#i spent longer than i shouldve on this thing.

[commander-reblogs]

i will not disclose how long i spent on this (too long. it's nearly a quarter to six...in the morning. i need to go to bed.)

not posting this to main becuase main is an artblog. might draw tabitha soon tho maybe :^

[ghostcond]

i got a new tablet two days ago and its been good. wahooo

[hellcatchvalley]

dare i say the first otohan fight is where it all started to go wrong

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[seungkwanniee]

pairings : nonidol!seveteen x gn!reader

genere : fluff , angst ( minghao one )

warnings : little made fun of (jun) , panic attack but not at all (wonwoo)

synopsis : seventeen as love trope imo !

an : don't know when this is coming out but, -3 for bald Jeonghan. They are so fucking long that maybe i shouldve writed a whole series and not this but anyway

〔masterlist〕

SCOUPS 』

age gap , age ain't nothing but a number

He loves having someone on his knees no matter what, and we know younger people are more easy to manipulate but i mean it in a good way. Seungcheol would love have you wrapped around his fingers, have you doing all that just for him make him istantly happy, it fills his chest with love. But he would prefer way more to spoil you with gift, love and money. You need money? he is already putting them in your bra. You wanted that cloth? it's already yours. He likes have you wrapped around his arms that are way bigger than your whole body. Loves the height gap, so he can lay his chin on top of your head and wrap your neck with his arm. He could care less when someone points out the age gap, he loves you no matter what.

JEONGHAN 』

unreachable love interest , talking to you means a lot to me

Jeonghan is that one popular guy that everyone is in love with, so it feels like he is unreachable. He looks like an angel and seems also so sweet and caring but at the same time interesting to be around. You was only one of those people that is blinded by his beauty, why he would even notice you and your odd interest? He never showed love interest on anyone and never dated someone, he was a little bit cold, you were being just delulu right? It was so surprining for everyone when one day his steps weren't the same as he does everyday to walk into his class: he was getting closer to you, he was going trowards you. Your heart was beating so fast that you thought everyone could hear that, while your face was already red just by looking closely to his face. This unreachable angel was talking to you?

JOSHUA 』

slow burn , a lot can happen in 6 months but didn't expected this

At frist, when your friend introduced you two, you didn't minded about him too much. Sure, he was looking pretty and his behavior during the whole hangout was so gentle with everyone, but slowly he became part of your daily routine. He got involved in your group of friends more, so you automatically spent more time with him and became good friends. He was always caring, helping you to go down or upstairs, sometimes playing your food, fixing you hair etc... be he was like that with everyone, there was no purpose below. But when your heart starts flutter when he meet your eyes, you know something was changing. You no longer see his action innocently, you everytime internally begged him to make one more move, more closer to you, more intimate. Your skin pratically craving for his touch was everything you needed. Who thought that this could happen in six months?

JUN 』

the quiet ( and smart ) boy , I was quiet but not blind

Jun was the quiet, and maybe weird, guy everyone got in their class. He never talked to anyone, and no one ever spoke to him. Jun was smart enough to know that that class was a herd of kids who followed the crowd and he didn't want to be one of them, his few friends were already enough for him. As I mentioned, Jun was a smart ass boy, he noticed one girl in particular. He didn't liked her in that way, she just was the one he hated the less. His classmates didn't mind when he could hear the non-pleasant things they were saying about him, every single one said something except her. Rather, he had heard her complaining with her friends their behavior, sometimes he could ever hear the sound of a little slap, maybe in the head, after their words. During class, often you eyes land on him, his head almost always lowered to the desk writing something with his relaxed form but today something was different. His legs shaking up and down while his hand was playing with the pen that was supposted to write down the paper. when a "you are too smart to be friend with them" paper landed on you desk at the end of the class, you got everything, as if your vision was no longer blurred thanks to a stupid note.

HOSHI 』

childhood friends , it's always been you

Soonyoung was laying between your arms, while his eyes were red and puffed because of previous tears. You always warned him about the girl he was dating until few hours ago: she never liked you and you never liked her. You never knew why she didn't liked you, just because you were Soonyoung bestfriend was a stupid reason. Btw, you had a strong reason to not like her, a red flag swinging right in front of you bestfriend face that the decided to completely ignore. You always knew she was going to cheat, she did before nothing was stopping her just because he was Soonyoung. You stayed beside him the whole time, he needed to heal from this harsh breakup, but this made things change with the time. You noticed how he was more caring now, he always been but you felt something was off for sure. At one point it seemed like you was the one that needed to be healed, not him anymore. But he considered you like her sister until few months ago, what happened now?

