#i still haven't entirely recovered; could be a damn while

[thedevillionaire]

I think my soul left my body.

As of request by @athousandblessings and @agatha-twisty (kind of) and because @thedevillionaire was so kind as to let me borrow him, here's what I did...

Cerberus is @thedevillionaire's marvelous OC.

[sluttybwunni]

a pirates greed (m)

[send me requests i like them]

masterpost : recent

pairing : afab!reader x monkey d. luffy

✸ ... synopsis: after saving an entire country, luffy just needs his favourite stress reliever all to himself

wc: 3.6k

warnings : established relationship, porn w minimum plot, post-wano luffy being a whore !!! absolutely rough nasty nd animalistic, unprotected (cmon yall know better), petty argument, faded law, reader is a lil mean, your captain just loves eating you out! use of devil fruit (canon), creampie, drool kink, luffy has a lip ring, overstimulation, mention of blood, praise kink (both parties), cumplay, semi-public, oral (m rec)

getting severe brain rot from just thinking about how needy and greedy luffy would be during a post-battle victory banquet...

especially after how nicely that black dress outlined your ass.

he just wants to put his hands all over you, but nami's banned him from any physically exerting activity, including dancing since he's still recovering from the damage he took.

poor guy almost begged to have himself buried in your sopping cunt, whimpering and gasping under you because he's been so stressed after all that fighting!

it's only right you help your boyfriend release all that pent-up energy right?

but to his dismay you were busy with traffy, his tattooed hands tracing over the thin fabric of your dress as you two danced.

"damn him." luffy chanted in his head continuously, wishing you'd stop focusing on law and pay attention to him instead.

your captain worked so hard to defeat kaido.. so why are you smiling and spending time with law instead? that's not fair. you should be rewarding luffy with your touch for being so strong all the time, no?

he couldn't even hear zoro's drunken babbling as he fixated his eyes on the two of you from his table. luffy thought it was too polite of you to let law touch you like that... way too polite. no longer able to deal with the ache in his shorts. though what made his heart palpitate the most was how the both of you seemed to be having a jolly fun time. he grazes his teeth over his lips, excusing himself from his best friend before stumbling towards the dance floor to reach you and law.

"actually i already rolled some spliffs, we can go outside n hit some right now if you'd like," law said with a deep chuckle, gazing at you with his half-lidded eyes. "go do that with your side, look he's starin' at you as i speak." you joke, nodding your head in the direction of kidd as law harshly exhales, rolling his eyes."fffucking hell will you drop that? i was zooted outta my mind when i said.." your conversation gets cut short when you feel pair of hands other than law's snake around your waist from behind.

you momentarily freeze— only to find relief when you hear luffy's voice. he's clinging onto you, snuggling his face into the crook of your neck. the threads of his strawhat slightly bent against your skin as luffy pressed himself closer; hiding the stony expression on his face. “(name).. you've been dancin' with traffy the whole time. it's annoying.” luffy whined against your earlobe. your captain continued to press and grind his body against you, something hard rubbing against your ass.

"i know luffy.. but me and law haven't properly hung since we left zou." you responded as luffy lifted his head from the warmth of your body to send law a glare while you both tried keeping balance on the floor as the surrounding crowd of people continued dancing. "so (name)-ya you coming? strawhat can tagalong if he wants." law spoke, putting his hands in his pockets as he glanced towards the exit.

"w--"

“nuh uhn..” luffy shook his head before you could even respond, his face wincing in a grimace.

"luffy, i—"

"no."

"you're supposed to rest lu.. you're still recovering" you softly exhaled, turning in his grip so you could face him. "well ya could've just stuck around me. ion like that you spent time with tra-guy in the first place." luffy continues whining, his voice growing annoyed and impatient.

he seemed restless, his breath uneven. "also ya promised you'd only dance with me." you giggled, scanning the way his pretty lips formed a pout, eyebrows furrowed in disappointment. “don't worry, it won't happen again lu, you're still my number one dance partner.. and i spent all day with you yesterday, n the day before.” you respond, letting another giggle leave your lips.

but luffy doesn't find it funny, he slowly loosens his grip on your waist— tossing his lip ring through his teeth as his obsidian eyes look into yours. "this is the thing with you, ya don't keep your promises (name)." he mutters his voice going a little deeper causing your smile to fall. wait.. huh?

"what's that even mean?" you retort. luffy's feeling all sorts of emotions right now.. but he can't tell why his breath is so shaky, or why his heart was feeling heavy. he'd been so stressed over the past few weeks, the pent-up anger was possibly getting to him.

“you keep breaking ya promises! thats what it means.” luffy snaps. for a second his eyes soften after he realizes he raised his voice, but he doesn’t move from his position, hands still on your waist. law, witnessing the sudden quarrel— decides to walk off leaving the two of you alone.

the tension between you felt heavy. "the fuck? luffy since when have i broken any of our promises. me and law well, dancing just.. happened. it didn't even mean anything we're friends." now you were getting agitated. "that's not even the main problem.." he muttered, luffy's gaze eats you up— and the glint in his eyes almost speak a magnitude of unsaid words.

"..i'm YOUR boyfriend (name), ya didn't like when hancock was all over me so why—" "can you stop bringing that bitch up??" you knew it wasn't great of you to dance with law all while your boyfriend was watching you, but you didn't think it'd be that big of a problem. you trace your hands over his— removing them as you angrily turn around to stride away. but you can never really get away from a man with the power to stretch, so luffy beats you to wherever you thought you were walking off to, stretching his arm and pulling your body back towards him.

“m’sorry… i— (name) i'm just feelin stressed right now. can you please just...” luffy rasps in a softer tone trailing off as his arms cage you. you stay silent for a couple of moments, trying to process the exchange of words you shared seconds ago. but the more he presses your back against him, the more you feel the stiffness between his legs. you don't quite know what to say, so you turn 180 degrees to press a hot kiss against his lips.

luffy's taken aback by the suddenness, but that doesn't stop him from enjoying it. he returns what you gave to him passionately. pulling you even closer, as if he's wanting to get completely lost in the kiss. you hum against his lips when luffy swivels his hips, grinding his dick against your inner thighs.

he seems so eager, so desperate for you and it shows. really lost in the kiss and in the moment, as if all he can think about is being balls deep in your dewy cunt. and who's to say you don't want him just as much. the way luffy's frenching you seems almost animalistic, and you could feel how he's having trouble controlling himself with every passing second that you're pressed against him. trying so hard to maintain his composure.

and when you break the messy kiss, a string of saliva still adjoining your lips— your captain looks at you with a blush, still panting heavily. watching the drool that slowly dripped from the corner of luffy's mouth was something that shouldn't have been so hot to you.

his eyes travel up and down your body and back to your lips. the faint taste of mango luffy had gotten drove him insane. he loved when you slathered your plump lips with lipgloss, regardless of the flavour or color— and he adored making a mess of it, ruining it. his own lips being stained a hint of red.

luffy seems lost again. almost unable to think by himself. he leans towards you once more, seemingly going in for another kiss. but he stops himself for a moment to admire how soft you feel— hands grasping your ass through the flimsy fabric of your dress. your head was spinning, maybe from the shots you took earlier, or the way luffy had devoured your mouth. "i-"

"shut up." you huff out, pulling him towards the nearest slightly secluded space you could find. and luckily, there was a nicely lit room with a thick futon neatly unfolded on the carpeted ground. pressing him against the wall, you brought a nasty, wet kiss to luffy's lips once more. one that left his stomach fluttering. he sucked and drug his tongue back and forth against yours, in the messiest ways he could think of. too lost in your lips to get off of the surface behind him.

he couldn't help the blood that rushed even more to his cock once you tugged hard on his hair. luffy couldn't put it into words, but he was such a slut for the way you painfully grasped his raven locks every time you enjoyed something. he muttered your name a couple of times between heavy breaths before he quickly wriggled out of the red material of his top letting you suction your way down his neck, teeth grazing his collarbone.

and you didn’t need any command to lower your head and place luffy's nipple between your lips. you only bothered to unbutton and drop his shorts low enough to free his aching dick, rock-hard and covered with pre-cum. fuck you wanted to slobber all over his length so bad. though luffy catches you by a fistful of your hair, preventing you from going further.

"stop, i wanna suck." you whine out, but luffy shakes his head, pulling his boxers up just enough to cover past the tip of his cock. pushing his back from off the door- he lays himself on the futon, hauling you with him. "no, i want you t’ sit on my face first." for a second, you stilled, as if the statement shocked you. "you... you want that?" you tested the waters, but luffy didn't just want it. he needed it.

"please… i’ll make ya cum so good (name) just sit on my face." luffy insists, eyes glossed over. face sitting was something he'd yearned to try with you for so long. so impatiently, he pulls you to straddle him, your dress sliding up your thighs. he wastes no time ripping the expensive fabric of your panties— taking a few moments to rub the pads of his calloused fingers along the wet patch you left beforehand.

you nervously let him pull you further up by the hips until your pussy is just above his mouth, the scent of your sweet arousal hitting his nose. “smell so good (name) m’gonna taste you now yeah?” “please do captain” you respond breathlessly. and before you could take another breath, luffy’s making out with your cunt— tongue lapping vigorously over your clit sending a pleasurable shiver up your spine.

you immediately try to raise your hips afraid you’ll suffocate him if you give in to the pleasure, but luffy’s hands grip your thighs painfully, preventing you from squirming away. because luffy doesn’t care if he suffocates as long as he’s got his tongue sloping in and through your folds. and something about knowing how anyone could walk into this room, seeing the two of you sent electricity through your core.

you felt the coolness of luffy's lip ring make contact with you constantly, and you couldn’t quite decipher his muffled words, but you could tell by the way he desperately stuffed his face between your legs that he was in ecstasy. “sso.. mmh feels good lu!” you barely manage voicing out, already close to your on-coming high.

but as much as luffy wants to stay between your thick thighs and fuck you with his mouth, he was restless, and hard. feeling his own heartbeat pulsing right at the tip of his dick. he suctions at your clit roughly, earning a loud cry from you before you’re already cumming— a slightly clear stream of liquid flowing from your cunt.

and of course, luffy being the greedy man he is takes everything you give him, leaving your cunt only after he’s had his fill. “taste n' look so pretty when you cum..” he coo's almost cheerfully before moistening his lips, a more serious look returning to his face as you free your legs from his face.

"here, taste yourself pretty" he whispers, pressing a slow kiss against your lips. though you only manage to come back to your senses enough to comprehend that he's torn off your nice pair off underwear, feigning a faux an annoyed look. "does ripping all my expensive lingerie get you off or something?"

"m'to impatient to take it off slowly.." he pouts, as you drag yourself off of him.

“is that so..? my turn now.” you whisper, before you're on off of him and on your knees tugging roughly at his unbuttoned shorts causing them to slightly tear.

"hey! those were m—"

you cut luffy short before he could complain about your petty revenge, giving the tip of his cock slow kitten licks and a few pumps before sealing your lips around it's pretty head, making him let out a throaty whine as you take or inches of him.

"i'll forgive ya if you open your mouth n take me deeper.." luffy breaths out lowly fully relaxed on his back now. one hand under his head and the other, guiding yours. you part your lips further, warm breaths of air fanning over his flushed tip.

“ahh.. fuckk baby— use that pretty mouth like you do best” luffy slurs, and something in you almost switches like a trigger. his coaxing encouraging the worst in you. especially since it was incredibly rare of him to use pet names with you. so you suddenly take as much his size as you can luffy shuddering in pleasure.

every ridge and vein on his length felt as your drag your tongue, every lick and suck of your mouth on him resulting in obscenity; gagging, wet noises, moaning. everything only making your hole flutter more.

his shut tight. opening them after a few seconds, to admire how your lips sank down on his cock. "gooddd, it's like ya mouth was made jus for— nggh.. sucking off your captain huh?"

"hold on.." you suddenly whisper, causing luffy to whine from the lost warmth. you take something out from between your cleavage. what was so important that you needed to stop? and suddenly he tenses his thighs.. you're scribbling on his cock. it tickles and it’s heaven. luffy couldn't even see what you are creating, but the sensation was fucking amazing. especially since he was so sensitive.

“thereee” you say, admiring your work.

“so pretty.”

“what did you do? i wanna see”, luffy begs, squirming needily. and you raise your hand, waving the wand of your cherry red lipgloss in your hand. luffy glances down to look at his aching cock, to find the words. 'all mine ♡' scribbled in red.

something about that act felt so endearing to him that luffy felt he'd tear up from the gesture— and from the fact that you were teasing his poor friend. he gives you a lazy smile. but as his eyes wander the room, he finds himself making eye contact with the tall mirror that but on a perfect display of your backside. you were almost on all fours now as you slobbered his cock, head tilted down and ass pointed up.

it looked so soft, and you looked ever so stunning. unfortunately for you, luffy was as restless as ever. he could never control himself whenever he saw that damn ass of yours. so you didn't blame him when he tugged on a fist-full of your hair to get you off his cock.

"wait m'not—"

"(name)... i— wanna fuck you from behind, please can't wait anymore.. want ya to put that cute ass on me."

"you're so impatient."

well, who were you to deny captains orders?

with a quick sound rustling of fabric, you'd immediately discarded your dress, pressing your face down into the futon as luffy teased your hole momentarily with the head of his cock. holding you in place by the hips and seconds later, he's already buried inside you— stuffing himself to the hilt. so fucking tight he thought.

luffy bit down onto his lip muffling the whimpers that endlessly slipped from his mouth— to the point that it drew a bit of blood. he pounded like he wanted everyone near to know, to hear how he was making a mess out of you. though he was shameless enough for it, luffy couldn't decide whether he wanted to be the only one that got to see your messy cum stuffed cunny, or if he wanted a live audience as he fucked you to the point of drooling. and who's to say you would mind the latter?

head thrown back in pleasure, his dark hair stringy from sweat, his furrowed eyebrows as you continue to tighten and clench around him, pulling you further onto his cock. he giggles breathily, "l-love when you squeeze me like that" only earning a incomprehensible mumble from you. something about the way he moaned and spoke was so ..slutty.

"cmonn.. i know ya can talk louder than that!" he sneers, and that was luffy's favourite part about doing this with you. he loved pleasuring you to the point of not being able to speak, knowing he's the only one who can make you this dumb on dick.

he loved the freedom that came with exploring new ways to make eachother feel good, and nothing made him happier than sharing in such freedom with you.

luffy's hands roughly fist your hair, pulling your head up in order to better show you what he's doing to you. "look in the mirror (name), look how gorgeous ya- gaahh, look when you're all fucked out. see? so pretty baby~" he taunts.

"gonna cum, wan' cream all over you!"

"yeah? captain's dick feels that good?" he lets off another breathy moan. "y-ya like it when i stretch ya out like this?" and when you let out a string of praises chanting his name like your life depended, he decided you deserved a treat in return for always being this good for him. so luffy bit down on his thumb and blew until you felt an unfamiliar sensation deep in your guts causing you to mewl out. he was way bigger all of a sudden, and his cock seemed to fill and rub against areas you'd never known could be reached.

