#i think she genuinely believes im bragging or proud when i say 'i cant do that my body hates me' and doesnt think what thatd be like

[ancient-reverie]

the day my mom listens to me AND remembers the shit I've told her about my disabilities is the day I grow a tail and manage to move out

[midnight-moods]

the last few days were a bit rough and when my mom noticed, she came to me and gave myself a little face massage. i thought she was the cutest, kindest and modest person on earth, and yes i still think she is. but while massaging my face she started to complain, asked me tons of questions i didnt want to hear and just made me more stressed that i already was. and then i politely asked her to say nothing for a while, because i really couldnt and didnt want to speak or even listen. she was mad at me because she had the feeling that i never genuinely want to speak with her, that i never call her, that i never enjoy spending time with her. and then i realized, that she wasnt even wrong about it. and then i suddenly started to cry. with my face in her hands. she apologized, and i was crying even more. not only because it was breaking my heart to realize that, but because i couldnt hold my tears back and let my mom to see her beloved daughter cry in front of her. what a heartbreaking moment for every mother of this universe, making your very child cry. i couldnt even stop because i had to imagine how it must feel like to see your daughter cry with her face in your hands. she apologized, and told me to stay strong. she told me with a proud voice that she raised a very strong young woman. i felt so weak, and then i started to question everything in my life within from minutes. it started from: why cant i show people my worry, how much i care, to: why am i so sensitive and weak (german: charakterschwach). why does everybody has to be strong? maybe that something about me that just makes me me. i know this world in where we live is not unicorns dancing on rainbows or love, freedom and peace. you're supposed to be strong in this world if you want to survive.. thats what people say all the time while pushing kindness and charity in the background. for some reason i saw my life before me, in the minute i was crying, thinking about what i did and how i treated other people, what im doing with my future now and how much i changed. i mean we are changing all the time. nothing defines you, no one can, not even you. there's no definition of you. i always believed in stars but thats actually the biggest crap. you are defined by nothing, which we come to chapter II: comparison and social media.  i am so god damn guilty of this. i used to be a person who didnt even want to have a smartphone for a while and yet, i was an instagram user few months ago. you probably already know what i am going to talk about, all these posts where you show people that you got an incredible life without even enjoying it or having more followers than the other one and so on and on, that good old stuff that you already know anyways. actually im not only blaming social media, its just a very big influence of comparison. because we do it all the time, what makes she/he so much better than me? why is she prettier or smarter than me? why cant i be this person etc. in fact i am a very confident person but even then, i subconsciously compare myself with others especially with other people from the same nation, like dont get me wrong but i always used to be the "cool asian" and then i met so many other cool asians, and i felt less special. but i have learned that no matter how gorgeous they are, it wont make you less valuable. we sometimes forget that every human being is unique and nobody can ever be you. even if you was replaced by someone else, this someone will never be you. also about the comparison thing i noticed is all the materialism that people crave so much. and again, im guilty of this too. which we come now to chapter III: partying/clubbing and not missing anything. all the people i see on the street with their rolex watches and nike track suits. who is more aesthetic today? who looks richer? who has more to brag? because clothes make the man (german: Kleider machen Leute). and of course it does reveal something about you because most of the time you wear something you like, but we should stop reducing people by their clothes (guilty again!). especially when you want to get in a club and the bouncer wont let you in because of your appearance. so i've been to lots of clubs and homepartys by now and let me say: it made me and my best friend more than empty than anything else (we didnt even do drugs). ironically we used all these events to fill ourselves with joy since we didnt want to miss something, and want to have some fun and stories to tell - but also, because we love to dance and spend time with friends. but weekend after weekend, it just made us sadder and sadder. it was a combination of all three chapters, the: making people who cares about you worry and feeling guilty because you're not the daughter your parents deserve, the: social media and comparison because everybody try to flex on their social media accounts and making people more worth because of their followers (just like making celebrities more valuable than other people) and last but not least the: materialism and not missing any event because life is short and you have to make more experiences as fast as you can, and this is one of the reason why young people get grown up so fast, why 12 y/o people are not how they are 10 years ago. how every adolescent wants to be old because no one takes them serious, because people tell you to have a good career, a nice car and your own family to be happy. that is the final goal they say. that is one of the reasons why people want to find their significant other as soon as possible through dating apps or else where. of course, there is almost nothing thats like before because of the new generation of technology but that is a different topic i could write hours about - odds are, im very thankful my mom made me cry, it made us closer somehow, and it was giving me this flash of thoughts that i always suppressed. i mean i all knew these things before but it made me realize that i want to change something. it made me realize that it was another helpful lesson for me, that i need to move on but with this piece of wisdom in the background. sometimes i forget that parents are just like you and me too. that they just want the best for you. that they get hurt and cry too. take time for your family. seriously.  thanks to my mom who is always there for me. the strongest human being in this entire universe. raised while living by one of the most known wars. saw many people dying including her young brother, going through depression, trust issues and living with insomnia for years and yet, she smiles everyday. for me. for dad. for everyone.