WONWOO 』

fake dating , I like you more than I planned

When you told about this to him, all he could do was be shocked, and you kinda understand him. When your friends comes to you and tell you to pretend to be a coupla at a wedding it was pretty weird, no? Plus, Wonwoo is so shy and reserved, but it was the best choice you could come with. You hated all the invadent questions they ask, the last time they almost made you have a panick attack so you wasn't planning to go throught that hell once again. When you were standing beside him, he had his arms wrapped around your waist. Occasionally, he would also wrap you shoulder, adjust your hair or wipe your mouth from the crumbles. You would notice how his ears go bright red when his hands lays on your body, or how his hands were slightly trembling. You wanted to make fun of him, but you were exactly like him if not worst. He almost choke when one of your aunts ask you two a kiss, you would pat his back trying to keep him alive while with trembling voice explained how shy you are to do pda in public.

WOOZI 』

enemies to lovers , are you flirting or starting a fight?

when you hear that your partner project is Lee Jihoon, you just want to let out hundred curses. This was an important work project, almost depending your future and they paired you with the person for which you have hatred. At the start, you two only warned the eachother how important the project was and reiterated your mutual hatred, for what is still unknown and we'll never know because you two actually started to get along very well. It was the most unexpected thing for your coworkes see you talking like normal human being, working like you never hated eachother, how you two seemed almost like the realest bestfriends. From now on, you two enjoyed the each other comfort company and used the extra hour to stay toghether. Everyone already knew how you two will be lovers one day.

DOKYEOM 』

grumpy x sunshine , I loved you so hard that I softned

You don't know if adopt the cat you have now it was the best decision ever. It didn't fall in love with you, but with your neighborhood and you two aren't even friends. Your cat would sneak out in the most weird possibile way even figuring out how to open the balcony window and jump on the near balcony. You were so embarassed to knock at his door and explain that the cat that jumped on his apartment was yours. Maybe it was annoying him, maybe he was that kinda of grumpy neighborhood (spoiler: you were) and will yell at you. But when the door opens, you find the exactly opposite in front of your eyes. He was tall but his face looked so bright, you don't even know how to explain it but it was like that. Your little black cat was laying so comfortable in his way more bigger hands that it almost didn't wanted to come with you again. You regretted how cold you were with him, but you never saw him and it will continue like that, you tought. Never been so wrong: apparently your cat loved soo much Seokmin that now it almost live at his instead of yours. You were grateful that he wasn't annoyed by that, he was a little sunshine, but instead it was bothering you. You never liked having convo with new people, and your cat was pratically forcing you to do that. You even tought to give it to him forever just to avoid his attempt of conversation, or his invites you to come into his apartment and eat something together. But at the end, you will be always grateful to your cat that letted you met your now boyfriend.

MINGYU 』

soulmates , I meet another me inside of you

It was so shocking when you met him and discovered that you two have almost the same tatoo, it was like you two were made for eachother. It was a silly one, with no meaning behind it at all and this made the thing seem even more on propuse. The thing you two didn't knew it was that you were meant to meet and never leaving eachother side ever. The stage of being friends it never actually exsisted in your relationship, catching feelings was so fast and never been so easly that you almost thought that everything was just a fever dream, it wasn't actually real, so unreal in your head but it was like that. You have you boyfriend by your side everytime you need to, he loves you with all his heart and actually got another matching tatoo.

MINGHAO 』

forbidden love , in another life

when Minghao's family dicovered that his girlfriend wasn't chinese as him, they were disappointed from the start. They were a traditional family, and Mingaho knew that, but his heart choosed her and he can't help it. She doesn't even looked like a foreigner, at some point you spoke chinese better than him. He knew that they wouldn't like her at the start, thats why he went slow with them, but he never thought they would overreact so badly. His own mother didn't even talked to him for the frist weeks, letting him guess how disappointed and upset he was. His face was full of surprise when suddently they asked for a dinner togheter, they wanted to get to know her but all of the sudden looked a little bit of on his eyes. He putted aside his thoughts, he was so happy and excited when he got that his family was starting to soften about his relationship with a foreigner. He never regretted a decision more, they made you come for what? to embarass you, bring you down and made you feel not enough for him. He got so upset for you, he was blaming himself and apologize in his knees, you didn't deserved that and decide that you two should go in separate path.

