn’t been so easy to give in, so easy to develop feelings for choso.

“uhm. i just realized that i like him, like a lot. i know i shouldn’t and should have circumvented the issue somehow but now i’m stuck with my feelings. and it’s just confusing. before you get mad at me, i’ve already decided to cut it off after our next date. i can’t dwell on it for too long because realistically, nothing is going to happen.”

wordlessly, nobara gave you a hug, patting your back to soothe you. “is he really that great though?” maki lightly swatted nobara’s arm and gave her an eyeroll. her comment made you laugh, she knew how to lighten up a situation.

“i think so. very gentleman-like and just takes good care of everything. i really appreciate how well he’s been taking care of me this entire time. he just is the perfect boyfriend, you know?” nobara nodded but you could tell from her face that she was trying to put the puzzle pieces together. it made you laugh again, pinching her cheek playfully. you didn’t want to worry your friends too much. they always helped you in every situation and now it was time you would take care of everything yourself.

“i can’t believe this entire time we were trying to find you a perfect partner and you’ve gone and went the whole nine yards, boyfriend experience and heartbreak all together,” maki joked and ruffled your hair, giving you a reassuring smile. “you know we’re there for you if you need emotional support in this, right? we might not be much of a help while you go through the fake breakup but we can help you take your mind off afterwards.”

you sniffled a little at the thought. your next date was fast approaching and you were grateful to have such great friends, who would always look out for you and be understanding even if you made dumb mistakes. your next step would be to learn how to mend a broken heart.

everything had to be perfect. the entire evening you had been on the move, busy cleaning your apartment and room and spending time in the bathroom making yourself look presentable. you still felt nervous exposing all of you to choso, never had anyone seen you naked before. the thought of it had made you so anxious that you’d called nobara who promptly suggested you wear cute underwear and something comfy to ease yourself into it. chances were that choso didn’t really care and wouldn’t judge you anyways; he had always been generous with compliments, always telling you how pretty you looked, how cute you were, and what a good girl you were for him. you didn’t think you could feel so fired up from praises nor did you think that you would be craving to hear them so much until choso came along. the feeling of euphoria that overtook you whenever he praised you, along with the pleasure he gave you whenever you were fooling around - it was a deadly combination.

knocks at the door made you perk up, hastily racing over to the door to let choso in. he chuckled when you immediately wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face in his chest. “hey baby, missed me much, huh? i missed you too,” choso admitted, softly combing his fingers through your hair. you peeked up at him from below, closing your eyes as you leaned into his touch like a cat. “mhmm, missed you a lot,” you mumbled, humming in content as choso pecked your lips briefly before waddling inside the apartment with you in his arms, closing the door behind him

“what am i going to do with you?” he mumbled amused and sat down on the couch, pulling you onto his lap. he squished your cheeks between his hands, kissing your pouty lips with a broad smile. “you always make it so hard for me to leave.”

your heart sunk at his last words, remembering how you were planning to proceed by the end of this date. surely, it couldn’t be so hard and he wouldn’t think much of it since it was all business anyways. and yet, you couldn’t help but seize up with dread, not wanting to hurt him. if, and only if he would actually be affected by it. you placed your hands on his, sticking your tongue out at him. you teased him: “you leave but you always return, right? doesn’t that give you something to look forward to?”

“yeah, always come bouncing back…” choso trailed off, a faraway look on his face. you couldn’t tell what he was thinking - each emotion that surfaced was only fleeting and quickly wiped from his face expression as if it never existed in the first place. perhaps he was keeping his heart as guarded as yours, for baring the most vulnerable parts of yourself could be your downfall. he ran his hands along your thighs, rubbing the bare skin gently, fingers teasingly slipping under the hem of your shorts. your breath hitched in your throat, expecting him to move his hands up further. but by now, choso knew how to play you like a fiddle, what drew beautiful moans out of you, what made you whimper in anticipation and how to build up tension. he knew how to tease you and use it to his advantage; knew well that you would follow his instructions like the good girl that you were, never disappointing him. “gotta take care of my princess, hm?”

choso dipped down, brushing the strands of your hair out of the way, showering it in kisses. you mewled quietly, tilting your head to the side to allow him more access to your neck. he was still murmuring between kisses, telling you how sweet you were, how he was going to make you sing his name, how he was going to take care of you. the whispered praises were getting to your head, you easily melted into his touch. “c- choso,” you gasped, already drowning in him as his presence clouded your senses, wrapping around you as if nothing else but him existed. “please touch me.”

“your wish is my command,” choso lifted you up as if you weighed nothing, carrying you to your bedroom with ease. gently, he dropped you on the bed, simply hovering over you without saying a word. the look in his eyes knocked the air out of your lungs; you loved his eyes, his dark brown eyes that were filled with so much warmth and love, now darkened and filled with lust. he observed you, waiting for you to make a move - you stayed still, tense with anticipation. with every single intimate encounter you had with him, you gradually learned that choso enjoyed being in control, overjoyed when you were obedient and remembered what he had told you. he liked having you at his mercy, being the first and only one to discover the expanse of your body, to pleasure you in ways you were yet to familiarize yourself with.

choso’s tapped your lips, carefully sliding two fingers in when you willingly parted your lips and sucked on them. the weight of his fingers on your tongue, the dazed look on his eyes as he watched you - it was all so erotic, so arousing. you lifted your hips, grinding against his thighs for some kind of relief. it drew a slightly irritated click of the tongue from choso, gently pressing his fingers against your tongue. but he enjoyed the view, seeing how you wanted him so much, how you were seeking relief by humping his thigh. you could already feel yourself soaking through your panties and your thin shorts, arousal smearing across choso’s thigh and leaving a wet spot on his jeans.

pulling his fingers out of your mouth, he slid them down, lower and lower, smearing your spit across your skin. his fingers stopped right at the buttons of your blouse, playfully rolling them between his fingers. slowly, he unbuttoned the blouse, pushing the fabric off your shoulders to reveal your bra. you squirmed, suddenly feeling shy and embarrassed about being so exposed in front of him. “you’re beautiful,” choso reminded you. “don’t hide from me. i want to see all of you.”

reluctantly, you kept your arms at your sides, instead clenching your fingers around the fabric of your comforter. teasingly, his hands dragged across the tops of your breasts before dipping lower. “look at you, how soaked you are already. you’ve even left a spot on my jeans. i haven’t even touched you properly yet… has my princess missed me this much?” he mused, gently rubbing circles across your skin. he was careful not to move anywhere close to your crotch, resolutely keeping his hand near your navel.

“yes, please touch me,” you mewled, grasping his hand to guide him towards the hem of your shorts. his hand splayed across your mound, rubbing in deliberately slow movements, making you sigh in relief. choso tugged on your shorts, dragging them down your legs with ease. you clenched your eyes shut, hiding your face behind your hands. choso stayed silent for a few seconds and simply admired you in the dim light of your room. he could tell that you'd chosen a nice set of underwear to impress him - you looked so cute in it, like a present waiting to be unwrapped. he took notice of the dark patch on the crotch of your panties, how they were clinging onto your skin and how your arousal was glistening on your inner thighs.