"ah luffy thats.. you're- so deep” you almost wanted to sob as he watched you wriggle under him, your senses overloading from the stimulation luffy inflicts upon you. it was crazy how he could be so sweet and caring with you one moment, and the next having every bone in your body tingling from euphoria.

"keep— ah god.. moanin' out like that! let tra-guy know that yer all mine" luffy rasped, only further perusing with his erratic pace. it was ruthless almost— and hearing those pretty sounds from you didn't help the burning sensation he felt in his lower stomach.

"sso- so close!"

"pl-please need you to fill me full with your seed.." you whimper feeling your knees almost buckle when his cock starts to forcefully rub against your cervix.

"i gotcha! gonna.. stuff you up- mmm, so good n watch it spill out.." he laughs between his far from quiet moans, one of his hands tracing your ass until he snakes it down between your legs, rubbing at your clit without mercy. your vision blurred and your fingers gripped at the futon tightly, “ah fuck! L-LUFFY! LUFFY!"

and as you finally cum around him, clenching around his pulsating length once more. "that's it! so good baby, so good..!" he continues to fuck into you, hitting deeply over and over again, pushing you into the softness below— then it's his turn to orgasm. his sticky white filling your womb until it started to leak out. luffy pulls out just in time for your body to slump down onto the cushioned surface.

but he doesn't let go of your hips just yet. luffy's gaze hazily follows the milk colored substance that seeps out of your fluttering cunt as he draws heavy breaths. taking his middle and index working them into your sensitivity— watching the string of cum that shadows his fingers as he pulls them out.

luffy being luffy, couldn't help but want to taste it, because what would be the point of all this work if everything went to waste?

"say ahhh." was the only thing you could make out, before you're being flipped onto your back, a strong hand resting on your chin. through your blurred sight— you watched luffy lick two of his fingers slowly, savoringly before he gathers the drool in his mouth letting it drip down to yours. and you let him, letting your mouth hang agape to accept every bit of his filth.

"swallow... atta girl..!" he smiled brightly watching the lewd expression you made tasting your guys aftermath. he runs his hands back to your ass, kneading it slowly but without any ulterior motive other than that he loves holding it when you calm down together.

"i love you (name) m'sorry i got so mad at you earlier."

"no, i should apologize. you were injured n bored and i wasn't even checking up on you."

"speaking of injuries.. i think still i need some stress therapy." luffy says with a sly grin, laying beside you on the futon.

you catch on almost too quickly, shaking your head— breath still uneven. "no no no, we're done. we can't have any of your wounds reopening."

"don't ya wanna suck me off still? a bit of head can't do any harm!"

"you realize this room has no door right?"

"......when has that ever stopped us?"

oh god.

©2023 sluttybwunni  ‎   you are not to plagiarize, translate, modify or post my content on tumblr nor any other platforms.

... ✸ a/n: i was baked past cloud 9 when i wrote the other half of this but, ion wanna hear noone say shit such as “luffy ain’t slutty like that” nah man he is 🙏 down with sex ignorant luffy !!! #ace luffy is still canon but so is slut luff

tags !! @svanesworld , @selkiemaiden , @dilvcslut , @iluvs-world , @eaves-dropper , @yourmumsthings , @sanjisblackasswife , @roronoaswifey , @movie-enthusiast22 , @luffypedia , @pandoras-box0 , @xxdiaqiaoxx , @girlmeetsbullshit , @n9hida , @w9vyy , @juno443 , @roronoazorohater , @soloplayer0901 , @deathkidz

[acowardinmordor]

I'm never going to write it, so here, enjoy some suffering as I combine multiple fics and tropes into a bouillabaisse of angst.

----

Eddie isn't quite dead when Steve, Robin and Nancy get back to them. Since the gates are starting to weaken, it's a mad rush to get everyone through. Steve gets Nancy and Dustin through so they can at least sort of help catch Eddie -- who is entirely unconscious and lacking a lot of blood. The gate is narrowing, the Upside Down is trembling, and Steve doesn't ask, just hefts Robin up and gets her through.

She makes it, but by the time she lands and looks up to yell for him to haul ass, everyone can tell that Steve won't make it through. The gate is too narrow and they don't know, they won't risk finding out what happens if the gate closes on him.

It's closing with exponential decay, so the slow creep it started with becomes a rush, and he yells for them to get to the damn hospital.

Then he's gone.

And look, they're furious and horrified and yes, they want to go after him right this second, but Eddie is dying and Dustin's leg is broken, and they don't even know if Max is okay. Besides, its not like they know how to open a gate.

It's a few days before Team Cali gets to Hawkins, and everyone, including Max in three casts begs El to open a gate.

And she can't. Something about how Henry died, something about the hivemind and the interconnection to the whole world. She knows it's still there, but she can't reach it. She can't find Steve either.

So a few days becomes a week, and Will won't answer questions, because he knows what its like to be alone there, and telling the others when there's no hope of rescue is cruel.

Then Eddie wakes up, coherent for the first time after the infection and the fever and the pain meds. They tell him, and they try to prevent the survivor's guilt - which was already awful - from destroying him. Robin gets it. She was the last through. Steve could have gone first and left her there, but they both know he never would.

They bond over it in the next few weeks as he recovers and leaves the hospital with a few hundred stitches.

After a month, they hold a small memorial, even though they haven't reported it. Without a body, it would take more paperwork than any of them can bear to complete.

The G-men took the Munson trailer, so he, Robin and Wayne are at Harrington's place for now. And if Eddie snoops a little when the others are at work, learning more about this idiot that died instead of him, its understandable.

The way he has all the scraps of his relationship with Nancy, dwarfed by the notes and dumb gifts and mementos of the gremlins. The enormous first aid kit, right next to the enormous supply of hair spray. The box of things from before '83, shoved in a corner, but not forgotten. Post its with important dates. A bank statement showing that his parents left him the house, but no money to cover upkeep or taxes. A scratchy budget where Steve so obviously prioritized his friends over himself.

Eddie learns about Steve Harrington and wishes he could trade places. Eddie is selfish and an asshole and a failure, and he isn't worth what it cost to save his life.

No matter what Robin says about being last through, Eddie knows it must have taken longer to move him, so if it wasn't for Eddie, Steve would have made it. If Eddie had died instead of clinging to life --

When Eddie develops a cough, everyone winces in sympathy as his still achy wounds protest the movement. When his cough gets worse, they consider contacting Owens about Upside Down pathogens.

When he has a coughing fit while the others are out, and ends up with a few blood stained petals in his hand, it takes a few seconds for him to understand.

It takes a few more for it to really land.

He spends the next hour over the toilet, first vomiting, then dry heaving as he sobs.

Because see, Hanahaki might be rare and a remnant of ancient magics, but it's well studied. The sufferer has to be in love and pining. They have to have no hope of the person they love ever reciprocating.

It isn't always fatal. If they confess, and they're rejected, they'll die within a day. If they confess, and it's reciprocated, the flowers fade within a day. If they fall out of love, the flowers fade within a week. If they stay silent they'll live another month from the first petals.

There is a surgery that can remove the affliction and the affection. It's safe, it's a priority treatment in every hospital, and the only side effect is emotional disconnection from the person who caused it.

But none of that is what has Eddie sobbing.

Cause see there's another thing that science knows for sure. Hanahaki will not, does not, absolutely cannot bloom if the person they love is dead.

[clatterbane]

While I am evidently on a ranting roll tonight, it also really fucking bothered me that the new endocrinologist that I happened to see for a routine yearly diabetes check-in a few weeks back, after the last one moved? She apparently decided that as essentially an ethnic minority of one here, I look weird enough that it might well be pathological.

(I would probably feel a little different about it if she weren't also from anothet ethnic minority--albeit one that is MUCH more common locally and in this country at large. It doesn't hit quite the same that way, but I still found it pretty damned offensive.)

It also didn't help that my basic build helped get me treated like garbage so much under the NHS--with definite racial undertones at times. I would just as soon never hear a single word about my meat form again, which is not very directly relevant to the issue I have come in over, and in a non-fatphobic way.

But yeah, I have ended up looking like a lot of my mother's family in middle age. If one of the thinner versions these days.

Shitty crop of me with my mom, 20 years and at least 50 lbs. ago.

We have big kinda flat faces with barrel chests and big shoulders--and our arms and legs also turn skinnier-looking by comparison to the big old torso as we get older. No matter how much meat is over it (and I am still fairly scrawny now!), you are still gonna be mostly shoulders and a ribcage which is NOT dainty. Mr. C half-laughingly backed me up that half my family is just Like This, and he hasn't even seen all the extended clan together.

And the (very) extended family resemblance kinda goes farther than that. (Thus the ethnic part being very fucking relevant.) I don't always necessarily like it, but that's just how we're made.

So yeah, that new endo decided to send me to be tested for Cushing's Syndrome, entirely based on eyeballing.

Look, it's me! Go off, I guess.

(She also asked some pointed questions like whether my freakishly skinny arms made it difficult to wheel myself around in the chair. Erm, NOPE, not at all. Absolutely no symptoms other than striking her as Wrong Looking. She also recorded in the notes which I can see online, that I was getting less exercise than I said I was--very possibly mentally filtering my actual answer through that Freakish Twig Limb perception.)

What gets me even worse is that I DO totally coincidentally have experience with Cushing's, from when I got that pituitary tumor in my teens. She knew nothing about this when she brought the subject up out of the blue.

As the first medical professional to ever do so over the past 30-odd years, I might add. Nobody who has actually been aware of that history has triggered on it either.

Cushing's is very noticeable and very hard to live with! I got extremely sick, gained like 80 lbs. over a year from it, and developed the actual corticosteroid moonface then! Nobody much wanted to listen to me at the time, likely mostly because AFAB teenager! But, I do know very well what that fucking feels like!

But yeah, that thankfully got fixed and I haven't experienced symptoms for like 30 years. That whole experience was also very freaking traumatic, which is probably not helping my reaction now with it getting brought back up so bizarrely and unexpectedly. (Also, could I somehow be secretly Very Sick now without realizing it?! I do very much rationally doubt it, but doubt still keeps nagging at me.)

I guess I had better play along for now. In a way, it is good to see another demonstration that they don't seem to do the same kind of foolish pennypinching here as under the NHS. They will refer you for whatever testing they think is necessary, even if that sometimes includes a labwork wild goose chase based on some terrible assumptions! I would rather have them be thorough, even when it's dumb as hell and kinda insulting.

I am indeed pretty confident that I just look like a middle-aged $SURNAME from another freaking continent, who is also recovering from malnutrition and still pretty scrawny. (Which the doc was aware of.) I am also still feeling some kind of way about this fact setting off weird alarm bells in some new doctor that I am stuck dealing with for the foreseeable future.

I could easily make some of my own unflattering speculations based on her appearance, which was very different from my own. Sorta Marfanoid, with buggy eyes possibly indicating thyroid issues? (Maybe there's also some wider ethnic thing going on there too, for all I know. I have seen a lot more folks from her part of the world than basically anyone here has from mine!)

But yeah, that really really would not go over too well. And it's not my place either.

[howlingtides]

Dazai visits Chuuya after Chuuya used Corruption to save him (Chuuya's POV)

Takes place immediately after Dead Apple

tags: hurt/comfort, soukoku's version of fluff, Chuuya has chronic pain

Every time Chuuya activated Corruption, it took him a little longer to recover. When he was younger, he'd sleep it off in a few hours. The last couple of times, it had taken him maybe a day or two.

It had been three days since he'd defeated that dragon and saved Dazai's ass, and his entire body still felt like it had been crushed beneath the pressure of his own ability.

It was absolutely brutal.

He'd definitely exceeded the recommended dose of painkillers over the last seventy-two hours, and though they did help a bit, it still wasn't enough. His head throbbed and his muscles burned and his bones ached and it took every ounce of effort he had to get out of bed and force himself to eat something.

All he had left in the fridge was some leftover rice and a half empty bottle of white wine, and cooking was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He opted for the rice, popping the lid off the container and grabbing a pair of chopsticks and bringing everything with him over to the couch where he all but fell against the cushions with a groan.

He'd just taken his first bite when there was a knock at the door.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

It crossed his mind to play absent, to let whoever was here think he wasn't home so they would go away and just leave him the fuck alone while he wallowed in his post-Corruption agony.

"Chuuuuuyaaa," came a sing-song voice from outside, another knock following suit.

Oh he was definitely pretending that he wasn't home.

"I know you're in there," Dazai said. "I can feel you pouting."

Damn it all to hell.

"Go to hell you goddamn coat rack."

"But Chuuya," he pressed, "I come bearing gifts."

Gifts? What the hell could shitty Dazai have possibly brought him?

He pondered it for a moment before ultimately deciding that this was a losing battle. Chuuya was either going to let Dazai in or Dazai was going to eventually let himself in.

He set the rice down on the coffee table and pushed himself up with a grunt, dragging himself over to the front door. And he must've been in worse shape than he thought because the moment he opened the door, Dazai's stupid smile faded a little.

Just a little.

But it was enough.

"Please don't," Chuuya said before Dazai could comment on his appearance.

"Don't what?"

"Just. Don't." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Not today."

They stood there in silence for a moment as Chuuya held his breath.

Eventually, Dazai held up a brown paper bag. "In the mood for some carbonara?"

Chuuya was always in the mood for carbonara, and shitty Dazai knew that, but Chuuya was not in the mood for company, and Dazai probably knew that, too.

It was then that Chuuya's stomach growled and he remembered the cold white rice he was about to eat.

Begrudgingly, he stepped aside, allowing Dazai to enter.

It was also then that he realized how dark his apartment was. He'd kept all the blinds closed and the lights off because everything hurt and the light hurt, but if Dazai had something to say about it, he kept it to himself. Which was unsettling.

Was Chuuya dreaming?

"I figured you were still wallowing," Dazai said, setting the bag down on the coffee table next to the sad leftovers. "I haven't heard from you since you passed out in my lap."

There it was.

"That was not by choice, asshole," Chuuya snarled, limping back over to sit on the couch. "You held me down."

Dazai sat on the other side. "You looked pretty comfortable to me."

Chuuya could feel himself getting worked up, the pain increasing. "Dazai," he warned, rubbing at his temple.

"What?" Dazai continued. "It's not like it was the first time you've ever-"

"I should have left you to die."

"Well if you'd've done that, you'd be dead, too."

"Not the worst thing in the world right now."

Dazai paused at that and gave Chuuya this look.

Was that pity?

"I swear to god, if you-"

"I never got to thank you," Dazai said, cutting him off.

Chuuya froze, still trying to decide whether or not this was a dream.

"You saved me," Dazai continued. "You're always saving me, Chuuya." He slid the paper bag across the table. "So. Thank you."

Chuuya's chest felt warm. He stared down at the bag then back up at Dazai. "That's not poisoned, is it?"

Dazai gasped. "Chuuya! So soon after what happened to me? Consider a guy's feelings."

"You're so fucking full of it."

Dazai smirked. "You want me to take the first bite?"

He grabbed the paper bag, holding it away from Dazai. "Don't fucking touch it."

