#i thought about it for winter break but i just don't have the mental energy

[irisintheafterglow]

welcome back to coparenting megumi with satoru (megs' birthday edition! because it's basically winter and i wanna write more found family fluff)

you're well aware that megumi is not a normal child.

you're reminded of it on a daily basis when he tells you about the low-level curses he spotted around the corner while he and tsumiki walked home from school. you're reminded when either you or satoru immediately go to the corner where he saw the curse and exorcising every curse within a four mile radius. you're reminded when he sees a dog and immediately wants to summon his divine dogs, even though his cursed energy isn't at a level where he can activate it without being wiped out for the rest of the day. but mostly, you're reminded on his birthdays that he was not born and will never be normal. still, satoru makes it his mission to give the boy what he calls a "bangin' birthday."

the other kids in his class would have their parents bring in cupcakes or goodies on their special day; megs, however, would probably argue that the other kids aren't deserving of the sweets you brought. so, on his 7th birthday, he's in class for barely an hour before you sign him out at the front desk. his eyes stare out the back window at the passing cityscape and he sips on a smoothie you had waiting for him when he met you at the front office.

"i thought you had a mission?"

"i called in a few favors and got today off," you reply happily, smiling wider when his fingers automatically grab your pinky. as you pull into the driveway of his first surprise, the tiniest gasp of realization leaves him and you wink at him through the rearview mirror. "recognize that sound, megs?" he nods furiously, throwing off his seatbelt as soon as the car is parked with excitement you'd never seen from him before. the barking coming from the house you've pulled up to only increases in volume while he practically runs up the front path and, with no warning, two gigantic dogs burst into the front yard and into the arms of the birthday boy.

"they still know me!" he beams as the two dogs nudge his face with their foreheads, sticking their nose against his clothes and licking stray drops of smoothie. "look, they still like me!"

"i see, megs," you say with a melancholy twist in your chest. even though he was becoming better at summoning his own divine dogs, you knew he missed the ones that helped him break his mental block in the first place. like no time had passed, megumi herds the dogs back into the house and they dutifully follow. you shoot your friend a text, thanking her for letting you use her house and letting him see the dogs she adopted all those years ago. while she worked in her office upstairs, she very generously gave you the rest of the first floor to use for birthday festivities. festivities, you noticed, were much more decorated than you previously planned it to be.

while megumi slips his shoes off at the door, the dogs race over to a gigantic box in the center of the dining room, barking furiously at it like it was an intruder. it's wrapped in shimmering, bright blue paper that gives you a headache the longer you look at it and looks suspiciously large enough to hide a 6-foot-something idiot. you knew you raised megs right when he's also immediately suspicious of the package, eyeing it with distaste as if he already knew what (or who) was inside.

"i'm guessing from your face that you didn't put that there," he remarks and you shake your head in acknowledgment. "any idea what's in it?" you swear you can hear a stupid giggle from inside the cardboard and you stifle a laugh.

"don't know," you say with fake indifference. "maybe it's a present from the dogs."

"it'd probably be hard for them to wrap seeing as they don't have thumbs," he states blankly, still frowning at the obnoxious wrapping paper. "wanna just put it somewhere to get it out of the way?"

"sure," you start, an idea popping into your head and a sly grin working its way onto your face. "i guess...i'll just throw it in my domain for now-"

"surprise!" as if on cue, the top of the box breaks open to reveal your very panicked boyfriend who despised portaling into your domain. he's wearing ridiculously oversized party glasses with frames shaped like balloons and his clothes are covered in metallic confetti that sprinkles onto your friend's floors. the dogs break into another bark-fest and satoru shushes them urgently; you break into giggles and help him step out of the box. "where's my favorite birthday boy?"

"why were you in there?"

"it's called a surprise, megumi. people have them when they want to have fun," he quips and you click your tongue, picking a stray piece of confetti from his hair. he murmurs an apology under his breath, kissing your forehead like he wasn't in bed with you a few hours earlier. "hi, gorgeous."

"hey, handsome. your limbs alright after being stuck in there?"

"a little creaky, but i'll survive," he reassures you, stretching out his ridiculously lanky arms as an example. his hand gestures to the ungodly amount of streamers and balloons that were much more than you'd bought last week. "i did a little redecorating."

"i see that," you chuckle. "alright, megs. you ready for your next birthday activity?" he looks up from his spot on the floor, where he'd somehow convinced the dogs to lay on either side of him.

"there's more?"

"mhmm, and it involves some strawberries from the fridge. you wanna help me wash them?" he nods and walks over to the fridge with the dogs trailing behind him. "there should be a strainer already in the sink."

"you still think we'll be able to make it to the park?" satoru asks quietly, pulling you into his arms and watching the winter sky become more unfriendly. "i can protect us from the rain, but a storm would probably ruin the atmosphere we've got goin' here."

"i agree," you murmur. a glance at the mirror shows megumi standing on a stool in front of the sink, sneaking washed berries to the dogs. "though, i don't think he'd mind just staying here."

"i also agree. i can order some lunch and go pick it up while dessert bakes. i need to go grab tsumiki, anyway," he suggests. "she can help me pick out matching cozy sweaters for when we watch a movie."

"i think megs would rather die than wear a matching sweater with you, sweetheart."

"true," he concedes. "but i'll do that, then. need anything else while i'm out?"

"no, just for you to get back faster."

"i'll be here before you can even blink, beautiful."

"are we making me a birthday cake?" megumi calls from the kitchen, finally noticing the ingredients stacked neatly on the island counter. "and does that mean i can throw food at satoru?"

"if you can get him to turn off infinity, then sure," you reply. your boyfriend makes a face of betrayal and you stick your tongue out at him. "tell him it's for your birthday present."

"gojo, i know what i want for my birthday!"

if you enjoy my writing and would like to support me, you can buy me a coffee on my ko-fi! you can also check out my full masterlist here :)

[astroyongie]

Aespa April Reading 2024

Note: please take it lightly

Karina

Love: As I have said on discord, I do believe that Karina is still dating that actor and that the news released were simply to shut the public's annoying comments about their relationship. his strong presence is still all over her energy and she doesn't seem to be heart broken whatsoever 

Career: She is a little confused and upset that her dating news have affected her image and the group’s. She bçames herself a little but she is also upset with the management team of the company for allowing this to come out more than it should have been. Karina is the type that doesn't like to tangle her love life with her professional one

Self: She is doing okay, mentally and physically she is doing fine. Karina is also building  a lot of character within herself and she has been feeling less and less patient when it comes to mistreatment and unfairness 

Giselle

Love: Things between her and the person she was seeing (and which was exclusive) is finished. Giselle is rather heartbroken by it because she was starting to get attached and develop feelings but that neither person has decided to call it quits. she is rather on a more sad energy due to this set back 

Career: She is trying to focus on her career, however it feels like Giselle wants to try something new for her (she wants to try other stuff and not only singing and dancing). i have no idea if that project of hers will come to fruition but for now she is trying to get some opportunities involving this new page on her career

Self: Her mental health is tangled with a lot of thoughts that aren't good for her. She often has negative self-talk and she is restraining herself for no reason. There’s a lot of psychosomatic reaction from her body that are just her emotional side manifesting 

Winter

Love: Nothing has changed since February. Winter is still dating the same person and still having complications in her relationship with them. due to the over codependency they have both enabled (trauma bounded perhaps) and also the arguments and miscommunication that are making the relationship complicated. but none of them wants to call it quits. 