i love you mom 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 11 | “You let me like a parasite leach into this game and I will not be going anywhere”- Ali

Alright, so now it's my time to either put up or shut up. This is the round I really need to make this move in order to put myself in a much better spot moving forward. Either Ali or Autumn need to go this round, and I need to figure out how in the hell I can make this work. I know me, Devon, and the three Beauties are in for this plan, but I'm really concerned about Jakey this round. For some reason he's not being fully forthcoming about his thoughts about this vote, and with someone telling me that him and Ali might be close, I'm really concerned that he may go and ruin this plan. I don't want to think he'd do that - he should know I have had his back since Day 1 and I still think he has mine - but like... this ain't a fun spot to be in. Part of me wants to stack on Autumn and pretend like it's supposed to be a split vote to get Ali to use his idol if Jakey does tell him, but it would be worthless, but I don't even know if that would work. So I think I really need to figure out what Jakey is ok with here and then figure out how I can guarantee the heat doesn't come on me if this plan is found out.

I- just... you think you know people. Me and Adam rn https://media.tenor.com/images/ad6bd858d5371eb4ad2755d4a11bc748/tenor.gif but also me and Adam rn https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/d0/26/b8d026447effad19676de7e8ccc05c6f.gif Not Adam calling me at midnight to tell me that the whole ass tribe is planning to blindside Ali. I can't even get into the tea fully cause I'm in my bag now that I know 6 people think so little of me and will to lie to my face all day tomorrow but like it's fine. They will be dealt with, Adam is a king, we will get our Emmy's tomorrow for bamboozling everyone back, and I will 100% get Ali to play the idol he (probably?) has when I lay all the cards at 7 pm EST tomorrow lmao. And I'm really gonna get Jakey and Deovn's double agent asses- THAT I do know! Just you wait cause like I said before: name an ally I won't kill