"I brought it for both of us."

Chuuya thought for a moment before setting the bag back down. "I guess," he uttered, "I guess I owe you one, too. For," he stared down at his hands, "saving me."

Dazai hummed in acknowledgement. "Has Chuuya gone soft?"

"Dick," Chuuya said, softly punching Dazai in the arm.

Dazai chuckled. "You're so easy."

Chuuya felt his cheeks go hot, and he wanted to scream, but he was also starving, and if it meant sharing a meal with Dazai to eat some delicious carbonara in his time of need, then.

Well, he guessed it also wasn't the worst thing in the world right now either.

[zero-to-zero-to-zero-again]

Intergalactic Abductees: Ranboo (1)

Tubbo (1) Tommy (1)

{This piece takes place after the events of Tubbo (3)}

Word Count: 1,414

TW's: Injury, Medical Stuff, Mentions of Abduction, Mentions Of Past Abuse, Fear of Death, Profanity, Mentions of Trafficking

Characters: C!Tubbo, C!Ranboo, C!Philza, C!Technoblade

Summary: As Ranboo begins to settle back into life with his crewmates, their most recent, bizarre addition is still recovering.

(Prepare to be confused by some alien species names that I came up with while I was high.)

"Ranboo?"

The boy in the hall went stiff.

"You can come in."

Ranboo's teeth ground together as he ducked into the room.

"Was I breathing that loud?" he asked.

The blonde Avisien offered him a soft smile. No matter how many times you got a smile from that man, it never failed to feel like a supernova. Explosive. Bright. Warm.

"I could hear your tail against the floor," Philza informed him.

"Oh."

Ranboo chuckled sheepishly, shooting a glower at the wiry tail in question. He swore the thing had a mind of its own. It flicked to the side in that moment just to spite him. Philza nudged one of the chairs out from beneath the metal table. He pointedly tossed his head towards it. Ranboo didn't need to be told twice. He dropped into the hard chair. Techno had promised to swipe some better ones next time they landed on Flurr. The planet was so wealthy that they wouldn't even notice if their whole home was relieved of its lavish furniture.

Of course, Techno had never gotten around to it before the incident at the market. From that moment forward, their lack of comfy chairs was the least of their worries.

Ranboo leaned over the table to get a better look at the limp figure.

"Has he woken up yet?" he inquired quietly.

It wasn't exactly unusual for Ranboo to find him sleeping. He'd watched over the reckless little bastard for the majority of his time spent in the trafficker's shuttle. But this felt different. Tubbo wasn't tossing or turning or making weird guttural noises. He was stiff.

He looked dead.

"No. I got the measurement on the dosage right this time around," Philza assured him. "I didn't want to overdo it with how small he is but I guess I underestimated his species' biological capabilities. Scaled the damn cabinet with a sedative in his veins and two broken ribs. I've never seen anything like it. I wonder if this has anything to do with it."

Philza lightly tapped the bizarre, hardened lower half of Tubbo's leg.

"What is it?" Ranboo asked.

Philza squinted.

"Mm, if I had to guess, I'd say it's a limb replacement. Or cover? Enhancement? I didn't want to mess with it too much. Clever design but primitive hardware. Maybe I'll have Techno take a look at it. More his department than mine."

The winged man dipped another swab into the yellow goo beside him. He dabbed at the stitching along Tubbo's chest and paused to watch it dissolve into the unconscious boy's skin.

"Most of our medicines haven't worked on him but at least he seems to be taking well to the disinfectant," Philza remarked. He twisted the lid back onto the metal tin and stacked it on top of all the others.

He'd nearly gone through his entire collection of menders and repairants trying to find one that was even semi-effective. In the end, he had to do things the old fashioned way with frustratingly tiny plates and screws for the busted bones and a bit of medical thread and a needle to finish it off.

"How are you doing?" Philza inquired, looking up at Ranboo for the first time during their conversation.

"Oh. I'm fine! No more burns," the Endlocke assured him. He held freshly healed hands up for emphasis.

"No, I mean how you doing, mate," the man amended.

"Ah. Um, yeah, still fine. Just...glad to be home."

"We're glad to have you back. Listen, if you ever want to talk about what happened, I'm here."

Some part of Ranboo felt that even if he did talk about it, Philza wouldn't understand. But a far larger part of him knew that his two crewmates were likely the only two people in the whole galaxy who could understand.

"You know what still kind of bugs me?" Ranboo said. Philza nodded encouragingly. "He didn't even leave."

Philza could practically feel the desperation for a subject change radiating off of fidgety dual-toned boy. Not the time to push the issue, he figured.

"Who?"

"Tubbo. I mean, they opened those doors a lot and he was probably small enough to sneak out. But he didn't. Didn't even try."

Philza glanced down at the Terran in consideration. He hummed.

"Well, he had the gall to chuck a screw at a Cantaris just get his attention so he obviously cares about you."

Ranboo couldn't help but laugh at that. How brilliantly in character for Tubbo to approach a literal war species and throw something at them. Even after the little guy had hurt himself. Far too self-sacrificing for his own good since the get-go. That's why Ranboo's hearts shattered when he saw Tubbo looking at him like that. Philza assured him it was the result of panic at seeing the syringe but it didn't make a difference.

Ranboo had known Tubbo for more cycles than he could keep track of and in all that time, he'd never seen the steadfast little creature cower. Not once. Even during their first time meeting. Cautious, sure, but never scared. All things considered, maybe Tubbo should have been afraid. Anybody his size with such little biological defenses built into their body should've been terrified of a natural born predator.

But Tubbo wasn't.

Maybe that's why his planet was so easily-

"I'm back!"

Ranboo whirled around just in time to find the Cantaris kicking the doorframe as his own odd way of knocking. It was a nasty habit but since he was the one always fixing the ship, Technoblade was more than capable of buffing out whatever dents he put into its walls. He hesitated in the entryway, skeptical blue eyes lingering on the boy laying on the table.

"He's sleeping, Techno," Philza chuckled.

The pink-haired man sighed in relief. He strode up to the table, grey eyes still flickering between the tiny being and his crewmates.

"You don't know how many shady dealers I had to go through to find this stuff," Technoblade announced. He held a small container of clear liquid up in a gloved hand. Ranboo winced at the very sight of it.

"How much did you get?" the winged man inquired.

"Enough to drown in. You're sure this stuff's safe for him?"

Ranboo nodded vehemently. He recalled the few instances when the Faustins would forget to toss a dish of the vial substance into his cell. Tubbo would get quiet. And sick. Even a single cycle without the stuff seemed to take a toll on him.

"Weird species," Techno remarked.

"The weirdest," Ranboo agreed fondly. He folded his elbows atop the table, resting his chin against his hands. "There's so many things I wish I could ask him. I wish he were chipped."

"Oh no you don't," Techno assured him. "Not by Faustins. They're notorious for botching the installation process. Instead of translating straight between languages, it'll just translate sporadically. Suddenly you can't even speak your own dialect without jumbling your words with a whole other language. It's migraine-inducing."

Ranboo huffed.

"Well, we could take him to Karl, couldn't we? He did a good job on my chip."

Ranboo's friends exchanged cryptic glances. The tall boy's focus darted between the two of them.

"What?" the Endlocke asked.

Philza seemed to be waiting for Technoblade to talk. The Cantaris' irises bled to a deep red. He shook his head, jaw clenched in stubborn refusal. Philza sighed begrudgingly.

"Techno lost it on Karl's husband while he was looking for you and he refuses to apologize."

"You're mad at Sapnap?" Ranboo said.

"The other husband," Techno grumbled.

"You started beef with Quackity? He's our best parts supplier!" the boy exclaimed, raking his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

"We'll find another. And we'll find another person to install a translation chip, too. I'll find another person. Just gimme a few cycles."

"On a subject this small? Good luck. Karl was the only one willing to put in Skeppy's chip and he's bigger than Tubbo," Philza pointed out.

Technoblade spared a sideways look at the disappointed boy beside him. He drew in a deep breath.

"I'll figure it out," he reiterated, color draining from his eyes once again. He leaned down, briefly bumping his forehead against Ranboo's. "Promise."

Ranboo only nodded. A Cantaris' word was his skeleton. Should either be broken or twisted, a Cantaris could hardly be whole. That's what Techno used to say, anyways. And, hells, Ranboo had to take his word on that.

~

I was sitting around last night like, "I feel like I'm forgetting something." Then I realized I didn't schedule this piece to post. My bad lol.

[henleygod-fics]

2

Tn was taken to a separate room to be examined, not only for her gifts, since being the product of an experiment and being blocked by Aizawa's quirk caused quite a few doubts, but also to make sure that it has no relation to All for one. Aizawa along with the other teachers returned to their students, to reassure them and explain the situation.

When they arrived, the entire class A was in disarray, many were scared, others were arguing, some were crying (Mineta), etc. The situation had alerted them, seeing a girl their age facing great heroes made them feel inferior and that disgusted them all, as if that were not enough, they had been prevented from getting closer so they could not hear anything of the discussion they had. The man, tired of seeing the scene, sighed and told everyone to sit down. Once calmed down, Aizawa proceeded to explain what happened, of course saving many details. In conclusion, he said that the girl had appeared escaping from her family, but the complete situation could not be known because she had partially lost her memory, she remembered some things but not enough, so the school would take care of her and take care of her while she recovers her memories, and that by the way she would attend class A with them, since she showed everyone that she was worthy. Everyone started to raise their voices, some argued for everyone's safety, others disagreed because it was an unfair situation for many and others simply did not want a "new extra".

Meanwhile, on the other hand, there was a very upset Slenderman, trying to locate Tn in any way possible, Sally was crying in her room while hugging her stuffed animal, Eyeles was trying to comfort her. Laugthing went to look for her on his own when he found out, the news had reached Splendorman's cabin, he and Ben went through the same point several times trying to find her. Maski, Eyeles and Toby were trying to put a collar on a rabid Smile dog, while Jeff just yelled at him angrily for his betrayal.

-AND WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, FLEA DOG??? WHO FEEDS YOU??-

- That's Tn- Toby responded indifferently.

- Exactly- Masky said, followed by an "aha" from Hoodie.

-tsk NOBODY ASKED YOU!!! WHO PETS YOU OR TAKES YOU FOR A WALK???- Jeff shouted angrily.

-It's Tn too- Toby continued, although a little more frustrated, since Smile was increasingly twisting, preventing him from completing his mission.

"Exactly," Masky repeated, followed again by an "aha" from Hoodie.

- SHUT UP!!! YOU'LL SEE ZARNOSO, betrayal must be paid for, AN EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH- shouted Jeff as he ran towards him with his knife- go to sleep- he whispered with his typical smile, Smile Dog began to growl and want to bite those who held him to fight with Jeff, as always.

-DAMN IT JEFF, STOP BEING ANNOYING- shouted Toby, his patience already exhausted.

-Smile, calm down, doggy, you just have to stay still and let us put the DAMN COLLAR on you- yelled Masky as he threw himself on top of him with the collar in his hands, but he only managed to make him start running all over the house, dragging Hoodie and Toby who were trying to keep him still, Masky ran behind him trying to catch up with him.

- Still can't do it? - Slenderman asked frustratedly, holding his face, causing Jeff to shiver slightly as he appeared behind him - That's why I can't move forward... - he whispered to himself thoughtfully - You could also help, don't you think? - He scolded Jeff.

-I'd love to, big boy, but in case you haven't noticed, someone is missing and we need to go find her before we continue playing with a traitor-

-Says the one who kept yelling at him...- replied Slenderman sarcastically.

- That's another matter, I'M LEAVING, I'm not going to keep wasting time LIKE YOU- he said as he headed for the door, but it opened abruptly, hitting him in the face.

-I didn't find anything, I searched through 3 different dimensions and nothing, there weren't even any signs of life... they were horrible- said Laugthing in a whisper, taking his hair with concern but with his crazy smile- everyone turned around when they heard the interference on TV, Ben came out slowly and sadly.

-I didn't find anything either... where I went there was life, but only in one were there people, although they weren't very intelligent, let's say- Laugthy heard the screams and saw how Masky was now being dragged by Smile Dog while he bit him, Hoodie and Toby followed them from behind.

- They still haven't put the collar on him- Laugthing said followed by a sigh.

-CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE FUCK ARE WE WORRYING ABOUT THE CRAPPY NECKLACE WHILE TN COULD BE IN A DAMN APOCALYPSE???- Jeff shouted, grabbing his head, laughing and acting crazy.

- Really, do I have to explain it to him? - Ben sighed.

- AND WHAT DO YOU THINK??- Jeff shouted angrily, changing completely.

- SMILE DISAPPEARED!!- Toby interrupted, preventing Ben and Jeff from starting to fight.

-Did you put the collar on him!!??- Slenderman asked, upset.

- YES!!- Hoodie shouted as he approached, staggering all hurt, with cuts and scratches. Toby jumped when he saw him, he was going to hide behind Tn, until he remembered that he wasn't there, he sighed. Slenderman smiled when he heard that... or well, that's what everyone understood, since they could perceive his emotions and expressions even if they couldn't be seen.

-I'll go back to the studio, you guys take care of searching on your own, by the way Jeff- he looked at him annoyed, motioning with his head for him to speak- the collar we put on Smile has a tracker, it's only a matter of time before we can find her- Jeff smiled maliciously, took his knife and with the others went to look for her.

-You'll see, brat, no one escapes from Jeff the Killer- he said in a whisper, but ended with his manic laughter.

Slender at the moment he was informed that Tn was going to summon Smile began to create the tracker, it was a problem to remove the collar and it was even worse to put it back on, but now they had a chance to locate her. Being the 1st tip it was more difficult to find her, since it would be a miracle in a million for them to enter the correct dimension, there were literally infinite realities that it housed and of course the chance of any of them repeating itself was almost nil. Even so, each of them went through the dimensions again and again trying to find her.

_____

I woke up at 3 in the morning, it was pure habit to get up at this time to prevent my crazy family from massacring a poor family... Anyway, I looked around and it was still night, the school was completely silent, I left the room I was in, which by the way since I had no place to go back to they decided I would live in the school, it seemed like a bad joke, but it's true, the teachers would take turns taking care of me or rather watching me, it's clear that they still don't trust me. They made a single room on the terrace of the building, I appreciated that. Thanks to the guy, who was called Cementos... I think, he was very fast and he was also able to adapt to my old room, so at least the situation wouldn't seem so strange to me. I went down swinging with my tentacles, until I reached the ground, I could use the door and go down, like a normal person using the stairs inside, but having to wake up the teacher who is there, no thanks, seeing Aizawa upset for having woken him up, passed.

The day was very cool and all I had on was a t-shirt and shorts, but as my old friend Jane says, the cold is imaginary or as Nina says, whores don't get cold... although I'm not a whore and I don't think she is either, we still like the saying. I took a breath and started jogging, then running until I could jump high, higher but shorter, so I started from the highest to the lowest. I continued with my training until the sun came up, I ended up tired and sweaty, I wanted to go back to my room to shower, the adrenaline was going away and the cold was flooding me again but I didn't want to move, or at least until my breathing was under control. A soft, warm coat fell over my face, I quickly removed it and sat down, putting myself on guard.