Career: She isn't very happy with her current situation at her work. It feels like she's a little tired with her schedules and that it feels too repetitive for her (since she wants something new for her career and also an opportunity to show more sides of her idol image). Winter is also dream fed by her sponsor which isn't helping 

Self: Both her body and her mind are on the verge of collapsing. I feel like she hasn't been eating much and the pressure and responsibilities down on her shoulders could make her break at any moment. she has too much too unpack and havent had the opportunity to princess anything 

Ningning

Love: Girly is still dating the same person she was seeing in february and everything is going fine between them. She is secure financially and emotionally and they also have a good relationship altogether. There isn't much to add in this other that she is happy and fulfilled. 

Career: Ningning is also probably the only one that is rather satisfied with her current status. She ain't wishing for more and she is happily content with what she has at the moment. i don't feel like she is eager for more because she knows the work it requires and therefore she prefers to enjoy things as they are now 

Self: She is okay, both mentally and physically. She is working a lot on herself and on her skills as well. Ningning is someone that keeps improving day by day, as an artist but also as a human as she wants to be the best version of herself.

[sunnywalnut]

Hey. i've been working on some things and wanted to send this.

Have you washed your epidermis, and are the soap(s) you use effective/non-irritant? Run a vacuum over the carpetting of your room? Run a wettened cloth over shelves to reduce the dust/bacteria? Washed the dishes you used today? Air-ed out the smell from your clothes, dusted the sweatstains/your armpits with baking soda? Done the dental hygiene? Hydrated (fresher breath), gotten your micronutrients? Stretched/physical activity? Played a fun show on the TV (yo gabba gabba on roku)? Gone to the library with your Mom or someone else? Found an article to send to your Mom/asked if that's something she might like? Found a self-esteem/mental-health specialist whose communication style you vibe with?

Sometimes we forget to care for ourselves (when we feel especially down or out of sorts.)

So a friendly reminder!

Hello friend!

I want to apologize for taking this long to respond, as I don't regularly get asks!

That being said, to answer each of your questions one by one,

-yes I have. Within the cold winter months, my skin is very prone to drying out and breaking out however I use Native brand body wash and it helps a TON! I also use it for my hair and it works very well. Very much recommend. And also moisturizing regularly. I think some people could benefit from lotioning their whole body after a shower, especially if their skin is very sensitive/dries out. Sometimes it's not the soap itself, just the lack of oils!

-i do not have very much carpet, however you did remind me to sweep today so thank you! Pet hair is WILD.

-i very much did wipe down my shelves, as well as some tables and counters, something I've been putting off because I'm just a little bit of a procrastinator.

-I did a load of dishes today!! Usually it is something I struggle with due to my muscles and joints in my hands, but today I was able to and I am proud.

-honestly, I have never thought of doing that before. Will have to keep that in mind! Thank you for the idea.

-i am very proud to say that I am about two weeks into brushing my teeth every single day. Sometimes I even do it in the shower when my legs decide they're on limited warranty. It's helped quite a lot, actually.

-thankfully my mom keeps us very well stocked with bottled water so I never forget to go without(thanks, Mom!) I actually tend to prefer it now that we have a ready supply.

-been trying to add more protein and fats to my diet lately and be more mindful of other things, so yes! I have more energy than I used to as well as growing stronger muscles^^

-I'm not really one for TV shows, however when i do, I usually watch them with my little sibling. Our current favorites are Adventure Time and The Amazing World Of Gumball. I think they're very impressive(TAWOG for the multimedia style, and AT for its ability to create complex characters that I enjoy)

-i haven't been to a physical library in quite a while but I've taken up meditation! It's something my Mom has been very dead set on me trying for a while and I finally caved and she's been kind enough to lend me her Teal Swan account. It's helped somewhat, I think. Besides it's nice to have some sort of "ritual" before bed.

-My mom and I differ very much on what we find entertaining/enjoyable so I actually don't know on that. I have however, made her a very super secret Valentine's Day gift that I hope she'll love. (It's heart shaped earrings. I make them by hand and she's been very thrilled by me and my little sibling's craftsmanship when making jewelry, insisting we make her bracelets from our extensive supply from Christmas)

-I will say that I prefer things very direct, but I also like to feel like I am listened to. So anyone who embodies those two aspects are very much wins in my book.

I believe that's all of them! Thank you for this lovely and kind reminder, I very much needed it and I enjoy being able to ramble as well so this was great actually^^ hopefully you're doing alright and are able to do some important things for yourself today as well and maybe take some time to rest if you haven't. Good luck!!

[theelderhazelnut]

OC Interview

A huge thank you to @black-dragon-posting for tagging me <3

Tagging: @vivilovespink @darialovesstuff @bar10du @huepazu @scentedcandleibex @confidentandgood @aliyaaaepel3 @loverofthewindgod @ninibear3000 @roofgeese @orbitinytheworld @krysta-cross @loreoflemons @detectivelokis @captastra @zoetheneko @isabellawaites

Ombra impatiently checked the white clock hanged on the wall. "How long is this going to take?" She asked the interviewer while maintaining a flat face.

"Not more than fifteen minutes." The interviewer observed the pile of papers in his hands, grinning widely at the thoughts racing in his head. "This documentary is going to be very much different from the previous ones we produced."

"How come?"

"You will soon find out, Miss Ombra." The interviewer gestured to the cameramen. "Cameras? Okay, Let's begin!"

Basics

"Name?"

"Are you asking for my real name? It's Golnaz. And my last is Zomorodian"

"Are you single?"

"No, I am currently in a relationship with one of the most powerful sorcerers among the realms." An uncontrollable toothy smile appeared on her lips.

"Are you happy?"

"I try to be. But uh-" Ombra slightly frowned. "I have to be. This is the least I can do in order to not make my life a literal hell."

"Are you angry?"

Ombra drops her head, letting out a silent smirk. "Only plants are not angry."

"Are your parents still married?"

Ombra nodded a "yes".

9 Facts

"Birth place?"

"Hamedan, Iran. You can read it thoroughly from my eyes."

"Hair color?"

"Do I really need to say this?" She took a wavy strand of her lose ponytail to the front and continued. "Dark brown. You may think it's black, but it reveals its true color under the sunlight."

"Eye color?"

Ombra wrinkled her lips in slight annoyance. "Chocolate brown. Very much dark as well. But it changes. If I utilize an enormous amount of my Metalrealmer energy, it changes to cyber yellow."

"Birthday?"

"November twenty sixth."

"Mood?"

"At this moment? Well, curious I think. Curious to know what happens at the end."

"Gender?"

"I'm half-female half-neutral. I do feel totally neutral sometimes." She paused for a moment then continued. "Do I have to elaborate?"

"Summer or Winter?"

Her eyes brightened. "That's a tough question. Eh...I prefer both. I don't know. The fresh air and the longer days in Summer hypes up my mood."

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Definitely afternoon. Every single living thing falls in a relaxing silence in that time. And it's just me running around in the base." Ombra let out a soft chuckle.

Eight Things About Your Love Life

"Are you in love?"

"Yes, I am. With myself. No no no, I won't deny that, but yes. I am in love with another person."

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"No. If you feel totally attached to someone in the very first sight, and all of a sudden crave them desperately, you are undoubtedly mentally ill."

"Who ended your last relationship?"

"There wasn't any."

"Have ever broken someone's heart?"

Ombra nodded in agreement. "And I have zero regrets. Of course, I'm not sure how many times I did because, well, maybe some of them were unintentional."

"Are you afraid of commitments?"

"Only when it's about Quan Chi, I guess. Not being to fulfill my promises to him is an absolute nightmare. I don't want to be a fake manipulator."

"Have you hugged someone within the last week?"

"As far as I remember I only hugged Quan Chi. But please don't be afraid if you want to hug me." She calls to no one.

"Have you ever had a secret admirer?"

"I'm not sure if this counts, but I'm gonna say Quan Chi. He did nothing a secret admirer would do." She shrugged. "But still."

"Have you ever broken your own heart?"