"you look breathtaking," choso complimented you, gently removing your hands from your face. "i told you not to hide, didn't i? give me all of you, baby."

you blinked a few times, sheepishly thanking him. his praises overwhelmed you, making your chest swell with pride. but still, you didn't know how to react when he was singing your praises, too bashful to reply coherently. choso removed your panties in painstakingly slow movements, leaving trails of kisses on your inner thighs up to your ankle. throwing your panties to the floor, he then pulled your legs over his shoulders. you watched him bewildered, not sure what to make of it. the position made you feel oddly exposed; all of your senses were heightened, strained to focus on choso only. the oversensitivity caused your hips to jerk when choso’s breath hit your pussy, keen on receiving attention. the swipe of his tongue on your slit was something you didn’t expect - the sensation was new, uncharted territory, so different from his fingers. it drew a whimper from your lips, making your toes curl against his back.

languidly, he was lapping at your folds, taking his time to get you used to the feeling. it wasn’t until his tongue dragged across your clit, lips wrapping around it to suck gently, that whines and whimpers spilled forth from your lips. your hips automatically lurched forward, rocking against his face. you couldn’t wrap your head around the pleasure it provided you, how it rendered you into a babbling mess with only his name on your lips like some mantra. needing to busy your hands otherwise, you clenched your fingers around his hair, subconsciously pressing his face into your pussy. choso groaned against you, the slight burn turning him on beyond relief. you felt like you’re floating, higher and higher, rapidly approaching your high and it was still a feeling you’re trying to get used to, a feeling that you readily welcomed and craved.

it was a combination of all the touches that bring you closer to the edge; how he was sucking at your clit before flattening his tongue against your clit, paying close attention to it, how it was repeatedly and rapidly dragging across your folds. it made you sob, begging him to make you cum. choso pulled you even closer, fingers digging into your thighs as he lapped at your swollen clit, again and again until you come with a loud moan, barch arching from the bed, heels digging into choso’s shoulder blades. clenching your eyes shut, you attempted to push his face away from you, now feeling too sensitive. your legs were trembling uncontrollably, you gasped for air as your high washes over you and slowly ebbing away. choso sat up on his knees and only then you see the arousal smeared across his chin and lips. the sight sent electric shocks up your spine, breath hitching in your throat. he looked so fucking hot like this. he gave you no time to be embarrassed about it, wiping the slick off his skin and licking it off his hands.

“c- choso, what-” you croaked, voice all raspy from your relentless moaning. choso didn’t reply, instead kissed you open mouthed - the taste of your arousal was still present on his tongue. in the back of your mind, you thought about how dirty it was and yet so thrilling, eliciting a hunger for him. desperately, you were tugging at his shirt, trying to get it off. you were struggling, huffing in frustration as he didn’t budge. choso laughed, pecking your lips apologetically before taking it off along with his pants. even in the dim light you could make out the bulge in his pants, a testament of much he wanted you. the sight made you salivate, your pussy clenching around nothing. he took notice of your dazed look, grabbing your chin to tilt it up. “are you sure you want this? do you want me?”

you nodded quickly, eyes widening at his question. “of course, i want you, never wanted anything more. please, choso.”

“you have me, all of me,” he retorted, a tender look in his eyes. again, your heart clenched. just one more time you would get to see him like this, pretend he really was your lover. but when he looked at you with so much adoration in his eyes, it was hard to believe that there wasn’t a spark between you. unbeknownst to you, choso had always looked at you with stars in his eyes, hoping that you would return the sentiment. no matter how hard he was keeping his feelings at bay, the cracks were widening, allowing more and more feelings to seep through. with each touch, each word that you exchanged, the dam was weakening and threatening to spill everything that he was keeping inside.

choso gently pressed you back down onto the mattress, fingers fumbling with the condom that he’d pulled out of his jeans. you watched with fascination as he put it on, not being able to take your gaze of it. he grinned, deciding to indulge you, pressing his cock against you. arousal was still leaking from you, allowing him to easily slide against you. deliberately, he nudged the head against your clit until you couldn’t take it anymore. you wiggled your hips, signaling him to do something, do put you out of your misery. choso glanced at you for permission, suddenly seeming to be nervous himself. you gave him a small nod, leaning up to cradle his cheeks and kiss him. choso began to push, slowly slipping past your folds and- the stretching burn, it was there again and made you tense up.

choso grasped your hands, intertwining them and showered your face with kisses, whispering sweet nothings and encouragement. the feeling was familiar and yet strange at the same time, the girth of his fingers were nothing compared to his cock. it was a tight fit; you were aware of him, so aware of him. muffled, you heard choso telling you to relax, that he didn’t want to hurt you, to take your time. he was still pushing, distracting you from the uncomfortable pain with kisses. with one last thrust, he’s pushed the entirety of him in you. faintly, you could feel pain gradually ebbing away. the fullness of him, the throbbing; you clenched around him, a quiet moan leaving your lips as choso’s hips jerk in response.

“you okay? can i move now?” he whispered against your lips. you nodded, feeling choso smile against your lips. your breath hitched in anticipation as he pulls out ever so slightly before thrusting back in. you let out a whimper at the sudden thrum of incoming pleasure, hands squeezing his. choso thrusted his length in and out of you slowly, still wanting you to get used to it. the drag of it against your walls, the way his cock ever so slightly bumped against that spot inside of you that made your body sing - you sobbed out his name, hips tilting up to meet his movements. choso had no qualms obliging to your unspoken wants, upping the pace once he’s made sure you felt comfortable.

slowly, his inhibitions fell apart upon seeing you desperately cling onto him, moaning out his name as he pulled out and drove back in, deeper than before. you saw stars when he hit the spot inside of you, burying himself inside of you completely. it’s been a short amount of time but choso was quick to figure out what made you shake in pleasure in particular, memorizing every little nudge and wiggle that would have you gasp out his name. the closeness, the intimacy, it easily beat everything else that you’ve ever done before but it was now that you realized that no one could compare to choso. while your initial goal was to simply learn and gain some experience, somewhere along the way, you veered off the path. perhaps your goal was never to find out what it was like engaging in sexual activities but rather to experience it with someone you loved. it was then that you realized you didn’t care about these things unless you could experience them with choso.

while choso was no stranger to having people in his bed, the sight of you was one he would never be able to get out of his head again. how your moans and whimpers were getting more frequent with each thrust, how you were sobbing his name whenever he hit particularly deep inside of you, how your small hands were holding onto his, how you clenched around him whenever he praised you. he wanted to keep you for himself, to impale himself in you in such ways that you could never look at other people the same way anymore. “i- i’m close,” you hiccuped between sobs, back lurching from the bed. “choso, p- please, i wanna cum, i-”