- For a moment I thought you would run away, did you really have to wake me up so early? - Aizawa said while yawning.

- I went outside so as not to bother you-

-looking even more suspicious- she replied sighing with two fingers on her temple.

-It's the thought that counts, isn't it?- I said smiling.

-results are what count-

-tsk and so you're a teacher?...- I said in a soft whisper.

-what did you say?-

-Thanks for the coat- I replied with a smile- but I warn you that I sweat too much.

- I already knew it, it's noticeable, go inside and take a shower, it seems like you haven't bathed in days. Your clothes are ready in your room, once you're done I'll be waiting for you outside, I'll guide you to the classroom, just for today so learn the way. And don't be late- he said as he began to walk towards school, I followed him.

- Well, first of course I smell bad, I smell like blood and I haven't bathed since I arrived because they just started testing me until I dropped. Second, how do they know if the clothes will fit me or not? And third, you don't need to tell me the obvious.

- First, with even more reason, go take a shower now, second, they did tests on you yesterday, for obvious reasons we have your measurements, and third, if it is necessary.

We continued arguing the whole trip, although more than an argument it was a funny conversation, we tried to annoy each other, but we only caused little laughs or some moans of annoyance, it reminded me of Slendy... I honestly miss them, just a little. I had changed into a uniform that consisted of a green skirt, a white shirt with a red tie, some somewhat long socks and some shoes, I also had a jacket, but it looked very uncomfortable, so I chose not to wear it.

It was time to meet my new classmates and my teacher was guiding me, the pressure was getting bigger and bigger, I didn't expect to have to meet people, much less so many, I hadn't even planned to live with them.

I had lived a very solitary life, although accompanied, except for my family I had never spoken to anyone, or well, saving them or telling them to run and escape didn't count. My lack of social interaction with the outside world now weighed on me.

I was standing in front of the classroom door, Aizawa entered first and told me to wait until he put everything in order, since the screams and disorder could be heard since we went up.

Little by little I began to hear how the screams became louder, how the complaints began to turn into reproaches and above all how the majority was against me. Now I couldn't fight, I had come to an agreement and killing wasn't my thing, even so I couldn't stand the idea of ​​being surrounded by simple mundane people who didn't even want me.

I waited a minute, then two, I reached the fifth and the mess on the other side did not seem to end, something that increased my nerves and my fury.

//

-Silence- Aizawa shouted, tired and fed up with the whole mess.

At last he was able to sigh with relief, the entire class still looked dissatisfied, expressions of anger, frustration, doubt and worry were the only things that could be seen.

-Now that everyone has calmed down, I need you to listen, you are going to have a new partner and before you say anything- she said staring at Bakugou who was already opening his mouth to complain- she has already been accepted and there will be no changes, nor room for complaints-

-Sensei- Iida called- don't you think this is something we should have been informed about with more time?- he asked, visibly displeased.

-No, the decisions Nezu made were analyzed and thought about seriously, if he decided that it is the best for everyone, then so be it- Aizawa answered with great confidence- now yes, welcome your new partner- he said opening the door.

While he was watching his students, analyzing each one so that they would not rebel again and start a new disorder.

-Am I sensei?- Momo asked confused.

Aizawa looked tiredly in her direction, he didn't want any more reproaches, nor for anyone to speak, much less his exemplary student. He didn't have time to ask or respond to her call, a beep filled the class, causing all the students to tense. Aizawa quickly looked at his device, and then to his side, he sighed heavily.

I knew perfectly well what was happening, only this time I didn't know why.

-Wait a minute, sit in your seats and stay calm- he clarified.

Then he went to the window and looked everywhere until he found his target and jumped.

None of his students paid attention, they all ran in a pack to the window to see what was happening, lately the spectacles were recurrent.

-That girl- Iida complained when he saw his teacher chasing her, after surprising her by finding her hiding place.

-It seems like they are playing- said Denki laughing, watching his teacher as a cat and the same girl from yesterday running like a mouse everywhere dodging and avoiding her teacher.

-NO- said Tn furiously, while running all over the place.

- They don't want me there and I don't want them either.

Aizawa seemed to be getting more and more furious, greatly losing his patience.

-Oh, they caught her- said Kirichima as he watched his teacher grab his classmate by the collar of her shirt and drag her towards the building.

-He ran away- said Sero.

-They caught her again- this time Mina answered.

The scene was funnier now and the mood of the class had greatly improved; they no longer saw their classmate as some sort of threat.

Even after all the trouble, Tn didn't leave the boundaries of the UA, she always escaped, hid and ran inside the establishment. She didn't break the pact of "not leaving", however she never agreed to live with the others, she was always reluctant to the idea of ​​attending school.

Aizawa, without patience and completely furious, held Tn with his ribbons until he completely wrapped her, leaving her no room to escape. As she continued to writhe, his fury got the better of his tired teacher, who gave his student a small but large blow on the head and scolded her with a great sermon.

A few minutes later they returned outside the classroom. Aizawa, his patience completely exhausted, stormed into the classroom, finding all his students standing in their places in silence. After that great scene, no one wanted to raise their voice or be noticed at all.

-Now yes- said Aizawa completely seriously- welcome your partner.

//

As I entered I could see the worried and angry faces of many. It was the same room as yesterday, the same faces and the same expressions. I sighed, I wasn't expecting a good welcome anyway.

-I'm Tn, nice to meet you- I made a small bow and was going to ask where I sat, until a boy with glasses raised his hand.

-I'm Iida Tenya, a pleasure, but you didn't tell us your name- he spoke in a very correct manner and moving in a strange way, although his tone sounded a little annoyed.

-Yes, I told you, it's Tn-

- Then tell us your last name - replied the man with glasses.

- Why do you want to know? - I asked distrustfully, remembering what I said when I came. I found it funny to see the faces of the others, they changed quickly with each answer or each movement I made, they are very expressive.

-because it is necessary and the correct thing to do is to present yourself well-

-That's how I introduce myself, is there a problem? - This guy was already driving me crazy, what does he have to do with my name?

-We need to know how to address you- said one who had two-colored hair.

-tsk, they're more annoying than the others- I whispered, although not so low, since I did it with the intention of the others hearing me. I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot, but I was already off to a bad start with this classroom, so one more stumble, one less stumble doesn't matter. I looked at Aizawa for approval, which he gave me instantly with a nod.

- I'm Tn the ki- a chill made me stop instantly, an intense red look from Aizawa made me stop instantly.

"Not that one," he whispered through his teeth with a warning look.

-I'm Tn Ta- I said looking at Aizawa, who instantly relaxed his gaze and yawned as if nothing had happened, I let out a short sigh- Happy?- I said looking at the guy with glasses.

- Thank you- he replied, making a strange gesture with his arms again and then sitting down.

-sensei where do I sit?- I asked tiredly.

-AAGH SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! JUST SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN FOR GOD DAMN IT- an irritated blond yelled.

-EH!! And who the fuck told you something??? Why do you think I'm asking about my seat, meddling???- I could already hear Aizawa's sighs.

-Kacchan calm down- a green-haired boy spoke now.

-SHUT UP DEKU AND YOU EXTRA, DON'T YOU SEE THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE SEAT!!!- 'said "Deku"?'

-ARE YOU BLIND, KACCHAN?- I replied, pointing out his name mockingly- THERE ARE TWO FUCKING EMPTY SEATS!!!

-WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT- he shouted, hitting the table and knocking over the chair as he stood up abruptly.

-Etto... I'm sorry, but I'm here- I heard the voice, but I couldn't see who had spoken, until I saw a book floating in the air, then a girl stood up... invisible, I could tell by her clothes.

- tsk and how did you want me to see that- I whispered- it's okay, it wasn't your fault- I raised my voice, enough for her to hear me. I went to my seat annoyed, feeling the mocking smile of the stupid Kacchan. Once there I realized that I sat next to the bicolor and behind the one who tried to calm the hysterical one, unfortunately I sat next to the annoying one too. I was going to take out my notebook to take notes, when the teacher called us.

-Now put on your suits, we are going to the training camp, since many feel upset or believe that the situation is unfair, Tn will show what he can do to be in class A-

I just sighed in resignation, I really had gone through the whole problem of the seat so that I could only occupy it for 2 seconds. It's only been two days and this is already hell.

- Miss Tn, you are going to wear this uniform until you have your suit ready.

-my suit??-

-needs to make the model of his hero costume-

- aah no need, I already have my pro...-

"We'll talk about that later," he said, glaring at me. I guess I was about to screw up again.

I stood up from my seat and was heading for the door when I felt someone gently take my arm. It was the green-haired boy, the one sitting in front of me.

- umm I'm sorry for the bad moment, I mean the presentation, it's not that your presentation was bad, but how they acted, although it is understandable, well not everything, Kacchan shouldn't have spoken badly to you, but that's his character, I say he's always like that, although that doesn't take away the bad, I just wanted to apologize for the situation and..- I couldn't hold back and I laughed- for a moment he was silent, he was speaking well at first, but he started to get nervous and speak very fast- l. what I wanted to say was that I'm sorry and that you dropped this- he said quickly to hand me the whistle.... I FORGOT THAT, I had promised Smile that I would summon him and I never did.

-Thanks and don't worry, I was also very defensive, by the way, what's your name? - I said smiling at him.

- I'm Izuku Midoriya, but you can call me Deku.-

- but Deku isn't...-

- Yes, but no, I mean if that's what you think, but it could have another meaning, doesn't that sound like "I can do it" to you? - No, I honestly don't think so.

- If you say so, you must like your nickname after all, right?

- Exactly- she said with a radiant smile, he's a cute boy. By the time I realized it was just the two of us and Aizawa, everyone else had gone to change. Deku was at the door when she turned around- Aren't you coming??

- Yes, I will go, but I have to talk to our teacher about something first.-

- Okay, do you want me to wait for you or...-

- No thanks, I'll go, don't worry- I said with a smile.

-Well, I'll see you there- he said with a nervous smile.

After a few seconds and making sure it was completely gone, I spoke.

-Sensei, I need to do something and I don't know if I should ask for permission or what. But I will do it no matter what, even if you don't want me to- he just sighed.

- tell me...-

-I have to summon Smile Dog-

-your dog??-

- Yes, but it's not just a dog, it's Smile, it's another...-

- another killer... or demon?-

-Yes, let's say a bit of both, but he hasn't killed anyone for a long time, not since he chose me as his owner, he protects me and I know he would do anything for me, like not hurting anyone, please believe me, although I have to do it anyway-

- Will you summon him with the whistle?

- Yes, it is more complicated to summon it without this, and I need a lot of materials that I don't have at the moment.

-You said that if you rang it we would all die...-

-I was cornered, and they already knew I wasn't going to kill them-

-Not you, but your dog does-

-Please listen to me, he won't hurt anyone, I assure you, I will take responsibility for him-

- When do you plan to summon him??-

-Now, I had to summon him as soon as I arrived, but for obvious reasons, I forgot-

- Okay, come with me-

We left the classroom to head to the office, we had to tell Nezu before doing so. But to our surprise there was a stupefied person standing at the door and from the way he looked at us it was clear that he heard a lot. Aizawa looked very surprised for a moment, until he reacted.

-Todoroki, what are you doing here? I said everyone go to the training camp- Aizawa sounded very angry.

- I'm sorry, I forgot something and the others told me to look for him because he wasn't coming, in case something had happened... - he spoke nervously, then after a pause he spoke again - It's true... Are you going to summon an assassin?

[kafkaoftherubble]

年与年之间恍惚的阈限：末夜•旭日•无常

Part of this is cobbled from entries written on Paradehyde, 31st December 2023 at 10.38 p.m., and January 1st, 2024, both shortly after 12 am and 5.18 pm.

We haven't laid out our resolutions for this year. It should be done by this week.

Last year's Lyndises didn't make any resolution; we still didn't feel like the future would include us back then. The Knocking Lady didn't succeed in making any of us do what she really wanted, but she didn't really lose either. The future was tenebrous. Ungraspable. Packed with everyone else except us. There seemed to be no spot for us in the future; the future had overlooked us, we thought. It's like people; no matter how much I'm allowed to be around them, there will come a moment when I cease fulfilling their conditions, and they will leave, or I will fade away from them. It's not even out of malice. It just happens.

It's impermanence. Both the Lyndises and Fionn in the early days of the year already understood this. Hell, we understood this since we were kids. Impermanence. It's as natural as the sun rising and setting.

The year got better. My predecessors were really something. It wasn't really a mistaken boast when one of them declared, almost bitterly, "We always recover without help. We just do."

Though, it would be remiss of us to ignore the one who strived the hardest. "Without help" was a misnomer—this statement is only true if we treat Fionn as do the world out there does: as a non-person delusional existence attached to a person.

---

Last year's New Year Quote, according to Paradehyde, was Albert Camus' "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

Last year's Word of the Year according to Lyndis of A Few Weeks Ago, was "interdependence." Because "dependent co-arising" was two words; it didn't fit the bill.

The Lyn at the Beginning of 2023 thought this would be "The Year of the White-Haired Boy." She meant Fionn, but the funny thing was that it turned out to be Gojo Satoru who hijacked that narrative. I didn't even realize I liked Satoru this much until that infamous Chapter 236. I could have gone on never knowing. And then he just took up my thoughts. And then I, supposed Dedicated Essayist for To Your Eternity, wrote essays on Jujutsu Kaisen. On Gojo Satoru, who already has a surplus of meta essays and whatnot.

Damn it.

I think another "Totally Trivial and Useless Realization" comparable to this Satoru shit is—okay, don't laugh—that we really, really, really... No wait, I said don't laugh, assholes! Don't laugh!

We really think, I mean, hypothetically... Like if a certain very famous Siddhartha was alive in our times, he might just be a cognitive scientist too. It seems so up his alley. I mean, yea whatever, he could totally become a philosopher and a teacher or something. But cognitive science, man. Come on. Makes too much sense when you really read what he said and thought about.

And I think—as in, I share the same sentiment as that unfortunate Lyndis who realized this while rambling about things with Lyishere—that if he were to be alive at this time, and I somehow got to know him personally... I think I'll like him a lot. I think I'll wanna befriend him and annoy the shit out of him and think about stuff with him and break his arguments apart if I don't think it holds. I would like to watch him all the way to his Awakening. I would like to study him. He would be very interesting to study—

"BRUH DID YOU JUST say your perfect partner is the Buddha?! HOLY SHIT, this is inSANE. OH MY GOD NEVER SAY MY STANDARDS ARE HIGH EVER AGAIN. LIKE MINE IS HIGH BUT NOT THE BUDDHA like bro ATEEZ MOUNTAIN MAN HIMBO CORE WITH OPPENHEIMER IQ IS ACTUALLY MORE NORMAL THAN THIS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK"

Yea. I don't think anyone else needs to know about this. Let's just keep it between us, and Lyi, yea?