"This sounds weird, but no. It isn't easy to break my heart. You must be something so precious to me to be able to do that." She leant her chin on her palm. "I'm not saying that I'm not precious to myself."

Six Choices

"Love or Lust?"

"Both."

"Lemonade or Iced tea?"

"I choose iced tea. It tastes more like water, and responses to my thirst perfectly."

"Cats or dogs?"

"You have no idea what kittens can do to me."

"A few best friends or many regular friends?"

"I am not so professional in taking care of acquaintances, so the answer is obvious."

"Wild night out or romantic night in?"

"It entirely depends on my mood and physical energy. A wild night out with Quan Chi is literally a life-death situation which requires great physical energy. Sadly, I use most of that energy at work, so it's a romantic relaxing night in ninety percent of the time."

"Day or night?"

"My preference changes all the time about this. I'm not going to give you a firm answer."

Four Have You Evers

"Been caught sneaking out?"

"When I was a child, home was the safest place for me, so I technically had no reason to sneak out. But as an adult? No."

"Fallen down/up the stairs?"

"I'm always careful." Ombra lowered her tone to almost a whisper. "But I'm secretly afraid of it ever happening."

"Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt?"

"Not someone. Something."

"Wanted to disappear?"

"Yes and no."

Four Preferences

"Smile or eyes?"

"Eyes tell a different story. It way harder to fake your eyes movements and the truth behind them than faking your smile." She shrugged. "Also they're more beautiful."

"Shorter or taller?"

"You mean my own height? Well, of course, taller. Much taller."

"Intelligence or attraction?"

"Intelligence can also bring about attraction. In fact, intelligence can bring about almost anything, so I think attraction is not enough on its own."

"Hook-up or relationship?"

"It's disgusting to me to touch someone who I just met, so I say relationships, obviously."

Family

"Do you and your family get along?"

Ombra nodded. "I was lucky that I was born in a functional family."

"Would you say you have a messed-up life?"

Ombra frowned, staring at the distance. "Depending on how you look at it, I do have a chaotic life, but it's no "messed up". However, it's on the edge of it, and it only requires a snap of my finger."

"Have you ever run away from home?"

"Not from the building of my home, but I did technically run away from my country. To survive."

"Have you ever gotten kicked out?"

"My family love me. No matter what I do." A bitter smile curved her lips.

Friends

"Do you secretly hate one of your friends?"

"What kind of a question is this? Do you intend to expose me?"

"No no! Absolutely not! You can skip this one!"

Ombra's eyes darkened. "I don't. I can't stand keeping someone I despise so close to me."

"Do you consider all your friends good friends?"

"I deliberate before choosing them."

"Who is your best friends?"

"There's three of them. My sister, Quan Chi and Menace." (@vivilovespink)

"Who knows everything about you?"

"My sister and Quan Chi. Menace knows too much, too." She chuckled lightly. "It's just that he's the last best friend I found, so we need more time. Y'know, not everything can be told."

"That should be it. Thank you for giving us your time, Miss Ombra."

"You're welcome." She responded, and watched the three men leave the room as they chatted cheerfully. "This show's gonna definitely rock it!"

[numinously-yours]

hii! could i have a reading from you on the characteristics of my next romantic partner and when they’ll potentially come into my life? thank u soo much 🫶

-♎️

Good morning!

Starting with characteristics we have: The Chariot reversed, the Nine of Cups, and the Nine of Cups. Lovely!

Your person is very content with life. They feel like they're in a place where they're thriving, but they're also ready to take on new adventures. They are definitely a free spirit. They don't always have a plan when they take their next adventures, but somehow they are still cognizant of how the steps they take are affecting others around them. Overall, they're just a very curious person. Because they ARE in a good spot in life, they are excited to learn what else is out there. How can life be even better? How can they inspire others to love their life? I get really happy and sweet energy from them :)

In terms of timeline: Five of Pentacles, Knight of Pentacles, Three of Swords, and Eight of Swords (with the high priestess on the back of the deck)

I looked at these cards for a little bit before typing this out because I really wanted to understand what they were saying. What I am really being brought back to is that the pentacle cards are the timeline in terms of actual TIME (seasons, calendars, etc) and the swords are what needs to happen internally before you're going to be the most open to accepting this person in your life. Pentacles can either point to the winter months or years. I'm leaning more toward the winter months of this year, rather than it actually taking years to happen. I DO think that your guides are saying that you will need to focus on the pentacle cards for it to occur sooner rather than later in the winter months. The Knight of Pentacles feels like someone bringing something "new" which makes me think of moving into the new year. Right now, the month of December is really calling out to me and that it will be a relatively new relationship as 2025 comes in.

For your sword cards, I am seeing that you have had some heart break. Whether it is from past romantic relationships or even disappointment from people who are really important to you (romantic or not). You have been really hurt and it's making it hard to open up to the idea that someone will love you fully OR that you'll find someone to trust again. Some "what's the point?" energy is coming through. But the point is getting to experience this amazing person that's waiting for you! Your guides are saying that you have to let go of these negative thoughts and victim mentalities that overwhelm you sometimes (I want to be clear that I am not saying you're playing the victim; heart break sucks, but we CAN get really bogged down in the feelings and forget the good stuff we DO have in life. That's what's coming out in the message).

I wanted to use the High Priestess/back of the deck as the advice toward how you can continue to move forward and make room for this person to come into your life. I feel like it's cliche, but getting in touch with your intuition is really going to help. As people have probably noticed, I love Biddy Tarot and use her guides to help me find insights. A line from the linked page about the high priestess says, "Knowledge of how to fix these issues will not come through thinking and rationalizing, but by tapping into and trusting your intuition, so allow yourself the time and space to meditate and attend to your inner voice." Additionally, the HP wants you to embrace your divine feminine (regardless of gender). It reiterates to feel rather than think. Be proud of yourself for your ability to love, nurture, and empathize. It may feel like the root of "why" you're going through your heartbreak, but it really is a strength. Your future partner is going to see this part of you and, I bet, they're going to want to learn even more to see how they can incorporate your goodness into their life.

Best of luck my love!

Numinously yours,

D

[scribbledquillz]

As promised, a little life update on me for - well mostly me, but also anyone who'd like to know where in the hell I've been.

Around when I was last here winter of 2021, the hip pain I'd had since I was pregnant with my little one - which until then had mostly just been annoying - started to become more of a problem. It became far more prominent and persistent, as well as moving up into my pelvis and lower back. Spasms, achiness, stabbing pains, lots of fun. It made basic necessities difficult, and continuing exercises other than using the treadmill (which a friend of mine graciously gave to me for free, bless her) impossible.

Fast forward through physical therapy, x rays, mris, steroid injections and a last ditch effort with acupuncture and I'm finally in a place health wise that is, while not ideal at least generally manageable. There's something going on in my SI joint compounded with 30+ years of random factors that probably made it worse that causes just. Boatloads of inflammation. Massage, acupuncture and walking keep it in check, but sadly I don't know when or if I'll be able to get back into weight lifting the way I used to. But hey I can function and I can grocery shop without spending the rest of the day in agony on the couch, so I'll gladly take it!

In that same time in a more positive lane, I did a lot of work on myself and my mental health. I took the time to try new hobbies, dabbled in a lot of creative outlets I never thought to try, and started keeping houseplants. Most of which - save a few casualties to my learning process and one poor rubber tree plant that just can't seem to catch a break - are doing great and making my house feel so much more cozy!