to THINK, to literally THINK i wanted adam out at a point in this game. adam is literally the only person i trust in this game, i will be the kingmaker for him to get the win he deserves. what a genuinely lovely man, im so glad we are both still here. it sounds like there is a blindside being cooked up for little old me this round and for what...i'm borderline inactive, i cant connect with anyone in this game like... voting me for what... for literally what. also if jake is voting for me i will literally scream into the void this is so stupid for him. i am literally so far up his ass in this game all season and yet he wants to send me packing and for what. adam literally is my god send, as is devon's inability to keep literally anything a secret? like i trusted devon... so much?! and yet he literally threw me so far under the bus my squished up corpse is a 2D shape. i'm so... shook?! and also i still cant decide if i think jake is in on this, but if he is... im screaming? what a clown decision. but literally i cant believe this. im so excited to idol out one of the generic men in this game out tomorrow, they can all literally suck it up i cant wait. i want to be the kingslayer, i want to be the person who votes out amir for the first time in tumblr survivor. screw keeping big threats around, fuck that noise. i'm going to literally go through metamorphosis and become alyssa this season. i will be the mother hen who takes the bullet for my allies moving forwards, adam/autumn will make it further and further (plus jake if he is proven innocent and not a snake) anyway cast assessment: augusto - he can have such empty conversations for hours?! like this tribe confuses talking lots with social game. but like with him its a real i don't love your excess energy, go girl give us too much... would love to see him do literal anything beyond just having nothingy conversations... that does not a winner make amir - WOW his galaxy brain is so big. honestly i have to be impressed with amir, the fact he has this tribe misted that he is not the mastermind he is... a testament to his skill. i want to idol him out tomorrow adam - literally my jesus. i owe him my life in this game and i will stay true to that. i cant believe i didnt trust him at first wow... i hope adam gets the win this season autumn - my other goddess.. the literal love of my life, i want her and adam in the f3 this season if i cant make it. i want an autumn hill two time winner yes please and thank you devon - okay devon remains SUCH a sweet guy but oh my god does he play like a snake HELLO. he literally pumped me full of hot air for literally nothing wow woww wowww. he has lied to me for rounds and rounds for literally nothing... am ready to get that snake caught in a trap jake - i think the man who i was willing to give up my entire game for has been lying to me, i feel the exact same way i felt when my boyfriend cheated on me like this feels so personal... and i dont even see the endgame for jake with this hello!? my heart is broken, i literally watched sharifa play in sequester for HOURS with that man and for what?! for WHAT kendall - a literal sweetheart, never dissed. hope she goes far the only non-fraudulent one of the bunch tj -askjdlfsa he is so... stale jKLJKASDFAS like as a player go girl give us nothing. i wish he was being deadass when he said we were gonna squash our beef but i guess not huh? clownery from me i see anyway its almost 8am i need bed. im fueled by rage and im ending the generic men. adam and autumn are the loves of my life, brain, brawn and beauty are linking UP.