“i’ve got you, princess,” he assured you, diving down to kiss you feverishly. relentlessly, his hips pistoned against yours, desperate to make you cum. choso couldn’t hold back any longer, he was close, so close. wanting to cum with you, he reached down to rub your clit. your reaction was almost instantaneous, legs pressing against his side as you came, his name on your lips like a prayer. he came with you, burying his face in the crook of your neck as groans left his lips, mixed with your name and curses. his hips stuttered as they pressed against you one last time, staying in place until he’s spilled all of him in the condom. you felt like you were floating, still dazed from the intensity of your orgasm. absentmindedly, you wrapped your arms around his neck, hand absentmindedly playing with the hair at his nape. choso let out a noise, akin to a cat’s purr, nudging his head against your hand. his gesture made you giggle and you strained your neck to press a kiss against his forehead.

slowly, choso removed himself from you, letting out a breathy laugh as you protested. you made grabby hands at him but he simply tutted, disappearing in the bathroom to dispose of the condom and came back with a wet towel. it felt comforting, the warmth of the towel as well as his gentle touches, lulling you into a sleepy state. it didn’t take long for him to join you again once he was done, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his chest like the countless times he’s done so before. “how are you feeling? i didn’t hurt you, did i?”

you shook your head, trying to find the right words. in the end, nothing came into your mind to appropriately tell him how mind blowingly good he made you feel so you just settle with: “felt good, really good. didn’t hurt, jus’ felt uncomfortable at first. but you made it okay, it’s okay when it’s with you.”

“i see,” choso let out a relieved breath, laughing as you blinked at him stunned. you looked adorable, still floating and coming down from your high. “i’m glad i was your first, glad i could do it justice. just wanted you to feel good.”

“mhmm, thank you,” you slurred sleepily, arms wrapping around his waist. you felt so warm and loved, not wanting to let go of the feeling just yet. “can we do it again some other day? you promised to show me what you still wanted to do to me.”

“y/n, sweetheart, when will you be coming to visit us again? i know it’s your summer break right now and you’re busy but we thought it might be nice to go on a short family trip. what do you think?” your mother pleaded over the phone. you could see her pout on the screen, her attempt at guilt tripping you into visiting more. truthfully, you felt bad about not having been able to see your family so much - the amount of assignments and final exams was swamping you and you just wanted to get through them before going on vacation. that and the fact that you couldn’t properly look them in the eyes anymore ever since being with choso.

you just couldn’t let go of him, nor could you admit your feelings to him, in fear it would make him uncomfortable. it was irrational, reckless even, to keep paying for a service you technically didn’t need anymore. simply to keep a person you had feelings for around for longer. nobara and maki didn’t know about this either, you knew they would have your head as soon as you confessed. it was irrational and you knew it. and yet it was so hard to let go. with every waking moment, you craved choso, his tenderness and loving gaze, the warmth of his arms, the domesticity that the two of you shared, how natural it seemed when you spent time together. and so you kept returning to him, over and over again

“i’m sorry, mum, i’m just really busy right now. but i promise i’ll let you know when i’m free, okay? i’m sure we can find a fitting date for the trip,” you attempted to soothe your mother, giving her an apologetic smile. she rolled her eyes at you playfully but shrugged it off, knowing that you didn’t mean anything by it. before you could tell her goodbye, your mother suddenly stopped you, waving at the screen.

“sweetheart, one of my friends- her son, i told him about you. he’s a very nice young man and i think you would get along well. when you come visit us, i’ll introduce him to you, yeah?” she explained, a giddy smile creeping onto her lips. “i’ve told him a little about you and your father doesn’t mind either. he has a good background too, i’m trying not to swoon.” she giggled as if she was the one who was to be set up on a date with him.

your eyes widened ever so slightly at her revelation but what shocked you more was that choso had seemingly heard what your mother had said. he was still sleeping when your mother had called you, so you hid in the kitchen to talk, not wanting to disturb his sleep. he stood in the doorway, blinking at you confused. you made sure to turn a little so your mother couldn’t see him. “mum, i told you i’m not really interested yet and want to go at my own pace-”

“honey, i know but the opportunity was just there. i couldn’t pass it up and you can still reject him, no? just try to meet him at least once.”

you sighed. “we’ll talk about it again when i’m home, okay? but don’t put too much hope in it, please.”

“i know, i know. i’ll talk to you again another day. love you, sweetheart,” your mum said goodbye to you and hung up. you groaned, tossing your phone to the side and buried your face in your hands. choso was not supposed to hear any of that. even though you two weren’t really in a relationship, and he had assured you that he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, keeping his work at accompanying clients only, you still felt like you were somewhat betraying him. you felt choso’s presence moving behind you, then his arms wrapping around you, his chin being placed on your head. you couldn’t see the slightly irritated look in his eyes, the jealous glint that told you he didn’t want you to look at anyone but him.

“your mum seems to be eager to find you a partner,” he commented amused. you groaned, swatting at his arm.

“i don’t know why they’re suddenly so persistent after not deeming anyone as suitable for years,” grumbling, you turned slightly, pressing a kiss to choso’s chin. “i’m not really in the mood to go on dates just yet, so she’ll have to deal with it.”

“not in the mood for dates?” choso echoed, pinching your cheek. “not even with me?”

you whined, burying your face in his chest. you didn’t want to let him see how his words excited you. “no, i’m always in the mood for you, for dates with you.”

“that’s good to know. we’re going out later after all,” choso laughed, combing his fingers through your hair. “i did promise to take you to the beach and teach you how to surf.”

one of the reasons you didn’t come visit your parents immediately when your summer break began was because you’d already planned a short trip with choso. weeks ago choso had proposed you’d go to the beach together and you were thrilled by the idea, not having been by the sea in years. you’d rented a little cabin by the beach for the two of you while choso had prepared everything for the car ride. the car ride would be rather long but you weren’t worried about it at all - in the beginning, you’d been apprehensive, rather awkward with him. he eased you into everything, showing you not to be scared of relationships and to just be yourself. conversation was easy with him as if you’d been long term friends, with no worries or restrictions. for weeks, you’d looked forward to the trip, to spend more time with him.

the car ride was filled with laughter and calming music, you shared stories and secrets with each other, you fed him the snacks that you’d made the night before. you felt blissful, happily ignoring all the consequences that might be coming your way - you wanted to enjoy your time with him as much as you could. the dance that the two of you were engaging in, it was romantic and felt so domestic, while skirting around the important issue. inspecting your intertwined hands, you clasped your other free hand around his, rubbing the skin gently. choso shot you a concerned, questioning look but you brushed him off, assuring that nothing was wrong. “i’m just happy to be sharing this uh… boyfriend experience with you, really. i wouldn’t wanna do it with someone else.”

choso shot you a wistful smile, lifting your hand to press a kiss on it. “i’m glad you feel that way. you deserve only the best, someone who treats you like the princess that you are.”

the feeling of the grainy sand below you, wind blowing your hair in every direction, sun on your skin, water splashing against your shins - you felt like suddenly all your worries were washed away. you were still running through the shallow water, giggling as you saw choso catching up on you. upping your speed, you jumped through the water until he managed to grab you by your wrist, pulling you into his chest. he lifted you up, twirling you around in his arms a few times before setting you back on your feet, leaning in to kiss you. “you can’t just run away like that, all our stuff is still stranded over there,” he scolded you, playfully flicking your forehead. you glanced behind you, seeing how choso had already placed all the towels, cooler and bags on the beach chairs.