SEUNGKWAN 』

insicure / unexpected love , & then I met you

Seungkwan always been the insicure guy: he thought no one would ever love him romatically, he was more like the class clown and only seem like a friend to the girls. He wasn't handsome, he wasn't the popular guy becayse of his look, he was only popular for his funny personality, sometimes he would even embarass himself in front of everyone just to make his classroom laugh. He never shows how this topic upset him, gotta always fake a smile and pretend nothing, but deep down himself he is almost sure no one will ever love him but also he will never be capable to love someone. He is scared and unexperienced: he can surely make someone laugh, but he can love? he can give the attention his future lover needs? he can make the person feel loved as he deresved? He was sure he was impeded in love, until you came in his life. You was the unexpected love of his life, and learned how he was really good at loving, giving attention and those things. When you frist you went to him, he thought it was a joke, someone better reveal the cameras and stop it because it wasn't funny, he would be so upset for his whole life for be made fun of. But you was dead serious, you didn't seen him like the weird funny and class clown, you saw deep down in his soul and it was so pretty, unique and majestic.

VERNON 』

innocent crush , I wonder how I look from my crush's pov

He may be the cold and dead serious guy, the one that never show interest on nothing, much less for a girl. But when he revealed his crush on you to his friends, even them were shocked. And now, forget everything about the cold guy you always knew, he become so awkward around you from now on. He always tries to get your attention, but in the end he just looks goofy and silly. Seungkwan and Dino not helping him at all too as they just look way goofier than him or just make him in weird situation. Like that one time where they made fall his whole lunch in front of you, but that just got an interaction between you two so a win is a win. But I feel like this would just be a school crush, and you two will never ending up toghter.

DINO 』

second chance love , I will always choose you

When you met those familiar eyes one again, after almost a year you two lost contact, you got it wasn't never with that boy you hardly fell in love. It was so crowded down the streets, when you stopped for few seconds because of the shock, you already lost the sight of your friends. You quickly flutter your eyes when he moves slight trowards you, not because he wanted to, but because one his friend just bumped into him. He looks at him dumbfounded because hell, there wasn't almost space to even breath why he was just staning in the middle of nothing looking straight like an idiot but he quickly relized when he looks straight too. Dino never shutted up about you, not even when you two broke up because of his dumbness, and his friends needed to hear him yap about you for so long. They even tried to pair him someone else, thinking he was just stuck and needed a push to go out of this never ending situation but every single dated ended up by the girl being bored about him yapping about the same thing or better, a person. They always thought he was overreacting but well, they got everything just by looking on his eyes.

[phagodyke]

completed the game btw 👍

laptop crashed on me trying to open elden ring the final straw 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[f1nalboys]

since you're taking requests.. how do we feel about pegging feat. david the lost boys... i don't think i've ever seen anyone write about that and it's soo sad. missed opportunity imo

anon. i owe u my life. pegging david..... this is so delicious idk why i never thought to write it for him????? hes offcially reached pegging status everyone, thats how u know im down bad for the mf!!!! i had sm fun writing this and it took me way longer than it shouldve to write this amount of words but <3333 i hope u enjoy and thank you!!!

David x AFAB!Reader

WORD COUNT: 1281

WARNINGS: nsfw, top!reader, bottom!david, pegging, brat taming, choking, mocking, begging, hand job, threat of edging/denial, david calls reader sweetheart, reader calls david a slut, kinda proofread (yall know me atp)

“Hurry up.” David’s voice comes muffled, but there’s no mistaking the crack in it. You snort, ignoring him as you run your fingertips up and down his spine in a futile attempt to calm him down. He moves slightly, groaning as the strap, which was settled inside him, pushes in further. “Fuck,” he moans and you watch his pale hand grab at your bedsheets. “Just move, Y/N, alright?”

You snort. “Is that how you ask?”

“You’re not fucking doing anything! I just want-”

“Does it seem like I give a fuck what you want, David?” You snap, hands gripping onto his hips and keeping him flush against you. He doesn’t answer besides a strangled noise. “You want me to move, baby?” You ask, voice teasing and soft. It makes a chill go down David’s spine, hearing you say the things he would to you. “Then you better start begging.”

He scoffs. “Y/N, I’m not fuckin’ doing that.” There’s a brief moment where David thinks this is working, that he’s gotten you to break; Your hips rock forwards slightly and he grins, his mouth open as he gasps into the bed. “There you go, w-wait, what? What’re you…?” He feels the thick base of the toy begin to slide out of him and that’s when David catches on. “No!”

David’s hands reach backwards as he sits up onto his elbow, blindly grabbing at whatever part of your body he can reach, desperate to keep the toy inside him. You smack at his hands and he whines and you know he's finally where you’ve wanted him the last hour. “Use your words.” You whisper and he groans, annoyed, but you pull out another inch and the annoyance falls away, devolving into panic. 