Fionn? Nah. He's more like Ananda than Siddhartha. Doesn't stop him from being someone I care about the most in this entire world, though.

---

I really like the days between the years. "Zwischen den Jahren" or something. It's its own liminal space, you know. And we are drawn to liminal spaces like that. It feels like where we seem to belong.

The thing about these days is that it makes for the best time to observe anicca! You watch the days between Christmas and New Year crawl toward finality. If it has been a bad year, it's ending. If it has been a good year, it's ending. If it has been a neutral year, it's ending. Everything ends. Nothing lasts.

And then, at one point, I suddenly felt quite... scared!

2023 started out not too impressive, but it progressively got better. In fact, it ended up being a huge step up from even the years before it. It was really the most bliss we had for a while.

And then, when 2024 came, I suddenly thought—well, who says it's gonna keep getting better? Who says it's gonna plateau in this comfortable stability, either? Everything is impermanent. Good times are impermanent too. Whatever peace I'm feeling right now—it's impermanent. It won't last forever. Something could come and yank it away from me.

And that, Lyndis of the Future, was me forgetting what anicca really means. As eventful or as storied as a moment may be, it will die. As packed with the strongest sentiments we could possibly experience or label—joy or stress or pleasure or pain or rapture or despair—no matter how royally this moment struts on a stage right now... it will drop dead and become history. Being momentous changes nothing. Being nondescript changes nothing.

So, of course the 8-foot Tall Woman jeered at me. I was scared of losing these good days because I grew attached to something impermanent in the first place. She would laugh at Fionn, too, because he tends to grasp on good moments and mope if something he likes is ending—for example, the end of a pleasurable trip would really make him brood.

It's kinda annoying cause' we often are aware of our attachments—that means we are knowingly being dissatisfied/suffering/distressed. Knowingly! It's like already knowing you're gonna hate this game, and you still buy it and play it. It's different from not knowing you'd hate this game and buying it and playing it, ya know.

"There's no fear for one whose mind is not filled with desires," said The Guy We Could Have Been Very Close Friends With Me. Well, we're certainly not without desires, that's for sure.

---

Fionn told me while we were lying on the floor listening to fireworks that though he was still thinking over his resolutions, there was one thing he wanted to continue pursuing: equanimity.

Well, I'm afraid you ain't getting that if you and I can't solve the attachment-to-impermanence problem, man.

The thing, guys, is that his resolutions are our resolutions. It's not a separate enterprise he undertakes on his own while I can undertake my efforts on my own. We are dependently co-arisen. He cannot get to where he wants if we don't help. It's the same in the world outside, between persons despite their supposed independence as human beings. One person cannot succeed without the backing of their closest, immediate environment; that includes the people in their lives.

So his wanting to pursue equanimity means we have to be resolute in that, too. What a drag.

The bigger drag is how, even though we started understanding anicca at a young age, we still grasp. I honestly don't think we have that many excuses.

You can forgive someone who didn't know much about this philosophy for being distressed over their attachments, but we already knew this and verified this through our own experience, over and over, at a young age.

You can forgive Past Lyndises for falling short because they were young, brain-not-matured-yet, inexperienced, and trying hard to survive, yadda-yadda. But I? I have no excuses. I am in a better position than my predecessor in January 2023 already. I am heir to the sum of their knowledge, experience, and thoughts. I honestly have no excuses.

I actually kinda like that. The fact that I have no excuses, I mean. To even arrive at this stage, where I'm living in such an optimal state as to have no excuses, means all of the previous Lyns have been skillful. They had, despite their circumstances, acted skillfully enough that now I am reaping the benefits! Isn't that swell? They planted causes that allow me good effects. Kamma done well, y'all. That's affirming shit right there!

I wouldn't want to let my Future Lyns down.

I wouldn't want to let Fionn down.

---

Emotions like anger and anxiety aren't permanent. I mean, they always seem permanent when they are happening, but that's an illusion. They cease on their own, ya know.

The reason why they don't cease, one of Past Us realized, is because you consciously or unconsciously extend them beyond their longevity.

Think of them as a flame on a candle. Before the flame dies out—which it will on its own—you keep lighting new candles with this flame. So the original candle of anxiety is dead, and yet new ones continue its existence... similar to a rebirth. You keep lighting new candles each time the old one is on its way out.

So this emotion is sustained. It looks like a blazing field, but if you look closely, it's really a sea of candles. And if you are heedful enough to refrain from lighting new candles, then you'll see even the strongest emotion die on its own course. That's just impermanence doing its work.

I wonder if this is, oddly enough, one solution for the impermanence of... well, bliss? Joy? What was that phrase again? Dittha-dhamma-sukha-vihara? Abiding in ease, here and now?

Anyway, lighting up candles with the flame of Ease before it die would mean sustaining Ease beyond its expiry date, right?

But Fionn raised a good point: I have to be really heedful of what candle to light, because if I accidentally light the ones of passion and excess joy, then I'll be stuck in a frenzy of lighting them forever before the flames run out.

It's got to do with dopamine. The pain in the death of "Good Times" is really the effect of lowered dopamine levels. The stronger the reduction, the stronger the crash. And dopamine acclimates itself to prolonged rewards and sets it as its new normal; it's how a brain functions. Something great will become merely good over time.

If I light the wrong candles, then I will lock myself into a constant fear of the flames blowing off, i.e. the crash of dopamine. The candles of passion are always getting shorter and shorter as dopamine acclimates itself to rewards, so I'll have to scramble to find more and more "arousing" (longer) candles to light. But that raises the "normal" dopamine level to even greater heights, making its crash even more terrifying and painful should it happen. I will only be even more scared.

Do you see what Fionn and I are seeing? We'll be enslaved by this fear. I'll be doomed to this Sisyphean work of lighting candles and stressing over when the crash is coming. It will be worse than Sisyphus's Rock-Rolling, because the slope keeps getting steeper, the rock larger, and the summit taller.

Sooner or later, not even the candles themselves will become joy. They will just morph into anxieties as if fucking Mahito had touched them and Mui Tenpen the shit out of them.

That's so unskillful! 嫌だ！

----

Which comes back to the question: what are we supposed to do?

Well... "What are we really trying to achieve" is a good question, I suppose:

Are we trying to extend a feeling of joy, or the longevity of "good things," beyond its expiry?

Or are we trying not to fear the impermanence of good things?

Which is it?

The more skillful goal seems to be the second one, methinks. The first is just good old "attachment" cosplaying as noble intent. Besides, the second goal is related to equanimity itself.

Oh, this is great! A good question to ponder during meditation! It will get us a tad bit closer to Fionn's resolution! Yes, this is a good start!

[kyaruun]

RAAAWR HUG! HUG! qiapyon loves being hugged :3 and squished (is a slime so squish!) hehe you are so nice and soft :>> not at all intimidating

YOU FELT LIKE A BIG BLOG just so very top tier writing. great graphic. whole package deal. there's only two possibilities that happen to follower count when you go ia:

it goes up, because people are finding you

it goes down, because people are not finding you and your followers think you are dead

THE RETURN OF NYA im so excited rawrrrrr tag me in everything

afadsfhsd me big blog... i guess i'm a big blog. i dont know why 1.1k people are still here for my shitposts

ajdslfsdf its only a few,,, a lot of my blogs are ia..... unfortunately.... and i mostly have focused on nazukisser though i literally cant stop writing for enstars its in my soul... i always strive for weekly for every fandom but darn thats really hard with the amount of shit i have going on

WAAAAAAAA i hope YOUR works get the true recognition it deserves (one day you'll write a leo fic that will become known as that leo fic (in a pos sense))

professional.... ate lis told me that i looked professional on my blogs,,, i just try. lots of trial and error and i always try to look fresh. have gone through so many phases its insane. one time i tried replicating an actual site design on tumblr while combining it w my style and it was so hard. stares at my (long gone) tori fs2 theme

RIGHT like the readers were nice, all of the people were so nice... now its too big like who is everyone... but also its kinda dead too like damn... 2023 is not anybody's year... i wish we could return to all being silly....

help me omg big blog. i mean being a writing blog the writing might as well get a pass but the graphics suck and i'm the first one to acknowledge that. i simply don't know what to do with them >< the one and only graphic i'm still head over heels for and is the reason i still haven't remade my theme is the cute cat soren did for me a looong time ago and is my current banner. it's. so. round. so cute. silly but sosososo adorable

i mean my followers have probably accepted i'm a sporadic writer and i don't really have a schedule. it hurts when you try to put out your stuff but it doesn't get attention but aaa this is the internet. there's no point in overthinking that. my one and only concern is that anons that rq something i answer a few months later manage to read their rq :(

JESUS CHRIST QIAN YOU HAVE 1.1K FOLLOWERS?!?!? big big biggest writer indeed. i just checked mine and it's 744 followers which is an insane number for someone who posts so little!! what you said about the leo fic... i can only hope. i personally think i suck at writing leo a lot. and rei. and natsume. my izumi is pretty much a mess too. see? if i love them i can't write them right. but uuuu i'd love to write a series. i've never tried that. i also considered something like a social media au bc that's usually really cute too. i don't think any of my works will ever reach that level of importance buuuuut. i'd love that

i've been working a bit on some sort of new theme for my super due revamp but i hate editing sooo much. whatever you say your themes always look super nice and cohesive <3 they're really nice to look at ;;

the fandom being big and dead (from a writing pov) is just as you said ;; i occasionally go into the tags to look for cute fanart but i don't see any writing and it's very sad. sorry to whoever might be offended by this but x readers actually carried the fandom before engstars. but we all either grew frustrated with the lack of interaction or found new interests

i simply miss that sense of community TT the nuri era... nuri feeding the entire fandom one post a day. bee coming up with the absolute prettiest things (like hello THEIR PROMPTS. i still haven't recovered from those). swanee dropping these insanely talented bombs and leaving us knocking on their askbox like "pls comeback when". soren's blog (which i actually visit from time to time bc there's a handful of fics that carry half of my mental sanity rn). runa ;;;;

see? i miss a lot of people ꒰⁎′̥̥̥ ⌑ ‵̥̥̥ ꒱ on those are only the ones that came first into mind because there are even more moots i miss... that comfy feeling of being able to jump into everyone's askbox and be silly... nostalgia hitting hard ;;; makes me think i should try to join a server(s) to try and interact with people again, even if it's just some talking from time to time

[savagewildnerness]

I was going to comment, but I have too much to say, hahahaha, oh dear!

I found Sam's comment about violence interesting… I think Lestat is capable of extreme violence from a very particularly male place (that's why he can kill the wolves as a human, which most humans couldn't) but maybe Akasha senses this without sensing Lestat's innate empathy towards those he loves…. and really, towards all humanity. Which - why would she sense that - because Akasha never understood morality or empathy or sympathy much at all, even in her long, long ago life! She was always strangely, innately amoral and without empathy.

I think it's a fine line… like I think, when pushed Lestat's violence is utterly uncontrolled until his morality kicks in (his violence in response to Armand's mind-wash, then rape springs to mind... but even there, Lestat stops when pity kicks in... and sometimes Lestat's kills can be extreme... though usually in rather a complicated way.)

However, I *do* agree that if Lestat's violence comes specifically from a *toxic* male place, this is a misunderstanding of Lestat and Akasha. Because the tragedy of Queen of the Damned for Lestat is Akasha does see Lestat as a cipher to male violence and she uses him as such... and, as she entrances him, she *makes* him such in a. very real way due to what he does while with her.

First, he witnesses her violence, horrified! He would NEVER do this. Then, he does join in. And later he fights it and stops joining in, and he fights Akasha as best he can... but by then he has already killed more than he had in his entire vampiric existence to date, in incomprehensibly awful ways. And he enjoyed it. BUT he *was* still mind wiped and the tragedy and underlying despair that runs through books and books after this stems from the fact that Akasha made Lestat into something that he wasn't inherently! Yet, the actions were still his.

Lestat feels he can never atone for it. There is no possible redemption for him. All hope is lost. And it is something other vampires see has happened to him, but he cannot talk to them about it, beyond writing it in his books.

I mean, we haven't even touched on the fact that Akasha frames her whole genocide as a moral crusade, when she was always such an amoral being! Even thousands of years ago, in her brief mortal life.

But, for Lestat... there *is* a violence in him, yes: it's why Magnus chose him. It's what Lestat was before he had any desires; before he had any hope; without any thing that even made him himself, Lestat had violence. But I would call it a pureness of capacity for violence. Which is very distinct from a "toxic male" violence... which implies intent from negative and unreasonable reactionary violence.

I mean, it's hard to talk about. Sam knows Lestat well and I presume his talk in this area comes from conversations he must have had around the topic with Rolin and the writers regarding the fact that The Drop exists... but I do feel it needs to be very, very clear!

You need to feel by the end of The Queen of the Damned that Akasha has irrevocably damaged Lestat in a way he will never be able to truly recover from... because how could you...

And it's only from a place like that that you can get to The Tale of the Body Thief and Memnoch feeling right, as I see it.

I might reply to your post with thoughts on other stuff, but I apparently really wanted to address this. In reference to season 2 though, I want to address it, because I fully believe The Drop did happen now in show Universe. I don't like it. But I believe it. I do not think we will now see any Armand drop of Lestat. I do not think we are likely to see The Drop again (beyond, possibly a very brief vision of it, in a moment of Lestat's guilt or such, potentially, from his POV, but I doubt with significant difference - what difference can there be - it either happened or it didn't and if it happened it doesn't truly matter precisely how or why. It just happened and Lestat let it happen and didn't even catch Louis.)

Anyway, I dunno... what does everyone else think about Lestat and violence. Like, obviously all vampires are violent. In terms of killing humans, Lestat certainly doesn't always stick to killing the evildoer, but I don't find his kills particularly violent on the scheme of vampire-killing violence. Like some vampires enjoy ripping their victims to shreds, crushing their skulls... Lestat enjoys a sexy kill. He enjoys talking a gorgeous life into his own body and the ecstasy of the fulfilment of that blood within him as he also experiences all of his victim's life. I mean, it's death he's bringing... but he does it kind of in love. If you've gotta be killed by a vampire, seems nicer to me to know they adore your very essence as they take your life into them..?! Sorry... I'm thinking about Lestat killing that old lady at the start of TToTBT now and how very sexy it is, hahahahaha.... I've gone off topic, drastically! AHEM!!!!!!

But yeah...

I want to do a poll, but I'm not sure what the options would be... I don't think I can do one as I reblog anyway... I'll have a consider about Lestat and violence poll options. But I'm very curious to hear on this topic from others. I've (mainly) paused rereading books while S2 has been going on so none of this comes from my immediate rereading... but y'know... these are the literal themes of the Vampire Chronicles so I think it's fascinating to discuss them and to know exactly what we think!!

I think Akasha making Lestat a cipher to male violence isn't entirely without foundation, and yet it is entirely callous and the greatest damage done to Lestat... because there *is* a natural capacity for violence in Lestat, and that it is some inherently toxic and wrong part of himself is a huge fear of Lestat's. In fact, when Lestat watches some other vampires kill, even those he loved deeply in life and sees how cruelly and like beasts with no thought, no consideration of victim and no love - how inhumanely they do it, he is repulsed by that...