“it’s okay, we have the beach to ourselves anyways,” you retorted cheekily. choso couldn’t argue, instead rolled his eyes. the beach house that you had rented for the weekend was on the outskirts of the city, a rather quiet spot that also had a private beach. the paranoia that your parents might possibly spot you somewhere was running deep and so you didn’t want to risk anything. choso could teach you how to surf in peace, without any bystanders or crowded spaces. but now that you were sitting on the beach chair, you noticed that choso’s mind seemed to be elsewhere as he clumsily fumbled with the bags. you gnawed at your bottom lip, hoping that your earlier conversation with your mother wasn’t on his mind.

“you okay there? can i help you with anything?”

“huh? yeah,” choso answered after a second of processing, shaking his head. “uh i just get distracted looking at you. you look good in that bikini.”

“oh shut up,” you retorted but hid your face from him, still growing bashful even though you were used to him complimenting you out of nowhere. he shot you a wink, resuming his work. “but… choso, you can talk to me if anything bothers you, you know that?”

“yeah, i know… but don’t worry, i think this is something i have to figure out for myself first before i tell anyone,” he padded over, kissing your forehead. “but i appreciate it.”

deciding to drop the topic, you joined him, watching how he demonstrated his surfing skills. if he didn’t want to talk about it, you would respect it; and maybe, just maybe, he would open up to you about it. you watched as choso surfed through the waves, the sight filling you with bright happiness. he looked so happy to be surfing again, the usual tired look on his face wiped away as if it had never been there in the first place. he looked like he was truly at home, comforted and surrounded by the crashing waves. you understood what he meant by being distracted - choso looked good in his trunks as well, the water drops that were rolling down his body, his exposed upper body, the way his loose, slightly damp hair was falling over his face. you very much enjoyed the sight and almost felt creepy for staring so much.

as per usual, choso was a wonderful teacher, remaining calm and patient while he gave you instructions, comforting you when you weren’t doing so well and was always right by your side encouraging you. you hadn’t had this much fun in a while, especially not with someone other than from your close friend circle. it was easy to lose the track of time when being with him, all your thoughts and anxieties washed away like the seashells at the shore. by the end of the day, you were utterly exhausted, your muscles feeling like jelly. as you laid on the bed, you still felt like you were rocked and swayed back and forth by the waves. it was relaxing, almost lulling you into a deep slumber if it wasn’t for the sound of the running shower and choso’s humming. you opened the window, before returning to bed, wrapping the blanket around you. the sound of waves sloshing against the shore echoed through the room, making you feel like you were actually sleeping at the beach.

it didn’t take long for choso to return; you felt the bed dip beside you before you heard him. pretending to be asleep, you waited until he said anything but were instead greeted with a kiss on your nape. you squirmed a little, the feelings of his lips tickling the sensitive skin. a giggle broke from your lips, unable to stay silent any longer. “did i make you wait for too long?” he asked quietly, grabbing you by the hips to turn you around to face him. you shook your head and gave him a smile, leaning in to peck his lips. “no but i did miss you. did i tell you that i now get what you meant by being distracted? you looked really hot in your trunks and so serious while giving me instructions.”

“ah, really?” choso hovered over you, placing his hands beside your head. you’d only offered simple compliments but he was already so fired up, making you grin. “you can’t just tell me that and expect me not to do anything. don’t you know that i’m always hungry for you? i’ll ravish you right here.”

“what if i want you to ravish me?” you bravely retorted, your voice slightly cracking at the end. rarely were you ever bold with him but at this moment, you might as well indulge him. as an reward for teaching you how to surf and being so patient about it. choso clicked with his tongue, pleased with your reply. before he could move, you suddenly felt an urge to go further, wanting to be the one to initiate intercourse for once. you placed your hands on his chest, pushing gently. he looked at you confused, cocking his head to the side. if it wasn’t for the hungry look in his eyes, you would’ve cooed at how adorable he looked. “uhm can i… suck you off for today? i mean you’re always the one who- who makes me feel so good and i know you said you liked it but i just wanted to return the favour…”

choso short circuited at your request, momentarily leaving his mouth wide open as he stared at you. “y- yeah of course, if that’s what you want,” he spluttered hastily, sitting up on his knees. feeling giddy, you shuffled off the bed, positioning yourself at the edge of the bed and waiting for him to move. choso gulped, slowly moving towards the edge. he leaned down to kiss you, your hands snaked towards the waistband of his sweatpants, some doubt overcame you again, slowing your movements. sensing your hesitation, he patted your head and ruffled your hair. “you don’t have to do it, if you feel too nervous about it.”

“no, i want to, really,” you assured him, grasping the waistband and dragging it down. choso lifted his hips slightly, helping you remove his pants. his boxers followed soon after. gently, you wrapped your hands around his semi-hard cock, giving it some gentle strokes. choso exhaled shakily, leaning back on his hands as he kept his watchful eyes on you. you leaned in, flattening your tongue against the underside, running your tongue over the underside, tracing it until you reached the cockhead. gingerly, you gave it a few kitten licks before wrapping your lips around it. hands still stroking him, you delved in, taking as much as much as you could. choso tilted his head back, moaning loudly. it spurred you on, eagerly you bopped your head against him, paying close attention to the sensitive head as you licked and sucked at it. curiously, you licked the slit, tasting the precum on it. the taste was unfamiliar, nothing like you’d ever had before but you weren’t sure what to make of it. but you weren’t grossed out by it, thankfully.

choso’s hips jerked when you touched a particularly sensitive spot, not being able to control his own body anymore. usually, he was more composed, holding himself back for the sake of you - immediately, he stopped and apologized, staring at you with wide eyes. “fuck, i’m so sorry, that wasn’t meant to happen. did i hurt you?” he cupped your cheek, guiltily examining you.

“‘m okay, don’t worry about it. it just surprised me a little, that’s all. but if it’s what you like… i uh, don’t mind,” you reassured him.

“f- fuck, you can’t just say that because i will and-”

“like i said, i don’t mind. i want to make you feel good too.” reluctantly, choso nodded and relaxed again, letting you proceed. you were eager to make him cum, enthusiastically moving your head along the shaft. you welcomed choso’s shallow thrusts, glancing up to watch his reactions. his skin was beautifully flushed, eyes were closed, groans muffled as he bit his bottom lip. you struggled to take his cock in deeper, instead wrapping your hands around the parts you couldn’t reach. when choso’s thrusts got sloppier, you could tell that he was getting close.