“Okay, okay,” he spits out quickly and you pause, a third of the strap left inside him. David cranes his neck back to look at you and in the light of your lamp you can make out the fresh tears that were brimming in his eyes. A few years ago, the very sight of him like this would have had you apologizing, trying to make amends. But now, after all your time spent with David, you knew this is what he wanted. Despite his attitude and his clenched jaw and his biting words and his general antagonism, what he really craved was to be used. The way he treated you was exactly how he wanted to be treated, and you had earned his trust to let it happen. “Please, sweetheart, just… just move, okay? Don’t pull out.”

You tilt your head at him, tsking. “That’s all? Really? I told you to beg and you give me that?” He narrows his eyes at you but keeps his mouth shut, knowing that you wouldn’t hesitate to pull out. “Try again. If you fuck up this time, we’re done.” You pout, voice dripping with mock concern as you reach around and wrap your hand around his cock, stroking him slowly, ignoring the way his elbows buckle. “And that would suck, wouldn’t it? Poor baby, doesn’t get to cum.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You willing to bet?”

“Fuck, okay, fine.” David grunts, eyes fluttering shut briefly at the feeling of your hand around his aching cock. “Y/N, baby, please. I need it so bad, alright? You got me, shit, don’t stop.” As he begs, your hand picks up speed, thumb brushing over his tip each time. You pull a shuddering breath out of him and you feel a bead of pre-cum against your thumb and it’s like the dam breaks. His voice is cracking and high pitched, his hips moving involuntarily, pushing the strap back inside him. “Shit! There we go, just like that. Holy fuck, I can’t… I need you to move, please, baby. I wanna cum, I… I want you to make me cum, okay?

“You can take it all out on me, I swear. I’m an asshole, yeah?” You hum in agreement, still not moving your hips despite the sight of David fucking himself back on your strap, taking almost every inch. You want to, but then he wouldn’t learn his lesson. “Then fuckin’ make me take it. Shove my head in the pillow and make it hurt.” He says, his blue eyes darkening ever so slightly. He holds your gaze, a single tear slipping down his cheek. “Please.”

Your hips snap forwards harshly, plunging the silicone toy back into his hole. He grunts, head falling back onto the bed, eyes squeezed shut as you set a steady and harsh pace. “This what you wanted?” You grunt, leaning over him and placing your hand on the side of his face, shoving it further into the mattress. “God, you’re so fucking dirty, you know that baby? Just a slut, isn’t that right?” 

“Yes! Yes, I’m your slut, fuck,” he moans. Your hand is still wrapped around his cock and you stroke him in tandem with your thrusts. The position is perfect for David; he’s feeling you all around him, overwhelming each of his scenes, giving him nothing to focus on but this. You move your hand from his face, bringing it up the nape of his neck to tangle in the bleach blonde roots, and you tug. He whimpers as he listens, shakily forcing himself up until he’s leaning back against you, your hand making its way around his neck. 

“You close?” He nods desperately, grinding back against you, whimpering with each thrust. His cheeks were red, tear stains drying on his face, his eyebrows threaded together, and that same smug grin on his face. “Maybe I should stop, ya know? Edge you instead of giving you whatever you want all the fucking time.” Your thrusts get harder, your hand around his throat tightening. His eyes widen, smile faltering but you can feel his cock twitch against your palm, now slick with his pre cum. “You’re such a fucking brat, all the god damn time, I shouldn’t fucking reward you.”

The more you talk about denying him, the closer he gets. In times like this you felt more in tune with David's pleasure than your own, and how could you not? He was loud, whether he was giving or receiving, constantly moaning and grunting, filthy words flowing from his lips, and you’d have to restrain him to get his hands off of you; it was almost impossible to ignore. “So fuckin’ close, there we go, Y/N.” He grunts, voice hoarse from the grip you still had on his throat. “I need it so fuckin’ bad.”

Nipping at his earlobe, you whisper. “Come on then, slut. Cum for me.” You pull back in time to watch his eyes squeeze shut, his pink lips part into a long drawn out moan as he cums, your hand  dropping from his throat. Your thrusts slow down as he spills over your hand and you coo into his ear. “There you go, sweetheart.”

“Shut up.” David says sheepishly, out of breath, as he begins to come down from his orgasm. He settles back against you and sighs, grinning at you. “That was fuckin’ good.”

Grinning, you kiss him on the lips before trailing the kisses down his shoulder. “Alright, let's get you cleaned up, yeah?” He nods, hissing as you pull out of him. The two of you clean yourselves up and settle into your bed. “Thank god we didn’t stay at the cave; the guys wouldn’t let you live all that down, would they?” You tease, looking up at him from your spot on his chest. He snorts, cigarette loose in his lips, a glint in his eye.

“Trust me, they’ve heard worse from you.”