I also got the kick in the ass from a friend (the same one who gave me the treadmill, girl is amazing) to start an original project that I'm really excited about. I'm writing a graphic novel style comic. 😁

It's a long, LONG way from ready to share. But my prologue script is done, and I've connected with a comic artist who I've been working with to illustrate the pages. Once those are done and I've got enough of the main script drafted up, I'll be looking into getting the prologue posted / hosted, as well as a Patreon running to help finance the development of the main story. I don't want to give anything away about the plot just yet, but I will say I want to get this right. Hence the possibility of a Patreon to help fund hiring on several sensitivity readers as well as hopefully bumping up the hours I can afford to pay my illustrator to work.

So yeah - that story is my main priority and focus right now. I want to see this done and completed, because I genuinely think people will like the story I have floating around in my head and the idea of finally being able to turn writing - something I've been passionate about for as long as I remember - into more than a hobby would be AMAZING.

But that being said, I will always have love for Revka and Zevran. Their ship is what pushed me back into writing after a years long dry spell, and I want to give them their due. Not to mention I miss the idiots. ♥️

So that's it! I'll be poking away at their fics as I have time, but want to make it clear their stories will have to stay as something I do as I have spare time and energy. I most likely won't be able to do a lot of meme style writing or prompts - at least for the time being. But I'm excited and happy to be here to gush about my favorite fictional husband and share my love for whatever random fancies pop into my life with you all, and to continue seeing your lovely digital faces on my dash.

I can't wait to share my writing with you all again, and to eventually let you be some of the first folks who can check out my comic!

[tottymatsuno]

Last night I had a big panic attack break down bc i mentally wrote out a giant plot that would have made contextual sense, would have intricately tied together up lots of themes and honestly would have been a great ending for an ongoing overarching plot.

But it involved totty rejecting me and saying he didn't love me and like, I legit freaked out about the possibility bc literally I wrote it and he'd be aware I wrote it, and it was ridiculously meta, and I kept thinking why is it hurting me so much, it's not real

So I spiraled for a long time, none of my normal coping mechs worked either. I was too scared to actually look at him, or like read any of my other works and I started freaking out more because have I written anything where he's just wholly nice and in love with me, or have I been writing him as if he's just tolerating me?

Anyways the whole thing felt stupid, and I felt stupid, and I was already in a cycle of mentally berating myself all night long anyways. It was a bad relapse because I haven't done something like that in years. I haven't just sat down and dissociated enough to tell myself how much I hate myself and the things about me, and I've literally never used him as the vehicle to do it.

I turned on my sunlamps, I got in the bed, I ate candy, I kept telling myself it's summer right now and I'm in the window and everything feels peaceful, I'm safe.

And it didn't work. I just kept crying, and I guess I'm thankful I didn't start hallucinating or having incoherent thoughts, but idk. I didn't know how to reach out to anyone either, it felt like if someone didn't reply within that minute an hour had gone by and they were indirectly telling me how annoying I was.

Which then fueled more self derogatory thoughts. I think I finally snapped out of it by reading other stuff I'd written that wasn't ososan or todo related until I calmed down enough to go to sleep.

I guess I'm writing all of this out rn when I should be getting ready for work and eating breakfast is to say something. I'm not sure what yet. I'm having a lot of issues this winter and I'm positive if I had the mental energy i could put all the pieces together and explain it.

But these days I keep thinking about how much I want to be alone, but how much I care about my friends. I don't want to be alone, I want to hang out with my friends. But I do. It's almost as if they have to live without me, or if there's moments where I can't reach them I'd rather run away. Idk.

I think I just need to go offline for a while.

[ghostiebopper]

today sucked major ass, actually

i woke up around 2am and didnt get back to sleep for hours

i eventually did get more sleep. but my fitbit didnt log it so i have no idea how much. not sure whats going on with that. its not logging my temperature either, suddenly?

anyway. today actually didnt start badly. i was in a good mood! i was nice n warm, i had a kitty companion with me.

i got up, got breakfast, worked on the pc for a bit, got dressed, made lunch, did chores...and then its 3pm, and im fucking exhausted. i had other stuff to do (was gonna get the trash bins) but at that point i was. drained

so i laid down. i took a little nap. i dont usually do that because it tends to affect my nighttime sleep but i was Quite Exhausted, physically and mentally drained, for...not much of an actual reason.

woke up after less than an hour and felt better. laid there for a bit, chilling on my phone, because i DID feel nice and warm and have a little more energy, but i was also still Exhausted and my Body Hurt.

at this point, it's about 5pm. i need to get up, so i do.

i still need to get the bins back to the patio. i put on thick winter socks, put my sweater back on, and head downstairs.

i get to the bottom of the top half of the stairs before the landing and i slipped. this has happened before. i was okay, i think i'm fine? nothing feels broken or otherwise notably painful.

actually, my limbs feel heavy. slightly numb. my hands and feet feel a little off but thats not honestly new after slipping (though somewhat new within the last 48 hours). and i was still quite exhausted, when i slipped, and was on carpeted stairs in some thick socks. so i slipped down the last few steps, and slammed my foot into the wall/a grocery cart, fell on my right hand, and also my ass. i didnt hit my head or anything.

i was just kind of shocked, hoping i didnt just make my 5 million current issues (this is an exaggeration) suddenly worse as a result of breaking any bones. anyway, mom heard me fall from the bathroom and she panicked and went "WHAT WAS THAT!?!?" and, dear reader, that is what set me off.

"i fell! leave me alone!" i shouted. i was still trying to assess myself but the stress of the whole day (which didnt seem like much but apparently was more than i thought) was suddenly hitting me. i felt nauseous. i was trying to make sure i didnt break any bones, and mom just kept badgering me, asking me questions i wasnt able to answer, and i snapped, saying "leave me alone!! i don't know if i'm okay!! leave me alone!!!"

i get that she was worried but the way she immediately started to panic and her anxiety started to affect me was painful. i needed a minute and i was struggling to express that. i needed her to back off.

i started to cry because she would not back off and i was so tired, and so stressed, and now my stomach hurt, and i felt sick, and i was in pain, and everything was so much. eventually, i was able to get up. i was okay, even though the stress was now very sickening. but i didnt want to just sit there and stew in it.

i decided to try to retrieve the bins once more. i put my shoes on, my coat, tried to ignore mom still probing me (and then her suddenly dropping "oh yeah, they put your aunt's dog down" thank you that makes me feel so much better.) and went to get the bins.

and it was dark and pouring rain. so i went and i just sort of took a seat, still in my coat, and went on my phone while i tried to quell the urge to vomit. it's been about 20 minutes and the stress is not much better. i felt oddly cold, and also like bawling my fucking eyes out.

maybe it's that i had a bit of a down day, today. maybe i wasnt as busy as i have been for the past like 5 days straight (appointments, errands, chores, etc) and so something like my seasonal depression snuck through the cracks. maybe the medication i just started about two days ago is affecting me weirdly. only time will tell, i suppose.

i wish i could go into a coma for about 12 hours though. i wonder if in that time my body would have enough time to get it's shit together long enough so that i do not end up in the current state of mental and physical exhaustion i am in.

because during times like this, the thought of "god i want to fucking kill myself" is prevalent and it's concerning. not to an extent that makes me go "hm. hospital!" but one that's more like "hm. not really sure i should be hearing that in my own head with increasing regularity!" so. you know.

maybe it's the time of year. maybe it's the mounting stack of concerns regarding my own health, and the stress of wondering how these things will affect me in the longer-term. maybe (and most likely) it's everything, but what can i do besides try to stay on top of it? i'm doing my best, and a lot of the time, i feel like i'm actually doing pretty damn good.

but days like today make me wonder if it's enough. days like today make me want to stop. days like today make me want to sleep for hours and hours and hours and do absolutely nothing.

i'm not going to do that, because it would undo all of my progress.

this got long and i dont have the energy to really edit or give much of a shit, at this point.

tomorrow: haircut, back to the grocery store, and...trying to stay busy, i suppose.

okay bye.