GORL yall better hold onto your britches this is gonna be a LONG one, so immunity happens, a music challenge, which i knew was right up my alley, i was confident going into it and tbh i had no idea what was gonna happen this round, so i decided to take a risk and use my challenge advantage, WHICH PAID OFF BECAUSE BITCH I AM T H E SONGSTRESS, DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DA UP OUT MY FACE BECAUSE YALL CANT GET ME THIS ROUND. who would've thought little old me would end up winning not one, but TWO individual immunities in a single season! im always dragging myself but for once im so PROUD of myself because with my last one there really wasnt anything to brag about, it was handed to me, which kinda did feel nice in a sense considering i know no one trusts me yet they wanted to still keep me around, but like this one was M Y own WIN like on my own merit. I'm an aries, dont ever count me out because i will deliver all the gags and all the goops so after my win, i know im 100% safe, so i start to think... hmm well idk who i want to go so i guess ill see and wait if anyone says anything to me, and then DEVON calls me and we're having a convo when all the sudden he gets real coy.... and starts going "OMG ADAM UGHHH I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS OR IF I CAN OR CANT" meanwhile, obviously i wanna know the tea so im like well bitch! spill! and he tells ME that apparently, him, jakey, tj, amir, and augusto have all allegedly been in talks and want to BLINDSIDE ALI THIS ROUND because they think he has the idol...and purposely leave me and autumn out? ill get to the THOUGHTS i have on that soon, because oh, i have SEVERAL thoughts, but as he tells me this he's basically just saying OMG PLEASE IM TAKING A HUGE RISK TELLING YOU THIS DONT TELL ANYONE ELSE, which, i DO trust devon slightly, but here's where the problems began and im gonna break it down for yall, 1) ONCE AGAIN, THE BIGGEST PHONYS IN THE GAME FAKE 1 AND FAKE 2 AMIR AND AUGUSTO LMAO LIKE .... DID WE NOT JUST END THE BEEF WE HAD WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE YALL WANTED TO GO BEHIND MY BACK AND NOT INCLUDE ME IN THE PLANS, ONLY FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME THING YET AGAIN??????? 2) Devon also TOLD me straight up and he was kinda laughing when he said it "im gonna be straight up no one trusts you in this game but i do and thats why im telling you", because AMIR/AUGUSTO ARE TELLING EVERYONE I HAVE THE IDOL FROM BEAUTY. WHY WILL NO ONE BELIEVE ME AND WHY ARE THEY BELIEVING THEM I DONT HAVE IT. LIKE I CAN OWN MY GAME AND MY MISTAKES AND THE ONLY THING IVE DONE TO DESERVE DOUBT WAS MY STUPID LIE ABOUT THE AUCTION BUT E V E R Y O N E LIED LIKE WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY? YALL WANT ME TO BE THE BAD GUY, CHUN LI? BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, I CAN BE. ive been playing this game with ONE mindset only. I'll be semi honest with everyone, but lie to me and then you can no longer believe a word i say.... and 3) devon also told me, while he trusts me and wants to go far with me, everyone else doesnt want to take me out this round, next round, or even 7, theyre planning to go for me around like final 6......ok so what im hearing is people are ALREADY trying to plan when to take me out and while he may trust me, i basically would have no way to play the game other than with him??? which why would i just sit there and accept that fate...OH AND ALSO 4) him and everyone else really just expects me to sit back and knowingly vote against kendall, who WOULDNT be going home so they can blindside ali...... so id literally lose a friend in this and gain an enemy? do i have idiot plastered on my forehead??? well, i guess they were right not to tell me about the plan because BITCH I RAN RIGHT TO ALI. Like honestly, screw all those people, i feel like ive done NOTHING so horrible to make people dislike or distrust me so severely so i feel like i dont owe anyone a damn thing. why would i just sit complacently waiting to get picked off at 5/6 and put all my eggs in one basket when i single handedly can change the whole game right now, and thats exactly what i plan on doing. At this point im TIRED of people overlooking me and thinking they can play this game around me and get away with it, but whatever, YALL WANTED GOOD TV, YALL WANTED A SHOW WELL BUCKLE UP BECAUSE YALL MAY BE GOOD AT THIS GAME AND GOOD AT BEING FAKE, BUT YALL DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT YOURSELVES INTO WITH ME, IN THE WISE WORDS OF TAMMIE BROWN, YOU WANTED CRAZY, WELL YOU GOT IT NOW ali was SHOOK when i spilled the beans to him, and i told him like look this is me giving you my trust because he's the only person who's shown me respect besides autumn and even if he wasnt being genuine, at least he's being SMART AND GUESS WHAT IT'S GONNA SAVE HIS GAME BECAUSE BITCH HE TOLD ME HOW HE HAS THE IDOL- NOT JUST ONE, BUTTWO OF THEM FJADHSKJFH GORL FIRST OF ALL im so happy i can STOP PLAYING 2048 THAT DAMN GAME WAS GOING TO BE MY UNDOING, SECOND OF ALL I LITERALLY CACKLED ON CALL WHEN HE TOLD ME, I KNEW I COULD TRUST MY GUT ABOUT HIM, OH AND IT GETS EVEN BETTER HE ALSO HAS THE IDOL NULLIFIER EFSDKAJH WHICH MEANS....if we play our cards right......we can take out whoever we want, maybe everyone was right to be scared of us. I'd be scared, i think they should all be scared, yall wanted to say fuck my drag time and time again, well watch me bring it to the runway now. we also agreed we need to let autumn in on this, which could be either the BEST or WORST move....i really THINK i can trust autumn, her and ali are hands down my #1/2 in the game, and devon right behind, although if we pull this off, i told them both i dont want to get devon since he let me know this, i think even if i blindside him and dont let him know, i can at least justify myself enough to him and let him know him going home was still never an option, but i called autumn right after ali and told her all the same tea and at first she was kinda hesitant about it all, but i knew her and jakey had a good relationship so the hardest part for me i think was making her really believe he's against her which i think i did a good job of making her believe because she SPILLED the tea to me about how her/ali/jakey had an alliance, and i absolutely did just kick him out and take his place oop, which i dont trust jake at all because something about him/amir/augusto is so shady, you mean to tell me they voted you out and he hasnt tried to go for them or vice versa this whole time.... my gut is telling me they're in kahoots, and would 100% be a solid 3 against me down the line... my whole game rn hinges on autumn believing me because its the TRUTH i just told her what i was told but clearly i painted it a little more my way oops, so as of now the plan is autumn and me will both keep playing dumb tomorrow, then around 7 pm we're gonna "tell ali" the plan (which i already told him) but autumn doesnt know he has the idol yet, so ali will confirm it to her, and we'll make our move. I'm going to push for it to be amir, i want him OUT OF THIS GAME. im SICK of him and augusto prancing around like the wicked step sisters and treating me like cinderella. but who knows, maybe devon telling me was strategy on his part so i tell ali and we flush the idol and they vote autumn, but i have to hope that all those people are good enough with autumn that they dont want to do that just yet... but i mean, ali does have 2 so we already said if we feel like we need to use both, one for him and one for autumn, it's an option. Also if any of them have the idol ... this could become a mess if someone plays one right after ali, this could also just fall apart if they split the votes 3/3 sedkfha the odds of me actually getting my way....are feeling slim, but im gonna be hopeful because it's all i got, if this works, it could be my winning move, but if it fails, and there's a high chance it fails.... im gone next round... but with ali staying i dont think thatll happen, he's a shield for me and someone i can trust, im taking a page from the michele winners at war book, and he's my jeremy. I trust him, and i need him in this game for at least a few more rounds or im just gonna be dragged along and disposed of at some point. And if i leave then whatever at least i can say i caused chaos, which im always down for.