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I finished acotar a while ago and I was gonna write a review right away but then christmas happened and I was pretty busy and wanted to enjoy myself so youre getting like two weeks late

It was fine, I really didnt have any strong feelings about the book itself. Like, my main complaints are that it was pretty boring and directionless for most of it and stuff thats mainly related to the next books, if I just look at it as a standalone I would describe it as "not for me, but not that bad"

That is, until we get to Under The Mountain, where everything just gets really stupid and convoluted. That whole section, which is a solid fourth or fifth of the whole book, severely clashes with the sweet fairytale romance that came before it. It reminds me of how all those twilight-knockoff trilogies in the 2010s would have two pretty low-stakes books worth of basically only romance with some weird magic sprinkled on top, and then in the last book it would turn out that the protagonist and her beloved need to Go To War or the world will end except even worse (also now that I think about it, the first three acotar books also seem to be structed like that, so youre getting two shitty plot structures in one. yayyyyyyy)

There was literally no reason for all of that happen, it was honestly just unpleasant reading about Feyre, who had spent the book recovering from her trauma in a way that was genuinely pretty nice to read about, being tortured for three months until she was feeling worse than she ever had before. And some people might say "oh, thats the point, its meant to be tragic" but it didnt feel like tragedy, it just felt tonally dissonant. Also, the entire ending was so weird and dragged out, like that bit where she and Tamlin are staying one last night UTM for some reason and then she talks to Rhysand before they finally leave and its like, BRO dont stay in the Palace of Torments for any longer than you have to, just leave through that portal-tunnel thing

Speaking of Rhysand, he wasnt that bad in this book but Im sure my opinion on him will change. The main thing that sticks out about him is how sjm simply could not resist ALREADY explaining all of his motivations and portraying him as someone whos obviously so noble, despite all the obviously horrific and completely unecessary shit hes doing. Like, theres that scene where Rhysand crushes that guy's brain when Amarantha ordered him to crush his mind and the narration goes "that was actually an act of mercy from Rhysand" ??? that mightve worked better in third person limited where youre working without the implication that the prose is the pov character's actual thoughts, but since its first person and meant to be Feyre's thoughts I was just like "why is she thinking that when she should be thinking 'holy fucking shit, i just signed my life over to a guy who could squish my mind like a grape if he wanted to?!?!?!!'"

Also, theres that scene where Rhysand comes into Feyres cell to "escape from it all" or whatever and he basically monologues to her about his sympathetic motivations and I just. sarah, girlie, you shouldve saved this shit for the second book. Like, rewrite the scene so that he just comes in eithout a word, hes totally unresponsive to Feyre insulting him or trying to ask him what hes doing here, he just sits down in the corner, knees pulled to his chest, he mutters something vague about just wanting to be left alone, maybe he's even got tears in his idk. I think that would be a far more effective way to have him be sympathetic in a more subtle way than just having him monologue his tragic circumstances and noble intentions at Feyre

Thats about it so far, I'll probably start reading ACOMAF in january when winter break is over and I can read it on the bus and in class again

[moonsidesong]

played till the end of the Starlo fight, wouldve loved to do more but i got work in the morning so i dont really have time to delve into a new area or listen to big loredump monologues lol.

i really like it! really good stuff. noticing a pretty common motif in characters bringing up jobs/employment/some sort of duty. interested in seeing where thats headed.

more under the cut!! just scattered little thoughts nothing really comprehensive

martlet's stupid molten rock puzzles sucked bad (the physics for that second one were actually abysmal and i spent way longer there than i shouldve) but the rest of them have been fine. i kinda liked the minecart ones. puzzles aren't really why we're here though, obviously, so its not like, a super big point against the game that one of them sucked. LOL

snowdin was notttttttt my favorite segment of the game. mostly for the rock puzzles and also the backtracking for the fetch quest was kind of annoying.. i know that its optional but like, im the kinda person who wants to try and see everything i can so obviously im gonna go for that!!!!! plus i got a real good item out of it... On a lighter note i think its funny how pretty they made snowdin because it leaves the impression that its only gotten uglier in the past few years . like what did you guys do in there

the mail thing is fun. i really like the mail. nothing else to say i just love funny little extra dialogue

the rhythm fight was fun! it took me a good handful of attempts but i felt like i got a little better at it every time which always feels good when it comes to hard boss fights.