[gameanglia]

GAMES LINKED TO MENTAL HEALTH

LIMBO :

Limbo is a game which contains puzzle elements in the game, a place between life and death where your character is dead and he wakes up in his own Limbo, in a way, his own version of hell. It is a quiet world with no music or colour. Limbo is a game which demonstrates loss and grief with an attack to your senses of sight and sound. The game demonstrates how lonely it is within the game as it's a game which shows grief and depression. Within the game there is a city area which represents adulthood and within the city there is a hotel, symbolling one's first experience with adult relationships. This can correlate about how you can feel losing a loved one or to fall into depression and not know how to climb back out, only able to move within one direction. The character must find their way out of his depression, back into the light.

CHICORY: A COLORFUL TALE :

Chicory: a colourful tale is about a top-down adventure game in a colouring book world where you can draw on anything, however a terrible incident happens and Chicory, a superstar artist and wielder of 'the brush' is missing, and you fill in for her job. This game is about colouring the black and white lines and drawings into a colourful world using the magic brush, it is a game that makes it perfect for those who want to relax and are fighting with anxiety. The story is also about how Chicory's story is about fighting depression, a mental illness that turns into an enemy you have to beat within the game.

CHANGE: A HOMELESS SURVIVAL EXPERIENCE :

Change: a homeless survival game is about where you pick your character based on what story you want to express. Its a game where it is an emotional journey that displays realism on how it is like in real life and for many people (from official statistics, more than 300,000 people are homeless, yet there are many people who are on the verge of going homeless too, the world is a cruel place to be). In the game you explore, earn perks, find items and kindness to develop your character to create a new life and environment for yourself, but the most important is the fact you must survive. This game has probably been my favourite by far in research on mental health because you don't know anyone's story on why they may be homeless or what caused them to be in such a situation.

CHILD OF LIGHT

Child of light is about a character named Aurora, a young girl from 1895 Austria who wakes up on the lost fairytale continent of Lemuria. She falls into a cold sleep after the death of her mother and a re-marriage of her father. It is a game about how she arrives in a dreamlike fairy-tale and she must experience how to love, grow, learn and battle the grief of loss. This is a storybook styled game where it talks on adult topics. It's an emotional roller coaster in this game because each character she journeys with, all have a sad reason why they travel with her as her companions.

ACTUAL SUNLIGHT

This game is about Evan Winters who is a Canadian citizen, working a dull corporate job. The game itself isn't what you would predict in a normal game with melodies of music everywhere and amazing plot twists with eye-catching animations and gameplay movements, instead it tells the story of a person of a very bleak life routine; he wakes up, takes a shower, goes to work and goes home to sleep - rinse and repeat. This alone makes it already engaging alone because knowing the fact you play as this person, many people may already correlate to Evan and sympathise with him. But with this, Evan hates himself, his apartment, and his job. However he never has the energy to get angry or express his feelings, he's just trapped in nothingness yet determined to do something. The game's themes revolve around suicide, anxiety and depression which has an intense and heart breaking story.

MY COMMENTS AND THOUGHTS THROUGH THE RESEARCH: I felt like out of all these games that I looked up on, researched, tried to find ways to explain each game, the most which caught my eye was 'Actual Sunlight'. Yet it is the most simplistic game out of all five. I wanted to take more time into researching the game because reading about the game and watching some of the gameplay was more intriguing than the others. I couldn't pinpoint why out of all five it was the one which hit me the most, but it had the most captivating story to me. I say this because maybe even at my young age where life has barely started for me, i somehow correlate a little to the game? Of course in my own way with my own story but the similarities are probably what compelled me to the game itself. I also enjoyed researching about Limbo as well, between the five, i enjoyed most was Limbo and Actual Sunlight. I tried to write quite a bit for each game however through the research these two games most compelled me. Limbo resonated with my feelings because it is a story on losing a family member (the boy's sister). Losing family isn't easy and it's hard to get out the deep end once you're in it, especially with strong emotions; grief, depression, sadness, etc.

[jackrussle]

Beach boys ranking, for myself

Can't talk about. Might be the best album ever made, I** believe it is but I'm trying not to be blinded by bias. But I mean...

Transcendental, unapproached, listening to it is peeking into something that couldn't have been else the world would have ended idk, sometimes it feels like that.

So ahead of its time that ppl still don't fuck with it. Imo its singular, no imitations bc people wouldn't know what the hell they're imitating. I think after pet sounds, not including smile session (released in 2011), its their best. 2 of the best pop songs ever made among tracks like "wind chimes" and "little pad" and "fall breaks and back to winter". So much psychedelic music of the 60s has a grandiosity, the supposed ego death is very huge and important, but smiley smile is as relevant to the present as it was to the past bc it has none of that twining, muzzy, philosophizing psychedelia of cream or jimi hendrix (luv all that, not devaluing it). smiley smile is hanging out, getting high, giggling, getting scared, and then experiencing a huge but sparing moment of revelation and creativity. It's not "getting at" something real about acid and getting stoned, it's already there. The beach boys stripped themselves, intentionally or not, of fame, what sounds good, what sounds acceptable, whats cool, whats not, whats success, whats failure, saying something or saying nothing. whispering, repetitious, thoughtfulness turning into silliness turning into fear turning into marvel, articulate and then making no sense at all.

The sweetest possible follow up to smiley smiles acidic cackling, so easy to listen to. Hugely irrelevant to anything happening in mainstream 1968 music. Another example imo of the 60s failing itself, leaving something as nice and understanding as this dead in the water. Another lofi grand dad like smiley smile, something that in retrospect makes it sound rly hip 🏄‍♂️❤️

Tied with friends right now...the "it's so over" album of all time. Already posted about it. 2 of my fav songs ever on it, "til I die" and "surfs up", easy argument that surfs Up is top 10 songs everrrrr

It's controversial of me to like this as much as I do, I just love the "mental hospital band at the talent show" vibe. Carl's vocals are insane, it's approach to r&b is off putting, it's a crazy feeling album while not being crazy at all, in fact its a bit dull and weird. But it's not distasteful or bad, which the boys are very capable of being. It's a fun oddball album that I love, subjectively 😭 the boys are fussing around and having an easy time with it, it reminds me of Daniel Johnson or r Stevie Moore. If it was recorded on a cassette bedroom pop heads would go crazy for it

It can do no wrong 🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏄‍♀️🏄‍♂️🏝🏖🏝🏖🏝🏖🌞🌞🥥🥥🥥🥥���‍🟩🥥🥥🍋‍🟩🥥🍋‍🟩

I haven't lived with this album like I have the ones I've ranked above it, there's some tracks I'm bored by. Im thinking 'what this is doing? I know it's being done better elsewhere, " but the Fandom swears by sunflower so I'm going to be patient with it. Some all timers tho, "forever" "all I wanna do" and "dierdra" all eerily contemporary

Haven't listened to this all the way through more than once but what I've heard is complete madness and I know ill love it

Definitely the worst beach boys album I've listened to several times and tried to love. It has a sinister, anxious energy, the effort they made to recreate their old sound is vacuous and lethargic, not respectable. I like the track "I went to sleep" and "time to get alone" and ofc I love "our prayer" and "cabin essence" but the Manson song is on this 1 and it's immediately followed by "our prayer". Depressing.

[morgandria]

random.

Over the weekend I -finally- got the house cleaned to a standard where I'm pleased, and don't feel like I'm living in filth. I can keep it in this state pretty well, as long as I'm not running the migraine gauntlet. Now that I feel caught up, the mental runtime needing to clean was occupying can be devoted to other things I need to work on.

I need someone to smack me upside the head and remind me that I need to remember to cleanse on a regular basis as well. I tend to forget over the winter and leave it too long, and wow does it build up. But two days with all the windows open and copious amounts of incense have done wonders.