I'd better stop or I'll write on this topic all night long, hahahahahaha!

But ETA: for clarification.

Akasha defines toxic male violence as an inherent seeking of power and to murder to the detriment of humanity. She defines it as something not within women (LOL - as she literally commits it herself!) Lestat *IS* violent, but he isn't violent with intent to seek power or to dominate others in that *toxic male* way, at least as I see it... I still haven't quite articulated it as I mean to. It's hard to put into words.

IWTV s2... an (emotional) recap

Between the spoilers dropping before the last three episodes and the content of the episodes themselves we really have gone through the emotional wringer.

I think I have rewritten this three times over, because my feelings kept changing.

I had hoped for more, I got more than I wished for, I wanted something else, they hit the nerve precisely...

And now with the season 3 announcement:))))

Maximum emotional carnage - indeed.

Everything ... up to that NOLA visit in episode 8 and the actual ending... is not the truth. Let that sink in.

The trial: scripted (and Lestat breaking out of it for the important bits)

Claudia's turning: So much... more raw.

Claudia's death: brutal. That final look between her and Lestat was one of the most painful things to witness.

Her diaries (pages): mostly unused. I am a bit unnerved bc of that wasted Merrick reveal and aftermath implementation tbh. Louis is not freed up after it, but... he should have been, imho. Though, that said, with Dubai likely a stand-in for Trinity Gate... maybe the arc fits after all - BUT I still think they could have done more with her diaries. I get why they wanted to escape the “white savior trap“ but this way Louis did not get that power-up that will ultimately bring him to where it frees him. But who knows... maybe they will implement a version of it all still.

The broadcasting and Loustat's relationship in general: Armand putting a fantasy retelling into Louis' brain. Holy shit.

Flashbacks to 1790: Self-indulgent fanfiction.

Dubai: Stepford Wives via mind gift. 💀

Daniel: Supposedly(*) turned out of spite. I absolutely get why DM fans are besides themselves with this and the comments after.

The story itself: More or less ending exactly where the first book puts us. I do NOT know why they kept that title a secret, it's not hinting at anything other than that simple fact, imho. :)

So.

You know, them using the movie "Gaslight" for the poster reference makes more and more sense now, because that is how I feel a bit at least: gaslit. Just a little bit.

Because... Nice reunion that you had there... too bad it will turn out to be the contested NOLA one, I would bet real money on it. 😅

......

Sarcasm aside, this is a brilliant show. But I am NOT looking forward to another two years of bullshit accusations (by some) because they were mostly/only spelled things out in the episode insiders, and only broke things up in the last episode. Or of people confusing the meta and social commentary level with the in-universe one.

Which, by the way, I'm happy that they went there. And I am relieved that they spelled things out in the episode insiders. Truly. But as experience has shown after season ONE... implied manipulations, episode insiders and interviews, and cast/crew/writer statements don't mean jack shit to some people.

So yeah, where does this leave us?

This was a dark season. I think I'm not totally wrong when I say that most of us did not get what we wanted from it, neither DM, nor Loumand, nor Loustat. Or Claudeleine.

"Locked together in hatred" comes to mind, though "hatred" is obviously (way) too strong a word. (But that quote fits so nicely 😏🤓)

We DID get some of what we wanted. But for a show which built so heavily on other books... to follow the first book then so closely?? I don't know, it leaves me a bit unsatisfied(**). It feels as if they just shut the book, to be done with it, you know?

I still enjoyed the season, there were brilliant parts in it. But it feels... bloodless. Sexless. Empty of affection. Harrowing. Which is, of course, the point.

This... is a depressing, hinting at suicide-through-vampires note.

Which won't happen, of course.

Because here we get to (**), which is of course ™️ them announcing s3 just prior to the last episode;))) And thereby making some things clear by that fact alone :)) 🙌🙌🙌

I said it before, I expect them to revisit... again. Given that this will be in what, 1,5 to 2 years from now? Well. Hopefully still in 2025. And I hope the arc they spun over these three seasons will be done then. And we can move forward.

I do hope this show will get 10 seasons. But for the first time since it aired I wished we'd already be ahead, in season 4 or something. 😅 Because this heap of loose endings is... taxing^^. Though definitely coming very softened as a blow now with the s3 renewal that’s for sure^^

Can't wait to hear your thoughts, if you want to share them. But these are mine. For now.

I'm sure there will be a lot of details, and analysis and meta to follow, and I'm looking forward to it. 🥰🙌

S1 and s2 were a tale... I mean we knew. But I would have preferred a bit more... truth.^^

Because that Magnus‘ tower scene?! No way. The metaphorical push off the tower??? No way, sorry Rolin but if they let that stay… that’s not giving agency that’s removing Lestat‘s suffering for their weird “toxic masculinity arc“ that Sam hinted at and which was - IN THE BOOK!!! - a misjudgment of Akasha.

AND it is removing Lestat‘s suffering to give more nuance to other characters. -.-

Given Hannah‘s episode 5 comments I hope they do not make a misjudgment of his character there. The red flags are there though, especially after the recent interviews, have been ever since that DV drop, and I have people come to me via DMs now to tell me they’re leaving the fandom bc they’re scared of another GoT…. which I get.

I… still have some faith. I know Rolin tends to put his foot into his mouth at times, he is a troll, and for all her takes on ep5 Hannah also wrote other brilliant scenes.

And we have Sam and Jacob as trump cards.

I‘m determined to enjoy this - this is what we‘ll get. I waited 30 years. I won’t go anywhere. I will enjoy what they give us.

I won‘t like all their decisions. That I am aware of.

BUT I will enjoy it, going in open-eyed, nonetheless.

(*) okay that is obviously bullshit, Armand would not turn him out of spite. Which is another hint I guess. But I talked about that in asks^^ At length 😅

[time-overload]

I'm still really struggling but I don't think it's good for me to isolate myself more than I already do. I've been in my head too much. I'm really afraid about the future. I have felt like I've been in a fog since I woke up this morning. I'm trying really hard to get better but I didn't think it was going to be this difficult. I'm in so much pain all the time I can barely move when I get home from work. I spend most of my weekends recovering from the week and I really don't do anything or talk to many people because I simply don't have the energy and I'm kind of crabby and don't want to bring anyone down. I've been having muscle spasms in my back that keep me up all night. Nothing really seems to help. It's almost impossible to get comfortable when I'm sitting, even in the recliner. I can't focus or accomplish much. Basic tasks are a challenge. I'm really weak. My room is a disaster and it's too damn hot to clean. Everything is piling up around me. My mental illness is getting in the way too. I can barely take care of myself and I feel like I'm way too young to be feeling this way. I feel like no one understands.

I just keep getting busier at work and I feel like I can't keep up with the standards I set for myself several years ago. I just run all day long now. I really enjoy what I do and I put my best effort into everything but sometimes I probably overdo it. I genuinely care about improving the quality of life for other people but I can't seem to do it for myself. I'm burning more calories than I can take in. I've been given a lot more responsibilities which normally wouldn't be a bad thing if I could physically handle it. It seems so easy for other people but I guess I have no idea how they feel. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job if I get any worse and I can't find a different job and I feel stuck where I'm at. I'm scared about Winter because things are only going to get harder. Every day feels like torture lately.

I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and have them dismiss me again. I wish the pain would go away. I don't want any more bills for nothing. I can't take any more sick time for a while either so I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fix myself again. I haven't been drinking because it just makes me feel worse and I know I can't do it anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a drink (responsibly) when I'm healthy again but until then I am staying far away from it. It isn't even appealing at this point. I even turned down an invitation to a party because I just don't want to be around that and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyway. It makes me sad because I really miss having friends and I'm tired of locking myself in my room.

I've been working on eating better but it has been a nightmare for me. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. I either eat way too much or not enough. I have a hard time eating when I'm stressed because it feels like I have knots in my stomach. All of my "safe foods" are horrible for me. I've always been super picky and avoided social situations that involved food because they created a lot of anxiety for me. I've always preferred eating by myself because then no one could judge me. It makes it hard to have healthy friendships especially when I already feel socially awkward a lot of the time.

I kind of feel like I was doomed from the start. I was born 2 months early via emergency c-section. My mom had toxemia preeclampsia and we both almost died. I was seperated from her before she even got to hold me and was taken to a different hospital by ambulance. I was 3lbs 2oz and I spent the first month of my life in the NICU. I feel like I've always been a little different. I have always been small and my doctors have told me that's just the way I'm built and I hate it. I was always envious of curvy girls because I've gotten tired of being called a "twig" or "chicken legs". I got bullied a lot and people would refer to me as the "anorexic girl" in middle school. People still make insensitive comments about my weight all the time and it sucks but I've learned to live with it. I have felt ashamed of my body because of that.

We grew up really poor and my dad was the only one that worked while my mom stayed home. They didn't always have money to buy a ton of food so I adapted to eating a lot of processed foods that have minimal nutritional value. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch when I was a teenager and would have an energy drink or a soda instead. We rarely ate vegetables at home other than potatoes and corn. My mom would cook dinner sometimes but it was usually a cheap boxed meal that she would make me finish while I took care of my siblings and she sat in the garage and talked to herself while chain-smoking and drinking her evening bottle of wine. It was hard to thrive with the way she treated me and I felt like a burden to her. She would often be too hungover to take me to school or she would forget to pick me up. There was a period of time when she was very violent. She got arrested multiple times. She assaulted my dad and punched me so hard I had a black eye for a week and she doesn't even remember doing that. She stole all of the money I had in my savings account for college and blew it on whatever she wanted. I knew she was sick but it didn't make it any easier to deal with because I know that's not who she really is. She used to be very kind and loving. It was incredibly stressful for me and I was coping by not eating as much as I should and stealing her cigarettes and alcohol so I can't say I was much better than her. My dad wasn't really able to cook because he was too busy working or getting abused by her so I really can't blame him. He did the best he could at the time and I don't know where I would be without him. Thankfully they got divorced and we got out of that situation but it hasn't been an easy journey since then. We tried so hard to help her but she refused and mental healthcare in this country is awful. There aren't a lot of resources out there unfortunately. My relationship with her hasn't improved and she still thinks I'm this horrible, evil person and it's unlikely I will ever see her again because she refuses to come home and cannot comprehend that she has something wrong with her. I still love her anyway.

Although I can make some things, I never really learned how to cook properly, even when I became an adult and had my own kitchen because it wasn't a priority for me at the time. I naively thought I could eat fast food all the time without suffering the consequences. I thought I was invincible or something. It didn't help that I lived with someone who also struggled with the same thing. When I was younger, I rarely ate a meal that was made from scratch except for on holidays or when I would go visit my grandparents because there was just too much drama going on at home to eat together as a family. The most I ever weighed was 130lbs when I started college and I felt amazing but it has been downhill from there. It didn't help that I did a lot drugs and made a lot of bad choices after that. I know my growth has been stunted from poor nutrition and anemia. I've been doing a lot of research to try to understand why I have such a difficult time with eating and apparently premature babies are more likely to develop eating disorders later in life along with other mental health conditions. It doesn't help that 2 of my permanent teeth didn't develop and sometimes makes eating uncomfortable. Implants aren't really an option at the moment so I'm trying to deal with that too. I am afraid to have another surgery because of my previous experience. Having sepsis last year really kicked my ass too and I'm still not over that either. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm not even 30. I don't know what to do.

I'm not trying to make excuses or complain about anything, I just need to talk about it because I don't really have anyone. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm doing my best to handle everything on my own. I've been trying to do yoga and meditate when I feel good enough to. I mostly drink water now and I've cut back on caffeine a lot. I have still been trying to eat 3 times a day, drinking protein shakes for extra calories, and trying to snack more. Sometimes it hurts to eat and there are some days when I can't meet my goals though and it's still discouraging when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be this thin. I want to be healthy and I don't care if that means being a little bigger. I have never starved myself with the intention of being thinner. I guess it's more about having control over something in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself for not doing things right. It makes me feel sick when I hear people tell me they're jealous and they wish they could be as thin as I am but they can't see how much I'm suffering inside. Thinness does not equal health. I know starving myself is a shitty coping mechanism. It doesn't fix anything. I spent too much time trying to destroy myself when the odds were already against me and now I'm not where I want to be. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be normal. I'm not giving up even though I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm truly hoping things will get better.

[sardinesandhumbugs]

30 "when you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart" with Ratty and Mole?

(Also, I haven't actually watched any starkid musicals those were suggested by @residentofskinnymandria but I will be looking into them this weekend :D)

A/N: Thank you for the prompt and for your patience! I procrastinated somewhat on this because for my other OTPs, I would usually go straight for the romance with a starter like this, but by now y'all know that when it comes to Ratty & Mole, the line between romantic and platonic tends to be up to reader interpretation :)

Also a shout-out to @wolfiethewriter for unwittingly providing inspiration for this ficlet, by getting hilariously drunk a few nights back during our Midnight Sun readthrough. I only hope you fared better the next morning than Rat :D

x

Categorically, Rat knew there were worse ways to wake.

But, as Toad started on his fifth verse of 'What Shall We Do with the Drunken Sailor?' Rat found he could think of no such examples.

He muttered something unsavoury and buried himself deeper into the recesses of the caravan, far from the prying, headache-inducing light of day, and far, far away from Toad's over-exuberant singing – for what little good it would do him. For Toad had inherited his mother's operatic lungs, if quantifiably not her pitch-perfect tone, and both were on full display that morning.

(It could not be said that Toad was a bad singer. It was simply the case that enthusiasm preceded vocal form, and he cared little for meddling things such as keys or sharps and flats when the mood took him. Regardless, even if Toad's voice had been flawless, Rat wouldn't have had the patience for it. Not today. The careening key changes were just the icing on the cake.)

The song briefly rose as the caravan door opened, and Rat recoiled as much from the intrusion of light as he did from Toad's blasted singing. Then the aroma of eggs and bacon hit him, and he begrudgingly shuffled his snout out of the cool, dark safety of the bedcovers.

Mole stood before him, fried offering in paw, and looking significantly less the worse for wear after their previous night's inebriations than Rat. He grinned, and set the breakfast down on the table beside the bed. "Well," he said, "I've never seen you sleep in this late."

"This isn't sleeping in," Rat muttered. "It's suffering."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before drinking so much yesterday," Mole said, the faint admonishment in his tone outweighed by the amusement.

"I'm not a lightweight," Rat grumbled. "It's just whatever Toad puts in his damn drinks to make them green always knocks me out."

"And makes you very drunk, apparently."

Rat hesitated, unsure whether he wanted to know the answer to his next question. "How drunk?"

Mole grinned again. "Nothing too embarrassing. You mostly just gabbled and then got distressed when you couldn't pronounce a word properly."

"What word?"

"I believe it was library."

"...Library?" Rat echoed. "How–"

"You kept saying 'liblary' instead."

"Libla...?"

"Liblary, hm-mm. The second 'l' kept creeping in, however hard you tried otherwise." The humour in Mole's voice betrayed that Rat's efforts, while in vain, had been quite the show.