ok that stupid evil starlo attack where he both shoots at you and rings the bell got me really bad but eventually i got good at the rest of the fight just enough that i had enough Above Max health to just bruteforce it. i love being good at video games btw

and like on that note ok listen i get the appeal of starlo now i love him super fun character but anytime he said literally anything me and bestie would just point at him and say Grown ass man and that only got funnier when he started losing it and trying to kill this random little baby because he thinks its their fault his friends are mad at him. Grown ass man

i think flowey being Sorta your ally and also the chief saving mechanic because you're not a particularly determined guy is really neat, i was wondering going in how they'd deal with that since flowey says outright in real undertale that Frisk is the first time that ever happened. kinda just waiting for him to stab me in the back tho i know its gonna happen that boy is too effed up and fake and sick in the head for it not to happen ess em ayche

i know some people think Ceroba's design is a little too out of place, and like, maybe a little, but if im honest i think its more the sprite than the design itself? i think its just like, a tad too ornate for undertale. i think if she had less pretty shading and maybe her bow was a little sloppier people would complain less. which is kind of a funny thing to say. man i love undertale. either way it doesnt really bother me, its a fangame let em have fun

this has been my series of disjointed thoughts! ill probably have more when i finish the game. obviously dont tell me anyth wait hang on hold on my evil horrid bestie just spoiled thg. JUST SPOILED THE GAME!!!!! DO YOU SEE THIS!!! EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

actually the most evil person i ever met. dang. man. kicks a little rock. stares at the wall. well i guess ill still play the game anyway

thanks for reading my post goodnight

[mugmegan]

I ALMOST RUINED EVERYTHING

I was messing around with my perfectly okay painting that didnt need messing around and I accidentally used ibispaint's high resolution save option without knowing what it was.

It is fucking AI

Bloody fucking stupid AI

It took my nice and crispy pixelated painting and turned it into a muddy mess HIGH RESOLUTION MY ASS IT LOOKS AWFUL IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING SWAMP

Worst part was I thought it would only save a high resolution version of my painting and I couldve saved the original if I wanted

But no matter how much I tried I couldnt get the original. The damn thing either permenantly modified the entire thing or I am stupid. I cannot tell you how hard and deep my heart sank

Thankfully I saved the painting by lowering the dpi by half so now it looks like how I remember it at least cause thats the opposite of what the ai does I guess. I still have the feeling I lost my painting forever though.

Moral of the story: Your work is fine dont fuck around or you will find out

I worked for like 4 days on some painting I just finished (the exact time I spent on it according to the timelapse is like, near 4 hours but it felt longer tbh) and it is a painting that I really took the effort to make as good as I could. I genuinely like the end result and I am proud of it so I just want to share as soon as possible :D BUT I feel like I shouldnt rush it unless I somehow havent noticed some imperfection about it and it is probably better to wait until a strategic time comes to post so more people can see it BUT it is saddening to wait :(

[snaileo]

gonna write this post to reflect upon things before the year ends - it will be long

i dont know how to start this - or how to even express my thoughts. but this year was hard - very hard and i wish i could remember what i was doing last year. last new years eve, but i cant remember. i wish i could tell my past self, that in a few days time, you would learn that your mom's cancer came back and then 8 months after that, on the dot, she'd pass away. obviously i cant. this last month has been especially hard, not that i was excited for christmas anyway, but it was my first one without her. one thing id do every year is check everyday for xmas music to come on the radio, which i did excitedly??? this year, and on nov 10th, it started and my excitement was cut abruptly when i realized i was alone in the apartment, without her to exclaim it too. it hit me all over again. its so hard to go into her room even though i have too bc the washer and dryer are in that particular closet, and it still feels like shes there. its eerie. its hard for me to associate this absence of her with being gone because this is just what her room looked like when she kept having week long hospital stays every month since may - so it was no different right? but i gotta keep telling myself that it is, that shes not coming home. Well she *is* home but not how I knew her.

both my dad and i felt this time was different, long before the complications began. i remember having that conversation with him, anxiety gripping every part of my being, something just felt different about all this - and it wasnt until months later that our fears would be confirmed. one of the things i struggle with most is guilt. feeling like i couldve done more, that i shouldve done more, that i was her caretaker and she died - i feel like i let her down, i feel like maybe if i had done this or that, it would be different, that she would still be here. i try to tell myself i did all i could but its difficult. i simply feel like i failed. i failed her. she deserved better than what she got -

she had seemed so invincible to me, with all that she had survived in her life, the way she carried herself with each thing she overcame - but in that final week, the one she spent in the ICU till she passed - i saw her slowly break down, her body slowly give in - i was really hoping she would Bounce Back, like she always did, so many close calls in her life, but she always came back - i was anticipating the next week when she would be out of the ICU, back at the apartment, talking about how she survived yet again -- but that didnt happen.