So I think Ali is getting sketched out by this vote, so now I am working with Jakey and Devon to figure out a plan to make Ali feel safe and not play an idol. But I'm like... oh dear... this could really blow up in our faces if this doesn't work. And I'm over here trying to communicate now to everyone what is going on so that they don't panic and I'm like... wasn't I just on the bottom? Now I feel like I have some kind of power again? I like this feeling, but also, it be scary as fuck.

If last round was the calm before the storm, this round is a full on hurricane of a vote. I have spent the past round or so trying to rally the troops against Ali and I think it can finally happen? He has two idols, a vote reveal, a idol blocker, and a killer social game so these people need to smell the roses and get him out. I really hope I don’t leave but if this is my undoing, at least I tried to make a move! 

tribal is in a few hours and i have a WHOLE ass headache because i dont know what's gonna happen....so last night devon LITERALLY told me everyone but me/autumn were gonna be in the vote against ali... but then today he's telling me jake doesnt know he thinks......am i crazy? did i mishear?? or is he trying to gaslight me.....because i KNOW what i heard and i literally led this whole jake slander campaign to autumn and ali, autumn doesnt think we can trust jakey because i can see devon feeling nervous after telling me that and then they try to tell jake to get in good with us so he knows our plan, but it also doesnt really make sense if jakey works with them unless my conspiracy about him/amir being in kahoots makes sense....so i dont fucking know what's happening, if it were up to me this would stay between me/autumn/ali and we'll ask for forgiveness rather than permission on the next day... autumn/ali are on call rn and theyre supposed to let me know after because autumn is supposed to "spill" the tea to ali (which i already spilled last night) and then we'll go from there because since he does have the idol we just need to place our votes very carefully in conclusion; there's gonna be some angry gays one way or another after tribal (and a few confused heteros)

I don’t think anyone respects me... which is annoying because I am currently playing a social game. But even more annoying because nobody listens to me!!!!!! Like literally all we have to do is switch to Autumn!!!! Switch to Autumn and everything will be fine and no one is willing to do that. Ugghhhhhhh god damnit I’m going to lose my mind.