I thought the noise from the renos next door were bad before, but...they've been laying a new stone driveway for the last week and a bit. The noise and dust is something else. I discovered that they are literally breaking stone with a sledgehammer right behind my side of the bed, up against the wall. They started at 8:15 AM on Sunday. And broke rock for three hours. I realize they're just doing what they're paid for... but I wish they could appreciate how much restraint it takes me to not curse the shit out of them.

We were solid cloud and some spatters of rain today during the eclipse. It got dark, but we didn't actually see the sun at all. For whatever reason eclipse energy (lunar and solar) always seems to prompt me to think about my shrines, and to take any down that don't feel necessary anymore (always with appreciation and thanks, leaving the door open for any future returns). I think of it as making sure I'm staying within my energetic means and not overextending myself in a way that lessens my ability to offer proper hospitality.

Supposed to be quite warm tomorrow but also with thunderstorms. I've been feeling it on one side of my head since this afternoon - we had what I think were mammatus clouds pushing in behind a bow-shaped front line, quite distinct from the smooth clouds they were up against. I'm crossing my fingers my head doesn't blow up any more than it already has.

[dancing-to-architecture]

90 - Pink Floyd - The Wall

High up on my list of "Best Movie Soundtracks Ever", even though a. it's a rock opera and b. one of my favorite songs on the album is notably NOT in the film.

Also, an album I picked up WAY too early in life. This is not an album that should be mainlined by an impressionable young adolescent. (See also: Smashing Pumpkins)

And, if you haven't seen the movie, know going in that it's violent and disturbing and disorienting, it adds a LOT to the context of the album, and also you should really watch it twice.

•In The Flesh?-

One of the most bombastic and epic-feeling opening tracks I've ever experienced in my life.

I'm ALWAYS looking for that space cadet glow.

Also it ends like the album is ending, like entire goddamn world is ending, complete with the sound of a plane crash and everything, and then, with a baby's cry, we are introduced to our doomed protagonist.

•Thin Ice-

So, unlike quicksand, thin ice is a horror from my childhood only this one WILL ACTUALLY KILL YOU. Growing up in a small town where two rivers met, thin ice was a legitimate concern every winter.

And, while I don't recall as many people going under the ice as I do "Chicagoans getting wasted and falling to their death at Starved Rock", it was always in the back of my mind whenever the air hurt my face.

Regardless this song is about losing your sanity, and the two concepts are nonetheless linked in my mind, especially since high school makes you feel crazy.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 1-

This one makes me think of two things:

1. This Robert Anton Wilson quote:

"under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being."

2. My dad's hobby of late: burning all of his money by going on cruise ships multiple times a year.

"Daddy, what'd you leave behind for me?" Not fuckin much.

Otherwise this section of the album has one hell of a groove to it.

•The Happiest Days Of Our Lives-

So happy to say that I never had a *physically* abusive teacher.

Mentally and emotionally? I mean who didn't have at least one of *them* growing up?

(And yes I genuinely, honestly, hope "their psychopathic wives" beat the shit out of every single one of those bastards. If you are in a position of authority over children, and you use that to make their lives objectivly worse, for shit they had no hand in, I hope your eyeballs and throat and liver and kidneys all get ripped out by goddamned vultures.)

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2-

The anthem for my entire generation, and what should damn sure be the energy going forward (especially in Fascistland, I mean Florida, where "slavery was kinda good actually" and "AP Psych can not legally be taught anymore because it says that queer people exist".

We don't need no thought control.

And all in all, Ron Desantis is just another dick with no balls.)

Also, I was much older when I learned that when an Englishman says "pudding" they actually mean "basically any possible dessert" and not just, like, "tapioca".

•Mother-

Generating Lifelong Codependency: The Song.

5 minutes and 34 seconds of Bad Parenting Choices.

See the above Robert A. Wilson quote again.

•Goodbye Blue Sky-

Simultaneously one of the prettiest and one of the ugliest songs on the album.

Beautiful and horrible.

Also, one of my favorite of the animated segments in the film. Evocative as FUCK.

"The flames are all long gone

But the pain lingers on."

•Empty Spaces-

This is the sound of every dying relationship. Once the communication breaks down, the rot begins to take hold.

•Young Lust-

Now, THIS is a great song to get stuck in your head for a month and a half when you're a loser in your sophomore year of high school and nobody wants to really even look at you, let alone go out with you, and absolutely nobody wants to just fuck nasty, which is exactly what this song is entirely about: finding a person who wants to get slammed down, big style.

•One Of My Turns-

Possibly the darkest song on the album and one of the heaviest parts of the movie.

The Breakdown of Every Thing.

That said, "cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum" would be a good description of me from like ages 15-27.

...Thank the gods for LSD. Ego death fixed a lot of that shit.

•Don't Leave Me Now-

Correction: THIS is the darkest song on the album.

A droning meditation on all the various forms of partner abuse.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 3-

And this is the song that turns the miserable sophomore-year loser into a teenaged curmudgeon. "I don't need any of you, I'll be just fine on my own."

•Goodbye Cruel World-

It's pretty obviously about suicide, but I always thought this would be a great closing song for a live show.

"Yeah this is it, this is all you're getting. You can't change my mind. Goodbye."

•Hey You-

Ah, good day, "Sir Not Appearing In This Film". How are you?

I've heard a few reasons from different people as to why this was cut from the movie, from simply "cut for time" to "the actual film got fucked up during recording and was deemed unusable".

In the story, this is the initial realization of the Great Mistake of building the wall and shutting yourself off from reality and humanity.

In my life, it gave me one of the most impactful lines I've ever heard:

"Hey you,

Don't help them to bury the light.

Don't give in without a fight."

As well as a lovely metaphor for what right-wing talk-radio grifters and Fox News brainwashing did to everybody's parents:

"No matter how he tried, he could not break free, and The Worms ate into his brain."

•Is There Anybody Out There?-

One of my favorite songs on the album.

Short and sweet, if by 'sweet' you mean 'dangerously paranoid'.

Also, one of the only songs I ever learned how to play on guitar.

I classify this as the beginning of what I call the "tone poem section". The next few songs all bleed together into one full movement.

•Nobody Home-

The depression inherent to self-imposed loneliness sets in as self-reflection, self-adoration, and ultimately self-revulsion.

"I'm so smart, I can even figure out every single thing that I did to completely ruin my entire life, but i won't do that until the end of the album, on account of how smart I am."

•Vera-

The tone poem continues.

Also, I had no idea who Vera Lynn was for quite some time. So, no, I didn't remember her. 🤷

It's a devastatingly pretty song, though.

•Bring The Boys Back Home-

And the culmination of the tone poem portion of the album arrives.

There's not a lot to this one, tbh.

•Comfortably Numb-

It is amazing to me how much I related to this song, long before I ever did a single drug. And now, after having done quite a few drug, I'm not much of a depressants guy. (It's probably all the regular depression, why would I ever add more?)

Man, I was a pretty messed up kid, huh.

Such an incredible song, though. Perfect in every way. Beautiful guitar work, the drumming is impeccable, the bass is... present, and the vocals are stellar.

One of my favorites.

•The Show Must Go On-

I can sum this one up with the title of a cancelled douchebag Marilyn Manson song: "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

•In The Flesh-

The reprise of the opening track.

Problematic as hell, but that's the fucking point. This is a hyper-violent fascist rally dressed up like a concert, and Anyone Who Doesn't Fit In will be Taken Care Of.

•Run Like Hell-

Back when I was a kid, roughly a thousand years ago, there was a Chicago morning news show that used to use the beginning of this song as their show's intro, and that always struck me as Extremely Fucking Weird.