“y/n, fuck- i’m gonna- wait, you-” unable to finish his sentence, he moaned, hips stuttering again as you swirled your tongue around the sensitive tip. you suckled on his length eagerly, hands pumping the base faster and choso couldn’t keep it in any longer, coming with a loud moan. you continued suckling on the tip, helping him through his orgasm until he’s spilled all of him in your mouth. sitting back on your knees, you removed yourself from him.

eyes wide and glossy, you looked up at him as he pulled away slightly so he could look at you. choso brushed your hair back, then lifted your chin up, tapping your bottom lip. "show me," he said in a low, hoarse voice, patiently waiting until you opened your mouth and showed him. showed him his cum that was still pooling on your tongue. a few seconds passed until he finally reacted - just the sight of you on your knees, obediently following his orders and showing him your work had his insides stirring with something dark, possessive. "swallow," he whispered, adoringly cupping your cheek as you eagerly swallowed. your face felt hot, whether by embarrassment or pride, you didn't know. quietly cursing, he pulled you up while leaning down, meeting your lips halfway.

unceremoniously, choso dropped you on the bed, making you giggle quietly as you bounced on the mattress. hovering over you, he captured your lips in yet another kiss. you wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging him to your body. choso pressed his groin against yours, experimentally rolling his hips to elicit a reaction from you. burying your face into the crook of his neck, you couldn’t help but writhe from the pleasure - and even though you’ve been sleeping with each other, you still felt too shy to ask him for… more. how could you express what exactly you wanted when you were craving all of him? when you wanted to engrave everything into your brain; the feeling of his body against yours, his touch, the sweet as well as the dirty words he whispered into your ear. it was almost unfair how easily he could draw a reaction from you, as if he’d memorized every little aspect about you already.

choso nipped at your neck, about to leave a mark when you frantically pushed at his chest. “no visible marks, i told you!” you reminded him, almost feeling bad when you saw his disappointed face. but rules were rules, you didn’t want your parents to find out you were sneaking around with someone; you were barely able to look into their eyes as is. he huffed against your neck, burying his face in the crook of your neck in frustration. seconds passed without a reaction before he finally sat up on his knees, hands reaching out to tug on your shirt. “but everywhere else is fine, hm?” he mused, dragging his warm hands across your chest to your shoulder to push the fabric off.

“i- i guess,” you spluttered, barely having any time to react as he’s already moved on, lavishing your breasts with kisses while leaving a trail of hickeys on them. you whimpered, hips rolling up against his. through your panties, you could feel the outlines of his cock; the anticipation of him filling you up made you salivate. choso was quick to remove your panties and rolling a condom on upon hearing your desperate whimpers that were urging him to move faster. no matter how many times you’d already slept together, he could never get enough of you - you made him feel like a teenager again, like he was constantly insatiable and hungry for you. judging from the look in your eyes, you seemed to feel the same way.

choso angled his cock against your entrance before sinking in, moaning in unison with you. he grasped your hands, pinning them against the pillows as you reached out, trying to touch him. you sobbed in disappointment, just wanting to feel him but choso was having none of it. the complaint was quickly forgotten when he started thrusting, the sound of his hips smacking against yours filling the room. he was diligent, hitting that spot inside you over and over again, enjoying how your legs that were wrapped around his waist were trembling. you were drowning, drowning in him, in the pleasure he so graciously provided you. choso painted your chest with marks, placing them dangerously close to where they would be peeking out underneath clothes. he knew you didn’t want anyone to see them but fuck, he wanted people to keep their hands away from you, wanted them to know that you were his.

you sung his praises, hips quickly bucking against his as he buries himself in you to the hilt. he filled you up so well, always dragging against your walls so deliciously. almost feral, choso fucked you harder, putting all his frustrations and emotions into the strength of his thrusts. it left you feeling breathless, clenching around him hard as you climbed higher and higher. never had choso fucked you like this before, like he was trying to prove something - you sobbed, tears springing forth from the intensity. it felt good, so good and you wanted to cum so bad, wanted to release. the pleasant warmth was spreading throughout your body, almost unbearably hot as you neared your climax. it erupted within you explosively, leaving you writhing in a babbling, incoherent mess. for many moments, your orgasm wrecked through you, making you see white and stars. in your euphoria, you didn’t notice how choso had cummed with you, whispering sweet praises in your ear as he rode you through your high. you didn’t notice how he disappeared, returning with a wet towel as per usual, how he kisses away the tears at the corner of your eyes. through your hazy mind, you could tell that he wrapped the blanket around you before disappearing again.

it took you a while to return back to your senses, marvelling about the sex you just had. what had possessed choso in that moment? could it be because you’d offered to suck him off? or was he so pent up the entire day? the click of the door made you lift your head towards the source of the sound, cooing when you saw choso padding towards you. he yawned quietly, crawling under the blanket and wrapping his arms around you. "exhausted?" you questioned him, nuzzling into him.

"mhmm, i feel like i could sleep in until noon tomorrow," as usual, he ran his fingers along your spine, drawing shapes on your back. sometimes you thought you could feel him spelling something out on your skin but the touches were always so fleeting that it was impossible for you to make it out. whatever it was, he must've been too wary or scared to share it with you. you were reminded of your earlier conversation - choso still hadn't said anything so you wanted to bring it up, not wanting any issues to arise between you.

"choso? do you want to talk about what was wrong earlier? i know you said you wanted to think about it, but i was wondering…"

choso interrupted you. "are you going to go on a date with the guy that your mum mentioned this morning?"

you shot him a bewildered look. so he had been thinking about it. you hesitated, not sure what to tell him. should you be upfront and tell him how you feel? or give him a mild version, so he didn't feel cornered by you?

"i'm… i'm not sure yet. the thought of going on a date with someone else is kind of daunting but i think i'll do it just so my mum's happy."

"i see." uncomfortable silence seeped between the two of you. you could tell that choso was irritated, the frown on his face clearly indicating it. and yet, he didn't elaborate, leaving you to figure out what he meant by that. not daring to move, you stayed still, waiting for him to continue. choso sighed, placing his forehead against yours. "i think this is selfish of me but i can't stand the thought of seeing you with someone else. i wish… i wish it was only me that you looked at."

"you don't want me to go on a date with him?"

"yeah. i- i can't tell you why that is. it's selfish and dumb, hence why i didn't want to tell you. and it's not something that you should worry about. i'm just your escort after all, there's nothing more between us."

his words stung. even though it was the truth, the words still stung, driving a knife right into your heart. it was the very thing that nobara and maki had warned you about. but here you were, heart breaking in a million pieces. perhaps it was the fact that choso didn't tell you the reason, didn't seem to trust you with it, that made you recoil immediately. the walls around your heart were immediately put back into place, safeguarding you from any further harm. he wasn’t obligated to tell you anything and you knew that - there was probably also another reason why he felt that way. any further digging would probably make him recoil as well, it wouldn’t do you any good. whatever was growing between you, it had to stop now. choso simply saw you as a client, probably had been this entire time. again, you were reminded of the fact that he might have been acting this entire time, none of the affection he showed you ever being real.

