#i take SNRIs every day and have a history of suicidal ideation/behavior going back as far as i can remember
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"This is gonna be my last pack for sure. I'm gonna taper myself off," i say, three days before i get someone to buy me a second pack
#i worked a graveyard shift and on the way home i drove around for 2 hours#and at a gas station i saw a homeless guy ive talked to a few times and paid him to get me a pack#idk i feel bad about it#like he agreed and he got something out of it too but it feels like a shitty thing to have done#like i feel manipulative for it#and on top of that there's the guilt for getting a second pack at all#bc how am i ever gonna quit if i keep doing that?#like i only have a year to stop#because once i turn 21 and have easy access it's gonna be a thousand times harder#and the issue is that i don't WANT to stop#i just don't want to die at 60 from a heart attack#and that's what's gonna happen if i never quit#like heart attacks are one of the most common smoking fatalities#and heart issues already run in my family#and i already take adderall (adhd not recreational) which probably puts strain on my heart even without smoking#but i really really like being able to smoke#i like having something i can fall back on#and it's so easy to imagine a life where i never make myself give that up#and there's also the added benefit that it feels.... validating? in a way?#like it feels like proof that i struggle with shit#bc healthy people aren't addicted to cigarettes#and that almost feels manipulative too#bc i already HAVE proof that i struggle with shit#i take SNRIs every day and have a history of suicidal ideation/behavior going back as far as i can remember#which means this isn't about validation#it's about wanting other people to see that I'm struggling and assume things are worse than they are#and tbh maybe it's about wishing things WERE worse than they are#like if my mental health is bad enough for me to be a smoker then maybe it's bad enough for me to act the way i do#but deep down i know that's not really true#i chose to start smoking and i had to go out of my way to do it
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