The concert/hyper-violent fascist rally spills into the streets. Nobody is safe. This is the point.

•Waiting For The Worms-

Fear and isolation lead to horrors beyond human comprehension.

An anthem for krystallnacht.

An anthem for the alt-right mass shooter.

Fortunately, you can theoretically get the worms out. Unfortunately, you will very likely have to crack open the skull in which they reside to do so.

•Stop-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS?!"

•The Trial-

The Big Come Down. Our protagonist realizes, way too late, that despite the many, many tribulations of his life, it is his reactions to those problems that ultimately the source of all of his problems.

Yeah, your teachers were shitty sociopaths, your mom was a domineering bitch, and your wife (rightly) got sick of all of your bullshit and left you.

Shutting yourself out and hiding yourself away doesn't fix a fucking thing, and only makes the Bad Things worse.

Shut the fuck up, Pink. You're not crazy, you're just a bigoted asshole. Tear the fucking wall down already.

•Outside The Wall-

In which our protagonist finally gets a fucking grip and stops being such a dick.

Or, an alternate reading is that Pink has killed himself, and everything from Goodbye Cruel World until this point has been a hallucination caused by his dying mind, and this is him receiving total consciousness at the moment of death.

OR it's simply saying "it's on you to open up a bit, because there are people who genuinely want to help you, but they'll only try for so long."

This is a great album, but you kinda need to see the movie to really get it, which is ironic because you also need to know the album pretty well to understand what the fuck is happening in the movie.

Favorite Track:

I am SO tempted to be a cheeky little shit and say "When The Tigers Broke Free", as that is an incredible song, but it's only in the film, not the studio album.

So I'll invert that and say Hey You, which is on the album, but not in the film.

Least Favorite Track:

Bring The Boys Back Home. It's the end of the slow self-reflection/self-destruction part of the story, there for the (incredibly depressing) vibes.

[caspalooza]

2022 Art Summary & Reflection!

A proper blog post, this one! ;D I'll be talking your ear off about my art under the "keep reading" break, if you feel so inclined. Otherwise, please appreciate my 2022 art overview (ooooh. aaaah.)

So! 2022. Oh, 2022. Yeah, this year SUCKED! BIG TIME! Or at least, it sucked in terms of my, ahem, artistic journey (sparkle emoji). Graduating high school and stuff was cool. Anyways, I feel I should be unhappy about my art progress (or lack thereof), and I suppose to a certain extent I am, but at the same time I have a hard time blaming myself for this one. I had so, SO little energy this year, and almost any time I did have energy, I was weighed down by mental blocks, art blocks, creative blocks, you name it. Getting anything finished was very mentally draining, even more so because I wasn't getting any practice, meaning my art abilities weren't quite up to snuff, which discouraged me even more! In the past, whenever I've become discontented with my art, I've liked to do what I call BRUTE FORCING improvement!!! but I just didn't have the energy to do that at ALL this year. My main and possibly only consistent motivator for drawing was my oc, Jesper (this really was the year of Jesper for me, holy jeez!).

But right now, I'm thinking AHEAD! To the FUTURE, BABY! Because I REALLY want to make some progress by the end of 2023. Even though my rendering got a lot better in 2022, I improved pretty much NOT-AT-ALL when it came to the fundamentals. That bothers the HELL out of me and I want that to change next year. I can't describe how it is to SUFFER when I want to render something because it's fun, only to spend hours rendering GARBAGE and looking back at it 5 minutes later and realizing, "Hey wait a minute! That's GARBAGE!"

Lucky me, I'm in a pretty good state of mind about my art right now, and I feel myself fixating on it again (which is pretty good timing since I'm on winter break now). So here are my main improvement goals for 2023:

DRAW MORE and FINISH MORE ART, even if it's SHIT! Which is finally a realistic goal for me since I hate so much of my art that I'm highkey just desensitized to it at this point.

Pay WAY more attention to composition and use of negative space! And not just in color, which for some reason was what I thought negative space exclusively referred to until an embarrassingly short amount of time ago!

Similarly, pay much more attention to pose readability! These poses should be CRYSTAL!

Keep pushing expressions, not just in sketches but FINISHED ART!

And finally, I want to stop worrying so much about making finished art. I want to draw whatever the fuck I want even if that amounts to drawing a guy standing in the void 20 times in a row. If that's what I have energy for, that's what I have energy for! At least it's SOMETHING!

And of course I'd like to improve somewhat with proportions and anatomy and shading and such, but I'm not feeling the urge to focus too strongly on that stuff right now.

My relationship with my art is and has always been that I just want to get it to a point where I don't hate looking at it, because really the only reason I draw is because I either want to vent my love for something and/or because I like looking at my ocs. That's sorta why after improving so much in my first few years of learning to draw humans, I slowed down a ton. It wasn't out of laziness, I was just content, and why would I want to spend all my time and energy practicing when It was already good enough and I could just draw my ocs NOW! I have no professional aspirations for my art. My art's for me first, and I hope it stays that way.

That said, I'm hoping for a lot of changes in general in 2023, some of which aren't strictly related to the visual arts, necessarily! All my ocs and their lore are to be revamped (and some are in the process of it already) to recapture their original vibe which I have missed oh-so-much. I don't want to rush myself with that process, but once the ocs are all set and the basic lore is all set I would love to try making some short comics about them. I don't know if that'll happen this coming year, but it's something i'd like to work towards. I had actually already started working on a comic and had the first few pages thumbnailed before I realized I really, really didn't like the way some of my ocs were characterized. Like, I'm not suggesting they were PROBLEMATIC or something, they just didn't feel right. Like they weren't quite themselves anymore, and I had lost their essence. Also, it was probably a bit too ambitious for a first comic project, anyways. All's that to say, I've an interesting path in front of me! I hope to make some cool stuff this coming year, a healthy mix of epithet erased fan art and original content! And who KNOWS what other fandoms will destroy my life along the way!

[darkforestdreams]

Maybe just how we live without as many Pokemon alongside us.

2. Acceptance. I need people to understand that I don't have the same amount of mental energy as them, so I can't do things for too long.

3. Short and bright, I'd think.

4. Usually escapism into the things I'm interested in. Working on my characters, original and fanmade, and just what kind of people they are.

5. It's given me warmth in the winter, coolness in the summer, forms of entertainment, and, most importantly, a way to connect with people and hold onto hope that we humans can become kinder and wiser.

6. All forms of art? So, so much.

7. Technically no, but I have Unova in my blood even though I was born in America. And I plan on moving to a region when I have experience living on my own (alongside my future Pokemon)

8. Honestly, I don't have a specific genre. I like just about everything that makes me feel something good. The exceptions are music glorifying drugs, alchohol... those kinds of things.

9. Um... (coughIdon'thaveanyPokemonyetcough)

10. Nonexistent and never. XD

11. I guess it'd be how I can imagine possible reasons why someone is acting the way they are. Otherwise... pbbt. (Shrug)

12. When things get visually incredible in a battle with two strong Pokemon that show how close they are to their trainers. Like Pikachu's Ten Million Volt Thunderbolt clashing with Charizard's G-Max Wildfire in the anime. That's when I started getting choked up. XD

13. ...PBBBT (Shrug)

14. Technically not my Pokemon (yet, I hope), I was a liiitle shocked when I saw a SECOND WILD DRAMPA in the park just five minutes away. When I asked the original Drampa if he'd found a mate, he just gave me this hilariously blank stare. That's all I'm saying for now~. XD

15. The future: it's my life goal to help our people in general become just the tiniest bit kinder, more mature, less quick-to-judge, and more empathetic and understanding. Just a little bit, at least. As for truth or ideals... I think they're equally important. If you have ideals for a better future, you need to face the truth of what the world is today... even if it really hurts.