“i- yeah… i guess,” you replied dejectedly, looking away from him. “i’ll figure it out with him, don’t worry. i’ll just keep my mum happy with it, there’s nothing more to it.”

choso bit his lip, refraining from replying to it any further. you already knew more than you were ever supposed to, he should have never let it slip that he didn’t like seeing you with other potential love interests. it pained him to keep this hidden, keep it a secret from you - but the less you knew, the better. he couldn’t imagine you being okay with being in a relationship with him while he was still an escort, nor did he think that your parents would be thrilled about it. from what you’d revealed to him, he could tell that they treasured you and wanted to minimize any possible harm as much as possible. and that included hand-picking a suitable partner for you. he might never be what your parents envisioned for you and he might never become your love interest so every session that you booked was a blessing to him.

sighing, he placed one last kiss on your cheek before wishing you a good night. but even when he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, he was wide awake, not being able to stop the onslaught of thoughts.

weeks passed without you ever contacting choso again. your resolve would have never been this strong, hadn’t nobara intervened. while you were moping and still feeling restless, helpless even, she made sure to delete his number and made you take care of the bills before cutting off contact entirely. normally, she would have commented on it - but seeing how you were struggling through your first heartbreak, she decided to let it be. and because maki wouldn’t have hesitated to have her head if you’d ever snitched. maki had encouraged you to take your mind off things, dragging you along to some of the sports classes she attended. it did lift your mood ever so slightly, much to your surprise, it was more fun that you’d originally anticipated. maki attended so many different classes that seemed so intense that you were scared to join at first. in between the classes, you spent more time with your friends. gradually you opened up to them, explaining them the entire issue with choso and how you had struggled to let go. you told them one by one, until it was finally time to let megumi know.

out of everyone, megumi scared you the most - not because he was intimidating or violent but because you knew how he would react. he’d most definitely be upset about it because he was protective over his friends, not wanting them to be harmed in any way. you’d pleaded that at least nobara should tag along to knock some sense into him, should he snap - but megumi’s reaction surprised you. when you finished your story, he was awfully quiet. you assumed he was boiling in anger, reaching out to appease him but he was frowning, making a contemplative face. “uh listen, i think that choso’s yuuji’s brother.”

“he’s what?” nobara’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. megumi had recently started going out with someone that he’d met during work and though he hadn’t introduced you to said person yet, you did know that his name was yuuji.

“yuuji’s brother. i haven’t met him yet but he’s been complaining about his brother for weeks now,” megumi explained, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “choso’s an escort, right? it has to be yuuji’s brother. i’ve stayed over at yuuji’s place a couple of times… yuuji was venting, asking me about advice on how to get his brother out of a rut. apparently, choso’s been affected by this uh… somewhat breakup as well. yuuji’s suggested to him that he should reach out to you to talk but he said something about his work and your parents...”

“huh. what an interesting coincidence…” nobara mumbled but narrowed her eyes at you. “but you’re not going back to him, right?”

all the blood in your body froze. why had choso brought up your parents? they had never been a part of your relationship, you had only told him how overprotective they were and how they liked choosing your partners and friends for you. could it be?

“no, i don’t think so. i’m… very conflicted about our feelings to each other. it was stupid to give into my feelings for him in the first place. i hired someone to act as my fake boyfriend, someone who does this for a living. i think they know better than to catch feelings for their clients,” you sighed frustrated, shaking your head. there was no way in hell this situation could ever turn back around, even if you now knew that choso had also been affected. and still, he never reached out to me, you thought bitterly.

“i think you should talk it out though, if he does reach out to you,” megumi chimed in, awkwardly patting your shoulder in an attempt to comfort you. “from what yuuji’s told me, it does seem like his feelings are genuine. he didn’t outright push you away, right? who knows what could happen?”

in the end, you couldn’t help but confess to your parents. secrets were bound to be revealed one way or another and you figured it was better you opened up before they found out from someone else. the uncomfortable silence that spread through your apartment created a gloomy atmosphere; the tension was thick and palpable, making you shuffle in your seat in unease. your father hadn’t uttered any word while your mother had completely lost it, not understanding why you hadn’t instead chosen one of the boys she’d always introduced you to.

“all this time you were seeing this boy? and not once did you let us know. i could have asked my friend if they knew someone, their sons are so nice-”

“mum, i already told you i wanted to find someone on my own without having my options being presented to me on a silver plate. and you’re always so disappointed when i end up rejecting them after going through all of the hassle,” you interrupted her, giving her a defiant look. it wasn’t often that you opposed your parents like this but you felt like it was needed - your mother didn’t understand you, nor did she try. you were an adult, for fuck’s sake. you were very much capable of making your own decisions and mistakes to learn from.

“and yet you went to hire an escort! why didn’t you go and meet some of your classmates? i don’t understand why you went such lengths and then even ended up falling in love with them! how would you even pursue a relationship with them?” your mother seethed at you, knuckles blanching from how hard she was gripping her handbag. your father placed a hand on hers, whispering some soothing words in her ear.

“darling, i think y/n knows well that she’s made a mistake and is hurting from it. we don’t need to add to the stress, do we?” he assured her, then looking at you. “y/n, you know that i’m disappointed in you as well. but i don’t blame you for it, i think it’s partly my fault that you felt the need to hire an escort just to… gain some experience. i did take away all your possibilities of a relationship after all…”

“don’t encourage her! this problem won’t just be solved by you spoiling her again, do you know what kind of consequences it could h-”

a loud knock interrupted your mother’s rambling. you were confused - you didn’t expect anyone else for today. it was too late for someone to bring packages. who could it be? you excused yourself, padding towards the door to see who it was. you swore that you briefly suffered from a heart attack when the door swung open to reveal choso. he stared at you equally as stunned, seemingly not having expected you to open and greet him. “w- what are you doing here?” you asked, hating how shaky your voice sounded. how your heart soared, having missed his presence around you. the feelings had never been properly buried, only hidden by a thin layer of pretense that was now quickly being washed away.

“i’m sorry for just turning up unannounced… i was hoping- hoping to be able to talk to you for a bit? i wanted to explain myself,” choso replied, unaware of the two persons in your apartment that were straining their necks to be able to get a look at him.

you groaned. why now? the timing was just too comical, fate must really hate you. “i’m sorry, my parents are here right now. maybe, another t-”

“aha, so this is the boy my daughter has been sleeping with,” your mother appeared behind you, snarling at choso maliciously. panicking, your father had followed her quickly, holding her back by her arm. “you have some nerve appearing here as if nothing happened, what is it that you-”

“darling.” your father cleared his voice, shooting daggers at her. “there’s no need to be rude.”

swiftly, he introduced himself and your mother to choso, politely shaking his hand. choso remained calm, as usual, and introduced himself as well. if he was shocked by the entire ordeal, he sure didn’t show it. his face remained a perfect poker face, no emotions seeping through. “i wanted to talk to your daughter, ma’am. i assume she’s told you about our relationship and how we broke apart. there is no ulterior motive here, i just wanted to explain myself and talk it out.”