i completely broke after her passing, and had a solid month of feeling, disassociated from myself - deep within an existential crisis and grief - really truly grappling with what death is - and it took a while to realign myself. im still not okay - but im better than i was then. im still very lonely. the amount i spoke to my mom, daily, was something i never even realized until after she passed. i cant talk to my dad the way i talked to her - she had a near photographic memory and could recount stories and tell them in such an engaging way that i hate that i do not have a single fucking recording of her telling any story. that i no longer will hear her recount her life to me, tell me as if it happened yesterday.

im finding new things everyday that i didnt even realize i'll miss.

she believed in an afterlife, in spirits and heaven, and i hope, for the sake of the terrible hand she was dealt, that there is an afterlife, that she gets the happiness and peace she deserved. i found a lot of comfort in reading people's stories about seeing deceased loved ones in dreams, ones that feel like a visit, whether or not theyre truly a visit or just what the heart needed - it was comforting. one thing i didnt foresee was how painful the dreams she appears in would be. how painful to see her or hear her, or just knowing shes there - and then i wake up. reality hits. one odd thing to note is the first time i had dreamt about her after her passing, i wasnt allowed to look at her, i knew she was there, somewhat in my peripheral but there was a voice telling me "do not look at her, dont look at her" it was a strange feeling, it was so vivid. most of my dreams now that consist of her are typical dreams, tho a portion of them have me baffled that shes even there and i try to ask her How??? i thought you were dead, and she would come up with some excuse or some way how she survived. its a strange feeling. dreams are strange.

realizing this is getting too long. if you stuck with reading this whole post thank you i guess. this was meant for me to vent and reflect. especially since my mom was born in the year of the dragon, and 2024 will be the year of the dragon.i dont know how to end this post.

[rrelationshipadvice]

I've decided on leaving my partner for various reasons, a few being:

1) lack of showing interest in anything I like but pinging me & expecting me to pay attention to theirs. Literally watching me talk about things I like and proceeding to interrupt me/talk about something else while ignoring messages I sent hours earlier about something I like. zero engagement at all, no questions, no real encouragement past the same two compliments that have long since sounded completely hollow to me.

I understand that not everyone is expected to show the same enthusiasm for something that I do, but it feels like they dont care when I compare it against how I've encouraged other friends' projects/how I've listened to other friends talk about things they like & how other friends have encouraged & listened to me, especially when it comes to things they or I will never play or want to engage in as a media.

2) them holding onto very small conflicts we resolved months ago and casually mentioning how they still feel bad about it long after its solved which makes it difficult for me to bring up anything now

3) being financially irresponsible to the point that the one time I asked them for something- which was no more than $30 iirc- they didn't have the money for it. I had spent on them repeatedly in the past (they spent that money on gacha games because they didn't want to wait a few days longer to pull on something. It was time limited but not ending anytime soon, they very easily couldve waited, met their one obligation, and still been able to get the same shit out of that game. It did not go to something more important)

There's a bit more, but having sorted my thoughts and emotions, those are the big ones that came up in my mind again and again

If I were someone else these conflicts might be able to be solved, but I avoided bringing these up which is, of course, on me. Unfortunately my emotional state/opinion regarding them is now past the point of no return because every word they say irritates me and its been like this for a while. So that'll just have to be a lesson for future me to remember.

The really important part that I'm asking for advice on is how to go about it. It's a tricky situation since we're both borderline (just to clear up any confusion before it starts, im not the person who also had bpd that came through here earlier), and our primary communication is through discord since its a long distance relationship and they've been through a lot this year already (they lost three other friends in the last few months. I am now understanding why.) Both telling them straight up and blocking them without a word have their own drawbacks right now, being:

- The first friend to leave this year told my partner why & left and proceeded to get harassed on every platform alongside their friends & loved ones because my partner would not fucking stop trying to contact them. There were four people (all friends) including me telling my partner that this was not acceptable behavior and to stop but they were adamant on doing so and refused to listen to anyone. Afaik they were close to this person before they left so theres a good chance I could receive the same treatment too.

I probably shouldve taken this behavior as my sign to gtfo back then honestly, because I've been on the other end of shit like that before and it left me fucked up for a very long time. Something to add to my notes as a future 100% no questions asked dealbreaker i guess. I know its difficult with bpd considering I also have it, but the one thing I could never bear to do to someone no matter how much I hate them in the moment is evade blocks multiple times on multiple platforms trying to get them to talk to me.

I don't want my friends to have to deal with this (I havent actually told any of them that I'm planning/having thoughts of breaking up with my partner. I dont know how to go about that conversation either.) and I know that my partner knows at least two of their users and unfortunately discord has made it incredibly easy to find people through just usernames.

I've considered warning the ones im worried about getting targeted ahead of time so they can configure their settings/block my partner to avoid having to deal with any of it further down the line, but I dont know if my partner knows of their social medias too or would go so far as to make a tumblr just to harass them.