Rat considered this as best he could while the sensation of galloping horses gallivanted between his ears. Eventually he located what he hoped would be a safe question. "Why were we talking about libraries?"

"Oh, we weren't – just you. Goodness knows why, and we thought it best not to ask."

"DON'T LET HIM STEER THAT CARGO FREIGHTER, DON'T LET HIM STEER THAT CARGO FREIGHTER, DON'T LET HIM STEER THAT CARGO FREIGHTER, URL-EYE IN THE MORNING!"

With a wince, Rat turned a reluctant ear to Toad's questionable shanty rendition, trying to figure out if the words were indeed what he was hearing, or whether it was simply the effects of the hangover. "What verse is Toad on now?"

Mole chuckled. "Ones of his own creation. I think he ran out of official verses he could recall a while back."

As if to compound that fact, Toad skipped the refrain entirely and overshot to the next verse, of which the origin was undoubtedly a Toad Special.

"PUT HIM IN THE LIBLARY 'TIL HE'S SOBER, PUT HIM IN THE LIBLARY 'TIL HE'S SOBER, PUT HIM IN THE LIBLARY 'TIL HE'S SOBER, URL-EYE IN THE MORNING!"

Rat winced again. "I'm not living this one down, am I?"

"Oh, Toad will forget in time," Mole said, with surprisingly surety for someone who had spent only a day and a half in Toad's presence. But, then again, Toad was not the most complicated of creatures. However, Rat noted that Mole didn't make any mention of himself forgetting any time soon.

Mole nudged the plate closer to Rat. "Eat up. You'll feel better for it."

Rat had half a mind to make a comment about food being Mole's solution to everything, but then he caught another whiff of breakfast and his stomach gave an audible rumble. He pushed himself up and made a start on the meal.

"Just out of curiosity," Mole said, "why did you drink so much of Toad's cocktails if you know you always suffer the next day?"

"Honest answer?" Rat asked. "I forgot."

"You... forgot?"

"I had..." and Rat paused as Toad butchered another verse, "more pressing issues on my mind."

Both animals waited out Toad's latest crescendo, enduring the new volumes before he petered out to more acceptable levels.

"Would those issues be green and singing?" Mole asked.

"Usually."

Rat had worked his way through a rash and a half of bacon before Mole spoke again, and the distance between the words belayed an uneasy deliberation. "You didn't have to come along," Mole said. He sat on the bench that ran along the inner of the caravan, which served as table space and seating as the need arose, and the ledge was set just a smidgen too high so that his paws only brushed the floor. "You know, out on the open road. Not if you didn't want to."

"Ah, well," Rat said, "then who would keep you and Toad out of trouble?"

"I think we would have managed."

Rat squinted. "No offence, Moley, but I know you, and I know Toad–" he gestured to the window from which Toad's performance was still going strong, and then immediately regretted it as the alcohol residing in his system sent his head spinning "–and you are both many things, but 'out of trouble' is not one of them."

"We survived this morning without mishap."

There was a crash from outside, followed by a cry of, "It's alright! Everything's good! No need to check!" from Toad.

"Mostly," Mole amended.

"Definitely sounds like you have everything under control here," Rat deadpanned.

"I'm sure everything's fine."

There was another thump, this time accompanied by the unimpressed whinny of the horse.

Mole and Rat exchanged glances.

Mole closed the window. "Look, Ratty, all I'm saying is that you needn't have felt obliged to come along if you'd rather have stayed on your river." He glanced to the wicker luncheon basket that was still half-full from yesterday, and which had seemingly swayed Rat in his decision to accompany the caravan. "We could have had our picnics on the riverbank instead."

"We?" Rat echoed.

"Well, of course. Do you really think I would have gone off on the Life Adventurous without you?"

Rat didn't immediately respond. The horses in his head had calmed, but the outcome was simply that he had more space to think properly through the last couple of days. Truth be told, he hadn't quite been sure which Mole would have chosen – him or the open road – and he hadn't been interested in putting it to the test. His mind played back the eagerness with which Mole had rootled through the caravan, exploring the compact living wagon and settling in with an ease that made Rat wonder whether the caravan's claustrophobic space reminded Mole of his own beneath-ground home. It certainly was a far cry from Rat's riverbank abode, where the house had the space to sprawl along the shoreline and the freshwater breeze meant the air was never still. Not like being underground, he was sure.

"Ratty?"

He had been lost in his thoughts for too long, and now Mole leant into his line of vision. Rat had to think quickly to recall what exactly Mole had asked.

"No, of course not," he said. "Only – well, I would have hated for you to have stayed on the riverbank only on my behalf."

"Like you came along here on mine?"

“And for the picnics,” Rat added. “Don’t forget the picnics.”

“Right,” Mole said with a laugh that said he wasn’t buying Rat’s offhanded dismissal any more than Rat believed it. “How could I forget the picnics?” He patted Rat’s paw and swung off the seat. “Well, you can put all thoughts of picnics from your mind until you’ve recovered — and maybe in future we stick to drinks we’re familiar with, hm?”

“Maybe,” Rat conceded.

It was as Mole threw him one last grin and disappeared out of the caravan that Rat came to the reluctant conclusion that, whether or not his housemate was aware of it, Mole had him wrapped around his little claw. He set the emptied plate to one side and collapsed back into the bunk, thankful for the small mercy that at least Toad had stopped singing—

“Feeling better finally?”

Rat jolted back up, and had to steady himself against the table as his head swam. He located Toad at the window. “Toad! How long have you been there?”

“I don’t know; I wasn’t keeping track.” Toad leant in against the windowsill conspiringly. “If I had known all it’d take for you to join me would be the smile off an undergrounder, I’d have dug him out ages ago.”

Rat grumbled but decided he was still too hungover to bicker over it.

Besides, it was somewhat difficult to argue with when it was true.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

:O I just read your whumptober fic! It was good but,,, why would you hurt us like this?

I shouldn't answer this in the mindset I'm in (walked into a trigger while trying to do something nice for someone, been a bad brain day ever since) but I'm a fucking moron so I'm gonna.

cw for illness, trauma, injury, surgery, stress, anxiety, family stress, autistic burnout, pandemic, chemotherapy, near-death

Firstly, unless specified, my fics aren't for anyone but me. I'm glad other people enjoy them, or hate the horrible angst, though. Collective feels are a powerful force, and I enjoy feeling like I'm a part of something.

Secondly, that fic in particular is very specifically for me. I have had three Shittiest Year Evers in a row now and I was losing it.

First year, my career imploded and I didn't know why because I didn't know that I had autistic burnout from too many years of trying to be allistically perfect in public and watching everyone sail past me like I was anchored. Most of those years, I hadn't known I was autistic, either.

Second year, Pandemic Boogaloo, in which the stress of allasudden being responsible for teaching my two differently ND kids during spring quarter with no aids physically broke me and I ended up in the hospital, and it took most of the year to get over it. Meanwhile my husband's insurance company fucked him over in January and he had no meds for several weeks, so his health began an irreversible decline that led to severe weight loss, several urgent tests, and lifesaving surgery two days before Christmas. I got to sit and watch him dying faster all year long. My last StL update that year - the big chapter - was written and posted under the growing shadow of the very real fear that my husband might not live to see 2021 at all.

Third year, this year, they found cancer in the bits they'd taken out of him. He started chemo, and it hit him hard, and he was stubborn about it, and I started having really bad anxiety. Had to fire my therapist, which sucked. Then husband's back burst a disc, probably weakened from the chemo. He still hadn't recovered from his Christmas surgery but we were off to another surgeon. And I was there, every day, to watch him be depressed, and angry, and weak. I utterly failed at keeping my kids on task in schoolwork. They were both remote and entirely disconnected, and I could not stretch myself enough to help all three of them. So I picked my husband. My son passed his classes. My enby didn't. And then I got really sick again. In and out of doctor offices, ER, surgeon consults, got scans. It's been six months and they can't figure out what it is, which means it's probably just me trying to worry everyone into being okay. Upside: my brain really is that powerful. Downside: I just can't use the damn thing for anything useful under this amount of stress.

There have been good things. Kids are happier this year, husband is getting good test results back. But I haven't had a good break this year. Or last year, or the year before that. I haven't processed this yet. Any of it. It just... hovers there, haunting me, screaming at me like a drill sergeant.

I tried to write fluffy Ruthari to get me through the hard times. As my husband got sicker and sicker, I wrote and wrote, trying to process, to balance. But it got to be too angsty irl, and I just lost my will to write fluff. It's not a magic charm. So in the spirit of the dark and the spooky, I decided to make a list of really horrible things I've had to endure. And then I gave them to Runaan in the dungeon. Because he can take it, when I can't. That's what drew me to his character in the first place. Not his voice or his long hair or his archery or his brooding. I saw his trauma, and I said: I want that one. He will understand.

So that Whumptober? That's me, hitting Runaan with all the things that hit me first... and him not breaking under the strain. I need to see that it's possible to survive this hell, but so far, no one's really made it out the far end of it, so I had to go fictional and still keep it relevant. I blew off enough darkness to be able to write other things recently, and also to feel really awkward for planning something in October that I finished less than half of. They say never to take fics down, but I've been considering it because it's just so chunky and chaotic and I wrote it ugly and fast and it was like, half vent and half fic... Anyway it's wobbly. Concept good, execution unclear, hellcoin deployed.

Actually its a perfect representation of my mental state. Full of pain and torment and spiders and threats and liars and bad food options and lost memories of an earlier time when things were good and soft and you didn't know just how good and soft they'd be in comparison to the fresh cold hell you're living in. I really am cold. I've been cold for six months due to necessary clothing choices, see... and also it's my turn to be losing the weight. Maybe I'll hibernate this winter in a blanket nest.

If you're not ready for the unholy state of my soul as I write this, don't read my Whumptober. It's a curse, half written, and its purpose is to lift several other curses. It's psychological sausage, and you know what they say about watching sausage get made.

Don't.

[mytastessuck]

Gorillaz: Humanz

SHere it is, the comeback tour! I was so excited for this album, I sucked all the singles that came out before I could download the album. This album basically reminded me of the reasons I love Gorillaz. All of them. One particular reason a little too well...

Okay, let's get the elephant out of the room. This album is a bit controversial among the community for playing a little too hard to one of Gorillaz' strengths: showcasing cool artists. There are more than a few tracks where Damon doesn't even show up. Hell, my favorite track doesn't even have it on him. Me, I honestly don't care about that as long as I get to hear good music but for the rest of you die hard Gorillaz fans? Just think of this as a compilation album like NOW That's What I Call Alternative/Indie Hip-Hop/R&B/Electronica/Pop.

See? Rolls off the tongue. Now let's get started.

1. Intro: I Switched My Robot Off

Nice. Real ominous. Gorillaz really know how to build up a presentation. Feels like you're walking through the doors of the doors to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Anybody remember Legends of the Hidden Temple? Were there doors on that stage? Anyway, awesome.

10/10

2. Ascension

Holy hell, Vince really knocks it out of the park on this one. Different beat, nice flow, social commentary...He was not fucking around on this track. Damon's barely on the track but Vince makes up for it with his existential rhymes and chorus back-up. Man, Gorillaz has gotta take advantage of gospel more often.

9/10

3. Strobelite

That didn't take long, did it? Anyway, this is my favorite song on the album. Peven has an incredible voice, the music psychically compels you to dance and...that's it. Sometimes, well usually with me, you just need to go with Simple Yet Awesome. Have a good voice and a good beat. This song has both and I'm pretty sure that one day, a scientist will hear this song and will be inspired by it to cure diabetes.

100/10

4. Saturn Barz

Ah, the lead single from the album. Remember the 360 house, everyone? Yeah, you remember. Glad to have Gorillaz welcome back Reggae into their line-up with Popcaan manning the helms. He and Damon tag-team the eardrums with the power of dread as the instrumentation makes you feel like you're in a haunted house. Welcome back, guys.

25/10

5. Momentz

WELCOME BACK, GUYS! De La Soul returns to say some real shit about time and how you should, respect and stuff. Seriously, awesome track. Kicks so much ass and you can even dance to it as you wonder if this MOMENT will be one of the last times when you feel really happy. Nice...

9/10

6. Interlude: The Non-Conformist Oath

Hey, Steve Martin! I like to imagine a bunch of assholes listening to this and...just not getting it. Not us though. We get it. We're smart. Smarter than those guys...

10/10

7. Submission

This song had to grow on me but years after I got the album and after I learned to appreciate Danny Brown a little more like all humans should, this song became one of my favorites off the album. Don't worry Kelela, he doesn't carry the whole song. Her voice is so beautiful that it can calm a charging rhino or a coked-up Connor McGregor. These make the song a lot classier than it had any right being.

90/10

8. Charger

She's beauty, she's Grace...she's also Jones. Man, I haven't heard from this woman since Corporate Cannibal and she has clearly been keeping up practice. God, how can a woman's laughter both scare and arouse me? Damon's no slouch on this track either, singing about the monster that keeps us all tethered: the charger. I kid, I kid. Hey, did Damon really get a boner on stage when he sung this or are you guys messing with me? Message me if you know.

9/10

9. Interlude: Elevator Going Up

On a recent trip, I tried to go up the elevator but it was card-activated so a desk lady had to help me. That's it.

8/10

10. Andromeda

Damon has to do the heavy lifting here and his muscles have not completely wasted away from lack of use. He tells us to take in our heart and you know what? I did. I took this song directly in my heart...and my playlist.

50/10

11. Busted And Blue

Yeah, this song is a bummer. A good bummer. It's Broken's younger brother who joined the army to make his parents proud after he couldn't get into university like his older brother who managed to form a separate family with his squad and began to think that maybe he was good enough after all before his squad gets bombed and, as he lies legless dying painfully on the ground, a blue butterfly land directly on his outstretched busted hand...

Directed by Mervyn LeRoy

10/10

12. Interlude: Talk Radio

You ever wonder how we get voices in machines? I know you think it's a complicated process but I know a dude who picked up the radio in his electric fan once. Think about it.

8/10

13. Carnival

Again, this song had to grow on me but one day, while I was thinking about Gamzee for a godforsaken reason, I thought "Geez, he talks about the Dark Carnival and the Dark Carnival isn't even some of ICP's best days. What's a good song about a carnival?" Anyway, Anthony can spin a person's mind and mind around just by singing. He's wild.

80/10

14. Let Me Out

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Mavis was Vince's mother? She's not but that would be funny as well as cool. Her and Pusha T bang on the walls of this track as they rant about the politics at the time of this song. Yeah, they're talking about Trump. That car horn can't protect you forever, you orange bastard.

9/10

15. Interlude: Penthouse

Dear Penthouse: Hi. Does anyone check in on you, just you? I'm here to say I think you're important and you provide a necessary outlet for men to brag about being perverts. At least before the Youtube comment section existed.

Thanks for everything,

mytastessuck

8/10

16. Sex Murder Party

Ooooo, this track puts me in a funky mood. Like, there's a part but there's sex there...and MURDER. So you know it's an awesome party. Kick-ass, right? I know it's kick-ass. Keep dancing, people.