“that’s-!”

your father interrupted your mother again, not giving her another opportunity to spit venom at choso. “i think that is a good idea. though she has not opened up about everything, i can tell that she is hurting as much as you are. i believe a discussion would be very productive. but what is your intention? what are you going to do once you’ve explained yourself?”

suddenly, you felt like you were forgotten or invisible in the entire discussion. were they ignoring you? you were standing right there and yet no one was addressing you. you huffed, trying to pull their focus back on you. “nothing’s gonna happen, dad. there was nothing for us to work with and there won’t be.”

choso felt like he’d been slapped. he didn’t know what to make of your reaction but he came here for one reason only: to give you the closure that you deserved and he wasn’t going to leave until he accomplished just that. “i intend to apologize to her. judging from your wife’s reaction, you don’t seem to like me very much. i can’t imagine you would ever accept me, i know i don’t live up to your standards. i don’t deserve your daughter, she deserves so much more than what i can offer. and i’m aware of it. but if she’s willing to have me, i’ll try my very best to live up to your standards, to prove myself to you. i just want to be with her and make her happy. i’m in love with her and that’s what i intended to tell her.”

your heart stopped at his confession. all this time, choso loved you? megumi had been right all along. choso returned your feelings and he was here, so close and yet so far. dread filled you as you realized your parents could possibly drive him away, make him disappear from your life with just a snap of their fingers. you cherished choso more than you were aware of, the adoration running deep in your veins even when you were trying to reject him.

“i see. that’s reason enough for me. we’ve already let her have a piece of our mind, i don’t think she needs more telling off. my little girl has grown so much and it’s time to let her make her own decisions, growing and mistakes,” your father shot your mother a look. she’d calmed down, choso’s explanation seemingly having brought her back to her senses. she looked away, not wanting to look him in the eyes. “we’ll let you deal with this. but know that if she does take you back, i won’t go easy on you, alright? the bars are high and i don’t intend to lower them just because you love her. prove to me, that you’re worthy of her.”

“i will,” choso sounded so sure and confident that it made your father grin - you sure had found someone who took great care of you and wasn’t afraid to stand tall in front of your father. and that he liked, someone who wasn’t scared to back down from a challenge, someone who would be the perfect partner for you. as your parents said goodbye and left, he gave choso a pat on the shoulder before exiting the apartment, leaving the two of you to your own devices.

you didn’t know what to say, how to start. standing in the hallway was awkward but you couldn’t move just yet, instead wanting to hear what he had to say first. “you love me?” you croaked, your voice failing you. now that your parents were gone, you could freely show your emotions, not being able to hold the tears back any longer. choso panicked, fussing over you as you started to cry. furiously, you wiped the tears away with the sleeves of your sweater.

“i do. i uhm wish i had found a better way to tell you this. i figured that you probably thought that everything we did was simply a facade but i promise you that it was all real. i don’t know when exactly but i started falling for you along the way and it was hard… to remind myself that you were a client and i was just there to provide the service to you, you know? i had no right to get mad at you if you decided to go and see other people. and i wasn’t sure of your feelings for me, it was…” choso trailed off, struggling to find the right word but you knew what he meant and nodded, signaling him to continue. “i just didn’t want to tie you to me when you… when you might not like me back or even want to be with an escort.”

you sniffled quietly, wrapping your arms around him immediately, with such a speed that it almost knocked the air out of his lungs. confused, choso wrapped his arms around you, tucking your head under his chin and rubbing your back soothingly. he was relieved that you didn’t push him away at least and let him explain everything in one go. he felt more at ease now and was at peace with the decision to immediately leave and never butt in your life again in case you rejected him.

“all this time, i also loved you,” you mumbled, an upset frown on your face. “i- i just kept thinking that you’d never return my feelings and that you were just playing boyfriend because i hired you to do so and-”

you hiccuped, another sob tearing from your throat.

“when you told me not to go on that date and immediately followed it with you only being my escort and nothing more, it hurt me so much and i know it was stupid and childish of me to react in such a way but… i was just spiraling, i love you so much and didn’t know where to place the anxieties and negative feelings.”

choso shushed you quietly when your sobs grew more frequent and you let him pick you up, clinging onto him as he walked over to the couch and sat on it with you on his lap. “shh, you’re okay, we’re okay,” he mumbled against the crown of your head, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “i’m sorry i hurt you so much, i was not aware that you already liked me back then and that my words would have such an effect on you.”

over and over, choso apologized quietly until you calmed down, slumping against his chest. you stayed silent, trying to piece your thoughts and feelings back together so as to present him with a coherent and logical question. your mind was in shambles and you hoped that choso would at least get what you were hinting at. “so w- what do we do now? where do we- we go from here?”

“as i’ve already told your dad… if you’ll have me, i’ll make it up to you, all the hurt that i’ve caused you. i love you, so much. i want to be your boyfriend, and this time officially.”

“i like the sound of it,” you mumbled, tilting your head back to look at him. “will you be my boyfriend?”

“it would be an honour, princess.”

with a kiss, choso sealed the deal, easily catapulting you back on cloud nine. who would have thought that the escort you’d hired to be your fake boyfriend would turn out to be the prince charming you had always hoped for, surpassing even your wildest dreams and expectations. choso was everything you wanted and more - he was the person you wanted to wake up to every morning, the person you wanted to come home to. he was the person with whom you wanted to spend your life with, the person that loved you so unconditionally and never expected anything in return. you were lucky that he chose you, that he loved you back. out of all the persons in the universe, it was him.

he was perfect and he was yours.

p.s.: if you've made it until the end: thank you so much for reading!

[thehollowprince]

Let's talk about Wrongslide...

I've EXPRESSED before my disappointment (and anger) at Rockslide's death back during the X OF SWORDS event in 2020. And to add insult to injury, ever since his death at the hands of Summoner, we barely saw him... or, whoever was resurrected in his place.

In the most recent issue of X-Men: RED, we finally got to see this character, Wrongslide, as the kids call him, and he was no longer the barely-coherent, child-like character that was brought back. He spoke, and not only spoke, but spoke eloquently and showed that there was an actual character under the recognizable outer image.

Not to mention a self-awarness that we sometimes don't get from long established characters.

We have what is basically a new character (for all intents and purposes) openly acknowledging that his very presence causes emotional harm to those who knew Santo, not because of anything he did purposefully, but because or his resemblance to their friend.

The only other time I can recall something similar happening within the X-Books was when it came to Madelyne Pryor and the fact that she's a clone of Jean Grey. Most recently, in the early pages of Zeb Wells' HELLIONS run, where while not openly acknowledged, it was heavily implied that the reason the Quiet Council decided to not resurrect Maddie had to do with her appearance and how it made Jean and Scott feel. Nothing at all like what we've seen with Wrongslide, where we do get the former, but we also get acknowledgement from Wrongslide himself, as well as his thoughts on the matter.