- That said, I know that ghosting/blocking without a word could go equally as badly- the most recent friend to leave did that but I don't have details on what occurred after because I was not mentally well enough to help at the time and dealing with my own unrelated breakdown. I'm probably wrong, but it makes this option seem much more appealing. I'll probably warn my friends and give them the user to block ahead of time either way, honestly.

They've said before that if someone leaves them (platonically or romantically) they want a reason but having seen what happened when the first person gave them one and left I'm not sure any reason or conversation that doesnt end with "ill give you another chance"/"ill stay" would be good enough for them. I honestly dont trust them not to try picking apart any reasons I give them rather than just accepting it

I just don't know where to go from here, any guidance at all would be much appreciated!!!

.

[namuneulbo]

week one hundred and nine

ive decided im gonna add the title bff to l for a bit now so its easier to tell apart my bff l from my talking stage l lol.

all i remember from monday was that n made me pick my fav trigun character. apparently im wolfwood lovercoded so she was happy i picked him.

tuesday was my high school grad! i wore a big white button-up as a dress w a black tie and my cowprint heels. i liked the outfit a lot!

the ceremony was wayyy longer than anticipated. afterwards my mom took some real awkward pictures of me. later we went for food, we were gonna get mexican but ended up going to this asian fusion place that turned out to be shit TT

we walked through some stores afterwards and then sat at a café for a bit before i had to leave to catch my piercing appointment. i got my right lobe and my belly pierced!! it hurt less than i expected it too which was nice. i got pretty anxious afterwards though bc i thought my ear would heal like shit bc of how close it seemed to the other piercing but its fine now lol.

wednesday we (me, i, bff l and c) hung at bass place and watched the annual president ball hand shaking thing. my old drum teacher was there??? i devoured some cucumber w dip and then i was nice enough to drive us to the music quiz. me and bff l ended up joining l and a. they played hash pipe by weezer right as we joined them which i got really excited ab!!!

i had an oral exam on thursday and i was so terrified ab it. me and d hadnt practiced beforehand but we ended up passing and i think our convo still ended up quite good. the criticism i received afterwards was ab how i said "이 아침" and "이 밤" instead of "오늘 아침" and "오늘 밤". its all good though, ended up getting an a on it so :D

friday i went to a second-hand shop to look for clothes but i had forgot that the one i went to doesnt sell clothes so i ended up looking and cds for a bit. i found born this way on cd and snapped l like "omg lol should i buy it?" but he didnt answer until i had left so i had just kind of left it behind bc i didnt think it was worth it but then later when he answered he was all like "OMG NOOO U SHOULDVE GOTTEN IT SO WE CAN MATCH" TT. so, on saturday when i went out to go thrifting, i stopped by that shop again and got it.

on friday evening me and l watched the perks of being a wallflower. i really liked it and the soundtrack was so good. its one of his favorite movies and i had either way been planning to watch it. he asked me actually last week if i wanted to watch it together w him but we ended up not doing it but i was glad he still remembered on friday.

btw we exchanged twitter on friday. i had to delete all my tweets ab him beforehand so ended up leaving him on delivered for like an hour TT sorry, pookie, im just embarrassed if u see all the tweets ab u of me going "HES SO HOT HE JUST SENT ME SUCH A CUTE PICTURE OF HIS OUTFIT OMG HES SO-."

after buying the cd on saturday i went to one other shop and there i got an anklet and a flannel. i wouldve gone to a third one but it was closed. i wouldve gone today instead buttttttt it closes so early. it closes and 4 pm and i woke up at 12 pm and spent a good... two hours (?) getting ready and the stores quite far away and its massive so i dont think id be able to look through it in time TT maybe im just making excuses.

l and i didnt really talk yesterday, only like... three snaps each and some tiktoks. he was out on bereal yesterday though so im assuming he was just busy and also its good to not,, feel like u constantly HAVE to talk to keep it going, yk? im working a lot on my anxious attachment and its actually gotten way better over just the past few weeks id say bc im starting to really feel like the feelings are thoroughly mutual. with that said... i do hope we talk more today lol. i love talking to him.

sotw: weezer - hash pipe

[birthday-of-music]

im doing good!! was abt to sketch and opened pinterest for a ref and then. spent longer than i shouldve on there

in my defense. th the pretty. anime boys have a grip on me

pretty anime boys... i feel you. pretty anime boys drag you into hell and then when you look at the time you realise its been three hours and you were supposed to do twenty different things

[meongppangz]

stray kids — “땡”

[pengintoppa]

string quartet playing one last piece as the titanic sinks into the ocean (2018, colorized)