16. I'm high-functioning autistic and... well, I I think when I was a kid people thought I was crazy when I began breaking down in public school.

17. Iron shields. The best offense is the best defense.

18. I watch Sinnoh contests all the time! They can get me REALLY choked up with the creativity and when you see fanmade music videos of contests... it's just magical.

type asks ^v^

normal: what's smth that's normal to you that might be interesting to people in other regions?

grass: what do you need in order to grow?

fire: do you burn short and bright or long and steady?

water: what do you do for rest and recreation?

electric: talk abt how the power of technology has improved your life ^v^

bug: what does art mean to you?

flying: have you ever been to another region?

poison: what's your favorite genre of music?

rock: tell the story of a time one of your pokemon evolved!

ground: how are your leadership skills? how often do you need to use them?

psychic: what's a weird or unusual talent of yours?

fighting: what's your fave thing abt pokemon battles?

ice: what's the coolest thing abt you? 😎

ghost: talk abt a time one of your pokemon surprised you ^v^

dragon: past or future? truth or ideals?

dark: what's a misconception ppl have had abt you or your pokemon?

steel: sharp blades or iron shields? attack or defense?

fairy: do you do performances w your pokemon? if you don't, do you ever watch them?

[ooops-i-arted]

Are requests still open?

No, sorry. Tbh I probably won't open them again until sometime in the summer when I'm off for summer break.

[twistmusings]

How do you think the convo between riddle and his mother went when he went back home for the winter holidays? Would he be able to explain that his overblot was due to his obsession with rules that she instilled in him? How he is trying to relax his grip on them, even just a smidge, for his own health. We never got a hint on how it went, and with your impeccable writing on the king leona post, i want to hear your thoughts on this ❤️

Oooh. This is a good one. Hopefully I can do it justice.

The conversation between Riddle and his Mother.

TW: Manipulation and Gaslighting, unhealthy relationships with parents, emotional abuse, mental illness. No joke this is kind of a depressing one, just as a warning.

I don't want to beat around the bush when I say this, but it didn't go well. In fact it was arguably the worst thing Riddle has ever gone through with his mom, and it got heavy very quickly. To be entirely 100% honest, I think this is likely the situation that was the straw the broke the camel's back for Riddle.

Of course Riddle's mother heard about his overblot. The school couldn't just hide it from her, even if they wanted to, so why Riddle was dreading going home for winter break was because he knew what was probably going to happen as soon as he got home.

Unfortunately for him, he was right. The moment he stepped out of the other side of the mirror and back into the Queendom of Roses, his mother didn't even greet him. He could already tell she was furious with him without any words ever passing between them.

The moment they got into the car to drive the rest of the way home, the first words out of her mouth were "I hope you know how disappointed in you I am." Riddle wanted to cry, a bit, hearing that, but he knew crying would only make it worse. The rest of the car ride was in silence, and the entire time the sick feeling in his stomach just kept getting worse.

He could judge from her tone when she told him to grab his bags and how quickly she hustled him into the house that it was going to be worse than he thought.

It begins immediately as soon as the door closes. About how she expected him to have better control over himself, about how embarrassing it was to explain to their neighbors that her only son had overblotted and nearly cause the death of the other students. About how she has spent his entire like trying to raise him to be better than this and he's throwing all of his chances away doing things like this. It is not a conversation, it's a lecture.

Finally, when she demands he explain himself, Riddle is welling with fury and sadness and exhaustion at being talked to like this. He doesn't hold back any punches, either, when he tells her outright that he thinks that her overbearing and constant demands of him are what made him overblot in the first place. He doesn't get the chance to explain why he thinks that, because his mother immediately rises to meet his energy and starts speaking over him.

"You think that I'm the reason that this happened? After everything I gave up for you? After trying to raise you the right way? I have always done what I think is right for you to help you succeed in life. You're acting like an entitled brat right now and you know I've never done anything but what I think is the best for my only son."

Riddle might try to argue with her about it, but his mother doesn't hear him. She might hear his words but she doesn't put any weight into them because in her mind she's always right and Riddle is the one who caused her this shame. In her mind, Riddle did this to himself: he went off to Night Raven College and being free from under her wing he got reckless and wasn't well disciplined enough to stop himself from getting hurt just like she had warned him that he would. Her mind is already made up, and she is the sort of person who can never be wrong. It wouldn't matter what Riddle said, it could have been literally anything, because she has already decided that she is right and has the image firmly in her mind of how exactly it happened.

It turns into another lecture, really. A long one, about him being unappreciative and how he's spoiled and had everything he could ever have wanted in life handed to him on a silver platter by mother dearest. How now that he's off on his own he's made decisions to hang out with these people who were bad influences on him and how he cannot be trusted to do things on his own. How he 'violated' her trust and how his leash while he's at home will be even tighter now. At a point, Riddle really just stops listening and lets it happen, standing there in silence and feeling like he's floating three feet away from his own body.

When finally it ends and she's done thoroughly demonstrating her disappointment and mistrust of her own son, she says "Go unpack your things. I'll be up in one hour to get you so we can do your winter homework before dinner."

And so Riddle does go to his room. The feeling of floating out of himself hasn't gone away. He briefly considers leaving-- of going to Trey's house and asking if he can just stay. He crushes it soon after, though-- he knows his mother too well. Knows she would get the police involved to find him and that it would only bring Trey's family trouble. He can't do that to them-- not to Trey's parents or siblings, and not to Trey either. Leaving would only make it worse when he gets back.

He ends up sitting on his bed and trying to unpack but finding himself unable to make himself function. His limbs feel like they're made of lead.

He can't get the idea of Trey and his family out of his mind. He's heard stories about his parents and his siblings. Heard how they go home over winter break and he helps in the bakery and helps take care of the younger kids. How his parents still all make a dinner and sit down to have dinner at the end of the day. How they look after each other and help each other every day.

It's the realization that they must know how it feels to be loved unconditionally that makes him snap and he starts to cry. The realization that his mother only loves him when he's playing the part that she wants him to play and if he doesn't want to be that, then there will be consequences.

And, while he's sitting there, sobbing uncontrollably into the sleeves of his sweater, he resolves that the moment he's able to, he's going to get away from that cycle. Having realized that this is not how a family is supposed to feel, he realizes that he's not going to get the support he wants here. Not in this lifetime. His mother won't hear reason, and she's going to keep pushing him to be something that he isn't. Riddle can't be that. Not unless he wants to become a monster again-- not unless he wants to live with the weight of the world on his shoulders until he snaps again. Not unless he wants to snap again and risk someone getting hurt. He still remembers the terrifying rage he felt-- has nightmares about staring Ace down with the singleminded focus to see him dead. About wanting to watch the life drain out of Ace and Trey's eyes and anyone else who got in his way. His own anger terrifies him.

He's not going to get the mother that he wants. There's a certain hopelessness, to that realization.

He will eventually stop crying, but ends up not able to put anything away. When his mother finds him still sitting, it starts her demeaning him again. She tells him he's not capable of anything-- that he's acting out. He bites his tongue, though, because he knows that's not true. He knows he's not some useless child, and he knows exactly who he doesn't want to be. She's standing right there before him, nearly a one to one parallel to the monster he saw in himself that day.

It won't be a fun winter break, but now he knows going forward what he needs to do. Maybe not today, but someday he's going to cut her out of his life. Build a place for himself that feels like home, where he doesn't have to feel small. And when that time comes, his mother won't have any say in who he hangs out with or who comes over or how many tarts he eats. He has some discussions to have when he gets back to campus-- he needs to get input from the people he trusts to do right by him. It's not a fun winter break but he leaves it with a goal in mind and more hope for his future than he's had ever before.