And it makes me glad that we're finally talking about Death in an age of mutant immortality, recent events during the Hellfire Gala and the Eve of Judgment Day notwithstanding.

I was just as excited about the prospect of resurrection for mutants when Hickman took over the X-Office, if for no other reason than to see characters that were killed off for the shock value of it, characters that had so much potential and were now suddenly back on the board and ready to go. But along with that, we now had the moral quandary of "what next?"

What happens when death is meaningless?

We saw glimpses of it Si Spurrier's WAY OF X, with Kurt worried about what immortality was doing to mutants, particularly the children, with them treating it like a joke or a thrill. I'm glad for the conversation started in that book and I'm glad for the continuation of that conversation here. Not just with Wrongslide, but with Magneto on the Great Ring and Storm and the Galactic Council. While I was all for Storm telling off Orbis Stellaris, he did have a political point to counterweight the philosophical point.

What happens if your leaders can't die?

And as Magneto pointed out, he didn't want to end up like Moira, cracking under the weight of all those years and becoming an immortal despot.

Wrongslide answered those questions, the conversation flowing between all three parts (Magneto and the Great Ring, Storm and the Galactic Council ans Wrongslide and Sunspot) before the natural conclusion to the question of Death was said out loud.

It is life.

What is the purpose of life if it doesn't end? Do they all become like Sinister or Moira, obsessed with whatever they set their minds toward? I hope not. Personally, I love this whole issue (i love this whole run), because it acknowledges that life ends and starts again. And I love that Wrongslide openly says it.

I also love Berto's panicked expression

Overall, I love Wrongslide's take on the whole situation, particularly his specific circumstances where his progenitor died in Otherworld, thus paving the way for this lovely person we've now received. It offers a new perspective on death and life in a time where a lot of Marvel characters have "conquered" death.

And it brings me to my point (a point finally emerges), which is that the entire commentary of this issue reflects Marvel comics (really all comics) as a whole. We often mourn a character, not only when they die, but when they transfer from one writer to another, from one artist to another. We mourn the version of them that we've come to love, but they're just transitioning to the next stage of their "life", which will happen again, sooner or later.

There have been a number of characters that have changed hands where I've been either happy or sad at the new person controlling their strings. Quentin Quire, Akihiro, Betsy Braddock, Sabertooth, hell, even Sinister, have all gone from characters that I never particularly liked to characters I look forward to seeing. And that wouldn't have happened if they hadn't "died" and switched to a new creator.

It's like Tarot said during the X OF SWORDS event when Storm drew the Desth Card:

"Do not be afraid. This is not the card of failure and decay, but of the natural harvest. The season before can never come again. Metamorphosis."

So if there's a character you don't particularly like lately, whether it's how they're written or how they're drawn, just be patient and wait until their next Metamorphosis.

When all is said and done, even though I am still devastated by Rockslide's death and their (Marvel) general lack of dealing with it on an emotional level, I do enjoy this new incarnation and look forward to seeing him on Arakko in future issues of X-Men: RED as hinted at by Berto.

[plan-d-to-i]

I know what your coming from when you say Lan Xichen got manipulated and it wasn’t his fault and I sympathize with him also but I have 2 reasons why I just don’t like him.

1. When Lan Wangji went to Yiling and saw the Wen remnants I’m 100% certain he told his uncle and his brother that he saw old people and a toddler. Lan Xichen wouldn’t have believed him and I understand but when Lan Wangji came back with A Yuan he should have at least gave Lan Wangji the benefit of the doubt because their was physically an ill toddler in front of him. But he just never questioned where Lan Wangji got a toddler from??? To me it seems that he didn’t want to know if he was wrong.

2. He told Meng Yao about Lan Wangjis feelings toward Wei Wuxian. Throughout the text it was stated from everyone that Lan Wangji hated Wei Wuxian, no one should have known or suspected anything different, so why was he so certain that it was love, it just brings to reason that Lan Xichen told him. I understand that he wanted someone to confide in but to tell someone something so personal from his brother especially while grieving just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

To me Lan Xichen believed his sworn brother Meng Yao over Lan Wangji. He questioned Lan Wangjis morality but he himself saw how Lan Wangji scolded Wei Wuxian over demonic cultivation. He could have many reasons but he didn’t trust his own brother who he has grown up with and knowing him all his life. In the end he trusted Men Yao more and that’s why I don’t like him.

Re THIS post.

Hm...No. see I already linked a post there where item number 2 is addressed and dismissed. MXTX already clarified LXC is not to blame for JGY's conclusions RE: WangXian. She said LXC "actually doesn't really gossip", that's just JGY's skill gathering information NOT LXC just callously violating his little brother's trust by gossiping away about his love life w his sworn brother -I'll include it here again x

As for number 1 the Lans didn't join the siege on the Burial Mounds bc they were out for the blood of the Wen remnants. They didn't join a siege while WWX just vibing out there farming those couple of years. LXC spoke up for Wen Qing more than jc did. Wei Wuxian’s own former martial brother that he’d grown up with not only did not reveal his personal life-debt to the Wens he went and CUT ALL TIES WITH WWX after visiting the BM. jc declared him the enemy of the entire cultivation world! Imagine being LXC and seeing the dude WWX grew UP WITH, studied at CR with, say he wants nothing to do w him and wants no association w his actions!!

Unfortunately when the ambush at Qiongqi path happens and Wen Ning’s power is shown for all to see it lends credence to the fears about WWX. Still LWJ is at Koi tower w Lan disciples when WN & WQ are there to turn themselves in to speak up for them. Unfortunately Wen Ning loses control (understandable </3) and both Lan and Nie clan end up loosing disciples. Then WWX uses the Yin Hufu at Nightless city. No matter what LXC or LWJ's feelings on the matter are, at this point WWX is not just the man his little brother has a crush on, he's a guy in control of an incredibly powerful weapon and capable of refining unbeatable fierce corpses... Now to me WWX did nothing wrong ever, but the optics are bad and that aspect is abused by those who want to bring him down- the Jins for power and jc out of hate and desire for vengeance. Still it's clarified in the story that the siege could have gone on without the Lan (and Nie) Clans and the driving forces were Jin second only to YunmengJiang.

I agree that LXC trusts JGY's opinion- because he had no reason not to trust him. Everything JGY had done until that point in LXC's eyes made him seem like an upright person just struggling to make it in an unfair world that always tried to maliciously slander him and hold him down bc of his birth and JGY has proven himself to be a thoughtful, immensely intelligent person. But I disagree that when push came to shove LXC chose JGY over Lan Wangji. LWJ knows that he can go to LXC with his suspicions and LXC will investigate and LXC does. LWJ knows that no matter what his brother's feelings are for JGY he will be fair. They take WWX with them to the discussion conference precisely to do that. LXC shelters WWX even after it's revealed he's WWX AND he revokes JGY's jade token entrance. So no, he didn't ultimately trust JGY more than LWJ.