I WILL CONFESS LATER BUT WE ARE SENDING DEVON OUT 4-3 AND IM GONNA IDOL MYSELF BECAUSE IM SCARED... IM READY TO BE IN FINAL EIGHT AND IM READY TO FIGHT.

Fucking THIS AND ALL THESE FKING PEOPLE IM SO DONE, I literally have no course of action, I’ve went through every single plan in my mind and every single one reaches a dead end, I don’t know the details of how the idol block and vote reveal work I can’t switch the vote to jakey, because Ali will vote reveal and then idol jakey and then I’m left with 4 people who want me dead and jakey blowing up my game I can’t split on autumn and Ali because we don’t have the votes without jakey I can’t fucking do anything at all I have to be passive, but I have to be alert Ali isn’t gonna go, jakey isn’t gonna go, autumn won’t, and adam wont It’s going to be me or my allies So I just have to try and make it not me at this point 

I think devon is about to leave and like, that is okay, just be who you are 

[sparknotes38]

today was just... fucking weird. im still kinda like, trying to figure out how i feel about that conversation. and like how much dua knows about my sex life? or lol fucking talks to other people about it??? and if freya only talks about it and not other things? maybe i gotta pull back? or like maybe she likes that more and i shouldn’t do the sappy shit as much? i thought she liked that.  but maybe i was wrong. sure yeah i can look at it like she keeps the love shit to herself and brags about the sex to dua but it’s still kinda, got me off. i think cause i dont want people to think i only want her for amazing sex... like, yeah that’s fucking awesome, but shes so fucking intelligent, witty, gorgeous, genuine, and kindest soul. she’s way more than bragging rights. lol maybe im not though

then like it feels like sometimes when talking to parker, hes walking on eggshells. hes not telling me shit. hes not wanting to put more shit on me than i can handle. and i dont want to say hes pitying me but god its starting to feel it.  going easy on me and not wanting to give me more shit to think about so hes not even talking about himself now. who knew with weakening friendships was a side effect of kidney failure. i have a hard time holding a conversation with people apparently so im just gunna stop trying. parker can have all the friends since they seem to like talking to him more anyways. 

meeting freyas parents also.... its gunna be hard not to punch out her dad.  i hate him. i hate her mom too. how she lets him treat freya like that.  she never did anything WRONG.  she’s a fucking angel save for some sarcastic remarks but hey i find that attractive so whatever.  i cant believe the man wouldnt want her around because, fuck, she’s everything anyone could ever want in a daughter.  my mom gushes over her and loves her like shes already part of the family and freyas own mom calls up t tell her she’s cut out? like god what th fuck is that. theyre just horrible selfish fucking assholes and parker’s right im gunna need two xanax to get me through that dinner. 

and finally this is probably all plaguing me cause tomorrow is looming and im fucking freaking out.  i dont want it. i dont want to go. freyas asleep and i left the apartment, got in my car and just drove until i could pull off in the middle of nowhere and scream.  i. dont. want. this. i want to be normal. i want to be healthy, what in teh fucking hell did i ever do to deserve this. sitting on the side of the road sobbing cause i just dont fucking know what to do anymore. i dont know how to stop it. i cant stop it. i fucking cant. i want to but its just so fucking there and its me im fucking broken. im so fucking broken and ruining so much.  i cant keep seeing my mom cry like that. i cant stop thinking im gunna die before my grandparents. where the fuck is god in all this? oh he gave it to me cause i could handle it. FUCK THAT. i cant handle this shit. i keep trying. stiff upper lip and just walking through like its nothing. dads proud of me how good im taking it but im dying inside. literally and figuratively. dialysis is just prolonging the inevitable. i dont want to take anders kidney. thats the secret. the real secret. im going on dialysis cause i rather wait my turn on the list than put my little brother though this. fucking. hell.