11/10

17. She's My Collar

Pretty sexy song. Gotta love people vauging about being used in a song. That's why we love Offspring, that's why we love Damon on his knees onstage. Hey, there was a post that said Noodle wrote this song about her girlfriend. That was an excellent post. Well done.

9/10

18. Interlude: The Elephant

I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BASTARD!

8/10

19. Hallelujah Money

Ah, the technical first single. Remember when they said that they weren't going to put this song on the album? Anyway, this is exactly the song we needed after The Incident occurred. Benjamin manages to calm down an entire populace while Damon just fearfully wonders what our future will be like...and he's in the UK. This song is one long terrifying lullaby to an entire country...until the end, anyway.

75/10

20. We Got The Power

A great way to remind listeners that no matter what's happening, no matter who's in charge, we have the power change everything. An excellent message for people who were still recovering from The Incident.

10/10

21. Interlude: New World

Okay, the bonus tracks. Should be nothing special here, right? Just some B-sides and I've never shown favoritism towards B-sides, right?

8/10

22. The Apprentice

A nice song from the same Rag n' Bone Man who brought us "Human". Zebra manages to lay down some nice rhymes as Ray BLK backs them both up with the force of her voice. These guys should form a team with how well they work together. Oh, they should make a virtual band! All they need to do is find an artist...

9/10

23. Halfway To The Halfway House

A very nice song if a bit overshadowed by the others on the album. Still, Peven can't be beat when it comes to crooning and he raises a song from a solid C to a B.

8/10

24. Out of Body

This song had to grow on me also but when it did...lord, this song is weird. Hypnotic suggestions, telephone tones, the song starts then Zebra jumps in to help then who is this person?! Why are people applauding?! Who are you people?! Why are there so many crows gathering outside my house?!

60/10

25. Ticker Tape

Well well well, look who's back. Damon returns with his old friend Kali to join the accuser of the vain Carly Simon to beg us to stay on the album. Sorry Damon, but I got places to do and people to go. There's nothing you can do to convince me to stick around after how long this album already is.

9/10

26. Circle of Friendz

Huh. Seems like a riot is going on. Weird for Gorillaz to get this real. What, this guy is just going to keep saying Circle of Friendz again and again? Is this supposed to affect me? Get real. It'll take a lot more than a nice voice and implications to...

To...

...

...Maybe I should listen to the album again.

11/10

Album score: 25/10

Damn, that took a while. Shouldn't be the case next week when we cover The Now Now. See you then!

[bby-ahgastay]

a/n: hey guys. there's a lot going on right now in the US. my heart is heavy seeing it all. as a little girl i was terrified of cops. no little girl should be scared of someone who is supposed to protect her and everyone around her. i plan to help fight for BLACK LIVES MATTER. i hope you all will do what you can as well. i wrote this after my parents told me they don't want me near the protests. my dad said he's seen videos of people being pushed to the floor by cops for just standing there. i told him i would be okay with becoming one of those videos if it means people will keep seeing what's going on. so that people will finally see that ALL. COPS. ARE. BASTARDS. i wanted to use this small platform i have here to get out some of what i have to say. and i have so much more to say still. not enough can ever be said. i hope that those of you in america stand with me and everyone else on this side during this time. i pray and hope with all my heart that our boys will.

SILENCE = VIOLENCE

TU LUCHA ES MI LUCHA

ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

BLACK LIVES MATTER

-------

"hey, i've been seeing all those videos... you're really going to this thing? it seems so dangerous," your boyfriends worried voice rings through your phones speakers. his camera is pointed straight upwards, all you can see is the ceiling in his kitchen. "i don't really want you around all that stuff. you could get really hurt."

chan was in korea right now. you live out there too, for school, but america was your birth place. stuff has been getting bad in america lately. the virus hit everywhere hard, but america didn't deal with it properly. while the rest of the world was recovering from it, people out there are still getting sick and dying. and the fight between races was no better after so long. black people were still dying at the hands of people who would receive no real consequences. and people are done.

there are riots and people are looting. the streets are filled with people who are done with cops. the entire criminal justice system in america was built on a rotten foundation. they started as a slave patrol, to bring back slaves who had escaped their owners clutches. what is built on a rotten foundation will always be rotten.

you want to fight with those who want to better the country. so to show your support for the black lives matter movement you decided to go home. to fight with them right there in person. it didn't feel enough to stay in korea and show your support through social media. so now you're back at your family home in los angeles, ready to go to every protest you can.

though chan wishes you wouldn't. he's been trying to stay as up to date with everything as much as he could. he knows that you've already gone to the ones that have happened since you've arrived, but they're getting worse and he keeps trying to get you stay home. you know he just cares for your safety. you've been hurt already and he's scared how much worse it can get. but this is too important to you to just stay home and watch from your window. you wish he just understood that you need to be a part of this as much as you possibly can.

"yes, i'm really going. i have to. i need to be a part of this," you bite your lips nervously. "i mean..." chan appears on screen again, eyes sticking to you intently as you speak. "all my life, i've been told how lucky i am to be in this country. how proud i should be that i was born an american. and i know i should be proud, my grandparents worked hard to make sure i could be an american. but how can i be proud of this place anymore?

"just seeing my own family struggling to live here peacefully is enough reason to be ashamed. how is it right that my abuelo and abuela came here for a better life for their family and now they can't even walk past a police officer without worrying about getting stopped. cops hardly need an excuse to harass a person of color. and if my grandparents are ever stopped by a cop they could find out that they're not legal and they'll get deported.

"i've grown up terrified of cops. at five years old if i would just see a cop car near my house i would know to tell my mamá and papá so we could get the house ready 'just in case they wanted to take abuelo and abuela away from us...' that's what they would say to me and the other kids in the house. we were all just children... but still we knew exactly what to do by the time we could walk and talk.

"and while we have to hide my grandparents from the law, hide them for their crime of making a better life for their children and the next generations to come, a black person has to worry about losing their life or losing a loved one while just walking down the street.

"you've seen the videos, chan. they're chanting 'black lives matter' and 'all cops are bastards'. they're both right and they're both something that everyone should know by now. and yet still here we are fighting against people who still support cops because theyre either just as bad as they are or they simply don't understand. and they chose not to educate themselves so they go on believing that we are the bad guys. i want them to get it. this isn't white versus black. this is everyone versus racists. and them saying 'i'm not racist' can not be enough. 'not racist' will get us no where. what we need is anti racism. and until we have that i won't be proud of this country.

"how can i? how can i be proud of a place that not only doesn't welcome me or my family, but a place that allows lives to be taken everyday and for what reason? all because someone with a badge, the same badge they used as slave patrollers, decided to abuse the power we wrongly placed in their hands because they know they can get away with it since that person was darker than them. because as far as this system shows the law doesn't know yet that black lives matter. and since they lack that knowledge they get away with no more consequences than a slap on the wrist. and we've been trying to teach them. we've been screaming at them 'black lives matter' for years. but they haven't listened. they kept pushing it away, ignoring it. they continue to allow the murder. and they think that we will too.

"well, i fucking refuse. i refuse to watch this anymore. i refuse to just let this just be another month full of retweeting petitions and nothing more. i refuse to let my country go on like this. i refuse to let my children see america like this. i refuse to become another adult in this damned place telling my kids 'you should be proud,' just for them to grow up and see what is really happening here. i don't want them to just be another generation that this shit just gets passed onto. this fight has been going on for too fucking long and i intend to be a part of the movement that ends it in any way i can. and right now that means going to every single protest i can."

your voice shakes the entire time you talk, tears streaming down your face barely a few sentences in. a hand comes up to wipe your face, sniffling slightly and clearing your throat. you look back at your phone, catching channie's glassy eyes through the screen. "sorry, i-i got carried away... it just all makes me so mad," another wave of fresh tears comes and you struggle to keep them back. a groan leaves you as you rub your eyes with your sleeves.

"hey," you look to see him shaking his head. "don't be sorry. i understand. i'm proud i have such a passionate girlfriend. and i know that you will help make america a place that one day our kids will be proud of, just like you want for them. i love you. please be careful out there," there's a slight break in his voice and you're surprised to see a couple tears fall from his eyes.

"i promise i will. i love you, too, chan. so much."

[justjessame]

A Little Ass and a Lotta Sass Chapter 27: Our 'Honeymoon'...Haven't We Done it So Much That It's Old Hat By Now?

I shouldn’t have been surprised at how fucking excited Negan would be to unwrap me from the wedding dress he’d picked. I shouldn’t have been shocked at how badly he wanted me, even now as my growing proof of our child was making it damn near impossible for me to see my toes. I mean, Negan ALWAYS wanted me, but our wedding night? After months of having one another any time we felt like it, I’d assumed that it would be just another Tuesday.

The way he looked at me, as more and more of my skin was bared under his hands, was almost like he’d never looked at me before. And maybe he hadn’t. Not this version of me. Not as his wife. His partner. The woman that he’d pledged his love to in front of the world. Or at least our world.

I’d never felt more beautiful, or more loved. Standing bare before him, watching his eyes trace every single mark, scar, curve and bump of my body, I wished I knew what he was seeing. Through his eyes.

“You really are mine,” he whispered, in awe it seemed. As though he hadn’t owned me from day one. As though he hadn’t held me in his palm like he’d told me I’d held him. “You gonna tell me what I did to deserve you now, Callie?”

I smiled up at him. Moving closer so I could start unbuttoning his shirt. Sliding it off his shoulders, pulling it off his wrists and letting it fall to the floor. My hands moved to his pants, happy to find only ONE belt. I took the same time and attention he’d given me. Feeling that same awe he must have. This larger than life man, Negan, was mine. Forever. As he kicked off his pants and shoes, since bending down wasn’t a great experience for me, I stepped back and studied him. He was gorgeous. Every single inch of him was a miracle to me.

“You were you, Negan.” I answered, finally, touching him with my fingertips. His chest, running through the blanket of hair, and up to curl around his neck. “That’s what you did to deserve me. You were you.”

He scooped me back into his arms as our lips met, and carried me to the bed that he’d had replaced. And there, among blankets and pillows, I totally let him do that thing with his tongue that I like. Over and over.

 As we were recovering from the start of our honeymoon, facing one another on the bed he’d made sure was returned, I wanted details of how he’d decided some of the plans for our wedding. The location I understood. Gabe I got. But some of the details, well I wanted to know.

“Why the wine color?” I was talking about the dresses that Michonne and Judith wore, but also there had been other touches, in my bouquet, on the cake.

His hand was still running down my bare skin while the other was cupping my bump. “That’s what color you were wearing the first time we met.” I had to make sure my mouth stayed closed, because I was fucking shocked that he’d remembered. “You stood on that fucking porch, cockily taking me on, and I just fucking came undone. That fucking shirt, dipping JUST fucking low enough to tempt me, but nowhere fucking near enough to what I wanted from that first fucking word out of your lips.” He brushed his against mine to illustrate how much he loved my lips. “That color will ALWAYS remind me of you.”

Jesus, and they laughed at my mention of his charm. Fucker had romance coming out of his damn pores. “The dress?” I asked, thinking of it tossed on the floor in front of the door.

Negan’s smile was huge, and I nearly gulped. “It showed off all the parts of you that I wanted the fucking world to see were mine.” I listened as he used his hand to illustrate. “This,” his hand joined the other to cup our baby bump. “I wanted EVERYONE to see that you’re fucking RIPE with my baby.” I bit my lip, wanting to giggle, but also wanting him to go on. “And,” his hands slid up my body, until each one cupped one of my very large breasts. “These, fuck, Callie, I’m almost fucking pissed off that our baby is going to have sole ownership of these fucking beauties when they arrive.” He lowered his mouth and kissed the top of each globe, teasing me before he licked down to lavish attention on each peak. “I REALLY fucking hope these stay after our little one gets evicted.”

I was biting my lip as he kept going. Other questions, fuck Callie, think. “Your ring?” It came out breathless, but fuck if he wasn’t masterful with that mouth of his.

“Rick surprised the shit out of me when he told me he was gonna give it to us.” His face was still buried in my flesh, but I could hear him. “But fuck if I’ll ever take the damn thing off.”

I smiled, letting him keep going with getting me ready for another round. And then, as he was just about to move his head down to remind me of ALL the things his tongue did that I loved, as he kissed my bump, it happened. The baby fucking kicked him right in the nose. I felt it and looking down from where he’d propped up my head on pillows, I saw his eyes widen.

“Shit,” he breathed, pressing his face against the bump again and being rewarded with a shot to the mouth. “I felt it!” I smiled down at him, seeing how fucking excited he was. “That’s right, little one, that’s right. Daddy's here.”

And suddenly, sex took a backseat, because FINALLY his hell spawn was giving him what he wanted almost as badly as he craved marrying me. Or, I corrected as I watched him kiss, cradle and talk to our baby, more than.

 We left the next afternoon. The goodbyes this time were easier. The promises more readily made for more visits. The happiness truly overshadows any trace of unease.

Once Negan had helped me back into the truck, buckling me carefully, and joining me we started back home. Home. The Sanctuary really was my home now. I was smiling as I watched out of the windshield, determined to pay attention to the route, when Negan’s hand reached for mine. I gave it willingly, and let our fingers link.

His eyes didn’t leave the road and we drove straight back, no interruptions, no detours, because both of us wanted nothing more than to go home, to our own rooms, and start this new chapter of our lives.

 Word had spread before we returned, or maybe an announcement was made, because the entire population was waiting when we drove up. Negan was smiling as he helped me down, and as Lucille took her proper place on his shoulder, my hand took its proper place in his, and we walked through the kneeling people with the same casualness he’d shown the first time. Only this time, I was just as unconcerned as he was.

Our apartment was finished. The kitchen was furnished with a stove, fridge, and our table had been moved to join them. Dishes were in cabinets that had been built fresh. There was a sink and counter tops. Like it had been there the entire time, and we just had to open the door to find it.

When Negan had bragged about how easily they’d found the nursery furniture, I’d assumed they’d raided empty houses. As I looked around at the pile of boxes, I struggled not to laugh. They weren’t built. None of it. Not the crib. Not the rocking chair. Not the changing table. Not the dresser, which I took note sitting alone to the side.

Seeing where my attention was focused, he turned me to face him and grinned. “Don’t worry, princess, I’m going to build it. For,” he touched my bump and was rewarded by another kick. “Them. See, they know Daddy’s got this shit covered.”

“Have you ever assembled furniture before?” I was still taking in the boxes, there was clearly more furniture than just what I’d assumed, and it looked fucking overwhelming.

“No,” he shook his head and I felt my eyes widen. “Can’t be too fucking hard, right?”

I had to hold back my laughter. He looked so fucking excited and eager. And PROUD. Fuck. He wanted to do it, so goddamn badly, and I COULDN’T mock that. Not even when every fucking fiber within me was wanting to.

“I can’t wait to see it.” I offered instead, and kissed him. Hoping he was right. That it wasn’t going to be difficult. That I would be able to fucking keep from giggling when, no IF it all went to shit.